The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Beth Stelling

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Dewers! My #HoneyDew this week is Beth Stelling! From as early as six, Beth knew how to get the party started! I’ll just say the party trick was something you needed to hear. We talk about struggles with weight and how it feels when you hear things like, “You’ll never be thin” and “I’ve never slept with a bigger girl”. Beth is tough as nails and shares some crazy stories about growing up with divorced parents and getting caught by the cops in a frat house when she was in 8th grade! And her poor dog... Subscribe, download & review! TheHoneyDewPodcast.com

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're doing it over here at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. Want to hit you up with some dates, everybody. Edmonton this week, Thursday through Saturday, I will be there. Come on out, check out some shows.

And then in June, I'm doing like six dates with Tommy Bunz over there. Richmond, Maryland, Atlantic City, Tulsa, Wichita, Kansas City. August 1st through the 3rd, I'm at the House of Comedy in Minnesota and there will be a September date in Baltimore and again as I say every week thank you so much for all the positive feedback, the messages I'm blown away and I

appreciate it if you really want to help the show, tell everybody make sure you subscribe also make sure you subscribe to your Mom's House YouTube page as well, that's where the video comes out on every Tuesday. Website is thehoneydoopodcast.com Merch there, shirts,

hoodies, stickers. All social media links are there. Make sure you follow the show and email honeydoopodcast at gmail.com I want to say this again to all the old feasters. All Crab Feast episodes are now on their own feed. You go to thecrabfeast.com.

It's there. You can resubscribe. There's a link, drop-down menus right there, or you can stream every episode right from that site. So they're there. They're free. You'll get them forever. You no longer have to worry about missing any episodes.

And here at the Honeydew, if you're new to this show, what we do here is we highlight the lowlights. We laugh at the adversity in our lives. And these are the stories behind the storytellers. And today, I'm very excited to bring the storyteller on for the first time. Crab Feast favorite, though. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Beth Stelling. Hi. Put it up top, girl. Yes. So glad to have you here, Beth Stelling. Thank you.

Nice little clap in the back there. I brought two fans with me. You didn't just bring two fans with you. You brought donuts with you. I did. And you were late because you stopped to get donuts, and that's always all right. I'm just glad the camera's on this side because I'm missing a tooth on this side. You showed it to me the other night.

Yeah. You know, it's not for long. Limited time only that you're going to get to see that tooth missing i feel like i finally adjusted to being missing and now it's gonna come back don't you find that like when you're missing one you just put your tongue in it all day long yeah back there just hitting it all yeah it's huge it's a huge hole um well before we get into because you came with quite a bit um excuse me will you please plug and promote anything you'd like he came with quite a bit of dark quite a bit of dark uh i'm gonna be at comedy on state in madison wisconsin may may 16th through 18th and then

i'm in brooklyn at littlefield june 2nd and i'm at jimmy kimmel's new vegas comedy club june 6th or 9th and you can find everything at sweetbeth.com backslash tour what is it sweetbeth.com sweetbeth okay i thought you said for i thought you said butt for a second sweet butt that's your that's your website tastyass.com i need to buy that now for myastyass.com I need to buy that now. Tastyass.com for videos. Well, I'm very excited to have you here.

We've known each other for a while now. We had dinner the other night and we just got to shoot. It was a lot of fun. And you started telling me some stories relating to weight and your issues with it or struggles with it which i also have like i have a super unhealthy relationship with food i just if i'm sad happy bored like whatever it is i'm just like let's include food in that shit yeah so i and then

you gave me a list of stories and i was was like, holy shit, these are fantastic. So why don't we just... I woke up in the middle of the night and I was like, sorority rush. Because I was just thinking after dinner, you're like, just think of all the dark times. I'm like, everything that I've suppressed and surpassed. You said that to me, and I love it. Yeah. And there's a lot on this list. So why don't we just start sort of with...

This will be my new hour. You're just go back to childhood because you say that's where all this sort of body. Yeah. Guilt and everything was born. Was it not what you're from Ohio originally from born and raised in Dayton Ohio. And how many brothers and sisters started with two parents. And then my dad moved down to Orlando Florida to be an actor. Yeah.

It's not where you go. He did stay down there, and he still is down there. There's a whole other reason of that, but my mom, I think early, she kind of blames herself a little. I love this. What? He went to the home of Disney to be an actor. Yeah, absolutely.

What kind of actor? Universal. Well, he ended up being Blackbeard at Pirates Cove Mini Putt-Putt Golf Course for a stint. And we got to free Putt-Putt all the time. Laugh now, motherfucker. Next year, I swear to God, I'm going to be in that Pirates of the Caribbean. You watch. You watch.

I'm coming, Disney. I used to say my dad was Jaws on the Jaws ride. You tell people that? Yeah. Okay. Wait, when he was alive? I don't know. I've played a lot of putt-putt golf in my life.

I don't know if I've ever seen a live mascot at any mini golf that I've ever played in my life. The Altamont Springs area in Orlando, Florida. He would dress like a pirate from here down down and then he would put a big black beard head on top of his head that they provided oh it wasn't even his real face it was like that my dad always took all of his character jobs very seriously i was an elf when he was santa claus one time so he had more than just santa yeah this is actually part of my new like hour i've decided to sort of like include it in my stand-up and um yeah he was uh he's all kinds of characters he has his own business now he bucked industry standards he was like screw universal and disney i'm out on my

own does he have a roster he has a roster roster, a cast of characters. And are his characters slightly off? Like Sponge Rob Squarepants? No, it's never like... It's actually Sponge Steven. It really doesn't even make any sense. Is it really? No, I'm just kidding. Is it a V or a P-H?

It actually often doesn't make sense because he asked me one time to help him name the pirate. And I was like, how about Arj? Arj, the pirate. And he's like, oh, that's really good. I looked on the website and he put like how about arge arge the pirate and he's like oh that's really good i looked on the website and he put glitter it's just glitter the pirate glitter so yeah he basically you know i don't want to like just deliver you the jokes glitter where's captain hook glitter like because you're when i was on feast crab feast like everybody loved the story about

my dad feeding raccoons yes and that's also true but um yeah he just he's got he's a bit of a wild man and good dad though i don't centric or are you not in touch or i mean i wouldn't know i go play around a mini golf and catch up with him? We had some fun. But he was really only with me the first couple years of my life. Oh, he split that? Yeah. And then I went a little while without seeing him.

And then it was court order to go see him. And so it was like, because he had fought for some custody. So I've been flying since I was six. I was meant to be a touring stand-up comedian. Preparing me, preparing me early to fly. And you have a sister, right? Two older sisters. Two older, so he left all three of you girls with your mom.

Yes. And. I mean, there's a lot of, of course, extenuating dark circumstances. It's not a classic leave, but nothing is. Classic leave. You know what I mean? It wasn't like, bye, I'm walking out.

Yeah, there was like so many circumstances happening. But yeah, he started his own business down there, and it's called Stars on Call. He calls them live roadside commercials or character directionals. Wait, what? It's starsoncall.com. If you go to the website, it'll probably crash.

I don't know three people you are one of four people but anyway so yeah what i don't know how do we get going on this oh you said you started with two parents oh right right right that's how we got here so but they they are both oddly linked i suppose to my relationship with food thankfully i have never had an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia i mean one time i ate a full bag of crispy m&ms and i had to puke but other than that i mean it was like it was like like this big and once you get going on those they feel so light and airy and then they'll get you it's the m&m yeah and so i think i made myself

puke it but it was with a horrid puke because it's like it really wanted to stay in there oh yeah they were like no you know and so um yeah so thankfully never of that but my mom will sometimes feel guilty she's very much like the sweet mother that's like she would reward me with sweets you know like if i did well on a test or I didn't hurt a small animal and I behaved or something or I did good in gymnastics. Like she would take me to get a snickerdoodle, which was my favorite cookie growing up at Dorothy Lane Market, or we'd go to TCBY together.

Another dark memory there. They got my ears pierced as a baby, and nobody was turning them. I remember them getting my stupid ears pierced a baby and nobody was turning them oh yeah i'm getting my stupid yeah nobody was turning them i was the youngest and they must have forgot to do my turns and my dad had to rip them i just remember we were at tcby and he ripped them out of my ear how old are you i must it had to have been pre-3 because he was still there you remember this i guess or it's like one of those things where your parents tell you like do this one time and How old are you? It had to have been pre-three because he was still there. Do you remember this? I guess. Or it's like one of those things where your parents tell you this one time and then it comes into your mind.

But yeah, he ripped it out of my ear. Why TCBY? Wait to get home. Let me get that cookies and cream. Yeah. I guess it is a sanitary feeling place. It does feel pretty clean. Since I've been here, I've tripped over several words.

That's okay. It might be the sugar high. Mommy made me mash my M&M's. Is that like a get ready for your... Yeah, my mom's a music teacher, so there's vocal warm-ups. And that's a mommy made me mash my M&M's. That's one. Mommy made me mash my M&M's.

Daddy made me cry myself to sleep. That's not a classic that's new age the first time i had sex was with a doll okay you too um okay so is your mom a big lady no she's so she is she's but i've delved in you know you delve into all these things my dad did always make her feel so this is actually that's actually you've been linking some things um yeah we talked as a friend you got it um which which is true because my my now i don't know when my mom would have shared this with me or when it came into my mind or whatever but my dad definitely gave her a hard time about her body about these to kind of run together i think he always wanted her to be thinner but she also was never fat my pirate ship's got a weight limit you know what i'm saying like yeah and nowadays everybody's talking like there's

there's a lot of opinions on all of this like There's so much. If you just delve into the world of fat shaming or fat phobia or whatever. I've had a couple people come after me for some of my jokes that I've told about myself. Like, you're fat phobic. I've heard this before. Someone else just said recently, you make a joke about yourself and then they get on you about you. Right. But here's the thing we talked about before. You may not be fat right but

that doesn't mean someone can't make you feel that way yeah you can't and again we said you you might not be dumb but someone's telling you you're stupid and dumb your whole life then you grow up thinking because honestly sometimes you wouldn't know unless somebody told you like i've had i say that in my act where it's like i I have a condition where I always think I look good. I was calling it reverse body dysmorphia. That's great. Because body dysmorphia is when you think you're fat, but you're actually stupid.

And so I think, okay. But I'm sure somebody will come after me for that. And it's like, I don't, it's basically what people tell you about yourself kind of forms you and how you're not a sponge. You have to learn, like someone has to teach you those, like either to have a tough skin or something. But if someone tells you something, it affects you.

Like I don't, I remember a lot of times not really feeling a certain way unless someone would mention it to me. Like I have, I always, sorry, I don't like being disingenuous. So I always preface it that I have a joke about this, but it's like, you know, you're drawing your family in first grade, you finish your family, and then a little girl leans over to you who's also in the class, and she's like, where's your dad?

And you're like, I'm supposed to have one? You know, like, what do you mean? You wouldn't have known something was missing unless somebody told you. So it's like, and then as I progressed, like, people tell you the things about you, and you're like, oh, that's what I am. And so I guess, like, as I've grown as an adult,

I've had to learn to not absorb. Even when it comes to stand up or like comments or negative comments, like you're not, whatever, the least harmful, you're not funny. And it's like, oh, maybe I'm not funny. You know, it's like, no, I'm, it's more like you don't have to absorb

everything people tell you. But I think I did that for a long time. I just had a situation with my daughter where I was taking her to swim lessons and she said something about walking together with her mom. She's four and a half. She goes, if we were a real family, and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, what did you just say? Yeah.

Because someone's taught you that. She goes, well, my one friend, their mom and dad live with them. And I go, mm-hmm. I go, look, that's true you know you're like but honey they're not having nearly enough sex to make it help you trust me when i tell you traditionally yeah that's the you know whatever nuclear family whatever you want to call it i said but look you know i didn't grow up that way your brother you know this kid this kid i'm listing all our friends and i go it's totally normal it's totally

fine you're part of a real family i don't want you to ever think you're not part of a real family i said by the way and i'm straight up with her at four and a half i'm like some of those people all living together under that same roof they're nowhere near as happy they're nowhere they don't love each other as much so don't ever worry about that she's like okay and you're like let me teach you about separate bedrooms. You know, you're four and a half. Get a good couch. A comfy couch.

Yeah. And like certain events, of course, come to mind along the way where it's like other comics. I think I told you this at dinner. Like another comic who's a friend of mine and likes me. I think I lost a bunch of weight right before I was about to leave Chicago. Chicago's a 4 a.m. bar city. There's food everywhere. I ate a lot. And of weight right before I was about to leave Chicago. Chicago's a 4 a.m. bar city. There's food everywhere. I ate a lot. And I lost weight before I moved.

And he was like, you look great, yeah, but you'll never be skinny. You know, and it's like. I can't even like. I can't even get over it. And this is like one of, this is like. People say shit like that. This is so many of these things said to me. Like, I remember hooking up with this guy.

And I think we had already done the deed and that's what i call it why did i get sensory there i don't know we already fucked hard and and uh and then he leaned over and he was like oh i've never slept with a bigger girl before. I can't even. I would never even have the balls to say that to somebody. It's a bigger girl. He said gal or girl. But here's the thing. When we joke and we laugh about these things, I think the issue

arises for other people or whatever because it's funny to me. I can laugh about it. I've written jokes about it. Yes, but to other people they say, well, the joke is because it's big is bad or it's funny to me i can laugh about it we can i've written jokes about it is all about yes but to other people they say well the joke is because it's big is bad or it's funny because he you he offended you by saying you're big and it's like i think the main issue or argument for a lot of a lot of these people who say these things are fat phobic is you know big doesn't mean unhealthy and thin doesn't mean healthy that's's right. Which is true. There are very unhealthy people who are just bones.

Yeah. You know? Smoking cigarettes or meth or some shit. True. Yeah, they fucking look good. I later found out that the guy who called me

a bigger girl also did heroin. So I was like, okay, well we gotta look for some clues in the future. That's right. I don't do drugs so I'm not good

at picking up on it. Just standing up on the sidewalk, falling asleep wasn't good. He was like, I've never slept with a bigger girl before. Could you pass me my hypodermic needle? And I was like, absolutely, doctor. No, but I don't think it was during my time. I think it was maybe after. But I mean, how does that just makes you feel like shit yeah oh my god i'm after sex and i'm vulnerable

laying there and then not a compliment about the night no sesh no or any of that it's yeah and i'm sure don't throw his roster in his head and right and he's like you're the first you know and i wasn't even big it's like i always when when i was like i think the highest was about 200 pounds truly it's like i i'm tall i carry it well it wasn't like that big not like it would have been bad if i was but it's just like it's all relative yes i have this other joke where i'm like when i was 200 pounds i lived with a girl who was 100 pounds and she would always call herself fat i mean she was a german shepherd but it affects it affects everybody i just think it's like i'm i i think it's like what people tell you

totally gets into the fabric of your being and and i think it's associated with a lot of things like i said the treats when i was young you know i got joy out of food i gotta watch that because i do i like to do the ice cream thing yeah me too i mean but but i don't know and my mom still do my mom and i still do that together i left some peeps behind at easter and she just texted me this morning i ate two rows of the cotton candy surprisingly delicious surprising but what she doesn't know is that my dad sent me those cotton candy ones for my birthday would she eat them if she probably not she doesn't even want him to pet her dog when he comes to town so yeah you've got a list of things here and one of these is uh your dad uh oh yeah this this is linked to that probably here at all

because i think like when we had to go visit my dad especially when i was younger it was very much like oh dad is like trying to prove something we would go there and he would you know it was like he was a vacation dad it was take us go-karting we go to wet and wild which is some of my earliest stand-up on the dristuka yes that was one of my first like stand-up stories that i told fucking slide it's a it scared the shit out of me i've never been up on it i did it at nine. I was about 10 or 11. It was so high. It had Kodak moments on the way up where it was like, here's a great spot for a picture.

It's unbelievable. I have a joke where I'm like, my sister goes down, my dad goes down, and I'm just tall enough to ride this. This thing's a tall-ass water slide. It was the tallest water slide, I think, in the US. You cross your arms like this. You're sitting at the top. You cross your legs, and you tuck your chin. And then you basically go like this. You basically go, you're going down and you basically go like this.

Yeah, I mean, gravity. Straight down, like just straight. Yes. You're vertical. It's nuts. And they have you cross your legs, which at the time, I don't know if I had the strength to keep them crossed. And I was like, like water straight up.

And it was just like, it could have come out of my mouth. You know, and then I got up and just like a gallon of water. I was like. Is this somebody's goggles? Right here, who's goggles? And there's always a group waiting for girls' tops to fly up. Oh, yeah. as they went down because there's a guy too the guy told us if you don't if your legs come on cross good luck with your balls like punching your balls all the way down and my my friend that we went with he didn't tuck his head into his chin your head will go like this and it banged

back so much that when he had a knot and you get up you're so disoriented you're fucking your bathing suits up to crack your ass no matter what you do you're just blinking you don't know where the fuck you are and everyone's just standing there watching it wasn't fun it was just like i'm gonna prove that i can do this i'm gonna do that once you know there's the bombardier one where you hold on so you can just do regular deersicle where you sit at the top and then get you know straight down yeah or you can do the bombardier one where you hold on? So you can just do regular deers, where you sit at the top and then get, you know, straight down. Or you can do the bombardier, which was next to it, because there were two next to each other. And it's, you climb in, you hold on to the handles like this.

Of what? Of, it looked like a, you know, like a bombardier popsicle? Oh, yeah, okay. It looked like that at the top. And you would, like, hold on to it. You'd step out. A double stick? If here's the slide that we were

going down it was next to it we would sit here and go this one the bombardier has a landing and you step out onto the landing and then into the thing and they release the bottom and you go yes people would i never got the courage to do it. What if you went a little that way? There was no net. No, and the sides aren't that high. That was the scariest part. One little rock and you're going off of there. Fuck that.

Oh, my God. That is nuts. So, yeah. Anyway, that was an early formative experience. You lived with mom. You played with dad. Yeah. I mean, and into like junior high, high school, it was like he would let us do anything.

We'd drink. He'd let us get things pierced. My sister got tattooed. Yeah. So you're going back to mom with tattoos and piercings and shit? Yeah. Holy shit. I got a, one summer I got my belly button and my eyebrow. Now did people

turn those? And maybe my nose. You turned those? I hope you turned those. I did turn these. I wouldn't get anything pierced around my dad. What if I still had it pierced? But they put, it was Daytona Beach. They put a, they ran out or something and they put a belly size ring in my eyebrow. Nah. Yeah. That's big.

Yeah. My mom was pissed for a lot of reasons, but very valid reasons. But, so yeah, so then I ate a lot. My dad would be out dressed like a slice of pizza or doing whatever he was doing for the morning he would come in still feel like he'd had to take the slice off but his face would still be fully red and he'd wake us up or like be like girls let's go we're gonna go to the beach so he would do his shift and then i'll be i'm gonna be eggs over easy outside of denny's for about three hours.

I'll come back. We're going to the beach. Yes. And then we'd pack up this candy stripe van and go to the beach. But sometimes he would be working all day and he also catered a little. Did it all down there, huh? He still does. And we'd just be sitting there all day watching the oj trial or like

you know watching tv mtv spring break and just eating that's what i would do a lot and um so i gained weight that was like around my freshman year because we're just there for summer like think about leaving all your friends for a full month of the summer no one else yeah oh i didn't have any friends down there i met one girl one time and she was strange there's a dry heat there and the crabgrass is upsetting it's not like fun and so i never like made friends i had other family down there my grandma was there so she had a swimming pool and there's like good memories there it's not it's certainly not all bad memories or anything but as we aged you're just being pulled out of your ecosystem to come down to. And Christmas was especially upsetting because it was like, A, my mom always got a real tree that was green.

And they would get a fake tree that was small and white. You know what I mean? And that to me is like the ultimate trash. And we're not even like a rich family. Like my mom's a teacher. I don't mean like poor. It was just like trashy. So it was just two totally different aesthetics between my mom and my stepmother and my dad's house.

Like there was a table they had that I used to imitate. It was a naked woman. Like all, she's basically, the table is- You've been the most physical guest in that chair so far. I love it the table the glass rests atop her nipples and her knees no no no her nipples

and her wrists so like she's like this fully and this is the flat part of the table and this is like that's what it rests on and there's a photo of me reenacting that but i'll find it somewhere but i do think it it does still exist anyway different aesthetics then when i got back from

that summer after eating it was probably munchies i was introduced to munchies you know the combos of doritos pretzels something else in there yeah and then i came back and i was introduced to munchies you know the combos of doritos pretzels something else in there yeah yeah and then i came back and i was had to run the mile because i was a field hockey player and um and i remember my coach after i ran the mile i think i barfed and you think about it now it's really not that long it's like it's four laps 20 minute wall but it's supposed to be a sprint i think that's why it seems so long. But yeah, wow. And my coach's son came up to me and he was like,

my mom said you got slow. And I was like, I think that was just for you. I was training down in Orlando. Munchies in the OJ trial. But yeah, so that was like that and then college happened i'm trying to think of anything earlier that happened than that because i didn't really puberty story about your dad oh right right right that's we would sometimes take a vacation when we went down there um with a vacation within a vacation to like santa bo island or key west or captiva i think this was key west

and it was already like a rugged trip or something. Meaning like my grandma came, but she was like having dementia type qualities. Like she, cause they took her away from home and put her in this weird vacation house. Our aunt was there with her husband and they were like clearly about to divorce.

My stepmother was drinking a lot per use. And, and I showed up from college. I think it was right before my junior year of college maybe. And so what is that? Like you're like 20 or something. And yeah, first thing my dad said to me was like,

you look like a little boy going through puberty. Cause my face had broken out knack. And I was like, so then of course I started, I started doingackering. And I was like, so then, of course, I started doing stand-up later. And he was like, and I forget the weight gain comment. He just said something. I can't remember exactly what he said, but that was my earliest stand-up. It was about Wet n' Wild.

It was about I went away to college, and I came back, and my dad was like, more like the freshman 40. He said that? And I said, well freshman 40, you know, he said that. And I said, well, dad, I eat because you left us, you know,

and I haven't washed my face since then either. Um, I used to, yeah. Oh, he used to call me like, he never saw me play hockey, but I was like an all Ohio and,

and I was the captain and we went to state. Where are you? You're good at field hockey. I still, I played last night. You did. Where do you play? Uh, John Adams middle're good at field hockey. I played last night. You did? Where do you play? John Adams Middle School, Thursdays.

Wait. At 9 p.m. if anybody's open. We're off next week, but. Santa Monica? Mm-hmm. We'll talk about that. Yeah, it's an open league. Anybody who wants to play Thursday, Santa Monica Field Hockey League.

Co-ed? Mm-hmm. I can get in there and mix it up with the ladies? All levels. Yeah. I don't think my back could take it anymore. You're hunched over the whole fucking time. The key is to bend it to get down.

You know what I mean? Here we go. You don't want to be like this. Field hockey player. You want to be like this. Okay. You know what I mean? And run like that the whole time?

No, I don't run a ton. I'm a defender. Oh, you're just standing. Sometimes I do some sprints up to try to score. But my dad never saw me play, even like going to the all ohio game or all state game or something and uh he but he would call me the shaquille o'neal of field hockey because he's from orlando and he like loves shack yeah he like got things signed for us by shack

and so then one of my older jokes was and you're the tanya harding of dads it's a little dated now but actually good thanks to margot robbie it's i could still i could bring it back i mean here i want to go there's so many how about this party trick as a child as a child i don't you read the sentence i'll read this so i just say him i just basically free flowed on things that were dark or traumatizing. I like to ask people to just give me a line. Don't give me too much. I gave you like 40 lines.

40 lines. And this line right here, I'm going to read that to everybody. It says, I used to. Earmuffs, mom. I used to queef on command as a party trick as a child. queef on command as a party trick as a child who the fuck now i can't do it i'm a lady bring that little girl on here watch this shit watch this shit i think i can still do it like but really i would put my legs behind my head like you know what i mean yeah and then but both

like a pretzel behind my head because i was a gymnast for many years and um and essentially i think most people like um in order to protect themselves assumed that it was my butthole you know like just to like nah nah you know what i mean yeah and so so my sisters would always call it farting on command but like how could you not know it was so such a different sound but like i had older sisters and they would have parties and like occasionally when my mom was out of town get beth up here to liven this thing yeah and i remember eating a dog biscuit just like make people laugh. I would kind of do whatever.

What would your mom do when you would do that? Would she freak out? I think she was working one of her three jobs. We weren't full latchkey kids, but she worked a lot. She was a single mom. Yeah, with three kids. Yeah. So it was like she really did a

great job raising us i never felt like the kid that never had my parent home she wasn't at a lot of school things because she excuse me was also a teacher but um yeah i don't know it was just basically like suck air and then really just let her rip and suck air in there huh yeah that's fucking beautiful and it would always get laughs oh my god i don't know what i would do i would definitely laugh first at my daughter and then i'd be like hey you have to stop doing that oh linking to that was the time you know when you're younger you always try to keep up with your sisters or your siblings and and it it kind of turns you into a cooler person i think i agree keeping up with the older kids yeah faster stronger yeah yeah yeah and so i put i was a

gymnast like i mentioned and i was good but then i basically grew tall um but i remember like making the team and i came one day with Lee Press on nails on because my sister probably was like going to prom or something so I put them on and there's a thing called the tumble track

which helps you practice your tumbling but it's essentially on level easy you know because if you're performing if you're doing like round off back hands

bring back tuck on the actual floor exercise you could do that back in the day you could do all those flips? I see the girls start in a corner like this. But I was never like a double back or anything like that. But you could do one or whatever?

Yeah. Yeah. But I also was at the level where I was just doing mostly back handsprings or back walkovers or front walkovers or front handsprings. Like I was working on the tuck. I had the tuck. But I also wasn't like always confident uh of it I later became a cheerleader but I would only do back handsprings I would I was never like a tucker

like I got really good at really like oh that was my thing you know I powdered my hands up just went went to work. The vault always seems like the easiest. Just bouncing over something or whatever. I don't know. I mean, no disrespect to pommel horse athletes out there, but I'm not sure why the fuck that's an Olympic sport. It's so hard. It's that. What is the dance all the kids do now?

Oh, yeah. It's that on the fucking pommel horse. That's exactly what it is that's all it is a ripped gymnast is gonna come for you um i'll take it a little five eight uh i oh anyway tumble track on nails and i was doing back handsprings and when i would go down because it's a it's a long trampoline essentially so it makes it fun it's like oh i see okay it's like that makes it easier to do a back sky zone yes but long and there's pads on the side so i do round off and into my first back handspring second back hands

bring all the nails start popping off and then they're just bouncing on the double track and i like to like pick up my nails. And then my coach was like, why would you wear those here? Because then I had to do the bar later and there's one or two left on. And you have to swing and kip up onto the bar, which is like right into your own thighs on the bar. You're digging your own nails that are left.

This is why you have to have short nails as a gymnast and as a lesbian. I'm just going to go through this list i don't i'm really i'm actually starting to sweat i've done a lot of physical you you've been the most physical person i've ever seen on a podcast coffee on my boobs earlier i'm wearing a sports bra i forgot this was taped honestly it's not taped it's video video recorded i forgot it was video recorded yeah it is video recorded so i didn't wear any makeup but i'm over makeup i'm sick of it so let's just keep up with these embarrassing moments how about your high school first love story right here so I fell in love when I was

probably I guess it would have been like freshman or sophomore year I was in speech and debate I was like in the humorous category what it's called speech and debate speech and debate but it wasn't the debate team it was I did the humorous category and it kind of set me up for stand-up in a lot of ways it's just like a 10 minute piece that's humorous and you perform all the characters and you come up with it yourself no you take a play you cut it down to 10 minutes and you play all the characters and it's it's like a one woman show except it was all mostly men so one man show but you would go up and compete against everybody with their 10 minute piece but anyway um the guy i was in love with was two years older and he was also in the humor category went to the same school

he was always like the lead of the musicals and uh so i fell in love with him and um not that he know you fell in love with him yeah it was not unrequited all right um and then we started dating um he left for college um this is he left for we were in love and it was great uh but then i'm never sure like i this is actually comforting to me because he was it's like the guy is always sure he'll be like i love you i want to spend the rest of my life with you and I'm sure because of my upbringing I'm like yeah but not really you know and so I think I was never like totally sure but he went away to college and then one of his close friends went to the college my sisters went to and I was there for like siblings weekend and that guy made out with me and so then I have a guilt problem I can't like lie and so I was like oh

god and I didn't think of myself as a cheater but I was like oh god all it was was a kiss yeah it was kissing I was not just like you know what I mean there was tongue yeah I know what that means yeah I know and so I had to tell him it was, it did suck because it wasn't even worth it. It was just sort of like he kind of came on me and I was probably like, I don't know. I mean, I should take my own responsibility for it. I also participated in not a good decision. But he was also two years older and in college. I was sort of probably enjoying the attention. I have no clue.

And he was already in college. So then, I don't know why I'm going into such detail. But we broke up. And I think he was probably mad at me for a while and i when i it was your decision no no he broke up with me well then why would he be mad well because i hooked up with his friend oh okay he was that yeah about that just from the kiss yeah all right and um so then he started dating somebody else in college but like this is when you couldn't fully stalk but facebook started so you could stalk a little bit and i think he sort of like was just mad at me for that for a while and i still was in love with

him like for years even all through college mostly because then my junior year of college came and he had moved to la and so i was like i'm gonna go visit him in LA I think I was a junior sorry and so um we I went out there for like the step this is like I interned at Steppenwolf theater um the Steppenwolf yeah in Chicago the year prior and then so in between my junior year I was like I'm gonna go to LA and just visit and see what it's like. Cause I was a theater major and I wanted to do stage stuff. And it was an excuse to see him. And we did hook up. Um, and I had been pining for him forever and I would watch like the notebook.

Yeah. And I would watch the notebook and it was like, I was like, this speaks to me and we'll get back together someday. And, and so we did. We hooked up. We're in his place in LA. And I was, what, 20 or something? So gross. I'm, like, really embarrassed. You're really red.

Okay, but I think after we did the deed. That's what you call it. I leaned over to him. He made the service of never bringing it up. You're still in touch with him? Yeah, he came and saw me at the Vegas Cellar. I said to him, it was a line from the notebook, which was just like, I think we should look it up. I from the notebook which was just like i think the i we should look it up with the

exact i said the exact line like i didn't know what i was missing or something like that it's like it's an exact line from the notebook oh do you have enough for you over here after rachel mcadams and ryan gosling sleep together like the later spoiler alert that when they finally sleep back together. It's the morning before he says the classic line. He's like, pancake. Like that. And it's like after they sleep together the first time.

And I'm like hot. And it's along the lines of after they hooked up, I just didn't know what I was missing. And I said the line from the movie and it's just like cringe. What did he do? I think he just laid there or laughed because he probably saw, he probably saw this movie who did it. Oh man.

It's such a good movie though. What if I leaned over to him and I was like, if you're a bird, I'm a bird. You should have leaned over and said, I used to queef as part of the ship. I really am hot thinking about it. It's like after they hook up in the bed of her new house. Or the house he built her. Sorry if that was anticlimactic for a lot of people.

Well, I want to talk about, you have some early, I guess, sexual experiences, sort of coming of age stuff right here in this little chunk right here. I'm trying to think about the earliest. Well, you said you my neighbor yeah when my neighbor got me into humping like her specifically but humping her how was she i don't remember we must have been like in first grade or something you guys same age yeah and you're going to her house yeah and just hump like basically laying on each other

and you said you were but then later i felt like this i would feel like that's probably this feels like maybe wrong and then for a little while i was like maybe i'm gay you know and you would just lay on top of each other yeah and no kissing or anything no you never got caught one time i think her mom came in and we were in what you know like at a hotel there's that little part between. Blackbeard's daughter's in here. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. They weren't keeping up with his career at the time. But there's like a bed and then there's that little part between the wall in the hotel room. Some people call it the used condom pit.

Okay. I haven't heard that. This was a home. So we were like in that little area hiding essentially. And her mom came in and she was like girls where are you and then we were like you know probably like hot and then i think we kind of started to cut it out but um she she was always like a little more advanced and i mean she showed me silence of the lambs like in first grade what that little girl did holy shit i was i rode around with

a crochet hook in my basket now i had i put a crochet hook in my basket on my bike in case anybody came for me that was your and one time i had a i had a van or maybe it was at the park yeah or a van pull up next to me this is like terror a van pull up next to me as i'm riding to the market probably get some jolt cola and they leaned over to me and they're like beth like they knew my name i rode so fast into the grocery store and then only later did i realize that i had puffy painted my name on the front of my shirt oh so they didn't know yeah they didn't oops but scary nonetheless that was big back in the day we used to have our name on our shirt, too. And that was when Adam, the poor boy that was kidnapped and killed. And when his dad came out, it was all these things of don't put your fucking kid's name on their shirt.

Because it's a stranger can walk up and they don't know any better. I'm like, hey. My mom put them on every fucking shirt we had. She was like, take them. My shit's with Ryan on the sleeves. In case you missed me and I walked by, I was on the back. You didn't know, but she had written like free. Oh, my God.

So then this one's interesting here. You had a big crush on somebody. Oh, yeah. My cousin. He was technically. He was technically like my mom's cousin's son, Tommy. That's like, I know it's not a second cousin. That's what I call it.

But it's like some removed shit. Yeah, it would have been fine. It was probably the first removed. It would have been fine. Your kids wouldn't have been. But you all would have been. Did he know that? Yes, I would like run around trying to kiss him.

He was older too. Yeah. I don't really have a full story about it. You just stopped doing that too? No. I mean, I have a lot of attractive cousins, but I've never tried anything. What about you had a rumor about you in the eighth grade? Oh, yeah.

So because I don't know why I was a late bloomer. Maybe gymnastics. Yeah. But that's the thing. I was so fit for so long. I've always had like a strong base because I was a gymnast from I think first grade on until I quit,

which would have been around sixth or seventh grade to do like sports and other high school things. So I was always really strong but then flat chested which made me really insecure and like that would be a definite um thing guys would say to me i remember like some guy saying like will you go to the dance with me and i was like no and they were like well you're flat you know what i mean it was like yeah flat anyway yeah you're flat anyway see me at fucking kids parties, motherfucker. I'll put my legs behind my back right now.

I'll kick you right out of the cell. What you don't know is I quiff. On command. I fart on command. You just walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you. But yeah. And so, yeah. What was that?

What was it again? This was an eighth grade room. Oh, right, right. Or what was that? What was it again? This was, uh, an eighth grade. Oh, right. Right. So I was like late bloomer. I didn't really have boobs, which links into the thingy in the butthole night, which was like, which by the way, the paper says dingy in the butthole, which made me think it was something completely different.

It's a big typo. That's a big typo. A dingy, you could possibly get up there. That's a big time. I didn't even possibly get up there. Okay, so yeah, late bloomer, no boobs, but I had like a six pack there for a while. I was very strong, very flexible.

But I was a late bloomer. I didn't get my period, I don't think, until ninth grade. And because of that, I didn't really have armpit hair. I remember my sisters, they used to call me guitar strings because by the time I noticed that I did have armpit hair, it was like seven inches long. By the time I noticed. Yeah. Because I was like, nothing's happening here.

Where would anything else be? And I also didn't have pubes. And so I remember we were drinking in eighth grade one night, just like some Milwaukee's Best. Yeah, that is early. It is early, but I don't remember. At the time, because I don't have an addiction, thankfully, issue, I never was like drinking to oblivion and barfing.

I definitely did a couple times, and I kind of learned my lesson this night. I was just sort of like experimenting, having beers. And I remember mooning all the girls. And then at next day, the rumor spread through school that I had no pubes because I really bent over a little too far on the moon. You know what I mean? I was going to ask. I added a little sun to the A little hoot to the moon. I shouldn't have bent over all the way.

Did it just follow you through school? Yeah, it was so embarrassing. Now you're like, I was ahead of the curve. I grew my boobs with ice cream in college. I grew them as I gained weight. This is a sports this is a sports bra but my boob looks good your one boob my one hey you're really looks but yeah i it was like um yeah i think just being a late bloomer and wanting to keep up i wore padded bathing suits

and those are tough because you get out of the water and it's like like you just drip a bunch of water out and then um i stole my mom's water bra which i have a story about in my stand-up but like the water bra can only do so much like it's gonna it made me inadvertently celibate do you hear it like if you were to push yeah it's like like a little bit yeah um and so then we would party and go down to university of dayton yeah so you talk to your eighth grade yeah and you're going to a college yes a real college not a community college right party yes and how do you do are you with we just walk up into a frat house at eighth grade yeah what are you you're 13 probably and you walked right into a frat house if i i think gymnastics

saved me from... That's just crazy to even think. We never... Well, it's crazy to think that those college guys suspended their disbelief. Yeah. You know, to be like, these girls, they're probably fine. Remember, this little girl that queefed at the party I was at a couple years ago, right? You're all grown up, baby.

I've had my eye on you since I saw you queef the first time. That's something you just don't forget. You know what I mean? A six-year-old queefing in the corner. Can I grab you a dog bum? I mean, you just don't forget that. There are people that still talk about you. They don't even know who you are anymore.

I guess one time I was at this guy's house, man. This little girl came out and just queefed for about three minutes straight and then just left. I've never forgot that yeah we just walked into a frat house okay so who are you with are you with someone i'm with no we walked because our friend lived right at the edge of they used to call it the university of dayton um the students area where there's housing like off-campus housing they called it the ghetto that was the name of it okay and so she lived right up against the ghetto and uh you guys just said fuck it we're gonna walk into a frat house yeah

and you did and i was always the one who was like i'm a bit more of a rule follower and and like i said gen genuinely that definitely made me more timid to experiment experiment with anything or anyone because it's like the minute they touch it they're gonna know that it's water yeah and a bra you know and um and i just wasn't very experienced. I think I got my first kiss maybe at the end of eighth grade or something. You hadn't even had your period yet. Yeah, exactly. You hadn't even had your period yet.

Yeah. Tight as a drum. So I basically. It wasn't when I was getting that, but okay. So one of my girlfriends goes upstairs. Yeah yeah i think we were like three of us here we have to set the two girls i think snuck out of their house three were with me i don't is it is me is this a frat party 30 people in the house or this is just the guys that are there is this a party you walked into or you just walked into a frat house it was like maybe yeah i remember it just being very dark and nighttime and like i think they were hanging yes it was a

party i can't like i just remember things i'm like how many people were there and it was like it wasn't packed it wasn't crazy packed but there were other people kind of walking around milling about and a college kid goes upstairs was my one my friends. Eighth grade friend. Yeah, she did have honking tits. Yeah, they were big. And so they went upstairs. One of my other friends made out with some other guy. Then the cops came. So I got in a closet with some guy.

They knew enough to hide the babies. But are cops there because underage kids? Turns out, yes. Really? Because two of our other friends hadn't met up with us yet. I mean, I think this was early cell phone days. Like, tick, tick, tick, tick. Yeah.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Hi. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so it was like, we probably didn't know where they were, but they ended up calling the police because they thought we were lost we'd all been drinking not a ton one of them definitely now

has a problem so she probably drank more and i'm just realizing yeah but um and called the police they came where we were and it's kind of like good they did that i guess hell yeah you know so you got one girl's upstairs another girl's making out with a hiding in a closet with the guy and i'm kissing him but it sucks and you can tell he doesn't really want to maybe be kissing me i mean i was just sort of like uh but i also was like don't touch my boobs because they're fake you know and it was like because i'm in eighth grade don't ask me about anything but cartoons i don't know yeah right what's an sat um so yeah and i i made out with him a little maybe kind of touched my boob i have no clue and then i can't remember if he went for my butt but basically my friend amy was like he fingered

my butthole and i was like you went upstairs you know the guy she was just making out with maybe nearby maybe another closet i forget where they went. How much time did he get over there? I'm just sort of like, and I just remember being like, you don't have to let him. Yeah, right. You can say, hey, now. Right. But I think he was like, and then maybe mine was like going down like this a little bit on my butt crack.

And I was sort of like, from then on, I was like, what is it with college guys and buttholes? I was going to say, what is it with that specific eternity? Right. I think they were kicked off campus. And I don't know if it was sort of like, from then on, I was like, what is it with college guys and buttholes? I was going to say, what is it with that specific eternity? Right. I think they were kicked off campus. And I don't know if it was because of us. I think it was other things, too. But I do believe that they were. Underage girls.

Yeah, one of the guys' name was PJ. I remember that. Classic PJ. Classic PJ. And so the police come. They take us away. They do. Yeah.

They set us in this conference room of the police station. They took you back to the station, not home? Even though the girl was right there? I don't remember the car ride. And not because I was drunk. Right. I always maintain. You know what I mean?

There are definitely times where I absolutely got out of control and barfed or blacked out. Like, yes. But I was timid or tentative about it. And so I don't remember the car ride necessarily, but I remember being there. The cop slammed the phone book down on the table, and he's like, call your parents. And I was like...

This is the yellow pages. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, call your parents. And I was like, I know the number. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? So I was like, I don't really want to call my parents. And I was like, I know the number. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? So I was like, I don't really want to call my mom.

She's going to be pissed, obviously. She was really just more worried. My dad's a piece of pizza outside. In Orlando. We ain't going to get him. Three hours later, he's probably up. He's a breakfast burrito by now.

Breakfast burrito. So my mom came and she looked tired and upset and very pretty she's so pretty and then um she was just like upset with me and pissed like you could have been hurt and then she's right could have been way more than her yeah and she's right so yeah we were dumb we didn't do that again but i didn't really want to do it i'm not saying they made me it was just sort of like this doesn't feel it wasn't like my fun right time to go do that but um yeah then it went down his fingy in the butthole night jesus christ fingered her butthole yeah i think i think my other friend saw pj for a little bit dated him like i think saw him a couple more times the college guy i I think so.

Because she ended up dating a senior later. And, of course, got hell for it. Yeah, I mean. He's the one who should have got hell for it. Yes, exactly. He should have been the one that got hell for it. Women. They're always trying to.

I can't get over that. Keep us down. There's so many more. I want to hear about sorority rush hell. Okay, so I was in a sorority for about two weeks. I thought you were going to say years. They're always really nice to me still. The one I chose was filled with awesome women.

What's it called? A.O. Pie at Miami. They really were. Miami of Ohio? Yeah. Is that where you went there? And they still like, I've had women that still come to my shows occasionally. Like I have good memories with some of those people for sure.

I ended up stopping because I was a theater major and I just didn't have as much time for it. There's no sorority houses there because in that county, more than seven women living in a home together is technically a brothel. Nah. Are you serious? Yeah. So of course the dudes had frat houses, but the women together is technically a brothel. Nah. Are you serious? Yeah. So of course the dudes had frat houses, but the women couldn't have sorority houses.

I think it's seven or 12, something like that. So you have a six-girl sorority then? Well, no. They gave us a hallway of a dorm. I never lived in it because it didn't make that far. But I was in it for a while, and then I just kind of stopped going to stuff. And it was just more like I was paying dues on something to be a part of that I couldn't really even be a part of.

But the rush was freshman year. I think the beginning of second semester or something. And it was just my hell. I mean, like, I don't like dressing up. Like, I know guys do fucked up shit. But I've seen some shit where women get crazy. The girls get crazy. This was more like formal interviews.

Like it was more like dressing up in your nice stuff, which I'm not saying I was wearing rags or whatever, but I wasn't the girl that like, I definitely remember getting gifted by my grandma. Like one of those Vera Bradley bags that was very popular. Miami was known as like the girls and Uggs and Vera Bradley bags or like Tory Burch or it's a lot of rich girls. And I just wasn't that. And so I eventually I had jobs and I got some of those things like a bag or whatever, but it was never really me. And I remember dressing up and going to these interviews.

And it's just like it's's like never ending revolving interviews. It's like their inner circle, you're on the outside. It's like next, next, next. And you go to different sorority freaking chapter rooms in a building. It's not their house because there are no houses.

And they're like, and have you ever had your butthole fingered? You're in. Can you speak on command? You're in. We're looking for somebody to liven up these parties, god damn it. And then lastly,

what does your father do? Oh man. Because we have a lot of clout here that we like to maintain at Alpha. We're looking for a mascot. Yeah, DZ. Yeah.

So like it was, like it's like sometimes there's questions like from like, I remember Delta Z to be like, what does your dad do? And it's like, how much time do you have? I haven't started stand up yet.

He doesn't raise a fan he does everything else yeah so it was like it was just it kind of made me face um and uh being did it make you feel the feeling of being good enough yeah like maybe not thin enough maybe my clothes weren't right. And my hair wasn't perfect. I didn't know how to do my makeup or whatever. It just felt like I was always had to be funny. Like that was my redeeming quality was that I was the funny one or something.

And that was like all through college. I remember going on a cruise my junior year with my friends or senior year, like for our spring break. And which I hate cruises. but I agreed to do it. I've never been, but so many people say they hate them. Yeah, they're bad. So I did it, and like a random guy that wasn't in our friend group showed up. He was a friend of a friend. His name was Adam, and we spent the whole week together.

And this is me, like I've gotten chubbier. My college years were just like a little chubbier. And I have always kind of yo-yoed, but you know, it's a cruise. You're wearing bathing suits. You're eating upwards seven meals a day. You know, it's like we hung out. We really hit it off. I was having fun. He was like very fit and handsome. And I was still like I didn't like hate myself, but I was chubbier, I guess. And I remember I was like, I think think he really likes me and he was like leaning towards that way and it was fun and then like the last night he was like you want to help me pick out a gift for my girlfriend and i was like like he had led me so far that that sentence was like you've tricked me yeah you know it was like i i couldn't i do think that there was not

maliciousness on his part but i think he had to have used me a little bit but maybe that's how i felt but it was like that definitely made me feel like oh i'm not worthy oh and then yeah um but i've also had a lot of wonderful men in my life. What's this? Can I say that name? Sure, sure. I know. I think I don't know if there's anything good there.

All right. We won't say just in case it's a name. Yeah. I mean, his name is tattooed on my back. So is it really? Why? I loved it. Who was he?

He was my cousin. Yeah, yeah. He was my second cousin. Who was he? He was my cousin. We don't have to talk about that. Yeah, yeah. Second cousin. He was my second cousin. It was a last ditch effort. But no, he was my college crush. I remember the first moment I saw him. It was outside Presser Hall, and I was like, he will be mine.

I was a freshman, and I think he was a junior. And yeah, he had beautiful blue eyes and tan skin. And I was like, that guy i think he was a junior and um yeah it was beautiful blue eyes and tan skin and i was like that guy and he was so funny and so i crushed on him forever and uh and then he graduated i threw myself at him repeatedly and he was always like kind of like now but he always got a tattoo you on my back before you guys even that wasn't yet i had to reveal that later i've had this for six years i've had this for six years. I've had this for six years. We've been together for three months. I've had this for six years. Got this in eighth grade at this frat party I went to in the closet one night.

Listen, I visualize and materialize. Here I am. So you still have a man's name tattooed on your back. Yeah. Sometimes my boyfriend now will be naked, and then he has this great joke where he'll be like, babe, who's Nick?

It just says Nick on your back? No, it's his signature. Uh-uh. You went that far? Yeah. Well, here we go. Here we go. Let's see it.

Oh, yeah. That's a great signature. Really more of a lease. Yeah, let's see it. Oh, yeah. It's a great signature. Really more of a lease. Yeah, let's say so. But, yeah, I have a joke about it. Of course you do. All right, so hold on. So I loved him so much.

That's more of a commitment than dating the guy, I feel like. I thought I was going to marry him. You did. Yeah. How long did you date? Three years. How long did you date before you got the tattoo oh like maybe three or six months months yeah early huh yeah yeah it was early on to try and have it removed never will never will i love it it's staying yeah i mean i'm gonna get him back someday I was like, does your word mean nothing?

You signed me. You signed me, motherfucker. How did he feel about you? He loved it. I think that was sexy and he liked it. Yeah. It was never, it also wasn't like a gross reveal. I wasn't like, look what I did for you.

I was like, I just did this this I thought it was kind of fun oh you didn't go together? no I surprised him with it and I was like look at that and he's like oh my god that's awesome I mean we thought we were going to marry each other are you still in touch? no we haven't talked since we broke up

why? you talked to the other guy I know I think it's too hard I think I made a bad decision how do you not reach out to some this is my question for you is just how in this day and age of immediate contact one degree of separation from almost anyone that's at least on social media how do you every fucking day shower see that goddamn name and not just send an email or something how do you i've thought about it i would think you would but he's married first and oh all right yeah he's married and he has a kid and like i i still his family and i we still follow each other you know because we have like

love for each other i would imagine you know i care about his wife know that his name is tattooed on your back i'm sure she's an avid watcher of all my specials and videos. So, yes, she does know. I hope like hell she fucking just finds out about this right now. I'll get her name. I'll get your name. If you're her, write in the comments section, and I'll get your name under his.

Tag her. And your son's name underneath it. Oh, my God. But, yeah. And then I forget where we were going with that but i eventually got him you did it was the it was the weekend i opened for tom segura at the funny bone and um said how nice tom was yeah he was really really sick like very ill and he was like i'm barely getting through And like, now that I've been a comic and headlining for,

for a number of years, I understand now, like we don't really off. I don't feel like often we get sick and we never can or really, we can't cancel. Really. I've had moments where I was like one moment. I was like,

I might shit my pants. I was so close. I was like before I'm like, I can shit my pants. On stage? It was so close. It was like before. I'm like, I can't go. I don't have time to go. And this, I can't, and I can't trust my butthole. And I went on stage and it does, didn't disappear immediately, but it's odd.

It does disappear. It does disappear. Because it wasn't nerves. It was Vegas. I canceled one. It was my first time to, I brea improv it was gonna be my first weekend it was a like two friday through saturday shows i'm in the shower getting ready uh to go and i literally dropped to my knees in pain like i've never fucking felt before and i'm like i got

to get rushed to the hospital so i call at the time the the gm and i'm like look i'm not making it i'm telling you right now i know this doesn't look good but i don't even give a fuck and ended up having kidney stones oh my god i could they were like are you gonna make it i was like i sent pictures from my the hospital bed like i'm not fucking making it and that's the only time i've ever yeah you know had to cancel yeah tom pushed through and he was kind to me like even in his bad state and because We're both from that area, Southwest Ohio. Yeah, he's Cincinnati.

It was cool. I was happy to get to open. I always thought he was so funny. He reminds me of Nick, of that guy. You get his Tom signature on your back. I'm going to. I haven't told Christina yet, but I will. I invited Nick to the shows to see me open for Tom. And another one of my exes came,

Jason with his wife, because they're from the Cincinnati area. So it's like, I'm friends with some of my exes, but like not the ones that I. And their wives don't seem to mind. She was nice to me. Jason's wife was nice.

Yeah. But anyway, I invited Nick, but this was like before he was ever married. This is right before we, and he didn't come until the last show, of course. He put it off. And then we went and got food afterwards. And then the night just

unfolded and he saw where the funny bone had put me up in the condo. And he's like, you can't stay here. I, when I first got to the condo at the funny bone, Newport on the levee, funny bone, I pulled back. It's where they're put comics in the condo tom was for sure at a first star hotel but i pull back the sheets on the bed it's already damp to touch yeah because the window was open there was like dew and i it's damp to touch i pull back the sheets and there's a one a one long black hair and a piece of hay in my i i called my mom you make the fucking bed i called my mom and i was like you have to bring sheets we're sleeping on these fake pleather couches i don't know why i didn't just get a hotel but i didn't have money i didn't have money and my mom couldn't probably

afford to get his hotel either so then the last night i stayed with nick all my money on this fucking tattoo no that was free tattoo pre we pre we even started dating it was like him coming to see me perform and so you really did get before you started dating no no we were years in the making gotcha i was like i have my sights on you and it unfolded like three or four years later or something i visited him in la at one time then i went back to chicago but you really did get the tattoo at what point three months into us dating dating yeah knowing each other no i knew him for years years years years and i was like he will be mine oh yes he will be and he was yeah for three years unfortunately uh we were long distance the whole time he lived in ohio and cincinnati and i

lived in la and uh yeah it sucks really bad because we just, it was hard to be long distance like that. There was no, it was, I think he admitted at one point, like he started growing resentful of standup. I kind of chose it over everything. It's what we do. Yeah. And, um, and I understand why someone would feel that way. I really, really loved him, but I also wasn't ready to move home and give up.

Uh, I had, I don't think I had gotten any huge breaks. I think I did Conan. And I think that was the only thing really, besides like maybe Chelsea Lately or some other things. But like I wanted to keep going. And Sarah had just asked me to be on her show at Largo. It was like close to me being like, I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.

And so, and then I started, I got this random job at Comedy Central and a guy that was very unhealthy for me sort of pulled me in and moved very quickly. And the next time I saw him... Kind of fall quickly or that kind of speed? Kind of. All right.

But the next time I saw him... But you seem like you fall quick. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I can. Yes. And then I'm like, whoops. I think that's a lot of people. Yeah.

So, you know, you can fall for somebody and you can't always tell whether it's like passion or alcoholism or mental illness. and so uh so um yeah i the next time i the next time i saw nick i broke up with him and it was really sad and i haven't talked to him since my mom and him exchanged letters she told me letters they still write each other i mean not now yeah but um because he's moved on with his life but yeah i think that's like that happens i think you mentioned chelsea and you said here oh yeah the line just says chelsea lately second time what's that all well the first time it's very like gladiator like you get called on the show it's a big deal and then it's like competitive you have to speak up and jump in when you can me six years ago no no me now i'm like yeah I'm like, yeah, I can get in there.

And I've been in enough writer's rooms to be like, I know I'm funny. I'm confident. I'm good at my job. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But when I first moved out here, I was just a standup and I was even more timid. I was even more subtle and dark and deadpan.

And like for me to go on a show like that, it's just ill fitting. I did do my best to rise to the occasion. Joe Coy was with me. Jen Kirkman was with me the first time. They were very kind and great to me. Love Jenny kirk yeah they were awesome to me joyce joe is they both are they're great but big personalities yeah they didn't fully eat me up at all it was like i was fine and and after your first one on chelsea it's she's very much like old day gladiator

it's either like after your first time and so i got to do it a second time but one of the makeup artists i used to serve at the coffee shop that i worked at and i still worked at you know like i you do conan and i went to work the next day the coffee shop glamorous yeah i did chelsea i went to the coffee shop the next day so it's like the makeup artist for chelsea would come and i'd serve her and so she was there and she said, how was it? And right when I got off stage, I was like, oh my gosh, I was so nervous, but it was fun. Cause it was, I was like, my adrenaline was flowing

and I did good. And I wrote my justice for the first time. And she's like, great. And then I left. Then I got a call from the booker. My managers did. They filtered it and said, hey, you know, you're going to go back on this date and just like you know

don't make just go confident like don't mention that you're nervous or anything like that and i was like okay so then i get there i'm already still nervous it's my second time right i was on with it doesn't matter who i was on with they were nice caparulo and braun oler was my second time outside of uh conan was this your second and third television? Yes. I'm still very new to all that. No one understands what that feels like. It's very stressful and scary.

Especially what you see is not what it feels like when you're there. I know that seems obvious, but it's just so different. The booker, right when i get there is like the last time you were here you told chelsea's makeup artist that you were nervous she told chelsea that you were nervous chelsea hates it when people are nervous don't do that and i was like you know what i mean like now i'm like so it was awful going into it and i was like scared and timid and i couldn't get anything chelsea directly said something to me because i had been told at

one point my first time like don't really look at her whatever but the first time i was on chelsea looked at me and she was like hi beth so it was like i was getting messages when she was looked at me i think she's this is what i mean and so she looked at me she's like i bet the second time she said a joke on me which was deserved and fun and i just didn't know how to come back so i was like oh my god she's talking to me and then the booker came over to me and was like you really need to get in there like adding pressure like you blah blah instead of like i don't know helping or something after the first thing you already told me before we started this taping and so it was just like i remember going to the parking garage and calling julian mccullough and he like talked

me off a cliff yeah he did he did he was like it's okay it's not the only thing you'll ever do you're not really built for that right now you did good even just going on that's it's tough it's tough to jump in like that i i um i was at the laugh factory when i did a set i did really well and she was there and i didn't know she was there and she came up to me and she's like hi i'm chelsea ham i was like yeah i know who you are i'm a huge fan i fucking love what you do and she's like um you were really funny and blah blah blah and i was like thank you so much i just went home on a high from having yeah be said to me by chelsea you know? And then Christina.

And then you got a call and they were like, we heard you met Chelsea. And you were nervous. You were nervous. Chelsea hates when people are nervous. You have to quit stand-up. But Christina was working on the show at the time and she calls me, it's a Friday,

and she's like, I'm calling you to tell you something. You can't say anything, but I love you, I want to tell you. I was just sitting here and she said,sea personally walked back and told the booker we have to have ryan sickle on this show right now and i was like oh it's fucking awesome yeah so i tell my manager i'm like you know maybe you could reach out or or expect them to reach out maybe i don't really know and then they wouldn't they never had me on they never had me that's weird oh they'd never have me on the show yeah i wonder why i don't know i guess we could redo the joke it's like chelsea wants on the show but she hates when booker's email about being on the show your booker emailed

about being on the show so you're off the show maybe it is something like that. I think we have time for one more, and I want to hear. Oh, my God. What is this one? Is this me? No, it's not. This is all you. Oh, of course, your dog.

How could we forget? Oh, no. We're going to finish with the dog. Okay. What if it's anticlimactic? I mean, the line is not. How so how old are you first of all this story you know sometimes in my brain i'll just always be like third grade like i i don't know it was it was old enough to walk home alone so and um be home alone after school until everybody got home

um from whatever they were doing extracurriculars or work. We had a code on the front door. You turn the knob. It would be like, turn the knob right, and it would be like zero, one, two, three, digital. Okay. To seven, to the left, seven, six, five, four, to the right. Like you do a combo.

And if you messed up, it would be, and then you have to wait. You have to wait for it to count down. Yeah, you have to wait and then try again. Well, the battery died on it. And I couldn't get in. And I was walking home from school and I had to shit really bad. For some reason,

I know what it was. I go in the backyard and i shit underneath the deck stairs is it like the middle it's after school is it in the middle of the open like if neighbors see you if they want there's a chain link fence yeah those those real obstructed chain link fences that are out there yeah my neighbor was old he was probably like having a nice sit you know and i'll say yeah and uh and then so you're under the and then of course my sister gets home yeah she opens the door and lets the dog out it runs out And then, of course, my sister gets home. Right then. She opens the door and lets the dog out.

It runs out. It eats my shit. Nah. Hey, y'all said don't eat my shit. You didn't say anything about eating anybody else's shit. God damn it. Can't go rub my nose in this one. I'm going to eat this one. Oh, my God.

I'm crying. I'm pouring it down. You know when a dog is going after something? Because it knows it shouldn't have it. You're like pulling its collar and it's like. It's like, you don't know what you're doing! No! I finally kind of got it away from it.

It's not, I don't think. Oh, God. I think it only got an appetizer's worth, but it was sick. It was like, oh, it was bad. Oh, my God. And then when I texted you all of those i think i afterwards i texted you is that i was like is that good enough or something and i was like my only i think i said like you said that one about the dog i said the tough i want to just say i remember what i wrote

i said dog eating my shit was the toughest descent, mostly because I don't think it was necessary to include. Oh, I'm so glad you did. And I'm so glad you came here. And I'm so glad you opened up. These were fantastic stories. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. Will you one more time promote your dates

or whatever we do one more back bend we do one more back bend sweetbeth s-w-e-e-t beth dot com for just dates

and info and then pretty much across social media I'm just beth stelling b-e-t-h-s-t-e-l-l-i-n-g well I love you thank you so much

for coming on here you're the best I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, Ryan Sickler.com. We'll talk to y'all next week. Bye.