The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Chris Distefano

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Chris Distefano! Chris’s mom is an Ivy League grad & his dad is an ex con. Chris has some unbelievable stories about his father who, despite spending the early part of Chris’s life in jail, is still a big part of his life. We also talk about heartbreaking break-ups and the unexpected joys of becoming an unexpected father. I love me some Chrissy!

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a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at CUDO. Conditions apply. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sigler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media.

RyanSickler.com. Go sign up for the newsletter. Go check out my dates. I will be in, what, Phoenix in March. I'm in Vancouver in April. Headline in La Jolla Comedy Store also in March. I'm in, no, no, no, not Edmonton. I'm in Vancouver in April. Vancouver in April. Headline in La Jolla Comedy Store also in March. Go to ryanciclo.com.

Check out the dates. And the podcast here, thehoneydopodcast.com. Social media links. Sign up for your mom's house. YouTube page. All that stuff there. And every week I say thank you. Thank you for the messages.

Thank you for reaching out. Thank you thank you for the messages thank you for reaching out thank you for sharing your pain thank you for laughing at it um and that's what we do here we highlight the low lights i always say these are the stories behind the storytellers and this week's uh storyteller i'm super stoked to have on first time on honeydew been on the craft piece first time on a honeydew ladies and gentlemen chris de stefano yo yes thank you christy d i'm happy to be here that's a dope sweatshirt thank you man i like it i like what it's about i like yours too yeah i appreciate warriors mitchell and ness right there that's old school i'm a chris mullen fan are you so chris mullen is old school warrior stuff yeah

chris mullen is a brooklyn he's a hero in brooklyn you know he just did coke all and made the dream team that is the american dream out of his face out there in brooklyn but my man did not miss and he was on the original dream team yeah so he's a fan of ours um will you please before we get into anything please promote everything you'd like thank you um so history hyenas podcast history hyenas.com for everything we're doing all my dates chrisdcomedy.com I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland February 28th to 29th and then I'll be at the Victoria

Theater in Newark New Jersey April 18th and April 20th and I'll also be at Laugh Boston in April I think it's the third weekend in April I'll be out there check the dates chrisdcomedy.com I'll be all over I'll be in Vancouver the third weekend in April. I'll be out there. Check the dates. ChristyComedy.com. I'll be all over. I'll be in Vancouver, too.

First weekend of April. Oh, you will? Yeah, I'll be there. But go see Ryan. If you're going to see anybody, go see fucking Ryan. I'm a piece of shit. Come later and see if he got that. Just remember I'm garbage.

Go see his boat. Yeah, go see his boat. That's a nice April up there. Yeah, that is a nice April. I've never been to Vancouver. Yeah, I haven't either. It's my first time up there. I'm excited to go.

It's going to be great. We're just a couple of dads going to Vancouver. Yeah? Yeah. I love it. I love it, too. I love that first time up there. I'm excited to go. It's going to be great. We're just a couple of dads going to Vancouver. Yeah? Yeah. I love it. I love it too. I love that you're a dad. I love that.

I mean, being a dad is like the only thing that keeps me grounded in this. When I listen to my peers bitch and complain about not getting some bullshit thing, I'm like, shut up. You're so dumb to me. When I listen to people talk, my peers complain about the bullshit things they're complaining about. I'm like, shut up. You're so dumb to me. When I listen to people talk, my peers complain about the bullshit things they're complaining about. I'm like, what? You're worried because you didn't get it said on The Tonight Show? Shut up.

It doesn't matter. That doesn't matter at all. Have a child. It's all perspective. Yeah, man. It is. But once you have a child, you realize that. You realize that.

It's like life is just like, hey, my kid is my most. My life is family. hey my kid is my most my life is family you know my child number one yeah and then my spiritual and mental and physical health number two and then careers three i would never it has to be that way i would never sacrifice i mean it's not even a thought it's like hey my daughter's always first i would never do anything pick any i would rather be a physical go back to doing physical therapy you know than miss an extended period of time you were a physical therapist i was a physical therapist for fucking three years we'll come back and talk about that yeah i uh i agree that you asked me if i was doing a spa tonight i was like no i'm just gonna go i'm gonna go put my daughter

to bed tonight and that's what i'm gonna do tonight i can't wait to do it it's beautiful but like i i you know steve simone does a lot of work for kids and i went and donated some blood for children's hospital and i i remember seeing all the sick kids and everything and like my daughter's mom she'll be like oh she's such a picky eater and everything i go you know what though she's fucking healthy yeah like if our biggest complaint is that our daughter doesn't eat broccoli right then who gives a fuck yeah it's like and get it out of your mind too like i don't care if she eats uh breakfast for dinner but if it's vegetable or a fruit and everything in there i don't care just put healthy food in the system right now yeah that's all i'm trying to do is get healthy food in the system i don't care if it's keto or not keto yeah i mean

i don't or when it is yeah i don't care if whatever my daughter doesn't need to be ripped no she just needs to get just needs to get her protein and vegetables and yeah yeah i just wanted to eat a healthy ass food um all right so obviously we are both probably trying to correct our upbringing so going back to if you haven't uh heard chris's episode Craft Feast, you've got to go fucking listen. It's a great episode. But you talked a lot about your dad and just some fantastic stories. So just take me back a little bit to growing up, what it was like for you. Because were you a brother, sister?

Only child. I'm an only child. My parents, so my father is like a legit criminal. Not like in and out of jail. I'm talking about like a career, feder not like in and out of jail i'm talking about like a career federally prosecuted federally convicted like legit inmate is he still in prison or is he out no he's out he's been out um and my mother's like an ivy league educated sophisticated articulate woman they met at a walkathon as you do yeah yeah yeah my my mom

was walking in the walkathon raising money for cancer or something. She's just a great person, my mom. And my dad was doing community service on the side of the walk-a-thon. Is that for real? I swear to God. I'm sure you said this before and I forgot. Yeah. He was like in an orange jumpsuit for what she says, picking up garbage.

And he started flirting with her. And she wanted to fling with a bad boy. So they had me really like quickly like two three weeks into the relationship really yeah and then and then my mother's whole and that's why it's interesting because my mother like my mother is the one who like i said was highly educated you know my dad was this criminal in and out of jail my mother would always tell me like hey do not make the mistakes i made do not go into relationship prematurely or have a child prematurely and i did everything she asked me i never did drugs i never got thrown out of school i got a doctorate degree I made do not go into relationship prematurely or have a child prematurely and I did everything

she asked me I never did drugs I never got thrown out of school I got a doctorate degree like I pursued education you're a doctor I mean I have a doctorate degree yeah but it's like technically closest well anybody in comedy oh yeah I can massage your elbow yeah yeah so so so so you know she told me she was like do not know, and I passed all those tests. Every single one of those things, like she was like, I remember being 29, 30 years old. And she was like, wow, like you did everything, you know, pursued the career in comedy, every education. And it was great.

And she was like, oh, I can rest and breathe easy. And then, you know, about three months later, the second date I went on with this girl, she conceived the baby. So I did exactly exactly she conceived my daughter so i did exactly what second date exactly what my mother did and what she tried to protect me against doing i just did anyway because it's just like and it's like but that's a lesson where it's like hey if it's in the cards it's in the cards i don't regret anything but it was wild to like you know i mean i didn't know my daughter's mom at all it was the second date and then she conceived

the baby and then it's like all these red flags and all these things that would be normal deal breakers. It's like you've got to find ways around because I'm trying to be there. I want to make a wholesome family for my kid as long as I could. And it wound up not working out. But the healthiest we've ever been, me and her mom, is right now as co-parents. It just became like, hey, we were maybe meant to be in each other's lives just to create our daughter. Because now my kid's mom has a new boyfriend. And it's been going on for like a year.

And he's a great dude. And I see how great he can deal with everything. And is just accepting of all her circumstances. And I'm like, yo, this is the dude for you. Because he's able to deal with the shit I wasn't able to deal with so now it's like you know there's no ego that i'm just like as long as everyone loves my daughter and my daughter is surrounded by love we're all good yeah so that's that's where we're at now good for you yeah it's all good but what was your childhood like my childhood yeah my childhood was because you live with your mom though right

obviously i grew up with my mom. You had to, though, right? Yeah, no choice. Well, first of all, when I was a little kid, when I was eight, nine years old, my dad was in jail at times. So I remember... And were you told that, or was he working at nights, or whatever? No, my mother's Irish Catholic, so she loves to push shit down.

So she told me she she would tell me we would go visit my father and she'd be like come on let's we're gonna go upstate camping your dad's up there and i'm like what why am i smuggling oreos in my butt you know like you know you know it's like my dad told me to just get oreos through the security so no one's gonna have a search you know so i just didn't know what was going on but you know but i remember just visiting him and it was like cool you know but uh you know see my dad and stuff but i just grew up with my mom and and my dad was always real fun like i have a fun dad like you know he would take me to yankee games and you know i wasn't allowed to drink soda

by my mom's house i might but you know as soon as we would turn the corner, my dad would just hike, you know, jack me up with Mountain Dew. I remember we were at Dwight Gooden's perfect game in May of night, no hitter in May of 1996. We were at that game and it was like my mother, we were supposed to leave the game after like the fifth inning. Cause I had a science project through the next day. So my dad was like, yeah, we'll leave after the fifth inning. We'll be home by nine 30.

You can do his project, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then it's a no hitter in the fifth thing. So my dad's like, yeah, we'll leave after the fifth inning. We'll be home by 930. He can do his project, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then it's a no-hitter in the fifth inning. So my dad's like, yeah, we're not leaving. And, you know, it's 1996, so there's no cell phones. There's no way to get a judge. He's like, we're just going to deal with this shit. Whatever your mother has to say, we're just going to deal with it. Dwight's pitching a no-no.

So we've got to be there. So we're in. And that's why for a 12-year-old kid, I'm fucking like, wow. I'm out. It's midnight. I'm still out. It's like I'm crazy. I'm like, my dad's a man.

And then it was like the seventh, eighth inning, and we had really bad seats. Upper deck seats. I mean, I thought they were fine. But my dad was like, no, it's a no-hitter. He's like, I'm going to get my son down behind home plate. So we go down. There's a security guard right behind home plate. And my dad sees a couple of empty seats, I guess, in like the second or third row. And he was telling me the whole time when we were

walking down, he's like, just do everything I tell you to do. That's all you got. Just, just do what I tell you to do. So I was like, okay. So he goes, so he goes, he says, security guard's like, oh, my son, you know, Dwight's pitching a no-no. You know, I just want to get my kid. It's history. Can we just get him, you know, right there. It was before 9-11. We're like, that was very, that could not happen. Like, you didn't have to scan tickets.

It was like still like nobody was really walking around scared in New York. It was like, yeah, I'm a kid, fine. But this security guard, for whatever reason, was just being a dick. He was like, no, you need a ticket. He was like, come on, man. I mean, kids, you know, whatever, 12 years old. And he's like, nope. So we're waiting there. And then my dad goes my dad just says security guard he goes uh he goes

yeah but my son has special needs yeah and i and i looked up at him uh my dad and i was like my jaw was like open and i looked at security guard i swear and the security guy was like all right have a good he was like all right i have a good game and then he went like that to my head like gave me like a noogie so i was like and then that fucked with a good game. He was like, all right, have a good game. And then he went like that to my head, like gave me like a noogie. So I was like, and then that fucked with me because I'm like, yo, I'm happy we got the seats. But I'm like, yo, do I have special needs? Is that another thing my mom lied to me about?

Because I got a fucked up haircut, you know, because my boys would make fun of me about getting a mushroom. Like, oh, look at number seven at the lemon tree. Bullshit haircut. I'm like, yo, maybe i do have fucking special needs and then i remember we sat there we were sitting there and um mr perfect the wrestler mr perfect was in the was in the row right in front of us and my dad was trying to get him to autograph my ticket and he just wouldn't he would not autograph my ticket man like he just wouldn't

people just being dicks back then and then my dad was like cursing at him like it was like a crazy fight during the fucking no hitter like not a fist fight but my dad was like you suck and he kept calling him perfect he was dropping the mister he was like you suck perfect you suck and it was crazy like people were laughing but i remember i remember even 12 years old dude one time this is another thing I was like seven years old, man. And I know this happened. I was seven years old and we went to my cousin's recital. So it's like all seven, eight year old, you know, like it's a girl recital, whatever. Families there, packed out auditorium.

My dad took me there. It was just me and my dad. You know, we had to watch my cousin, whatever. And he didn't want to be there. He was like fucking, you know, whatever. And the instructor of the ballet school was like this really beautiful like 25 26 like she was a hot girl hot woman and um and like we're just sitting back there and i could tell he's 10 he's like wow this girl's got some fucking body

and like saying shit like that and i don't know why he did this but like we were in like the very last row he's 10 no no no no no the the girls, the kids who were dancing around were like 8, 9, 10 years old. But the instructor is a grown woman. All right. And then the girls, the curtains close, and it's just the instructor on stage. And she's saying, she's like, it's like pin drop silence. And she's about to say, for the intermission, she's like, refreshments are in the intermission. And my dad just yells, show your bush.

Come on, man. He yells, show your bush. I swear. How many people would you say are there? Like 400. And we were in the dead last row, man, row Z. And he yelled, show your bush. And it was fucking wild.

Yeah, I remember. Show your bush. And he didn wild yeah i remember like show your bush and he didn't even like look at me or look around he just like said it to say it and then he was like come on i'll buy everybody candy you know yeah i swear man that's the kind of like the kind of dude my dad is like even right now i could tell you the kind of dude he is like three weeks ago man three weeks ago he had to go to how Wait, how old is he now? Right now, he's 75 years old. Okay. Diabetic, you know, 300 pounds, doesn't give a fuck.

Christmas, you know, it was Christmas, the day after, December 26th, this dude's eating leftovers. He ate, yo, half a tray of lasagna. He's a diabetic. Right in front of me, it was me, my dad, and my stepmom. Half a tray of lasagna in one sitting, three cannolis, a cup of coffee and half a penny alabaca with grilled chicken. And I was like, yo, dad, slow down.

And he was like, please. I didn't know I had a gay son. And then he's just shoveling. Yeah. Because I told him to like watch his heart health. You're gay. He's like, yeah, I don't know. My son blows guys as he's just shoveling the pasta in his mouth.

Fast forward 10 hours. Guy has to get rushed to the fucking emergency room with congestive heart failure. He's like gargling. He really did? I swear to God, man. On that day. Yeah. And then he's like, when he talked, he literally ate himself into congestive heart failure.

Like the doctors were like, we've rarely ever seen this. This guy ate so much sodium that his body. Fucking pussy. And then it was so funny because he's like gargling as he's talking. And even like him. I mean, this guy's got like machines. Like he's not out of the woods yet, but he's like talking like he's gargling. He's like, yeah.

He's like, I guess I sound gay now. He's like gargling in front of the doctors. And he's like, and the doctors are like, what? Yeah, they don't even know. He's like talking shit to me laughing. He's like, I sound pretty gay now. He's like, I'm called Max. Yeah. He's like,'s like when i swallow some cum and we're like jesus christ i swear yeah 75 yeah 75 it's just how he rolls man oh god this is how he rolls so good but there's a lot of

lessons to learn from my father a lot which is like my dad was a type of dad well i'll say and you know now of course me being a father my dad always had the right intentions but the wrong moves so the intention with the dwight gooden game was i want to get my son better seats you know telling the security guard i got special needs and fucking with me mentally for the next 30 years of my life that was the the wrong move. Yeah, that was a bad move. Yeah. Or like, you know, I remember one time my mom, my mom was dating this guy. And then he's, I was 15 years old. My mom was dating this guy. And she dumped, he dumped her and cheated on her and started dating the woman who lived

directly across the street from our house. And that fucked my mom up. My mom every day was sitting, crying, looking out the window, like whatever. And my dad would come and pick me up Saturday mornings for baseball practice. So he comes Saturday. This had happened the weekend before. I say that happened on a Sunday. So my mom's crying every day. Saturday morning, my mom's sitting out, looking out the window, crying. It's messed up from this breakup. And my dad comes into my room. I guess he had said hello to my mom. And he comes into my room and goes, what's the situation? What's

your mother crying for? She's out there. And then crying for? It was funny because he was going back to school to get his GED and so he was learning like a word of the day. I don't know why I always remember this. He goes, your mother, she's out there crying like a schizophrenic. That's not what a schizophrenic would do, but I was like, I guess you learned about schizophrenia and what that is and one of the symptoms

may be crying. I was like, you know, good. Bravo, but that's not what schizophrenia is. But he said to me, he was like, why is she crying? And I was like, oh, that guy she was dating, Rob, he dumped her and he's dating the woman who lives directly across the street. And he was like, you're going to do something about that? I was like, I'm 15 years old. That's psoriasis. Like I was that kid, you know, it was like that 15 year old, like nerdy kid. I was like, I got, I break out in rashes when I have too much, when I think there's a ghost in the house, I'm not going to beat up a grown man. So dad this is true so my dad is like i'll be right

back i'm going to get us bagels don't come outside don't come outside i swear that's what he said and i was like okay well now i'm definitely coming outside so my dad goes across the street rings the bell gets this guy jim uh gets this guy rob as good fellas bro that's exactly what it felt like yo beats the shit out of this guy i swear beats the shit out of this guy, Rob. He's good fellas. Bro, that's exactly what it felt like. Yo, beats the shit out of this guy. I swear. Beats the shit out of this guy. I think you told us on the crab feast. And he beats the shit out of this guy and then, like, we were right outside. My mother

screaming, like, you're gonna kill him! Stop! And he's, like, beating the shit out of him and then he comes across the street and I'm sitting there, like, terrified. He's like, that was your job! And I was like, I was like, what? I'm'm 15 i'm not gonna beat up somebody's dad you know then he just beat his ass and then he take took me back and we were crossing the verrazano bridge going from brooklyn back into staten island like six hours later you know so the

smoke had settled a little bit and he was like you you know that i shouldn't have done that right is that clear to you i'm like yeah i know mom knows the police know you should have yeah yeah yeah he's like you i'm like i know like because i just want to make sure he's like you know i you know all i was trying to say was protect your mother don't be in the room playing video games while she's out there crying you're the man of the house so you got to protect her i'm like well you could have just said that you have to beat up the guy yeah and you know kick. And he got a restraining order against you. Across the street.

Across the street. So it's one of those things. It's so, I have to say, how did your mom feel about that? Because it's one of those catch-22s. This guy cares about my feelings enough. I mean, we'll never be together. But he cares about me enough that he doesn't like seeing me hurt. And he hates that someone else fucking did that.

Absolutely. So my mom would always say that, especially when I found myself in a co-parenting relationship. She said, do not follow your dad's blueprint exactly. She said, but what your dad always did have, what I do respect is he always considered me as your mom still a part of him and a part of his family because I'm the direct link to you. He said, so she was like, she was like, I'd encourage you to do that with your current situation like don't ever talk shit about your kid's mom don't ever disrespect her don't ever let anybody else disrespect her despite your problems especially don't air any dirty laundry out on social media or any of that bullshit because the only one who's affected is the child yeah and that's the only one i'm trying to protect

so i'm very keen of that. But yeah, my mom at times would be like, not that she was never romantically interested, but she would always be like, I like that your dad cares about us and is protective of us. But I think it was one of those things where my dad got remarried very young. And very soon after they got divorced, I was like three years old when my dad got remarried, and my mom just never got remarried. My mom was kind of – she's one of those like old school ladies. She's like, if I have a child with someone, no matter what, that's it. Like she's very Catholic.

She's like, I got divorced. I'm not – I can't get remarried. I can't do it again. She had like a couple of like boyfriends here and there, but it was nothing ever serious. Where my dad – my stepmom is like a second mom to me. They're still together. Oh, yeah, 32 five. Thirty two years. Yeah, that's great.

Yes, it's great. So it was cool to see, you know, how in my one family, like how, you know, it didn't work out like what co-parenting looks like and then what what a loving husband and wife relationship looks like. Yeah. So that's dope. Right now, I'm single as fuck with chlamydia. I'm drippy son well you can get that taken care of pretty quick these days thank god antibiotics man

got that residual diarrhea get that in there yeah get that in now i don't have it now i'm clean your boys i'm actually celibate eight weeks but i got a blowy in denver a blowy yeah as far as pnv completely celibate man and it's good when you remove that power and now all my energy is just at my daughter my career things been happening yeah like if i like if i would have forgot to fucking reach out to you guys probably even or try to even because i was just been focused on i'm coming out to la i want to get pussy but now i'm like no none of that man i want to go do all these podcasts. So it's good. Now, first time in my life, actually, I'd prefer a girlfriend as opposed to just being single.

Yeah. I do not. Yes. Because I want stability. When my daughter comes to my house, it's like, you know, I got a nice place. But it's like, you know, there's no woman's touch. I got my couch looks like the front seat of a fucking car. I have no plates.

You know, like my TV is on the floor plugged in, you know, shit like that. You know, I keep all her toys in a bean bag. Like, you know, like it's just guy shit. I always laugh. I tell her mom, like, look, because I have a nice place and I got a nice room for her. It's all set up. I always say it's her place. I fucking pay for the damn thing.

Right, right. And I told her, I was like, look, I already know. There's never, no parent's going to let sleepovers happen at the single dad's house and shit. Like, that shit's not happening. It's all going to be done at your house and all that. It was funny, too. Like, my kid's mom came into my apartment to use the bathroom, you know, to pick up my daughter to use the bathroom like a month ago. And she comes in, she's using the bathroom.

um you know to pick up my daughter to use the bathroom like a month ago and she comes in she's using the bathroom and we play a lot like you know me and my daughter you know bath time whatever i let her bring all her dolls in there so she comes out and my kid's mom comes out with a long ass blonde hair and she's like what fucking sluts are you having in the house around my daughter you're a fucking pig because she's like really puerto rican latina she's like you fucking pig what fucking sluts do you have around my daughter you're disgusting you're fucking disgusting pig she's like get my baby out of here i'm like that's barbie hair i'm fucking barbie i was like that's barbie or could be elsa rapunzel it's frozen what are you stupid it's frozen from the movie i let her play with the dolls in the bathtub and she's like yeah right you fucking ass you probably fucking those dolls i was was like, I'm lonely. I'm lonely.

I was like, you left me. So Elsa's going to get it. All right, so what – you went – so you stayed with your mom, but then you ended up in private school, right? It's a Catholic school? Catholic school, yeah. But why? Did you ever live with your dad, but then you ended up in private school, right? It's a Catholic school. Catholic school, yeah. But why? Did you ever live with your dad at any point at all?

I never lived with my dad at any point at all. But was it because he was always in and out of prison? No, just this. Or was it jail? Well, it was, yeah. The prison happened when I was young. I only have a few memories of it. But what was it he went to prison for?

It was all racketeering and money laund like i i don't know for sure i just think he was a bookie that's what i think it was and then you know when you get like these government sweeps people get swept out right now so i think it was shit like that so um but i would live i live with my mom and my dad would come see me you know every weekend and every or definitely every weekend and usually uh at least one day during the week um and then i would come see me you know every weekend and every or definitely every weekend and usually uh at least one day during the week um and then i would go with him for the summers on staten island he lived on staten island so but my mother's all about education my mother's all about education and my father's all about sports so i feel like during you know the the school

months it was like education education education then we play i play ball with my dad on the weekends and through the summer. So I was able to, you know, push it to, I think, how far I could push it both academically and athletically. Like I played basketball in high school, college, a little overseas. Did you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was like basketball.

Like basketball was such a part of my life that my friends from my neighborhood who come to see me do comedy can't believe i don't mention my years of playing ball because they're like that was what you were known for like i was in the local newspapers and i'm the all-time leading scorer in my college all right well college division three so there's like a girl on my team and shit but you know like like what can you do you know everybody everybody had to have their asthma pumps taped to their shorts but still i was dropping buckets on those fools right yeah yeah i still yeah i still you were that good uh st joseph's college downtown brooklyn like i said small division three school but you know you're

still though you still hold the record right now yeah i still hold it what was it uh it was like 1900 something points in three years four years only sophomore uh i didn't go there when i was a freshman i was on the basketball team so damn you did it in three years somebody else took four somebody else took yeah i guess if i would have played my freshman year it would have been over 2000 wow and um and so so but that's all because of my father like like the same and i feel like i was able to get my doctorate degree because of my mother so i feel like as much as i got angry with them individually at so many points of my life when i look back i'm like oh shit they both had their reasons you got the best of both

why they were pushing one of them didn't care about sports at all and i would get really mad at my mom for that and then my dad would be like fuck studying fuck your tests yeah you know we're gonna shoot this ball and i would get kind of anxious about that because i'm like yo my mom's gonna kill me if my if i fuck my homework up again that because I'm like, yo, my mom's going to kill me if I fuck my homework up again. But my dad was like, don't worry. My mom was like, she's an idiot. I was like, she went to Harvard.

I was like, you go to prison. Yeah, your nickname is Tony Balls. You know, my mom literally graduated from Harvard. So it's like, and she was like, yeah, she's dumb. I was like, okay, guy, you have three teeth, you know? So, but it was doing my dad she's dumb i was like okay guy you have three teeth you know so but it was doing my dad and my dad was just a wild guy like when i think back about some of the shit he used to do like this is dead serious to practice me shooting high arching jump shots over like big men like he wanted me to mimic practicing the jump shot over like a six foot

nine seven foot guy he would he had this broomstick that he would hold up and he put it was kind of like it kind of was like um in castaway like he had like a little yeah he had like a little head on and it was like funny but then he put a piece of tape down and he wrote leroy down it and the stick was leroy and i'm like that's fucked up you know i mean not fucked up but to him he's like you know he's like yeah most black guys named their leroy i'm like if it's 1950 like yeah there's no reason to name it's inanimate object man it doesn't have to have a race right but that's just the way my dad is but my dad see that's the interesting thing about like 2020 dynamics and being woke and everything and i think there's some over correctness in the sense that

like they just want to attack people when they come from different my father just comes from a different time but he leads with love for example example, in 2012 when Hurricane Sandy ravaged New York City, fuck Staten Island. Not bad. Staten Island got hit hard. People were killed and everything. And especially on the coast, those people, which is mostly Latin American families, their bungalows got destroyed. But my father lived a little inland. So he didn't have any damage.

So he rented a u-haul truck every single day and would go down and help the families out he would help them load and unload their stuff do all that you didn't you know he didn't make an announcement about it like i didn't even know about i would call the house like hey to speak to my stepmom was like hey his dad around he's like oh no he's down helping the people at the shore and i was like oh wow and then he even took two separate families into his home for for two weeks at a time to get that because they didn't have a home got get the kids to school fed them or whatever so that's a great deed but the way my dad is you know like one of the families the guy's

name was Juan my dad called him Jose it's just what it's gonna be and I was like his name's Juan he goes it's all the same shit I was like it's not but okay and then you know he would tell the kids like don't steal my silverware like old old hack jokes you know yeah he would be like you know rickles yeah like that you know you know like i remember you know like you know he would be like who wants to play baseball and they're like we don't play that you know like things like that but the family that the latin american families he took in like they're like they love him they still keep me cut they love him but if like some like social justice warrior today heard my dad say that, they would want to vilify him. It's like, yo, there's...

And Jose would show to fuck up and be like, listen, man. Yeah, absolutely. Well, if he has his papers, not on all ice. He better be a fucking citizen. It's ain't 2012 anymore, player. 2012. It's Trump 2020 now. anymore player it's trump 2020 now yeah so you know so but but but yeah my dad's a complicated guy but i love him and when i you know for i can now sit at a place being 35 you know having my

own child i really know what my parents did for me all the positives and good they did so i just want that for my daughter with me and her mom. That's all good. Are you honest with your daughter about your dad? Not yet because just – I mean, it's all out here anyway. Like, I think of that too. Yeah.

I'm not going to ever be able to hide any drug I've done, any fucked up stuff. I've shared it. Right. So our kids are going to be able to listen to all this. They're going to come back and tell me, well, you did actually see this many times. Like,

yeah, no, no. My dick is on the internet. You know what I mean? I've posed, I put it on, uh,

you know, videos and podcasts. I've shown, I don't care. You know, I'll explain that to my daughter and what the times where, you know, kind of talk to her about it.

Hopefully I have a good enough relationship. Well, the goal is to have a good enough relationship with her where it's like, Hey, this is why I did it. Forget the noise of what everybody else said said so i think you know i think um with with that aspect it's like yeah i uh i'll be responsible for anything i've said or done and when my daughter asks me that i'll just be 100 honest with her do you does your dad is he in

your daughter's life big time oh yeah my dad's, my dad's big time. So is he a good grandfather? Oh, he's a great grandfather. I mean, the day my daughter was born, May 19th, the day my daughter was born, she's in there. My kid's mom is in labor, legs up and everything. And it's just my mom, her mom, and me, whatever. My dad just comes busting in. I'll never forget.

I swear to God, dude. Comes busting in the New York Post. And he goes, Yankees got fucking rocked last night. We got to trade Sabathia. I swear to God. And I'm like, what? Like, literally, she's crowning. And my kid's mom was like, get out.

She was like screaming at my dad, rightfully so. And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck? And then I'm like, dad, what the hell? Then the baby comes out. I have my beautiful daughter or whatever. Take a moment. Go outside to my dad.

We didn't have a gender reveal or anything like that. We wanted to be surprised or whatever. I'm like, it's a girl. He goes, fuck. That was his first word after his son told him the greatest news of his life. He goes, fuck. And I was like, what happened? And he goes, I owe your uncle $250 now.

And I said, what do you mean? Why would you owe him money? He goes, we gambled on your kid's gender. And I'm like, great. So already, this is what my daughter's born into. You're gambling on the gender? He was like, I was sure it was going to be a boy the way she was carrying. I'm like, you're an idiot.

You got an 8th grade education and you think you can guess gender? What are you, fucking an Amazon woman? What are you, in the fucking Mayans? You can't guess shit like that. You're not a midwife. But he's a great... you know it's funny like we were we cleaned out my uh my dad moved recently and we were cleaning out um uh his apartment you

know to move him to the next thing and they found some old shit and there were these dolls uh like stuffed animals that had little diapers on them and i was like the fuck that's fucking weird and then my stepmom like my dad was around my son was like oh she was like your dad was practicing how to do diapers for when she would you come over yeah and i was like oh see like my dad like he would never admit that but i saw what you were doing yeah you know and he's got he's got so many like articles you know he's got everything from her he's got like anything she does he's got a whole scrapbook and so yeah that's he's a good he's a good ground he's like you know he's changed a lot about his life now to you know to try to you know um be a better grandpa and you know do things like

he's tried to clean his act up barring you know a couple of weeks ago when he ate the fucking half a tray of lasagna but but other than that he was really you know doing well on his diet he's back on track now you know but and how's your mom as a grandma oh great my whole family because because there was a lot of uh animosity between my mom and my dad for years they did not like i'm sure they did not like each other that's what i'm getting at how are they together when so yeah get to it they did not like each other at all my mom and dad for years and years and years and be real nasty and i i would that would affect me and uh and uh when my daughter was born she was like uh uh you know they were arguing a couple of times and i stepped in because

i was like hey now it's like this is like you know it's like that russian doll it's like the family gets smaller like you'll always be my family i love you guys but like my concern is my daughter and her mom now like that's this is my family so i was like if you guys want to be a part of my family you have to stop arguing. I said, because of the arguments, if all that energy trickles into my daughter's being, I'm not going to allow it. I said, I will not let either one of you see her or be a part of her life if you're going to argue like that in front of her.

And then kind of like me saying that and doing that has brought, I think, them closer together or just the circumstances of what their new role in life is now being grandparents. I was like, if there's going to be an issue, you don't get the baby so now they're close they've babysat they've babysat my daughter together no i was gonna ask yeah like where i've been there was one time where i was had to be gone for four or five days and my mom had to go to work and so my dad came to the house and like relieved her and like would watch the baby like so they were like handing it off but so so it's it's brought you know how it is like children it just brings everything together like you if you're having family problems and there's like around a child it's like you you think it's

selfishly because there really should be no problems like especially if your child's healthy and everything's all good you know so they're good they're good they're good you know i think it's like they got different strategies you know like, like my mom is, you know, healthy and, you know, all, you know, like she's a woman and she's very much like, you know, she needs to eat the right foods and, you know, be a woman and grow into her womanhood. My dad's just like all day has her at Dunkin' Donuts or at the, you know, at, you know, he took her to a racetrack. They're just eating donuts, gambling on horses. I was like, you got her at a racetrack he's like yeah i told her it's the zoo she don't know yeah you don't know it's fucking horsies and then my i hear my daughter like horsies horsies i'm like yeah baby horses my dad's fucking cursing

because he lost another thousand you know god you know we yeah um you had mentioned growing up too about your friends fucking with you. What was that all about? So my friends, you know, my friends would – it's interesting because looking back – because I got no – my actual friends, like, who are still my friends to this day, like my boy Pat Finnegan, Patty Fly Balls, those guys were always just great to me. They would just sit like – you know, Pat Finnegan started taking Viagra when we were 16 years old. They're just knuckleheads. I'll never forget, dude.

It was crazy. I was 16 years old. He comes in one day and he goes, yo, I'm hard as a rock right now. I just took one of my dad's Viagras. I was like, yeah, I'm hard as a rock right now too. I'm 16 years old. Exactly. Like, why are you taking nail enhancements?

First of all, we go to an all-boy Catholic high school. So why are you popping woods around fucking our boys? It's stupid. So they're you know silly but i had when i was a kid like a 11 12 year old kid my the the guys who i thought were my friends who were 14 15 16 years old and you know they were just being punks they would fuck with me hard like you know i remember one time they were all hanging out and they made me you know they've come over my house when my mom was at work and they ordered chinese food and like yo go down and get the chinese food and they made me dress up and like

uh put my mother's high heels on this miami dolphins hat and a speedo and a speedo bathing suit short and i went to go open the door chinese food and one of these kids kicked me out of my own house and had me like in the cold i was in the cold for like an hour my mother's high heels with a miami dolphins hat on i looked yeah, it was fucking wild, dude. You know? So they would fucking be a douche like that. They would shit in my hamper, you know? Shit in your hamper?

Yeah, dude. That was a prank they used to do all the time. These kids used to just take a shit in my hamper. And then I would go do the laundry and it would just be shit on the clothes. Oh, fuck. So like obviously those guys weren't really my friends at the time. I was like, oh, they're just razzing me because I'm young. But it's like, no, those guys are sociopaths.

But what was positive about it is it internally motivated me I think subconsciously at first, but then consciously as I started to get older to be better than them and show them. Then I started to excel at them past sports. They would always pick me last or fucking throw the ball off my head

when we were playing ball. But then I just got, like, started blowing by them in every part of life. And, you know, I have no problem with them now. But now, of course, they come to my comedy shows. They want to hang out. And I don't mind it at all because I know I don't have to deal with what they have to deal with. Like, you know, who's a fucking alcoholic? Who's, you know, who's got, you know, a job they hate? Who's still got roommates?

They're 45 years old. You know, who's got, you know, a job they hate, who's still got roommates, they're 45 years old, you know, shit like that, you know, that I just don't have to deal with because I took what they would do to me and I just tried to, like, excel past it, you know? Is there anything, like, you find yourself as a dad doing that you would, what lessons or what attributes, whatever you want to call it,

would you take from your dad and apply? I think the number one thing is family first. I mean, my dad is like, he would never, even like with his wife, you know, of, you know, 30 plus years, like he would always just choose me over her. You know, like he was always like, Hey, you're my son. This is what it is. I've nobody's comes before you. So that's what I have with my daughter. She is number one priority is her. And I think the respect of my child's mother, no matter what, that respect is a big, big thing that I learned from him. And also saying I love you every day to him. I do that all the time to my daughter. Specifically, I love you because it's weird. My dad says I love you all the time or my mom says love you.

And sometimes just removing that I for whatever reason for me, it fucks with me. I'm like, does my dad love me more than my mom? It's like strange. I'm just sitting there with a T-shirt gun in my mouth. A T-shirt gun. Yeah. So I'm just like – so I make sure to tell my daughter i love you you know yeah and also something my dad would do like he would write me uh like notes and you know talk to me like an

adult when i was a kid and that's what i do with my daughter i talked to her about stuff even though she's four and she probably can only understand five percent of the words i'm saying i'm like i'm gonna say him anyway you know i do too i drop story i tell her about the past if she asked yeah where was where was grandma judy i'm like well she left she left the family at that point she came back later but she was gone she's just like huh yeah like yeah well you'll keep asking yeah absolutely treat her like and i was smoking weed with my daughter last night. Four years old. Fucking rolling joints in a diaper.

All right. One of the things you wanted to talk about was breakups. So was there a breakup in particular? Yeah. It was 2014, May of 2014. And I had gotten dumped around January of 2014. And I mean, like, destroyed. Like, it was one of those breakups where, like, I've never, it, like, changed me. Like, I would never allow that to happen to me again and, like, get floored like that.

I was, you know, I was young. I was immature. I didn't have a child yet. But, I mean, devastated breakup. Like, I couldn't even, like, I remember, and she was in comedy, too. I remember New Year's Eve just to, like like escape everything because she had broke up with me. She had broke up with me at the end of 2013, so a couple of weeks before New Year's Eve. And I go to New Year's Eve with my boys in Atlantic City.

And I'm like, I just want to get away from it. I want to get away from it. And they put the countdown on, you know, the countdown for New Year's Eve countdown. And they put it on MTV. And she was fucking hosting the countdown on TV. So it's like I'm trying in this nightclub and I'm like trying to get away from it and she's hosting. So I remember the ball dropping and

I was in a bathroom stall with a toilet that had overflowed like shit to the top brim. I swear to God, just crying, listening to my ex-girlfriend's voice and I was still in love with counting down to New Year. And it sucked. I started off 2014 like literally

in a bathroom stall with somebody else's shit. Crying. And I think I got some of it on the back of my jeans. But I just didn't care. So that happens. And then I'm slowly starting to get over it. By the time we get to May of 2014, I'm slowly starting to get over it, by the time we get to May of 2014, I'm slowly starting to get over it, and my boy, close, close friend of mine, me, my ex-girlfriend,

when she was my girlfriend, and this dude, we were like three peas in a pod, like, it was like, we were so inseparable, right, we do, so as I'm going through the breakup, I'm talking to this kid the whole time, the whole time, I'm like, fuck, man, they're so sad, he's like, I don't worry about it, blah, blah, blah, blah, and he was was young he was 18 years old you know i was older so so you know he's a comedian as well so i was like you know dealing with this going through it you know whatever talking to him all night you know he was helping me get through it come to find out in may he was fucking her the whole time so i had while you were together while we together after we broke up all that stuff so that's all those you know nights where he was like it was like oh

i gotta go do a spot he was really going to hook up with the girl that i was just crying to him about so it's fucked up but i don't even hold that against him because he was 18 years old he's a young kid so but anyway the point of the story is so i was like so low in may of 2014't have, like, I remember like, I was like, I don't know how I can get out of this. I lost my girl, lost my best friend. And then also in May of 2014, when I find, I find out that my best friend, you know, did that a week later he gets on SNL. So it was like this thing where I was like, did I fucking fuck?

Did I, why are you mad at me jesus what did i do yeah i got your name tattooed on my back you know you know i'm a catholic kid and and um and i was like what is going on like you know and then you you know you feel like it's personal even though like him getting on snl is about him uh you know but it's like or him you know doing that is about him and so i was all fucked up and i'm like i can't get out of this and then as time went on it got a little bit better a little bit better and then in may of 2015 fast forward just one calendar year later may of 2015 i had signed a deal with comedy central um i was on a sitcom on ifc called benders and the most important of all

my daughter was born so i was like yo in just a year, I went from the worst month of my life to the best month of my life. So I was associating May, right? Like in July of 2014, I was like, May is always going to fucking suck. And then now I only associate May with happiness because it's like my daughter was born in that month. So it was like a nice lesson for me in life. And now it's like even now some of my friends who i went through breakups or went through hard times like you don't understand how quickly this can change and i didn't have that i didn't have that experience to give anybody that advice before i went through it so it's one of those things where i was like i don't regret going through that at all even though

it was extremely painful i'm like i am so much of a better guy now because i went through that and now it's like and if just how time heals all wounds it's just like i mean i could literally see that girl and that guy they could have sex in front of me and i'd hold the camera i'm like what do you guys need you know i don't i couldn't care less about you know i couldn't care less and i could genuinely just be happy for them in whatever endeavors they have so it's strange how your brain, it's all chemical. That's what I've learned.

It is all like love. And it's like, that shit is just chemical, man. Like the love I feel for my daughter feels like it's from a higher power. It feels like it's some universe moment. I don't know what it is, but it's,

I know it's real where everything else is just like, Oh, these are just little chemical tricks in my brain. It's like, you know, when now my friends, my boy was going through a divorce and he's like, man, I want to get out of this. Like, you my brain. It's like, you know, now my friends, my boy was going through a divorce and he's like, man, I want to get out of this.

Like, you know, like, he's like, I can't escape this mental pain. I was like, bro, just drink water. Drink as much water. You just pee out those chemicals, man. The more water you drink, you're going to pee out these breakup chemicals. It's fucking science, dude.

Breakup chemicals. Just drink, man. All you got to do is pee. That's what I tell people now. Yeah. Yeah. So what would you say, like, do you see any of your dad in you that you're like, as parenting? Have you seen any of that? You know what? I don't see really much of my dad in me as in parenting. I see my mom a lot,

like hyper, hyper anxious about stuff. Certain times, like, like just being like, you know, you know, everything like needing to know, like every single thing that's going on, like with my daughter at times, like not having faith in her mom. Like if her mom takes her to the doctor, I'm like, I need to call the doctor. Or if her mom's like, she faith in her mom like if her mom takes her to the doctor i'm like i need to call the doctor or if her mom's like she did her homework i'm like i need to call the school and make sure the homework is done and that's coming from my mom because she's very much like german like educated like this will be done and i and i and i realized and that would piss my father off you know he was like yeah you need to trust me as a parent here and sometimes i find

myself not you know subconsciously like not trusting her as a parent it's And sometimes I find myself not, you know, subconsciously like not trusting her as a parent. It's like, that's her mom. Like, you know, it's, it's even more from nature. It's even,

she's even closer to the only person in my life. The same mistake that is closer to my daughter than me is, is the mom. Cause like she came out of her body. So I, but I can check myself now. And when I realized I'm doing it, I'll usually like,

you know, let some time go by and send an apology text. Like, Hey, I'm sorry. I was getting a little crazy. I just, you know, I have a fucking hyper anxious mom and my dad was in jail when I was a kid.

So there's issues that come with me. Yeah. There's issues that come with me. But that's what I would say. I would say it's not really my dad. I see my mom. My dad, you know what? Because my dad was a gambler.

My dad gambled a lot with money, and that's what caused the initial breakup with him and my mom is he gambled some savings that they had, and it was always gambling. Was it always the horses or anything? Horses, sports betting. Even to this day, my dad's like, you will never learn. I don't know.

I know I look like the kind of guy. All my friends are like, when people gamble on sports and talk about parlay and never learn. Like, I don't know. I know I look like the kind of, I'm all my friends are going to do it. But like when people gamble on sports and talk about parlay and betting and all that, I don't know what those terms even mean because my father insisted, he was like, I don't care if you could do fucking heroin, just do not gamble. Do never gamble. Cause he's like, that's the mistake that I made. And so I was like, Oh, I don't, I don't say I never did drugs either, but it's like, I never gambled. I would stay clear of Vegas and Atlantic city. If I would go there, I never did drugs either, but it's like I never gambled. I would stay clear of Vegas and Atlantic City. If I would go there, I would just chill in the casinos,

but I don't even know how to play the games. So I'm good with that. But I realized there was times where I'd gamble in other ways. I would gamble fucking hooking up with girls. Getting that chlamydia. Getting that chlamydia. Going raw. Going raw daddy.

Doing stupid shit. Even having a child on the second date of someone. Getting that chlamydia. Going raw. You know? Going raw daddy. You know? Doing stupid shit. Like, even having a child on the second date of someone, all that was gambling. You know what I mean? Yes. In a way. So I know that about myself now. So now it's like, I check myself in that way. It's like, yeah, I'm never going to pick up a card game.

I have no interest in doing that. I do love girls, though. So it's like, you got to, like, you know, be smarter. But that's why, you know, I try to make bigger changes in my life. You know? Just, I'm not chasing it anymore. I'm just trying to look for something that's more long lasting and you know people grow i mean you know i'm definitely gonna try to have sex with a woman tonight though because talking to you makes me horny oh yeah yeah dude what about um what about us some other breakups have you ever had like an embarrassing breakup or just not really an embarrassing breakup i was on a date once with

a girl and i thought things were going well man i really thought things would go well it's like two years ago and um my daughter was already born, yeah. And we were having a good time. We were in the back of a cab in New York City. And the cab's slowing down to stop at a red light. So he's going about 10 miles an hour. And the woman opens the door and rolls out of the back of the cab. Come on, dude. I swear to God, dude.

While I was still moving. She was on her phone. It was just like, peace. And just rolled down 3rd Avenue in Manhattan. And the cab driver stopped. And we were like, what the? And I open the door. And she starts fucking sprinting down 3rd Avenue in Manhattan. And then, you know, the cab driver stopped, and we were like, what the? And, like, I open the door, and she starts fucking sprinting down 3rd Avenue.

I said, yo, it was crazy. And then send me a text, like, 12 hours later, she was like, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left like that. I'm like, what? Yeah. What the fuck? You know? And I'm like, did I do something wrong?

And she was like, nah, it's all me. You're a good guy. And I've played so many scenarios in my head, like, like did I do something wrong And she was like nah it's all me you're a good guy And I've played so many scenarios in my head Like what did I do did I say something Did I And then like my dad like I told my dad that story I'm like did I say something or whatever He's like you know what it was You know what I bet you it was

She had to take a shit That's what he said He's like if I'm removing emotions And he's like I'm a 72 year guy, the girl had to take a shit. He might be spot on, actually. He's like, and listen, after you roll out of a moving vehicle, it's hard to come back from that. You know? He just breaks it down as he's just sitting there eating Oreos.

He's like, you know, watching the game. He's still eating Oreos. Yeah, he's like, she had to take a shit. And, you know, that's it. It's embarrassing. And you move on to the next chick. No Biggie Chrissy. You're always supposed to be chrissy no biggie chrissy yeah probably that's probably actually what it was probably yeah oh that's so good yeah so yeah

you know what i love about your dad is like he's so it's all about principle yes for him like what other stories do you remember of like did he ever get into it with coaches or anything like that or coaches he was constantly um he was the dad that was thrown out of games religiously you know like thrown out of games for no i mean he would get thrown out of cyo you know it'd be 11 was he on at the umps the coaches everybody everybody everybody dude i remember too i remember one time he was my baseball coach CYO, you know, it'd be 11. But he owned it. The umps, the coaches, everybody. Everybody. Everybody. Dude, I remember, too. I remember one time he was my baseball coach, right?

I was going to ask him. And I was up at the plate. I was up at the plate. And I was probably 10. And I got hit by a pitch. And I fell down, like, at the plate. Like, I fell down and, like, I wouldn't get back up. And my dad was, like, waiting. And then I'm, like, waiting for my dad to come.

But my dad won't leave the dugout because he go to first base and i'm like whimpering i started to like cry so my dad is like comes out he like gets me at home plate and he's like walking me to the first base and he's like stop fucking crying he was like you're embarrassing me stop crying stop crying and i'm like yeah how old are you i was like 10 years old you know i had like a big welt on my arm for like a week. He was like, stop crying. He was like, I got to talk to your mother. Because I used to watch that movie Little Women.

And I don't know. He's playing with your mom. That's what he said. He's like, have you been watching Little Women again? He's like, and I swear to God, I remember he said that. He goes, I told your mother to not watch Little Women On days when you got a game On days when you got a game Yeah

Because it would Fuck up my emotions Yeah I swear So I remember man On days when you got a game I'll never forget He said that

And then he yelled At my mom about it He's like Dude stop Showing them Little Women Yeah Because I was fucked up Then my mom would always be like oh my god

tony yeah he was crazy yeah i mean he's a crazy guy they would throw him out though he got thrown out of games he got thrown out throw down basketball practices you know but he was the dad like especially when i was playing college ball that's what i want to ask what about high school and college like when you matter you know high school and college high school and college he was always there especially college i mean he would travel you know if we had a game you know from you know the college was in brooklyn if we had a game in western pennsylvania that's a five six hour drive i mean we're staying overnight nobody's parents is coming it'd be a wednesday night game or whatever nobody's parents are coming to that like we'll be back my mom certainly

wouldn't come and uh my dad would be there he night game or whatever. Nobody's parents would come to that. Like, we'll be back. My mom certainly wouldn't come. And my dad would be there. He'd just get a holiday in somewhere, maybe sometimes come with his wife, sometimes come with his friends, sometimes come by himself. And sometimes he wouldn't even tell me. He would just be in the stands. He had this yellow and blue Columbia jacket. And you would always know, even if it was like a packed game and you couldn't really make him out, you would always be able to hear him. Like if something happened, because you would always know even if it was like a packed game like and you couldn't really make him out you would always be able to hear him like if something happened because he

would always he would always yell he would always curse you know yeah and it was like it was like crazy show your bush yeah yeah yeah I mean and he you know he would yell like fucking you know crazy shit but he's uh every it's one of the things about my dad is like everybody loves him you know what i mean yeah like everybody's his friend like he's one of those guys like even when he in the neighborhood i grew up in so he didn't grow up he would come in into that neighborhood to pick me up and take me to games and you know he lived on staten island my mom's neighborhood my mom's even everybody knew him there but he knew what he he knows more people in my mother's neighborhood than my mother does like because everyone's like you know he's like he's talking he's always like you know what

do you want you know saying hello to everyone did you lose weight you know he just fucking knows how to schmooze and bullshit so i feel like as far as comedy goes you know because he even he knows nothing about comedy you know he but i remember when i first started doing it he was like you know chris he was like you're funny enough that's what he would always tell me he's like you're funny enough he's like but i think the bigger thing is he's like people like, he was like, you know, Chris, he was like, you're funny enough. That's what he would always tell me. He's like, you're funny enough. He's like,

but I think the bigger thing is, he's like, people like you. He's like, you got a likable face, you smile. He said, I think that'll get you further. He's like,

everybody's fucking funny, you know? He's like, you know, he says, you know, because he just doesn't, he doesn't care about politically correct terms

or anything like that, you know? He's like, any fucking retard can tell a joke. That's what he said to me. That's what he said to me. You know, like in public, we like in public we were on the subway on the i swear he was like any fucking you know they can all tell jokes i mean you give a kid with fucking anybody you know they'll all do it but not everybody could be likable so he's like i think that's what you

got going for you but he's like that's natural he's like he's just a good kid so i was like oh thanks what would you say was uh the time you were most embarrassed by him by my dad most embarrassed by him there was a time I told it on the last podcast I guess when on the crab feast podcast I meant

I guess when on 9-11 when I hit a kid in the head with a chair because I thought my mom was dead and my dad came into the principal's office and threatened to kill him. And but I mean, really did like it wasn't like, oh, I'll fucking kill you. It was like, Chris, lock the door. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's a priest. Right. Told the principal who's a priest. I'm going to give you two options right now. He goes, the second option is really going to suck for you. It goes, you know, I'd, I'd suggest taking the first one. And then he said, listen, first option, you're going to put my kid back in school. The second option, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

And I'll never forget, he said, I'll break both your kneecaps. He said, you're going to think that I learned that line in a movie. He's like, I'm one of the guys they write the movies about. I'll never forget he said that. And then he said, I'll call 911 right now. He said, I'll tell the police where I live what i'm about to do i'll leave it on speaker as i'm doing it he said because i'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life than you throw him out of school and me have to listen to his mother's fucking mouth for the rest of my

life and then he said i'd rather be in prison with my friends. My friends. So it's your choice. And then he sat back down. So that was pretty embarrassing. Yeah. But, you know, right intention, wrong move. He just wanted to keep me in school for my best interest and my education. And he did that. I was allowed to stay in school. Were you a good student when you were – I mean, what did you graduate with?

You had to be good enough to play sports, though. So what are you with? What's that, a 2.5? 2.5. I probably had a 2.5. But high school and even undergrad, academics were just like, you know, my mother was on me about doing them and I would do them, but it wasn't like I wasn't top of my class at all.

It was when graduate school came along, for whatever reason, something clicked inside of me. I guess my academic potential that my mom always thought I had. So you went through, you did your four years of college. Yes. All at where, Brooklyn? St. Joseph's College in Brooklyn. Okay, and you played ball four years?

All four years. So talk to me about. Three years I played. That's right, three years. So how do you go, because I want to hear about playing in Europe, but also how do you go get your, like how are you doing those things? So after I played, after my senior year in college, i went and i played and tried out for some overseas camps and i got recruited to play i played 10 10 days okay i had a 10-day contract but i was in those camps

like i would come back you play in camp in ireland played in a camp in turkey played in the camp there then i played in the usbl which was like um uh like a semi-pro league in Brooklyn, all those tryouts, all that stuff. You're that good, huh? Well, the thing was basketball was my life. The energy I put in. You're a guard? Guard, point guard, yeah.

But I could shoot. You know, threes, I was shooting over Leroy. Over Leroy. Yeah, fuck it. So I could just shoot threes. And Chris Mullen. Chris Mullen is my favorite athlete of all time, so he could shoot, I could shoot.

You know, that's what I. Well, no, I can't shoot as good as him. But that's what I wanted my game to be. So, you know, after getting cut the second time, I hurt my ankle. I was like, you know, I gave up a little too early. Sometimes I do regret that. I'm like, I should have kept pushing to play more ball. But I don't regret it now because I love what I do in my career now in comedy.

But I was like, you know what? I want to work around athletes. I want to stay part of sports, so how can I do that? And then I applied to some physical therapy schools. I went back, took some prerequisites, some night classes. You have to take chemistry and physics and all that. It's a doctorate-level program. I wanted to do it for a while.

The whole reason I graduated with a Bachelor of Science instead of arts in mass comm is because i started off wanting to do physical and i took human anatomy and physiology and all that shit yeah and then i was like i can't yeah i can't hang i couldn't it's crazy you know anatomy and physiology is crazy because it's like you know when you do that especially at the graduate level like you have to work on cadavers like actual yeah we were doing sheep brains. Oh, yeah. Yeah. See that?

So I did all that. But then when you get to the cadavers, like the human bodies, it's like crazy. But it's so wild, the human mind. Because remember the first day? I was puking. Most students were puking. Yeah. But then by the sixth week?

Dude, by the sixth week, we had a practical. The final exam. You know what? Your dad's Oreos over top those moments. I swear to God, the final exam, the final exam, me and my lab partner Rich, we were working late to the night and we were man hungry

so the cafeteria was open 24 hours so I got all they had was fettuccine Alfredo so I got fettuccine Alfredo and I was eating it while we were studying over this dead body and I didn't know but a fettuccine noodle had fallen, I swear a little one had fallen into the cadaver fast forward the next day at the test he had pinned the the doctor's name was dr futterman he had pinned he had pinned down a piece of the small intestine to you know that was like one of the questions on the test

like what is this and you could see like right next to it was that fettuccine noodle. And Rich looked at me. He was like, that's a fettuccine. And I was like, wow. And I could see certain students looking at it like because I was fucking them up. I was like, that's not part of the small intestine. But so it's interesting how your mind just, you know, is able to accept you. But, you know, so I want to work with athletes. I want to stay around athletes.

So let me do physical therapy. And then I started working outpatient orthopedic uh after i got my doctorate and my license and like you know people come in bitching about like i have a pulled muscle in my pinky or my toe hurts and i was like i can't fucking do this so i started to work i got a specialty in pediatrics and i became a pediatric physical therapist really yeah working with like mentally and physically handicapped kids and that job is extremely gratifying because you're actually making a difference in this child's life yeah teaching him or her to sit or stand from a wheelchair or walk upstairs for the first time or pick up a ball like they don't have those motor functions so you know work it was in a school in new york so i did that for two years and then i

was simultaneously doing comedy and and it got to a point where I like I was missing days to like go on the road or appear on the radio and do stuff like that. And you know I felt like it was unfair. It's like you know these children like you can't mess up their routines like that especially the ones who are you know have autism or other you know certain disease disorders on the spectrum. It's like you can't fuck with their schedule like that. When I call out, got to get a substitute, and he or she doesn't know the routine. So I was like, I need to pick one.

And I was like, you know, I want to do comedy. But I still go back and visit the kids. Do you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's great. Some of them now, most of them actually now, have graduated to a new, like a high school level program. But, you know, stay around, keep in touch.

You know, the kids that can communicate on social media that allow them to talk, whatever they want. It's great because you bond with those kids. And it's interesting too. I'm happy that I worked there because it's like these lessons where like, man, a five-year-old kid or six-year-old kid that's wheelchair bound,

they think like adults. All the little bullshit problems that our kids have, they don't care about that. They'll just be like, yeah, I just wish I could take one step. Actually, it was crazy. Even when I was going to leave physical therapy to go pursue comedy, I was talking to this one kid who was very high-functioning. He had cerebral palsy. Cognitively, he was great, but he just had no use of his legs. So he was in a wheelchair

all day. And it was cool because you could convince him that he was like, oh, I want to walk. I'm like, you don't want to walk, dude. Your legs are wheels. You're like an X-Man. So that's part of the job too with the kids. Be like, yo, what you have is cool because you have to accept that he's not going to be able to walk. So you have to tell that kid

like, hey, just get comfortable. Your legs are wheels. It's dope. So, so he, um, I was telling him we were throwing a ball back and forth. I was like, Oh, I think I'm going to leave. I'm struggling if I'm going to leave physical therapy, uh, to go do comedy. And he was like, why is, what's the struggle? And I was like, Oh, you know, and it's wild that I even started talking to him. He was six or seven years old. And I was like, I, you know, and it's wild that I even started talking to him. He was six or seven years old and I was like, I don't know, man. I don't want to leave you guys. You know, I was like, I love this job. I love this career, but you know, I was,

I love comedy too. He's like, isn't comedy your dream? And I was like, yeah. He's like, I swear to God. That's what I'm talking about. Like when you talk, they're so, they're so focused because they're not worrying about the bullshit.

They're not distracted. They're like, he was just like talking to me as a grown as a grown adult would and he was like um he was like i think you should go for it if it's your dream you should go for it and i was like what are you serious like you're a kid like you have applesauce on your shirt yeah and he was like i think you should go for it maybe you'll never get another chance again you should go for it he's like we'll be here he's like if you get on tv we'll ask you know one of the teachers, Mrs. D, we'll ask Mrs. D to put it on TV. And I was like, I'm going to, I was like, oh, let me just, I just got to use the bathroom. Fucking bawling my eyes out, crying.

It was amazing. Wow. So, yeah. So, working with those kids, that's a huge part of everything I've done in my life, too. Because you learn, you just learn how to be an adult. I love that empowerment thing. I got hired a while back to produce this piece for Microsoft.

And one of the things that they were doing was these 3D printers were printing prosthetic limbs for these kids. Sure. Hell yeah. And what they did instead of just making this weird looking thing was they decorated it with like Iron Man

or Marvel superhero shit right and what that ended up doing was empowering the kids because instead of a ooh ooh ooh it became oh that's cool what is that and these children would then come over talk to them on the same level and learn about their disability as opposed to being scared of it ignorant to it and making fun and rejecting it because they don't understand it. Yep, yep. And I was fucking, oh, I was just,

I was like, that is fantastic. That's where, like, that whole debate right now is with education. It's like inclusion or exclusion. Like, you know, are you gonna,

would you put a child, you know, in a wheelchair that has, like, some of these problems? Would you put them with regular able-bodied children or would you put them in,

you know, District 75, it's what it's called in New York City, which is for the handicapped children. And I was always an advocate. I was like, put these kids in with all the other kids. Just don't try to be in life without all these other people.

It's like you're not going to be able to put, there's no District 75 jobs. You know what I mean? Like they're going to go out into the real world. So do it now. Yeah. But, you know, it's a state by state thing with which schools decide which states decide to do and which states don't well dude thank you so much for coming on here you're fucking awesome thanks for having me man um i love you dude you're i love

you on the lips right now no well you got chlamydia you can stay right over there that's true um i don't think i have it in my mouth you might have it in your throat bro you might have it in your throat, bro. You might have it in your throat. Yo, probably. Oh, yeah, yeah. Advice to your 16-year-old self. Advice to my 16-year-old self? Yes. Advice to my 16-year-old self. Now, you're saying it doesn't have to be specifically me.

You go back to your 16-year-old self, and you can say whatever you want. You can say, hey, when you're 40, dot, dot, dot. Or it can be, hey, next week, whatever. You can be whatever you want. You're just dropping this on your 16 year old i would say if i could some advice to my 16 year old self i would say to him i would say if it's not going to matter in in in five months don't give it more than five minutes of your time i like that i would say accept things as they are not as not as wish they were. George Washington was famous for that. He was able to accept things as they are, not as he wishes. And I would say another Winston Churchill quote that I love, I would say success is not final, failure is not fatal.

It's the courage to continue that counts. I would say that. That's great. And then, yeah, and then, of course, pull out, glove up. You know what I mean? That would go Yankees. Yeah, I would say those things. Yeah.

One more time, promote whatever you'd like, please. All right, man, thank you. All my live dates, christycomedy.com, February 28th, 29th, Hilarities in Cleveland, April 18th, Newark Theater, Newark, New Jersey, Victoria Theater, Newark, New Jersey, and then late April we got Laugh Boston. Newark Theater, Newark, New Jersey, Victoria Theater, Newark, New Jersey. And then late April, we got Laugh Boston. So christycomedy.com for tickets.

Historyhyenas.com for all the podcasts, all the podcast stuff that I do with the great Giannis Pappas. And that's at History Hyenas on Instagram and Twitter. Dude, thank you. Thanks for having me, bro. So much, for real. Appreciate it, man. I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. Talk to you all next week.