The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Ari Shaffir - JewDew

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Ari Shaffir! (Jew, This Is Not Happening) Ari Highlights the Lowlights of some early jobs he worked. Check out Ari on The Crabfeast! EP. 98 - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-98-ari-shaffir/id1452403187?i=1000429661650 EP. 278 - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-278-ari-shaffir/id1452403187?i=1000429661547 SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail]  COME SEE ME LIVE ON THE NIGHTPANTS NATION TOUR! GET TICKETS NOW! https://www.ryansickler.com/tour  SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips  SPONSORS: Liquid I.V. -Get 20% off when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW Crowdhealth -Go to https://www.Joincrowdhealth.com and use code HONEYDEW to join for just $99 per month for the first 6 months Raycon -Go to https://www.BuyRaycon.com/HONEYDEW and use code HOLIDAY to get 15% off SITEWIDE!

LA, I want to say thank you very much. My special recording at the Dynasty Typewriter on Wednesday, December 14th is sold out. I can't thank you all enough for it. We're going to have a fun fucking time. Also hear that they don't serve alcohol. So, hey, maybe you want to pregame, y'all. I'll see you on the 14th. Grand Rapids, Michigan.

I'll be there December 9th and 10th. Get your tickets for those shows on my website at ryansickler.com. I want to make a very special announcement here. I'm excited to say that I have the Crab Feast podcast back under my control. It's So, uh, it's every artist goal to get their, you know, property back to them. We got it. All right. So, um, if you don't know about the crab feast, um, but a lot of you do, I want to say this, I'm on the road at meet and greets. People come up and rocking with you since the feast, man, the feast, the feast, the crabast is a podcast that I did with Jay Larson. It's a storytelling podcast, audio only. We did it for about seven and a half years. There's 350 some episodes. Hell, if you listen to two a week, it would take you three and a half years to get

through it. But it's a phenomenal library that I'm very proud of. It's what preceded the honeydew for me. And it's got all the same favorite guests you love. Segura, Bert Kreischer, Bill Burr, Christina P. You name it. And they're all different stories, too. So if you love the honeydew, you've got to check out the Crab Feast. Subscribe to it today. It's still getting a ton of downloads already.

There's an active community on facebook that goes through every episode uh it's been almost gone for four years now so um feasters let them know uh honeydew fans if you are looking for you're all caught up on honeydew and you're like what else can i listen to i'm telling, go listen to the crab feast. It is a fantastic, fun, uh, storytelling podcast. You know, there you'll get like, man, I got this weird ghost story and a near death and a marriage story into this, where that's what, you know, I, the honeydew for me was the crab feast needed to have a baby. And I just focus on highlighting the low lights here. So go check it out. It's available everywhere you get podcasts. It's audio only, like I said. Subscribe, join the fan pages, have fun with it.

I'm going to be promoting it every week here on The Honeydew now that it's back in control here. So I'm very excited about that. Thank you, Feasters. Thank you, Honeydew fans. Enjoy the feast. The Honeydew fans. Enjoy the feast. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all.

We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the night pan studios i'm ryan sickler ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all your social media uh if you're watching on youtube i want to say please subscribe thank you all as i say every week this community continues to grow which fucking blows me away it really does so thank you for that hit that subscribe if you gotta have more then you gotta check out the Patreon. I keep saying it. We just talked to a lady who had two buttholes.

I'm gonna try to introduce her to the lady with two pussies. Talked to a dude that died. Dude was dead for three and a half minutes and was brought back. I'm telling you, it's five bucks a month. We haven't raised the price one bit. You got well over a hundred episodes of it. If you sign up for you, it's $5 a month. We haven't raised the price one bit.

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Grand Rapids. I will be there this week, I think, December 9th and 10th. And then L.A., I'm shooting my special Wednesday, December 14th at the Dynasty Typewriter. The first show is sold out, and there's a low ticket warning for the second show now. So use code Sickler at checkout. You'll get half off your tickets. All right. That's the biz. You guys know what we do over here.

We are highlighting these lowlights and listening to the stories behind the storytellers. Very excited to have this storyteller back on the do. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ari Shafir. Welcome back to the Honeydew. Thanks, bro. You know, I was like, I was looking at the Honeydew melon. I was thinking it was a cantaloupe. And I was like, why do they have so many cantaloupe pictures?

And then it dawned on you. Yeah, then it dawned on me. There is some cantaloupe. This one here. This is one of my favorite shots. This guy's passing up honeydew. To go get cantaloupe. To get the cantaloupe.

What a loser. Unless he's like giving. I could see Steve Simone doing that where it's like, no, everybody's going to want the honeydew. Yeah, right. Let me just get the cantaloupe. It's good enough for me. I'll suffer welcome back thanks bud um and congrats on the special thank you how many millions views at this point all of them I think um yeah yeah it's almost up to four what was your goal did you make a goal for yourself I wanted in a month I wanted a million

at a month and you did that in how many days? Three? Two days. Yeah, it was impressive. Yeah. Promote it. Tell everybody everything. Yeah, it's my fucking opus, man. I worked for five years on this one. Did you?

Yeah, real mindfully, like preparing material about just like jokes that work in clubs, all about like one topic and try to make it hold together and keep people's attention. I did it in places where there's no Jews, where there's tons of jews where that made sure it worked for everybody just so fucking mindful about it but uh yeah i'm stoked on it it looks good it's on youtube right now yeah yeah yeah people are i was talking to schultz about it he was like i told you like helping me with like thumbnails and shit like that he goes yeah people people like i'm like and i'm like i was like oh i know people will like it i just wanted to see it yeah you know that's what i was just saying like with before we were recording like do you remember

when we just wanted to tell jokes just write and get up and tell jokes you talk to your friend the unurban it was like it was like hey i got this fucking joke to work about chick her and like oh that's hilarious. And now you're like, hey, I'm figuring out the algorithm. Algorithm. I didn't even know what that word was. Social media app. What the fuck are you talking about? What is this, part of fucking data?

Journey to the Forge of Data Talk. Social media editors, hit me up for real. I'm looking for somebody right now, a legit social media editor who really can take this shit over the top. Fans do good jobs, too. I the top fans do good jobs too i know somebody just sent me this hit me up i'll show you this i was talking about the podcast to gmail.com how you do podcast gmail.com and so me and tim were talking about how in in um harry potter the fucking bankers are clearly jews that's why somebody did a fucking match it's just my special that That's what's up.

That's the best. That's the best. Once you put it out there, I love seeing what comes back. I passed out on Rogan's and they went nuts. The favorites are so talented, man. They're so talented.

The entirety of the internet is unequalable. Yeah. You know? I don't care how good, you could be Jon Jones. If you throw the whole, everybody at him,

he will lose. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And the level of humor on all of internet. Absolutely. good you could be john jones if you throw the whole everybody at him he will lose yeah you know yeah and the level of humor on all of internet absolutely there's some just like 19 year old kid out there kicking shit out you're like it's funny as fuck nailed it yeah i did a joke about a down syndrome kid playing football in philadelphia and i was just like his you know i saw this video and somebody goes was it was it Shane Gillis? I'm like, damn, dude. It doubled me over.

I was like, shh. But then I was like, fucking great, dude. That was fucking great. It wasn't even shitting on me. And I was like, fucking, well, man. I went back to it like 20 minutes later. I was like, hey, man, I'm not usually a fan of you guys piping up. But that was fucking great.

Good. All right. Hey, man, I'm not usually a fan of you guys piping up, but that was fucking great. Oh, good. All right, so go watch Ari's special. YouTube.com slash Ari Shafir. Just type in Ari Shafir Jew, and it'll come up. And then are you going on a tour after this as well? Are you going out live right now? You're going out live right now. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh and Salt Lake and Tampa and I don't know where, San Jose.

And then I'm going to hit Europe up. Hit Europe up. Yeah, I don't know. I was talking about Segura, how cool it is. You get to fucking play Europe. Yeah, I mean, to be able to sell tickets, does it blow your mind? It blows my mind that I sell tickets anywhere, first of all. But Canada blew me away yeah i was like damn edmonton edmonton was wild too we had to because they don't have a deaf lady on edmonton

really yeah but she's like i can't hear you third deaf person i've thrown out on this tour two of them were cousins really that's your genetics you've done shitty things that fucking drunk your grandfather did something wrong i I'm like, shut up. And they scream in their way. You've got to go. They had to throw their ass out. They were all belligerent. This lady in Edmonton was too.

She was belching and shit. And then you can't even tell her quietly, ma'am, we have to ask you to leave. It'd be like, what? No, she wasn't lying. That's what I'm saying. She's like, I'm 40% hard. I was like, you're not deaf. You're hard of hearing.

Oh, right. There's a difference. You're trying to glom onto somebody else's clothes. And she's just yelling the'm 40% hard. I was like, you're not deaf. You're hard of hearing. Oh, right. There's a difference. You're trying to glom onto somebody else's clothes. And she's just yelling the whole time. I didn't bring my hearing aids. Her boyfriend got up and left the table. Wow, dude. Why would you not bring your hearing aids to an audio event?

She also waited until the pandemic to find out that she was deaf. I said, you've been screaming like this your whole life at people, and you just thought that was normal? She's like, yeah. And then when the pandemic, I couldn't see her. her it was in the dark she's right on the end this is the problem i couldn't tell because some people don't know how to fucking order quietly so i couldn't tell if this was an order or if this was a server asking for more drinks so i'm letting it go until i finally hear the boyfriend. And I didn't realize he left. They were right on that edge where the light hits.

You know what I mean? You could see their shoes, that kind of shit. And I'm just like, who the fuck is that there in the darkness? And they threw her ass out. Good. Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's funny, too, because there's that moment of like, oh, you have to be kind to the deaf. But then you're like, nah, I'm going to see everybody equal here. Disability does not give you the fucking right to be disrupt the show asshole just you can be

an asshole period you need wheelchair access fair yes you need me to let you heckle not fair no yeah you can sit quietly in your fucking roll your ass right on out that ramp okay throw somebody out at the store but i was doing jew i did it there there once. You did? They threw somebody out? And he had to attach his leg. No! And I was like, dude, get out! They threw a dude!

And he was like, dude, fuck you. I'm a big fan. I was like, well, you gotta go, man. It's just too much. And then he stood up and he starts tying it on. No!

And it was that moment of like, fuck! But then he's like, lean in. I'm like, motherfucker, you're gonna take forever to throw out two. You're not even gonna go quietly. You're gonna fucking... Get, you're going to take forever to throw out, too. You're not even going to go quietly.

Get this motherfucker a skateboard and get him the fuck out of here. Attach it outside. You've been waiting for a cat before? That happened, dude. An amputee. And I was like, God, the worst possible guy to throw out. If I was him, I would have took my crutches and knocked shit all over. What are you going to do to him?

Oh, my God. That is terrible, dude. Yeah, I forgot about it. Somebody reminded me. shit all over what are you gonna do to him oh my god that is terrible dude yeah I forgot about it somebody reminded me and I was like oh yeah that is crazy dude he just kept mouthing off oh god damn dude oh shit

it took so long to I'm like of course the guy who's gonna take the absolute longest to get out of this fucking room was the one i had to throw out i couldn't have gotten usain bolt out of here it would have been out before you even said go blades either was it wasn't one of those no it was an old like tie it on like yeah he's tired he had to thread it at that 80s oh that's terrible i'm a big fan and you got like one second you're like oh i either gotta go sorry or you gotta go lean in oh that's what happened with me i go is that really wait she's like they're throwing me out because i don't have my hearing aid i go is that really what's going on really table goes no right away no it's nothing to do with we were like get her to fuck that

bitch i'm never hearing it get rid of her what world do you think we live in i love when you're a bad excuse where you're like i know that's not right i don't know what is right but i know your excuse is wrong oh shit all right let's talk about you said you wanted to talk about some uh old jobs i was trying to remember because i was like what am i gonna talk about yeah some embarrassing or fucking firing like what what was your first job my first fire was dominoes what was your first job arlington national cemetery really yeah you i can't even believe you were there What was your first job? My first fireman was Domino's. What was your first job? Arlington National Cemetery. Really? Yeah.

You were? In Washington, D.C. I can't even believe you were there. You know it. What did you do? I laid pipe, bro. How old were you? 16.

It was the first time you were allowed to work. Okay. You know? And you can work at, and what made you get a job there? Did you know someone? Someone suggested it? Like any Jew gets any job. I had an in.

Someone, I think my uncle knew someone who whatever. In summertime, they need more weed pickers and pipe layers. Really? Yeah. You had to get these fucking giant long pipe, way longer than this room. Pick them up off a truck, hot. You need gloves. PVC, the fucking.

Yeah. And you lay them male to female and just stick them in and they had this little latch and we're like you're draining what are they it was just to water the lawn irrigation yeah and so you do that lay them in turn it on then you go to the next one pick those up you know unbuckle and this is among all the the tombstones wow really yeah but you were never there after dark so it wasn't't creepy. No, but still, that's intense. I feel like it's an intense place to work. I feel like you couldn't fuck up anything there.

And yet. Did you mess up? I mean, dude, when it was like. Flooded a fucking soldier out of a goddamn coffin. No, I didn't do that. But okay, so I was good. Dude, these guys. I had never met black people before.

What? Yeah, not really. Until you were 16? Yeah, I mean, I knew a teacher here or there. No students? I grew up Orthodox Jewish. Oh, and you went to Hebrew school the whole time? Yeah, we had one black family.

You got one black Jew on your shirt right there, Sammy Davis, bro. Sammy Davis. Right there. Yeah, Jesus was probably black in this picture. Probably brown, for sure. Yeah, for sure brown for sure sure brown um i mean he probably lost some fucking tan in that cave but he was only there but up on that up on that thing he got a nice tan yeah he got bronze up there he's like damn give me some fucking

banana boat up here he has for, but give him that banana boat. Banana boat. Yeah, I never really met black people before, and they were there in droves. There was a couple summer hires, but it was mostly just people who were just there. In droves? Yeah. So what are we talking, like hundreds of people to take care of this property? No. It was maybe 15 people. Okay. The whole cemetery. Yeah, in the horticulture department

there was one old guy we play spades every day at lunch oh i love it yeah and i knew the game a little bit but the way they would play was such panache it wasn't like uh you know you're holding on to fucking seven of spades and like you know when you get like you play one heart and then it's time you're like you know i can trump heart now so the king gets played and you wait and instead of going like no i got that that's how i play they were like no and they pull it in and it was like damn damn listen that's not oh my god look when i went to uh nosh i went to catonsville Community College, okay? My two years to get my AA and my freshman year there, my first year, the 13th grade. What's your AA? Alcoholics Anonymous?

My AA is associate's degree. Yeah, general studies, bro. Too late to give out the other AAs. So these guys are always playing. The black guys are always playing Uno in the cafeteria. And they're playing aggressively like that. And one day, one of the guys said, you didn't call Uno. And the guy's like, fuck you.

I did too. And he's like, no, you didn't. He was like, fuck yeah, I did. And the dude picked up a chair, cracked him across the head. It fractured his skull. They had to land a helicopter on the fucking property and rushed this dude to the hospital. No way. Over Uno?

Over Uno. And immediately, it signs everywhere. No more card playing. No more dice. No more gambling. Like, done. Over Uno, bro. Fun for all ages.

Fun for all ages. That's what they say. Not all ages. Fun for four to 14. Cracked him over the fucking head. I bet he didn't call Uno. I bet he didn't call it up. I bet he didn't call it. It's crazy.

Otherwise, somebody else would have been like, no, no, I heard him. So how did you get... All right, so 16, you're into this thing. Did you want to do it? I'm a G1. Well, yeah, it was cool to have a summer job. Remember?

Yeah, I love summer jobs. Earning money. Landscaping, working in pools, yes. And it was like you didn't have the laziness yet but man they taught me how to be lazy they taught me way it was just like you did the job they tell you yeah yeah so we had one time we had to pick out weeds by the near the parking lot and and i'm you know i'm fucking picking out weeds and put it with this big trash can and one of the guys it was just me and him on duty and he's like nah nah nah nah and i was like what do you mean he goes nah dude and we got some newspaper and he just watered it up

put him like halfway up the fucking giant trash can and he goes all we gotta do is cover those newspapers nah yeah and i was like what dude black people are so smart and just we covered that up with a layer of weeds and and then we just slept in between, like, tourist cars. We even had Arlington National. Yeah, in the shade of the fucking parking lot in between some cars of tourists. Oh, goddamn, dude. Yeah, it was great. And then he goes, he'll pick us up at 4, 350.

How old was he? He was probably 25, 30. He was a full-time job. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, I forgot about that guy. So the black guys I used to work with at UPS were so fucking funny and so fun.

Shout out to UPS Baltimore Hub Primary 1, Joe Avenue. And they would do this thing in the loading thing where – and I worked with them, so I knew. But then I became a supervisor, so I knew. And I'm like, yeah, you can't be doing that shit anymore. But about a quarter of the way up, they would build a false wall instead of all the way to the back. They built it here. And then they would just take packages and chuck them over the wall and then stack the wall up to close it and then just build out the rest. So it looks like –

They're doing it. It looks like half that truck's full and it's not. Wow. And they're just throwing it because everyone's supposed to be like Tetris, nice and neat, stacking it. They're just, yeah. I love it. It's so smart.

What a game, the system. I learned about black humor. I had never seen black humor before, which this was the wildest one. You'll make a joke, whatever the joke was in the moment, and then they'll just repeat it and get an equal laugh. I was like, what? They'd be like,

why the chicken on the sword to get to the other side? Bah! Oh, motherfucker! He said to get to the other side! And everyone would just laugh equally. And I was like, how many times can you tag it

with the same exact thing? I was like, wow, black humor is interesting. So we did that. So the one time I got in trouble, so I was good and he gave me one duty, which was you just,

instead of lifting these heavy pipes, you get to just like go to some of the flower beds and just, you attach us. They call it the magic wand on top of a hose. And it would kind of go up with like a hose attachment so you know you're just like watering the water the the flower beds it's real light instead of like the fucking massive um piping thing and i got tomb of the unknown soldier and i was watering it it was great it was just like easy work you know you didn't

have to fucking lug shit. But is there, is the soldier standing right there too? Are you by him? No, sorry. There is too many on the soldier. Okay, okay, okay. And the Marines were there, and that was the coolest fucking gig they could get

because all they got to do is march up and down. All those guys would just do pushups all day. They would trade shifts. So like, hey, I got to work every six hours for two hours. He goes, I'll just do four hours straight. They're Marines. They can handle this. And then I have two days off.

And they would just sit there playing cards and doing push-ups all day. Oh, they're not just standing still the whole time like the British Guard? When they're on duty, they do. Oh, okay. Then they're in the fucking hut. I see. They're just having a good time. I see.

This was Eternal Flame. Excuse me. Eternal Flame. Okay. Yeah. JFK. And so there's a- If you ordered and put this motherfucker out. Eternal Flame. Okay. Yeah. JFK. And so there's- If you ordered

and put this motherfucker out- Dude, the hose popped off. The hose popped off and it wasn't screwed on enough. And this fucking stream of water, because it goes up and then down. This stream just shoots up and then right into the fucking

pit of flame. There is no way, dude. Yeah. Yeah. What happened? It's out. No. Yeah.

You did not. I did. Bullshit, dude. It's out. And there's all these Asian tourists. You put the eternal flame out? Yeah. I'm sorry, Jay.

Yeah. There's all these Asian tourists around, and it's just this water shoots out, goes right into the fucking hole. I mean, I'm on the outside. There's this ring of flowers. I'm on the outside of them just just i mean there's all these like tourists these chinese tourists whatever and they're just like the flames out you could tell they're like looking up in their book like what does eternal mean um because it's out what are you doing are you shitting yourself shitting myself and who do you fucking tell i mean i i thought i mean i'm

16 so i'm like i gotta relocate it's treason it's not just like i fucked up at work i'm going to jail maybe it's jfk he's beloved also listen i don't want to defend you right now he's i want to hear the story but i feel like the eternal flame should go out as easily as a little hose. Yeah. Fire off the top. What happens in the rain? Yeah. For real.

For real. Well, they did have, I guess, a fucking gas like a pilot light. It did pop back on after about 30 seconds. It really did. Yeah. It felt like forever. And then it just comes back on. And I was like, fuck. it felt like forever and then it goes and just comes back on and i was like fuck that's not the first time it's happened then did you ask anybody or

no i didn't tell anybody a word i didn't tell anybody i was so nervous you look at those tours you're like shut up did i matt egger did this once he's parking cars at the store and he's not a good driver. And I saw him back up, I believe a Benz slammed into a Porsche. And then he goes, fuck, and he looks and I'm by the back door, you know, where everybody goes to smoke, and I'm the only one out there. And I had done that job before. And he's like this, and I go,

and he's like, and he just parts it to tell a word. And I'm like, dude, you didn't do it on purpose. These are rich motherfuckers, and this will break you. Yeah, that was fun. Damn, dude. You put out the eternal fucking flame. Fuck.

I feel bad now. That is treason. That is treason. I mean, not accidentally. In a way. Accidentally, it's not. I mean, Jesus Christ. We'd lay these pipes, and then as soon as it was on, it was so hot.

It was D.C. summer. Yeah. You know. Muggy and humid. Muggy. Yeah, fuck yeah. We would just dance through the fucking – the sprinklers. We would just dance through them.

It was so nice. We got yelled at a bunch. We got yelled at a bunch. We didn't show their respect. Those military dudes, man. When I used to deliver – so I would deliver the New York Times all over. I'd start in Baltimore City, and my route would take me down to Annapolis to the Naval Academy. And I didn't realize.

I figured it out, but there would be a guy on post, and every time a car would drive by, it was a gate in front of the Naval Academy. He'd have to walk from this side to that side. Okay. And I didn't catch it the first couple times and i'm there every fucking night monday to friday and i see and then man i just start circling back and just making this motherfucker keep i was like oh he's gotta go and every i would just go up turn around come back well i'm dying laughing he's fucking he's looking at me too like listen motherfucker

because also when you can make that fucking military people work harder it's like that's nice i love fucking with people like that it's so fun and they don't know it yet i used to do the jamie on uh on rogan's podcast where i like you know i was talking that i'd like slump and i see him like get up and like lower the camera i didn't notice it you know something nags at you but you don't know and then i'm like talking again and then i get it see him like lower the camera i didn't notice it you know something nags at you but you don't know and then i'm like talking again and then i'd get it see him like raise the camera and i was like oh and then i'm just like yeah you know as soon as he's done i'm just like this and i'm just hurting myself i'm just off camera on the biggest podcast in the world he's like what else have you done dude i wait tell me i'm just remembering all this shit now. One guy was like, we saw a Mercedes.

He goes, what you call that? And I'm like, Mercedes Benz? He goes, that's called Black Man's Dream. Is that what he told you? Yeah, and I was like, that's cool. This same guy one day, he goes, hey, look at my belt buckle. And he had had his dick just right just the head above it. And he was like, look at his belt buckle.

And I was staring at it because it made no sense. Dicks can't get that above the fucking waistline. I was like, what? I'm just staring at it. What is that thing above your belt buckle? Holy dudes, dude. I swear. They don't give a fuck.

They don't give a fuck. And a color of a head of a dick I've never seen before. Look at my pussy. Look at my pussy. Look at this nip. Is that a spider bite? Yeah, never they suck i'll tell every one of your seven female listeners you guys fucking suck have some fun do a little titty slap yeah that was wild um is that the first time you saw a black penis it is it is it is i didn't suck one till till months later

we had uh god damn that was a fun job we would lie because it was so hot we're wait we finished all the you know unloading the truck and we're just waiting to get picked up a big suburban and it was just hot and we if we saw an open grave, we would just get in it. It was shady and cool. You'd get in it? Yeah, we got yelled at a lot. I was going to say, wouldn't that be one for a soldier coming? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

100%. But the soldier wasn't there yet. But you don't have to water that or you didn't party? No, they had a truck come and scoop it out and get it all even for whatever. And you didn't have to do any of that, like maintenance for those? We argued it. It's disrespectful. To whom?

There's no one in here. Yeah. Dancing over the graves? For sure disrespectful. Lying in an unused grave, that's just a hole in the ground. Yeah. It was beautiful. You ever been there?

Yes. It's gorgeous. Yeah. And they have some celebrities there, too. Joe Louis is buried there. I didn't know that. Abner Doubleday, I think. And some presidents. Venter Baseball, isn't that the Venter Baseball? Yeah. Yeah. You Joe Lewis is buried there. I didn't know that. Abner Doubleday, I think. And some presidents.

Venner Baseball, isn't that the Venner Baseball? Yeah. Yeah. You had to get buried there. I think you had to do 20 years to get a full plot. 20 years or Purple Heart or killed in service, which I guess you get Purple Heart for being killed, right? It's not just injured. You get a Purple Heart for – no, you'd be alive.

But if you get killed, that also counts. Oh, I would say yes then i'm sorry yes not you don't have to die to get a purple heart though so any of those get a burial they had these like these like um you know mailboxes you can get for like some service um yeah the funeral processions were pretty cool oh you would actually see those come in we'd see them yeah it was it was pretty great i mean the military does it right 21 gun salute and all that yeah we'd just be away and like at that point we were like respectful we're like we're not with our gen g fucking close firing up the weed whacker the guy's like uh-uh yeah so i'm remembering this too so one day i mean it was cool i was i was a g1

so they had this chart of like of like why am i turning it i just go like this and uh um of where like you lay on the chart so i was entry level 16 years old and just started so i was in the top left corner of the chart six dollars and 36 cents an hour damn and then if i worked again next year i'd get like 670 and then whatever. It was fine. It was plenty of money back then. But meeting all these people. So one day we're all sitting talking. I remember it was like we're done. Let's say we're off at five.

I think we're up at five. Was it mostly guys? Only guys. Only, okay. Only guys. So it was fun. At all age range? Are you the youngest?

You're 16. Oh, yeah, I'm the youngest. There was another like 18-year-old hire, I think. But he was more more of a man i'm an orthodox jew i came with my yarmulke and just like you know they asked me a couple questions are you a jew on youtube right now comedy special um yeah and one day it was like i don't know 440 and we were just back at the at the at the clubhouse or whatever you know where we eat our lunch and shit and i was like i guess we're done you know and i was like let me clock out're done. And I was like, let me clock out. And the guy was like, no, motherfucker.

You clock out at five. What the fuck are you doing? I was like, well, we're done working. He goes, no. The job, I was over at five. It's the fucking manager or whatever, the foreman. And I was like, but we're done. He goes, that's not how it works. And it's like, it's almost like I didn't realize, like, yeah, I'm letting you guys off

to chill for 25 minutes. Don't fuck it up by clocking out early i didn't get any of this the one oldest man he was great at spades and we play single space we didn't play team spades it was like every man for himself he was talking one day and he goes yeah there's weird things happening where i'm just like some fluids coming out of my dick the head of my dick and everyone was like what he goes yeah i just got this like flu it's kind of like and they're like what is it semen he goes yeah i think so and it's just kind of like leaking out and they're like during sex and he was like no just i'm older it just starts leaking out there was like a respectful silence for about 20 seconds and then they just

started killing this guy oh yeah like first of Oh, yeah. Like, first of all, that's not normal. That's not just old. Yeah, you got STDs. You're going to die. You have untreated chlamydia for years. Oh, my God. You just said,

yeah, untreated chlamydia. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I said he got untreated chlamydia. Over here. Oh, my God. Oh, it was so great.

Oh, I forgot about that guy, too. Dude, I haven't thought about this place in so long. Dude, I worked. You're making me think about this now. I worked. It was the best. I worked at UPS with older black guys. I worked at this one place, though.

It was called the Baltimore-Washington Auto Exchange. Okay. And it was an auto auction. And Monday to Friday, it was me and two of my friends from high school that worked there when we were in college. And everyone else was an older black dude that was either laid off or fired or just not working or whatever. work and whatever. And if you could get there by 9 a.m., the first, I think it was like a dozen people could get a dealer tag, and your job all day was to drive these nice Lincolns, Cadillacs, whatever, from lot A to lot B. That's it. They're like, we're going to take you in this EconoLine van, and we're going to take you to lot A, and you're going to drive from the Covey lot to Luskin's. That was what he'd always say, right?

Okay. And you had to be there by 9. If not, then you did the auction, and the auction was just driving these cars on the lot through the thing. But on Thursdays, if you drove the cars, they made you do the auction. Okay? You had to do it at least one day a week. Okay. So we would get Monday, Tuesday, wednesday friday that was fun but because we were always driving the

nice cars we would get the fucking shitty cars at the auction and be like you go get that 1976 nissan 280z with no air conditioner anything like ah'd pull it in, people bid on it or whatever. But these older black dudes were the funniest motherfuckers, and they didn't give a shit about anything. It's so freeing. It was the dozens all the time. It was shitting on everyone all the time. And people, they're like, you're, people still are, you're a ball buster.

I'm like, that's just, I grew up around that everywhere. Not just my friends. Yeah. To strangers. That's just – I grew up around that everywhere. It was just normal. Not just my friends. Yeah. So this –

Just strangers. We had two guys that would drive the van for us to go from Covila to Luskin's Lot. One guy was named Wild Bill. This little dude was probably like 5'5", wore a cowboy hat with feathers on it, like that old dude, you know what I mean, with a vest and jeans and cowboy boots and thought he ran shit. The other guy was this young dude that was built very weird he had hips like he had hips and i can't believe it they would fucking yell to this kid while they were he was driving he'd be driving saying hey bitch hips they call him and we would be in the fucking back he's like fuck you he's like fuck you bitch. He's like, fuck you, bitch hips.

And the whole band, it's like 10 of them or nine of them are fucking calling him bitch hips. I love that somewhere in his head he thinks the fuck you is going to get them to stop and not way worse. It's like, oh, here we go. Yeah. Oh, he doesn't like bitch hips? Yeah. Oh, great. Guess what?

And then they would start calling him hog dick. And that, I don't even know why. We never found out. Like, hey, hog dick, you missed that left, man. And they all be like, ah, ah, ah. They would do the hog dick and that i don't even know why we never found out like hey hog dick you missed that left man and they all be like and we will be in the back we never did that like but we would be like fuck yeah oh man those older black dudes are funny as shit i used to pick a guy up that worked at ups with me before i was uh before i was a before i was a

supervisor i unloaded with him and his name was daryl right do they get mad that you passed them no they get mad it's not that i passed them i hustled to get that job they get mad that who the fuck do you think you are you worked with me on friday and on monday you're telling me what to do right that's what they don't like ups should should promote you and move you to it i was literally supervising the guys i worked not cool not cool at all this is why everybody wait and i was like come on man we gotta pick it up maybe like go fuck yourself damn it you got me on were you picking it up i'm like going to bathroom going ahead they would do that and take a break i'm like you motherfucking they would do everything

i know you know but um this dude was a drinker and he was about to get fired and i liked them so much as an older dude and i was like i'll come sometimes yeah always yeah i'm like we can sneak back and i go you need to chew gum he's like you're good to me ryan i was i become a supervisor chew gum don't get me in trouble at least like we're working to cover your shit up so i'm a supervisor and i go to this fucking uh bar like a neighborhood bar in baltimore city right by um oh what was the fucking school there it was cardinal gibbons and what was the other big one there it'll come to me later but um i go pick them up and it's a local baltimore bar it's only black people in there and i walk in and it's like that record scratch moment and they're like i'm like i'm here to get

daryl and they just stare at you and then some one everybody's staring at you but one guy in like the middle of the crowd's like daryl you know what i mean but still staring like yeah and then daryl comes out and he's like what's up man I'm like oh thank god I'm like come on man and I'm like chew gum and I take him to work and I make sure he's alright

he's always giving me the thumbs up and then the motherfucker ends up stealing and then I can't help him you know I protected you all I could yeah

did everything I could for you bro I loved working with those guys they were so funny they're fun it's so funny so much ball busting

and making you laugh about shit. I still remember that. It's like. Bitch hips. It's like, what a good way. Yeah, we got to be at work, but let's not be mentally working. Yeah, for real. Let's have fun with this bullshit.

We had one day. They grew a watermelon in the yard. Nuh-uh. Yeah. They were like planted one and it was time to pick it. Now listen, I should say this as a disclaimer. You should say it. Everybody likes watermelon.

I love watermelon. It's a superfood for me. It's a superfood. It is a superfood for me. It's watermelon. I did a whole test. Really? Yeah, it's a superfood.

Dogs love watermelon. That's the best. Chickens love watermelon. Yeah. Everybody loves watermelon. I did a whole test. Really? Yeah, it's a superfood. Dogs love watermelon. That's the best. Chickens love watermelon. Yeah. Everybody loves watermelon. And they picked it. I was like, oh, sweet. Picnic food, watermelon.

And man, they devoured that thing. I couldn't even reach in there. It was like Tasmanian devil. It was like, whoa. I was like, whoa, whoa. What is happening? Oh, my gosh. And I didn't even know the stereotype back then.

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Now, let's get back to the do. Here is the best day at Arlington National Cemetery. I cannot believe Ari Shaffir, Jew, Patriot, worked at the Arlington National Cemetery. I was going to go back next year. I didn't go back the next year. I don't know why. I think I started delivering dominoes or something two years later.

This was the best day at Arlington. We're on our lunch break. We all go back there. We're eating our bag lunch. We had the trucks. You could get – they come up and whatever. We're about ready to go out. We had this little tv in one of the

side rooms it was like the foreman's office then the side room where we have a couple tables and like that was where we played spades and this other room a couple couches little tv they smoked um you could smoke inside back then smoke on planes you could smoke on planes and then eventually like half and half curtain I barely remember that but you remember it too right ashtray like soldered in for a while yeah I remember

at some point you were like man how old is this they still got the ashtray I know they soldered it shut but this is an old plane anyway we were about to leave, and I was watching TV. The news was on or something. It was soap operas, and then they broke in, and it was like, come on, let's go. We're going back out there. And I saw Marion Barry on the TV, and I was a hero.

I go, hold up, you guys, hold on. And they're like, what? I'm like, hold on one second. And all I just saw was the mayor of Washington, D.C. saying the words, bitch set me up. Yeah, that's his crack. Yeah. Bitch set me up.

And I was like, what is it? I'm like, just, I don't know, come look at this. And man, we got the rest of the day off. We all just looked at the news for the rest of the day. Marion Barry got caught. The mayor. Mayor of the most powerful. The capital of the United States of America. Got caught being set up by a hooker.

What was her name? I don't remember her name. She was famous for a little while for this. For crack. For crack. Selling him crack. remember her name she was famous for a little while for this and and for crack for crack selling him crack he was in a hotel room with you know those fake hotel rooms with another hotel right next where they're just like cameras are in there they busted in and he was like bitch set me up he was just buying crack for his hooker looking back no big deal you know why he still ran the government he got re-elected he got re-elected. He was running a city that just didn't care about crack the way anyone else might care about it.

They were like, that's actually not a big deal. Yeah, you got to go to jail, but that's not – it's like in Berlin if you get caught cheating on your wife. They're like, eh. It's like I'm trying to think what – you know what I mean? It was like your standards are not my standards. Well, that Toronto mayor did it too. too remember that guy he was on crack too and they're like uh he was so crooked i think he won too didn't he get reelected he might have yeah john ford he just died right not john ford something ford i don't know but yeah he was like bitch set me up he just kept saying bitch set up. And we all sat around. I got a bunch of attaboys for fucking spotting it.

Yeah. Yeah. Rubbing your yarmulkes. Yeah, we watched Mary and Barron. Everyone's like, can you believe this news? It's like, this is what a day for us. Yeah, what a day for us. We were talking, we were going to cover local volleyball scores.

Instead, the fucking mayor is with the hooker by crack. I later met him. I was on ONA with Rogan. And we were there and he walked by and then fucking Norton sprung into action. He walked by doing somebody else. And he goes, Mr. Barry, I think he was in between mayor and not mayor and the mayor again. He goes, we'd love to interview you. He goes, sure.

He just thought radio station. He didn't think morning zoo. And he was like, Norton was like trying to give it up for him. He was like, you're a testimony to like a testament to the American dream. You can like sink to the depths and overcome this terrible thing and still become, or he had been mayor again and become mayor again. Yeah, and not mayor of a city in South Dakota. Yep, it's not bismarck it's not dc d washington dc the capital of black america to be honest it's an important fucking town and he goes uh what

do you mean sink to the depths he goes well you know the, the arrest for crack. He goes, it wasn't an arrest for crack. And we're like, what? He goes, I never did crack. And then we're all kind of silent for a minute. And we're like, what do you mean? He goes, no, they didn't catch me with crack. That wasn't real crack. Because I guess it was one of those things where you had to buy it,

but you couldn't sell fake tickets for it. You can't sell them the actual. So you can't sell them real. So you can't pin them for crack is what they're selling them, but you can get them for the purchase of it. And Rogan's like, but what did you think you were buying? He goes, and he just leaves. He was like, I'm done with this.

He takes off. Oh, man, Marion Barry was great. Great speaker. Ran the government well. People loved him. They loved him so much they re-elected him on camera wasn't even like the images burned in our minds that's why i felt bad for him he's like bitch set him up bitch shut me up bitch shut me up like as soon as they busted he realized oh i'm

here with this fucking hooker god what was her name god remember her name when you see her name you will remember it you grew up in that region. I think she was internationally known. There was a couple hookers, Stormy Daniels or whatever, where you were like – Who was Divine Brown? Divine Brown. Was that her? Who was she?

One of them was a Hugh – the black girl that Hugh Hefner got busted with was big for a little while. No, Divine Brown was – Divine Brown. Was the guy from Four Weddings and a Funeral. That's Hugh – I mean, not Hugh Hefner. Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant. I said Hefner. Divine Brown was the guy from Four Weddings and a Funeral. That's Hugh. I mean, not Hugh Hefner. Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant. I said Hefner.

Divine Brown. You're just a fucking hooker, and now you're internationally known. You suck the actor's dick, and everybody knows your name. Yeah. And you didn't even tell. You just got caught. Yeah. That's right.

So you couldn't even have the moral high ground. That's right. I wasn't going to say shit. I couldn't. My mouth was full. Full of the most beautiful cock you've ever smelled. Beautiful British cock. Oh, my God.

Yeah. What a fucking day. That job was fucking great. That was the best day of the job. It was. It was. It's a very, very trash day. Every hour, people get to the bathroom and they're like, all right.

You should have said that to him in a row. That's what you do. Your worst day was my best day. It was my best day. I should have. I should have been like, I'm part of this story. Somehow, I know very minorly, you won't appreciate it, Mr. Berry, Mayor Berry, but man, you really made my day. God damn.

And so what did you do after that then? I delivered pizzas for Domino's. I delivered flowers. I got fired from delivering pizzas. Why? What did you do? I'd steal a lot. from delivering pizzas. Why? What'd you do? I'd steal a lot. How'd they catch you?

What are you stealing? Food or are you stealing the money and the tips? The money, the tips. So we had a thing. After 30 minutes, they used to have after 30 minutes, your pizza's free. Yeah. Until that car accident happened. They killed somebody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They killed somebody rushing to not give a free pizza out. And they're like, hey, you can't incentivize people to speed like that. Yeah, for real. Just give them a $ dollar pizza you fucks five dollars off yeah is what we changed to they even said during the training you don't always bullshit about don't they make you buy the shorts and the shirt they don't just give it to you they make you buy it comes out of your check yeah so the first like three weeks you're not even getting paid did they saw that hat it is a cool hat now it's a trucker style with the mesh in the back

yeah would you get to any aggressive people hey, you're after 30 minutes. Would you get that a lot? Absolutely. And then you give them the $5 off. Now, here's the cool thing. If you're getting the pizza out the door at 25, right, because sometimes they're backlogged, sometimes you're getting it at 35. That's already $5 off.

It's like, sorry, it's going to take an hour to get there. In busy season, soup bowl kind of shit. You get it as fast as you can, but they're not getting it at $35. That's already $5 off. It's like, sorry, it's going to take an hour to get there. In busy season, soup bowl kind of shit. You get it as fast as you can, but they're not getting it. So give them all $5 off. At $25, they're like, assume you didn't make it. And then I picked up a pizza at $25. They're like, assume that's a $5 off. Got there in four minutes.

And the guy was like, oh, great, you just made it. And he gave me full price and i'm like well hold on the store told me it's gonna be five dollars off this guy doesn't expect it because i got there under 30 minutes and then the jew bulb went off and i'm like i'm an entrepreneur so anytime i was close picking up the pizza after 25 or getting there at like 32 33 minutes most people didn't realize about the deal and everything was cash then everything was cash everything you couldn't bring a fucking thing with swipe and pay and it was cash cash cash that's right you ordered it sometimes you'd be there no one would be there my motherfucker and they taught me like if anybody

gives you a 10 cent tip just like keep the change on 990 go no no no i'll get your change hold on right here you go back to your car get a dime like there you are sir just throw it in their fucking face um so i got the 32 33 minutes and i'm like here's your pizza 20 let's say 20 now if they go well hold on it's uh it's been 33 minutes you go oh my god you're absolutely right 15 it is no big deal if they didn't mention it you tell the store five dollars off so you're skimming five on every delivery yeah okay eventually it becomes like hey man you're not you're missing a lot of you're getting late a lot you're giving these people five dollars off you're not getting there in time um you're not learning your route one time i ran out of gas and i didn't i was just

like fuck i just i was an idiot you know so i was like i had to walk and fucking get a bucket and fucking fill up my gas and fucking whatever so he's like you're not letting her out we gotta let you go he didn't fully accuse me of stealing but that's what i was doing that's why i was late every single delivery how much you pull in a night we average about two dollars and ten cents a tip you know and then sometimes we deliver to like Georgetown Prep or something like that, a big order and get a lot more. Plus the five. So I'm averaging like six, seven a pizza. And how many are you ripping a night?

Plus mileage. That's a congested area. Oh, yeah. When I got – when it was like – eventually it was like, hey, we got to let you go. I was like, worth it. You know? I got fired a month early. I did four months extra worth of work.

Yeah. Oh, worth it. I was embarrassed though. I was i i did four months extra worth of work yeah oh worth it i was embarrassed though i was too embarrassed to go pick up my last paycheck to get fired as a jew it's like it's a conservative household you're just like you don't get fired from jobs and i remember the first time getting fired so i felt ashamed and whatever i did i felt like whoa i must have this month i must be terrible at this or whatever and I'm like that's just ain't for me yeah I don't have any passion to give it your own thing yeah what's the craziest shit you saw delivering pizza um I mean you got to see some weird shit yeah we saw some people's houses opening their doors yeah we saw a full like fucking going on

what do you mean like they're trying to show off some people are trying you ever been choked by Chuck Palahniuk there's this like theory that some people like being seen so you'll go open the door in the in the in the airplane and someone's like hey but oh shit sorry and then it's like why didn't they lock that door they want you to see them you know they're these voyeurs that like want or the opposite whatever that want you to see they don't lock doors on purpose so that you'll walk in on them. So they're opening the door. There's fucking going on. There's a naked lady on a bed.

I remember going like, what? This guy in a fucking short robe, you know, the porn rope. It's like, hi. I mean, he's opening it wide. She was just on bed smoking naked.

They were fucking with me. They were fucking with delivery boy. And this little fucking, you know, yiddle diddle with his yarmulke. Hadn't seen anything like this before. Cause they told me that might happen that you, someone will ask for the special sauce. But looking back,

like that's lying. No, but no housewife ever did that for you. What are you talking about? Semen, Ryan. I'm talking about semen. But coming over to fucker.

Yeah. Okay. Not jerking off. Come on in for a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We never ate. We never ate anything. We never took any toppings off. Not me. Okay, not jerking off on the pizza. Come on in for a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We never ate anything.

We never took any toppings off. Not me anyway. Spit on it. None of that good. Good. We're just delivering the pizza. There's no time. You'd have to know it's a shitty tipper who keeps ordering.

None of that. O'Neal and Danish used to deliver to Drew Carey all the time, and he would tip 100 bucks every time. Damn. Yeah. They did yummy.com. I'd fist fight to get that fucking pizza. Well, sometimes whatever girl he was dating would open the door, and they'd be like, oh,

and they'd tip like five, a normal amount. And they'd be like, we really should deliver this to Mr. Carey. He's in the back room. He's like, we'd really like to put it in his hand ourselves. Dude, there's nothing like a good tipper. I got a job at a law firm and it was a $10 an hour

job, which was fucking great. Ended at $12. I mean, I could. And I was like, if I get this job, I'm going to do the next pizza delivery guy. I'm going to give him a $20 tip as like a fucking thank you to my roots you know i got the job i was over my friend aaron levine's place at university of maryland in his dorm not his dorm his off-campus housing and this guy gave him a 20 he goes thank you didn't even

fucking react i was so fucking pissed two minutes later knocking the door he goes hey i think you tipped me wrong i didn't even see it and i was like hell yeah no man that's for you it's like yeah thank you that's what you want dude i fucking uh found okay i'm walking at the park one day yeah and i find a check on the ground personal check and it's for like eight thousand dollars oh right and i look at it and it's got the person's full name and address on it i'm like oh shit that's right over here half a block away so i'm like i'm gonna be a a good person to go return this check cool i go return the check dude's like what's up like i'm walking at the park over here and i found this check are you whatever sean he's like yeah i guess eight thousand dollar check just laying on

the ground he's like thanks Shut the door in my face. What? That was it. What the fuck? That's where it got. What a fucking cunt. That was it, bro. That was it.

It was a lot. And I wanted to be like, PS, what the fuck do you do for a living, man? Yeah, what do you do for a living? I didn't say, hey, is that your bike on the sidewalk? I was like, yeah, but it could have been in the yard. Who gives a shit? You know, like, damn. I lost my skank fest check. I left it in the yard who gives a shit you know like damn i lost my skank fest check i left it in the bin at tsa i had no idea and i got a fucking dm on on instagram

or something from who this guy who found my check no way it wasn't tsa just holding it or anything those motherfuckers you'll see something you'll be like hey there's like a really nice lighter or some like a pen or like a r a Ralph's Club card, keys. They're like, hey, am I dropped keys? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm doing what you should be doing. Yeah, seriously. Somebody's life is going to be fucking really put out because you're fucking searching us for no fucking reason.

I caught a single goddamn terrorist. 0 for 2. 0 for 2. Yeah. Two people tried. They both got on since 9-11. Is that right? They got on?

Yeah, the shoe guy and the underwear guy. That's right, the shoe guy. They both got on since 9-11. Is that right? They got on? Yeah, the shoe guy and the underwear guy. That's right, the shoe guy. They both got right on. The shoe guy. You've done absolutely fuck all, and everyone's losing their keys. The shoe guy. The shoe guy. Losing their key.

Yeah, one time this Asian guy was patting me down, and I patted him down my shoes. I was like, you can't search me, and I was like, do whatever. And he's like, I was like, why do you do the shoe things? He's like, because of the shoe bomber. And I was like, yeah, you guys really fucked up on that one, didn't you? He got right on. What happened big loss huh and he goes yeah i'm like this is demeaning your culture right touching a man's shoes and he was like go on sir go on sir yeah um wait that reminded me of something delivering delivering pizzas making tips you had voyeurs, you said.

Yeah, but somebody finding something for you. Oh, you were talking about tipping that guy 20 bucks, and he was stoked, and I was like, I found this check, and the guy didn't give a fuck. Yeah, they should give a fuck. I mean. You find a fucking $8,000 check. What was he going to do? I remember. Go.

what was he gonna do you know i remember go i was uh i got back from southeast asia and i hadn't seen anybody went right to the nashville comedy festival i told abrams and i was like uh i was like i sent him a letter i was like i know you guys wanted to do the wild west comedy festival we had a show at third man records which would have been very cool you know uh jack white's record company and i was like i know you guys are talking about that I'm staying longer off the grid than I than I planned and I wrote him a letter like if you guys still want to do that add me to the website I don't have my I don't have access to email my emails locked out on purpose my Instagram my Facebook all of us locked out my phone's in my drawer at home and in New York and I was like if I see that shows on the website I will be there

I'll find I think at that time I was like, if I see that show on the website, I will be there. I'll find, I think at that time I was in Indonesia when I sent the letter. They added it to the site. I showed up. Hadn't seen anybody. Bert Kreischer's there.

Knocks on my door. He's like, I think Ari's here. Knocks on my door. Fucking quickly took off all my clothes, opened the door. He's like,

come on, dude. I'm like, welcome back to me. He's all excited. I think Abrs is in the room for this actually and he goes dude i just made the most money i've ever made in my life at a club i think he did the san jose improv i'll be there in march uh and it's a big venue and he filled it up for the first time and he goes it's it was seventy thousand dollars it was so fucking much. He makes that much fucking breathing now. Yeah.

But like, he was like, look at this fucking check. Not rubbing at my face, but showing off. Sometimes we see rich people bragging. It's not that they're fucking callous. It's that they still view themselves

as this fucking nobody. You know, they've just started making money. can you believe this? Right, can you believe it? And you realize who you're talking to, you're like,

oh shit. But it's also like, you're excited about it. And he like look at this i was like god damn bert that is fucking awesome and he's like no no no and he realized him it's like they'll recut the check but i'm like he was so fucking worried he's like i'll be disowned i'll be disowned oh shit i had a lady hit me up this is like this is i want to say it might even been during the pandemic when i really needed that fucking money too but uh this lady hits me up and she's like hey i live in your old apartment and i said i haven't lived in that apartment for like 10 years. And she goes, well, I got this mail that I just assumed was for me.

And I open it. It turns out it's for you. And it's a check from Blue Shield for like, I don't know, like $3,000. And it says, well, the check's not there. It says that they owe me this. And I have X amount of days to claim it and i go well how many days they said 30 and i go well there's only like three days left she goes yup and they just mailed it i just got this and so you know what's fucked up i haven't lived there for 10 years and i've had blue shield they managed to send me my bill every motherfucking month to the right isn't that interesting send that bill isn't that every motherfucking month comes right to my mailbox but this one and it says on there if it's not claimed it'll go to whatever some thing and so she i said

look this is money help this is found money i said i'd love to give you a cut of this i'll give you 20 and she's like i don't want anything i'm like come on she's like i want nothing fuck them i'll help you said helping you is all i want i said i would i gladly make a donation into whatever you want any charity you want whatever nope refuse to take it and because of that i got like three thousand damn nice and i just started wondering like how many fucking times are they doing that shit to people because they did i knew they overcharged right one year i'd hit my ten10,000, but they kept charging me. I'm like, I can't.

Yeah, they always do. It's like, you owe us money. I'm like, I haven't been back to the hospital. I paid you. I know I paid you off complete. And now suddenly I owe you? And then I'm sure if I looked into it enough, they'd be like, oh, yeah, it turns out you're fine.

But I'm in collections now. And I'm like, how'd you find me? She's like, it was pretty easy to find. Just Googled you. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, you Googled me. Dude, on the way home from the store once, I found a license. And I was like, let me look her up. And I was like, hey, same thing., you're Googleable. Dude, on the way home from the store once, I found a license. And I was like, let me look her up. And I was like, hey, same thing.

It's your license. It's very annoying. But also, can't you just drop that in a mailbox? Won't they mail that to you since it has your address on it? Yeah, I could have. But I was like, hey, you lost your license? Yeah. You know, yeah, sure.

Looked her up. She was Googleable or whatever. She had an Instagram. She's like, sweet. She makes candles. This is when I whatever she had an Instagram she's like sweet she makes candles this is when I was living in LA she said I'll come get it okay

gave it to her went into Dr. Drew and she's fucking one of his assistants or something no way yeah she goes you saved my fucking

how about that how about that put it on air give me some fucking credit for once yeah it's nice when you help somebody out

when you just make the decision to be like I'm'm going to do a little bit of work here. And then it comes back like that. That's crazy. That's crazy. They were sending it to the wrong fucking. Remember when Obama came into office and he goes, I am going to invite CNN into the votes on reforming health care. I want it on televised what we're doing. That's what he's running on.

healthcare I want it on televised what we're doing that's what he's running on and then he got into office and every Senator and Congressman when he's like let's get CNN they were like nah dude because we're on the take and we can't be seeing what our votes is we'll say we're here for the little man but they Obama was like what do you mean I can't show you're voting like no because we got to have our takes and they never fully reformed it no they just did little pieces here or there they're still so fucking crooked every time something hurt like oh well maybe we should what's what all like this whole legalization of marijuana yeah the states that are slow on it once they see the money that comes in they're they're not going to put it toward teachers firemen police infrastructure they're

going to line their motherfucking pockets with the surplus i get another job oh my god look at all this money yeah a no-show job that's why my mom told me like how'd the elections go did you see the i'm like i don't even look no she's like you don't know how it went like i don't know who won who was like what do i care they're all fucking they're still counting oh really how you still i don't know how you still counting two weeks one two runoffs there's an election every four months so stupid what else give me one more give me another let me see what else i do different flowers for a while that was the worst tipping job because you didn't have to pay it was already paid for so you show up to someone's house and you make their fucking month. Like, what?

Oh, my God. Thank you. I'm like, come on. I think I made $2 ever. Ever. And it was so much better than a pizza. What were you delivering? Like people's work and homes and shit?

People's homes. I just had a memory that's going to get me in a lot of trouble. Delivering flowers. Delivering flowers to a church. So we did a lot of funerals. And now at the time, I'm trying to masturbate in as many weird places as I can. Why?

I don't know, man. How old are you? 18. Publicly or privately? Privately. But on planes, you're like, you're not flying over Arkansas. I'm like, ooh, Arkansas. And I run to the bathroom and jerk off.

Oh, you would do it in the bathroom. Yeah. You wouldn't just throw a blanket over you. Yeah. One time on the way to Australia, I jerked off in my seat. It was one of those lie-down beds. And I was like, I think I could do it here. I lined up.

Like, who can see me there? Who can see me there? And at first, I was turned away. But I'm like, now I can't see if a stewardess comes by. So I turned around. They gave me these socks. It was a first-class Rogan ticket, UFC ticket. Just fucking jerked off in one of these fucking nice socks they give you.

Nice. Qantas. They really give you socks. Yeah. Qantas semen. Yeah. They give you these little footies to Quantus. They really give you socks. Yeah, Quantus Seaman. Yeah, they give you these little footies to walk around. Oh, it's great. You line up.

Full bed. You know, you're like all screen, screen, screen. Me and Rogan did a podcast. On it? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Way back. Not video, just audio.

Yeah, Larson and I did one on a train back in the day on the craft. Oh, so fun. We did a tour off the west coast from Phoenix, Portland to Seattle. i did one on a train back in the day on the craft fees west coast from uh phoenix or phoenix portland uh seattle we did one on the train you show up too because it's 13 hours from la and you're like oh it was so fucking nice everyone else like regular seats oh but like um what were we talking about delivering flowers the worst tip of the job but so i went to the delivered some funeral stuff to a to a church that was that happened five percent of the time it happened plenty of times um can i use the bathroom sure and now i'm in a church in a secluded you know it's daytime and i'm like oh hell yeah i just right at the urinal i just fucking not even in a stall

no yeah looking back that's that's a fair fair fair i didn't even consider it but i didn't even think of it and i just fucking shot a load right You know where that fly is on the thing? Yeah. And I just fucking blasted one. The young come, too. And it, you know, you can hit something. You can blind somebody with that shit. Boom. Also, when you can come quick, too.

You can come quick. Today would take me a lot longer to do that. Yeah, you're not jaded. Yeah, exactly. I was just like touching it with my dick. Like, we're ready. We're ready, man. I was just like touching it with my dicks like, we're ready. We're ready, man. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Jerked off in a church on a flower delivery. I think I churched on Georgia Avenue. Sorry, Monsignor. Oh, shit. Dude, that's so funny when you say that when you're like why not install like yep didn't even consider that you ever get like now that you're an adult i had this is a part i cut out of my special that now that i'm an adult i'll like go back to my childhood with an adult mind

and realize all the stuff that i didn't realize back then yeah i ended up having to cut it out but how like your parents always knew when you were lying i had no idea i thought i had them fooled right the chicks you could have hooked up with man i tell you i've had women come to me you know in the past just a few years and be like how come you never asked me out i'm like you were interested like yeah the whole time like what i was telling you this tanya we should do that i'm like oh my yeah fuck i'm an idiot i'm an idiot i didn't think anybody want but also when the women in my life the good women in my life have like i'll say something like you did that or you what and i'm like oh my god yeah like they pointed out yeah yeah we used to do that damn well dude i know you got to get out of here you got to go

get on your run here for your special so promote it one more time please all you should fear jew it's on youtube right now it's the best special i've ever done it's the best one i'm gonna and it's a concept special too concept special but mostly i don't want anybody thinking it's just a concept it's just stand-up every one of these bits follows bobby lee at the store follows mark norman at the fucking stand just like they're just fucking funny funny bits you will walk away with it on some other level thing. But they're just hilarious stand-up comedy bits. And I was like, I spent a lot of money on it. I'm giving away for free.

There's a donate button on there. If you want to help me pay for some of this, I'm out a shitload of money. That's up to you. It's a gift to all of you. And if you liked it, go ahead and throw some cash back into the fucking kitty. But either way, I just giving it to you guys to enjoy. Um,

it's kicking ass. Thanks. You're going to hit your, you're going to exceed your goal. Uh, maybe you already have, you already exceeded your million in a month. Oh yeah.

My goal there. Oh yeah. The money I'm about 45% paid. So we'll see. I'm still like, I can't afford it. Thank you for real. Yeah. And, uh, I'll come, I want to come% paid. So we'll see. I'm still like, I can't afford nice pizza. Well, dude, thank you for real.

Yeah, thanks. And I want to come promote mine. Oh, for sure. So yeah, if you're out there. Especially if you're coming to New York. Yeah, if you're here in LA, December 14th, Wednesday at the Dynasty, come see me shoot the special. Second show, tickets available. There are only a few left.

Ziggler's one of the realest comics in the world, you guys. There's no way you're not going to have a good time. This is how my friends, when they used to ask me like when i started comedy they go like hey i see the dc improv like website uh who should i go and you're like oh you'll have a great time with that one you'll have a great time with that i just know sickler's the real deal i can guarantee you without having seen you on stage for the last two years your new stuff is hilarious you don't fucking falter no so go see his see his fucking show. Be there live. Yeah, be there live. Use code Sickler. You'll get half

off your tickets. Follow me on all social media. We'll talk to y'all next week. I'm out.