The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Ali Macofsky - 12 Steps

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Ali Macofsky! Ali’s parents met at a 12 step convention. They stayed sober for a while but eventually started drinking again and got divorced. Ali shares lowlights about alcoholism - like when her mom got a DUI in front of her school and the time she found out her dad had an affair with her mom before she was born. There’s so much more! SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: MANSCAPED Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with code HONEYDEW at ​Manscaped.com. That’s 20% off + free shipping with code HONEYDEW at ​manscaped.com. What are you waiting for? Go whack your weeds! UPSTART See why Upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes!

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a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at CUDO. Conditions apply. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Upstart and Manscaped. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. welcome back to the honeydew y'all we are over here doing it in the night pan studios i am ryan sickler ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media uh make sure you are subscribed to the youtube page please i said peach um i was gonna say channel and i said peach uh make sure you're subscribed to it you get video

there every tuesday the audio goes up on mondays um and that's where you'll see some really good episodes uh time code stamps they're in the episode you can go look if you're like oh where was that one story? Boom. You can jump there easy. Trying to do things to make things easy on everybody. All right. Patreon is going so good. You guys are, man, the fucking stories.

The fucking stories you all have out there. It's called the honeydew with y'all. And I'm highlighting the lowlights with y'all. All right. So subscribe. And if you think you have a story or you know someone that's got that, you're like, you gotta fucking submit it, please.

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so it'll be a minute sometimes before you get your stuff, and I want to make sure everybody gets taken care of. I know how hard you work for your money, and I know right now in these times if you're even spending it on some night pants or night shorts or some shit like that, I appreciate the shit of you and I want you to know you're going to get it.

It's just things with the postal service are a little jacked up, you know what I'm saying? And then the Santa Monica Music Center where I record every week. If you live in LA or if you live anywhere in the world and you want music lessons, you can get them right here from trained L.A. musicians. They're great. You can do it all online.

Go to santamonicamusic.com. Use the code HONEYDOO. They'll waive the registration fee and they'll give you a free lesson when you sign up for a package. All right? So now that that is all out of the way um i can't thank you all enough for your support if you're new here welcome what we do here is we highlight the low lights i always say these are the stories behind the storytellers and today i'm very excited to have uh here for the first time on the honeydew please welcome ali mccufsky all

right welcome to honeydew i like your Allie McCufsky. All right. Welcome to the Honeydew. I like your little small clap. My little baby clap. You got a bomb on your fucking shirt. I don't want to make too much ruckus. It's okay. I want it to be a realistic applause.

That's what you feel like you would do? Yeah, I'm like, you know. It's a weird time right now. It's a weird time. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. I appreciate you being here for real. And you sent some stories that I'm really excited to talk to you about but before we do please promote everything you want to promote um okay i have a podcast called resting bitch um i don't like the name anymore but that is the name of the podcast why don't you like it anymore

because it's hard to have a podcast with the word bitch in it yeah it's difficult to search um it's difficult to say to friends and loved ones like when my aunt is like oh what's your podcast i'm like it's called resting bitch and she's like yeah of course of course so it's just hard in that way you know yeah and also i want to make merch but i feel like it's always so aggressive when there's like a cuss word on a t-shirt it feels like very middle school like my parents don't watch me you know yeah yeah my parents don't watch me so it's hard but i like my podcast and that's all that matters all right so you can change the name i can't i know i'm thinking about it just do it i don't know i do it but at this point i feel attached to it why every every excuse or reason you just gave is a reason to go ahead and do it no but i mean

there's more reasons it's like i've talked about it so much on other people's podcasts that at this point if people listen to old episodes and they type in resting bitch it's not it won't pop up it'll still pop up really it'll stay on that same feed. If you keep the same feed, it'll still be just under the new, you know. Okay. Maybe I will. Yeah. You should just do it. You clearly want to do it.

Do a focus group. See what your fans think. Okay. So yeah, I have that. And then my Instagram is not Allie Mac. And I talk to strangers on Omegle on my Instagram. I watched you doing that. Yeah.

And also I post like really cute pictures of me. Yeah. But mostly it's mostly cute pictures. Every also I post like really cute pictures of me. Yeah. But mostly it's mostly cute pictures every once in a while. It'll be funny. You just have a good style. I watched you doing Ollie on a skateboard the other day. Yeah. That was fun.

That was good. I am. I've been trying to skate and I've been trying to Ollie and it seems so easy. Like when you watch people skate, you're like, oh, I can do that. And then you tried doing it and you're like oh i can do that and then you tried doing it and you're like i don't think my body and my brain are like in sync right now nothing's adding up my stepson skates all the time and i watch him do these tricks and shit and i was just made me laugh the other day about kids because my daughter um saw some i don't know some damn disney plus show and it was some gymnastics and the kid

flip did a bunch of backflips and she just looks at me she goes can you do that and i just started laughing because kids think you you're an adult you can do anything i was like nah i can't do that even in my heyday i couldn't do that i wasn't good at that i was good at this you know i'm sitting there having to explain her she goes i want to do that i go well if you want to do that you gotta fucking put some time into that like that's work you know you understand work work work she's like maybe i don't want to do that maybe that's a lot just a flip something i'm not gonna be able to do i want you i want my kids to build life skills that they can use in their 80s you ain't doing a fucking round off no you know there's a limit when that shit cuts off yeah you ain't using that you're fucking no elder years it's like cool when

you're in college and you're at a party and you're like i used to be on the gymnastics team and then you do backflips out of nowhere that's fun but when you're at your senior living center and you're like i used to do that everyone's like well i used to do that. Everyone's like, well, I used to fight in wars. That's right. Yeah. And my daughter's going to be like, I can show you how to pick that lock. Watch this. I'm going to teach her real life skills that you can still use in your elder years. I wish I learned stuff like that.

I have to like, I think my transmission's fucked up on my car. It might be. I don't know. And I always call my dad for car stuff. And I'm like, I wish I just knew and i didn't have to rely on him but let me give you i'm gonna defend you you can't work on a car these days it's intentional when i went and leased this one car like it's got 23 computers i'm like what are you talking it's a ford what are you talking about you can't change the oil in your driveway on these cars anymore or

do brakes anymore like it also avoids the warranty and the blah blah blah and all this bullshit you know so your dad how old your dad he's 62 yeah your dad grew up in a time when you could work on a car yeah so he does he knows about cars because you could take them apart and work on and it was wasn't much in the fucking engine back then now you can't so you're you're all right don't feel like inadequate because you don't know car shit because they're in the fucking engine back then now you can't so you're you're all right don't feel like inadequate because you don't know car shit because they're in the dude out there right now that does either unless they've been training in these new facilities and all these damn dealerships they're pretty much up in like silicon valley yeah making a microsoft probably yep chips in

the computer we can do this and this look at the teslas i know they're too much working on that you ain't you ain't pulling that out in the garage you know just put it up there on a sunday and changing your fucking i mean a sunday and changing your oil you know that ain't happening do teslas even run on oil no no electric i think yeah i don't know i'm not smart enough to know any of that shit that's's saying. But I want to get into stories with you because you have a list of some stuff. And I want to say this too. It's every time I see you, you always give me the best hugs. You've always been so fucking nice to me.

And it's, it's, I asked you today how old you are. Cause how old are you? 24. It is so nice to be accepted by, you know, comedians who are alive almost as long as you've been doing comedy so that's really nice to be i appreciate you because you're a positive influence well you're always nice i mean i try and you're not like a creepy dude you know because there's people who i'm like i'm like i'm sure you're not creepy but i don't want to hug you you know like you just like like i don't think you're creepy but you feel

creepy yeah and so i'll do like the side hug but you're like such a nice dude and i don't even know how i like actually actually i do know how i met you i think we met at um brett banta's house show oh yeah that went on the news you know that that went on the local news a lot actually they ran that on local news out here a lot people would hit me up and be like hey i just saw you on on the news i'm like from what and they're like this house party show like you broke into a house they spun the story i remember that yeah you killed the family that's where we met yeah yeah and then i saw you at the store and then yeah but also usually i let the people hug me first. You know what I mean?

Like, I don't try to just press up on everybody. Yeah, that is a weird move. Yeah. But I also hug equally. I actually, I would say I hug more guys than women in stand-up, for sure. I just, I'm a hugger. Yeah. Not these days.

Yeah. Do you think hugs are over? Pretty much a wrap for a lot of people, I think. I'm still doing it. Yeah. Do you think hugs are over? Pretty much a wrap for a lot of people, I think. I'm still doing it. Yeah, I'll hug you after this. We'll hug it up. With masks on. I just think hugs are so important to life.

I am struggling with this whole school thing right now because we're homeschooling, as is mandated by the state of California. And I'm not a fucking teacher. My daughter's only in kindergarten, but I'm not a fucking teacher my daughter's only in kindergarten but i'm not a fucking teacher so i respect you i have a lot of friends who are teachers i don't know how they're doing all this shit but the one thing i'm really bummed about is um and also proud about as a father i'll just be straight up here um we had this little you know she was in tk last year i grew up it was pre-k but it's transitional kindergarten it's like if it's all because of the way the her birthday falls it's an age thing like

well you could stay in preschool if you want and pay all that extra money or you can go into a half-day public school transition for uh basically what was supposed to be kindergarten in school and is now homeschool transition them right into my home. So we had this little meeting with the teacher where they tell you about your kid and everything. And she's like, look, you don't have to worry about anything. Your daughter's killing it. And she goes, but I want to tell you something. She's like, your daughter is one of the nicest kids I've ever met.

She's like, your daughter, if someone gets hurt, she goes right over to them to make sure they're okay she'll give them hugs i i straight up started crying that's so sweet i was like and now i think about that shit like these kids are missing out on that sort of interaction especially at a young age like once you've had it for a while, you know how to be hopefully nice, you know how to be kind to people. But these younger, like real young kids are missing out on, you know, also they're missing out on watching kids get in trouble or themselves getting in trouble. I don't want that shit again. Yeah. You know, it's so it's like good luck to any parent right now who can keep their kid not distracted in the comfort of their own fucking home. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And so many people. All your shit's there. Yeah. And so many people don't have like a home environment where it is like comfortable or safe to be like learning or have like the means to do that. Absolutely. And you have three or four kids. Do they all have computers?

Yeah. How the hell are you helping all these people plus a lot of these people still have to go to work yeah like out of their home so how on the fuck are you paying to how the fuck can i afford it to it's it's a crazy time right now we have to figure out something um but i don't know what the fuck that is and i will give all the credit to the teachers and the staff and everything. They've done a great job at setting all this up because nobody really wants this. Yeah. But it's what has to happen now.

So I think they've done a great job. But I think this country is about to get a lot fucking dumber. I just with all of us educating our fucking kids like, nah, man, we were supposed to do this one time. I've been all the way through public school and college. You don't want, trust me, I'm trying to tell everybody, you don't want me teaching. No. My daughter does not.

I'm trying to make a better person, and I don't mean by being a physical teacher of grades in my home. That's going to be trouble. And there's something about being disciplined by a teacher. That's what I'm saying, yeah. It's so different. Way different. Because like when you see your teacher, you like respect them.

Or at least I did. I was like, these people like they're different than my parents. Like they don't love me. So this is like just how I treat them and how they treat me. Like there's no like, well, you're my mom. So I have to do this, whatever. And so when your teacher's mad at you you're just like this is just me this isn't like because of that thing that i did at christmas two years ago

yeah or this is like just my mom's drinking again yeah it's me at my core getting exactly what i'm saying is the truth and also watching a kid get in trouble and being like i don't want to feel like that that also puts a lot of kids in check, too. You know? Oh, yeah. Good luck getting them to listen. They don't want to listen to us. We're their parents.

They need teachers and coaches and people, good people like that in their life. All right. So all of that said, what was it like growing up for you? Where are you originally from? I'm from Long Beach, California. So I'm not too far from here. parents are still out there yeah i mean i grew up at you know public school my parents got divorced when i was about five years old how many are you one i'm the youngest of three three yeah my sisters are seven and five years older than me so i always say i was

the accident and my mom says that i was a gift from god that's nice and i'm like you're not religious so who but all all same parents all the same parents yeah um but yeah they got divorced when i was five so like my only memories of them being together are not like good like i don't picture them being like a happy family you you know, so when they told me they were getting divorced I was like, this is amazing. I'm so happy for you guys So all five years of your life are just like parent tension. Yeah, for sure It's like me hiding in the closet while they're fighting like it was it I my mom's like my biggest fan

So I always feel bad like talking about the like bad stuff but she's always like talk about the trauma like she gets excited she's like use it all I'm like okay bitch be careful what you wish for but yeah me and my sister would like set up a little like tea party in the closet so every time they would fight we would shut our door go in the closet like have like a little tea party yeah yeah what were their fights like just verbal or just verbal it wasn't like physically abusive at least that i saw or i don't think at all but yeah it was just like verbal fights and arguments i think mostly about money and yeah yeah and then my mom initiated the divorce and they split up and so i would just split custody between the both of them.

But my dad had like most of the custody because my mom is an alcoholic and she was drinking a lot at the time. But my parents actually met in like a 12 step program. They were at like a convention in Palm Springs. So they were just like fueled up on energy drinks and like probably horny as shit, you know? Yeah. So they got together. They're like, let's have some kids. And then after they after they had me they're like we can probably drink and stuff like oh so they were they did they went clean and sober for the years for like 13 years okay yeah so they were both in

a what were they both like before the program no clue i don't know i i but bad enough that they both recognize we need help yeah and they end up meeting there yeah and then they go clean and sober together for 13 years together yeah my dad i think my dad had less time he had like maybe 11 years sober before he started drinking again and my mom had like 13 years sober before she started drinking again um and i don't know at what point in their sobriety they met, but eventually, you know, they had me and they're like, things are different now. We're adults. We can probably drink normally.

And I think at first my dad would get like pretty sloshed. And then my mom was like casual and like fine. But then I don't know what happened and changed. But my mom got like way worse and she would like be super drunk. She picked me up from preschool drunk. She got a DUI outside of my preschool. don't remember this i called my sister i was like what should i talk like i'm it's kind of fucked up this show because i'm like asking my sister i'm like what trauma have i experienced like i blocked it all out i'm like what's traumatic i've some people

say to me like they look at the list of that like they'll email me a list and then they say to me at the end like i've never put my shit in a list like this really wow looking at it like this really is fucking something or then talking about it or or when you hear it back yeah oh my god yeah because you it feels normal see but i'm also sober now it runs in the family so i've been sober for almost five years now and so i'm so used to like talking about all of these things and like you know having other people hear it and then like having other people share their experiences with me and being like oh it's not that bad like everyone has some you know i think when you're going through it at the time especially young you're

like this is only happening to me yeah and it feels normal until you get out into the real world and realize like, Oh my God, shit's way different. All right. So hold on. I want to go back for a second. So your mom starts drinking. What's your dad do for a living?

They're both longshoremen. Your mom too? Mom and dad. My mom got my dad into long shoring. Come on. Yeah. So they still will work together. They've been divorced like since I was five, but they still sometimes will work together yeah okay they've gone through

phases where they like hated each other talk shit about each other and then now they're cool yeah which is nice that's the way to be yeah they like do christmases together now which is weird i'm like who's this for santa's bingo yeah yeah i'm like do you guys want to get back together like what is this it's really weird but it saves me a trip which is nice but um yeah so they got divorced my mom was like always drinking not always she's got a dui multiple i mean it's not a contest but she has like four duis really yeah she loves them out of myers territory yeah she loves them josh out of myers territory yeah she loves them on my birthday my birthday's coming up on my birthday like four years ago i was living with her i was doing comedy and living at her house and i'm like where's mom it's my birthday don't hear from her don't see her and

i know like that's what's fucked up about coming from like an alcoholic home or any sort of like trauma i feel like trauma is thrown around so often but it was a traumatic upbringing in some ways but like i feel like when you come from a chaotic environment as a child like you're just so used to being like something bad is happening like you just know it's like your spidey senses are tingling and so i'm like something's up and then i get a call the next day from my sister who's like, so mom's in jail. She's so crazy. I love the way that she drinks because it only makes sense to another alcoholic, like someone who like really gets it.

She went to the hotel that's five minutes from where we live because she wanted to drink alone. And I guess the air conditioning in her room wasn't like as cold because she wanted to drink alone and i guess the air conditioning in her room wasn't like as cold as she wanted it to be because she probably had the sweat hold on she got a room there yeah she got a room at the hotel just herself that's what i'm saying for my birthday when you she treated herself to a hotel when you said this i'm thinking she's just going to the hotel bar to drink and is going to then leave she got a fucking room to sit in the room and drink yeah that's like that's like leaving las vegas type

shit right yeah so she's just in the room i guess something was wrong with this is four years ago this is about four so she's still getting dui yeah it might actually be five years ago but some somewhere along those lines like four or five years ago for my birthday and i guess she like went to the um desk the front desk and was like the air conditioning is broken in my room whatever like just be drunk i don't know the full extent of it you know there's definitely more to the story but it's one of those things where we just acknowledge it happened and we're like we don't need to know the details she got arrested but yeah so the cops came like did you drive here and so they went out to her car and it was like very clearly driven because i think she

drove to ralph's which was down the road to pick because she gets like big guzzlers of just vodka she i recently she uh she she drank recently and it was like a sad it was a sad drink and i went over to her place which i normally don't do it like freaks me out because I'm like this is not the person I know when she's drinking but her sister my aunt had just passed away and I knew that she was gonna drink because I'm like I don't know how well she's gonna deal with this so I went over to visit her she was drunk but she was like she wasn't fully like crazy yet she was just like drunk mom vibes and she was mixing her vodka with crystal light watching her town she like becomes a southern like alcoholic oh my god yes yes

isn't that so gross it's so weird and she was like i only drink a little bit and i like looked at it and i smelled it i was like this is disgusting crystal light i've never that shit just it's just tastes like poison and she's like she's like i drink so much water i'm like no you drink crystal light that's different it's not the same that's like being like i drink so much water it's like just because diet coke has like one percent of water in it it's not water it's not water it's not water so yeah so that's do you were you in the car when she got the dui preschool i guess that time i wasn't but there was another time you've been in the car when it's happened well so yeah so i had my friend savannah

over at my house i'm in middle school, no. I'm in elementary school. I was pretty young. Well, my sister was taking driver's ed classes. So, my sister's 15. If I'm seven years younger than her, you're the teacher now. Eight. I was eight years old. I got that.

Great. I got basic math. Your daughter's going to do great in math. But they changed it. They changed it. I don't know how to do the new math. Oh, yeah. They changed math.

That's what I'm saying. You want me to teach, but you all change math. Yeah. What the fuck? How do you change math? I don't even know how they change that look i remember my stepson doing i looked at it i was like don't know it good luck bro yeah just pay attention and there's got to be like youtube tutorials common core yeah at this point i'm gonna have to learn all this yeah anyway so i'm eight years old my friend savannah's over at my mom's apartment she's she's got me for the

weekend I'm over there my sister's home too my other sister's at her driver's ed course my mom's like Allie Savannah do you guys want to pick up you know Brittany with me and I'm like uh I don't know like I guess and my sister's like Allie don't go like don't like stay with me hang out and I'm like no I want to go with mom so but did your sister say that because she knew she knew my sister knew but she we it's like this weird thing where we like don't want to upset mom when she's drunk but it's like whatever anyway so i go with my friend savannah we're driving with my mom so your mom's now got you and my friend yeah this is the kind of shit that scares you as a parent yeah okay yeah and my mom's a great woman, but when she drinks, it's not my mom anymore.

Different person, you know? So I don't blame her. She has a disease of alcoholism and that's like different. But yeah, so we were driving. We pick up my sister and my sister gets in the car. She knows immediately. She's like, mom, you're fucking drunk. Like, what the fuck?

Like, let me drive. She hasn't even passed her driver's ed course,. She's like, Mom, you're fucking drunk. Like, what the fuck? Like, let me drive. She hasn't even passed her driver's ed course, but she's like, and she had just watched the video that like, what's the video when it's like, it's the video that they play in driver's ed when the person drunk drives and kills people. Yeah, we watched it. Like red asphalt. That's what it's called. So my sister just watched that and then she goes out to see my mom drunk and she's like,

no. sister just watched that and then she goes out to see my mom drunk and she's like no your mom is driving drunk to pick your daughter or her daughter up at driver's ed class on the day she just raps watching the drunk driving video and then we got home and we realized like what had happened and um yeah so just like many instances of that did you did you but you got her have you been in the car when she's gotten a dui like what happens to you when in that situation i feel like i have but i don't remember i mean i don't know i remember my dad uh there was one time i did i've only seen my dad drunk once um but he was an alcoholic uh yeah i mean he definitely has like alcoholic tendencies like he can be very impulsive and like not like he's like alcoholic but with other things outside

of alcohol like with spending he like spends in excess and like um with food he definitely like binge eats and like has like a very addictive relationship with a lot of things. But I've only seen him drunk once. And we were leaving my cousin's bar mitzvah. And my sister, the oldest sister, she had now finished her driver's ed course. So we get pulled over. My dad's blacked out. You got pulled over. She's driving?

No, he's driving. She's now finished. Yeah. And he he's driving but she's still 15 so she doesn't have her license but she's passed her course way safer than someone who's blacked out behind the wheel so we get pulled over the whole family's in the car cops like what's going on you're clearly drunk and my sister's like i can can drive. Good for her. Yeah. So then she drove us. He let you guys go?

Yeah. Man. Yeah. That is lucky as fuck. And she drove you all home? She drove us home. No shit. Yeah.

It might have been one of the, I feel like my dad probably at a certain point was like, I'm sober now. Let's switch. But for the most part, because we were all the way like, we had to drive a long ways but yeah we made it made it safe um i'm looking at your little list yeah um there's something i guess you found out about your dad and mom oh yeah okay so what was it and how did you find out okay so when so growing up, you know, I'm in school. My parents, they're divorced. It's kind of weird, but I don't feel like one of those kids that's like, everything's fucked up.

I was just like, my mom's an alcoholic. That's a lot to deal with. It hurts. But like my dad's cool. Like I've always, I've been definitely closer with my dad, I think. But then when I was in ninth grade i went to high school in orange county and everyone in orange county is like a christian surfer you know okay and so they were all the like popular kids at school and i was like okay i'm gonna convert to christianity and

start going to like youth group and like really get involved and so that way i can be popular and it didn't work um but i started to go i started to go i was going to youth group every week i went to like christian sleep away camp which is so boring i got baptized and i came back like a bible thumper like i remember getting breakfast with my sister and she was like i'm just so stressed about you know my boyfriend and whatever and i was like well in psalms 3 you carried a Bible yeah i had my Bible with me and i like and she was like i can't hang out with you if you're gonna read the Bible to me and that stopped it that stopped it yeah well also i got a boyfriend and i was like fuck god i'm trying to lose my virginity i mean god is only so powerful until you see your first dick you know that's ridiculous to unwrap all that yeah I was like all in and then I was all out. No, I'm all out.

I want him to be all in. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to get some Holy Spirit in this. So was anyone else in your family religious like that

or were they all like we're just going to accept this? Yeah. Everyone was like you know at least Allie has something. Because I think I was

just all over the place and they were worried about me. I was like a very emo like depressed kid. So they were like if this is what gives her purpose we're happy for her okay so hold on you just said you were depressed but you said you weren't all like everything sucks so what was what was what had you depressed I think I understood that people had it worse and that my situation wasn't as bad but I think I definitely like looked at my situation like with a magnifying

glass and i like played into it because i thought that that would make me more unique like i remember talking to this guy who had a huge crush on and he was into my chemical romance and he wore like red and black only and i was like he's like emo and i was like if i cut myself he's gonna love me and so i like tried it out and i was like i can't do this but i was like oh if I cut myself, he's going to love me. And so I tried it out and I was like, I can't do this. But I was like, oh my God, I just cut myself. Yeah, I was like psycho. Why? Because I thought he would like me.

Okay, so you wanted to be one of the cool kids. You did this because you thought you would be liked. What was that all about? Where does that come from? I think because my sisters are two years apart and they're super close i've always felt really left out ever since i was little and i remember my sister asked me when i was in like elementary school she was like do you even have friends and i it like took me a second and i was like oh my god i don't have any friends like i knew a lot of people and i was always like a social butterfly but i never had like a tight group of friends and so it like just really hurt me and I

think I always looked for validation from guys because my dad although he like both of my parents I think are like great parents I think they weren't as like emotionally involved and so I think I kind of like looked for this escape from guys I went to school with I see yeah so I was like how can I mold myself to be more interesting to this person but what was it about cutting and this guy you thought because this guy was emo yeah and he liked emo girls and i was not an emo girl you know like i didn't have like the side bangs that were like this yeah i only knew the black parade song from my chemical romance so i was like he's you know i have to cut myself and i

didn't make a good intent i don't even think i bled but i was like oh my god i just cut myself and he was like okay and i was like well i'm not gonna do this again but yeah i was like i was definitely like looking for validation and intention and i think like what always from boys from guys uh yeah mostly yeah i think so yeah as opposed to how'd that go um not well not great not great the first relationship i got in in high school i was like we're just we're just together like i don't know if i necessarily like you that much but like i don't want to be alone so it was like a really weird two-year relationship where i was just like with this guy who i did love but only because we were together for so long and spent all of our time together but also you're so young when you look back on these things like

i mean i've got years on you yeah and you look back and you you don't know what the fuck you're doing i mean honest to god all that shit is hopefully practice and error and learning how to be better yeah i mean i look who am i i still haven't figured that fucking shit out you know what i mean maybe i should have dated more when i was younger i don't know but well i think like so when i was in ninth grade and i went through my christian phase before i got into any like actual relationships, praise God. I remember telling my dad, I was like, why? I got back from this Christian summer camp. I learned a lot of things about the Bible. And I was like, dad, why did you and mom get divorced? Because in the Bible, it says that you shouldn't get divorced unless your spouse dies or there's an

affair. And he was like, oh yeah, well, you know, I had an affair. And I had no idea about this. And so I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, before you were born, I had an affair with this woman in Seattle. Okay, so after your two sisters were born, he then had an affair. Yeah. I don't know if it was the only one.

Sure, but this is the one he's talking about. This is the one that's being mentioned. And in my head i perceive that as like i'm not supposed to be born my dad you know knew that the relationship was fucked up and still had me knowing that i'd come into this home that's like not a happy home and i that's when i got like really depressed and i think that's when i like did like get away from church get into this relationship because i felt alone and did you lose your virginity to that guy oh yeah okay oh yeah i waited though i waited i waited you gave up god i was gonna be like did you actually go through yeah for sure on 11 11 11 how about that i'm a big 11 11 so now every time 11 11 comes around i'm like what's blake up to blake he's sweet um but yeah it like really fucked me up

and so you felt like what you were uh you never looked at it like, okay, maybe that affair made them sort of take a long look at each other. And then maybe they were going to really try to work something out. No, I definitely. Well, no, because my dad said, this is the also more fucked up part is that my dad said, no one knows. Don't tell anyone. So now I just have a secret. So now I have this secret. You don't talk about dad and mom what you've never

there's is there any chance you're gonna listen to this well so then okay so then there's this point i think i can said that to you yeah but but your mom knew at this point i don't think anyone knows except for me so why did they get a divorce then it was for financial reasons i believe but he said we got a divorce because i had an affair with a woman in seattle so i'm under the impression that your mom is aware of that fucking lady in seattle and's like, fuck you. And they split. And I'm under the impression that they got divorced for financial reasons because my mom initiated the divorce. When I heard them fighting, it was always financial. So I've just always assumed it's finances.

So I don't even think my mom knows about the affair. I think my dad's just saying, well, yeah, I had an affair. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Shut up. We got divorced. Who cares? But I also had an affair. And so fuck up yeah shut up we got divorced who cares but i also had an affair and so i'm just like fucked up you know i'm like crying in my room

i'm not supposed to be born my life's a lie whatever i've gotten over it at this point i've realized like i should look at it as like you know what a miracle despite all of their problems and issues i was still able to be born and make the most of it, you know? But at the time, I was like, you know, I had no source of, like, relief from any of this. Anyway, I found out, like, only four or five years ago, maybe even less than that, I'm with my sisters, and they mentioned something about my dad having an affair. And I was like, you guys, dad?

You guys know that dad had an affair? And they're like, yeah, we've always known. And so I've just been holding on to this secret, thinking I'm the only one with this knowledge when everyone knew, including my mom, everyone. And they just didn't tell you. They just didn't tell me, yeah. And I didn't tell them. Shut up. Yeah.

That's a fucked up thing to do. Yeah, it's super fucked up. But I love them. Yeah. you're still close with both your parents that's good yeah let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor upstart now during these economically turbulent times everyone is looking for a way to feel more financially secure so if you're still needlessly throwing money every month at high interest credit card debt it's time you checked out Upstart, the revolutionary online lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Now is the time to find out how low your Upstart rate can be

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I want to hear the story about your little solo. Yeah, so when I was in eighth grade, I was in choir. I was in the eighth grade choir at my school. I've always wanted attention. Like I said, I guess that does answer your question. I wanted attention from guys, but I also wanted attention from teachers, from my peers, from everyone. Yeah. And so I'm in choir and every, you know, every once in a while my choir teacher would offer solos.

So we'd have to audition. We'd have to sing a song. And then she'd pick like three people who could do a solo at the performance. And I'm like, I sing better than everyone. I'm a star. She should see that and know that. And like, just give me every single solo available.

And so I get a solo. I'm not even happy because I'm like, it's only one solo. I should have all of them. And my friend got sick and couldn't do her solo so i want to stop you there for a second because it sounds like you and maybe a lot of comedians i don't know suffer from what i suffer from is my self-confidence is fine yeah i believe i can do like you i could sing every one of these my self-confidence my self-esteem does not matter i wish my self-esteem matched my self-confidence yes you know i really

do wish that i try to work on that but what are you gonna do yeah yeah so that's that's important i think for someone who you say you were depressed at times and this and that you still believed in yourself so that's that's strong well i feel like my depressive waves were so like infrequent and it was just i think i was just like a very angsty moody kid because when i was in college i was prescribed to like um lexapro and i was like this doesn't work like i feel really weird like it doesn't make me feel better and i think it was just like the situation i was in I had like no coping mechanisms and I just felt like I couldn't keep up to anything and like everyone knew how to like live and I was just like no one gave me the manual on life and I just felt like I can't keep up like I'm overwhelmed always and like nothing's okay and then now I feel much

better like I feel like I've become an adult and like learned how to do things and like show up for myself and stuff like that. Yeah. But yeah, for a long time I was just like, I need attention. I don't know what else to do. Whatever. So I get the solo. My friend also gets a solo. She gets sick right before the performance and she gives me her solo.

So now I have two. My dream has come true. This is the best day of my life. My dad's coming to the show. He never comes to events, you know. He's at the show. My sisters are at the show. My school is at the show.

I get up and I'm like trying to memorize her solo, you know, because it's brand new to me. So I'm like memorizing it. I know my solo. I get up there i do the first solo feels so good you know i'm in the spotlight i get back to the choir behind me my next solo is coming up and i'm like here we go again no one's gonna see it coming i have two solos i get up there i do not remember any of the words my mind is blank i can't even pretend i know the words i can't come up with something nothing is coming to my brain it feels like five hours song was it a popular song it was

from hairspray the musical i know yeah it's a baltimore it's the song called mama i'm a big girl now no please so everyone's singing that behind me i'm supposed to be doing my little solo and i'm just up there frozen i look behind me thinking someone's gonna like mouth the words to me it's not coming out i i'm choking i'm just like i like i think at one point i like waved for a friend to come over do it no one comes up so i'm just standing out there i'm looking at my dad i'm looking at this kid bobby i had a crush on and uh and i just stepped back into line and I was like so embarrassed after the show my dad brought me flowers oh it was awful that's your first bomb that was my first bomb yeah it hurt my other biggest bomb was uh with Joe Rogan in St. Louis I heard you say this but say it I was in St. Louis like you know in this arena there's

10 000 people or no i was in st paul i was about to say you i was almost about to correct you and say you were confusing how am i supposed to remember i was in st paul 10 000 people i get on stage i'm the first one up i go what's up st louis dead silence no one's 10 000 people being completely quiet hurts hurts hurts how did you get out of it i said what what and someone was like st paul and i was like oh my god yes you're right what's up saint paul and then i just like slowly eased back into it it was not back i did win that's a hell of a hole i did win them back but it was like not a smooth transition i thought i was gonna get burned after the show i thought people were gonna have like tiki torches yeah and yeah so i stopped saying what's up wherever i'm at um i want to hear the story about crashing your car because it seems like

you really for this one you gave up god and went for it huh oh yeah i really gave up god well there were okay so there's two instances where i did this and they kind of go together i um i had money saved up because i was a child star for a brief moment you and what i used to be on go ahead well because i was like there's nothing really traumatic like i wasn't touched as a child by any of like the adults being a child star is different for sure it is different so i called into this radio station really popular radio station in la i ended up getting a job because I was funny when I was talking to the radio host who happened to be Ryan Seacrest at the time and so I'm talking to him I'm

seven years old I'm funny on the radio and then they offer me a job I end up working there for four years making prank phone calls on Kiss FM so I had this like job I got paid for it and so I had this money saved up and I was driving an old car. I wanted to move to L.A. I was driving up to L.A. a bunch from my parents' house. And so I used my money that was saved up to buy a brand new 2015 Honda Fit. All right. Yeah.

And I got it in black. It was so nice. I hear a lot of was. And I saw you didn't pull up in it today we are now driving a 2003 subaru outback um that i love you do love it it's a good it'll make you appreciate a 2003 car after you crash a brand new car twice you're like i don't need anything fancy so i get this brand new car four days later four days after buying it outright in cash four days later cash the whole thing i'm driving to meet up i was at the comedy store

i met some two australian dudes who are just in town they're staying at this hostel i'm familiar with the hostel i've had some hookups there before with a with a rapper a white rapper who go i don't want to say his name because i don't know what he's doing but his name is the name of a magician um he's not good or he was staying at a hostel you know that's how his rap career is going so i've been to i'm familiar with this hostel and hooking up with people at this hostel. So I meet these two Australians. They're there. I'm like, I'll meet you there tonight.

And so I see a parking space right in front. And I'm like, God is good. He's looking out for me. So I make this wide U-turn in the far lane. There's another lane here. There's a car coming. But to me, they look like they're going slow enough and they're far enough behind. They're not. They're going full

speed. I get T-boned. Airbags go off. My car's completely totaled. And God's like, that's what you get, bitch! Yeah, God's like, you have forsaken me. Yeah. On your way to get dick. I have this big welt on my forehead. You know those

bubbles you get when you get hit? I have this big bubble. my forehead you know those bubbles you get yeah i have this big bubble paramedics come my sister's like i'm gonna pick you up you're coming with me like i'm gonna take you home and i'm like no i think i'm gonna hang out with my friends i was still planning on meeting up with them after with the bubble on your head the bubble on my head of my car totaled i was like no i'm gonna hang out with my friends she didn't let that happen um thank god but because i had insurance on the car and it was brand new i got all the money back for it because it didn't lose any value because it was only four days old it was four days old yeah and so i got the same car but in white because i'm like if my car is white everyone's gonna be able to see the car when i'm making illegal u-turns not that you fucked no it's just that my car was black and

it was nighttime and no one could see me doing an illegal u-turn it's the color of the car so i get my brand new car again in white and you know i'm having a great time it's my friend's birthday i go to this open mic that's no longer around we go out to this bar after we're having a couple drinks i'm feeling good how long after you have this car also i'm underage i should say that and i'm getting there this is a brand new car i'm at my friend's birthday i'm at this bar that i shouldn't be at because i think i'm 19 or 20 um i get completely black new car i'm at my friend's birthday i'm at this bar that i shouldn't be at because i think i'm 19 or 20 um i get completely blacked out i'm buying stranger shots i hook up with a girl from an old nickelodeon show that i used to be a huge fan of

i don't know how i get there you know we're on my friend's beanbag couch in his apartment he's in the other room and i'm just hooking up with this girl that i used to be a fan of she offers me an uber um i don't i know where my car's parked at it's at the open mic so i go to my car i remember knocking on the open mic door because the guy who ran it lived there he opens the door he's like that sounds like it was under a bridge like the show we did yeah so i'm like uh hey can i can i crash here and he's like it's four in the morning like you can't sleep here i don't think he realized how fucked up i was because i imagine he would have helped if he knew the situation and i'm like oh no worries i'll find a place like i'm good my car's across the street in my head at this point i think i'm gonna just sleep in my car i don't remember

starting the car but i start it and this is 28 days after i get the brand new car so this is all within a month of yeah honda fits are made by the devil still is not my fault this is god and the devil and the honda company and black paint so i get in my car apparently i'm driving it i have no idea i'm in echo park all of a sudden i hit my car on the center divider of the freeway in silmar of all places no one goes to silmar you're either driving blacked out if you're there or you are happy to be born there you know no one goes to silmar by choice and so the highway patrol comes because my car's totaled i can't drive it off the freeway i've tried nothing's working i'm like trying to

find water or gum in my car my sister's like just don't say you drank whatever you do don't say you drank so the highway patrol comes to move my car i don't really remember but when you hit the center divider in a blackout all of a sudden you're not drunk anymore like you're pretty sober minded so cops get there i'm like oh like i'm a comedian and i'm always up late and i'm just so tired i fell asleep they're like do you know where you are and i'm like i think i'm in santa monica and they're like you're in silmar and i'm like same thing tomato tomato um so not close not even close at all not even literally the distance is ridiculous and they should have arrested me they should i should have had a dui and carried on the legacy that my mom created and uh and i was sitting in the back seat of the car and they're like okay can you get to the front seat and i'm like i know my rights my friend's a lawyer i don't have to do anything like you can't test me and they're like

we just need you to go in the front seat and i was like this is a trick and then i got in the front seat it was fine um my sisters picked me up at denny's and they took you to a denny's yeah well the the highway patrol um once the car towing company got there, they just had me go with the car towing guy. And the car towing guy was meeting my sisters at the Denny's in Selmar. They came to my rescue. And when I got in my sister's car, they were like, you reek of alcohol. And I had to go to my cousin's baby shower the next day.

Or wedding shower. So they let you go, totally. They let me go. Completely. So you said you've been cleaning sober five years yeah or sober five years yeah what what got what what age did you start drinking i started drinking well i was drinking like in eighth and ninth grade but once i got into that relationship i'm sure my drinking would have gotten worse if i wasn't in that relationship because when i was dating that

guy blake we just kind of like hung out together all the time it was like very codependent and um and so I didn't like hang out or party or anything like we just watch movies and have sex in my jeep you know um at the duck pond so that's all I was doing and once I got out of that relationship I was like I'm not a virgin anymore like nothing matters and so I went on like a big dick spree you know i was like who wants this i'd go to house parties i'd be like you you we had economics together what's up with you math social studies like come on so i went crazy wow one time i hooked up with the white supremacist from my high school. This is insane. This is the...

Ash, you're hearing... This is the third white supremacist story we've had. Yeah. Whoa. They're hiding. They're hiding. Apparently, they're everywhere. They're everywhere.

You didn't know you hooked up with him? Well, I knew I hooked up with him, but I didn't know he was a white supremacist. Right. That's what I mean. And it was two guys in one night in high school both white there's this one guy mark i don't think he was a white supremacist um but then there was this guy west who was the white supremacist and when i left the room yeah he was sitting with my friend sadie because i was like getting changed or whatever and sadie's like hey west did you know that ali's jewish and the look on his face

i would do it again i would do it again he was horrified yeah yeah oh my god he was like what have i done yeah so it was like beautiful but also god that's gotta feel like shit you just had sex with a guy for sure like but i'm also half jewish so i'm like it i don't know i feel like does it count fully like if he tells his like white supremacist friends are they disappointed in him you know because he's disappointed himself already and then his friends are probably like you couldn't even do a full jew you know so i'm sure there's probably some shame from that i think he has a family now so you did you start drinking from your parents stuff or did you go no i think it was just from like leaving that relationship and not knowing who i was i

mean early on when you first started eighth grade you said were you drinking what your parents had in the house or were you getting it with your friend no i would do it with my friends like my friend would go on camping trips with her family and her family were big drinkers so i had to get fucked up with them and my parents kind of always let me like do my own thing they were like just call and check in so I would just be like at people's houses for days on end you know so I would be at my friend's house we'd like go camping we'd do whatever and we'd just get like fucked up together and then my senior year of high school I started drinking a bunch then I crashed the car everyone's like worried about me and they're like you should take a break from drinking and i'm like okay and then i couldn't take a break from drinking like i just like wanted to keep doing

it i'm like i don't get why i have to like it was just an accident like i didn't kill anyone like i'm fine like no one's hurt i just don't have a car like i just didn't understand that it was a big deal and so i just like kept drinking and it kept being the same thing where i'd be like well i'm not gonna get too fucked up and then i'd get way too fucked up and so then eventually i was like okay maybe i do need to like stop and i kind of was like i'm just gonna stop drinking for a year and then you know i'll see i'll reevaluate but once i stopped i realized like my life was actually a lot better and i was like focusing more on comedy and less on like which open mics had bars and stuff like that.

So you really you would plan your comedy out like that. Yeah, I would plan my open mics around like, oh, well, I'd rather go to this open mic that's at the bar than the coffee shop. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I never even thought of that. Yeah. So, yeah, now it's been like almost five years of not drinking. That's good. Yeah. I'm happy. I mean, I bet your old senior class sounds like they were happy, too. We had economics together.

I know. That was enough. I just went to my friend's wedding, and it was some friends from high school who I hadn't seen in a long time. And there was this one guy who I had such a big crush on in high school and i remember when i told him i got that boyfriend i thought he was going to be jealous and be like no come with me like we were always meant to be together and i was like yeah i have a boyfriend and he was like oh i thought you were a lesbian for you i'm one girl from nickelodeon and you're also and you're yeah i know i know but anyway i've changed a lot i could have boned all of them at that wedding i didn't i kept it in my pants all right you kept it in your i'm a grown woman i found god again

it's just not a Christian God. In your Subaru? Uh-huh. What? I don't know what to ask you about all this. It's so much there. You're drinking at so early, but you'm sorry your friends parents were drinkers and they would let you guys drink so like eighth grade they're letting kids drink i think we

i mean am i understanding yeah i had i definitely underage obviously yeah for sure i mean i had this one friend whose mom was always like pilled out so she'd get a lot of alcohol i had this other friend there were like a lot of people who like came from families where they like really liked motocross and i feel like motocross homes just like have lots of alcohol around for children at least in my experience that's just what i've had you know that's just what i've seen those parents were much uh more pretty lax about it yeah but also if you're pilled up you don't you're not paying attention so it's easy to steal yeah like we would have like co-ed sleepovers because the mom would be like out somewhere and it would yeah and her older sister would pretend to be the moms when the parents dropped off the kids she'd be like yeah like this is my daughter nah yeah how much older yeah her her sister was in high school but they were

both really tall her sister sarah was like big like they played volleyball they were on crew like they were big tall women so i don't think my parents personally went to the house and like met her but like on the phone on the phone she'd be like yeah and then but i remember other people's parents would meet her and we'd all be like in the other room like listening to see if it worked and it worked so what so after the second accident that's when you said fuck it i have to clean my shit up no i mean that was kind of the beginning of the end but it was it where you finally said all right oh yeah okay so so i started going to aa meetings because i was like if i go to aa meetings like people think that I'm doing better. That didn't happen. I was just going to meetings, whatever.

So I was like sober physically for like three months. And I had booked a trip to Europe. I was living at my aunt's house. And this was before I stopped drinking. I was like taking shots of Jack Daniels in my room at my aunt's house. And I'm like, I'm going to book a flight to Europe. Like that's what adults do. And I just thought that that's what you do so i booked this flight i was like i'm gonna move there i'm gonna do comedy there i'm gonna be old enough to drink

out there and like be again with thinking about yeah wow yeah i'm so glad that this all happened the way it did because it would have been so fucked up if i had moved there i would have just not been doing comedy and probably just like drinking and partying so i booked this one-way ticket to london and one way you were convinced huh yeah so i booked this one way ticket um drinking jack daniels i'm sober for three months but my trip's coming up you know i forgot that i had booked this trip so i'm like okay i'm gonna move to london and do stand-up and i told my friend alex and i was like i'm moving like it's all happening and she's like so you have your visa and everything so you can live out there and i was like i'm gonna get it once i'm out there like i'm gonna work at a coffee shop and get a visa and she was like that's not how it works you have

to like get the visa and then go and so i was like oh so it ended up being a three week trip and when i got there i think the first week i was still sober and then the second and third week i was drinking again it was bad i was waking up with strangers from australia in my hostel what is it about australians it's dark i i do not like austral men. They're dirty. And they're diseased. And they scare me. They scare me. You're about to get beat up by the Australians. No, I'm sorry. I love Australian guys.

But it is a dark road I go on with them. You love them. That's your thing, huh? It might be. I don't know. I don't know. That's all you just go. And hostels.

It's always the hostels, huh? It's always the hostels. Everyone's horny in hostels and poor you know you're just ready to have a baby in there so i come back home and i'm like i need to get my shit together this keeps happening and can i ask you too like are you never once ever worried about being raped or robbed or beaten when you're when you're you know i've learned so much talking to people especially women about like i've said it before but uh my friend recently said to me like do you ever fear any woman you walk by on the sidewalk and i was like no yeah and she's like but we fear every fucking

guy almost all of them can take us yeah and i'm thinking if you're already at that disadvantage and now you're rendered helpless, have you never not been worried about that happening to you? No, because I think I like had this. I think when I'm drinking, I have this attitude of like, fuck it. Whatever happens, happens. And I have this confidence and I'm like, no one's going to fuck with me. Like I'm on top of the world.

Like I really think that I'm just like the best, you know, I best like that self-confidence yeah like i can't be stopped when i'm drinking and like i have all the control when i'm drinking and like that's genuinely what i thought i think just in general it's scary being a woman so i think there's just that base level whether i'm drinking or not like i am somewhat scared i was on the train yesterday there was a dude smoking crack in front of me and other guys like hooping and hollering did he have his mask on no and he was like blowing it out like it was a jewel he's blowing crack out on the train yeah i'm coming down off the second hand crack experience yesterday that is fucking insane it was not i've never seen someone do

crack in my face in the train you're blowing out where other people can breathe that shit in. Oh, my God. I was stressed. Man. Yeah. But when I came home, I was like, okay, I need to get my shit together. I'm going to drink normally. I'm going to drink responsibly.

So still drink. Still drink, but just get it under my belt. Drink like an adult. Drink like a lady. Don't drink like my mom. Have it under control. And so I'm moving to LA November 1st, 2015. Yeah.

November 1st, 2015. I'm moving to LA. Halloween's the night before. I don't want to miss out on Halloween. I want to go out with my friends. I'll have a couple beers, nothing else, and it'll be fine. So I go out. Someone offers me a shot.

I'm like, no, I'm only drinking beer. Someone offers me another shot. No, I'm only drinking beer. someone offers me a shot i'm like no i'm only drinking beer someone offers me another shot no i'm only drinking beer someone offers me another shot i don't want to turn down a shot that's so rude of me i don't know any of these people like what are they gonna think of me so then i drink and then at this point i'm like well i'm drinking all of their alcohol i run to the store get more alcohol end up getting blacked out, wake up half naked on my dad's couch. What? What are you talking about?

I take an Uber home. I don't remember the Uber, but I was on the couch, and my dad has a roommate, so this is not good. This is dark, you know? And so I just get home. I take my shirt off i keep my pants on and i just get under under the covers and i wake up and i'm like this is so embarrassing like i have to move to la today i'm so hungover i feel awful i broke another promise i told myself i

wasn't gonna break and like this is such a sad way for like a father to see. I mean, I don't. Did he? I don't think so. It's not something that you're like, dad, did you happen to see me naked and blacked out the other night? So I've just like let that go. But yeah, I'm like, this is so embarrassing to like show up and like, you know, just be a mess.

And so the next day I was like, I need to stop. Like, I can't keep doing this. So you stopped. so then i stopped so when people ask me how long i've lived at my house in la i'm like five years or four years whatever months because it was november 1st 2015 yeah wow yeah but i'm glad because i feel like moving to la with you, nothing holding me back in that way has like really helped me to like be focused and like kind of change my attitude and like my life. Well, that's great because this is certainly not a city you think you'd come to to beat alcoholism. You know what I mean? You don't think, I'm going to L.A., God damn it.

And the comedy, to get into comedy, man. I remember one time being so coked out with like two friends who I don't think. Wait, when did coke come into all this? Oh, it's always been a constant. Like my senior year of high school, I started doing it. Why? Because my best friend at the time had coke and knew the people who had it and didn't want to do it alone so she'd

always offer it to me so I'd always do it with her and we had a really great time and I never like knew anyone who sold it so that would have been bad because I probably would have been like real bad but just whenever someone had it I would for sure be doing it but I remember I was super coked out and I was walking by the laugh factory with my friends and we were all in the parking lot of the laugh factory and we were like one day my name's gonna be up there i was like this is my town like this is the best version of myself and then yeah it was i was working at lemonade the next morning just like still drunk being like i'm gonna make it in this town and then a virus comes around

wipes it all out anyway it doesn't even fucking matter yeah but i think you know i think like uh being on lockdown or like covid and pandemic and everything no not for me and i know that like a lot of people are struggling right now because it does feel like what's the point but i think for me at least like it's been a really nice time to like kind of just like do a regrouping. It's like, what do I want to do? Like when this is over, like how do I want to come out of it? And it can be easy to like lose sight of that and like just say, fuck it. Like I'm just going to indulge in like the shitty part of myself.

But for me, I'm like, why don't i like learn a new hobby which is skateboarding and like you know oh so that's new for you you haven't always been skateboarding no i've i thought you're just trying to get into tricks oh wow all right yeah so i've just started skating because it's something that i like have to work at to improve on and it does the skate community feels a lot like the comedy community like the skate parks like the open mic or some things you like see all your friends and um talk shit together and so that's been really nice and also just being like what do i want to do when this is over like how do i want comedy to go for me when this is over but i think yeah i think if i was still drinking it would be like a mess you did a lot of crazy shit but what stands out what's the most what do you say is

some of the most craziest things you've done that you actually remember when you were drunk i think like the hooking up with two guys in one night in high school was a pretty standout moment for me i gotta ask you you mean at different times like back to back yeah yeah one and then i kind of took my pick at the other in the same house in the same house in the same bedroom left and no no they knew they were both like aware of it they were like friends like this ain't gonna happen at the same time but one of you has to go second i was like do rock paper scissors we'll sort it out we'll be in and out in a minute yeah i was like running a brothel for myself. I was self-employed. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I did go to a brothel in Tijuana sober and got my coochie eaten out. No. Yeah. With Ari Maness and Jamar Neighbors. We all went to Tijuana after a show in San Diego. That's exactly what I did. I did a show back in the...

I didn't get my pussy now, but I, I, um, I did a show in San Diego back in the day at the place called fourth and B and it was a, like a, sort of like a house of blues. It was a music venue, but on certain weekend nights, he didn't have an act. They'd have comedy and they paid well. They gave you a hotel and I took a friend of mine. I was like, we're going to go down to Tijuana after this. And that's what we did. We walked over, got a cab yeah went to a strip club five minutes away yeah it

was fucked it was you know it was crazy and then went to the massage parlor after that yeah where um i've told the story before but long story short my friend's like i'm gonna pay for two for each of us and i was like look i'm not having sex with a product. I'm just not like, I'm not judging them, but I just don't want it. I've never had a disease. I don't want it. I'm not paying for it. You're not going to gift me a disease.

Like I don't want any of it, but I'll go back there and we'll see what, what we can do. And the second girl comes in and I'm telling you, she has a mustache like hardcore, like more than this hair on my lip right here and i was like nah and she's like but your friend paid i'm like i don't care you're off tonight take the money it ain't mine see you later and i was like get the fuck out of here it was not a good time but anyway your story you went to tijuana yes similar experience we all

agreed that if the guys got girls then i would also get a girl okay and i didn't know what to do you know i haven't had i had that one drunken lesbian experience but i haven't you know my mind's not super aware of all the possibilities and she doesn't speak english very well so i find this girl who the guys are so horny they're like every girl in here so hot i'm like you guys are blinded you know They're like, every girl in here is so hot. I'm like, you guys are blinded. Yeah. You know? So I'm taking my time finding this girl.

There's one who's super cute. So I'm like, okay, like, let's do this. She's like, what are we doing? Like, I'm so confused. I was going to say, I wonder how many women down there get female customers. I don't think many. I'll bet you. Yeah.

No. I might be one in one. You might be the first story. Because she was like. Just one time. I might be one in one. You might be the only one. I might be the only one. Because she was like. Just one time. She kept looking at her boss like am I being pranked? Like are you serious?

Like does she want to? Like. And you're only doing this because of an agreement you made or you want this? Because of the agreement I made and also because I was like this seems like it could be a fun experience and a good story to tell. All right. And like you know. And it's not like. Like I wasn't doing it to be like, ha ha, I got her. I was genuinely like, let's see what happens.

So we get into this room. And I speak like beginner Spanish. I'm like, como estas? Like, panoche, por favor. She's like, what do I do know I'm like she's like what do I do I'm like no say I said

I said do what you would do like a guy so I'm like como you know niño or like como hombre and then she just started spitting on my pussy spitting on it yeah you know yeah just some spit and then she just like jacking me off and then it's

and brothels in t1 does she use dental dam no she doesn't use anything she just goes down on you and starts yeah and she went down on you yeah you gotta be the one girl you gotta be i mean maybe there's threesome couples maybe you know but not just a girl no that can't i mean also you might be the only solo i wonder how many female customers come in the fuck her the establishment yeah rolling in solo yeah i don't know it's weird though because when i tell people i went to a brothel and when i was being told i was going to a brothel in my head i'm like it's going to be this dark dingy place but it's essentially just a strip club where you can go move to another area and like hook up with people and so they're playing but it's in tijuana like there's not like a live dj who's like spinning

great tracks it's just like top 40 hits so at the time i was there i was getting my pussy eaten out to adele's hello yes i swear to god i swear to god yeah so i'm just like it was the weirdest experience yeah it sounds like it yeah oh my god i hope my mom is listening to this i'm gonna send her into another binge drinking i don't know one i wish i did but i don't know one woman that's gone to a prostitute or a sex worker whatever you want to call them to be pleasured not one and that's i mean maybe they've gone to men for a little one of masseuse

or something but i don't know any that i know of they i might know them and they just keep that shit tight-lipped but not you, girl. How was she? I'm not like other girls. How was she? It was not enjoyable. You sure? It was not enjoyable.

Hello wasn't getting you over the top. No. It was so awkward. I felt so... She's spinning, kicking on it. Stop it. This is how you suck dick. I had this ethical crisis after.

I'm like, am I a problem? I'm like, but this is her job. It's rude of ethical crisis after I'm like, am I a problem? I'm like, but this is her job. Like it's rude of me to assume that she doesn't want the job, but maybe she's like forced into it. And I'm just like, I don't know. I had this whole cry,

but I would do it again. You would. Yeah. You changed the music. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe have a better person. Yeah.

Just wear your earmuffs. Yeah. I think it would be fun. I wish there was like a brothel with dudes. Actually, that would actually scare me. I don't think I would do that. This is what I thought you were going to say. I thought you were going to say you got a man.

Was there even a guy in the fucking thing? There's the guys who like get the money for the girls and stuff. I see. And who like kind of conduct the show. Yeah. And are like the bouncers. Yeah, it was wild. I'm glad I made it out alive though.

Yeah, I mean again. And like without any sort of STDs. Yeah. like the bouncers yeah it was wild i'm glad i made it out alive though yeah i mean and like without any sort of stds yeah even with all of these stories and all the australian hostel hookups and things like that clean as a whistle you're lucky i think it's gonna hit me randomly i'm gonna be like 70 and be like i miss gerald yeah pop up all over you. Yeah. Wow. You're something else, girl. You're I mean, you're pretty goddamn fearless. Yeah. I don't know a lot of people that would tell that shit. Yeah.

I mean, I just feel like I don't know who you are. I love it. I love it. It's the first time I imagine it's the first time a lot of people are here. And so really. Yeah. Do you know any other woman that's gone and done? No. Right. You don't even know another woman that's done that but that's why i like sharing crazy stories is because i don't care you know like i did it i whatever

nobody got hurt but i also like when other people are like i did the same thing well you have to let me know if you get hit up by some ladies that are like nah i went by myself the one and had a woman or whatever i'm curious me too and now i'm really curious what if it's like the new like underground thing when you're like no no actually more women go you're like what no way i know what if we like find some dark truth about the brothels in tijuana and who goes there there's a picture of you on the wall down there smiling or something and and they're like no this is the one it's so sketchy they probably do have cameras in there i'm sure they have cameras in there um all right we both have to wrap this up and get out of here so i'm gonna ask you a question i'm not gonna forget we've covered everything on that list and

then some you did not put um getting my pussy eating at a tijuana brawl on your lips. That seemed more of a high lie than a low lie to me. Didn't cross my mind as something sad. That is so well said, girl. Alright, I always ask first time guests advice they would give to their 16 year old self. So, after everything we've talked about now, knowing where you were at 16, what would you say? I would say

be confident. Know that things are gonna work out don't be selfish um think about other people than just yourself and what you need and what you want and just like show up for your life all right i like that show up for yourself you said that earlier and i like that i think it's very important that's powerful to show up for yourself fuck yeah stand up for yourself yeah yeah i'm with you on that whole don't just fucking i've never been that oh you should just be i'm just happy to be here i'm not i work to fucking be here i'm not just happy to be here so you can shit all over me i worked hard to be where i am so good for you um will you promote again anything you'd like to put out there? Resting Bitch Podcast. Soon to be, possibly soon to be.

Something else. Who knows? We'll see. And then Instagram at NotAllyMac. All right. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. For coming on.

Yeah, you're great. You're great. You made me laugh hard a lot. I like your laugh. You have such a good laugh. That's nice of you to say. There's a lot of people that disagree. Really?

More that agree, but there's definitely some. What? Yeah, there's some iTunes reviews out there. Oh, my God. Your laugh is great oh my god your life is great listen this assholes laugh whatever and then it makes me laugh harder yeah fuck them uh well thank you so much i appreciate you coming on um as always ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media we'll talk to y'all next week.