The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Brittany Furlan

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Brittany Furlan! Brittany & I have been friends for a long time and I’m excited to have her on! Brittany shares stories about living every day of her life with a severe anxiety disorder. She also talks about her first time dating a narcissistic sociopath and the accusations thrown her way for marrying Tommy Lee. Check it out! Subscribe, download and review! Sponsors: Apply today at http://mytruition.com/honeydew Head over to http://bit.ly/MYBHoneyDew to double your cash on MyBookie!

Denver, I want to let you guys know about some dates. I will be at Comedy Works South, November 21st through the 23rd. Go to ryansickler.com, get your tickets now. Let's have some fun out there. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by MyBookie and Columbia College. More on that later. Let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.

Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans, doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. Head over to my website. Sign up for the email list. You'll be the first to know, you know, tour dates, merch, all that stuff coming out.

Locally, I'm at the Comedy Store coming up. You'll see me. Just check out the dates. Thehoneydoopodcast.com for this show. That's where you can find anything Honeydew related, merch. Follow me on social media over there. The show's over there. You can order honeydew related merch follow me on social media over there the show's over there you can order honeydew you can order honeydew that's my guest

over there uh you i should sell honeydew uh make sure you subscribe subscribe to your mom's house youtube page and people always ask what's the best way to help the show and that's to engage with the sponsors and you guys are doing that so keep that up help out the show um and if you're new to the show i say every week we highlight the low lights over here these are the stories behind the storytellers and my storyteller today very excited to have her here for the first time uh ladies and gentlemen please welcome britney furlong all right it's great to have you i love you ryan i love you i've known you for so long i was just telling these guys we go back to when you were just britney and punching me and laughing like you're an aggressive laugher so aggressive i'm a loud laugher you're a physical

laugher i know i literally punched you so many times and then because it's like i'm like elaine from seinfeld i can't physically contain my excitement so i have to physically like let you know how funny you are but punching you in the face yeah but you went from sitting on the couch beating me yeah yeah yeah to the first female on vine with over a million followers is that right and you have since they shut that shit down you have successfully transitioned into so much more. Yeah. I'm glad you're here.

I love you to death. We've been friends for years. I know. Please promote everything you'd like, please. Oh, right now, off the bat? Yeah, right now. All right, well, before you guys even know who I am, make sure to listen to my podcast, Worst Firsts, which started because i've gone on so many horrible dates i started as a youtube series and i was talking about all the worst dates i've ever

been on and there were so many and then i was like you know i'm sure so many other people have had this happen so i was bringing people on i want to have you on but it's worse first anything it could be worse first anything most people talk about dates but it could be worse first job it could be you know worse first time shitting your pants it could be like you know whatever yeah yeah no so i um i started doing that so i'm doing that now and acting and you know trying to get back into the whole group of everything so yeah it's been good i'm trying oh you're doing more and trying oh thanks sometimes i feel like i'm not doing enough well i was telling you that um i was talking to my friend, Jen, who I told her you were coming on the podcast and she's like, oh my God, I love her. And she said, you've

become a voice for anxiety and you are very outspoken about it and you're open and honest about it. So I'd love to talk about that first, but let's start with first, where are you from originally? I mean, I know, tell them where you're from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up in talk about that first, but let's start with first, where are you from originally? I mean, I know. Tell them where you're from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up in Percocet, Pennsylvania, which is outside Philadelphia, about 20 minutes outside the city. It's a small town.

It's just kind of fucking boring. There's nothing to do there. And so I grew up there thinking, I don't want to stay here pretty much my whole life. And I think a lot of my depression, anxiety started there because. Would you, could you trace it back to an early age? Yeah. Oh my God. Like I remember being like, oh, I was probably like four and my mom was like giving me a

bath. Oh my God. I don't even know if I should say this, but I'll say it. Whatever. My mom was giving me a bath and she was like asking me if she should leave my dad and i'm like what dude i'm like four why the i'm like did you know i'm four dude like i'm not like fucking like why are you asking me that like so inappropriate like that's not even the worst of it but that's like what i remember like being very little and being like,

I'm four. Like, you know what I mean? Like, she's like, do you think I should leave your father? Because, you know, his big cock doesn't really fit inside of me and all this shit. She said that? Yeah. No. Yeah.

She's like, his big elephant cock. Yeah. Those words. Dude, it's, like, impressioned in my brain. Like, I have a very good memory. Like, when I audition for shit, I can memorize, like, this. Because I just remember shit, like, really really well and i just remember being like oh my god like i mean at four to have that like at four i should be like not even aware like but just like hearing

the words like elephant cock at four you're just like about your dad yeah not just in general but your dad who throws you up in the air and fucking like i don't want to think about his cock i like me to swing under his leg yeah like weird i was like wondering what i bumped my head on a couple of times but yeah no it's trying to swim through his legs apparently that's weird i'll just go around uh yeah yeah no it's fucking weird dude so i just like my my. I love my mom. And we just started talking again. We've had many falling outs through the years.

But yeah, her and my dad got divorced when I was really young. And so. How long? Do you remember? I was like six. So a couple years after the initial conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she would take me over the dude's house that she was cheating on my dad with

and, like, sit me on the couch with his daughter and want me to be friends with her. And his daughter was in my grade, so it was super awkward. Oh, you actually knew his daughter? Oh, dude, the whole story is fucking, like, she was... We would go to the pool, you know, the pool, the local pool, local swimming hole, and he was, like, a really handsome guy. He was, like, a carpenter. He looked like fucking David Copperfield. He was, like, really handsome my mom and her friend rita were at the pool and

i would be there my mom was like i'm really into that guy and so then like they start talking and then my mom started bringing me over his house and like his daughter was in my grade but she was like a nerd and i didn't really want to hang out with her and she would like bring me over like oh you're gonna play with janet and i was like i don't want to fucking play with janet janet's fucking janet brings baby dolls to school we're like six like who does that you know she's fucking weird and so she would like bring me over there to fuck this guy and like sit me on the couch meanwhile this guy lived in a one-bedroom apartment so i'd be sitting on the couch with janet like fucking janet's like you want to see

my dolls i'm like no i don't want to fucking see your dolls and then i'd hear like oh my mom like in the fucking other room and i'm just sitting on the couch like the walls like moving i'm like this is fucked up like this is fucked up dude i was just fucking janet's like look at my dolls i'm like are you even know what's going on janet like janet do you fucking any idea what's happening right now and was he married or no no he was single yeah and so then eventually like the horrible thing is like so you carried that as a dude i had a fucking this was going on for like a year and i'm like every day i would go fucking over his house i

was like and i'm like look at my dolls it was like a groundhog's day anything to your dad no i never did but my no my dad worked a lot and my dad was really And like, because like, then my mom started doing it on weekends. And she'd be like, oh, I'm gonna go to the grocery store and I'll be back. And we wouldn't need anything at the grocery store. Like the fucking fridge was stocked. Like, what are you gonna buy? Like the same shit we already have. And so he got suspicious because she would go to the grocery store and be gone for like

two hours, you know. And this was before cell phones. This was before social media. This was before, you know, you couldn't really spy on people you could get away with pretty much murder back then you know what i mean um and so yeah one day she goes i'm gonna go to the grocery store and my dad looks at me and he goes where's your mom going like she left and he goes where's your mom going where does your mom go i want you to show me and because we'd gone there so many times the guy literally lived like 10 minutes from the house i just showed my dad and we fucking pull up and my mom's car is there yeah my mom's car is there and i'm sitting in the car i'm like six i'm like oh fuck like this is a fucking this is bad yeah

so fucking janet jay so playing with those crusty ass dolls by the way i love my stepsister i mean she's not my stepsister anymore because my mom ended up marrying that guy and getting divorced but i do love her she's very cool we ended up being friends but um but but so then my dad fucking walks up to the door and i'm just watching it all in the fucking little like car it's like just a suburb neighborhood dude it's like a fucking apartment complex that's like behind like another house like it's like hidden kind of and my mom's car was there i see my dad knock on the door and dave answers and then my mom's there and i just see like like them arguing and shit and then my dad leaves and then that was like the fucking straw that broke

the camel's back and then my mom was like i'm leaving you for dave and like dave was like a uh he was a carpenter so he didn't make as much money as my dad my dad made a lot of money like not a lot but like good you know and um he's a civil engineer and so then my mom leaves my dad like pretty much just leaves me and my brother like whatever like went totally fucking crazy and we just had your dad raised so my dad raised me and my brother by himself yeah yeah yeah he had soul custody that's yeah yeah yeah so like my dad and i are really close and you know he did a really good job like for being a dad on his own like having to work so fucking

much i mean he worked from 6 a.m to 8 9 pm. every night and would come home and take us out to dinner. And it was just like a lot. That's a long day when you're carrying an elephant cock. Dude, I don't even want to think about that. It's so gross. It's a lot of fucking. That's a lot of hours. Ew, Ryan.

Ew. I don't want to talk about my dad's penis anymore. Just fucking drop that shit. So yeah, so then my anxiety and shit started then because what I started doing was, or so my psychiatrist says, I started creating mascot syndrome because my parents were always fighting

and my mom was always flying off the handle like my mom would fly off the handle and like stab someone not like fly off the handle and just be mad she would like literally physically attack people and like break shit yeah yeah she chased my dad around our kitchen table with a knife damn and like that's why she's mad at me because i i did this documentary called The American Meme. Yeah. And I shared that. And she was so furious that I've told the world that. And I'm like, well, you shouldn't have done it when I was a little kid. So don't fucking do shit like that to your kids.

And then get mad at them when they tell people later, like it was fucked up. You know what I mean? And then she's like, well, there's more to that story. He was cheating on me, too. And I don't give a fuck who's cheating on somebody. You don't fucking chase somebody around a table with a fucking knife in front of your kid you just don't do that you wait till you're asleep yeah yeah if you're gonna kill him wait till i'm fucking asleep you know what i mean like god damn it like don't get me involved i now i'm gonna try to break this shit up and i'm

gonna get stabbed you know like i'm sick you know like it sucks so um so i started getting anxiety because i was constantly trying to diffuse situations and calm her down and because she didn't get custody of us did she want it or did she lose um she kind of disappeared with dave for a while and then when shit started janet he didn't have custody of janet janet was with her mom but he was she he had a visitation or whatever right so when i think shit started to go a little south with dave after a year then all of a sudden my mom's like i miss my kids i want my kids i want them and then went to court with my dad and freaked the fuck out in front of the judge and the judge was like uh nope like oh dad gets sole custody um you can have visitation with uh what is it called supervised visitation they're supposed to be like my a person from the court or like my person my grandmother and my aunt had to be there

otherwise we weren't supposed to be with her because she's fucking flipping out like you know it's life she was just flipping out off the handle. And so then, yeah, so my dad pretty much raised us. But I remember my anxiety starting then. And I remember feeling it and not knowing what it was. You know what I mean? I would go to school and I would be, like, very, like, shaky, tapping my hand, tapping my foot, like, nervous. I would always try to, like, diffuse situations if people were fighting or if there was just like tension or i was a nail biter leg yeah yeah yeah leg shaker i really shake my leg too my husband's like chill out yeah it's weird

you know when you go to brookstone you put your feet on those vibrant things and you take them off it feels worse i heard it burns calories just to like constantly tap your leg i mean i don't know how many but you know anyway so as a young girl too, are you having issues? Like, I mean, you're being raised by a single dad. Like, you know, training bras. Oh my God, it was so awkward. And you don't have your mom in your life on a daily basis or is she checking in?

No, I mean, my mom was like, I just, my mom was just like in and out, but she was so unstable for most of my childhood. Constantly drama. Like it was never like, I just, my mom was just, like, in and out, but she was so unstable for most of my childhood. Constantly drama. Like, it was never, like, I keep saying, like, I hate that I say, like, so much. Sorry, guys. It's the worst. So she was just constantly a source of drama.

It was just always constant, like, arguing or fighting or bickering, you know. It was just annoying. But I developed OCD first. That was the first thing I developed. What do you remember doing first? Parents got divorced. it was just annoying but i developed ocd first that was the first thing i developed right what do you remember doing parents got divorced my anxiety built up so much that it turned into like a weird fear where i would have to i my dad was like you got to come down to school come on hurry up and i had to unplug and replug my curling iron in eight times that was the number eight or my

family would die so i'd like one two three four five six seven eight uh like seven at this point yeah so i was like seven years old and i was like doing my hair and i had like a little like little girl curling iron thing and i had to unplug it and replug it in seven times or my whole family would die and then i'd have to go downstairs go back up the stairs go downstairs go back up the stairs seven times or eight times it just it was i don't remember what and you just developed that habit that number that yeah it was it was i think it was eight it was eight or seven anyway so i would go up and down the stairs up and down the stairs that many times and come back down and my dad noticed i was like taking so long to get downstairs

to go to school and he was like what the fuck is she doing i'd have to lock the door unlock it go back inside lock the door every day all these rituals I had so many and I couldn't not do them because then I was afraid oh if I do that and I go to school my dad's gone my brother's gone my dog I loved my dog Buffy she was a little cocker spaniel I was like then the curling iron is going to be on and then the house is going to burn down and Buffy's going to fucking get you know on fire it was horrible right so then my dad started noticing I started doing it and then it turned into a physical thing where if I bumped into you, I'd have to bump you eight more times to give it back.

Eight's my favorite number. Isn't it? I love eight. And I love seven. I have seven tattooed on here. So then my dad kind of just let it go and was like, oh, she's just going through some quirky shit, right? So then I'm at school.

And I'm sitting at school and our desks were in pairs going down a row in pairs and my desk was next to Michael Schramier I will not forget this shit because when my teacher sat me next to him I was like I cannot be sitting next to this fucking Michael Schramier because he eats his fucking boogers and he sticks him on the desk and he fucking coughs and shit he was weird looking at like a weird like his head looked like hey Arnold but it was like a regular human head so it was like something was wrong with it and i was like what the fuck don't sit me because in my head i my desk was touching him so then his juices his human weird juices were gonna flow through his desk

into me and i was gonna become like michael schrammeyer so and you're gonna have the eight boogies fucking issues right my head was just gonna go Like it was just fucked up right So fucking issues right so I had sat next to really cute people Pretty much my whole thing had become an issue So I get this teacher she sits me next to Michael Schramier I'm fucking furious I sit down and I inch my desk

A little bit away just this much Just you know an inch cause that way it's not touching And his germs can't go through his desk into me The teacher sees me do that And she walks over and she pushes the desk back and i'm like you fucking bitch i'm about to turn into a fucking goblin do you understand what you're doing to me like i didn't get so i moved the desk back as soon as she turns around she hears me do it she comes back she moves it back again and then i waited a little bit till she went and sat down at her desk and then i fucking inched it really deep.

But you know those fucking desks, they're like, like, you know, it's like no matter how, like it's like no matter how fucking nice you try to do it, they're like these metal school desks and so they make noise

and so she gets up, she pushes the desk back and she goes, leave it, really mean to me and I just start crying and I run out to like the little common area that you have, you know, your pod or whatever it is, right? So she comes out to the pod and she goes, what is wrong?

Why won't you leave the desk? And I told her, I said, because Michael Schramier's germs are going to flow through the desk and go into me and I'm going to look like Michael Schramier. I'm like freaked out. Right. And she was like, whoa, send this kid to the counselor. Right.

Just right down to the counselor. And then the counselor found out I had OCD and realized that I was doing all these rituals and tapping people and tapping it eight more times. And then I got into therapy and got rid of it eventually. What age did you get into therapy? Young. I was like seven. It was like all because of the divorce.

Like I was very, yeah, I was very, but I was so glad my parents got divorced. That's the weird thing because my mom was so stressful on me that when she left, I was like,

ah, thank fuck. Like it was like calm, you know, and quiet. Cause my dad's, right? My dad's so normal.

My grandmother used to say it to me all the time. Ryan, you have calmed down so much in the last year. I'm like, yeah, I don't have that stress anymore. Once the source of the fucking craziness leaves, you're like, oh, thank fuck. I can just chill, you know?

Because my dad and my brother were so mellow. And so I was happy my parents got divorced. But people were, you know, by then the damage had been done. I'd seen so much. I'd gone through so much. And at such a young age. Yeah, I i mean and heard so much and watched so much and i was just like this is too much um and you know and it continued because then you know my dad felt bad for my mom and so she would uh come over our house at like 12 o'clock at night and she where was she living like an apartment

in the apartment and this was still when i was like you know a year or so after all this and um she would be like i miss the i want to see the kids and my dad was so nice you know even though she was supposed to have people there he would she would knock on the door at like 12 o'clock at night and be like i need to see britney i need to see britney and i'd be like in bed and my dad get me and bring me down and i'd get in the car with her and she'd be like crying and she's sitting there in the car she'd be crying and she'd drive me like up by this uh place called the white horse which was like a bar and she's driving and i was thinking about refinance and i'm right right so she'll be crying so she'll be crying and she'll be like i just want to let you know she'd be like I'm letting you know I'm killing myself

What? Yeah she'd be like I'm just wanting to let you know that I'm killing myself Like slowly or she was going to No she's going to kill herself So she wanted to say goodbye And she's like I'm going to leave everything to you and your brother And I love you guys I'm sitting there and I'm like crying

It's picture day tomorrow mom Fuck god damn it Like give me a fucking break that's a shitload for meanwhile i'm just like touching everything like god damn it i gotta open this glove department eight times before you kill yourself let me just fucking roll this window it was horrible yeah it was horrible so so said that yeah so she's like i'm planning on killing myself in the middle of the night driving around crying so up with her till like 5am Driving around convincing her not to kill herself She's like I never

See you and your brother anymore All this stuff and no she wasn't gonna do it when I was in the car She was gonna do it some other time What did she tell you how? No she just said she was going to and I was like why And then I start crying right so then She dropped me back off I'd be like I love you She's like you're not gonna kill yourself right

No okay so drop me back off and back with my dad it's fucking 5 a.m then i gotta go to school at 8 so i get three hours of sleep no cell phones or anything nothing nothing he doesn't even know where you know so i'm like i go to school and i'm just like half asleep like one eye open it was horrible and then um this became like a regular thing she would do every couple months she would come knocking on the door at this time of night and get me in the car, tell me she's going to commit suicide. I'd have to talk her out of it. So it was like really draining on me as a human being and as a young person. And it just instilled so much neuroticness in me. And plus, obviously, mental illness clearly runs in my family.

My grandmother, my dad's mom, who I love, my grandma Flora, she was institutionalized for depression and had, you know, electric shock therapy. And my dad, I think, has depression, but doesn't really he's always really tough and always puts on a brave face for us. But then my mom, I don't know what she has something and um so i just think what happened is i just got a bad gene pool and then getting exposed to so much drama and so early scariness so early it made me it just set me up for fear and so i stayed in fear constantly and i would get to school and I just remember feeling completely out of nowhere. I would feel like my heart would start pounding out of my chest. I'd start sweating

and I would be convinced that I was having a heart attack. And I would go to the nurse and I would make them call my dad and I would make my dad take me to the emergency room. And then this became like a regular thing where I would make my, I told my dad, I said, I'm going to die of a heart attack and it's going to be blood on your hands. You know what I mean? I'm like seven years old. I'm like seven. And I'm like seven or eight years old.

And he's like, blood on your dick. Brian. So my dad would take me to the emergency room and it just would happen so often that at one point. I've never heard a child that, look, obviously. So young. Yeah. Eight years old.

I've heard this from adults. Like I think I'm having a heart attack. I've never heard this from a child. Eight years old. I said I'm having a heart attack. My heart's about to explode. I'm sure it's out there in that world, but I haven't. Have you, have you ever met another person?

No. I'm the youngest case of it that I've seen. Eight years old. That I've seen that young. So I would go to the emergency room. Just feeling your heart. My heart would be literally like, you could almost see it.

It was beating so hard. And then they would take me to the emergency room and I got to know everybody. By the time I walk in, I'd be like, oh, hey, darling, today's the day. I'm about to say goodbye to everyone. And then they'd bring me back there. And back then they didn't give me any drugs

because I was so little. I was eight. They would take my blood pressure. They would take my pulse and everything. They, you know, take my pulse and everything. Say, you're having a panic attack. That's when I first learned about it. They'd say, honey, you're having a panic attack. And they would give me a paper, brown paper bag.

And I'd have to breathe into the bag until I calmed down. Then they'd show me my EKG and all my vitals and everything. And then I'd calm down once I knew I wasn't dying. But it became like a regular thing you know and I was always making my dad take me and and so eventually um things got worse as I got older because I hated feeling this way all the time and I got really dark and I got really into my art and I got really um negative and just because you feel like shit all the time and i just was like i don't want to feel like shit anymore i hate this i would like come home from school

and like tie belts around my neck and like yeah because the weird thing is like uh probably like 15 yeah because i got put into a hospital at 16 because i was cutting myself i was gonna ask yeah it's bad it's bad so you're taking it out on you because i was felt so fucked up i didn't want to die but i didn't want to feel this way anymore because i was so much crazy shit going on inside my body were you mixing alcohol and drugs i didn't do any drugs i don't remember nothing not a drug i didn't touch shit i was just fucked up inside emotionally so what do you mean you would come home? Where'd you even hear the idea about?

I mean, I know the belts with auto erotic. Yeah, that stuff. But I had no idea about that. I don't know what about it was just made me one day. I don't know what it was. I was like, I just want to pass out because I don't want to be awake right now. You wouldn't put it on the doorknob or anything? No, no, no.

I wasn't trying to kill myself. I never wanted to die. I just wanted an escape. So I just pull it really tight. And until like I got like kind of, cause it would make me feel kind of loopy. And then I would take it off and go to like, go to sleep.

So in that way, I wasn't thinking and I wasn't feeling. And then I started cutting because cutting was like an emotional release. You know, like when you cut, you get endorphins i mean i have scars on my ankles i don't know if you can see them but yeah and the light kind of like you can see all the marks but yeah um yeah so when i used to hide them and i would go to school and where would you do it in the bathroom usually my legs in my room i mean my dad wasn't home you

know my dad had to work and we didn't have a babysitter my brother would just watch me because you know he's two years older than me so just be me and my brother my brother be off doing drugs with his friends and i would be home by myself with the dog and i didn't have any friends because i was so weird and so adult because i'd been through so much already i couldn't relate to kids like they'd go to school i'd go to school and they'd have toys and i'd be like why the fuck are you playing with you know what i mean or they'd be talking about dumb shit and i'd be like what like i just wouldn't get it because i was so grown up already you know like sitting listening to people fuck and hearing about my dad's elephant dick and all kinds of shit i was like i'm way too advanced for this shit yeah yeah you don't know i I couldn't handle it. I was like two, like two growing up. I felt like a 30-year-old in like a, in like a, you know, a 15-year-old's body.

And so. But see, you had the situation where in your relationship with your mom, mine was the same. You were actually responsible for being the adult in that situation. Oh, God. I was like the parent. Of course you're not. And still. Mentally or emotionally set to handle that.

Not at all. Not even close. Like I was going through such a weird phase in my life. Do you remember the first time you cut yourself? The very first time you tried? I don't remember the first time. I just remember, I don't even know how I got the idea. I think I remember coming home from school being so frustrated and I hated everyone.

I would go to school and I would be funny. Like I got voted class clown. You did? Out of everyone in my high school would be funny. Like I got voted class clown. You did? Out of everyone in my high school. Most likely to become an actress and class clown. Out of the girls and the guys. Wow. Because I was so outgoing and I would like be funny and make people laugh because I was

always used to being the mascot, diffusing situations and that kind of thing. But I hated everyone secretly. And I would get home from school and I would be like, oh, another fucking day, you know, take my clown mask off. Yeah, take your cougar mask mask off fucking Wiggles is tired you know like Wiggles the clown is very tired you know it's just fucking shitty and then I get home and I'd be so depressed I had no boyfriends I had no real friends I made one friend my friend Nadine who I still love and is one of my really good friends who was also just raised by her dad and went through traumatic shit as a kid so that's why I think we got along and um so I just one day I was just like I don't want to think about I couldn't stop my brain and I

and I didn't want to feel this way and uh I just was started cutting my arm and the relief a knife yeah just like a knife from the kitchen drawer you know but they were like shitty so it didn't really do much it was like like pressing super hard it wasn't like some guy fieri shit it was like horrible it's like my dad's like fucking two for one knives that came hard i'm like dude this shit couldn't even cut a piece of fucking bread like what the fuck i was just sitting there all day like like it was horrible. So I would like cut my, you know, my leg or my arm. I don't know if you can still see. I used to not really do it on my arms as much because it would show.

But on my legs more. That's all your legs. Yeah. So then I started doing that. And that provided like a weird release because it was like at you when you cut yourself and you bleed it your body kicks endorphins in and so that was almost like a um that's your high it was like a high so that was my escape from all my anxiety and stuff for a while and so i would go to school be funny come home fucking slice my body up and go to sleep right

but i never wanted to kill myself ever that wasn't you weren't hitting veins no no no this was very like superficial just enough to draw blood and then i'd be like okay i'm good you know it was weird um so then uh i would i would like put on like radio head karma police and like go about my day and then come back to school let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor my book. If you want to put your extensive sports knowledge to the test and get it done at MyBookie. With the NFL in full swing and the NBA and NHL seasons upon us, it's time to get off the sideline and get in on the action

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Their mission is to improve lives by making college affordable. That's the truth. That's Truition. Apply today at mytruition.com slash honeyew now let's get back to the do um so then i would i went to school and at i was like 15 at this time and then they were doing uh well uh what is it called um physicals because some of the kids i went to public school some of the kids in my school their parents didn't have health insurance and wouldn't take them to the doctor so they made it mandatory that everyone at school had to get a physical at

school. So they had like a doctor come in and they were doing it grade by grade. Right. So I just hear this over the, the, uh, what's it called? Speaker,

whatever audit, whatever. And so they said, we're going to have physicals. And I was like, Oh fuck. Cause I knew I was cutting myself. I was like,

I'm going to get, they're going to see this shit. Oh, I fucking, you can see all the lines. It looked like I've been attacked by a. I was like, I'm going to get. They're going to see this shit. Oh, I fucking. You see all the lines. It looked like I've been attacked by a cat. So I go down. They call my class down.

Everyone's in line taking time. All the girls. And then you got to get undressed and get your physical and then leave. Right. So it's my turn. And I go in and I go, I don't feel comfortable with this. And I don't want you to see my body. And I acted like it was about body stuff. And so they were like, you have to, everyone's doing it.

It's women. There's only women. We'll have only the nurse inspect you. We'll bring the principal down. She's a woman, whatever. Right. They made like a big fucking deal about it that I just couldn't say no to getting undressed in front of them, which I think is kind of fucked up. So finally I get undressed and i knew as soon as i fucking took my clothes off they were like and then i was like fuck and then they were like are you cutting yourself and i was like no i washed my dog and it scratched me what the fuck do you think sharon the fuck so yeah so they were like's a problem. You shouldn't be doing that. Are you okay?

So I like fucking bring me in the principal's office, make a whole fucking scene out of it. Call an ambulance. Like I'm fucking dying or some shit. Yeah. Call fucking. And then you gotta be walked out in front of the school and shit. Well, at least they were courteous enough to wait till everyone was on lunch so that everyone was in the cafeteria and no one saw it. But they walked me out to the ambulance. They put me in an ambulance.

And the thing that sucked is that my dad was out of town at the time. So my aunt was watching us. So they called my dad. My dad's out of town. They called my aunt. And I go to the hospital. And I remember I go to the hospital. And they put me in this room.

And the room has all rubber furniture. Like a fucking blue rubber table. Rubber, like like some real fucked up shit. And I'm like, oh, God, like, what am I going to do? Fucking gouge my out on the corner of a chair or some shit, you know, like, fuck, I'm not even trying to die or anything. And, you know, the the social worker comes in because my dad wasn't that my dad was out of town and my aunt. And then I would have felt helpless if i was it's the war yeah my dad i felt so bad for my dad is more who i felt bad for and so then the social worker comes in i mean that i just yeah yeah yeah awful predicament to be awful awful especially because he didn't travel a lot so it was like happened to be like a shit time yeah

so that's what sucks and then a social worker came because he was out of town and then my aunt and my aunt i felt so bad she didn't know what to do she was just like oh like i love you i don't know what the fuck this is and um she's really sweet and then my the psychiatrist comes in the hospital psychiatrist and like why are you cutting yourself i'm like well why the fuck do you think you know what i mean like happy people don't do this and i was like i'm depressed i don't want to feel this way I told her how I feel and you know she was like well we're not allowed you're not allowed to do that you know like you're not allowed to fucking cut yourself it's not healthy blah blah blah all the shit and I was like I'm gonna do what I want to do

kind of thing and then it turned into you know me getting put into this place, um, in, it was just shitty. It was like the worst place ever. I'm not even going to say the name of it, but it was a hospital for people. Um, you know, like a month, I wouldn't say mental hospital, but halfway, not a halfway it was for, but it was for young people. So it was like a, uh, yeah, like I would say a mental hospital. So it's actually so crazy because. Yeah, 16. So they take me to this place and I get, they take everything from you. They take, you know, your bra. They take, like I had lip gloss.

They took that. I'm like, how the fuck am I going to kill myself? What am I going to drink? This like 2.5 ounce of lip gloss, like stab myself in the fucking eyelash like what am i gonna do they take that they take your bra they take everything and they give you like a hospital whatever gown and then they take you to your room and it's like a rubbery kind of bed situation with and i had a roommate and my roommate at the time like actually almost every girl in there was black i was like pretty much the only white girl. There was like a white guy. And it was really crazy.

I was like, I was like, this is like the weirdest situation I've ever been in. And I'm the first night I'm crying because I'm feel helpless. You know, I'm like, I'm stuck in this fucking it smells like shit. It's dirty. It doesn't not well taken care of place. I got this girl sleeping next to me on a fucking cot over here. I don't know her. I find out the next day. I'm she this girl sleeping next to me on a fucking cot over here i don't know her i find out the next day um she she's sleeping next to me so i'm crying and she rolls over and she's like be quiet and i'm like damn fucking somebody's comfortable here like my bad like

sorry must be a veteran here huh fuck someone's well versed in hospital stay like my bad like sorry sorry fucking tisha it's my first time in a fucking mental hospital i'm a little upset my bad didn't mean to disrupt your fucking valium sleep you know what i mean so i'm fucking crying and i'm praying to god and i'm like fuck this is so fucked like get me out of here i hate this like i hate being in places i don't know i barely ever did sleepovers because I didn't like staying over other people's houses. So I was like totally upset. My dad wasn't there. And I didn't know how long I was going to be stuck in this fucking place.

Right. And so I'm crying. I'm crying. And then they do checks, which is like when a nurse comes in every couple minutes, like I'd say like 10 or 15 minutes, they come and they look, they just look in your room and then they shut the door, which is also awful if you're trying to fucking sleep like every 15 minutes all right like it's fucking annoying so the nurse comes in and i'm crying and she was a fucking bitch and she comes up to me and she you know a couple times she checked i was still crying and then she comes

up to me and she goes you're coming with me and she grabs me by the fucking hair and she pulls me out of bed yeah she fucking grabbed me she was fucking pissed this was the first night there and she drags me down the hallway and it's fucking people moaning and shit it's the worst this long white fucking sterile ass hallway with all the everybody's doors it's just fucking awful like the worst shit you can you've seen it like in movies kind of like it's the worst shit you can imagine and then there's this metal door at the end of the hallway and it's the quiet room and she fucking opens the door and there's a fucking piss stained mattress on the floor with padded walls and there's a fucking girl in there and she's freaking the

fuck out and she goes if you don't be quiet you're going in this room this is the quiet room isn't that fucked up you know what's really crazy too i just watched american horror story and in one of the episodes they show a mental hospital and there's a fucking room that looked just like it was just says the quiet room like did someone go through this i went through or maybe every mental hospital has a quiet room i don't know anyway so she shuts the door i'm like jesus christ and brings me back to my room and i remember i just this is why i believe in God, because I prayed to God so hard. They didn't even give me anything to calm down.

Nothing. Right. Because I hadn't seen the hospital psychiatrist there yet. So I'm laying there and I remember praying to God to just let me calm down because I'm having panic attacks. I'm freaking out like my heart's pounding. You know, normally I'd take my make my dad take me to the hospital. She's got no fucking out. She's freaking out. Like my heart's pounding, you know. Normally I'd make my dad take me to the hospital. Tisha's got no tolerance policy. And fucking Tisha's just out.

She's fucking out. I'm like, bitch, you're way too comfortable. Like why the fuck are you so comfortable, bitch? Like she's so comfy. So she fucking, I'm laying there and I'm praying to God. And I just remember this weird feeling. Not to like make anybody feel weird about God stuff. Cause I know some people don't believe in it.

It's fine. I remember laying there and I felt all of a sudden in my head, I saw it like these angel wings just go over my whole body. And then boom, put me to sleep. Wow. And this is not them giving me anything. And I don't know,

maybe I was in shock cause I was so traumatized. My heart was beating so fast. Maybe I just died for a little bit. Sure, Tisha wasn't pulling a blanket over your motherfucking face. Yeah, she just fucking stabbed me with a fucking epidural knee. Put the pillow over your motherfucking face. Tisha, goddammit, I thought we were going to be friends. So, so fucked up.

So the next day I wake up and her name wasn't Tisha, but it was something like that. It is now. It is now. So her name wasn't Tisha, but it was something like that. And so it is now. So for the story, Tisha. So she wakes up and she's fucking all mad and shit. Cause like I was crying and she's like, is she about your age? She's about my age. Yeah. She's about my age.

And so she's packing all her shit, like her clothes and folding them and shit. Cause we had like little drawers and she's putting all her stuff up on the counter. And I was like, what are you doing? And she's like, my family's picking me up today. And was like oh that's awesome i was like you're leaving you're so lucky like i don't know when i'm getting out of here and whatever she's like yeah whatever like not talking to me right this bitch was there the next whole week packing her shit every day she this was a thing she did and at the end of the night the nurse would unpack her shit and put it away she really thought someone

was coming for her it's so sad and then i found out in group that she'd been raped by like every guy in her family horrible right horrible so it was horrible you go the thing that was weird about this hospital is that like it wasn't regimented like when we went to have breakfast it was just styrofoam bowls which is so weird like why would you not get shit that's recyclable i don't know whatever so styrofoam bowls plate plastic spoons and forks and they'd set all the cereal boxes up and then you had to pour your own cereal and everyone had to pour their own milk and shit and i'm so germ germy that like i didn't eat almost the whole time i was there how long were you there like a couple days like not that long my dad got me out pretty quick anyway so like they would we would pour cereal and then these people

would be like pouring the milk and there was all kinds of people guys like fucked up girls and then they would like stick their fingers around the rim and like i was like like i'm not fucking drinking that shit so eventually i have my one-on-one meetings with my psychiatrist and i managed to convince her that i was like yeah no i just like i'm cool you know i'm never gonna do this again i just wanted attention i like lied because i was just like i know that that's the only way i'm gonna get out of here because telling the truth got me in there so i was like if i lie then i will get out of here because isn't that so that's how fucked up the mental health system is, is that you have to be dishonest about how you feel in a school.

That's why I think it's so funny all these hotlines. Call this hotline and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, if you call a hotline and tell them how you really feel, they're going to send a fucking ambulance to your house. You know what I mean? So it's kind of shitty. And the way they treat people, I don't know if it's different now, but the way they treated people then I don't know if it's different now, but the way they treated people then

was like you were a criminal. I mean, I was treated like a prisoner. You know, like I'd killed someone. Meanwhile, I was suffering. And they're just dirty. The facility was dirty and the people there didn't want to be there. You could tell.

They were just like, ugh. No one was nice. No one smiled at you. No one hugged you. No one made you feel loved or comforted. It's so interesting. All the things that someone in this situation should need. That's it.

You're in your institution. You're treated like you're a fucking, that's it. You're a fucking animal. So the psychiatrist goes, well, I hope you know, and this is how much of a cunt she was.

She goes, she goes, I hope you know how much you cost your insurance company because this is expensive i was like fuck you gertrude like go fuck yourself you know in my head but i was like oh yeah my bad whoops get me out of here so the only way they agreed to get me out of there was if i did outpatient so i had to start going into an outpatient program which was with a new psychiatrist who i love nell bowers i don't know where she is these days shout out to nell bowers she was actually rad the only thing outpatient you'd be able to stay home and what stay home and then i have to go a couple times a week a couple times it was

like three three times a week to to meet with the night no no no no no outpatient you stay home so they convinced my they we convinced uh the hospital let me do that. And then Nell was trying to find a medicine for me because my dad didn't want me to get put on medicine because he was against that. I don't blame him. He thinks it makes you worse. And in the long run, I really think if I had just gotten out of the situation I was in, I wouldn't have needed medicine.

I think all the anxiety and all the problems I had were from my situation and being where I was. You're holding secrets from your dad about your mom. Yeah was horrible my whole and i had no relationship with her at that point it was just a tumultuous thing and it was horrible and it was affecting me and i was depressed and i hated school and it was just so much that on top of you're the mascot and on top of it i had to go and be happy yeah and then i was like worried like oh my god when i show back up at school is everyone gonna know my secrets and i I feel like I was going to be revealed. No, thank fuck.

They like because I wasn't gone that long. So like then I just told people like I went on like a trip with my aunt or something, some bullshit. And so I started going to therapy and then I got put on medication to try this stuff called Effexor, which I'm still on. Fucking how many years later? I tried to get off of it a thousand times i got off of it successfully not successfully because i'm back on it i got off of it actually come on what the fuck am i talking about unsuccessful i got off of it unsuccessfully um it's called effects or xr if anyone's listening to this that takes it knows the struggle is like

it's the it's the worst drug is it the crazy is a crazy side effect no the thing is is if you try to get off of it it's like heroin withdraw really your body freaks the fuck out like you get sick you get like dope like i don't know not that you've ever done heroin but you get like dope sick where you're like like you just feel like you're gonna fucking die and so it and then it lasts forever and i've been on it since 17 years old so they started me at a super high dose well not super most people some people are on like 300 500 milligrams which is insane but they started me at 150 and i'm a little person i was even littler then so that was a lot for me extended release but it got rid of the panic attacks it did it did so it got rid

of the panic attacks completely gone i was able to live my life it made me tired but you stopped so stopped cutting eventually yeah yeah eventually okay i cut even a little bit when i came back from the hospital i did because i like i'd not gotten on the medicine yet and uh i was at dinner with my dad and i reached to grab something and my long sleeve went up and he saw it and he looked at me and we just made eye contact and then he fucking chased me up the stairs and like put me down he's like why are you doing this and he's crying and i was like i'm sorry like it was it was awful so i just never did it again because i made my dad fucking cry that was the time you stopped yeah because i made my dad cry like this was like the strongest

figure in my family who just was like unbreakable my dad's so tough like my dad just had cancer and beat it thank god prostate cancer really bad he had to go get chemo radiation like it spread up to his like groin area and it was not good and the whole time i would call my dad and be like dad like are you okay like what's going on my dad be like I'm great like like no other every other person be like I feel sick I'm achy like feel bad for me you know he's like a like the most non-victim I've ever met I'd be like dad dad how do you feel he'd be like still with my hands I'm like dad making jokes making jokes with your nuts rotting off like what are you doing dad um so yeah so then uh where am i okay so i got put on the effector really high dose and then i was on the effector and the vexer made me tired and then when

i got to college i couldn't focus because i was sleeping so much i came to la to be an actor my dad was like well while you're in la this was when i was 18 now while you're in la 17 18 while you're in la you have to take another you know study something else because i want you to have a backup plan so i went to fashion school and in fashion school i met my friend jen who was taking adderall and she was like dude you got to get this shit it makes you skinny and you stay awake all day and i was like fuck yeah jen hook it up because i was so tired at this point from the fucking effects. They're just like, you know, zombie. So I got on Adderall and then took it. While taking the effects.

Well, my doctor gave it to me. He was like, it's cool. It's fine. And I was unstoppable. Like, I'm telling you, Ryan, that shit's like the blue pill. Like, I didn't get a cold. I didn't get a cold for like eight years. I've snorted it.

Cold for eight years? I was just like, ah! I was too fast. The cold couldn't catch me. The flood was like dodging the flu. This bitch is too quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Too quick.

Kate missed me with those germs. You know what I mean? Like too fast. So on Adderall forever. That's the magic one. Finally, I realized that the Adderall, I don't know what happened. My body chemistry must've changed, but like I'm like 25 years old, 26,

after being on it for like six years, my heart started to get like, cause it makes your heart fucking beat, which is weird that it didn't give me anxiety. Cause I was on the high dose of a Fexor. So that was keeping me from having the panic attacks. And I took that at night and then I took the Adderall to wake up and take the Adderall to wake up. You're like, like a robot,

you know, you can be tired as shit. You take the Adderall and you're like, I'm ready for a service. Like, and then you take your Adderall shit and then you go about your day. And so I was like taking up basically up or down, up and down, up and down, up and down all day for six years. And then finally my heart, I started getting weird chest pains in my heart and i go to the cardiologist and um he goes you have a um basically like my the adderall made was making my heartbeat so crazy that it made one of my i don't know if it's called it's not a mitral valve prolapse but it's anyway, the tube of my heart like malformed. And so you have a flap on your heart, something regurgitation.

And so blood was spilling over my heart and kind of essentially drowning my heart. My heart was beating too hard. Because the Adderall racing. Because the Adderall racing my heart too much. It made the valve malform. And so I had to stop the Adderall. And so that was when I lost my life force. There it goes. And so I had to stop the Adderall and so that was when I lost my life force there it goes

which is crazy because I'm already so hyper can you imagine me on fucking Adderall I think this is residual Adderall I do because I wasn't like this before I think it's in my brain stem yeah fucking psycho right so I think it's in my brain stem

it's just leaking out so then I stopped the Adderall and I just was on the Effexor to be a fucking psycho right so it's like i think it's in my brain stem it's just leaking out um so that's then i stopped the adderall and now i just was on the effector and then i you know he said and it could be the effector too so you might want to consider reducing some of the effector and then i'm of course on google googling oh this effector can make your can fuck up your heart okay so then i'd start decreasing the effector and it's the worst thing i've ever gone through my whole life like i oh my god like you the anxiety years of anxiety unaddressed anxiety just fucking in my stomach just yeah it's our time like release the kraken and it just fucking

came out and i started having panic attacks again i started freaking the fuck out but i was like no i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this and i wasn't leaving my house and I was staying in the house all day. And I was dating a guy at the time and he was really nice and he kind of took care of me and love me through this. I don't know how, but he did. Um, cause I was still funny.

So he was like, Oh, she's crazy, but she's funny. You know what I mean? I made him laugh. Good at sucking dick. You know what I mean?

It's like, what are you fucking, you know, you take what you can get. I'm not crazy. Like I'm going to kill you. I'm just like, you know, I have anxiety. i'm a sucker for the funny girl right funny and good at sucking dick so it's like what are you gonna do not hard on the eyes you know what i mean so

uh so he stayed with me through that and then uh i weaned myself off completely and that's when vine came out and i wasn't leaving my house and if you notice like if you go back to my beginning vine videos when i first started doing it, I look fucking like hell. I look like a skeleton. My under eyes are all dark. I look crazy. And I started making these videos because I was like in the house, not going anywhere, doing anything.

And then I started getting followers. And that's when the following started blowing up. And I was like, whoa, what the fuck is happening? This is crazy. And so the following started getting bigger and bigger and bigger and I hit like 100,000 followers. And then in the same week, I got an email from ICM, WME, and CAA.

Wow. Because I had my little email in my bio. And I remember the first one I answered was ICM and they said, you know, you're so funny and so talented. We want to bring you in. We want to meet you. Who are you? You know, we want to meet you. You're who are you? You know,

we want to meet you. And, um, I remember the day of the meeting. I had somehow met. Oh yeah. My boyfriend at the time, my boyfriend,

Randall hooked me up with this, this manager. Okay. She was like a lady who did like a couple shampoo commercials. And she was like, yeah, fucking veteran actress. You know what I mean?

Like her fucking, I'm not going to say her name. Cause I don't want to like, whatever. But she was basically veteran actress you know what i mean like her fucking i'm not gonna say her name because i don't want to like whatever but she was basically like you know what i mean eventually she was like can i be in your vines i was like damn bitch you're supposed to be the veteran actress here right yeah right so she's much older than me so she goes with me well the day of i had the meeting at icm and i was shaking and vomiting and freaking out because i had to leave the house. And this is how bad my anxiety was, you know, because I was on no medicine. Because you were leaving the house.

That's what you're nervous about. Not meeting ICM. No, dying, being out in public, being around people that I don't know. You know, with this manager who I don't really know, I don't feel safe. And I'm like, my biggest fear is like when I'm out in public, I'm like, oh my God. Like if I wasn't on my effector right now, just like being somewhere with like far away from a hospital or whatever, I freak out. I just, I still do a little bit. Um, so shaking, vomiting, whatever. And my, my boyfriend at times like you have to go, this is your chance. Like this is your opportunity. You can't not go. I was going

to cancel and I'm sweating and I go into ICM and I remember I was shaking and I was trying to like make it so they couldn't see that I was shaking. And when I was in there the whole time I was going to cancel and I'm sweating. And I go into ICM and I remember I was shaking and I was trying to like make it so they couldn't see that I was shaking. And when I was in there the whole time, I was thinking is like, I can't wait till this is fucking over, right? And then when I leave, they called me in the car and they were like, come back in. We want to sign you.

And I hadn't taken the meeting with CIA or WME yet. And then I signed with them. And then right away, you know, I started booking stuff not even through them but just through people seeing my vines getting asked to do stuff with Funny or Die Funny or Die asked me to do a sketch and all these companies were reaching out to me and I started having all these things to do and I wasn't on medication and I it was like yeah great sounds great oh yeah Funny or Die sketch sounds great and I'd hang up the phone be like fuck like you

know because I was so scared like fuck I gotta leave the house you know what i mean i'd freak out and so then i went back on the effector because i couldn't do it i couldn't live a normal life at that point without getting so i got back on it i got back on 37.5 and then went up to 75 and then literally after like a couple weeks of being on it again, I was right back to being able to be me. I was able to go do auditions. I was able to go perform. I was able to go do movies and I've done all this stuff.

And so I've done some stuff. So recently with, since I married my husband, which we'll talk about, it's been about a year now. We've been married, been together like almost four years now, which is crazy.

When I met him, you know, he doesn't take any medicine or anything like that and so you know when he saw me taking a pill at night before i go to bed he was like what's that and i was like oh it's my antidepressant he's like are you sad and i was like which is so funny like you know like well that's a fucking oh that's the fucking question thomas yeah i was like that's a loaded question that's a million dollar question so um i was like no i'm not sad i'm happy with you and he's like well then why do you need that and i was like it's more for my anxiety and he's seen me have panic attacks i mean i i've even posted my me having a panic attack on snapchat mine are so violent they're like almost like seizures i seize up and my teeth start chattering

and my jaw i can't control it and i'm like my like i get tense and my heart is pounding i start sweating i look like i'm dying people are like oh my god are you okay so he's seen that and then i told him i was like this is what helps with it so instead of having them every day by the way when i wasn't on the effect sir i was having them every day, multiple times a day. How long do they last? Well, it depends. Sometimes if I can control my breathing, and what I would do is I would dose myself with Benadryl

because I didn't have any Valium or Xanax. Now I have a Valium I carry with me, so if I freak out because I'm on the lowest dose of Effexor, I wean myself all the way down like a year ago. So I'm trying to be healthier. I know that drugs essentially aren't good for your body. No matter how much they help you, I don't want to be on this high dose of this thing, right?

So I have Valium for if I really freak out. But so, yeah, so I used to dose myself with Benadryl. I would take Benadryl to calm myself down when I was off of it. I would take like four. So I'd be like, just be out. Like I'm good. You know what I mean?

So, so yeah, so my husband was like, well, why don't you try getting off of the effector again, you know, and see how you do. You know,

you're in a safe place now you're married, you're a little older. Like maybe you've learned, you know, and whatnot and so i weaned myself down to 37.5 which took a while because i was at 75 i was only at 75 but it's like it's just any decrease of this drug fucks with you so hard like you're dizzy you can't walk straight you feel sick you it just fucks with you i don't know why anyway um so i decreased myself down to 70 uh 37.5 with prozac and i was taking 10 milligrams of prozac that's how you wean yourself you have to take like a another drug to help wean you down are you also in therapy during all this yeah i had a i have a psychiatrist and a

psychologist and so i'm weaning myself down i did it good I weaned myself down to 37.5 and I was taking 37.5 with 10 milligrams of Prozac. And I started having gnarly panic attacks again. And it was the worst. And I, I think I just wasn't reacting well to the Prozac. I've never reacted well to Prozac and decreasing the effects or we'll do that because all of a sudden my brain's not getting the non-epinephrine and you know the serotonin that it needs so your brain starts to kind of malfunction and so I knew this was going to happen and so I just fought it out and I started looking up all these other natural ways I got off of the I stopped taking the Prozac because I felt like it was making me worse and then I started taking this stuff called 5-HTP, which is over-the-counter.

I did so much research, like so much research. I took this 5-HTP for a while, which you can get it at Whole Foods. And it's basically non-prescription Prozac. Oh, wow. So you take it, and I was only taking 50 milligrams. And what's the Prozac for? The Prozac was to bridge the gap between me weaning down from 75 to 37.5. So basically when you're getting off of an antidepressant or when you're lowering a dose,

you get these things called brain zaps. Okay, people have told me about this where it literally goes in your head. Dude, it's like an electric shock. Yes, this is exact. And you'll be sitting there and you're like, it's like very weird. Yeah. So and then on top of that, I was having anxiety. Yes.

And it was helping me with the panic, but then it made it worse for some reason. So I got rid of the Prozac and I did all these doctors kept trying to try me on new drugs. Take Wellbutrin. Take Lexapro. Take this new drug. Prostique. Take this one. I'm getting a kickback.

I've literally tried every fucking antidepressant out there with the effects. I fired a doctor for that. Trying to find one that I could bridge, you know, to go to try a new one that wasn't as harmful to the body. Nothing works. So I was like, you know what? Fuck this. The effects worked for years. Let me just get myself down to 37.5 and learn how to deal with my anxiety.

And so that's what I did. I went and looked up natural. There's like a whole forum for people that are on effects or like everyone like there's facebook groups for like effects or withdrawal like how to get better some people like it took me five years to finally feel like myself again it's crazy the drug is should not be legal as much as it helped me it's just a like a band-aid on a fucking gunshot wound right so um so then i started taking the 5-htp that kind of helped me mellow out a little bit and then one day i just stopped taking the 5-htp and was like

bitch you are gonna fight through this and i started using cbd and and then i had the valium for emergencies and now here i am and i'm just on the 37.5 and i almost canceled this podcast today because uh you said i woke up this morning and whenever I have something to do, but I know my body now, you know what I mean? Like in the past, I'd be like, fuck, cancel. You know, I've got to go to the hospital. Now I know my body on days that I have shit to do big things, auditions, this, you know, anything. My body throws myself into a tailspin. I wake up sweating, feeling like I'm going to throw up, heart pounding. I'm like, oh my God, I'm sick.

And then I would go and do the job and then I'd come home and I'd be like, oh wow, I feel fine. So I realize that it's me spinning myself out. Future tripping. Future tripping. That's what I've learned.

Have you tried EMDR therapy? So this is what I actually think has also really helped me. I I've learned. Have you tried EMDR therapy? I had. So this is what I actually think has also really helped me. I had TMS. Do you know what that is? So you know who talked about it? Neil Brennan talked about it. And another female comedian who actually sadly did kill herself, Stevie, that girl.

Do you know who she was? I know of her, yeah. She had TMS done. So TMS is called transcranial magnetic stimulation. So it's for people like me who have tried almost every antidepressant and are very, very fucked up and need something to help their brain. So it's magnets, and they put them on your head, and you wear this cap. I could show you a picture of it.

I didn't post about it. I was going to, and then I was like, eh, I talk a lot about anxiety already and I don't want to like me, you know, I posted a little bit on my Snapchat. Um, but yeah, so you put this cap on, there's magnets and they, uh, jolt the magnets in certain ways to do therapeutic effects on the brain and the magnets shock your brain. Yeah, there it is right there. And and uh i used the brain's way machine and i did theta burst so i only had to do it for a week some people have to do it for like a month but i was there for like every day every day for 40 minutes a week getting my brain and every day 40 minutes session seven day or five days seven day wow and so um do you

feel it yes but. But not painful. It just feels like a tapping or like a knocking. And then I noticed afterwards I feel kind of like weird. Right. Because it's affecting your brain. Right. And so I don't know. I would describe it almost like as a lobotomy light because I've noticed since I had it

done, I don't have panic as much, which is great. But I have noticed that I'm a little bit, I have trouble finding words. Okay. And I never had that before. I would like point at a light and be like, light, you know, like, but I wouldn't be able to even get to that, you know?

So I feel like I almost had like a, like a little bit of a lobotomy in a way, even though that's probably a little too harsh. But I think it helped. If I had to weigh the pros and the cons, I would say from being where I was, having to take something with the Effexor to just being able to be on this low dose of Effexor,

I would attribute that to the TMS. But I think I probably need more of it too, because eventually you have to get boosters. It's almost like a thing, but it helps a lot of people. I mean, the depression, I did the anxiety protocol, but they have a depression protocol. And your brain is basically split up one side's depression, one side's anxiety, and then the middle, ironically, is OCD. So right in the middle, right down the center. Yeah, the middle is OCD. So right in the middle, right down the center. Yeah, the middle is OCD. So they manipulate the magnets and they fire them off

and then when certain parts of your body move, that's how they know they're in the right spot. So I did the anxiety one, yeah. It's crazy, right? Yeah, but I think it helped. I do. That's great. I asked about EMDR because I had Dr. Drew on.

I heard about EMDR. And Dr.. Drew on. I heard about EMDR. And Dr. Drew was like, I kept telling him about this. This was new anxiety, or so I thought. And it was a little bit of fear of not flying. I always say it's fear of crashing. Oh, God, I hate flying. Turbulence. All of a sudden, turbulence bothered me.

Never bothered me before at all. What made it all of a sudden? Because you have a daughter? Well, yeah. And then flying. Turbulence. All of a sudden, turbulence bothered me. Never bothered me before at all. What made it all of a sudden? Because you have a daughter? Well, yeah. And then heights. Fear of heights. And I was never scared of heights. But in this, and the good thing about EMDR is there's an end to it.

It's not this ongoing talk therapy. There's a solution. And what I found out was, so Stella, my daughter daughter almost got hit by a car in december and it freaked me the fuck in front of you what happened she walked down the road no she was running around her brother to go to her mom but her mom's car was across the street and she would look she was about to step out and this car was fucking flying and i screamed like i've never screamed she froze and then her mom grabbed her because her mom didn't see her coming. Oh, and I are so lucky.

The thing I said, dude, the thing I said to the therapist was I couldn't stop thinking about what didn't happen, what didn't happen. Oh, my God. And she goes, your anxiety from your father's death and finding him dead in his bed and your grandma dying in front of you and giving her cpr she's like all that is mortality and losing her is opened up this fucking yeah and that was what it was so we were able to pinpoint what it was and then what it caused and then start dealing with that so now with just meditation and you know i've already feel a huge difference a huge difference already but the therapy and the meditation all of it and there's no medication no good for you there's no medication and not

that there's shame in medication not at all i'm just saying like i was excited that this was something i could tackle with and i got right on it too i mean if dr drew tells you go to fucking therapist you're going to a fucking therapist, you're going to a fucking therapist. And so what is EMDR essentially? Like what do they do for that? I've heard about it. People keep telling me to try it.

I need to try it. It's alternating sides of your brain. And what it has allowed me to do, I don't know if it works the same for everybody. Everyone's trauma is different. But instead of just honing on these these thoughts, it allows you to think to take your thoughts elsewhere. So even though you're diving into the deepest, darkest, ugliest shit, like go back to that

tub when you had that conversation with your mom and you'll you'll sit in that. And while you're sitting in that, they're using these little buzzers alternating in your hand. And what it does is start making you think. And she'll let you do that for like 30 seconds. And she'll stop and she'll go, what did you think about? And you're like, well, I thought about what my mom said. And all of a sudden my mom's cheating. I remember this time I went over to Dave's house.

The first time I'm with my dad. Okay, think about that now. Well, now you're off that conversation. But you're over here on this thing. And you're thinking about that. I remember my dad going up and coming back and i remember how i felt in the car and i felt like i was lying or tattletaling or whatever okay and it affected me at school okay let's talk about that and then we're going over to your germ thing with it you know and it just keeps your mind moving so you can eventually figure out where that trauma comes from

how to identify like in your current life so anytime i'm freaking out about turbulence the whole point is it's nothing's happening right everything's fine your emotions and your reactions and your feelings are coming from your past imprints the things that you felt then are coming to you now so it's really it's not real the anxiety is real. But what you're, and so she gave me that term future tripping. You're,

you're worried about this and this and this. And I'm like, yeah, like, you know how many times I've had arguments in my head where I knew what you were going to say and I was going to say this back. And then you get there and none of that ever happens. It's all that future tripping and it's anxiety and this buildup and all this

shit. So, um, I wish I could explain better how it works great i totally i get it the whole therapy point like when i hike when i go exercise i am my mind is completely open i'm and i always thought it was the sun and getting out in the open she goes well that is part of it but also the lady who, I don't know if you say invented or discovered this therapy, but while she was working on this, she developed breast cancer. I think I have this right. And the only time that she didn't think about her breast cancer is when she would go jog.

And she realized that the repetitive movement of the opposite. So they'll teach you, they call them butterfly taps. So if you ever see somebody sitting there just going like this, they're using that buzzer technique um it was originally for veterans who had ptsd exactly and i said what about the guys that can't walk and stuff she said they'll use their fingers and i'll do so if you really think about it the old school fucking yeah the pendulum yeah the uh not hypnosis not stop watch but pocket watch that sort of thing where you're not hypnotizing this at all but you are just using your brain in a different way to think about this and then handle it and and i mean even when i was we were out on this last tour flying

and i was like i i went to baltimore on the flight back i was a different person i was like oh my god this was fucking awesome and then these flights out i was like oh better good i mean i'll probably always be like what the fuck was that do you have anything just in case you don't have any like xanax i just don't take they gave me muscle relaxers but i just don't take them i won't take them it's better not to i can't i mean this is my life i have to do this or we just shut down and we don't fucking live. And I'm not going to do that. And it's the truth. Like I said, I have Valium in my purse for emergencies.

But that shit's like fucking seven months old. Because I only will take like a little piece if I'm really bad. Because in the long run, it's just a band-aid. It really is. And your body gets, I think, you know, it makes you worse over time. I preach therapy all the time. I love therapy. Therapy is important. It's necessary, you know. Yes. Yes over time i preach therapy all the time i love therapy it's necessary

you know yes yes and even if it doesn't even if it doesn't cure you the understanding of what's happening inside you and making it make sense actually helps a lot of people you know yeah yeah yeah it does so so this is what i wanted to ask you obviously you know we go from being friends forever yeah to you marrying fucking Tommy Lee. So crazy. If you don't know, her husband is Tommy Lee from Motley Crue. What's really crazy, I was telling my friend Janice last night, I'm like, do you understand that this is my friend Brittany?

Yeah. Goofy ass Brittany. Goofy ass Brittany, who married the guy where every day I would come home from high school and it was the fucking countdown. It was home sweet home. They had to retire it. It never fucking went to number two. And I was like, this is that goddamn guy who's married.

So I love it. I'm happy as shit for you because you seem very happy, genuinely. I love him so much. He's the nicest guy in the whole world. For someone who has, and I love hearing that, for someone who has so much anxiety, you've really put yourself out in front

by marrying someone. Well, marrying him specifically. And then I would watch you get bashed for age difference. Oh, my God. Just outside of the fucking gold digger bullshit and the young and old shit. So how do you deal with that? I mean, is that that's got to be. That's all new experiences.

It's so annoying to me because, because like i feel very old just because of all the things i've been through i'm tired like i'm like i've been through so much shit i mean you heard shit at four that i don't think i heard until yeah so i'm exhausted i felt like a 30 year old when i was 16 now i'm 33 and i feel like i'm like 85 i'm like all right let's go to marie calendars and have a pie you know like that's what i's how I feel. So I think when I met Tommy, well, before I met Tommy, I was in a really toxic, abusive relationship that unfortunately got publicized in a bad way. I had an ex that was a very successful director,

and he was cheating on me with prostitutes, and I found out, and it got really gnarly, and we broke up, and I was just so scarred from that because it was just a repetitive cheating like it was just like non-fucking stop like just you know I take him back and it was again and this back and again and I was comparing myself to the girls and I wouldn't get it because I was like these girls not even like cute like what the fuck you know it just fucked with my head and so i came really scarred into the relationship with tommy and he was just like a bit he's a big fucking kid like it's so funny people like all the age difference i'm like tommy is seven like if you

meet tommy if you meet tommy he'd be like you're like like he's a fucking dumbass like in the best way possible. He is like a like Not dumb, but he's just so he's so childlike. He's like playful. He's like a puppy You meet him and my friends said the same thing for a while They were like, oh, you know, what if you want kids, you know, he's kind of old like for you and blah blah blah and they thought he had all these STDs and shit and everyone was concerned and You know, we went to the doctor together. He went with me gladly. He doesn't have anything.

He doesn't have hepatitis anymore. He cured that. Take like a hundred thousand dollar pill. Now it's gone. Oh, really? Yes. I didn't know that. So he has nothing.

And I sat there with the doctor, went over it. Okay, nothing. Good. So it's crazy. And then they meet him and they're like, oh my God, he's like a 12 year old. He's so joyous and playful and like just loves on everybody and like he'd grab your face and be like kiss you and he's just a bright spirit that's like what it is and you're just i'm just like was drawn to him because he's just such a

light bright spirit and especially coming from dark oh my god from such depressing darkness and then like you know obviously when we first got together, he was talking to all these hoes, you know, like, you know, all these girls. I shouldn't say hoes. That's not nice. You know, girls like me. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just joking. Not hoes. But he was, you know, he was talking to a bunch of girls.

He was talking to me. He was talking. He was dating Carmen Electra, me, some other bitch. This is my favorite. Some other bitch. Who the fuck's this bitch? I don't mind being in the pool with Carmen Electra.

It's like an NFL lineup. I was like, who's the toughest player? Just the wives. Heather Locklear. Who I love. Pam Anderson. Brittany Furlong. Dead.

I fucking love her. It's my favorite stat. Odd man out. Odd man out. I'm all, how did that happen? Shit. I got nice titties. TJ Hooker. I'm good at fucking. I got nice cities. TJ Hooker.

I'm good at Baywatch. Vine. I'm so offended by that. God damn it. You know, I did comedy a little bit. All right, Vine. Fine. I'll fucking take it.

True. True. But you know, I'm good at what I do. Do you know Heather? Actually, we went to visit Heather and she is the most beautiful lovely person i've ever met like she is fucking rad and i could see why her and tommy were together because they both have a light she's like a light and and you know it may it makes me really upset that all the press and this is why i don't listen to press yes i'm saying because there's so much bad

press about her you know there was all this mean'm saying. Because there's so much bad press about her. You know, there was always me impressing like, oh, she's losing it and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I meet her and she's the most normal, chill, fucking nice, like totally great person. Like spent like we spent a day with her and like hung out and she just was fucking rad. And she's so cute and doesn't look anything like these pictures that they post. I'm like, what do they do to these fucking pictures? She doesn't look like that at all. She's beautiful.

Beautiful blue eyes. Like, just a fucking light. She's really cool. So, yeah, it was really weird to, it's weird to see the things that people say. And even Tommy, they'll take, like, these horrible pictures. I swear, tabloids will take the worst photo of you. They'll take a bunch of photos and they'll be like really rad ones oh these are fucking hot like all right let's go to the end of the spectrum here which

one looks most like a troll all right that one yeah publish that one i don't know why but i mean i guess because it makes people feel better to see people look like shit um so yeah so they'll just it's weird you know and then people meet tommy and like oh he looks great when you meet him in person aside from these fucking photos. Anyway, so I started dating him. And, you know, all these people were hating on me. Like, oh, you got AIDS now. Like, you got STDs. Like, oh, you're fucking, like, you're a fucking old man dick.

You're a fucking gold digger. Meanwhile, they don't know I made a fucking hundred grand a vine at one point. So they don't know that I'm very, $100,000 per branded vine at one point. they don't know that i'm very really a hundred thousand dollars per branded vine at one point so they didn't know i'm like bitch did you even fucking google me like my net worth and shit's like pretty off but it's like high but it's not like you know it's not crazy but it's high but it's like i was i and i saved my money i wasn't like all these other viners like who bought ferraris and shit i bought myself a nice like without saying any names you also helped a friend of ours a mutual friend of ours out of

course i thought was so fucking whenever he needed it i was like i'll help you out yeah i told and i never expected anything back i was like don't you never made him feel weird about it never i love i always love that yeah emotional thing i've helped a lot of people you know who I called when Angelo passed you're the first person I talked to it broke my fucking heart it was horrible you know and I donate a lot to dog charities and stuff like that and I do a lot of shit but everyone just

sees my husband and assumes oh because he's worth 70 million dollars that I'm a gold digger my husband doesn't pay my bills i do not have a credit card i pay all my bills but with him no we don't have any joint credit cards i have all my own shit i pay all my own bills only thing i do not pay is you know half the mortgage because the mortgage is fucking insane you know in the house so i take care of myself like yeah like i live in a nice house with my husband but but like most rock star wives, like almost all the other ones, they fucking live off their husband.

Like their husbands pay for everything. Purses, shoes, like credit cards for whatever they want to go get their hair and nails and all that shit done. I pay for all my shit and proudly and not like he hasn't offered. I pay for all my shit and proudly and not like he hasn't offered when we got married my husband said uh you know let's just switch all your your stuff over to you know my accountant's office and and they can you know pay for everything car insurance health insurance you know whatever right and I said no I don't need that like I'm good I'm always been very i pride myself on being self-sufficient you know actually it's it's weird like i posted a picture of myself and i was in my mercedes and i wasn't trying to post a picture to show my mercedes i had nina asleep on my lap my little

wiener dog nina the wiener who i would have brought today but um so i took a picture of her sleeping in my lap and it showed my mercedes emblem on my steering wheel and i posted that and someone goes nice mercedes tommy bought you i'm like bitch fucking come over there and beat your ass like you don't know shit tommy didn't tommy has bought me very nice things but no i bought my own fucking car for myself i pay for all my own shit i help people i help my friends you definitely many of my friends and that's not the only time i've done that i give money away to people that are friends friends with me which isn't people say is not smart but i don't care it's my friends i help people out whenever i can and i do that just because that's me you know what i mean yeah

you're like me i love being self-sufficient i. I've worked without a net since I've been 16 years old. I hate owing people. Yeah. I can't like owe someone. Like when I was living with my ex at one point before Vine started and his parents paid for everything and I lived with him and I was struggling and I didn't have a lot of work and I was off the medicine and everything. I was really not doing well. He took care of me then. a lot of work and I was off the medicine and everything and I was really not doing well. He took care of me then

but then once I got successful on Vine then he lived with me and I started paying for our shit. But I hated that period. Hated it. I tell everybody and I'll say this to you guys right now. If you're out there and you think I need to do this on my own

I tell everybody just go try one week. Yeah. Not borrowing anything from anybody. Yeah, nothing. Not asking anybody for a ride or money. Nothing. Be 100% self-sufficient for one week and then try two and then just try and see how that feels to like care for yourself and do for yourself.

You appreciate shit a lot more when you're out there hustling. Yeah, you do. You do. And you sympathize, I think, for people who are struggling, that are working hard to be where you are. Because I have friends, when I give someone money, I don't give them money because they're like, oh man, I'm down on my luck. I give them money when I see them busting their ass to get somewhere. That's right. And I know they're busting their ass to get somewhere.

And I'm like, okay, I see it. They're working hard to do something and, you know, whatever. I'm going to get so many messages. Can I have some money? Listen, can I get $300? Hey, girl, I'm in college. I'm kind of broke. I already get those messages as it is.

But anyway, so yeah, the fucking gold digger shit is the worst. Like, I'm like, could you pick a, like. That's just low hanging fruit. Whoa, like, fuck, dude. Anyway, so yeah, I mean, and then the age thing'm like, could you pick a like, that's just low hanging fruit. Whoa. Like fuck dude. Anyway. So yeah, I mean, and then the age thing is like, I don't really want to have kids anyway because I don't think I could mentally handle it. You know, I think, I think having a child's a beautiful thing, but I also worry because

my dad said my mom was different before she had kids and I worry that. Really? Yeah. I worry that maybe. Different in what way? She wasn't as uh i don't know neurotic just crazy you know she wasn't as crazy he's like she changed after she had children she got worse and that does worry you and that worries me because i'm like i would

never want to bring a child into this world and do to them what was done to me i would fucking never want to do that and i'd be so hyper conscious of it you know but i just i just think you know um it's probably not in the cards i i'm probably just gonna have a bunch of dogs well you don't complain about that fleet of dachshunds just like fucking riding them down the street like i just love fucking dog dogs are so therapeutic you have a dog you don't you travel too much cat but fucking, and cats, all animals. Like, they're so fucking rad. I love animals. So that'll be it for me.

Well, I love you. I love you, too. And thank you so much for coming on here. I love you. For real. I love you, girl. I'm proud of you. You've come such a long way.

Thanks for having me on here. Thank you for being here and for being open and honest. Yeah, of course. Some of this stuff is not easy to talk about. I've said it so many times. And thank you for being a role model with people out there that that do suffer yeah don't be fucking embarrassed like it's kind of like i have people come at me all the time and they're like oh you're trying to make anxiety trendy i'm like i'm just trying to cure my if you want to call it making true making it trendy i'd rather people talk about it that's right than

not put your own bullshit you know what i mean like i don rather people talk about it that's right than not put your own bullshit you know what i mean like i don't give a fuck if somebody's talking about it just because they want to feel like they're part of something like as long as we're having this conversation everyone has it's important just don't even like you said back in the day when you're bouncing your leg and doing you don't even know that that's anxiety yeah you have it you don't even know what the definition is so exactly thank you again a million times. Please. I love you too.

One more. Promote everything again. Okay. So just Brittany Furlan on all social media. And then I have my podcast worse first, which is not as deep as this podcast. This podcast is rad. It's basically, this is like the cert. My podcast is like the fucking surface level of this podcast.

We're just like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talk about like dumb shit on there. So it's really fun. If you just love to laugh, it's like a good, you know, laughy podcast, just worst first. And yeah, that's it. Brittany Frown and everything else. And follow my husband too, Tommy Lee.

He's very funny. He is funny. He's a good guy. I should have him come on here. I want to meet him. Yeah, you have to meet him. He would be great on this show. He'd be great.

I'd love to hear it. People would love to hear his fucking lowlights. Oh my God, he has so many. Well, set it up. I will. And then I'll come do yours. Yeah. And I am Ryan Sickler on all social media,

ryansickler.com. We'll talk to y'all next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you.