The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Andrew Santino - HoneySantino

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is Andrew Santino! Andrew is back to Highlight the Lowlights of pressure being self-employed, anxiety, depression and the toll it takes on your mental, and emotional well-being! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Upstart -Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to https://www.Upstart.com/HONEYDEW. Use our URL to let them know we sent you! Athletic Greens -Get a FREE 1 year supply of Vitmamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase if you visit https://www.AthleticGreens.com/HONEYDEW 

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please welcome back andrew santino welcome back to the honeydew all right i missed that arsenio when he used to do that's that cleveland dog pound i know i um thank you for kicking uh the 2022 year off with us by the way god bless we're out here 2022 we made it baby god bless we made it we're alive we made it through crimis so far so good we'll see we'll see what omericron does to um plug everything you'd like all right 2022 i'm i'm over the hump of halfway point on my tour um and this this year i've got uh are you ready for this yeah Yeah. Albany, Foxwoods, D.C., Atlanta, Chicago, February 5th, Chicago Theater. That's my homecoming. Yeah.

What a great fucking time. I mean, even I get love in Chicago. They are a very supportive city. They really are. Then I do Kansas City, St. Louis,, Seattle, Portland and I end this bitch in Vegas Vegas at the Wynn, March 26th and I need people to come out because that's how I feed my family

okay? your family of just me and her just two she's expensive dude women are expensive hey man, they eat they eat too man

they eat they eat too like that on that low key I know when we went out and had pizza remember that that after the store we went to have pizza? And your girl wanted another slice and you were like, mm-mm. I was like, no. One and done.

One and done. I was like, maybe I'll give you half of this one I'm not eating right here. You get the crust. You get the crust of this other one. I have a lot to talk to you about, but- Give it to me. I love seeing you. A few things.

I want to talk to you about touring right now it to me i love a few things i want to talk you i want to talk to you about touring right now because you said you've got some frustrations you just told me you were depressed about something that and i want to talk about that oh yeah it's very uh pertinent to what we do and then i want to ask you some family shit so okay hit me you tell me well the touring thing that i talked pretty candidly about, the tough thing is like, you know, I think things that people don't know, the public doesn't know is like, once you start selling tickets and clubs,

and then you get these offers to do theaters and you're, there is no handbook. We're all kind of green. So they're like, oh, then you could play theaters. And you're like, okay, so I'll try that. But when you play clubs, it's partly their internal promotion, partly because people know the club and then they follow you as well.

So it's like three things are hitting. For the theaters, the theaters don't do any promotion, barely. And if they do, no one's following a theater on Instagram. Listen, let's be honest. I've been bitching about the clubs aren't promoting anything either. I know, dude, but the theaters literally do zero. Go look at the clubs. The clubs are throwing up one thing on their Facebook and gets nine likes.

I know, but at least the club has a history, right? True. So people who are locals know. Right. But with theaters, it's you, you, you, you, dude. I mean, it's Y-O-U. Live Nation ain't doing it. Ticketmaster ain't doing it.

Yeah. You know, they do little things in there, but- But they're taking. Oh, yeah, they're taking. They ain't doing it. They're taking. But that's the business, bro. We ain't doing it, but they're taken oh yeah that's the business bro we ain't doing but we're taking that's a ticket master we ain't doing but we're taking uh that's a convenience fee right for what's inconvenient for me yeah stop charging me eleven dollars on a nine dollar ticket they they dude they so doing the theaters has been tough

because this is my first time learning and nobody wants to talk about this stuff in standup, that it's difficult emotionally, if your ego, you know. Tell me about it. Because it's like, I'm not there.

I know who I am. I'm not, I know what I, I know I have a good fan base, but like you have to do all this work and then your teams, your agents or managers or all these people, like they want to push more dates on you and add more shows. And your, your, your worry

grows. Cause you're like, can I do that? Am I, how do I promote it now? What do I have to do online to like grow that audience? Louie puts up a date. You sell, you know, those guys do, it's just different. I'm in this kind of middle ground where it's like, I can sell good tickets, but also adding shows is sketchy and you might not sell out the other one or you might just sell really well for two shows or three shows, but you have to put in all this work and there's anxiety that goes into it.

And then when people tell you in the business, they're like, just let it go. Just, you know, but you can't because you worked so hard to get to this place. You're not just going to sit back and be like, whatever happens, happens. I mean, I wish I had that mentality. I don't think most comics do because we started at the bottom to get here took so long but also

these people that are telling us these things have 401ks yeah yeah they sit at a desk fucking paid sick and vacation days they have pensions probably they've got fucking all kinds of shit that we don't have it's easy to tell somebody that has no net when you're sitting in one to just, it's all right. Don't worry about it. No, you're fine. No, you're rowing away. My boat's on fire.

You're good. It's fine. Get to the back, man. Weigh it up. The big flames aren't coming for a while. No, you know what I compare it to is like when, and I love Jim Carrey, but when I was working for him on that show. The Showtime series.

And I'm dying up here. Yeah, one time he said to me, he was talking about becoming more minimalistic. And I joked with Eric Griffin afterwards. I was like, only super, super rich people can talk like that. When people talk like when they go, you just got to get rid of possessions. You just got to be free, man.

You just got to let go, let God. You're like, you can't say that to the guy that has three jobs. Yeah, that's right. You know what I mean? He can't let go and let God because God will kill him. You know what I mean? And no disrespect to Jim. It was just you have to.

And Jim came from zero too. He was broke when he started. He was poor. And then he earned all this money. But only with money comes that kind of perspective about how things are. If you weren't telling me to let go, let God when you were broke, then don't be telling me that bullshit when you're a gazillionaire. That's what I'm saying. So I compare it to the same thing of like when they say don't worry about it or you're doing fine.

It's not going to ease your anxiety and your depression i've been super candid about my mental health on our show on on my show with bob and my personal show that like you know i have anxiety i have severe depression i've been diagnosed i've gone through waves of it over the years it goes way up it goes way down what's your anxiety what brings your anxiety outside of the outside of obviously making a living we all all have our ways. And our career, the anxiety of life. Sure. What outside of professional? I think a lot of times I feel like you get scared if you're doing all the other right things. Am I being a good enough friend, husband, family member, community?

Like am I being more than just my job? Because this job is all consuming. I just told you my schedule is absurd. I mean, our schedules get absurd. I have four or five things every day and then shows at night. And then it used to be, I could grab coffee with someone. Now it's impossible. It's, it just gotten harder because you're filling up your plate. Cause you're like, well, I need to do all these things to get this other thing done. But then I have anxiety at night. Like, well, am I even doing enough as a human or am I just operating as a business machine now because I have to keep up, you know, you have to hold this thing up. It's kind of like when you were a kid and used to hear about guys that like were keeping up with

the Joneses, you know what I mean? And then you find out he's been stealing from the company and he's upside down in his mortgage. You know what I mean? We're 20 grand in on the in-ground. from the company and he's upside down in his mortgage. You know what I mean? We're 20 grand in on the in-ground. That's what I mean. It's just that fear of like, oh, you have to hold up all these things. And for me, those things I'm holding up are outside of the business. It's like, am I being a good enough family member, friend, partner? Am I doing these things right? And it's really hard on you. Am I calling enough people just to say what's up to check in to try to schedule a good dinner it's super difficult because your schedule gets overwhelmed we don't what you said before the show i don't you know cutting the grass it's like

you know i i we don't have the luxury of just being like oh man sunday's a down day for me it's like what are you doing on sunday i'm gonna watch. And after that, I'm going to fucking put my headphones on. I'm going to listen to the after game. The post game wrap up. The post game wrap up from the app in Baltimore. Yeah. 105.7 the fan. The fan. And then I'm going to cut the fucking grass.

Cut the grass. I want to do that. But I want to be that. I want to do that sometimes. And sometimes I do get to live that life. And I'm not, by no means, because I know the audience know the audience, like champagne problems, like cry me a river. But like no matter who you are, no matter what you're earning or what your job is, we all have our own little issues. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, well, what we do, I say it all the time. It's a very selfish thing.

It's just by nature. It is a selfish profession to go in and do this because it's all about you and it has to be because once you do get to another level now you've got to maintain and provide for your family whatever so i say it all the time we it's not it's we're still comedians but this is our family business like it's not just i go on stage anymore, the 80s. It is the podcast. It is the Patreons. It is the- Video, sketches and merch. The sketches, the promos, the photos, the graphics, the artwork.

We are mom and pop all in one shop. We all, this is our family business. And everybody out there, I know they say champagne, whatever, they've got their family businesses. And all of us had adversity the last almost two years with this shutdown. So a lot of people, hustlers like us and people out there like you guys, have their foot on the fucking gas. We have coffee here. That's why I have too much. We have good coffee here.

This is my 14th coffee. I've spent money. No, no, no. I want that coffee, baby. That's what I'm drinking. I'm getting the last drops of that. I saw you hitting that corner. No, but you know what it was? coffee, baby. That's what I'm drinking. I'm getting the last drops of that. I saw you hitting that corner. No, but you know what it was?

Corner of a round cup. I saw you get it, though. That's the corner of the round cup right there. No, you know what it is, though, for real? It's like you just – there are two ways to look at it, right? Some people are good at just like letting go and figuring it out as it goes. I was never that guy and i don't think i'll ever be that guy so well go back to your background your your dad's not around in and

out prison you're raised by a single mom single mom until she met my stepfather who became my who who became my my father in a formidable sense you know became like you know taught me how to ride a bike and throw a ball and swing a fist and you you know what I mean? And like- Yeah, but you've got a mindset of I've got to do this. Yeah, but it was also because it was kind of like, not that I had to grow up fast, but I guess it was like living in the city with my mom. You just had to figure it out a little bit. It was like, you know, the phrase like grow up. I say that sometimes in a mean way when somebody says something like grow up, like get over it. It's you, you have, you can't control it. It's gone. It's over.

It already happened. And that comes from kind of my mom's mentality. She was kind of a tough, she was tough love in a good way, but she was also like, you got to get over it. It's, it's done. It's already happened. You're going to complain about it all day. Now it's done. I mean, dude, we joked about this at Thanksgiving. This is how different the 80s were. Because I lived close enough to school in the city where the bus wouldn't get me because it's in like a mile and a half was the radius or something like that.

But my mother didn't want me to walk because it was like, it was the city. And it's also like a little kid by himself. And she couldn't, because she was working full-time and couldn't afford to hire somebody. So there was this dude who was like a retired, him and his wife,

they drove this old station wagon, the old Crown Vic Woody, and they picked up kids from our neighborhood. Oh my God, this sounds, right, right, right. No, no, no,

it doesn't get bad. It doesn't get bad. It doesn't get bad. It doesn't get bad. But imagine the sales pitch of this couple being like, we'll drive your kid. You're gonna pick up your kids.

You're gonna pick up all seven of your kids. Dude, there would be like six, and we'd be in the old, in those old- That's the early Uber right there. It was Uber. But people remember, people remember, if you remember those old,

like the station wagon Crown Vix, first of all, the bed of those things was like an F-450. It was 55 feet, dude. It was a yacht. It was a yacht, carpeted yacht. And if you couldn't get, if you didn't get picked up in time

or your route was, because he changed all the time, depending on the traffic, you wouldn't get the bench seat, the bench back seat, which was, you could fit 14 little kids in that bench seat. No one's got a seatbelt on and you would have to get in the backpack. If you didn't get a bench seat- How many kids are getting in the backpack? Just rolling around. I mean, just bounce, trip out. And if you were really unlucky, you had to sit on a wheel well.

You know what I mean? Then you... Then you... You get burned and shit. Like, ah, that got out of my back. It was too hot because the metal was frying it. Dude, we'd be bouncing around. You'd hit your head on those windows

at least four or five times on the way home because it stopped fast and you'd smack your head on the side. And he's just some neighbor taking... Just some guy. Just some guy from the neighborhood. So how long did he take you to school?

I mean, I did it for two years. Two years he used to pick me up. And you rode in his car. Oh, yeah, bro. Oh, yeah. And you know what's so funny is, and sometimes he'd be late, you know, because this guy just lived his life. And I would be standing in the rain outside of school when it'd be closed.

I remember standing in the rain. For the home ride back home. For the home back home. And I remember how how mad i was and i thought to myself i could just walk i better just i could just walk home but then i knew if i walked my mom would have beat the shit out of me if i walked all the way home because back then uh cabrini green was still there the cabrini green was like the uh the project is the projects okay it's not there anymore uh robert taylor was the most famous projects but cabrini green was pretty pretty famous and now it's like right next to a kind

of a nice area now it's their condos and you know what i mean that but back then it was still there so it was kind of a sketch if i was walking around there it's like no one's gonna really fuck with a little kid but it's just the idea that's like how little you were eight nine i was seven that's my daughter's age right now i can't imagine letting her let her walk on a city a mile yeah come on man but back then yeah but we did i did get to walk around like there was a white hen pantry uh down the block and around the corner that i used to go there and steal donuts they had long john donuts that was my favorite but i was so low to the ground i could sneak in and walk out and the dude would never see me you know behind the counter because i just and what was he going to say but white hen was like um 7-eleven it's the same kind of thing but she would let me go walk to the white hen or walk

to little spots around or the grocery store but in retrospect it was funny because now you you wouldn't you would never never never not only would you never if you did yeah you'd be arrested yeah you go to prison you would absolutely be endangered it would let him run it around there's no doubt about that but that but anyway so so cut going back towards her tough love was always a part of my family's thing and so because of that i think i had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own take the risk this whole career was is a part of my family's thing. And so because of that, I think I had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own, take the risk. This whole career is a risk,

whether or not people like it or to hear that, but like, it's a sketchy risk. I sat in bed when I first moved out here, sitting on a mattress, literally on the ground in a partitioned off dining room that I talked about last time I was here, sharing one bathroom with four guys, and I was scared I couldn't make $385 rent. I was so scared.

I was so scared that, I'm not kidding, I was like, if I sell enough blood or sperm or body parts, maybe I can pay rent again. I've looked into it. I talked about it here. You've been there. We've all been there where you're like, plasma, sperm. I've looked into plasma, but plasma was deep. I looked into sperm and my grandmom, you know, she's alive at the time, and she was very upset. She's a Catholic woman telling me that these are still my children. These are still my children. It's not some load I'm shooting into a fucking sock.

These are my kids out there. It is. But what I realized when I actually sat down, I started making phone calls, and there's no internet. I'm talking to all these nurses, these people, And what I learned was that you're only allowed to donate two samples and a certain mile radius because although it might be improbable, it's possible that those two could be male, female and live in that same. How many people do you know from high school stay in the same area? I mean, mean almost and then have children and unknown be incest wow isn't that crazy and i was like so you're telling me i only get two loads in maryland i mean i didn't think i'd have to go cross country

i was about to drop 20 in this area yeah maryland's not that big bro you gotta move you gotta move texas is great you use sperm map of tex, you can keep moving around. Texas, California, and Alaska. Houston one weekend, Dallas the next weekend. I got kids all running off. I thought about it, dude, and I got scared, and I thought, well, this is a bad idea. This is going to come back to haunt me. But anyway, so that anxiety is what I still carry today. As the man I am today, I don't think I'll ever get rid of it.

I'd like to think one day it will. Money doesn't solve that problem. No. Time, I think, will start to heal it as I get more comfortable with what I'm creating in my career. And also, I need to learn how to step away. Vacation Santino is the best version. My lady always says that to me. She's like, dude, you're the best on vacation.

I don't check my phone. I'm not on the internet. I don't give a fuck. There's no schedule. We don't plan shit. We just do it. We just walk around until we're like, this looks like a cool place to chill. We'll go hang out somewhere. We don't make grandiose plans. We literally go to the place that we want to go on vacation and we just figure it out as we go.

And if we can do it, we'll do it. If not, we won't. And then that's it. And that's what I love because I can't do that here. Here it's like noon to one, 1.30 to two, 2.30 to four, meet with this guy, call, call, stand up, stand up, stand up, go to bed, wake up, all over again. So the anxiety is fueled from not feeling like I... And not... Do enough, are enough. Are enough of a human outside of my job, which is that's where the anxiety comes from. And the depression comes from, you know...

You said you were diagnosed. What does that mean? And you said you were diagnosed what does that mean and and what how did you get diagnosed i think i had a pretty you know when i was in college i think i spoke about this but i had i had um on here i think i had uh i had ocular migraines that i still get sometimes i go blind in my left eye for how long i don't remember you i mean you may have very well sometimes 30 minutes sometimes up to an hour and a half i mean are you shitting yourself thinking you're gonna be well when it first happened i did and so i had like a like a break i mean i almost had like a psychotic break so i went to i had a severe panic attack i passed out

i couldn't breathe damn i went to the er because i thought i was going blind i thought something was wrong with my brain i did ms and CAT scans and blood work. And, you know, and my girlfriend at the time, God bless her, she did take me everywhere. You know, she was doing everything. And then I left her in Arizona when I moved. I can see now, bitch. I'm gone.

No, we had no business being together. was she was she was she had to fly free i had to go to la and fail but anyway but but she used to take me she would take me to er and all that stuff and um yeah after all this blood work got done and then i i went to the i went to see a few different doctors and they were like well what this is a combination of kind of like a not a psychotic break but I had an emotional breakdown because of my, the, the pressure of ending school. And if I was going to leave and where I was going to move and how I was going to start my career. And I just piled everything on my shoulders and let it sit and sit. And then it kind of all cracked at the same time. So the ocular migraines were a product of high amounts of stress, terrible diet,

no sleep. And it was all like the snapping point. My body just gave up. And it was kind of a sign of like me not taking care of myself at all. And on top, I was just hiding depression through not sleeping and partying and trying to forget about everything and not caring and pretending like I didn't have an attachment to my future. And then that was eye-opening for me to be like,

you have these, I had these heavy waves of emotion where I would get super, super high and really, really, really low, almost bipolar. And so I took- What are you feeling at your lowest? Like- Not, you know, this is not funny to joke about, not suicidal. No, no, it's not funny to joke about like, cause I know that's a real thing for people, but like, I never, that never came into my mind even a little bit. Like I thought that was crazy even when I was at my lowest.

But when I was at my lowest, I would think about, this is a really funny turn of phrase, ending it all, but not my life, ending whatever I'm doing, being like, I'm gonna disappear. I'm almost like social suicide. I see.

It was like, I'll leave everyone. I won't talk to anybody ever again. And I'll start something else somewhere else. What would you do? I mean- I know you've put thought into it. Yeah, back then I- But not enough, I'll bet.

No, but back then I used to just, and sometimes it enters my brain today of like, wouldn't it be wild to just, this is disgusting. It's almost sociopathic to be like, wouldn't it be wild to just leave and not tell anybody, friends and family, and just go get a labor job in the middle of nowhere, shave my head, you know what I mean? And go live in the middle of nowhere, nothing, and just work a job with my hands, go to work and go back to my little trailer. Yeah, Santino's roofing.

I'm telling you, out in Omaha. Yeah, he is, man. In the middle of nowhere. Yeah, I just want to live in the middle of nowhere and don't talk to anybody and just, that would be, that was my getaway. My getaway was like, what if I just left? And it's not like I'm leaving for another family or another thing. I just wanted to, I wanted to just shed all the pressure and the, that's how I, I think some people do feel that way, that they're like, what if I could just get rid of all this shit and just disappear and not die, but just try to start over again or something

because the pressure gets insane. So that's what I would feel when I was at my lowest was like, how do I, how do I get, how do I- Escape. Escape, yeah, how do I escape? I don't want to end my life, but- Just want to get out of this one. I want to get out of this one.

Yeah, it's wild. Which is funny that, it's funny because like, I always used to say, I'm too selfish to kill myself. You know how they say people that kill themselves are super selfish? I said, I'm so selfish, I won't kill myself because I want to to kill myself. You know how they say people that kill themselves are super selfish? I say, I'm so selfish I won't kill myself because I want to know what happens. You know what I mean?

I'm such a selfish, self-indulgent brat that I'm like, I want to know where this thing ends up. I don't want to take care of myself. I don't want to do that now. But- Now. I don't want to do it now. There's a-

You never know. But you know what we talked about? I talked about in the barber the other day, I said, we were listening to, I know I'm I'm jumping all over the place but that's how my brain is but

Future Islands is a great band you know who that is it's a great band dude you want to see a great performance Future Islands did a performance on David Letterman right at the end of Letterman's run and my god

you could always tell when Dave liked a band when he went over there and he was like oh wow like he would get it I mean hell he had the Foo Fighters

like what every night to close it out? But you could just feel when he liked somebody. When he didn't like, or when he didn't care for it or was whatever, he was like, hey, give it to this guy. How about that? That's great. Watch this performance of Future Islands on Letterman. It will blow your mind. He's so animated and the singer, he's beating his chest and Letterman was blown away.

And it kind of catapulted these guys. Anyway, I'm at the barber and he's got his chest and letterman was blown away and it kind of catapulted their these guys anyway i'm at the barber and he's got it on in the background i was like man the passion in this guy's songs and they're so um they're like so heartfelt and gut-wrenching a little bit like you can feel the sadness in them i love that shit oh it was so real but then i said we were just sitting there it was really quiet it was just me and him and the whole barbershop. And I said, I wonder if him playing those songs every weekend makes him sad. Because in the same way that comics, people don't understand,

it's like making people laugh sometimes can kind of get you in a down place because you're exuding all this energy to make other people feel, feel, feel, feel, feel. And sometimes you're not feeling much because you're so focused on making other people feel. And especially with music, if you're not connected to the music, you're not feeling much because you're so focused on making other people feel and especially with music if you're not connected to music you're probably playing bad music but if you're connected it's probably good fucking music oh yeah no matter no matter what

category in a grocery store yeah the bag of peas but i think i was like i wonder if that really hurt sometimes gets him down and that because we talked about how chris cornell committed suicide i was in that hotel how wild is that i was in detroit interviewing golden tate wait at the same time yep no i was there that same night i was there i was there we were there we were there holy fuck we were there because i was interviewing golden tate for a show i did called um here's the rub it was like this character driven show where i played this russian it's a whole thing it was was for Yahoo Sports. It was fun. How about that?

It goes back to get them, Russia. Get them, Russia. That's exactly right. It goes back. It goes all the way to the feast. But we were there, and I said about when Cornell killed himself at that hotel, I was like, did that dude play such a long career of passionate, heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching music that it finally caught up to him?

Like, man, I can't. That's interesting. I mean, I don't know if that's the case. Well, think about it. I do this five-minute journal every morning, and it's just an exercise of positivity, and you're writing positive things. I'm grateful for this. I am this.

I'm in the nighttime. These great things happen. What could I have done better? And it trains your brain to think glass, for me, half full, not half empty. Right. So if you're always writing something positive and it can shift your brain that way, it would make sense to me that if every day you wrote that you hated your life, you hated yourself, you hated your career, that, that, that would find you. It's going to go. Yeah. At some point. I mean, that makes sense to me. And it's not what he did. I don't know if I'm not a dog. Not all

of his songs were that, but I mean, a lot of his stuff was heart heart-wrenching it was good it was very for like his guts were out you know what i mean it just it was so real his version of nothing compares to you oh my god man that's unreal it's unreal he i just so anyway so we were talking about that and i thought you can let it get to you it really does get to you because when i had you know my little like break you really understood your body was just done dealing with your anxiety and your stress. So I'm learning how to manage it better. Exercising definitely helps me personally. Getting up in the morning and just going to do it, it's great. Something about it has changed the way I, also as you get older,

I can't eat the cheeseburger right before bed anymore. Those days are gone because you feel way worse in the morning. And I see it, I feel it, but going to the gym will make me mentally and physically feel better. So I've been doing, that's been my balance to battle anxiety and stress. And then also taking time to just go away. I take drives at night, which is- That's nice. Yeah, I do it all the time. It's kind of weird. At first she was, you know, she was adverse to it. She's like, where are you going? Where are you running?

Away. And I was like, I just like to sit in the car with no music on and just think. And I just take long drives. Because I used to do it when I was a teenager. I used to go for a drive all the time. Nobody does it now. But I just, because gas is 85 bucks a gallon. Yeah, you're fucking breaking the bank.

But, you know, join the Patreon so I can keep taking them rides. It's for my mouth. It's for my mouth, yeah. But I do, I'll take long drives. I'll go way up Santa Clarita. I'll go way out there, drive around. I don't know. It just gives me a way to like escape at night

because sometimes sitting in the house is like. Driving's always been a freedom. I love it, dude. I do too. I love it so much. I hate being a passenger. Yeah Driving's always been a freedom. I love it, dude. I do too. I love it so much. I hate being a passenger. Yeah, no, I hate it. I hate it.

I don't want to be in your car. I want to be in my car and I want to drive it. And I want to be driving. Yeah, wherever I want to go. Yeah. So that kind of helps me, but I found little tricks to help me out. But that's not to say, dude, I don't get, I get, there's bad days, there's bad weeks. You know, luckily I don't have bad months.

I don't go through big chunks like that, but I go through consecutive days, consecutive weeks, and then I'll slowly start to turn out of it. And what's usually a shift that helps you? Talking to family helps a lot. Talking to my mom, perspective. And then also, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, but work like a lot of times getting up on stage when i'm in a bad way does help me kind of get to a better balance like see there's a community that loves you and appreciates you fans and and our friends and then there's like it's like it like rejiggers rejiggers your your ins hey man, don't you know? People value you, you value them, you value this world.

You've put work into this thing. There's a mutual, you know, there's a reciprocation in this thing that you've built. So go be in it. So sometimes being in it helps me get away from being deep and in my head and stressed out and sad. And, you know, although I like to escape from work, but sometimes work is the thing that goes, hey, work being standup specifically.

Yeah. But like, it just gets me back to like, you know, knowing there's a community that cares, that you've built, that you love, that you care about and cares about you. And that's a nice comfort to have. It's the same way that, you know, people who actually enjoy their jobs, they do probably because the community is kind of nice. It's nice to go talk to people at work. It's nice to work with clients that you get along with, that you get to joke with. It feels the same way to us as a guy who's in sales or a girl who's in, you know, marketing or whatever the people that, whatever you're doing.

I think like when you have the community, it helps you kind of feel okay again a little bit. Yeah. Because you know that we're all going through kind of feel okay again a little bit. Yeah. Because you know that we're all going through shit. So it's like no one's exempt. That's why I did this show. Yeah. You go look at everyone's social media. It's everybody's highlights.

Yeah. And this is the fucking total opposite of that page. Right. This is the not-stagram. The lowlights, brother. The not-stagram. The outstagram. Outstagram.

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Her name's Libby. We're still really good friends. This was 2000. She'll probably hear this. So what's up, girl? What's up, girl? And at the time- She's turning it up right now in the car.

She's like, oh my God. Uh-huh. Her brother, her younger brother was born with cancer in his eye and they had to remove his eye at birth and then they gave him radiation and they didn't realize back then that the radiation could cause later in life problems so he kept having problems problems problems well this tumor kept growing and they told him they were going to Michigan keeps coming up. I'm pretty sure it was Detroit. They were going to some world-renowned specialist there that said like the main artery that runs into the heart is growing over this tumor. And I've got to be able to remove that tumor from the artery. And basically everyone

needs to come here and say their goodbyes because the odds of this are not great right she flies she's dealing with so much at the time um and then gets there and she's talking to me on the phone in the car with her mom they've just left the hospital their uncle's right behind them they're just running down the street to get food for everybody to bring back or some clothes or something. And I hear her say, she goes, oh, my head. And then I hear the phone drop. And I hear her mother start screaming her name like someone just pulled up and shot her in the head. And what I find out later is the stress and everything hit her.

She had a full-on seizure. She's never had another one. She had a full-on seizure. Her's never had another one. She had a full-on seizure. Her mom's got her son in the hospital. They say, by the way, he lived, saying he's going to die. And then her daughter's in the car. They're having a seizure right now. And this woman is losing it.

And it was all a system shutdown. It was system overload and fuck this, reset. Turn off the lights. And she's lucky. She's never had a problem again with it. But it was a one and done, reset off the lights and she's lucky she's never had a problem again with it but it was a one and done like full-on holy shit wow i mean have you ever had a physical thing where your body stops yeah when um i split from my daughter's mom i ended up getting kidney stones and and then they went away but then my legs started clotting hard both legs

to when i i went to the hospital. I've talked about it on the air. Some people are like, here we go. But anyway, I'm sitting in the Star Wars movie a few years back, 2016. And I'm rubbing my legs. I can feel my veins through my jeans. I'm like, what the fuck? I call the hospital.

They're like, you're clotting. You need to get here right now. So I drive there. And they ask me me because my legs are black and blue and they're like is someone at home hurting you and i was like come on for real like we have that my daughter yeah my daughter it's bad it's you won't believe what she's doing and it was just it was crazy it was six months of them thinking i've said it before i actually like saying it because it's so powerful to me um they're like you may have leukemia you might have lymphoma they're telling me all these things and then they're like we're running blood tests

you have to wait two weeks to find out if you have cancer and i'm just like great talking about thanks this will be a fun two weeks just gives me his personal cell phone number and he's like if you have any problems call me i'm like this is And he's like, if you have any problems, call me. I'm like, this is your – he's like, yeah. I said I've never been more scared in my life. He's like, you seem pretty calm. I'm like, what am I going to do? You just gave me your personal cell phone number. I can call you on Sunday if I need to.

He's like, yeah. I go, that means you think something might happen. He's like, just call me if you need me. I'm like, oh, my God, dude. God damn. And then I went in. And when the lady said – she wasn't supposed to tell me, she's like, how are you? I'm like, I'm scared to death.

You know, I don't know what I'm about to hear. And she's like, I'm not supposed to tell you, but you're fine. And I was like, I don't have cancer. She's like, no. I was like, oh. She's like, how do you feel? I go, I just feel like a monkey's off my back. Yeah.

And then she said, well, I'm going to tell you something. It's my job every day to tell people in here that they have cancer and today i got to tell you that you didn't and i'm telling you from my point of view go fucking celebrate that shit tonight i was like i am definitely i'm gone that yeah that was awesome that's wild yeah so i ended up with this fucking blood disease that i didn't know i had that i have what is it called it's called called Factor 5 Lighten. You made that up. He forgot what it was. That's what it's called.

Factor 19. It's called 9285 Go Route, Hook, Slip, Cowboy Run. You're giving me football plays a lot. It means my- Factor 5. Yeah, 5 means my blood's thick. It's prone to clotting. Eight, factor eight, I've been told is the thin.

The people who have – Thin blood. Bleed out. Yeah. So I have thick blood that's prone to clotting, and I'm the asshole on the plane that has to wear my compression pants and then get up and go stand in the – I have to.

Wait, what? Oh, they're just compression. They're not the – I don't wear the socks i have to wear the pants the full like like if i pull my pants off i'd look like to running up and down the fucking plane running my 40 isn't it good that your blood your blood your blood clots faster isn't it's better to clot faster than slower right but it also can clot in my body and saying clots to my heart my brain my lungs that's that's the worry it's not when you're cut open and then i, right? But it also can clot in my body and send clots to my heart, my brain, my lungs. That's the worry. It's not when you're cut open

and I'm going to bleed out. It's that inside me. I'm prone to throwing clots. You know what PRP is? Do you know what that is? Platelet-rich plasma. They use this for a myriad of things. Is this the spinning stuff?

That's exactly right. Plasma. That's how they extract it, right? So they put it in a machine. You can inject it in all sorts of stuff. This is it. Lance Armstrong used to do this shit. Well, PRP is the thing that most, a lot of athletes use.

And I agree. This is what they get in trouble for, right? No, no, no, no. This is totally legal. It should be. It's your going back into your body, right? Yeah, this is totally okay. Okay.

And regularly people use it all the time for, when you get stem cell injections, sometimes like that, PRP helps for like, they'll put it for stimulation of growth either like your hair your muscles your back like there's a million different ways the prp helps but the platelet-rich plasma it gets divided i did this one time i divided the i got it done you did yeah and what do you do and when the and when the guy when the guy the guy when the doctor separated it twice, he couldn't believe how fast the blood clotted. And he was like, that's a little weird. And it got me scared to shit.

Because like that, when I was- Listen, go get tested. No, no, no. It was okay. Oh, okay. I did get my blood tested. I got my blood tested thereafter because I had this other thing,

this other health scare for a little while. So what are they doing for you? They're doing this to do what? He's removing this because I wanted to see if plasma can help me. Okay. So he says, oh, it's clogging really fast. And he shows me how fast it is, how fast it's doing that.

So I got really scared. So it was kind of on the heels of this other health scare that I had that I don't want to get into, but I had gone to the doctor and I had told him all about that and he ran my blood and he ran my blood. And when he came in, kind of that feeling that you had, but it was almost like a bit for him because he was like, you won't believe this. And I was like, I was like upside down inside. And he goes, this is great blood. I was like, what the fuck? I was ready to beat the shit out of him.

He was like, yeah, this is great. This looks great. You're doing good. This is really, really good. He's like, we were kind of scared that maybe because of this health scare that I had that, he's like, there was something that we were looking for maybe.

He's like, this is great blood. And the reason he said that is because of this health scare that I had, that he's like, there was something that we were looking for maybe. He's like, this is great blood. And the reason he said that is because he says, you know, how's your diet and all that stuff. I said, look, I like drinking alcohol. I eat like shit when I'm on the road. I haven't been sleeping that much. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm not gonna lie. I like the sauce and I like to eat shitty foods.

So I was scared he was gonna be, you won't believe this. He's like, you got fucking Velveeta in your veins, my dog he was gonna be, you won't believe this. You know, he's like, you got fucking Velveeta in your veins, my dog. Yeah, bro, you got Velcro in that mouth. But when he does that, when they do that and they give you that scare, but also it kind of turned me on

to getting back to working out again. The pandemic, dude, I put down, I was putting down so much unhealthy shit, food and booze and being lazy. And then I hurt my back. I blew my back out. It's gotta be seven months now, eight months now. I have a hairline fracture in my back.

Damn. It's fixed now. I think, we think. There's still a herniation on my disc. I can show you the photos. It's wild. How'd you do that? Running.

Just from running? I used to run like five. You didn't fall? No, I used to run like five to eight miles a day and I would run to the gym, lift, and then run home. And then he was saying I wasn't stretching enough and I would run to the gym, lift, and then run home. And then he was saying I wasn't stretching enough and I had an irritation and I had a mini little fracture from the compression of running. I was running incorrectly, truly is what it was. Your foot's supposed to be right

below your center of gravity, right? You've seen when great track runners, they do that leg kick up and it looks like they're skipping when they're warming up. That's to try to get their foot to plant directly below their center core, right? A lot of to try to get their foot to plant directly below their center core, right? A lot of people try to run with their feet out in front of them. It's incorrect. Your feet are supposed to be below you. By the time your body hits, it should be a directly center core. If you drove a stake through my head, it should go right down through my foot, hypothetically. But I was running probably more outward. You know what I mean? I wasn't stretching enough afterwards. So I got a little herniation and i mean a little fracture and then my disc

herniated and pushing my l4 l5 and the fucking pain from that shit was yeah that back pain unspeakable any pain dude i was on the i was on the airplane doing this i was rubbing my legs like you're rubbing your legs in star wars And the flight attendant comes up to me and she goes, are you okay? And I'm thinking, she thinks I'm a meth head and I'm just like waiting to get to Phoenix so I can jump, you know, hit it again. And I'm like, and I go, I'm okay, I'm all right.

And she goes, you know, my husband has it. If you want me, I can get you ice. And I was like, oh, cause she could tell. She could just see by looking at it. She gave me a big bag ice and I put it on the arch of my back and it helped a little bit. But dude, for three months, the pain for me was unbearable. Like to a degree where I couldn't

believe it. It felt shocking. Like I tore ligaments in my leg. I've been knocked out. I've been in car accidents. I've chipped my teeth. I've broken bones. My nose has been broken three times. I've had all sorts of shit. Nothing was as painful as the herniation for me because the hairline fracture was so- I've been there. Oh my God, dude. I had a herniation for me because the hairline fracture was so i've been here oh my god dude i had a herniated disc i fucked up because they didn't train us properly in weight training in ninth grade and they're just telling us to go do the squats hard as you can lift it and get on your name on the wall up here they don't care how you get it up they don't tell you to keep your back straight i'll just go under there and throw that weight up

yeah bend down use your back to pick up those weights. So many of us have fucked up backs still from high school from that. Sports, yeah. And I got to a point where I was working at E at the time, and I'm out on these shoots, and I can't fucking feel my leg. I can't feel it. And every night I lay in bed, and it's to the point of where I'm almost in tears from the fucking pain.

Same, same. And I would get in my car, and I would sit, and it's to the point of where I'm almost in tears from the fucking pain. Same, same. And I would get in my car and I would sit and I would just move millimeters until I could find a sweet spot. Not a spot where I'm like, that feels great. No. A spot where I could drive without crying and wanting to just veer into traffic and kill myself and that person. Okay.

Like I know where you've been. So my friend says he got an epidural for his. Yeah. So I go to he got an epidural for his. So I go to get this epidural, right? And I lay on the bed and the doctor shows me the needle. I'm like, that fucking thing? He's like, yeah. Oh, bro.

It's like two feet. And then we're talking and whatever. And he goes, okay, you're done. And I laugh. And he's like, what are you laughing at? I'm like, come on. He's like, we're done. I go, no. You didn't even touch my body. He's like, you didn't feel that? I go come on. He's like, we're done. I go, no.

You didn't even touch my body. He's like, you didn't feel that? I go, no. He's like, listen to me. I turn around. He's like, we're done. He's like, you didn't feel that? I go, I didn't feel anything.

He goes, okay. I want you to come back in two weeks. Just chill out and come back in two weeks. I come back again. He does another one. That one, I mean, man, I can still mentally think about it because that medicine touched the nerve and i don't know if you've you ever stick your tongue on a battery or even worse you ever get shot you know you know i was licking batteries as a kid that's why we get along you know i was licking batteries

these kids are licking batteries. I think they stopped making them because they're like, ah. These kids are licking these batteries. Putting them on your braces and shit. Chewing on tinfoil with braces. We used to do the electric fence. We'd have an electric fence near us, and we'd touch it, but then you'd grab somebody else. Yeah, you'd grab your friend and they'd hit it. Cut it out. You'd hold on to those motherfuckers. That's what it feels like.

That's what it felt like. A surge. And, man, it shot like lava down my leg and i was like oh fuck but it worked i've only had to have i'd say in the 15 years of fucking it up i've probably had that procedure like three times so i never got one i never got the shot because i didn't want to go through with it because they were like once you start you keep doing usually they say it's maintenance it and it could be but my doctor was straight up he goes listen ryan i'm not gonna let you do this.

Eventually, we'll figure something else out. But he's like, if you keep shooting this, it'll be dust. He's like, it will turn it to dust. Right. So. Yes. I've done it three times. That's all right. I don't want to start.

I don't want to start. I'll go with you. I don't want to start it because then you get hooked. I want to get hooked. I'm telling you, I've had three in 15 years. If somebody told me they did cocaine three times in 15 years, I would not say they're hooked. No, but you need it now forever.

Now you're going to keep doing it. I want to get to a place where I don't need to get stabbed. I'm going to need a wheelchair eventually probably. I'm really probably going to need one. Cut to this right now. You and me in the chairs 20 years. I'm going hard if I'm in a chair though. Yeah, why not?

I want a nice chair too. I want a real nice chair. Give me more spinners on that. Spin me out, baby. Spin me. What did you say to me before the show that made me laugh? If you told me 120 years ago, if you said, I'm going to go get 700 more horses. Yeah, you said you're going to go soup your car up with 250 more horsepower.

Yeah. And I said, could you imagine if we were in the fucking old days in the fields and you just came over to me like, I'm just going to go get 250 more horsepower. Yeah. And I said, could you imagine if we were in the fucking old days in the fields and you just came over and be like, I'm just going to go get 250 more horses. Yeah, 250 more horses. Put it on this wagon.

Put it on this one wagon. 750 horses on this one wagon. All right, you guys ready? This selfish son of a bitch. These guys are over here with their one horse like, yeah, this selfish son of a bitch.

I got to probably be Tommy Lee on the drums with all the whips. Come on, let's go, let's go. What a time. Yeah, what a time to be alive. Yeah, I want to go get a fast car for no other reason than I, man, do I love fast cars. All right, let me ask you about this because we've talked about your dad before. Yeah.

How old are you now? 38. 38. Do you want to be a dad? Yeah. Do you do you yeah you went high pitched on me a little bit no yeah i do i do i just think it's a it's not up to me it's up to the universe okay you know what i mean are you trying yeah okay yeah so you actively want to be a father yeah i do i do i just say yeah like if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen and that's okay. That kind of thing. And I'm not 28 anymore, you know? Yeah.

38's a different world. But, you know, I've come to some semblance of like acceptance over like, well, it's okay if not. There's this weird pressure, just like this weird pressure to get married, move in with people and be in long-term relationships and cohabitate and create these kind of family structural units, which I'm not saying they're good or bad. People can make their

own decisions in life, but there is societal pressure also to like make that, make a family. And so having a kid thing was always on a back burner because I was working like a dog. And then now it's like, well, I don't want, I do want to do that, but there is a piece of me that says if it doesn't happen, that's also okay. But if it does, how do you feel your anxiety, your issues? Do you feel? I don't think it would change much. I mean, look.

You don't think it would be worse? No, I don't think so. I really don't. I'm not going to sit here and be like, it's going to make everything better, but I don't think it's going to make anything worse. I'll say that. I'll probably be the same man that I am.

You will be. With or without a kid. Yeah, you will be. But I'll also be, you know, I think I'll, it'll force me to have more involvement outside of my own shit, which I think that's a health. That's what's healthy about kids for people. I always see that like they become more of another thing. Well, this is the thing. You're worried about how much of a person

you are outside of comedy. Totally. Wait till you see who you are when you have a kid. Right. Then you become a, you have a choice.

You gotta become a good person. So that's the healthy version of it. I mean, well, you have a choice. You could be a shitty person. You could just not talk to the kids. Right. I mean, you know, you have three kids in Oklahoma

that you don't talk to, but we're not in. I spread them around, bro. I got, no, it's Texas. Texas. I mean, they might have settled in Oklahoma. They might have moved up to Oklahoma. I got a buddy that I think has a kid in Ireland.

What do you mean? We were out there together, and he, you know, Irish Catholic girls, they're as fertile as Mexican chicks. I mean, they have kids. They're popping them all out. And he hooked up with this girl all night long. They were hooking up and we were young. We were 20, 21, maybe. I mean, they were both ripe. You know what I mean? And they hung out all night long. I don't even know if it was more than one

day that they were hooking up, but they were like in love. They were good kids. You know what I mean? They were like rabbits. And then we left Ireland and he never knew who this girl was, never spoke to her again, but he certainly wasn't bagging it. He didn't bag it at all. He was flying free. No, man.

So I think he might have a little Irish kid running around. We joke about it all the time. I said, I bet you do. How long ago? Well, look, it's what? You know,

it was 18 years ago. The kid's got to be in college. Now you can look him up because you don't know what child support is. Now's the time to start researching. So you're my real,

you're my real, you're my real father, are you? What if it was tomorrow? He's 18. You're going to finally pay for college? Are you going to pay for my college? You got away for 18 years,

pops. Pay for my schooling. Yeah. I think about that all the time. I'm like, could he have been, could I have been a dad before? But I was always safe before.

I was in college. I was so scared. Always? I was so scared. Unless it was a girlfriend. But I was always so scared in college. Well, still a girlfriend. No, but I knew it didn't happen.

Do you know what I mean? Like that was different. At least if I was out being a college kid, it was like. And you never see that person again. You never know. I was so scared. I was so scared. And I got an STD in college and I had a condom on.

How the fuck did you do that? It's a skin rash. It wasn't. It was like a... I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. And I went to the campus doctor. She laughed at me. I was like, do you think I could die from this?

She's like, what are you fucking nuts? It's on your pelvis. She's like, shut up up she gave me like one pill and some cream it was gone like 12 hours she's like you're at arizona state this is your this is the only thing you're worried about arizona state i had a guy came in here with herpes on his ear you're fine you're gonna be fine he was just listening yeah tell me again baby say it again He was listening. Yeah, he was listening. Tell me again, baby.

Say it again. Herpes on your motherfucking ear, man. He was listening. She's like, you never listen to me. He's like, I am now. I'm all over you. Tell me, baby. Say what you want to say. Make that pussy talk.

No, he, yeah, she was mocking me almost. Yeah, but I was, I spent, so I spent all that time avoiding making a baby and then now you're like now i have to now i'm trying now i'm actively trying i did too forever and then i wondered could i you know because i'm 40 when i did it you gotta get it i mean 40 is when she got pregnant so i was 41 when she was born. She was 39. Right. So you're cutting it clear. You're getting right to the edge of possibilities.

And I was like, all right, let's go for it. So we just did one to do one. What do you mean just one? We didn't look at apps or timing or anything. We just had, my friend calls it married people sex. We're just blowing loads in each other. And then it was get an app and're just blowing loads in each other. Flying. And then it was get an app and, all right, here's my ovulate.

Here's the dates. Here's the this. Second time didn't work, and then the third one did. And I knew when it was because it was after Larson's baby shower, and I told her. I was in the middle of the day. I was like, we got baby stank on us right now. This is how you get a baby to go.

We went home and day fucked. Day fucking is the best fucking. And I knew. I knew. I was like, that's the one, and that was the one. Your daughter should have been called day. now this is this is how you gotta get it go we went home and day fucked and i knew i knew i was like that's the one and that was the one your daughter should have been called day day sickler i'm gonna start calling her day come here day come here day come here near papa why do you call me day papa it's my it's my favorite time i love the day get that afternoon one on it was on a Saturday you know do you fucking do you like it at night

or in the morning my preference is night my preference is night I'm a night person I like comedy at night I'm a night person first thing in the morning

give it to me right as we wake up I don't mind the mornings I like stankin ass breath yeah I like nasty sheets I can't smell it now anyway so it's all good

that's right you're still on that you can't smell or taste still nope there's a smell in the air now like i was walking yesterday how long has it been a year in a year in december i was walking with my daughter and evan we're walking i go what's is there garlic in the air right now she's like no that's fucking it's like pine tree that got cut down i'm like that smells just like the dinner we had the other night yeah that's like the smell so when you're

eating dinner you're still not you're not tasting dinner at all? No. Damn. No. I taste things. I'll taste chemical. There's a taste, but it's certainly not what it tastes like. What do they say?

Are you going to get it back? I was going to say, my doctor, I said to him, I go, hey, man. And my doctor's awesome. He's the one that's gone, found everything wrong and helped me with it. I go, man, I still can't smell. And he's like, really? I go, yeah, you said that shit was going to be like six months or whatever. I go, man, I still can't smell. And he's like, really? I go, yeah, you said that shit was going to be like six months or whatever. I go, we're coming up on a year.

And he just looked at me and goes, yeah, it's fucked up. I go, seriously, that's all you're going to say? That's it. I don't need any med school. I go, is it ever going to come back? He's like, I don't know. I'm like, get the fuck out. He's like, well, you're saying things are happening now.

I go, yeah. He's like, so maybe something's happening. I go, I don't need. Again, I got that. Yeah. Dude, you're the things are happening now. I go, yeah. He's like, so maybe something's happening. I go, I don't need. Again, I got that. Yeah. Dude, you're the only one I know that's lasted that long. Yeah, it sucks. I'm the only one out of everybody I know that's got it that's lasted this long.

I don't know one other person. I know people are out there, but personally, I'm the only one that's still affected with smell and taste. It's been a year and two weeks. Did you even get the vaccine? Or did you get it while you had the vaccine? No. I got it in December of last year and then got vaccinated. I think it was March the first one and April the second one.

I've been fine since, but just the smell and the taste. God, bro. That's so long. It's way too long. I can't wait until it comes back for you. Me too. It will. I think it will. I can't wait until it comes back for you. Me too. It will. I think it will.

I hope so. Pizza was the thing I ate that brought me back. A piece of pizza. I wish. I've had plenty of that. I know. I've had plenty of fucking pizza. Joe's should have did it that night.

Are you even enjoying food? I eat by memory. At first, I gained weight because I was just depressed or whatever, bummed. Then I was like, fuck this. And I dropped like 20 pounds, 15 pounds, I'll be honest. And then I just started eating normal again, but just by memory. You know, I know what that fucking pizza tastes like. I know what a cheeseburger tastes like.

Does it taste good? But the minute something tastes, like i could start to taste chemicals in food you know what i mean like that's why when you i go get a chick-fil-a sandwich i can taste that oil and stuff in it that you can't normally taste whoa it sucks damn it's all good i'm alive i don't care i'm alive yeah you're fine you're good i'm alive god bro that is so crazy a friend just hit me up and said they got covid this morning literally this morning i'm supposed to do something on Thursday. Back to the morning.

You're like the fuck in the morning at your spot? I'm like the fuck in the morning, dude. I'm fucking in the morning. Something about how dirty we are in the morning. You're nasty. The sheets are all fucked up. And I like that our breath smells. I like that you have stinky breath.

I like that you're not your sexiest. I like that your hair is all fucked up. I do like the fucked up hair. I just like the, we look like shit together.'re like because we're animals i like the animal thing because when we go out to a nice dinner and you have wine and you have a meal and you get home and you're and you're like tired and swollen from being out and talking and hanging i don't want to fuck i want to go to bed i want to fuck and then eat oh okay see i can fuck and then i'm talking about like a little eight o'clock fucking

and then we go get a little 9.30 dinner. That's fine. Yeah. Or order in. But after being out, I don't want to come home and that's not for me. No, all full and everything.

No, I'm exhausted. But first thing in the morning because it's sloppy. It's gross. The only problem is if you have a dog, you got to make sure the dog is not around because the dog will just sit on the bed and watch you fucking.

You catch a glimpse of the dog, it's the worst shit on earth because they're just like, what are you doing? What are you doing her that looks that looks like it hurts hurts i the dog thing drives me fucking that afternoon's a good one too on like a saturday that surprise attack come back from target or something just yeah get it don't even know what's they're getting out of the shower are you serious yeah right now right now give it to me right now right now look down i'm fucking I'm ready to take off. You can hit the button on this thing.

It's gone. Sometimes I'm in the middle of the night too. That's even weirder. If I wake up in the middle of the night to like piss or something, sometimes I'll nudge and be like, hey. Like a 2 a.m.er? Yeah, sometimes. In the dead middle of the night, 2, 3 in the morning.

Sometimes I'll get away with it. Most of the time she's like, get the fuck out of here. She don't, they don't. Just sort off. Well, they're just down there. They're over it. They're like, get out of here. I'm tired.

But your testosterone, you know, you're, you're actually, uh, your testosterone peaks the highest first thing in the morning. So technically men are more prone to have sex earlier. Is that why we wake up with erections? Your testosterone is peaking in first thing in the morning. It's when you're, it's when your testosterone levels are the highest, apparently is first thing in the morning. That's why we wake up with erections. Your testosterone is peaking first thing in the morning. It's when your testosterone levels are the highest, apparently, is first thing in the morning. That's why it's harder. A lot of guys don't like to fuck at night because you're like, I don't know if I can go to bed.

I've been working all day. I'm just a night person. I've always been. I mean, we all are. Yeah, no, I am a night person. I mean, you have to be a night person. But at night, I like to work. Yeah.

Like my brain is in firing mode instead of in, you know, like sexy turned on mode. That doesn't get there for me at night. Usually it's I'm thinking about what's coming up or what I'm doing or where I'm going. And that clogs, you know what I mean? That clogs up that part of my brain. Yeah, that's what I use to unclog it. That's exactly what I'm using to unclog it. Do you like to smoke and then have sex?

I smoke all the time anyway, so it doesn't bother me. But I do like to smoke and then have sex i smoke all the time anyway so it doesn't bother me but um i do like to smoke and then have sex because my senses are heightened yeah um i don't like it music sounds really good i feel like the feeling of it was really good yeah i don't like to fucking i don't drink i don't sound drinking well i don't like to i don't like to get drunk and fuck either that's not fun i mean maybe we were young, it was just like a supplement of getting over nerves. But now as an adult, sober fucking. I'm out here sober fucking. I don't want anything in my body.

Just because I'll feel a lot better than sloppy. Spoken like a true man. I don't want anything in my body during sex. Get these beads out of my ass now. Don't put those beads in there. I was sleeping.

Nothing in my body. Oh, my God. All right, Papa. Daddy, I got to go. I love you. I know. We got to get you out of here right now. No, no, no.

Right now. We're going to wrap this up. I love you. I love you. I'm happy that I came back and did this. I'm glad you're- This sits on my desk, by the way, this this honeydew cup this is one of four mugs i've got this who uses before me you everybody gets a new why would i ever give somebody a used

mug i don't know what she's up to i don't know what your producer's up to we wash she's like he left it they're in a box we wash it's yours it, Rogan, and Mark Maron are the three mugs that sit on my desk. Yeah, I'll send it. I'm going to send it to you. That's yours, too. Now you've got a double night. You can book in. Rogan and Maron's podcast, Mugs With Mine. Your mugs are much nicer. Thank you.

Maron's look like he made it in his shed. Just back there with a kiln. Rogan doesn't even know he had mugs. He doesn't even know. Those are ours? We give gift bags? Are we giving away Teslas every time someone does the show? Tesla! even know he had he doesn't even know he's like those are ours we give gift bags yeah are we giving away

Teslas every time someone does the show Tesla yeah take a model 3 dude on your way out thanks dude yeah

I gotta go down I haven't been to Austin have you seen Tommy and those guys I've seen him here not down there I saw him in Cancun we linked up in Cancun

for that thing that was the last time I've seen anybody because those guys all actually I was in Austin beginning of pandemic to go say hi to Joe Not down there. I saw him in Cancun. We linked up in Cancun for that thing. That was the last time I've seen anybody because those guys all... Actually, I was in Austin beginning of pandemic to go say hi to Joe because I was going to Dallas. But otherwise, everybody left us, man. Everybody's gone.

It's all good. It's us. We're here. Well, I love you, brother. I love you. Thank you, man. Plug whatever. Tour, all of it.

Yeah, come see me. I said at the beginning, come see me. Go to andrewsantino.com for the tickets. andrewsantino.com. Come see me. Otherwise, that's the only way to see me. That to andrewsantino.com for the tickets. andrewsantino.com. Come see me. Otherwise, you know, that's the only way to see me.

That and the Bad Friends podcast and Whiskey Ginger. I'm not going to be back on TV until, shit, who knows. I mean, we're not shooting season three of Dave until July.

I've watched every fucking episode. If we do it, we might not even do it. Really? Yeah, FX. I mean, they have to close a deal

and Dave is making music. So, you know, they said maybe this summer, but otherwise, you know, I'm chilling. I did a couple of movies. I did a Netflix movie with Kevin Hart. Oh, yeah.

That'll come out. I'd said it like I'm in the movie with him. It's his movie. I'm in a scene in the movie. It's still his movie. No, it was fun. Him and Mark Wahlberg. So anyway, go to andresantino.com.

Buy those tickets. Come see me live. That's how you want to indulge in comedy. You want to help the vibe. Come see me live. That's it, man. Therege in comedy. You want to help the vibe. Come see me live. There it is. As always, RyanSickler.com.

Ryan Sickler on all social media. Talk to y'all next week. I'm out.