The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 387: My Dad Announced His Affair on Vacation?! | Emma Willmann | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #387

Episode Date: May 25, 2026

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Emma Willmann! Emma joins me to Highlight the Lowlights of growing up in a chaotic household, her parents’ messy divorce, and the unforgettable moment her dad announced his affair while the family was on vacation. We get into the emotional fallout of divorce, navigating learning struggles in school, recovery, and what it was like for Emma to hide her sexuality before finally coming to terms with who she is. Catch Emma live at https://www.iamemmawillmann.com 🎟️See me live. All tickets at https://www.ryansickler.com/tour 🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! https://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE 👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more! http://youtube.com/@rsickler ✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month! Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler 📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] 👕Get Your Merch👕 https://www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/ 🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧 The HoneyDew - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250 The Wayback - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479 Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/ryansickler 📣 Follow Me📣 ▪ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ryansickler/ ▪ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler ▪ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial 🕸️http://ryansickler.com/ 🍈https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ 🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're no longer young people. You're just people. And people are either productive or dead weight. It's my first day of work and I need to make a big impression. Were you just checking me out? No. It's too bad. I see at least 15 ladies I need to talk to you before my beta block is off.

My coworkers don't take me seriously. It's not a human. It's just a piece of meat. Someone bring a gurney. Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll be there Friday, June 19th, and Saturday. Saturday, June 20th, all tickets on my website at Ryan Sickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.

Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. Ryan Sickler here, Ryan Sickler.com and Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Guys, thank you for supporting this show. Thanks for supporting anything we do here. And if you've got to have more, go check out the Patreon. It is this show with y'all, the honeydew with you all. five bucks a month. It's been that way since it started, and it's the best show on Patreon. I promise you. Go watch the best of episodes we do here on the regular YouTube. Go see the

highlights of that. Boom, a cup of coffee, hundreds of episodes. If you or someone you know has a story that has to be heard, submit it to us here at Honeydew Podcast at gmail.com. We would love to do your story. All right. That's the biz. You guys know what we do here. We highlight the low lights. I always say these are the stories behind the story. tellers. I am very excited to have this guest with us today. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Emma Wilman. Welcome to the honey-dew Emma Williams. Thank you, Ryan. Thank you for having me. I appreciate that. Thank you for being here. I love that idea of hearing people's stories. I love hearing people's stories. Well, I'm, we're going to get into yours. Before we do and before I

even say anything about how I met you, blah, blah, blah, right there. Please promote everything and anything you'd like. I keep everything up at I am Emma Willman.com. I've got a bunch of tour dates starting the second week in March. I'm on the road every single week. weekend for up through the summer. So I'm on tour, working on a new hour. And please come out. It's going to be great. I love the stuff that I'm working on now. And I would love to have you at the show. How's that? That's great. You do a little promo voice when you start promoting your stuff? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I know. I get a little more energy and try. Get a little pep to it. But I first met you on you. You have a special on that was on

epics. I was producing on those interviewing you. And I don't know. I just connected with you. I thought you were, I had never met you and I'm like, man, fuck yeah. How long ago was it? Was it? It was pandemic. Yeah, 2020. I think it was in 2020. And I had this clip that I posted a couple clips from it. Because you popped your fucking tooth out. I'm like, I never going, well, never, never for a lady

popped a tooth out and smiled at me. You didn't pop it out like some homeless lady in the street like, no real charmer. That was my, that was my little party trick at the time. I was missing this tooth. And when I met Ryan, I had a temporary one, but I kept popping it in and out and I kept losing it. So then I ended up just not having a tooth for like six months after that.

You did? No tooth because I kept losing it and I was waiting to get an implant, but like my mouth wasn't taken to the bone. There's all these problems. Okay, real quick. I'm going to pause for a second. Did you get hit on more with or without the tooth? So I don't get hit on very much, but I got hit on more without the tooth.

You did. I mean, I probably got hit on like four times. So this isn't like some huge metric of getting hit on. Still, you would say you don't get hit on that approach that much. No. Tooth out and here they come. Tooth out all of a sudden. Isn't it crazy? We'd be so insecure about something like this and here they fucking come. It's because what my girlfriend said it was.

She goes, you look like a badass. You look rugged. That's what you said it was. Like you could help somebody. Like I could help somebody. Little did they know, I punched myself in the face during a boxing class. I can't even help. Is that really how you know? That's really what happened.

It wasn't even during the class. Actually, I was listening. there's a guy, super funny comic named Sergio Chacon that also teaches boxing and he was telling a story and I was just listening to it and I was doing, have you done boxing before? Class.

I've done a class. Yeah, yeah. So I was doing it and I was listening to him tell a story and I was like, and then I popped myself in the face. No. And it wasn't hard, but it was enough. It hit it at such an angle.

I had a veneer and it broke that and then my tooth was like hanging by a little nerve and then I had to go and he said, I got like I hit in the face. And the dentist still to this day doesn't know I have. get myself in the face. Because I said I got hit in the face and they just assumed like, oh my God. Yeah. Are you all right? Are they all right? And I was like, yeah, no, no, the other guy is

real fucked up. Like I didn't, couldn't, didn't have the heart to say I punched myself in the face. Yeah, that's how I met you on that special. Yeah, I remember. And I had a clip. I had a clip that it was quick, but I posted it and there was you, you don't even, you hardly make a sense. You're about to laugh and it's like the breathe in. You're revving up. But it's not like I cut it before even your was in it but the number the comment on that clip was I know that's Ryan so it was your calling car but it was before you even laughed it was like people know that's crazy that's crazy the inhale to go to the laugh so I identified as wild yeah the wind up so you're going you're like up and go Ryan sickler that's there we go got a wind up notable wind up well I got to

know you a little bit on that show but I want to get to know like the real you here on this show. So let's start just quickly. Where are you from? What's your background, mom, dad, siblings, et cetera. So I grew up in a tiny town. I grew up in a town of like 2,000 people in Maine. Blue Hill Maine. Have you been to Maine before? I've been to Maine, but only because one time I drove to Boston for the weekend. And once we got there, my cousin and I, this is in the 90s. We looked at the map. And we were like, Maine doesn't look that far. So we drove to Maine for lunch. and we went to a lighthouse and we went out. How long did that take like seven hour?

Because Maine is big. Listen, we went across the state line. So we were in Maine. We did not go deep into Maine. We went. That's, you know, this Maine right here? We're in Maine. First lighthouse in Maine on the right.

We went to. Right. To this day, still the best lobster bisque I've ever had. Oh, it's the best. So I've been to Maine. And I'm glad you ended up at a lobster, a lighthouse that even sold lobster bisque. Yeah.

Because most of them aren't selling stuff. So it's probably just people popping up like, what do you guys sell? And they're like, that's not what we do here at all. There's a little restaurant there. Yeah, it was nice. Beautiful. So Maine is, I did have a good, in retrospect, it was a nice place to grow up in that. What's it called again?

Blue Hill. Blue Hill. It's a tiny town up near Bar Harbor. It's on the coast. My parents weren't from there. My parents were kind of like, they both grew up. I felt like it was like pretty like stuffy backgrounds, like very uptight New England families.

and then my dad became like a real like hippie living off the grid. So he lived completely no electricity or anything. And he built a little dome in the woods in Maine. And then my mom had a little blueberry farm. And she hired my dad to, he was a carpenter to do some carpenter work. And that's how they met. I think they met when they were like in their like late 30s. So then they had me at 40.

My sister at whatever, 42. Married, then got divorced and, you know, a whole bunch of stuff. But that was where I grew up was in Blue Hill, Maine. And that was kind of what formed me for better or worse. And they're both from Maine originally as well. No, they're from that area. They're both from Massachusetts. Oh, Massachusetts.

So they grew up, Blue Hill was like a real mix of people that there's like the locals and then the summer people that end up like staying and living all year round. But it was one of those towns where it was like, if you, you could live there for a long time. But if you weren't born there, you're still going to be a summer person. Does that make sense? Yeah. So it would be like, you know, you could have been there for 20 years, but you weren't born there. Yeah.

So you're a summer person, a year-round summer person. Okay. And so when your parents split, you go with mom, dad, or you go 50-50. How's that one? So they split. It was in, I guess I was in like third or fourth grade. I don't have that many memories of them together. But when they split, I remember my dad, he told my mom when we were on a road trip, which I look back in that.

I go, wait, in the car? We weren't in the car, but at the exact moment, we were in the car a lot after. Because there's the tension. We were driving around Canada, so my mom told me.

Out of the country to. What was he thinking? What was he thinking? I mean, a road trip. Like you do a pit stop or something, and he's just outside of car. He's like, oh, I'm cheating.

You know what? I'm cheating. I'm thinking about rap. Just getting a divorce. Let's get back in the car and drive some more. And make small talk with the kids for the next five dollars. You remember that? I distinctly remember because I remember it's so wild the things you remember.

I remember going to KFC and we got a bucket of chicken and, no, we got a bucket of mashed potatoes and gravies, but there is no mashed potatoes in it. And I remember it blew my parents mind. He just gave us a bucket of gravy. This is crazy. So the good mood then. They're laughing about this. And then sometime in there, he mentioned the cheating. My mom wasn't laughing anymore.

So I remember. Sometime between no gravy. No gravy. He drops that bomb. I'd still, I've never asked him like, why'd you do it then? Yeah. My mom said that she, she doesn't know either. She was like he, he hadn't planned on telling me, but I remember that trip because I just

remember it was like, fuck, it was awkward in the car, you know, but when you're little, you don't quite know why. But was your mom like, how did she react? Was she yelling? Was she crying? Was she silent? She was so upset. She was like devastated, but I didn't know that that was why until a couple months.

later. And then I remember asking her at one point, I said, when did he? Mom's really upset about the fucking match for taste. She really wanted those. She's crying. Because she was laughing about it. But then something, something, something. Devastated. And I remember that just being like, what

you know, what happened? Also, any rational person would have to just take a split second in all that chaos to be like, now? Now? For real? This is when you're doing it? You know damn well that moment had just even if it's a flicker for a second, then you go back to the chaos, but like, really?

I think probably he didn't plan on something. He was probably like, I'm going to wait until after the car trip because you do not want to have that type of conversation where you're stuck in a car. You want to be able to take a walk, take some space. Or do you think he felt safer in front of you guys? Oh. Oh. Hit him or who knows. Who knows? Guys, I recently used Task Rabbit for two things. I got an invert chair where I hang upside down and stretch my back and it feels amazing and I got a vanity for my daughter these things had about 3,000 pieces and I was like yeah man I I'm just looking at them on the floor I'm like I'm not doing this so I hit up task rabbit all right guy came out put both of them together all right tasker connects you with skilled

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Quince.com slash honeydew. She's not a real hitter, but you don't know. You don't know. You don't know. You tell somebody you're ruining our family. Right. Something like that. Yeah.

Because he was in. This is our last trip to you guys are. By the way. Enjoy this. Enjoy this one. I don't know the last time you have mashed potatoes. I expected to happen today. But this is the last trip.

This is the last one. A car trip. That's brutal. Bad time. That is bad time. And it was me, my sister and my half brother. Because my dad was married. He had his first life.

then he married my mom and then he was in a relationship with this woman Carol very quickly after that so they got divorced like quickly Carol the lady Carol was the lady

Carol was so mean to her too because I had a kid with her he didn't end up having a kid with her he after me and my sister no more kids but he and he didn't end up mirroring Carol but they were in a relationship but I was so mean to her and in retrospect it's like

she wasn't the one that was in a relationship I mean I was a kid so I'm not going to be too part of myself, but I would call her it. Like, I'd be like, is it going to be here? Like, I'd be so, I was so mean to her. I'd, like, give her looks. I'd, like, hiss at her. Like, I blamed her for everything. Because I get along really well with my dad. Did she have kids? So she didn't have kids. So there's no step anything. No step. I did end up having another stepmom who had a bunch of kids. And then my stepmom now has no kids. My stepmom now is great. Had an awful stepmom. Carol, I don't know if she was good or bad because I was so young and I was so mean to her.

was coming in at the wrong time. The timing was not on her side. But so Carol knew she was fucking a married man with kids. True. So fuck Carol. But who knows what he was telling her? I don't know. He could have been like, I'm getting divorced.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Because now that I'm taking a trip with the kids and the boy. What a place to tell someone. And people tell people like wild stuff about their relationship. So in the past I would have been like, yeah, you know, fuck her. But now I'm like who I have never heard her side of it. He could have been lying to Carol the whole time.

Rob, like I'm going to assume yes. Like, and I remember my mom was always like, oh, your father wants to have a threesome with me and Carol. So I was getting too much info. Yeah. How do you when she's telling you that? Oh. Under middle school. I mean, it was when they were getting divorced.

So yeah, third, fourth, fifth grade. Oh, that's elementary. Young. That's way too young. Maybe seven days. Still. Young. Elementary school and the word threesome essentially should never be introduced over there.

She'd go. Because I remember we were skiing and she was like, we were on the, what's it called? When you go up the gondola, what is it? I haven't been skiing in years. Yeah, Gondola or ski lift. Ski lift. She had I remember being on the ski lift and she goes, your father's sick. And I was like, watch.

Well, this is you have a threesome with me and that woman, Carol. And Carol was 4.11. And so she'd always go out of her way to make it clear that she didn't have a problem with Carol's height. It was like, well, the content of her character. She was like, 411. That's something wrong with that. It's just that she's a little bitch. And I remember.

remember her saying was your mom were they in an was she into the idea of openness or just not with carol absolutely not the idea of openness like no there would have been no woman that would have been okay and absolutely not no way plus i feel like under those circumstances if someone brings it up like they've been cheating and then they want to have a three so you know what i mean no that's how he did it yeah oh yeah i thought she was like i'm not having a threesome then he was like then i'm out of here And he cheated. No, he was like, I'm seeing someone, you want a hook on a woman like that. I know.

Maybe I feel like one way I've dealt with stuff, which has been good and bad. That's fucking wild. That's a wild. You could, here's the other thing. You couldn't pay me enough to go ask my freshly ex-wife that question. Kill me. Yes. You had, you had to be.

You get here's $10,000 to ask her. I'm like, I'm not even pitching that idea. You'd have to be so confident. I'll give you $20,000. I'm not pitching that idea. To not do it. I'm not doing it. I won't even suggest it.

You'd have to be so confident or delusional in some type of in your sexual abilities to be like, I can spin this so they're going to want. But I mean, I can't think of. Carol's into it. Carol's into it. We've already talked about it. Who knows? She doesn't know what's going on.

This poor woman, they lasted like four or five months. I was so mean. Months. He gave his whole family up for months. Yep. But they would have gotten the worst anyway, because I look back at my parents now and they, these are not two people that get along. And then the divorce was messy. My sister lived with my mom.

I lived with my dad. My brother lived with his mom. So all the kids got separated, which at the time didn't seem that unusual. But now I do see it as a little bit of an odd dynamic. But they were using us for sure to get back at, you know, it was like, well, you can't see Emma if I don't get to see Katie, like that type of thing. It wasn't healthy at all. It wasn't healthy.

It was a mess. It was such a messy. So how are you seeing your sister and your brother or are you not? So I would see my sister at school, but it was weird. because I kind of felt, I think we both felt a little like, what's going on? Like, why are you getting to see mom? I don't get, I'm not saying mom. You're not seeing dad.

So it was like a little like, it was just, we recognize that it was odd. And then also in elementary school, my sister started getting really underweight and I started like gaining a lot of weight. So I remember we would both like be clocking each other like, okay, different food things are happening at the different houses. My dad was giving me pop tarts. You know, I'm eating toast or strudel and pop tarts all day every day. And then my sister was, we were.

We're kind of going into controlling, trying to control our environment in different ways. So we would see each other, but it was weird. We weren't really talking. We went to the same. Are you familiar with Waldorf schools? No. So we went to a little Waldorf school, tiny. Is that, was that like a finishing school?

No, school was a Waldorf school. I wish I would have loved to have like, where you get the best manners and like pinkies up. A friend of mine, Jackie was from New Orleans and she had to go. Yeah, because it was all. Like debutants? Yes. I think that's so interesting. And she taught me square meals, which I didn't know.

And she said, she said, look, I'm wrong about a lot of things sometimes. Yeah. She said the square meal was properly you're supposed to eat like this. You're bringing your food to you in a square. This is how we're proper. We're not hunched over and shoveling. Guilty. I do.

I have my feet. I come on someone's trying to take my. We're supposed to sit in jail. We're supposed to square meals. Do you think that that would look weird though? That's what she said. See, I would love. And a lot of just how like the proper fork and the way to greet and I mean, I was like, God, yeah.

I don't know any of that. I don't know any of, but I would like to. I would like to be very sophisticated. But that was not. Waldorf school. It, Waldorf school is like a, they don't do grades. It's like a real hippie type of environment. Like you salute the sun.

Montessori school. Have you heard of those? So it's like that. We're saluting the sun. We would like, well, I forget what they'd be like, may the sun. rise to meet you. We'd all like hold hands in a circle and like welcome the sun. Are we pledging allegiance to a flag there? No, not at that school. No shoes. You get in, you take your shoes off, have little socks and slippers, lots of- And are you learning the what, you know, traditional

curriculum of the other schools? Are you learning like emotions? Are you learning early? It's exactly what conservative people like stress about happening. Yeah. Where it's like, they're sitting there. We're not going to be gay. They're ganging them up. Right. And we would make like granola. We'd do lots of cooking. And we would do something called Eurythmi.

And then we would learn like math and Latin. And we would, so we would learn kind of traditional stuff. But I started getting, I started getting taken out of class because even though there weren't grades, somehow I ended up failing the classes. So I started getting taken out and going into like a version of special ed in this Waldorf school, even though there was no grade. so I don't know how they started distinguishing that. And how many kids are in that class?

My special ed was just me. A body of one over there. Body of one. Body of one was just me. So maybe it wasn't special ed, but it was just, I was in my own special group. But the whole school was probably like, I bet like 75 kids. So it was. But this is really rural Maine.

So it's like a very small time. And is it a first through fifth sort of thing? Is it all that group? No, first through eighth. First through eight. And are you separated by grades? or are we intermingling somewhat? Two grades at a time.

So you would have like... Two at a time. So each grade would have like 12 kids and then you'd be together in that. And those, I still do have like good memories of that. Like I liked, I just like being in, I liked that Waldorf school. I peaked.

I peaked at my Waldorf school. You did? I think that was like some of the best times in my life. Just running around, saluting the sun and doing things like we would do a something called a Maple. You ever heard one of those? You have this giant pole and then you hold on to a piece of silk and you the kids like dance around it, but you do it in a certain pattern, so it leaves a weaving on the

maple. But how I started realizing I was dyslexic was I would be messing up the patterns. And you've all got your own colored ribbon. So at the end, they would look at it and then go, who's got blue? Because it's all, everything's one way. And then there's this zigzag across. And then I'd hold in the blue. So that's how I started figuring out. Uh-oh. Is that right? Yeah, I started going, uh-oh. That and they would have, you know, and like people are spelling stuff around you because They don't want the kid to know what it is. Like, you know, tonight we're going to have W-I-N-E. Yeah.

I wasn't clocking that the way that like my sister would be like, mom and dad are going to drink wine. And I'd be like, I thought they were going to the arcade, like stuff like I couldn't clock it. So then they started getting me tested for stuff. Okay. And at what point do you know your, you know, do you like girls? You're in the closet. How early does that begin for you? I appreciate how smooth that was that you asked.

You like that? Yeah. Because sometimes people. get real like when did you you know they don't know how to what just ask yeah but i relate to that now because i feel weird asking people if they've watched heated rivalry like i'll start you haven't seen heated rivalry no they're cursing as no so i felt comfortable just asking if i knew me oh it's amazing it's a show on hb i don't even usually like romance stuff it's so the acting was so good but i find myself with straight guys or gay guys even i feel weird asking them about it's super hardcore there's a lot

hardcore sex in it. But the acting, Ryan, it's, that's what I'm watching for. No, I'm telling you. I know that's, you get to see this gay sex porn, but the acting's amazing. The acting of these guys, it's so, I haven't been, like, moved like this from acting, maybe ever. And I don't like love stuff. Like, I like, I like, I like taken. I like the born identity. I like action movies. But so I started having more compassionate people asking me how I'm gay, because I feel weird for some reason asking about heated rivalry. I feel like this is a comfortable setting where I'm supposed to or can

and have the freedom to ask you that. I would not see you out in the street and be like, when you start fucking hitting on chicks? I'm not going to you know what I mean? I wouldn't do that. Fair. But I am curious because my first gay education was a manager

at the hotel. When I worked out here, I was 24 at the time. And that was the first gay person you met? first gay friend. I mean, I met gay guys, but I didn't know, I didn't know them or they weren't really in our, and if they were, they never said. You know what I mean? I look back now and I wonder, of course. Sure. I mean, I could point out a couple, but they never exposed and I just never cared. Right. You know what I mean? I didn't, some guys also in high school, there were a lot of my friends who weren't gay, but they also weren't into girls because they were just awkward and didn't know how to even talk to a girl and had nothing to do with preference. It was just, I'm a weird fucking kid with acne

and retainers and shit. Were there any out people at your high school? That's a damn good question. I don't think we had, I think we made, we had one girl that was out as bye. I think that was it. I mean, we, you knew, you knew. Right, you knew. No, no, we had a couple where you knew.

Yeah, and maybe you knew because a friend of theirs may have said quietly, but no one was out. Right. No one was like support. No. Same. I mean, we had like. Not at all.

I mean, also, I'm older. I graduated in 91. Right. high school's 87 and 91 nobody's no they're not admitted it is amazing i mean obviously there's like so much farther we need to go but it has also changed so much too because when i was in high school i didn't know any anybody but i did have an idea like i have these i have some of my very first so you didn't date girls in high school i was so in the closet i was so in the closet and i went out of my way to not have people think i was gay that i would be like made a big deal about being against

gay marriage. I had this good friend. You were vocal. Vocal. I had this good friend Margo and I was always talking about, I'd be like, oh, her mom had good friends that were, one of them was lesbian. And I was like, oh, the lesbian's going to be there. Like, oh, gross. And she was like, you sound so ignorant. She's like, what's your problem? Why do you care? She's like, I never think, like, I don't think about it. And I was like, what this is just putting it in our face with she had a short hair. She had a haircut. But there's tons of people with short hair in Maine. But I got that short hair. Short hair.

Just trying to change everything. Like I had a real internal. I was just scared. I don't want to even think I was. Were you brought up religious? Not in the slightest. Would mom and dad be against it or? No.

And they're very. For hippie people, you'd think they'd be supportive. Super liberal. So they're both super liberal. But I also just didn't know. It's not like they had gay friends. My mom did as I got older, had a really good trans friend. But growing up, you're the only gay person.

Didn't know any. No, you're it. I'm it. For you. For me. There's not a friend, even a relative, a cousin that at least is out where we have a. We had one relative. And he told my mom when I was like in fifth grade, he goes, your daughter's gay.

Oh, he? And she? He was. Yeah. That's why I was like, it wasn't like some like, you know, straight uncle or something who was like, daughter's gay. It was like a flamboyant. And they're like, we just, we just like, past the pot roast.

And he was like, I'm just letting everybody know. That was dead. That one. It was this gay, my gay uncle Abe told my mom. And my mom years later was like, Abe predicted it. He knew. Predicted it. She's going to turn gay.

She's going to turn gay. You know what? But now sometimes. Precited gayness is ridiculous. If you see a picture of me when I was little, I did look because I'm in all my pictures going on, you know, I looked very, very gay. My dad, Carol actually had a gay friend Sue who also predicted it. She said, you know, Jeff, like your daughter, that's a gay person.

I don't know what I was doing that just gave it away, but they knew. So they probably knew before, but I knew something because I would watch, I would watch the Disney movies and I would like the girl and I would always, I would always want, I had a lot of little, like, almost all my friends in elementary school were guys. And I would always make, let's pretend we're brothers or let's pretend we're princes. And then I would want to, we would like pretend like that we were going to date women. Like a guy, like we'd all, it was always us. And then at a certain point, I had this friend Harrison.

He goes, are you sure you shouldn't be pretending you want to date? guys and it was really sweet he was like you don't have to pretend you want to date women because you're playing with me like it's okay if you want to date guys like he was like basically saying like it's okay to also be straight again i remembered that that he and then i was like oh you no i'll just keep doing women and him and i used to look at we would get together in google boobs what years is we were probably i want to say like fifth sixth grade did you do this did you ever did you watch like jerry Springer and stuff like that. Of course. Yeah. So we would watch Jerry Springer, which I forgot about that. I forgot about that. And then I was talking about, I was talking about social media. I was like,

oh, kids are ruining their brains with social media. But we were watching hours. If Jerry Springer existed right now, it would just be clips all day long. 30 second Jerry Springer clips all day long. Someone could go do that with their library right now. And it wouldn't even stand out as that bizarre. No. For the stuff that you see now. No. Hell no. Like, it's like that stuff at the time. I mean, you're young, just watch. You know, I slept with my, I cheated on my uncle with my grandfather. And you're like, this is crazy. But so we would watch that. And it's very sexual.

So then we go, oh, let's see what else we can. You know, we would learn about like strippers and sex workers and that. And so we would go up and we would Google boobs. And I remember him being too once. He was like, if you want to Google penis, I can just go in another room. He was, what a nice. And are you being like, no, I'm looking because I'm a lady and I want to know. Like, what are you, how's, what's your angle for that?

I think I was trying to add like, no, it's. cool like I'm friends with you so I'll do what you want and he's like but I'm saying you don't have like feel free to do what you want and I'd be like but what age are you when you just know how young where I probably really articulated to myself so I had more of a clear sense of it when I was like in elementary school but then in high school I just went so deep in the closet and I had I had boyfriends but I kept telling myself okay you're not attracted to them but you will be once you have sex but but I didn't want to have sex so I made a big deal out of saying I wasn't going to have sex to like I got married. Okay. I did that. Which also aligns with the Christian against the

gays and all these things you got going on over there. Which I remember my mom saying you got to go on birth control. You got to get condoms because you don't know you get caught up in the heat of the moment. And I was like there's no there's no heat. There's no moment. Like don't worry about that. So it wasn't, I just was not like tempted to have sex. Yes. Because I was gay. This manager said to me, because I asked him, he's like, you can ask me. And I was like, good, because I want to know. I don't want to learn from Jerry Springer. Right. What is it?

When did you know you were a gay man? He's like, when did you know you liked girls? And I said, I knew I had like crush feelings on girls in like first grade. Do you remember your very first crush? Yeah, I absolutely.

Her name was Brandy. And are you used to follow her on Facebook? Where is you now? I swear to God. I genuinely have this is first grade. Right. I have no idea. Isn't that crazy little baby?

She's a woman now, probably a grandmom or something. Right. Little Ryan, like first grade, little you and your brain starts clock and like I'm going to give her a rock or whatever it is. I liked her and you know past notes. Yeah. And all these things in first grade and um and then he said the same thing. He's like, that's when I realized like I liked boys. Oh, so he was like first, second grade. He knew he didn't come out either, but he knew. He knew what he was interested in. And it wasn't girls for him. And then he goes, this is, this is when it clicked for me. I'm embarrassed to say how old

I was when I finally went. Yeah. Mm-hmm. He goes, um, you know how when you go out. with a lady and, you know, if you've got a respectable woman, you're going to court her for a little while. Sure. You might not even get the sex ever. But sometimes you do. He goes, imagine. I said, shut up. Me taking my testosterone chain train and a null one coming right at it and kaboom. He goes, yep. And I was like, I totally fucking get it. Like if my, uh, match this, uh, I fucking get it. Get it. Totally. I had never put not one in one as two. It was like, right. I don't even. One in one is one. Right.

What the fuck was? Petus, penis, penis. It made so much sense right away. And he also said, you know, about people saying it's a choice and all this bullshit. He's like, do you think a person would choose to get ridiculed, beat to death? Totally. And I was like, God, dude. Also, we can.

Just so, just that simple conversation is enough for any normal, open-minded person to go. Oh, yeah. I get it. I get it. And especially that in some math. That math makes sense. That math is math and it's someone you know. So you're like, you see them as a person.

It's not this vague concept. Oh, they're trying to change me. And I'm also not eating sushi across the table from this man, imagining him fucking something. Or the way I don't with another lady, I don't see her chugging dicks or some crap like while I'm like. Sometimes when I am talking to gay guys, it's only gay guys.

I will start picturing on that. Who's fucking who's fucking who's. It's like an impulsive thought and I got to stop doing that. I got to, especially if I can't tell. But they're all so pretty. A lot of the guys I sit across from. I'm like, I don't want to know what that guy's doing with his penis.

You got to, well, maybe you shouldn't watch he did rival again. I mean, they're going to let you know what they're doing with their penis. But there was, there is that moment where you're like, you just start to, I, I segmented it off and like didn't let myself even go there too. But I would have, I was really obsessed with like Disney princesses and stuff like, or the backstree boys. I wanted to be one of them. But I wouldn't even let my brain think it because I didn't want to not have my friends in high school. Once you started like getting to puberty and realizing your body and stuff, who's your first female crush? My very first female.

Is there a celebrity or someone at school? Like, who are you smitten for? I was, I was really smitten for this girl, Sadie. And I remember she was in my gym class. So we would be getting changed around each other. And I would be so weird about it. Right. Like, I'm not looking at you.

Like, I'm going to all go outside while you're changing. And she'd be like, what? Like, I was just so, I'd be like bright red because I'm like, oh my God, Sadie. you're taking a bra, I was like that. And I always, I'd, like, bring her little snacks and stuff. Like, so I had a crush, but I wasn't really letting myself realize that. But she was my first, like, in-person crush. But then I would get crushes on.

I was obsessed with Nala from the Lion King. I would get little crushes on actresses that I saw. Who that we would know, like a celebrity or whatever, anybody on a TV show? So it's weird because. Visit BetMDMDM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you. to play responsibly.

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to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. I've always been attracted. I've always wanted to know that the person's like a little bisexual, right?

So I kind of had a crush on Lindsay Lawen when she was dating Samantha Ronson because it was like a green flag, but I like that girl from the lead singer of the Pussy Cat doll girls. Do you remember her? Nicole. Yeah, I remember she'd loosen up my buttons. I remember that and like watching her like kind of come through the screen and I remember thinking, oh yeah, I like that.

I like that. And then I would go on AOL and pretend to be a guy and have little girlfriends. Like I would do stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, lots of age sex location. Did you do that? No. You didn't do that?

Okay, because I guess that came out when I was, I'm 40. I'm graduating. Yeah. I'm graduating college in 96. The internet is one year old. I'm gone. But in a way, isn't that nice that you weren't worrying up doing any of that? Yes.

Because I thank God. Thank God none of these videos are all, God, for bid. If you saw my seventh or tenth grade thoughts or something, none of us. None of us would be anywhere. I remember when a digital camera came out, I would get my Adderall prescription filled once a month. My friend Sarah Herrick would take all my Adderall's and put them in our hands and we would take pictures with the digital camera. and I snorting it

and just thank God we could because we would have posted it we would have looked at what we're up to just driving around smoking cigarettes getting stoned thank God we wouldn't have posted that or we weren't just like scrolling and consuming stuff we got to like live a little bit

I mean look it wasn't like we were doing the best job we were snorting Adderall missing you know sports games or whatever snorting what was that what did Anna Nicole Smith die of Fenn Fenn Fenn Fenn Was it some type of diet pill? Phamphan was a big diet pill. It was, and it's illegal now.

Is it? I used to pop a bunch of those and go play soccer. Like out of 7-Eleven and shit like that. And then go play soccer. For a D3 soccer team. Hope your heart even more. You're a girl after my own heart. I love soccer.

What school? This was at my tiny little high school. So it's also a D3 tiny high school. There's no stakes. There's no reasons to be that geeked out. I see. But I would be pumping myself up and then go running around playing. Are you scoring like three, four goals of games?

I was really bad, really bad. Just fast and around there. Yeah. Just busy. Really, just busy doing a lot of what the fuck is what I'm doing? Wait, I have a question for you. Please. The first person you come out to.

Very first person. Is that the same first experience you have with a lady? It wasn't. I had this friend Megan and she had come out and she went to school. She was like a couple years older than me and I made out with someone once. I remember I was like hammered. And there was this girl named Ramon. who was like from a, she was from a couple towns over.

And I had this friend of mine, Tom. I said, Tom, I heard this girl, Ren's going to be at this party. Let's go. And he was like, Ren the lesbian. And I was like, oh, whoa, no, never mind. Sorry. And then he was like, all right. No, let's just go.

We'll go. Ren the lesbian. Kids and their cute nicknames. Poor girls. Or it's like you look back the nicknames that we would give each other as kids. We called a kid harder. I think about it a lot. This kid.

had shit all over his teeth and we would be like, shut the fuck up, Carter. No pressure to end. And then his nickname became Tartor. What was his real name?

It was Brian, I think it was. And we called him Tartter into high school and shit. And it got to the point where he would like grit his teeth and go, I don't cut this shit no more, man. But he would fess up that he did. You know what I mean? We would have like,

shut the fuck up. Your Tartter. Tartter. I love that. The nicknames. Yeah. And it's with you for life. Oh, it's with you for life.

You can't shape that. Someone's going, ordering some harder sauce, and he's just like flinching in a corner. Like, that stays. There was this kid who would hump, he was in special ed with me for a little bit, but he would hump trees every now at recess, and so they would call him like tree hump or john. But that was an elementary school in this port. That was going on. Peabber call on that.

If I ran into him in town today, you know, you just, it's just in your head. Tree humpers, steams with you. It's, you know, his wife and kids are like, what, what did you used to do? He stays with you. So I told, I made out with this girl, Wren. I made out with lesbian ren. Is this your first kiss? First kiss?

I'm hammered. Wasted. I remember making out with Rand and then going and then puking in a corner. And then the next day, I told Megan, but I was so, I was like forlorn about it. I was like, what have I done? And she was like, it's okay. And she was like, you're going to, I was a senior in high school. She goes, you're going to get out of town and then you can like be out.

And she also said, she goes, you, she said, don't just be with the first lesbian you meet. Don't do that. She goes, give yourself some space to come out. Because they're going to move in. and it might not be someone you like. And I did not take that advice. You did. The second I met it, the second it was this girl, Angela,

and she was, she was bad news. I got to campus and she, I remember her seeing me. And I like very feminine women. Angela was very sporty. You like the Nicole, like, scaring. No hints of masculinity. Like, not even like the, by any standard.

Who's today? Give me a, give me an example. Oh, my celebrity question now? Yeah. Okay, so my celebrity class now, I was just thinking about this. I'd say my celebrity crush is now, you know, with all love and respect for my girlfriend, of course. Jennifer Tilly, I think is so cute.

Yeah. Trina. Remember Trina? Trina, the baddest bitch. What? The rapper? Yeah. I didn't until you just said it.

Yeah. I saw her on, whose podcast? I saw her on some podcast because she's funny, but she's feminine and but she kind of commands respect. So I like, I like that type of vibe. I like that type of vibe. Okay. And then also there's this porn star called Crystal Lust. who's like a real curvy Latina

and I always had a crush on her but then my girlfriend ruined it for me because she goes Crystal Lus because I genuinely believed I genuinely believed in her porn that she liked her sexual encounters and then my girlfriend watching and she goes that that woman is miserable

and so now I'm like I don't have a crush her anymore I thought she really You need them to be into it Yeah I believed it I really believed it I don't maybe my girlfriend was just you know being a hater that day

but so that was my celebrity Okay who's your celebrity crush I don't really have one I don't really yeah no do you ever see the show Southland were the LA cops yeah it was on TV for a while and it got picked up again

it was like FX and it's on something else now it's on Netflix they're replaying but Regina the lead actress and that I thought I really liked her yeah and my girlfriend was like oh she seems kind of a mask in for you but not in not an interview she's like very like feminine so as I like know so Ren was a little sporty and then Angela

was real sporty I got to campus It's like my first day in Boston. I'm standing out in the college quad. And this, this, she was not, she'd kind of bulldike energy, you know. You can say whatever. You was like, I'm just going to sit over and listen. Don't blink, don't blink. She had this kind of bulldike energy.

And I remember I'm on the quad and she pointed out and she was, you, you're gay. And I was like, who is it? Jesus Christ, just outside like that? I'm romantic. I know. She was a beast. Just calling me out. But she was doing that to other people.

to. Angela lasted, I'd say about six weeks into college before she got kicked out for smoking crack. I swear to God. I know. Isn't that rough? At a, at a, at a, at Simmons College, a little private swimming box. Just getting in there too. Just getting in. But now I think she's doing great. I looked her up online the other day. She's like an attorney in Florida. Good for her. For her. But she was, she came in. She made the most of that time. She was hooking up with tons of people on campus. She was outing people for, you know, like if I hadn't met her, I don't know if I would have come out so soon. Oh, I see. She would be like, oh, Cindy's. Yeah, you're gay. They're gay. That's gay. That's gay. And then she goes, come over, make out with me. And I, and I,

that was the first person I, girl I had sex with, a woman I had sex with. And I remember. The one that was bullying? Yeah. Really? Yeah. And I remember, I don't like her, but I am gay. And we were watching the movie Requiem for a dream. What a weird movie to fucking. Jesus, that's quite an ending for the two you to be watching together too. Yeah. But I remember, I remember being like, I'm gay. And then I was out like the media. but I didn't tell my parents for like a while because I felt I felt a lot I felt a lot of shame to around I really care what my dad thinks I was gonna ask you who you told first I told my mom first because I really care what my dad thinks and I I really didn't want him to be upset and I didn't want my mom to be upset either but I told her I told her it was kind of a shitty way we went to a she had it was she had ovarian cancer and she was recovering from it and her and I were not very close I think I think I had a deep resentment that when my dad, when they got divorced, I still had a lot of resentments about the way my sister and I were split up.

So I felt like a lot of anger towards her. She gets cancer. I wasn't really there for her when she had the cancer. She goes through it. She's in recovery doing the chemo. We go to a silent meditation retreat. And I came out to her at the silent meditation retreat. Jesus.

You're your daughter's father. I mean, you're your father's daughter is what I mean is you and your dad have no good time. And I hadn't bought it until right now, yeah. I thought I did it in the car too. She goes, ah. Jesus. The fucking. And I look a lot like my dad.

A silent meditation where she can't even ask questions or say anything. No, we're sitting across each other. Oh my God. I whispered it to her and she went, what? Yeah. And then we talked about a little bit that night. But she said, you know, she had a lot of, she had lots of questions. And then I said, don't tell, do not tell anybody.

And she was upset and surprised. And I was more, I was fun. with that, but I was scared to tell my dad I just didn't. Because also I think with my mom, she's, she's very like, she's talked about politics where, like, I know she was liberal. My dad is liberal, but I don't think I'd heard him talk about politics before. We definitely never talk about a gay anything. I was going to say, do you ever hear anything about gay around the house? Nothing. One time, I remember talking about this guy, there was this guy who was special needs. And I go, man, I go, he's special needs and he's deaf. And I was like, he, you know, that's, he's got

stacked against him. Really nice guy. I was like, what a nice guy. And I was like, he's got such a good attitude and like, positive light. And he's got these things like, oh, and you know what? Maybe he's gay too. And I was like, so he's got a bunch of stuff. I said this at the time, which I, you know, I was probably in, like, high school. I said he's got a bunch of stuff wrong with him. I remember saying that. I wouldn't say that now. And my dad goes, there's nothing wrong with someone for being gay. And he's like, or the other things either. He was like, well, I just mean it would be harder. And he goes, it could be harder. And I kind of remembered him saying something, but it's, it's harder to not be yourself. And I was like, maybe. But so I had that hint. But other than that,

I had no idea. So I waited. And I had my, my bad stepmom at the time, I told her first. And then she told my dad, but she didn't tell me. My dad. Carol? No, Cynthia now. Cynthia was a bitch. She fucking stole your thunder. She stole the thunder. She, I told her, I, she, I had this girlfriend, like, come visit. I'm like, it's my friend. And obviously, we were a couple. And, Cynthia asked. And then I was like, don't tell that, don't tell that. And then my dad was going to leave her. And she was like, I have to tell you something about Emma.

Like I think she was trying to use it to show, look, I'm close with Emma. They had been together for like maybe 12 years at that point. And she was awful. She was so mean to me. She was so mean. She would always call me stupid. And I think I had a lot of resentment around my dad for bringing her into the house. But him and I have since worked on that.

I was so impressed because I think a lot about guys in his generation. So he's like 70. And I think about, you know, men and what they were taught for communicating and not communicating their feelings, asked how they're feeling, knowing how to walk it off. That's the generation I'm from too. Right. You're fine. Walk it off.

Right. I don't want to hear. Nobody cares. That was, I mean, that has only been changing recently. So I think like, you know, I like my dad, he was like an overweight kid. They sent him off at like something crazy young. like seven to some boxing, like eight month boxing school. Here you go with the tooth.

He go with the tooth. Son of a bit. Son of a bit. It's all coming back to the whole circle here. But I'll think about, you know, I just didn't like, oh, man, he didn't know how to, like, process his feelings or, and that's not me giving him an out. No, I hear you. But you all, you realize we all do that we're looking at people who are like, oh, my God,

you genuinely had. He had no tools. Nothing. No tools. No tools. gear. Right. Exactly.

For gear, just move forward. You don't even know you need tools. I don't, what do you mean hurt? Right. And it was like, it's all like compounded with what, you know, his parents and all this stuff. So it was like, yeah, she was really shitty, but I don't know if he knew how to navigate

that at all. And he's taken, he's like really apologized for it. So how did he handle it when? So I was so nervous. We're sitting on the porch. I'm like, you know, can't, I'm not looking at him. And. How old are you?

I would have been in my first year of college. And he was like, so him and Cynthia had broken up at this point. And she went apeshit. She's calling me all the time. She's like, your father cheated on me. He's a bad person. Like she was telling me all this info that I shouldn't have known. And I wasn't talking to him.

I was like nervous. I wasn't talking to him just because I felt weird. I had this secret from him. But so it was this weird thing where Cynthia and I aren't close. suddenly I'm talking to Cynthia all the time, but she was just using me to then have a wedge to my dad to say, hey, Emma and I are close. She didn't want my dad to break up with her. So my dad goes, Cynthia, you know, told me you guys are talking. And she said, then he like said a bunch of stuff that she said, I said. And I was like, actually, it was like lies. It wasn't true. He was like, she said that,

you know, you don't, you don't love me anymore. And you just, you just, uh, only keep me in your life because I still pay for your phone you're on the family plan. And I was like, she said that. And then I was like, what a bitch. And then I'm like,

I really don't think I did say that. But I probably, maybe I said something like, why I got to keep talking to me pays for the phone plan. My dad still pays for my phone plan, Ryan. I'm still in the family plan.

Wait, right now? Yeah. I'm 40. I know. And you know why I just remember that? Because I lost my fucking phone. You got to call him for passwords. Yeah.

But get this. So this is like two weeks ago. It's met my brother's on. it too. My half brother and I aren't close. We don't talk. The poor lady at AT&T goes, she goes, you know, I'm sorry. Yeah. You guys are on a family phone plan and you don't. My brother and I don't. Yeah. And you don't communicate. So you're on a plan to communicate with each. And I had to explain this to the poor AT&T woman. And I, I've lost my phone a lot. Like, I'm causing problems in the family plan. So I'm like, I can't take my brother's upgrade. I can't

take my dad's one, but my dad will call and he'll let me in, Bob show that Emma's on the account. So I go in, and he's not picking up his phone. It was in the summer, so I go, he's retired now. I go, I know what he's doing. He's on his lawnmore. And he's got a lot of lawn. So I was like, it's going to take a couple hours.

And the woman's like, well, you could just call this person right here. Looks like a wily woman, your brother. I go, oh, I don't talk so much because he can't call your brother and your family plan. I said, we're not that kind of family. So I had a different kind of family. I just sat there. And so my dad got off the, and I was like, he's mowing the lawn. And then he finally, he called and he was like, I was on the tractor.

And I was like, what's the past code you get into the. So that's how we, that's how we got into it. But so I told him, we're sitting out in the porch. And he said, you know, you know, Cynthia said, you're just talking to me. The only reason like you haven't fully cut me out is you're on that, you're on that family plan. And I was like, oh, she's such a bitch. And he was like, and she also told me something else that I wish she hadn't only because that be a special moment for us. And I'm like, what? Like, I was just like, oh, crap. And he was like,

she told me that you're in a relationship with a woman. And I was like, how do you feel about that? And he was like, it doesn't matter really matter how I feel about that. I was like, it does matter how you feel about that. And then I said something like, I was like, if you have a real problem with it, I'll walk it back. If you have a real problem with it, I'll figure it out. And, and, and, And he was like, you shouldn't give anybody that power. And I was like, but I was like, if you really want to make a case for it, you know, I'll see what I can do. I don't know what I would have done. And he was like, you shouldn't like, don't ever let someone. He was like, you got, there's two ways to live life either be yourself or you don't and one of them is going to kill you or something like

that. So he was, I would say that's like the best response someone could have. He did say don't. I remember he was like, don't cut your hair though, something like that. I had long hair at the time. But then it's like, you know, you start. I think also sometimes it's like parents trying to hold on to the person that they know. Like I had a friend that transitioned and his mom said she was like, I am, she was like, the thing is I just missed your name. I gave you your other name. And I miss that.

And she's like, but it's like I have a new, a new version of you now. But that was a moment for me where I was like, oh, I get that. I get that. That's nice you to see that because I see that either. This is a mom who named her kid James or whatever. Right. And God damn and I miss calling you James. I've called you James forever.

And I love James. It's like I love that person. Yeah, that's an interesting thing. Yeah. And it is a burial in a way where they're still here. And it's, I had not even considered that missing just calling them by their birth name. Right. And I get that totally.

And I understand too, like I understand when parents like, oh, you know, it'll be harder or whatever. But the truth is is if you're not. I mean, think how intense like sex and relationships are. So being with someone who doesn't line up with what you want. That's brutal. brutal. So after that it was like pretty smooth sailing but I was in a series of so many like bad relationships. So it was like my parents were not homophobic at all, but they didn't like a lot of my girlfriends if that makes sense. Yeah, what were you bringing home to the moms and dads?

I just didn't know who I was. So I didn't know what I would want in a partner. So I was just going with anybody that I was attracted to that liked me and then modifying how I was. was to try to win them over instead of thinking who am I and are we a good fit and then that would end so badly because I'm in a relationship with someone I shouldn't be in a relationship with and then it blows up. I just want to make you feel better by yourself here. That is not exclusive to lesbians. Reacts every motherfucker one of us.

Right. Okay. Now I have to start figuring out how to talk to these people. I like find them. I have to learn who I am, be a better person. And oh my God, I don't like that. I do like this. I'm into that.

I'm not into that. Oh. And someone can be great. It doesn't mean they're right for you. No doubt. Because then you can go, oh, this person's awesome, but that doesn't mean we should be together. And then I don't know how you've handled breakups before. I used to be really bad.

Like the worst of me would come out in them. Yeah. It's tough. Yeah. Because I look back. I go, oh, I was mean sometimes. In the way that I would leave. But a lot of times those people I shouldn't have been with necessarily.

I was just, I didn't know. who I was. I didn't know what I liked. I only started learning about the types of things I like in the past like six years. I like I like going for a walk. I like crystals. I like red light therapy. I like health stuff, you know, I like that. I like learning about that stuff. I like learning about that stuff. We're getting older. I like health stuff. The chiropractor. I don't make this shit feel better. Just head to tell. Exactly. Chiropractor. You just said, okay, so my favorite, my porn, my new porn. Oh my God, the cracks. Ringdingers. What's ringdingers? Ringdingers. I'm a woman. This is a guy started in Houston. I want to give him credit. They're all doing it now,

but he's, you lay on the table and you have your, you have your legs in a 90 degree angle, and he's got your hips locked. Okay. Then he folds a towel around your neck, and he pulls your neck so that the goes out, your waist doesn't move it. It's just, I watch compilations of God. The Y strap is bullshit. Because that's the one where they put it on your chin, they pull you, but your body slides. It doesn't really get you. You got a whole, You're a connoisseur now. So I just got a vertical chair. Oh, the ones where you spin it decompresses the spine.

And I was like, this is going to be some bullshit. I cannot wait to start doing that. Like I have fantasies about I want to, part of why I want to move to LAS, I have more space so I want to get decompression chair. I think that's legit. My fantasy, my non-sexual fantasy is to be suspended. I know this is going to sound sexual. Just let the spine.

By my ankles. But far enough down where you can also have, like, like cables to my wrist so that I'm suspended mid air. And then I want to gently be wrung like a wash rack and stretched and twisted. Is that a thing? They do that? No one's doing that. I watch another guy, this Asian dude, that he'll sit you down, he'll tie your waist.

And then he puts this, like, it looks like underwear, like briefs around your head. And he cranks it. And you just keep going up. And then when the people go, oh, that's when he goes, one more to go, and he comes down. I'm like, I'm watching this. We got to find a way to get you a ring dinger. But the fucking invert chair. That does sound.

So sexual ringdinger. A ringdinger. It sounds like some like special. It's a move that they're using. It sounds like some specialty type of blowjob that some dominatrix who's like wants to retire and she's like smoking cigarettes. Carol must have did that to make your dad leave the family for five months. Right. Give me that ring dinger.

Yeah. Get you in and out in five minutes. I'll give you a good old ring danger and then just like. But that invert table like I've had back surgery. I have no one's ever been able to pop me going to my left ever. Really? I've been waiting. I have felt like I've needed this one.

release. Yep. Forever. That's how I feel when I watched those things. I got in that fucking chair. Popped. Wow. Not only did it pop.

I got a little one at first. I was like, okay. And as I'm hanging there, I do it for three minutes and I'm doing five now. Nice. It went, pop. To the point where I was nervous at first. And then I was like, oh, my God. And I hung there a little longer and bam, one more.

And I was yelling. I was like, yeah. My daughter was like, yes. And there's still one more. I need that third one. Oh, God. And now, like, if I could put it on top of it. It's going to happen.

This is me now. If I could put it on top of a table where I could invert it because your arms do hit the floor. Right. You need more, like, less space under you so you could hang more. Got it, got, got, got, got, got. You could even grab a kettlebell for a weight and pull yourself down. I'm over, I'm in home doing it nonstop. I popped it last night before bed.

It would pop. It's almost like you need to be, like, over the edge of something. Yes. But safely, obviously. Yeah, clearly. I'm going to be out there rigging some bullshit up over my bottom. over my balcony and stuff. It's going to be the first person.

And people are going to think it's some, what was the thing where people used to choke themselves out and then they would die? Yeah, autoerotic essence. You said used to. You're thinking they're probably still doing it. They're still doing it. But it's going to look something like something's going to go wrong and they're going to think it's like some sexual thing.

But yeah, I love that. But that's my fun now. But I didn't know I like that stuff where I'm like, okay, these are the things I like. This is something I don't like. I don't drink anymore. So it's like, like my girlfriend loves to go out dancing. But she's not a bad. drinker but we don't she doesn't need like I was talking to a friend the other day and they were like

I would want a big a pillar for me would be being with someone that did like to go out dancing so that's not like a pillar to my girlfriend like we don't we like keeping that stuff separate but I didn't have I mean I didn't really have a I didn't have a representation of healthy relationships romantic ones ever really my dad and my stepmom now I would say are in a great relationship yeah my stepmom now is great and the first I'd say like it's just excuse me interesting you still say so step mom. I've thought about this too. How long have you known her? I would say now about 15 years. Okay. All right. What would you call her? Well, I don't know. Maybe you're my dad's wife or third wife. Really? You can't call your, you can't say your dad's third wife. If, to her face. No, no, no, no, no, because she's

great. But I'm saying, you can't say your dad's third wife. But let me see, hear me out. If you're an adult, I'm saying if you're, if you're 20 and your dad gets married again for a third time. Right. I don't think that person's a, by, by title. By title. they are, but a stepmom to me or dad is... Raised you a little bit. It stepped in and helped during a period where you really needed it. So I, like, my mom got married to a man later and I was like, I'm my stepdad. You know what I mean?

I'm fucking 30 years old. You know what I mean? It's just my mom's, I don't say new. I just say husband. That makes sense. Yeah. I'm saying it's nice of you to bring her in like that and say that. Yeah, I do.

I did tell him she had killed two before. I did tell him. He's dead now. Parents getting rema. I put her through the ringer when she first got with my dad. I remember she sat down and she was like, look, I know you and your dad are really close. And she was like, I know that the person before me wasn't great. And I said, let me stop here right there.

I go, you know he's cheated on every single person he's been with. And I appreciate that you're trying to win me over. And I was like, but just I don't know why you think you would be different, but like just know what you're getting into. My dad was sitting there and he was just like, whew. Like he didn't say like, can it or anything. So he let me say that. And she was like, I hear you. But so I did call her my stepmom for years, but I didn't mean it.

Now I do really feel that way, I would say, in the past like 10 years. But I hadn't thought about this until you said this. I remember I had borrowed her car. It was like my junior year of college, I had borrowed her car, small town, so I get pulled over. I know the cop. And he goes, whose car? I said, I go go with my stepmom's car. It was a routine stop.

And he goes, okay, what's her name? And I went, ooh. I said, shit. Is that right? Yeah, they hadn't gotten married yet. So I was just calling her my stepmom. I go, oh, this is funny. I was like, I don't know her name.

He goes, you don't know your stepmother's name. I go, my dad hasn't married or yet, but I can tell they're going to get married. And he was like, get out, you know, and he was like, Emma, what are you doing? Yeah. And he was like, are you? That's right. He knows you. Yeah, yeah.

Right. I had to do like the test, all that. Because he, luck, I wasn't drinking, but he was like, I was like, I do not. I don't know. But then because of. it was also such a small town. He like pulled it. He goes, is this L.A.

Kordemache's car. And I go, it is. And he goes, okay, like, we'll call her. You know, he's like, I know her. She worked at the main maritime mechanic. This was small town coming into effect. But I had that moment where I said, stepmom's car. And who's that?

And I go, well, you got me there. So there was, I started just saying that pretty quick. But then I did start, like, meaning it. And they do with a healthy relationship, which I'm in good for my dad, because I don't think he's at a representation of a healthy relationships when he was little either. That's stuff. does a number on you in ways you don't realize. You keep recreating the patterns.

But then when you become aware of it, you got to do something about it. Then you got to break them. Then you got to break them. That's where you got to get in. Got to break the cycle. We've already done an hour. Would you be comfortable telling me about what I would tell my 16 year old self? No.

I mean, would you be comfortable doing a few more minutes and tell us about? I ask for, you know, log lines when you come in. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. You tried to kill yourself. And maybe we can talk about that. And then we can wrap up on a positive note for people. Sure.

Are you comfortable doing that? Absolutely. Yeah. What happened? And why are we doing this? So I did try to kill myself a couple times. So the very first, the very, very, the first time was the most intense. But there was, I went through a little mellow, dramatic period where I was like, I was away at this.

I was like really, really depressed. And the bad stepmom sent me away, the mean one, she sent me away. and I remember I would try to like hang myself but not really like I would like tie like a jump rope or something around my neck and around the door and then I would kind of like sit like the inside of your bedroom or something like inside of my bedroom I would just sit there'd be like a little bit of tension but not much and I would just kind of like sit there for like 10 minutes and like kind of do that and then I go and take it off like very very crack my neck now yeah I was practicing for that yeah it's true you got to be careful you got to be careful careful. So I would, but that was the first one, you're, you don't really want to no, but it was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I wasn't, I wasn't, for, and I wouldn't tell anybody about it. So it was just me to myself, test in the waters, because I thought I want to get out of here. And are people seeing the red on your neck when you walk around the house? I don't think I was doing it that hard. Okay. I don't think I was like you're just scratching.

Scratching. Scratching. Right. Right. But I did. Then when I was when I was, when I was in eighth grade. I remember it was so the bad stepmom, my dad and her go together real quick. It was like he introduces me to this woman and then within like maybe one or two months she's moved in and it's not just her, it's her daughter as well. Her daughter was great, but it was not the way for us to be meeting each other. Her daughter's moved into my sister's room. It happens really fast. And the stepmom starts being mean to me quick too. She was a special ed teacher and I had just been diagnosed with dyslexia and she was like you can never do school you don't have like a future like you're not

you're not you're stupid this special ed teacher's telling you this God what do you think she's telling those kids right I know but you know with her she was so off and so obviously off that's why I put it more on my dad why would you have someone like that around a kid because she was I mean you would see it from

she's like it's hard to think of one example to sum it up but it's like she just around town And people were like, like she, she sued the grocery store. She slipped and fell and then sued the grocery store. She sued the high school because of something like that. She was just a lot and bad news. And she was always like walking around town with like lingerie. Like she had this like lingerie that she would like wear around.

It was just little bizarre stuff. And she had this, my dad gave her this big ring. And I remember she would every, like she would catch my eye and then she would like go like this at me with the ring. Just was crazy. And I'd be like, yeah, fine. And she wouldn't let me eat with them. My dad go, let's tell him it's dinner, and I'd be upstairs, and I could hear, and she would go, Emma, Emma ate.

And then I would just, I wouldn't contest it. And then she'd, like, leave me a plate out of food in front of my room sometimes. Fucking bitch. Yeah. So she sucked. So I remember that. So she moves in quick. I realize I'm dyslexic and ADD.

My emotional coping skill was binge eating. So I was just binge eating constantly. I'm in this sick cycle of the ring things. No, Swiss rolls. Oh, I remember those. Oh, I used to take them and I would kind of like, like tongue fuck them a little bit. Oh, you know that. They're so good.

That's exactly what you're fucking supposed to do. Yeah, it is. You remember those? The little debbies. I sure do. They were so good. The fact that you're talking about tongue fucking little Debbie. Little Debbie's the cakes, the cakes.

I loved them. And I would go to different grocery stores. There's only about four stores in town. I would go to different ones and get different cake boxes. Such an addict. And also thinking, I've noticed a lot of active people. It's like, you think other people, no one cares how many freaking boxes of little debbies you, but I'd be sneaky back going to different ones.

But I was in that binge eating cycle. And then I started drinking. I'm drinking all the time. I start getting in trouble at school. I'm shoplifting. I love shoplifting. And I got caught for that. And they called my mom over and it was like my mom, the crazy stepmom and my dad.

And I listened to all of them talking about me. My dad lived in a dome, so I'm up in his office, but I can hear him. And my stepmom's really running the show. She goes, Emma's a bad kid, Emma is, Emma's. And my dad and mom, I think we're kind of lost. And they were like, I got caught shoplifting a few things. And so I was going to get in trouble at school. And they were like listening to her.

And my stepmom was kind of laying out the plan. And I thought, okay, I could get through this. But if I get through this next four years, then it's like what's left for me because she had told me like, you're stupid, nothing, you know, all this. So I started just pop and Tylenol and I was like drinking vodka and popping Tylenol. While you're up there. While I'm up there. And I also used to do this thing where I would be like binge eating and also then Googling like how to stop binge eating. So I'm like binge eating, honey bunches of oats constantly and like all this other food just like eating eating until I feel sick while I'm reading about like how to stop binge eating.

And I thought I just want to put up, I'm done. Like it was kind of rational as route as weird as that sound. It was I wasn't like I got to get out of here. Like I remember being like, okay, I could do this or do this, but I don't want to. I don't want to do this. So I take all this time and all. I wake up throwing up. I was ODing and I called out to my dad and stepmom.

You wake up upstairs still? I wake up in my, I was in my, I got to my bedroom. Don't remember it. I wake up. I remember just throw up projectile throwing up. And my dad thought I took drugs because I remember he hit me. He goes, what did you take? I said Tylenol and he goes, wow, bab, bullshit, what you take?

And I said, Tylenol. And he was like, you got to tell me. And I was like, I'm throwing up. I'm throwing up. He's a big guy. And he went, pow. Because he was like, you got to tell me. And I was like, Tylenol.

And then I, he was kind of like, wait, really just how it on. I was like, yeah. And he was like, why you talk too much? And I was like, yeah. And then they get the ambulance. And I remember I had a CD player. Do you remember Alia?

Of course. Okay, so I had this album that had a bunch of her songs on it. She had this song Try Again and the album was Scratch. So like the only one of the only two songs we would play was that song Try Again. And I tried to kill myself, but now I'm in the ambulance listening to Try Again. No, Eva. I know. You tried to kill yourself if you didn't and now try again.

And it just keeps going to purpose. to see and brush yourself off the time. And I remember. Yep. And I remember thinking that was funny. That is funny. I mean. I thought that was funny.

I remember being in the ambulance kind of like. Terrible soundtrack to post suicide. I really remember. The last song I heard for post suicide. That's crazy. It is crazy. That's crazy. Yeah.

And I remember thinking, like that. But I remember. I remember thinking like, oh, you can have humor in the darkest places. Like, I do remember that. That's what this is fucking all about. Just thinking that. It's true. And you hear people say the most fucked up stuff and then something funny is in it.

And that is so beautiful. But, and like just, it's just, I guess that's just life. It's going to happen. And then it's like we can find a little shred of something funny in there. It's funny. It's like, it's like, I'm grateful for us to have the perspective to like take that away from it. too, you know. Those are my people.

The people that can look. I mean, listen, no one's asking you not to cry. Absolutely. No one's asking you not to be miserable. Right. Sit in your own shit for a while. Understand it. Figure it out.

But eventually get up, move forward and find moments here and there to laugh because that builds character, builds strength. Yes. If you're able to look back at that and be like, oh, my God, that moment that you're having, you're having that in it too, which is really present too, especially for a comedian. Especially for a comedic mind. It was. Get the fuck out of here.

Totally. Like just. It was all skipped except for that. I said, you got to be, you gotta be kidding me. You got to be kidding me. But I really do,

I really do believe that because it's almost like, it's like you're operating on one plane of reality with all the pain. Then when something funny like that happens, it kind of snaps you out of that. And for me, I'll just use eye statements. Like say I'm in my head thinking about myself. It kind of snaps me.

I go get over yourself. That's right. And then now I'll rearrange you. Go go do something for someone else. dickhead. And like that, you know, maybe I need to work on myself talk, but then that helps get me out of that self-pity or whatever it is and snaps into something else. And humor will do that. If something funny happens, sometimes my girlfriend and I... Such a great reset. It's such a great reset. Like, are you in a relationship now?

So sometimes if we're arguing we're having a disagreement about something, well, if one of us just starts like, points out a joke in it, we start laughing. Or he says something ridiculous. You're like, okay, or a way you see. Yeah. And that helps. Finding humor to get out of it is Yes. It helps so much. That's made it. This is my longest. I think we've been together like six years.

Like then, you know, just like being able to still laugh when we're in an argument is nice. It's nice. Nice reprieve. But that was me. I tried to kill myself. Then I had to go inpatient rehab. And then I had to do outpatient rehab. And then I did not learn a lot of life skills from that.

But did you ever try again? Were you? I never tried to that extent again. now. But it did give me, I remember it gave me like a type of like suicidal ideation where I was like, oh, you will go there. But I remember there was like lots of moments where I would be like, like I have this really specific moment where I remember my friends, dad had this little sailboat where we were out sailing and it was like really choppy. And I got scared. And I thought, oh, I don't want to die. And I was like, oh, that was a nice. And I remember thinking, I remember thinking about

peanut butter because I was like, there's such little things. that can bring you joy even when you're stuck and stuff. I was like, I want to just have that, you know, you know, open the tea peanut butter and have that first scoop. I want that, you know, like little things like that and like, oh, I'm happy to be, be alive. Yeah. Even when it's brutal. But so I started getting moments of that because all of a sudden I had something to compare

it to because I tried to take that away from myself. Yeah. So that was, it was a wake of call. Well said, you try to take it away for yourself. Yeah. I always, I think about people that have done it have actually successfully, or if that's the right word, I don't know, to take it in their life. And I just, yeah, you wonder.

I mean, you never really know what someone's going through or what they feel. And then depression, you know, it affects your thinking. It really affects your. I've been more depressed now, though, than I was in that moment when I tried to kill myself. That was really me. I think that was a lot of fear, obviously, because I was scared. I go, oh, who's this woman who suddenly is in control? Well, also you've done better and well by yourself where you start to learn what's going on in your mind and how you are.

and that you know maybe are different than this person over here. And I do things differently over here and figure out eventually what works for your computer. You know, we're all wired differently, you know. Yes. I'm so glad you did this and I'm so glad you're here to do this. Me too. Thank you so much for having me. Can I ask you advice you would give to 16-year-old Emma Wilman?

Is it the same you were going to say at the beginning? It is. All right. It's going to sound a little silly because it seems like an obvious one, but I used to love cigarettes, right? I love cigarettes. I love cigarettes so much. and I still smoked them up until like five years ago. Okay.

When I got the pneumonia, I got back to the pneumonia like three months ago, right? You have to do all these scans of your lungs. I'm in the hospital for lungs and your shortness of breath and all that stuff. I would go back and I see now like what smoking can do. And I didn't get that because of smoking. There's so many reasons you can have that. But when you just become aware of your lungs, so I think with something like cigarettes, I would do it.

And it doesn't immediately affect the outside. And so if I used to something like that where it's like these little things you're doing that you think are just like, you see, now at 40 it's like I see all these little decisions and how they all build. I was like, don't smoke those cigarettes. Learn how to take a damn walk.

Learn how to take a breath. Like these things that you do that, the things that you do that you think, help yourself take a minute that really hurt yourself, don't. And you couldn't have told me anything about smoking cigarettes. And I go, what I don't drink.

Let me smoke. And I love smoking. But I'm so. Now I'm like, oh, my God, I can't. Life comes at you so quick with health stuff. Oh, man. So, so. Oh.

And then you realize. Oh, my God. Like, if you don't feel bad, what you don't realize is how fucking wonderful you feel until anything, elbow, a tooth, a knee. Like, you're like, fuck, this hurts. Man, usually I feel pretty fucking good. And our bodies are amazing. Like, all we're walking around doing our side, but we're pumping blood.

I'm going to hang upside now. You go, snap my fucking spine. Get a crack. I think about it all the time, like, too, that medieval torture. At one point before they rip you in half and your testings are hanging out and you're looking at it. At one point, there's a moment where you're like, yeah, no. That's funny. You should do a joke about this.

This is looking up. Yeah, there's a moment right before they rip you in a half. You're like, fuck, it feels great. If you're going to get ripped and a half, get a crack in. Yeah, get a crack in. Thank you so much. Thank you. Please again, right there, promote anything you'd like.

www. I am, emmawhelman.com. I'm on the road every weekend starting in the middle of March, and I would love to have you at a show. And on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, I always try to write back. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you. As always, Ryan Sickler, on all your social media, we'll talk to you all next week.