The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Andrew Collin - HoneyPump

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Andrew Collin! Andrew Highlights a laundry list of Lowlights that includes being stabbed by a navy seal, getting caught with a penis pump, burning down a frat house, a cocaine overdose, losing all of his money, and working as a fish truck driver. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: - Get 25% off ANYTHING you order when you go to https://LIQUIDIV.COM and use code HONEYDEW at checkout. - Head to https://Stamps.com and use my promo code HONEYDEW to get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. - Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at https://MINTMOBILE.com/HONEYDEW. 

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. Want to make sure to tell you ahead of time about some dates. Coming to Phoenix, Arizona, September 16th through the 18th, Phoenix House of Comedy.

I'll be there for a few nights. Come on out. Let's have some fun. This shit's about to be over, y'all. Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel. Please don't just watch. Hit that subscribe button. It means everything to us.

If you've got to have more due, then you can sign up for the Patreon. channel. Please don't just watch. Hit that subscribe button. It means everything to us. And if you got to have more due, then you can sign up for the Patreon. All right. For five bucks a month, you get a honeydew with y'all, or I do the honeydew with y'all, and you get the honeydew, this show, audio and video, a day early now on Mondays, ad-free at no additional cost. It's five bucks a month. You sign up for your year, you get a month free. If you or someone you know has that story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydopodcast at gmail.com. Hopefully we'll get to do an episode together. You know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center,

and if you or anyone you know needs music lessons, hit them up. Go do some online classes. They'll waive the registration fee in the first class when you sign up for a package if you use the code HONEYDOO, all right? Just doing that to help out. They're helping me. I'm helping them. It's all a good thing.

Now, oh, I do want to say Night Pants Nation joggers and night pants all fully restocked. All the joggers are tight. Got a back pocket on them and shit. And they're tapered at the leg. They're dope. You know what we do here? We highlight the lowlights.

These are the stories behind the storytellers. And today, storyteller here for the first time. Very excited to have him here. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Andrew Collin. Welcome to the Honeydew, Andrew. Thank you. I love that you looked up for the balcony. Yeah, yeah.

People always forget about that. You can't forget the fucking poor people up there. It's like Thunderdome, man. You can't forget them up there, man. Hey, man. What's going on? Hey, look. Look at you.

You're here. You know? Thank you very much for being here. Yeah, man. Thanks for having me. Yeah, and before we get into anything, plug, plug promote everything you'd like uh just the podcast so i co-host uh the nikki glazer podcast uh she's a comedian she's okay you know she's you might have heard of her i think i have yeah yeah she was on something you know yeah and uh and then i have my own podcast called puddles with andrew collin

and then uh yeah that's pretty much it we're going out on the road. I'm opening for Nikki on her theater tour come July. So if you go to her website, I should probably put the dates on my website too. Yeah, you should. Yeah, I keep forgetting that I actually have people that would probably go to it. You know when you're coming up and you kind of just start getting some fans

and you still don't believe it's real? I don't know if that ever goes away. people ask me if i'm ryan sickler never do i think they are i'm always like this do i owe this person money like is this somebody is this somebody from the 90s it's back to have some words with me are you coming to take my car yeah i never think that shit's about my comedy are you ryan sickler that shit depends, man. That depends. Who sent you? Who sent you? No, I feel that, dude. I mean, when I had this one dude, this is before I did comedy, when I did real estate

and I lost it. So I made a lot of money. I'm like jumping in, but I lost everything. And my house, I like lost lost my house I stopped paying the mortgage and so this guy the bank like you know sent the guy out after me you know I forget what it's called whatever when you go bankrupt and

every morning he'd show up at my house knocking on the door like hey you know trying to give me the papers or whatever and I was I would go hide in the bathroom and I would just hide and I'd say my excuse was hey I'm in the shower like bathroom. And I would just hide. And I'd say, my excuse was, hey, I'm in the shower. Like, that's what I was going to tell. I got IBS, man.

I got IBS. So I keep going. My Crohn's is acting up, man. So every day I'm hiding in the bathroom. He's like, so finally he goes, I see you going in the bathroom. I see you. He's bathroom. I see you. He's outside yelling. Yelling at me through the window.

Are there neighbors and shit? I mean, this went on for a few weeks. I mean, he was – Every day he'd come up. He probably gets paid per a paper. Does he come on the weekends? I think he took off Sundays. Yeah, okay.

Six days. The Lord's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no, but I mean, that so every time you know someone comes up to me i think it's probably you know a guy like that trying to take my house away you know yeah totally but yeah so yeah no it was uh anyhow but yeah that was um i just yeah it's weird when you finally start getting a little bit of momentum you know yeah? Yeah, well, you are, and it's fun because I know I did your podcast, and I forgot that it was a Zoom.

I mean, it's been so fucking – I've been so cloudy with everything that went on, but I wanted to get you on here. And the interesting thing, and I didn't know this, is that you go back to high school with Tom Segura. Oh, yeah. So you actually played football with Tom, like on the same team? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we were pretty good, actually. We were a small school. I don't know. Tom posted a picture of him in high school with football, and he covered off the letters. I think he could tell you why he did that. I don't think that's up for me, but it makes me not even want to say the high school we played for.

But, yeah, we played. I was a year under, Tom, and I played corner and wide receiver. I was very slow, but I had good hands, quick feet, you know, and I was really small. I was so small. How tall were you then? Bro, like when I was a sophomore i was like five three 110 pounds holy shit like the jersey went past my knees like it was wild yeah wild that and uh dude i remember i started on kickoff team though you know because i had heart you know like i was a kid

coach myers would point at me if you had the heart of colin i was like i don't even think i have that much heart but but okay. And, dude, I just remember being on kickoff team, and we were playing this team, Moorhaven, and I'm running down, and the dude fumbles the kick, and I'm like, I'm going to fucking be the star, you know, my little fucking little Jew legs going, and I fucking get hit. I get hit by this black dude that was like six two probably like 240 bro i flew

more haven if you know more if you know florida football it's glades day like it smells like burnt sugar cane when you get off the bus this This dude hits me. I fly. No bullshit. Like five yards. Like I flew off the screen. So we're watching the video, you know, the next day. You know, we watched, you know, tape. And my coach rewound and watched this like literally like 25 times. And each time, you know, you would think people would get bored. They just fucking.

Laughing harder and harder. They're like, holy shit! How are you? I remember getting hit. How are you alive? I was in the air and still going, whoa. I had time to rationalize. Like, hey, I'm flying.

Yeah. Like, this is pretty far. I'm going far. Because what they would do is on the kickoff team, they would – it was smart. They, like, their second line would switch sides. Like, so you never even saw it coming. Oh, my God. So, anyway, so, yeah, I played football with Tommy.

That was, like, my sophomore year. And he was a big guy. Yeah. He played defensive tackle. And I think guard or center. Guard or center. And, yeah, I just – yeah, I mean, mean yeah he had a big ass body i was telling you he's built like a like an old 45 year old butcher like like just like he had the same exact body as

he does now if anything he's probably smaller now oh yeah yeah he's probably hairier than yeah yeah and uh he got them baby little blue eyes he had a baby face with a butcher's body. So it was interesting. That's great. And, yeah, we were pretty close. I remember after, like, lunch, we'd go into the locker room and just rip on each other. Like, not just me versus him. That's how we became comp. No.

But there would be, like, 40 guys sitting around just fucking. God, those were the days where you would just find out someone's insecurity and just make fun of them in front of 30 other guys and just all laugh and point you know it's also i'm sitting here thinking of myself right now like it's i'm just trying to it's pretty trippy if one of the guys i played with in high school also is in this world and doing well too like that would that's a little that's you don't hear that much no i actually i gotta show you this photo that we have on the sideline. Someone just sent it to me. He was number 69 too. Of course.

Yeah, I was seven. That's why he's a better comic than me. And – Did you know he tells me about Prince Fielder? Yeah. And he's like, Ryan, in seventh grade – Bro. That kid's hitting fucking home runs

out of major league ballparks in the seventh grade and then we go online and watch it and i'm like holy bro his prince fielder went to your school right yeah and he was a hell of a basketball player too this kid was he always big but could move like that yes yeah yeah he was blows me away too when you see somebody like how in the fuck he's a lefty he just fucking dude i remember seventh grade yeah the fence wasn't big enough for him like he just he was just like you think you're an athlete until you see someone like that remember like the first time you see it like an athlete and you're like oh you're like all right okay yeah i should go fucking do origami.

I should go take up knitting because I should not be on the field with these people. I felt that way. I played against Rick Ankle in baseball when I was in Little League. He played for the Cardinals in Little League. This motherfucker. By the way, this team was stacked. They had the O'Brien brothers. Goddamn O'Brien.

You know those Little League teams? Because the coach, they finagle it so they're just stacked. And he was like, he played catcher as a lefty. And he had a 12-8 or whatever, 12-3, 12-8 curveball in Little League that would drop like four feet. And then you were just like, oh like this is a different kind of person completely a different level yeah yeah i mean you saw what he did and i mean you know he kind of shit the bed in the playoffs there but then he comes back and hits 30 home runs a year in the league like wild but uh yeah no and tommy tommy he was a good ball player. He was, you know, he plugged. He was a plugger, you know?

Yeah. But, yeah, dude, we had some fun times. We got pretty far. I think my sophomore year we got final eight in the state. Okay. And that's big for Florida. I mean, Jesus Christ, you know, California and Florida are the best for baseball and football for sure, I feel like.

Yeah. No doubt. Definitely top five. I mean, per capita, I think football. Louisiana, actually, is weirdly like per person. All right. Well, I want to hear. You've got a list of stories here,

and I love that we're not going to go in any chronological order, so can I just pull the top one right away? Yeah, any one you want. This says, got stabbed by a Navy SEAL. It's hard to find. You know when you like, you know, you know when you like something happens to you and for like 10 years you don't realize how bad it was? Yes. Yeah, that was kind of one of those.

So I guess I'll just, so I was a senior in high school, and I was a virgin. You know, I was a virgin prom king. You were a prom king and a virgin. And a virgin. That's fucking the saddest story ever. That's pretty bad. If you're king, you got to get some pussy. Come on.

Can you at least get – can you dethrone that night at least? You would think. Can you get your scepter wet that night at least? Bro. Not even on prom night night at least bro not even on prom night for the king prom night for the king it is sad so i'm just i wore the crown for another three months still didn't get pussy just walking around here g here a here a c whatever i was. Whatever. So I'm a virgin. I'm fucking ready to get to college because your boy needs to get his dick wet. That's the only – I'm not looking at who has the best fucking business school. I'm looking at the place that will sit on your boy's dick.

So I'm all excited. I'm visiting my brother who went to Tulane. And he was a junior at the time. And I'm all excited. He's telling me about how fun New Orleans is, and I'm from Vero Beach, Florida. Nothing goes on there, and then you go to New Orleans, and I'm so excited.

I got my favorite Gap shirt. Got that thick brown belt where you tuck in it into your fucking little FUBU jeans. No, I don't wear FUBU. FUBU jeans. I don't know. Probably more Gap, to be honest i'm not gonna lie and um and i'm it's the first night and i'm in new orleans and i'm all excited i'm like yeah i'm gonna get some pussy i'm still

wearing the crown you know i'm ready i brought it on the flight yeah yeah that went off there in the metal detector it's a little weird but no so i'm I'm with my brother, and I'm sitting there next to this dude, and he's real, like, ominous, like, feeling like he's got a butt cut and dark eyes, like, dark circles under his eyes, like he's seen people die before, you know? Yeah, I know those circles. So I'm just like, motherfucker, I'm so scared of this guy because I heard he's an ex-Navy SEAL.

How'd you hear this? He had it written on his shirt. No, no. He's just one of those dudes that's been around. He was in law school at Tulane, and so he lived with my brother. So he's my brother's roommate. He was like 28. So I'm just like in awe of this guy.

I'm like, oh, my God, you're a Navy SEAL. I'm just like, first hour, I'm in New Orleans. And he's like seal you know i'm just like first hour i'm in new orleans and uh he's like you want to see something i was like yeah i want to yeah what do you got especially if you're gonna whisper it like that yeah he's like you want to see you got real in my ear i'll lower it back but yeah i definitely do want to see some. He's like, I don't know if I should show you then because it seems like you're pretty badass too. You don't want to fight a guy that's like, I want you to go outside. Yeah. You want a guy that yells at you drunkenly loud and slurs his words.

So I end up, I go, yeah, I want to see something. And he opens up this closet and he has guns, knives, camouflage, and he had a bulletproof vest. He had medals in there. I call it the closet of death, you know? Yeah, yeah. And he has this bulletproof vest. I was like, man, you got a bulletproof vest?

That's so cool, man. He's like, try it on. And I was like, all right, yeah. This is in the house where your brother also lives. My brother's in the other room getting ready. He's got an arsenal in this fucking closet's putting on his food booze back there so so i'm fucking freaking out right and uh are you scared like a little bit i'm just like i'm alone with this navy seal whatever and uh i put the vest on and i swear to god it's a true story

and he goes he he was playing with a knife earlier, right? Like this little pocket knife. That was what he would do for fun, you know? And he just goes, doesn't even ask me. He just goes, hey, it's knife proof. And he just fucking drills me, dog. I swear on my life. Drills me.

And he looks at me in the eyes and he looks at me in the eyes he looks at me in the eyes and he goes you're bleeding really bad man he goes I think I should probably call somebody he goes

I think I stabbed you. That's what the fuck they call that. I go, you think? You think? I think I know. I think I know. So he takes the knife out of my chest. It was quick.

But then he goes, I think I stabbed you. And I go. Why do you got to do it over the heart, too, by the way? Because you're going over my right shoulder. You're just as dumb as me, bro. I thought, yeah. That's the scar, brother. A slash would be cooler, but that's the scar, brother.

Yeah, that's the scar. Oh, my God. Scar, brother. Sklar, brother. Yeah. So he stabs me, right? I take the vest off. Did you feel it did you feel my shirt you know that baby blue

my cardigan can never cover all this blood god damn it i'm sending you a bill my mom's not gonna be happy Did you right away feel the point? Did you feel it? You don't feel anything. So you don't feel, I didn't feel the knife go in. It was so quick. The knife was so sharp. But I want to say, you say that's not that big, but that's also after it went through

a supposed bulletproof vest. Yes. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Thank God the bulletproof vest is a little thick. How hard did he fucking go? Hard enough. Hard enough. You got that Bruce Lee three inch punch on you. yes yeah that's what I'm saying thank god the bulletproof vest is a little thick how hard did he fucking go hard enough hard enough

you got that Bruce Lee three inch punch on you like I love those videos the guy's like alright dude we're gonna work on this at home for a while

what I'm gonna do is stay an inch away nah just all back to his chairs and shit so he goes like that

right and so I take the vest off and I think I'm I'm dying like cause like you said I think it's all back to his chairs and shit. So he goes like that, right? And so I take the vest off. And I think I'm dying. Because like you said, I think it's my heart. I think my heart is spitting blood. Like a volcano. I literally think it's just blood. Just right from the heart.

Your brother's just over here in the other room. And you've just been stabbed. He just put his food button up. I go, damn! And so he comes out. I got blood all over me. It is. Gushing.

Blood on. He takes my gap shirt and plugs the window. Again. His fucking gap shirt, man. He's making a turd to get out of it. Good thing we got a long sleeve. So he's plugging it up. He's plugging it up. My brother comes out. We got a long sleeve. So he's plugging it up.

He's plugging it up. My brother comes out. My brother's like, you're here an hour? What did you do? He's like mad at me. He's like, what did you do? So he comes out. He's like, what the fuck?

He's like, all right, get in my car. He's like, get in the Wrangler, you know? So my brother's got this badass Wrangler that I'm bleeding to death in. Sick roll bar shit, you know, badass. You know, big tires. So, you know, if you want to die in any car, you got to die in a cool Wrangler, you know? You don't want to die in a Ford Escort. No.

I'd be like, stab me again. Yeah. So he stabs. So I'm bleeding, right? And my brother's driving like a crazy, like going on like. Is the fucking seal with you too? Seal's in the back. Oh, okay. He's back there to do it.

In case any fucking shit goes down. Yeah. Just in case any Afghan fire starts. It's so hot. He's calling his boys boys I watch all six okay okay okay

alpha team go alpha team go I'm like bitch I'm just dude we don't need all of y'all here

he calls out to all of them they all like you know it's like that movie when they're all like, ugh. Like,

he's at a strip club, like, oh, I gotta go. Like, what's that movie? Armageddon. Like,

oh, yeah. So, our brother's in trouble. So, I get to the emergency room. I think I'm gonna die, right?

I really do. Like, I really do think it's my heart. And, and I get pain in my, in my stomach for some reason. My stomach's cramped. Everything's gonna freak out. Yeah, of course. So, I got pain in my in my stomach for some reason everything's gonna freak out yeah of course i got pain in my stomach so i'm cramping up so bad that i can't breathe i literally can't breathe i'm like i'm like fuck dude and it was hurting so bad fucking just stomach

cramps you know worse than that hit i took sophomore year you know it was bad you know and uh we get to emergency room and I got blood all over me. It's New Orleans, so they're like, yeah, you're the 50th. Give me a band-aid. If you're not shot, you can get in the back of the line. If you gotta get shot with a nightproof vest on,

then you think... We got an old gap shirt or something we can give this guy. We got an old gap shirt or something we can give this guy. It's so funny that they have wardrobe. My friend's dying. Nah, just got to get new. At least put them in some fresh clean. So anyway, so I'm in the emergency room.

I just remember this. I remember the nurse missing my fucking. And that's just like, my brother's like, what the fuck? You can't even get. They're like, don't curse here. He's like, my brother's dying. It was intense. I had blood all over.

I look like Carrie from Carrie. Yeah. The original one. And I got blood or whatever. And she finally gets it in. Are they asking what happened or anything? His homeboy over there, like, I stabbed him. This is the thing. It gets really good. So they get gets it in. Are they asking what happened or anything? Is homeboy over there like, I stabbed him. This is the thing.

It gets really good. So they get the IV in. The doctor goes, well, we think his lung might be collapsed. So my heart, oh, by the way, the Star Spangled Banner is why I think it's my heart. But your heart's here. So your heart's good. If you want to get, whatever. So they think my lung's collapsed because your lung goes all the way up there. Who knew? I didn whatever. So they think my lungs collapse because your lung goes all the way up there.

Who knew? I didn't. So then I go, I'm like, okay, so I'm having trouble breathing. They give me a Valium to relax my stomach muscle. That pain goes away. But then the pain in my chest where all that fucking jacked chest muscle where I benched 225 five times. It's ripped. And so I start feeling that pain. So they give me Demerol.

And then once they gave me that Demerol, boy, I was like, ooh, your boy's in New Orleans down here. Give me a hurricane. Give me a hurricane. I was just like, ooh, boy, give me some beads. Show them titties, boy. It's a half of the attack. I didn't give a fuck that I got stabbed.

I really didn't. I was so fucked up. I was like, oh, boy. Just flying. And I was like, oh, we're down in the French Quarter. So anyway, so then I'm sitting there, and they give me the Demerol. They take the x-ray. They see that it just missed my lung, like just missed it. But they got to keep me there for six hours to make sure, like protocol or whatever.

So I'm laying there, and next thing I know, this fucking New Orleans cop comes in, and he's like 6'2", 250, black cop who's just like— Please tell me it's the kid that blindsided you in football. He gained five pounds he never got taller what a circle to close bro that would have been unbelievable so so he comes in and he's walking and you know mind you i'm from a small town, you know, and this is like a badass New Orleans cop, and you could hear his feet like hitting the floor. And right before the cop came in, the Navy SEAL said to me,

I forgot to say that, he goes, hey, you got to tell the cop you stabbed yourself. I go, what? He goes, I don't want to get in trouble. You got to tell the cop you stabbed. I was like, he's like, and I was like, well, what do you want me to say? And then the cop starts walking. He didn't even have time to go over a story.

Stabbed himself. Seal jump right here. Why do you have blood all over your hands? Yeah, yeah, that guy stabbed himself. So I don't know what to say. I didn't take improv yet. You know, 301, shout out. So I fucking, the cop goes, what happened here?

And I was like, well, officer, I was playing with a knife and a dog. Well, a big dog jumped on me and I stabbed myself. I swear to God, the cop looks at me and goes, all right, well, enjoy New Orleans. Have a good night. That was it. That was it. I swear to God, he didn't ask what kind of dog. He didn't ask like, you know.

You're alive, so whatever. I don't want to fill out the paperwork. You're going to be fine. Yeah. Let's get the fuck out. I got titties to see on Bourbon Street, man. He's like, get this guy a gab shirt. Call it a day. Call it gap shirt and call it a day.

Call it a day. Call it a day. I just think he didn't want to sell it. We're good. We're going to give him a $25 gift certificate to the gap and call it a night. So he leaves, dude. And I'm like blinking. I'm like, Navy SEAL.

I'm too scared. I'm too scared. At the end of the day, I'm just a- Plus, this guy's a Navy SEAL. Who knows the fuck he could do to you? He'll kill the cop. Of course. He will.

He will kill the cop. But if he even asked me if it was a golden doodle, I wouldn't even have known what kind of dog it was. You know what I mean? Ask me one question. Yeah, he would have killed the cop. People would go through the roof. So anyways, my brother goes to me.

I'm about to get stitched up. He goes so i talked to the doctor he said he get you a scar he'll stitch you up get a scar like a playboy bunny i go what he goes yeah you get that playboy bunny scar so the doctor walks in i'm like doc i want that playboy bunny and he's like? My brother plays a prank on his brother that just got stabbed by a Navy SEAL. His roommate. His roommate. Like, I feel like my brother set up the whole thing just to play this fun prank. Just to pay that off. The old Playboy prank.

He's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I was like, all right, never mind. You know, whatever. So he stitches me up. We leave the hospital. And I go to a concert that night. And I knew we were going to go to this – well, I didn't know I was going to go after getting stabbed. But I was supposed to go to this concert because it was my brother's band that he managed.

And we're driving back into Wrangler, and my brother's like, hey, you want to go still see that concert? The band I manage. I was like, yeah, Dan, that's what I want to fucking do after getting stabbed by your roommate who's a Navy SEAL. So anyways, we go to the concert, and the Navy SEAL, I swear on my life, and I already knew this before, but he's in the band. I swear to God on my life, I swear. And he's on guitar, and he sees me in the crowd. It's not like they have more than five people there. And that band is Hoob stank no no no i was

like no fucking way i was gonna go bigger i don't know why i went to the stank lumineers or some shit so so he gets on mic and he's like hey man sorry again there's five people there he's gotta be on the microphone to do this oh yeah well he speaks very low he speaks very low though so he's on the mic he's like hey man you over there 20 feet away so he goes

sorry about the accident and I was like again for the third time I don't think it's an accident it was not an accident. You stabbed me. You straight up stabbed me, bro. Like, like It's not an accident. Can we stop? Stop trying

to make yourself feel good. So mind you, he ends up dedicating the song to me. It's probably like shot to your heart or some shit, stabbed to your heart. And anyways, so I end up, I leave there. And they only gave me like Advil and shit. But anyways, I went to a party the next night at this paint mixer.

And a paint mixer essentially is you go to this frat house, you take off all your clothes and you throw paint all over girls and shit. Is that real? That glow in the dark. Yeah, it's unreal. I never heard of that one in my life.

It's just a way to touch women without asking, essentially. Oh, great. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Back then, it was completely different times. You know. So, anyways,

so I end up showing my scar. Your Playboy scar? Yeah, my Playboy. My bunny to all these girls. I'm taking my shirt off, hammered drunk, being like, I got stabbed, motherfucker. It turns out women, if you get stabbed and it's fresh. Conversation piece, huh? Yeah, man.

So I went home with this gorgeous girl. And we're making out. And then I heard she fucked like five guys or something. So I thought she probably had AIDS. So I didn't go upstairs. Nuh-uh. I didn't go. I could she fucked like five guys or something. So I thought she probably had AIDS. So I didn't go upstairs. No. I didn't go. I could have fucked her

and it would have been the best ending of this story. But it's actually funnier that I got scared of a college girl because she's, you know, you know back then when you're like, oh, she had sex with three guys? What? And now I'd fuck a girl who like, you know, fucked, you know, half of Detroit.

And I'd be like, oh, she's clean. She's clean. She told me. She wore a condom once.om she told me she was i'll never forget a friend of mine he told me he's like i had sex with this girl last night i'm like do you wear a rubber he goes no i go is she on the pill or anything i heard she was i was like hearsay hearsay is the birth control method we're going with here huh fucking here, and who are you talking to? Why is this a conversation? Yeah, Jenny's on the pill. She'll take a cum in her, she'll take the cum. I heard she was, you mean you heard she fucking was. I never, you know what blew my mind one time?

I was like in my 20s. The unsafest birth control method, by the way, hearsay. Is what? Hearsay the way hearsay is what i heard i heard she was on the pill that was a game of telephone it started with don't fuck her yeah and then it ended with i don't know she might be on the baby so i fucking i remember this girl goes i go um i fucked a girl you know raw dog or whatever and and uh and i was like yeah but she asked if I had condom before. So she's clean.

And she's like, maybe she asked you for a condom to protect you from what she has. And that's when I was like, oh my God, women can get like, it always made me think. They can give me shit. Yeah. I don't know why. It's just like I never thought a woman would.

They're so nice. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, so long story short, or long story long for that matter, I go to that party. I have fun the rest of the weekend. I don't talk to him much, you know. And a few months later, I swear to God, I found out the dude was never a Navy SEAL.

I swear on my life. I swear on my life. What do you mean? I SEAL. I swear on my life. I swear on my life. What do you mean? I don't, I just, my brother found out. Just a rack of weapons and stabbing people. He was just into G.I. Joe and he never grew out of it, I guess. I feel like more people lie specifically about Navy SEAL. You know what I mean?

But why reach the high? Why are you lying about the highest one? You got a t-shirt that says the only easy day was yesterday. That makes you a fucking Navy SEAL. Get the fuck out of here, you jerk. Yeah, I'm sure there's probably a Navy SEAL listening right now that wants to kill this non-Navy SEAL. And go ahead. And there's a non-Navy SEAL who believes he's a Navy SEAL.

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slash honeydew. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash honeydew. Now, let's get back to the do stolen valor man dude so yeah well you mentioned college and you i don't even want to say i want to hear about this frat house story you have here you know what i'm talking about yeah i want to tip it oh so so i end up going to tulane that's the school you picked was it by the way how many did you

actually go visit uh how many did you actually go visit? I've been to Florida State, but I did a bunch of GHB, and it wasn't even fun. I just sat in a dorm. You remember GHB? Yeah. I remember Tom's story about it. Oh, shit. Was it big in your high school?

I guess I didn't learn from him, but yeah, I didn't do it that much. But yeah, I didn't really have that much fun. And then I only applied to like two other schools. But wait, college. Oh, the frat house, the fire. So I end up, I bought a cat with my ex-girlfriend. It'd be weird if we were married now after this story. But so we bought a cat together,

this exotic short hair cat named Bailey. It was like 150 bucks or 250, which in college, that's like nine posters. That's like, yeah, you know, I could have got that college Jim Belushi poster or John Belushi that everyone has. So anyway, so we buy this cat and I bring it to college and it's supposed to stay with

her in her dorm. She's a freshman. It lasted maybe three days before they're like, you can't have a fucking cat in the dorm. Like, what are you doing? So then now it's living with me in my frat house, you know, a pussy and a frat, whatever. Like, it's just absurd to have a, like, not just like a cat, but like an expensive, exotic, short-haired cat with the smushed face. And I remember people would, like, fuck with it.

And he'd have his little paw, like, coming under the door. You know, he was fun, you know, Bailey. And I guess towards the end of the year, I don't even know how this cat's still alive. I don't remember feeding it. And, but I think it probably wanted to escape or something but you know it so my friends at the end of the year they ransacked my room good friends whatever and i have like papers and shit all over the floor i don't know whatever my room was a fucking disaster and i and i went to eat and i took this light because they broke my lamp i took this light

this hot like construction light and i put it on my ladder that goes up to my loft. I didn't clamp it. I just put it there with the cord, and I left, I guess I left it on. I go to eat, and what I'm thinking happened, if I had to CSI this, bitch, is that the C being cat. Nah. I think the cat knocked. Knocked the light off.

That's what I'm guessing. And then what? Hit carpet or your papers? Yeah, and it just fell right down. Face down. Face down. And then set the place. So I come back from dinner.

It's only like 30 minutes. Bro, I shit you not. There's a dragon in my room. And he's blowing fire. I had a bro burned down behind me and i stood 20 feet from it watched it and i was and i know exactly what you're talking that shit turning bro well it's just out my it was out my window so i was like and i was like that just my window place is burning not the whole place just my this is my room just coming out your bedroom window yeah there's like a dragon in my room and uh it's like

hitting the house next door i mean it's like 30 feet out and i look at the girl no one else was in there no 40 people died no no no 40 you're like nah just six that's always the rule you will go way too high so that when you do dial back the truth it feels all right it was 38 it was 38 but you'd still it's higher it was 57 it was 57 people we lost a lot of good men that day uh so i fucking so i go i go i go to i go to the girl driving. I swear to God, I still remember it. And I see this flame. I just look at her. I go, keep driving.

I turn into the Navy SEAL. I was just like, keep driving. I ever tell you I was a Navy SEAL? Keep driving. Let's go to the gap. I still got 850 on this $25 gift card that the cop gave me so we're at the mall at food court eating again

I got six pretzels are you are there fire trucks and shit pulling up yet? Or is this like She drives a little bit away There's like 400 people outside the house And they're all in favor of the fire

Because they all hated our fraternity And I'm yelling It was the Sigma News Like I'm trying to blame it on another frat I think it was the Sigma News So I fucking They put out the fire And I'm sitting there I'm standing there with everyone The Sigma News. So I fucking, they put out the fire.

And I'm sitting there. I'm standing there with everyone. And no one knows it's my room except for me, you know. Fuck, dude. This was crazy. So we're standing there. And the firefighter starts walking out the stairs. And he's holding Bailey. Okay.

And he's like, who's cat? Nah. And Bailey's dead. Oh no. Who's cat is this? And I'm like, dude, my girlfriend's gonna be mad. Who's cat is this? There's four of her feet just spinning around holding up.

It's still on fire. It looks like one of those short-haired, smush-faced cats. Probably running about 250. Anybody? It's like, how does this guy know so much about cats? He goes, whose cat is this? And I was like, I'm not fucking saying it's my cat in front of all these people.

It's embarrassing as fuck. I was like, everyone's going fucking saying it's my cat in front of all these people. It's embarrassing as fuck. I was like, everyone's gonna know I own a cat, you know? You did, you did. Oh, yeah. I was like, if you thought it was exotic before, wait till you see it burnt. No one has this cat. So... You got a lot going through your mind. So. So. So.

So. So. You got a lot going through your body. Your girlfriend's going to kill you. Bro. You don't want to fucking fess up. You have no idea where my brain was at this point in my life, too. I was not in good head space.

So I go, the cat's dead. By the way, it died from the smoke. It didn't die from the fire so you can still see the guy you know and he's like whose cat is this and I was like fuck dude and it was like it felt like Price is right but it was wrong you know

like come on down like whose cat is this and I was just like fuck that's my cat not even upset he goes I turned to God he goes what do you want me to do with it

and I was like I don't know man fucking why are you asking me that in front of all these people can we like take it like I'll just make sure

we'll take this back on the truck our Dalmatian likes to play with him he goes do you want to stuff it yeah Take this back on the truck. He goes. Dalmatian likes to play with him. He goes, do you want to stuff it? Yeah. Put it on the wall. Yeah.

He did not. He did not. He did something worse, bro. I swear to God, this is what happened. He goes, well, what do you want? You want it? You want it? And I was like, to bury it? And I was like, do I bury it?

Like, I'm looking around, you know, when people like 506, I'm like, I don't know what to do. And I was like, nah, bury it? Like, I'm looking around, you know, and people are like, 500, 600. I'm like, I don't know what to do. And I was like, nah, just throw it away. He's like, hang on, let me see if I can't punt this motherfucker up into that fire. Bro, he shot it like Kobe, bro. He went into the fire. And one. Incinerated. Throw it back in the fire.

Oh, no, he threw it in the trash. And then someone, I swear to God, someone threw a.40 on its head. And not like in the cool way. Not like, hey, let's pour some out. Not like let's pour one out for Bailey. Let's pour one out because he's on fire. So that cat dies, obviously. So now I got to call my girlfriend.

I'm like, hey. Good news, bad news. Good news is. Bailey's here. Good news is 40 people died. Just kidding. Just Bailey. Just Bailey's dead.

Just Bailey's dead. 40 cats died. Really? 40 cats? really 40 cats nah just ours the best way to break bad days fuck my life so I go Bailey's dad

she's like how'd you die I go fire a fire she goes a fire how'd it happen I was like well you know cats you know cats I'm there you know cats so mind you

oh she yells she's not happy and then uh this is where my mind's at i swear to god this is what happened this is where i was at the time you would think i'd be like depressed my room's like scorched no one died everyone got out of the house thank god it was like 6 at night but did it burn the whole place down or was it salvageable it put smoke everywhere but the house

had to be completely yeah in a way I kind of helped the house you know I was doing a good thing you know

I was thinking so that night I swear to god dude I go to fucking fuck I just drew a blank. I went to a concert of the people that sing, she's my cherry pie.

Warrant. Warrant. Yeah, Warrant. And they played at this bar for like 100 people. And I just remember just slam dancing with a bunch of bikersers to warrant that night being like my cat's dead dude that's what you're out there celebrating yeah i was like my cat's dead they're like dude me too my brother's dead don't worry well you know we had fun she's my and we sing cherry pie i sang it on the mic he came out and i just i swear to god i mean it was like a hundred people

in a bowl like he's not killing it but you know and i was singing cherry pie and i and uh you know the navy seal guy was their guitarist i'm pretty sure you're pretty sure he was that guy i'm pretty sure the guy guitars from warren was and i said to him i go look i know it was an accident i go no i think you burnt the house i think you burnt the house so mind you i mean statute of limitations hopefully because i started getting some letters in the mail and your boy just ignored those so if it's a summons you can go fuck yourself subpoena with a p i'll see you there it might have been a p yeah so yeah so i probably won't go back to new orleans for a while no i did i

wouldn't tell me about the overdose. You actually, is this you? Yeah. You had an overdose? A mild. I mean, any overdose is not mild. Yeah, it was an underdose. It was.

Underdose. I don't even know where to start with this one. I was just, it was in New Orleans. But I graduated college, right? Long story short, again, I moved to LA right after college to be a producer. I thought I was going to be a producer because I read one book on producing. I got a job as a PA and for one weekend, I drove cross country. I thought I had a full-time job.

It was one weekend. I wore like a suit the first day. I had no idea what I was doing. They're like, yeah, no, you got to try to get a job every weekend. I was like, oh, I'm done being a producer, you know? So anyways, mind you, I'm living in LA. I visit my New Orleans with my buddies. And at this point, like I didn't really have a job. I was in really good shape, though. Most jacked I've ever been. And I never did cocaine that much.

I really didn't. I've never bought cocaine. I've done it. You said, I never did it that much. I never did it on Tuesdays. Tuesday was my day. Tuesdays? Tuesday mornings, I never did it on Tuesdays. Tuesday was my day. Tuesdays. Tuesday mornings, I never did cocaine.

Tuesday at two. So I go out. We're doing like benders. We got a hotel room down there in the quarter. And my buddy was dating a stripper. She was so hot. Oh, my gosh. She was so hot. Oh, my gosh. She was so hot.

And we all go out, and I start doing some bumps, you know? And next thing I know, I'm with his stripper girlfriend, but not, like, thinking I'm going to fuck her. But, like, that's how coked up I was. I was just talking to a stripper about life, you know, overlooking Lake Pontchartrain. Like, we were sitting in our car just, like, being like, what do you think about the big meaning of life? And she's like, you know, like, are you going to try to fuck me or you want to keep talking? So anyways, I do so much coke until like 8 in the morning.

And I was like, all right. She's like, I'll drive you back. I was like, all right, cool. And I get back and I don't know how much cocaine you've done, but like I have insane anxiety disorder. So when you start coming down from that shit, it's the worst feeling in the world. Like for you, what happens?

Guilt and you feel like shit about yourself. Literally, I think I'm dying. Like it goes to there. Physically you feel it? Physically dying, yeah. Oh, okay, you feel it. Yeah, yeah, physically. Like I've had a lot of panic attacks in my life after that.

You know, like I've never, whatever. i wasn't diagnosed with anxiety disorder back then but i'm freaking the fuck out i think i'm gonna die from like just because i can't even like walk i'm so exhausted you know so i'm with my buddies and they're like you know what you should do a gravity bong hit to relax and i was like i've never been good with weed but for some reason my brain i'm so dumb at the time i'm like yeah that will help yeah i'll do a gravity bong hit so i do a gravity bong hit and i go completely numb and like paralyzed like i can't move my arm like i'm on the couch i'm stuck and i'm completely numb and i'm like i literally like I'm like, I literally, like, I'm looking at my arm, and I go, you know, move arm. It's like sleep paralysis, but I was wide awake.

And I was, like, going back and forth through the room, and I'm like, I'm freaking out. I'm like, I'm going to die. So I don't know how much of it is from the coke, from stop doing the coke to the weed. And I go to my buddy. I was like, dude, you got to drive me to the er where you know where i got stabbed so i go um i go you know you gotta take me he's like stop being a pussy you know and your friends like don't be a little bitch just fucking man up you know i was like i'm trying but i'm fucking can't move my fucking arms bro i can't move I was like, yo, just fucking drive me to the ER, dude.

I got to go to the ER. I'm going to have a heart attack because my heart is paptic. So he takes me into the ER. He doesn't even come in with me. That's like the kind of friend I have. Good job, y'all. My brother would do that to me. I'm not stopping the car.

Yeah, my brother would get out. Yeah, I'm just going to roll. If it's a red light, I'll stop. So he pulls around. He's just like, all right, see you later. I'm like, all right. And I walk'll stop so he's like he pulls around he's just like all right see you later i'm like all right and i walk in i'm just like hey and at this point like i've convinced myself i'm having a heart attack so i'm just like i go up to the lady i was like i think i'm having a heart attack and she's like um she's like all right she's like she let me actually skip the

line i guess i sold it well enough and suddenly they bring me back they do an EKG all that shit I told them I did cocaine whatever and uh but I was jacked then you know

I was ripped you know I look good you know I can't it's so funny to like think like

just cause you're in shape like you can't die like if you have yeah yeah yeah so I can't I'm like numb and they're putting blood thinner

in my stomach like shooting me up with shots it hurt like a bitch and they're just putting blood thinner in me and then they look at my ekg and they're like you had a heart murmur and then somehow right into the show i still i've never really looked into this but they like looked into my pat like they could see that i've had this before so i had a murmur so they put me in the heart ward for three days damn really yeah and i ran up like a 7500 bill and that was my last time you did cocaine ish that's an expensive night out bro so then I end up three days in the heart ward. And they're like, yeah, you don't fucking do this shit anymore, blah, blah, blah.

So I go back. So cocaine could kill you because of the heart murmur? I don't know. Is this also when you found out you had a heart murmur? Yeah, and I've never really looked into it since then. I'm figuring. I got a good ticker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Probably not to look into that. So I end up going back to Florida. And then I flew with my brother to L.A., got my car, and that was when I left L.A. for the first time. Okay. Or the last time. And, yeah, that was wild. I mean, the depression after having even kind of an overdose, it'll hit you. And then that's when I got into real estate after that.

Like, that's when, you know, I stopped being a producer. Stopped being a producer. So you drove across the country thinking you had a job, and they were like, all right, gig's over after a couple days. Literally, it was a Waffle House commercial or IHOP with Joel McHale. And you drove all the way back home. I met Joel McHale like a year ago, and I was like, do you remember? He's like, I remember that commercial.

It's like, you remember me in a suit? pa that wore the suit carrying boxes sweating getting your coffee guy with the suit and the dolly yeah the guy with the briefcase yeah um tell me about this penis pump i want to hear about this oh man so i've never used one so So, mind you, I got stabbed when I was visiting Tulane. I love this. This is like a Quentin Tarantino movie. We keep going back and forth. And I'm a senior in high school, still a virgin. Remember? Virgin prom king.

And I get stabbed. I still decide to go to Tulane. I'm like, look, it can only go uphill from here, you know? And I was like, I'll go to college. I'll reinvent myself. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my name to Andreas. Andreas! Like, because I'm like a salsa king.

No, no, I'm a salsa. Yeah, no, I do salsa. And whatever. Anyway, so I go, and it's like, before I went to Tulane, I visited some friends in Boston College, and my buddy played football for Boston College, and it's like, before I went to Tulane, I visited some friends in Boston College, and my buddy played football for Boston College. And he had all these big-ass football, like, dude, like, a guy named Hovann, who played for the Vikings.

Remember him? Chris Hovann? Yeah, yeah. And, like, three other dudes, like, huge motherfuckers. Like, the biggest guys you've ever seen. And they all are talking about penis pumps, how they all have them. And I'm like, what? Like big guys like you pump it?

They're like, yeah, it's like bench press before your dick. You know, like they were like, yeah, it's just like lifting. And I was like, they sold it, you know? And I was like, I got to get me one of these, you know? And so I get back to Florida and I'm like, I got to find out. Like there's no real, I don't even know if there was like Google then to like type in where to get a dick pump. There's like one place in like four towns to get a dick pump. And it was called Southern Exposure, which is pretty funny.

That is actually good. That's clever. That's clever. But it was on US1. So I went in there like in a trench coat and sunglasses. I was like, I didn't want it. You don't want it. I mean, nowadays I'd walk in like with flare guns

I don't give a fuck where are your dick pops it's for me yeah it's for my tiny dick yeah no my dick's small yeah it's not big back then I'm like going through a window in the back and then I remember I went in

and I bought the penis pump and I bought magnums. I bought magnums to cover. So I go, oh, the magnums are for my big dick getting this penis pump for this little dick. For my buddy. For my buddy's little dick. And the guy was like gauge earrings looking at me like, I don't give a – just buy the pump, you fucking – like why are you telling me to just like lie? I'm sure you've seen that before. So sure. So I used the pump you fucking like why are you telling me just like lie you know i'm sure

you've seen that before so sure so i used to pump like once before i went and so what is it does it make you hard it may yeah like so when you're getting yeah yeah like so do you put your soft dick in it you could put like your your like halfway hard cock a little bit of a little bit of chub you want some chub in there and then what you pump it yeah you pump it like what's it supposed to do like fill it with blood yeah so it sucks your dick so much that more blood goes into the capillaries to make your dick thicker okay the thing is you got to clamp that bitch to keep the blood in there you gotta clamp your dick yeah i never i didn't buy i didn't i never put the clamp on i didn't really i thought you just pumped it and then it was good like no it goes out like a tire like i say it makes it look

like of like a burglar was strangling me and then and like real hard the vein in my head and then he just lets go is your dick wearing a bandana? Yeah, it's too pocket. It's too pocket. So it would make my head bigger. Like, it gave me some girth. Like, I needed some girth. I needed some weight. So I was like, all right, I'll bring it to college.

So I packed this thing. Like, I packed my Proactiv, my new Gap shirt, and my fucking penis pump. Nice. And I fly with this thing. Like, I travel with this thing, you know? And I get to my dorm room, and I hide the pump. Because you don't want to get, you know, it's, and I hide it like Narnia. Like, you can't find this thing. Yeah, like you might not remember where it is.

Yeah. I have, like, instructions. Like, go, when you get to the door, go left. And then, yes, I fucking. Anyway, so I used the thing one time maybe twice you know it doesn't and uh i believe it was once and i have sex or just to have some pleasure just try it out you know that's the other thing that's the other ground please tell me you put the crown on, bro.

Fucking obviously I'm wearing the crown. I mean, dude. So it's such a fucking weird thing to have a pump too. It's like what am I going to do? Like hook up with a girl and be like let me pump? It was like what are you – why the hell do I even have it? Now I just take Viagra. It's great.

It's fucking awesome. So anyway, so I pump my dick, but I pump it like right before class. So I just like, I'm kind of scrambling. So I don't put it in my secret spot. I just put it in the drawer and I'm just like, all right, whatever. Yeah, I'll get to it. You know, whatever. And so, you know, after you jerk off, you don't know what you're thinking. You know, so I just put the dick pump in there and I go to class.

This is like the second or third week in school. Fireman walks out like, whose dick pump is this? And whose cat is this? They're both yours? Forty dick pumps died that day. Forty dick pumps died. We got a dick pump and a dead cat. Who's it is?

I've never connected these stories, but when you hear what happens... One or two people come together. I'm looking for two people right now. One for the dick pump, one for the dead cat. Both me. Both me. I got the number 7 and the number 8. Yeah, they're mama.

Put him in the trash. Put him in the trash. He's above yours. Yeah, it is. Put him in the trash. What do you want me to do? Put him in the trash. He's like. He's ambidextrous. He's pitching with one hand on one arm, throwing it on the other. Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. No, it's great. Oh, my God. So he ends up. So I go to class. Dude, again, I fucking do a gravity bong hit before I get back. So what happened, though, is my buddy was looking for a lighter to light up a cigarette. He can't find one.

He goes to my side of the room, goes in the drawer, and finds this pump with, like, lotion in it. It's like he doesn't even know what it is. So he calls my other buddy. This is. Thank fucking God there was no YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank fucking. i would be i'd kill myself i've had if i if this happened i swear to god it because it went viral i would

have probably killed myself anyways so let's try to make this clip go viral guys go ahead yeah so go ahead tell us the detail you know what and then nothing happened. And that was it. That was the end of the story. So anyway, that's a pretty cool story. No, so I fucking, my buddy Aaron, he calls my buddy Aaron. He calls a buddy.

Next thing you know, he calls a girl. He calls a girl. They call every gorgeous girl in my freshman class at Tulane. Oh, no. I fucking, I'm doing Gravity Bong hits, having a good time, you know? And I walk back, and I remember, I still remember it. I'm like, I see like 30 people in my little ass dorm room, and all of them are- 30? Bro, like, that might be a little, but like, honestly, like, probably like 15.

Probably 15, and it's all, it's probably 90-10 girl to guys. Like, the hottest girls that you can pick out in the book, you know, the Facebook, before Facebook. You're like, oh, I'd fuck her. I'd fuck her. I'd fuck her. She wouldn't fuck me. You know, whatever. Yeah.

They're all in my room. And I think it's a party, you know, because I'm high as fuck. I'm just like, oh, fucking freshman party. My friend hooked it up. Fuck yeah. Dude, I should have grabbed a 12er before I got here. So I come in. I'm like, yeah.

And my buddy, like the fireman, I swear to God, reaches in the drawer. And I swear to God, he just starts waving that bitch like a North Carolina helicopter. Just like a... Kitty Hawk, motherfucker. We're down at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Does anyone know what the fuck it is yet, though? No one knows what it is. Still, all these people have.

Well, they kind of have ideas. They're guessing, sure. So. It's a new gravity bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they go. So everyone's laughing at me. They're pointing at me.

Like, what is this? And I just, I swear to God, I just look just like the Navy SEAL. And I just go, that's my penis pump. Like that cool. I swear on my life. Good for so high if i wasn't that high i would be like that's my dick pump that's my i said it like i have like whoa i got a whole jacket full like i took it i remember i threw it i go my dick pump and it broke and i was like i kind of remember being upset about that inside everyone leaves they waited like two hours to do this i start coming down from being high i'm like And it broke. And I was like, I kind of remember being upset about that inside. Everyone leaves.

They waited like two hours to do this. I start coming down from being high. I'm like, oh, my whole college career is over. I'm the little dick guy with a penis pump. Every hot girl. But a penis pump doesn't mean necessarily you have a little dick, though, right? It means you probably need assistance getting whatever you have up is what I'm guessing. That would be a great way to spin it. and i wish you were my friend back then but no guy with a monster cock is like yo i need to go to southern exposure and try 45 minutes put on a trench coat and glasses because my big dick needs to get even bigger.

So, yeah. So, anyways, I didn't leave my dorm room for a good two weeks. I tried to make up a lie that I was trying to prank my friend. I was like, oh, no, no, no. I was trying to prank him. They're like, yeah, okay. Like, no one believed me, you know, because I said it so confidently. And I just remember I didn't leave my dorm for like two weeks.

I was just looking out the window like, what are all the normal dicks doing, you know? Like, it was sad. That was sad, boy. That was- How'd you recover from that? I haven't. That's why I'm doing stand. That's why I'm here today. I'm telling you. Let's hear about losing all your money. Oh, man. So after I had the mild overdose, I went back to Florida. I got into Florida real estate during the boom. I got my Florida state license, passed the mild overdose, I went back to Florida. I got into Florida real estate during the boom. I got my Florida state license, passed the second time.

But, you know, who's counting? So my mom, I got a family that does a lot of real estate in Chicago. And so she's like, you should do real estate, whatever, like do something. And I was like, you know, I was so depressed, you know. And I get my real estate license like within like six months. And then I'm trying to sell like, do something. And I was like, you know, I was so depressed, you know. And I get my real estate license, like, within, like, six months. And then I'm trying to sell, like, homes and shit. Like, I don't even know what a foyer is or whatever. I'm just like, that's how it is.

I grew up calling it a foyer. Yeah, yeah. Never a foyer. Yeah. Ever. Yeah. I mean, where's the Argo? And so I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm 22. You know, I'm still, you know, I have this heart murmur. So I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 22. I still have this heart murmur. I don't know what I'm doing. My buddy, Rusty, Rusty III, mind you, in Florida, in Vero Beach, Florida, he told me that we should do commercial real estate instead and we should team up together. Mind you, Rusty III was the same guy that I'd be partying with. He's an animal. Good guy, but an animal. Like old Florida, like 50 cousins all within Vero Beach, like old Florida.

So I went up to Vero where I went to high school with Tom, and we ended up, we did one deal where we put together 60 acres of orange groves. Okay. For like $7.8 million, right? We called like, Rusty did this all. He had like, he called like four different owners and put together, because home sales were crazy. Like home builders were like going nuts for this property. We found a home builder to buy it.

We, you know, we were going to make like 300, 250 grand, whatever. One of the buyers gets cancer and he's like terminal. So they back out of the deal. I tell my uncle, I'm like, yo, you got to buy this because he's big in real estate in Chicago. So he buys it. Next thing I know, I go from having $800 in my bank account living at home to like 280,000. Damn. Like that.

Like that. Like that. Like 23 years old. That's the money. I mean, that's all the money like in the world. And so I went out, I bought a Tundra with some fucking, put some 20s on there. Please tell me you got some new gap clothes, man. Nah, dude. I went to Abercrombie.

Stepped it up. Stepped it up. Went to Hollister. You got a Toyota Tundra you did? I got a Tundra, black Tundra with some 20, maybe 22s, not spinners. I thought about getting spinners. Then I bought the truck. Me and my other, we would go out every night.

We'd go down to Fort Lauderdale, go to this place, Automatic Slims. We'd get a table. Rusty would take his shirt off. He decided to shave his head into a mohawk like fucking just living the life i woke up one night with or one morning with a girl putting a hooters outfit on you know like just like going to costa rica like just fucking trying to get rid of this money as fast as possible versus millions yeah because we had more money coming in i had another another million dollars. Like, we were going to resell that property. So we had that property under contract the next day, pretty much,

for $16 million. Damn. So my uncle, I was the king. And then with, like, Lenar, Angle Homes, whatever, and they end up, so the market is kind of, like, there's rumbling, you know, about, like, oh, you know, I think things are falling apart. And then sure enough, we're waiting to get entitlements.

And entitlements essentially is what you get so you can eventually build on this land. So we need to get those to then sell it to them because that's how they're buying it. Because they would have paid like $11 million without the entitlements. And my uncle would have been good. They would have paid like $11 million without the entitlements, and my uncle would have been good. But sure enough, they waited. We were waiting for the entitlements. The market starts getting worse and worse.

They back out. Another dude, Ziggy Wilf, the owner of the Vikings. Oh, yeah? Comes down on a private jet, and me and Rusty, the third, meet him at the fucking private airport. He's got glasses on, a Viking polo. We sit down for a meeting, me, Rusty III, and my uncle, and we get it under contract for like $13.1 million.

So we're still golden. For how much? $13.1. And it's under contract. We sold it for $7.8. So we're going to still make another $300 Gs or whatever. Mind you, so we're still waiting to get the entitlements. And then they're slowly lowering their price.

They're like, no, we don't want to pay this much. And then eventually they just walk. And we had another property under contract where we would have made like – it was wild then, right? Market crashed. I spent all my money. You did. I bought a condo. So you didn't lose it.

Huh? You didn't lose it. You spent it. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato.

You bought a condo? I bought that condo. Is that not a good investment? For 220. Six months later, it's worth $60,000. No. Swear on my life. And that's the one I stopped paying money on.

It crashed like that. Where the guy that- Did you say 220,000 and it dropped how many months later? To 60,000 in like seven months. 60,000? Yeah, 60,000. Now they're back to like 190 actually, by the way. But still, you wouldn't have your money back.

Holy fuck. And that's the house I stopped paying the mortgage on where I kept getting the shower. Right. Cleanest you've ever been. So clean. I actually didn't even turn. I turned the shower on. I wouldn't go in.

But I felt like if it was on, it would be a better story in court. I was fucking crazy. So anyways, so yeah. So I went through all that money. I lost the house I owed the government money I only paid half my taxes because I thought I had all this

other money coming in next thing I know I owe the government a shit ton of money and I'm not making anymore I was so depressed boy for like a year I like just laid in my bed and like would just watch YouTube, like Rolling Stone video,

like just like going through YouTube holes with the blinds down, just depressed as fuck. And that's like kind of how I figured out like, so it's a long story, but I ended up like moving to New York one time. That didn't go well. That's a whole nother like 45 minutes. But then I went back to Florida, and like I was just like trying to make that money back. Like that was like every job I was trying to take, I was just trying to get.

And like through nepotism, like through like family stuff, not doing anything on my own. And that's when I got into stand-up. When I was finally like, all right, I'm done chasing this fucking money that I will never get to. And in a way, stand-up was a way for me to do something that gave me kind of a scapegoat to never reach that money so it stopped being about the money. And I

took a stand-up class and then I moved to New York. I was fucking working in grilled cheese, working at a grilled cheese restaurant. I was sleeping on couches and did dog walk for six years. Still in debt, but just chasing doing open mics, 15 a week, whatever. And then I met Nikki. And then literally within the last – and so I met Nikki.

She took a picture of me walking a dog with wheels, and she put it on Instagram. That's how you guys met? And my friend was like, yo, that's a comic. And I went and I met her, and I remember I was so nervous meeting her because I was almost done with comedy. It was like six, seven years of just walking dogs. I was running some shows, but there was nothing. There was no traction. I started at 30.

And I met her, and I met her and I remember just like I'll really open up to people right away I told her I got an AIDS test when I was still a virgin because I fingered a girl and I bite my nails

and that's what sold it she'll say to this day she goes that's the day that line right there is why you're like with me right now so she hired me

for a dog walker I'm her dog walker oh you are? or I was I was two times a day right there is why you're like with me right now. So she hired me for a dog Walker. I'm her dog Walker. Oh, you are. Or I was, I was two times a day. And then she let me host for a Caroline's and I fucking, I was ready,

you know, like seven years, like ready to go. And, uh, then, then she's like, Oh,

come on my radio show. Next thing you know, like I'm doing that. I'm going on the road with her. We're doing fucking, I crushed doing that, doing the features. Now I'm like, now I'm here. I just went to MTV Awards last night. I paid almost all my debt off with comedy money.

Fuck yeah. Two weeks ago. Oh, congrats. Yeah. That does feel good. God damn, did that feel good. Yeah. With comedy money.

With comedy money. Yeah. And Coke. I sell Coke. Well, that's all right. With comedy money. With comedy money. Yeah. And Coke. I sell Coke. Well, that's all right. I don't do it, though. I never bought it. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but yeah, dude, it was fucking dope, dude. It's been like I'm finally finding a groove. Yeah. I haven't drank for like three years. That's good. I don't know. I mean, that kind of stuff you know going to therapy all

that shit you know like i just didn't realize what my all those like things stem from like a lot of from anxiety disorder and like not being able to focus and not being able to you know and not to try to bring down the mood but i just think that that's like you did though it's okay um listen thank you for being on here. But before we go, I told you at the beginning, we started recording, I'm going to ask you. So I want to hear some advice. Now, after everything we've talked about. Yeah.

I want to hear some advice you would give your 16-year-old self. I would say buy the clamp for the penis pump. Because the blood is going to, you're going to have to hold on to this clamp for a while. Because the blood is going to, you're going to have to hold on to this clamp for a while. I'm trying to think what I really would do. I honestly think I would just like, hmm, God, that's tough, man. Because it's like, I wish I knew how to ask for help earlier and not think of it as a weakness. Yep. how to ask for help earlier and not think of it as a weakness. Yeah.

Because a lot of people are afraid to ask for help because it's looked at as, especially as a guy, because it's like, no, fucking man up and take care of it on your own, you pussy. Like, I never made a dollar with any help, you know? It's like, nah, dude, ask for help. Yeah, you did. People bought your shit. Yeah.

And helped you with that dollar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So ask for help. Like, you 16-year-old self, it's. So ask for help. Like, you know, 16-year-old self, it's okay to ask for help. And if you're not going to get it from your parents, get it from your friend's parents or talk to anyone, you know? And don't be afraid to do that. Because I think if I asked for help back then,

I would have known kind of what my disorder, like my anxiety disorder was, and I would have nipped it in the bud earlier on. But then I also wouldn't be here, so maybe don't ask for help. All right. And get a stab-proof vest. And get a stab-proof vest. Thank you so much for being on here. Plug whatever you want again.

Yeah, just I'm co-host of Nikki Glaser's podcast, and then my podcast is called Puddles with Andrew Collin. Ryan, you were on it. It was fantastic. Freaking, I really did enjoy it. And, yeah, and in collin ryan you're on it it's fantastic freaking i really did enjoy it and uh yeah and in july we're gonna be on tour so come on out and enjoy fucking live stand-up comedy yeah all right well thank you again for being on uh as always ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media we'll talk to y'all next week.