The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Brandt Tobler

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

My HoneyDew this week is Brandt Tobler! Brandt has some legendary CrabFeast episodes and if you took anything away from those episodes it should’ve been that Brandt tried to kill his dad. If you don’t know that story, we get into it and we talk about what’s behind all of that. Brandt came with a list of things to talk about so we cover a lot in this episode. I’ll just share the list he sent because his list says it best. Subscribe, download and review! Late bloomer with girls Didn't know how to masturbate Getting an STD Bullying a kid & having him punch me in the face Sending my GF’s parents porn Breaking up with a girl while zip lining Kicking my mom out of my first big show and then having sex in a bed next to her Getting “cheater” carved in my car by my girlfriend Sponsor: Hurry to http://upstart.com/HONEYDEW to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate is.

This episode is brought to you by Upstart. More on that later. We're going to get into the do. But before we do get into the do, I just want to say thank you to everybody out at Denver Comedy Works, all the fans, all the employees, everybody to have me out there. Kaz, Tobler, Jeff Tice, you all are fantastic. So thank you so much, Denver. It was great being out there. Now let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at the new studio, Gene, set up, doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler.

You can find me on all social media at ryan sickler my website's ryan sickler.com go to the website sign up for my email list check out the tour dates uh everything you need to know ryan sickler is there this show the honeydewpodcast.com is the website merch social media links uh weekly posts. You can stream from there. Make sure you sign up for your mom's house YouTube page. And you guys ask me a lot, what's the best way to help the show? And the best way to help the show is to engage with the sponsors. So keep doing that. We can keep bringing you this.

And, you know, I get a lot of messages, a lot of emails, and I thank you all for every single one of them. It means everything to me. I can't always get back to all of them, but I read almost everything, and I appreciate it. I appreciate that this is moving you guys, and we're highlighting the low lights, as I always say here, laughing in the face of adversity. I'm a huge fan of the underdog, and if you are new to the show, the show is the stories behind the storytellers. That's what this is really all about. And today, my storyteller, first time here on the Honeydew.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brant Tobler, everybody. Welcome to the Honeydew. Thank you. I'm going to get my arm out of this new setup over here. Thank you for having me. It is good to be here in the studio. Yes, it's great to get you on here. You obviously had some legend.

If you haven't listened to any of the Crab Feast, go check it out, but especially Brant's episodes, absolute legendary stories. And before we get into some of this stuff today, please plug, promote everything you'd like. across the board on all social media. B-R-A-N-D-T-T-O-B-L-E-R. You can find my podcast, The 31. Everywhere there's podcasts. I'm doing four a week now. We do the Classic 31 Monday, Thursday. I do a podcast with my girlfriend called Dead to Us on Tuesdays.

And then on Wednesdays, I do Craigslist Chaos where I just call people on Craigslist for an hour. And it is chaos. It's very, uh, it gets very interesting. So we're putting out a bunch of content. I built a studio in my, in my house. And, uh, so yeah, that's where you can find me. I'm on the road. Um, all the time. Yeah. Next dates. I'm like at the MGM in Vegas, December 9th through the 15th is the next like a long week. So, so well thank you for being

here thanks for having me had some good times the feasters are the best i still i mean i can't do a show without them yelling shit out i love it and rightfully so because uh going back to your very first episode you told a story that i'll never forget i know the fans have never forgotten but your dad was not a good person at all, and you told a story about you and your brother and cousin trying to kill him, legitimately trying to kill him. And if he would have drank the Jamba Juice with the penicillin, he'd be dead.

But you guys got the wrong flavor, and he refused to drink it. And plan B was beat him to death with a golf club but he somehow got away now i know that sounds crazy and like you kids are pieces of shit but i'm telling you if you listen to that episode by the end of that episode man you are root i was rooting for you i was like kill that mother um so you've had quite a hell of an upbringing. And one thing I don't know that we've ever really got into so much is with your dad being so absent, like what was your relationship with,

with your mom? Like, and cause she was a single mom. Yeah. Until, until Ronnie Huff and Ronnie Huff and Dick, bro, Ron Huff and pussy. Until he showed up.

But raising two boys, what was it like? How did it affect you with women in your life and dating? And what was your relationship with like with your mom like? Well, you know, I didn't know. My mom did a great job about kind of sheltering us from everything bad that happened. I didn't know about all the bad shit my dad did till I decided to write a book. So I wrote a book called free roll if you want to check it out. Yeah. How, how, but that was only a few years ago. Yeah. So, but you found out even

more. Yeah. So I didn't know until I'll never forget. My brother works at Cracker Barrel and my mom, we sat outside, I said, mom, I'm going to write a book. And I'm sure she's like, what are you talking about? And, uh, so we sat outside Cracker Barrel and then I just said, Mom, I'm going to write a book. And I'm sure she's like, what are you talking about? And so we sat outside Cracker Barrel. And then I just said, tell me from the beginning. And then she told me all this stuff just about my dad, about how my mom was supposed to marry another guy. And then she met my dad. And he talked her into not getting married. And my mom was supposed to leave the wedding, the day of the wedding.

My dad was supposed to go pick her up at the back of the church. And they were just going to take off wait your mom was going to go so hold on my mom was my mom had like uh where is this this is in wyoming this is where i grew up in shan wyoming so my mom had like a high school boyfriend and then and he was like a rich dude and like kind of in the community like a well-known dude and then my grandparents were like had money and they were at the country club but my mom was attracted to like bad boys and she met my dad like maybe a month or two and she didn't want to marry this dude she just felt like she had to how old was

she at the time like right she's like 18 19 so then my dad uh convinced her like don't don't marry this guy so they came up with a plan like my dad went with my mom through the church to make like an exit plan and then my mom introduced him as the photographer in the wedding wait he was gonna what the fuck he wasn't just gonna pull up outside and throw the door open go come on sir and no that's what he was supposed to do but they pre-planned it so my mom and and dad walked through the church so they could make a plan how she would exit that like a couple days before or something so then they and they create an exit strategy so there was an exit strategy and then um my mom she said

the day of and she's like so she's running off with the photographer yeah so she's in in the uh you know getting ready for the wedding with her bridesmaids and everything no one knows it and my dad was supposed to um come get her they had this plan and then park across the street and then my mom like an hour before the wedding you know she told her bridesmaid and her and my grandmother that she just needed like a minute alone just to get ready and then um that's when she was going to bolt. And then she went and looked out the back of the church. And then my dad wasn't there,

which was like symbolic of my life. So then my mom, so my mom was like, she just went and got married. And she said she, it was awful because the guy she was marrying got, they did the bachelor party the night before and he got drunk as shit and took like horse tranquilizers.

So he was like fucking out of it during the wedding. So then the wedding ends and they're supposed to go to the reception and my mom takes her best friend and my sister to the bar where she knew my dad would be at and drove to that bar and fucking screamed at my dad. Like, where were you? We were supposed to leave. And my dad was already at and drove to that bar and fucking screamed at my dad like where were you we were supposed to leave and my dad was already drunk and like whatever so then my mom goes on her honeymoon with this dude and then when she so then when she comes back she starts seeing my dad

again and then this dude finds out and then eventually my mom would sneak over to my dad's house and she was laying in bed with my dad one day and then her husband like broke through the window what and like right above their bed like i didn't feel any of it on the fucking horse trunks yeah and then uh really the glass is shattering down on their head yeah and then my dad was like uh he was naked so he had to get up and like try to fight him but then he was like let me put on pants and then just straight trailer white trash and then my mom's husband tried to keep making it work but then my mom would just sneak away and was in love with my dad and then eventually my mom just went away for the weekend with my dad and when she came home my grandma

and her husband everyone was waiting for and then they all yelled at her and then uh she finally just got a divorce and that poor guy which he's like a multi-millionaire would have changed her life instead she gets involved with my dad who's the biggest piece of shit ever so we almost dodged it we we almost dodged a bullet early yeah no matter what you're coming out of your mom yeah my mom said that she went to my grandfather and he took him to get a divorce and then took him to get ice cream was how it ended with the first husband she's like we signed the divorce papers walked out of the the court uh downtown and then my my grandfather bought them both like an ice cream cone and then she said separate ways and and he went on with his life to start businesses and then no he was in he's from my hometown so he was around but then uh you know then my mom went with my dad and then but then it was all you know then my dad was

became he was working for the railroad with his dad and brother and then he uh he started selling drugs and being a bookie at this strip club and then uh and then he eventually got arrested and and then but my mom hit all that like i was gonna say none of this you knew so i didn't know any of this until my mom um until my mom told me this outside like i said outside a cracker barrel and i didn't i don't i didn't even register with me till i wrote the like on the porch of the crack yeah we were sitting outside on those rocking chairs watching people line up to go cry i'm like give me some more of those so then uh yeah we uh so i it didn't really hit me so then my mom just told me how bad he really was all the bad stuff and how she just kept going back to him and how she he got her to like try

crack and all this shit and she was just like in love with them and then uh eventually but it i didn't know any of it and then it didn't even affect me when i entered i interviewed my mom pretty much and got all the stuff and then when i recorded the audio for my book i was reading about all the bad stuff that my dad did to my mom and then just reading it and i and these two wonderful women helped produce the audible book and then uh they uh and then i just started bawling when i was reading it out loud and then they of course start crying which makes me laugh because luckily they did it for free because they were friends but i was broke when i made the book so i knew these rapper dudes that were going to kind of let me do it in the studio and i always

imagined what it would have been like if I had just started bawling while I'm reading this book and they'd have been like fuck you pussy our dad sucks too you could be in a bitch so uh you know my mom did a good job but is this from like a diary that your mom kept or was it from the recorded interview you did

with your mom so then I recorded the interview with my mom did you record the interview and release it as an episode or is it just no no for the book and by record i mean i just wrote hand wrote it out and then um so then i translate all the stories into the book and then um but like i said i don't know what it was about reading it and then i would just get choked up reading it like because my dad would like beat up my mom but there's an awful story in there about my dad like uh because he would have these champagne and cocaine parties in the morning that's what he called it and then all the morning yeah all his shitty friends would come over in the

morning and then one time he just and my mom was like yelling at him and my the craziest thing is my mom said to me she goes one time around i was just laying there in bed and i was like i just want to kill this motherfucker so bad. And she's like, that's not me. I never had a gun. That's not my lifestyle. And she's like, I just wanted to kill him. And you're like, leave it to us.

Yeah. Don't worry. We're going to try to get him with some penicillin. Just let me grow up. And then she told me this awful story about him. Just like when he said she wanted a divorce and he just like beat the shit out of her and then he and his friend was like coming and then he like hit her like knocked her to the floor and then just opened the door and hit her head with the door and one of her shitty

his shitty friends like just came in and just stepped over her like she was nothing and then that's when so then my dad left to go to work because my dad moved her out of my hometown because he was cheating on her all the time and everybody knew so he just moved her like 50 miles away and put us in this little town 50 you said yeah it's out there yeah so like uh so no one from like my grandparents anyone could tell her what's going on and then she eventually then my dad uh after that time then my dad left and then she she would have to walk with me and my brother in a stroller to get groceries and it was like cold and shit she said one time i saw this like battered woman poster at the grocery store and

then she's she's like i'm i'm going and then she walked she loaded up all her shit and walked us to the grocery store and then they uh the battered women people picked her up and then really but she didn't know like that's only for like a night so she didn't know what to do i see and then like a dumb girl in love she always defended my dad to her mom and then she had to call my grandma and be like you were right he's the worst and then my mom had to my grandparents had to come pick us up and then we lived with my mom but like i don't i don't remember any of that so honestly i thought people are like you had the worst child i was like i had a good i don't remember anything bad you know and then mom shielded you my mom was great at protecting me from all that and then um yeah and then so then he once he went to prison you know

then i would never he would like i said he'd get out all the time but then he would he would just show up and he'd start dealing drugs against we had a bunch of money so he was like the coolest which wasn't fair to my mom and stepdad who were like hard working trying to give us a better life and then my dad would just show up and spoil us and then like what i said on the crap piece and my dad would go back to jail and promise us all this shit. And then my mom would have to go buy it and go to the UPS blocks from my house and mail it to our own house to try to cover for my dad. And then my dad is such an asshole that my mom is eventually like... So then he just kept ramping it up and promising us more expensive shit.

Go get you that motorcycle you want this year, kids. Not just like Ferrari. You're like, Kyle Ripken, I'll get him to come to the house. Kyle Ripken's coming here for Christmas. So then eventually, that's the shit he would do. Then my mom would eventually like, you know, David, we can't come through on these promises. But then that's when my dad told me that the UPS man was stealing our packages instead of. But then that's when my dad told me that the UPS man was stealing our packages instead of.

So he just, you know. So he. So, yeah. You know, I didn't have a bad childhood at all, honestly. And then I had a great stepdad. Yeah. Yeah. The only bad part was my dad would promise that he would come.

So, like, the only bad memories I have is, like, he would always say he'd be there. Like, if we had my birthday party at a roller rink or something, I remember just always looking at the door. Because he would always say he's coming. He's always say he'd be there. Like if we had my birthday party at a roller rink or something, I remember just always looking at the door. Because he would always say he's coming, he's always coming, or my high school graduation. And, you know, eventually by about high school. But I still, you just want to believe in your dad. So even at like high school graduation, I was looking at the doors because he was like, I promise, son, I'll be there.

And, of course, he was never there. I mean, that's years of just looking at that door. Yeah, just looking at that door. Yeah. Just looking at that door. And then, but my mom and grandparents and they were always great about it. Um, but yeah,

he, you just get, you just, but then I think that was like the final straw and like graduation and stuff. I was like, Oh, he, come on man.

You're a grown ass man. But then of course when he reached out to me and my mom, you know, my mom was good once again she never told me not to talk to him which she probably should have but i think if you i mean i'm not a parent but i think my mom just always believed that he would get his shit together because he's such a smooth talker he's charming he he's just good at that shit so i think my mom always just believed but then you know we we ran out of that's why people are like i hate my dad and people are like well you should give him another chance it's like we gave him a million chance we're done with chances he's out of chances listen i am

you know i reconnected with my mother after all that and and i agree there are some people look man that you've had chance after chance after chance if you if you don't want it you don't want it you can't make a lot of people think it's just as simple both people have to really want that yeah and then work at that yeah it's not like well even if you were ready to give him another chance he might not fucking want it you know it had it takes two people to do it well yeah well and and i wouldn't i'm the last things i remember saying to my dad is just screaming at him he's at the top of the stairs drink Drink it! Drink it! No, but I was like, you won't be at my wedding.

You'll never meet your grandkids. I fucking hate you. And that's just how it'll always be. And, you know, people like on that side of the family have cousins and people. But and then like my grandparents are still alive, but I don't talk to anyone really on that side of the family, which it hurts their feelings. But I just don't want my dad. Yeah, I don't want my dad in my life at all. You know, and then I always he could show up at any, you know, I do.

He lived in Vegas. I don't think he lives in Vegas anymore. But I mean, I was on 50 foot. You don't even know where he is. I don't know where he lives. I heard he moved somewhere else, but I used to talk to my uncle just to kind of try to keep tabs just because i would like to know but i mean i have people always ask me what would you do if you saw him i would just say oh you know hey i'll be right back i just got to go to the bathroom real quick yeah i'd love to talk to you whatever and then i

would just bounce but i don't want to meet you out back yeah never show yeah yeah yeah payback it all comes full circle you know how it is i'll meet you in just a little never show your mom yeah yeah payback it all comes full circle you know how it is i'll meet you in just a little bit dad so yeah so you know my mom was um so she's raising you the whole time and where are you guys living we live so then from that point we lived with my grandparents okay and then her parents yeah her parents and then they helped get my mom back on her feet and like because my mom didn't go to college or anything. And then she, my grandfather was a appraiser and then they, she became his secretary. So then he, you know, my grandparents were amazing and they took care of us. And my mom just had to, you know, just go tail between her legs.

Like I need you guys now as much as she didn't think she did. And then, um, so yeah yeah then my mom started doing good and then my grandfather hired my stepdad to be an appraiser and then he started hitting on my mom so your stepdad's name is ron huffendick ronnie huffendick unbelievable ass name and uh and he he okay so i knew he was an appraiser because i remember making jokes about him appraising shit but that's why he was an appraiser cause I remember making jokes about him appraising shit, but that's why he's an appraiser. Cause your mom's dad hired him. Yeah.

So he was an appraiser and then my mom's dad hired him and then he. So your dad inadvertently ended up hiring her second husband. Yeah. My grandfather did. Yeah. That's how they met. Yeah. Yeah.

So then that's how they met. And then he was a good dude. And then he, you know, he stepped right in how they met. And then he was a good dude. And then he stepped right in. And then he would always, he was like my mom. He just covered for my dad just as a team. They just tried to protect us. So I had a great childhood. I wish, I don't wish, but people are like, God, it must have been, no, my life was great.

Only because my mom and stepdad. Because you had good people in it. Yeah, they did a good job. And I'm from a small town. I mean, my town, you know, if you get in trouble in my town, it's in the papers. So people knew who my dad was. So my coaches, my teachers, they didn't tell me later in life, but they're like, we knew your dad.

And they, looking back on it, they, my parents, my mom and stepdad were great. But then the community helped. You know, that's where I'm from in Wyoming. Everybody just takes care of each other. So I didn't know any of this shit. I had a great life. But how long were you before Ron comes into play? How long is that?

So like probably five to like seven. Okay. So pretty quick then yeah all right so but but once again i don't remember any of that like i don't really remember anything five six maybe going to school riding a bike like cool shit i don't i don't have any when did it start to hit you and affect you like middle school high school well it hit me when my after we try to kill the ups man and then shout out the ups baltimore primary one joe avenue because i didn't know and then my mother cut out all the paper clippings from my dad when he got arrested so to just quick backstory your dad's telling you shit like the ups guy is stealing the packages

i'm sending you he's not delivering them, but I am sending them. So you guys are young kids that decide we're going to kill that fucking UPS man. So my dad's like, they're coming. Because they were always coming in the beginning when my mom would send them. But then my dad would just promise outlandish shit my mom couldn't afford. But instead of my dad. Did you get the tiger? Yeah.

Did you get the tiger guy? Instead of my dad being like a man and just saying I can't do it, he kept promising. So then we'd come home and they weren't there. The packages that were always there weren't there now. So we were accustomed to getting them. So then I'd ask my dad, hey, dad, where's our packages? And then him being the piece of shit that he is, he said,

I'm sure the UPS man is probably stealing your packages. Because we would get our packages and we'd open it up in the front yard. We'd be so happy to get a package. My dad flipped that to, I bet the UPS man sees you opening your packages in the front yard and seeing all the cool shit I get you, he's probably taking those to his kid.

So then goes to what? How old are you then? Now I'm like 10. Now I'm like 11 or 12. But that's what comes. At E.T. age when all the kids are in E.T. You got your bikes and shit. That's what comes to us killing my dad is because my dad tells that crazy story.

My dad comes home and he takes us swimming at the local swimming pool. And I'm showering in the swimming pool. I'm showering in the locker room. And then he sees me showering. And he says son get out of the shower and he says son every time you take a shower from now on put the water on as cold as it can go and then get in that cold water and shadow box until you count to 15 and i was like dad why would you do that and he's like son the way your body reacts when that cold water hits

it is the same it'll react when you get stabbed if you get stabbed you'll be able to fight for 15 seconds 15's all you got you better be accurate you better study accuracy me and my brother are like fuck this upi i bet this ups kids kids aren't taking cold showers so we we ride our bikes up to this restaurant called the owl inn that was up the street from my house some hardcore prison knowledge right there. Yeah. For real. And we steal steak knives out of this restaurant.

We drop our bikes off and say, hey, can we- From the Owl Inn? The Owl Inn was a famous restaurant up the street. So we go up and say, hey, we need to use the restroom. And me and my brother steal steak knives. And then we, there's these two- Like those old wood handles. Yeah.

There's these two badass kids in my neighborhood that were always down for any kind of shit so then we came up with a plan to follow the ups man on our bikes and then when we got to his house if the kids had our toys we're gonna stab the kids take our toys back which is so bad on some first of all just riding a bike with a steak knife was an awful idea you know you hit a bump it could have been a wrap and then like of course ups you can just follow the ups truck yeah until he so then ups guy drove the truck so we could always keep up to him because he's doing deliveries then he got back to the ups place got in a green truck and drove you know he lost us in like three blocks thank god and then we went and we rode our bikes up to the lake

and threw the knives in the lake because I think we saw it on a movie or something to hide the murder steak knife. So that, so then. Your dad didn't give you some prison shit tips to get rid of knives? He just gave us. You want to break it and throw it in two locations. He gave us other weird shit, like if you have extra food at lunchtime, only give it to white people.

That's what they tell you. Which is weird. Weird to tell a fourth grader. So then my mom, I think, caught whiff of that story and then she realized. So at that point, I'm like 12. And my mom says, come on, I need to tell you something. And she took me in. I'll never forget into her room.

And she had a waterbed. And I sit on this waterbed and she pulls out this manila envelope of folders. And she just handed it to me. And she was like, you know, I'll come back in a little bit. And I opened it up. And it was all the newspaper articles of my dad getting arrested and like getting sentenced and everything. That's how she dropped it on you? So then I read them all.

And then she came back in. And then i read them all and then she came back in and then you know i was like upset i just i couldn't really it took me and then i asked she's like if you have any questions and we talked about it but then still she didn't say it was a bad person she just said he's a good person that did bad stuff you know she still was like covering for him and then mom's a saint and then i went to junior high and then and wanted to be like black and gangster and shit so then i was first to say oh yeah my dad's in prison i thought it was probably cooler in like junior high street cred yeah and then like i said my dad would show up just with wads of money and let me buy you know knowing he's a shitty parent he

would you know he would there's times i mean he would i remember he'd take me to the mall and then he'd give me like 200 cash and i i didn't have a wallet or anything. I was a kid. So I put it like in my brand new fitted hat. And then my dad would leave and I'd go to mini mart and buy just shit for all the candy for, but I mean, I shouldn't have had $200 when I'm 12, 13 years old. So then, um, yeah. So that's how my mom stretches. Are we talking about a couple of years? You wouldn't see, well, he would just show up. That was the bad part. And that's what my mom... What kind of stretches are we talking about? A couple of years you wouldn't see? Well, he would just show up. That was the bad part. You never even knew. And that's what my mom hated.

I'd be in the yard playing, and then this car would pull up with a different girl every time. My dad always had different girls. So then he would... My mom learned a lot about from the book, too, because my mom didn't know that my dad would take me to this hotel by his favorite bar, and then he would just let us go across the street to the convenience store and buy us whatever we want i just get all the candy and and then box of baseball cards then he just leave us in there and then go to the bar and try to you just eat the candy and watch movies and

shit and then he'd come back and check on us and go get us more candy like like that's he hooked my dentist up so good in life because my teeth were fucked up because that was that was my dad's style of babysitting is just starbucks and candy i mean starburst in a hotel so in the shady ass hotel and then so um but i just remember that's another one of the things i remember my dad would come he'd have a lot of money always have a different hot girl with them and i'd meet these girls just like oh yeah these guys are so cute me my little brother, we were just getting spoiled and attention. We didn't, you know, we were like, so we didn't, once again,

we thought it was cool when my dad came, but my mom didn't like it. You know, she told me later he would just show up and then if we had plans or something, my mom would always cancel it to, like I said, she'd always try to, to let us have that relationship, you know, hoping that he would change it. And then, and then like I said, she'd always try to let us have that relationship, hoping that he would change it.

And then, like I said, then he disappeared. He was supposed to come for high school graduation, but I didn't see him from 14 to 20. Damn, really? Okay, so six years gone. Or maybe he would come once, but usually I just wouldn't see him. Then I was just like you know his parents back then were a part of my life so then they would everybody would cover for him all your

dad's doing this you know once my mom once i knew you could tell me he's in college when i'm like seven but when i'm 15 i'm like he's not in fucking college he's in jail like he i then i knew what collect calls were and shit like so everybody just um his family and my family tried to just shelter just protect us and i think just in their defense always believed that he was you know because he's just awful like one time he told me he convinced my grandparents he had cancer his parents and they gave him like ten thousand dollars he went to vegas and just plowed through it in like three days and then came back he's like i'm cured i think i fixed it i was at the he does awful he's an awful person that is fucking terrible that's his own parents he does

so he's awful like i i need to talk to dr drew Drew, see how he would diagnose everything I've been through. But so he was just bad, you know, and then he was just a bad dude like that. And he just so yeah, then he, you know, when after we tried to kill him, they disappeared. And then I've never heard from him. But someone talked to him. So how long has it been now? Since that day, probably like 19 years. I think I was like 22, 23. So he, one of his friends went to like find him

because he said he didn't want to talk to me. He was like a recluse, I guess, and just wanted to be alone. And then I guess one of his, so what I last heard is his friend took him to like Tacoma or something, but I don't know what he's doing. You don't really even know where he is if he's there or not. No, I think he's in Tacoma. I mean, honestly, I don't care. I really don't care at all.

People will be like, like on Father's Day, maybe I'll think about it, but I don't care. It's not like I had a good stepdad, and it's not something that bothers me at all. I'll talk about it here. We laugh, or I talk about it on stage. I love it. It got me on Comedy Central.

It was better for my career in some weird way. Like, got me on This Is Not Happening, you know? So, but I don't, my brother's much sweeter, nicer dude. I don't know how he feels about it, but I'm like, I really don't give a shit. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our sponsor, Upstart. As most of us have found out the hard way, getting into debt is easy and getting out

is hard, especially if your credit score isn't great. Thankfully, now there's Upstart.com, the revolutionary lending platform that knows you're more than just your credit score, and they offer you a smarter interest rate to help you pay off high interest credit card debt. You guys have heard me say it a bunch. I wish I had this back in college. I just credit carded everything from rent, groceries, bills, all of it. And then boom, next thing you know, your credit starts going in the tank and you need to get help. All right. Upstart goes beyond the traditional credit score when assessing your credit worthiness. They actually reward you based on your education

and job history in the form of a smarter interest rate. Upstart believes you're more than just your credit score and they believe in you and they understand that. They make it fast, simple, and easy to check your rate in just a few minutes. And the best part, once the loan is approved and accepted, most people get their funds the very next business day. The next day, damn it. Over 300,000 people have used Upstart to pay off credit cards or meet their financial goals. Free yourself from the burden of high interest credit card debt by consolidating everything into one monthly payment with Upstart. See why Upstart is ranked number one in their category with over 300 businesses on Trustpilot and hurry to upstart.com slash honeydew. Again, that's upstart.com slash honeydew to find out how low your upstart rate is.

Checking your rate only takes a few minutes and it will not affect your credit. That's upstart.com slash honeydew. Now let's get back to the show. But just going through school and everything, middle school, do you you know were you were you shy were you back where did your mom talk to you about sex like what was that like oh well or was ron the guy no ron didn't do the talk i was like he's got dick in his name he should have to be the one who does the goddamn sex you know as far as like girls i was late late bloomer like i remember what's late so like ninth grade so like when i was in seventh eighth grade my friends would go to parties

and they would and i would be like that dude that would just drink orange soda and like eat oreos and jump on the trampoline till i was covered in sweat and then i'd go home with my friends and they'd be like oh i, I fingered Carrie. And it's like, I'd fingered, you know, Sarah. What did you do? I was like, oh, I didn't do it. Yeah, I'm covered. So I finally,

all my friends are like doing stuff sexually. No one was really getting laid that much. But, and then I remember in ninth grade, like towards the end of my ninth grade, everyone's like, you never kissed a girl. I was like, I have. And they're like, you have? I yeah i kissed jackie lucero and they went and fucking asked her and she's like you made a rookie move i never kissed brent and i was like oh no name the

girl they could go check with so uh and then just right in the lunchroom everyone's like you're you know i never i was scared i was always scared to make the first move like still to this day like i think girls should make the first move i've argued this before like if i had a daughter and a dude came to pick her up i'd be like hey you just go at her pace if she wants to blow you around the corner in 10 minutes that's fine with me i don't care because you know i would talk to my daughter and say, hey. But I'd say whenever she's ready, I'm not going to be mad if she wants to fuck you. If you have to wait, my daughter will be in charge.

But I always think that because it's not like a girl never tried to touch my dick. I'd be like, whoa, let's slow down. But I live in that pretty much until I was like an adult, until like alcohol got involved. Every girl I ever hooked up with in the beginning was like, are you going to kiss me or what? Like I'm the dude that circled around on a porch for hours when girls are like, you fucking nerd.

I remember being in ninth grade and a friend of mine on the soccer team, his sister was in the 11th grade, you know, and she was one of the cool kids, and we were all sitting at the little freshman table, and she came up to clown us, and she's asking everybody if they were still a virgin, and all the guys are saying no, and she's like, you're a fucking liar.

You're a fucking liar. And she asked me, and I was like, I am. And she, like after that, she gave me the biggest hug, and she's like, she just saw me as so sweet. She thought I thought i was sweet and honest and everything she's like you'll get laid before all these fucking guys get laid yeah and she was right she was right for all of them got laid yeah i was just laid on that and then uh what when did you lose your virginity like senior year okay so i had a girlfriend we dated for a long time that was late that was late your well your opinion or for what was

going on around you because i didn't drink in school in high school i thought i was gonna be a pro athlete like an idiot what sport in basketball okay so i was a really good basketball player so i didn't drink or anything and then i uh so and there was a million times i thought i was gonna get laid like we just dry humped forever and then eventually like let's just let them touch each other and then i was like we're close and then like and then i would miss curfew because i think i was about to get laid and then i'd stomp out to my car and then we finally had sex and about a month after we finally had sex we were loving because she was a virgin too and then she was like her family was going to the movie theater and she was like i'm

gonna stay home and study and we were full fucking and her family walked in what mom older sister little brother and little nephew who was like and i'm just full on top of her naked having sex what and her mom just walks in and was like studying i see what you're fucking studying and i had to get up and i had to put all my clothes on and her nephew's like probably three at the time. And he's like my friend. So he runs over. Why does your penis have a hat?

Yeah. So he runs over to be like my friend. And then luckily her dad wasn't there because he was like a mean like Mexican dude that probably would have killed me. But yeah. So then I remember the whole family, all of them just walk in. I'm just full on top of her. And we're both naked. And I had to get dressed.

And then this shows how dumb I was and wanted to keep getting laid. Like I showed up at her house the next day. And I remember her sister just opened the door and just like, you got some fucking balls on you. I was like, I don't know. My dick thought this would be a good idea. I came to say sorry to the pussy. So yeah, that was. That happened to me, not full sex sex but i've told this before but i i uh when

i was i dated a girl in high school and like just a few months in her family moved to indiana when i was a senior in high school i'm 17 at the time it's february i turned 18 in march and i decide i'm gonna take i don't have any parents so i take a greyhound from Maryland to Indiana to visit her. And I didn't know at the time the greyhound was on strike. I didn't know until we were in Wheeling, West Virginia, and people were throwing fucking lettuce and shit at the bus. And we were like, why are they doing that? And the guy's like, we're on strike.

I crossed the picket line. And I was like, holy shit. So it took forever to get there. I get there that night. Her parents are asleep. And it was one of those things where the bedrooms are back here and the hallway comes out like this. Now, the living room is here. Dining room's here.

Kitchen's here. But you could make a right into the kitchen and then just circle through all of it. It's all connected. And I guess, I don't know, we were fully clothed, thank God, but we are going at it. A few minutes more, it would have been trouble but we are dry humping Rocky was on it's off now so snow is remember when

TVs had snow her dad had come out to get a drink in the fridge and saw us and circled through and I'm on top of her and I just hear him go get your ass in your bedroom right now and I fucking froze and she's trying to just hear him go, get your ass in your bedroom right now. And I fucking froze. And she's trying to push me off, you know,

because she's trying to get... Oh, dude. She turned me over and I just was like... Let me tell you something. I laid there like that for fucking 20 minutes. I felt his heat. I didn't move until I heard him walk away and I still thought he was taking a few steps away

and turning around and looking and I fucking just like I went from actively aggressively dry humping to as soon as she turned me over and then the next day I felt sick he was still there

her brother had left her younger brother I move into his room just because I'm out in the living room where everybody is. And I was just like, I'm not doing this. And he opens up the door and he's like, my wife said, you're not feeling well.

I was like, yeah, I don't feel like that. He's like, just shuts the door and leaves. And then he gets snowed in at work that night and I'm leaving the next day. It was like a blessing. I was like that cause I did not want to deal with him again.

You know, I'll tell you, I'll tell you a crazy one. And we said enough stuff, nice stuff about my mom. I'll tell you. Oh, man. It was awful. I'll tell you a crazy one. We said enough nice stuff about my mom. I'll tell you a bad mom story. I love my mom, but she likes to drink a lot. She probably earned that from everything she went through. Her and my brother just get fucked up all the time.

I'm doing a huge show in Wyoming. The first time I do a big show in Wyoming. Is this the first time she's seeing you do comedy? No, she's seen me just do shitty shows, but this was a big deal. I was coming home. It's this beautiful, like 350 seat theater, old historic theater. I, I, I'm doing a show there. It's a big deal. Everyone in town's coming. It sells out. So I, and I was making money in the gambling shit. So I was like, I'm going to fly my mom and brother out. This is like the first big moment of my comedy career. So I buy tickets and my cousin kato the three of them i buy them tickets they all

live in phoenix to come to my show the morning of they get too fucking drunk at the airport they miss their flights so now i have to buy them all new flights they just straight missed it so i'm like you but i want them there it's important so i call them i say get your fucking shit together guys this is my big show come on and then they so they fly to salt lake city they have a layover they just get more fucking wasted they land in denver they're late for my show i'm doing my show i'm on stage and you remember in hoosiers when the drunk dad just stumbles on the court my mom just comes stumbling down there's like a ramp so there's like seats all around and there's a ramp down the middle to the front of the stage my mom just drunk just comes plowing down the stage i'm like motherfucker from stage i might see it someone

get her get her out of here i kick my mom out of my somebody get her out of here get out of here i'm like get her out of here so then i so they so she's out i finished the show i'm hanging out in the lobby everything's good my brother's wasted somewhere i don't know where he's at my cousin they're all just drunk idiots on my big night it's supposed to be my big night we go to i have an after party at this bar we're at the bar so my cousin flew in my cousin's about 5 9 160 he flies in his buddy heat comes who's about 6 3 280 black dude so they. And they're always up to no good in life. We'll just leave it at that. So I go to my after party. I come in. Everyone's happy.

All of a sudden, I see my brother, my little brother, who's about 5'9", same size as Kato. He's wearing Heat's clothes, and Heat's wearing his clothes. I'm like, come here. Come here. They're like, what the fuck happened? He's in the small, tiny the small tiny ass my brother's this big public enemy sweatshirt he's in a tight shirt i go what the fuck happened they go the cops are looking for us we've gotten a fight in the alley they're walking from my show the

after party there's some dude in the alley selling fake cologne my cousin kato brought all this fake money which makes the story more absurd. And instead of just giving this guy a fake $100 bill, he steals one of the guy's things. He freaks out. He punches this dude in the face. All hell breaks loose. They run into the after party, change clothes. I'm waiting for this shit to come.

You know, cops come. They're like, hey, what's going on? Luckily, we knew a cop. I was like, I don't know. They take him out to the car. It resolves itselfves itself small town shit but i'm so mad at them and then i'm like you know what but there was a girl that i was kind of dating at the time that i'd always wanted to have sex was so bad just the hottest girl i was like it was my big night i was big man in cheyenne so i'm like and she's like hanging out with me all night i'm like all right let's go

back to my hotel room she's like we're in i'm going back to my hotel room we're in the elevator start making out we're making out down the hallway just like taking off clothes in the middle of the hallway I'm like this is gonna be the hottest sex I go to open the door it's locked my key won't work so I'm like hold on put your shirt back on wait I'll be back I gotta run down I get a fucking I have to get a new room key I'm open I open the door like here we go I'm gonna fuck the shit out of this girl I open the door guess who's in my bed my fucking mom that's where they took her she's passed out in the bed I have two beds in this room so we so i ended up having to fuck next to my mom you had sex with a girl in the bed next to your next to my mom which was hard the first girl the first

in the morning it was much easier but i was like tennis match fucking just looking over looking over looking over and then the girl was down she was down we had it was uh we had sex that night and then in the morning my mom was so passed out, slept through all of it. And then so I almost got caught by my mom. But I don't think she would have ever woken up. But that's how. But your mom did wake up to you and another girl in bed. No, no, she didn't.

Oh, yeah. She woke up in the morning eventually. But by then we were dressed. She was out of it. Yeah. But it was like that thing now in hindsight. But I really, I just always want to have sex with this girl for like three years so i was like there's like this is happening there's nothing

just don't wake up mom so well you're one of those guys i always say you could talk about one thing for an hour or a bunch of stuff and uh there was a few other things you had sent that i wanted to talk about because i wanted to get it i want to hear about this cheater story oh you ever told that one i don't know if i told it on here but can you tell it yeah of course um so i was living in vegas and then you know when you live in vegas a lot of people just come to town from like my hometown people always visit so it was halloween night and my girlfriend was supposed to be working. And this other girl I knew was in town, and she came over.

She's like, I'll help you hand out candy, trick-or-treat style. So she does, and then we're done with candy, and we end up just start drinking. We end up in my room. We're having sex. I hear the doorbell ring. I'm like, it's a fucking trick-or-treater probably. I put my clothes on. I go down to open the door. Not fucking trick-or-treater probably. I put my clothes on. I go down to open the door.

Not a trick-or-treater. It's my girlfriend. She's fucking furious. I slam the door before she can come in because I don't want them fighting in my house. I go back upstairs hoping that she'll just leave. When I get back up to my bedroom... How does she know somebody's in there?

Is it her car? I think there was a car parked out. Or just maybe she knew something. in there she's her car or what i think there was a car parked out that's it or just maybe she knew something i think it was the car because she when i opened the door she knew and i was like oh no so then i shut the door and then um i go upstairs just hoping that she'll leave and i was gonna try to get this girl out the back or something when i get back up to my hotel my bedroom all i hear outside is boom, boom, boom. And my girlfriend is just ramming the shit out of my car. Ramming it?

She's in her Jeep just blasting it. Just bashing the car? Just bashing. I see the taillights break. The back bumper's starting to fall off. So I call her mom. I'm like, hey, can you get your crazy daughter out of here? So eventually her mom calls her.

And she flips me off out the sunroof and she drives off down the street and i go outside to see how bad it is when i get outside all my back taillights are broken my bumper has fallen all the way off my car and to make shit worse she had taken cheater and carved cheater real big in the side of my car that in the side of your car with a key right which i when i tell this on stage i'm like which was a real cock block for a newly single guy so so for like the next two months i'd see like a girl in a parking lot or stop i'd smile at him and they'd smile back and then they'd see cheater in my car so i didn't get laid for like two months and i would just lay in bed at night so frustrated like i can't buy a new car i can't get a paint job and then one night i came up with this fucking dumb idea in the middle of the night you drove that car i drove it all the time i had to yeah

drove it everywhere everywhere so then i drove it i was like i gotta do something about this shit so one night then i cops aren't pulling you over dudes would laugh girls would look at me like you're an asshole so then I thought I came up with a brilliant plan so one night I went downstairs pulled my keys out and I carved not a cheater

that was your pay job so my card said not a cheater which I thought was brilliant but these women can tell like the different penmanship or whatever. Penmanship. So I still didn't get laid for another month. And then one day at lunch, I'm fucking around with my boys, and I came up with another idea.

And I walked outside, and I just carved P-E-A in front of cheater. So my car just said, not a peach eater, which would just confuse the shit out of people. But I finally started getting laid again. Chicks would be like, why do you hate peaches so much? So

it said, not a peach eater, real big on one side. And then I eventually got a girlfriend. And on our one year anniversary, I took her out to dinner and we were drunk and you know the car was already fucked up anyway so on our one year anniversary I let her take her keys and carve good boyfriend and the other side so one side said good boyfriend other side said not a peach eater about two months after that car breaks down and I call these Mexicans up to buy it for five these Mexicans like I'll buy it for 500 bucks and they come to my house to pick it up and

I start telling this incredible story about 20 seconds into the story. They're like, amigo, we don't give a shit. Yeah. This car is making one trip and one trip only. And I was like, I guess my 97 Maxima is in the mafia. And that was it. That's the last time I've had a car. I've never had a car since then. Yeah yeah i moved to la not long after that and then i um then i just ubered but yeah that car

once it had not a peach eater and good boyfriend then it was like funny and people would ask a lot of questions but when it just had cheater and it was uh that poor girl so that that was i dated that girl for a long time in vegas and i'll tell you another crazy shit that happened with her. I want to share a T-bone story with you real fast. Oh, yeah. No, go ahead. A buddy of mine who actually just moved back to California. What's up, Kip?

When I first lived out here, he and I, he had just broken up with his girlfriend that he had moved here with. And they had been together forever. And they're now having a, they're separating. And it's not good. And it's not healthy. And we're going to the gym and he had a little white toyota it was one of those little standard little pickup truck little two-seater four-speed you see like a lot of utility trip paint painters use them whatever and so not big at all we're pulling out we live in hollywood and we're pulling out of the garage and um his girlfriend is sitting, and just like a fucking movie,

you know, like the close-up on the eyes, and she punches it, and we're like, oh, my God, and she T-bones the shit out of us, his side, and she is pressed up against the car, and he's going nuts, and he wants to get out, and I could tell he is fucking hot, and I'm like it was probably a good thing that she hit his side and then kept the car against that fucking side so he couldn't get out and i wasn't letting him out either i was like no no we're not doing this shit and he's like he's just screaming at her and she fucked that thing up man bent that door all

in he couldn't get out from that side bent the quarter panel in but yeah she went nuts and just punched that shit well my that's how we can go to a different story but my girlfriend right now so we met on hinge just won the dating websites and then we had been talking and then we we had our first date on new year's we went to nuggets game and we were hanging out and then she's like i'm gonna come down because she lived colorado springs like 50 miles the girl i met at the festival yeah so shire so for my first show she comes with her best friend emily and she's sitting in the front row of which i hate you never want you know but then and i and she lived like i said 50 miles away so i knew she was going to stay at my house so i was living in this incredible loft in downtown denver that my buddy just let me have this the most like a million dollar left

loft he just let me live there for free and I had and above me was these like rappers like shitty rappers and they would just rap all night and you could hear everything and the floors were it was like hardwood floor exposed brick like an old school loft but you could see like light coming through so the day of our first real date one of those assholes up there broke the toilet and all the shit and piss came through and landed on my bed no my fucking bed thank god it hit my bed because below me is the national baseball museum was right below me with all this like expensive shit so the toilet breaks all this shit and piss just comes through onto my bed, covers my bed, and a little around it

to the point where the baseball museum people come upstairs and they're like, hey, we think you have a leak. And I'm like, it's not from me. It's the upstairs. It came all the way through. So my bed's like fucking covered. So I'm like, what am I going to do? And I was so excited for her to spend the night at my house the first time.

So we do the show. And then the comedy work staff loves to bust balls. So a couple of waitresses would just told Shire that I like had herpes as a joke while I'm on stage. Yeah. They're like, he has herpes in that, in this crazy anal sex story,

which wasn't even true. So you don't know that so you get off stage no they're all giggling at it at the bar everyone's laughing and then so then we just keep drinking and we got a good buzz and i think we're good we walk outside there's a parking lot no one's in the parking lot at this point there's just shires cars parked next to like a big light pole. Nothing around. We get in the car. Somehow she doesn't see this light pole. Just fucking drives like concussion protocol.

Just wham! Slams me into this pole on the right side. Fucking hard as shit. Breaks her door so that I can't even open the door. And I'm like, and I've only known this girl. You know, this is like, we've been hanging out for like an hour. And that's what i think i knew i was in love with her because i just i just looked at her i couldn't even get

out of the car to check on it shit i was slammed up against the wall thing the the thing she gets out and she looks at the car and then she just gets back in and she's like we're not gonna let that ruin a good night are we and i was like nope let's go damn he's like that or your herpes yeah i'm not worried about either one of them and then uh we drove home and and i had to we had to sleep on the couch because my bed was covered in shit and piss which was just bad luck i had to get a new bed but but that's uh that just reminded me of that pole story of her hitting a pole but the story i was going to tell you about like getting caught cheating was scary the scariest shit that ever happened to me is my Vegas girlfriend she lived in Barcelona for a while

she was studying abroad and when we started dating I became like best friends with her her older brother so then when she went overseas I would just hang out with him all the time so then and her parents were awesome and then so I would just pretty much hang with her family when she was over in Barcelona so then her dad's like let's take a trip you know i'm not going if brandt's not going we'll all go so we fly dad said i'm not going yeah because we became like boys and it was scary too because he was like uh because when i when i started dating her i was 30 and she was 20 and he's an italian big six foot four ital Italian ponytail like scary dad yeah so I'm like fuck I gotta go meet this dude but then I met him and he was super cool and then and we so then I would

hang out with them a lot and then he was just really really good to me and I looked up to him he's just an awesome dude so he's like we're taking this trip and he had he's rich very successful dude so he's like we're taking this trip through Italy we're gonna go meet her in in Barcelona then we'll go down through. And they had some family over there because they're Italian to meet his family, like a three week tour. Right. So we fly over there. We, you know, we get to Barcelona, everything's good. And then about the middle of the trip, we're in the middle of Italy at this incredible resort. I can't imagine he probably spent $20,000 alone on me, but we're in middle of italy and her brother's like my best friend at the time so he uh and i have saved every

naked picture i've ever gotten sent like i just have them so i don't know ladies or just no no not of her of just before you know so we're in the middle of italy and i'm with her and everything's good and he you know he's not getting laid in italy i go dude i have all these pictures i'll just send you all these naked pictures you can check them out he's like all right and then his name is scott godino jr and his dad is named scott godino and they scott godino owns the company and he's works for him so i go is your email just your name and he he goes, yeah. And I fucking send these. We're in the middle of Italy on this incredible trip he's taken me on. I send these naked pictures, like 12 naked pictures to the email.

I go, it's under Scott Godino at blah, blah, blah. He goes, no, Scott Godino Jr. I'm like, oh, fuck. I literally fell to the floor on my knees. I'm fucking dead i'm in the middle of italy sending my girlfriend's dad naked pictures of other women and we freak out so we're like what are we gonna do the only thing that saved us because he had a blackberry back then and then we were like so in italy none of us our phones wouldn't work we had all just kind of

shut them off because this was about 10 years ago so we were like fuck what are we gonna do so then we called like the secretary and we're like hey can you open up his email and just don't look at the email from brant just delete it and they're like all right you know we'll try and they deleted it but we still didn't know if it would go through so then the rest of the trip we were like just scared to death and i'll never forget we land in atlanta and we all get off the plane and he's turning on his phone and me and scott here just looking at him like is this it am i i was happy that we just made it back to america but i was like he's gonna fucking murder me and i still gotta get back to vegas but luckily it didn't because i didn't we didn't know if it got sent if it's staying there

right or in his trash but man that was like the scariest and and he the best for him he was so happy because he was picking up all the tabs we're staying at four seasons incredible so then one time it was his mom it was the five of us on the trip so i was like you know i gotta pick up a tab just to show appreciation and shit but i don't speak the language i didn't know what i was doing so the one night i tried to pick up the tab of course i was monitoring tabs i was like it's about four or five hundred dollars american but i didn't know what the fuck we were doing and then so the one time i pick up a tab it was eighteen hundred dollars and he was so fucking happy he's like oh mr big shot you pick up a tab

and i was like i didn't know and they crushed me like i had to i had to send the email i had to go to internet cafe go email to get my grandma to put more money in my because i like almost busted i might have had like 2200 dollars and he he thought it was he's still probably happy about that he's like oh mr big shot was to pick up a tab and i was like fucking ruined my whole trip it was crazy i dodged a lot of bullets on that trip during that trip one time too she got mad at me because something bullshit and then and she was so we just ended up fucking we couldn't go on the day's trip because she was mad so i had to sit in this bathroom and argue with her for like three hours and i was just crying trying to make it better because i felt like shit in the middle

italy with her family 1800 down yeah 1800 down i couldn't get home if i wanted to and then a brother came out and he's like what happened to you i was like all breakfast i was i'm allergic to rice krispies because my eyes were so red and puffy so then i had to hear that shit the rest of my life rice krispies because i was crying so much that my eyes were so i just played it off on breakfast. I had a friend of mine. I'm sure I've repeated every story, but they are so funny. So he wanted his girlfriend at the time. She was a super sweet girl, teacher, really smart, pretty, funny, wanted her to send some nudes, and she had never done that before. He's like, I want you to send me pictures of your pussy,

but I want you to grow a bush he was really into bushes and she was like well fuck it i don't have to go get waxed i don't have to do any of that shit so i'll grow it out so she grew it out and then he was like send me a picture of it and she's like i've never done this before i'm not comfortable doing this and he's like just send it as soon as i get it i promise you i'll delete it you can check my phone or i'll save it you could delete it so you know it's gone whatever you want she's like okay and she sends him a picture

and then she calls him right away she can you get it he's like no she's like stop fucking with me did you get it he's like listen to me I did not get it and she looks in her phone and his name is Bernie and so is her dad's and she sent the fucking picture to her dad and i'm like why isn't why

isn't your dad under dad yeah you know why the fuck sends it to her dad and i go are you close to your dad she's like i go did you put your face in it you never put your she goes i go but you have an incriminating tattoo she goes oh no he knows what it is she goes he paid for it and i go have you paid for it i go uh have you talked to him since she's like yeah a bunch i said as he brought it up she's like no but i'm waiting every day it's like he's never gonna bring it up like no god you know we joke about like him showing his wife like the fuck your goddamn daughter said to me and by the way have a conversation with her shave that fucking shit off maybe she'll get a good guy this guy over here she's trying to send pictures to legs bush but yeah send it to her fucking dad

i got i got a good bush story for you that i don't know if i still i think i told it on here before but this is like the craziest night of maybe my life so i was doing i was lived in vegas at the time and i did shows in uh we doing shows, and then Tripoli came to town, Sam Tripoli, who I'm sure you've had on, and he used to do the Naughty Show, which was crazy, just porn stars, comedians, celebrities. So he was doing it at the Green Door in Vegas, which is a huge sex club.

It's huge. It's as big as a Costco. I'd always make the joke it's like Coxco, because it's just full of cocks. It's huge. Is it really that big? I mean, it huge there's like I mean there's different rooms like golden shower there's all kinds of crazy shit so he would do these shows and um so he put me on the show and we're doing these shows I went up did 10 minutes no one gives a fuck about the comic part

these porn stars came up after me and he used to have this dude, I can't remember his name, but he'd wear a bunny suit on stage and he had, and he brought, he's very, he's funny comedian too. I wish Skippy, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy Simon.

Yep. So he brings three porn stars up and then like some bananas and some whipped cream and like a super soaker water gun full of cherry vodka. And they put on the most incredible show. I can't even, whatever you're thinking in your head just multiply by like 10 and fucking incredible right so after the show we're hanging out and i start talking to this porn star a little bit and she was like just hanging out and then

she's like you want to go get a drink and i was like sure so you can't drink you're not supposed to drink in the sex clubs you're not allowed allowed to bring alcohol in is the only rule. So there's a bar next door called the Badland Saloon, which is a super gay bar. Open ass chaps, full gay bars. So we all go over there to drink. So we're drinking. I'm sitting by the jukebox and I'm just talking to her like, this is crazy. I'm talking to a porn star.

And then she had a huge bush that she had grown out for whatever month that is or however they do it you know and then uh these dudes that were fans would come over to her and she'd be and they'd be like hey can we take a picture with your bush and she's like i'll tell you what if you buy us shots and put a dollar on the jukebox i'll take a picture so she starts telling these dudes so these dudes keep bringing over shots putting dollars on the jukebox i'm not getting any attention i think i'm fucking funny so i start playing glycerine by bush just to make myself laugh while these guys are going into the bathroom and taking bush pictures with this porn

star right so as the night goes on we're hanging out we just keep drinking getting more drunk and then the night's starting to wind down and it's just me and the porn star skippy's skippy's in his uh bunny suit these two random chicks from oakland that were at the show and then my buddy who's mormon married dude who was in town for like a cabinet convention so what a crew i know the six of us are sitting in this gay bar at like four in the morning so we start talking we're like we should all go back over there and have sex and the thing. And I'm like, let's do it.

Cause I knew I was going to get the porn star and they could argue over the Oakland chicks or the Oakland chicks. Cause I don't know what you'd rather have a bunny suit or a Mormon married dude. So they're like, all right, let's go. So we walk over and when we get to the front doors of the green door,

there's a sign on the door that says closed for cleaning. And we're all just like, Oh my God, that's the worst fucking job in the world you know so like let's go back to the bar and drink so we go back to the bar everyone's still ready to like fuck so skippy takes this girl up on the stage in the gay bar and there's like uh there's like a curtain kind of and he starts fucking this chick behind the curtain in the bunny suit in the bunny suit and you could see like a bunny leg sticking out in bunny hair and he's just bunny humping this chick in the middle rabbits do yeah and then the bartender comes around the corner he sees it he fucking freaks out kicks us all out you guys get the fuck out what do you can't be

fucking on the stage we get out we walk outside it's that awful vegas feeling when it's daylight we're like fuck i'm like i guess we'll get out of here the porn star's like you want to come with me i'm like all right so we get a cab we go to her house which is about 30 minutes away we pull up to this incredible huge neighborhood with like guarded gate like real guards and i'm like holy shit this chick is loaded we go in through we park at this mansion just huge right we go in i'm like i'm gonna marry this chick i don't i'm gonna tell my grandma she does something else but she's got money because at the time i'm still broken broke comic we go into her bedroom it's humongous first two things i see when i walk in she has a stripper pole like in the corner a full stripper pole and at the base

of her bed is this huge like 12 inch blue dild blue dildo. But not, it's a President Obama one. So, like, the tip is Obama's head. His head? And the shaft is a suit. And I'm like, honestly, I'm like, I'm intimidated following regular black guys in life. More or less the most powerful man in a blue man. And so she's like, I'm just getting bed. I'll be back.

I'm going to go shower real quick. So she goes and showers. She comes out, just starts blowing me. I come in like 45 seconds. I say it's like that Malcolm Gladwell, 10,000 hours thing. Like she got her 10,000 hours. I come super fast. We go to sleep. We wake up in the morning. We have sex again, super fast. And I'm just laying there in bed. And she's like, you want to get some breakfast? I was like, yeah, you know, I'll take you to breakfast. She like all right what do you want and she picks up the phone and she just calls in a breakfast order and I'm like holy shit this chick has like a butler right so she orders this shit we fall back asleep we're laying there in bed I'm naked

there's a knock on the door she's just in her panties just tits flopping around she's like come in I'm like this is weird this dude comes in holding a tray full of food he comes in he sets it down i'll never forget the porn star looks at me looks at the dude all confused looks at me and then she just goes dad this is my friend dad friend this is my dad and i'm like holy shit and he doesn't say he just puts the shit down and he uh walks out of the room dad and real dad or like daddy or it was real dad because then eventually we became friends but in that moment i was i was scared and and i'll never forget he walks out and he shuts the door and i turned around like oh my god is this gonna be bad

are you gonna be like in trouble and she said to me he won't say shit to you because he knows if he does, he'll be fucking fired. Fired? And I always make the joke, what does that job pay that you have to make breakfast for a random dude that just fucked your daughter? She doesn't even know his name. I was like, who doesn't want to get fired from that job? The saddest part of all this is that her dad showed up and yours didn't. That's the truth. Where was my dad when I needed him?

I could have used some bacon and biscuits and gravy one time in life, dad. Well, dude, we got to get you out of here, man. This was a lot of fun. Thank you for coming on. I know you came to town. Thank you for having me, man. Yeah, of course, of course. I love the show. I love the feasters are the best.

They changed my life. Well, before you get out of here, one more time with whatever you'd like to promote, please. Yeah, just follow me, Brant Tober, B-R-A-N-D-T-T-O-B-L-E-R. And my podcast is just on the 31, Spotify, iCloud, iTunes. And like I said, I'm pumping them out for a week. So

on days there's no honeydew, come check it out. And I'll hopefully have you on. Well, maybe we already did it or we're doing together we will so i will have him on in the soon all right brother thank you buddy you got it i am ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler dot com believe that i don't know what website that is ryan sickler dot com we'll talk to you all next week.