The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Christina Pazsitsky

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is the LEGIT main mommy, Christina Pazsitsky! Christina returns to talk about postpartum depression after both of her pregnancies and what a reliable dad she had during some crucial times in her life. All I can say is thank God for Susan! Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel & be ready to watch The Dew there beginning June 1! Sponsor: Go to http://bluechew.com and use promo code HONEYDEW to get your first shipment free with $5 shipping!

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This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew. More on that later. Let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here at studio jeans doing it at your mom's house i'm ryan sickler website is ryansickler.com uh please go subscribe to my youtube channel youtube.com slash r sickler video for honeydew will begin there uh june 1st so make sure you're subscribed that's the only change it's just going over there to watch the video everything else will stay the same you still

get the audio on mondays video on tuesdays all right um sign up for my email list and make sure you're following me on Facebook as well. YouTube. I put up a brand new clip called Weed vs. Alcohol from a show I did at Denver. Comedy Works is one of the best clubs

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all that shit. It's a fun little 10 minute clip step away take a shit you deserve a laugh watch me get away you deserve it jesus christ help yourself all right it's 10 minutes laugh a little bit uh and i can't thank you enough night pants nation you guys are buying this shit these guys are texting me like fucking night pants man and i love it i love it keep sending me the pictures i'll post you up on ig story whatever we'll tweet them out uh i appreciate you guys support me during this time uh ryan sickler.com merch store the honeydew.com uh honeydewpodcast.com

is the website here and the patreon is going to start soon so keep sending the emails in you can email me at honeydewpodcast at gmail.com i want to read your stories hopefully we'll get you on a show um and if you are new to the show what we do over here is we highlight the low lights and these are the stories behind the storytellers and today returning back to the honeydew during the pandemic the main mommy ladies and gentlemen christina bozky everybody thank you thank you thank you i'm so i'm so happy to be here and seeing you i forgot there was a pandemic i went to hug you because i was so happy yeah i'm just so happy to see you um and the world is a strange place i

i've noticed that people haven't seen women and i were telling me, the guys at gas stations. I went to the gas station and all the guys were like, what's up, girl? Sick, licking her lips. I'm like, I usually don't get this much attention. Listen, I am guilty of it too. I'm smiling at every chick underneath my goddamn mask. They can't tell.

They're like, is he Asian? I'm like, nah, I'm just smiling at you, girl. Yeah. It's like the spring after the long winter I kind of like seeing like like you know a mouth can really fuck things up you know what I mean a missing tooth or a gold cap can real I don't know I still kind of like the gold cap I'm old school but it can a silver one back there look like you chewed on a robot or something. But a mouth covered and eyes. Oh, man. So seductive.

I've always liked when a woman has talked to me with her eyes. Really? Yeah. I'd rather hear that than that grating like, you're an asshole. You know what I mean? Say that to me with your eyes. Say you're an asshole with your eyes. I'm like, I know what you're saying.

I'm out of here. Now, do you think, how do you feel when you see a person walking around with the face mask and the latex gloves just walking like just no yeah i i look that's great grocery store or store i get it totally i've been in i've had to go into cvs to get a prescription and people are filthy that to me is ground zero that is scary it's scary is the is worse than the er yeah i i agree i have prescriptions i'm like tom you go get them i don't know why i think that's gonna do anything but the crazy the whole time the biggest thing that i've been concerned about more was if this really did shut down shut shit down and the truly crazy people couldn't get their crazy

pills then they're gonna do some crazy shit. You know what I mean? That's where my concern has gone all through this. Let's make sure those people that need those pills go get those pills. Well, my concern is they can't afford those pills. That's the biggie. Whatever reason you're not getting your crazy pills, let's take care of those people first.

I make sure my Lexapro is on point. I get my shit every day i i count them i'm like better call it in yeah yeah need that shit i agree i think people are getting they're getting fed up um and i i'd look i think texas and georgia are crazy however somebody's gotta fucking do it you know what what I mean? Somebody's got to do it. Somebody has to do it. And if numbers go well there, then maybe we're out of this quicker. And if they don't, we know we're in this for a longer haul.

Listen, I watched a documentary on Netflix, which now makes me a medical expert on the coronavirus. You're officially an expert. And what they noticed in the 1918 Spanish flu thing as philadelphia didn't quarantine until after this philadelphia philadelphia until until after this parade and what happened was there was a tremendous spike in the caseload of people and then it disappeared it literally flatlined because they all flatlined or well they all died yeah it was great and then st louis was like no we'll quarantine it was this long drawn out line that gradually so i think we're going to see a spike of this this first rush of dum-dums who are out there let them take the bullet and

then i go outside i give it another few weeks what do you think it's tough i've been talking about this with a lot of people like i feel like this this four stages in california now i saw there was a fifth, but we're about to hit stage two tomorrow, which is just trail heads open in some state parks. Which they shouldn't have closed in the first place. I agree. That's a place you could social distance in a trail. Jesus Christ.

I don't want somebody right. If I ever get that asshole right behind me on a trail, I step to the side and let them go because i'm like clearly you're an asshole and how dedicated are these joggers with the face mask you know how fucking hard it is to jog and glove yeah it's terrible but if you're if church is allowed which they're saying it is and i grew up catholic which i am not anymore but if you're gonna allow people to literally turn around and shake hands and say, peace be with you.

If you're going to allow some pedo to put a cracker in my fucking mouth, if you're going to allow people that have herpes all over their fucking lips to sip off a chalice and then dab it with a hometown buffet napkin, we should be able to be in the goddamn comedy store telling fucking jokes. Amen. That's what I think. Praise Allah. Yes, praise Inshallah.

You know what's so funny? I miss stand-up. I miss it. I miss stand-up more than I miss socializing. Same. You know why, though? Because the comedy store was my socializing. I'm you.

It was like, what's up, dude? Hey. Yeah, I realized I am an anti-social social person. I don't mind having dinner by myself, but I like to be around people. I like to observe. You can't do that. It's pick up and go. Like, I get inspiration from things in life.

And yeah, the comedy circuit, the world was my social life. Also, I'm not a huge drinker. And I've never been a club guy or, you know, I'm a bar once in a while. But three, four, five times a week or a weekend out around people drinking and having a good time, I feel like I've met my quota for that. So I don't need to be in those establishments on the weekend. I'd rather be with the kids and, you know, home and hanging out. So I've always been, I guess, an antisocial social person.

Yeah, this wasn't hard for Tom and I necessarily to quarantine. We have two small children. Yeah, it's not hard. Yeah, bitch, I've been done in quarantine for the last four years. It's called parenting. Yeah. It's called fucking parenting. Yeah.

It's called having babies. Yes. Like, that's what it is. But to not be able to take them to the park or even to go to, like, the mall, which is what we normally do, was tough. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think this first wave of dum-dums will get sick, and then we'll get immune. I hope. I don't know.

Are you going to go back to stand-up before there's a vaccine? Would you go into a club of 500 before a vaccine? Yeah. Do you think they're going to make audiences wear masks? I don't know. This whole spread, I see these clubs are opening, and I get it. scene yeah do you think uh they're gonna make audiences wear masks i don't know this whole spread them i see these clubs are opening and i get it i understand you have a business but opening to 65 capacity or seating people six feet apart but you're allowed to be four to take like

listen your sneeze your cough your laughter your microscopic whatever the waiter or waitress is gonna walk right through that fucking cloud. I know. It's six feet. It's not going to do anything. Just fucking sit everybody together. I know. Let us tell dick jokes.

Get sick. Get over it. And get back to life. And that's the thing is that we know who this affects really harshly. So we protect those. I've canceled all my fucking senior citizen shows. All of them have been canceled. I'm off the circuit. Fuck the cruise ship been canceled i'm off the circuit they took me

off the circuit yeah yeah we know cruise ships would you get on when would you get on a cruise even with a vaccine i never got on one before yeah i've never been on one yeah i wouldn't like you were growing up with the catholic stuff and i remember the wine and he next next next and his dad but your dad like you didn't even wipe that shell you didn't even wipe it that was so nasty i was like oh i'm gonna get herpes from somebody you're right and who knows what the what's on the hands of that guy putting this fucking cracker in your mouth his dick before yeah he could have and put it right on your tongue and shit yeah and hey let's greet each other by turning around and touching hands you know like then we should be able to tell fucking jokes i know no but i think

unfortunately we do have to get sick a lot of people have to get sick and then get over it like you said but there are people that have no symptoms asymptomatic hundreds like literally the world could have it yeah the world could have it and not even know you have it. Anyways, I'm over it. I'm over it. I actually got depressed last week for the first time. I'm pretty resilient, and I was like, okay. I think I'm depressed. I think I'm...

I just... I don't like this. I'm very bummed out. Look, I know everybody's got their ideas of where this came from, whatever. I'm just bummed out that I busted my ass. And I know everybody's got their ideas of where this came from whatever i'm just bummed out that i busted my ass and i know everybody's got their story but i worked hard thank god i put a tiny bit of money away i'm just pissed that i'm dipping into a savings as a single parent because some motherfucker ate a bat you know what i mean like come on bro come on think about us over here

god damn it's those fucking wet markets. The wet markets. If that's really, or if it came from wherever the fuck this shit came from. No, but then these fuckers cut open animals next to each other in these wet markets in China, and then everything crossed viral colonies. Yeah, I watched a Bourdain. I remember watching a Bourdain episode where they would grab the food and put it in this little basket, and people were sitting in what's equivalent to a stadium. And they just hand the basket up right there.

And you just sit there and tear it up right there. And I was like, God. Savages. Yeah. Nasty. All right. We're done with coronavirus. Let's go.

Let's get it. I feel good about that. I want to talk about, you said you wanted to come on today and talk about postpartum one and two one and two yeah well because i didn't know both times oh my god and the second time i think was way worse in some regards and i thought it would be way better so way way better than the first one but even though you knew what was could potentially come and what you had gone through, and was it different? Yeah. Because not every woman gets postpartum, right?

No. And that's what fucked me up is that I see all these bitches on Instagram. These Instagram bitches. Yeah. And they're like, I'm savoring every moment of this newborn because I know it's going to go away. And I'm like, I didn't feel that way. I didn't savor it. There were moments where I was like, this is great.

So what happened? Walk us through baby one. Okay. Okay. So baby one, I'm five months pregnant and I'm at Montreal Comedy Festival and I land in Montreal and I've got these text messages like, call your manager, call your manager. And I was like all right cool what is going on usually that's not how that goes down they just call you anyway uh I get in

the hotel Tom meets me there Tom's there before me and we go up to the hotel room and he goes you need to sit down I have some news for you and I'm like what and uh and I thought he was gonna tell me that this show got picked up that he and I I was like oh cool and he's like what and uh and i thought he was gonna tell me that this show got picked up that he and i i was like oh cool and he's like uh your mom died and i was like what i started laughing that's my reaction i was like what shut up shut up like i pushed him like okay whatever tell me that you know he's like no i got this call your your mom passed away and that was like i hadn't spoken to her in eight years because of her mental illness and it was like she was so far gone

and so I was pregnant and I think it was you know you're grieving yeah you're grieving yeah I'm in the process of becoming a mom no you're a mom if you're five months pregnant you're a mom but you don't

it's not really but you're maternal yes and you're five months pregnant you're a mom but you don't you you haven't become it's not really i hear you but you're maternal yes and you're like all right there's a human in your your skin yeah literally and and that freaked me out too like what's gonna happen is it like alien it's gonna take over my organs am i gonna explode all that stuff i remember seeing like stella's like foot go oh i'd look i'd see the arm i'd see it i'm like that's fucking crazy there's somebody in there yeah it didn't i know this is so i've said it before it's so ignorant though of as typical the way a man probably thinks and and i've always been embarrassed when a woman has said something to me and i've been like oh my god you know i mean like it was right there but i'm so busy looking for the answer everywhere else.

I'm like, where the fuck? And it's right here. But a woman said to me one time, I don't know, it might be my late 30s, might even been in my 40s. And she's like, yeah, but you've never had to ever walk away from sex worried if there was a person growing inside you. And when she said it like that, I was like, I never, I've always worried if there's one growing

inside you yeah i've never had to worry if there's a human growing inside my body and when she said those words that way i was like man i'm i'm embarrassed i've never had that thought i've always been worried about the other yeah well and it is a mind fuck that, again, that's also very fetishized in our culture that pregnancy is the best time. And isn't she glowing? And isn't this the most wonderful, magical you should be? And it is. I actually loved my second pregnancy because it was less stressful. And I enjoyed being pregnant.

I'm one of those freaks that now likes it. But the first one was. You going to have another? No, I'm too old old i'm not too old i would if there were any i'm gonna be 44 next month so yeah that's that's fucking too old i can't do it i don't have the energy i feel you on that no no energy i have two little boys it's crazy yeah you do but i remember when i first found out i was pregnant with ellis and i started to pan i had like a panic attack because i'm like like can i travel can i tell jokes can i

listen to howard stern anymore like i'm becoming a mom like what so my mother dies and i'm pregnant and i have this weird reaction where like i start crying pretty quickly like when you find out someone dies the first day in the room right there you're crying no it's shock you sit down the first day no no i did later like it took about uh i think a half hour for like you really to go like your brain can't process death no not like that no especially when it's your parent and it's a strained relationship and it was complicated and gross and messy and and you're not seeing it tom's telling you something happened. It's not like you walked in,

or you saw your mom have a heart attack, or car crash. Yeah, you're just being told. How did she die? What happened? So she had heart failure, congestive heart failure. How old? She was only 72.

That's young. Yeah. And she'd been sick. She'd been on the decline for a while. She had cancer. And she was also deeply psychotic and removed from reality, blah, blah. But then I finally do a show that night. Well, here's the thing. I did have to show schedule. But obviously I was like, well, we're going to cancel tonight. And I did have this weird reaction where I was like, I'm a soldier. You know what I mean? I'm like, I don't fucking cancel shows, bitch. So then the next

day i started performing right away because i didn't want to feel did you talk about it at all uh some people knew in my immediate circle like my husband knew burt burt was there i told him and i um i remember his reaction was like oh bullshit you haven't talked to your mom in eight years that's not possible push i'm like what do you mean it is highly possible yes that was my he's like who does that that's one of the like he couldn't wrap his brain right and you know that too and people that have good relationships with their parents cannot fathom the anger or the resentment that you feel as a child of that person also can't and bert's a great dad can't fathom a parent not wanting

to speak to their fucking kid you know there's that she kicked me out that's why i couldn't i wanted love and i tried repeatedly like fuck your love mom you know what i mean like that just doesn't happen no and that's a child's most primal fear is separation from their parents. And so she would kick me out routinely, and she kicked me out. That's the last, it was her doing. Anyway, so I'm pregnant. I do shows, which is, I don't even know how I did that. But I think, you know, like I said, I was in shock. And I was like, if I go home, I'm all alone.

My husband's here. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Because it's always been like this for me, no matter how bad things have been, when you were on stage, did you even think about it? No, you can't. Everything just disappears. For an hour, for 15, whatever that set is,

I've always thanked God for stand-up, because no matter what it's been, when I've set foot on that stage, not a blip of it goes through my mind. I know. It's a saving grace. I'll tell you this. I don't think I've ever talked about this, but I was having a miscarriage once on New Year's Eve.

What? In Austin, Texas. Because you were drinking? No. I got so ripped. I killed so ripped. I killed that baby. That's the way. You got to bring in the new year.

You know what I'm saying? Out with this baby. In with the new year. I had to party. Wouldn't that be fucking amazing? No. So we were in Austin and I was having a fucking miscarriage. And it started in the green room.

No. Yeah. How many months pregnant were you? This is, it was a chemical, it was like five weeks. So literally the first week. Did you know what was happening?

Did you feel what was happening? Yeah, because I had had one before. So I was in the green room with Tom about to go up on fucking New Year's Eve. Tom sounds like bad luck. All the bad news. This guy's jizz. Yeah.

I mean, duds, blanks on uh so i was on the phone with my gynecologist and she's like well it's possible for you to bleed and you won't lose the baby so they give you that ounce of hope but in my heart i knew it was going it was going and i've had to tell jokes knowing I'm losing a baby. It was literally New Year's Eve. Like, hey, guys. How's everybody? And your body is physically going through that while you're on stage telling jokes? I had to take, like, the pain was starting to.

And then I had a miscarriage that weekend. So I had to go perform. Because it's New Year's. You can't call in. This is why you're a woman, though. We men are fucking pussies. We'd have been curled up in the corner. Like, i ain't going out there i'm bleeding you know what i mean like i can't my baby we'd have been oh you guys

are soldiers you are no and we are way stronger than we are we don't get credit but you guys are maniacs like i watched gladiator last night and you watch how they would just put men on fields with ratchet you know what i mean like yeah machetes and you're like that's crazy you guys did the dirty work like listen i'm all for you ladies going out and being the hunting and gatherers i'll stay home i'll fucking i'll stay home with the kids i'll sew i'll fucking bring that bear carcass in here i'll make a rug out of that motherfucker tonight get out there and get us two more yeah no i i don't want to be that i'll tell you i used to be so much more of a feminist before i had yeah i could do it i could do it and now i'm like go ahead tom i'll see you later go get my prescription yeah you go to toledo for the weekend i'm gonna stay home with the kids yeah you know, let him do the dirty work, and I do.

So you find out your mom passes. You're processing. Fucking five months pregnant, and I'm doing shows at Montreal and just pretending like it's not happening. And then, you know, I'm eating my poutine. I'm fucking chowing on waffles. And I get home, and now comes the calls from the priest from the morgue from the you know when somebody dies it's a whole industry it's like going to

pick out yes the coffin or are you gonna cremate her and put her in a fucking box what kind of box did you love her because if you loved your mom you would buy the you know the three thousand dollar gucci box i brought this costco i brought this box yeah like how about just put her in this is how much i love her exactly i brought these pantyhose right here so if a little drips out it's fine so can i ask too? I'm assuming with her condition, there was no will. There was no. Now.

So when she was more lucid and still married to my stepfather, she had created a will. Thank. Yeah. Because that's a whole other thing. Yeah. So yeah. Just know that if you want to give the greatest gift to your children, it's put your will together so that, I mean, now do it now, even if you're 40 and you think you're fine. Yeah. Do it. I talked to Tom about it. So he's together so that i mean now do it now even if

you're 40 and you think you're fine yeah do i talked to tom about it so he's like that's one of the best things you could do because this is a gift you pay like i'll tell you you pay what like maybe two grand 2500 bucks you get it set up it doesn't go through court they don't because this is what the they all told me like listen by the time that shit goes through court it'll take a couple years because the system so and who knows now with however backed up this shit is and then every shark takes their little fucking bite out of the thing and by the time your kids get that money it's not what it was supposed to be so set it up and i did a living will and trust and i even put in there uh that my daughter has to take my ashes and go back to the Y River in Maryland

where we used to crab with our dad and sprinkle my ashes in the wheel. I love it. It's a romanticized thing for me. It's going to be my daughter's last trip with her dad. But in real life, it's going to be pouring down rain. They're going to get stuck in mud. They're going to throw me just out the

fucking window. You know what I mean? That's what's going to happen and I'm fine with that. I'm with that but it's in there you gotta go take a trip back there and yeah i mean i've eaten enough crabs in my life it's time to give it back to them you know when i'm all wrapped up it's time to give it back you know what's so funny is that so i chose to have my mother cremated because she'd specified that she didn't specify no she discussed it when she was alive and i think it's pragmatic and it's what I want to be done to me, whatever. So you're five months pregnant and now you're dealing with every fucking Tom,

Dick and Harry in the death business. And going to the morgue, I remember, and I, here I am. Boop. And then one of the most joyful times in a woman's life is being, you know,

you're your first baby. And my husband's nice to me and filling out paperwork what was her name what was her date of birth where was she born and then the best was he's like uh do you want to see her one last time i was like fuck no are you out of your mind no but i bought the pendant with her fingerprints they're like did you want the pendant with her fingerprints they're like did you want the pendant with her finger i'm like yeah i want the fucking pendant like i i merged it up i was like yeah give her the nice books yeah like i totally she had some pens made with her name on it would you like those yeah give me those pens yeah so yeah so it's surreal you never saw her i didn't see her before she passed so do you remember the last time you saw her?

Yeah, she threw me out. I was in her apartment, and my dad had taken me to see her. And I sat down on her. She was in like a hospital bed in her apartment, and she was like, you are not a good daughter. And she was telling me what a bad daughter I was. I always imagine your mom smoking while she talks with that accent. are not a good daughter and she was telling me what a bad daughter i was and i was like i always imagine your mom smoking me too with that accent yeah just like just chain smoking like the like

the cigarette never gets done she should have um and she was just saying like you know you don't love me i'm going to kill myself like she was always very just like you know on death's door blah blah blah for 20 years and um and i was like mom i you know i was just trying to convince her like i know i'm here because i love you i wanna i want us to be close and she she goes oh your father is here don't let him in i look terrible i don't have my makeup and she covered her face because she didn't have her makeup on and um and then she basically she kicked me out she was like well I don't want to see you get out of here you're a bad daughter

it was something about me being a bad daughter blah blah blah and that was the last time and then I tried calling her one time and she was like I am moving the furniture right now I cannot talk like my stepdad and her were moving and then um one of the yeah one of the final times

too she claimed to have a stroke and she called me from the hospital and tom came with me on this one so i am in tharsana hospital i had this stroke and i was like oh fuck tom let's go and we went to see her and um i saw the doctor i I'm like, my mom had a stroke. And he's like, no, no, she just fell down at Lamps R Us. I think she was dehydrated. All that furniture move and trying to light the place up. And I'm like, dehydrated Lamps R Us. It was in the valley.

It was like summer. It was hot hot and she didn't drink enough water and but in her mind it was a stroke i can't talk i have a stroke and tom was joking with her because we found out it wasn't serious and he's like what are you gonna do tonight you're gonna go dancing furious that lit her up she was like that did you say that to me you get out of here you piece of shit like just yelling i was like oh no i still can't see in my apartment because we didn't get the lamps i was that lamps having a good time let's take a quick break this episode is sponsored by blue chew and we're going to talk about something we could all use more of right now, sex. Great sex. God knows I could use some great, great sex.

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promo code honeydew to try it for free blue chew is the better cheaper faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast and remember when you support the sponsors you help make this podcast possible so please be sure to use our promo code honeyDew at BlueChew.com. Now let's get back to the do. So then there's just the business of cleaning out her apartment. And so my dad was in Hungary at the time of my mother's death. And I called my dad and I was like, I have news. Mom died. And he goes, oh, yeah?

Oh, fuck. She called me a few days ago, left a voicemail. I never checked it. And I was like, well, you may want to want to i mean i don't know what she said and he wasn't hungry on vacation and he's like okay well i mean i'm on vacation so wow and i go dad i have to clean out her apartment because she's renting and like there's a time i'm not gonna pay rent on her fucking apartment so you need to come home and help me i'm pregnant and Tom's on the road but keep in mind he's working his ass off

so we can have a baby so my dad begrudgingly like two weeks later two weeks you hustled it right up yeah listen I'm supposed to be gone for six but I'll be back in two

it was like I was pulling I was asking the ultimate sacrifice for him to give up his vacation to help me clean out my dead mother's home and help with the affairs. And so he finally flies home and he brings his girlfriend to help me clean out the apartment of my dead mom. And like, keep in mind. This is the first time you're meeting this one? Maybe. I don't even remember who knows which one and um and here's the deal no one tells you this shit too when there's like hospice workers helped her die praise the hospice workers for real like any hot any hot any any yes god nurses doctors hospice all those people for sure. Saints to help my mother die. A stranger to them.

Yes. To help. Yeah. Yes. Could you fucking imagine anything worse as a gig? So, just keep in mind, this is a gruesome sight. This is like tubing on her bed that they had just left. They don't clean up after a death scene. So, I'm five months pregnant and I'm cleaning. No, no, sorry. Now

I am six to seven months pregnant. Yeah, cleaning now no sorry now i am six to six to seven months pregnant yeah because he took two he took a fucking week you're in your third trimester almost yeah yeah and and and at this point i should be preparing the nursery for my new baby and like really looking and focusing on our family but i can't i'm dealing with my mother's planning for the new and you're ushering out the old. Yes. So it's very much of a mind fuck. And, oh, anyway, so she's helped, the girlfriend is helping clean out my mother's closet.

What a weird situation for her too. The girlfriend? Yeah, like if I was someone's boyfriend and I was going with them to clean out their ex's fucking, I wouldn't, I'd be like, I'm not comfortable doing that. Not comfortable. It's inappropriate. Yeah.

It's boundaries, right? That's your daughter's mother. Yeah. Now, here's the best part, is that my mother had a lot of very beautiful handbags, Gucci, Versace, nice fur coats, jewelry. And my dad, when pulling down the purses, and my dad goes,

why don't you give Susan one of your mother's purses that's what he promised her he's like I'll give you one and he's like ah that was a little workout deal but Susan wasn't coming unless she was getting one I was like what

Susan's getting a bag what I'm like no I'm not giving this bitch one of my mom's. Get the fuck out of here. I was grateful that she had helped, but I'm like, that's insanity. And then my mom had these rings. I remember my dad was like, I could take that. I could take that and get that appraised.

My friend, you know, George or whatever. I'm like, that's okay. I think I'll do it. Right on Susan's finger. Yeah. Hold this, Susan. Hold this on your middle finger. Just so we don't lose a hundred percent such a scumbag right i'm like yeah and then he wanted a car i gave him my mom's car

and i shouldn't have in retrospect but i did i was like whatever just you know you need a car you're an old man take the car so i'm dealing with all that yeah and then finally like months go by and like i said i I should be focusing on babies. Can I ask you this, too? As you're going through your mom's shit, is the trauma coming back? Right? Every time I've ever had to move, I remember there was one time I was being forced out of my grandmother's house after she passed away, and we're packing up again it just is that old familiar feeling of being thrown away being a honeydew just being tossed the fuck out when there's nothing wrong with you and i found

the picture and i just i broke down i started i mean i've never thought of ever killing myself really yeah but i always thought if there was something I could have done to myself that night, maybe I might have. It's the closest I've ever got to seriously considering, not doing, but considering the thought. Like, maybe I would be better off not here. And I just had been, you know, it all comes up. And then you get into the new place and you unpack that old shit. Here it comes again, you know. So you're clearing out, not well so you're clearing out not just

you're clearing out your whole life not my life so well it's hers it's all your memories of that stuff 100 and now so it's stuff when she was more lucid when i was a child which was great like memories i'd had and then you saw i saw her decline so it was, she kept notes on things that my husband said on a podcast or that I said. Nuh-uh. She listened. Yeah, she listened. And did you know that? No.

You find this little book or something? Mm-hmm. She had kept, she printed out a folder. And if there was a picture like on the internet of my husband with his arm around a girl like a fan. Is this how Tom came up with mostly stories my mom's dossier she wrote like that's my new hour taking a dump yeah but she had kept notes on us and it was very bizarre and she'd collected uh she'd make notes about what dogs she'd seen in the neighborhood. Passwords where she'd highlight, you know, instruction manuals.

She would have the Bible. She was obsessed with the Bible. And like, she'd really lost her shit. So actually that was harder. To really see the extent of her psychosis and her decline. Because you don't remember them that way. Your parents, you think of them as they were when you were young and she was more lucid when i was younger so that was actually the hardest was to go like oh wow like i it validated my whole thing of of being

fucked up like it wasn't just a hallucination like she was crazy and right she raised me so i've had to do a lot of work to get out of that upside down of like because no one validated it that she was crazy like my dad would be like what's wrong with you you know he was crazy he's the one bringing susan to get it back yeah so everybody in my parent world was foreign and crazy so it was like that was happening and then now i'm gonna become a mother and there's no mother to show me how to be a mom like my whole life and then there's no aunt there's no grandma like i don't have anybody oh wait until that he wanted to bring susan to the delivery. What? But first of all, that is insane.

But why would Susan want to come to the delivery? She wanted to watch me breastfeed the first time. I remember it was like the first day Ellis was born. They teach a woman how to breastfeed in the hospital. It was like day two of his life.

And I was like, okay, well, I gotta feed my son, so fuck off was like day two of his life. And I was like, okay, well, I got to feed my son. So fuck off now. Get out of my room. And she was like, can I watch? She asked me 50 something. My dad's 70. Yeah, right. Can I watch?

She asked me and I said, no, I don't really feel comfortable. Like I'm, who the fuck are you? Right. Yeah. So shit like that was depressing too like I had no support um in my own my bio family and no common sense no common like just the standard shit yeah structure boundaries yeah like and I also had never held a baby I never held a baby I never changed a diaper my first time was with Ellis and so like i felt i'm a perfectionist uh i'm the kind

of person if you throw me into something i have to be great at it right away i'm very fucking hard on myself i barely got into college but when i did my first semester was straight fucking ace because i am not going home i'm in god i am all in and i'm never going home i barely got in here but you watch i'm gonna work my dick off and I'm going to be the best. Same with stand-up. I'm very like, I got to go. So, you know, I find myself getting very anxious. You know, you can't sleep, obviously, because the baby's awake too.

And that ride home, you know what I'm talking about. The first ride home with a baby. Man, I was slowing down at green lights. You know what I mean? Like, I think this one's coming up yellow, guys. that was more than anything i'm so glad you said it because i was more scared more scared than her dying in her sleep more scared and suffocating choking was the right when they give you this human with no instructions and go here good luck to you yeah you know you're like fuck i was I was. I was the same way.

On that ride home, I was scared. And I didn't. Scared. Terrified. And I didn't even know how to buckle him into the seat. I remember Tom and I both being like, nurse, can somebody help me? And I sat next to the baby. And your insides are still jelly when you give birth.

Your organs are up here, and they need to settle. So I can't really walk. They make you go out in a wheelchair and all can't really walk like you're they make you go out in a wheelchair yeah yeah and you're physically just devastated and i don't like to be sick i don't like to be in case infirm because i'm very like fuck you don't want to do it so to be like broken mentally physically and then have this newborn it was too much i think i just i fucking cracked like i remember tom going to do stand-up like just a spot at the ice house or something maybe a month after ellis was born and i was changing ellis's diaper and i had convinced myself that he was getting a fever even

though i don't think he was sick at all i was convinced i didn't want to take his anal temperature even though that's how you're supposed to do it i was like I can't I don't and I fucking called him and I was like crying hysterically like you need to come home you need to come home I can't do this alone I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing and like oh I remember when I brought Ellis home we had hired a nanny to help we had like no help we have no family and I remember coming into the door, like that first time home with a baby, and she's like, let me have him.

You need to go sleep. And I handed her my child, but my paranoid, crazy mind was already like, what if she smothers him? What if she drops him? I don't know this person enough. I don't trust you. You see these videos of people putting kids in the freezer and shit because they cry. Yeah, you don't know what the fuck. I don't trust you. You see these videos of people putting kids in the freezer

because they cry. You don't know what the fuck's going to happen. When you're postpartum, that's even worse. She read it on me and she was like, don't worry. Go lay down. I'm going to be sitting right here. I was like, this bitch knows I'm losing my fucking mind.

That's nice. Was she a mom? No. Now I would not hire a nanny that has not had children never did susan have kids yeah yeah susan apparently gets uh gets off by watching ladies breastfeed i was so susan get the fuck out of here. God damn it. Yeah. Can I watch? That's so gross. It was the weirdest thing. It's just a tier lower than a dude saying, can I watch? Like, I don't know why.

It's Susan's right behind that. Who the fuck are you? I just met you. Yeah, bitch. You're not even my stepmom. Like, a month from now, you will be replaced by somebody else. I know you don't want me to get that Gucci bag but can I watch you? Can I watch you breastfeed?

I mean so yeah so I lost my fucking mind but you know when you're losing your mind you don't know it at the time. I don't know. I've never had postpartum. You know? Yeah well when you're in it everything

happens it creeps up slowly to the point where it's your normal right like everything becomes high anxiety like i have to take the baby to the doctor today how am i gonna do that how am i gonna do that i have to shower i have to put him in the thing and then what if he starts crying and what if i can't feed him and what if what like all these crazy fucking thoughts happen and then you just get depressed and crazy and days and nights blend together which is also a normal part of being a new mom i remember that part too like you're like what day is it oh my god we just woke up 10 minutes ago it's six o'clock already like i remember that being a

fucking blur yeah and depression because you go what have i done what the fuck is this why did nobody tell me that this is horrible like i said instagram told me that this was the best time in my life and i should be savoring these moments and i'm not i don't like it i don't like being a mom i fucked up plus dealing with the grieving of my own mother it was complicated it was too much and i didn't know how far into uh this are you feeling like you fucked up two months three months dude it was like a weekend oh wow i'm like like it was a one night stand i don't know if i should be into this yeah i was like fuck dude and i even kind of concealed it from my therapist. Cause we would talk and she's like,

don't worry. It's going to get better. I promise. And I was like, okay. Like I kind of was white knuckling and I took progesterone and that helped, but it was a year of just like not sleeping, being obsessed with the baby obsessed.

I'm going to drop him. I'm going to drop him. I'm going to drop him. He's not going to be okay. And then once they turn a year, I get chill. Same with Julian. So Julian comes, the second baby, and I think I'm going to be fine. I'm like, it's going to be fine. It actually gets worse because he's born, and I know what's coming.

Do you know what I mean? Is it a chemical thing? Yeah. It is. So if you had four babies would you have do you think you'd have postpartum after every one of them yeah and i do think it has something to do with my age because i'm older and so the hormonal stuff is is whack like i'm supposed to be perimenopausal right like for mid-40s is when you start to shut down yeah

so estrogen patches and everything yeah and i're all antsy and angry as fuck. Yeah, I'm dealing with it. Oh, you're doing this now? We are going through it. Oh, no. Yeah, she has a patch and all that stuff now. Yeah, and with Ellis, I didn't have that kind of interference,

but with Julian, yeah, I was doing patches. I was injecting myself every night. I had to inject her own too yeah for like months yeah and then so to have that you literally have everything inside of you come out of you in one push like imagine that yeah and so you're just literally left hollow and you're like you just crash and you're tired and broken i mean i've taken shits where i've cried after you know what i mean i can't imagine a child coming out of me exactly the same but you're tired and broken. I mean, I've taken shits where I've cried after. You know what I mean? I can't imagine a child coming out of me. It's exactly the same.

But you're physically broken. You're low. And it's terrifying. And with Julian, I was like. So how far between are Julian and Ellis? Two years? Two and a half? Two years.

So for a full year, you're going through postpartum with Ellis. And then you start to feel better. And then pretty quickly, then you're pregnant through postpartum with Ellis. Yeah. And then you start to feel better. And then pretty quickly, then you're pregnant again. I lose my mind. Yeah. Because what happens is I got on that progesterone after Ellis when he was about four or five months old. And that really leveled me out.

And when Ellis is about eight months old, I start to think about baby number two. Because I'm like, all right, I made it through the dark forest. I think I can do this. too, because I'm like, all right, I made it through the dark forest. I think I can do this. Can you talk about what you felt like when you felt it shift for the better and how you felt and what it was like?

Did you really feel like you were coming out of something or did you just all of a sudden notice you didn't feel this way anymore? What happened? I like to really monitor my internal states. I remember with Julian, because I can't remember that far back, sorry.

It's also a blur. Like you lose your memories, Mom. But were you like, woo! Like it's over. Like people are going to be after this fucking coronavirus. Or were you just like, oh my God, I haven't felt like shit for two weeks. Yeah, it was subtle with Julian,

the depression and the anxiety. The anxiety started with Julian and I would get preoccupied with supplies. It's an anxiety disorder. I develop OCDs is what I notice. And I got to buy wipes. We don't have enough wipes. We have to buy diapers.

I got to buy more diapers. What does he need? What does he need? Let me go get it. Let me go get it. And it became like if I could just acquire enough things for the baby, the baby would be okay. With Ellis, it was checking on him. Is he breathing?

Are you breathing? Okay, on him is he breathing are you breathing okay good is he breathing i did that a lot you know i was by myself when she's one and i would i put her in bed and she'd sleep i creep back the hall and i put my ear right up there to hear that yeah i'm like okay i got another i got another 30 40 minutes of relaxation and i'm back there again like okay she turned so she's still alive you know i still i man well and then you add breastfeeding to it which is they pressure you to breastfeed the hospital i delivered ellison it was mandated that you had to breastfeed there was no other option no i was like what if you didn't want to

there's no fucking and i know some women have trouble with like they don't their nipples aren't long enough and the baby doesn't latch and they it hurts them of course and we had those problems with ellis too he didn't latch i had huge tits full of milk the baby wasn't latch and it hurts them. Of course. And we had those problems with Ellis too. He didn't latch. I had huge tits full of milk. The baby wasn't drinking it. He was starving. He was crying.

And you're in pain. And I'm freaked out. I'm in pain. It's like the worst thing. And with Julie and I learned the tricks from the first baby. So that part wasn't so crazy. But I got obsessed with my milk supply. I've got to increase the supply.

I got obsessed with pumping. Did you freeze them and stuff in the bags? I did everything. Yeah, we did that. All this fucking nutty shit. So anyway, I noticed that I wasn't enjoying anything. Life became very survival. You know when you're just surviving.

Everything's overwhelming. And no medication at the time to counter that. Not yet. But I noticed that I'm getting like, everything's overwhelming. Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Where are my keys? I can't do anything right.

Like, everything's scary and overwhelming and I'm OCD about everything. Like, I'm developing obsessions and then I tell him I shrink. I'm like, I... Oh, and then the fires happen. Mm-hmm.

And I lose my fucking mind. Having a baby... And Tom, was he out? The town during that? No, he was here, thankfully. We evacuated our house, we went to a hotel and that's when it was like I am cooked. I need

something here. Something is wrong. Because I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't enjoying life at all. And then I took Lexapro and it was like oh, I think I want to see that funny video Tom's watching oh that's that's a sign but the first time i took lexapro i literally in my head like i went boop and i

heard that nina and the wave song i'm walking on sunshine literally it touched my tongue just five milligrams and i was singing it in my sleep. And I was like, oh, this is going to be great. I took it for a little while. I took it for like six months. I took a five milligram, and it just didn't work for me. It didn't, like I've had friends tell me it made them a zombie, where they didn't have any high highs or any low lows.

And I would bite down on my jaw a lot, like I was on speed. You know, I would bite down on my jaw a lot. I was on speed. I would do that. And then I knew, I took it not too long ago and I heard this song. I can't remember her name. Camila Cabello or whatever her name is. Shawn Mendes is dating her or something.

The girl got in trouble for some racist, old racist tweets. But anyway, she's got this fucking song. It sounds like everybody in the world. Racist tweets. Every young kid that's coming up. Okay. old racist tweets but anyway she's got this fucking song like everybody right every every young kid that's coming up okay um this song is called like the first man who ever loved me or something it popped up so i'm listening and her voice is amazing so i'm listening to the words

and i just love the words and songs and it ends up being she's singing to her dad she's an older girl now she's going out this guy and he's an older girl now. She's going out with this guy. And he's not going to drink and drink. All this shit. But you're the first man. I start fucking bawling and laughing at the same time. Like, yeah, this is like, bro, this shit ain't working. But I was happy.

You know what I mean? It was like, ah. And I was like, oh, I do feel things. I feel things. I feel things. And then so I play it for Donna. And I'm like, listen to I do feel things. I feel things. I feel things. And then, so I play it for Donna, and I'm like, listen to this song. And I don't tell her anything about it. And then it clicked.

She's like, oh, this is Stella singing to you. And I was like, yeah. And then we both just started laughing. I was like, oh, my God. Yeah, something's. I'm a sucker sometimes, though. But I don't want to not feel that. You know what I mean?

Not feel sadness? Yeah, I don't want to not feel that you know what i mean like not feel sadness yeah i don't want to not feel but that wasn't necessarily a sadness that was um it was a it was emotional but i don't know if it was sad you know it was a moved very moved yeah yeah but i don't want to be a zombie i want to have high highs and if i have a low low then i want to experience that and then pull myself up out of it. So I know, again, like, you know, that was that was a bad spot. I don't want to just go through life going, oh, seven people just died next to me.

No, no. And Lexapro shouldn't do that to you. That's that's a warning that it's not working for you. They actually tell you they're like, if you don't touch your tongue and sing Walking on Sunshine, it ain't working i'll tell you that didn't happen no because i still feel and i still get moved i just don't i don't um for me it's thought anxiety disorder like anxiousness i was always hyper vigilant is what they call it anxiousness i used to wake up fuck with both babies wake up before the baby

okay what do I gotta do? I gotta go down. I gotta prepare the bottle. I gotta get the thing ready. And I would just, everything, I was always ten steps ahead. I gotta feed the dogs. I gotta fucking do-do-do-do-do. Like, that hyper-vigilance way of living is just terrible. Tom doesn't know what the fuck to do with me

when I'm like that. What can he do? He can't relate. And as a woman, you feel like it's all on you to keep that baby alive because you're the milk. You're the supply. You're the mom. It all boils down to mom. It ain't fucking dad. Dad's tits ain't going to feed that baby. My titties ain't feeding that baby. No. It's mom.

And especially with little boys, that developmental thing, they're in love with mom, dude. Like you see it with Stella and you. I'm sure like it is daddy. It is fucking daddy. And you set her up. She gives her mom a hard time that she does not give me.

No. And I see it. You know, I'm like, yo, we don't do that. We don't do that. And she'll look at me and she'll be like. You know, but I also am working on mastering looks. Oh, that. Instead of yelling, you know, just firing that look off that that says everything that's

what i'm working i mean i'm getting pretty good at it she knows what's up yeah but i've yelled i've only snapped once and she goes you made me cry i go well you know what you're five and a half years old i've done that one time i'm allowed to take an l you know what i'm saying i'm allowed to take an l yeah you did good yeah and you also dad's not fucking around i'll make a mistake but it's not gonna be that oh it's okay it's not okay neither was my neither was me yelling but i've done that one time in her entire life and it wasn't even that bad you know she just hadn't seen it yet you know she's like what is that i was like that's me being fucking serious now here's some ice cream yeah but she has to know kids also i feel like tommy does tell him he's more of a yeller than me he gets a little more emotional and i'm like

i've been on the phone with him when he's like oh my god he's yelling like hey don't touch that but i think uh it's especially with boys and men that's some alpha dog shit I can't teach my sons you guys have a natural order to male dominance you walk into a room I don't know you guys size up other dudes right like could I kill that guy I don't know I can't teach him that

I can take that dude that one I probably can't but I'm gonna I'll probably buddy up with him right like the male you guys are different that way That one I probably can't, but I'll probably buddy up with him. Right. Right. Like the male. You guys are different that way. I cannot teach my sons that alpha shit of like, put that fucking down. Like that is a dad.

Your dad needs to scream at you a little bit. Yes, I agree. A little bit of yelling. Fine. Is fine. Don't hit him. No. Let him know that you've, you know.

Yeah. You gotta let him know. That you mean fucking business in the world isn't always going to be but also there i i believe in if you just switch gears you know if we stayed in first gear all the time what fucking fun is that you know what i mean you're if you're gonna push then i go somewhere too you know it has to i think you need to match the intensity sometimes oh yeah but also sometimes you just you know your anxiety and all the bullshit you're dealing with from the day just got stacked onto this yeah yeah yeah and with julian i feel more guilty because there were

times i had to walk away like the crying would just put me like in a i can't do it i gotta walk away from this and i would hand the baby to somebody else thankfully i think that's what they my shrink was telling me that so many women when they get this stuff they don't admit it and they don't ask for help and that's what really damages your kids if you can just be like i'm out of my mind someone take this baby from so did you know it was postpartum the second time but what what about the first time? No fucking idea. And you had never felt this way before? Never in my life was I this hyper anxious.

So did you go get help the first time or you just sort of worked through it? No, I have a shrink that I've been with for like a decade. Okay. But I was concealing from her how fucking terrified and fucked up I was. I was like, fine, no, it's good. We're good. It's good. Because I didn't know. I had no idea. I just thought this is what motherhood was. I was like, fine, no, it's good. We're good. It's good. Because I didn't know. I had no idea. I just thought this is what motherhood was. I'm just going to have to suffer.

It's going to be like this forever. I don't know. Is this what it's like to have kids? This is terrible. Why does everyone say it's so great? It's terrible. And then, like I said, he would get developmentally older and I would relax. He would sleep through the night. Oh, okay. No, this is better. Okay, I get this.

This is cute. Like, okay, he can eat now. Oh, good. I stopped breastfeeding at four months. Okay, good, good. Now this is... Okay, this is getting... The more, you know...

And then by the time he was up and walking and pulling shit down and, you know, telling me no and fuck off, I was like, all right, I like this. This is what I'm talking about. Got it. Give me 10 toddlers over a newborn any day i don't sure it does get easier yeah yeah i like i mean the thing about

newborns that i loved is they don't walk they don't you know you could back i could shower i could sit right in the little car seat or the little clicker thing right on the floor and i could shower and stuff now i would be so scared like to let her eat where i wasn't in the room now no no when you know she'd be in her high chair at two or whatever and i feed her and i'm like i gotta get a fucking shower when am i ever gonna get a fucking shower and i'd be like are you all right out there i still you know yeah i'm like all right i just keep showering as fast as i can. You good? Why do you keep asking? I have anxiety.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot of that stuff. But I don't know. Now I love it. Like, Julian is almost two. Ellis is four. And it's fucking rad. Because I'm dealing with people who can fucking communicate and talk.

And tell me what they like and don't like. And how they're feeling. Yeah, it's the helplessness of the newborn that made me like, I can't, I don't know, I don't know. I'm scared. And it's on mom. Did you take, you didn't take Lexapro till the second time? Till the second one.

So you just, well, you didn't even really work with your therapist for a bit. You kept it from her for a little while. I did, and then. When did you finally like, all right, this shit work with your therapist for a bit. You kept it from her for a little while. I did. And then. When did you finally like, all right, this shit's crazy. By the second baby. Because I look back. So wow, all the way to there.

I didn't know. I did not. I see. It wasn't until I had Julian and I was like, oh. And you didn't read up or look up the stuff. I did. But, okay, put it this way. I was goth since I was 12 or 13 so depression anxiety

you put the og and god yeah bitch i've been done depressed and anxious since i was fucking four like yeah bitch like i'm listening to bow house in the dark since i was 10 what are you gonna tell me what do i know i have have been pre-partum. Yeah. Yeah. I'm anxious and depressed most of the time. Especially because with Ellis, I was dealing with my mother's death. So how much of that was

grieving? How much of that was God, you got so much going on. Too much happening. Life leaving, life coming in, and you're a mom. Susan's wanting to watch you titties. I in and you're a mom yeah susan's wanting to watch your titties i mean you got a lot going on it was too yeah it was so much that i was like is this postpartum or just the normal reaction to all the horror that's happening in my life it was too much but so by the second when my life was stable we had a nice life we got the house we got the kids

we got the dogs. I was calm. I did Pilates through my second pregnancy. I was eating Mediterranean food. Like, you know, it was chill. So I had a chance to observe my feelings and just chill. And then I was like, oh, yeah, I'm fucking anxious. Something's wrong with mommy.

Pop the Lexapro. Say goodbye to your problems. It was great. Look at me. I'm wearing colors. I started wearing colors. You look great. Thank you.

Yeah, you're not in black. No, and I wore black for so many years. And I just think I was depressed for so many years. And I just didn't even know it. Yeah, I remember after my father died, I wore black everything. And jeans. And I didn't know it either i didn't i don't know what the fuck i was going through you know what i mean i just knew and now i look back on it i'm like man nobody checked up on us you know what i mean like

and maybe they didn't know i i know i went through a lot of shit at 16 that that adults that that my friend's parents had never experienced so maybe they were people that didn't even know what to say or do but um yeah man you don't you're right when you're in the thick of it sometimes you don't even know what's happening to you why it changed what's happening um so it's good that you can really be honest with yourself and and get some help but that takes an extra layer like i was talking to my shrink about that, like the ability to step outside of your emotions and observe them as an objective observer. It's real.

That's a learned skill to be like, I'm feeling this. Oh, let me take a step back. Oh, I'm feeling this and this and that. And like looking at it, that's a skill. That is a skill. And also, you know, damn damn well if your girlfriend came to you you would give her the best advice and then that same advice you probably wouldn't even follow yourself which is another fucking skill like why don't i do what the fuck i'm telling susan to do

just love yourself well i remember too i kind of reached out to one person and i was like i'm just so stressed out about i'm just stressed out about ell Ellis and she's like well you shouldn't be stressed out by your kids you should enjoy your kids and I and I was like oh maybe this person knows something I don't know I don't know I didn't know I didn't have friends that were like moms that I could reach out to I was really isolated and we were living out in Redondo so we were physically isolated too at the time and Tom was on the road. It was just like a lonely time.

And it is for every new mom because you're just inside with this baby for three months. Scared. Scared, yeah. Scared of everything. And I didn't have somebody like a mom that could come over and be like, oh no, this is normal. Let me help you. You just shake them real hard like this, right? You know what's funny?

They used to just put the babies outside. The baby needs fresh air, and you just put the carriage outside and let that baby sleep in the snow. Whiskey on the, all of that shit. They used to do all that shit to kids. Kids are resilient. That's the thing, you know. Kids are resilient, but I didn't know you went through all that,

and I appreciate you coming on and sharing that yeah and i want to share because i someone a woman listening to this now and also i do where my mom's at as a service to women because there's so much i think the culture is still kind of bullshit about it uh about motherhood and uh it's it's complicated it's sticky and it's also a long game you know just because you're a good parent for the first five years you might be shit for the next 25 you know what i mean no no not you but i mean a person like people are like i'm a good parent like yeah well talk to me when your kid's 40 you know what i mean let's take let's take the fucking you

know you could be an all-star the first three years of your career. You might suck the rest of it. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean you were. Yeah. Parenting is a long game. And the other thing that's tough, too, is the sacrifices that you make. And, you know, it doesn't pay dividends until sometimes they're a parent. You know, you might not get that back till you're 30 when they finally go, how the fuck did you do all that?

You know what I mean? You were great. You did da-da-da-da-da-da. And you're like when they finally go how the fuck did you do you know what i mean you were great you did and you're like yeah finally god damn you but my goal is to live long enough to hear that yeah yeah i don't want to be checking out or no that's the that's and that's a weird thing that happens when you become a parent is your i've always been very existential and very in tune with my mortality as a former goth but now even more so than ever it's like i really i want to be here i want to have grandkids yeah i have i never thought i'd say i mean i don't mind if my daughter has kids in her 20s i mean i waited too long you know i mean i don't want to be a 90 year old grandfather because i don't think i'm gonna be around you know i'm saying i know i kind of want my kids to do that 47 and she's about to be around. You know what I'm saying? I know. I kind of want my kids to do that too. 47 and she's about to be six.

So what? 12, 47. Yeah, I'm going to be 60 or something when she graduates. And people are like, oh, your grandfather came. I'm like, fuck yourself, you little motherfucker. I know. Because it is a great journey. It's just for me, it was really complicated and really sticky yeah i'm like fuck

i wish i just had an easier beginning to my journey of motherhood but i didn't and but look at you now i mean you're radiant now i like it you've got jewelry on you're wearing brooches and shit look at you girl walking you look like you're walking all sunshine. A brooch. I put a brooch on there. Is that one of your moms? No. Susan got all the brooches. Give her the brooch collection. Come on. Fuck a brooch. You can have the brooch. I gave her the lesser shit.

You may not have a brooch, you fucking bitch. Here's some tarnish bracelets. Oh, fucking Susan, man. That's a crazy thing to ask. Can I watch? No, no, no. Here's another story. Oh, good. That's a crazy thing to ask. Can I watch? No, no, no. Here's another story. Oh, good.

You're going to die. My dad may not have been faithful to her. Isn't that weird? Yeah. So it's time for Ellis to be baptized. He's about six months old. And I tell my dad like a month in advance, I'm like, I'm going to baptize the kid at this time and day at this church.

Be there. I got to go to the Philippines thatines that day i'm like um what why are you going to the philippines i got a girlfriend some some nice girls i talking to i'm like um okay well your grandson's baptism like i'm not rescheduling a baptism so you can get laid in the third world country. Like, what part of that? So he's upset. He's offended that I'm not rescheduling because of his. He's offended? Yeah. So he's upset about that.

And then. And then. Oh, oh, and here's the best part. So he chooses to go to the Philippines over coming to. He did? Oh, he was coming. Just not to the baptism, you. Just not to the baptism. So he chose to go to the Philippines rather than delay the trip by a week or so.

Or a day. Or a day. Baptism takes a couple hours. You get the red eye out there. But Ryan, changing tickets is expensive. What's $50 when you can see your kid's baptism? So anyway, he chooses not to show up, which I'm upset about. Let's be honest.

That's pretty horrifying. My one living parent is now kind of. Took two weeks to come back from vacation to help you clean your mom's place out and now ducks out on the kids back to his grandson's back. Does he have any other grandkids? No, he does. He does now. Well, now he does.

Back then. That was his only grandson. Yeah. Aren't you his only child? Yeah. His only child has his only grandson, and he's going to the Philippines to get laid. Yeah. So here's the best part.

He's still with Susan and is not really telling her what's going on. How do you just get out to the philippines without telling somebody i have no that's that's a master class he needs to teach he should teach that on like pamping yeah just pamping because i don't know how this guy does it he's done it for decades um so but he says to me okay i'm not coming to this baptism because I'm going to the Philippines, but Susan's going to come instead. And I go, what? I go, no, she's not. The invitation is for you.

And if you show up, you may bring a guest, whoever you want. I don't care. But the invitation is not to this person who won't be in my life in another month or two. And she was very upset. Susan got upset. in another month or two and she was very upset she was upset why does she want to be involved so badly i don't even get your dad doesn't your father doesn't want to be involved but susan's upset is this because of the bags or is this because i wanted to watch you breastfeed for the first time you're like why are you excluding me from the baptism of your child? Susan's unrealistic.

I mean, I couldn't. And again, she's a lovely person. I have nothing against her personally. But I'm like, you know, and how do I explain to her? How relieved would you be if you said, hey, we don't have to go to that baptism. I'd be like, thank fuck. I know. But Susan wants to roll through, you know.

I know. I want to show you my new bag. Yeah. But I mean, again, like, and how do I explain to her? Because she's quite, she's a fine, lovely lady. Like, how do I explain to you? Like, sweetie, you're not coming because you're one of many. Like, you can't really tell that to somebody.

So I think she got offended, obviously, because she's not really tuned into what what is going on and um and i convey that to my dad and that that is one of the breakdowns and he and my relationship was me putting up this boundary of like no your girlfriend can't come to my son's baptism he's like wait you're telling me my girl well i'm over here fucking living in another country you tell me my girlfriend's not good enough for you so crazy so crazy so crazy yeah you want to hear another one i'll tell you one more this is why and don't you tell it because i know i gotta go soon i know so um dr drew is always trying to get me to reconcile with my dad but there are like so many stories and i'm like so my very first mother's day rolls around around Ellis is six months old and my dad

I just can't wait to hear oh it's fantastic and Tom is on the road working and it's my first Mother's Day it's a Sunday obviously and my dad goes I'm going to come over and I'm thinking like oh wow how special like he's gonna it's gonna be really special it's my the grandfather my son and me like great okay so um ding dong who shows up uh of course susan susan uh with him and and two drunk irish lesbians that he befriended somewhere. On the way? I don't know. No.

Come on. Like at the Ralphs down the street? I don't know. Come on, you guys got to watch my daughter breastfeed. Come on. Susan goes first. No, it was like they were friends or they met on some other trip or something. And I'm like like and they were all

loaded and it was like 11 a.m on a sunday and here i am with my baby and i'm like on your first mother's day ever yeah your husband's out of town yeah and he brings over these drunk strangers in my living room and i'm like okay bye i just say like i'll see you later and i go upstairs with my son and i close the door and i just hang out with my kid and i just let them fuck around i'm like this is so crazy you're just up letting them do whatever down there see you later i just ignore him because i'm like this is insanity and then they leave and that was you know i invited some friends over and it was a better day but i'm like what so people are like why don't you talk to your dad he's just like a

nice guy i'm like and he was i think he really was but i think my eyes have been opened on boundaries and stuff because i think in the past i would have been like yeah bring susan to the baptism it's fine and then like secretly hate it right um i can't do that anymore because i have kids to protect now, and I don't want them around drunk Irish people, strangers, and madness that I went through. Part of it is you protect. Right, exactly.

And guess what? You're not going to have to see it. Try to break the cycle. We don't need to do this shit again. Yeah. I lived it once. Right. Let's not do it again.

I'll tell them about it. Yeah. They can listen to all my podcasts. Or not. Yeah. Right. Never has to know. Mom's got notes and notes in that journal over there about the shit I've done.

Yeah, anyway. Well, you know I love you. I love you, too. You look awesome. Thank you. And I'm so glad to see you in colors. Thank you. It's exciting.

You look good. You look great, too, and I like your long hair. Thank you. I appreciate it. I hope you keep it because you're very lucky. I'm going to keep a little bit of it. Yeah. I don't want it to go as long as it was.

It looks great. You look great. It's nice of you. I appreciate it, trying to get through this like everybody else would you please promote whatever you'd like oh i have no live dates uh because of the pandemic christina p online where my mom's at your mom's house um you know whatever my life i don't know great i love you i love you too my favorite um please go subscribe to my youtube channel there'll be a link right at the end of this episode you can click on there will

also be a link in the written description youtube.com slash r sickler and we'll talk to y'all next week I'll see you next time.