The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Christina Pazsitzky - All Hail Queen Jeans

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is The Queen of Jeans, Christina Pazsitzky! Christina and I trade traumatic moments, lines and experiences from our past. I’m talking about the ugly stuff that really sticks with ya! SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: UPSTART Find out how UPSTART can lower your monthly payments today when you go to UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW RITUAL Get key nutrients-without the B.S. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off During your first 3 months. Visit RITUAL.COM/HONEYDEW to start your ritual today. ME UNDIES To get 15% off your first order and free shipping go to: MEUNDIES.COM/HONEYDEW

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Ritual, Upstart, and MeUndies. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all the social medias. Please make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel. The community there is growing and growing.

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If you or someone you know has that story that has to be heard, please submit your email to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com, and hopefully we get to do a story for you. And if you do sign up for a year, you'll save on over a month of free episodes. So there's that. You know I record here every week at Santa Monica Music Center, so if you or someone you know needs music lessons, musical instruments, this is the spot. They do offer online lessons.

If you go to santamonicamusic.com, use the code HONEYDOO, they'll waive the registration fee fee and they'll give you a free lesson when you sign up for a package. Alright, that's the biz. Now, you know what we do over here every week? We highlight the lowlights. We like to shine a little light on that darkness and laugh at it. Hard.

Alright? So, this week's guest is no stranger to the do. The main mommy, y'all. Please welcome Christina P. Back to the honeybee, y'all. Thank you for having me. Come on. Get out of here with the thank you for having me.

Thank you for doing it. But I must correct you. Your grammar was incorrect. What did I say? You said subscribe to Patreon. I think it's prescribe. Prescribe. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I try to get Pacific and I fuck my words up, you know? By the way, I know we record a little early, but this Sunday, I want to say happy Valentine's Day. That's this Sunday. I hope you and Tom, you're ready for Valentine's. We love Valentine's. We get each other cards.

We write each other poetry. Can you even – I hate it so much, that holiday. Do you do anything? I just do it for my daughter because she likes it. But it's bullshit. You know what I mean? It's bullshit. Yes, of course.

I make – my daughter, one of her favorite things is paschetti. So I make her – because she likes it, but it's bullshit. You know what I mean? It's bullshit. Yes, of course. My daughter, one of her favorite things is paschetti, so I make her Valentine's paschetti. Yeah. Back in the day, we would go to the library when that was open, but you can't even do that now. No, and it was a blessing in the skies to be able to weigh up there. God, there was another one I wrote down just for you.

You know, for a while I had a... Let's just do these for a minute because my brother called me with one one time, and he said he was at the grocery store in Baltimore, and the checker lady's checking this guy out. This homeless dude comes in every day. Every day. He steals Hot Pockets. It's his thing. It's his thing.

And every day they bust them, and they take them back to the fucking freezer section. And one day the lady just looks at my brother and she goes he can't help it he's he's artistic and my brother started laying he called me but he's getting out a lot i go well if he's artistic he'd have been stealing crayons all right i don't know what autistic has to do with the fucking the hot finger and hot pockets but get the fuck out of here. Artistic. Oh, my favorite, too, is the car or to wash something. All right. You got to wash it. I used to say it all the time. No, you didn't.

No, I did. That's a Baltimore thing? I won't say it's a Baltimore thing, but it does seem to be a mid-Atlantic thing. I can listen to people because I used to say this is exactly how it happens. The same way I realized wrestling was fake. Uh-oh. All right? When my dad one time said to me, hey, you think this is real?

And I'm like, yeah, it's everything. He was like, yeah, I mean, the hits, you know, all that shit. And he goes, if you and I are wrestling and I throw you against the ropes, what would you do? I go, well, you know what I'd do? I'd grab the fucking ropes. I wouldn't bounce off that shit for you to hit me. He goes, yeah. I think you're the first person ever thinking that shit right there.

And I was like, oh, fuck. And that's when it really dawned on me. Like, oh, yeah. Why would you just wildly bounce off some ropes to get a boot? Yeah, it's so dumb. And was that a life-changing moment? I wouldn't say it was a life-changing moment, but it's a moment I i realized like you don't know everything you're yeah you're nine you know what i mean like get off your little high ass horse yeah and fucking

shut up and learn a little bit maybe we should pay attention to adults even though i still didn't take my own advice i fucked up enough yeah it's funny you say that because but there are like pivotal moments in your young life that change like like they shift. I remember the first time I understood a dirty joke. Like my dad had those truly tasteless joke books in the toilet and I would memorize them and just spit them out not knowing. And then like one day I remember it like being like 10 or 11 and being like, oh, that's what a Jewish joke is? Like, oh, that's what a baby joke. Those books wouldn't even be printed today. They would not even be printed today.

No. They'd be like, what the fuck? Uh-uh, no. Helen Keller jokes. Helen Keller, that's right. Or like a baby with no arms. Oh, what do you call a dog with no legs? Stay.

Cigarette. Cigarette. Yeah, he had a dog named Cigarette, and every day he'd take him out for a drag that's from truly tasteless uh oh like why why did the jews wander in the desert for four years somebody dropped a quarter yeah but those are good jokes the structure writing is solid okay the the setup punch the left turn is it It's good. Quality shit. The content today, even back then, maybe not so much. Yeah. But all right.

So real quick. Sure. Let's get back to Pacifics. Pacificly. Please promote anything you'd like. You've got some shows coming up this weekend. Yeah. Weekend after Valentine's.

After Valentine's because it's so important to Tom and I. We like to take the whole weekend down and just gaze into each other's eyes. I'm sorry, February. Right, February. Nobody says it that way. They should. February. Could you imagine being a silent R?

You know what I mean? That's your whole purpose is to be a silent R? What? Is it really silent? Are you supposed to say February? We're all probably trash saying it incorrectly, but it is spelled February. You're supposed to hit it like lightly. You know what I mean?

Just like bounce off of it. February. February. Yeah. February. But you say it like that. February 25th through 27th. You talk all funny too.

I don't know what you mean. Who talks funnier, you or me though? I wonder. You. I say shit wrong constantly. Do you know that I said combative wrong for like 43 years? How did you say it? Combative?

Yeah. Okay, I do that with – Such a fucking idiot. I do that with – oh, God. What's the – see, this is my – what do I do that with? Limited. Limited. I throw an extra – I can't say – I have to slow down to say limited.

Limited. So say your word again. Combative. But you used to say limited. Limited. So say your word again. Combative. But you used to say combative. Yeah, because my parents are foreigners, and that's how they said it, and that's how I learned to speak. I'm just from trash, so I don't have the part. I'm limited. Limited.

I used to say radiator. Growing up, we called it a radiator instead of a radiator. A radiator. Oh, and we forgot wash. Oh, wash. Plug your thing, and we forgot wash. Oh, wash. Plug your thing because I said wash. 25th through 27th, February at the Houston Improv, Pouston Improv. Pouston, yeah.

Houston. How come it's Houston in New York and Houston everywhere else? It's rodeo, but it's rodeo. It doesn't make any sense. Money. Yeah, money. Fancy. I would say wash all the time.

Washer and dryer. Wash my clothes. Washington, money. Fancy. But I would say wash all the time. Washer and dryer. Wash my clothes. Washington, D.C. Washington State or Washington, like where our capital is. And everyone said it growing up. And I think, I don't know, I think I was out here in my late 20s. And somebody one day goes, what'd you say? And I said, wash.

And they're like, wash. Spell it. And I go, W-A-S-H. And they go, where's the R? And I went, what'd you say? And I said, Warsh. And they're like, Warsh. Spell it. And I go, W-A-S-H. And they go, where's the R? And I went, huh? And then I was like, where's the R? There's no R in there. Yeah.

And then it blows your mind. And I really worked on, I do no longer say Warsh. I have busted my ass not to say Warsh. I'm sure there's a million things I say incorrectly as an Angeleno. You know, because I do have the valley girl. Like, oh my god. I still have that. People hate that shit. Dude. I love it though. Bro. I grew up with it, yeah. Yeah, I kind of like it too, but

I don't know. I guess when I move to Texas, I'll see how stupid I sound to them. You'll get a bunch of y'alls down there. It won't be the dudes and the bros. It'll be the y'alls. Hey y'all. I'm practicing. And then they say bless her heart a lot. Instead of calling Karen a a cunt you'll be like well bless her heart which is a lot nicer because it's not what they're doing they're like you're just saying that person's an idiot yeah you say i said don't say woman is ugly you say a woman is homely homely

homely and i'm like but it hurts more yeah that's meaner than hurts more yeah but what was your word you said handsome handsome woman you don't hear people call women handsome nor do they call boys husky remember not anymore but they set up an apartment for it and fucking sears it was on the back wall husky all on the back wall you're like hey we're going back i'm not fat i'm husky i'm just getting snow clothes i need them in bigger sizes okay my mom don't want to buy them every year all right husky was like late 70s 80s right you were husky so this is what i wanted to do today i've've never done this before, but I had this idea, and I thought I'd like to sit and talk to you and share trauma that, like, I'm going to give an example just so we know what we're

doing here. Are we doing a lightning round? Are we matching? We don't have to at all. I'm just curious. There are certain moments, certain sentences, certain things that were said in my childhood. People come up to me and say, well, one time you said this to me. I'm like, I don't remember saying that at all.

So I don't know that any of these people even remember or even know I heard, but it affected me in a way. So I wanted to go just back and forth with you on some trauma moments that have shaped our bullshit. And this pad is, if you're thinking of them as we go please feel free to write it down let's go i um so i recently had um when i first lived in a house in maryland we lived across the street from this kid named sean flander he and i are still friends but at first we were not friends he would come over and play and he was a year older.

And back then a year older is a lot stronger and he would beat the shit out of me. And I remember this time we're playing baseball in the yard. And I said, um, that was stupid. And he goes, say it to me again.

And I go, that was stupid. And that was stupid because Sean Flannery came over and beat the fuck out of me. And I remember going in and being like, and to my dad, couldn't breathe or whatever. He's like, Jesus Christ. So he goes out. He said, what are you guys doing out here?

He's like, don't. He basically was like, don't beat my kid up on my yard. That's basically like, you know, he's stepping out. Take him over to your house. I'm trying to watch the game, you know. So Sean would do this. And my dad told me, he he's like it'll stop when you make it stop you fight your brother all the time put some of that on him don't be so scared you

took his best give him some so i start fighting back and there was a day where and i've told this story i climbed up on top of my grandmother's buick and i jimmy snookered this motherfucker and you what the fuck out of jimmy superfly snooker that goes back to the wrestling sorry he's a murderer we found out years later you guys will love that it turns out he killed his an ex or something but decades later they found out but back then he was king of wrestling so damn you know i've told that story and it sounds very far-fetched and just a few days ago i get this text oh my god text is or excuse me this instant message is from his son hey sorry for bothering you but my dad sean flannery told me that you jumped off a van onto him and i think it's the funniest shit ever i just want to say

thank you for that story okay and i wrote back you're not bothering me at all man i'm glad i saw this your dad's fibbing a little bit it wasn't a van it was my grandma's buick i jimmy snuck at his ass and he wrote back like oh my god this is the greatest thank you so much so i look i i know bullying shouldn't happen it this we didn't have to worry about online bullying and all that back in the day but i've i firmly believe that a good old-fashioned punch in the fucking mouth from a stranger yeah that doesn't give a fuck about you is fantastic for you in the long run i really firmly believe it i could not agree more and i will tell you today this is going to sound horrible too thank you sean flannery thank you sean proud sponsor of the honey but a lot of these assholes out there that are making demands uh how do i put this these

karens yeah or just like we need a fucking chick on the other side to just punch those bitches in the fucking face it'll stop quick no no no this is what i'm talking about this anonymous twitter culture where you can say what you want and there are no repercussions. You can try and ruin somebody's livelihood. You can. People have. Yeah, for sure. Anonymously.

And these are people – this is a generation of people who have never had a Sean Flannery punch them in the fucking mouth for being out of line. That's right. And I've gotten my ass beat from being a loud mouth too. I did a story on Comedy Central. You can see it there. Rosina Johnson beat the shit out of me for telling her to shut the fuck up in the locker room. So I won't say it here. It's online.

But I learned really quickly to fight. Or don't say anything. That's the other thing. Don't say it, dipshit. Do you know how many times somebody after that said say that again do you know how many times i did none i'll bat at a thousand after that if somebody ever said say that shit to me one more time i was like shut the fuck up because i have sean flannery flashbacks like i don't need to say it again what's going to come up and unless i know i can take you

then i'll fucking be like i said you know then then you're like okay ryan thinks he's got this guy but if i'm like, come on, kids. I'm questioning it. How old were you with Sean Flannery? That shit was like second, third grade. It was early. So you learned fast. Very fast.

Yeah. So there was this boy in elementary. That's how Josh Potter says it. Elementary school. Sounds like he rode the short bus right past the elementary school but this motherfucker this kid eric was like skinny he was skinnier than me and they always say that when little boys like you they torture you at that age like in third grade i'm not so sure i think he was just an asshole and my parents are eastern blocky so like when i came home complaining that i was being

bullied the first thing they did was like, okay, we put you in karate class. You're going to fuck this guy up. And that was their response. Like now it's like, go to school and talk to the other teacher or whatever. Talk to the teacher. No, dude. So like I took karate and I remember when he would fuck with me. How long?

Not long. Bro, like one weekend. And I came back and I was like, what's up Eric, you motherfucker? Got my white belt, bitch! Like, I could do nothing. But all I knew was to kick him in his dick. That's what you do. You kick him in the nuts.

Eyes. Go for eyes. Yeah. Anything that hurts. Permanent. And he came and he would tease me. He called me Mrs. Pants because I wore pants a lot to school. I was a tomboy. Did he not know you were Mrs. Motherfucking Je. Pants because I wore pants a lot to school.

I was a tomboy. Did he not know you were Mrs. Motherfucking Jeans? I know I'm not in the jeans. What? Was he psychic? How about he planted a seed? He planted a seed, a pant seed that you grew into jeans. I did grow into jeans. How about it?

But I guess because I was like not a girly girl. I was more of a tomboy. So he was like fucking with me. And then I just kicked him right in his dick one day. And that shit stopped completely. Yeah. Right? And that's the end of it.

That's it. It's over. Isn't that wild? Just standing up for yourself. Even not doing a great job of it. Like even when Rosina would fuck with me, just the fact that I tried to hit her back put a stop to the whole thing. Yes. Just try.

That's what most of them want is an easy target, someone that's not going to fight back. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't think of it. That's what they want. Yeah. Yeah.

Because that's what they are, wherever they're getting that in their life. Oh, right. Whether it's their dad or their stepdad or their older brother or an uncle or even their mom beating the shit out of them, they can't defend themselves. So they want that so they can take that shit. That's my belief at least. That's so sad. That's so that's what the bully is yeah god that's so sad i never thought of it that way um all right here's another one that i heard one night that really rocked me yeah this is when my new like this is probably fifth grade our parents have

told us now that they're separating they had had problems since third grade when my mom cheated on my dad, and then it just got rocky from there. And then we're now about to move out of the best house ever. It's the beginning of the end of your life, yeah. And I'm sorry, we already have moved and we're into the new house. This is sixth grade, sixth grade. But they're still arguing. They had just split and got back together.

And I remember hearing my dad yell, you haven't had sex with me in six months. And I was like, oh man. And listen, I don't even think I had lost my virginity at that point, but I was masturbating and I just thought six months and I don't ever get to, nah, fuck that. I'm like, get it dad. I don't even know what it was you know and i just but that stuck with me that has stuck with me and i i think a positive way to not be a selfish lover to make sure someone understands that yeah i i'll hold your hand and support the fuck out of you and we're out here doing this pta cupcakes all that but this is still a necessity back here too and i take that very seriously like

you know dr drew out there banging nightly i don't know yeah whatever i mean okay yeah every night they do i know yeah yeah my mother was very too open with me about her sex life both my parents were way too open in what way? They would just bringing it around you and talking to you about it or just shoving it in your face? Well, okay. So in my dad's house, he's like the,

you know, slinging dick. Like he's just the LaFlorio of the San Fernando Valley. It's like I was at nightclubs with him on the school night, bro. Like I would,

like he just partied, you know? So he wouldn't get me a babysitter how old are we talking this is nine years old nine and you're in san fernando valley nightclubs in the 80s when cocaine was fucking everywhere yeah canoga park we used to go to beef and barrel it was called the beef and barrel beef and barrel it was right next to the summer house or the velvet turtle, I believe. I don't know any of those places.

I know Canoga Park. Yeah, no longer here, but it's near the Topanga Mall now. And the Beef and Barrel, because his friend DJed there, this other Hungarian guy, and we would go, and I would dance with sailors, like sailors. I'm talking men in uniforms, and that Moany Moany song would come on. Here she come now. And then there's a chorus that sailors sing they go hey motherfucker get laid get fucked yeah and i would here i am like doing that like chiming in and i'm like this is the best time ever yeah like hey motherfucker get laid get fucked coloring at school the next day humming that to yourself yeah and like white lines i was like dude a song about coloring this is dope like i didn't even

i was so young you know um so that was my dad and like it was just women always women there was like women from africa women from asia women from women, women with drug dealer ex-husbands who were after them. And it was constant. I remember one time this African woman, she was so beautiful. She was naked in our pool and she was doing like backwards somersaults in the pool. And I remember seeing her vag like pop up out of the water like just – See, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, you remember.

And you're like that lady today has no idea you ever saw her vag or anything but you saw it and it stuck with you why what did that do to you because i never shocking yeah because i never seen like like a vag in the air like that that was your first time seeing a vagina other than your own no i saw my mother's but my mother's was like a fire crotch. And my mother was very vaginal-centric too. She always had a big douchebag under her sink. Under the sink? It was so gross.

And she was always telling me, men don't like woman with stinky pussy. And she was so forward. That is so... I can't imagine saying that to my daughter. What? I can't imagine saying that to my daughter. Well. I can't imagine. Yeah.

But that stuck with me. And then. I'm sure. Yeah. That's the kind of shit that will cause insecurity like a motherfucker forever. Forever. Like, oh, my God, is my pussy stinking? Yeah.

Oh, my God. My mom said. My mom said. Oh, my God. Everywhere you go. Yeah. To the doctor. Yeah.

So I'm hypervigilant. vigilant i'm like in my fucking vagina okay is this stinky um and she would tell me about men like you know christica man oh oh this was her favorite too like marriage is a business arrangement there is no love in marriage you only marry rich men you can love a poor man no you love a rich rich men. You can love a poor man. No, you love a rich man as much as you love a poor man. And I think that's deliberately why I married a broke-ass comic. Because I'm married for love. And thank God things turned out well for us.

But now I've rejected that. If you'd have married for money, it wouldn't have worked out well for you. You'd be miserable, all that bullshit. Yeah, I don't know. Your intentions can't be good. If you're leading with that, that's not the best thing to lead with. But that stuck with me. But the women's –

Listen, I'm with clean the pussy, but you know. Marry for love. My mom was right. Clean your pussy, but marry for love. Yeah, men don't like women. Nobody likes a dirty pussy. Women don't like a dirty pussy. It's not like there's women out there like, I don't eat that shit.

I mean there are. And then like my dad would do odd things. He drank a lot and this is an odd one too. So he had a forklift business and he would trade goods sometimes for forklift services. And one time this chapstick company gave him a box of chapstick. lift services and one time this chapstick company gave him a box of chapstick and my dad methodically just on his dresser took every single one of them and put them out so there were like i don't know like a hundred chapstick just on the i know i'm like are you sitting out just sitting out lined up and that's another one where you're like oh gosh that just that's

such an odd thing to do but fun that was a little fun one and then his dad he had a naked lady rubik's cube yeah did your dad ever have one of those under the bar like under the bar there's like a naked and you'd have to put the naked ladies together that kind of shit where you're like is that what it is to be a woman like I remember one time I was at my aunt's house. We're in the city and she had this little home. And in the back of the house is this little row home. It's just basically a tunnel, you know. And in the back, there's a little kitchen window that looks out into the alley.

And on that kitchen window was this little plastic monk. And I didn't know what the fuck it was. And you can see its neck. So I hit the head and this dick flies out of the fucking road I'm like what the fuck I'm like 10 so my cousin Jennifer who's a couple years younger than me

and she's like what and I hit the thing and the dick flies out our fucking uncle sees it and starts yelling he's like what are you doing showing a young girl that kind of thing I go you got it on the windowsill my dad came in and was like yeah you got it on the way i'm like it's on the windowsill bro like i'm hitting the thing i didn't know a dick was gonna come out of the road i did the second time but i did the first time but wasn't that fun to find those like forbidden treasures when you

were a kid did you know anyone that had the ceramic titty cup? Oh, yeah. I know a lot of people that had the ceramic titty cup. And I'm like, do you really drink out of that? Like, it's just for show. I feel like my dad's friends, because he had, like, these old Hungarian, like, you know, it's a funny joke, it's a titty cup. Like, they would think that was really, really funny.

Yeah. Gross shit like that but to now as a as a parent you're like that's not good to have around i couldn't imagine having a titty cup out around the house right now you know no no there's so many cuss words and songs like i don't even bother anymore i just tell stella look they're adult words yeah you're smart enough you don't ever say them around other adults or in school. Don't get in trouble with it. We don't have a problem. That's it. What am I going to do?

This is the real world. You're not allowed to say that shit. Yeah, I tell Ellis. I'm like, they're not bad words. They're just not good words to use in public. You'll get in trouble. Yeah, as a kid. When you're 16, you can cuss all the fuck you want.

So fight, sex. There's a lot of sex. Do you remember the first time you stood up to your parents oh my god i mean i just hated them so much from so early well yeah i mean i always say like you mean as a teenager anytime it's different with me because there was a lot, there was repercussions. Like if I told my mom I hated her,

she would kick me out. So you had to watch what you said. Yeah, so I had to be, and then I turned like 12, 13 and I just fucking would let loose screaming all the time. I hated them. Like I couldn't wait to get out,

you know. But a particular i just feel like it was constant with me i've hated them since i can remember like i hated being there i hated like why you got one no i i did too but yeah i finally had my blew my stack and i fought back physically fought back against my mom. No shit. Yeah. I couldn't take it anymore. I just, you know,

every day of it, you just finally, you can't take it. So we're in seventh grade. Um, actually I think we're in ninth grade and our, that was two times. I'm sorry.

The first time was seventh grade where we're at home. We've got the Coleco vision on my, my neighbor, my buddy, still good friends with him. We're at home. We've got the ColecoVision on. My neighbor, my buddy, still good friends with him, Chris Lamb, is over. And he's sitting there, and my mom's just yelling at me and yelling at me. It was the kind of thing like if you just put your shoes on, it's just riding you about everything. And you're a piece of shit, just a loser. And I'm just like, oh. And she starts shoving me around, and she hits me.

And I stand up, and I just shove her, oh, you know, and she starts, you know, shoving me around and she hits me and I stand up and I just shove her to shove her off me. Well, what I didn't know is that the ottoman was right behind me. And my mother's dead. And I gave her a good i saw her lose her balance and go back i just i couldn't even enjoy it i was like what if she got paralyzed yes i'm saying anything could happen and the tower toppled and down she goes and i'm like oh my god and my friend Chris is sitting there, and he's just like, oh, my God. My friend just pushed his mom over. He gets the fuck out.

She calls my dad, and it's just a shitstorm. And then in ninth grade, one time we're driving home. But she wasn't hurt. No, her pride was hurt. But I'll tell you, here's the thing that happened. My mom used to do shit like – and I'm telling you, this is – we used to have this mug, a plastic little mug. And it was a Christmas mug originally, and it was a plastic mug like back in the day. And it had a little – it was a Santa Claus.

It had a little – a red lid on it like his hat. It would go up to a point and it had a straw on it. Okay, but the lid was long gone. So we would just use the cup. I'd drink my Kool-aid out of or whatever and i would leave it in the sink and she would get tired of us leaving cups in the sink yeah and one day she just doesn't say anything and i'm sitting there and this cup comes flying by my fucking head and i'm like whoa but i'm playing little league now i'm getting bigger and stronger

and i picked that cup up and purposely i miss her but i throw it and shatter it against these fucking cabinets and i went yeah playing baseball now and that was the end of the cup throwing that was the end of fucking with me for a while ninth grade um we're driving home and i'm sure at this point now i'm not the you know I'm not the nicest to her anymore. I'm now 14 years of abuse or 10 years of it. Like, fuck you. I'm not going to be nice to you. So she's saying something about not making us dinner and she's going to go exercise.

And I'm like, yeah, because you're a caribou. And I start calling her a caribou. And I'm making this noise that I don't even know if caribous make. I don't even know if they do that. Why did you pick a caribou that I don't even know if caribous make. I'm like, I don't even know if they do that. Why did you pick a caribou? I don't know because I thought in the comedy world the C is funnier. It is. Yeah.

But a caribou is so specific. Very specific. That's the other thing about comedy. You should be specific. It's left no fucking question about what I thought you were. Size, everything. So we get home and we're walking in the house, and she turns around, and she closed fist punches me in my face, right?

So I take her keys, and it's winter. Snow's all over the ground. I snap this fucking key chain, and I just throw those keys everywhere. They drop in the snow. I'm like, good luck finding those, motherfucker. So I go in, and I'm playing video games with my brother she's out there for a good 45 minutes looking for her keys or whatever and then my dad calls the next day and he's like hey can i talk to you about something i was like yeah and he goes did you call your mother a caribou i go yeah i did he goes listen do not tell her i'm telling you this. But she didn't know what one was and called me to ask me what it was.

And I was like, she punched me in my fucking face. Yeah, that's an important detail. It could have been something that wasn't so bad. I mean, it was. Punched me in my fucking face. He's like, yeah, man, we got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah, your dad said that? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. My mother was physically shitty, but she would dig her nails into my arm when I was a little kid, like that kind of stuff. And she used to chase me with a wooden spoon, which is a very old school Euro thing. And I remember, I don't know, I fucking pissed her off. I was a little kid. And we had this stupid coffee table, you know, like a long, narrow. And I remember, it i i was running around it trying to get away from her so she couldn't hit me and then i jumped over it and

she put her leg over it too and she got stuck with her legs like that i was like yeah you That was so – Clean your pussy while you're there. Yeah. Yeah, you fucking bitch. You fucking bitch. So that was like cool. I mean like my dad, one time I came home all spun out on drugs and he backhanded me. That one was kind of like – He actually hit you. Is that the first time?

No. No, but my – no. That's what I'm saying about fight back. Did you ever that the first time? No. No, but my – no. That's what I'm saying about fight back. Did you ever raise a hand back in defense of the physical abuse? No. I put like a book in my pants because I saw it in a cartoon one time when he came to spank me. In your ass like he couldn't see it? Yeah, like I put a book there and then of course he felt it and took the book out, you know.

But I wasn't – I was more like mind games. Like with my mom, it was more about mind games, like finding ways to make her feel like shit felt better. Like I wouldn't correct her English a lot. I let her say shit wrong all the time, like alufoilia and all that. I'd be like, yeah, it's fucking alufoilia for aluminum foil. Yeah, yeah.

Like one guy, she was dating. She dated this chiropractor one time she was all proud because he had money and he would jog in those like fucking gay ass jogging shorts you know i'm talking about like from the 80s like those dolphin fucking yeah super gay right and he would like fucking jog and i'm like we're eastern blockers you're like we don't jog like we run from shit yeah we don't jog you're jogging bro and like this guy would jog and then and then i remember he um we finish a meal and he'd open a can of mother and she was gonna marry this guy and i go i go you lay that guy that's what i said and i remember like the it just a shame washed over her and i was like i got you you fucking bitch like I was like 12 and I kind of was learning

and then she didn't marry him she married a criminal after that but it was good I got her there I know I shamed her and you never had okay so your mom and dad both rolled through a lot of partners yeah were you prior to Tom were you a relationship girl or did you date a bunch relationship girl I was too afraid to even fuck with like dating. I couldn't. I was too traumatized and I'd seen it too much with my parents to – So you thought if you found one, then I better hold on because it's a fucking crazy world out there. Yeah, I didn't have the emotional resilience to go through the rejection of dating.

I think it's very heartbreaking, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Like the constant, like, I had sex with this person and now they're not calling me. Like, I cannot. I have a kid with this person. Wait, were you promiscuous as a result of your – Yeah. I mean, I'm sure as a result of a bunch of things, but for sure I was promiscuous. But also, look, I didn't get love

at all from my mom, so I looked for it in every form possible, whether it was my grandma loving me or a friend's mom being motherly or girls I was dating having sex or even just dating a bunch. Whatever it was, I was always looking for a woman's approval or acceptance is a better word. Not approval but acceptance for sure. That's huge. Yeah. Well, I was blessed in that like I had a wonderful boyfriend in high school who was so sweet and nurturing. That was the good part about dating goth boys is that they were very in touch with their feelings and really sweet.

So I was really lucky. I wouldn't see a with their feelings and really sweet. So I was really lucky. I wouldn't see a goth guy and think sweet. I really don't think I would. They're like chicks. We've shared eyeliner and lipstick. They're sensitive. Boy, they listen to Morrissey.

So it was really a blessing in the skies that I hooked up with. It was an organic use of that. I know. It was beautiful. Yeah. And, you know, up until Tom, more or less, I dated, like, more alt-y guys. Tom is my first, like, alpha football sandwiches blowjob. Well, I go back to you with the Asian guy. The Asian guy.

He was my first normal. Sorry. He was more normal. That was the guy I remember before Tom. Yeah, sorry. That was a – I mean I feel like that was at least a couple years, right? A minute? Four years.

Four, okay. Yeah. I'm a serial monogamous. Yeah, you are. So that guy was actually my first normal. Sorry. Yeah, goth guys up until him. And that guy was amazing too.

Like super sweet, really nice guys. I was really blessed that way that I only had one or two turds in the boyfriend bunch. I don't know how I escaped that. I think I channeled my chaos into career more than private life. Stand-up is probably the worst job one can do for stability. No doubt, yes. Emotional, financial. All of it.

Physical. It's horrendous. So that where i i like that feeling that oh that delicious instability comes in the professional world stack all the odds and let's go i'm gonna go for that oh okay something's wrong with you yeah yeah and i didn't laugh all the way going well and i i was so fucked up i couldn't be in a regular nine to five setting i was getting fired all the time. I wasn't happy. I was a wildling, man. That's the only way.

Right? I mean, don't you agree? You're not. You're too fucked up, man. The world is. I mean, I did it for a long time only because I had to. But I, yeah, same thing. It was always some bullshit.

I was like, yeah, I'm not going to be doing this. Yeah, I'm not. But I was also that guy. I would go on a job interview. I remember going on this job interview. It was for SoapNet was like, yeah, I'm not going to be doing this. Yeah, I'm not. But I was also that guy. I would go on a job interview. I remember going on this job interview. It was for SoapNet. Oh, yeah, I remember that. This was forever ago.

And I had just come off a job that I just treated like shit, worked long hours, all that. And I go sit down for the interview, and the guy is like, and he's got this other resume on the table, and I know that guy. And I just think that's so unprofessional to have somebody else's shit out when you're coming in for your interview. It should be about you. You shouldn't know that this guy you know is also coming in too, unless I talk to him. Yes, it's not polite.

And he starts asking me about this guy, and I was like, well, I'm here to talk about me, just right away. Because I honestly didn't really care if I got this fucking job. And I go, look look i'll work hard i have no problem busting my ass for you but i'm not going to sit around from six to nine while you're at dinner wanting waiting for me to make your lower thirds two frames bigger and shit like that like i'm not i'm not your guy so if that's what you want then get somebody else because i heard he was like that. Like, I'll go to dinner with my family, and at 830, I'll get back to you and be like, okay, yeah, make that font one size bigger, and you guys can go. Like, fuck you.

So I got so sick of working for everybody else. It took me forever, but now I just work for me. So that's the biggest difference. And I've got, you know, all the time in the world to homeschool. So what a blessing in disguise. What a blessing in disguise. I know. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Ritual.

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Like, in, in, like, memorizing those joke books, the Truly Tasteless, that was formative like in in like memorizing those joke books that's really tasteless that was like that was you know again third grade when i lived with my dad and like that's that became who i was later and then going to nightclubs with my dad yeah that's clubs and then i'd let my dad had these great sunday parties where all the Hungarians would come over and then they'd get fucking ripped. They'd get ripped and just do, you know, smoke whatever and get high and tell jokes. And I was like, dude, that's where – like that's fucking cool. You know, these degenerate like guys, people missing finger knuckles, like these harder guys. What's that all about? Yeah. A guy's missing an arm or whatever. Yeah. guys people missing finger knuckles like these harder guys yeah yeah we used to hang out with

a guy that uh i didn't this is embarrassing but for years i had seen him at birthday parties and stuff but i was always little and i never paid him any mind but for years i've seen him and one day i'm older and we're playing uh we're at like a memorial day we all bunch of us got together for a picnic you know i'm probably in like late high school or whatever junior senior and we're playing uh we're at like a memorial day we all bunch of us got together for a picnic you know i'm probably in like late high school or whatever junior senior and we're playing ball at the park and i start looking on so i go to my brother i'm like he lost his arm my brother's like what are you talking about like this motherfucker's out there with a you he had a t-shirt on but you could see it this was clearly you know clearly fake and my brother was like he's always had that i'm like what are you talking about he's like he's always had that that's not new i go

for 10 years i haven't recognized a fake fucking arm he's like he's probably wearing a long sleeve but yeah it's always had that i'm like it's a small one i was so embarrassed like oh my god that's the best though like those weird things yeah things. When did you lose your hand, man? Yeah. Like 30 years ago? Oh, shit, man. Did you ask him? No, I almost did. But I said to my brother, like, what the fuck is missing a hand over here?

Yeah, grownups with afflictions or weird stuff when you were a kid, it's so scary to you. Well, I realize, you realize, like, my daughter will take stuff in and she'll say something to me. Like Stella will say, well, you said blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, fuck, which meant nothing to me and everything to her. That's why words are powerful. You got to be careful with shit. I know, but – But it's not your fault. Like I've said things to people and later they're like, you said that thing about not trying or whatever.

And I was like, I didn't. That's how I felt that day. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, because so many moments, they affect you and they're not even – they're throwaways. I always have – okay, so this is like a dark but kind of like a cool thing with my dad too. So he would like to drink and sit in the dark and listen to really loud music like jimmy hendrix so like you know imagine like canoga park deep in the valley and it's just my dad in the dark just drinking and it's like

and like you know when you're a kid you're like what in the fuck you know and i get up for like a glass of water and my dad is just like jamming out and and then as i got older and i started drinking or whatever and i'd come home like 16 or 17 like ripped and i would just sit down with him hi and like he didn't know that but maybe he did i don't fucking know and it was cool to like jam out with him the older i got like i'm sure that's really not healthy um it was like a because he was my dad is a very philosophical guy and that's where i get a lot of my mannerisms and the thinking part of me was like his ability to just fucking sit and think in the dark and listen to hendrix or whatever um i wish i i got to know my father as

a person yeah i knew my dad as a dad yeah you know my dad died too well he died too young i was 16 he was 42 like it would have been awesome to sit down now and go, you know, what the fuck were you doing before mom and shit? You know, what the fuck are you doing staying with two twins? You know, how are you doing this? How are you doing that? What is your take on this? What's your take on that? Like, who are you as a person?

What do you like in a woman? You know, what do you like about this? What do you like about that? I wish I had that opportunity to ask him those questions. Yeah. My dad told me all that, and I kind of wish I didn't know. You know? I love you, Christine.

You know, because I remember the last time he and I went on vacation, we went to Club Med, which was originally a French swingers club. I don't know if you know that. Anyway, now they let kids in. How old were you then? Oh, we started doing that when I was a little girl. Oh, this was a yearly swingers club. I don't know if you know that. Anyway, now they let kids in. How old were you then? Oh, we started doing that when I was a little girl. Oh, this was a yearly thing or whatever. Oh, I grew up every summer in Mexico practically going to these club meds.

And everybody's like French. And I'm running around the village with French kids. And my dad's getting ripped and you know banging shit whatever but uh so you know just like little shit like uh my dad is just like he'd be like the girl's good nice deets nice ass oh no that's what he said about my mother he was he goes your mother good looking shit nice deets nice ass i was like that's it gross dude you know she's not i thought she'd be a good mom yeah no it stopped at the top of the list yeah nice dudes nice ass and then just like my dad's revulsion at tom and my idea of a good time like tom and i are chill if we go on a vacation it's

to just a quiet hotel like my dad hates that he's like oh so fucking quiet fat people fat ugly american no party no dancing where is music it was still that way party party party yeah you know like it's weird to think that those are your parents like do you ever think about like your mother that's your mom dude and you were i mean we're both raised by crazy moms did you ever think of that like how was it that i was raised by that well it's funny because stella right now is asking me about this like i talk to her about my father all the time and i talk and she facetimes with my mom she'll facetime with her and um she'll ask me she's like like, well, when you were Derek's age, like her brother's age, will you blah, blah, blah. I'm like, well, your grandfather was dead and your grandmom was already gone.

And I try to move on. She's like, wait, what? Move on. Wait, what do you mean? She was going, I don't understand. I go, listen, I don't understand. It's okay not to understand. But so we're having these conversations right now.

all right it's okay not to understand but so we're having these conversations right now and she's six about you know she loves knowing about her family and her cousins and her uncles and how big it is and how many family how many cousins and uncles and aunts on her mom's side and on her dad's side and where they all live like she's so into that and facetiming with the ones that are closer in her age and stuff like that so um it's interesting she does ask good questions so yeah so how do you oh gosh how do you explain having so what the relationship you have now with your mother is like cordial i mean yeah yeah no it's good yeah yeah and but i'm i told her long before like i'm not gonna lie to stella plus it's all here at some point my daughter can listen to this shit i don't have to say a word, really, but I want her to know.

I do want, listen, I'm like you. I'm not raising my kid in this fucking super sensitive, you know, everyone has to get a trophy world. I'm not doing that. That's not the way the world fucking works, okay? Your little league might do that for you, but the universe is going to put its dick right in your fucking face. It doesn't give a fuck about your participation.

It's going to skull fuck you. I know. It doesn't give a fuck about your participation. Matter of fact, it's going to shove it up your ass while it skull fucks you. That's what's going to happen. You know what drives me mad? It makes me crazy right now that everybody is privileged in what

they do. This makeup company makeup companies now shine your uniqueness. You're beautiful. It's like, no, not everybody has the gift of beauty. Not everybody has the gift of intelligence, the gift of whatever the fuck. That's what makes it a fucking gift. Yeah. If everybody had it, nobody would be gifted. Nobody.

So why are we pumping this into everybody that you're special you're it's like you might be special in one fucking thing but also all the only person that needs to believe you're special is you is you yeah that's it yeah because no one else even knows who the fuck you are let alone whether you're good at that or not. They're like, who? Who? Who? No one cares. I'm raising her that way. I told her, like, look, here's the deal. Not every kid has parents.

Not every kid gets all these fucking toys. Not every kid gets all these things. So for us, it is if you want new clothes and it's time for new, you want new stuffed animals or whatever, you got to give. You got to give to get. So there are little boys and girls out there i said like me i when i was 16 i had no parents i was your brother's age so there are kids out there that could use some t-shirts they could use some pants they could use some stuffed animals to cheer them up because they don't have a mom or a dad so i'm not sugarcoating everyone lives the life you fucking live. You know what I mean? Although sometimes when it's the co-parenting back and forth,

she'll say like, can I go to mom's or can I go to dad's? And it's like, look, man, your brother goes back and forth between his mom and dad. You know, I was raised separated. Your friends are that way. I hate to tell you this, but it's kind of fucking normal you know more kids that are in split households than you do in you know married homes yeah of course and it becomes the norm is whatever you grow up with you don't know anything else my i didn't even realize my dad was an alcoholic until tom told me like i knew it

like three years ago yeah like uh i was like yeah he would drink a 12 or every night and tom was like that's that's not nor you know that's not normal but it was my dad yeah and for me and for me and you were drinking like that yeah i was hammered no no no oh my god i mean for me like to see that and watch you know he watches whatever, tennis, and he'd give me a little bit of beer, yeah, you know, to drink with him. But that's the norm. So it's wild. When you grew up seeing that, do you believe, like we talked about, for you, you like the nightclub. For me.

And the darkness. That's a big thing about comedy is I love the night. Yeah. I like the darkness. I like the darkness. I like the comfort of being in the complete dark. Like, you know what I really like to be? I love to be in that chair right next to the piano behind the stage in the main room of the comedy store where even if someone walks by you, they don't even see you. It's pitch black right there before I go on.

I know what you're talking about. I'm really comfortable in those spaces. I don't mind coming out into the light for 60 minutes. But after that, I'm like a roach. I want to go fucking back into my hole and not bother anybody and just get the fuck out of there. Yeah, I'm similar. Yeah. I like to hole up.

But it's funny. I just did my first show in a year in Dallas. And I had the weirdest reaction. I came out on stage and I wasn't nervous, which is weird. I was just laser focused like a fucking serial killer or whatever, like an assassin. I was focused. I came out and I just saw the darkness and the light and the nachos and the fat guy sitting with his fat friends and the girl with the tits out and the smells and the sounds and the drunks.

And I started crying. You cry? Yeah. Because you're so happy, overjoyed or what? That's the thing. I don't cry. I'm not sure yet. I haven't really gone over it with my shrink yet.

It was overwhelming. I think because I was so – I was content. I was like, this is that part of me that's been gone and this is the darkness in me that needs to be acknowledged. Otherwise, I would get really out of balance. The darkness that we carry from honey doing for the first 17 years, 18 years of your life, it's not that I'm completely cured from therapy. Or 40. Right. You carry these stories and they're a part of you.

No, they don't lead your life. Yeah. I don't think I'll ever be – I don't think there's a cure for what we went through. No. I think there's a way to – there's an understanding and there's a way to deal and then there's a way to move forward. That's what there is. That's not really a cure for what we went through. But I can totally understand what you mean because no matter what I've gone through, at my lowest,

even when I was splitting with Stella's mom and I was like, oh my God, I'm losing my kid half the time, like at my fucking lowest, on stage, whether it's a 15-minute set or an hour set none of it enters my head yeah none of it it's the only yeah pure place i even find myself from time to time in a podcast drifting into my own thought because of what someone else is saying and i'm like oh i've done that or oh i know what they're talking about. You don't have that interaction in stand-up. It's just you. And it's the only clean place where the only thoughts that are in my mind are what I want to discuss with these or share with these people.

Yeah, and the connection. Isn't that weird? Yeah, no. I have the similar – it's probably why I enjoy it. And the connection with people. Yeah. I miss that. I didn't realize connecting with strangers is that important. similar it's probably why i enjoy it and the connection with people yeah i missed that i didn't realize connecting with strangers is that important you didn't realize how social you were

until this all happened yeah yeah because you're pretty anti-social yeah tom and i both are like you guys get in and get out i mean i do the same thing too though i don't hang around too much like networking is a big part of this business is why i'm where i'm at but uh i just don't want to fucking do it talk to people like here you know where to find me you really want to talk to me if you got that kind of time i get it i'm right over here you know it's funny when you say that your mom was calling you a piece of shit and stuff like my mom my parents never just flat out were like you know you're a piece of shit. It was more like covert. Like, okay, like I remember one time I got straight A's on my report card in fourth grade and I got one B.

My mother spent an hour lecturing me on how that B could become an A- in no time. And that's a phrase too. This B here could become an A in no time. Well, if it takes no time to make it an A, bitch, right now. Bitch, I'll fucking do it right now. Yeah, and that kind of stuff where you're like, wait a minute, but what about those other A's? These become B's in no time. I know.

You know what I'm saying? It was so that kind of like, wow. And then you learn not to ask for help because you're like, it's not going to come. Do you remember when you realized that some adults are fucking stupid? Okay. And here's what I mean. I grew up as a child at first just thinking everyone older than me knew and was smarter than me because they were older than me. But at some point I would talk to some adults, probably middle school, and I'd be like,

oh my God, I'm smarter than you. How is that possible that I am smarter than you? I'm aware of it. Yeah. And you have three kids. Yeah. And I am smarter than your dad and I'm in eighth grade. Yeah, but grownups don't have their stuff together.

Yeah, not everyone has it together. Like when do you realize, when do you remember? Because I know Stella asked me some questions and I say, I don't know. She's like, I thought you knew everything. I'm like, yeah, I everyone has it together. When do you remember? Because I know Stella asked me some questions and I say, I don't know. She's like, I thought you knew everything. I'm like, yeah, I don't. That's what kids think. The parents know everything. I don't know everything. Let's look it up together. Let's learn. Oh, okay. All right. I tell Ellis the same thing that, hey, just because someone's older than you doesn't mean they have all the answers. Or any of them. No, they don't know. Oddly enough, I think the first time I realized adults were humans was when I was –

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I had this great PE teacher. I hated PE. Ninth grade, I stopped – I decided to stop going to school basically. I just decided to stop going. I didn't like it and I was in this public school. Did you graduate?

Well, yeah. So here's what happened. I didn't like the school. I was getting in fights and I was failing basically and I was like, I'm not going to go. I'm just going to stop going. So I just would pretend to walk to school and then go get high at my boyfriend's house or go to the mall or whatever. Eventually, I realized I wanted to go back to school and my mother was like, do you want to go to this nice private school? And that was a really good thing she had done.

Like thank god. She goes, but you need to have straight Ds at least. You got to – we can't get you in unless you're at least at a D level. So the one fail I had was PE because I just flat out was like, go fuck your mom. I'm goth. I did my makeup this morning. You think I'm going to fucking come to school?

Yeah, fuck you, dude. And I went to him. Turn these Fs into Ds in no time. Yeah, in no time. In no time. morning you think i'm gonna fucking come to school yeah fuck you dude and i went to him turn these f's into d's in no time yeah in no time in no time i was 14 years old and i went to this teacher he was the he had a mustache i remember that i never really talked to him that much and i started crying and i was like look this is my one chance to turn my life around like i was into drugs and i was fucking crazy that year and i'm like i think i want to change my life around. Like I was into drugs and I was fucking crazy that year. And I'm like, I think I want to change my life.

I want to graduate. I want to go to college. If you change my F to a D, you will help me change my life. And he stopped and he goes, drop and give me 50. I was smoking at the time. I'm like, I can do a 15 minute mile how about that yeah 20 minute mile and so i never forget this that he turned his back to me he kind of like put his head down like fuck and he thought about it and he's like okay and i was like whoa i didn't

realize the power of a asking and and that that was a human being. The teacher was a person that felt bad for me. But also for a child to open up like that and say, yo, I want to be better and do better. How many kids say that in high school? And to get that opportunity laid in your lap, I mean, I would have at least said walk four fucking laps around this gym and I'll do it.

But I wouldn't have just said yeah for nothing but i'd have been like you know can you can you turn in your gym uniform you know something i'd have made you do something i was can you keep score at the basketball game this weekend we're our scorekeeper but i was so far gone he could say he could see the decline i did the right thing yeah and he got and i got in the catholic school and i straightened my life out and i went on to have a productive life. But thank God. Thank God my mother had that inclination to put me in a nice Catholic school.

Like, hey, dude, the nuns will straighten you out. And they did. I liked it. I liked that structure. I liked their rules. It was like – that's what I needed, those boundaries, those – like someone giving a shit because at home it was like – I mean I know a lot of people do go to the military for that reason. Yeah.

They're just a wild child and they end up going there for structure and leadership, all the things you lack when you have no parents or parents like that for sure. Yeah, my mom was just preoccupied with her new husband and they weren't doing anything. You weren't a sports girl though, so you never really had coaches that were influential or anything like that. No. Stand-up. Stand-up was my sport. Stand-up was the thing that taught me resilience and keep trying and fuck your feelings.

Go back. Fuck your feelings. Yeah. You think that's funny? That is dog shit. Yeah. Oh, you think it's good? They'll tell you.

They'll tell you. They'll let you know. Fuck your feelings. Fuck your feelings. fuck your feelings fuck your feelings fuck your feelings and that what it takes to survive and to succeed is is that persistence i mean fuck you to get back up and do it again after you're bombing until you get good at it like man it's not riding a bike you know you need people to watch and laugh you need that that's a big it's wild so i didn't learn academia taught me some of that i studied philosophy i loved it and i that i fell in love with when i got to college from that what did you like about life

finally a subject that i was like this is it i. I need the meaning of life. What is this? And I just fell in love with just how hard it was. And there was no women doing it. There was like three other girls that were philosophy majors. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to fucking fuck you. I'm not stupid because everyone thought I was a dipshit because I failed out of ninth grade. And then I was like, I'll show you, mom, dad. And of course they didn't give a shit. Look now, though.

They still don't give a fuck but you use that yeah i know you use that yeah you have to use that philosophy yeah like this show also has been really you know in a way a great thing because i'm listening to other people and you go oh my god i don't have it so fucking bad maybe I don't have it so fucking bad you know and you're like but I wish you had it way worse than me but in my circle of people back then we were the we were the worst you know I mean if I could have just met other worsts back then I think it would have really fucking helped me out like no one could relate to having no parents there was only like one or two kids that had a a parent die but the other parent loved them and stayed there and was with them you know shit like that like i don't know a lot of

people that were raised or even helped raised by their grandpa a grandmom or when we grew up or anything like that so there was no one outside of my brothers to talk to about this shit even our other own cousins weren't you know this didn't happen to them so just no one but if you could meet a community of fucking honeydews yeah it's it which it changes your life to realize oh my god i am not only am i not alone like holy shit i could deal with my problems today yeah you know that sort of thing well especially a thing with my situation i was an only child my mom was a borderline my dad's an alcoholic and I was between those two households. So there's a lot of secrets. There was a lot of – I'm an alien. I must be an alien.

So many secrets. Something is wrong with me. And to learn as an adult like, oh, it's all them and other people deal with the same stuff. No one taught – you just don't have the vocabulary as a child to be like, hey, I think something is wrong at my house. But I was really fortunate that we had financial resources. Thank God my mom could like throw money at me and send me to a nice Catholic school. That's fucking – Shit, if she'd have married for love, Christine.

I know. She was – It'd be all fucked up. She did marry for money. I hope your children are okay. That second marriage was all money. That was the one? Oh, that second one.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So it's crazy. Wait. Can I talk about your mom though? It's like – so what – I know you still talk to her, so I don't want to – tell me to fuck off. So what – do we know what's going on?

Is she diagnosed with anything? I asked her straight up. I said, you know, I've been to countless therapists, and all these years I haven't wanted to give you an ounce of credit for anything. But the one thing I could say when every fucking person and therapist who had any interest in this asked was, did you do drugs or alcohol? And I said, I had to say no. And she's like, I didn't. I go, which makes it worse? I think at least, and I don't want to say it like that, but with an alcohol or drug or something,

you can point to this being sort of the catalyst of this problem. And, but none of that there. So there has to be some mental Yeah, there has to be. But you also have to go get that help and figure out what that is. Someone else can't do that for you. Well, because now as a parent, I think especially as a mother, as a mom, to not be there for your kids is so against the wiring, the primal wiring. Mother nature all the way.

Yeah. It is. So the wires have to be crossed. Yes. There's no way. Or disconnected. Yeah. Fuck all of them.

My mom's wires were funny. She would kick me out and go live with my dad for like a year. I'm like, what? Yeah. No. Crazy. You know, I just was telling Stella about that last night. I go, you know, she's like, when did you start talking to Grandma again?

I go, when you were born. I go, two years after you were born. You're the reason that all of this is happening. And I try to explain it to her. Like, I can't – I don't want to set her up for one thing and then when she's 10, she finds out all this other shit. Like, I'm being honest with you up front and how i deal with it now we talk and sometimes after two minutes she's like dad play justin bieber you know she's done she don't give a fuck she's done you know she's like i heard enough of this bullshit then she'll ask a little more later and she pieces it all together and i know she remembers because she'll say well you said this and this i'm like damn i did say that

so it's pretty interesting. I, um, like in no way do I want her to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I want her to understand that you got it fucking good kid. You got it good. You have two parents who love the shit out of you. You have two grandmothers who love the shit out of you. Everyone loves you.

You know, if God forbid something happened, you'd be taken care of, you know, all that. She's got it good. Yeah. Thank God.

And she'll never appreciate that until she's older because you can't at that age. You don't even know what that is. But, you know, it fuels me to be a better person, you know. Of course. Fuck parents. Right. Like, I'm already a parent. That's the easy.

That's just given to you. You know, I'm just trying to be a better person and more tolerant, like patient. I'm trying to be patient. I'm not always patient with the, you know, bugging the shit out of me about stuff. Try to teach you about, you know, accountability. We're on time. If we say we're going to do something, we do it.

We keep our word. You said you promised you got to do it. Don't fucking pinky swear, hair swear hair swear me that's from trolls and then not do it and then not do it don't hair swear me and not do it yeah no fucking way yeah but then we're going to help other people we're here to help other people yes you know that sort of thing so she'll i'll go in a room and she'll have a whole pile of like shit and she'll be like i want to donate this i'm like that's what i'm talking about but then i get rid of it because she'll the room and she'll have a whole pile of shit. She'll be like, I want to donate this. I'm like, that's what I'm talking about. But then I get rid of it because the next day she'll be like, I was thinking. I'm like, yeah, I bet you were.

They go back into that box and they're like, actually, I can still play with that. Just don't. Don't. Go. That's true. I mean that's like the whole purpose now as a comedian and as a parent, as a human, is to give back, to be intrinsically valuable to other people.

Like even doing this show, someone's going to listen to it and go like, oh my God, really? Like her mom was a borderline or her dad was an alcoholic and she's fine? Yeah, it's fine. But I did go to a diagative therapy. Yes, that's the thing. You've got to put the work in. It's not just one day, poof. Recently, a friend of ours broke up with

her boyfriend they're younger i said well how old is he and she's like 28 but you know you blah blah i go first of all i i'm 47 i got 20 years of therapy and self-work like i i would have probably been the same way as he you know You can't compare two people like that. And don't fucking be throwing me into your mix. No. No, Ryan's fucked up all the – I have batted zero in serious relationships. Zero. Okay?

Why would you want advice from me? Zero. Right? So trying to be a better person, trying to work on all that shit. And accountability. I teach my daughter about accountability and gratitude. Like I always say there's no good excuse for bad manners. Like fuck that shit. You're going to say please. You're going to say thank you. Don't be telling me go get this shit. You go get it. I didn't know, but I was on – she's like, can we call mom? So I go, yeah. And she Zooms her mom.

Well, her mom's at work in this little studio, and we didn't know there was other people in the room because they weren't on camera. And Stella said, let me tell her. And she goes, Stella. I go, hey, you don't talk to me like that. And she's like, hey, there's people in here buying. And Stella got so embarrassed. And you just yelled like that in front of your mother on her work camera, all those people saw it just like i don't i don't like that i go yeah it feels don't feel good does it i'll be yelling at me like that on camera no you got to teach

them all that stuff those little humans don't know shit no they don't know anything anything about like the lack of patience our parents had like Like I don't think my – they didn't stop to just explain the little stuff to you. You know? Fuck no. You grow up the hard way. You just teach yourself. You raise yourself. You're like, oh, man.

Oh, shit. If I do this and this happens, this happens ten times. Yeah. I think I got it. Or even television. Or even television. I learned so much from watching like sitcoms like Three's Company or like Charles in Charge. Like, oh, everybody's nice to each other. I remember thinking like this is crazy that people are just nice to each other on TV all the time.

I thought that was bullshit, that that didn't exist in real life. I'm like, what are these people doing where they touch each other? Rap or what is that? Oh, hugs? Those are hugs? What's Charles over here doing while he's in charge? I know. I know. Well, I love you.

I love you too. And I'm glad you're in a great place. And thank you for coming in here. Thanks. Do you want to plug your dates one more time again, please? I want to butt plug you want to uh plug your dates one more time again please plug my dates but plug your dates one more time february 25th through 27th the houston improv christina p online.com for tickets and then i also go to des moines des moines and then there's other tickets other places i'm doing the red states christina p online.com christina p online.com listen to mom's house. Listen to where my mom's at. The Christina P on Instagram. All that good stuff. I'm around.

Well, thank you for everything. Thank you. I love you. I love you too. You're the best. And I appreciate you guys. Thank you. I'm going to miss you, but I'm coming down to see you. You coming up in May? Up? Down? Texas is down, Christine. Well, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna... I'm not sure.

Is there a Texas north of here? There's northern Texas. Northern Texas. But I'll tell you what. I'm gonna wash my pussy for you. Please. I don't want to smell stinky pussy. Well, I still can't smell, so I'll let you know. If I can't, I'll be like, hey, just keep your pussy as is, Christine. You got it.

I love it. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.