The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Dan St. Germain

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Dan St Jermain! I asked Dan to send me some things he wanted to talk about and the first thing he wrote was “My 2nd time in rehab”. Just jumped right over the 1st stop in rehab and the addiction that made him decide to get help. Dan opens up about addiction and relapse and the consequences that come with the bad decisions you make, like losing your dream job. Subscribe, download & review! theHoneyDewpodcast.com

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans, doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler, Ryan Sickler on social media on social media ryan sickler.com want to hit you with some dates real quick this is coming up man june 13th through the 15th i'm with segura in richmond maryland and atlantic city june 27th through the 30th with tom tommy buns in tulsa wichita and kansas city and then august 1st through the 3rd i'm at the house of comedy minnesota i'm in Baltimore in September.

Again, as I say every week, thank you very much for all the support. Please make sure you're subscribed. Get over at your mom's house YouTube page. Subscribe there as well. The website is thehoneydopodcast.com. That's where you get the merch. That's where you follow all the social media links.

That's where you can email me and all that. This episode of the honeydew is brought to you by postmates when you need red wine at 4 p.m sushi at 9 p.m a breakfast burrito at 8 a.m and ibuprofen at 10 a.m post made it i've mentioned it before uh i had uh we we had a cookout saved by postmate man they uh went and got some propane for us so we didn't have to leave to go get it because we'd been drinking having for us so we didn't have to leave to go get it because we'd been drinking, having a good time. We weren't going to drink and drive. We hit up Postmates. They went and brought the propane, saved the cookout. And being a single parent,

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download Postmates and save with code honeydew. And as I say, every week as well, if you're new to the show, what we're doing here is highlighting the low lights. And these are the stories behind the storytellers and today my guest i'm very excited to have first time here on the honeydew dan saint germain it's good to be here i should talk to you and not into the camera right that's i'm already i don't know what i'm doing right now i feel like i'm on the young turks uh i like the highlights of the low light that that's fucking that's like a great i can curse right yeah i don't know why now i think i can't curse i ask cameras once in a while

uh but that sounds like that's like a great country lyric it's like a chris stapleton album you kind of look like you could definitely be i yeah you know i'm actually a thinner chris stapleton because usually i get compared to compared to fat guys that love being like, you've got to look like Jim Morrison. Like an obese guy. 600 pound guy. Because if I look like Jim Morrison, then it's obtainable for them to be Jim Morrison. Nobody's attractive as Jim Morrison.

It's more about them. Everybody else is like, oh, fatter Galifianakis. Kurt Metzger once called me Snacks Galifianakis. That's great uh well before we get into any of your stories here today will you please feel free promote whatever you oh all right well this is coming out in june so i'm gonna be at the punch line in san francisco in uh june on june uh the 19th to the 22nd it's the same weekend as clusterfest which i'm not a part of so see me if you're not seeing every other act of town uh and then that that june 15th i'll be in poughkeepsie um uh joe i'll be in new york doing dates july august i'm going

on a southern tour um july i'm doing some new y date in Schenectady. And then September, I'll be in Vermont doing a club, the Vermont Comedy Club, which I wanted to do for a while. What's your website? DanStateGermain.net. I don't know why I was... You aggressively got up there. I don't know why I keep looking. I don't know where to look.

How about your podcast? Look at me. Oh, shit. Oh, that's your camera right there. Oh, man, I've been looking at your camera. That's our wide right there. Total effing... I've been that's our wide right total effing i'm looking at the wide there you've been total effing marks on all things comedy network

um it's a hoot and my album is no real winners here on uh shit 800 pack roll records and the show that i wrote for alternatino i think is coming out this month if it's june so there you go there's all the plugs. I think that's all of them. Boom. Knocked out. Well done. Out of the way.

Out of the way. Now everybody knows where to find you after they sit back and listen to you. Find me. So I was saying to you guys off mic before we start. So I ask everybody before they come on, just give me a log line of what you want to talk about. Right. My parents divorced or a car accident or near death or whatever and the first line on the email you sent me says second trip skipping over the first trip like that was the addiction because my parents did get divorced

in the past two years uh which i don't want to talk i'll tell one thing i won't tell specifics about um but i went to my mom's house recently to say hi your mom's house and my mom's house right here uh tom segura is my mom uh and i got there and the living room because we had this picture when we were a kid but it's a woman i'm why i'm looking at the wide it's i'm going to be looking at you i don't know why i keep looking here it's a woman giving birth and she's got a clamp on uh on her on her husband's penis so every labor pain she has she presses on the pump so he feels the same amount of pain and i was like well mom if you're single you may not want this in the living room yeah that may not be the best way to entice a new guy around i have a fucking scene from saw is the first thing you witness you know it's a little rough but yeah second trip to rehab it was a safer bet so can we go back to addiction what

what got you even into rehab in the first place i mean you know i've never been able to handle my shit and i like doing it you know what is what is your shit what do you like doing and what age did we start i mean i started i think I got drunk in middle school. But, you know, I think the same thing that all high schoolers did is that we stole from, like, you know, our parents' liquor cabins, replaced it with water. And then, you know, like, it wasn't like I'd have a drink in the morning sometimes. I wasn't, like, drinking every day. But when I did, it was a disaster. You know, like, piss myself or vomit everywhere like pass out

the back of the school like you know like yeah i mean you would go to school fucked up i i did yeah i mean i was cool on weed for the second half of my high school like like the last months when i already knew i was in college i didn't start smoking until i was 21 i got a little late on the weed now i can't smoke weed but i used to be able to smoke no problem and now i it just fucks with me um but yeah so i just couldn't deal with it i don't think i think you actually passed out in the back of the school yeah kind of like i at least slept for a little bit and that's a that was a daily thing for you no that was just once i remember i was the lead of the school play, and I got suspended.

For what? For getting passed out in the back of the school. Yeah, it might hurt your chances of remaining the lead. Yeah, I could have gotten away with it too, but I was close. But again, it was shit like that. Was it just drinking or the drinking lead to no drinking definitely went to other shit i mean i definitely experiment with other drugs i think like every time i've drank since then you i immediately want to buy cocaine right away

that's go yeah they go right together for me you know it's just it's you know it's like going to jimmy buffett concert at sandals man you can't you can sandals, man. You can't do it. You just can't do it. It's just, you know. You feel like you're a part of the party. Although I'm never in an open shirt doing lines with models. It's more just like, did Oswald do it in the basement of somebody's house? So at what age?

And food. I mean, everything, dude. Yeah, I feel you on food, dude. What age do you realize, all right, this is a problem and you're going to rehab? Or does someone help you realize? Well, my dad, when I was like 22, my dad slammed like a list of meetings in front of me and he's like you should pretty you should go here by 20 and my dad drinks a decent amount you know like like everybody more if you didn't fucking drink all this shit he's not like a hard wicker but he's like a

coarse white guy you know like one of those dudes it's just like drinks coarse white like it's water um but you know not not like he never becomes like a fucking eugene o'neill play um but uh yeah so i i i just yeah i i went to that meeting and then i would get like what is outpatient no no that was a year and a half later first i started going to me outpatient is you can basically have a job like you can be doing this and then going outpatient so you go three you know a couple hours it depends on what kind of outpatient program you have a lot of times they recommend outpatient after you do inpatient and i did outpatient so i could keep my security job and still do comedy okay um so i'd go to this place with parallax in new york city what's up guys

and we would just have group therapy and you know like I had a therapist she was great I think I fell in love with her for a week because you're just like so like insecure and like you're just like oh you'll listen to me you know and

and then I thought I kind of had a beat for a while and then two and a half years later you know went out again was in and out for a year. And during that year, it was like, you know, one time me and this comic, maybe we'll have him on the show and he'll tell the story. And he like we did so much coke one night. And then I think we picked up his drug dealer from the hospital to like buy more drugs and we stopped at the er to pick him up and we bought more drugs and that whole weekend was a blur and i thought he was dead that comic was dead

that comic is a like i mean he's a rock star i won't say who is but i remember i asked him like i think recently the best year i'm like so is that like the top five times you've ever gotten fucked up he's like nah it wasn't even close um but we uh yeah and then we went to god where do we go i went to athens georgia and i did start doing stand-up and i remember i was just because i had pergocet to try to come down from the coke and I was just like sweating sheets of water you know on stage I can't even hear Tennessee for like two days and that point I was just drinking and I don't even know if it wasn't uh I forget you know and and I was on stage and this guy and like I just I thought it was hot shit because I was this uh you know i just done late night with jimmy fallon so i'm like well i've done late one late night set i'm in you know not

realizing how this business works at all and i remember i did this bit that killed on fallon it's a new york joke and this cat guy bit and a guy dressed as a cat jump on stage because it was the blue plum festival in johnson city, Tennessee. And he started jumping on stage and grinding against me. And I remember the host was an hour late. It was this dude named, I think, X. I don't know, but he would give us a speech before. I would say that's an alias, not a name. He would give us a Pacino in any given Sunday speech before.

At the end of that weekend, I remember remember i went upstairs and there was this big fat guy with a mullet who was like running the club and uh he counted the money for me and he's like how was it and you know like when you're young and you start headlining rooms you know the the thing is even if it's bad he go it was great man because you want to do it again even if it's not you say it was great and i go and i just looked at my guys honestly man it was pretty fucking shitty and then he just and then without missing me he goes yeah i figured and he just gives me his money and i was like this guy's yeah i kind of loved him after that i was like this guy knows what he's been doing um but yeah i had um so yeah i had uh but then i kept drinking that year on and off and I was having like

bleeding ulcers and like shitting blood whoa yeah that was bad you're drinking that much I guess yeah I mean I had like three ulcers and what is your drink of choice I was well I was I had drunk a lot of whiskey but I was drinking vodka because you could sneak in anywhere that's the only thing about like movie theaters you can sneak vodka into movie theaters nobody gives a shit um until they realize what's happened uh but yeah so i i did i did that and i went and eventually i turned i i totally like destroyed my relationship at the time uh through um my own fucking like you know my own failings uhings, uh, to put it lightly. And I was like, Oh, I'm going to go to rehab to try to, um, you know, win this person back. And obviously, and thank God, uh, that person was like, no, you know, like she made the right move, you know,

like, uh, but that's how I went to the first rehab was just, I was trying to like, and then I, and I, I went to this rehab called Cbro castok house in south jersey um and i was there for a month and it was right after i remember it was like a week after i did john oliver's new york stand-up show so again i thought it was i was the shit i was 260 or 70 pounds i was like i i i was i was just like just disgusting looking and you know it was just total selfish pathetic behavior and still the whole time just drinking and drinking

yeah yeah it was like one of those things where I just drink to get straight but are you also at the time you're bleeding are you going to the doctor at all no I'm just like oh I'm shitting blood that's weird i gotta stop eating the spicy food and then and then and then all of a sudden i stopped shitting blood and rehab and then i got out and i went to uh what's endocrinologist what's it called yeah or the guy who does the uh gastronologist sorry

and then they're like yeah you got three bleeding three bleeding ulcers because they didn't examine shit. So then they gave me that, and then they kind of fixed that. Damn. Yeah, it was crazy. And then it just kind of went away. I don't know if that was stress, too. It could have been stress and the drinking together. So how long after rehab, the first rehab to drinking again?

That was two and a half years to the second rehab. Outpatient. That was two and a half years to the second rehab. Outpatient to that, two and a half years. And then I lasted another. What happened? What tipped you back over on the other side? I think I, I mean, look, I wanted to do it. You know, like I experimented. I'd smoked weed beforehand.

It was like, I was, again, I remember at the time, like weed doesn't work for me anymore it got really paranoid i just thought about death i remember i couldn't talk to my girlfriend at the time i just bought her a book of poetry while we were out so like i like just i didn't have to talk like this is romantic so i won't have to do maybe this guy will do all the work for me um and i did that and then you know eventually that shit catches up with you and i remember it was some bullshit i got i got blacklisted for some club because i said some shit on a podcast um and looking back on that was so dumb the reason and i remember the time i called mark maron and i was like

i that's why i drank he goes he drank for that fucking club you know like he was like he was like he was like yeah couldn't believe it you know like he was like he was like he was like couldn't believe it you know but at the time it was like come on you got the biggest fucking podcast in the world uh this is a big deal for me uh but he was he was actually nice he took my calls for you know about you know a couple weeks there so that was nice time shout out to mark um but then yeah i just like uh i i eventually then that eventually turned into drinking that night at this bar in williamsburg and you know i was off to the races baby and then how long during that before we hit and i hear and then i waited a year and a half and um you know uh got a new

girlfriend got some cool stuff with the career again. Things were looking great. I remember I just sold a show to Fox. And then, like, on the plane ride back, I was like, I deserve one now. And then, you know, of course, then for a year I was in and out. And then I got six months sober and then went out for a couple days. Then I had two and a half years and i went out for um five days and now i have like two years back you're back two years yeah so that's been good does addiction run it you said

your dad's a drinker but yeah yeah yeah yeah mike warrens is a great joke about that he's like my family tree has a a car wrapped around it uh yeah I mean, yeah, I think it definitely runs on. For sure, you know, my mom's side, it definitely runs, you know. So I think it was just kind of like an easy fit. I mean, like, I drink like a normal soda 30 times faster than anybody I'm with. Like, I just need to like, I have a problem where,

where if I like think something's unfinished, all I can think about is that it's unfinished. It's like a weird compulsion. And you want to finish it? Yeah. I see. So I think that same thing works with food. You know,

I mean, I ate right before I got here. I went to this, I had a quesadilla and a burrito like before I got here and I'm like, Oh, this is good. I'm going to be holding in farts for a two hour fucking podcast. It's here, I went to this, I had a quesadilla and a burrito, like, before I got here. And I'm like, oh, this is good. I'm going to be holding in farts for a two-hour fucking podcast. It's probably not even going to be, it's going to be on a wooden chair.

You know, so it's not like I can even disguise it, but, like, a pleather couch, you know, that's being filmed. So, yeah, I just, like, I'm like, what can I do to not think of it? And now I have this thing, so I'm like doing it all the time. But the last relapse that I had was much more, I was prescribed a medication. Like I didn't want to go out and I was prescribed a medication and that medication wasn't really right. And that kind of let out.

So I was only out for a couple of days and I was like, fuck, this medication's not right. I got to like, I got to hard line it back. And I have. So that's been good. me out for a couple days and i was like fuck this medication's not right i gotta like hard i gotta hard wind it back and i have so that's been good so that medication pushed you off yeah i think so you know i think i was you know they prescribed me klonovan for anxiety attacks and and then that's the one a lot of people a lot of comedians have come on and said they uh that's the one they take when they fly is that one just does it knock you out or is it just sedate you uh it doesn't i'm not sure me personally it you know it depends

it's different things for different people man because i still am prescribed xanax right now which a lot of people would say that that means you're not sober you know which i mean some people i'm not going to argue with that um but for me it just was kind of like having a bud light you know i was like yeah i feel kind of pretty cool man right now and feel kind of relaxed i'm a pretty cool dude see i'm the other way weed i'm fine with weed right but any pills i'm super sensitive like i can't do any of the percocets any of the painkillers i can't fuck with and i took one xanax one time yeah and that thing it was like a fucking elephant trank man it put me down oh really and i told my doctor he's

like good i'm like not that's not good i don't want to sleep through my shit i i wake up that shit's still there you know what i mean i so i just i was like i gave those away yeah i mean for me you know look i'm not i can't because think, you know, I eventually want to be off all that shit. And I only use it, you know, like in situations where there's a flight or something like that. I want to be off all that shit. But it definitely can make you exhausted and slow you down. And Jesus Christ, so unprofessional, guys. down and it jesus christ so unprofessional guys uh um um so yeah um so what happened on your second trip to rehab second trip to rehab sorry about that that's all right that's where we went i decided to go this place at seabrook house in sass jersey

my favorite thing about sass jersey is that like it's like uh like real racist to still appropriated black culture so i it's like i don't want one dating my daughter son you know it's like it's like crazy it's like this crazy like bizarre combo but i went there for 30 days can i ask you real quick did you have an intervention ever or did you know i never had an intervention this was like i purely wanted to get my life back on track and and wanted to like turn stuff around and um and luckily i had freelancers insurance which paid for some of. It didn't pay for all of it. And it was, yeah, I mean, it was a good, you know, like the thing about like all rehabs is that they're good and it says that like it stops you for 30 days, you know.

But like I was kind of lucky, man. I never picked up heroin. Like fucking heroin drops you. Especially down there, like near Camden and stuff like that. I mean, it's just like high school kids are just like, I'm in it. It's Baltimore. It's everywhere. And it's not just the city.

It's all over the suburbs. Or it's like a suburban mom who got prescribed oxys. Exactly. And then all of a sudden she can't pay for the oxys anymore. go get the hair so i'm gonna go down yeah and get heroin it's crazy so i was very lucky in that sense that i did not have that monkey on my back um i've done oxy cotton before it just i guess it never took or whatever although i always i still fantasize about like you know i wonder what happen if I got in a jet ski accident. Then do I get a pass?

It's a jet ski accident. It's a jet ski accident or a tractor trailer. So people feel sorry for me, so I'm allowed to. And then you're like, yeah, people would feel sorry for me for like two days, and then you would be the guy like, hey, man, you shit on my waterbed. Goodwill only lasts for so long. Yeah, so I went there at this place, Seabrook House.

There's a lot of crazy stories at that place. I remember the one thing is, I kind of thought I was hot shit again. I was like, I just taped something for Comedy Central. Now I'm at Seabrook House. I was like, oh, this is a step down. all first off they all wanted me to do comedy i'm like i'm not doing comedy performing there yeah i'm like this is i'm at a low point right now

and then i remember i asked one of my handlers there this guy who i painted easter eggs with on easter just me and him in a room um and uh and he's like he's like oh i checked out your unsolicited he's like i checked out your comedy online and i'm like oh oh, I checked out your, on solicit, he's like, I checked out your comedy online, and I'm like, oh yeah, what do you think? He goes, wasn't for me. And I'm like, you're going to tell this to somebody with like fucking 14 days sober? And then he had to like, and it was even more embarrassing

because he had to double down and then find a video he liked, and he goes, oh, I like this video, and he knew that was buried at the bottom, so he liked and he goes oh i like this video and he knew that was buried at the bottom so he must have gone through 10 videos of shit he hated to get to that one that he gave gave the barest of a compliment to couldn't even lie and just say man i really dug it man couldn't do it he was dying to tell you he didn't care for your comedy man i really think it wasn't i don't think it was like a passive aggressive thing either.

He just was like, I think people just don't understand social norms, social etiquette. That's so good. That's all right. That is hilarious. It was crazy. It was a crazy trip. And it's so funny because everybody like, you know, it's just hard, man. It's a hard thing to kick.

And I remember one thing we were like. Yeah, what's it like? Well, it's segregated by color. No, it's not. By women and men. No, it's matter in one side, women in another. Because they don't want to have any. They don't want to have any.

Which makes sense. Because they don't want to have like, you know, like. Because you're like, you're taken away from like, you know, like the thing that you love the most. So it's like, all right, I'll just replace it with a relationship i'm gonna fall in love immediately um and i remember the first day was just so fucked up this girl was like getting dropped off by her parents and we're all sitting outside and then you know because there's a lot of like there's a lot of debate within you know the addiction community whether or not suboxone you should be taking suboxone or not what is that that's like a heroin supplement it's not something it's like

yeah there's a lot of debate there's a meme going around and that a friend of mine sent me from maryland it says it's a guy taking a nap in his car and he says don't give me how do you say it suboxone don't give me suboxone yeah i'm just taking a nap because everybody looks like their own fucking heroin yeah that's hilarious yeah so ever like people like uh so like i guess this is a rehab that didn't have suboxone and this girl like you know her parents dropped her off there and she goes like they didn't have fucking suboxone you lied to me and ran like away from the car like through a field and we're all sitting there cheering her, being like, yeah, fuck them! They don't understand you!

Yeah, fuck them! We were all like, yeah, dad doesn't get it. That poor... Just a bunch of fucking scumbags with neck tattoos, cheering their daughter, running into the woods. Oh my god.

What other crazy shit do you see there well one thing that they did was they made us go into a room and listen to james taylor's fire and rain until we cried that was that's real yeah it was real that was so crazy like how many times through you well it was like a bunch it wasn't just james taylor but it was like that it was like crazy like how many times through you well it was like a bunch it wasn't just james taylor but it was like that's good it was like clearly like we were wedding and then like i think like somebody fake cried so we could get out of there um you well until everybody cried everybody cried so one guy's holding it up yeah yeah like come on god damn it's just it's just great characters one guy who for some some reason, in South Jersey, had a Kentucky accent, which I don't know how that happens.

And he would be like, ah, you know, whenever I walked in, he'd be like, Liz, you're a loony bird. He would say that to me. He's like, you're crazy. You're a loony bird. This is a guy who, right before he got in, took an entire hand of fucking Percocet, put it in his mouth, so he could be like, you can't get me for this.

This is coming in with me are you serious yeah yeah yeah he'll be high for three days yeah three days i did this at my comedy central half hour but i talked about doing equine therapy there and it was like what is that? That's like you work with a horse to like get over shit. It's exactly what it is. You guys have horses at rehab? They had a horse at rehab. we had to get the horse to move without touching it.

So it was very bizarre. We had to use objects to tempt it, but not even a carrot. It wasn't like a food so it made no sense whatsoever and the two horse trainers i think was was lesbian couple and they were like saying passive aggressive shit to us like it's like oh really great job guys like was this the weirdest like they were clearly like hated all of us and then there was one guy who was just kind of like this hippie dude and i you know i'm not gonna say anybody's name but he was

like in the beginning of it. And by the way, I never talk about an AA meeting because you're not supposed to. But rehab, I'm like, yeah, fuck it. I don't know why. I don't know why that's a loophole for me. A lot of people. No, a lot of people talk about rehab.

I don't talk about the meetings, but I do talk about like rehab loopholes because it's like it's almost not real. And then I remember he was like, come on, baby, come on. You know, he was like, come on, come on. And then like 10 minutes later, this hippie's like, it's almost not real. And then I remember he was like, come on, baby. Come on. You know, he was like, come on, horse, come on. And then like 10 minutes later, this hippie's screaming, why don't you fucking move for me?

Move! And he was the same guy who flipped out because it was Easter and we had an Easter egg hunt for... The ones you painted? Yeah, I mean, there's chocolates in them, and it was for all the people's kids were coming to visit him, which is like the worst Easter ever. And so they had an Easter egg hunt,

but then one of the younger, like 19-year-old heroin addicts just stole all the candy and ate it. The kids had nothing to get. And then the hippies started yelling at him, you fucking ruined Easter for them. Fuck you. There's honeydew in the kitchen, god damn it. He's like, you ruined Easter.

I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you. Everyone's saying fuck you back to each other. Little kids are crying with Easter. And then they would fuck up. Every week they would have like one rehab movie that was like about recovery and then one like um one uh like like fun movie that we were allowed to watch like dark knight or some shit like that and i remember the rehab movies well it was like

some of them were good it was like queen and sober you know one of them was like the bill w story with james woods before he went crazy um james woods and bill w uh but the other one was like they decided to play leaving las vegas which is not really a great one yeah because i watch this more triggering especially you're going through it you're like i mean yeah the guy's total shit but he's also like pouring like vodka over a hot elizabeth's shoe and like hooking up with her in a pool you're like yeah this doesn't look too bad you know so that i think they played that and they realized like we made a mistake on that one it's gonna be grease next year yeah it's gonna be grease next year or just like show like a video of fucking

drunk driving accidents or something like that you know like one of the most chilling like little shorts ever Netflix and Werner Herzog just like did like a you know because he's always upbeat but he did like a short video of like people who explaining the death of their loved ones who got killed by

texting while driving and I'm like you could have just played that for alcoholism and it would have been you know yeah fine but you know it's a lot of fun that's the problem with all that it works you know that's what everybody says it was a good time and they missed when i worked at yellowstone national park which i don't know if i talked about on the you worked at yellowstone yeah i think i may have talked about on the crappies i'm not sure but like uh there was a there's this guy who would always make fun of he would talk to the kids like the kids the young

kids like 18 or 19 year old utah kids and he was a former voiceover guy who now was a bartender and you know yellowstone national park he was like a fucking will ferrell character and he literally he said uh he's like you know i'll tell you what kids you know i've seen cocaine i've seen it ruin marriages i've seen it ruin families i've seen ruin lives, but it's a pretty good time. That was like, he still would like. And these kids are like, oh, maybe I'll try it then. I currently don't have any of those things. Oh, man.

All right, so you're in for 30 days. 28 days to be 28 days now do they do you have to get out at 28 days or can you stay longer if you want to is that you can stay i mean and and if you have all the money in the world you know obviously a six-month program because that one thing was cool is you know they do you know like they only give you kind of rehab books to read but a lot of them are good like i read chris heron's book you know him he was the boston celtic was like addicted to heroin was like buying fucking heroin before his like games crazy story they have a i didn't know that they have a 30 for 30 on them too which is awesome i'm gonna watch that um and i think he's still he's still sober i'm not sure but i read that.

I read some Eckhart Tolle and then some like this Buddhist 12-step work. This guy was a Buddhist, but he was still drunk, and he was trying to figure that out. And then Beautiful Boy, thank God I didn't. I have done Beth, but thank God I didn't make that a thing. So that was cool. So you would read. It's amazing when you don't have tv how

much you can get done you know like it just took me now it took me like like i started a book like last november and then i put it down and it took me like three months like to finally finish it and then like but if you're like away somewhere you can go through like you know like a book every two days yeah you know for whatever reason so what happens when you get out you go you get i live with my parents um i started slowly doing road gigs again um i bombed pretty bad uh at a lot of places i really ate it at foxwoods i remember because i was it was like me uh Jared Freed, Anthony DeVito, and Adam Conover. And I forget who it was. And they all killed.

And I went up and I just fucking tanked. Is that your first set out of rehab? No, I did another college gig that I also tanked. So I was like, and I did the college gig because it was money. You know, but I think I upset some guy in a Cookie Monster T-shirt. And then, like, my college agent fired me, like, a couple months later. So it was, you know, it was what it was. And, yeah, and then I slowly kind of got back into comedy in New York.

And, I mean, it finally ended up working out, but you know, rehab is so crazy because sometimes they put you there and it's like, the person shouldn't be there. They should be at a mental institution. And I guess the police and the, the hospital, like,

so we had like one guy, this guy's here. He looks like fucking James Gandolfini. And he was like, rooming with this other guy. And we just hear, he's literally bashing his head through the fucking wall just screaming at like all these this is like we're all trying to sleep bashing

his own head or his own head no and his roommate is shivering yeah i would be shivering like watching him like just just strike would destroy again literally the guy's he's huge he's like that he's like a tony soprano type and the whole and the whole time i mean it was uh yeah it was it was it was pretty pretty humiliating and are you and are you locked in there at night are you buzzed in oh yeah yeah so this guy's stuck in there it depends i mean if you're in there for oh my god if you're in there for yeah yeah everybody's freaking out well they took him out everybody everybody's like a little everybody's a little like like if you're there for court reasons there's one guy there who is just a drug dealer and he was he dealt crack but he didn't only smoked weed and casually

so it was a real weird vibe because he'd be like i don't really have a problem the only problems are you all aren't out there yeah yeah all i see is yeah all i see is uh business opportunities in this room wasted sales around this fucking place yeah and that was that was so it's not just that's so funny too to run into somebody like because i remember i ran into somebody who was like homophobic rehab. And I'm like... I remember I said to the vet, wait, wait, wait, gay friends. And he goes, ugh, gross. And then I was like, yeah, he's gross,

but you're the one who passed out naked in her daughter's fucking birthday cake. What fucking high horse? You can't ruin a Christmas and also be homophobic. You gotta pick one lane holy shit so out of that rehab you clean and sober since that no no that was the fox thing was a year and a half later and then i and then i got sober after that in la and then i had about six months in la and i remember like

you know and i went right out and i got beat up by a father and son wait what holy shit i think i was drinking when i did the crab feast because i think that was that weekend where i got beat up by a father and son so you left the crab feast and that night well i tried to find coke in uh koreatown i think this is your post-crab feast episode you're telling me about right now yeah all right or that weekend why coke in koreatown i literally googled where's the best coke and i couldn't i couldn't buy cocaine that's on google yeah i i couldn't buy i couldn't buy it from i tried to buy it from uh what's the burlesque place uh in hollywood all the old school place old school place that's on hollywood boulevard that used to look right courtney love used to

dance yeah yeah jumbos jumbos clown room i tried to buy there i remember the bad story i kept asking him and he didn't know and And he had a really nice body. So I kept complimenting his body in hopes that that would like, but man, you work out. You look great. Thanks, man. I got to go try. I'll try.

So he kept trying because I kept like, I kept complimenting his pythons. And then I got, I remember I was like downtown and Korea, you know, like Koreatown and these two cholos came up to me and they like, and I'm talking like fucking like long white shorts, like fucking like, like, like, and long white shirts and like fucking jean shorts and they were not fucking around.

And I was passed on the floor and I'm for the 7-Eleven. That's called a sidewalk. Yes, because it's a sidewalk. You're right. You're right. That's a sidewalk. The floor would have been inside the 7-Eleven. That's called a sidewalk. Yeah, you're right. You're right. That's a sidewalk. The floor would have been inside the 7-Eleven. And then

there was somebody, a couple tried to help me, and I remember the two dudes, the other guys were like, why don't you give us money? And then this couple, they didn't help me. But he goes, because he needs it you guys don't need it and they were like from the street and i was like i'm gonna get fucked up

from this they left but then they started cursing me and flipping me off so i this is how bad it was i couldn't get up so i just lifted my arms up to give them a double finger from them so they came in they started stomping me and i heard one of them said i'll help you dad i swear to god i brought a father i brought a family together and i swear to god this is the craziest thing and this is all fucking true is that i had eaten at a korean barbecue right before that because i couldn't find coke and i was literally trying to find coke you're a best coke and best barbecue i was trying to buy coke i was literally trying to find coke by sticking my thumb out and like waving cars down and being like can you have coke one guy gave me an orange

because he thought i was like homeless so i was like i'm doing i'm doing i'm at this barbecue place and i guess i tipped really well uh because then like i was getting beat up on the street and then out of nowhere my fucking korean barbecue waiter like a fucking movie i swear to god yeah harold and kumar go to detox and they fucking and and he fucking fights them off for me and gets me up are you serious yeah and then i remember and the cops came he's like i wasn't here they handcuffed me they left and the cop lipd was a really nice guy he's like i'm like here they handcuffed me they left and the cop lipd was a really nice guy he's like i'm like i want to press charges and he goes dude you're fucking publicly intoxicated we're gonna have to arrest you then and he's like i can just let you go and i was like okay and then

i got in the cab and i started bawling hysterically just crying and then uh and then the cab driver goes oh get a hold of yourself. Which is the name of my album, by the way. Get a hold of yourself. Then I got home. He's fucking clowning you, man. You're just been through hell. So then I went, get a hold of yourself. He was disgusted.

He was disgusted. He was an olderican man with a family and he was like it's like oh get a hold of yourself he was right i should have gotten a hold of myself and then uh and then i got home and then my friend uh uh andy haynes is a comic i still owe everything to we We poured all my liquor out. Yeah, and then I was sober for two and a half years, and then I ended up. You're telling me the night that that cabbie told you to get a hold of yourself, you went another two and a half clean?

I spent the next day drinking whiskey and watching Bloodline. All right. And then my manager at the time came over with all my mail, which was very bizarre. at the time came over with all my mail which it never was very bizarre and uh you know you know like it it was it was you know he was trying to help too and then i went i remember i went to that club stanford and sons that weekend i had one of the worst weekends of my life um and then after that you got two and a half years stanford and son where's that stanford city yeah the one where like they fuck everybody on money and shit i've never i've never been there

is that right yeah i mean yeah i did i mean uta reimbursed me um but uh yeah i mean not to speak ill of the dad but yeah um i mean that was just that blatantly i did uh uh they did they did i'm not trying to like you know because i think that guy has passed on since then but yeah i did uh uh they did they did i'm not trying to like you know because i think that guy has passed on since then but yeah i did not get the check that but it's like everybody nobody got the check that they're it's kind of like a fun story now it's like a johnny apple seed how'd you get fucked over yeah right yeah uh so then yeah i went two and a half years and i got i was having panic attacks i got prescribed quantipin and um from the quantip Klonopin I picked up again and that was

crazy and then I've been sober since then I ended up in the ER from that the Klonopin? well I mean the person I was partying with had told me no I had Klonopin for like three days well i'm asking and

then i caught up in and then i had a bud light after a comic book show that friday night and then that and then that lead to me wanting to get blow and then after that uh i ended up partying with someone and she told me oh yeah it's all uh it's all blow and it ended up being um yeah it ended up being meth and then i ended up in the ER the next day holy shit I'm asking because isn't and I'm ignorant to a lot of these pills but isn't Klonopin one of those ones if you mix with alcohol it can kill you in your sleep

or it's like a so I've heard I kind of that's why I asked so wait you how much meth do you do? I don't know I did it all night I just started all night

started all night with this girl and then the next day you're in the ER from what happens to you? heart palpitations I was having heart attacks so I called an ambulance and then they took me in and said I had just a bunch of methamphetamines in my system and you know

and they kind of look at you like you're taking a bed up for somebody else, which they're right. Yeah, so that was fucking crazy. But to the Glendale EMTs, thank you for getting me out of that. Because that would have been rough. And now you've been sober since then? Yeah, now I've been sober since then yeah now i've been sober since then i'm engaged are you well congratulations dude crazy now i'm like you know how long has it been we

got engaged in october i mean clean and sober oh uh about two years now two years all right what's your longest two and a half two and a half so we'll see i'm just joking i uh no i'm not gonna come yeah i'll have new uh i'll have a new yeah we'll do another episode that'd be me skyping in from prison well i'm glad man i'm glad i know i you know i i people come on and talk about addiction all the time and i they've literally said i can't have a drink like i can drink a half a beer and walk away from it oh wow and they'll say like i can't have one because i'll have 20 and then they're like that's not an exaggeration like i would know i always said if i could stop at eight then i would be fine eight yeah what um what drugs haven't you done never done heroin i

mean i did oxy but i never did heroin acid yeah i've done acid but i don't remember it because i was too drunk the one drug i don't regret really taking is uh mushrooms that was just legalized in denver legalized in denver right now everybody's talking about it on instagram um but that like and i had mostly bad trips i did it eight times and almost every trip either did nothing or as bad but i had one trip that was like fucking crazy and still like one of the moments in my life that i'm like oh well that was an important moment um you just feel like interconnected to everything it's like you know like uh spinoza he talks about the idea of god as a whole we're all connected we're all part of god and you do have that feeling when you're on mushrooms i mean that's that's a legit thing

but if you have mental disorders especially if you like struggle with like i have bipolar so i'm on medication for that but if you start with like schizophrenia or just waiting to get some rain in your family or anything else like don't fucking go near it like that's how uh or lst that's what happened like kurt vonnegut said he got all fucked up that way really yeah mark vonnegut he had this uh he has he gave kurt like his best quote which was like we got to get each other through this whatever it is um but yeah he i think he has a whole book about it i read the book and i forget what it's called now but i'll google it just to make sure I'm not talking out of my ass. It was... What's it called?

Do you have any of that in your family? Do you have any? Depression? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm very... I don't have that. Mark Vonnegut.

Yeah. What's his books? His book was... That I saw... The Eden Express. That was it. But he went to a commune and was like yeah i'll just do acid like everybody else and then that was it that was it man now he's doing because he's doing great now but you know so you mentioned a retreat now this retreat is this part of therapy or that was just like every

every time i'm like done with a writing job and want to quit show business, I do the most show business thing in the world, which is I go on a retreat from show business. And you literally get to the retreat and you see fucking bags that say William Morris and CAA. Nah. Everyone has the same fucking idea that I have.

It's the most LA fucking idea ever. But yeah, I went to one. So what is it? What do you do? I've never been to one of these. Well, one of them was just a silent house, and it was a guy. We would meditate with him at the end of the night, and he was really obsessed with us using his new pool.

That's all I really remember from it. He's like, I got this great pool if you guys want to. I was like, what are you? Wait, are you allowed to talk? To him. Well, it's like to him you are, but you're not really supposed to talk to anybody else. But it was beautiful. It was up in Maryville, California. That's Maryville, New York. I'm thinking Maryville, New York, but I else but it was beautiful it was up in uh in cal god maryville california that's maryville new york that's i'm thinking maryville new york

but i forget totally up in california beautiful beautiful view i remember the only thing that was uh i would go on these hikes but the only problem is there would be like signs for rattlesnakes so you're always like you're trying to be meditating and then like you're like i'm trying to like become at peace with everything am i gonna fucking die up here while i'm you know reaching nirvana but it was cool man i got a lot of reading done you just like and i remember i read this book while i was there uh 10 happier dan harris wrote it he's the guy he's a great dude i did his podcast he's the good morning america guy and he um uh he had that uh kind of like he kind of had like a mini panic attack

on air and then he talked about finding meditation and so I actually, like I said, I did his podcast which I have a really cool guy, also much more chill than me he's just got this kind of chill vibe about him but I ended up he talked about this place Spirit Rock with Jack

Kornfield and he's one of the guys who kind of brought like, like, you know, Buddhist meditation to one of the people who brought it in the seventies to the U S him and like Sharon Salzberg and all these people that were kind of like part of this whole crew. So I went to that retreat for like six days, but I left after four cause I had to get back for a writing job.

Um, and that you're completely silent. You wake up at five 30 in the morning to meditate and you're completely silent until nine o'clock that night and then what bed bed that's it and you don't speak for three days you don't speak well you know the third day and me and my roommate we looked at each other like hey you want to talk for a little bit he's like yeah we did which i kind of regret that i did that um but it's hard, too, because they have a tipping system at the end. And I was talking about the end of it.

How much do I tip? And they're like, whatever you feel like. And I'm like, come on, is it like a waiter thing? Is it 20%? So I ended up doing like 20%, you know. But that's this kind of weird thing where you're reaching enlightenment, and then you're like, you also don't want them to know that you're cheap. So you're like, maybe everybody haven't reached enlightenment yet.

Yeah, but it's cool. I kind of wanted to just see if I could do it. You know? And I half-assed at it, I guess. But I think it's also like I was saying before when we talked, there is something that is truly alcoholic

and addictive about being like a week i'll just clear myself in a weekend you know like that'll be it yeah you know like it's like oh let me just take this pill i'll take the soma and then i'm fucking straight you know but it's not it's like you have to make i haven't been meditating lately and it definitely shows you know you have to do it every day and i've done the tm thing in la which everybody does and um you know what's that woody allen movie where he's always trying to find a new religion the whole thing is that i forget is that hannah and her sisters or something but like it's like i think that i think especially out here in the west coast because everybody's coming here for some so if you're not like you're either if you're not coming here

you're coming here to become something different you know what i mean and i think that that's why there's so many artists musicians spiritual leaders and frauds and serial killers that all end up on the west coast because they're trying to search for something that's uh this intangible thing for for good and bad reasons i don't argue i can't argue that at all yeah i mean we're all kind of in it you know and it's funny when you get out there i don't know about you but then you start looking at property and like missoula or some shit and you're like god damn i could live like a fucking king if i live two states i said dude i have a daughter now it's all i keep thinking like scottsdale i could fucking for what i pay in rent i could have a five-bedroom house oh fuck yeah built in 2019

scottsdale's uh not a cheap town no still not cheap but it's still better than yeah i mean new york and san francisco la at least la is getting like that now with silicon beach all these all these people are raising rents up everywhere because they can afford it you know right they're all coming down from silicon valley it's gonna be boxed in man yeah um i want to hear this story here about dressing up oh yeah this was like actually this is more embarrassing than all the other ones and i don't know why it's more embarrassing but you know like because i always i was always picked on in middle school and i was like i got a mushroom cut and uh because i thought that was cool but then i wanted a peace sign back

my head but i i i told the guy like no that's how you do a peace sign and i told him mercedes symbols they called me mr mercedes man that was a nicknames became like a stephen king book later on where he ended up like driving his fucking car into a bunch of people which is maybe where i was heading if i didn't find comedy um but uh yeah i trust up his uh i remember the first day of sixth grade they were talking about halloween costumes and the teacher this guy is sixth grade teacher this guy named mr mulcahy which i think he's like the principal there now he was like talking about um yeah like uh you know like i'm uh like one of the oh what was really cool one of the teachers one of the kids went as me one year and he dressed up as me and that was like kind of funny and everyone was like oh it's so funny so i felt like that it would be cool if i did the same thing and I dressed up as him.

But it was just so fucking weird. You know what I mean? It was like the second guy. It's like showing up with like the Borat impression five years later. Yeah. So I'm doing Austin Powers right now. And I'm like, huh? And I looked at him like, come on.

And he's like, cool. And I was just so fucking embarrassed. And I stopped doing halloween after that i love halloween i love halloween i love watching horror movies i love eating like shit i love like going to a fucking pumpkin patch and drinking cider and seeing autumnal leaves but i won't dress up anymore because of that shit i stopped doing halloween i was done oh my god what do you remember i don't know how old you are i'm older than you but we used to have um and we wouldn't get a new it was either you make a fucking costume or if you got one it was from kmart and i would get kiss i would get ace freely

yeah and it was just a plastic mask with like this like yarn that would catch on fire and a little elastic headband and the suit was this fucking plastic suit and i just wore that shit for i want to say two or three halloweens and then after that it was just go to goodwill and make some and make some stuff my mom used to make great shit like my mom would make she made me the wolfman one year is awesome she made me like a two-headed like ghoul i guess that's what it would be or some ghost thing you know and that was cool so she was really good at making some of those costumes and a lot of those costumes and i think i dressed up a little bit in high school here and there but you know after a while it's just like it's not for it's weird right you

can't be an adult dress no you can't right i don't know it's just like you're a hot girl and you want to like look like uh like like like I guess like hot one night. It's just a very bizarre. It's also like now in the days of mass shooters, you don't want to show up to someplace dressed as Michael Myers. You're like, what the fuck is this guy's what's going to happen? You know?

Um, you said you had some people here very close to you recently. Oh yeah. That was a rough. Are you comfortable talking about it? Yes, I am. Can I go to the bathroom real quick? Yeah, can we?

Can we stop? So when you got here, you mentioned to us, we were talking, that you ruined a dream job. Ruined a dream job. Is this recent? This is recent. This was in August. I mentioned I have a wrestling podcast, Total F and Marks. And, you know, I love pro wrestling. I love it.

I mean, to give you an idea, I'm reading Goldust's autobiography right now. That's how much I love wrestling. So I get a call from this one guy, and I think he works in WWE now. And he's like, hey, do you want to do commentary for a professional wrestling event? And I was like, absolutely. I wanted to do that my whole fucking life. And it was Joey Janela's Lost in New York. It's a big indie show in New York.

It's not like a, you know, it's not WDB, but it's not like a VFW hall either. It's a big show. And they're going to let me comment for one match. They're like, well, Ron Funches did it last year. We'd love to have you do it this year. And I'm like, oh, that's great. Well, Ron's way more fucking has way more you know like he's

actually famous you know and that's cool that i'm like i'm getting to do this and uh i get there and i'm backstage and even before the show starts first off i'm getting ahead of myself i bought an outfit to wear like because i wanted to be a heel color commentator you know yeah bobby yeah like a bike about like paul hayman bobby the brain i get this leather leather jacket and it's on my instagram and then i get like a like a like a like a cab hat and then aviator sunglasses and i just look like an uber driver or like like afterwards or like, like, like some like, like Russian escorts pimp. You know, it was not at all like flamboyant or, but I get there and it's pretty cool. And I'm backstage and all the wrestlers were working out their matches and I'm watching it.

And that was fucking cool as shit. Right. And it starts out and Joey, and it shows you how like much wrestling has changed. You know, in the eighties, it was just, everybody was like doing like doing coke and like you know like chasing fucking flight attendants down the aisle and like you know like like getting into car wrecks and like some people getting stabbed you know it was like it was fucking insane it wasn't you know like it was a it was a it was a goddamn zoo you know um and uh i'm like i'm i'm i, I'm backstage. And Joey Janela comes up and he goes, he's a great guy.

And he's a really good wrestler. But he goes, you guys ready to fuck some shit up? And we're like, yeah. He goes, you guys ready to tear the house down? They're like, yeah. And he goes, okay, before we get out there, nothing transphobic, homophobic. Now let's get there. Fuck some shit up

fuck some people to sleep with their consent um so whatever uh I'm I'm slated to do commentary for this one match alright so I have some questions do you know

how this match is gonna end no so you're improvvinging the whole time. I'm improv-ing all day. I had one good line, and I forget. It was something about global warming. But you knew when it, you didn't know it was going to end. I knew the wrestlers that I was commenting, and then I was like Wikipedia-ing them.

And then like some of the stuff you Wikipedia, you're like, you found out like one thing, you're like. Allergic to dust mites. Well, no, man. You're like, this guy's girlfriend went missing? It was like shit like that. You're like, I better not bring that up um so like i'm doing i'm like i'm making a list of shit not to bring up you know uh like so like so i'm i'm i'm with this other guy and

and half the promotion was run by uh juggalos like because they're all into wrestling okay there's juggalo championship wrestling this wasn't part of it there's a lot of this big festival there's a lot of juggalo i wanted to do it i think i was rejected this year uh now it's like i used to like be excited i got into montreal now i'm getting rejected from gathering the juggalos so it's funny i've been to montreal three times i can't get in a gathering of the juggalos. That's how much my star is fucking dimmed in this business. Anyway, so I'm like, all right, I know this stuff is to say,

I know how to be respectful, this other stuff, but the one thing they tell me not to blow is because they had some wrestlers scheduled and he bailed. So they replaced him with Sabu, who's a big wrestler, and it was supposed to be a huge secret. And right before I went on stage, Sandman did a segment where he drank a beer and beat somebody out with a cane.

And his whole gimmick, he kind of did Stone Cold before Stone Cold. I mean, Stone Cold's way better, but I don't think even Sandman would admit that. But he drinks, smokes cigarettes, he beats himself. And his whole thing is he's like, I'm a drunk i'm doing all this shit right um and then uh so i start doing the match and i said hey and that just happened right so i go hey and if any of you guys want uh you want a beer you go to the bar and go uh get a beer with sandman and then i get off and this juggalo dude goes you fucked it up and i'm like what he goes you let it out i was like what are you talking about he goes you just said sabu's over there and i had said sabu instead of sandman

it was the big surprise the night and everybody saw me you fucked it up you fucked up joey janelle was like did you fuck it up and i'm like yeah i guess it's cool man it's fine he was actually pretty cool but everybody else was like giving me dirty looks and i'm afraid i'm gonna get my ass kicked by these guys so i literally like grab my bags and leave out of the side of the building and hail a cab and leave without my pay because i'm nervous they're all gonna be like run out of town like the monorail salesman and the fucking simpsons like burned a brick and then i remember i did the bruce pritchard roast and i'm doing the r Flair roast. It's actually, we'll probably be on Fight Network by the time this is on.

And I remember I was like, I have to kill this Bruce Prichard roast because that was such a fucking embarrassment. And I had done stuff for the rigor with wrestling, but my first actual entry into the wrestling community was so horrendous, I need to do something. And that went well. But it was, but thank God that,

I think that the reason that went so well is the other thing went so terribly. Yeah. Because I don't think people understand. People are like, oh, you never burned bridges in this business. No, that was a situation... I'm never going to be asked back to do commentary.

I remember I did get asked at WrestleMania. I don't believe that, though. Not for something like that. Well, maybe... It depends on what you do and where you go. I did get asked to do commentary for a lower... They were really nice guys. Depends on what you do and where you go. I did get asked to do commentary for like a lower, like, uh,

they were really nice guys. Uh, and then, uh, but I was laughing about it cause it was like some, some like wrestling event in like Ridgewood, New Jersey or some shit. And it was like called pizza party wrestling.

And they wanted me to do commentary. And I asked, you know, for like little money, but I really just wanted to, cause I wanted to prove myself again. I just, I was like,

Hey, you know, pay me like a fucking a hundred bucks and pay my train fare to richfield and then they like and it was like three weeks before the event it was the most professional letter i've gotten out because we're sorry but pizza party wrestling will not be uh have the budget we had this year and it was like very professional i was like no worries man don't worry but it was just so funny pay you in pizza i've gotten like literally i've gotten i have gotten i have gotten less professional rejections and emails and ghosts from multi-millionaires but the guy who's running pizza party wrestling classiest motherfucker in the world that's for

show business that's true you own a home in malibu they won't get back to you but you're in your mom's basement they're gonna make things right that's fucking great i'm sorry to hear you ruin the dream job i don't believe it you'll be back they'll be telling that story one i don't know sometimes you know sometimes they're like you'll be back and it usually means like everyone so i think that's the problem with america is that like sometimes they're like no man keep trying keep getting up and i was like some people shouldn't some people should just give up and like go to trade school like and weren't a skill like not everyone's gonna fucking win an oscar sorry that's true you know what i mean like

that's that's my whole problem with the secret because if everyone believed in the secret it would have no result the whole point of the secret is you being optimistic while everyone around you is negative and envisioning stuff but if everyone did that then there would still be the same fucking results there would still be the same fucking results. There would still be winners and losers. That's the secret about the secret right there. That's the secret about the secret. So just be happy.

Get a fucking Roth IRA. Jesus Christ. Do you want to talk about the last year? Oh, well, yeah, the last year was rough. You're like, oh, want to talk about the last year? Oh, well, yeah. The last year was rough. You're like, oh, you can talk about whatever. It was rough this year. I had a couple friends.

How old are you, first of all? I'm 35. Okay. And I had a couple friends of mine pass this year. One of them is hilarious comic, which everyone knew, was Kevin Barnett, and that was brutal. And was just the funniest, nicest guy in the fucking world and i don't know if you ever got a chance to meet him i only met him a couple times i didn't know him though but i could tell by the outpouring of love greatest greatest guy ever greatest guy ever um

you know and i remember the day it was like two days after he uh had uh passed and i was out with you know you know benji the stand-up comic Benji and we went out to Hillstone in New York City to eat we always have like these like fat ass dinners and I remember like four I was so depressed I ordered it was before I was going to do this bell house show and at the knitting factor I know the bell house show that night like the Lucas brothers put together this big show so I get to the restaurant I'm with my friend benji and i you know i'm not drinking something like i'm gonna eat till i get over my shit and i order a bowl of new and clam chowder um it's a hawaiian ribeye steak with a stuffed baked potato and i think i like spinach artichoke take i'm not sure and then an ice cream sundae at the very end of it like and this is like 11 30 a.m like an 11 30 a.m lunch

and the waitress just gave me a look like what are you oh is are you sure like and she's like i'm actively she's like she's questioning the money she's making she's like are you sure and i i go my friend died and i just said and then she goes she goes what and i go, my friend died. And I just said it. And then she goes, what? And I go, you want to see? And I took out his obituary from Variety or Oliver. She goes, no, I don't need to see. And then I guess she felt bad. So she brought out the ice cream

and suddenly at the end with a candle sticking out. And I'm like, it's not my birthday. If I make a wish, does he get to come back? It was brutal. And then we and we went to florida we went to florida for the for the way for the wedding for the funeral it was beautiful and i was really glad i got a chance to go there and see all his friends and be with people and there was one guy that like because their birds were chirping his nickname was like bird ogre and like all these birds are chirping you guys see that that That's a sign. I'm like, yeah, or it's just fucking birds. We're outside

and there are birds. But yeah, that was tough. And then I had a friend of mine, actually from that rehab who passed away I think last July and that sucked.

What, he or she? He. What did he pass away from? He had lymph she he when he passed away uh he had lymphoma um so he passed away but he was you know in his 50s um so that was kind of crazy and then like like six months before that or or eight months or maybe even a year could have been that long but my therapist died and it's the closest i've been to a therapist and i remember he's like you'll be fine and then two weeks later i'm like well you weren't you know so it's just there was a lot of death this year i say uh it happens like that i feel like at least in my world it seems like like death comes in and and does this sweep yeah around you and then it disappears for a while and then it comes back and a few more people and then sooner or later

you're caught up in that motherfucking broom oh yeah hopefully later um i'm hopefully later yeah dude i'm getting uh yeah yeah i'm getting i'm ready for it you're ready for it. You're ready for it? I don't know. I mean, I feel like I've had a good life, you know? You're 36, you said? I'm 35. But, you know, it's like... I'm trying to give you another year. You don't want it. I've known love, you know?

I've been able to have fun on stage. You know, I mean, sometimes you're like, I think I'll be all right. No, no. Look, I'm 46. I didn't have a kid till i was 41 wow yeah think about that you still have six more years to get to that and then a whole new world starts you don't know if we're gonna do that though it's okay if you don't i'm just saying in six years a whole new beginning began i guess i'm kind of looking forward to getting old though it's like you see like these guys it doesn't sound like it you're wrapping up i don't care like you watch

like have you ever seen mel gibson in real life like i saw him like i saw him like on a studio once and he's like on like hgh and he's like his face is like god you know he's got like this hot young wife you know and you're like you're like this doesn't seem natural no you know like i feel like eventually you're just supposed to kind of fall apart you are yeah i feel like people also all these plastic surgery nightmares you see in their like late eight uh ages that if they just would have aged naturally they would look better now than they depends now though but the thing with plastic surgeries things have had surgery what they realize and i think it's like like a lot of these girls that look good now with plastic surgery because they just do like a little bit at a time so you don't notice it as it goes along

maintenance all the way yeah and then all of a sudden you see him at 55 and you're like wait how do you still look like that and it's like well they've been just doing maintenance you know it's not like you know back in the mickey work days or it's like you'll get a fucking goldfish afterwards you know dude uh we are there uh i just want to say thank you for thank you man this is super fun i appreciate it man and i'm glad you hit me up and uh thank you for being open and honest i know of course absolutely i and what they don't know is that in the middle of this podcast i ran out of the room to take a shit so I was real professional guys I was real professional that is a true story

will you one more time please yeah my album No Real Winners here is on all things comedy I just did the Require Roast so that should be on the Fight Network at this point short road for all is going to be out on Comedy Central I just did the Ric Flair roast. So that should be on the Fight Network at this point. Short Road for All,

Turnitino is going to be out on Comedy Central. And then I have dates. I think this month I'll be in San Fran. And then I have other stuff going on. And Total F and Mark is my wrestling podcast. I don't know if I said that or not. Danceatyourmain.net. You'll get all that stuff.

Thank you, brother. Thank you. Thanks for coming on. Dude, thanks for having me. You're awesome. Thank you, man. I am Ryan Sickler. RyanSickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media we'll talk to you all next week