The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Adam Ferrara - Panicked

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Adam Ferrara! Adam returns to highlight the lowlights about his anxiety and depression. We talk about his panic attacks, therapy and the medication no one seems to have for our specific symptoms. I hope y’all have a very Merry Christmas! Every sangle one of ya’s deserves it! It’s been an absurd year! To hell with 2020’s funky ass! SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: RAYCON Raycon’s being generous for the holidays, so on top of their everyday great prices, they’re offering my listeners 15-percent off right now! Go to BUY RAYCON.com/honeydew today to get 15% off your Raycon order! UPSTART See why Upstart has over 6,000 5-star reviews on Trustpilot and hurry to Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes! Manscaped Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code HONEYDEW at Manscaped.com. That’s 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com, and use code HONEYDEW. Happy New Year to your balls!

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis. right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Upstart, Manscaped, and Raycom. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the night pan studios i'm ryan sickler ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media uh thank you guys every week i thank you for your support. I genuinely mean it.

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the registration fee and give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package all right that's the biz there it is right there now if you're new to the show, what we do over here is we highlight the lowlights. And I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. It is a pleasure to have this guest return here. I've been trying to make this happen for a little while. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Honeydew. Adam Farrar, everybody. Thank you, brother.

Welcome back, brother. Good to see you, my friend. It's great to see you. And this is great. The new studio is great. And I'm on the mic. You're on the mic. I'm on the mic. Let them all know. Welcome back, brother. Good to see you, my friend. It's great to see you. It really is. And this is great. The new studio is great. And I'm on the mic. You're on the mic. I'm on the mic.

Let them all know. Let them all know. Hey, Mike's got a problem. He's funny, but I can't hear. I'm on the mic. Before we get into anything, please plug it all. Plug it all right at the top. Okay.

Well, the Adam Farrer podcast, 30 minutes. You'll never get back. You can get wherever you get your podcast. My dear friend Ryan Sickler has been on there. I don't know when this drops, but coming up, Ralph Macchio. That's great. I love that. Yeah, he's a sweet guy.

I mean, do you know him from – do you go back with him? We did a movie together. Yeah, we did a movie together. And then it was just when Cobra Kai was coming out, so he was telling me about it. And, you know, when you're on a set, it's heightened reality and you're working with your emotions. So you get close. Whatever emotion is happening on a set between people gets elevated. Yes.

So it's like, I love you. I hate that motherfucker. Either way, it's going to get bigger. So we just became friends because we played friends in the movie, Childhood Friends. And it was just us for the whole second act, the two of us running around Queens. So he was telling me about Cobra Kai because it was just us for the whole second act, the two of us running around Queens. So he was telling me about Cobra Kai, because it was just when that was starting to happen. And I called him when I started

the podcast, and he said, yeah, let me do it when I can promote stuff. So yeah, he did one for me. Nathan Lane did one for me, which was great. Your episode was great. Thank you. I had fun doing it. Yeah, it was great. It was just two of us in the garage. That's my ride.

That's a little Paul sort of call. And the siren was on the mic. We don't want to hear you bitching. The siren's too quiet. So yeah, if you're a sports fan, I had Joe Buck on. Yeah, yeah. Which was great. Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon from PTI.

You did them both? I had them both on, yeah. I got Michael Imperiser and Michael Wilbon from PTI. You've done them both? I've done them both on you. I've got Michael Imperioli coming up, Paul Reiser. So it's nice. And, you know, we get to talk to our friends and we get to – this gives us you an entree to reach out to people you wouldn't ever, ever really have a conversation with. But also people I'm a fan of who I don't know.

I didn't know you prior to doing this. I didn't know you, and I really connected with you. I really have a good time talking to you. And the other thing, too, is even though I do know some of these people, when you sit down, I'm like, I didn't know that about you. I've been working comedy with you for 10 years, and I know you. I've hung out with you, but I don't know this about you. So I've enjoyed finding out new things about old friends that I didn't know about. I didn't know Paul

Reiser was a classical pianist. Is he really? Yeah, he plays a classical piano. He played the piano for his music. The music for Mad About You. Really? Yeah. And the story was he was in an airport with Helen Hunt and Don was the producer from Bonnie Raitt

Stones and everything. They knew each other. And he's like, I don't have any music I'm working on this thing he's like come to my studio he goes in New York yeah I'm landing he goes come tonight and they just did it no shit they tried to get Lyle Lovett to sing it he passed

and then when it came back he did it again I kicked myself I wore out Lyle Lovett I kicked myself I didn't fucking do it I wore out Lyle Lovett and his large band that that album yeah that was great yeah all right so tell me what's going on with you man what's going on uh we're talking about his I don't know if you knew this about me I know last time I said we talked about therapy but do you get panic attacks I had um what I thought was a panic attack but but when I described it, people said, hey, no.

It's a heart attack. You're dying, motherfucker. You sure it's not in my mind? I don't know why this motherfucking arm, my jaw is killing me. I can't lift my arm up to touch my hurt jaw. People basically said, yo, you're new to this. A panic attack is crippling. What you had was a mild panic attack.

But to me, it did not feel mild because it was my first anything ever like that. I was with Segura on tour. We're in Atlantic City at this, what is it? I can't remember the newest casino there. It's gorgeous. Borgata. No. I can't remember now.

We did so many goddamn shows. But we're going up these escalators. And I say these escalators because, you know, it's this one. Yeah. Then it's this one. Oh, and you don't like escal because you know this it's this one yeah then it's this one oh yeah and you don't like escalators and then it's this one and now i'm like okay and i'm looking over the side and we're way the and there's still one more to go and i'm like and i start saying shit like man if i fell off this i could die and some stranger behind me's like dude why are you saying that i was like i don't know i don't know i don't know and then we got on that next one i i couldn't breathe i turned i sat down i faced everybody on the escalator i put my hands

like this i just breathe i was like just tell me when i'm close to the top so i can turn around and fucking step off this thing and i started getting and what i knew what what tipped it off was that my daughter had almost got hit by a car and it was a close call that just unnerved me and just fucked me up and i went i talked to dr drew about it he sent me to emdr therapy and and basically she's like look you you've been fine but that anxiety has been lying there dormant and that moment right there is what popped it all up and it was like surprise and i got scared to fly i you know i wouldn't i used to love i used to put music on and we'd shoot down that runway and i'd feel like

a fucking rock star now i'm i'm looking at everybody i'm looking around i'm listening to every squeak i'm like those wheels don't sound good going up they don't sound normal ah i get so bugged i'm like oh this is your par speaking. You're drunk, aren't you? You're drunk. Pay attention, man. Get off the radio. Stop talking to me. Fly the plane. I don't want to hear hold my beer. That's how I started to feel.

And I started to sit in the aisle so I could walk more and get up. And then she, you know, through therapy with her, she was like, look, these are, it's not real. Because what I told her was, when my daughter almost got hit, I couldn't stop thinking about what didn't happen. She goes, there it is right there. She goes, she called it future tripping. I've talked about it on the show. And she's like, I said, I couldn't. For two weeks, I saw a brutal, ugly event in my mind that didn't happen.

Yeah. And that's what she's like. You're conditioned to the trauma from your past of making you feel a certain way. And what you're feeling are the feelings that this anxiety is dredging up. You're not really feeling what you felt. Because you should feel relief. Nothing happened. Right.

She's safe. Whatever. And then I went to therapy for a while. Really started working on it i had to fly during it i was like i'm not hiding from this like i'm gonna tell you how i do i'm gonna be back here i'm getting on that fucking flight i would start watching planes in the air waiting to see if one would just go i did i was i was out of the parking lot. I'm going to get to the bottom of this myself. Like it was literally just. I told you.

I was flying a kite with my daughter in Playa. And you can see all the planes take off there. And I watched everyone take off. And I watched to see if anyone had mechanical problems or any of this shit. I started researching. All of it. That I had never done before. And it was all about that fear of losing someone and death and dying like i'm worried about crashing i'm worried about falling off these heights i was

never scared of heights before i wouldn't cross these crazy bridges and shit like fuck i'll sit in the car i was i'll sit in the car guy and um i worked on it and i kept working on i'm still working on it but i knew that I was better when I was having dinner at my daughter's mother's house one night and there's the three of us and my daughter gets up and she just walks away from the table and we're talking and I just think she's going to use the restroom. But then she comes back and she's red and starting and grabbing her throat and her mom's like, are you choking? And she didn't know what to do. I got up, high and licked, boom, flew right out, done. And I didn't panic. I didn't panic. I didn't choking? And she didn't know what to do. I got up, Heimlich, boom, flew right out, done.

And I didn't panic. I didn't panic. I didn't freak out. I didn't start thinking about, oh, my God, if I didn't get that out or what if I wasn't here. None of it. So I knew the therapy worked and was working, and I just knew I need to just keep that shit in mind. What I'm feeling is not what's happening. It's from other shit yeah let me

ask you this do you think there's any value or in any healing kind of uh energy in the fact that your daughter was in trouble and you got to her and you got you didn't panic and you were able to save her and that was a closure of it felt like it could have been a close yes it felt like control it felt like knowing what to do. Like everything slowed down. I was like, you're a lifeguard. You got this. You know how to do a Heimlich. I gave her a pop, pop, shit shot right out.

And I know that she's got the little sternum. So I didn't go hard. I knew where to position it, all that stuff. It all came back. You prepared your preparation at that moment. It did. And she coughed out an airplane. And boom.

And then the next day I go to school. I'm healed. Look what my daughter did and like the dad's like i heard you saved your daughter's life and i was like it's nothing you know i mean it's not yeah yeah yeah everyone for me she'd be dead she wouldn't be here today i'll tell you that it'd be an absentee day yeah well that see what you you describe is the way to describe it to me it's like you had that anxiety you had that trauma and it's it needed a place to go so it's like that wore that anxiety, you had that trauma, and it needed a place to go. So it's like that wore away, for lack of a better term, your emotional immune system. So you had a cold.

You had that big trauma. And then when that little door opened, aha! Like Sonic the Hedgehog shows out running around. It had just been chilling on vacation for like 20 years. But I didn't know what mine was. The first one i got i no fucking i was just but also let me say this is why i said i thought i had a panic attack on an escalator and that's what people were like you had a mild panic attack how is that mild i don't

know the story terrified apparently you a lot of people felt like they were having literal heart attacks even went to the hospital and stuff like that i I knew I didn't need to go to the hospital. I just didn't know what the fuck was going on. Okay. You know? Shit, then I had mild. Like, I didn't go to a hospital because I wasn't going to go? It doesn't feel mild.

That's what I tried to explain. No, it feels just trauma. Especially when you don't even know. You've never had this. No, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't. My thing was I- Where were you?

The first time it hit me, I was in apartment in new york and how old are you i gotta be i'm gonna say i'm 30 okay you're young yeah 30 um and i had a corporate gig for affleck in jersey all right so i had to go do that because i remember i got a bit more i ryan i don't know what the fuck triggered it, but I, holy shit. And I'm sitting there going, did someone dose me? You know, I didn't know what it was. Just literally out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. It was shaking.

I wasn't aware enough to know what was going on in my life where, oh, this must be a reaction to. Like, I didn't have the tools to come up with any kind of reason. But I knew I had to do something. I was, like, nervous. I had to get out of the apartment. I went to the gig. It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I drove to the gig that was there at 8 o'clock at night.

Feeling like this? Yeah, because I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to get to that gig, and I was so nervous. I guess I latched on to work. I'm going to lose the gig. I drove to New Jersey. I was there at 3.30 in the parking lot. For an 8 o'clock?

For an 8 o'clock gig. For Affleck. The fucking duck didn't even show up yet. There's nobody in the parking lot for an eight o'clock for an eight o'clock gig for affleck the fucking duck didn't even show up yet there's nobody in the parking lot they're not even set up i drove back home again because i didn't know what to do i'm like okay now that i'm here i needed to give myself an assignment to do something because i didn't know what to do and i was terrified and the gig went fine nobody knew but inside i was screaming inside it it was like, and all I heard was Pink Floyd. You know, the lunatic is in your head. Because it felt like that, it was a distant kind of feeling.

So I want to ask you about that real quick. Because for me, the saving grace for me has been the stage. It has not mattered what I've been going through. That amount of time, whether I'm up there for 15 minutes or an hour, it all goes away. Yeah. But you said you felt it during that performance. i did what is that like how do you even fucking concentrate on what you want to say i can't even imagine feeling what i felt on excuse me that escalator and trying to be on stage i don't know how you even pulled that off it was it was a distant

feeling it was i was watching myself do it i was gonna say you feel disconnected and you're out there disconnected out there but it was like i wasn't and i was still able to work the crowd and stuff um so you're present i was i was present there i was here yeah but i was watching that guy do it here right and and and then what really helped me after that was listening to my act because i audio tape everything listening to my act and um i was listening to my act because I audio tape everything, listening to my act. And I was talking to Dana Gould about this. And Dana said, oh, you became a character in your head. Because when I listened to my act, I went, oh, that's who I am. Because you don't know. I didn't know who I was.

I don't know if you experienced that. But I didn't like I'm fucking lost. I don't know who I was. But listening to my act, I went, oh, that's who I am. So and Dana pointed out that I became a character in my head. So that kind of gave me something to hold on to yeah he's one of the smart guys yeah he's a little bit and i said i gotta miss the big words i remember i had him on um a while back on the or i did his show actually and um he i saw him years ago in this vol station wagon, and I saw him on Laurel Canyon.

We're both going down Tulane, and it's creeping traffic, and I see him talking into a little cassette recorder, and I was like, oh, my God, he's doing what – that's Dana Gould. He's doing what I do. I put my – you know, those micro cassettes back there. I got all my ideas on this, and he's doing it. I thought, man, you're on the right path, and I go do his show,

and I'm like, man, this was years and years ago. You had that Volvo station wagon. He's like, look out in the garage. He still had that shit, dude. I loved it. I go, that was the one right there. That was it, bro. I was driving.

When I was on Top Gear, I would get these press cars so I could drive them for a couple days. Yeah, you offered to let me drive that. I couldn't get there. I was so devastated. It was a Mustang. It was a Shelby GT350. I was like, dude, get over here. I got it for three days.

I'm devastated. So I'm driving when the CTS-V came out, the Cadillac, right? They sent me to Coop, and I'm driving it. Wait, real quick. When you get that Bronco, let me know. The new one? Yeah. Let me know.

That looks fun. The other thing, I don't know about the front face of it, because it looks like it's surprised it's back, too. Like, hang on. The headlights are just too big. Hey! It's their new, like, they're getting rid of, well, I have the Edge, and they're getting rid of that for the Bronco.

But I'm like, you're leaning way into the off-road shit right now. Big time on that. But they're going to do what they do with every Mustang. It's going to be different variants. You're going to get nine different types you can have. Family Ford Bronco. Yeah. So they're going to do all of that.

So I got the CTSV. And I like Cadillacs because look at me. Let's be honest. And my wife. And this is the CTSV. I think at that point I'm going to say 640 horsepower supercharged. I could be wrong on the horsepower. But it was nice.

It had a manual transmission. And it had the MagneRide in it. Ferrari actually took the MagneRide from GM, which is, you can adjust the, there's fluids in the shocks. And you turn a dial and the metal filings, there's electrical current and metal filings in the fluid. And it stiffens up the suspension. In the car? In the actual car. Just a switch?

Yeah, just a thing. You put the electrical charge in and the metal filings stiffen up the suspension. So I'm driving and my wife is like, it's a Cadillac. And I said, yes, it is. And she's like, you know, it's an old man's car. I said, honey, look, I know you think that this is an old Gindaloon's car, but this is a luxury coupe sports vehicle. This is a performance vehicle here.

At that moment, we're going down Beverly Boulevard. Joe Pantaleone pulls up, lowers his window, and says, so do you like it? That's a commercial right there. It's a commercial. Joey Pants. I'm trying to convince my wife I'm not an old gindaloon. And this old motherfucker pulls up and slays it. I go, why did you have Pavarotti ask me for a ride?

But it's amazing who you see out here. Yeah, it's amazing who you see out here. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's just, you see people, like, I can't believe sometimes, especially when we get, just doing the podcast and just seeing people in the wild is just amazing to me. I saw Cameron Manheim at a Bed Bath & Beyond, and she helped me with my SAG insurance. Nah. Because she's on the board. I was just talking to her. So in getting the panic attacks,

I wanted to ask you about this. Did they come back? Did they recur? After you helped your daughter and you feel like you had closure, did they come back at all? They haven't only because I've stayed away from heights

and flights you know mine came back i'm built but i'm not saying i feel like when i start flying again they're going to come back because flying is i also realize it's control and but also with that i realize how absurdly ridiculous it is that, you know, there's nothing. I'm not going to walk up to that cockpit and be like, move, guys. Get the fuck out. You know what I mean? Like, there's nothing I can do. And I don't like that feeling of being at someone else's mercy, you know?

Well, how are you dealing with all this shit? Because when the pandemic hit, here's what I learned. Because of my crazy, I'm kind of aware of my crazy now. Because what that panic attack did to me is it opened a door of me being, I got to fucking fix this. Because I was still working and I was, they started getting bad when I was on, I was on tour with Leary. We were doing a Rescue Me comedy tour. And I'm on a tour bus and I'm getting panic attacks. I don't know what they are.

And I don't know if you know this. There's a lot of cigarettes on the tour bus. There's no compassion. I can imagine there's a lot of nicotine. Not a lot of compassion on that bus. No compassion. Yeah. And there's not a lot of open doors to talk about.

Your feelings going, Dennis, you got a minute? Yeah. So I actually wrote a joke about it because they said you have to talk about it. That's the only way you get rid of it is talk therapy and doing it. So I wrote a joke on the bus about it and did it that night so that actually kind of helped but um in taking the control of everything when all this pandemic hit it actually helped me because i went oh look i can't fucking blame myself for this i can blame myself for a lot of shit but i can't blame myself it is but don't don't you think i tried that i was in i was at the improv in

chicago March 15th before they shut everything down. And I got on a plane the next day and it's all shut down. You got to get home. And in my head, I'm thinking to myself, my crazy head just went, look what you did.

You did. Yeah, in my head. I caught myself thinking. I said, I wanted to be home. I wanted to spend more time with my wife. And I'm yelling at myself. I said, I meant series regular. I didn't mean global pandemic.

Don't hang this shit on me. I would have taken recurring. Anything. Special guest. Fuck. Give me every four episodes. Yes. But that lack of control actually helped me because being comfortable in uncertainty is what I've been trying to do now.

Because there's no fucking control. We don't have any fucking control. I've been talking about this, too. If it isn't the funniest thing as a comedian to have poured your entire everything into an occupation that some fucking disease bat could just wipe out and that in the biggest joke of all you know like wait i've stressed and given up my family and friends for this job that i can't and do anymore you know i'd say i think about like where's the what's the beer man doing right now you know what's that what's that guy doing right now what are all these people that have careers that

depend on other human beings to be present and around doing around the globe? It's crazy. Jeez, hookers have to learn how to type. Yeah, or just get online. Just pay somebody to get online for them. Yeah, I didn't think of the... Well, it's a new delivery system.

You actually helped me when I first did the podcast. When I first did your podcast, because I just started mine. And I spoke to our mutual friend, Jeff Fox. Yep, Jeff Fox. He goes – Ryan's a good guy. Talk to him. By the way, can I say this? I'm going to say this because I get asked all the time. You ask me too.

Hacks on tap. Yes. For those of you who listen to Hacks tap yes that is my voice and i was telling adam my uh producer jeff fox who works with this as well um said hey would you do this vo for me and i was like yeah he's like a pay a call like i don't need any money whatever it's for you i'll do this for you i had no idea i and i'm saying i should do better research i didn't look up anything i just read this thing it could have been for some, who the hell knows? I knew if it was coming from Jeff, it was all right. Yeah, Jeff's not going to knock on the door. Listen, this is giving opiates to children.

We need your voice. Yeah, right. But yeah, hacks on tap. That's me. I get it a lot now. I have no idea how popular it was. I was listening to you the other day. I went, oh, I know that motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah. Where the hell were we? Oh, no, but I said when I asked you to podcast and the control about how we can't do our jobs now because of the audience. But this is the new delivery system. This is the new. It has to be for now, right? We're all locked up, you know, in this. This is the only.

These are the only human interactions I really have outside of my family that I've been with. This is it. I go home. I stay there. I I've been with. This is it. I go home. I stay there. I don't do anything. I mean, L.A. is a place where you can't do much anyway. It's not like Texas or even down in Orange County where they're 25% open. You can go in places down there.

So I found out about myself that I guess I'm more of um extrovert than I thought I was but I but I I'm still at that point the type of person where I don't I'm comfortable going out to dinner by myself and being around it I don't need to be in it yeah which is what stand-up really is anyway we're not I'm not intimately having conversations with these people in the audience we're entertaining a crowd of 400 500 or whatever it is, and then we're leaving. We don't really, other than a meet and greet with anyone, which now you can't do those anyway,

you're not getting to really know those people. So this way, they get to know you. And then through the Patreons, I'm getting to know a lot of them. But I realize that I do, I am more social than I thought I was, but I have my, I guess, distance and boundary well said when I'm out there in that. Like, I'm still quiet. Well, it's also, let me ask you this. There's also a, not that it's a chore, but there's a work aspect of I'm doing my job.

And my job is to present my art, my artistic, my act to you to make you laugh. There's an energy exchange. And it's also how do I, the heroine for stand-up is the immediate response. Good or bad, immediate reaction. This, like we're recording a couple weeks ahead, so there is no response until this goes out. There is if you're off mic.

Get on the mic! Yeah, you're going to hear that shit, bro. No, but my next question was, do you find this satisfying, the conversation and putting together a picture? Yeah, I do too. Here's the thing. Even during normal times, this was my favorite shit. This is why I like these type of interview shows. I like this.

But I will tell you what's turned the corner for me, and I know you could probably feel it shift with me too, was this homeschool shit. Oh, yeah. When homeschool shit when oh yeah homeschool hit look I'm my first job is as a father and to keep my family healthy and thriving as all parents need to do right now and you know we have a governor who just went to fucking dinner that for his friend's 50th birthday party whose kids are in school has no idea how the rest of us down here are fucking living and trying to still have full-time jobs while still homeschooling now my daughter this is my problem it's not a boohoo thing this is just my situation everyone has theirs

my daughter's sick so she's learning how to read she can't she isn't 10 8 where she can sit there on her own and do what she needs to do it It's have a helper nearby, have someone near, have an adult nearby. You know, they're kindergartners. So half the week I am on Zoom classes helping her do. I'm a teacher's assistant. Yeah. You know, and I feel for the teachers because, you know, the ignorance of anyone to the ignorance of these politicians to think anyone can do a teacher's job is just it's arrogant it's ignorant it's absurd yeah these are you know to have first universities

for four years they go to learn the shit and we're just supposed to be able to do a teacher's job like no i i can't and i don't want to and nor should i so i got qualified but not qualified daddy taught me how to roll this. Yeah, I'm not qualified. I wasn't good at the old math. Y'all went and changed it. And now I don't know how to teach the new math. I don't know how any of this works. What'd you do with the remainder?

What's the remainder? Where's your one? You didn't carry the one? What are you talking about? Do I got to do everything? All right, let me pick up the one. It's fucked me up. It has put me behind so far in life um like you know i've got

the two shows i'm doing now plus three new ones plus the post-production on these things and notes and working with ash like we're just cranking and it's there's days where i'm like i can't even get back to that right now because i'm in fucking homeschool hell and i snapped a little bit the other day and then i didn't know my daughter's mic wasn't on mute but she's like dad i don't like this i go you know what i'm with you and i support it i don't like it either homeschool sucks it sucks but you know what stella we got to do it we're not those people we're going to do it because we need to do it and that's it but you're right it sucks and i hear this stella please make sure your microphone's on mute i said stella she started laughing i was was like, motherfucker.

I feel like she baited me. She has never not had that mic on mute. But I did. I snapped on him a little bit. Yeah, well, you have to juggle all the balls. Like, look, I'll show you the text. Dude, fucking homeschool. I can't do shit.

And having that pressure, that comes back to control. You have to control that. And you don't have the expertise to control this. And I'm fortunate that I did invest in myself where I have a studio because now it's like – You're going somewhere to work. At least you get that break. I do get to leave to do that. But before, if you're at someone else's network or you're in someone else's studio, you have to go at the time they say they have available. I couldn't do that

having a having homeschooling you know i have to this half of the week it's gone i can't do shit day or night if i do i gotta pay a a tutor and a sitter yeah you know what i mean then i'm starting to hemorrhage money i can't i'm not at a place right now financially where i could afford a tutor every fucking day i can't do it they not cheap anyway. And who wants to come over and tutor your fucking kid during a goddamn coronavirus? Yeah, what's she comfortable with? Yeah, I didn't realize how much I have been in and out of my house because my wife runs the house. You were at the house.

Yeah, I love your place. Yeah, but I can't. That ain't me. You just live there. Here's a check. You stay there. I come to visit my shit. I kiss my wife.

I go out and I talk about my dick to strangers for cash. I come home. Everything runs. She's beautiful. Then at night I lay in bed going going how are you not appreciating this and then the panic attacks like remember me yeah so i got all this but now that i'm home i realized that i'm noticing a bunch of shit and i'm looking around and i and i fucked up i said honey you do it this way what if you do it like and i got the look and i just went look i know

how busy you are i'll i'll just tell myself to go fuck myself. So it's one less thing you got to do. So then I leave and I go for every afternoon. I have to put structure. I found structure and order helps the crazy.

that's what I'm lacking right now. That's what's giving me anxiety now is I'm a very structured person. I like da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da. And right now also with, with the way these income streams work yeah it's you know if you get something from merch that's 30 days if it's a sponsor it's up to 90 days if it's youtube it's this it's this so you you can't even fucking figure out where the hell you know then you got your sound exchanges and your you know this album and this and and it's good to have this stuff

coming but you can't even. I can't. I just got to stop saying you. Right. But budget, because I don't know when the fuck it's coming, where it's coming from, how much it is. If. If is a great fucking point. Yeah.

So everyone's got their problems with their jobs right now. And as you know, we are not exempt at all. No. But we're all in the same boat together. Yes. And I need to rerun some fucking movies baby i but i also you asked me i find this um therapeutic i find it relieving i find it this yes i mean i get to sit and talk to people and and it's nice you know we're not just

not that i'm not enjoying talking about this because i haven't for a while we don't just sit and talk about the coronavirus. People are coming in here. I think a lot of people are even more in touch with that shit right now because they've got so much fucking free time. Well, yeah. The other thing is now that I feel more pressure with all this free time to create stuff. So I'm reading. I'm trying to keep, again, the revenue streams.

My new album came out. That did great. So I'm still plugging that. And then I'm reading that Shakespeare wrote King Lear during a pandemic. I wrote six dick jokes. One of them has a mask on. That's very Thespian of you. And I'm like, what am I accomplishing?

What am I going to come out of here with? Now I got the pressure to that. I needed to read that fucking thing. But we also have to keep doing what we do. You know, like I still go to, this actually happens. You go to therapy on Zoom? No, I haven't done Zoom. Have you?

Yeah, a couple of friends of mine have, yeah. So now it becomes, it actually, Ryan, it became more. I mean, the honeydew with y'all is my therapy on Zoom. Subscribe today. There you go. That's it. Anytime you work in a plug like that, you're seamless. Five bucks a month, but if you sign up for a year, save off a month of plus of free episodes.

See that? Yeah. That's great. I went, so I go to therapy on Zoom, and it's more of a, because he used to go on air season, and I've seen this guy for years. Now it's more of an intimate experience for me because I'm in his home. So he's talking to me. I'm looking at Zoom and I start

thinking, he didn't read those fucking books. All the ones behind him. Yeah, he had the books. He's got a 4K in his office. I'm paying this guy way too much. Yeah, look at that. He took the fucking kids at Disneyland last year. Is that when I was having my heart attacks? I see the fucking kids at disneyland last year is that when i was having my heart attacks i see the fucking date on that screen no wonder i couldn't get you so i'm looking at this thing and he's talking to me and i internalize everything so i beat myself

up and i i respond rather than i react rather than respond so it's just that emotional thing now i've learned that that reaction is valid that instinct is valid respond. So it's just that emotional thing. Now I've learned that, that reaction is valid. That instinct is valid on stage. And it's valid in acting, but it's in your life. You want to come from choice and you want to choose how you want to be. And that defines your character,

all that shit, right? So I'm talking to him. And in the middle of it, he said, Adam, the key to your therapy is to not, is to come from choice, like we discussed. And at that moment,

his wife yells, Marty, the dog shit on the stairs again! What's your choice, Marty? Marty goes like this. What are you going to do, Marty? Excuse me. He covers the camera. And he goes, I'm working, Rita!

The shovel and the bucket are in the laundry room. Give me a freaking break, please. Adam Anger's corrosive. Corrosive. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Manscaped. Now, listen up, fellas. 2020 sucked. It's almost a new year, which means new balls with our sponsor, Manscaped.

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Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah. Yeah. But that's the thing is to keep going. We were talking before we turned the mics on about doing gigs and stuff.

I had so much fun at this gig in Pennsylvania. It was outdoors. It was cold. Everyone showed up in their own hood, their jackets. People want it.

They're hungry to be entertained. They sent a tent, a heater. I'm on stage. They made a plywood stage. I put my heart into that fucking show and I had a great time.

People were hugging. Human beings overcoming together. I put my heart into that fucking show and I had a great time. People were hugging. Human beings overcoming together. I'm grateful that I have the capacity not only to notice that, but to let that in and to enjoy that and to give back to that energy. So that's one of the things I look for in that. In what we're going through now.

And it helps. It helps if you can identify positive and allow it in. Because I wouldn't allow it in. One, I felt I didn't deserve it. And two, I didn't trust it. Italians don't. I just talked about all the guilt.

Plus, you've got all the family bullshit thrown on top of Catholic guilt. I mean, all the guilt of don't touch yourself. Don't do this. Don't, don't, don't, touch yourself, don't do this, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. And it's like, man. And someone asked me, it was my guest Chelsea Skidmore, she said, do you still pray? And I said, I don't anymore. But I used to. I used to pray every night when I was in bed, but mostly because I felt like if I didn't pray, then all my dead relatives, my dad, my grandma, I would be letting them down. I would somehow not be sending this blessing to overlook them and keep them protected in this heaven or wherever the fuck they are. You were coming from fear. Yes.

You were coming from lack. And guilt. All of it. It's all guilt. All of it oh it's all guilt all of it but fear of letting them down or you know this bullshit that you carry for years and years and years and i don't mean to say that religion is but for me it's what it became and i just couldn't take the i needed i needed something to be connected to that was greater than myself.

My wife taught me that. I looked at her and I just went, holy shit. I better lock this up before this kid changes his mind. So I felt connected to something greater than myself. But you grew up a Catholic kid, right? Oh, yeah. But did you go to church a lot or were you holidays? His thing.

My father sat me down, right? And he never liked herd mentality. He never liked mob mentality. He never liked that at all. But he was a practice, my father. He said, listen, you've been baptized. You made your confirmation. You made your first communion.

All your paperwork's done. Yeah, I got it too. I got all my paperwork. In case. Just in case. We got it covered. Yeah. All right.

If you want to go to church, you can go on Sunday. I'll be here watching football. Adios. Yeah, that's my thing. Yeah, that was it. But the... What I'm discovering when I set out on my... I started meditating because with the panic attacks came the meds. They put me on meds. Yeah. So now I'm on meds. It was funny.

I go to see the shrink. He goes, what are your symptoms? I go, my symptoms are this. What do you got for that? What do you got for that? So they give you the Xanax at night. Oh, it's 5 o'clock. Adam gets his pill. Which is nice.

I make it to 5 o'clock. And then they gave me the antidepressants, which is fucking horrible. I threw them away. And I met my wife, and I remember thinking to myself, this woman makes me feel better than these fucking pills. So whatever it is, that's working. I'll go there. So I was medicating and stuff, and I knew it wasn't right.

Um, so I was medicating stuff and, and I knew I, it wasn't right. So I had to throw, throw all that stuff away and learn how to meditate to just get control of the mind. Cause I realized it was the mind and get control of the thoughts and disconnect from the thoughts. So I read the books. That's what I learned. Yep. You're just letting your mind run away from itself. Yeah.

Like, whoa. Yeah. You know what it's like? It's, I always, I always liken it to uh when i was uh you you watch your thoughts but you you're sitting there looking at your thoughts going look at these fucking idiots yeah you just let them ronder around but you we i didn't know not to identify with my thoughts not to go into the thoughts so when you could i have that separation now with meditation and and in med and studying to get better and in reading text and stuff

i went back to the quotes that they tried to teach me in Catholicism, and I realized, oh, it's the way you fucking taught it to me that made me feel bad. And it was, you know, he's dead, your fault. Yeah, he did this for you. He died for your sins. I'm like, what did I do? What did I do?

I killed Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. Why Jesus is going to do this? That's a lie. You happy now, sickler? You motherfucker. You fucked it up for everybody. We told you not to touch it.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it. This is on you. Oh, my God. But in reaching that stuff and realizing, like you said, future thought and stuff and doom and the depression from looking back in the past and regret. I read something that really just where it took me out of the anger I had towards the way it was taught to me. You know, lead us not in temptation, but deliver us from evil. But that's future. What is the the it is future that's future and delivers from evil is past there's no present stop with this stop with the stories and just tell me what is the i feel like there was this addendum to the um what our father that i never really knew but i

would hear it at other Catholic churches. But it was not, it's, you know, our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. The kingdom come, the will of thy Son, and the will of thy Holy Spirit. Leaves not temptation, deliver us from evil. And then what is it? For thine is the power, and there's a, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, is that the King James one? I don't know. There's like this extra one.

Anytime you're into thines and shit. Yes. Thousand thines? That's King James. Yeah. I don't know. There's like this extra one. Anytime you're into vines and shit. Yes. Thousand vines? That's King James. Yeah. I don't know, man. It was always this.

I always went like this. What kind of church do y'all go to? Our Father who's in heaven, Harold is his name. I thought his name was Harold. I did. Harold is. Jesus H. Christ. H stands for Harold. Dude, if you're not saying that on stage, you fucking need to.

I am now. That was, you fucking need to. I am now. That was true. My father goes, Jesus H Christ. I go, that's Harold. It stands for Harold. He says it right there in the prayer we say every Sunday. Oh, I was so... Church was terrifying for me because I didn't understand it and I

thought everyone else did. Yeah. And I was like, fuck. It's so somber. It's so somber it's so serious it's so boring for a kid and to understand and and the need to like don't you feel that don't you feel jesus no no i gotta turn around shake this sweaty guy's hand behind me and fucking tell my name and wash your ass. But I didn't, when I started meditating and then just reading about what that is, because the basic, what helped me was the breakdown that someone taught to me was the human condition is suffering.

Welcome. Yeah. Negative thoughts causes the suffering. Remove the thoughts. Remove the suffering. Meditation is the key to do it. I'm like, oh, it's a practice. It's like going to the gym. I can separate now. So now in looking back now,

I was like, oh, that's what that means. So I put down my resentment towards the fact that I didn't get it. And I thought this was all my fault. And I disconnected from the control issues of any organized thing makes you behave a certain way to fulfill an agenda. And I could look at it from a place of, oh, that's what that meant before it was twisted and taught to me the way it was. So there's an appreciation for it, which I think helps. So tell me your worst, at your worst attack, what was it like? And where were you? What was happening?

Well, I was getting them on. Sorry, real quick. Your first one started, you said, around 30. I was about 30, yeah. And then how often were they coming after that? Well, this was during a time where I wasn't where I was supposed to be, but I didn't know that until I looked back. Yep.

So inside. Very well said. Yeah. Someone was looking like, I'm going to keep knocking until you open his door because we live our lives going forward and we learn by looking back and I didn't know that I thought you were supposed to know this thing as you were going

it's like friends, our age I got a friend of mine, he's our age he's dating a 22 year old girl he's like I don't think it's going to work out I go stop thinking, it's not going to work out enjoy it while it lasts it's not going to work out enjoy it while it lasts accept it it's not going to work out he's like

but I have feelings for you it's not going to work out you're at the point in your life where you're talking about the past and this lady doesn't have one she don't have a past her past was breakfast after you get passed.

She's got everything to look forward to. Your shit's over, bro. You're on the back nine. And her story was, I had the oatmeal instead of the eggs. Yeah, that is the truth. That's it. So in being able to look back and go, oh, that's why that happened and that's why that was happening to me or that's why I didn't notice what was going on is a better way of doing it. And what I learned was there's a – with lack of control, but there's a place to sit where you can observe that now.

And I flicker in and out of it you know I'm like oh okay I don't have to respond to the stimulus I can go oh that's what that means like when I talk to my wife she doesn't want to tell me you know she'll tell me about what what's going on I go she wants to be near me and this is what it's about I don't have to solve it because I'm fixing everything and when I'm in that mode I'm like I give me the bottom line baby I I gotta paint move buy something what is it, baby. I got to paint, move, buy something. What is it you need? She just wants to hear the story. You know, she wants

to connect with the story. So that helped me a great deal by, and I can enjoy my wife more. How long have you been married? Jeez. It's got to be almost 12, 15. Wow. 12 years. Because we lived together before that.

So it's like it was, it's all a blur after a while. And then there's the markers in your life. Like my dad, I think we talked about my dad last time I was here and he got ill and he died. So I know that he got ill in 2006. He died in 2010 and that's the marker. But we've been together so long that what happens with me, with my wife, now knowing this, there's a whole new appreciation for it. I'm like, oh, okay. Look at – and she does the podcast with me.

So now she's creating with me. It makes these times a little more, not palatable, but easier not to conquer, but a little less fearful and more like, all right, what can I make out of this? I mean, that's, you know, mostly it was the confusion at the beginning of all this. Is this going to be a month to, you know, they didn't know what the fuck was going on. They still don't know. They still don't know they still don't know so at some point you gotta you know grab yourself and be like all right what are we gonna do here how can we fucking do it yeah i tell them we gotta keep going that's it we gotta eat today why we gotta shit tomorrow yeah that's it let's go yeah and you just keep going this this is actually like because i i know you have to be strong for your daughter.

And you do. We've had to talk to you before. You're like, you know, I'm going to take care of this. This motherfucker. I'm not going to have the child that I had. No. Your job was to give her a better life. And I do that with my wife.

You know, I see her when she's spinning. And she sees me when I'm spinning. So when I said, honey, look, people have lived through these things before. And we're going to be those people. This is just what we're going to do. The money's going to come. The money's going to go. We have to have confidence in our ability to overcome, and I love you.

Then I go in the bathroom. I shut the door. I look in the mirror, and I go, I don't know what I'm doing. How long is this shit going to go on? Fuck. Yeah. I have those private moments. Fuck.

A shower is a good spot for that. A shower is like they can't hear the tears over the water. Yeah. You going for another walk? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I've been saying I've developed a weed smoking habit on top of my weed smoking habit.

I got my afternoon, my weed walk. I habit on top of my weed smoking habit. I got my afternoon, my weed walk. I make sure I got my work day done. And then it just, I allow myself time to decompress. And I go, a magic hour. Like, you know, sunset's a little earlier now. So I'll walk down to the beach because by the beach, it's beautiful. All right, get your ass back to work.

I go back to work yeah but you got to take the time to empty the machine out otherwise the panic attack any any chink in the armor that anxiety is going to rush in and blow it all up so if you can control not control but observe your thoughts i don't know if i told you know what helped me is I changed the word think to notice. Tell me. Because think makes you identify with your thoughts. I think. There's an ownership tone and kind of command to that word.

I think me. You know what I noticed? Notice puts you back. So you're observing something. So you're observing it. The word notice. Versus actively thinking that you're watching something. Because you don't it. The word notice. Versus actively thinking that you're watching something.

Because you don't have to. Notice gives you that half a beat to connect to it from choice. So give me an example. All right. I noticed that guy's, he's always angry. You know what? I think that guy's always angry. He's an asshole.

I noticed that guy's always angry. Always an asshole. I noticed he's an asshole. Dude, that's such a better way to say something right just hey i noticed you're an asshole instead of i think you're an asshole i think you're an i notice you're an asshole that is such a better way to insult somebody oh i'm at 47 i'm throwing that in my arsenal there you go i noticed you're an asshole. Have you ever picked up on this? It just struck me.

I happen to notice you're an asshole. I've never seen this before. Dude, that is so good. Is this new? I've noticed you're an asshole. Have you done something with your hair? No, I think you're an asshole. I'm just... Oh, God.

Oh, man, that is fucking... God, I can't wait. I might randomly upset somebody today and just use it on them to get it out of my system. I can't wait to say it. I had a whole thing yesterday. I have not popped off on somebody in quite a while, even with stupidity, whatever. Yesterday, I'm at the drive-thru.

I get a large unsweetened iced tea. It's all I'm getting. And I'm at the pay window, and they got the guy. He must have had a special order. They said, pull up to that space right there. But he's right in front of me. And I can see he's having words with a young kid that works there. Right.

And the kid's like, whatever. And he walks away. And I hear that guy in the car. He's got a Jeep Cherokee. He goes, what's your name? And then the kid doesn't say anything. So I get my drink, and I'm about to pull out. And this dude backs up.

And, I mean, he pulls within an inch of me. So I can't move. Right. And, I mean, he pulls within an inch of me, so I can't move. Right. And, I mean, the drive-thru window's right here. I can't get out of my car to go. I would literally have to climb into the passenger seat to go out that door to come around, which I didn't think looked very masculine, to be honest with you. If I see the dude do that, I don't know if I'd be threatened.

Or the other way around. Coming across. Tripping on the seatbelt out of the car. Move your car, goddamn it. That's a damn child seat. Struggling to get out like a clown going to work. I was like, I'm stuck here. And I'm going, move your fucking truck. And the guy's not moving.

I'm like, move your fucking truck, dude. I got to go move go and he's like i asked for the manager i go you can pull over there and talk to the fucking manager so the manager comes to the window she's like what's going on i go this asshole has blocked me in i can't leave i just want to fucking go he's like i want the manager go move your fucking truck i'm blowing the hornet shit but i can't get out i can't do anything and then finally i'm like get out are you the manager she goes yeah i'm like you get out there and deal with this dude so she goes out and makes him leave and i

just pull up and he's got his window down i go hey and he looks at me i go i can i don't know what's going on here but i can tell you're the fucking problem and i just drove away but i wish i could have said hey you know what i noticed you i wish i had that yesterday I wish I had that yesterday. I wish I had that yesterday. That is such a... I feel like people have to process that. Wait, he noticed it? What is it? What is it about me that you've noticed

that triggered that response? I had a guy... Oh, God. I had a guy the other day. It was a guy. I had a guy. Oh, God. I had a guy the other day. It was a guy. It was a woman. She was driving. And there was a guy next to her.

And I was coming out of the bank. So the car is here. There's no directional on. And so this lane is open. I had to make a right turn. So, you know, it's not a marked street. And there's no light. You know, Wilshire, when you hit the wrong side street on Wilshire, there's no light.

You're like, fuck, I'm here for a day now. I'm here for an hour and a half. So I'm here. So I go this way. They were making a right, but she didn't have a direction along. So I just did this. I made the right. And she went to do it.

I guess she, oh, she didn't know I was there because it was a blind spot. But I had no indication that that's where she was going. Pull up to the light. I'm in this lane. Now she's here. So she's here and I had no indication that that's where she was going. Pull up to the light. I'm in this lane. Now she's here. So she's here and I'm here. And she's through my passenger window. She rolls down the window.

She goes, really sweet move. She's yelling at me. She's like, you know what? And she's an older lady. She goes, would you do that if your mother was in the car? And I went, my mother knows how to fucking drive. Her eyes. Her eyes.

And the guy sitting next to her. He loved it. He went like this. He went, oh, you can see. He didn't want to laugh. He didn't want to laugh. He couldn't laugh. But he was like, tell her again. Say it again.

I'm a hostage. I actually felt bad because she thought it was just some civilian. She wasn't like, you know. She had no idea. She had no idea. We're who we are. Oh, my God, dude. You know?

Because that, you know what that is? That's the response. That was, I didn't think about that line. That was, it's a heckler. Boom. Boom. You're done yeah that's it and then the guilt comes in after that the guilt that you could have said some

better shit why did i say this why did i say my timing was that far off i got six other lines i could have pulled up to that guy yesterday just hey you know what i know you're a real asshole yeah i can't i might call my brother and say it today just to get it out this just i want to put that into my fucking vocabulary that's funny so what's the answer do we have one to what feeling better i mean look whatever here's what i honestly think it is whatever works for you whether it's therapy meditation both whether it's walks yeah you know whether it's fucking long drives i don't know i don't know what i yeah i do too i don't know what the answer is for each person but you know the answer is you got to keep moving forward.

You can't let the fear hold you back. You can't cancel flights and work and opportunity because you fear something that isn't even happening. You know, for me, too, I would have to. The good thing I found out was that I'm further ahead than I thought I was. She's like, look, if you can rationalize with yourself, you're already way ahead of most people if you can sit there and go okay look you're on an escalator you're gonna be you know she's like you're so far ahead but you know figuring out what it is why it happens and then moving forward is the only thing you can do if it's medication it's medication yeah it is i'm not shitting on that no i know you're not i'm just saying it wasn't right for me right i had taken some before a while ago and i took it for like six months and

there was nothing there was no change and i got off of it um so but i'm i i you know i'm not opposed to it no i tried them all in fact i uh i have uh add did you notice? No. Okay. A little bit. But when they gave me, it was Adderall. It wasn't Ritalin because I went. And it's not like I think I have it. Halfway through the test, I couldn't focus. The doctor's like, yeah, I think you got it. You got it.

So he gave me the prescription. And it's counterintuitive because it's amphetamine. And it fucking expands. It was $120. I'm like, a month? No, $120 for this prescription, for this thing you gave me. I said, what? He goes, I said, it's a salt-based amphetamine.

He goes, yeah. I can go to Port Authority and get a bag of whites for $30. A bag of whites. Yeah. What is this shit? I don't need a fancy thing. So the counterintuitiveness of the amphetamine, it just worked for my ADD. It focused you.

And when I discovered, when I got a panic attack, the last one I got was on Top Gear. And that afternoon, I drove a Ferrari. Yeah, tell me about this. So how are you not getting panic attacks on that show with the speed and the danger and all this? Well, that didn't trigger it for me i i i don't think i was evolved as you knowing the triggering incidents it was more of a free-floating thing um so that's the the issue is i'm sure there is a triggering incident but my awareness isn't there yet so i don't know so we're shooting i think we were utah somewhere something triggered it

at night it usually happens when I go to sleep so I can't sleep so I get up as soon as I try to fall asleep the fight or flight mechanism

kicks in and I gotta get up and you know I'm like the guy at a boogie night you know wanna play some baseball there's a Chinese guy

throwing on firecrackers so I'm tweaked out so we got to shoot this thing where I'm in a an F12 Berlinetta Ferrari I got to do a speed run

it's 212 mile an hour car I think I've never gone 200 miles an hour fastest I've gone to that point was a buck 80 in a

yeah what was that Lamborghini Superleggera okay the Gallardo Superleggera so I got this it's fucking stunning this car and I'm doing a speed run and I hit Lamborghini Superleggera. The Gallardo Superleggera. So I got this ride. It's fucking stunning, this car. And I'm doing a speed run. And I hit... As I'm doing it, I'm talking to the camera.

I'm going through the gears. And this fucking thing is just like... This thing is just sex on wheels, baby. And it just unleashed. And I remember sitting there going, come on, get up and run. And it just started taking off. Around $1.40, car starts getting light. you can feel it coming up uh and i'm calm i was ryan i don't know what it was the adrenaline whatever it was i was just calm and i just kept pushing it and i i hit around a buck 87 and i my ass sensed the speed wobble which which is like dead. So I hit a buck 88 and I ran out of run.

There was a brake cone. They put a cone up. We have to start braking here because you're going to run out of hit the brake cone at 188. I wanted to go 200, but I couldn't get 188. And I was the adrenaline rush. Calmed me down. So I made a mental. Let me ask you this question.

Yeah. If you were a passenger in that car. Shit myself. Yeah. Would have shit myself. I feel like the control aspect of my hands on that wheel and foot on the gas would make me feel better than sitting next to you while you're doing that. Even if you were a NASCAR driver and overqualified to do that shit. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I think you're right. that shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think you're right. You made a mental note, you said. The adrenaline calmed me down. So I don't know what. So you're telling me I should jump out of the fucking plane? Let's get a car. I'm just going to parachute up to the front.

I notice you need to swim with sharks. Listen, I ain't going all the way to Jersey. I'm going to St. Louis. This is good. This is good. This is good right here. See you on the ground. I got a squirrel suit and shit. Love you, Night Pants Nation.

Wow. Yeah, no, so I noticed that that adrenaline does. Maybe it's a wiring thing. Maybe there's a counterintuitive. I don't know. I haven't gotten any since. Yeah, that's what I wanted to ask. So you've had a handful of them, but you haven't gotten any since what?

Since how long? Since that, I'll say 2015, 16. So four years. About four years years i haven't gotten any since um my meditation is is kicked in because what i've learned because i started you know like you're on the road late at night wayne died a ball guy comes on and tells you if you breathe right you'll get a series you can manifest shit so that's how I started. And then I realized that, oh, it's that wanting. It's that needing. It's that self-seeking and achievement for salvation. There's no achievement in salvation.

There's a temporary healing. There's a temporary sugar high. Now I'm this. But it ain't going anywhere. It's not built on anything. So the key is not to want that. They're nice, and you want to do the best you can for your family and experience life, whatever it is.

A buddy of mine told me, here's fear, here's love. Life happens in the fucking middle of it. There's no end. Which part of the pole are you on? Yeah. And, I mean, even if you defeat the dragon slay the dragon so to speak it doesn't mean that in five years that motherfucker's gonna be like had a baby yeah there's no end to it there's the enjoyment you can have in the moment and what is

important in that moment and it's moments like this that makes those scary ones better i'll leave here like i gotta go to work after this. I got an interview after this. I'm going to take this energy. I'm going to have a great time. Same. I'm going to just. I always walk out of here feeling great.

Yeah. Sometimes it's just listening to other people and be like, man, glad I'm not that monster. Yeah, I noticed that. I noticed that guy should stay away from sharp objects. Well, brother, thank you for coming on. It's always a pleasure. Always good to see you. Again, please plug, promote everything.

The Adam Farrer Podcast. I'm very proud of it. Please check it out wherever you get your podcasts. My new album is called It's Scary in Here. I'm very grateful it debuted number one on iTunes. God knows where it is now, but it jumped up there. And the Honeydew podcast is one of my favorites i'm happy to be here thank you thank you brother you're welcome anytime um and as always ryan

sickler on all social media ryan sickler.com we'll talk to you all next week I'll see you next time.