The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Anthony Jeselnik - HoneyBlade

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Anthony Jeselnik! Anthony Highlights the Lowlights of trying to sell a knife in school, getting caught, and the fallout! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: Upstart: Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to https://UPSTART.com/HONEYDEW. Stamps.com: Get a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale by going to https://Stamps.com and using promo code HONEYDEW. Candid: Candid can help you get the straighter, brighter smile you’ve always wanted! Get started from home for just $20 with a Candid starter kit at https://CandidCO.com/honeydew and use code honeydew. Manscaped: Get 20% off and free shipping with the code HONEYDEW at https://manscaped.com.

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Upstart, Stamps.com, Candid, and Manscaped. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pants studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media. Listen, the Night Pants Nation tour is kicking off September 16th through the 18th in Phoenix, Arizona. All right? This is a gratitude tour.

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And we've got Maverick Reed, my cowboy. Now, y'all know what we do here. We highlight the low lights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. There is nobody I've been wanting to have on this podcast as dark as this next guy who actually his smile brings a light to my damn face ladies and gentlemen for the first time on the honeydew please welcome anthony jeselnik everybody welcome to the honeydew i feel like just saying it's my first time is pretty optimistic

listen bro you get to get you'll get that haircut again in a few months. We'll have you back. We'll work around your sketch. First of all, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. I know we go back a ways in comedy, and I'm super stoked to have you on. Because like I say, you know people, but we talked about it before we were recording. Comedy is a solo sport, so you only get to know them so much yeah but also like i think we when we kind of started together at the same

time and you were one of those guys i don't know if you felt this way about me but if i saw you at a show i was like relieved i was like okay like we've got good people on the show that's nice thank you we're in a sea of hopeless losers who are never gonna make it and so i would like see you doing the same funny like all right funny. Like, all right, cool. Like if I saw you were Segura, I was like, all right, good. Like Jay Larson or somebody was like, okay, like I'm on a good lineup tonight. But we never know you felt that way about me ever.

Yeah. No, because I've sat and had conversations with you about other comedians. And when I leave, all I think is, what the fuck does he say about me? My God. I don't want to know nothing bad uh i believe you dude yeah always i mean look i i can i tell you this though i you know i always talk about you

the two the two jokes that always stand out in my head and i i don't want to do this but i'm going to do it because they're so fucking good and it's what i remember and it's literally the world cafe it might be the first time i met you might have been the World Cafe. It was definitely around that time. And that was a great Wednesday night because Swordsman would roll anybody. And I feel the same way. Like, okay, this is a good show. I knew back then if I was the best comic on the show, it was a horrible show.

Back then, I knew that. But I believe your joke went, I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law is beating my sister. I don't have proof, but her cooking has gotten a lot better. Did I get it right? Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. Pretty good for years. I remember I was going to do that joke on Premium Blend.

Like the first TV appearance, I had like, here's my list of jokes. And I've got maybe like 15 jokes. And they're like, you can't tell this joke. And I'm like, listen, this joke is like, like this joke works like i understand it's like domestic violence and it's also the way it's so silly and absurd like let me talk to standards and practices and they get me on the phone with these two women on like a speaker call and i'm trying to convince them that this is funny and they're like they're just getting madder and madder and they're like i get it it's like a joke you're like uncle would tell who's not very funny and i'm like so

that makes me mad and i'm like no this is this joke is fine and they're like it's about women getting beaten and i'm like no okay and finally they were like you know what we'll let you do the joke and and we'll see in the edit and i was like i know what's gonna happen you're about to cut this out but i will never defend a domestic violence joke against two women ever again it's like what but it's not really domestic violence because what you say is i'm pretty sure there's doubt here in in the setup yeah she may have just gotten better at cooking but hey i know one thing cooking is better i'm not saying but i am saying this i even think like i haven't seen any bruises you know it's like there's nothing like if the only evidence is your cooking's gotten better that i was like no one's

getting just discovered i was like no one's getting beaten in that joke you're not sure but people are eating well and that's i mean come on man so that was the one i really loved and i like a moron was at a writing gig and I told that joke and there were three women in the group who might have been on that same call and did not – and I was like, no, listen. They were like, we don't want to hear it. I was like, all right. I'll just go. Oh, anytime I've been like in like a car or something and like the driver is like, what are you – you're a comedian. Like tell me a joke.

It always goes so, so badly. Like unless you like get to see the whole movie. You know what I mean? Yeah, of course. Here's a scene of someone getting murdered. They're just like, this is horrifying. But if you, like, watch the movie. That guy raped nine kids.

Oh, okay. Justified. Yeah. The other one, too, that I tell, I still tell it is, I'm close on this one, I think, is I told my mom that when I turned 18, I wanted to get a motorcycle. And she said, absolutely not. That when my uncle was 18, he died in a horrific motorcycle accident and i could just have his i mean your timing is way off and the wedding's not perfect but yeah i get people get the point yeah it's like that was

that was like my first joke where i was like oh maybe i'm good at this yeah yeah that was the first one that was like that's what turned me on to you i would sit in the back of the world cafe and be like who the fuck is this guy you've always reminded me of like this um like a dark stephen wright you know and you did it your way i remember hearing a story about you submitted your jokes for your half hour you didn't even shoot you just because it's one after the other you just wrote them and submitted it that way which i don't think anybody no had ever not only done if they did they probably looked at i'm like who's this fucking moron because they would take the tape and then they would transcribe it themselves and i was like let me just do that for you i i know exactly what i'm going to be saying here you go that way they couldn't like if they that way if they got mad about a joke

i would say if you heard it you would be okay with it and they'd be like okay you can put it in and we'll edit around whatever but like i remember half hour, they edited out the motorcycle joke. It was my second joke. And I was furious. I was like, that's one of my best jokes ever. And you took it out for time? For time? Like, oh, the half hour.

God damn. All right, enough of that. I just want to tell you how, you know, we do go back a ways. And I remember that's made an impact on me as joke writers go out there and you're absolutely at the top of the fucking list so please after all that promote plug everything you'd like uh just i'm right now i'm just uh you know running around town doing sets trying to build up the next hour but i've got a podcast of my own called jrvp the jess linick and Rosenthal Vanity Project, where my best friend from college, Greg Rosenthal, was an NFL analyst.

We started doing a podcast at the NFL Network. They kind of snuck me in. And he was like, every week he was about to get fired because of what we talked about on the podcast. And then they kicked us out. And we started doing it on our own as the Jessalynick and Rosenthal Vanity Project with All Things Comedy.

And it's been great. We're about, I think I'm taping episode 118 tonight. Damn, all right. But yeah, we enjoy it. I remember when you did, when did it switch for you where you were like, okay, I need the podcast? What was the switch for you when you're like,

all right, I got to do this? It wasn't a need. It was a, let me do something with my friend. And Greg has a podcast called Around the NFL that does really well. So it was like, okay, we can work together in a way that it's like not i'm carrying him like he brings something yeah i know i definitely know who he is i'm an nfl fan so and then when uh i eventually i got to deal with comedy central for like a bunch of different shit like a bunch of

like a show and other things and the podcast was one of it and they overpaid by like an insane amount so i was like all right let's, let's go. Let's do this. And it was like to get the TV show. That's why they're a production company. And then when the Comedy Central imploded and everything went to hell, then it was the pandemic. And I'm like, well, let's keep this. Let's find another studio to go through and keep it going. And I truly enjoyed it. It's a lot like the Justin Luke offensive was where we highlight.

We talk about our week and our friendship. And then we talk about like stories from college. And then we talk about just like the craziest news stories of the week like tonight we're opening with this uh i don't know if you heard about this woman who was on a zoom call like with her uh like a business and she got shot and then she goes down and then it's just her toddler standing behind her holding the gun no like everyone can see it on the zoom that i'm just like we're talking about this this is like this is the main story because if you're on a zoom call and if i'm talking do you want a zoom call and you drop and i see a toddler behind you with a gun i'm looking behind me i'm like maybe they've risen up they're all here maybe they're coming for all of us

but you don't know but i love that like i just find the absurd angle in a dark story and run with it. Yeah, I mean, that's what you do. All right. So I want to talk to you about your upbringing and stuff. But real quick, where did you go to college? Tulane University. Okay, down in New Orleans. Yeah.

All right. Yeah, that was a hell of a time. So you went from Pittsburgh to New Orleans. That's probably a culture shock. A huge culture shock. Or had you been down there already to know? I had never been. I rarely left Pittsburgh as a kid because I was the oldest of five

kids, so it was hard to travel. We didn't go on spring break vacations and stuff. Ocean City, Maryland, for two weeks every summer. Alright, so were we two? Hold on. No, you were two weeks. We only got one. But we would go during hurricane season because it was cheaper. So half the time.

And I was like, we have the worst luck. You're getting a two for one. Our family has the worst luck with vacations. Then I realized, no, the end of the summer is when this happens. That's why we got a deal on the place. That's awesome. Pack up the car. Hurricane Sandy's coming.

Oh, my God. Then you guys go on vacation. Yeah. I never saw New Orleans till i went down for my first day of school oh my god i just knew it was gonna be from what i had seen in pop culture and stuff i just knew new orleans college in new orleans was gonna be the best four years of my life and i was right yeah yeah you loved it loved it i mean graduate i mean the fact that i graduated in four years was a goddamn miracle like during my graduation ceremony like i'm having my parents

meet my friends and they're like, everyone's just like, I can't believe you graduated. Like I just can't fucking believe it. What's your degree? I was a lit major. Okay.

Yeah. And let's start, let's go back. So you're one of five, born in Pittsburgh. What did your parents do? My dad was an attorney. You're the youngest,

you said? I'm the oldest. Okay. My dad's an attorney and my mom was the housewife because she was just raising all these kids. They had five kids in seven years. God damn. Yeah. Are any of them twins?

No. Holy shit. No. Like a year and a half in between each one of us. It's like me, three girls, and my brother's the youngest. Like, I don't know if you know this. There are billions and billions of people, so you would think it's easy to have a kid but when you really want to it's not always so easy so to have five and seven years i mean god damn your dad's fertile or your mom or both i mean i assume i assume it was a it

was a team effort uh but yeah my dad's catholic one in a big family my mom came from a big family and they just wanted to keep cranking them out. And I can't believe like I was here. People who have kids, they're like one is great. Two is manageable. Once you go to three, it's like your life is a living hell because you don't have enough people to handle everybody. That having five is just unimaginable. Even what were you in the 80s? Are you an 80s baby?

I was born at the end of 78. Think about that. Yeah. 70 fucking eight. And then next, from 78 to 85, there's seven or five of you coming in. Holy shit. I mean, I think about it now. I would remember my dad.

I'm 42 now. When my dad was 42, I was in seventh grade. Imagine having a seventh grader right now. Listen, when my dad was 42 like seventh grade. Imagine having a seventh grader like right now. Listen, when my dad was 42, he died. I've outlived him. I mean, my dad would have traded places with him. I think about it all the time right now, though. He traded places.

Oh, that lucky son of a bitch. That lucky son of a bitch. I think about it all the time. I'm 48. I'm like, all right. Huh. I outlived my dad, but I have a six-year-old. You know what I mean? My dad, these guys were in their, what, probably 20s when they started having kids for your dad or maybe early 30s?

Yeah. I think, yeah, like late 20s for my dad, early 20s for my mom. Yeah, pretty quickly. I mean, that's young. You look back at it now. You're like, man, we're anchoring down. pretty quickly i mean that's young you know you look back at it now you're like man we're anchoring down but it's a good show you either do it early and like crank them out and so we can be like you know we can have our freedom later on or you do it late and that's just the rest i tell my

daughter's mother all the time like why didn't you just tell me you wanted a kid and wanted to redecorate your place i probably would have said yeah you didn't need to move me in kick me you don't need to do all that i'd have paid for some paint some pillows you know what i'm saying i'm not an asshole but also if i'd known it was gonna go down like. I would have paid for some paint and some pillows. You know what I'm saying? I'm not an asshole. But also, if I'd known it was going to go down like this, I would have done that shit in my 20s. You know what I mean? I would have young knees right now chasing a toddler and shit. But so you're the oldest of five.

And what was it? Are your parents still together? Are they still alive? Still alive, still together. Wow. Yeah. All right. And what was it like being the oldest? Were you made to be responsible or were they just hardest on you or how was it i i they were

harder on me than everybody else because my sisters were like beautiful girls but just like kind of a little crazy is the wrong word but they were rambunctious and so my parents gave them a lot of grace but would always chase them around and they expected me to kind of wrangle a little more and i was very protective of my sisters. If they ever got into a fight, like I was there. I was dealing with like trying to keep older guys from sleeping with them in high school and younger girls from trying to beat them up.

But I wasn't a great like example. I wasn't like setting the example. I wasn't like a great babysitter that I think my parents were just kind of like, why are you like this? And I definitely got the harsher punishments. Like I was just grounded a lot as a kid where once I left, like people had free reign because I think I was just a difficult kid to raise. So what – like what's the age of your sisters under you then?

Like how close? Like – A couple years? About a year – this is about a year and a half in between each of us. My youngest brother is seven years younger than me. So when you're a senior they're junior and sophomore then I had yeah

I had two sisters one sister was a freshman one was a junior I believe when I was a senior or a sophomore so yeah I was only in high school with two of them and were you active in sports

I played lacrosse in high school I liked lacrosse a lot swam for a couple years before that I was terrible at baseball, terrible at football. I loved backyard football, but once I got put on the pads and they're like, you're a lineman, I was like, I hate this

so much. I want nothing to do with this. You should have never been a lineman. No, but I was like six feet tall at that age that they just threw me in the line and I hated it. They're like, who do you block on this play? And I'm like, the same guy on every play? The guy right in front of me? And they're like, no, man. You're not getting in the line and I hated it. Like, who do you block on this play? And I'm like, the same guy on every play? Like the guy right in front of me?

And they're like, no, man, you're not getting in the game. You're supposed to slide to your left, bro. Yeah, I had no idea how it works. So what age do you start? Like, did you act out? When you say you weren't a good student, was it just, because a lot of people tell me that, but, but we're defined by letters on our grades just because you didn't test well or whatever, you know, was school easy for you and it wasn't enough to entertain you or was it actually difficult for you? It was just, I was bored and I didn't understand why I had to deal with science and math and

stuff. And I just, I, I ran my mouth. You know, like I started in Montessori school. My mom, like one day was, I'm like hanging out with my mom. My mom's my best friend. And I'm a little kid. And she's like, hey, do you want to go to a place where they have like scissors and paper and colored pencils

and you can like, you can play? And I was like, yeah, let's do that. And then she just drops me off at Montessori school. And for the next four years of my life, I'm doing this. I was like, fuck, I would have said no if I thought I would have waited until kindergarten. But by the time I got into first grade, I could read better than most of the kids in the class. But they said in Montessori school, I was such a problem. Like I was just distracting all the other kids.

The only thing that would calm me down was to read to me. And they had like the main, the principal had her father come in. Like an old retired guy would come in and just read to me for like two hours a day. No principal had her father come in like an old retired guy would come in and just read to me for like two hours a day no matter what it was just yeah just me i would just sit there and i would like let the class have peace and listen to whatever i just loved reading and books and then once i learned how to read that was kind of my my outlet so i was like this i was the class clown in honors classes, which drove people nuts. Got it. I remember one year I failed math. I failed the second semester of honors calculus, and I've got to go to summer school.

And I assumed it's like – I'd never been before. I assume it's like somebody is teaching you math. And they're like, no. Here's the textbook. Go through. Do the homework just so you learn the stuff. And when you say you're ready for the test, we'll give you that test. And then you go on to the next chapter.

And since it's the second semester, I've got to start at the beginning. I can't just learn from the second half. So I'm going through and I'm like, the quicker I do this, the quicker I'm out of here. And I ended up going, getting like an acing this shit. Like once you actually do the work, like aced it in two weeks, an entire year's worth of math. Holy shit. And they just gave me a passing grade instead of, and i didn't get it changed my first grades first semester but i was like oh i could be good if i just applied myself and that's what drove everyone crazy it drove my parents nuts they're like you

can do all of this you're just choosing not to but i used my time to read i really liked creative writing i got good grades in that but i was just just – I was a problem and I realized early on that if I made the teacher laugh, you couldn't get in trouble. If I like just popped off in class and the teacher is like mad at me, it's like you're going out in the hall. But if the teacher laughs, it's like, fuck, Anthony. Like, OK. Like we'll give that to you. But like please, just let me do my job. That I was – I don't think teachers loved me.

Some did. But a lot were like, oh, this guy is ruining my life. So you were a problem but just for school. Were you getting arrested? No. Nothing, none of that. No, never. Maybe like they'd catch me with cigarettes or something or like a can of beer, but nothing bad.

So did you ever get caught with that in school, cigarettes or a can of beer? Because I had a kid one time, George Wilk. I'll never forget this. This motherfucker brought a six pack of Moosehead beer. That's the only time I've ever had Moosehead and put it. So we had these lockers and all of us would do the thing where, you know, it was three numbers, but we would do the first two. So then between classes, you only had, you know, like a minute and a half. You'd run by run by you turn it to that one number pop it open throw your shit in and he at two o'clock he's got a six pack there's a six pack of moose heads sitting in my locker because all you had to do was open up the thing and then flick the top little

lever open i was like what the fuck are you doing and i didn't want to get it out like i was scared you know i ended up getting it out my backpack and hustling that shit out but man it scared the fuck out of me oh i never would like they like, there was that group of kids who like smoked in the bathroom or like smoked outside, but they weren't my friends. I didn't, I barely smoked weed until I was well into college. Cause it just like there were, it was either like the jocks or the deadheads. Yes. And I was, didn't really fit in with either, but I was definitely much more of a jock than

a deadhead. Yeah, for sure. Like our, my senior year, they they we voted on what our class song was going to be and the winner by a large majority was jamming by bob marley and i would be furious every morning they would play it before the announcements in school and i was like these fucking hippie motherfuckers like jacked my whole senior year let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor upstart if you're carrying a credit balance month after month, it can feel like you're in a never-ending cycle of debt, and Upstart can help you make that final payment so you can get ahead.

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and type in honeydew. That's stamps dot com. Promo code honeydew stamps.com never go to the post office again now let's get back to the do so you um you told me you got into a little bit of trouble in school yes okay so i i would get into trouble and the thing was like when i made jokes when i was the class clown i was kind of like i am now where i wasn't just like making fun of like you i can see your underwear i was like doing dead baby shit back then I believe that like freaked people out that they were like this is a problem like let me stop you and interrupt you just to ask you this do you have any memory of something you said to a teacher where you got them to laugh and they let you slide do you do you remember the only one I remember like specifically because it was like the first

time it happened where it was, like, an aha moment. I'm in second grade. And this one, we're, like, doing show and tell. And this one girl stands up and says, my family and I are moving. We're leaving, like, Pittsburgh. And we're going to. And I forget what the city was. But it was some, like, total shithole.

Like, Billy Joel, like, wrote a song about it. And then was like, it's too mean. That's too mean. Like, I'm not going to. I'll do Allentown instead. And she keeps going on. And the kids then was like, it's too mean. That's too mean. I'm not going to do Allentown instead. And she keeps going on and the kids are all like, ooh, wow. She's going to Europe. And I just go like, send us a postcard. And the teacher starts laughing and calls my parents to be like, I'm not mad.

This was so funny that he said this. And then I realized, oh, that's the best great yeah that's great but a lot a lot of sarcasm and a lot of dark dark sarcasm you know but always pushing the boundaries within school and that sort of place yeah like doing the things that would like make my friends laugh that you shouldn't be saying that but i'm saying it anyway like i would just do it in class thinking that it was like smart enough to be okay and i didn't realize how much i was freaking people out like and i have to like preface by saying like this was before columbine my high school my school experience is very different if i go to school after columbine i'll bet you all of ours was yes because then it was like if you're the weird one like people are

extra concerned and they weren't like quite like that and i wasn't dressed in all black either like i wasn't one of those but i was definitely like a lot of my jokes were violent you know if i was doing a report for school it was on something violent that happened yeah you would write about that yeah and i would get into detail like she was tied to a post and raped every day for like four years and then she was pregnant they lit her on fire like isn't it crazy the teacher's like i'm like it was in the news. Like, I didn't make it up. This isn't creative writing, but it was like, like, this is, this is uncomfortable.

I'm like, that's Bosnia, man. They're fucked up. That's Bosnia. That's how you end a report. Thank you, Anthony. That's Bosnia. All right. So what did you do what happened okay so the story like the the story that i mean really is a formidable thing in my life that i've even like thought about talking about it on stage but i'm like it's almost too real that not that i wouldn't want to make it funny but that like i

don't think people would even believe me so like go to go back a little bit before it's like let's say i am 11 12 years old old and I'm visiting Mississippi. I'm visiting my grandparents in Mississippi with my entire family. And one day we go to like a flea market. My parents want to go antiquing and they just hand each kid 20 bucks and they're like, go do your thing. And there's nothing for a 12-year-old boy there. I remember there was like one stand that had like Nazi memorabilia. Like in the thing.

And I was like, this is like, should I buy some of this? Just to like, as like a crazy thing. Not that I was having Nazi tendencies, but like that's a fucked up thing to have. But it was like this giant black guy behind the glass that I was like, this is a trick. This is like, you're coming in. I'm going to be like, hey, how much is that? And he's going to smash me in the face. So I'm like, okay, how much is that? And he's just going to smash me in the face. Punch you in the face.

So I'm like, okay, that's off limits. And I'm walking around and there's a guy in the back who has knives. These knives lined up under a glass case. And I don't mean like pocket knives, like utility knives. This is like a fucking Rambo knife. I remember, the survival knife. Huge survival. Is it the screw off cap with the compass on the top and all the matches and shit?

Not that, but it had a grip and then a thing that you could hit that would take the knife into the middle so you could punch knife people with it. It was insane. It was huge. Wait, the blade would- The blade would swivel into the front like it was on a grip. God damn. And it was just huge.

It was like- Nothing you would ever take with you unless you were going hunting. Okay. But it's 20 bucks with the case and the sharpener, and I'm like, great. Sharpener, he's throwing it. I buy it. No one ever asked me what I bought at the thing. I just put it in my backpack.

Don't tell anyone. And I bring it home, and I just like show my friends when they come over because it was like – How did you hide it? How did you – I had a little hiding place in my – I lived in the basement at this point. But I mean getting it back, how did you hide it how'd you i had a little hiding place in my and i lived in the basement but i mean getting it back well how'd you hide because we drove so i just stuck it in my luggage and we wouldn't have to worry about an airplane or anything and it just stayed hidden i never even took it out when i went out with friends like remember reading the outsiders yeah in school like after that every kid wanted a knife everybody wanted a switchblade or some

kind of knife they would carry around no one ever would fight with it you would throw it in the bushes if somebody came to fight you but this was too big for that that i just like kept it just like locked away and then got to like eighth grade i i truly like i just want twenty dollars i want to buy this girl i'm seeing at the time a cd and i want to say i want to say the cd was color me Bad I love it I saw them live in concert she was a big Color Me Bad fan it was either Color Me Bad or Paula Abdul listen bro that was the concert

I took my cousin to the camp center it was Paula Abdul Color Me Bad and somehow I don't remember who the fuck the one was I can't even believe it I was like I need to buy this CD I would walk to the mall and I I'm like, I just don't have $20. So I ask my friends, who all have seen the stuff.

I'm like, does anybody want to buy a knife? And my friend said more money than me. And one guy's like, yeah, I'd love to. And I'm like, okay, I'll bring it to school tomorrow. During lunch, we'll go in the bathroom. I'll show it to you, $20. During lunch, I bring it in. We go into the bathroom, and he sees it. And as I'm putting it away, a seventh in we go into the bathroom and he sees it as i'm putting it away a

seventh grader walks in the bathroom and just sees it for like a split second where i'm like did he see anything i don't know but he turned around and walked right out you're not in a stall you're just out we're just out i mean i don't know why i hear you it was literally just like a second like here look at this it wasn't like he was like testing it out on shit and i get the 20 bucks i go back to lunch and the principal comes up to me he's like anthony let's talk and he's got kind of a smile on his face that quick that quick like the kid went right to the principal and was like hey anthony's got a knife and he's like you know we're not allowed to bring knives to school and i'm like i know like knowing like

you can search me there's no knife and he's like someone saw you with the knife and i'm like okay i'm not gonna lie to you. I just brought it here. I was just selling it. I sold it to a friend. And he's like smiling because it's not like I attacked someone with a knife or I was going to get in a fight later and I had this knife. And he's like, who did you sell it to?

I'm like, I can't tell you that. But what I will do is I'll go back to the guy, get it from him, give him his money back, and give the knife to you. And he's like, okay, just give it to me. It doesn't have to go any further than this. if you if you if you want to back your parents have to come and get it which is i'm like yeah yeah yeah keep the knife enjoy it yeah i'm never doing this so i go on and get it my friend bore hunting with it my friend understands he's happy i didn't sell him out give it to the principal he's like thank you an hour later i get called

down to the office and he's like, I'm sorry, but in the past hour, everyone has found out about this. Teachers are asking about the knife. They want to see the knife. Anthony has a knife. What's going on? We have to suspend you. And at the end of the suspension, we have to have a meeting with your parents. And I'm like, guess I'll keep the knife. I'm like, all like all right man like this is gonna be this is gonna be tough but i like i go home my parents pick me up and they're like a knife and they're everyone's assuming like a pocket knife of course you know everyone's assuming you're an eighth grade yes a little one blade out yeah not the swivel fucking gutter here and i'm

like listen i just came to i just came to sell it i wanted to buy a CD. And they're like, okay. Like, we're going to go in and have this meeting. And like, well, I'm sure we'll talk about it and we'll figure this all out. It'll be fine. And a week later, I go in. And they like maybe wear like a suit and tie into this meeting, which is like really weird. I walk into a conference room. And it's every teacher I've had for the past two years.

No way. In the room. Sitting around this table. And they all have illegal pads in front of them. And the knife is in the middle of the table and everyone realizes how big this fucking knife is like it's just huge no my parents hadn't seen they're just like that's the fucking knife this sword like where did you get this and i like tell them like at that flea market mississippi like years ago like this i'm sorry but this is just like what i do this is what i do with my phone and uh and so they're

like we're concerned about anthony and i'm like listen i brought the knife to sell i didn't want to hurt i never i'm not a fighter like i'm not like i'm not a problem like that and they're like yeah but you make a lot of violent jokes and i'll never forget the the my the guidance counselor who's sitting sitting next to me says you know anthony when you make these jokes a lot of violent jokes and i'll never forget the the my the guidance counselor who's sitting sitting next to me says you know anthony when you make these jokes a lot of your people laugh but if you look at their reaction after they stop laughing they're afraid of you and i'm like and the problem is you know like that's cool like that's why i'm not getting picked on fine and then they go around and they're like each teacher would like to say something and they literally have written down anything any way i've misbehaved and it's like teacher

that i haven't seen in like i haven't been in class with them in like a year and a half the fucking gym teacher is like listing out things and i'm like what are you doing he was like that i was like joking around like sagging my pants you know what i mean like as a joke like being like when like when like crisscross was like the thing like just doing that like messing around he's like he broke a um he broke a street hockey stick one day and like as if i was doing like over someone's head it was like no man i just didn't know how to do a slap shot like yeah i was like i wasn't fighting anyone better equipment you fuck and then like he wrote this creative writing story where a guy gets murdered and i'm like i'm not allowed like the first thing i teach you in literature class is author does not equal persona you know there's a reason they didn't like

fucking throw edgar allen poe in prison there's a reason stephen king gets to walk around that i'm like why am i getting yelled at for this the bosnia report they're like he talked about this and detailed this and i'm like the whole point of that was like we talk about the holocaust as like never again but like it's still going on very much like in – Well said. In a lot of different places. Like that was the point of this report. Why am I being shamed for this?

And my parents are humiliated. Like I'm more upset for my parents than for me. But you're not crying. You're defiant? Are you defiant? I'm defiant. I'm defiant. But when I would get into like in trouble, I was smart about it.

I wouldn't be like, well, fuck you. I was just like i was like you're 100 right i accept my punishment i won't do it again and i would just go do whatever i want but in the moment i'm gonna be like yeah i'm sorry okay my lumps and do what i want but as they go around the room it's just more and more humiliating that i'm just in shock at a certain point how many how many people would you say really get the sound off in this thing? At least 10. Oh my God. Like math teacher, science teacher,

lit teacher, um, the gym teacher and like in two different years. So they're going on and as, and they're like kind of riling each other up to like top each other with different things. And each one of these, I'm like shocked by,

and they wouldn't have, do you remember them? I remember like the ones that I've told you, but they were all just very like simple. Like he made fun of this kid in class and said he would kill him. You know what I mean? Like just dumb things like that. But it just, it just got worse as it just kept going.

And people are like, oh yeah, I remember this thing now. Like you reminded me. It was just completely humiliating. Every once in a while I just look up my parents and they're just like taking this beating. And they were good parents. Like there wasn't like, they didn't do anything wrong. They just, and they didn't deserve this like list of everything it looks sounds way worse when you add up two years into a greatest hits package than this and again the night that's

like this show people always tell me like i've never laundry listed my trauma before and as i'm writing and i look back i'm like i live through that yeah you live through that yeah so at the end they're like do you so we think wait can i ask you one question is there anyone in that room a favorite teacher that's there to at least say i know he's a good kid or anyone on that side of the fence that's like look i don't want to ruin this kid's life here no one ever said that but there were teachers that liked me more than others but like i'm my literature teacher who was there that i thought like she's gonna have my back could not take her eyes off the knife. Like, couldn't look me in the eye.

Because it's the first time they're seeing it. Yeah. Well, she's just, like, imagining me in class running around with this thing. And I'm like, that was not what I was here to do. And it doesn't occur to me enough to be like, guys, I was selling it. Like, why am I in trouble for this? If I had done this off-school property, this would be no problem at all. Like, I understand the word got out. But, like, why are you making my parents listen to this shit? But at the end, I'll never

forget this. They're like, we think you might benefit from therapy. And my family was anti therapy. Like I've been seeing a therapist now for eight years and I fucking love it. But at the time it was like, something was wrong with you if you were in therapy. And they're like, what do you – do you think you need therapy? And I look at my parents and they're just like – Really? Yeah. They were just like – if I had said yes, they would have like gone through with it.

But they're just like hoping that I'm like, no, like you guys – I'm misunderstood. I don't have a problem. And I wasn't like a sad kid. I was just aggressively dark and funny. a sad kid i was just aggressively dark and funny um and uh and they're like i'm like no uh i don't i don't think i need therapy and the guy next to me was the guidance counselor who was kind of like the good guy in the room for me you know kind of like protecting me even though he probably organized this fucking thing and he goes well anthony he goes uh i think you might benefit from some discipline and i was like i'm about to get hit like what's going on he goes uh i think you might benefit from some discipline and i was like i might have

to get hit like what's going on he goes what do you think about martial arts and i just start laughing because i'm like you motherfuckers want to train me now like you gotta use that you can't use the knife but let's make your hands deadly weapons and he's like i practice jujitsu like i'm really into it i like i'm learning japanese i want to go over there like i take jujitsu he's like i can sign you up for a class and then you and i can like go out and practice like during school sometimes we can like work on it and thinking that would be like a bonding thing and i'm like fuck yeah like this was like right after steven seagal became a thing yeah no one knew no one knew what jujitsu was And all of a sudden, you're just like, this is the baddest motherfucker out there.

Like, yeah, I'll be like him. And so they would take me to jiu-jitsu classes. And it was so boring. I mean, it wasn't like – it was the least fun shit ever. But every once in a while, like once a week, the guidance counselor would come and be like, Anthony, come with me. And I would change into my gym clothes. And we would like wrestle in the – he would like show each other different moves with like arm bars and shit on the mat and i'd do that for an hour and then come back into class but it like

made things a little bit easier but i'll never forget that like just that humiliation there and teachers never looked at me the same luckily i was only in that junior high for a few more months and then went on to high school did that follow you to high school it followed me that some people like in my grade like thought i was crazy i thought i was the crazy one i don't mess with him he's he's a psycho and i kind of i almost played into a little bit like i didn't mind being the crazy one yeah um the jujitsu though did you find that that helped you in any way like were you getting anger out at all or no no it's more just like embarrassment from this because it's so you're not learning cool shit right you're not kicking and punching exactly and i'm like wrestling some like kid who's like younger than me so it's like am i really doing anything and i remember uh with

that like i would talk to my friends about jujitsu and they'd be like god anthony's so cocky like anthony thinks like he could fight anybody because he takes it because he's a fucking yellow belt and did you get a yellow belt in it i don't think i even got the yellow belt it was like i missed the day of testing i was like i'm out of town and they're like well you got to wait another three months and i'm like well i'm not doing this same shit but we're we're walking out of an eaton park one night an eaton park in pittsburgh is like the 24 hour you know diner uh where like people go for breakfast and shit and they're open late and my friends and i are eating one night and we come out and this van pulls out right in front of us and these older kids jump out they're not like big but they're older from a different town somewhere and they're like who wants to fight

and my friends kind of like back up but i'm like i know fucking jujitsu man like we gotta fight we gotta fight and the guy goes you think you're tough and i go i didn't say that man but you know do what you gotta do and he goes like this like just like the fake punch me and after six months of jiu-jitsu training my response is like i'll never forget putting my arm like the chicken wing that would that would not have blocked anything it would have just taken it right in the face and the sound i made i'll never forget the sound i made and the guy doesn't swing at all they all start laughing maybe a little more high-pitched and they they did the guys just laugh get back in the van and drive away and i turn around and

look at my friends and they're not even making fun of me they're just like and i'm like i can't believe after six months of training that that's my reaction that i never did martial arts ever again never again yeah i've done boxing and stuff since it's a workout but like never yeah i box as a workout but that's not the same as some man on the street who doesn't know you give a fuck about you and just wants to take your life oh boxing when you learn boxing like the more you learn the more you like know you just don't know anything yeah i'm like you would think working out would make you better at this i just know that anyone could kick my ass because I know how things work. Roll up into a ball and curl up.

But so after this thing goes on, like my family and I never talk about it again. So I want to talk about that. So they don't make you do therapy. They're really against the therapy. Yeah. They just thought it meant like they failed as parents. So how do they feel about you doing it now? I did it honestly to try to get rid of the stigma in my family.

Like just to be like, guys, listen, I do this. It's great. And now some of my siblings see a therapist. Some don't. My parents still want nothing to do with it. And I'm like, it would really benefit you. Like it's just talking to someone. They're not prescribing me pills.

Yeah. And you also don't have to do it forever. Go do it for six months and see how you feel about it. And then then maybe you like it but also that's the thing about therapy is it is like dating i've i had a therapist one time my first section this motherfucker grabbed a sandwich and started eating i was like are you eating right now during this he's like yeah i haven't had dinner i go me either me fucking either but i'm not eating here right now this is my time like but why don't you budget a half hour for yourself before i get here and eat your fucking sandwich that would be yeah that

would be a deal breaker that was the deal breaker i've been with my same one the whole time that i'm like i wonder if like i think she's great i know friends who see her i like i've been recommended by a friend and once i go she's the best that i'm like i assume you're the best but i don't know and you don't like cheat on your therapist it would be like i'm gonna take a break or whatever but i'm like i'm just gonna stick with you until you retire and then i'll never see a therapist right yeah if it works it works if it doesn't you gotta find one yeah but i had to like tell even tell my parents like it's not me complaining about my childhood you know it's not like my family messed me up they did not mess me up uh it's like how do i deal with stuff in the now and it's like almost looking at your family and seeing why you do the things you do but not in negative

light you know they'll be like you know it's hard for you to relate to your dad because your dad's like an attorney in pittsburgh you're a comedian in los angeles but if you look at your dad's life his father was a railroad worker who went to world War II, and your dad did the opposite and went to Notre Dame on a ROTC scholarship and became a lawyer, and now he didn't follow his dad into the railway. You're very much like your father because of this. And I'm like, I realize things like that.

So they're like, oh, okay. I'm not just being like, one time my mom didn't get me the birthday present. It's not about that at all. So I don't think they'll ever do it. But my sister, have a sister who's gone a brother who's gone and they love it they absolutely love it yeah and i don't think they would have ever done it if i hadn't uh just kind of i i i tell everyone they should see it there i agree i preach it on this show that whole machismo bullshit like it blows me away when i go to therapists and i've been to plenty of them

because some of them there are different types too dr Dr. Drew had sent me to this EMDR therapist, which I had never done that type of therapy. The therapy I had done over years is they call talk therapy. I had never done this thing with the buzzing and the work in the sides of my brain and shit. And I was like, whoa, you know, just different things. But still to hear that we as men are a small minority of the people they see, you know, blows me away in 2021 that that's still the case. And there's nothing wrong with it. And like you said, it's not about my dad beat me and didn't love me and didn't get enough. I mean, for some people it is for sure. I was part of that. But now it's let's not live there anymore. We've understood what that is.

But to hear that, I think that's really interesting because my grandfather – I was going to say Baltimore, Pittsburgh, very similar types of towns, blue collar, steel back then. My grandfather worked at Bethlehem Steel, went to World War II. And my father was like, nah. He got drafted, but after that went and worked for Pan Am, you know, didn't want to go just, you know, be handling steel and shit. So and then I see that and I'm like, yeah, I don't want to be. But I'd never looked at it like that makes us similar. I've always looked at it like, well, I'm different than my dad because he did this and I do this. But, yeah, no, you're not.

You're the same because it propelled you to do something different yeah you're not like you're not just gonna follow and like if i had gone and been a lawyer with my dad and like formed our own firm that wouldn't have been what my dad would have done you know no and like my dad was very okay with me not going to law school was like that i thought he would have may have forced it like such a fucking my dad was a big notre dame guy and then i was like are you cool if i don't even apply and And he was like, oh, yeah, totally. I don't want my daughter to do comedy. If you had kids, would you want them to be comedians?

Dude, honestly, I'll do one better. If I was graduating college right now, I would not get into stand-up comedy. I think it's changed so much. Kids now, I'd be like, I mean, go ahead and fucking TikTok it up if you want. But that seems terrible. All those TikTok kids seem like they're going off a cliff. Like, I can't. Says the guy who brought the crocodile bean fucking sword to goddamn school.

So like, so this happens and I try to get over it. But I have this anger from that moment. Like, all the anger I kept from school. I'm like, I'm just telling me what to do. Because I feel like school a lot is like, we're not trying to teach you. We're trying to like wrangle you until you're 18. And then we don't give a fuck. We're proud if you make it.

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Now, let's get back to the dude. So I go to college. I enjoy college. I come out to LA. I eventually get into stand-up after about a year. And I still, a lot of my stand-up comes from that anger that I'm like, I got to prove these people wrong. Because they're like, you're wasting your life by making jokes in class.

I was like, if I became a lawyer, I would have proven you right. If I did anything else, I would have proven you right. That I'm going to become a comic. And I have no plan B in that, like, I refuse to fail at this. I'll find some way to succeed in this business. You can do it through podcasting. You can do it through writing, producing. There's so many different things you can do.

That's right. But I was very much like, I'm going to be dark because it comes naturally to me and i'm gonna be smart because i'm smart and i'm gonna like show you that i can pull this off and a couple years like 10 years into stand-up i get my first tv show the just like offensive great i'm working for comedy central thank you and at the end of the first season and the ratings are great the first season. We're after Tosh. It's doing well. I get in trouble for this thing, this shark party thing that was kind of like a – I did this bit where I wanted to – I remember the Boston Marathon trouble. Yes.

So in the middle of the first season, I wanted to do a thing where we celebrate a shark attack. Oh, okay. And the point being that like we kill hundreds of millions of sharks a year. We're like driving them to extinction. Eight people die a year from shark attacks but everyone's afraid so when the next time there's a shark attack we're going to celebrate and give you all this information and jokes but we're doing like a dance i had like like a bunch of dancers out there and like a girl wearing a shark costume giving me a lap dance and like and it was crazy net but at the end of the bit we show the guy's picture

and i had asked i was like are we allowed to show the guy's picture and they're like oh yeah you can like comedy central was like yeah you can and then we did that and it like everything went to hell where we thought it was going to be the thing that would like launch the show and then quickly we had to bear it because new zealand where the guy was from went crazy really because they got it online they released it online and the rest of the episode they don't know who i am you know i was i would say like i would joke joke like if this happened in Florida, Americans would have been like, that's what Anthony does. But because it was New Zealand, they went nuts. So Viacom is hearing from people like, why are you doing this?

My family is getting threats. Because if you look up Anthony Jusselnick in the phone book, you get my dad. So they're calling him at like four in the morning with a New Zealand accent they can't understand. It's afternoon over there.'t understand and that happened and then at the end of the season i did the boston marathon bombing tweet where this is like a couple days before the show it's not even on the show i'm just like tweeting thinking like this will promote the show oh the show hadn't launched yet before the tweet it was before the last episode we did it every week we taped it on tuesday it would air on thursday and we're maybe the other way around and uh and we're just getting ready for the last one i tweet this thing and then all hell breaks loose it was like if i had waited 20 minutes i

would have gotten a call from my manager saying like the head of comedy central had asked you don't tweet anything about this today you know wait and i but i didn't get that message until afterwards well they got to get up early you know what i'm saying yeah and then it was a fight about like you've got to you've got to you've got to get rid of this and there's one person in particular at the network who was like furious who i had never met because at the networks do you have lunches with people you bond so that when they tell you you can't do something you don't lose your mind because the comic and no one no one tells you anything we have a tv show it's like all these rules all of a sudden and they're like blaming it all on this one person so i take

the tweet down i feel bad i feel embarrassed that i've like put my crew in jeopardy that anything that that i'm like i put the show in jeopardy with just a dumb tweet that i didn't care about although i stand by it i stand by the joke i thought i did the joke in in the right way um and after the season's over that like you've got to have a meeting we're picking you up for season two but you've got to have a meeting with this this person and like the other people and i go in and they're like at first it's going to be like they're one they basically want to yell at you for writing this tweet but by then it's been like two weeks and everyone kind of feels dumb they're like the joke wasn't that bad. Like the marathon wasn't that bad.

You know what I mean? It wasn't like it's crazy. It wasn't 9-11. It was just like, it was horrible. But like people got over it pretty quickly that it wasn't this, it wasn't like George Floyd, you know, that would still be sensitive weeks later. And they're like, you know what? It's more of a glad handing meeting.

It's not really going to be, we don't have to talk about this tweet at all. They just wouldn't come in. I think if you meet with this person, they'll see that like you're a good person. Everything will be okay. And I get into the meeting and I'm a little nervous. I'm a little like upset. I don't have to be there. But it's like five people in the meeting.

Like the five heads of Comedy Central and like one of my executives. That's half the amount in this fucking knife meeting. So you're doing good, bro. You're doing good as you grow. And the guy starts the meeting and he's like, so. Like first in and like the one person hugs me and i'm like why did you touch me i'm like is this everything are we just gonna laugh about stuff and they're like so like dude right now i'm hoping you fucking say they put that knife from fucking i mean i expected it because they're like listen shark, shark party was a huge mistake.

You know, you shouldn't be doing things like that. And I'm like, motherfucker, you everyone was so excited about shark. But you're like, this is going to put the Jaisalnik offensive on the map. Like, this is the different thing we're doing. This is all the way to the top. They're doing it as if it was like and I start to get a flashback to being in that room with the knife where they're going around and listing different parts of the show and the one woman's like you know one time you mentioned like a guy who killed a bunch of kids and then went like this and like you should and i'm like you know like you're giving me shit about like who i am the guy that you hired because he did so well on the roasts and like doing a show we're

talking about these awful things but you're like still attacking me then i start fucking sweating like i'm just like i'm just getting like more and more grave that I'm like, am I about to quit the show? And no one quits a show after the first season. It's like, I can't walk away from this money. It's like a dumb career move, but I'm eating bags of shit in this. And they're like, they're smiling as they're saying this to me. And all I'm thinking of is I am in their principal's office where like, I can't talk. Like I can't say anything to them. I'm just like, okay. All right. And they're like, is everything's good. I'm like, everything's great. Like, let's just get into that second season and get over this. That I was like, truly, truly devastated and truly felt like principal's office. Why did you have me? Why did you have

this meeting? Like to see how magic could make me. And I even act at the end, I go into an explanation of like why I do what I do, like why I make these horrible jokes and how it actually is life affirming. And I'm trying to make fun of like the worst things in the world. And the person in charge is like smiling and nodding. And then a few weeks after this, we have a meeting about season two, what's going to go on. And they're like, what changes are you going to make? And I'm like, well, you know, the way I explained to so-and-so, you know, we're not making any changes. I thought I explained why I do this and now I can do this. And they go, no. I go, but she was smiling and nodding. And they go, she was just smiling and

nodding. You didn't change her mind at all. And now I'm like, literally like there's a five minute pause where I stare at the table and think about blowing it all up. Think about being like, I'm out of here. This is like why I'm going back on the road. This is humiliating. My manager afterwards was like, do you still want to do the show? And I'm like, I can't walk away from this. Too many employees is too many people. I can't, I can't do it. But it was like, it took maybe like five or six years to even be able to talk to anyone at Comedy Central again. And now we're friends. Now we're cool. Everything's okay. But it was really like, just feeling like going from being like you're a famous comedian now you've made it you've done it to you're in eighth grade getting shit on by

all your teachers and the people who are supposed to be like looking out for you that it was it took i was in therapy about that for years and like thoughts and prayer is my special the reason the last 20 minutes is about that was because i'm like i've got to get this shit off my chest and change the narrative like people out there think that i got canceled because of shark party the way that the story is told because it's at the end but it's like no i got canceled because the ratings tanked in season two and i was and i was difficult to deal because i was just so mad at everybody they didn't want to give me notes because i would like i was so aggressive in taking notes because i just still felt the trauma of that meeting where when they talk about that show failing, they talk about that meeting that like that meeting was a mistake. And if that hadn't happened, maybe, maybe if I

hadn't made the tweet, you know, maybe that I would have been in a better mood in season two and it would have kept going. But, uh, yeah, that was, that was just a backbreaker. It was brutal. And then I kept that anger. And a couple years ago, the school gets in touch with me and they say, we now have an Alumni Hall of Fame. We've been doing for the past like 10, 15 years. We would like to induct you. Tell them to get the seventh grader to rat your ass out to fucking take that bullshit trophy. But they were like, we want to do this. Will you come to the ceremony if we do it i go oh fuck yeah i'll be there hell yeah and they're like do you want to talk to the students and i was like fuck yeah i want to talk

to the students i'm like i'm like i'm coming in like a fucking ninja to that thing man i've killed everybody this time but i get up there to talk to the kids and i walk in like the principals are my age you know now it's like a different people are there any teachers that are still there from your time no one's that people showed up for the ceremony at night to like see if they get a shout out or whatever there were a couple of them that i was like i remember you and like thank you for this and they just come just to see the students but no one's still there at that school and uh the principal's like you know this is there's like 13 year old because no one gives me like talks to me about what i'm gonna say or anything they're just like you know 13 year olds

in here and i'm like yeah peachy 13 i'll just say fuck once and they're like i'm like i'm kidding like i'm kidding i'm gonna say it a bunch but then i get up there i get up there at this podium and i realize none of these kids are like they look like like Muppets to me. Like, I'm like, I don't relate to you. I thought it would be cool to come back. But they're like, you don't, they don't know who I am. Like, they didn't know I was a comedian. They didn't know, like I had a TV show. They don't know any of this stuff. So I'm just like bombing in front of a bunch of kids, like trying to tell them to like, follow your dreams or whatever. It couldn't have gone worse. And then I'm like, Oh my God, take questions. And they're like this, uh, this foreign exchange student goes, uh, and I assume it was foreign exchange students. He just goes like, I'll take questions and they're like, this foreign exchange student goes,

I assume he was a foreign exchange student, he just goes like, who are you? And everyone laughs. Of course. And I go, you wouldn't be able to pronounce it. And then the class is like,

oh, and I'm like, yeah, let's see, this is what I do, come on. And then I see the principal kind of getting closer to the stage,

like, we got to wrap this up. He's running, he's like trotting up. And they go, who are you voting for, Hillary or Trump? And this is like principal like kind of getting closer to the stage. Like, we got to wrap this up. He's running. He's like trotting up. And they go, who are you voting for, Hillary or Trump? And this is like the very beginning of it. And I go, Hillary. And they start going, Trump.

Trump. The kids? I'm like, kids? Really? Kids. Kids. And then they're like, this is over. This is over.

This is done. This is a Trump chant at your fucking speech. So I leave. i leave and i go and i come back at night for the ceremony where they hand they give me like a speech about everything i've accomplished and i get up and the other people are like there because they're like still good at math and shit or like an engineer like a tennis player who's done something or a musician who's gone on but no one that's currently at your level of their respected field. Yes.

They were like, keep your speech to five minutes. Anthony, do whatever the fuck you want. Did you go last? I went in the middle. And the guy after me, his whole speech was about how hard it was to go after me.

But I'm like, I'm truly the, I appreciate this more than anyone else here. Like, I understand you guys are like, this is nice. But like, some of them were like, we don't give a flying fuck.

Like, what do I care what my high school thinks of what? But I was like, I'm you're giving me this for everything you begged me not to do for the entire time I was at the school. That's right. Like, I got this by saying by ignoring everything you've ever said to me ever. Like, thank you. And I called out a couple of teachers that i liked and was just truly thrilled that like all the anger just went away it was like i just ended up outlasting them and proving them right that it felt uh it felt really good and now like i've got to find other ways to write

stand-up because it used to just be like going back to that yeah yeah it was full circle. That's fucking great, dude. I do want to go a little lighter and hear about this airport story that you told me you had. Okay. We've got just about time for that. And this is just embarrassing. This is not dark. We love this shit. It's embarrassing.

So when I'm on the road, I try to enjoy myself where I can. You know what I mean? I don't drink on the flight to the gig, but on the way back from the gig, I'm, I'm, I'm in first class. I'm, I'm drinking the free vodkas. And,

uh, and I know I just, I get there. There's a car waiting to pick me up. I'm cool, but I get fucked up and I'm always nice. I would, the idea of being like mean to a flight attendant or any of that shit is just like beyond me

that I'm with you on that. Like, what are you doing? But I had gotten this weed pen and it was like this disposable weed pen. It was like this, it's like the most expensive one they had. It's a little vape thing. And you like hit it. And like three seconds later, excuse me, it buzzes and you blow up this tiny bit of like indecipherable vapor. You get a little bit high. And I'm like telling, I'm like, you got to try this. It doesn't set off smoke alarms. You can smoke it in an airplane bathroom. And everyone's like, oh, wow, cool, Anthony.

Like, that's your thing. But I would do it on every flight almost, even if I wasn't drinking. But this flight, I'm pretty lit up. And we're flying from Denver to LA. And about the halfway point. And I've gone to the bathroom several times to hit this thing. And you're a first class, so you're going right up front by the cockpit. Yeah, right by the cockpit.

And again, there's less people use that bathroom. I'd be more afraid to use one where there's like a line because I've hit it before. And I've hit it like a bunch of times and then blown it out and opened the door. And there's somebody walking in there like, what the fuck? But they don't think like they don't put two and two together. And no one's going to call you out in first class. But I'm in there and I hit it like just like once or twice. Not like I'm trying to like blow it up in here.

But like a little bit. And you try to just let it go through your nose a little bit too. Yeah. And I blow like into the toilet as I flush it. And I'm blowing it out. And I'm right about – I'm like washing my hands. And I just hear a brr, brr. And it's not – it's like the light's in the bathroom.

In there. And I know it's me. It's not. Hey, we got turbulence. I know it's me. And I'm just like, fuck. And I'm just humiliation that's all i'm feeling and i'm like if they land this plane if they ground this flight for me that will be this will be the worst day of my life that like i i can't imagine facing people like inconvenience people like this it would be the worst thing ever

so i open the door and i'm like maybe this will be fine you know because like it's just a little bit of vape it's not like i'm smoking a cigarette i open the door and i'm in like seat 3a it's one of those where it's like i've got i'm on like i have my own little aisle thing i just get out and i get in and no one's looking at me everyone's kind of looking around like what's this so is it going on through the whole plane not just in the bathroom not just in the bathroom whole plane whole plane. And it's louder. It's louder. So no one's looking in the bathroom.

Everyone's looking around like, what the hell? And the flight attendants are in the back with the drink cart. And I just see one of them get in the thing and say, like, please do not smoke or vape in the bathroom. And one of them runs up into the bathroom and it, like, turns off the alarm right away. And it's kind of like, I kind of smell something. right away and it's kind of like i kind of smell something and i would have been fine except i think let me handle this and i hit the call button let me let me take care of this i'm like i'm and then again i've had a few drinks i've had a couple hits of this weed and and she comes over and i'm like hey i was in there when that went off like i was just washing i don't know what happened i was just washing my hands why i did that i have no idea i assume like it didn't with them looking for me or like i was trying to hide something like being

ashamed and she's like uh-huh like that fucking thing doesn't go off when you're washing your hands and they walk away and they're just she's like what were you doing in there and i was like no i was washing my hands walks away and i'm just like playing a game on my phone. I'm like, I can't ask for another drink. I'm just like. You're done. Yeah. No one.

And no one's really looking at me too much. And I just grown the beard. So I'm like, thank God. Like maybe I have this cover. And I don't want to see people tweeting. Just let me just set off the alarm. And they keep going for a little bit. And I'm like, okay, they're not going to land this plane.

We're going to go all the way to LA where it's like a four hour. It's like a three hour flight or something. We're halfway there. They're going to keep going. I'm like, okay, I'm relaxing a little bit. And the flight attendant comes back over and she kneels down. She goes, I just have to ask, you know, what were you doing? Like exactly.

I have to ask, were you vaping or smoking in the bathroom? And I'm just too embarrassed to say, to say yes at this point. Like just, I should have been like, listen, I don't want to make your job harder, but like, yes, I was, I hit the vape pen. I'm like, no. And she's like, what were you doing want to make your job harder but like yes i was i hit the vape pen i'm like no and she's like what were you doing like washing my hands okay but in a way that i know she does not believe with the rolling lips so my fuck like i'm just sitting there waiting for this to land and then right before like like we're landing in about 15 minutes she walks up with a piece of paper and she said this is from the captain and it says like you are in violation of federal law

uh for like it like smoking or vaping in a bathroom you might when we land you must um like like you go through this investigation cooperate with an investigation when we land otherwise blah blah blah and i'm like okay is this the punishment you know i mean is it just like showing me this and then we get off and everything's fine or what? So she comes back. And I know that like when I've heard of things going down on airplanes where it's like they're in the news, it's because they're dicks to the flight attendant. You know, they get obligerant. And I'm like – she walks back and I go, thank you very much. I understand.

And then the plane lands and we're taxiing and the pilot's like, we're about to pull into the gate here. Before anyone gets up, we've got a little business we've got to take care of first. And I'm like, no, I'm fucked. So I'm texting my opener in the back oh my god is your stomach i'm getting nervous over here i'm so like i just don't know and i don't know what i'm in for i'm texting the opener i'm like hey i just got busted vaping in the bathroom like i don't know what's about to happen to me but like like we'll see we we pull up. Two cops get on the flight. The pilot comes out. The pilot looks like he's fucking 25 years old.

Looks like a California surfer kid. He's smiling. He walks up to the flight attendant. They're talking. I'm sure they were like, how is he acting? You know what I mean? Like, is this, how bad do you want to be about this? I'm sure they're like, he was nice, whatever.

And then the cops get on. And everyone's kind of looking around like, who is this? What's going on? And they come on and they start yelling 3a no 3a all down the plane i'm like you know exactly where three is you mother yeah you could you could you could grab me with your eyes closed and i'm like yeah it's me and they go get your things and come with us two cops two cops and are they lax cops or are these like LAPD cops? I assume they were LAPD cops who worked at LAX. So maybe it was like something in between.

But they weren't just like – it wasn't like security guards. Are you nervous as fuck? Yes. Because I just don't know. And I'm like – my plan is just to totally come clean. Look, I imagine also you're like me. You got your TSA pre-check is probably in jeopardy and all that shit now clear if you have that yeah is american airlines gonna kick me off like what's going on but i know i'm in first class so that carries some weight

i get my bag and i get off and we walk down to this thing i'm like where are we going am i going into some dark room like are they putting me in a car and we just walk into the fucking gate like where everybody else is gonna walk out they just make a guy move his laptop they pull me aside and they're like what we what happened and i go i vaped in the bathroom like and i like i didn't throw away the pen i didn't try to hide it i was like i vaped in the bathroom but i'm talking about weed and the guy's like like okay let me see your id he's looking at it as he's doing this people are coming off the plane looking at me so i I'm trying to be like, yeah, yeah, I know. Total misunderstanding.

Like I'm trying to – if you were like – If you were a snap of a picture, they would look fine. Oh, he's like – they're laughing about this now. It must have been – maybe he – like the cop knew him and was helping him out. And he's like, okay, well, you know, like, you know, it's a three-hour flight. A nicotine addiction is a serious thing. But you should be able to – I'm like, okay, well, you know, like, you know, uh, it's a, it's a, you know, it's a three hour flight. You should be a nicotine addiction is a serious thing,

but you should be able to, I'm like, Oh no, I was coming from Denver. And he's like nicotine addiction. He's like trying to help me. He's like, motherfucker,

stop telling me it's weird. And, uh, and like, just takes my ID. He's like, we're not going to punish you. And they get no warrants or anything.

Hands me a day back. He's like, we're not going to take you in. They actually ran your name to see if you had any warrants out and they did all that oh they were waiting on you like wait i think that's just what they did that we're gonna give you a warning but in case you're a fucking wanted man we're gonna get you but i was clean he's like i don't know if american airlines is gonna get in touch and do anything but as far as we're concerned like you're you're free to go and this point my opener has gotten off and she's like she got in the pilot's face and was like

where is he what and the pilot laughed and was like, he's fine. He's, he's out there. And I thought about waiting for a little bit to like, when the flight attendant came off to go up and apologize to be like, I know your job is hard. I'm sorry.

I made it harder. But I'm like, if she sees me with my like vodka pot eyes coming at her, she's going to think I'm coming to kill her. Then I'm like, let's leave this alone. But then I've got to walk down with my opener and wait for my checked luggage.

And everyone is staring at me. Their bags are just going around the carousel while they're pointing at me. And I'm like, I think I bought a hat in the gift shop to wear. You bought a hat! Because I just didn't want, like, I didn't want, like, Anthony Jeselnik, you know, does this. That for, like, a week afterwards afterwards i would be walking around the street still embarrassed that like people knew that anyone like i didn't tell the story for a while and then i told my manager and she was like her eyes got like huge and then like a six months later she's making fun

of me about it in front of other people that it was like it became totally okay but i've people are like do you still vape in the bathroom i'm like i don't fucking vape man like i've never like that scared the shit out of me that like I don't bring anything anywhere anytime. I don't even drink on planes anymore. Really? I drink water because it's like that would like that was the dehydration plus drinking was the thing that really like got to me that once I started drinking water, it was fine. But after that, like I mean, total humiliation Just like, I can't believe I did this. And thank God, again, they did not divert the plane or land it.

Because that would have been, I don't know if I would have flown again. But yeah, I mean, I learned my goddamn lesson. But it was humiliating. Yeah, I'll bet. I would have been worried that they ban you lifetime flying. Then you're John Madden out there on a tour bus going to all your fucking gigs only. Like, oh, my God. And that's what happened with Segura.

Yeah. Yeah, totally what happened with Segura. Yeah. Yeah, totally what happened to Segura. That's why he does it. Yeah. I didn't know what they were doing with my pre or any of that, but they didn't care. I remember I got back

and I texted Ron Funches. And I'm like, you're the only person I know who needs this information. But, because I'm like, you seem like the kind of guy who would also vape in the airport bathroom.

I don't even fuck with that. Yeah. And I was like, did this happen? They fucking pulled me off the plane. Didn't cuff me or anything, but it was embarrassing. He goes, good to know. And he goes, lucky you got white privilege.

And I go, dude, it was first class privilege. White had nothing to do with it. It was strictly like, you're three rows back. We're going to give you some grace. But yeah, if you're in a situation like that, just as nice as possible and do not draw attention to yourself and say let me explain what happened they're like we didn't want to know who it was we didn't want they didn't want to deal with this that's why she was like i have to ask you yeah yeah i'm so so stupid but yeah that was true that was that's the last time I've been like truly humiliated.

Like what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. In your forties? This is less than two years ago? Maybe 39 at the time. It was my last tour. But, but yeah, just that, like you did this to yourself. And again, like if I would have given anything to turn back time and not have that happen,

you know, like it was was just what a kick in the teeth god damn i would be just oh the heat on the inside of my body would have melted me in that fucking seat they wouldn't have to worry about anything i could you've never seen anyone like so into their game of bejeweled than i was like i was just sitting there like playing it like he couldn't have done anything wrong look Look how into his fucking game he is. He wouldn't be just playing a game if – because I was like too fucked up to read a book. Oh, God. All right.

Before we wrap this up, I told you when we got in here advice you would give to your 16-year-old self. I'm curious going back now, especially after hearing your speech for your high school and things what advice you would give to your 16 it was an interesting question for me because i used to always like when i was even struggling as a stand-up like you know in my 20s when you're just not making any money you're just doing it every birthday i would think i was i'm always happier to get older but every birthday i would go back and i would think what would if i went back in time right now to my 18 year old self would they think I was cool? And the answer was always yes.

Like, you're following your dreams. You're stand-up. You've gotten, like, to do a show with Sarah Silverman. Whatever it was, I was like, you would think you were cool. And then I got to be, like, 36. And I remember thinking back, like, now I'm double that age. And I go, what do I give a fuck what 18-year-old me thinks about anything or any 18-year-old thinks about anything? Like, that's stupid.

18-year-old me thinks about anything or any 18-year-old thinks about anything like that's stupid. To go back to a 16-year-old, it's hard to say like don't worry about these things because worrying about it is what made me who I am. It's like if I had been like forget about school. Like don't sweat these small things. Everything is going to work out all right. It wouldn't have. If my parents had been more supportive of my comedy and of my writing, I wouldn't be writing. Hey hey therapy at that moment might not have might have changed everything it might have it might have changed things but i but probably would

have made me more adjusted and i wouldn't be a stand-up like whatever i mean whatever road got me to where i am today i'm happy i was on that road i wouldn't change anything so it's almost like i wouldn't fuck with them you know i wouldn't like i wouldn't tell him anything. But if I was going to tell him something, it would be like, you're right. Enjoy. Enjoy it. You know, I want to say this. I look, I think that is great advice, actually. But I want to say this when it comes to the 16 and the 18 year olds.

I mean, at least for me, I was a comedy fan back then. I don't know if you are. I know some comedians weren't comedy fans. They just always comedy't comedy fans they just i was always a comedy comedy fan so when i get young kids that hit me up now i think oh yeah i was in fucking ninth grade listening to a gray-haired george carlin you know an older richard i mean eddie murphy was like the only anomaly that was even relatively close to our age who was that but um i don't want to forget about us as those kids now the life advice yeah but what i do care about is what they think about my comedy yes you know what i'm saying i want them

to laugh and think it's cool but if they don't like that's okay yeah like and they're a little more sensitive these days definitely way more so that they're that into me or some might be uh i think my audience is generally older uh Luckily, they're older and wealthy, which I enjoy. I enjoy. I'd heard once like Stanhope said, like, if you give a comic advice, you're just telling them how to be more like you. Like someone reached out the other day and was like, hey, I've got a friend who's like doing stand up in Pittsburgh and I want to take the next step. And I was like, listen, man, like I've been doing this 20 years. Things are way different now.

It's like I don't want to tell you not to do TikTok. I would never do that. But I wouldn't tell you not to because maybe that's your thing that I don't want to like give you bad advice. You know, the advice I would say like the movie Comedian. Watch the movie Comedian, the Jerry Seinfeld documentary. That kind of taught me everything there was to know. That's like a helpful way to be like just keep writing and working and like embrace failure. I guess I would just say embrace failure and maybe not too much like you want it to hurt because if it stops

hurting then then you're it does you know it's not gonna have the same effect like i go up with new jokes today and like they bomb and that makes me go home and write new ones i don't just keep doing the same set of shit that works that uh i don't know if that's advice i would give but i get it a lot i get people back home. They're like, what about this? And I'm like, look, this is going to sound like I'm being a dick. But the only way to do stand-up is to do it, period. I don't believe in taking a class. I believe if Robin Williams taught a comedy class, we wouldn't have a Chris Rock or a Dave Chappelle because people would think that's what comedy is.

It's an individual thing. What was it for though? It was a stand-up comedy class. But what was it? Like a basic, like before you ever started comedy or were you already in comedy? It was like,

I'm too scared to go on open mic. Let me do this. The guy had written a book. Greg Dean. Greg Dean. I went to the first one. And took his class. And then I did the second one

and then realized I don't want to do... It was like learn the rules to know how to break them. The kids who just go up there and then it's like second one and then realized I don't want to do... It was like learn the rules to know how to break them. The kids who just go up there and then it's like anarchy on stage. It's like you don't know the rules. It's subversive if you're bending the rules

and you know them and what they are. But if you have no idea, then it's just, it's not that fun. I took the... It was like a free intro class and my question to him was, who are you? What that kid asked you.

And he said, it's a great question. This is who I am. He had taught Whoopi Goldberg or something like that. And I was like, yeah, I get it. His whole thing was make sure you're doing the setup punch and go for a left turn on that punch. Don't just take the first one. That's our job is to go way deeper than the average person would and also still make it funny and relatable. I call it third thought. That's our job. Like everyone would, like first thought is like,

that's what anyone would think. Second thought's like, if you took a second, you would get it. That's an okay joke. Third thought is like, fuck, like totally caught me off guard. That's great. His thing for us was,

because you're teaching like all these different people and most of them are hopeless, but you've got to teach them all. So it's like, talk about your life. Only you have your experiences and deal of them are hopeless, but you've got to teach them all. So it's like talk about your life. Only you have your experiences. And deal with the crowd in front of you. Don't just like just rehearse the same set. You're not doing a movie.

Like deal with the crowd in front of you. You've got to do crowd work. Be present. Do what you have to do. Yeah, be present. But none of those people are doing anything. Nothing. One of them owns flappers, I think.

Dude, thank you so much for coming on. Please promote your podcast again, whatever you want. Jesselnick and Rosenthal Vanity Project, JRVP. It's just silly. It's wacky. People seem to like it. And if you like my comedy, people enjoy seeing the different side of me. But it's very dark.

I've enjoyed this, seeing a different side of you, too. So have I. Thank you. So have I. Thank you. So have I. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.