The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Byron Bowers - ByronDew

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Byron Bowers. (Honey Boy, Comedy Central) Byron Highlights the Lowlights of having a schizophrenic father and battling depression. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail]  SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips  SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. If you're watching this show, if you're listening to this show, thank you very much. Please hit that subscribe button. And if you've got to have more than you've got to check out that Patreon.

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five stars that's the biz y'all know we do over here we highlight the low lights and i always say these are the stories behind the storytellers i am very excited to have this guest here on the honeydew first time please welcome byron bow guest here on the Honeydew. First time, please welcome Byron Bowers. Welcome to the Honeydew, Byron Bowers. Yeah! Thank y'all. A long time coming. What it do, Honeydew?

It's been a long time coming. What it do? Shout out to Honeydoll. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me, man. It's good to be here. Yeah, you look good. I haven't seen you for a while.

Wow. And I remember your episode. You had a great episode of the craft feast we were talking about out there before. having me man it's good yeah you look good i haven't seen you for a while wow and i remember your episode you had a great episode of the craft fees we were talking about out there before and i wanted to talk to you a little more about it but before we get into it um plug promote everything anything you would like please at byron bowers right now you can catch me on facebook uh that was my instagram but i do have a, and it's my name also. And, yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh, top comedy special of 22, Byron Bowers, Spiritual Nigga,

or Spiritual N-Word if you white, or Spiritual N-Word if you KKK. And Spiritual N-Word, as Daniel Van Kirk would say. It's on Hulu and it's on Disney. Shout out to Disney. Shout out to DBK, too. Yeah. So, yeah, that's all I have for now. Yeah, follow my old shit and follow my new shit.

But you see your special we were talking about before we recorded, it deals with suicide, depression. So I want to talk about. Transformation, right? Yeah. All these things. But let's begin with where are you from originally? Born in Athens, Georgia. Go Dawgs. We number one right now in the nation. And I was raised in Atlanta, Georgia. Shout out to Tokyo ATL who made this hoodie. Black-owned companies support black-owned companies. Even if you ain't black, you're going to do it anyway through taxes.

Through taxes. No PPP loans, you know what I mean? Okay. So yeah, I was raised in Atlanta, Georgia. So I went from a small town to an even, you know, compared to L.A., a small city, but it was a big, big city for Georgia. That's a big move from Athens to Atlanta? Yeah. Yeah.

And your mom and dad together at the time? How old were you when you guys made that move? I remember being like, I did it twice. So I did it like, I was like around five, I think. Five or six years old. And do you have brothers and sisters? I have a sister also. Shout out to Japonica.

What's her name? Japonica. Japonica. Japonica. That is a name I have never heard. Have you ever met another Japonica? Well, Japonica is a flower. Oh, Japonica.

Japonica is a flower. A Japanese flower and a flower that they have in the Middle East, but they spelled it wrong. Nah. Yeah. They spelled it wrong on the birth. Wait. It was, so I was saying it right. Yeah, you were.

I was pronouncing her name proper, but the flower wrong. Yeah. So, but no, it is, it is her name and it's not too many of them because of that, that type of. There's gotta be one. That might be the only one.

I think she said she found some other ones and she was mad. She was like, ain't no way. They copying, they copying her because they younger.

I'm like, you searched the whole Instagram? And she was like, basically. So. Okay. So you, just you so okay so you but we have two separate fathers okay right um that's how abundance works you know sometimes the Lord blesses you with a woman with multiple uh fathers um so she's the light-skinned child. I'm the dark-skinned child. And if we ever got confused by, like, which father was present, we would do the hand test. Nah. Nah, okay, we didn't do that.

But, you know, it's an old bit I wrote. Is that my dad or that's your dad? But her dad died. Both of our dads are dead now. Yeah. All right, so you're jumping way ahead. but her dad both our dad is dead now yeah alright so shout out to you're jumping way ahead I don't know who you

shout out to but tell me about that when you say something fucked up you're trying to make it better but you don't tell me about your dad shoot

my dad as far as what I think tell me about him what do you know about him man I realized when he died I don't really I didn I think. Tell me about him. What do you know about him? Man, I realized when he died, I didn't really know too much about him. No? I was like, what is his favorite color?

I don't know. What is his favorite food? You know, you have those thoughts. So when your parents, they split then. You're saying when you went to Atlanta, you were with just your mom? My mom, yeah. Okay. But did he come around at all?

Did you spend time with him? Yeah, I spent time with him. And from my memory, it was some of the best moments of my life. Tell me about it. Yeah, I want to hear about it. What stands out? What do you see in your mind still? I still see him coming to pick me up, some of the hugs.

Because my mom's side, we didn't really hook. And the meals, like my grandmother, like cooking, like, you know, they grew food in the yard and all the food came from the yard, like the eggs. Uh, we had chickens in the back. We had hunting dogs. Uh, we would go fishing every Saturday, catch the fish, fry the fish right there on the spot. The rest went to the neighbors. Wine came from the wines, the muscadines vine. Corn was shook, peas was shook, cantaloupe, watermelon. You know, it's like, yeah, honeydew, you know.

But it's like, you realize when you're older, like, oh, this is what, this is like, yeah, honey, honeydew, you know, but it's like you realize you're older. Like, oh, this is what this is like abundance. And, you know, you know, life was like everything you needed was provided. Like we want a snack. You go outside, pick up two pecans with your hand, snap them. Pow, you eating. You sit down with family. Like it was just a very like peaceful time.

You're sitting down with family. Like, it was just a very, like, peaceful time. And then my dad worked for the power company. He would go to work every day. Very smart dude. Had me in the YMCA and, like, all these extracurricular activities. We would hunt. They put guns in our hands to teach us to feed ourselves, you know, at a young age. At that age, you just learned how to do air rifles.

So you just learn, you're training yourself how to shoot cans, right? And then we would fish also. Remember going out on a boat, staying out overnight fishing and just catching a bunch of catfish and brim, southern light, you know, freshwater fish. It definitely was a more simple life. And the Christmas was good, and it was just warm. I just remember. And then, like, I ended up moving to Atlanta, and it was just like all the normalcy just went. It just changed.

Because now with my mother, like, you don't realize you're older. Like, these people are like 22, you know, like 25. You're like, damn. And my mom was a young mom, just moved to the city, young, good looking lady. And life was just like with two young kids, you know, trying to survive. And that came with its struggles, and you would bounce around from place to place. And I'll be at the Bronner Brothers, which is like this. Bronner Brothers is a black-owned hair company, and they had a school.

My mom went to this hair school, and we would be there as kids. I remember being on the chair just spinning around, and she hit me with a brush one time. Boom, stop. Stop spinning around. So it was just a different life. And I think my first depression was around that time like six and seven really yeah what are you feeling just the polar opposites of like are you longing to get back to what dad and i just could tell his family as well like your grandparents on that side as well yeah

yeah um i could just i really didn't know only in their 40s or 50s you know that's still young yeah you know what i mean yeah and and i didn't i can't tell exactly what it was i just know when i saw i just just felt something wasn't right and i remember seeing a picture of myself and i just looked down at one one time you know um It was just a different, just a position. And then I had to go back because D-FAC, Department of Family and Children's Services got involved at one point. With your mom or your dad? With my mom. So we had to go back, and I went back to live with my grandmother for a while.

And then when that happens, does your sister go and live? So now you two are separated also. Me and my sister are separated. So you're losing your mom and your sister. Yeah, my sister goes to stay with my aunt and my uncle, you know, R.I.P. to my auntie. And they had like two daughters, and my aunt was a teacher and my uncle was a truck driver so she went to a stable home to live and then I went to stay with my grandmother and this is your dad's mom my mom's mom's mom okay the person my mom probably thinks doesn't love her. And that's where you're going.

And that's where I'm going. The real, brute, strict. I remember being in bed and the Cosby show coming on. That's 8 o'clock. Yeah, yeah. That's not late. You only drink milk. You only can drink milk.

This thick-ass milk came in this yellow carton. Like no sodas, no tea. Switches, you know. Clothes come from yard sales. I remember having some big ass pony shoes I had to wear. Ponies, yeah. And you couldn't get, I i mean the food was like massive like i mean big ass fries big hot dogs and like soups and like still warm like food like peanut butter came in a big ass

can like that you know i mean white because my grandmother worked at the um in the projects at the daycare center so i didn't know at the time you're getting that type of food. But grandma had nine kids. Come to find out. And you don't know. You're talking about generational trauma. My dad parents were together and had five. My mom's family was nine kids out of the project.

Mom's one of nine kids. One of the youngest of nine kids whose father had another family. So they getting raised by like, grandma probably was bitter. So your dad, wait, your grandfather, your mom's dad had nine kids with your mom's mom and another family. How many fucking kids do you have with that family? I never met him. So you actually have blood siblings that you have not met? Yeah, because you don't speak.

They never spoke his name. Got it. Yeah. You know. you don't speak they never spoke his name got it yeah you know um and yeah it was a cold that was a cold place you know uh yeah that's just what it was now when you're living with your mom's mom at that time is there anyone else in the house with her or is it just the two of you oh yeah of course it's uh

my cousin my like two aunties that was there so it's a crowded house it's crowded and everybody's young and like you know

it's loud and I would have babysitters sometimes that's why I learned how to walk home from school and like

and you know in this this cross the street of the crossing guard and then I would go the shorter way because I'm like why would I go the long way when I can go the shorter way and all these things and like that's the place in my grandma's back room where I got my dick sucked by my babysitter you know I mean what how old were you I'm like 10 10. You were 10? How old was she? Probably like 13 or 15, you know? And she sucked your dick? Yeah.

And I fucked her a few times. What? At 10? Yeah. But I knew what sex was. How'd you know what sex was? Because my dad's, my granddaddy on my dad's side has an outside family also. But they, and my dad and uncle was young dudes.

My dad was in the Navy so when we would go fishing, we would look at nudie magazines. And I've seen my dad had a nice rotation of chicks. You picked this up that early too, huh? Yeah, I think it's part of the thing.

I remember looking out my bedroom and there was a mirror on the closet door I could see in my dad's room. And I seen him kind of like, fuck a lady. And he was like, I ain't want you to be gay. Back in those days, they would do things. He left the door open so you could see him fuck a woman? Because in his mind, that for sure would not make you gay. Look.

I'm just trying to understand. Yeah, I mean, that's one of the things. Did I have it correct? That's one of the things. I hear you. I'm not judging. I'm just want to make sure I understand. Well, it's just a different time. That's a different mentality also.

Well, I don't know. I don't know. That's the problem. Right. Of course you you don't you're 10 well i mean even now even now i don't know what do you mean well well do you think that uh uh watching heterosexual sex no i mean like overall this is what i mean by that statement let Let me be more specific. When you're taught certain things by a community or a person and you grow up that way and then you branch out and learn certain other things, not just the gay thing, but like how money works, all type of stuff. but like how money were all, all type of stuff. You start to question like other things you would, you learn.

And because my dad was schizophrenic later on and we found out that he might've been schizophrenic. The whole time. The whole time. Yeah. My existence is just like a blur, you know, a part of it. Okay. So your dad's doing it's questionable shit yeah well now yeah you know don't do that but i just have to look but also if he's schizophrenic it

that that is a mental issue that makes sense why some things were done differently than most people do them. I have a schizophrenic cousin. And let me tell you, he does not operate like we operate. But now you have the question, is it a schizophrenic thing or is it a macho thing? Like, that's the questions you ask. It's probably all of that. It's probably a jambalaya of that shit a potpourri of old ass like macho bullshit schizophrenia maybe religion thrown in there too you know what i mean it's a whole mind we are

church people you know uh and athens i think last time i checked it was the population is a hundred thousand and it's a hundred christ. Nah, is that right? Like, yeah, alone, just 100. But, yeah, man, it was just a different existence. Hold on. We got off on a tangent. So the babysitter. Look, man, I do shroom, so this is.

It's okay. That's the way this show goes. Yeah, you know need you need the people to be present during the show i don't want to fucking i do not want oh yeah so the baby's over yeah also you're you lost your virginity at 10 yeah yeah yeah and then i had to keep it a secret until who was the babysitter was she a relative of somebody? Was she sucked my dick. And she was mad. Like, why can't men say that they were molested? I'm like, what are you talking about? You know what I mean?

We fucked. We used to look at a book. I remember what the pussy looked like. And she sucked my dick. How was I molested? So it was one of those things that you don't understand affect you until you're like an adult. Do you think you were molested? Do you think that girl molested you?

That I don't. Because when you hear other molest stories, you're like, God. Listen, I've sat here and listened to so many of them. That's what I'm saying. And here's what I want to say. And I don't want to downplay anything. I do know she said, because my dad had a reputation. My dad had a lot of women.

She said, I want you to do to me what your dad do to them chicks. And then she put my dick in her mouth. And it was such a warm feeling. How did she know what your dad did? Because my dad had a reputation. My mom got seven sisters. My dad had a book of women. He kept photos of them? Oh, yeah. He kept photos.

Oh, he kept evidence? Yeah. Was it evidence? Receipts. I guess they call them receipts now. He called whatever you want. It depends on what side you're on. If you're looking, it's evidence. If you're bragging, it's receipts.

Swagging its receipt. All right. Okay. Y'all, those are receipts. Those girls, this babysitter, this girl does this. And you said she was 13. She had to be between 13 and 15. So she's not an adult.

She's not 18. I want to get gauged by the smell. She's not 18, 19. She's not an adult. I don't know. I don't know if that's molestation or if that's just

two young kids being curious. Sex at 10 is horrible. To me, it was a young woman probably about

to go in junior high or whatever. Eighth grade. Or just hormones. To me, it had to be somebody with raging hormones

to make those type of decisions. I mean, 10 is young. And from how it felt, you know what I mean? 10 is young. I don't know. I'm not an expert. I don't know what the definition is there. I would say 10 is young, but I think my granddaddy was nine or something.

Obviously, this is a tradition in the community that we don't talk about. Yeah, you know what I mean? 10 years old. Okay, so when's the next time you have sex? Was it a while after that? No, a while. Officially, probably like, I think, 18. Okay.

In the woods. In the woods? At a basketball camp. Yeah. how'd you get away with that just running basketball goal we was on a basketball uh uh summer trip and we was in i think tennessee somewhere and my homeboy was just telling me what to say to this chick. And she was down. And she drove me and this other guy to the woods. And we went off in the woods. And I remember we was about to fuck. And she was like, we got to be careful.

Because I've been caught, arrested for fucking here before. She tells you that right before. Yeah. I've been arrested. And when those lips cracked open, the smell, the smell from that

was so bad. I'll bet. That when I finished, he's still, cause the nigga ain't gonna quit until he busts. Ain't nothing nasty until you bust.

You realize that? Okay. When I got in the car, my homeboy was like, don't touch me. But when he, you know, the Simpsons were popular when we were younger. So when she said, I've been arrested for doing this before, all I heard in the woods, through the woods was like like, ah-ha. He did it on a Nelson's last. But, and then, funny story.

We get back, and we show up late. And Coach mad, like, what the fuck y'all was? And he was like, Beatle, Beatle, I went and got some pussy. Coach, you did what? He's like, um, he got some pussy. From who? Who gave you some pussy? He's like, this chick.

Chick what? We met a chick at the store. The chick in the white Honda? Nah, nah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, coach. Be the fuck the girl you were trying to fuck. Nah.

And he was like, son, I'm going to tell your mama. And I was scared. He was like, she had AIDS. Nah. Oh, man. And my heart dropped, and he was like,

I'm just playing. Oh, my God, dude. I was nervous. But also, if she had been arrested for fucking there, she could have AIDS. Man, you talking about sleep?

You talking about them, like, rollover, like, nights? The whole team giving you shit shout out to the shout out to the team all right um so 10 years old that happens you're already uh you're living at your grandmom's's, and that's very strict living. You said you're going to church, too? Not with that particular grandmom, but it was just certain rules. You know what I mean?

Grandmom was not a person that smiled a lot that I remembered until I got older. But she was real strict, and she was dealing with whatever she was dealing with, which I didn't know at the time. But I was like, damn, Grandma mean. So, but it definitely was strong enough to affect my mom in a certain way. And then what happens? Do you go back to your mom from there? Man, I'm going back to my mom in a certain way and then what happens do you go back to your mom i'm going back to my mom and that's when how long how long were you at your grandmom's i don't remember like a year a couple years probably a couple years yeah but that my sister no more than me because

at one point a time my mom was sick my mom had a stroke so i had to stay down there to while my mom because my mom couldn't talk on the side of her face and she couldn't walk. And I remember my mom being able to just move a little part of her mouth. And I think I remember my sister getting some slob off her mouth. The nastiest shit I ever seen at the time. So I guess they think I couldn't handle that. And, you know, my sister had to be there with my mom and, like, you know, bless her heart, but, like, help, you know, help her with that stuff.

And, you know, it was tough. But I went back, and we ended up in Brandon Hill's apartments, and that was just a wild ride. That's when you start getting into sports and like being bullied and I remember I showed up and the guys were sitting on the car and they was like, they pointed at my shoes

and they was like, there they go right there. I had just got some new shoes, black with the little red tips on it. And they was like, come over here, come over here. And I went over there and they was like, nigga, them ain't no Jordans.'s there's some stadiums there's some stadium shoes and i didn't know that was the day i found out what jordan was because i didn't know oh you had no idea i had no idea you know i mean because my mom had my mom would make me wear like church shoes and like like i would dress country as a little kid because my mom would dress me up in stuff I guess she wanted to see a young man wear.

Like fake snakeskin dress shoes and shit like that. That was me becoming a part of Atlanta, living in Mountain Grove. Now, I had a reputation. I moved to Mountain Grove when I first got back to Atlanta, and I had a reputation of being scared of pussy. Why? Because it was an incident. Was it an AIDS scare?

Where me, no, this was young. I'm still young. Now I'm like 11. You know, and me, my best friend at the time, and his other dude, we all, this is when you were just breaking empty apartments and doing all types of fun stuff. But it was this lady, it was this chick. She was older. She was like 15, 16.

And she came over and they ran a train on her. And they was like, you want to, you want to, I never had. No one I know had any childhood like this. What do you mean? Like nobody. I always had bad luck with trains. Anyway. I've never even been asked to be on a train. Look.

Not first, middle, last, double. But it was weird for me because after what I went through and they didn't know. Seeing a dude get in a girl and they like pump her like, you know. I mean, we like kids. We like kids. Like just doing all this shit. And then one day he be like, move, nigga. And push off.

And he get in and do all that shit. And they be like, you want something? I was like, nah. And I was watching. I remember I was watching the Rocky with the Russian dude. Drago. Yeah, Drago in it. And I'm watching it, and this is all going on in the background.

And then, you know, Eric, shout out to Eric, was like, you scared a pussy. And when I would walk around the neighborhood, I'd be like, this nigga scared a pussy. You know what I mean? Hey, this nigga scared a pussy. I'm terrible to walk around a sidewalk. He's scared of pussy.

Mind you, we had the booty man also. What is that? In Atlanta, it was a guy named Wayne Williams who... Are we allowed to say his full name? Yeah, because he was in prison. He went to prison for murdering and raping, supposedly, or having sex with young black men. It was a black dude. Okay, I didn't know about this.

So, Atlanta, moving back to Atlanta, was a very dangerous place. So, below all the homophobia stuff was deep anyway because you had this going on and this guy was just out there killing young black yeah so anytime like gay men or young black men let's say young black gay man okay um but but at the time you don't really think about that you just know like oh if you walked in the woods the booty man might be in the woods you know i mean um and the reason i say that because the apartment complex we lived in had some woods that led to the next apartment complex now we end up moving into the other apartment complex but i didn't know this apartment complex

didn't get along with this apartment complex on their rivals so when i was when we all met up one day they would just elbow me like you're you with them now you know because we didn't have gang so to speak you could be like two streets two streets so one side of the street could be for another side of the street type stuff um and then i end up in this in this Brandon Hill condominium, which was huge. And that's when like all my skateboarding and stuff started. When I saw Tony Hawk for the first time. Yeah. And I would skateboard on these like, we had all these hills and stuff.

And that shit was fun for a while. Shout out to Tony Hawk. Sat right there in that chair. Yeah. I met him. Did I officially meet him? But whatever, I was at the Oscars last year and he was there. Oh, yeah?

I was like, is that Tony Hawk? And I was like, damn, that's Tony Hawk. He looks good, dude. But I've never seen nothing like that before. So you mentioned first time you were depressed was that five six what happens when do you when do you start really battling depression and you don't really know suicidal thoughts you don't know what it is right but i'm saying looking back now when do you really start i don't know i mean i got cuts i remember cutting myself in like either junior high or high school

you did try to commit suicide or you were just cutting uh this was one cut i did it one time i was like that shit hurt and uh i was like i used a butter knife too yeah so i was saw i was just doing this shit saw on your son with a butter knife what do you you know well good i'm glad you didn't know how to cut proper well if i would use the regular knife because my girl got like bunch of skull her and her friend they got a bunch oh really yeah and i was like i because they use proper knives but you're doing this for a while and then it is like oh yeah no you forget like you want it to whatever it was I know it worked because I don't remember what was going on. But you getting bullied. I'm trying to play sports. That wasn't working. Pops on drugs. Not fitting in. It was a lot, you know, being broke, you know, leaving the band, having, you know, I was in the band in fifth grade. My mom always complained about the instrument. I'm reading this instrument.

You ain't even, you don't even play it a lot. What was it? It was a trumpet. I was second chair in trumpet. Yeah. That's something to brag about. See, the best get first chair and then it goes in the line like that. You know, I was second chair in trumpet. Yeah, that's something to brag about. See, the best get first chair, and then it goes in the line like that. You know, I was second chair.

There was only three trumpet players. So by default, I was the second best trumpet player. But I remember these wind instruments. And I remember I made somebody laugh. I knew I could disrupt a whole band. And I waited till we was playing and I did some shit. And the whole band just started. It just fucked up everything.

And I remember the teacher was like, I either could tell your mom what you're doing or you could like you know stop and I just left I just left the band so tell me about that's how powerful ass whoopings are tell me about your dad passing away

how was how were you when he passed how old was I yeah wow I don't know that's when Honey Boy came out when did he pass

like 2019 that's recent yeah what happened um he was property wait you don't know how old you were three years ago i don't keep up with my age get the fuck out of here right now i know i don't keep up with my age you're full of shit i don't keep up my age uh get out of here yeah my grandma don't know how with my age. You're full of shit. I don't keep up with my age. Get out of here. Yeah, my grandma don't know how she is, how old she is, and my mom barely knows how old she is. It's a tradition. What's your range?

Somewhere between what and what? What would you say you are? Beard or no beard? Right now, what are you? I'd say I'm 25 to 60. 25 to 60. 25 to 60. If you catch me asleep sometimes, I definitely look like I'm like 60 years old. You got a rage, man.

I tell you. Yeah. I'm sorry. Your dad passed on the way. Man, you know what was crazy? Your dad passed on the way. Man, you know what was crazy? I was in a movie called Honey Boy, and we doing this press run. Is that the one that was shot in Baltimore?

No, this was shot in LA with Shia LaBeouf and everybody, right? And we doing an Oscar campaign. I ain't never been a part of no shit like this before in my life. And we doing red carpets and all type of shit. And we like exhausted. This is like a tour. Doing press. You show up.

You get outfits. All this stuff. And we landed. We was tired. Me and my girl, we couldn't wait to come home. And we landed on LAX. And I turned on my phone. And I got a message from my

cousin. And he was like, hey man, they got your dad in Macon. He coded five times. And they said they're not going to bring him back to resuscitate him no more. And I'm turning to my girl like, what the hell is coded? And I Googled it and it and like his heart stopped and i was like oh shit so um i called him and he told me uh um that they all finna drive up to the hospital now so me and my girl went home uh ate repacked and we went down right back got right back on lax you know and you know how brutal that is and we get to georgia probably like midnight or some shit so you come off of this whirlwind press tour for oscar riding a high literally to turn your phone on and get news that your father's dying yep and i um i called the airport i, yo, we need one of them death tickets.

Like somebody dying type shit. Whatever they call it. Yeah. You know, we get one of them discounted death tickets. And if they've been like, no, y'all just saying it because he black. and if they've been like no y'all just saying that cause he black and I was like

but I remember I put on an all black hoodie you know and got down and it took us to three o'clock

when we got there three o'clock and I remember it's video somewhere me walking through this hospital an all black hoodie

and it looks hood up and everything and it just looks crazy cause I'm just at peace. And I have to accept, like, damn. Like, this is it. This could be it. So anything I got to say, I got to say it now. And this probably goes back to what I told on Crab Feast.

It was one point I didn't see my dad for seven years. I was angry at him. And then I look back on my childhood and I realized like when I was with him, I had the best times. And I realized he was a great father. He just had his mental illness and the drugs and stuff took over. And I wanted to tell him that in person. So I went down, flew down and drove to Athens. Then me and my sister went to visit my dad for the first time in like seven years. My aunt gave me the address and we showed up at his house after eating dinner.

I was excited to see him. I ain't even finished my dinner with my aunt. I had a steak, mashed potatoes. I put it in the goat box, put it under the seat. And I remember driving to his house and telling my sister, like, yo, back in. You know, if anything happen, I want you to, you know, hit the gas. Get the fuck out of there. Don't worry about me. So, like, I'm prepping this like

this is some type of drug deal yeah because he's paranoid what does it mean i'm paranoid i don't know what he gonna do and i'm already paranoid because i have always thought like this person can kill me too even though that's my dad i'm like you know uh it's a thing when you're from the hood like the hood or whatever can bring you down. This is going to be my downfall. So we pull up and it's like the hood, the hood is the hood looking places, run down and it was like an old dude outside with no shirt on and a skull cap. And that was him. I was like, damn, he's sitting outside. And that's when I was like back in.

We backed in and we sitting in the car like right in front of them and I'm looking at them through the rearview mirror and my sister's like damn you ain't gonna get out the car and I was like oh yeah that's right because I'm like thinking we gonna go together you know I mean uh that's not her dad. No, no, it ain't her dad. Yeah. I'm like, damn, yeah. So I get out, and then he see her, and she get out the car, and he was like, you know, this is the country. Like, y'all, come on in.

You know what I mean? And she left the car running. And when he said it, she was like, shit, you know, I got to cut the car off. And he was like, I hope y'all like white people because John's here. And me and my sister was like, who the fuck is John? I don't know no John. And we went in, and it was Elall like white people because John's here. And me and my sister was like, who the fuck is John? I don't know no John. And we went in and it was Elton John playing on this little stereo system. Remember those radios that had like the five disc changers in them?

Yep. He had a box set of Elton John's CDs and he was just playing the whole box set. So we go in and it's like meat, like all the appliances are unplugged because you don't trust the electricity or nothing like that except the radio. And there's no lights on. So all that is naturally lit. And it's a chair like you're sitting and it's a love seat over here. So my sister go for the chair. Right. That's a smart thing to do. So she ain't got to sit around nobody. And she sit down. He over here. So my sister go for the chair. Right? That's a smart thing to do.

So she ain't got to sit around nobody. And she sit down. He like, that's my seat. And she get up. She be like, oh, yeah. And she got it. Man. And I started laughing.

And I go sit beside her. And he come sit across from us. And he start packing cigarettes. And he's like, you want a cigarette? And I was like. This is after seven years. Yeah, this is after seven years. And I was like, you want a cigarette? And I was like- This is after a seven year- Yeah, this is after seven years. And I was like, I don't smoke.

And he packs a cigarette and he takes it and he light it and he look at us like an interrogation style. And he smokes and he chewing the smoke. And I'm like, this shit is weird. Why are you chewing the smoke? And I'm thinking it's like Pope in the cigarettes or something, whatever the fuck. And he started asking us

these questions and I'm talking to him and asking him how he doing, but the music's still blaring. So we just basically like yelling at each other. And then- This is so eerily similar

to my schizophrenic cousin's place when I go over. Yeah. And he like, he like, he asked me about a person, like a honey doll. That's why I said honey doll at the beginning. Honey dolls are another schizophrenic cousin we have in the family. And I was like, I've never seen her before. And he was like, I'll show you who she is.

And he'd get up and leave. And me and my sister would look at each other. And at that moment, I realized I didn't make a plan for the house. So I started to tell her, look, if he come out with a gun or some shit, and he come out with a photo album, and he was like, she's in there. And we'd look, and it's these photo albums, and it's all the best. I mean, I'm seeing life before crack, right? So you see these photos, especially in black communities,

and how it was families and all these tight-knit units and it's family members I'd never seen before. Then there's pictures of my mom and my dad at the prom, at the high school dances and shit I'd never seen. And I'm getting misty-eyed. And my sister never seen these photos either. So she's like, you got any other photos of my mom? He's like, yeah, keep turning.

And then she turns and it's just naked women. And it's like, ooh. But we don't. And I'm grabbing her leg. I'm doing her leg like this. Right? Because I don't want him to snap or no shit like that. And I don't know if she's aware of how to act in front of crazy motherfuckers.

So she's asking like, oh, that's a nice lady. Like, where'd you meet her? And he's like, I met her at church. And he's just going through this whole, he know where he met all these women down to the T. He remember their name and everything. And it's so crazy to listen to somebody you think is a certain way, actually their intelligence. And at one point we thought, long story short, we thought, he's like, you keep going, you're going to see my favorite picture. And I thought it was going to

be a picture of my mom. And we got scared I thought it was going to be a picture of my mom and we got scared and we turned and it wasn't a picture of my mom it was a picture of my dad in the same position

like the women was all spread equal on they back holding their legs up and then my dad was in the same position holding his dick with two hands

and and the whole time Rocket Man yeah tiny tiny yeah and uh

hold me close that tiny dance and like I'm it's like a weird that's going on in the background because

my it's my sister looking at this shit it's his favorite picture by the way but it's my sister looking at these women and I'm sitting next to my sister.

Like, I know me and my dad perversion. But now I got my sister here, and then it's my dad holding his dick with two hands. And I got to think, like, can I hold my dick with two hands? Like, it's like, it's a moment of like, damn, did I get? Because most dudes are taller than their dad. My dad's still taller than me by an inch. And I'm like, damn, did I get shorted twice? Twice.

And then we all laughing. You know what I mean? That's my favorite picture. I love that. That's his favorite. But he happy. And I never seen him so happy before, honestly, in that picture. The way he's smiling, his joy.

And he could have been high on weed or something. Well, you got that kind of dick. You should be smiling. I know, right? And that's when I was like, oh, since the tension is broke, that's when I'm going to tell him how proud I am to be his son. And I was like, Dad dad I got something to tell you uh he just looked at me and my sister and he just started shaking his head and I was like um I wanted to let you know uh that I had these moments when I thought you were bad but I realized

you know that you were a good father this whole time and he was just like look at my sister and he's like man i appreciate it but i can't i can't fuck your sister and my sister get up like well that was his response to what you said yeah he was like she was like well good seeing you mr bowers and she headed toward the door and um i started to get up and um i was like nah it ain't about i don't know what that about i don't even know where that shit came from and he was starting shaking his head like he like i can't believe you turned out like this you know after you know you you graduated from college and everything you in you pimping and your own sister and then that's when I like start now I'm triggered so I'm getting mad

like no you don't hear what the fuck I'm saying and I started to yell and then I'm starting to cry because it hit me at that moment like oh shit he never gonna know how i feel about him and then my sister ended up grabbing me like come on let's go and we got in the car and i just i just bawled yeah and i was just spent and i remember reaching under my seat and grabbing the steak with my hand and just eating it like it's like like a caveman so fast forward uh we in the hospital with my girl my grandma how let me ask you this how long from that moment to hospital now how many i want to say that's like gotta be 2013 2014 so six six years yeah five six years so um by this time i done did Mushrooms and everything so I've learned to communicate with him

when he has his episodes now so we get in the room and I show up with this white lady or Israeli but to everybody else

she's some white lady and she's there with me and isn't that funny that she's Israeli but to them she's a

is that wild to her that she's considered a white lady? I think she understands being this. But the first time you're like, oh, wait. It's wild to me because my friends code switch when they around her. They be like, yeah, nigga, what's up? And then she walk in the room and they be like, good to see you again. Get into all corporate and shit. I'm like, what the fuck?

I'm like, what the fuck? You know what I mean but I still say nigga around and everything and um they don't they're not aware they doing it that's how crazy it is

but you know um we end up playing uh Elton John in the room but my grandmother's

not a fan of Elton John so she started playing gospel so it's two different sounds blaring over but when I walked Elton John in the room. But my grandmother's not a fan of Elton John, so she started playing gospel. So it's two different sounds blaring over. But when I walked in the room, my dad, like, he opened his eyes. Even after all that? The hospital he did? Yeah, the hospital.

He opened his eyes. He was. You said he coded five times. Yeah. And he was out. And then he was on the machine breathing hard. And he opened his eyes. And then he tried to, like, move toward toward me, like lean, actually lean this way. And I remember grabbing his hand and looking through his soul, through his pupils into his soul and being able to communicate with him and tell him that I love him and I told him that I'll take it from here as far as I can go.

And you did everything right. And there's no reason to apologize. He lived a great life. That's what I told him. That's nice. That's nice to give somebody that before they go and um you know we was there with him and he kept trying to move and and stuff and then i felt like i never felt nothing like this like a um you know you feel static with balloons like a very strong static. And my hands up to my, and it rose up to my elbows.

Like it got hot and then up to my shoulders. And it was tingling, like a sleep feeling, but then going into a burn. And, you know, I was just present enough to like feel that transcend. And then I told everybody he's passing on now. I was like, I can feel it. And they rang the nurse and the nurse came in. They was like, the machine said he's still alive. And then he just went like that. And I was's not as i was saying i was like he's not they was checking his vital i could feel him i could feel him right now going through me and he went like right there and a lot of anger i had at the moment went with it went went with it good and um

i had to tell a mother that her child was gone, which is hard to do, you know, and then see them out. But it was a very spiritual moment to have, and that was the second time that happened because my grandfather was in a coma, and I showed up, and I'm named after him. And my mom was like, come say goodbye to your granddaddy. And when I grabbed his hand, he came out of his coma.

Did he really? You're the coma whisperer, Byron. And I realized the night my dad passed why I'm sitting there, because my grandfather was 67 when he died, and my was 64 and i was like oh shit i'm next that's the well you are next i mean yeah even if you live to be 105 you're still next yeah you're the next one and there's no heirs and i'm named after i'm a third i'm the third do you want children yeah yeah you do yeah you better get started you could be 60 what's the point what's the point what's the point of i agree doing that's

what i asked that's why i am i told my girl i ain't trying to like get old and just eat expensive dinners. That shit sounds so boring. But yeah, man, that was a very, very spiritual moment. I'm glad you had that. You made it. A lot of people don't get to have that. Yeah. We made it in time. He held on.

And so much was going on. so much Hollywood shit was going on that it was a moment to touch down and have a real moment. And then I left there and went back to Toronto to do the comedy festival. And it was some of the darkest hour that helped probably shape the special hour. But I actually talked more about the death and stuff like that. So after talking about all this, i told you before we recorded this your first time here i wanted to ask you advice you give to your 16 year old self now after what we've talked about and the things you've said here what advice would you go back and looking on it and give yourself that's tough um That's a tough thing to do because everything that happened kind of shaped,

and I always follow my instincts, but I would say go bigger. And it's all for a reason. It's all for a reason. But still enjoy these moments and learn how to deal with, be more present with the family. Because just a lot of skill, relationship skills and stuff I didn't develop. And I always thought family was bad until I was like 21. Yeah. And then wait till you get to be a dad, and then that shit hits you a different way. Yeah, because you got to relive. I heard you got to relive everything. It never stops.

It never stops. Then you're going to be a grandfather. Then you got new shit. Then you got new shit. Yeah. So it's funny because when I was when i was 19 i was working a job i didn't like that everybody thought i should stay it and i was depressed at that job um what was it i worked at uh bell south which the phone company oh yeah at the time but it's

funny i was doing the same job my dad was doing he worked for the power company i worked for the thing you know i mean so i'm like oh this is how you end up on drugs in a situation like this. But I looked in the mirror and saw in a crazy way a 2014 version of myself. Like a badass version of myself. A little like an entertainer. Black leather, black glass, black hat. And he was like, what the fuck you doing? You bigger than this.

And it went away that fast. So that's why he said, if you can go back in time, it's like, I felt a version of that has already happened, you know? And I think we do have those capabilities to do that spiritually to ourselves, you know? This is a great episode, dude you thank you you didn't even know what you're going to talk about you said there you go um plug everything you want to plug again the special all of it please hulu right now for uh go on hulu if you're in australia somewhere it's on disney plus spiritual nigga or spiritual n word

is that really on disney Disney Plus with that title? Oh, you know what? They just made it spiritual. A lot of times you get to Australia, they just made it spiritual. You know what's funny? That you might not catch, like people might not catch, they had, in subtitles, they had nigger because I casually say nigger and they had nigger and I was like, oh, you got to change that shit.

Rob Markman Did you tell them? T.J. Yeah, we called it in time because I called it, a friend of mine did a show and they did it for his and it looked like two black people being racist to each other. You know what I mean? So send me, if you're in Australia or if you're in New Zealand, send me what it sounds like. I wonder if it got like a dude dubbed with their voices over it. I doubt it.

It's English. Yeah, but it's like slang. Either way, check it out. Check it out just for the fun of it. You know what I mean? And then I'm on Instagram. Also at Byron Bowers. Yeah.

Thank you, brother. Thank you. As always, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We will talk to you all next week.