The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 401: Rafe Williams | Fighting His Dad & 15 Years Sober | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #401

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

SPONSORS: Monarch -Thanks to Monarch for partnering with this show. Go to https://monarch.com and use code HONEYDEW to get 50% off your first year of Monarch Core. Chubbies -Your new wardrobe awaits! Get $20 off your full price purchase @‌chubbies with the code honeydew at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/honeydew Comedian Rafe Williams joins me this week on The HoneyDew to Highlight the Lowlights of the abuse he and his brothers experienced at the hands of their father and tells the unbelievable story of discovering his dad was having an affair with the local postmaster! We also get into one particularly rough day when Rafe and his mom somehow went 0–4 in fights, and Rafe reflects on addiction, recovery, breaking generational cycles, and reaching 15 years of sobriety. Check out Rafe on his podcast The #2 Show, and his specials Young Grandpa, and Inside Dogs vs. Outside Dogs SUBSCRIBE for new episodes of The HoneyDew every week. 🎟️See me live. All tickets at www.ryansickler.com/tour 🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! http://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE 👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more! http://youtube.com/@rsickler ✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month! Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler 📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] 👕Get Your Merch👕 http://www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/ 🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧 The HoneyDew - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250 The Wayback - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479 Patreon - http://www.patreon.com/ryansickler 📣 Follow Me📣 ▪ Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/ryansickler/ ▪ TikTok: http://www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler ▪ Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial 🕸️ryansickler.com/ 🍈thehoneydewpodcast.com/ 🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀 http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tacoma, I'm headed back your way. I'll be there September 11th and 12th. La Jolla Comedy Store, one of my favorite clubs in the country. I'm headed back there, September 25th and 26th. Get your tickets now at Ryan Sickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler.com, Ryan Sickler, on all your social media. You guys know what we do here. We're jumping right in.

All right. We highlight low lights here. All right. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest with us here. First time on the honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, Ray William. Welcome to the honeydew, right, William. Welcome to the honeydew.

Thanks for having me, dude. Thank you for being here. Before we get into whatever we're going to talk about right there, plug, promote anything you'd like. All right. This will be over by then, but I'm doing a show in Hermosa Beach tomorrow night.

That won't matter to you. But you could check out my podcast, The Rizzuto show. Actually, we're live. We're live. Ooh, the honey-dos is taking risks. You can check out my special young grandpa on YouTube.

You can check out my second special on Don't Tell Comedy called Inside Dogs versus Outside Dogs. You can listen to my podcast, the risuto show. Anywhere podcasts are sold. And you can order the vinyl. If you really want to, I'll print it up for you.

And you can also check out the number two show podcast. And just Google me. Follow me at I am Rafe Williams on Instagram and all social media networks. Even Granger. I, well, I've got a million questions. But are you actually a young grandpa? Are you a grandpa? I am a grandfather.

You are? Yeah, yeah. I was a grandpa at 36. Who. We do. Dude. Yeah, Brousson. I got to say.

We be fucking where I'm from. I know that early on when all that shit was going down, it was probably a young mess and everything else. But I got to tell you, as a 53-year-old dad to an 11-year-old, dumbass. I wish I did it when I was in my teens. I wish I was an 18-year-old dad. How old were you when you became a dad then? 42. Dude, first time.

Six years, yeah. Six years after you're a grandparent. father. I'm a dad. What are you doing? Listen, I say it all the time. If I knew that I was going to, that it was going to last one year and it was all going to go bad, I would have done that shit in my fucking 20s. You know what I mean? I waited because I thought I was waiting for the right thing to do. And I'm like, this, I should have done this when I had good knees. You know, and go back. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's jump back here for a second. Where are you from originally?

Let's get into a little bit of your home life going up. So I grew up in a little town in southern Illinois called Dowell, Illinois. Dowell, okay. Yeah. And when I say, you know, I say Illinois, people are like, oh, Chicago, been there. Nah, I'm from the other end, way down at the other end, which should have been northern Kentucky. Like, they fucked the lines up when they drew that map. It's coal mine country, you know, coal mine shut down, poverty.

There was 500 people in my hometown. Whoa. It was spelled D-O-W-E-L-do-well, and ironically, nobody was. Not a single person. Wait, is your dad in that business? Is that why you guys are there? No, we grew up there, dude. Was your young grandfather also in that business?

My grandfather was a bricklayer. Okay. Union men, Union Democrat, through and through. And then it was just kind of like, you know, if you get born into it. And, you know, my family lived there for years and years and years. So I had generations of family there. It was just like that was the big business. When the coal mine shut down, they built prisons.

Because like when you live in these impoverished areas, they're like, those are the jobs you want out of high school, right? Like a coal mine, farmer, prison guard. My youngest brother's done all three. He's got the triple crown of Southern Illinois jobs. He's got the hat trick of it off. He went top shelf on all three. All groteskeys. Every dude's like, I don't want to go to college.

I don't want to go to college. No military, though, is in there sometimes. Military to, yeah, I did that. That was my ticket out. You did? Yeah. All right. So hold on.

We're getting way ahead of ourselves. What does dad do for living? What's mom do? Why are you guys in this town and stay in there? So we just grew up there, man. And like, you know, people get trapped in those small towns. Like, people don't leave. Mom.

My dad was kind of like laborer. Eventually got a job at the post office, which is another good gig in those situations, good bennies. He probably got that job when I was like 11 or 12. So we were real poor until then. And then we were like, what I was. I thought was a middle class until I met a middle class person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

My dad's making like 20. I go, oh, dad's making 23K? What? Hello? What year is? Our trailer just got twice as wide. It's a triple Y now. Bing.

Bang. Yeah. Like, you know, you don't realize you're poor because you're around other poor people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we're doing better than them. Yeah.

And I go, oh, I thought we were middle class, man. We were just like upper poor, which is fine. It's good. It's a good upbringing. So he did that. And then my mom, you know, worked intermittently when we needed cash. She also had my, I'm the oldest of three brothers and we were all five years apart. Oh, man. And I'm convinced. I'm one of three. And I can only imagine you're, I'm technically the middle, but I'm a fraternal twin. So I'm four minutes younger than my oldest brother. So you're the oldest. You shared the duties. I tell them all time that I feel like I was conceived in the womb first and he was just delivered first. And technically I'm older. But they only. rule it by when you're born. I agree.

You know what I'm saying? But I'm just thinking of your mom, four testosterone boys all the fucking time around and shit. Yeah. A hell of a lot. Yeah, I always felt bad for her, dude, because it was like, you know, she couldn't own a stick of furniture that didn't get you guys just jumping on everything. That was first thing I bought her when I got a little money was I was like, hey, I'm going

to buy a living room set. We owe you. You just said that shit like it's a price. It's right. It's one of the showcase prizes. Tell her what she's one. A new living room set. From Brighill.

What came in the set? Oh, dude. Some end tables and some stuff. Oh, I got a whole brother. I didn't spare any expense. I went down to rent one and I said, what's been returned recently? I'd like to buy. Oh, he wanted to use it.

Yeah, lightly used. Gently. I got a deal. Gently used. There is a cigarette burn on the other side of that cushion, but if you just leave it up like this, you're good. We're going to Ashley. It's hilarious. Yeah, man.

So I got her to the whole couch, love seat and table, coffee table, spared no expense. I mean, we broke. Everything was secondhand anyway. Yeah. Because that's what's weird about when you grow up poor in the 80s and 90s, it's like having a time machine that only goes back 20 years. Because you're like walking to someone's house and it'd be like that yellow speckled table. You know what I'm talking about. We all had the same dishes with the brown leaf shit around.

Or green. I think you had two color choices. There's like the little foil leaves on the wall because that was what they thought. Home interiors was selling. So everything was like secondhand. So it was already in bad shape. I'm 47. Okay.

So, you know, and you'd go on someone's house and it'd be like, this was, this furniture was nice. This floral couch was nice in 58 when it was new. But now it's 85 and there's been a lot of, a lot of uncles farted on this thing, man. Yeah, a lot of that. So, yeah, we broke all our stuff. So that was, like, the first thing I got her. All right. And then so what, as you're growing up, then dad's doing postal service.

Yeah. Mom's picking up gigs here and there. Here and there, yeah. What are you doing? Just being a good student. Are you doing what you're supposed to be doing? Are you, you know? Yeah, I was pretty good.

I was like, you know, on a roll up until high school. And then it was like, I still did it. I could get by on a little effort. I got a lot of the, what's the check mark they give you on the grade card? It was like, does not apply himself. Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah. But I could still like get B pluses, got, you know, make honor roll, keep everybody on my back. So they were saying, we knew you could do more. Right.

What they were saying. He's capable more. He just doesn't apply himself. Yeah. And what's, what's home life like? It was all right, man. Like, you know,

part of this pod is the low light. So, dad was kind of, like tough dead kind of you know you it was definitely an abusive home you don't like know it's abusive you know until you go stay all night at a friend's house you ever have that rave you ever have that epiphany we talk about it all the time when i when i go to somebody else's house as a kid i was like yeah well you guys are getting hugs over here hey man somebody just came in and offered us a snack you know what i mean like whoa you guys are laughing together like what the fuck's called and then you

realize oh yeah mom beats the shit shit out of my. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, hey man, when do we, like, what does your dad just put, like, when does you pull you in the other room and beat your ass? Because he knows you did something wrong today. He was what, man? And I go, oh, nothing. Your mom done beat you with a lunchbox in front of your friends. It's called, no, like, my mom had the sneak attack, but yeah, you know, my dad, he was like a little too much of a disciplinarian. Like, he went a little too hard. Was he ex-military? No, yeah. He. He was in the Army.

But I think he was just a dickhead. You know, like I'd like to just say, for the record, I'm not blaming the United States Army. Or the Postal Service. Oh, no. Those are two professions that do need to take a deep look at their institutional problems. Going postal did come from the Postal Service. It did. It became a saying for a reason.

Also, your dad is there during the heyday of postal when people were going postal. Oh, yeah, dude, yeah. Yeah. And my dad was a big dude. So, like, I'm 6'1. And I'm not going to say, you're not small. I'm not, but I am to my family. I am.

Your dad's a bigger than you? My dad's like 6, 4, 2, 70. Okay. So he was like, and a menacing imposing, that's a big dude when you're grown. That's a real big dude when you're a kid. You know what I mean? That's a giant when you're a kid. So, you know, I think he had a lot of, just like all these small town dads, man.

They got all this pent up like, I'd never made anything of himself. and it was everybody else's fault, blamed his kids, was real, you know, treated as why. You know, I didn't find out until later in life that, like, he would kind of abuse her in private, which sucked. Like, you find that out from your mom. Physically, you mean? Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, he would go at us, like, especially me because I was the oldest, you know, he'd kind of go at us.

He'd go with me hard. I got, I took some grown man licks before I was grown. And it's funny because you find out. What's the worst? What's the worst you remember? I remember like he was my dog had done something and he like grabbed a hold of my dog and like threw the dog against the wall and then I you know when you're a kid that's your child that's my homie dude that's I'm like you think I just going to throw black tack against the wall

homeboy yeah black black tack best dog in human history and he picked it up and throw it in the wall yeah he was like and I you know I was probably like 10 and I remember like I jumped on him and was like you know get out my dog you know like the Yeah. And man, he turned around and just, like, gave me one in the chest that, like, cave me, dude. Just where I'm just like, too. Oh, Jesus. You know, like, you were just gone, dude.

Richard Pryor's got the best bit about his dad hit him in the chest, and his chest held on to it. And he wouldn't let it go. This is what I felt like. His chest is holding on. Like, I don't want you to get one more. You know that scene in Marvel where the, she puts the Hulk? The glove on? Or where he goes to see the.

Sorcerer Supreme and she's like, pushes the Hulk out of David Banner and he's like looking back at the Hulk. That's what I felt like. My soul got, he's like one of those sticky hands and got snatched back into my body. And there was a lot of that, but there was also just a lot of daily. But you're a big motherfucker here. He'd go after us with the belt and just get carried away. You know, there was no, there was no like, you're getting three. It was like you're getting to tell I decide you've had enough. Yeah, right.

What age are you when you're like, I think I can fucking take them? And do you, do you ever? You ever try them? Like, I mean, when you're 17. Yeah, last time we mean, like. Yeah. So it was weird as my mom stayed for a long time. Like, I found out later in life that he used to like pull her in to like the bedroom.

And he never did in front of us, which is sneaky. You know what I mean? Like he would pinch her arms and shit. And then, you know, she told me later, which it's always weird when you're, when you're the oldest and you're in that kind of environment. Like you become your mom's confidant. and friend way too soon. You know what I mean? Like, I remember my mom coming to my room and being,

because, you know, I'm the oldest and like, he didn't really let her have friends. He was kind of really controlling in that way. And then, you know, I remember my mom coming to my room being like, hey, can I talk to you for a minute? You know, and I'm like, yeah, what's up? And she's like, I'm thinking about divorcing your dad. And I'm like, who, we set these Ninja Turtles down, Mom.

Jackie, let me set Michael Angelo and Donatello down. They were in the middle of ordering a pizza. Delicious pizza. Yeah, that Rocksteady and Bebop are on some, on some weird shit. I got to fuck this whole pizza party up. Bebop and Rocksteady

are on some weird shit, but I'm gonna put this on pause because I'm 100% behind you leaving this piece of shit. Wait, I got to fucking, this is my mental brain and people are gonna yell at me. How long are you in town?

Right now? Yeah. Like four days. Third Street Promenade. There's a pop-up of, I just put a picture of it. It's a fucking, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turr, it's their pizzeria.

Oh, dude, I'm there. It's on Third Street promenade, which is a walking street. It's down there right now. It's a pop-up. How far away is it? 10, 15 minutes. Thanks for having me on the pod. We could order you one.

They can pick up, bro. That's tight. Yeah, they got to fuck. Anyway, so mom comes in and she's going deep like that. She doesn't have a girlfriend or anything. She can run that by. You're not really, man. And that's like, me and my mom are kind of.

And she doesn't have a job. There's nobody there at work every day. She could talk to her. anything. So not really. You know, and also just like probably didn't. It's still, you know, it's the 80s, man. Like people still hid that shit. Mm-hmm.

So she was probably like, didn't want everybody know what was going on. Yeah. She's like, well, you know, because you see it. So you know he's an asshole, you know? And it's like, but it's weird because me and my mom still have that relationship. Like when you're the oldest, like we became friends. The parent relationship kind of dissolved and we became buddies soon. But then they try to flip you back.

to, and I'm like, no, you don't get to, at 20, you're not like, as your mother. And I'm like, Jackie. You gave that up when I was nine. The second I set those turtles down. Well, soon as I set those turtles down, you gave it up. You gave me a Salem Light 100, and we were like, what's going on? You poured me a cup of coffee. That's silly everything, girl.

That's it, girl. I love everything girl. I became your gay best friend, you know what I mean? Like, that's the way it is. Every oldest child was at one point, his mom's gay best friend for a woman. for a while for a little bit. I know it's a Gillis bit, but it's true. Oh, shit.

So, you know, I would hang with her and then, uh, so we would go through that, you know, like that was kind of my, I mean, that's how I discovered I was funny, dude. Like that was, uh, the reprieve comedy came from trauma. So it's like, when I'm making her laugh? Yeah. Like during these conversations, you're finding his little light moments. Well, when he wasn't there, like, you know, it was that feeling when you have an abusive parent, uh,

Every day around you knew you got off working four o'clock you'd feel there'd be like a dark cloud Shut on the house and everyone's like fuck all right guys summer is winding down but we've still got some time to let those beautiful thighs breathe before back in pants and sweats I just ordered some new clothes off of chubby's right now I'm waiting for the chubby's OG stretch shorts I also got some new swim trunks coming because it's southern California it's gonna be hot out here for a while and I got a performance polo same reason I can wear that polo for a while from everything i'm hearing about chubby they're soft they stretch they dry fast and i love their designs go look online they got so many different patterns and designs and different inseam links all right so you can decide exactly how much style you want to put out in the world i like a little longer short

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Now, let's get back to the dude. You know, and that was just, and that was dads in general back then. Think about this, dude. There was a game called Don't Wake Daddy. Was there? And it was just a game where like you fucking lost if dad woke up. And it was like a little dude on a bed. Look up.

Don't wake daddy. We'll talk about that on the way back. So it was like, cut this part out, curse. But no, no, no,

you can still say it. No, but it was like, it was just like a game where like, you rolled and like, if the dice woke, the head would wake up pissed. And I'm like,

that's just like dads back then. You didn't fuck with dads. They're all second shift workers. But there'd be like a dark cloud you could feel kind of come over the house. And everybody's like, oh, he's about to be home. What's it going to be like? And, you know, everybody's walking on eggshells and shit. But I realized when he was gone, like, I could make my mom and my brother's laugh.

I want to ask you, does that bring you the four of you closer? The three of us. Yeah, me and my mom and my two brothers. Yeah. For sure. It became like a language we shared and it was something we didn't do when he was in the house. Like, he didn't really, he didn't like that I was funny. Like, he didn't really encourage.

There's like, it's a weird time. in your life when you realize your dad doesn't like you. Not maybe that he didn't love me in his own way, but like he just didn't like me because he wanted me to be like him. You know what I mean? Like he was one of those dudes. He's like putting all his bullshit into you. You'll be tough.

You're going to be in fights. You're going to kick ass. You're going to play sports. You're going to get pussy. It's going to be awesome. You're going to be everything I wasn't. And, uh, you know, I was, and I did all that. I played sports and I was good at all that stuff.

But also like, I was clever in ways. And he's kind of a dumb guy. And I think he was like resentful of it. You know what I mean? So I figured out like young that I could make my mom or brothers laugh when he wasn't there. And that was a superpower to me of like, oh, I can give you a reprieve from a really shitty situation that we're all stuck in by making fun of him. So I do impressions of him behind his back, which I, you know, like, so we're roasting his ass, really. And then I would like do impressions of like that old man that lived across the street or, you know, kid humor.

But I figured out that like I liked getting laughs. I felt that rewarding, like making my mom laugh and bringing her joy. Like I felt that dopamine hit early on. And, you know, that's what we're all chasing still to this day. So it was kind of like that. But was he, was he an alcoholic? Was he a drug addict or was he just fucking mean? Just mean.

I wish I could blame it on. My mom's the same way. I wish I'd be like, it's even weirder. It is weird. That there's not something where you could go, well, he drank. changed who he was. Yeah. He did this drug and it changed the man he was.

Yeah. It's just who he fucking was. Yeah. And your mom was like that? Oh yeah. My mom was mentally, physically, emotionally, all the abuses, not sexual, thank God, but just everything. Yeah, I dodged that. But I mean, hands on you, nonstop coming in the house.

Like it was what you said about dad's coming home. That was our cloud was our mom coming home. Yeah. And man. Which is a different vibe. I'd be, you know, because that's like, that's usually the material. eternal nurturing vibe. So that's like it even deeper fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. It can be, but still, you're just, there's still someone in the house. Yeah. That's fucking people up. You know what I mean?

And it was just like, he was just mean, dude. He just like had, he was just an unhappy mean dude. So as you grow up, what are you doing to like get out of the house and so are you trying to stay away more and more? Oh, I mean, party in. Are you going to a friend's house? What are you doing? friends, like I had a friend's house, my best friend, Devin, Jones, still my best friend of this day. We've been, like, I'd go to his house. And like, his parents, Gary and Phyllis, were like my second parents. Like, to this day, I'm 47 years old.

And their front doors unlocked because they live out in the country in the middle of nowhere. If they came home and I was sleeping on their couch in the middle of the day, they wouldn't be. It's like, hey, Ray. Yeah. They would be like, what you're doing here? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, like, we're fam in that way.

And they were kind of the reprieve. That was the house I stayed at where I'm like, hey, man, we can just, you can just get food out of the fridge? And he's like, yeah. And he goes, there's El Monterey burritos up there. And I go, we have as many as we want? And he's like, yeah, it's 1 a.m. He goes, so what? And I just remember, like, my dad used to lock up food.

It was real weird. He had some weird tendencies from growing up poor, you know what I mean? Like he locked candy and snacks in like a, uh, I bought like a gun safe in his bedroom, but the guns fully out. Safety off. He'd leave and we'd be in there. Hey, I look like, I'm Dylan, you son of a bitch. You know what I'm saying?

But the Milky Ways are in the fucking safe. But them little Debbie's are under fucking, like, retina scan. You want a cosmic brownie? Sounds like your dad, my mom would go all along great. Probably. My mom would hide food. And we found it one time out in the boat in the winter. She put like our cold cuts and stuff up underneath the part in the boat and stuff snow in there.

It's the three of us were like, it was here last night. She ain't taking cold cuts to work with her. It's going to go bad. You know what I mean? We got to find these motherfuckers. It was winter. How many seven things you got? Two.

And we tore that place apart and we fucking found it outside in the boat packed in the snow. like this just so we couldn't have ham and cheese yeah that's weird man have ham and cheese that's why it's a control thing too it's obviously a control fucking thing it is trying to send your message it is it made me have a weird relationship with food too like having to ask you know what I mean it's like when I got older I'm like I'll never fucking ask again I'll eat whatever I want whenever I want and then that became 3 o'clock in the morning I'm going to eat this whole pizza with nobody exactly and that was fine when I was like college athlete yeah but you keep eating like a

college athlete when you're just chilling. It got somebody fast, dude. You know, and so he would do like weird shit like that. It was just everything was about control. Your children were extension of you. Like, we weren't people. You're an extension of my dick out in public. And my dick is big.

And my dick is glorious. And you better be big and glorious. You know what I mean? Like, you know, you got the look. If you did something in public, we were like, you're going to fucking get it when we get home. And he'd be like, and he would never calm down by the time you got home. No, he woke me up, dude. And he would like, I remember I got, I beat him.

I try to beat him home. Getting my little bunk bed. And I remember like him waking me up, me like, get up. And he just pulled me out of bed in the middle of the night, beat the shit out of me with the bell, put me right back to bed. Because he was like, justice will be served. You know, and that was just kind of, he just couldn't let nothing go. I mean, rain, sleet, snow, or shine. This motherfucker's deliverer.

We go postal. 99.9.9% of the time. Reins. he's fucking six days a week he's like I don't know if you've heard the motto we deliver on Saturday Motherbug I don't know if you've heard our motto

but going to bed is not going to keep me from delivering the justice mail you know what he would do that shit too he'd take his belt off and like he would taunt you with it you know what I mean

which that's weird to do your kids scary as fuck scary as hell but you did get the extra day though for at least half day right he's out on Saturdays for a little bit

if he go fishing like we loved it when he would be gone no I mean delivering he's delivering he's delivering He's delivering postal. No, he was a maintenance man. Oh, he's not out on the route. He wasn't on the round.

He was like fixing the machines Monday through Friday. But still had the anger of the route runners. You know, he still, he must have bled into the building. Yeah. But yeah, man, he would, he would come home and it would just be, it was just always like that. And he hit it because he was kind of, it was even in the, in the small town politics of it, you know. Like everybody was like, oh, your dad's tough, man. Your dad, boy, he used to get in fights, man.

and like guys respected that shit. So it was like he was respected, but for like the wrong things. Yeah, by the wrong people sounds like too. Like he would coach my little league team. So I was like, your dad's coaching little league team. I'm like, but you don't understand. He's doing it because he thinks your dad's a fucking idiot. And ain't nobody coach, you know what I'm saying?

Like he wasn't doing it out of kindness. Yeah, yeah. He won't be good. We got to be good. Somebody's just like, you're not coaching my kid because you won't be hard enough on him. So I was like all the other kids, my dad. My dad was pretty cool to on the team. But I was like the one, you know, I was out there with the fucking line,

lining the chalk in the field, putting the bases down. Like I was there two hours. And then like, you know, you're taking infield. And it's like, all right, third base to turn two. Shortstop turn two. Then I'd be on second. He'd be like, like a screamer coming at me. He's like, don't, doorn.

Don't get out of the way, you fucking pussy. And I'm just like, why hit it at the same speed as everybody else, man? I'm nine. I'd be making like little, I'd be like putting dirt ramps in front of me to try to like control where the ball was coming, you know? And so he would like do stuff like that.

And you know, the dudes, the blue collar dudes are just like, your dad kicks ass, man, he'll fuck someone up. And I'm like, yeah,

man, that's not the only metric of manhood, bro. But like, yeah, he is good at that. So, you know,

you live with that. And it's like a double-edged sword of like, and it's weird. know how you are with your brothers is all boys you get two kinds of kids when you got somebody like that you get the kid that's like i'll never be like you fuck you and you get the kid that's like i can't stop chasing your approval for the rest of my life and my middle brother is that is your dad's still alive he's still alive i've talked to him in like 20 years 20 years yeah it's been a long time because it's you know what was the what was the reason where you're like that's it

Well, the final straw. My middle brother. And, you know, like, and he, he still goes, he's like, it's like a, it's like a watching somebody get kicked in the head by a mule and then just be like, he won't do it again. I'm going to go back there again. Mule, I'm behind you again. And I'm just like, man, he's going to kick you, man.

And he's like, p p p'pow. He's like, oh, got me again. It's okay. Me and my younger brother, like, kind of washed our hands. The last, so my parents got divorced, like, late in life. And after all, because the thing with him was like, the thing we hung our hat on was, well, he's a dickhead, he's this, he's that. But, you know, he's a principled man. You know, he's a family man.

He stayed in all this stuff. And then he ended up sleeping with the postmaster at the post office. Not the postman. Oh, dude. I mean, he slept his way up the upper echelonized. Let me tell you something. USPS, look into this shit. You got characterization.

The postmaster general knew this was a married man with a family. Yeah. And slept with him. The mechanic. Yeah. So he started having an affair and like, how does your mom find that out? So this is a crazy spot. So I'm grown.

Yeah. I'm grown. And my brothers are still at home. And I think I was playing college football then. And I was like home for the summer. Where'd you play? Eureka College in Peoria, Illinois, which is a little crappy D3 college. Which is impressive because I told you I played.

for the worst high school team in the United States of America. You told me out there, yeah, yeah. So your high school was the worst? Our high school football team was so bad that I would say our rival was the game of football itself. You know what I mean?

Everyone's like, oh, we hated the bear cats over and I go, no, no, we literally, our biggest enemy was the game of football. We were not good at it. We did not understand it. We were not equipped to. We're going to for a second. What was your record in your four years of high school?

I believe we won two games. Okay. So there was one other town that was really bad. It was Carroll, Illinois. And it was like an old river town that dried up when the boats stopped being the big, when the railroads came through. So it was like this run down river town that was just as bad off as we were. They could barely piece a team together.

And it would be like who that was like that was our Super Bowl every year. Like who's going to win in this battle? Is that your home? homecoming game? Yeah. And then you were saying out there for it. You were everyone else's. You guys were that called dear to get right team.

We were so bad that I had five homecoming games a year. Mine and all four away games. Every time dude, bus pull into end zone, I'd be like, boys, bad news, boys. I see floats in the end zone. We're going to get fucking trouts tonight, brother. It's going to be bad. These guys are all trying to get laid tomorrow. Yeah.

They got a dance to go to. we'd lose like, you know, 65, 82 to 6. We might, you know, they put their JV in at halftime. Maybe we'd get one on them and still couldn't get the two-point conversion. You know, we're playing varsity. That's what I'm saying. Is it two field goals? No.

We get like a touchdown. We break one. Maybe I'd run back. I get away with like a kickoff return or something and I'm like, all right, I got my six, you know. And, uh, all right. So wait, back to dad in the postal later. Yeah. Okay.

So. I was home and, like, you know, I was bigger then. I was the size I am now, but I still, he's still intimidating. And I also, man, you like, you're always a little kid to that. It's your dad, yes. Get you, you're in, they're in your head. Dad's always in your head, dude. And they got that weird, like, dad strength, too.

That don't go away. And I had caught him. So, like, I was driving around. He had a weird thing. He only spent money on himself. So, like, when we got money, he, like, he drove a new truck. My mom drove a Ford tempo, piece of shit, barely rammed. And she was the one taking us everywhere, you know, doing a grocery shopping the day to day.

But he'd buy a new truck. He'd buy new fishing stuff for himself. But if we wanted, like, basketball shoes or anything brand name, he'd be like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not paying for that. You know, it was like there was a scarcity. He grew up really poor. And I think there was a scarcity mindset. So when he had money, he selfishly would only spend it on him.

He like never took my mom out to dinner and none of that shit. You never saw affection or anything. Not really. His affection was like he'd come out in the yard and get on his knees and wrestle with us. But I mean with mom. Like you're not seeing a lovey. Did you see him hug? There were times.

Yeah. You know, she was affectionate to him and he would show it to her. But he wouldn't initiate. Yeah. Gotcha. It was privately, you know, in the home. And he did this thing where like it was a real white trash thing to do, man. You get like a new truck and then he'd take spray paint and he'd paint his wheels black.

No. My spray paint. You know what I'm saying? He'd black them out but with spray paint. Yeah, he'd murder him out himself with some cryline. He's like, these hub caps brought to you by Sherwin Williams. And I was like, what are you doing? This is a brand new truck.

So I would, I knew what his truck looked like because of that. I saw like his truck parked at a CD motel. Oh, shit. Like in the middle of the day and I pulled in next to his truck and him and this lady came walking out of the roof. Oh, you parked in there. I pulled up. Because I was like, what's my dad's truck doing at this?

And you know, you had built this whole thing of like, you're a dickhead, you're an asshole, you treat us like shit. But it's because you're a principal man, you have integrity. And it's my kids and my kids are going to behave a certain way. And I have morals and principles. And then, you know, you find out my, oh, you don't. You're full of shit. It's like everybody else, man. And, you know, he came walking out.

And I just like, I didn't know what to say. I was stunned, paralyzed. You know, I was sitting in my truck. Did he see you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I rolled the window down. He walked out. It was like, you know, that whole like.

Wow. The whole. Did you know the lady? Were you familiar with that lady? I didn't know her, but I just said, you got two weeks to tell her. Or I'm going to. And I just beached out. Why two weeks?

I don't know. I guess I felt like a job. Yeah. You got two weeks notice. I was not saying you're giving him a fucking severance. I don't know. Just in the moment, I just came up. You got two weeks, bro.

You're a deep shit, brother. I'm telling you something, man. I'm going to mom right now. You got two months for you this out. I don't know why I gave him a 14-day notice. I guess I felt like that was the right thing to do. That's so funny, dude. Hey, mom, dad's putting his two-week notice.

Mom, you got dad's two-week notice yet? Yeah. When did he get it? When did he give the notice? So, I don't know, he came a couple days later. You know what I mean? They must have talked about it. He left for a while.

Like right away, he went home. He went to live somewhere else for a while. And then he did the whole like, I'm coming back. I did, you know, I fucked up. She forgave him. But it was still going on. It was like a false comeback.

And then, of course. Was that lady married, the Postmaster General? She had a family as well. She's married. She's married to a farmer. Had a bunch of farmland. I think my dad wanted that. Like, she had horses.

She had all the stuff he wanted. You know what I mean? And she had, and she was going to get it all. She had like a bunch of property and horses and all this stuff. And I remember like, I mean, he was salty as fuck when he came back to. He didn't come back in a nice way. He's mad at me. Mad of me for catching him.

Imagine coming back, man. And you know what was fucked up, but she's apologized to many sense. It's like my mom was mad at me. Like after the divorce, like when he did finally leave, she was like a couple times in anger. You know, she was like, you know, this is your fault. Really? Because I outed him. you know what I mean?

Well, what's your fault, though? So the last thing that happened, the last thing that happened was we're like sitting out. I remember like, my mom was gone. We got a bucket of KFC,

dude. We got the colonel, which was a treat back in the day. You got the colonel came to town. Somebody, somebody wanted to scratch off or something. A whole fucking, yeah.

A whole bucket, dude. Somebody wanted to scratch her. I didn't just show up at your fucking house. So we're sitting there and like my brother, my middle brother's lipping off about something. So if I'm 19, He's probably 14.

Youngest brother's probably around 10, 9. And, man, my dad just, like, came up off the table. And my brother was, he's 14. He's probably, you know, he's back talking a little bit. Probably feeling a little emboldened. Because my middle brother was weird, dude. He would do stuff like, you know, side note. Like, he was like a pathological liar.

He would, like, get up. Knowing our dad would beat our ass, you know what I mean? Like, he'd get up and look out the window and be like, There's a car in the driveway, a green car. And he'd go out there, there's nothing in the driveway. And he was just like, he got to the point that any attention was good attention. And my dad would be like, what are you saying that for? And he's like, who was?

It was, I swear. And he's like, you do that again. I'm going to beat your ass. 20 minutes later. He'd be like, that car's back out there again. And he gets ass beat. Really? Yeah, but then he would lie.

Like, when he actually did shit, like, he'd throw a screwdriver at my little brother, bust the light socket. I blew it back together. Four months later, my dad flips a switch. it comes apart. He's like, who did it? You know, we're all sitting in. He'd line us up and be like, if you don't tell me who did it, I'm going to beat all three.

No. Play that game, you know? And I'm just like, sitting there. And I'm like, my middle brother's like, just, I'm like, come on, brother. I tried to save you, but now I was man up. You did it. And I wasn't smart enough back then because he'd be like, you got a five-minute timer and it tick down, dude.

And we'd get down to like last 30 seconds. And I see my baby brother over there. He just, no one's going to get to say. And I'd just be like, I did it, I did it. And then he'd be like, you piece of shit, you're going to let your little brother. He wasn't smart enough to figure out the game that was being played. That wasn't even you. Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm taking one for the team, dumbass. And instead of you respecting me for it, you beat me harder, you know, because he was just too stupid to realize, like the game being played within the room where I'm like, come on, man, like, just you did it. We all got to take our licks here, you know. So anyway. And then a side note also, the one time I saw my dad scared, my little brother had night terrors, my middle brother. Where he'd like wake up in the middle of a year. See somebody have this shit? My daughter had him early on.

Freak you out? Oh, did it freak me out, dude? She'd look right through you, just crying and screaming like when she was like four. And when I talked to the doctor, she said you ended up doing the right thing because I would just gently hold her shoulders and I would just keep yelling her name. and I mean, it's just through you. Oh, they're ice cold, dude. Then you see him snap out of it. You physically see the change and I'm like, holy shit.

Yeah. They're exhausted. My brother, he grew out of it, thankfully, but he would like, dude, he'd wake up. Would he walk, though? Oh, yeah. See, she didn't do that. She would, like, just stay in her bed. Sit up in her bed and I'd hear it and I'd go to her room and look and she's just sitting there like a possessed little child.

Yeah, apparently, the only thing is scared about dad was like the paranormal, I think, because, like, Like, you don't remember, like, this big dude, man. He never, never showed fear. And I remember my brother, my brother would wake up in the night and be like, yeah, ah, there's a man in the corner. Oh, man in my neighborhood. Oh, you would say that shit. Stop saying it.

Stop saying. You know how to deal with it, dog. Stop saying it. And like, I remember we. Terrified. Which is, I love because I was like, oh, there's a crack. the armor, dude. I see it. That's what I'm saying. Now we gotta leave in. I see your cowardice. I see where it is. Are you fucking with them? Like doing ghosty shit around the house?

I should have, dude. I should have just been like... Oh, fuck. So, I remember one night my brother got up. My dude, he freaked me out too, man. I got woke up one. You remember those big Tonka dump trucks that were made out of metal? Yes. I've been looking for one on eBay. Like those things where they'd get sharp and they were heavy. And I just like woke up out of a dead sleep one night. my brother's just dead-eyed over my bed with this thing above his head going. Oh, no, dude. Like he was going to smash me with it. Her laughing at her.

He's going to smash me with it. And I go, hey. And he goes, you know, if you know somebody with nightmares, dude, they are not looking at you. My daughter never did anything. No, they're not. But the eyes. But she would just sit up and just scream and cry. Like there was a demon over there.

Yes. And the eyes were. They're not even with us. I was like, are you a Marine sniper? because you're looking out into the middle distance with a regret. Yeah. And so anyway, side note on that, like, he got up one night. And I remember my dad, because I was the oldest, every once in a while,

he let me stay up and watch the Three Stooges because it would be on, like, the little local St. Louis channel, like 1030 at night. And we were watching, like, you know, wibu, bo, bo, blah. You know, that's crazy. And then my brother just comes in there with this teddy bear. And he's, like, all dead eye. And he's just walking up to my dad's slow. And he's like, what are you doing?

With the teddy bear is. Yeah, and he's like, I saw my dad as like little recliner. You know, dad's chair that no one can sit in. He's like, and he's like, and he's closer he got. I'm like, this is his child, man. You're scared out. This motherfucker is scary. He's a kid.

It's a kid. With a teddy bear. With a teddy bear. With a teddy bear. With a teddy bear. My brother held up his teddy bear and goes, this is not your lucky day. And dude Bro, straight out

Oh, shit It freaked me out I believe it It's sad What are you saying that for? You know It's all you can ever say Stop saying that

Or what are you saying that for And like He had no Dude had no emotional intelligence Things are like Not what's wrong Are you okay Stop saying that

Hey buddy waking up Like he didn't do any The good dad stuff you do It was all about him. It was all about how it was affecting him. And I loved it because I was like, God, I was like,

I'll always be grateful. Oh, me too. I would love that. I would have loved him. Because he's such a prick that I was like, I'm glad that someone in this house is able to make you uncomfortable. Yeah. And not in a way where they're trying to, you know,

beat their chest and take you one-on-one. It's a psychological, fucking. He sent the devil for you. They sent the devil for you, Dennis. And like, part of me thinks he thought, he had it coming. You know what I mean?

Yeah, he's like, eventually he knew he... It might be his worst nightmare. Yeah, I'm like, that's what you got, Damien's coming to get you. Oh, fuck, dude. That is so fucking fun.

He had had this relationship with my brother. We're sitting at the table. We're eating KFC. And he just comes on glued, man. He just starts choking him. He, like, knocks my brother out of the chair and he's just choking him. I thought you meant he's choking his own son,

your brother. This is like, fast forward back to the KFC cheating dinner. And then like, you know, know why was anything said slipping off you know he's just oh he was just back talking but not bad I mean nothing any teenage kid doesn't try but he's got a lot of anger in him he's been busted anger he's busted his regular pussy's not on the regular his regular his side piece is gone his horse farms at risk he's thinking about that teddy bear in his face he's probably been thinking about that for the last 10 years of his life no doubt that's in there yeah dude it's in there he's like I'm

gonna choke the ghost out of you And he just started he started choking my brother, man. And I just like, it's, you know, you have those moments in movies and stuff where you see them and you don't think the real where you're just like, I just had enough. And like, I kind of had like a disassociative moment. And I was just like, I was on his ass, dude. And I just like jumped on and went for the triangle. Because I was like, he's still big enough. I don't think I could take him.

So I was just like, trying to choke him. I'm holding on and like he stood up, man, and we put. You're on his back. He stood up. He's a big motherfuckerucker though. Big dude. I'm off the ground at this point. That's Andre the giant.

Legs wrapped around him and choking the shit out of him. And he's fucking punching me over his shoulder. And it's on, dude. And my youngest brother's like, yeah. It's fucking pandemonium, dude. It's a Resslemania 5 in the house. Dude, it's the one they did outside where Hogan's sland.

Was that Detroit? Bro. I don't even know, dude. Shit was getting crazy. At this point, we had upgraded to a double-wide modular home, which was a nice way to say double-wide trailer. And we're putting holes in the wall, dude. It was like from a movie.

And are you holding on? Because you know if he gets, if he, if I, fuck, you're dead. If I'm dead. If I let go. If he gets out of this triangle, I am dead. I'm a dead man. It's a fight for, dude. Like, I was hearing like, in the burning heart.

Just a bump tubus. You're running up the hills. There's a foot and twos and unquenchal the fias. I was hearing all the whole Rocky Four soundtrack was in my fucking head. That's how long he was up. Yeah, like that Vince dekola was like, da-p-pah-pah-pah. Oh, my God.

Pa-pah-pah-pah-pah. I'm just like, yeah, dude, as far as I can serve, this is, I'm never letting go. And, dude, it was like, I felt bad because, like, you know, those modular homes of the walls are all fucking hollow. because it's all just like little not even drywall it's like that little

paneling over the studs ceiling paneling yeah yeah yeah dude he's doing the full boom back in the walls I'm like we're through the wall are you like 19

and I'm playing college football playing college football choking the fuck out of this dude and the mailman's fucking the mailman let me tell you something dude I had a special delivery for the mailman And I go, guess what's not getting delivered today?

Oxygen. Oxygen is not on the delivery list today, mail, man. And he's so strong, he's so big and strong, dude. He's just fucking, boom, puts me through one wall. And is your other brother at this point trying to get, intervene and help at all? He's Deering headlights. You know, he's coming up, and he's, like, standing there like, what the youngest brother crying? No one else's mom's not home.

Thank God. Through a wall, other wall, gone. Boom, we're taking that. We're taking out an exterior wall. Like, we're just putting, like, big raf ass and backsized holes, like, just crunching the walls. She's getting knocked over, and then he starts to, he's losing his air. He's starting to lose his straight. Okay.

All right, good. And, dude, it was almost like, I was waiting for that. One knee. Give me a knee. Just down to do a knee. And I'm just like, knock out your ass now. And once he was down on the knee, I'm like, not so tall now, motherfucker. And, dude, I'm just blacked out because I'm like, if I let go, it's over.

Like, I had no exit strategy other than to let go and run. And I remember, like, he went out. He did. Yeah, he went out. This is like Andre the Giant getting slammed right here. And then, you know. You took him all the way to the ground. He just, you felt him go limp enough.

Well, yeah. And then it was like, he was kind of out of it. And like we. And do you, what do you do? You run the fuck out of there or you sit there. Well, then it's like... I mean, that took... I know damn well, that took almost all your fucking energy.

It took it all. Everything. Well, then adrenaline's like going. And then I'm like, well, fuck, is he okay? You know, then you're like, oh, shit. I'm about to be on dateline. Like, but he, you know, I could see that he was like, just kind of dazed. So we just like kind of walked him to the bat, took him in the bath there.

He was kind of like out of it. And then just like, turn the shower on. because I was like worry you know and I was like I just told him get out man he's gonna go to fuck off I just choked him retarded I just choked him

pretty much dude I go dude I just I just choked dad autistic like I don't know he's gonna wake up and really love trains he's never he don't even know

he can't do his child make me happy I'm like I just simple jacked dad and uh yeah dude dad just dad just

you just got simple jacked in the living room. But you also like, all right. When he comes to, he's going to be wet, cold and pissed. That's exactly what I thought. I was just like, guys get out of here and I'll deal with the aftermath. Because I thought, well, now it maybe he'll be, I'm like, he's going to come up and he's going to want to do it again. And then this time it's just on at this point adrenaline. But the opposite thing happened.

Like turned, I think it was the first time that, you know, I think he was stunned. by what had happened to him. And like the turned water on, cold water, he popped up and just like blink. And then he's just like his eyes got a little misty, almost like they were, he was tearing up. And I was crying, of course, because it's your dad, dude. It's a fucking emotionally charged. Yeah. And you got so much adrenaline coursing through you that your body didn't end out of process, all of it.

Years and years of abuse. Also, hey, anger. We just took the fucking giant down. Yeah, and I attacked from behind. I'm going to be honest with you. It was a sneak attack. Whatever. That's how you're supposed to fucking get a guy like that.

And you know what was just like... Do you think he got emotional because he lost? I don't know. You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe, dude. There's part of me that's like, yeah, maybe. I'm losing my touch. God damn it.

I'm no longer Bjorn, king of Vikings. Yeah. I'm just a regular man who must walk amongst the poor souls whose asses I have beaten. You know, I don't know. I don't know if it was like all of the reality of his whole life came crashing down or if it scared him because he was out of it. Or if shame, I hope it was shame. I was going to say you go from choking your own child to being choked out by another one of your kids. You should be ashamed.

That's instant karma. You should be ashamed. Yeah, yeah. And you had it come in a long time. And I think there's part of him that knew. Bullying. I'm like, you're a bully. You're a bully.

Because, you know, I remember he made me go fight a bully that like, you know, and anyway, he popped up. And then he just, he's just like kind of starting to cry. And he just pushed past me and walked out of the house, got in his car and left. He never came back. All wet and shit. Wet. Just left wet and short on oxygen.

And here, yeah. And a little pissed off. Yeah. And then he stayed gone. And then, you know, he ended up, like, divorcing and marrying that girl and stuff, marrying that woman. But I was grown. And I, from my brothers. Is he still with that lady?

Yeah, he's still with her. It's been 20 years. And he's still in the area? Like, does your mom run into him? You know what I mean? He lives a couple towns over. They don't really talk. Only my middle brother really sees him.

And it's kind of one of those things. Like, I forgave him because I think my, that led to other problems in my life later on, you know, with booze and stuff. I've been sober almost 15 years. Good for you. But a lot of that was like daddy issue shit, I'm sure, that I was holding on to processing or whatever. And I came to the realization, like, that he, um, his dad wasn't, his dad was like a fucking hobo. My grandpa basically, like, rode to trains and, like, never had a job and, like, would make extra money, like, breeding coondogs and shit. Like, it was Appalachia situation.

And, like, he was the oldest. I often think about it as a retirement plan. Yes. What? breeding dogs. Just hoboing. Just hoboing. Just getting me a stick with a bandana full of shit tied up.

We've all trained. Hoping trains. Just where are we going today? Yeah. You could do that, man. It was a, I came to the realization, like, you know, he was the oldest of seven kids in his family. He went in the army. He kind of provided for, it was crazy because we were kind of filling the same role in our families.

And he wasn't smart enough to see that he was doing to me what was done to him. Where, like, he was. Because all his brothers and sisters love them. They look up to him still. It's still a point of contention with a couple of aunts and uncles that they're like, you should talk to your dad. And I'm like, no. So you are still close with other families?

I still talk to like my uncles and stuff like that. Two of them died, but one of his brothers are still alive. And it's like they, but I'm like, you weren't, you didn't live with him. You have your memories. You're entitled to your memories of him, but I'm also entitled to mine. And mine aren't as bright and shiny as yours. He ain't. hero in my eyes it is to you and I'm not trying to take that away from you but don't try to put

that on me either because you motherfuckers could have stepped in too that's right like you knew him you guys knew it was going on it wasn't a secret that we were getting because I'm not my uncle's time you know we didn't approve the way he you know was hard on you boys but the man's house is his castle you know it's that shit and I'm like if that's your brother man like I got brothers I would I would check my brother if I saw him treating his kids like that so Um, it was kind of like, I realized that his dad didn't equip him with the tools required. He just wasn't equipped with the tools for parenthood. He just didn't have them.

And I was like, man, as much as it sucks, that might have been the best he could have done, the best he could do. And you get to a point where I'm like, I forgive you because I need the forgiveness for me. I gave the forgiveness it would never be asked for because he would never. I did like the artist's way book. I'm sure a lot of comedians have done that. And one of the things you have to do in that book is write an apology that you deserve that's never coming. Ever.

And it was highly charged emotionally to write that letter to myself, to my younger self that I knew wouldn't come. And like I forgave him. Well, can I just say this too? you're also forgiving yourself. What I've learned through therapy, too, is you can't forgive someone who's not asking for forgiveness.

Right. So when you're doing an exercise like that, you're forgiving yourself because that person's never going to come to you and be like, hey, Rafe, my bad. Right, right, right. You know? Yeah.

Let me ask you this. But the thing that's weird about it, on top of that, and just maybe what you're going to ask is like, because then people are like, well, why I forgive him, but I don't want to hang out with him. Nope. I'm full on support of that.

He still live and be well, way the fuck over there, far the fuck away from him. Yeah. I saw it like before my other uncle died. Yeah. I go, good, good, good luck to you. I forgive you. That's right. Fuck you.

All his windows are closed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and it's like one of his brothers before he passed away. I went and saw him and we were hanging out. And he's like, oh, man. And this is my uncle, like, lived in his shed, dog. Like, he was, like, living in the back country of Missouri, like, in a shed that he'd run electricity to. Like, he was living, like, you know what I'm saying?

He was living in Appalachian life. And he's like, hey, I'm worried about your dad, man. And I go, oh, yeah, why? And, you know, this guy's, like, my uncle's dying of cancer. And he's like, ah, just went to see him. And he's angry. And he's getting all these, like, he's really getting online. He just got on the Internet and kind of got into these, like.

Q and on and da-da-da and all this stuff. And, like, my other uncle's like, yeah, went to your dad's house and he had a whole bunch of guns and a Confederate flag up in his front yard. And I go, in his yard, on the flag pole. Not in the flag pole. He put in a pole. He put in the pole to fly the flag.

Not the American flag. I was going to say, are there two flags up there? They didn't mention the second flag. I didn't go see. And that's when I, and then it was crazy. And then they're like, that is crazy. You should go see him. I go, what about what you just described?

Yeah. Sounds like someone that I would want to hang out with, that I would want to have a relationship with. And I'm like, I forgive him for his lack. Because, you know, it's that old Tony Robbins, it's hokey. But he's like, you know, if you're going to hate him for the bad, you got to love him for the good because they made you who you are. So like, I came to grips with all that. And I'm cool with that. But we don't need to kick it.

We don't. Yeah. We're not homies. You know, I wish, whatever. I hope that at some point in his life, he finds some kind of peace or whatever, but it ain't going to be with me. If, let's wrap up on this because we've got to get you out of here soon. He's dying. Yeah.

I've thought about this a lot. And there is time. Not he drops dead of a heart attack or, you know what I mean? You get a call, Dad's Dead. If you get a call, it's like, Dad doesn't have long. Yeah. Are you going? And what if he does say, I'd like to speak to you?

I've actually thought about this a lot because, you know, because you're a good person and a human being. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm always like, man, he's getting up there. I mean, I'm getting my 47. So it's getting to that age where, you know, I'm just saying, like, your parents are getting older. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for him.

He's what is he, in the 70s, 80s? Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm watching my mom get older and stuff. Watching your parents get older and become old people is a weird transition because you know, you're on deck. That's what I told my brother's like. It used to be the aunts and cousins. I was like, you guys know we're on deck now.

It's us. It's our turn. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm just trying to fight it as long as I can. So get me on whatever. NAD plus, TRT.

What do you got? Put it in me. Keep that from happening to me. But I've thought about this a lot, man. And I don't. Because I've talked to my brother about it. And I was like, well,

you know, he's like, I'll never speak to him. My younger brother, man, Like he was 10 and gave him some real abandonment issues. And he's my younger brother's real, when I'm done, I'm done. I have a little bit more empathy in general where I'm like, yeah, man, if that happened, I would probably give, I'd give him that as a gift, whether I wanted it or not.

I think that I would, I don't know for sure. Let me, let me do it this way then. What if your brother say, hey, we would like you to come to this? Of course. Would you do it for them? Go do that? 100% would, but I think I would have to be, I don't think they would go without me. I think I would have to, it would probably be the other way around of me being like, hey, man, this might suck, but it also might be something that we regret if we don't go.

I don't know what he's got to say. We may kick ourselves for going, because it might just be like, you abandon me, you piece of you. Yeah, you might get that. For real, he might. He might just keep holding it into that. Number two. Going to the light. Going to the light.

Everybody, get in. Boys, get in all three of us. Get him to the light. So I don't know. It's hard because, you know, in a comedic sense, like, of course, it's funny. But from a realistic standpoint, excuse me, it's like, I don't know what's next. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife and all that stuff. I'm pretty agnostic.

I'm pretty open to, I think it's okay to say you don't know. I like to think that there's something, but I'm just like, dude, I don't know what you have to answer for on the other side of this. So I at least owe you this. If it gives you a little comfort on the way out, I can take it on the chin one last time for you, even though I know I don't deserve it. If that makes sense. It does.

So I mean, I'm like, this is the last time I'd take one for the team. Yeah. But I would probably do it, I think. Let's close on this. Advice you're given to 16-year-old rife. Oh, well, 16-year-old me. You know, I got to a point, we didn't get into any of that today, but, you know, when I was drinking and stuff. Like, that was, like, a thing that, like, 13 and 16-year-old me was a real stand-up dude.

and I became a person later in life when I was drinking and not dealing with my shit that I was like, oh, what would 13 year old you say if he saw you right now? Like, what would he actually say to you? And what the fuck are you doing, dude? Like, you're, first of all, you're fat as hell. What that? What's going on? What in the fuck? Like, we're a very fit and trim from writing our BMX all around town.

What have you been eating? Apparently, you've gotten to the gun safe. The guns. You got all dad's little devies. You fat piece of shit. Shit, cut it out. I think I would tell what I would tell my 16-year-old self because I have regrets about this, you know, because I was dealing with bullies all the time.

I just had a problem with authority because I got so much of it at home, I wouldn't tolerate it anywhere else. The teachers, anybody tried to guide me. I'm like, I'll get enough of that at home. I've had all the guidance I need, the leather guidance. You know, and I remember one time, just like a side note. Like my, I stood up to like my grade school bully or some kid that got held back. Clayton Wyatt was his name.

Bleep that out. But actually, fuck him. I'll fight him to this day. You know, I stood up to him. He was picking on my buddy Paul. So I had that, I have like a protector thing, man. And it's a bad characteristic sometimes because I'll stick with people too long. I'm very loyal.

And I feel like this need to protect everybody. It's like kind of my, that's my trauma. It's like if you're, if you're my friend and I love you, I'll fight for you in rooms you're not in. I will stick up for you if I feel like someone's being unfair to you. And sometimes I can sometimes it's none of my business and I could chill on that shit. But I remember like I stood up to the bully, punched him in the nose. And then the after school special is like, now he knows what it feels like.

And now he's going to be better. But in real life, he hides behind the bus door. And he hits you in the face with a speaking spell because that's what happened. It fucked me up, man. Oh, bro, I hit him, and I was like, and then I noticed the whole day he was quiet. He wasn't disruptive. I go, I'll be down. After school specials are for real, dude.

Clayton is like, you know, getting hit really woke me up to the fact that I'm an asshole. Violence isn't the answer, and I'm an asshole. And instead, no, he was back there, like writing a manifesto, dude. And I remember he hid. And we couldn't afford it. It was like an expensive toy bag. You don't know what speaking spell was. We got one out there, I think.

You do? It's like a little, you type in like, Spell, you know, spell coat, C-O-A-T, you are correct. And it was a cool toy and we couldn't afford it. And I remember like he smoked me with this thing, man, getting off the bus. And I was out, knocked out, broke my nose. Damn. His mom was like this big German broad because his dad was in the Air Force and he married

this big frulein. So my mom was picking me up at the bus stop, pulls him off of me. Now this fron line sees my mom grab her kid. She beats my mom's ass. Oh, dude. Just got pizza. So we're O and two as a family, bro. The family's getting.

Family's getting fucking work at the post. And at the post office. It all comes full circle because we all caught the bus at the post office in the center of town. So now I wake up. I'm in the dirt. I'm in the dirt. Her hair's all fucked up. This lady must have just rolled her around in the dirt.

She's all fucked up. We go home and now it's like, we got to tell your dad what happened. And she knew because you're in a. extension to him. So now we lost the fight. That's an embarrassment to him, right? At his job. Yeah, well, yeah, it wasn't the one he worked at. But yeah, it was. All right. It's not the same one. But it's still. But it's word's going to get back. It's a, it's a, it's an outpost of his military service. His company. So we go home. And I remember like, she had to go and she's like, I'm going to try and smooth things over with him. You play in the yard. So now I'm at the yard. The bully starts riding his bike past my house. And like, if you told me I couldn't get out of the yard as a kid, I would listen. I was like an invisible boundary.

So he's riding up on the sidewalk, like giving me the finger and just like, ah, I fucked you up. And I was like so, because I remember like this was the maddest I got as a kid. And I was just like this motherfucker. And there was like this branch that had fallen off a tree in our yard. And it was spear sized. And I just went full Shaka Zulu, dude, just like fucking ran up to the sidewalk boundary as he's riding his bike. I threw that fucking stick, dude. And you could give me a million tries, a million opportunities.

And this was a one in a million shot. The sticks, like, and it goes right through the front spokes of his bike. And full stop, full speed. He goes over the handlebars, bullies now, face full of gravel. Now I got him twice in one day. And I'm like, oh, shit. But he pops up. And again, like, he pops up.

and he starts sharpening the stick. He's bleeding, and he's just like putting it on the road. What's his last day, Vories? Yeah, dude. So now he's chasing me around my own house with a sharpened stick that I threw at him. I had the weapon and threw it away like a dip shit. Wait. And he stabs me in the shoulder with this stick and he runs away, dude.

My nose is all fucked up. My shoulders off. My mom's already done triage once on my nose. So let's circle this back to the advice you're given. I'm about to. 16. I'm coming with it. All right.

So I go in the house and I see my mom sitting on the bed and she's crying and I can tell something has happened to her. While I was outside fighting my bully, she was inside fighting hers. And then I realized as a family, we're 0 and 4. I go, man, we're getting fucking work today, dude. Oh and 4 as a fam. I'm bleeding out of shoulder. My nose is fucking broken. She takes me in the bathroom and it's like she sneaks me in the bathroom and now she's doing triage on my shoulder and you know she's like sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

I'm sitting on the toilet crying and she's cleaning me up. And you know, she's like, you know, here's the thing about bullies that you got to know is that they don't learn lessons. In real life, they don't learn lessons. Sometimes all you can do is survive it. And surviving it is good enough. they don't always get what's coming to them and they don't always get what's they don't always get the revenge that or the justice that the universe should dole out for people but the thing that you have to learn is sometimes the best thing you can do

is just survive being bullied and move on with their life and that's I mean it's like a poignant moment great advice yeah and I think it's I think I think I lost that lesson. And I think at 16, I would have told that kid be like, hey, man, because I think a lot of the bullshit in my life came from like unprocessed trauma, you know, from that shit. And I would just tell 16 year old me, like, remember what Jackie told you because it's true. Like, you don't, you, sometimes you just survive it and move on with your life. Because for a long time, I think I got hung up in the moment. And I felt like I wanted justice. I became like, what are you rebelling against? What do you got? Why are you doing this? Because I can. This whole world's bullshit.

Money's not real. You know, and it was like, I was just like, I was tearing myself down to prove a point to prove that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. I was eating the food I wanted because I could. I was drinking the booze because I could. I was living my life. I became reliably unreliable in drinking and shit like that. And like it got away from me because I was trying to prove a point.

point to who you know i was destroying myself and becoming of the worst version of myself to prove a point to someone who didn't give a fuck about me that's right and i think at 16 i would have just reinforced jacky's lesson and been like hey man this shit's real move on from it you're a good dude be always be someone be the guy you are right now at 16 and just be stick up for people along the way because like sometimes you know i didn't do that as a kid i didn't stick up for the downtrod and always at school you got to pick your battles there's always kids getting picked on and i would try but i was like i think you know the lesson you can glean from all that shit is like surviving it is the only badge of honor you need and you don't have to carry that shit with you the rest of life like and my best

friend told me that you know he's like he watched some movie with robert de nero i think the mission or something where he's like climbing a mountain and he's got he's a knight he's got all this armor and he's barely making it up the mountain. And he's like, you remind me of that dude because he's like, at some point in the movie, he like cuts the rope and all the armor falls off the mountain and he can get to the top.

And he's like, you got to drop the dead weight, drop the armor. And, you know, at that time, I didn't start comedy until I was 33. I was drinking my life away. And that same friend came to me and said,

you know, uh, he goes, dude, the thing I hate about you, man, that I'm mad at you for is I think he could be the funniest guy in the world. and you're going to settle for being the funniest guy in the bar.

And that makes me sad for you because it's wasted potential. And you know, when you're in the middle of drinking and shit, you're like, fuck you, dude, you don't know me, man. And it's like, but that really resonated with me. And like, that all comes from that same piece of advice, which is just survive it and move on. Like, don't carry that shit around with you. Don't carry the weight. Try not to carry the weight because I see so many people, people I love, man.

I just can't get over the hump, dude. They're carrying this, like, pain. around like a bag of bricks and they can't set it down. And I just, I wish everyone could just set it down and we could all, because we're all fucked up. Everybody's got something, man. Bro.

You know, and we could probably put yours on the table and I look at yours and be like, I'll keep it. Yeah. That's the old saying. We talk about that all the time. People stand in a circle. If we all put our problems in the middle,

you look around, you go, I'm going to take my shit right now. Yeah, exactly. Thank you for doing this. Promote one more time right there. All right. Follow me at I am Rafe Williams. That's I.

A.M. R-A-F-E-W-I-L-I-A-M-S, because I know you're going to spell it wrong. It happens to me, have shows, having a weird name sucks in comedy. Because I'll do shows. People are like, you're funny, dog. I'm going to follow you. Greg Williams. And I'm just like, there's some guy named Greg Williams that every Saturday night. He's like, man, I got like 15 or 20 people.

Every Saturday follow me. I can't figure out what's going on. And I'm like, you're welcome, dog. Congratulations, Greg. So I am Rief Williams. You can find my specials on YouTube. young grandpa. I was a grandpa at 36. My whole first hour is about that. And my don't tell specials on don't tell comedy YouTube.

And thank you for doing this. Yeah, come see a show, man. Thanks, brother. I had a good time, man. Me too, dude. As always, Ryan Sickler, on all your social media, we'll talk to y'all next week.