The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Brian Redban

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Brian Redban! Brian shares a lot on this episode. We talk about his parents divorce, what it was like being the outcast, getting bullied as a kid, and an arrest that could’ve put him behind bars for a long time. It's a different side of Redban! Subscribe, download & review! Head to http://bit.ly/MYBHoneyDew and use promo code HONEYDEW to claim your bonus today!

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If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by mybookie.com. Also, Saturday, September 14th, Baltimore. I think there's a couple seats left to the show. I'm doing it the famous. Head over to ryanciclo.com. Get the tickets if you want to come out.

And also, there's a new email list I have going there. So make sure you sign up for all the upcoming info. And let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it up at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. You can find me on all social media at Ryan Sickler. My website is ryansickler.com.

Baltimore, September 14th. I'm going to be back at the famous. Get your tickets now if it's not already sold out because I don't know if I can do two shows this time. If you want to see me locally, go to my website, ryansickler.com. All the dates are there. And I just want to say again, every week, thank you. Thank you to every one of you out there. The messages, the replies, all of it. I see it. I feel it. I appreciate your support. The biggest way to help the podcast, I say all the time, is to engage in the sponsors. Make sure you're subscribed, download it, review it. Make sure you're subscribed to your mom's house YouTube channel.

That's where you get video every Tuesday. All right. The website here for the show is thehoneydopodcast.com. That's where you can get all the merch, the social media links. If you want to know anything about the Honeydew, go to the of the Honeydew, somebody I've been wanting to have for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brian Redband. Hey, thank you. Welcome to the Honeydew, Brian Redband. What's up, thick blood?

That's how I know you listen. Dude, thank you for being here. Thanks for having me, man. Been trying to make this happen. Thank you. Before we get into your story, will you please plug, promote everything and anything you like? That's you right there. DeathSquad.TV.

There you have every single podcast I've ever done. I'm about to have a bunch of new podcasts because I got a new studio in Burbank that's almost done. Do Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store. We're going to be in Philly and Pittsburgh next week. I think Pittsburgh's sold out, but Philadelphia. And August 17th, I'll be headlining the American Comedy Company. And I'll bring George Perez and Aiko Tanaka with me. So go to deathsquad.tv.

Everything there. Red Band on all the other social medias. Awesome, dude. Mm-hmm. So I didn't know where you were originally from. You know, you've been sort of, for me, you were this entity called Red Band. We now have Blue Band over here. Yeah.

That's a spawn. Yeah, I know. I know. At first, I thought he was just an eagle. I didn't know he was a real person for the longest time.

I thought they just had an eagle they called Blue Band. I didn't know. And you were in the game. You were early on in the game so you're somebody i always watched from afar and i've got to know a little bit we've done a few shows together and i really enjoy your company and working with you and stuff but i do want to know because you got a dark

side to you oh yeah and i want to get a little bit deeper into that so uh why don't you just start at the beginning brother uh so i'm originally from columbus ohio i lived there 30 years before i even left you did yeah yeah which is weird because and depressing because i always wanted to go to california and then there was a point in my life where i'm like well i'm just going to be a manager at gateway computers for the rest of my life i remember like thinking i i'm done you know i'm going to live here i just need to get married, have a kid, call it out. And then when I finally moved here. So you left Ohio, went right to California?

Yeah. Joe Rogan hired me. While you were in Ohio? Yeah. No shit. Moved me out. Okay. He was a fan of my work, and he wanted me to just work for him.

I was his first employee. I still am his employee, but he moved me out. And then when I got here, I got really depressed because I was like, I could have lived here my whole life. Why did I wait so long? And I'm like, I'm already 30. I would love to have lived out here when I was in my 20s. I'd probably be dead, but it would have been amazing. Did you start stand up at all or mess around at all in Ohio? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I started in Ohio and probably did it maybe six or seven times. My home club was the Funny Bone in Columbus. And then I stopped before I moved out to the day Bob Hope died. I've said this before a million times, but I did a Bob Hope joke the day he died. And the audience was a bunch of old people, and they booed and hissed at me. I'm like, fuck this. I'm never doing this again. It's all a Bob Hope joke to a bunch of Bob Hopes.

Well, it was like their mics out there, they never had anybody to go to the open mics, so there's a retirement home across the street, so they would come here and give them free tickets to a comedy show. Oh, my God. And so when i came out i was like oh my god there's the whole audience is old people i shouldn't do this joke and i decided to do it anyway and man they they really did not like the joke yeah they're all

next to death and everything like bob was younger than me and the joke had to do because we were like in you know war uh it was like after 9-11 and stuff like that so like uh so i had to do, because we were like in, you know, war. It was like after 9-11 and stuff like that. So like, so it had to do with, the joke was, hey, did you guys hear Bob Hope died?

And everyone was like, oh, and I was like, do you think they flew out of his body to Iraq to entertain all the dead troops? And everyone was like, oh,

that's out of the gate. Oh, God. Quick comedy. I retired. Yeah, and then it literally retired after the retirement community set yeah then when i moved to la like maybe a year and a half or so uh after living out rogan kept on like you need to go back to doing comedy and then one day it's like a sold-out show in atlanta at the punch line or whatever what it was uh he goes you're, uh, you're going to open up the show. And I'm like,

what? And he goes, do you have any jokes? And I'm like, no, this is before cell phones and stuff. And so, uh,

I just went out and did it like 10 minutes and I got back into it. Then he started just throwing me in front of like, uh, sold out theaters and stuff. I pretty much did that spot, you know, where he just, uh,

I was his opener. Then I started doing, it was like Joey Diaz would open the show. Then i would be the middle and i had to follow joey oh my god and so many i know so many yeah and so many comics hated it i loved it because you writing that wave like was i thought the easiest like you were just set up for success you know after that but it was fun i i i learned quick how to become a stand-up it was like a cheat code from those two guys yeah yeah so go back to take us back to columbus so you start in columbus ohio yeah i started in columbus uh i had a million jobs i was i worked at movie theaters

most of my life i was like managers of movie theaters. Your parents, how long were they together? Third grade. My parents, back then when they got a divorce, it was like no one even knew what a divorce was. I had never even heard the word before. You were talking about that before the show, because I was one of those kids, your parents sat us down, like this is happening. I want to be like,

there was like maybe one or two other girls at school that I was like, your parents, what is that? You know what I mean? I think I was one of the first if not the only person that got divorced and then when they said they go well you're gonna live with your mom in an apartment and my dad's gonna live in this huge house which made no sense to me yeah the same house okay so it made no looking back it really made no sense like why does dad get like the huge house and we're in this little apartment i'm sharing a room with my sister like i had to like my bedroom growing up was like our uh our uh like a uh

dresser in between our two beds like and i had to you know grow up with my sister and you said to me too when we were talking before like you didn't know what an apartment was either yeah yeah same way yeah we went from a house where you thought this you had this perfect family that was obviously falling apart under the roof literally yeah and then while my dad moves away because the house gets sold he's got to go find a place to live we go to an apartment with my mom and our and i had no idea what a fucking apartment was in our apartment even looking back on this fucking thing was all it was was a hallway with three rooms off of it yeah it had a kitchen and a tiny ass little living room but the whole thing wasn't longer than i mean

this studio is fucking bigger than that yeah yeah it would like the apartments we stayed in uh what's weird is because we had to switch uh school districts and it was kind of cool because the school district we went to both of them were great, but it was called Worthington. And very high end, very smart, everyone that went there, their parents are CEOs, insurance companies and stuff. But they had one street. I think they legally had to do this for low income or something like that. So they had one street and they built their first apartments in Ohio, I think. I don't think that was...

I've never seen apartments before like it was a new thing back in the 80s and we stayed there and uh it was because uh it was such a young age and because I was switching school districts uh my parents uh and the teachers actually told my parents that I should go back a grade because they thought I was gonna you know like he's we don't know how he's going to, you know, react to this. He's, you know, and so it was interesting because I grew up always being the older person in my grade, which I'm glad now looking back that that I did that. But you repeated third. Yeah. Third grade. Do you remember doing that? Like, do you remember going, I know these answers? Yeah. Feeling. Yeah. Like confident.

And like, I got that. Absolutely. But but i i was such a i was not into school ever my whole life so even though i had already knew all that i still was like i don't give a shit about any of this like i'm never gonna do anything with math or whatever so yeah i i slept mostly through school like i always had a hat and I got really good at putting my head like this. And then my left hand would just be like a dead zombie hand that once in a while would move like I'm riding something. And my whole, like every grade, I slept through. And what was your relationship with your mom like living there?

Mom was great. Yeah, mom was good. Everything was cool with my mom. It was weird growing up with two women, though. I think that really sculpted me. I don't like sports. What do know like like i i never got into sports because you mean your sister and your mom my sister my mom she didn't play either no like so like i think because of that that's why i like in high school i was not friends with many guys i was friends with all the women

though like and my whole life i've always kind of geared towards hanging out with women more than men for some reason. And I think it's because my mom and my sister, because I'm more comfortable. Women don't freak me out. I'm not shy or nervous around them. And so I think that really made me who I am today. And would you see your dad during that time? Yeah, every weekend.

Every weekend, we'd go to dad's. Which is your old house. Yeah, her old house. uh would go to dad's and then eventually your old house uh yeah her old house would go to your old room and hang with you yeah i still have my own same room there that my dad probably used for prostitutes or something like that now looking back like i i thought salty sheets were like a thing no uh but then i ended up moving in with my dad in high school and so i would uh because i was like well i can't live with my sister i'm in high school i'm gonna end up fucking my sisters you know uh so i uh ended up uh going back to my dad's house and and that was cool because i had

my own room my dad didn't care what time I came home at night. And I would come home at like 3 in the morning. And being a senior, I was allowed to have my girlfriend spend the night in high school. I'm technically a freshman in college, Dad. I got held back in third grade. I'm 35, man. Did your dad ever remarry or your mom ever remarry? Yeah, both. But my dad remarried younger or at first.

And I've had a great stepmom. Oh, great. So they stayed together. Yeah. And then my mom ended up, she used to, my mom used to date a lot, which was interesting growing up. It was very interesting because. Because dudes are coming over to this lady's one bedroom apartment with two kids yeah it was gross like now but she used to uh she used to work for Wendy's growing up so uh she was like

an executive secretary for like Dave Thomas or something like that for real yeah it's out Ohio right yeah yeah right down yeah it's in Dublin and so growing up was cool because like we would always like I would always visit my mom at work and she would take me to the test kitchen where it's just like hey try all these new hamburgers and these things called chicken tenders and really like you're like what the heck is chicken tenders got all that shit early so i and we had stacks of uh free meals so anytime we go to wendy's it's like anything we wanted for free every christmas uh they would have a christmas party at the wendy's headquarters and dave thomas the owner the creator of Wendy's, would dress up as Santa Claus. They have a lot of pictures of me sitting on Dave Thomas' lap.

I knew Wendy, the real Wendy, growing up, which was cool. It is his daughter for real? Oh, yeah. She's in a few other commercials now. She's a bigger, older lady. They had a fake Wendy for a while, which is this hot young chick that was named Wendy in the commercials. That's not her. But it was very interesting because I always thought that.

I was like, oh, Wendy's my friend. I never put the two together. That's Wendy from Wendy's. It was very cool. That's the Wendy. That's the Wendy. Jack Hanna, who's pretty known, he's the guy in charge of our zoo and so we used to always go to zoo camp every year which was you had jack hannah is the charge of the zoo

yeah yeah he still is and it's so like is he really yeah so like and we used to do uh this thing zoo camp where for like a week you would just live at the zoo and jack hannah would yeah you'd sleep you'd sleep at the zoo like and and it was the craziest thing i was gonna say would you hear lions and shit roaring it's like give me the fuck out of here as fuck and then and then jack hannah would come out at night and be like hey guys uh i brought some pizzas and you're like like jack hannah was just like somebody another person i just knew i didn't know that everybody who's on david letterman like right yeah and it was weird thinking like hey yeah we spent the night at the zoo that seemed and where would you sleep

they would like put us in different like where was it was like uh like maybe their office building or something like it was just a big room we'd all have like sleeping bags and stuff i think a few times they had to sleep in like like one of the big buildings with all the the like giraffes and stuff i don't know it was i just remember it was very hard to go to bed when you there was noises like roars and elephants and shit yeah yeah he's got crazy animals he doesn't have your basic shit oh yeah yeah he has like albino penguins and shit crazy shit but uh it was cool growing up in columbus because we were a test market uh city So we would have like we had Chipotle before Chipotle was a thing, you know, and they were like, oh, let's see if this works. You know, it's owned by I think Chipotle is owned by McDonald's.

Yeah. And we had like make pizzas before anyone was like, what's make pizza? But they would like try all these new things. There was one of my favorites. I don't even know if it got big. So if you all liked it, the rest of the world got to have it. it's uh i don't even know if it got big enough so if you all liked it the rest of the world got to have it yeah exactly and i love it because like i guess columbus is considered the most average uh like economy like you know everything and there was one called i don't know if it got out of ohio but it was called sisters chicken and biscuits it was wendy's version of uhFC. Instead of having an old man, it was just three old women. It was awesome, but it didn't last.

It didn't go out. Then there was a thing called Donato's Pizza, which is one of the best pizza places, I think, in the Midwest. Then McDonald's bought them, and they were going to make a nationwide pizza place. Then the stock market crashed. They had 9-11, and then they sold it back. I was so pissed off. You sold it back? Yes. i was so pissed off sold it back yes i was so pissed off because i especially now i live here in california i just

want to eat that pizza and now i can't whatever good story i'm old like you i'm old enough and i was just thinking the other i was just yelling just joking around my stepson i was like i was i've been here before chicken nuggets and then i was like when the fuck were chicken nuggets invented at least mcdonald's it was the 80s it was 83 for mcdonald's it said it was 83 but i don't know if somebody did that before mcdonald's right well i remember you probably had it in 82 wendy's i remember they were that was one of the test kitchen things and it was like i think it was chicken tenders maybe it was chicken their version of chicken nuggets uh and i remember what are these pieces of chicken so delicious but uh it was chicken, their version of chicken nuggets. And I remember, what are these pieces of chicken? It's so delicious.

But it was weird being that age or growing up in the 80s and stuff like that because we didn't have cell phones. We didn't have computers, you know. And so we would do like Goonie shit. Like there was an old penitentiary that was in downtown Columbus, and it closed. And it had been deserted for maybe 10 years, and it's falling apart. Me and my friends would ride our bike all the way downtown,

which is like the dumbest thing ever. I think it took two hours or something like that to get there. One way? Yeah. Because we didn't have Lyfts or Ubers. I think we were in Pennsylvania. So we would ride, and we'd do it at 3 in the morning. We'd be 16, and we found a little hole in the fence because the place was all fenced up.

You're not supposed to go in. It was a humongous penitentiary from the 1800s. And we found a hole, or we cut a hole. It would sneak in in the middle of the night, 3 in the morning, no cell phones, and there would be homeless people living in there and stuff like that. And I look back, and I'm like, how dumb is that? One of those homeless people could have just, you know,

fleshlighted our faces. And we had no way to, like, call for help. Nobody would hear you anyway. Nobody would hear you because it's just miles of penitentiary. But it was so cool because we would have our little flashlights and we'd go through, like, the halls of the penitentiary. There would be parts where the floor just falls through. Are you scared to death while you're doing oh it was like a horror movie every step we hear noise and we've got and the what the dumbest thing is we would go inside like the

the prison cells and would shut it and i'm thinking like why would yeah right if i think that the gate's over yeah like we all get locked in there. I can't believe it. But I think if I remember, they drilled it so no one can do that, like all the locks. We saw where the electric chair was, and we sat in it. Oh, my. You sat in it? Yeah. I don't care if it's hooked up or not.

I feel like some residual electricity. I know. Or just piss stains and shit. Yeah, I didn't think of that. You're right. But it was, you know. So we used to do that in abandoned hospitals. We didn't have abandoned penitentiary, but I would have done that.

Hospitals have been crazy, too. Hospitals are creepy. Because everybody goes in and, like, the moment you walk in, there's, like, a long-ass hallway with a pentagram and a fucking wheelchair. We're like, let's go. Let's go. I'm like, nah, we're gone. We would get the toe tags.

We're still in the room. Oh, jeez. Oh, yeah, dude. It was creepy. That's my favorite thing in the world to do is go through abandoned stuff. And, like, videos. There's so many videos on YouTube of people doing that. And, man, that's just, like, cracked me.

And police chases. I could just watch that all day. So that's cool that I didn't know anyone else, like, explored and did abandoned stuff. Hospitals. Were you from New Orleans or something? Maryland. Yeah, Baltimore originally. And we had some really

like you, you know, Ohio. We still got those older buildings and shit. The brick. And it just, as soon as it's dark and the moon hits it, it just looks fucking creepy as shit. Yeah. And automatically scary in the dark. But I love that you would go through an old prison. I would have done that. And we also, like,

dumb shit, too. Like, we would, like, go through sneaking people's houses and stuff. Like, we would, like, go through, like, sneaking people's houses and stuff like that. But this was, like, when we were, like, fifth grade or sixth grade. This was, like, even if we got caught, they'd be like, oh, that's adorable. Get out of my house, you know? Right, yeah. Then. Yeah.

Or, yeah, we would be raped again. But, like, I remember we heard that somebody had kittens, like, a house one street over from when we grew up. And so we, like, snuck in their garage door and went through their house and we saw them watching TV. And then one of the kittens came up and we took it. We took it outside. We're like, let's just keep this kitten. And then we ended up like, we got to put it back. So we just put it in the garage and ran away.

We don't even know if the kitten made it back inside. So growing up in. All right. So let's get let's go back to high school. You're with your dad you don't play sports you don't play i played like soccer when my parents were still together like like elementary school but do you get bullied do you are you definitely bullied all through school mostly because i was an artist like i only painted and like drew things and played video games so i hung out uh my friends was akira his name was akira he

is uh he was from japan and his parents were like uh all work for honda or something and i was his only friend and like i didn't have any many friends only like two or three friends and so like i would hang out with akira and what's cool is hanging out with akira is that he would have shit before we had so like when nintendo you know super mario's nes came out with Akira is that he would have shit before we had. So like when Nintendo, you know, super Mario's NES came out, he had that two years prior or like a year prior. Yeah.

So we're playing this and I'm already addicted. Like no one else getting food and games before everybody else. Yeah, exactly. And so when Nintendo came out, I was like already over, like I already beat this like a million times, you know,

type shit. So it was cool hanging out with him, but we were all just nerds growing up. Like our biggest fun thing to do is taking a bag of Jolly Ranchers and a slingshot and flick Eric hitting people with that, like out of our window, like when they walk by. We would have been friends, dude, because we used to do. We used to take the slingshot where one person would uh have put whatever we used to do

water balloons yeah and then two people would hold it hold it and do the and then you would let that motherfucker fly and that do you ever do that at the comedy store they used to do that every weekend yeah no i never did it there but we would do it back home but yeah but i knew just from a water balloon like it could break a window so jolly rancher's like oh i know looking back it's really stupid one that the time when we finally we we went there was this old dude that my mom had cheated on my dad with and we snuck down to his place one night and he lived on this hill so we got up on the hill we just let that i just let it fly toward the house oh yeah and then i heard the glass and i was like oh shit we all got in the car took off like. Oh, fuck. But we kept doing it. And one night, we're just such teenage fucking idiots. We decide we're way across the street, and we're going to bomb 7-Eleven.

So whenever anyone opens the door to go in or come out, we're trying to get them and in that store, you know? And I remember I let this balloon go, and it's all in slow motion. And all of a sudden this old lady comes walking. I'm like, God, no. Please, oh my God. It's going to crush her. It's the most accurate one I've ever fucking let go.

And I mean at the last second, old school metal antenna on a car sticking up and it split it. So she got sprayed with water, but it would have it would have she probably had no idea what it was too she's like well we just got the fuck out of there because that's when everybody started looking over you

know like what's going on we did gross things too it's so funny with like kids don't do any of this shit anymore probably like we would find like a dead bird you remember those envelopes that used to put your film in and then yeah yeah you know what i forgot about those so you just fucking said you put dead birds in there putting people's mailboxes they're like oh i got i got my picture that's the only picture here and i remember this one this one time we put a bird in and we did it to our friend's mom, Akira's mom. And we wanted Akira to open it up. And we even sat on it, the bird.

Oh, my God. And we would hide in the bushes across the street and wait for Akira to get the mail. And we just remember seeing his poor mom come out and just open it up and go, what's this? And open it up and go, ah! I just remember it was like it haunts me to this day there's two things that haunt me still her yeah that poor lady opening that up and you know i used to i threw a rock at a uh a cardinal once like a cardinal was injured and i was like oh gross and i threw a rock at it and i just remember thinking like how horrible that was like i i probably killed a bird and i just remember thinking like how horrible that was like i probably killed a bird

and i just felt like i still think about it all the time like well let me tell you something first of all it's good that you think about it and it bothers you and two that crippled cardinal got eaten by a fox oh yeah you'll not worry about that it's called prey yeah i put it out of misery um so who what kind of kids will pick on you were they the jocks were they yeah it was mostly jocks or like the it was totally it's so funny it's totally like you know just like the simpsons or south park it's always like the poor uh like his parents are divorced you know that bullies and stuff and it i got i looking back at it now it's weird because like I'm Facebook friends with a lot of my police now. Yeah, because like we had a very small school and and it's like it's so awesome.

Like looking back and seeing what they're doing now, they're all like divorce. One one's a cop. I just think that's interesting. You know, I got revenge on my biggest bully, though, and I did it by mistake. I got revenge on my biggest bully, though, and I did it by mistake. And it was so interesting to me because it's one of those things like that's just how the world works, you know. So I used to troll a lot. And I had this thing. This was maybe before MySpace or during MySpace.

I think it was during MySpace years. I used to have, I take, you know, when Listerine strips came out, like those little blue Listerine strips, I used to Photoshop like blue lips on a bunch of animals and be like, I gave 30 Listerine strips to a kitten, you know, and then have like, and I would call it, I had a website called bluetorture.com

and I made up like fake, like where people would send me photos like, oh, you know, I gave 20 20 Listerine strips to my dog. And I've just put a little blue on their lip. Like it doesn't even make your lips blue. So, you know, it's still work like to the point where PETA like on their message boards had many threads about my website. And and like like I was like, you know know getting a lot of people like talking like trying to get my website down and stuff so then i i decided to have this like i found a picture on

the internet of a box of puppies and like i'm like we're having our first blue torture puppy party and we're gonna have pizza i have a box of puppies and over 200 listerine strips that we can give to the dogs and like looking back it's like who would do this not like that no dog's gonna eat those you know what i mean like and who would really fucking believe that right and so i made like a fake flyer and i put and i was like you know what i going to put my bully's address on there. So if all those PETA people will go to his house. And so when I put that up on the message board, they're like, we're having a meeting. We're all going to. They're storming Area 51, bro.

They're going to storm this guy's house. For real. For real. This poor son of a bitch. This poor guy. real and what it makes it a million times worse because what i didn't know for real is the guy my bully was a sold drugs and he oh god he he got arrested or something happened where he wasn't at his house and he left his dog there for a week inside of his house with no food and water or something like that and that same day like the it was on the news where they the the neighbors

called the police and like uh this man uh we're here outside of the home let's go and so he left his dog here and the conditions they were showing inside of his house, that was the same day where all the protesters came to that. I swear to God. So that's on news too? They didn't show the part, but I remember going on the message board, going, we got there, there were the police there, they already caught him. I think they thought maybe they busted them already or something.

But that dude, I don't think he knows. He was all over the news. He got in a lot of trouble. And he had a gang of maybe like 30 protesters there on something completely different. Imagine if you walked outside your house, there's people yelling about it, giving Listerine shit. Who the fuck you all talking about? My dog's got black lips. I did get in trouble from my space because i made a video

for the website because i before when i put that flyer out i was like i want it i want more protest i want this to be the biggest thing ever so i made a video where i just took a listerine strip and i put a snail on top of it and spit like film the whole thing and sped it up because fun fact if you guys have a snail sitting around, Listerine strips make them start foaming up and they start melting into a blob. Like whatever. It's the grossest thing ever.

How the hell did you figure that out? I didn't know that was going to happen. I thought it was just going to be, because I knew like if you threw salt, like we used to always put salt on snails and worms and shit, it would freak out. So I was like, it has to do something. So I just filmed it and it just started foaming up and melting and myspace got on oh myspace got so

pissed like you can't show that you know that's uh whatever torture or something but it's escargot i know it's a snail i could have stepped on it but that really like it set the pita off like crazy that snail video like they used to pass that around and stuff really they're passing it around yeah yeah let's take a quick break and tell you about our sponsor mybookie.com it's a new season ab's on the raiders lbs with the jets odbs in cleveland and the afc north champs the baltimore ravens are still right there too everybody and the one thing that hasn't changed is where i'm putting my money down on all the games my bookie is the place to bet on football every weekend my bookie has better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sports book period this year they're hosting the first online handicap

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and use promo code HONEYDOO to claim your bonus today. Now back to the show. I used to do a lot of trolls, though. I have another website called LetsFindJesus.com. I think that's still up where I just trolled religious people and stuff like that. But I sell things on it, like a painting of a black Jesus stealing a baby and stuff like that. And because they hate, back then, they hated, they hated, they hated black Jesus. Like, you know, especially 10 years ago, 13 years ago, whenever I made the website.

They still, they still hate black Jesus. But I really pushed the black Jesus shit on people. And I think I used to sell, like, barbershop hair, like, from Jerusalem. I forget what it was. And then I made a bunch of... From one of Jesus' haircuts. Those people got everything they probably deserved to get. I still believe that's Jesus' hair from a Nazareth haircut.

Yeah. And it was so funny because I did have animal control call me up on the blue torture thing. Like somebody, somehow they got my number or they came to my house. And they left a note. Because they found out who I was and where I lived somehow. And they left a note on my door. And then they said, please call as soon as you can. And I don't know if it was about blue torture or not.

It was about another troll I did. And I called and I filmed the phone call. And I think it's online somewhere still. But it's the guy goes, well, we got a report here that you blah, blah are doing something. And then I'm like, oh, that's just a troll. I'm just trolling somebody. He goes, trolling? Like this is before trolling was, I guess, you know, more common.

He goes, you know what that means, right? And I'm like, well, playing a joke. And he goes, that's not what it means, man. It means chasing guys. And I'm like, I've never heard that. Me either. I think that's the original, you know. Guess who was trolling?

That dude. Let me tell you what that means. Oh, yeah. He seemed like, fuck, yeah. I've never heard that. If anything, it would sound to me like a dude chasing after ladies yeah but not or just or i guess he said he said it was trolling trolling guys i guess i would love to know if that's i don't think i ever looked i've never heard that yeah i never looked it up either that's but he he said the recording was so funny

well i guess that's a pretty funny joke and And so we're just going to let you lead. He liked it. He's out of control. He's like, but if I ever need to come over and check on the welfare of your cat, and I'm like, yeah, come anytime. He goes, all right, then. I'm just going to write this off as a joke. The video is hilarious.

I'll try to find it and post it again somewhere, but it's pretty funny. Now, were you doing that sort of stuff to your bullies back in the day? Yeah. is hilarious i'll try to find and post it again somewhere but it uh it's pretty funny what now were you doing that sort of stuff to your bullies back in the day like yeah so so back then we what our nerd squad would uh we we would do a lot like our but it was all like we didn't have computers there was they're trolling we'd be like would find a tack and put it on the seat of the one of the kids and they would sit on and be like ah, ah, you know, shit like that. One time, this is, all right, so I don't know if they still do this anymore,

but we used to, in middle school, dissect cow eyeballs. We all have an eyeball. We did frogs and worms. We did a heart. Heart wasn't until high school, I think, but we might have done an eyeball for something. Yeah, cow eyes is what we used to do and i remember uh one of our bullies uh uh his locker was right next to mine so i knew his combo and so one time when he i was like i'm gonna put both of these eyeballs

like i stole two cow eyeballs and put it in his locker and i put it so like right when you open it up it looks like i didn't i didn't know he had strep no chicken pox i didn't know he had chicken pox so he was out of school for a week one day at school we got there and they were like everybody we need to meet outside uh the fire department's here there's a there's a smell. They thought there was a dead body or something like that. They're going through everybody's lockers. They go through the locker. They find,

I can't even imagine what they looked or smelled like. A week later. A week later. It was like, I think I did it like on a Thursday and then Friday he wasn't there and this was like Monday or something.

They got in and it smelled like death in there and they finally found it. The kid got suspended because they thought he did it or something like They got in and it smelled like death in there. And they finally found that the kid got suspended because they thought he did it or something like that. Yes. I think he got suspended or he got detention or something like that. I can't remember.

But it went on him. But what was great is that we didn't, like all of us were sitting outside for maybe a couple hours. I remember we didn't have school for like a half day. So it was pretty cool for that. I saw what you did. We all saw it. Yeah, and then we would do shit like that.

Did it ever escalate into fights? Did you get in a lot of fights? No, I've only been in two fights my whole life. And it was with my bully, one of my bullies. The first one, I beat the shit out of him. You did? Yeah, yeah it was one of those things where i'm on top of him just fucking pound ground and pound you know and he would be crying and he's like please stop then christmas story yeah and then i get up though and then he

starts coming after me again i'm like dude i got off you know and then i knocked him down again and uh then he was just a mess and then he a year later did it end the second time yeah uh it took no no no for a year he didn't he left me alone and then when we i was a freshman in high school he like we were going down the hallway and he like kicked the back of my foot or something like that he goes meet me outside at lunch or something like that and i'm like oh god he wants he's probably been training you know it's probably been doing like hula hoops in his backyard or something like that whatever we used to train and uh i beat the shit out of him a second time and i remember that second time you never you left me alone forever because i that second time was like you didn't learn the

first time yeah haven't been in a fight since like uh so two fights the same person same person yeah yeah i'm really good at not getting out of fights or getting out i never get to that point of fighting like uh i've had people try to fight me a few times uh what do you do just use your humor no i i just gotta do get away i'm not gonna fight you know like i i'm i'm in my 40s yeah yeah one guy like maybe three years ago did uh he was like fucking with my girl and i told him i was like get the fuck away from me dude you know you're just i leave my girl alone and blah blah blah at the comedy store and then out of nowhere when i'm walking to the bathroom that's a wrong move he runs around me punched me square in the face at At the store? At the comedy store. Did anybody see this?

Oh, yeah. And I was just like, did you just punch me? And then I just grabbed him, threw him against the wall, and then it was broken up. That dude's banned now. But that's the only other time I've ever got punched, but I didn't. God damn.

I mean, between Rogan, Callen, Diaz, and Simone with all their jujitsu and UFC shit, they would have killed them. Oh yeah. It was broken up pretty quick, but the guy, like, I mean,

obviously I could have probably beat him up. Cause like he punched me. I didn't even feel like it. It was like, what did you, like, I didn't even know what happened. I was like,

I got like maybe like a football, somebody throw a football or something. And then I hit me in the face. So growing up, I asked you about acting out and stuff and sort of how it played out and you said you uh you said you did get caught shoplifting i did but were you doing it for a while before you got yeah no i um when nintendo came out you know i i had no money i was pretty broke this is probably when i was like uh let's say 14 15 uh stores didn't have cameras and shit like that

they usually had one security guard there was a uh place called service merchandise it's out of business now and uh they they had video games and back then video games they just they didn't know what they were so they just put them on the shelf now they're behind like glass cases like a Gillette sensor blade or something but uh so we would just take like four of them, put them down our pants and then every day and we couldn't bring them home though because our parents. Was that the square gray one? Square. Yeah.

Square. Yeah. And we would just put the boxes like we'd wear baggy clothes, put it in our waistband. And but we couldn't bring them home because our parents would be like, where are you getting all these video games? So we had to slowly dilute the games. So what we do is outside of the place this is the dumbest thing ever because we didn't like go down the street or anything they had a tree and like mulch and stuff like that and we dug a

hole we put all the games in there and then come on yeah and then one by one would like take one home and we so we had like the shoot at one point i think we had like 20 games in a hole in a hole outside of the store. We stole it. We didn't go down the street or anything like dumbasses. And then CDs came out. And then we were like, my dad bought me a CD player for my birthday. And he only bought me one CD.

And I was like, I want more. But they were like, you know, we had no money. Yeah. So I was like, thanks, dad. I can afford CDs. You're going to give me one CD, you know. So then we started stealing CDs. And, so I was like, thanks, Dad. I can afford CDs. They're going to give me one CD, you know? So then we started stealing CDs. And I remember it was— That was easy before they got that long—

Yeah, yeah. Remember that long plastic thing? That long plastic thing. This was before that. This is when they just, again, well, we'll just put them on the shelf. I remember that I had Ghostbusters 2, Paulo Abdul, and something else. It was three CDs. I just remember being like,

I got in trouble with the gayest CDs ever. You know, like who? Call Me Bad. It was something worse. It was something like Paulo Abdul, maybe Milli Vanilli. Maybe it was Milli Vanilli or something like that. But I remember when we were walking out,

I just remember just that me and my friend yeah like a hand on my shoulder and then like me and my friend got put in this like it was at myers and we uh they took us into a room and then his parents came first and his dad was really scary like this big tall italian guy and i remember him just looking at us like that and that freaked me out i never stoppedlifted again after that because it was like the only time i ever got in trouble with outside of school where i was like holy shit this is real like i thought i was going to jail even though i was like only 14 or so right uh and uh so after that never stole again never shoplifted again and it's weird that really stuck with me to the point where like if i'm a store, I remember Joey Diaz used to, we'd be at an airport,

and he would just take, you know, like the stores where you get the neck pillows? He'd be like, oh, gummy bears. And he's just stealing shit. And I think he does it because if you just act like you're just hanging out, no one's like, if you act sketchy, somebody's going, what's going on with that guy? But if you're just like you're just hanging out like no one's like if you act sketchy somebody's going what's going wrong with that guy but if you're just like big guy just like whatever and i remember just like having panic attacks uh being with him like he just stole gummy bears like you know like you just go yeah so i'm glad it happened at a young there's like a lot of things like i'm

glad it happened you seem like you just fucked around you didn't really yeah but did you have you ever been arrested uh yeah i was later in life uh i think i was like 28 what happened uh i did it uh you're still in ohio then yeah yeah i i was a manager of a movie theater and one of my employees i think she was an employee maybe not i used to date this girl uh and we dated for maybe two years and she was like from a different school district that uh but this is older this wasn't high school but she you know we didn't grow up anywhere near us each other and she was the like the school slut i guess you know like there was that one girl that just fucked everybody. But she had huge tits. And I didn't know that. All I knew was that she had nice tits.

So we dated, but she was an alcoholic. Like her mom was an alcoholic. Her sister. The whole house. They just got drunk. Like it was one of those where the mom invites all the kids over to drink, you know, type person. The cool parent. Yeah, yeah.

It's that motherfucking cool parent yeah you got to worry about but i didn't know that is uh she was always a this girl was always a troubled troubled person and when i dated her we broke up it was one of those where you break up every two months and then get back together break up two months and then it just got too crazy so i just i ended it i'm like you know we're done and then for maybe like six months, she was freaking out. Like she was trying to get me back. She would like show up at my work. I was going to say, were you still working together at that point?

No, at that point. So she'd show up. Yeah, she would just show up. I think I got a different job because of her. I think I ended up moving or just quitting my job and going somewhere else just because it was getting a little psychotic. And then I don't know why i did this it was my sister's birthday uh and uh it was near it was i remember it was i think it

was martin luther king weekend or like the uh the holiday uh weekend and uh my sister was having a party and i hadn't talked to this girl in a while i had been single this whole time and i was like you know what? I wonder if whatever happened to my ex. I wonder if she's okay. How long at the time? I would probably say I hadn't talked to her in maybe like three months or two months or something like that. And I was like, and I remember I called her.

I was like, hey, you know, it's Brian. Just, you know, checking in, seeing how you're doing. And then we ended up talking for like a half hour and everything. And then she's like, what are you doing tonight? And I'm like, I'm going to go to go to a bar and my sister's birthday she's having people at this bar she's like oh i want to stop by and say hi and i'm like all right fine you know so uh we uh she actually drove what was it oh she she uh drove to there and we met at the bar everything was fine she got crazy wasted and then when it time to uh to go home she's like uh i'm too drunk to drive can i crash at your

house and i'm just like well maybe i could play those tits one last time you know so uh we get to you know i get to my house and she started drinking more at my house and then i got blackout uh i want you back like crazy shit she uh super emotional yeah and then i was like you got to get out of my house like she started like really yelling and stuff like that then she started breaking like she she like she's like i bought you this i forget what it was it was a poster or something like that but it was like in a glass frame and she tore it off my wall and threw it at me and broke it and then i was like that's it get the fuck out of my house you're

destroying my house and then uh she wouldn't get out of my house and then i remember i had to like push her out the front door like uh like i opened my door i was like get the fuck out of my house shut the door i went upstairs i didn't even think like oh she's gonna have her car here i was like i don't care you find a way home uh because she had not only broken that she like kicked my refrigerator made a dent in my refrigerator like she started just tearing up my house uh and uh i went to bed and i passed out next Next morning, I wake up. I remember I was hungover. My answering machine was flashing. And I remember I pressed play and it's her crying.

And like, you know, answer the door, blah, blah, blah. And I guess she must have been ringing my doorbell. I was passed out. And then I knock on my front door and I open it up. It's two cops. And they're like, Brian, and my guy goes,

Dan, we wish you wouldn't have answered the door. Sorry, man. We're going to have to arrest you for domestic violence, assault, and unlawful restraint. Unlawful restraint because I didn't drive her home.

Because you moved her outside. Well, I didn't drive her home, so that's almost like a form of kidnapping. Like, hey, you... You said she could come here, and you didn't take her home. Yeah, and you didn't take her home. Why does somebody have to be form of kidnapping. Like, hey, you. You said she could come here. Yeah. And then you didn't take her home. Why does somebody have to be responsible for getting somebody else home if they want to

I don't know. I don't know. And they. So they cuffed me and they were like, and I was trying to tell him, like, look, she tore up the place and he goes, sorry, man, we believe you. He's like, he's like, she ended up walking down the street drunk last night, and a woman cop pulled her over. And she said that you guys got in a fight, and you pushed her out the door, and blah, blah, blah. And since the O.J. Simpson trial and all that stuff, we have a new law.

They nicknamed it the O.J. Law, where it's pretty much if a woman says you pushed her, we have to arrest you and figure it out later. And they nicknamed it the O.J. Simpson law for domestic violence and stuff. So if a woman just goes through a phone book. I mean, they know O.J. did more than just ask somebody to leave a door. O.J. wasn't like, I just want you to get the fuck out of here. But I think there was problems beforehand. Now he was telling me, a woman could pick a random name in a phone book and say you they that they hit her and we have to rest and they'll go rest yeah and then figure it out later yeah yeah and that goes

both ways by the way if a guy says a girl hit like nowadays uh so i remember uh i went to jail and it was like, I think it's Thursday morning. And like it was overcrowded or something like that. And I couldn't get in court, see a judge Friday. So I had to stay there the whole week. And so I was there from Thursday. And then Monday was like Martin Luther King Day. And I didn't get out till Tuesday. Yeah.

And I mean, and the only thing I've ever done was got caught shoplifting. So I am, it was overcrowded. It was just scary. It was scary as fuck. Why? Because it was mostly, well, it was like a room this size. It was very small. There was only three beds. And there was probably maybe 100 people.

Damn. Yeah. And it was all like drunk drivers domestic violence uh there was few like gang member type people there and there was no nowhere to lay so i remember i stole a toilet paper roll and used it as a pillow and i hid it at night behind the trash can and that would be my pillow that's how bad it was and uh i finally get out uh my mom bailed me out no problems in there no fights no fights it was actually pretty chill and uh everyone was in the same situation kind of shit uh they did have one tv where so we just watched oprah all day or whatever it was it was it was something like that yeah it was

something stupid it was like oprah on repeat or something and uh then i ended up having to go to court and get a lawyer and then we had to like do all this shit i had to go to like a psychiatrist this was this is a fucked up thing like they make you go to a psychiatrist you know like to prove that you're not like a crazy person you know i get there and i'm talking to a psychiatrist and then at the end he goes well i'm I'm going to have to end this right now. And we're going to have to switch you with somebody else in my office because I actually graduated with your ex. And I just realized it. And so my partner is going to take over.

So then this other guy comes in and finishes the interview stuff. And then in court they were like, yes yes he's very crazy he you can't be controlled because he knew her in high school and so he wrote it as if i was a bad person because he knew me so i had then spend money again go to another psych two other psychiatrists two different ones to show that hey that's not fair he went to high school he wrote it bad on purpose and then both of these two other psychiatrists like no, no, he's fine. Everything's cool. He's a normal guy. Then there was, I think I went to court maybe 11 or 12 times. She didn't even pick up the charges.

She didn't want anything to do with it. The state picked it up. The prosecutor. I learned that. Because a lot of times women are scared and they don't want them to retaliate. Exactly. They'll say, you can drop the charges, but we're going to carry it forward. Exactly. Anyways, after like 11 or 12 times, it came out that there was nothing done. You know, she destroyed my house.

I have pictures of all that. She actually, when I was pushing her out, she actually hit me with the face. And I had like a bruise. She had no bruises and i had actual bruise like in my mug shock mug shot you could actually see a bruise on my eye she had zero bruises because i only like did that and uh ended up they dropped all the charges and uh and then the day they dropped charges i remember going home and going what the i just spent like twenty thousand dollars you know that i don't have to pay back my mom and then she calls me she goes brian i'm so sorry that

all that happened how long of how long did all that take i'd say like seven seven months something like that and then she and you haven't talked at all i talked to i saw her in court she wasn't allowed to talk to me uh and then when i dropped all the charges she called me and wanted to hang out that night and i was like you yeah don't ever talk to me again and then when i dropped all the charges she called me and wanted to hang out that night and i was like fuck you yeah don't ever fucking talk talk to me again we are dead together she ended up dating a military guy and moved to overseas somewhere so she she's now like uh not even the united states anymore she's gone for good and uh so yeah that that really changed that that whole thing changed my life though uh when it came to women i now i was scared of like uh i was like i didn't know that was possible that they you know to get that much deep go to jail so like i'd be one of those

guys that you know if i was in a relationship the second a girl starts yelling at me i would secretly just turn on my voice memos on my phone, put it on the table. I would do all these little things. Like I had a security cameras now, like I will have like a security camera that I would like tilt towards the living room, you know, if something goes on and it's helped me actually a lot. Like there was two other times that it could have gone bad where I was like, dude, you on video right here you know or i have you on tape you know so it kind of it's kind of sad you know that i uh i became that but it's helped me out so much and that that's why like if you have a bad relationship if you're in a bad relationship

get the fuck you get the fuck out number one but always cover your ass because just watch live pd or cops you'll see how many times you you know, it's just bad people. And if you're around a bad person, they'll turn on you and it's going to cost you $20,000. Uh, but it happened to a friend of mine. He, um, he and his daughter's mom, they were arguing and, uh, she started punching them, hitting them. And then she called the police and the police show up and they put him in one room and her in another room and they interview him first and he's like we were arguing she got all pissed off at me they said did you cuss at her he said no i didn't cuss at her at all did you yell at her i didn't yell at her all did you touch her i did not touch her she hit me she's the one cussing and yelling and hit me

and she called you yeah so they interview her did he cuss at you? No, he didn't. Did he hit you? No, he didn't. Did he yell at you? No. And they go, but you hit him? She goes, I did. And they go, well, ma'am, we have to take you to jail. Yeah. He did nothing wrong.

You called the police. So she ended up calling the police on herself. She got, she had to have court supervised visits with her kids. Yeah. Like, they took her right to jail. Because they said, like, and he was like, look, that's not necessary. He did the same thing. It's not necessary.

No. Yeah. You can drop the. Right. No. Yeah. You can drop the charges if you want. Yeah. We're taking her. And they did. And then they pressed charges against her. And he dropped everything.

But the state just kept doing it. And the female cop that picked up my ex, like, she was the one really, like, that really pushed the prosecutors. Like, no, you should have saw her. She was crying. She was on the road, stranded by by herself he pushed her out the door like it like it was just such a perfect storm of bad stuff but i'm so lucky now though because i'm dating somebody when she called you there's nothing you could do with that information it could get your money back or any of the fucking yeah you know i

looking back it seems like yeah i should have. Like, the fact that she called me. Yeah, and then wanted to hang out? Yeah, but you know what? I don't even, I think she, the whole time, was against it also. You know what I mean? Like, she constantly was telling them.

So the state was doing this. Yes. I got it. But, yeah, it would have been nice to have, like, phone records and try to counter Sue or something like that.

Because, I mean, that took me years to pay that back. Like, especially because I was making, like, $10 an hour or something like that get my because i mean that took me years to pay that back like uh especially because i was making like ten dollars an hour and something like that but it sucked but it's i'm so lucky now though because uh the girl i'm dating now like we've been dating for three years and we haven't had any kind of fight that that even resembles a normal fight like she's she says oh no we fight once in a while. And I'm like, it's so adorable. She's like, remember when you left the macaroni cheese out?

And I was like, Brian, stop. And I'm like, that's not a fight. I'll take that shit all day long. Yeah, so now I'm like living in paradise, man. It's like the first time in a long time where I'm not paranoid or scared that something bad is going to happen or anything. I want to go back to something that you had mentioned off mic before we started talking about maybe it was being babysat.

Oh, yeah. So talk to me about how old are you and what happens? Who's watching you? Yeah, after my parents were – wait, was this when my parents were divorced? I think so. Yeah, I think so. Maybe it was like third grade right my parents were divorced? I don't, I think so. Yeah, I think so. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe it was like third grade, right?

Before they were divorced. We, we had, so I, I don't know, but if you play doctor with all the kids in your neighborhood, like we would like, we had me and my friend had three of the hottest girls in our school living on our street. Like they ended up being like the prom queen, the head cheerleader. But we were just lucky that we grew up on the same street as them. When we were younger, we would invite them all to my friend. He had a ping pong table and would go underneath the ping pong table and we'd play doctor.

And you were what, like nine or ten? I would say like, yeah. Yeah, I would say something like that. And we ended up doing this like a lot, though, like maybe once a month. So one of them had a sister, an older sister that was super hot. And she was my babysitter. And for some reason, I thought because they were related, like this girl wants it, too. And I remember she was my baby.

I think she was like 16, hot blonde chick. And I remember one thing I always said, like, can we make a fort? And she'd be like laying on the couch with her legs kind of like bent up and with a blanket over. And I would put my head on her crotch like a pillow. And I would just sit there and start like pushing back you know a little on her crotch and then i remember she would like take my head and just start humping the back of my head what the fuck was going on in your neighborhood dude good god and and like i didn't know like she was probably just straight up masturbating you know but she would like just hump the shit out of me

and i remember i got even like one time i went up and touched her boob that's on the outside and and she would just like do that all the time and uh now now she's uh like she's married with kids and stuff like i remember i think i i've said this a few times on stage before and this is 100 true i was so wasted once uh when facebook first came out and i found her and i was like, I want to know what she looks like. I want to know what she looks like. I want to know if she's still hot as fuck. In my head, I just had this memory and I just remember being blackout wasted

and I found her and she was married with kids and I remember I just wrote, I hope you babysit your kids as good as you babysat me. Oh my God, dude. You are the ever troll. Did she respond? No, but God, dude. You are the ever troll. Did she respond? No, but she liked it. Liked it?

Yeah. Like, I got my youngest in a neck brace right now. It's grinding on the back of his head. Oh, stinky neck. Good God. It did one of those things all that fast food drove y'all nuts on a test food but man that feeling though that when i woke up the next day and i'm like what did i do last night i'm like oh my god no wait i i'm the babysitter no wait i i wrote

something oh my god no and i remember like going, like logged on. I was like scared. Like, oh, she just liked it. Wait, that's fucked up. That is fucked up. But I was so scared. Like she was going to write me a letter. She never said anything. How, how's your relationship? Are your mom and dad still alive? How are your relationship with them now?

Everything's great. Both? Yeah. My dad, he's an engineer. He's tried to retire. Like he's one of those guys that he's tried to retire for the last 10 years.

Is he in Ohio? Yeah. And he's just such a smart guy that they keep on going, please, we don't have anyone like you. Our whole company will go under. So now they let him just work from home. He doesn't even have to do anything. He's getting paid retarded amounts of money.

My mom retired a long time ago. What did she do uh she was she just worked at winnie's and and like executive secretary type stuff uh then she ended up retiring and marrying a guy that owned an architect firm and he owned one of the biggest architect firms in ohio they built churches and most of the schools and stuff like that wow i used to work for him uh when i was in college. Yeah. Very straight edge, farmer type guy. And I remember in college

when they met, he's like, you could work for me at the architect. And I was like, okay. So I'd like go on acid and go to work.

Would you really? Yeah, because they just left me alone because I was the boss's, you know. What's that like to be on acid? Oh,

it was the worst dude if you have ever been in an architect firm it is just this silence that it's just creep and this was before mostly before a lot of people use computers it was a lot of uh just people doing it by hand like drafting by hand i would have to take these big blueprints and get them printed at this company uh and but it was so quiet and peaceful that like you just sit there and you can even stay awake like it was just like so what i would do is i would always like i would try things like acid and and i said you use acid a lot like in college i would like go to work all the time on acid uh like when i worked at ticket

master i remember i used to always have to go like thanks for calling ticket master where american expresses the preferred method of payment this call may be monitored for quality purposes by a supervisor. This is Brian speaking. But I used to have to do that like over and over like every every every 10 seconds, 30 seconds. And I remember when I was asked that I couldn't remember it. So I'd be like, hey, this is Brian Ticketmaster. Don't do anything. Hi. What have your parents come to see you do comedy? No. Well, no. My dad has. When I used to open up for Rogan all the time, there was a theater that's a humongous theater in Columbus, Ohio,

where you would go see the Nutcracker and shit like that. And so when I opened up for him there, I was like, this this is pretty cool dad you might want to don't don't judge me you know like uh my mom i would never let she's a very good girl religious like if she would faint if uh i know you're i've seen a set so yeah yeah she would faint if i she would yeah yeah she doesn't watch any of the podcasts no i don't like no. Luckily, one of the best things I did is early on, I started going by the name Red Band instead of my last name, Rykel. And so she doesn't even know about the Red Band part, so she's probably like, oh, I wonder what Brian's doing.

Oh, look at that. I have fake Facebook pages and stuff with my real name, and it's just like a picture of me in a waterfall. And every couple months, I'll post a picture of a frog and be like, I love frogs. You know, and like stupid shit like that. And mom's like, oh, he's such a good guy. He's out there looking at frogs. But yeah, so no, they don't.

I think my dad just recently got it. Do they communicate at all? Yeah, they don't. I think my dad just recently got it. Do they communicate at all? Yeah, they're cool. That's cool. Like, you know, my sister has nephews now, and so they share. They all see each other. Well, you have nephews.

Well, I have nephews. Your sister has kids. Yeah, she has kids. That's all I need. Nephews is good enough for me. Do you want kids? You know, at a point, I did. But when you live in L.A.,

you have to get to a certain point like I don't want to I can't have kids now like I've lived in the same place for 13 years I if I have a kid the kid's gonna find the cocaine I lost you know six years ago so like yeah I think you know if I

was a little better off like if I had a house and lived somewhere nice, maybe. But having a kid in Los Angeles is already crazy, in my opinion. And I think you have to be at a certain level of comfortable. I'm bad with money. I'll buy things blackout drunk in the middle of the night and be like, oh, I got a Tesla last night. Well, you're the reason I know that Tesla does that whole fucking light show. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Does yours have it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've read somewhere that that's sort of an Easter egg. Yeah, he has Easter eggs. But they're not in all of them, though, are they? No, they are. Only the one with the falcon doors. Okay, that's the one that does it. Because that's the only one that does it. But, yeah, are you? No, they are. Oh, it is. Only the one with the falcon doors. Okay, that's the one that does it.

Because that's the only one that does it. But, yeah, he releases Easter eggs all the time, sort of like little secret things you can do. But since it's computer, you can go get that Easter egg and then make your car do that, or it's just in the factory? Yeah, you can find it. It's like little hidden secrets. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

He does so many cool things. He just added like 10 Atari. You could play Atari on it now. For real? Yeah, you could surf the internet. It's one of the coolest things ever. Do you like it? Yeah, I'm glad I love it.

It's different driving it though from what I hear, right? It's like Tron. You have to learn how to drive it? No, no. It's so fast and so crazy and it's so fast and so crazy that it and it's so like like different than a regular car because there's no gears and stuff it's just on off you know like and so like when you're like in traffic you can go around cars like zoom up past them go over like

it's kind of like you're playing tron you know it it makes cars seem dumb like like i have a civic also and when i am in my civic i'm like oh my god it's like like having a cell phone and then going back to a beeper you know like it it kind of ruins cars for you because it's so crazy fast and good that it's when you go into a car seems antique like a caveman you know shit like well you're doing great dude yeah but like but that's how irresponsible like if i can't have a kid and being like you know coming home drunk buying a tesla in the middle of night and the people i know that don't have kids have shit like boats yeah you know what i mean yeah that's true you know they spend it on that kind of yeah but it's

great like i say i was saving up money for a while because i was thinking of buying a house you know so i've been saving up for a while and then recently i was like no it's silly to buy a house in la you know i'd rather buy a house in ohio yeah or something so that that's why i bought a tesla i was like i saved up all this money now i'm not going to use it uh i'll buy a tesla you know right but that's so irresponsible you know like and i've always been like that like really bad with money my whole life because they didn't teach i'm sure they teach uh credit cards and shit in high school i hope they do because i remember being in seventh grade we had a math teacher teach us how to write checks but that's all they taught you how to write it and

how to balance your check oh yeah they never taught you the responsibility of money and i i didn't get my first credit cards i was in college and that's when most people get them because you fucking need it right but they don't teach you about interest and how to pay it back and all that shit. No, and it was crazy because I was a little older because I got held back. So when I was in high school, I got a credit card. And I remember I got approved. Did you? Yeah, I got approved for, it was $1,000 maybe?

No, I think it was, yeah, I think it was $1,000. And I was like, wait, so I could buy anything and pay it back later? That's awesome. But I had no idea how to use a credit card. I remember I went to Sears, and I saw a LaserDisc player. And I'm like, what? LaserDisc player? $900?

I can buy that. Max my credit card on one purchase, bought a LaserDisc player. And the only reason it was 900 because it was on clearance because they stopped making laser like literally like they we didn't have internet or news back then so i had no idea laser discs were bombed so like well there was they didn't talk about laser disc players on the news and so like literally the day i bought it maxed out my credit card then laser disc went under and then i so like literally the day i bought it maxed out my credit card then laser disc went under and then i so like it's like i still have it it's brand new dude it's

like man you still have it yeah do you really yeah and like i i like i remember uh one of my best things is roger i got who framed roger rabbit and the laser disc edition is the only thing that has when she uh jessica rabbit falls out a car, there's like a brief couple seconds you can see her crotch. And they cut it out of all the versions except the laser disversion, so that's the only reason I kept that. You have the copy. The only reason I kept my

laser displayer so one day I could put it and go, oh, I can see her crotch. No one else can. So stupid. I can just look at a photo on the internet. It's probably out there. Well, dude, a photo on the internet. Yeah, I was going to say, it's probably out there. Yeah, it's probably out there now. Well, dude, thank you so much for coming on, man. I appreciate you opening up about your past. Definitely.

Will you please, one more time, promote whatever you'd like? DeathSquad.TV, that has everything, tour dates. San Diego, August 17th with George Perez and Aiko Tanaka. Oh, every first and third Friday, I do the Ice House. We do a show with nine comics. It's just nine comics from a lot of people who know them from Kill Tony or

all the Death Squad podcasts and stuff. It's always fun. So check it out. DeathSquad.TV. Thank you, bro. I appreciate you coming on. As always, I'm Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. Talk to you all next week.