The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Bert Kreischer - BertDew

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Bert Kreischer! (Netflix, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bertcast) Bert Highlights the Lowlights of his anxiety, parenting, and his fear of death! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: Liquid I.V. -Get 25% off anything you order when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW at checkout Purple -Go to https://www.Purple.com/HONEYDEW and use code honeydew to get 10% off any order of $200 or more

Vancouver. Unfortunately, I have to reschedule. There's a lot that goes on to getting in and out of our countries. And until that's a little easier, I'm going to have to postpone the Vancouver and the Edmonton shows. But Thursday, March 3rd, I will be at Zaney's for one night only. And Friday, March 4th and Saturday, March 5th, I'll be in Lexington. Get all your tickets at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Welcome back to the howdy-do, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pants studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Please, if you're watching the show, please hit that subscribe button.

It really helps us out a lot. It means a lot to the show, and it's a free way to help, all right? Also, the Patreon. Every month, the Patreon grows, and every month we get crazier and crazier stories. Yeah, I told you about the girl that had two pussies. Yeah, I told you about the guy that died that lives, that we talked to, whose ribcage got shoved through his back. Have you heard that? Nah.

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You know what we're doing over here. We highlight the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. Beyond excited, waiting three years for this one, to have one of the best storytellers in the world on the podcast. Finally, ladies and gentlemen, the machine is here. Burt Kreischer, welcome to the Honeydew. It is good to be here. And I should say, I'm in Huntsville, Alabama, Asheville, North Carolina.

That's what I'm talking about. Roanoke, Richmond, Norfolk. I'm hitting the whole East Coast. Do I do shows in Baltimore? Where? I don't know, but I just saw that, and I added a night. Is it the Modell? On April 8th and April 9th, I'm at the Modell.

The Lyric. That's where I was with Tom. It's beautiful. Yeah? That's the theater in Baltimore, if you want to be. I started thinking about doing a Patreon. Can I tell you, like, something happened, and something shifted in me, where I used to fucking put my whole life on Instagram.

I mean, all of it. My kids, my house. You knew every room in my house. You knew everything. You knew my dog's name. You knew the street I lived on. I would... Bert's got new lampshades.

Yeah. It was crazy. Everything you did. Pillows. And then we got doshades. Yeah. It was crazy. Everything he did. Pillows. And then we got docks pretty heavily, like pretty aggressively. Like my phone number, my address, everything got out there. But it's all so easy anyway to get. For $20, you can get everyone's shit.

Yeah. Yeah. And I had to get a new phone number, and we bought a new house. And I am super nervous about putting shit out there like i like for the first time in my life i'll instagram but there's only like two places i'll instagram in my house like i don't feel and so i was thinking about doing a patreon where was my instagram stories or finding a patreon and then putting you on like a different thread on my instagram because i enjoy instagramming enjoy, because it gets me out of my like head sometimes. Like if I wake up with an anxiety attack,

if I put an Instagram story like this morning, this is a perfect example. Watch this. This is last night. Partied a little bit. Did a podcast with Brian Simpson. We put back a bottle of whiskey. Yeah.

Partied a little bit. He was just on. He's fucking. He was great. Dude. So I wake up. I part a little bit he was just on he's fucking he's great dude so i wake up i'm a little bit like i'm a little bit out of it i'm like fuck i'm just uh i don't like i'm like what i what am i gonna do just sit on my phone and i go get up and if i do an instagram story then i'm held accountable so then my instagram story is, right? So I sit, I sit and I said, I'm going to work out. I know that if I put it up there, I go to work out. I go. And then I kind of put my day out there and I go, I'm going to work out. I'm going to sauna. I'm going to pull a plunge. I got

ADR at 11. I got a podcast at three. I kind of put my day out there, and it gets me to do it. But I have been weird about it. So I was thinking about Patreon. It's been great. I just – I also – I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I've always been able to. I can talk to anybody. You know what? I can listen to anybody.

I can't. That's the difference. I can't listen. I can listen to anybody. I can't. That's the difference. I can't listen. I can listen to anybody. I don't know what you just said. I believe it too. I have such a problem listening. When Brian Simpson's over at my house doing a podcast and he's the most like, and then

at six I was put into foster care. All I think is how would that affect Bert Kreischer? Like that, even like like i don't know if and maybe that's empathetic listening where someone tells you something you go but ask that why not say that say oh my god here's that this is how i would feel about that i had amanda knox on my podcast and i told him i told her the machine story i mean i'm fucking horrible i'm horrible but i own it like if you hate me because of it. Like, if you hate me because of it, I go, yeah, you should hate me because of it. I don't fucking.

Hey, that's a great story. Check this one out. Yeah. Really. And so innocent. Okay, now I don't need another rest. Keep going. Keep going.

When I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here's how it happened. But it's so fucking. I can't help it, man. I think it is who I've been my entire fucking life. If you come. If you open up. Like like we have a sponsor. I forget.

Skylight Frames. I bought Skylight Frames for all my friends. All our friends, all our friends. So that I could put pictures of myself in their houses. So that when I go to their house, I get excited to see. I remember that vacation. Remember like when photos were a thing? People would go, hey, you should see my photo album and then you'd be like am i in any of these because i don't give a fuck about seeing right like i'm not that person i was only looking

at photo albums if i was at a girl's house and i knew like it led to you know some action i'm like i'll fucking flip through your disney world shit that's an old school thing too it's like that's gone and you'd be like who's that yeah and then you'd want you'd have a bad i'd write backstories about people in my head go who's that i'm a cousin she lives in uh north carolina and you're like yeah i mean i fucking i was a person that could i was never the guy that people like you know who gotta set you up with burt you would fall in love with burt i was but and i was always the guy that people were like, you know who we got to set you up with? Burt. You would fall in love with Burt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was always the guy, like I always thought like, I remember people, I'm sure there's people, but I was like, I'll never fall in love. I'll never fall in love.

And then I did. All right. Let's do this because here's what I want to know. I know, I said this to you outside, you know, and not to parallel it, but when Brody passed and we all went to his memorial before the comedians got up to speak his childhood friends uh baseball coach guys that that he knew got up and they called him steven you know that was the interesting part right and we called him brody and it dawned on me like oh yeah this guy had a whole life before we ever met this guy and and what i know of you like your history is that is begins for me and i think a lot of people in entertainment is the van wilder yeah so what i

want to know is before all that you know talk to me who are you where are you from originally i know you're florida but you know how many and sisters? Talk to me about your parents because you still have everybody alive. Yeah, everyone's alive. Knock on wood. So where are you born? Born in St. Petersburg, Florida. Are you youngest, oldest, only? Oldest.

Typical oldest, too. Of how many? Two, three. I have two sisters. Okay. One's like three years younger than me, two years younger than me, and the one's 10 years younger than me. Okay.

She was an accident. Same parents? Same parents, yeah. She was a fucking mistake. My parents were building a house, and they definitely didn't plan her because there was no room for her. No one built a room for her. Yeah, they didn't build another bedroom. It was a three-bedroom house, and then she showed up, and they're like, I guess you're going to just sleep with them.

But I slept with my parents until I was like 10 what maybe older in the same bed in the same bed yeah i slept with my parents until i was like i mean i could i could every night i could tell you i could tell you older it would sound creepy but like i i would say i would definitely say 10 because i know that we moved to that house at 10 that's that's my stepson over there he's fucking six five still sleeping in his mom's bed i mean i i have i have real anxiety separation issues you slept in your parents bed till you were at least 10 or 11 and they didn't be like 100 10 because i remember doing it when we moved into our new house they didn't say get the fuck out of here or they kind of like coaxing or they were just loving like get in here i don't think my parents.

They never were like, Bert, you should probably go sleep in your own room. My parents didn't have, weren't like that. That type of parent didn't exist. I mean, it did, but like most parents back then didn't have like curfews or like times you went to bed. We didn't have nap times. We didn't have bedtimes. We stayed up. I stayed up.

I would stay up until like midnight, one one o'clock and then just go get in bed with my mom and dad and my sister would be in there my youngest sister would be in a crib in there i mean we all and then as when we got our new house we had so we lived in like a redneck redneck neighborhood i mean i'm sorry born in saint petersburg okay moved to philly for like the first four five three years of my life or whatever. You had a little Philadelphia for three years? Yeah. My sister was born in Philly.

Oh, okay. In Bryn Mawr. And then my dad got a job. My dad got a job and got accepted to law school in Florida or something like that. Like he moved back to Florida. I'm not good with details that don't involve me. I wasn't making any decisions back then i was like whatever uh first great like first first legit memories i have we live in this

place called river bend and temple terrace uh met some friends patrick fagan who's i've known my whole life uh this is back in florida this is florida we moved back florida um i remember distinctly being affected very young by tornadoes and hurricanes like being like natural disasters were in florida they were always around the corner like bad storms uh were you scared because you had heard about them and you did the hallway? Like we had to do the training in the hallway or had you been through one? We had been through one. I guess maybe I went to a place called Bowman Center in Carolwood and a tornado rolled through on Dale Mabry, flipped a truck over and we were just off Dale Mabry.

And they came in. And they came in, you know, I still to this day have like real issues with when actual panic happens in real life. Meaning you're at a pool and someone goes, where's my daughter? Where's my daughter? Like that energy, that energy cuts to the core of me. And I remember feeling, I remember being like, that shit just shows up at Bowman Center this lady just comes in and goes

there's a tornado and everyone on the desks they flipped a truck over on Delmabry and everyone's like motherfucker like I was I was finger

what is this desk gonna do bitch yeah I'm finger painting bitch I gotta clean my hands like what the fuck yeah yeah oh and then and then go to like what the fuck yeah yeah

and then go to oblivious to the fact I go to first grade and it's like a private school we have to wear uniforms and I'm so fucking excited until I get there and my dad's like he's like I get there and I was like

where are you gonna sit and he's like this is my seat where's your And he's like, this is my seat. Where's your seat? He's like, I'm not here with you. And I go. He's like, you're not sleeping. Yeah. And I was like, well, I don't want to be here without you.

And he was like, buddy, it's called school. This is what you do. My dad's a real. So you didn't have a kindergarten or preschool or anything like that? I did, but my mom was a teacher or something. She was always in the other room. It was just very like. You always had a security was just very like you always had a security blanket yeah i always had a security the first grade my world was fucking rocked i mean rocked fucking flipped upside down this was

my 9-11 i mean this was they they my dad says to me my dad says to me he goes uh buddy you just gotta make friends and i was like i was like yeah i don't i don't have any i don't want to make friends i got friends you're my friend stay with me and he goes my dad says to me here's the deal i'm gonna be in the parking lot in the van outside i'll stay there all day okay if you need me just come get me i was like okay i can do that i can do that and he's do that. And he was like, all right, cool. And he just left. My dad just fucking left. So I'm middle of first grade, like first 15 minutes.

I just get up and I'm like, I'm going to just check the window. And I just walk over to the window, take a look out. Mrs. Thompson was like, where are you going? And I was like, I'm just checking on my dad. I was like, you know what? I'm going to go run down and check on him. I can't see the van. Check on him.

Yeah. I can't see the van. I can't see the van. So I'm going to go down to the parking lot. She's like, you're not going to the parking lot. And I was like, no, no, no. My dad's down there. I'll see you there. She's like, your dad's not here. And can't see the van. Check on him. I can't see the van. I can't see the van, so I'm going to go down to the parking lot. She's like, you're not going to the parking lot. And I was like, no, no, no.

My dad's down there. I'll see you there. She's like, your dad's not here. And I was like, no, he's there. And then she took me out to the railing. No.

And there was no van. And I was like, gosh. I mean, and I walked back in and I went table to table to everyone desk to desk going, our parents left us. Our going, our parents left us.

Our parents. Our parents left us. What if we never see them again? And now everyone's like, we're not seeing our parents again? We may never see them again. They said they're going to be back. What if they don't come back? What if we're here forever?

Ms. Thompson's like, motherfucker. So she grabs me. She puts me in a desk at the front of the school, facing the class. Oh, no, not that scene. And holds my hand and teaches class, holding my hand as I sob, cry, staring for the entire fucking day. There it is. Brian Callahan tried to rescue me. Samantha, dude.

They're like, hey, man, calm down. And I was like, ah! And it was like that. It was like that for like my first fucking week week of first grade it was panic and and my and i mean i was and then and then all of a sudden i got out of it and uh and then all of a sudden it's like my real the guy that i am inside right like real burke reicher the one that the one that was the funniest guy in college, the one that was the funniest guy in high school, the one that got into standup and

didn't understand how it worked, but knew he was funny. That guy came out like first grade. I get dressed like, I'm like, I hear talent show and I'm like, oh fuck. Yes. And I decide I'm going to be Kiss. I'm going to be Gene Simmons. Oh, yeah. And I'm going to fucking – because one of my favorite things to do was air guitar.

Air guitar, sing and dance, run around and flip around in my underwear. And so I dress for school, for the talent show, for school in my mom's leotards. Two chain belts she had. Do my own makeup. It was like fucking seven in the morning do my own with a cape and and a pair of her boots and i get in the car with my dad and he was like what the fuck are you wearing i was like talent show today and he was like it was it's like in the middle of the day so i want to make sure i was like set for it but this is like who i really am in in like I think the reason like my friends, people like me is I am really this person. This is the guy who drinks a gallon of Kool-Aid and doesn't realize you're not supposed to drink a gallon of Kool-Aid.

Or like showers and pools. And like this is really who I am. And so – and like where like people laugh at it and then you're kind of lost why they're laughing. Like if you look at that gallon clip, a gallon Kool-A clip a gallon clip when tom starts laughing you can see that i don't know why i'm laughing at first i'm like and then i'm like oh fuck this is kind of weird like oh god damn it you can see it in my eyes tom's laughing hard as shit and i'm laughing with him because i'm like confused oh so we get to the talent show and uh his name is daniel kaufman was a kid who's a little older than me he had a violin and we're backstage brian callahan was my manager we're

first grade he was with me and you just solo gene like you don't have another you don't have peter paul or he's with you bro i didn't have a guitar i i just was like, I was like, I remember this kid, Daniel Kaufman. I want to say that's his real name. Daniel Kaufman was going to play the violin. He was like a fucking fourth grader or something. And I was like. The fucking savannah. He's got a violin.

And he goes, what are you? And I said, I'm Kiss. And he goes, oh, okay. He's like, what instrument do you play? And I was like, I don't have one. He's like, what are you going to play? And I was like, I'm thinking, I didn't think this through at all. I hadn't planned a routine.

I just was like, I'll get up there. You didn't have music or anything? I'll get up there. No, I had the record. I had the record. What song? What song are you going to do? I want to rock and roll all night.

And you're going to play nothing. And party every day. I mean, you keep on riding, you keep on riding. And I'm looking at a fucking K through five going like, because I can't hear you. And they're just like, we're not familiar with the lyrics. I was obsessed with kids. We don't want to we're not familiar with the lyrics i was obsessed with yeah and i'm just and i just went out there and rocked out sweated my makeup down brian

callahan gave me a hug like you fucking killed it and i and but i was like i was definitely the guy that was like that went amazing and everyone else was like he's a fucking idiot. Like that was – by the way, that thread traveled through – like that went fantastic. Yeah. And everyone's like, I'm not certain that you saw the same fight we were doing. But yeah, that was like first grade. And then I don't know. I think I was pretty regular. Were you a good student grades-wise or no?

I'm dyslexic so i've always had a but not like textbook dyslexic but dyslexic i don't know how it works but i've always had a hard time reading i've always had a hard time reading out loud a really hard time reading out loud talk to me about the that or when you go around the room and and you have to read out loud like where you mean hold on hold on you mean motherfuckers like david germain who could kill it you're like dude what the fuck were you raised on a pirate ship and you had to read them to sleep every night how the fuck can you do this so well there were guys there were guys with lisps that were better at it than me yeah and then they go they go uh burt and i go uh-huh and fucking panic i mean just panic get warm and i'll start sweating

um okay okay and like i'd fuck up words like through or thorough or just i mean to this day there's the other day they were like we got to get rid of all the tyranny that's not the word i read we got to get rid of all the trannies and i'm like what the fuck they put that on cnn how fucking dang how is that even allowed? The other day I walked into the kitchen and I said to Leanne, holy shit, did you know Mississippi is trying to outlaw adoption? She was like, what? I go, yeah, Mississippi's outlawing adoption. She goes, abortion, fuckface.

And I went, oh. So they want orphans. Okay, okay, they want them. All right. But yeah, I was dyslexic. And so your brain learns how to work differently. You learn cheats and shortcuts. Wait, I've learned from this show that that's actually hereditary.

So who passed it to you then? Do you ever have mom or dad? I'm sure my dad. I'm sure my dad. I'm sure my dad. My dad is one of those people that he likes. I mean this the right way. He likes, I don't know the right way to say this because it's not an underdog and it's not the loser, but my dad believes he's nothing. He'll always fail.

So it makes him work harder. And I think I inherited that somehow because like, I don't think I know for a fact, I'm not the most talented comic. I've seen people perform. So when I get ready to do a special, that's why I'm like blown away by very talented people who go, yeah, I ran it. I went on the road last week. I've been running a little bit, you know, but yeah, I'm ready for it. And you go, you're ready for a special. And you did like three weekends.

Like I have been on the road every single fucking week of this year except for one that since they opened it up and i and i have next week off that's a week off and i have another week off but i'm on the road and i as shows i'll do whatever i can because i need to run the material to get it good because i'm not as good as chapelle i'm just not man i watched his special working out today i'm just never gonna be him. That never will happen. But if I work hard enough, maybe people will be like, oh, that's – I also like Bert also.

You know what I mean? He's got to be the best you for yours. Yeah. That's it. That's all you have to be. I have to work harder than everyone else, and I need to do it a certain way. But, yeah, that panic of school, oh. I i mean i couldn't do it i couldn't they'd read out loud i couldn't but you say no i would no i would read out loud and i would and then just get

mocked but i was really good at memorizing shit and i was a really good actor at a young age like in fifth grade they took us on this like as a touring company to do Shakespeare. And I could memorize lines instantaneously. And like, I mean, I'd have to have someone read them to me, which is really fucking fascinating. So when we did the machine, I, now I can't even see, right. Cause I'm like, I am so old. I can't see. And our director was making our scripts and like little tiny things.

So we get to set and I, I couldn't see the script. And by the way, I'm also dyslexic. So I'm saying the wrong words anyway. And so I had to have this Serbian lady, Anya, we would do rehearsal, me, Mark, my co-lead, we would do rehearsal and this lady Anya would stand in for me and she would read my lines in a scene and I would hear her read them. And then the next time we would do a rehearsal, I'd say them next to her and she'd go, you're missing one or something. And then after that, I was off book. I was off book and I could remember, I knew them all.

And I knew long monologues. I knew, like I knew it all. And Mark Hamill actually said to me, you have an insane, he said to me one time, because I also wanted to change scripts. Because I was like, because I never was really married to the script. So I was like, I was like, let's change this thing. Let's do this. And Mark pulled me aside one time. He goes, you have to understand you have an insane ability to memorize that not everyone has. A lot of people

have to work all night long to memorize their lines. You are drinking wine all night in Serbia, going out, running in the morning, not looking. looking but I also wrote helped write the script or you know create script I've been reading it for eight months would you like have her read it and then listen to a recording her while you're running or anything no no no no she just read it right there she go I am the machine

oh I want her father I love you I want it was so fucking hilarious she would go her name was Anya. And she would go. She'll go. I'm trying to think of one of my lines. Daughter, don't go.

You're acting like a cunt. But it was. She had the cutest accent. She was fucking hilarious. But that's how it worked. And that. And that. And that.

All through high school. I mean, I never. Never was a good student. Never could figure out. Never was like. I don't know. I remember people applying to colleges. I mean, I never was a good student, never could figure out, never was like – I don't know. I remember people applying to colleges. I took the SAT. I took the SAT and I fucking aced it.

And I was like, what? What'd you get? Fucking like 1350 or something. Dude, you blew me away. I remember the first time I took it, I got a 950. And then I took a class to learn it and they taught you some tricks. Next time I take it, I fucking aced it. Applied to Florida and Florida state got accepted for state.

I was like, I'm done. I'm done with school. I'll go to Florida state. And even all through Florida state, I don't even know. I never studied for a test. I just, I never studied for a test. I never studied for anything. My entire life.

I've never studied for anything. Cause I just, I didn't know. People would go like, take notes. And I'd be like, I don't know. I don't know what that means. Do you remember like you get a notebook and sit in class and they go, Mrrysler you're taking notes i was like uh-huh and then i write mr chrysler you're taking notes and i was like is that part of the notes and then they'll be like and then i'd start like uh like class and then put a one and then an a under that and be like

what's supposed to go there like i didn't know what to write down i know the important things they were saying you ain't giving us dittos yeah yeah. I was always worth my ditto. Yeah. But what's interesting is I was the fucking – I was a cool kid up until eighth grade. Like cool kid. In eighth grade, sixth, seventh grade only hung out with older kids. Seventh grade hung out with ninth graders. Eighth grade hung out with ninth and tenth graders. What shifted? Were you good at sports?

Were you making everybody laugh? I was really good at sports. I was really good at sports. No, I didn't make anyone laugh. I was super serious almost. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was like a John, what's the, not John Winters, not John, what's the fucking guy

who did all the movies in the 80s, Pretty in Pink and shit? Waters? John, no, not John Waters either. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shame on all of us, of course. Yeah. He did, I think he did Home Alone. I think he did everything. 16 Candles, all of us. Of course. Yeah. I think he did Home Alone. I think he did everything. Sixteen Candles, all of them.

I have a very, very, very deep romantic side of me that longed to have a girlfriend, longed to be in love, and longed for all of that, which I was ashamed of. And so I identified with those Ducky characters and and Anthony Michael Hall characters identify with that but I was a cool kid I was great at sports and this small school was shifted um was I went to an all boys Catholic high school and man that was like that was like uh it was like day one get your dick knocked in the dirt like really I was like I mean that was my Oz like that was my like that was like that was when I was like I'm in the dirt. Really? I mean, that was my Oz. That was my like – Your Oz. That was when I was like, I'm in the big house now. I mean, you had bullies.

I don't understand. I mean, I know people have bullies that say mean things to them. Bullies would attack you or touch you or fucking assault you. It was like – I'm not making it worse than like it needs i'm making it worse than it needs to be like i'm telling you but like fucking some fucking senior would just come up and just fucking clothesline you and you'd be on the ground unconsciously what happened or like or like i remember one time i walked in someone yelled food fight i got hit with an apple and i was like fuck me that hurt or Or I remember one dude got in my face.

Like he walked by and he bumped into one of my friends and I started laughing. And then he comes back and goes, what the fuck are you laughing at? He was like five, six. But he's a senior and he was hairy and he was like greasy. He was like, what the fuck are you laughing at? And I was like, I'm like an idiot. I said, you? Because I was laughing at him.

Yeah. He flipped my food in my lap and he was like, get up, motherfucker. Get up. And I was like, the fuck did I do? What did I say? What did I say? So it was like all of a sudden you're a child where you were cool at one school and good at sports, and now I sucked at sports.

Because Cuban kids, they were fucking playing sports. They were like fucking good. You were like, how did everyone get so good at sports all of a sudden? Like, did you guys not have parents? Like, why the fuck are you so good? Didn't make the basketball team. Didn't make the baseball team. Had to join the track team and the swimming team because I was like, I want to play sports, and I'm good.

But I'm just not – I'm like – I wasn't like shaving yet. Like, everyone was shaving, and I was just like, what the fuck? shaving yet like everyone was shaving and i was just like what the fuck but i had a good really close group of friends like like a big group of friends i won't say their names i'm sure they don't want to be associated with me as like is that born out of like youth sports or is that like middle school guys high school how how far back do these dudes go so here's the interesting intersection i played baseball pretty competitively my whole life. And we played a place called Forest Hills. Now everyone in the South, I mean, I'm speaking across the board. I don't mean to like, it's, I know that when you say something, people can take

it and have it mean something else, but I'm just saying there was like rich kids, baseball and poor kids, baseball. This isurt Kreischer's insight, okay? Poor kids baseball was pony baseball, okay? Pony baseball was like you could steal bases, kids could pitch. That's the league I played. Dads drank. Our coaches smoked. They smoked.

Lean it over. You're like, come on. This is how you bunt. God damn, that thing's burning my eye. I remember playing third base for the Yankees. God damn, that thing's burning my eye. I remember playing third base for the Yankees. So if I was six when I played Pinto, I was maybe eight years old, maybe eight or eight years old.

And I remember a coach, I remember two coaches betting a steak dinner that they could hit baseballs past me. And they're like, he's in the hot box. Kreischer, get up on the grass. I bet you a steak dinner I can hit a ball past Kreischer. And the guy was like, steak dinner you can't. Kreischer's got a great glove. And I, get up on the grass. I bet you a steak dinner. I hit a ball past Kreischer. And the guy was like, steak dinner? You can't. Kreischer's got a great glove. And I was like, how am I in this, Pat?

And then these dudes, these grown men, drunk, just taking cracks, just cracks. And I'm like, I caught it on accident. I wish I hadn't. I want this bet to be over. But that was pony baseball. So that was pony baseball. Now, in pony baseball, you played – I could be off on this, but you mostly played like the Dwight Gooden schools,

like over at Hillsboro, that area. I forget the name of that, Belmont Heights. I think that's the name of them. You played Town and Country, which was more Cuban. You played like – and then Forest Hills was very redneck, like very redneck. And a bunch of other places, but that was who you played like you and then forest hills was very redneck like very redneck and and a bunch of other places but that was who you played and then the other school the other people they played in the world series championship like the kids that go to play in the world series and and my

group of friends that i played with grow all growing up all played in kind of country and then when we went to public when we went to Jesuit, all those dudes I've been playing against in all-star tournaments my whole life all went to Jesuit. Okay. And so I knew them. I knew like Brad Radke, Ty Rodriguez, Fernando.

Like I knew all these dudes because we'd all been playing baseball together. And then all the kids that had gone, because you watched our same age group who played the different baseball, the rich white kids baseball. They had gone and won the World Series for youth baseball. And so we watched them. So I knew all those guys too. So when we all went there, all of a sudden sports was like our thing.

Everyone knew sports. And I had a of just of dudes. I dudes, I know to this day that I talked to during this day that hit me up when the pandemic started. Yo, I own a restaurant. It's called the rooster in the till hit me.

Can you help me out? Help my business out. I'm doing takeout dudes. I know. I mean, like my best friends for the rest of my life are all those guys. Ninth grade tight as fuck. They,

half of them go on to public school, and half of us stay there, and we just merged. Our group became bigger, and we took over all these dudes that went to public school. We became best friends with their new friends. And so all of a sudden, you're looking at a group of dudes who to this day know each other very intimately like i mean that's great um and uh you don't hear that a lot no i gotta say i like because well because it's also tampa's a weird

fucking place like you know i don't know it's not i don't think people understand how fucked up florida is is that like the shit we do i don't You know, it was just a weird fucking place. And so we all stayed and then, and then, and then it doesn't hurt that, you know, the majority of Florida kids go to Florida state, Florida.

So Florida state, Florida is where we went. And then we just all keep hanging out. I mean, one of the, one of my best friends that I grew up with produces my specials. Oh, is that right?

Yeah. Produces all my specials. That's great. Yeah. And so, uh, but I think, i think in high school i learned i learned that freshman year when i didn't have sports that i had to have some sort

of currency to like get people to like me and that's when i i found humor because and and by the way definitely where i learned how to tell a story because I remember practicing stories from Mr. Mercadante's class to the lunchroom, like running it and going like. You'd be telling these kids in the lunchroom. Yeah, and I'd be running it on the walk and being like, okay. I came and was like, we're going to do this beer run. I'm like, I don't want to fucking do a beer run. And he's like, don't worry, it'll be fine. So he runs in all of a sudden.

We're all sitting there. And then all of a sudden he comes out. We're like, oh, it's fine. He's like, dog. And so you So he runs in all of a sudden. We're all sitting there. And then all of a sudden, he comes out. We're like, oh, it's fine. He's like, dog! You know? And so you'd practice your story in a weird way. And then you sit at the lunch table. And you had to earn your spot at the lunch table.

And I mean, look, I like talking in absolutes. And I know this is not, you can't do that. But Cuban kids tell the best fucking stories. Like, just because they're fucking i remember dudes like their hands gestures like oh fuck this fucking guy dude imagine him being in your high school it's like it's like growing up with a bunch of joey diaz's a bunch of joey diaz's and every and so you i don't know you kind of learn i don't know you learn how that that works and i was funny in high school but I was also pretty like still the serious side of

like trying to get pussy, trying to play sports. All right. How old were you when you lost your virginity? It's an interesting story. I'm talking about that in my special right now. Are you? Yeah. Do you mind?

No, no mind at all. 17 years old. 17 years old. And man, I was in a rush to lose this fucking thing. Why? Were you like the last of your group? No. 15 years old.

We sit at the lunch table and they tell us the story of the of of a dude who had already and and we knew him and i was like oh my god that's gotta be amazing yeah and then and then my friends started falling off like they'd be like i lost my virginity last night shut the up where's freshman year i dated a chick and I pressured her like I mean like like on the phone We should do it. We should fucking do it She was like I'm not ready and I was like and then we broke up And then I did another chick and it almost happened with her and it didn't And then I did other chicks and it just and then I didn't have like a girlfriend

I didn't like I was someone who was like gonna wanted to be dating the chick. I thought that was cool. And then I dated a chick. How old was she? She was 17, but she was like two weeks older than me. Okay. She was a year older than your school. Was she at your same school? No, no, girl's school, year older. I always thought it was always so hot if I dated a girl that wasn't at my high school.

I always felt like a baller. I'm like, I'm dating a girl from south carol motherfucker we will never we will never get back that feeling now that feeling of of of the girls school shows up at when you're at practice and you see the talent walk out and you're just like who the fuck is that and just going like what the fuck and everyone being interested in the same fucking person and then watching who lands it like it was it was insane but yeah i i i mean i've told the story before but i will definitely tell you i was not good my first time no one is anybody says they are is bullshit i bet i'm worse than that person i bet so me and my buddy jeff hartley uh get our girlfriends at the time we go to one girl's dad had like a crash pad right clearly guys getting pussy on the side he like a crash pad, right? Clearly, guy's getting pussy on the side.

He had a crash pad in Carolwood. So we go to her dad's house. He's out of town. He's in Mexico or whatever. We go to her dad's house. We get Pet Sematary and a case of Natty Light and two condoms. Immediately, my chick's like, hey. And we were dating.

We were dating. And she was the fucking coolest chick. She introduced me to the B-52s. Like, there's so much about this chick that's awesome about this chick. And I hate that I'm sharing this because if she ever hears this, she's going to be like, ugh. I feel so sad for him. So we go in. We go in.

I get her in the bed. We make out or whatever. And then immediately I realize it's going to happen. I'm taking her clothes off. And I'm like, all right, this is going to happen. I drop my feet. By the way, I have a baseball jacket. They were like a pullover jacket with a collar with a zipper right here with your name embroidered here.

I have a baseball jacket on a hat. I have shoes on. I have my jeans on. I put my jeans down on my ankles and I'm ready to go. That's how naked I'm willing to get. I take a condom out. I take it out. I unroll it. Let me ask you this. Prior to this, had you ever put a condom on your neck? Never. Exactly. Never. Why would you ever put a condom on? Exactly. I never practiced. I think it was Santino I had talked about this because all this awkwardness that goes into this moment you don't even think like

oh fuck how's this go it gets all sticky on your fingers it fucking stinks you're like well I don't even know oh it smells like shit I have tactile issues I've always had a problem with balloons so the second I smell it

the second I smell it I'm like like I'm fucking it's a nightmare so I smell it, the second I smell it, I'm like, ugh. Like I'm fucking, it's a nightmare. So I take it, I look at it. I've never heard anybody say I've always had a problem with balloons. Ever since I was a kid, I've always had a problem with balloons. The smell of them, the feel of them, the fucking fact that they're unpredictable, they can pop at any moment. They're unpredictable. I fucking hate balloons.

I fucking hate balloons. I've hated balloons my whole fucking life. My whole fucking life I hated balloons. And now I'm fucking 17 years old and I gotta put a balloon on my dick to do the thing. I remember the smell of it bothered me so much. It stinks so bad. So much.

I remember thinking, what kind of fucking animal wears a condom? I'd rather get AIDS than wear a fucking condom. And AIDS was like, I was like, in my head I was like, she probably has AIDS, because I thought everyone had AIDS back then. Tom and I talk about this, like our fathers, they never wore condoms. They could get a fucking shot

of penicillin or stick it out or walk it off. They never got condoms. My fear, my fear at that time was AIDS, right? Magic Johnson's got AIDS. We can all get AIDS. I'm going to get AIDS, right? That's all I thought about was AIDS. All I thought about was AIDS.

So I take the condom. I see it. It's rolled up. And then I'm like, oh, my mom rolls my socks up. Okay. So I unroll the condom. Unroll it all the way. And I'm like, that's four inches of dick I don't need.

So I roll it back up four inches, and I'm like, there we go. That's more suitable for me. So wait, you unrolled it and thinking I got to put my dick in it then. Like a sock. Sure. You're going to slide your dick in the unrolled thing. Yeah, you unroll it, and then you slide your dick in the sock. You're not going to put it at the tip of the hard one and then roll it down.

I remember them explaining condoms. Sometimes you'd hear someone explain condoms. Not a Jesuit. A Jesuit, they showed you in freshman year a third trimester abortion in religion class. Abortion? On a TV. They showed you a third trimester abortion. Who's filming that?

So that you wouldn't have sex. And if you did have sex and you had a baby, you would not kill it. I'm talking third trimesters where they break it apart and pull it out piece by piece. Oh, no. You saw that? Do you want to talk about a pivot? You put a fucking film up of a chick getting in stirrups naked and everyone's like, whoa, we're seeing pussy. And then all of a sudden you're like, that's an arm.

Fuck, that's an arm. Oh, shit, that's a leg. Oh, that's an arm. Oh, shit, that's a leg. Oh, that's a human. They're pulling out a human? It was fucking rough, dude. This school would be shut down today. Third trimester abortion. And I know there's people that go,

Bert Blow's story is out of proportion. This is not. I'll fucking call someone right now. Third trimester abortion in religion class. Oh, my God. Yeah and so so that's what i was just like i don't want to get someone pregnant or i don't want to get aids i don't get someone pregnant but i don't think i had realized the anyway we get back to the condom i slide i go to slide it over and as i push down it fills up with air and i'm like huh because

there's air trapped in there and i'm like i'm gonna push harder I'm gonna push harder and you see like either Like a Or I'm trying to squeeze the air out And it's just ballooning up like I'm making balloon animals On the fucking corner of a bed I'm fucking shaking it's cold Okay it's like December November I'm trying to get this condom on

And I'm just like Motherfucker like I'm not even good At this like I'm bad at, motherfucker. Like I'm not even good at this. Like I'm bad at this. I should have stopped right there and said, tonight's not tonight. I should have known. And I do that. Since then I've had in my life, I realized if you start to tell a story and someone cuts you off in the middle of the story and you're at a dinner party, a story wasn't meant to be told. You got to find the momentum of life. And if it stops you at a certain point, you got to take those as signs. I throw the condom away.

I get up. I put my pants on. I go, I'll be right back. I left something in the other room. Go over to Hartley. I was like, hey, I need your condom. He was like, you're already done? And I was like, no, I haven't even started.

He was like, what happened to yours? I was like, it's broken. Just give me yours. Gives me the condom. I go back in. Now, I remember hearing pinch the reservoir tip i remember hearing things like that and just blowing past it like if someone told you how to change a tire and then and you just were like no no i i know i'll figure it out i'll figure it out and then you go to change tire you're like yeah what is the what is the jack like oh that's the jack so i pinched the reservoir tip i slide it over my dick and i

remember putting it on i was like that felt pretty good you know i get go ahead did you have it on the right way first on the right way okay because you know you put it on the wrong way before you start rolling you're like you're going under like got to unroll it and then flip it around. I go. I get on top of her. Maybe do a couple kisses or whatever before. Had she lost her virginity already? Are you both virgins? No, she's not a virgin.

Okay. She's not a virgin. So you got a veteran. And so, and I apologize if she's listening to this going like, wait, how do you know? I was like, eh. We're going around. Part of the draw I needed to get rid of it

yeah you ever see the movie there will be blood I was tired of drilling drilling holes and nothing showed up I was like give me a fucking plot that you know has oil on it

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I get on top of her, arms trembling. I remember the second I went in, I went, that felt phenomenal. Mind you, that's with a condom. With a condom, I remember going, on the pullout, it's over. Done? Done. I look at her, because I was like,

we both had an orgasm. We both had orgasms. I guess that's how that works. And she looks confused. And I'm like, huh? She goes, are you going to put it in? I look down my dick between her butt cheek and the bed. I didn't even put it in her. Nuh-uh. I didn't even fuck a person. That's what made you. I didn't even fuck a person. You didn't even put it in? I looked down my dick screen or butt cheek in the bed. I didn't even put it in her.

I didn't even fuck a person. I didn't even fuck a person. I didn't even need her there. You're still a virgin. I don't even need her there. I had an orgasm and you could have bared back that the whole time. I could have grabbed a pillow in my hand

and been fucking just as What do you say to that? How do you cover that up? You don't cover that up. No, you do. How do you do that? I mean, I feel... I'll tell you.

You just push on. You push forward. And you have sex with a condom that's been compromised. And then... Well, you're young enough. Yeah, you're a dick. I think I had another orgasm. I was like, fucking whatever.

By the way, once I got to the fucking real deal, once I sat in the Cadillac, I was like, oh, okay, this is totally different than a Pontiac. This is different than a Bunchy in a bed. This is even better. I think the next one was like that too. But then it's a mess down there because it's been sloshing and i'm like i got her fucking pregnant i know i got her pregnant i remember very vividly

there's so much that i'm leaving out of this as an adult because i don't want to have to relive these moments on the internet for the rest of my life. But suffice to say, this is for the young boy that's listening to this, that had a nightmare of an experience. That's like, I'm fucking, I fucked it up. I'm not going to sex. I'm never going to, I'm like, it gets better. It gets a lot better. I remember going into that bathroom. It was a guest bathroom. It wasn't a Jack and Jill bathroom. It was a guest bathroom. It wasn't attached to the bedroom. Looking in the mirror and going, what the fuck did you just do like going like like i thought you were someone like looking at yourself when i thought you were someone else i thought you i thought you would have killed that and look at you just fucking look at you but but i lost my virginity and i was like that's all that i can't matter yeah

and so i lost my virginity i fucking got in the, that's all that I can't matter about. Yeah. Oh, second time. Second time. And so I lost my virginity. I fucking got in the car, turned it on. I dropped her off, gave her a kiss. Was like, I'm cool as fuck, cool as fuck, cool as fuck. Got in the car, turned on the music. The song Colors came on. Colors. Colors.

I am a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare.

I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. Pulled onto the 275, listened to Colors, pumping my hand through a fucking sunroof, going, I fucking did it! Laid in bed that night. The sunroof going i fucking did it laid in bed that night the sunroof of what what are you driving home my mom's car bmw is one of the fucking cool nice ride it's an old school where they it's sloped down in the front of the back old school is a fucking diesel too so we just get home lay in bed that night and my brain starts. Now, I always had problems with anxiety, but my brain starts and it just gets away from me.

And I mean, the way an anxiety attack works for anyone, within a matter, I'll give it 30 minutes. Within a matter of 30 minutes, I am a fucking mess. I'm like, I guarantee you I got her pregnant. I probably have AIDS. I'm like. So you're worried about age. You're not worried about kids. Are you worried about everything? Yeah, I'm worried, I guarantee you I got her pregnant. I probably have AIDS. I'm like – So you're worried about age. You're not worried about kids. Are you worried about everything?

Yeah, I'm worried about kids. But I realize that I have invited this into my life, that I know one thing for certain. I was not ready to have sex because I am not ready for the responsibilities of full-blown AIDS and a family, and a family, and a family, and a family. But it's like so acutely on paper for me. Like you do, you have a fucking baseball game against town and country, or against Tampa Catholic next week. What the fuck are you going to do when you get her pregnant?

How are you going to tell your parents? Are they going to let you play? You got accepted, I was a junior, but like you want to go to Florida State. You're not going to go to college. You're not going to do when you get her pregnant? How are you going to tell your parents? Are they going to let you play? You got accepted. I was a junior. But like you want to go to Florida State. You're not going to go to college. You're not going to have a life. You're not going to have – all these things start fucking becoming like – like if you think that – what is it?

Rose glasses, rose-colored glasses, everything looks better on with rose-colored glasses. If I was looking out at losing my virginity with rose-colored glasses, the second I fucked her, the rose-colored glasses went away. And it was like, you have no life. You're growing up. You're going to get a job. Where's that anxiety come from? You said you always have.

Where's that anxiety come from? I got to be honest with you, and this is going to sound fucking horrible, but I think growing up in Florida. But is there a time period you remember that something happened where you were like, and then it's that laundry list of all the future tripping is what it's called. No, I don't think so. I mean, I think, I don't know. I wish I had, I wish I could do the deep dive. So, because I know that's part of the recovery of anxiety is finding the thing that gave you the –

Are your parents like that? My dad is. My dad. You learn from watching too. You see in your dad. He's meticulous in that way and worries about everything. Worries about everything. But also doesn't in a weird way.

But he definitely – my dad is a catastrophe thinker. He sees three steps ahead of the problem before the problem started or that you've even started. I remember one time we went to Costco, Cost Plus, me and my wife, and we bought an ottoman to put blankets in. And we had just had Isla and Georgia were walking and they were talking a little bit. And we brought it home and my dad goes, what the fuck did you buy that for?

And I said, for blankets. And he goes, no, your fucking moron kids are going to put each other in there and they're going to suffocate each other and they're going to die. And I went, it's for blankets. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me. Your fucking moron kids are going to do an escape act, put them in there. They won't be able to get them out. They're going to suffocate and die when you're not looking. And I went, dad. And as he

said that Georgia is standing on the Ottoman, she goes, guess where baby Isla is. And I'm like, and she's in the fucking Ottoman. No, this is in Isla is? And I'm like, uh-huh. And she's in the fucking ottoman. No, this is in our house. We'd already bought it. You already did that. I was like, fill it with blankets now. Fill it with blankets. Tape it up.

Tape. So yeah, my dad's a catastrophe thinker. But I don't remember him having anxiety as a kid. But that spiraling that happened, that was like the first. I remember she came to take me to um outback steakhouse if she ever listens to this she's gonna go she this is gonna be like like uh when a serial killer writes a book and he's like and he goes and he goes uh i was gonna kill my next door neighbor but she gave me an apple one day and they're gonna be like i don't even i remember giving him an apple,

but I didn't know I was going to die that day. She, we went to go to Outback Steakhouse. Um, and I, it was the first time I ever had a Bloomin' Onion. And it was the first time I was ever acutely aware of someone's perfume. Cause she wore the same perfume that she had worn.

Yeah. It was Colors by Benetton. Colors is Colors. How about that? Well, yeah, yeah, right. No, I Benetton. Colors is Colors. How about that? Colors. Yeah, yeah, right. No, I know. Fitting.

It comes back. She showed up in Colors, and she went and gave me a hug, and I smelled the perfume, and it reminded me of the night I lost my virginity, and I went to the bathroom, and I threw up. You threw up? I threw up in the bathroom, and I've never been a guy that throws up.

I've never been a guy that throws up. Like, I don't throw up very easily. You went right to the restroom and threw up.'ve never been a guy that throws up um like i don't throw up very easily and i went right to the restroom why it triggered you that way triggered me and my panic started back the smell of the condom it was the smell of this the smell of the colors if i smell it i get physically fucking ill because i remember that night of a failure of losing my virginity that fucking catastrophe of losing my virginity and all the anxiety that followed i mean ryan i my anxiety was so bad about it that like i i remember telling my mom i need you to know i lost my virginity like i lost i lost my virginity and i and i and i'm really nervous i can tell you

where we were i mean i can tell you where we were in the car. I remember everything about mine. Like, I remember being in the car with my mom, and she was like, I knew something was going on. Oh, I see, I see. She goes, I knew something was going on. I was like, really? And she's like, yeah, you've been acting off. The first anxiety attack I had, I wonder if,

the first, like, full-blown panic attack from smoking weed was probably before then. Okay. But this, I mean, I couldn't tether the two because they're different anxiety attacks but the fucking once you lose control of it it starts going and all these thoughts you'd never thought of they become real and they become real and you go and by the way that it's it's that's haunted me my whole adult life i mean from that point, I mean, it hasn't happened in a little while, but it happened.

Like a perfect example, I got doxxed, right? And so I get a new phone number, and then no one's got my phone number. And then Howie Mandel comes over, and he tells, he starts talking about anxiety and OCD and stuff, and I deal with that shit. And I go, I remember thinking, I haven't dealt with this in a while. I wonder if this is going to trigger anything. And then random as fuck, someone calls on my, on my old number. It shows up on my computer on FaceTime. And he goes, what's that noise in the room? I go, oh, so I got doxxed. It's people calling my number. And he goes, people just call your fucking number. And I go, yeah. And he's like, what do they want?

And I was like, I don't know. They fucking just want to talk. And he goes, go get it. And so I go to get it, but the call's already ended. Howie goes, call him back. And I go, okay. So I call him back. We do a little prank.

When we get done, we call the guy. The guy's like, who the fuck is this? Now he's looking at Howie Mandel. It's funny. We put on the guy. The guy's like, who the fuck is this? Now he's looking at Howie Mandel. It's funny. We put on the podcast. Get done. And I realized that as I FaceTimed him, when I FaceTimed them, it comes from my new number. Oh, shit.

So I just, this is the first person I've given my new number to. So I'm like, motherfucker. So I DM him. I said, hey, I'm looking through now text messages from my old number trying to find his number. And I see one from another guy. And it's this guy that's a bit of drama going on in comedy that I'm attached to. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I reply to him.

I reply to him. I reply to the old guy from my new number. I reply to him with the drama going on in comedy that I'm involved with. And then I'm like, motherfucker. Then I go to reply to the guy going on and comedy that I'm involved with. And then I'm like, motherfucker. Then I go to reply to the guy. And I say it to a new guy. And now he sent my number out twice. And man, my spiral started.

It started because when you get doxxed, there's a lot of really cool people that reach out to you. They do. They text you. I'm a fan. They FaceTime me. Two guys FaceTime me this morning. They had just gotten to work. They were fucking in the orange vests in a fucking factory. And they were like, fuck, he answered.

And then they texted, you just made our day. That's great. You also get the absolute tremendous pieces of shit who, for whatever reason, they're broken. And they just, they say really nasty, harassing things about you. Like where you just go, like, I don't need that in my life. And now, I mean, I don't go on, like for Twitter, I don't have Twitter on my phone. I have it on, um, have it on, uh, if I want to use it, I can go to Safari. It's just to send stuff out because it's so small.

When you pulled up on my phone on Safari, it's too small for me to read. Cause I don't have my glasses and I'm a dyslexic. Like, look how small this is. you can't ever read that right so i so i can't read what anyone says so it's really fucking perfect right so i don't know what they say anyway so like i'm like i can't see that so i'm like fuck it i just put information out and then every now and again on my computer but like for them to have access to my pocket where they can where it's a text and you think it's a friend and it's like like you're exactly what we thought you were, a fucking celebrity, hungry whore. All you care about is being famous.

And stuff like we're – it's kind of accurate. No, but it's like people put that and then you're like – and then it kind of fucks your day up. And especially if you're in a soft place, it can sting i was like i gotta get rid of my number and then when that howie mandel thing happened and then i sent the my number like three different people with the wrong messages of the wrong people dude it started a spiral that was like fucking rough to peel out of and i was like and i'm not working that weekend right so like all this shit builds up but the most specific i remember is losing my virginity. Losing my virginity.

And that's part of the reason. Can I ask you this really quick? I don't mean to interrupt. But you've never looked at it like you failed, but then you rallied. And you got yourself back up. And even in those circumstances, you still were able to pull through and deliver. No. You've never looked at it like that?

No, no, no. I have a weird perfectionist thing. I don't know if it's OCD or if it's work ethic or the way I work. Gary Vee says perfection is just another form of procrastination. Won't do it until it's perfect. Won't do it until it's putting it off, putting it off. Oh, no, no, no. That's not mine.

Or whatever it is. Yeah, that's not mine. So like Priscilla, our old dog, passed away. She had knee problems. And I had a really hard time accepting her having knee problems. I don't know. I wanted perfection. I didn't want Georgia when she was a baby. Preschool, she fell and she cut her chin.

And it's going to, whatever, you can interpret whatever I'm saying as whatever you want it to be. I know that's how the internet works. You need to interpret it as honesty because I'm sharing how my brain works. She had a cut on her chin that was pretty bad. It was pretty aggressive. And they were like, yeah, she's going to have a scar, a pretty bad scar there. And I would not accept that.

I would not accept my baby girl to have an aggressive scar on her chin. I just would not. The way I'm saying it right now, it fucked me. It fucked with me. So every night and every morning I would put Moderma on it and I'd put a bandaid on her chin before she went to school. And I tell her, baby, if you don't keep a bandaid on, it's going to scar pretty bad because the sun will hit it and you're outside. So do the best you can to keep the bandaid on. It's not a big deal if the bandaid falls off, but the more you

have it on, the better it is. I was obsessive with this Moderma. I mean, every night I put Moderma and I'd rub it in. I'd really make sure it got rubbed in. Kid has no scar on her chin. Wow. No scar. You can't see it. I mean, I was so far from the kid's bowler with the Band-Aid on his chin. From there going, hey, Frank.

Hey, Nelly. Get over here. And you finally say, lunatic. I mean. Yeah, what a scar is going to be gone. And what's so funny is now if I look for that scar, you can see like a remnant. It's like a little white line.

But nobody who knew or didn't ever see it. But I see it and I go, I remember very fondly. That's how I took care of my daughter. I was like, you're not going to have a scar. But I'm also like that with my body. I remember one time taking a shit and I saw stretch marks on my thighs. And I was like, what the fuck? And my heart sank.

And I was like, it's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. What's over? I was perfect. You're modeling. I was perfect. I was like, it's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. What's over? I was perfect. You're modeling your hair. I was perfect.

I was perfect until now. I remember Netflix put my stomach on the billboard. And I go, that's not me. And they're like, I have a distorted vision of what I am or what. Sure, sure. But yeah, weird perfectionist. When Priscilla got her knee surgery, I learned a lot from that dog. Because when she first got her knee surgery i learned a lot from that dog because when she first got her knee surgery i was like so what do we just i mean i'm like writing

it off so we have a gimp dog that can't run you can't play with it you can't give it love what you don't realize is that and this is what priscilla taught me and i did not learn it before then was that things just change a little bit and then things are new and you accept you learn to live with the new things and then that's your newness and then and then and and then all of a sudden it becomes it becomes just as good as the first thing you had like and i i didn't i it took me a very long time i mean like i have a scar on my foot today that if i see it i feel a deep sadness. From what?

I'm such a fucked up person. I'm about to tell you something. You're going to look at me and think I'm fucking out of my mind. I've had perfect feet my entire life. I love the way this starts. Perfect feet. Perfect arches. Your toes are symmetrical.

Beautiful arches. Actually, when people see my feet, they go, those are dancer's arches. I'm not even joking. By the way, I have beautiful eyes. I have beautiful feet. You're a beautiful bird. When people see my feet, they go, goddammit, those are good looking feet. And I take pride in my feet. My feet are always tanned.

No one's ever said that. I take care of my toes. I got a pedicure two days ago with my daughter. Do you go? I used to go with my girls. I haven't gone since the pandemic. But what I... I tan my feet. I got a pedicure two days ago with my daughter. Do you go? I'll take, I used to go with my girls. I haven't gone since the pandemic. But what I,

I mean, I'll take some morning, time in the morning to do my gratitudes, write my happiness journal, and I'll keep my feet out like this, like legs together, like I'm on a scooter, so that the sun hits my feet right, so that when I wear my flip flops,

people go, God damn, you got nice feet. I fucking was drunk at a Super Bowl, and I cut my foot really bad one time. To this day, if I see that scar, I can see it. No one else can see it, but I see it. And I just go. And I just go.

No, it was before Georgia got hers. And I go, God damn it, man. I had the best feet in town. In town? I had the best. I mean, I have legit great feet. Like, go online. There's fucking websites dedicated to my feet. I'm, I have legit great feet. Like, go online. There's fucking websites dedicated to my feet.

I'm not even fucking around. Google Burt Kreischer's feet. It comes up. It's on, like, wickedfeet.com. I have great fucking feet. I believe. And I know people with bad feet. Like, fucking.

I have terrible feet. Oh, I have great fucking feet. I have high arches and my toes are not. Like, the first three are good and the last two are much shorter than the first three i mean what's great maybe i'm also have a little bit of a foot fetish so like like i'm in i'm in defeat like i watch uh my feet are killing me you pull i thought you pulled up no but uh but so like there was a weird thing with perfection and and and uh and like and like especially with, I had a really hard time accepting a flaw in a girl. If I saw a flaw, I couldn't get past it.

Like what? Like cellulite. Oh, cellulite. Cellulite. Like you'd see like, and by the way, now it's like, I mean, I'm married to a woman for 20 years. Like I fucking love it. I love a little bit of a flaw in a woman. But I had to learn to get there.

And Leanne was the one that taught me how to get there. Leanne just was like, was like, this is what I look like. Like this. And, and Leanne just is, just doesn't give a fuck about anything. No plastic surgery. She's like, she finds it. She finds strength in aging because she goes, this is what you're supposed to look like. Amen to that i really believe that if most people left plastic surgery alone and let age just as they would that on the other side of that plastic surgery window they would look better in their 60s even 70s if they make it without that fucking frankenstein 60s 70s yes but there's a fucking window of 50s

where you can stretch it for a little. Like, I have a buddy, a good friend, whose wife got plastic surgery. She looks fucking phenomenal. I've said it to her, like, every time I see her, I go, you look better than last time. Jesus Christ. Is that a compliment or not? Yeah. You look fucking amazing.

All right. Let me ask you this. I'm going to wrangle this back here. So we're going to skip Florida State because we know Florida State. Well, I think that what was interesting about – well, go ahead. Go say what you're going to say. I don't mean skip it, but I want to know what happened. So you're in college.

You do college. I know you graduate college. And now you're out of college and you're getting into the world of comedy and everything else. But also you're becoming a parent and everything. So how do you balance this anxiety that's been coming with you? Because as we change, our anxieties change. You know, now you've got a home and children and pets and all these things that you have to take care of. And that anxiety is not it's not like, bye, Bert.

It's just fucking like, OK, now I got some more shit to worry about and think about. And so how do you because you are literally a comedian, a podcaster, a TV host. I mean, you do all these fucking things. So how do you balance the anxiety of each of these things with, you know, are my kids safe? Are my kids healthy? Is my family taken care of? It's not so funny. I just married Leanne.

She's not the right woman. She doesn't see anxiety. She doesn't. She'll let you know when things are bad. She's like a pilot. You know? Yeah, that's interesting. The way Leanne operates with everything is like, hey, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to feel a little bit of turbulence.

It's not that bad. Trust me. I'll let you know if it gets bad. I'll ask you to put your seatbelts on. I'm going to have the flight attendant sit down. And you're like, but is it going to be bad or not? But the tone of her voice, you're just like, it's the way she operates. I mean, like, we've had a couple things that have been big in our family, you know, like ours, that I didn't handle well.

I never handle anything well. I don't. I just don't. And Leanne kind of just writes, lets me spin out and then writes my boat. Very candidly, I hope one day Georgia sees this and goes, I hope she doesn't see the first part about me losing my virginity. But like I've dropped the ball a lot on Georgia. And it's that perfection thing. It's that, like, I don't want Priscilla to have any injuries.

I don't want Georgia to have any flaws. I want her to be the perfect kid. I want her to, she is the perfect kid. She really is. Now I see that better. Like, I mean, the first time I found out Georgia had lied to me, I was devastated. I mean, I was like. Would she lie?

Can you talk about it? No, it was just during the pandemic. I'm sure I've talked about this. I'm sure I've talked about it somewhere. But during the pandemic, they were going bike rides. And I thought that's all it was. Anyone I talked to was like yeah good luck and i and i was like you're staying socially distant like i had rules in my head

and they weren't staying socially distant they're fucking kids they're going to a parking garage they're hanging out they're bullshitting and i found out liam found out first and then i found out later and and i just didn't handle it well like Like I didn't, I was like, I don't know. I just never thought that kid would lie to me. Like, but I lied to my parents all the time. Right. And so, and so I, I, and like, I remember one time she was like, uh, I want to, I want to quit softball.

And I was like, it's not happening. When I was a kid, if your dad told you something wasn't happening, that was how that worked. Yeah. No shit. And she, she just quit softball. You told her and she did anyway? I said, you're not quitting softball. That will not happen.

It was during the pandemic. They weren't even going to practice anyway. We just keep another year on the team. Who gives a fuck? And she just is like a very strong-minded person who knows what she wants. It's a very great quality to have, knows what she wants and does it her way. And was like, I, I love you. I respect you, but I'm going to do what I want to do. And I fucking melted down. Like, I'm not good at that shit. I'm just not. And, and, uh, and Leanne

is the one who kind of allows me to melt down and then pulls me aside and is like, you're overreacting to this, and then allows me to spiral out with her, and then in a couple days makes me realize, oh, fuck, it's not as bad as I made it feel. She's like, yeah, she's a great fucking kid. I mean, the kid really is a phenomenal kid. She is doing nothing that I did in high school.

Nothing. I mean, we're talking the shit I did in high school. None of that is happening. The amount of lies I told my parents. Oh, God. Is that kid does not do it. They doesn't do it. You try to connect with her and she connects with you.

I never connected with my fucking mom and dad. I never was like looking for a connection. No, that wasn't important it. You try to connect with her and she connects with you. Like I never connected with my fucking mom and dad. I never was like looking for a connect. I'm like, no, that wasn't important then. Right. She's just a great fucking kid. And I just was way overbearing and it was the pandemic.

I'm sure we're all a little bit out of our minds. My OCD was coming in with all that shit. But like, but yeah, yeah. Uh, Leanne's the re the way I deal with it is Leanne. It's fucking Leanne.

Like Leanne is just, she just takes care of everything. I mean, everything that, you know, when we put, we had to put Priscilla down and I talk about this in my act right now, when we had to put Priscilla down,

I remember thinking, thank God she raised these kids. And I didn't like, thank God I was on the road. Cause if I was like, I was melting down when we had to do it. And Leanne had them processing emotion and being fucking adults and being like, and taking care of Priscilla and loving on her all night. Like, I just was drinking whiskey, fucking mad, biting the inside of my lip going like, fucking goddamn fucking dog dealer.

I got this god. Like, so like, yeah, it's Leanne. And it's Leanne. Leanne does all of it. Yeah. So what now, where you sit literally scares you the most? What gives you the most anxiety? What are you trying to fight?

Death. Oh, without a doubt. Really? Yeah, death. Are you 47? 49. Are you? Yeah.

I'm about to be 49 in March. Really? I'm right there with you. Death. I wake up every morning thinking about death. You wake up every morning, though. At least you get to think about death. I wake up every morning thinking about death. I think. You wake up every morning though. At least you get to think about death, bro. You ain't thinking about death.

You're motherfucking dead. I love when you hear that. I love when you hear that. I love a statement like that where you go, you wake up thinking about it. I think to myself one day. What do you think about it? Very, very, very. I'm sure you're specific with your thoughts.

One day I will be laying on a bed. Hopefully, I guess. And I'll be looking at my family and, and I will know I can't stop this. I can't change this, that it's happening. And then I'm going back to darkness. I don't know what's going to happen. I can't change it. I mean, it fucks me up. I think about it every morning when I wake up. I think this is inevitable. This is inevitable. It is inevitable. It's not. It is. Like cancer culture. It's not that bad when you compare it to death. You go, it's not inevitable. I mean, I can change my act. I can write different stories, but I, I'm not personally, because I'm, I'm a little bit oblivious to the, to, I, I think everyone understands things are meant to be jokes that comes to my show, you know?

And if, and if I, if the, that's the tax I have to pay is that people get upset by a joke I tell, that's fine. All my behaviors, I've had sex with six women. So like my behaviors are pretty pretty fucking transparent um i've said inappropriate shit on all the time my whole life but i'm also a comic like also when you're 10 years 11 whatever it is in the podcast you've definitely said some dumb shit we've recorded hours and hours and hours of rogan where i'm just high as fuck saying shit crazy if If that comes out, I want to say that the people that come to my shows will side with me and go, hey, man. That's how I think is like if you're not hurting someone, if you're not doing something malicious to someone or misrepresenting yourself in a certain way.

I mean, everyone knows how fucking flawed I am. They've seen all the things I've said or whatever. They've seen all the things I've said or whatever. But I don't really like – I don't think about that because it isn't inevitable. But what you're saying to me – Death is inevitable. Yeah. But what you're saying to me is in a bed surrounded by family, so do you see yourself older?

Oh, yeah. How old's your dad? Your dad's still alive. He's 72. And you said your grandparents lived to what? Like 99? 99. A week before. What's that. And you said your grandparents lived to what? Like 99? A week before.

What's that? It's that Mickey Mantle gene. Mickey Mantle gene, bro. It's that Mickey Mantle gene. I believe it. It's like I get up every morning. I work out. And I worked out hard this morning.

Four miles. A four-mile run. And then lifted weights. I'll do the same thing. I woke up. So my thing now is like, you know, that's that Instagram stories. So I'm sitting in bed thinking about death and I go,

you're not going to get me today. Like let's fucking get on Instagram stories. You just do one story. And then all of a sudden your day started and you're out of that bed. Um, yeah, I, I think about,

I've always thought about death. I think, I think now I think about it more cause I start seeing it. I quantify it. I go to 20 years. It doesn't seem like a lot, but 20 years, like 30 sounds 30. I'd be 80. Like what are the odds of making it to 80?

And then in this business. Yeah. It's like, and then, and then you see, you hear stories of like some dude, 35 years old, eye cancer or whatever, I don't know, whatever. But like- My dad died at 42 and I try to, I'm about to be 49. I try to remember that and be like, I won. Yeah. My grandfather ain't doing anything I was doing.

My grandfather died. My grandfathers both died early of strokes. But I got in front of that by getting a cardiologist, getting on blood pressure medicine, getting CT scans, all the work, stress tests. I do it every nine months. Okay. I do it twice a year. I do every every nine months. Okay. I do it twice a year.

I do every year. Yeah. And so I do that. I do physicals once every year. I'm up with that. But still, it's like I was with my cardiologist one day, and he was like, are you still drinking? I was like, yeah.

And he was like, you know that's got to stop, right? He was like, it only ends one way. And then the other day like my neighbor our neighbor from our old house she was like a this woman partied and i kind of got a kick out of it she had a box of white wine and just fucking sit in the front and just and then leanne told me she was younger than my parents and by the way now she's having a rough time they have to carry her with a belt like it's what do you mean a belt like they put a fucking weight fucking belt around her and make sure she can walk straight because she's oh it's dude it's bad and then you start going oh yeah it's why i'm drinking fucking fit vine right now because

because this shit doesn't have the tannins in it doesn't have the sugar so you're not hung over so you can get up and do the work now great and you don't get as drunk sorry fit vine you don't get as drunk as you would but that's all i want to do is have a couple glasses of wine with my buddy and have a conversation and so uh so yeah i i i think i think about i think about health consistently i think about longevity i think about uh i think about like like just i don't want to die that's the number one thing i don't want to die the drinking is smoking let's say how are you going to stop when it's time when that doctor says because oh it's going to start it's going to happen before then no one's going to no one no one will ever tell here's what you're not gonna you're telling me that one of your checkups they're not going to tell you bert

no more you're going to stop before they tell you no one will tell me to quit drinking that meaning meaning meaning uh you'll stop before someone has to alert you of your health is that what you're saying so i've already made some i mean i've already made bigger leaps in in watching my drinking than i ever have in my life but before when we before we started sober october i was drinking aggressively and i was unaware and this is gonna sound fucking crazy but I was unaware that day drinking catches up to you. Meaning I couldn't understand why I'd be so hung over on a Monday when I'd partied all through the weekend and just rebounded, rebounded every day. And then Monday, all of a sudden my back hurt. And I'm like, God damn it, man, I don't feel right. I feel off.

day. All of a sudden my back hurt. And I'm like, like, God damn it, man. I don't feel right. I feel off. I'm like, I'm sweating. It smells like piss. And then, and then one day I just, I just was like, oh, that's, that's, that's day drinking. That's like getting on a plane to find and drinking all day. I was like, okay, all right. And so I just was like, we have to adjust because one of the things I love is working out. And so a lot of it happened in Serbia. When we were doing the movie, I kind of really adjusted the way I drank and was like, listen, man, if you want to open a bottle of wine every night, that's fine. Cause it's way better than what I was doing before. Right. But, but it stops at a bottle of wine. You're done in a bottle of wine. Uh, you got to work out in the morning. You got to drink water. You got to take vitamins. You got to like,

there's, it was all COVID stuff. Like i didn't drink covid started i didn't drink well first three months of covid is that right yeah because i was like i was like i'm fucking terrified fucking great but like who cares let me tell you something out of covid that all i remember is that first beer i had i remember first beer i had we were at the new house. We had to stop construction because of COVID, right? So I'm eating fucking money on this house. I hadn't drank in three months. We're over at the new house. The dog, Priscilla's alive. Dogs are in the backyard.

Girls are still little girls. George and I hadn't gotten into a dust up yet. And they were still my little girls. Like we had bows and arrows set up. We had all these cool things. We'd get over there. They were like my little girls. Leanne comes over with a

straight up German craft brew. You know the tall ones? The ones that are like not 32 miles but like way more than just a regular can of beer. She goes, own a beer. You want a beer? And I was like, I'm not drinking. She goes, fuck it. Have a beer.

I was like, for real? She goes, yeah. Have a beer. Have a beer. I was like, for real? She goes, yeah, have a beer. Have a beer. And I went and I got two. I was like, I'm not going to. I was like, because I want the buzz. I want to feel the beer buzz in the afternoon with the sun setting. Now, this is Bert Kreischer I'm talking to. So after three months of no alcohol, will two of those beers, will it give you a buzz?

Kick me in the dick. Really? And it makes the trees sparkle. I mean, every time I quit drinking, that first drink is, I mean, I have beautiful thoughts about life. That first drink, that first drink. I remember the first Sober October we did, I was sober for, what, 31 days, whatever.

Yeah, I was going to say, man, what is that like? I love it. I love it. It's great. You feel fucking awesome. But I mean that first drink after 30, well, it was only 30 man what is that like it's i love it i love it's great it's you feel fucking awesome first drink after 30 well it was only 30 this is three months you're saying yeah there's yeah yeah so i we we um is that the longest span of time you know it's the longest span of time because i had no work how many years three months and how many years since russia russia is when it got bad russia's when it started yeah yeah russia's

when i was like oh you can drink in the afternoon and they're like yeah of course and i was like sweet what happens and like just don't tell anybody i was like don't tell anybody this is awesome so i uh i remember when we did sober october there was this little girl uh i won't say her name but there was this little girl that used to come to our house when the girls were young. And she would dance. And I was like, and by the way, she'd just start dancing. We were all watching a movie and the kid would get up and start dancing. I remember saying to her dad, her dad's like a cool dude, right?

I said, dude, what's up with your fucking kid? Like, she just dances. He goes, I don't know, man. The kid just dances. She fucking, it's like all of a sudden she just gets this feeling and she gets happy and she's the only way she can express it is dancing i can't explain it i was like whatever i don't get it so brucktober ends me and aria in new orleans we're getting ready to do the jokers cruise and uh and me and aria get cocktails down the thing. And it doesn't taste good. But not enjoyable.

It's at the Carousel Bar in New Orleans. And then we do a shot. And we get another, like a road cocktail. And as I step out of that, whatever hotel that is, has a Carousel Bar. I get into the street. And it's New Orleans. I mean, fucking one of the greatest cities in the goddamn fucking fucking planet everything's happening everything's there everyone's laughing everyone's cheering ari turns around smiling and he goes i love this and my alcohol kicks in and i feel my

first buzz in a month now mind you i've been on a tear for a few years and now i feel my first buzz in a month and i realized why that little girl danced i went i started dancing i was like this feels so fucking good i just want to dance i know it like this is what she felt she's so pure when you're a kid you're so pure that you feel as a kid that you start dancing and i go oh god damn it i wanted to call her dad and be like yo put your daughter on the phone i know why the fuck you dance like and get it. Like, and so, so like, that's, I've said it before. It's why I'll never, I'll never, I'll never quit drinking, but I'll never let my body get to the place where someone tells me I have to stop drinking because I don't want,

because I really enjoy it. It's like, you know, it's like, it's like the reason I'll never, it's selfish. The reason I'll never cheat on Leanne, not because I give a fuck about her feelings. I don't, I don't. I mean,anne, not because I give a fuck about her feelings. I don't. I mean, like, I don't. They're not my feelings. Like, I don't feel what she feels. But I need her in my life.

So I selfishly, I don't do things that everyone would want to do. Chick wants to fuck you after a show, and everyone wants to do that. Like, it would feel great. But I don't do it. I don't do it because I need that woman in my life because without that woman i don't have a house my kids are a fucking mess i probably don't have a car payment like i have no way of getting home today like i mean there's like like there's

a fucking lot like i couldn't do anything without that woman so like everything i do is selfish and so when i work out i don't like working out like i hate it i do it every fucking morning i i i don't eat great but when i eat good it's so that i can eat like shit later and get a fucking suitcase of white castles at two in the morning the same way like let me lose 10 pounds nah fuck that let me lose 15 so i can fuck off for a couple weeks i do crazy fucking diets to lose weight so i'm gonna go party yeah i don't i don't drink and work out so that i can drink and not work out like i mean i i i'm going back tonight tonight i'll open up another bottle of fit vine and get on the treadmill and i'll walk like seven miles and have a bottle of wine it's my greatest it's like the fucking and i go hey it's just i drink water

like crazy i don't I don't enjoy it. That's why I love fucking liquid death. You just murder that shit. I'm no one like, I don't know. I like Kool-Aid. I like Kool-Aid. But I drink water. It's so funny.

That's what I grew up on. Kool-Aid and country time lemonade. The powder in the fucking jugs. Have you had Kool-Aid at a soul food restaurant? No, I haven't. It's got to be the most sugary fucking shit. It's made the way it's supposed to be made. Like with someone's hand.

I just went to a soul food restaurant in New Mexico, and they fucking brought me Kool-Aid as a joke. They were like, we know who you are. Here's some Kool-Aid. If cum tasted like that Kool-Aid, I'd have bruised knees. I mean, fuck off. Like that Kool-Aid, I'd have bruised knees. I mean, fuck off.

Oh, shit. I will say this. I forgot this. I'm with Eva one night, and this is probably, and her brother, this is right around Christmas time, and I call Benny Hahn. I'm like, hey, you guys happen to be open by any chance. We're right down the street. He's like, we are open. I said, all right.

So we go in, and we sit down, and the guy's looking at me and everything. He comes up, and he sets a Kool-Aid down, and he goes, tell the machine. We said, hello. I said, that's fucking ridiculous. By the way, by the way, can I tell you all that I heard out of that story is this statement. Benihana has never lost on me. You are a terrible listener. I'm a Benihana guy.

I'm a Benihana guy. I love Benihana. Me too. I'm a terrible listener. All I heard was Benihana, and all I thought was, I could I'm a Benihana guy I'm a Benihana guy I love Benihana Me too I'm a terrible listener All I heard was Benihana And all I thought was I saw you go I could go to fucking Benihana

I love Benihana Anything with a little bit of razzle dazzle Yeah And I am fucking all in You give me a fishbowl drink I love a fishbowl drink I love a fishbowl drink More than I like a regular drink

If you serve water in fishbowls I'd probably drink it better Did I ever tell you about the time I drank our fishbow bowl water one time? What do you mean? Fucking Leanne is cleaning out the girl's fish bowl, and she pours it in a pitcher of water. And I was like, I could be hydrated. Here we go.

And I drank the fish's fish bowl water. I drank all of it. And she was laughing so fucking hard. She was like, I just see the squiggly little... Oh, there was shit in there? I was tall. I go, why would you save the fishbowl water? Why would you? She was fucking pH balancing it.

I drank the whole fucking thing. Oh, God. That is disgusting. I'm going to smoke weed tonight. I can feel it. I can feel it. I got Tommy. I'll send you home with some.

No, I have so much in my fucking house. Send me home with one of the new joints you Tommy. I'll send you home with some. I'll send you home with some. No, I have so much in my fucking house. Send me home with one of the new joints you got. I'll send you. What do you smoke? Sativa. I like Sativa. I'm a thinker. That's what you want.

It's not a brand for me. It's more of the type of marijuana. I like a giggle. I love to giggle. Sativa, bro. It's like my favorite thing when I got in. Sativa's a daytime high. They call Indica couch lock.

That's your nighttime high. That's the stuff you want to smoke. And then you're like, you know what? Fuck all our plans. Lay down. That's not me. Me, I'm like, let's fucking paint the walls. Let's post some pictures up over here.

Let's paint. Let's do this. Let's do that. Let's go clean some shit. Yeah. I just want to giggle and not think about, I don't want to fucking. We got to get out of here. But let me ask. Yeah, I don't want to fucking, I don't know. We got to get out of here, but let me ask you this question.

I ask everybody their first time on here. Advice you would give to your 16-year-old self? After what we've talked about right now, today, and it can be funny, it can be serious, whatever you want. What are you going to say to 16-year-old Bert Kreischer knowing what you know now fucking slow down I would really I would say slow the fuck down dude like you're in a rush to get everything you don't know that you want you don't need it I mean every part of my life the fucking losing my virginity uh I made I made decisions based on what people were making around me. And then even still, like, getting into comedy, I moved straight to New York.

And then in comedy, I was like, I wanted everything everyone else had. And I didn't deserve it. But I didn't know it. And I was like, and I would allow that to affect the way I felt about myself. And I would just say, slow the fuck down. I mean, slow the fuck down. I think that's great. I think it's great advice.

Yeah. You always want – I've learned that too. One of the things that took me, I mean, well into my 40s to learn is like if you just fucking take your foot off the gas, shut your fucking mouth, and sit back, most of the time it takes care of itself. The hardest thing to do is – Tom Petty said, man, the waiting is the hardest part. You just fucking get antsy. You're like, no, I got to do something here. I got to do something. I didn't think I'd realize that I would be this happy at 49.

Me either. I thought about it today. My dad, again, died at 42, and I'm like, shit didn't start happening for me until 47, 46, 47. Probably the same here oh my god i could have died and never even hit my potential or or started to hit my potential like it dawned on i'm like god i think about that i definitely think about that sometimes i go how many times i could have died or should have died and every person on this planet is lucky to be make it past 16 the dumb shit we all do as kids it's crazy but like if i i wish there was a way i could go back and go like hey you're not gonna turn into who you want to be until you're 49 like you're

gonna be a stuttering low ego low self-esteem having cunt at parties like shut the fuck up don't talk don't pitch everyone your fucking stupid ideas. Like, stop self-fucking grandizing. If I could go back to my 16-year-old self and hear me talking at a party, I would walk up and punch myself in the face and be like, who is that adult that just came in here and punched Ryan in the face? Like, his future motherfucking self. Wouldn't that be cool, like, if you get to hang out with someone who has the flu? Like, if they compare you, right? And you could go, this is what's wrong with me.

Like a Tinder, right? So you go on and go, this is what's wrong with me. Like a Tinder, right? So you go on and you, this is what I don't like about me. I fucking, I have low self-esteem. Pair you by flaws? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. And then they pair you with a guy a little bit younger than you, like by five years, 10 years. He has all your flaws and then you get to be friends with them. He doesn't know why you're friends with them. You just get to see the thing you don't like and you actualize the's really interesting and then you were like oh fuck that's what i sound like

i think it's danish and o'neill i want to give them credit if it is they had this idea i heard about a while ago and i've talked to them i'm almost positive it's them but they they wrote this script where they time travel and they go back to their meet their 17 year old selves to tell them some shit that could change their whole lives in the future. But the time machine breaks, and now they're stuck with their 17-year-old selves, and they fucking can't stand them. And I think that is brilliant.

Like, could you imagine, seriously, being stuck for a month with 17-year-old Bert? I could not. So wait, so you know, I wrote a script about my daughter's time traveling from the future to come back to save Leanne's life. Okay. And they come to Pat's, the local bar we used to hang out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're like fucking super proud of themselves. I don't know who they are. And they're like, what you drinking? Tito's Soda Big Glass No Lime? I said, yeah. They're like, what'd you have for dinner? Breakfast tacos? And I was like, do I know you drink? And Tito's is sort of big glass, no lime. I said, yeah. I'm like, uh, what'd you have for dinner? Breakfast tacos.

And I was like, do I know you guys? And they're like, it's Georgia and Isla. And I'm like, what? And they're like, we saved mom's life.

And I'm like, wait, what are you talking about? They're like 25. They're like, yeah, we time traveled. We saved mom's life.

And I'm like, shut the fuck up. And I'm like, wait, are you guys scientists? And they're like, no, I'm a DJ.

She's, I'm a, I'm a manager. She's my manager. And I go, wait are you guys scientists and they're like no I'm a DJ she's I'm a manager she's my manager and I go wait it goes right back to your talent show bro I go wait how did you guys how did you guys time travel and they're like we got this calendar at this like gypsy stop and we can time travel and I was like what about butterfly effects and they're like huh I go what like did you change the future and they're like I don't know what you're talking about and they're just the morons they are today right but they're like, huh? I go, what? Like, did you change the future? And they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they're just the morons they are today.

Right. But they're just as dumb in the future. And they come back and they end up falling in love with their young selves. And their young selves fall in love with them. And they fuck up the entire future for everyone. Because they go and grab them and take them out of school and go party with them for a day. Yeah. And I was like, and it's so funny because I sent that script.

I taught, I pitched it a couple of places and then, and then, you know, scripts just go away, whatever. But, uh,

but I love, I'm obsessed with time travel. I think so. I'm afraid of death. Yeah. Any more questions? Brother, just promote whatever you'd like to promote.

We'll get out of here. Um, here's what I'd like to promote. I've shared everything with you. Okay. I'm looking at the camera right now. I'm. I've shared everything with you. Okay. I'm looking at the camera right now. I'm sure I've shared everything with you. Uh,

you will see a very vulnerable side of me. I'm sure in the future, in my movie, the machine, what, cause I'm going to promote it. I really want everyone to see it. And,

and I'm supposed to, I don't know. I don't know. I will, but I, but I will, I will be going hard in the paint, promoting this thing is the comeback to see it. When's it supposed to end? I don't know. I don't know. But I will be going hard in the paint promoting this thing. Come back and promote it. You get one shot in life at something like this.

I'm going to be going out hard as fuck to promote this thing. Okay? And I know podcast fans are like, dude, enough. We get it. Like, you guys are so inside baseball. All I ask is that you help me promote it. If you see a trailer for it, you retweet it. You talk kindly of it.

You go out and see it and just be cool. I hope you enjoy it. It's great. I love it. You got Luke Skywalker. I know. It's great, but I know podcast fans are discerning motherfuckers. I know because I'm one, and I fucking catch myself talking shit about people.

But still, they're also diehard motherfuckers, and know because I'm one. And I fucking catch myself talking shit about people. But still, they're also die-hour motherfuckers. Yeah. And they support hard as shit. They go hard in the pain. Well, I just hope that when that movie comes out, that you enjoy it, that you spread the word. That's the only thing is that I will be going hard. You'll see me on everyone's podcast. Don't be like, Jesus Christ, is Bert on everyone's fucking podcast

because that's what I say. That's what I say. I go, well, what the fuck is he promoting? He's on Tim Dillon. He's on Ryan Sickler. He's on fucking your mom's house, Joe Rogan. Jesus Christ, Bert. Fucking Dick Boy Studios? Are you fucking serious?

We get it. Your fucking movie's coming out. Be cool, okay? Be cool and just support my movie, The Machine. That will be coming out, and I hope everyone enjoys it. I can't wait. I'm really excited. I love you, bro.

I love you more. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. Thank you.