The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Adam Ferrara

Episode Date: July 22, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Adam Ferrara! Adam opens up about his father's death and how that triggered a whole bunch of stuff for him and his family. We talk about the worst audition he's ever had and how the best night of his life became his worst. Subscribe, download & review! Sponsors: Hurry to http://Upstart.com/HONEYDEW to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate is. Go to http://ForHims.com/HONEYDEW and get started for just $5. Get started today at http://StitchFix.com/HONEYDEW and get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box!

This episode is brought to you by Upstart, Stitch Fix, and Hems. More on that later, let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're doing it over here at Studio Gene's at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. Minneapolis coming your way here in a couple of weeks.

August 1st through the 3rd, I'm at the House of Comedy in Minnesota. Then back home in Baltimore at the Famous again September 14th. Get your tickets on ryansickler.com. Everything's available for you there. And i just want to say thank you every week i say thank you to you i mean it i get all the messages i get everything and i see you out there building the fan base i see you subscribing to your mom's house youtube channel make sure you're doing that uh but as far as the show goes look everything's at the honeydewpodcast.com you can get your merch there uh sign up for the email list there all of it's there just go there and um um what else i want to say up here well so i still have to read i didn't i did 90 of that

without looking at that motherfucking thing uh i really did i'm proud of myself over here uh if you're new to the show now cover the good eye and do it again yeah i gotta do this is my I really did. I'm proud of myself over here. I'm proud of myself. If you're new to the show. Now cover the good eye and do it again. Yeah, I got to do this. This is my reader right here. If you're new to the show, as I always like to say, what we do over here is highlight the low lights. All right?

We try to find a little bit of that light in the darkness and have a good time with it. These are the stories behind the storytellers. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to have my guest here today. Please welcome Adam Ferreira. Thank you. Thank you for being here, brother. Look at that.

Clap from the booth, brother. Clap from the booth. Booth clap. It's a booth clap, my man. Thank you, Mr. Wilkes. Put the gun down. Well, I appreciate you being here. Nice to be here, baby.

And please, before we begin, I know you want to plug some things. Get it all out of the way. Oh, my plugs? Yeah, at the top. We're doing it right up front. Yeah, we're comedian friendly here. We're here to support the comedian. That's so kind of you.

Yeah. You're like a compassionate hooker. Look, we're going to have fun, but money first. That's right. Money on the table. I'm on a new show on CBS All Access called Why Women Kill with Lucy Liu. It's created by Mark Cherry, the guy at the Des the desperate housewives uh and that's coming out in august i don't think i'll drop all the episodes but that's when it comes out on cbs all access um i have a podcast myself coming out uh you know because i'm

on the cutting edge yeah 2020 2020 no it's pretty much all right it's gonna be coming out uh july 23rd of this month it's called 30 minutes you'll never get back you can get it wherever you get your podcast. I'm pretty proud of it. I hope it finds a life. And I thank you for having me on to help me play that stuff. Yeah, of course, dude. I appreciate you guys reaching out. I was stoked.

Yeah, it was fun. I always ask everybody to send something ahead of time. And of course you did. And you have some really interesting stuff on there. But before we get into our traumas and whatnot, why don't you tell us a little bit about where you're from, your upbringing, your background, get to know you. I was born in Queens, raised on Long Island by loving parents. So your parents were together. They were together, yeah. My father was a plumber. My grandfather was

a plumber. My uncle was a plumber. My uncle was a plumber. My father, they were all plumbers. So I was living above the plumbing store when I was a baby. And the neighborhood was changing in Queens. It was Jamaica, Queens. And my father was packing up his places. We're getting out of here. Goddamn steel drums everywhere, brother.

We got to go. We're getting out of here. It's just Jamaica, Queens. And it's turning, you know, I don't know. We're packing up the stuff. So we left. We went out to Long Island, and I was raised on Long Island, but I still. Do you have brothers and sisters? I do.

I got two brothers. They're both chefs on Long Island, and I came from pretty working class, you know, blue collar. But I never really fit in, you know. It's like my parents, they loved me. I was loved. I was cared for, but they didn't know what to make of me. You're the baby, you said? I'm the oldest.

Oh, you're the oldest. I'm the first one. Yeah. So, you know, they love me. They even said like, look, we love you, but fuck. What the fuck happened to you? Let's read the books. You know, so it's like, but the support I got from my family was incredible.

But the fact that I didn't fit in really messed with me because I was trying to fit in. You're talking about within your own family. My own family. Yeah. Yeah. But there was always that hidden kind of... See, my dad was my hero and still is to this day, but there's a healthy hero and there's

an abdication of power to the hero that I had to get through. And that really started when he passed away. But the fact that I couldn't be like everybody else in the family was odd. And then you go to school and you get bullied. You're like, well, there's no peace here either. At what age do you realize does it hit you like

plumbing's in the family and I'm different from this group? Oh, when I was trying to do something. How old would you say? I'm going to say. Elementary school? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say 12, 13 at puberty, kind of, in that years.

But I was trying. My father's really good with his hands. He could fix anything and make anything. And I don't have, Ryan, I don't have that if-then go-to statement, especially when it comes to cars. I love cars. I mean, I can gap a spark plug. I can change the oil. Yeah, that's all I can do. I'm basic. Rotate tires, brakes, it comes to cars. I love cars. I mean, I can gap a spark plug. I can change the oil.

Yeah, that's what I can do. I'm basic. Rotate tires, brakes, oil, tune up. You know, I can slap a solenoid to get the starter to go. But now it's all a computer. I'm like, call the guy. Call, I can't reflash this hard drive. It's so good to hear you say that because I know you're a car guy.

I feel like a bitch when I pop a hood down. I'm like, what the fuck is this? This is the first thing I took my hood off. Someone stole a carburetor. There should be a carburetor right here. Yeah, right? There's a plastic box with a carburetor. How do you call the cops?

Nothing makes me feel like a bigger pussy these days than popping a hood being like, I don't know. I have no idea. There could be a man under there. You don't know. Is this true? under there let you don't know that we would and i got i got an old buick i have an old 70 deuce and a quarter because i know what that one yeah you can work on i know where everything is right the other mercedes i gotta drive with the wife something goes wrong what happened god wants it god wants god needs a car i can't check the transmission fluid the guy said

there's 21 computers on this car i was like what the yeah you got a battery for my mercedes is behind the back seat i couldn't fucking find it forget jumping the car i don't know where it is is that really you need is? I think so. I think I do. I'll jump you. I go, we got to solve one problem first. Yeah, for real. That makes me feel so good.

I had a car that I just did. I did all the maintenance on it. I would say all the time. It was a 1990 Honda Civic with original rims. And I did all the basic maintenance on that thing. You're so white. Original rims? Yeah, I kept the original rims yeah i kept the original

rims on that bro well they were scratched up from the junkyard but i kept them but uh it was all oil changes tune up spark plugs brakes rotate the tires and then i feel like the car right after that i did hold on to that for a long time the car after that i was like i can't work on this fucking car no i can't i never really could see, also, the age of our fathers of being men and working with their hands and knowing how to do things or learning how to do things is dying quickly. Having the patience to

do it. Yeah. But that was when I realized that I wasn't, see, figure you're 12, you're 13 years old, and I was trying to work on the car. My dad, like I said, could fix anything. So I'm sitting there and I'm trying, right? I'm focused. I'm trying. And there's oil spilling, there's blood spurting, wrenches falling. It's not going well. My father's in the doorway smoking a Lucky and I can

feel him. I'm trying. I know he's watching me and I'm nervous. I want to do well. Took a long drag off his cigarette. He came over, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, son, you're going to have to get a job and you're're gonna have to work at something for the rest of your life this ain't it this is not it this is not it i uh and you're crushed because you can't be like your dad yeah my brother was out there working on a car one time and he wanted to do the oil my dad's like go ahead it was an older station wagon, Dodge Aspen station wagon, this old Mopar Beast. Let it die. And he just fills it up.

And my dad's like, you put, what, four quarts in there? He's like, yeah. He's like, show me where you did it. Yeah, he put it down the dipstick. Yeah. He's like, you just fucked this whole car. Yeah, all right. You just fucked this whole car. That's all right. You just fucked this whole car.

That's great. You mean it doesn't run on mop and glow? We can't put dish detergent? He put four quarts down the motherfucker. He knew it right away. He's like, yeah. Oh, shit. But yeah, so that not being able to be like my dad at a young age was devastating.

So you don't fit at home, and then you go to school, and if you get bullied, which I was, you don't fit there. What were they bullying you for? What were they going after you? It was basically just the older kids on the bus, because there's older kids. That's it. That's it.

It's your turn in the barrel. You don't really know what you did um you just know uh-oh the pack's turning on me and i think that's where i got that's where humor became a defense mechanism so i couldn't i couldn't physically beat him but i but i could outthink him and i could take the energy that was coming. I wasn't aware I was doing this. You know, we're not aware. No. We just know we can do it. And it was okay.

You can hit me all you want. You know, this bruise is going to heal. You're still going to be dumb. Yeah. You're just going to be a dumb, heartless motherfucker tomorrow. You know, this will go away. So I could defend myself verbally. And that's where I kind of found a little bit of peace.

But, you know, the other side of that, you got yourself in trouble. All the time. All the time. I was in trouble a lot. So I was, you never really felt settled. Now, speaking of settled, I don't mean to interrupt, but did you stay in Long Island and grow up like there? Oh, yeah. Or did you bounce around?

No, no, yeah. That was it. So once you moved there, you were there. Yeah. Italians don't move. No, ever. They they paint they put a kitchen in the basement they paint it red and green yeah mom cooks down there because she doesn't want to get the garlic smell on the good drapes you know i love it yeah they don't move they don't italians don't want to go anywhere they columbus had to go to spain to get the. He's like, there's a new world.

Where are you going? Sit down. Have some wine. Stop. Sit down. Shut the fuck up. Oh, jeez. Where are we going?

So we were all there. I went to college. I was the first one in my family that went to college. They all went to work or jail. Really? Well, they went to work. No one really went to college. I thought went to work or jail. Really? Well, they went to work. No one really went to college. I thought I was going in the Army

when I got out of high school because that's what my dad did. He got out of high school, went into the Army. My mother had an engagement ring and a school ring on her finger. She did. That's great.

Yeah. Stacked them up like that. John Glenn High School. The school ring and the engagement ring. The yarn's great. Yeah. Stacked them up like that. John Glenn High School. The school ring and the engagement ring. The yarn underneath it. Doesn't fit. A little scotch tape. Bring this right up.

But I figured I was following that path. Because my dad went into the Army. I said, okay, that's what you do. You get married. I'm a kid. He goes, now you're going to college. I went, why? He said, because you can yeah he said you know it's my my father was there was no he was no joke

man my father told me look my job is to give you a better life than the one i had which was what what was his upbringing his he was my my grandfather was a plumber but he had no support was it all at that same shop originally in Queens? Yeah, it was my grandfather's place. My Uncle Louie was there, too. And then my father was there, too. My father wanted to do different stuff. But he was very mechanical.

He was very... My grandfather was into sci-fi. I never really knew about this. They were tinkerers. They were inventors. They had that mind. My grandfather knew when TV came out because he saw it happen. He's like, you can record that.

He knew about video recording. He knew the possibility of that happening. But my father had no support growing up. When he told my grandfather, this is a famous story of my family. He told my grandfather I was going to marry my mother.

My father went to his father and said, I'm going to marry Louise. My grandfather said, that's good. Let us know. We'll come. Yeah, we might be there. No help. No, we'll pay.

Nothing. My mother's going to bring meatballs. Yeah, we'll be there. So there was no support. My father's famous by saying, I look behind me for support. There's nobody there. It's all me. So all that fear and all that energy got put onto me.

So I'm a little twitchy. I don't know if you noticed. Yeah, I've seen it. So you get that little, ah. So that triggered control issues. So I have my control issues where I want to take care of everybody. And I'm codependent. And I'm Catholic.

That's the trifecta of fucked. We are like fucking twins from another universe, bro. Gold, silver, and bronze medals of fucked. That's us. That's us. Yeah. So I have all that stuff. So trying to find a place to land and be comfortable was totally aberrant to me.

Because there was no place. Because the energy I was around wasn't there. My father was always, you know. The glass was half empty. the shit floating in the water and it's your fault. That's the saying? Yeah. So where did you go to college? I went to Marist College in Poughkeepsie.

And is that a four year? Four year school. I was there the first year. I was in a band and I had friends I thought would last forever and then I sobered up. Were you drinking big time? Yeah, I was in a band, and I had friends I thought would last forever, and then I sobered up. Were you drinking big time? Yeah, I was looking around, and I was like, well, that guy owes me money.

That guy just wrecked his car. I'm like, I got to get out of here. And what did you major in there? I got out with a degree. I got out doing the ballerina. My grade point average was a 2.2, baby. Was it really? I've never heard that before.

A 2-2. Well, you got out there. I got out. I did it in four years. My mother was crying at my graduation. I'm so proud of you. My father's shaking his hand going, you bullshitted your way through this, didn't you? I said, hey, walks as good as a hit.

I'm on base. That's right. I got a degree in finance. Can't balance my fucking checkbook yeah i i came home to work every weekend because it was a two-hour drive from my house so the first year i had a great time i love these guys and then you're sober up and you look around you're like so i would go to school i got my schedule where i went from monday to thursday i would drive home on friday and i got a job at a fence company and i was digging holes and driving trucks and forklifts because i always worked yeah so i had money in my pocket i got in my car i drove back up to school

dicked around for four days and figured out how i can get through this in four years and that was it that was it then i got out and what ran right onto a stage you did where was your first time east side comedy club long island july 13th 1988 wednesday night open mic night yeah it's a pomodoro restaurant now is it my place i've done baltimore as a restaurant now and i just stopped back in when i did a show there last year and they didn't even know nah they didn't even know like no it wasn't i was like trust me it was this fucking place right here yeah it's here it's yeah those those things are important to us right you know these people like i don't know what the fuck you're talking about do you want something or not

i'm good yeah comedy club all right you pick a protein pick your bowl what toppings do you want you can tell me why or seaweed yeah tell me a joke on the way out um when you tell your dad that you're going to do comedy or that you want to do comedy does he say is he supportive is he does he talk to you about leaning on the degree you just got or what does he say best thing i ever heard in my life he came to see me i made the mistake of telling my mother that i was going to do it and my mother is the original twitter she everybody yeah everybody goes through all the neighborhood they all come out in the neighborhood because everyone knew i was funny and i i didn't know about his is

the other thing about being bullied and and being in schools i was never aware of my value you know they're never aware you we're just being us but apparently what we do is you know is valuable to i get emails and thank you messages on this. Yeah. You don't know what you're doing. You have no, I'm not in a bad way. I mean,

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but you have no idea how you're helping. How you're helping. And I'm like, holy shit. That's the shit that I get. I'm like, oh fuck.

You know, wow. And then, then, then I flip out. I go, well, there's a responsibility.

No, just be the best you, you can in that moment. The rest, well, it's a responsibility. No. Just be the best you you can in that moment. The rest of this shit's going to happen. Be the best you wherever you are. But knowing that. Here's the thing. I think we come to that conclusion at this point in our lives, but we're too fucking tired to do anything about it. Yeah, I'm tired. Yeah, that's it. I'm tired. Listen, I'm so glad

I can help, but I'm not bending. The knees are gone. I'll help from here. But I can't move but I'm not bending. The knees are gone. I'll have a kid. I'll help from here. But I can't move anything for you. It's like the earthquake hit the other day. I was in front of the sink. I'm like, great. Now I got fucking balance issues.

I got to deal with this shit now. Do you want to feel? And then I looked up and I saw the shanty leg. Oh, thank God. It's just an earthquake. Just an earthquake. Just a 7-1. Thank God.

I grabbed my daughter and I went old school. Andega. Oh, thank God. It's just an earthquake. Oh, it's just an earthquake. Just a 7-1. Thank God. I grabbed my daughter and I went old school and I said, just hang on. Let's just stand here for a second. But I got in her door frame and it's going. Yeah, yeah. The 7-1? Shit, yeah. She's like, my teacher said we should get under a table. And I was like, yeah, they've updated some earthquake shit since I remember.

A massive one. But it never seemed to get worse. It stayed steady. But it was a roller. It was a long roller. It was a long shit since I remember. Yeah. A massive one. Yeah. But it never seemed to get worse. It stayed steady. But it was a roller. It was a long roller. It was a long. I was like this. I was sitting there, and I looked over at my wife, and she didn't feel it yet. I'm like, all right, maybe she won't get activated.

Maybe this will be. Maybe this will end before it activates the wife. And all of a sudden, she went, uh-oh, red alert. She's up. So we went out the doorway, and she goes, then she sat to me, and she looks to me because, you know, I'm the man. Apparently we're supposed to know shit, Ryan. We're supposed to know everything.

So she goes like this. She goes, what's our plan in an earthquake? I said, take my hand. This is our plan. Ah! She's like, where's the safest place to be in the house? I go, out of it. Let's get out. Out of the fucking house. And then she's like, but now she's on, be in the house? I go, out of it. Let's get out.

Out of the fucking house. And then she's like, but now she's on, you know, Nextdoor? Oh, yeah, yeah. The busybody.com, which is pretty much what it is. Your mom's original Twitter. Yeah, it's my mom hanging out the window with a beanbag ashtray and a cigarette spying on... He's telling jokes in Long Island tonight. Yeah.

Claire's husband's cheating on her. My son's going to be at this open Michael's thing. That is for real, dude. That is for real. But she's on the next door, thebusybody.com. And so all the bullshit comes in from the neighbors. Did you do this? Did you do that?

We have to keep a tub full of water at all times. Great. We'll get mosquitoes and we'll die of malaria. I mean, what do you do? We can't keep a tub of water the whole time. So it's just, and the other thing you realize when it hits, I'm like, I realized, shit, I'm so lazy. I ate the earthquake food last month. You ate your stash?

I ate my stash because i didn't want to go to the fucking store i haven't done that yeah but you're right the one thing about being a guy that you're supposed to you would think you're supposed to be as brave and that's the one i don't want to always be i'm like we don't need to do this let's go no guys guys too high up here yeah that's another thing i've been saying it i as i'm getting older and and all the shit i'm going through and dealing with the trauma and learning how like we said you're caught up in it in these different ways that you don't even realize because you're just being you and trying to be the best you moving forward but i start to see myself like uh heights you don't

like the heights i i like being in a plane is cartoonish to me that doesn't bother right but something that's like i was in we were going up a space needle yeah that would freak me out i've been up there that freaks me out but again it's got the rail so i'm all right with that but i was on an escalator going up in the ocean casino in atlantic city and it's like four of them when i got up to that fourth one i looked looked over and I was like, holy fuck. Yeah. Dude, I sat down. I sat down on the fucking. Really? I swear to God.

I've never done that in my life. I was like, fuck this shit right here. You sat down? People were looking at me. Because of emotion. I'll be up there. It was an escalator. It's not like you climb the stairs.

You're like. No, but it's the glass on the sides. I mean, honestly, you could have just hopped right over and just killed yourself. It felt like it was 400 fucking feet up. And I was like, there should be a river down there right now. Really? That's how high up you were. I don't think you're going to have to dive. You can look over and in your eyeline is an Orange Julius.

I think you're okay. That was level 5, though, bro. Level 5 Orange Julius. What are you, out of your mind? I sat down on the fucking... That's the first and only time in my life I sat down and I'm like, I gotta go talk to somebody. What did the little guy only time in my life, I sat down on the escalator. I'm like, I got to go talk to somebody.

What did the little guy in your head do? We got a level five orange Julius. Oh, hell no. No. That guy in my head was like, sit the fuck down. Sit down and don't look at it. You know what I got? Knives.

Like if my wife does the dishes and there's a knife sitting out, like not a regular butter knife or a little steak knife, but the knives used to cut stuff. That one gets you? That gets me because i always picture my wife she's clumsy so are you not a blood fan either of my own yeah i like it kept inside i'm a fan when i don't see it when it comes out i'm like not so much you just like knowing it's in there like no it's here and sometimes when i'm real quiet i can hear it like knowing it's in there like no it's here and sometimes when i'm real quiet i can hear it doing its job but i want to keep it inside but like i always picture my wife reaching in the sink to get something cutting herself with it that's just the projection of doom and that's you know that's what you had the projection of doom for real and that's a lot i grew up that is that the term is that what it's called that's what i call it that's

a great term the projection of doom when you grow up like i did you know it's like why is this because i had to make sense of it and like i said right i had the love and support my dad when i told you my mom the whole neighborhood my dad came and i used to walk down to his office and i saw him he looked at me the next day after he saw me do stand-up because i killed and how old old were you? July 13th, 88. I was like 20, 21. I killed. And I didn't even realize what I did. I just did it. And my father looked at me like a look I never had before.

He's never looked at me like that. And I said, Pop, I think I want to do this. And again, long drag of the lucky. Do it now. Do it now before your life gets complicated. But if you're going to do this, you give it everything you got. That's great advice. Because one day there's going to be an old man in a mirror looking back at you.

Worst thought you can ever think is if I tried that much harder. Because my father never did what he wanted to do. I see. What was it? Do you know what he wanted to do? He wanted to be an inventor. He did. He had that tinkering gene. He made everything. He made our toys. He built

our house. He cut the driveway. We had a corner house. He cut the circular driveway. I came home one day and there was a little bulldozer. I'm like, it's like Fred Flintstone. A fucking dinosaur. And I'm like, Pop, wow, what are you doing? Someone cut a driveway. He goes,

how'd you learn how to do that? I go, I'll figure it out. He started up a fucking bulldozer. He graded it. He cut it. He did it. There was no fear of I can't, what if. He rented a fucking bulldozer and cut the driveway. Because he wanted a circular driveway. You know why? He fought my mother for years

with building a circular driveway when he built the house. Why, Joe? Because I don't want to back up. That was it. Not because somebody will block him in. I don't like to back up. Why is there a bulldozer here? Pop don't like to back up. It was a distillation of a simple need that my father had that gift to encapsulate that. And I don't have it this.

You know, I can't. But I can do it with words and I can do it with feelings. I can do it with a joke. It's like I can't fix my life, but I can fix a joke. That's why I'm a confessional comic. I'm a student of the human condition. I'm not a sociological. I'm not a critic of society

i talk about what's going on in here because if i don't talk about it who will yeah right i gotta find some peace i suffered for my heart and now it's your turn exactly but yes so that so i got that love and support i always got the love and support from my family i never got the what are you doing? You're crazy. Their, their fear was projected on me about, you have to be okay. My mother would say, I'm cold,

put on a coat. You know, that was, that was the fear that was always projected on you. And, um, so I, I have,

it's ingrained in me. Um, and a lot of it is projecting future doom because they're like in the mental guard tower all the time. You, they can't really relax and, and you can't be in the present moment like that. And your life slips away if you don't make an attempt to at least do that. At least for me it does. And now we're going to take a quick break to hear from our first sponsor, HIMSS.

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Get started today at stitchfix.com slash honeydew and get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash honeydew. stitchfix.com slash honeydew. Stitchfix.com slash honeydew. Now let's get back to the show. So earlier you mentioned your dad passed away. So you obviously had a great relationship with your father. And he passed away.

How old was he when he passed away? 69 years old. That was my grandma when she passed away. That's young. You don't think it is, but that is young. That's too young to die. I always say that. People are like, yeah, it's all right.

Yeah, it's all right. I'm like, is that, would you want to die at 69? Fuck no. No. I want to die, own a government as much money as I possibly can. Yeah, me too. And go out old too. Fuck.

Old. I told my wife, don't tell him I'm dead. I want him to come looking for me. I want an FBI file. Oh, yeah. I want him. Ferrara, Adam. He's upstairs.

I told my wife, you put my body under a spotlight and keep rigor mortis in this finger. That's what I... That's it. Chase me. Here it is. Put that in your living will, for real. Just dead. So what...

Are you comfortable talking about what happened with your dad? Yeah, he got bladder cancer. He did? Cigarettes. It was from the Luckys. It was the Luckys, yeah. And I remember when I was a kid, I was like, Dad, did he smoke something with a filter?

Like, man, the filter's bad for you. The filter's bad for you. Did he ever stop? Was he smoking right up to the time he got it? No, he stopped at 40 years old because I remember the date. We used to vacation at Lake George, New York. Right? Josh, you know, you're from Buffalo.

Right? You know Lake George? Lake George, Josh. Yeah, so we went there. It's a fresh water. We were camping. You ever see Italians camp? All right?

My mother's hanging salami in the trees. My uncles came. This was the big vacation. Everyone would come up from Long Island. Oh, look, a water freaking boat. My father had a boat. We got it from Spain, but my father had a boat. And that was his big toy.

What kind of boat? It was a 25-foot Sea Ray Cuddy Cabin, which he made. This is how Italian is. He made what? He made the kitchen. He made a little kitchen. On it? Yeah.

Here's the driver's seats here, and he fitted under the driver's seat sat here. It comes up. There's a sink here. There's a place for a fridge and a cabinet, and the whole thing comes up out of the boat, goes onto the island. He got a pump, and we had running water. Holy shit. Because that's what he did.

He was a plumber. He was a designer. He had that. He would do kitchens and bathrooms, and he would build all this shit. Why can't we shit on the boat's what he did. He was a plumber. He was a designer. He had that. He would do kitchens and bathrooms and he would build all this shit. Why can't we shit on the boat, Dad? You're a plumber, for Christ's sake. No, we could. We had a toilet in the boat.

But we couldn't use it because he's not pumping it out. He goes, go shit in a hole. You just shit in there? There was an outhouse. So you go to the outhouse and you shit in a hole. So he quits at 40? He quits at 40 because he got winded on loading the boat. And he quits at 40. He quits at 40 because he got winded on loading the boat. And he said, I can't.

It's killing me. Now, I have the physical effects of I can't do what I used to do. So he quit. Cold turkey. He did. Yeah. Luckies, too. God.

Just an animal. My father looked at fear and went, I thought I told you to wait in the truck. He used to make that shirt, dude. Yeah. I saw it. I saw it happen. I saw his command of his space was amazing. I talk about, in my act, I talk about getting bullied.

And I was ashamed to tell my father because, you know, he's this big imposing figure. You think he would tell you to be a man and fight? Yeah, I didn't want to come home and admit that I was afraid and didn't know how to handle it. Because to me, that's shame. And I didn't want to do it. So you hide your person. You keep them. So one day, the kid was bigger, meaner, meaner kid.

And I realized there's no one coming to save my ass. So I grabbed a garbage can and I came up and I caught him right under the chin. Damn. Yeah. Poof. And he went back. And the next thing I know, we're in the principal's office. He's got ice under his chin.

He's crying. And they called my dad. And I'm like, I'm terrified. And looking out the window, there's a sign in the chain link fence. There's no parking, teachers only. My father parked the truck right in front of the sign. He never came into the office. He filled up the doorway, and he gave me the look.

He had a look. Not only did you know you were in trouble, but all the plants would die. It should just drop. When he summoned that energy He gave me that look at the beach once And the tide went out We'll be back at 630 Fuck that

So he leans into me with the look And the teacher said These kids are fighting Your son picked up a garbage can And hit him on the chin and he's bleeding And my father looked at the kid He looked at the kid. He looked at the principal.

And he said, well, if I was you two guys, I'd stay the hell out of his way. And he walked down the hall. The hall? Where the fuck did he go? He just left. He said. That was it. He didn't take me with him? The principal didn't know what to do.

Ryan, he's sitting there. I wouldn't know what to do. He's sitting there with a what the fuck look on his face. And he's like, this isn't over, Mr. Ferrara. And down the hall, we heard, yeah. That's it. Yeah. I got suspended.

I came home with the letter. I'm at dinner. Pop, I got suspended. He didn't look up from the plate. He went, you go to school tomorrow. Really? Yeah. And did you? I got a problem. You you go to school tomorrow. Really? Yeah. He's got a problem.

You tell him to call me. Went to school. Principal saw me. What are you doing here? I'm like, look, I'm just as shocked as you. I don't know. My dad's tripping. I was hoping to watch Price is Right all day.

I'll be honest with you. I had a day planned. But I'm here. He said, you should call him. And he walked away. And I never heard. That was it. That's the kind of.

That's a fucking man. You know? Yeah, that's a man. And so not being able to live up to that. Or the idea of what that should be. For him, we're talking about. For him or for what I wanted to be like him. Okay.

When I started doing comedy and I started working, I stepped into the access of my power. It's like, oh, okay, this is, and that there was a settled feeling. And I remember the first time I was on stage, I go, I don't know how long this is going to last, but for now I belong here. You know when you hit a golf ball right and your balls go ping? Yeah. You're like, God damn. Yeah.

So I could access, I had access to power that way. And then that lasted a while. And then when I started acting, then this big fucking door opened. And then when my dad died um where were you he got i was on a movie set i was doing a movie with um handsome guy deadpool ryan reynolds yeah yeah that's a handsome i don't care i don't care where your mail is delivered that's a handsome that's a handsome man yeah so uh i remember i got the call pops got a tumor. My brother, Johnny called

and I was in my, my, my trailer and I, my face went fucking white and it was second or third day of shooting. So you don't really know anybody. Right. Yeah. And I walked out of my trailer and there was a guy in the movie called an actor, Derek Luke, you know, Derek Luke, kindest human being I've, I've ever ran into. He looked at me. I met this guy the other day at the table read to say hello and shake his hand. That's it. I walked out of my trail, blood drained from the face. He looked at me and goes, man, you all right? And I said, yeah, you know, I'm fine.

Okay. And we're walking to the set and I'm trembling, you know, because I don't process it. I got to fucking work. And he's like, oh, shit, I need a minute. Can you come help me with something? Yeah, yeah. He tells the stage man who's walking to the set, we'll be right back. Takes me to his trailer.

I go, what do you need? He goes, you're not all right. He goes, and he took the heat because we're going to be late for the set. He goes, what happened? They just called. My dad has got a tumor and I don't know what to do. Because what happens, they just called. My dad has got a tumor and I don't know what to do.

Took my hands, dropped to his knees, and just started praying out loud, praying with me. Now, I'm not a religious guy, but that, he, boom. Just took over the situation, do what he knew how to do. Help. That's how he knew how to help. And just the immediacy of his action and the kindness and the openness of his heart. I never forgot that. That's awesome.

And that was just, I was like, fuck. So when things get dark, I hang on to moments like that. And my dad telling me, do it now. And there's a support system. And I didn't even know this guy. And I ran into him after after the movie was over that's it and i just said hello to him we were some press thing it was this never forgot it wow yeah so did you finish the movie and get to go back in time to be with your dad that was the beginning of the that was the beginning of uh him dying you get about three years okay three years when i

talked to people uh about some people don't i just had a friend that was they thought he had uh six months to a year and he was gone in two months yeah and everyone was like what the fuck just happened yeah you see we get about three we get you get about three years um when people i was talking to uh and it was it was rough because he did the chemo he did the whole thing but i wrote and when he's saying how we help i wrote a bit um about my dad going to chemo it's on one of my specials it's on youtube it's called the chemo bit and i got so many emails and stuff about the bit and i got a call from it got licensed by professor uh eddie freefeld at yale drama and nyu he called up and said i want to license that bit to use it as a teaching tool because i the emotion the emotion

goes down it comes up again um i just wrote it for me to get it out um and he goes how much i'm free take it go it's got a bigger life you know i'm like wow so uh so i was that was very pleased that that that's great buddy yeah yeah yeah so what was the final time like i mean did you get to go back off them were you having a oh yeah i i was i was or did you just take off no i was living there i was still living in new york because i was shooting uh we finished the movie he got diagnosed and i was i was shooting rescue me at the time so i was living in new york um and uh my parents were on long island so i would go out every weekend and i remember i got my my rent-a-car bill which is through the roof because i would just get a car and i just drive out the weekend and uh and i would spend every weekend

you know with my dad and my mom so i was there for the whole ride and uh yeah it's heartbreaking you know but it's the moments were so fucking there was a lot of fucking funny moments yeah he's in this little condo right they sold the house he's in the condo um and he's in a he's got this chair the wheelchair because he got he couldn't get around at the end he's got an oxygen tank underneath it going to chemo's kicking the shit out of him so he had this little room because he couldn't sleep laying down so i bought him one of those electric chairs so we figured out how to angle this thing and and he had this little room because he couldn't sleep laying down, so I bought him one of those electric chairs. So we figured out how to angle this thing, and he had to get this chair out,

so I took the molding off the bottom of the wall because I had to make the turn, so I had to modify the house to get him out so he could make the turn. And I had to teach my mother how to do the turn because I wasn't going to be there all the time. So he's got the oxygen tank under his nose. He's in the chair.

My mother's coming out making the turn. He's trying to stop him. My mother pulls the oxygen through. His head goes back. And my father goes, Louise, I ain't a horse. Snap this guy. I was waiting for her to do this. Come on, Joe.

Yeah. Yeah. With the fucking oxygen tank. Oh, man. Yeah, there was a lot of gallows humor. There was a lot of this story. This fucking freaked me out. He can't sleep a lot.

And I sat up with him at night. And I had to rub his kidneys. It was heartbreaking. So I finally get him back to bed. I double up the medicine. And he finds, oh, that's good. Puts the chair back. And there's a street light outside.

Lights over his head with the street light. That's where the chair landed. And I'm just looking at him. About 3 in the morning. And I haven't slept in days. So there's that Halcyon thing we both got going. He's doped up. I'm just exhausted.

And he's not. My father wasn't really a religious man, but he looked at me and said, if the stories are true, I'll get to see my father again. I don't know if I'm going to see my grandfather, though. I think he killed a guy. And he fell asleep. He left you on that?

This is what he leaves me with. I think he killed a guy. That's a hell of a way to have to wake up. I can't wake him up. And you doubled the medicine. And I'm like this. Now I'm up, Brian. I'm up.

I walk into the kitchen. It's 3 in the morning. My mother's there in a robe. She's making a cup of tea. And I went, Ma, Grandpa killed grandpa killed a guy adam don't listen to your father he never killed nobody he was just a wheel man he was part of the murder the driver he goes yeah that's who i would be by the way it was doing it was during the depression he goes there was there he did some work for joe bananas down at the dock he was the guy that imported the

bananas something went bad. He took the weight. He did a dime upstate, and that's how we got the bungalow. Your mom's on point, dude. She goes, that's how we got the bungalow. He did a dime. She goes, listen, if you take somebody out, you get a bigger payday than that piece of shithouse in Sound Beach.

Go to bed. This is the shit that came out. That's probably all true, too. You definitely get a bigger payday than that. Yeah. But that's the... I grew up in a crime family without the money, power, or influence. Yeah.

But it was that... That's in my head. That's pretty much... You know what? You know what? My emotional state growing up was remember the Goodfellas when Ray Liotta was doing the coke. I hear helicopters. Helicopters.

One of my favorite movies. But that's the emotional state you grow up in. Yeah. Or I did anyway. So what did you notice? What happened after your father passed? What were the traumas that were triggered? And what started happening to you that you had to go deal with well first it's the uh it it brought back a lot and again this is all

in hindsight right because we don't know we're going no you have no idea so you finally something hits you and you go i need to get this shit checked yeah start realizing but the first the initial thing was i i got to take care of the family. Because I was, you know, a lot of friction. A lot of friction in the family. Because I was trying to take, you know, handle everything. And I was here. You know, I was in New York back and forth. But I was on the road.

Your brothers are chefs where? Are they in New York? They're still home. They're in Long Island. But I was on the road. So I wasn't really around. So I would check in with the family. And I didn't realize the state of everything.

So I had to go in and take, I'm going to do this for my mother. And I didn't realize the state of everything. So I had to go in and take, I'm going to do this for my mother, I'm going to do this, blah, blah, blah. Do the whole thing. And we go to his wake. My mother's crying. She's picking out the coffin.

I want this, I want this. Oh, he would have liked that. Most expensive shit you can pick out. Okay, Ma, we walk my brother John. He's a big boy, my brother John. So it's just me and him sitting there. He leans into funeral director he's like i see this number here but uh i need you to sharpen your pencil see what you can do i love those old times this is the guy's face goes white sharpen my pencil yeah And he goes excuse me I gotta go to the bathroom

I go you're leaning on a funeral director The fuck are you doing I go what the fuck are you doing He's like what What are you kidding me You think these flowers they've only been to one Come on He's convinced

Yeah Did the guy come off it I don't know I probably try to sell you another fucking call i just threw him the money i didn't give a shit at that point so but yeah i need you to sharpen i need you to sharpen your pencil and he said it in such a threatening tone i went like this i went are you what the fuck but do you know what i appreciate about that you're in most people i would say are at their worst at that moment and they prey on you oh they prey on you with these airtight coffins yeah all this bullshit i don't

know if you know about the bugs yeah exactly and they're like oh yeah but the way but your brother leaning back is the guy wasn't used to that shit. No. Like, what the fuck? No, everyone comes in crying. Yeah. And you got them. How much? Yeah.

Pay him, Fred. We'll put it on the credit card. Yeah. No. So you take care of that. So the first mode I went into was just survival mode, care for everybody. And then realizing I was trying to be like him and trying to control the situation. Because that was a big thing.

My father would control everything. Because that was the role that he played in the family and everyone else played the role along with him. So there's a certain abdication of power. You need Pop's permission to do this shit. It's not spoken. It's non-spoken communication. But even like when i when you said

when i want to be a comic i got by him saying do it now and pushing me in a way that gave me permission to do it because he could have crushed it right there right because i wasn't aware that i needed that permission um and him dying was a long journey of me looking for that permission and realizing that fuck i got the permission I don't need to fucking ask anymore. And then once you have that realization, not being angry, empowerment isn't fuck you. And that was a big thing I had to learn.

Yeah. Because usually in my neighborhood, it's fuck you. Yeah. Revenge, fuck you, vendetta. Oh, God. Sure. Yeah. I used to drive a pickup truck that carried a grudge

just to make it fucking easy. You kidding? So putting that shit down and knowing how to do it without fuck you, because it was all anger. Empowerment was anger in my head. It was. And those are the guys on the street you saw. You know, Freddie, you won't see him no more walking straight. Right.

Why do you limp? Wow. You know, so that, that was a big thing. Not, not yelling and, and taking the tools that I had growing up and getting married,

you know, when I got mad, I didn't think there's anything wrong with me. And then, you know, one day my wife had a list as they do. Yes, they do. As they do.

But I realized that this isn't working. She was crying one day. I was yelling. She was crying. I said, yeah, I'm not letting this asshole into my house anymore. So that was a big thing too. I couldn't be a better man with the tools I had. So I had to look at what I was doing. Well said.

I had to figure out how, I want to be a better man, but the way I know to do it isn't working. So I got to let go of that. Yeah. So the first thing for me was figuring out where I want to go and what I want. And then looking at what's in my way that, that I'm creating,

you know, and I, I did, I was trying to be my dad. When people didn't play the roles that they were supposed to play because I was playing that role, I got pissed off. I'm like,

and the fact that I took on a lot of his fear when he said there's nobody behind me. Especially in this business. We don't know if we're going to fucking work again. I'm starting a podcast. It could go to dude. We don't know if we're going to fucking work again. I'm starting a podcast soon. It could go to shit. We were talking over there.

It could go to shit. It could all go to shit. Everything could go to shit. There's no like, you know, there's no, so I had to get past the fact, it's a trust issue too. My wife was like, you need to trust. I go, in this world, are you fucking crazy?

You know? That's funny. I had somebody, and this is the last two years tell me they're like you're not jealous and i said no i'm not jealous at all and she goes but you're suspicious and i was like i go that's it yeah 40 fucking plus years somebody just said it to me and i go that's it i'm never fucking jealous i'm just always like yeah you want some coffee why Why? What's in it?

I'm always suspicious. I'm suspicious of everything. I don't know. You want to get over here and get these free shirts? Jesus said he was coming back. He didn't say when. That's right. I'm suspicious of that motherfucker.

That's it for me. I'm very suspicious all the time. It's a trust issue. Yes, of course. It's huge. There's it for me. I'm very suspicious all the time. It's a trust issue. Yes, of course. It's huge. There's no trust. I get, I can't, kindness is greeted with suspicion. That's right.

I actually have that line somewhere in some fucking thing. Because it is. And it's a defense mechanism. You don't want to allow yourself to. Believe it. Or you don't. Let me ask you this. This guy's so nice.

Do you feel you're entitled to it? Let me ask you that. Do you feel you're entitled to it? Let me ask you that. Entitled to what? Good things. Entitled to. It took me a long time. Unbridled kindness. Yes.

Now I do. Yeah. I didn't before. Yeah. I just always assumed everybody had a plan B or ulterior motive or whatever. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Is it self-worth for you? Because I thought, no, I don't or ulterior motive or whatever. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, because I look at some of my moments.

Is it self-worth for you? Because I thought, no, I don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, growing up when you're told you're worthless and, you know, your whole life, even though you don't believe it in your soul and you move forward, you still can't get, you know, that filter's there.

You got to get by that filter. Well, were you told that you don't deserve it? See, I wasn't told. Right. But the behavior was, you can do anything you want. Not tonight, it's raining. Yeah, right. I'm cold, get a jacket.

Yeah, I'm cold, get a jacket. You can do anything. Yeah, listen. I love that. This is how I feel. You need to feel that shit. Yeah, that was my father. He goes, listen, you got to go out in this world.

You got to trust people. You can't be a cynical bastard. That guy shakes your hand, you count your fingers. He's a fucking Hungarian. For real. What? Yes, he has. Exactly.

What? Tell you that and I'll tell you. But watch this motherfucker right here. Yeah, watch that motherfucker. God loves everybody except that fucker. Except this guy right fucking here. Yeah, so you don't know how to process that. So how? Go ahead. No, you're're the same thing you know what else got me a big one worry is not

responsibility oh that was fucking huge for me yeah yeah i thought you know my father was always worried yeah he was always aggravated he was always yelling to get shit done to take care of the family there was a veil of virtue on it oh that's how a man is that's how a man takes care of his family he yells until shit gets done he was always worried too i saw the fucking the the giant ashtray filled with the butts of lucky yeah that's that's a good one yeah that was big how are you dealing with it now i drink in the morning oh man i write about it you do this journal yeah a lot of stuff and i'm and i'm and yeah i write you put it all do you put a lot of this into your material are you are you able to yet oh yeah oh yeah that that's the only thing like i said i can't fix my life but i can fix a joke Do you put a lot of this into your material? Are you able to yet? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's the only thing. Like I said, I can't fix my life, but I can fix a joke. I can get to what I want to get to by making that joke work. And a lot of times I'll start with an idea, and I'm at the point now where I can see where it's going to take me. I'm like, oh, that's what it wants to be. And I think not lack of control, but letting back from the control and getting myself to let it breathe.

A lot of things I got wrong growing up was this. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of early part of my career was control and getting. I'm shifting now in my life. And it was one reason I wanted to start the podcast. I figured out what I wanted to say. I figured out what I wanted to do with it.

Because, you know, this is great. I mean, you found this. And Segarra's is great. And Rogan's is good. I mean, I figured out what I wanted to say. I figured out what I wanted to do with it. Because, you know, this is great. I mean, you found this and Segarra's is great and Rogan's is good. I mean, I look at this, I'm like, I can't, you know. And I just didn't want to be running around with a recorder in the back of a green room, you know, talking to other comics. They're fucked up too.

Because people do that. And they do it better than I could. But at this point in my life, I'm trying to shift from getting something to being something and letting go of that control is i'm like okay that's so hard that's kind that's hard that's kind of interesting i feel like a lot of that's what my anxiety now is is letting go of that control because all my life that wall has been what has protected and helped me move forward so then starting to let that down and let people in i'm like yeah i'm gonna sit down on this motherfucking escalator i'm gonna sit down

on this motherfucking escalator i really believe that's part of all of it and it's and the control is an illusion yeah fucking earthquake 7.1 we're nothing yeah we're nothing yeah oh i'm nothing i'm in control yeah but you're a controller that is the truth yeah yeah you can even if we write a joke you don't even control that they laugh laugh don't you hate it when jokes go away you have a fucking joke go away yeah like i'll shelve it that's on a shelf somewhere but it's like shit that the kid what i'm not doing anything different yeah you know they're like fruit you have um any of those moments where something about your dad will just catch you like for me it's been like i say it's coming up on 30 years and it doesn't matter they'll be i'll be at the grocery store and the frozen

fucking food and the song will come on i'm like oh yeah oh yeah like i wouldn't expect cats in the cradle you motherfucker i'm in the lead pocket section right now. Sir, are you okay? Yeah, I'm just lactose intolerant. I can't start tearing like everybody else. Yeah. That one will kill you. And there was a Dan Fogelberg one. A carpenter's son.

There's a fucking Dan Fogelberg song. I forget what it was. Yeah, I punched the shit. It was recently, too. I punched the shit out of a headline of a rent-a-car. Why? Don't know. Don't know.

Just thinking about shit? Something happened. I think it was my, I think somebody, oh, I know, somebody cut me off. And I yelled. It was my father's voice coming out of my mouth. And I got, I think I wasn't, I think it turned into anger because it was just, it was pain. But I wasn't in a position. I was driving and I had to get to work.

I wasn't in a position to allow myself to let the pain out through sadness. I just had to put the energy out through something. So, you know, I'll punch something. Yeah. A rental car. Because I'm a healthy man. Yeah. That's, well, it's a rental car though.

Yeah. And I took the insurance. Yeah. You a healthy man. Yeah, that's... Well, it's a rental car, though. Yeah, and I took the insurance. Yeah, you get that insurance, you fuck that. I missed that. You just crushed the fucking dome light. Shattered the windows out. Yeah, I caught the dome light. Yeah, there's that. But yeah, and you don't know you're going through it.

You have no idea. I mean, you know you're going through something, but you have no idea what it's doing until're going through something but you have no idea what it's doing until you can really get on the other side and look back and be like all right i'm i'm still fucked up but i got a window into this let's fucking climb back through that's the thing you gotta want to climb back through that window and go back inside and refigure it all out again that's what's oh yeah what's tough most people don't want to do that yeah change is hard but it's what change is hard but it's necessary but it's also hard to look in a mirror and be like

i'm fucked up i've got the the same advice i would give to my friend that went through this is hard to give to yourself and listen you know yeah well it's hard like i can help other people but i look in a mirror and i go i try to give myself the advice and the guy in the mirror is like you're so full of shit shit because you don't believe it. It's like your wife will tell you something. I don't hear it. Someone else will say something. I come home, same thing she was saying.

Oh, now I get it. It's the delivery system of the message. But, yeah, and I want to change because I figured out a long time ago, life is pretty much looking at me like it's not me, it's you. Yeah, that's the truth. I've been here before you showed up. I'll be here after you're gone. I'm happy you're gone.

Long after, yeah. You can, look, you can stay off the escalator, make everything you must need is going to be on the ground floor, or you can figure out how to go up to your Orange Julius. Yeah, I'm going to get that Orange motherfucking Julius. I promise you that. But that's also what helped me was again looking at where I want to

is the clarity of the intention you know if you're angry guess why and what do I want to get I want to be a better man and I want to be a better man for my wife because I just don't I mean my wife's stunning and I look at her and I'm like how long am I going gonna get away with this yeah yeah you know sometimes i look at when i get worried i when i really get worried

that's suspicion right my wife is my wife is stunning and i mean just a beautiful person just and she's a beam of light ryan she's gorgeous my wife and i look at her i'm like god's not gonna let her starve i'll be right. I'll just keep taking care of her. So it's like the flowers. I can water it. I can give it sunlight. It's going to grow on its own. But I got to get that trust of, it's like I said, even this creative endeavor of starting

my podcast, it's got to grow on its own. Yeah, it does. All I can do is just spend time in a garden. So how, what did that do with your relationship with your mom? Did you grow closer? Did you feel like you needed to be there more for her? How did that play out? Yeah, that was, because my mom was,

I don't think she's really processed her grief as she's learned how to live with it, because so much of her identity, and a lot of this is identity. Yeah, you say it goes back to high school. Yeah, they were married longer than they weren't. Right, yeah. You don't have that anymore.

Right. You know, everything, that was it. And my father knew how to deal with her crazy, and my mother knew how to deal with his crazy. So now, it's just crazy. And I try to play the role of how I saw my father communicate with my mother. I tried. And it doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work.

It doesn't, you know, I can't, and I have to realize she's in her isolation, and I can't make her process the grief. She's got to want it or not. She started knitting Afghans. I have more Afghans than Kabul. Did she date again? No.

She just retired. Are you kidding? She doesn't even... Right now, she's like, I like the Outlander. I watch the Outlander. The guy has such a beautiful body. I'm like... Your mom said...

I gotta hang up. She's not dating? Are you kidding? There's three beats to every conversation with my mother. What she ate, who's dead, and what's wrong. That's it. There's no room for anything else. Is she by herself?

Yeah. How old is she now? My mom is 73. 73. Yeah. And she's in a gated community because apparently she has to be kept under guard. Well, she'll spread lasagna and guilt throughout the neighborhood. So she's in one of those 55.

It's like my father said when he was dying. He was like, I got her behind bars, so she'll be safe. I mean, that was it. I saw my father make our lives better and make my mother's life better and protect. It was all protection. That's where the provide and protect. It was all protection. That's where the, to provide and protect. That's where, that was the mission statement to a point of neurosis. Right.

Which then spider webs out into us and all the anxiety and responsibility and all of it. And it's all future what's going to happen. And you can't protect against everything. Like I said, the fucking earthquake the other day. I'm like, okay. We're nothing. Yeah like okay we're nothing yeah you're a great point yeah we're nothing so do you get to take your mom on set you get to take her to shows she well she doesn't i i bring the show to her now there's a little club out in long island on the east end of long island that i go to when i play try to play once a year and stuff so she can come out

because there's no driving at night anymore that's yeah that's the thing of the past yeah so uh but she used to when i started oh they had a great time they uh uh i would bring them to everything i and they would show up and i put the rescue me comedy tour was something they would look forward to we did that for a couple years and um we did radio city and i Pop, I'm playing Radio City musical. He goes, Yeah, kid. Your mom says you're playing the Mohegan Sun Casino. We're going to go to that. That's closer.

That's closer. Pop, I'm playing radio. I said, But you're going to come to the show. We're in the arena. The giant. Oh, no, I'll be there. Oh, we'll be there. Unless I get on a rush. But I'll be there.

But they wanted to gamble. But he came. I played, I'll be there. Unless I get on a rush. But I'll be there. But they wanted to gamble. But he came. I played Carnegie Hall. I think it was the Toyota Comedy Festival. It was me, Leary, and a bunch of other comics. And my parents came in to Carnegie Hall. And I got standing up. I just hit it right.

It was Carnegie Hall. And I walked off stage. And Leary came out Because he was hosting it And we were doing I think we were doing Rescue Me or The Job It was one of those shows And Leary was like

He just went Standing ovation Carnegie Hall Your mom and dad are here They're right out there Your boy made it And I put my hands up And the place erupted

The light came around Oh wow It was I was like It was surreal We go backstage My mother comes My mother's this big

My mother goes back And mother's this big. She goes back and looks at Leary. She goes like this. Don't you ever do that again. I don't want the spotlight on me. If I wanted to be a spy, I would have been on stage. Was I on stage? No.

I was in the audience because I didn't want to be seen. She's yelling. Leary's like this. His mother's like, I'm sorry. Like it's his mom. I felt guilty. I sit at the guilt when he goes, I thought I was doing something. I'm sorry.

I'll stop smoking. Is that okay? Why would you think you're doing something wrong there? That was it. But yeah. So I would bring them to other stuff. I got nominated for. I got nominated for. Remember the American Comedy Awards?

Yeah. I got nominated a couple of times. So I'd fly them out for that. So I flew my parents out remember the American Comedy Awards? Yeah. I got nominated a couple of times, so I'd fly them out for that. So I flew my parents out with my tuxedo and everything, and we're on the red carpet, and I'm doing an interview on the red carpet, so it's me, the lady interviewed me, and

the publicist with my family and my girlfriend at the time. So I'm sitting there, and yeah, it's not going to be nominated, what the hell am I saying? My mother comes over, no clue that there's an interview coming, puts me on the show, Adam, oh, Adam, we're going to go in because I have to pee. So we're going to go in. The publicist lady said she'll meet us. So we'll see you at the scene.

No, come on, Joe. She leaves. My father walks in like this. Look at all these freaking people Just walk right through the set And you're right on camera And they sat down That part of their life

They weren't impressed with anything There's a video on YouTube I interviewed them before I died And it It's how I remember my parents My father was a big man And they're holding hands and yelling at each other. Well,

he interviewed about Letterman. She's like, we go in to see Adam. I couldn't believe I was there. I couldn't believe I was in the show. And he wasn't on. Whatever happened. He got,

he got bumper to something. So I'm like, what the frig happened? And, and Adam said, they ran out of time. And I told him, what the frig happened? And Adam said they ran out of time. And I told him, I said, well, we're here. We'll wait. Let's do this.

I'm not coming back. I'm not coming back. She didn't understand. And my father was sitting there. He goes, I remember it was cold. And I thought, let him in. I was like, you have people over here. This is your place and it's cold?

Is this the way you treat people coming to your frig house they keep those studios cold and he goes he goes you know what about letters i never liked them i never thought he was funny and when he bumpered my son he really sucked that's so great dude so they got to uh they they got to see a lot and i got to show them a lot and i got my father had an office uh he did kitchens and bathrooms he was well again plumbing but he took it to another level he just wasn't fixing shit he was designing that boat thing i love it you can fucking portable he bought a kitchen it came out because he saw on how to do that so even when i write now when i can't figure it out because he saw on how to do that so even when i write now when i can't figure it out because i figured out how to get find out the direction of to get through the anxiety pal because you got to find a way so i i actually got this from my dad

i think i i stole when when he passed away i took all his drawings all his mechanical drawings and i framed him because he would have like the working stuff like what it looked like so there's like art to me so i framed i put him on the wall and i when i need to figure something out i get a big piece of drafting paper i stole his pad so that's the that's the parchment right and i sit down with a pencil and i just put the ideas down i try and connect them the way he would and i got a t-square and i do the whole thing it's just the process of trying to put the thought together that's how you write your jokes that's how i figure out the structure of stuff then once i got the structure i'm like oh that's what that's about and then it comes from that it goes on to a legal pad and then the legal the worst part is one's got

to go into the computer because now it's work right this is art to me right yes yeah uh and then the then i listen to it then it becomes an audio file and then I'll just drive around and listen because I process by listening I got that from my dad and it's a warm feeling he used to draw with a pencil the scratching of a pencil, that sound is comforting to me that was my dad working

the sound of a dishwasher is comforting to me because that was my mom dishes were hot, the kitchen was clean she's finished a little bit of wine and now she's going to read me a story or things are done so it's weird when you said do something trigger it that's what triggers it for me and do you have kids do you want kids i don't want to lose my figure no No, I got the wife and I, we got a dog. And I look at her.

It was funny because I was home from the road. And we live by the beach. So the doors are open. Sunday morning. Coffee's just kicking in. We're laying in bed. Dog's sitting there. My wife is, like I said, she's beautiful.

I'm looking over going, well, she's still here. I got another day. And I look at her. She looks at me. It was like one of those moments where you don't say anything, but you know this is good. And she goes, you ever think about kids? I go, yeah, but this goes away. She's like, yeah, pass the call.

So. Are you an uncle? Yeah. I got two god kids. Gorgeous. Sophia and Joseph, my brother Johnny's got two kids. And to watch them grow up and to watch my brother deal, and to watch that, not that boundary,

but that definition of who he is is pretty good. Because all the shit we do as kids, you have a kid, I see my brother going, just don't get with my kids. That line doesn't get crossed. Right. And there's a certain kind of, I need to be free.

I need to be this. You have to be kind of free in harness, if that makes sense. You got to know, here's the boundaries, so I can fly all I want in here. That's right. That don't happen,

and that don't happen. That's it. Which is, I need that. That's the structure I was talking here. That's right. That don't happen and that don't happen. That's it. I need that. That's the structure I was talking about. Me too. Here's the box you're allowed to be creative in right here. Do whatever the fuck you want in there. Yeah, but I'm not gonna

go do this. I'm not gonna do... It's like my marriage. I know guys that I can't do. I can't do it with the guilt. No. It would eat me up. I couldn't. Why are you crazy? I would tell on myself so fast. I would come home from the road. That was the road.

Sit down. Oh, God. What? Yeah, I couldn't do it either. It's just she's so, you know, like I said, oh, okay. That's I have to change to make her life better yeah yeah and you got the same thing yeah it's killing both of us killing me yeah and what's killing you about it it's just it's the worry wow yeah worry is a big part of it for sure it is and also

just it's like man i've been through all this shit i'm in a good space and now there's some new shit but there's always gonna be new shit that's the thing is like god damn here comes the new how did you get through the old shit um well the old shit you know death and all that stuff with honestly with humor yeah uh but with a lot of rage like you said a lot of anger a lot of a lot of frustration a lot of you know i heard a lot of people i got hurt a lot of rage, like you said, a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, a lot of, you know, I hurt a lot of people. I got hurt a lot. You know, that whole thing.

You don't know. And hopefully you're ever evolving and you can start, you know, minimizing the mistakes and the repeats. The repeats are the ones I try to not keep. You know, I'm like, at least it's some new shit. You know what I mean? At least I'm not repeating some old shit. But a lot of that old shit can help you with the new shit well no look

at the shit you've done it's like i was talking to a buddy of mine the other day he wants to he's been angry at somebody for a long time and he's like you know what i i need to unburden myself okay he goes we're just bullshitting and he's like you know i'll go and i'll apologize for this i go and what's gonna happen he's like oh yes but if i know i'll do it he's like you know i'll go and i'll apologize for this i go and what's gonna happen he's like oh he's but if i know i'll do it he's gonna do that again and i'm like because you're looking for him that's to unburden you that's right so if you want to unburden yourself find out what you got to put down like i had to i i apologized uh uh i had a falling out with a with a buddy of mine over something that was important at the time but in the grand scheme of things nothing really is

so I called him up and I didn't go back to the incident I said look I'm sorry I let so much time go by before I made this call because that's what I was sorry about whether I was right or wrong in that situation don't know but I was sorry I let that

go so it wasn't a big dissertation about well you did this and you said this night that how could you and why did you and all that shit we never got into that shit that's already in the past the residue of that and the echo of that was that's what i'm upset about that i didn't face it then yeah and that's what i needed to unburden so it wasn't up to him to give me the outcome i was seeking. It was up to me to say it to him. And just by the act of doing that, a lot of shit went away. Well, that was with my mother, the same thing. Once I finally let her in, not just for me but for my daughter,

a lot of shit went away. But then a lot of new shit came up because now you're living a different way. But I just got that call from a friend of mine. Actually, it was 13 years ago we stopped talking, he just called uh maybe a month or so ago i was like i'm so sorry i've let all this time pass i've wanted to do this i didn't have the courage to do it at the time but fuck it and i was like it's great to hear from you yeah you know we didn't go back to any of that i don't care about that it's great you don't want to go right you know i want shit in your heart no too old for that shit i don't yeah you got i mean it's easy in your 20s to be throwing these up

just walking around and you know but in your 40s you can't still be fist fighting in your 40s you know what are you doing you're in a ball fight with gray hair what the fuck is wrong with you every time i see these guys on the internet fist fighting in stadiums and shit, I'm like, you're 52. What is wrong with you? You're a grown ass man paying for parking. The fuck is wrong with you? Your kid drove you here like son of a fuck. You're drunk. You're drunk in the second quarter.

Yeah, that's right. It's not halftime yet. What the fuck is wrong with you? It ain't even a playoff game. I see these people. I was like, are you out of your mind? I see that and I'm like, God. That was in my 20s.

I fist fought. If you're old enough to grow a beard and you're on a skateboard, I'm aiming for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, dude, thank you so much for coming on here this has been a lot of fun man i appreciate have we learned anything we've learned quite a bit and nothing at all at the same time do me a favor and please one more time promote anything you want the shows the podcast all of it uh my podcast july 23rd is called 30 minutes you'll never get back uh i hope you guys subscribe to it um uh and uh cbs all access why women kill is going to drop in august and there's a calendar

of uh stand-up dates coming up and uh i hope to see you soon and i hope to see you again brother this was a lot of fun you will see me again for sure brother thank you be good uh i am ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler.. We'll talk to you all next week.