The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Dan St. Germain - St. GermainDew

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

This week, my HoneyDew guest is Dan St. Germain! Don't miss his latest special, "Dance Fatty, Dance!", now available on YouTube. You can also catch him on shows like "This is Not Happening", "Conan", and "The Roast of Ric Flair". Dan joins me to Highlight the Lowlights of grappling with sobriety, recounting his recent relapse, the role alcohol has played through his family, and the loss of his mother. From performing comedy at a detox center to becoming a patient himself, Dan describes his experience with rehab this time around. He candidly shares a moment when his father's alcohol-induced illness led him to believe Tina Fey was pursuing him. Delving further into his emotions, Dan opens up about the guilt he's wrestled with since his mother's passing. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: The Farmer’s Dog -Get 50% off your first box plus free shipping when you go to https://www.TheFarmersDog.com/HONEYDEW

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the night pan studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, Ryan sickler.com and Ryan sickler on all your social media. I'm going to start this episode like I start them all by saying thank you, whether you've been here or whether you're new here. Thank you for whatever you do and however you support me for real, whether you're coming out on the road or watching the way back

or the honeydew or the patron, whatever it is, the crab feast, the specials, all of it. Thank you for real. And if I am in your town when you're around, I'm going all through the year. Get your tickets at Ryan sickler dot com. Come see me live. And if you got to have more than I'm telling you, man, you got to have the Patreon. It's I'm keeping it five bucks a month. It's been that way for years.

And it's this show with you all. And I mean, we just talked to a dude that just lost his hand. And when I say just lost his hand, he held it up and it was wrapped. It wasn't there anymore. Like a couple of days ago it was, and now it's not. He's in the hospital talking about it. Like it's insane. Five bucks a month. You get the honeydew a day early. You get it ad free at no additional cost. It's worth it. It's a cup of coffee. You get hundreds of episodes. All right. That's it, man.

You guys know what we do here. We highlight the low lights. And I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have this guest back on the honey. Do ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dan St. Jermaine. Welcome back to the do. Glad to be back. Thank you, dude. People talk about this podcast like me on this podcast, people reference it all the time when I'm on the road.

Is that right? Yeah, man. Makes me feel good. This is one of the top, this is a heavyweight contender in the podcast world, brother. That's nice to hear. Yeah. Well, it's great to have you back. Before we get into whatever we're going to get into, plug it all, buddy.

Right. Well, the big reason, should I look at the camera? Yes, you right here. Like all of a sudden when I have to be professional, it's just like I'm so relaxed when I'm not. But when I'm like, please come see me this day, there's a fucking gun in my mouth. Yeah, I have a new special dance fatty dance. It's out on YouTube. Totally free. 800 pound girl also helped with it.

So check it out, man. My half hour Comedy Central ones up there, too. But I'm really, you know, trying to get the views up for that. So please check that out. I have a podcast working stiff. It's a wrestling podcast used to be called Wrestle Rose, but we just changed it. And me and Sean Donnelly are going to be coming out with a podcast

sometime this summer called Burbs Bros. Story about like whack, you know, like UFO landings, orgies all in the suburbs. So there you go. There you go. We were talking about what to talk about. And your last episode was about addiction. It was about relapse. Guess what?

I wish I could say that that chapter of that book was closed. Don't worry, Ryan. Don't worry. Well, the big dog is back in the yard. What does that mean for you? Let's talk about it. Well, I big dog is back in the yard. What does that mean for you? Let's talk about it. Well, I have six months sober again. Again. But how long were you clean and sober prior to that? I well, I was kind of doing the L.A. sober thing for a little bit, which I was smoking weed quite a bit.

OK, then I was having panic attacks. So I was on actually the I was writing for Michelle Wolf show, The Break, and I started having panic attacks. So I started taking Xanax and I got it. And continuing the weed or cutting the weed out? Yes, both together. And I got addicted to Xanax. So I had to go to detox for that. Is that right? That's another story. Okay, I don't want to make that another story because I didn't know there was a thing for that. Is that right? That's another story. Okay, I don't want to make that another story because I didn't know there was a thing for that. I'm scared of these pills.

I sit across from so many people that tell me about these pills and I'm a person that's going through all this back stuff where they're like, hey, you could have these. If I were you, I would be a skeleton, for sure. And I'm like, I beat myself up and they're like, if you're hurting, take one. If you're a person who can take one, take one. If you're a person who can take one, take one.

If you're a person that can take one, it's a great drug. I am not a person that's just can take one. I sit across from a lot of people who can't. So what is Xanax addiction? What happens? Well, if you've never had a Xanax, it's like an air condition turns on inside your body. It's just a nice cooling.

I'm already pro-Xanax. I'm already I'm like I'm like pro is hand. I'm already I'm already helping out the pharmaceutical industry. That's an interesting getting off Xanax is the worst thing physically I've I've ever gone through. I've had covid like three times. Like I take covid a hundred times again over what getting off of Xanax. What do you have to do to get off of it? You have to go to a detox and taper off.

So they give you a Klonopin in the beginning and then they take you, they give you a couple more and then eventually you're not. So in detox, I was fine. It was like this really nice tech detox shout out Ascended, New York City. But really, it was a really nice place. We, you know, typical detox, we're making like little masks,

like drawing masks, like this is the mask we wear in society, you know, but it's only a six day endeavor. Interestingly enough, it's the same detox that I've done stand up in. It was this gig in New York where you get 100 bucks and you do stand up. So some of the nurses recognized me from there. And they're like, are you doing a set? And I'm like, no, not this time. So I did.

I took Benzos. We got a bunch of free. It was a great detox, a bunch of free food. You're allowed to vape at certain times. It's great. I didn't have a roommate for most of the time, so that was great. And what's how long are you there? You're only there for five or six days.

OK, so I thought I was out of the clear. I see. So you feel good there. Then you leave. And now it's real. It just feels like your entire chest is caving in anyone who's gone through it. A friend of mine who was on the street addicted to heroin said, I'll take heroin withdrawal over detox over it. A friend of mine who was on the street addicted to heroin said I'll take heroin withdrawal over detox over it. That's us every time. And I was only taking six or seven a day.

She was she was taking like 12, you know, like one milligrams. What's it? And what is Xanax? Is it just a relaxed? Yeah, it's just a lot is a value. Dude, it doesn't like you're never going to hear a story about like,

you know, motley crew taking a bunch of Xanax and then beating a girl with a swordfish or something like that. It's not that anything. It just makes you feel like a rich person from Connecticut. You know, you're just like kind of everything is just OK. Oh, this is cool. All right. Oh, this is cool, too. Well, you get way higher on weed than you would on Xanax.

Xanax is just, you know, but the problem is it blunts some of your creativity. And when you have it with alcohol, there's a lot of people that have overdosed because they've had alcohol and Benzos and that combination, even if you have a small combination, could kill you. Benzos, besides alcohol, is the one drug from withdrawal that can kill you. So, yes, that's the only one. So like everything else, you know, crystal meth, cocaine, heroin,

and cold turkey get out of that. But you cannot with alcohol. You cannot with benzos. You have to taper off those. So that's the big difference. Learn a lot here on this episode. Yeah, man, it's becoming Dr. Drew. OK, but now that you're five, six days off of this, but under the care of people who know how to do this.

Right, for sure. Now they're like, good luck to you. Good luck. Right back into the same neighborhoods and social circles, et cetera, et cetera. Well, I got rid of the number of the guy that was getting me Xanax from the dark web, which I didn't go on because I'm like, I don't want to like accidentally go to the,

you know, child porn. And what I mean or anything, we're going to believe that. That I don't know. But I mean, the state or the state secrets room, you know what I mean? But there is like, like, like dark dark web you can get, like you can go buy a tiger on it, you know, it's like one of those type of like there's just a walllessness. I didn't realize there's also like the deep web that's under the dark web, which will probably be like a Netflix 10 part documentary series.

So I stopped. I got rid of that number and I was just smoking pot. I started smoking pot again. I don't think it was this trip that I did the honey do the last time, but I came. I came back to L.A. I sold I had sold a show with Jermaine Fowler, very funny guy. I don't know if he's ever done the show. We sold a show to Adult Swim, and I started writing for Bill Burr's Amoral Compass, that sketch show.

And I was just smoking weed, kind of enjoying it, and then COVID hit, and I ended up smoking pot around the clock. I had a cousin of mine who would sell tincture, but he made it from like grain alcohol in the woods. And this stuff would like, whew. It was like the most like moonshine way you could do weed because I wasn't in the city.

I was in Massachusetts. And that was the only way I could get stuff. But eventually, you know, smoking enough, you get bored. So I started drinking again. One night in particular, this was kind of heavy. So I'm gonna preface that story with this, is that I guess I drink a lot of vodka. I don't remember what happened, but I blacked out.

And apparently my dad was there and he would him and my he was sitting on my chest because I was trying to grab a knife to kill myself. Whoa. So that was I've never talked about that on a podcast. So I don't have a lot of stories. Unfortunately, they're all tales from the crypt like stories about my wife, about my life. But my my my dad and my my my my mom, my my dad and my wife were kind of keeping me

from doing that. I don't remember it. I don't I've had do you have they told you had. Do you have, they told you what you did? Yeah, they told me the next day. But when did they know in the moment that this was serious, that you really could have hurt yourself? I think I was screaming about demons and I wanna kill myself.

That'll be the, that's usually the, the endicator. Those are too strong endicators. Remember before this, remember before this pod and I'm like, I don't know if we're gonna have anything to talk about. It's just a bench. I'm like, I don't know. There's really not much that's happened.

You're even about demons, and I wanna kill my CEO. That was it. It was either I was doing that, or playing Batman Arkham Asylum during the pandemic. And you don't remember it. I don't remember it. Can we talk about that for a second? Like you're like it blows me away about our minds and the way things work

that you could actually be so serious about wanting to take your own life. And then you can't even remember it. No, I mean, I had, you know, in college before, I don't know if I talked about this last night, but my friend walked in on me in a tub with a knife and he, instead of being like, are you okay? He goes, what do you, you still take baths? What do you say?

See, like totally missed what was happening. He didn't know it was like a cry for help. And then I tried to hang myself on like a clothesline, but it was like a clothesline. So it was all these like futile attempts in college. But I guess I was more serious about it this time around. Luckily, it didn't happen. I am not suicidal when I am sober.

Are you every time that you're drunk? No. No, no. But the other times I've drunk, the problem is this opened up kind of like, you know, this opened up, you know, the ectoplasm chamber and Ghostbusters or something like the ghost started. So I would have these disasters, you know, where I would be. And this was all during Covid where I wasn't working like I wasn't.

You know, there was there was really not a lot. You're not really in the writing world, but there was not a lot of shows being written at that time. I did go back to write on the Bill Burr one, but there just wasn't a lot of stuff going on. And I had like my wrestling podcast and my wife. And that was it. And this is a kind of also convert like this seems like two things can be. Me and my wife like fell in love with each other during the pandemic.

We married beforehand, but we kind of realized like, oh, this is because like whenever I'm sober, it's great with us. You know what I mean? It's fantastic. It's she's the best thing that ever happened to me. But what I'm not it's, you know, and know, and that's why I'm kind of dedicated this time never to drink again, because I don't want to lose her. But I get, you know, one time I blacked out and I woke up, this was like around New Year's,

I was freezing in my car and my wife and my, I have a whippet chihuahua, she was trying to pull me out and I had opened up my phone and I had put a pain clinic in Florida in my GPS. So I guess when I was blacked out on that New Year's night, I was going to drive to Florida to try to get OxyContin. These are kind of the decisions that I make when I'm drunk.

So I would have these situations where, and then I think I got about a year where I wasn't drinking but I was still smoking pot around the clock and then my mom died. My mom died. I'm not I can't get into the total details. I can tell you we put her in an assisted living facility because she couldn't live on her own because of alcohol abuse. So she had kind of been exhibiting the early signs of wet brain. What's a wet brain? More dementia, it's like a form of that.

From the alcohol. Yeah, she was... Doesn't that scare the fuck out of you, dude? Well, it does, but you know, I mean, I'll use this example. All right, like a heroin addict, right? Because I've never done heroin. But I think this is similar to why I drink.

They're like they see their best friend overdose and they're like, instead of scaring it, they go to the drug dealer and they go, hey, man, give me what that gave me that shit. And I think that, you know, my coping message mechanism is just to get drunk and do cocaine or pills or whatever the fuck I was doing. So my mom had kind of had a psychotic break after my dad and her divorced.

She was peeing like every couch in her house. Black mold had trance, had had kind of grown throughout the entire house. So it was unlivable. It was a tear down when we got it. I guess there was some guy that was she was hanging out with

who was just giving her this liquor. We had tried to put her in. I tried to put her in rehab. It didn't work. I would try to incorporate her on Thanksgiving's. It didn't work. I would try to incorporate her on thanksgivings. It didn't work. Eventually I broke and I like didn't talk to her for a year.

And I, you know, one of the things that I'm still not over is I had blocked her number, you know, because I just couldn't deal with this anymore, you know? And then I had unblocked and I found all these messages from her from that year. So I listened, you know, like 12. So she was trying to reach out. And is that the way it happens if you block someone and they, I guess.

I never blocked some unblock it. It's all there. There are all these mess. So like here in that, you know, I felt like, God, should I have been there more? But, you know, my my sister and my dad had been kind of like, you know, they had set up more boundaries than me. And then eventually, you know, the time they put her in that facility, I wasn't talking to her. I found those messages. I obviously felt terrible.

But, you know, you have to understand, I've been doing this for three years with her, and it was like, you know, I felt like, OK, well, maybe I put her in rehab. I've been trying to incorporate her. Maybe me and my dad put her in rehab. Maybe if I stop talking to her, that'll get her to stop drinking and realize this is a bottom and stuff like that, because she basically said on the phone, I'm going to I like drinking more than you. And I would keep she said that on the phone to me.

So, wow. Like I was like, OK, maybe maybe if I stop, maybe if I stop, she'll stop. Maybe if no, if I'll maybe if she maybe if I stop talking to her, she'll. But that didn't happen. She got worse. So, you know, eventually they like, you know, she stopped calling me on birthdays. And my what's that feel like? I mean, it's rough. Are you close to your mom? Now, this is growing up. But but to hear I like drinking more than you.

This isn't a person. It's not a man. That's it's not a man. It's not another one of your siblings or I mean. It's tough, Ryan. It's very tough. It was, I wish I had done more.

I mean, I still don't, I guess I don't have a lot of anger because I still see so much of myself in her. And I wish I could be compassionate to her, you know, the way my wife is compassionate to me. But I tried, you know, and eventually it was this thing where I just couldn't, you know, I couldn't, I couldn't break my wall to like get, or she couldn't break her wall. There was walls, like for instance,

like I took her out to eat once at a Christmas and like around then like Christmas Eve or something. And I finally said that something happened to you when you're younger because you know, I had a I guess I had a great uncle that had like, you know, I don't know what he was, but he was a, you know, been accused of like sexual predation or something. And she said, no, nothing happened to me. And as she's saying, no, tears are just streaming down her face, but she's not moving her face.

So there was a lot in my mom that like, she will, she would, that I'll never know that she never let the world know. And I think she was on a lot of pills before she died as well. But yeah, I tried to cut up that boundary and then, you know, by the time I had like let her back into my life, you know, this was a couple years ago, it was like kind of more as a sick person because she had lost a lot of cognizant.

Some days she'd be great, other days she wouldn't be great. Like her schedule, she would have just have like big black circles where the schedule would be. Like she couldn't really write. And this was a woman who had her masters. And talk differently. All I can describe is if you notice somebody like Kurt Angle talked differently after the pills,

my mom was starting to like kind of talk differently. And I wasn't talking to her. My sister, who hadn't been talking to her now. We kind of tag team. She's like now was talking to her. She had like my mom wasn't picking up the phone. So, you know, they called the police and the police came to her house for a welfare check, and she was like on under newspaper,

you know, like booze everywhere. And that's when we're like, okay, well, we have to put her in this assisted living facility because she wouldn't go to rehab. I said to her, rehab or assisted living facility. And I don't think she realized what she was doing. But then, so she's like this woman who's in her mid-60s and she's living with people who are in their 80s, you know,

which was so sad. And so wait, now you said to us that you can't go cold turkey on the alcohol Your mom's in it is such an exceptional level. So when they put her in this assisted living facility Do they allow her out? Well, they also they can I know they did and there was no alcohol and luckily I guess she hadn't gotten to the stage where where she was like

She was so sick into it that she's in hindsight. We probably should have gone to put her in a detox first and then moved. But I guess she hadn't had enough yet where she was like she didn't detox. I think that they like they also monitor stuff there for when I don't really know. This is a living facility is a whole different thing that I somewhat can't talk about right now. I'll tell you why after the podcast But

We kind of moved her to the this assisted living facility I would basically come by to just you know take her to doctors appointments once every three months it was all and then take her out to eat and it was you know very painful and I don't think she wanted me around and I didn't want her around and You know, I still feel bad about it but like the one of the you know, the last time I saw her when she wasn't in a hospital bed was You know on Christmas Eve I brought her presents and I was gonna take her out to eat on Christmas with my wife and

she just told me to leave. Like, basically, I go fuck myself and, you know, kind of kicked me out. And she didn't say I go fuck myself. She said, I don't want to be around you, you know, leave. And then I called her to talk about it. She didn't remember it. And she said, Oh, I love you. And when I went back, I saw she hadn't opened any of the presents,

you know, when we were cleaning out her room or whatever. So this was this is kind of a sob story, I guess. Well, the show is. Yeah. So yeah, that was it was very hard. I'm still dealing with it now. Of course, this kind of led to me just. There was there is a horrible accident, which I can't really get into. But anyway, with the.

Yeah, I'd say what type of accident, a car accident? No, there's a horrible accident, something that happened at the facility. And long story short, she she was she died a couple of five days later. We had to pull pull the plug. I don't I don't really want to get into the particulars, but you know, like it was at that point, kind of we read her living will. And she, you know, in this state, she would not want to.

So that led to me then really kind of, you know, taking up drinking and really going kind of balls to the wall. It did. And and then, you know, taking up drinking and really going kind of balls to the wall. It did. And and then, you know, and and. You know, I would. I would kind of try to do it after shows, so nobody because everybody kind of knew that I was, you know, all my good friends, like all my good friends know that I can't drink, so it's like I can't like come up to them and and then I would be fine.

And then other times, you know, like Dan Soder, great guy, great comic took me on the road and it's like, you know, doing it's going great. And then the next day, it's like I'm like fucking blotto. And he's like, what the fuck is happening? It was like up and down because I still have all these, you know, painful memories from from my mom's death. The whole thing was like a crazy couple of months where my step-uncle died and then my mom died

and then my aunt died. A girl that I like briefly dated passed away. Damn. It was like all in like a six month period. 20, 2023 was rough. Um so um yeah I had uh you know had thought I was doing the whole thing where I go okay I won't I won't drink whiskey. I'll just drink beer. Um but then that turns into like twenty beers and then I'm smoking five

joints or six joints a day and then taking 100 Milligram edible to go to bed. So You know, I just couldn't really do anything, you know, I didn't luckily I think I did only cocaine once I actually did after my special check out dance fatty dance on YouTube And dance on YouTube. Uh, and, uh, you know, I mean, like sometimes when I get drunk, it's just, I'm just drunk and I'm fine. Actually, there's no, like there's really like, it's either I'm fine and you don't

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goo. It's real healthy food. Get 50% off your first box of fresh healthy food at thefarmersdog.com slash honeydew plus get free shipping. Just go to the farmers dog dot com slash honey do to get 50% off. That's the farmers dog dot com slash honey do. Now let's get back to the do. So eventually like you know I took a couple I drank in September. I was sober until September through October. And then November found out some stuff regarding my mom's passing that I can't say on this podcast. But I tell you what, there's a lot you can't say. I can. I get it.

OK, I'm not like gyping your I mean, I'm sorry, screw your listeners. Some I found some pretty terrible news out. And you don't have to say it. I'm sorry, screwing your listeners. I found some pretty terrible news out. You don't have to say it, I'm just saying. I'm not, I'm not. I found some bad news out, which led me to really start drinking again. I was drunk on a radio show, my friend. I was drunk on stage.

I was, that whole week, I was kind of just off on stage. I was that whole week. I was kind of like just off on one and I realized I had to go to rehab again. So I went to rehab and I haven't had a drink since I've been out since I got out of rehab on. I had I had Thanksgiving and rehab, which is actually one of the best Thanksgiving dinners I've ever had. But I got I got out of there.

I got to say this a lot of people sat that chair and gone to rehab and every single one of them swears The food is fantastic. Oh, yeah. Well this one these these guys were really good. Shout out Weybridge recovery in Long Island The food not the hospitals rehab is Yeah, it depends on where you go. That's fucking hilarious. I mean, the place I went before in Seabrook Castle wasn't that great. That's the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. But this was, yeah, this was great, man.

This was, you know, the stuffing was phenomenal. See, here's what I love about you. Like, you come from, like I do, like this broken family. Right. You know, you're a thanks, but I'm saying a thanks, a Thanksgiving at your mom's could be your, or your mom telling you get the fuck out of here. I don't want to see you. Yeah. About the meal.

You're talking about not the everything with Thanksgiving with family and giving that right. The meal is one of the best I've ever had. Oh yeah. It was great. It was really good I'm giving you so much more, but when you got nothing else that motherfucking meal is everything I feel you so hard on that dude But it was delicious, I mean there's all about a lot of lifelong friends in rehab You know it was where I went to rehab this time was way nicer than where I went to college.

I have a whole new. Are you serious? Oh, for sure. We have a whole new trunk of junk about it. You know, I was in Long Island. So at any moment, I was expecting Billy Joel to drive through the wall. You know, and yeah, I stayed there for 21 days and then I came back. And, you know, since January, I've been going fucking full throttle with comedy again. I think that which I go insane with work

and then I could usually have a breakdown. So I'm trying to like not do that this time, but I've been, you know, I've done, you know, like since 2024, this is probably like my 40th podcast doing it to promote the special that comes out. And like, you know, like I've done is probably like my 40th podcast doing it to promote the special that comes out and like, you know Like I've done a hundred shows and I'm also Co I Co-created developed Stone Cold law this cartoon that's at peacock right now or Stone Cold Steve Austin

Joins a historically black law firm Stone Cold Steve Austin joins a historically black law firm, and it's an action adventure psychedelic romp. Me and Soder, Dan Soder wrote it, had a lot of fun writing it, and Stone Cold sold it with us. So that was crazy to have Steve like in the process being like, you know, like like if we have a good pitch, he's like, God damn, son, that was that was a hell of a pitch. That was bad. It's like, I think you got to put some sink on it.

You know, it was so surreal. That was a hell of a pitch that was bad. It's like, I think you gotta put some stink on it. It was so surreal. But it was me and just Soder trying to pretend to be men, you know, or I can be like, yeah, and then the best way to, you know, hunt an elk. And then I was being like, yeah, yeah, of course. So that's been kind of wild. But yeah, I've been trying to, you know, kind of get things back together since then, and I've been really fortunate, you know, like, I don't know if America likes me. I don't know if my family likes me, but comedians seem to like me.

So they've been able to I've been able to get on some really great shows like yours to, you know, hawk my wares again. I say this all the time. Like I didn't really feel like I was ever around my people until I started being around comedians. I think I completely agree with that. Okay. And I quit comedy for two years during the pandemic. But I also mean just like theater kids don't even like us.

You know what I mean? I've always looked at the theater kids like, no you're the weirdo, and they're like, no you're the weirdo, and I'm like, yeah you're right actually. Well you know what I think it is? I think theater kids, a lot of them like, like try to like put like put forth being complicated,

like we're complicated. And comedians are like, well, no, we're normal. And then you're like, no, you're not. You're fucking complicated. So I think that that I think that that's but I quit to stand up for like two years. I just started going back in 2022. How old are you now?

I'm going to be 40 in May. All right. So you got 40 years coming up. Yes. How old was your mom when she passed? She was 67. That's young. Yes. As young. And you know, she would have got more mileage out of it if not for alcohol. She would have been. I mean, there's no reason.

My grandpa, who died with a, well, I don't really want to go into the details of her death, but my grandpa died with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Is that her father? That's her father. All right, you have this in your blood, literally. Yes. Yeah, and he lived how old, 81?

80, 81. I mean, there are those people also that smoked every day since they were 13 and lived 102. You know what I mean? Like, I guess sometimes it just doesn't get people. I don't know. Our bodies are all different. But, you know, I overeat. I over, you know, drink. And I have a lot of stuff to lose right now. I have a wonderful wife. I have great dogs. I have, you know, a career that seems to be coming back. Does your wife, does her family deal with addiction at all? Does she?

My wife has stopped drinking because of me, so she's been very supportive on that. I don't really, I think every family has to deal with stuff, but I can't really go into my wife's family. I love my mother-in-law, my sister and brother-in-law. Who sounds like she put up with a lot. My wife? Yeah.

I'm saying. Talking about this now, she has. You know what I mean? She's put up with a lot and has been there for you. Not just said enough's enough and abandoned you left. Right. It's changed her also, you're saying, and she's not doing it anymore. For sure, yeah.

She's not doing it anymore either. Because she's like, I don't want to. She likes it a lot more and not drinking, but she also is like, I don't want you to have an excuse. What about your dad? My dad drinks too much. He's a playwright, so that's part of the job. Is that what he does? Yeah, he's a playwright and a writer. So he drinks too much, but he doesn't drink hard liquor.

He drinks beer. He drinks Coors Light, but he drinks probably too much of it. He's he's he's calmed down a lot now and older, because partially because he has diabetes. You know, a year before that, my dad had fallen because I mean, this is another fucking sob story. But my my dad had to take my my mom's dog because my mom couldn't take care of it anymore. And he was like pouring lean cuisine in a bowl for the dog, like didn't know like what the difference between human food and dog food.

And the dog had some hyperactivity issues and knocked my dad over and he like slammed against the ice. I took him against the ice. I took him to the hospital. We found an encephalitis and it went up to his brain and he was hallucinating for two weeks straight. So we were in. What is that?

I don't know what it is, an infection. In your like spinal cord or something? In his spinal cord. It spread all the way up to his brain. Like he thought Tina Fey was trying to kill him. I have a joke about that on my special. Of all people. Of all the people.

And my joke is like, Dad, if it's somebody from SNL, it's Alec Baldwin, you know? So that was, and then I had to make the decision because, you know, my dad's, the dog was unruly and he couldn't take care of the dog. The dog was attacking other dogs. We have tiny 20 pound dogs, you know, under 20 pound dogs. So we tried to rehouse the dog.

Then that dog attacked their dogs and the owner. And eventually, you know, I had to make the decision to put this dog down, which like this dog, you know, I still feel awful about it because this dog, you know, should, you know, like it was just nobody would take this dog and it was going to rip my dogs up, you know, and was attacking it. And eventually, you know, it was freaking out and it was just the saddest thing, you know, because I couldn't. It would have literally killed all my dogs, you know, so and nobody else would.

And it kept getting rehoused because it kept attacking dogs and people. And it was just, you know, that was rough. So this was all in the last couple of years. And then there was also a point where I had mentioned too, where I got off booze and I tried to, I was writing a horror movie, which very good. Scotty Landis, you know him, he was like supervising great guy.

He wrote Ma. We never sold it, but it was about like the psychedelic, this kind of like misery, but psychedelic misery. But I ended up like to seeing, cause I'd forgotten what mushrooms were. I started like just doing mushrooms again. And I was doing like an eighth a day for like a month or a quarter a day.

And then like I quit comedy because I'd gotten on stage and I had a set list. Well, this was like that day I didn't take any mushrooms but the psilocybin was I guess still in my head. So all the set list, all the words started like moving around and I started laughing and I got off stage and I didn't get on stage for like nine months after that. You just started laughing and walked off.

Not laughing, I was like, ha, like panic like that. And shout out to Eric Newman, who's a comic, who like saved my ass and went up there, but I just, I left, I didn't go on stage then for 10 months, I just focused on writing. I actually wrote that movie after that, and I was sober for that, but then went out. So my thing is like, I go, you know, I go kind of boss the wall workwise

and then I end up going out again. But. You know, it just it doesn't work for me. There are all these disasters. So so I'm still dealing kind of with, you know, my mom's death. It's been a year and two months, three months now since she passed. Do you have the voicemail saved?

I think I may have one or two, but. Do you ever listen to it? No, I mean, I still have her phone that my wife went through just in case there was any texts that, again, my wife my wife Stepping up to the plate and more ways, you know than everyone, you know one and not just my wife My friends have you know, like Dan Soder probably saved my fucking life in a lot of ways you know like in just just in getting me involved in these projects because

you know like if I want to be you know, like I really want to be honest like you know, I had I was I kind of had a hot moment in like 2013 and I was doing, you know, a variety comic to watch and all that shit. Then I ended up, you know, that kind of cooled off. I had a fox and then I went to, you know, kind of the writer's room guy and that kind of cooled off, you know, 2009, 2020. And I really was out because of the pandemic, not even that. I wasn't like, you know, showing up drunk to work or anything like that.

Or but it really was the pandemic. And then there's some, you know, like I was not getting there wasn't a lot of jobs. I wasn't getting hired. And, you know, luckily kind of sodors like, no, man, you're great. And I'm going to, you know, put you into the fold. So I have nothing but love for that guy. Yeah, he's awesome. Yeah. So like, you know, like so my wife, my family, my wife's family has been great. Me and my dad are still very close.

We've had a lot of issues regarding my mom's passing, but he's all I got left, man. So it's like I got to... When did he and your mom split? 2016 or 15. So they were married for a while. 30 years. Oh wow, holy shit.

So her drinking wasn't new to him or anything. No, but I think that what happened was is that there is kind of a unwritten rule that my mom was my dad's cheerleader, and then when that stopped happening, you know, and my mom was always a little emotional. A 30 years is a long time. A long time.

So what do you think or do you know? In my dad's defense, I'm just wanna say this right off the bat, in my dad's defense, like his diabetes numbers were going up with her. So I think that she would have killed him, you know? Like, so I think it had to end. Okay, so that's what I was gonna say was that

there was something that hit where it's like, it's got to stop. It's just got to stop. That was his health. He chose his health, and your mom was like, no, I'm going to drink myself to death. I think so, yeah. It very much hurt my dad, and it was weird seeing my dad date

again and all this other stuff. But my mom just. Was he dating again while your mom was alive? He was. And that, I think that kind of crushed her. But like she had lost a job. She had lost her job, and I think she was promoted to a job she couldn't handle. And I think that ego hit.

She just wouldn't leave her bed for a year. And then eventually it turned into, you know, her just going way nuts on the drinking and us trying to get her help and her refusing the help. And I kind of talked about that in the beginning of the podcast, putting her out in a rehab in Florida. So yeah, it was just it's kind of was like kind of a bleak, you know, unfortunately, the last, you know, seven years of her life were not pleasant, you know, and it wasn't pleasant for us either, you know.

You know, even like, you know, my marriage, which was wonderful, you know, our wedding was wonderful. And then, you know, the next day my mom just disappeared. So for a week she wouldn't return my phone calls. So the whole time I'm terrified that she's... And I think she was on one and then she finally calls back. She's like, I'm fine. You know? There she is. There she is, right? Oh my God. This happened the last time I was on here too. I was relistening

the episode and I was like, God damn it. So yeah, dude, it was... So can I ask you this? Because it's not something I'm familiar with at all. But when you have a loved one who passes in a facility like that, how do you she didn't pass in a facility, she passed in a hospital. But yeah, in a hospital. So then what happens now that you as the family has to come make your funeral arrangements? And I can't really talk about that.

We did have a service a week after that. There's some, you know, I just can't talk about the circumstances regarding the death. But yeah, I mean, after that, we ended up having like a luncheon, which, you know, I think- Can we say we, who comes to that? Her friends and family.

And unfortunately, I think it was a little rushed, and a lot of her family didn't, friends didn't get to show up. And that was something I kind of, you know, that created divide in the family over how this was this death was handled, which I'm not going to really get into who was on each side because they can't defend themselves. And I can't. You know what I mean? That's my only thing. It's like there was a schism, there was a fault. I do think I'm right, but they can't defend themselves. And so it's like it's it's it's kind of unfair to like get into the podcast because they're they can't go on the honeydew to defend themselves.

They go on the honeydew with you all, though. They'll be on the page around guys. Yeah. So then then, you know, like I said before, it was a year of every couple months I drank. I'd have a disaster and then so wait, let's go back for a sec. How do you celebrate your mom? You know, do you get a nice day? No, I mean, you had a lunch in that day. People did you speak? Did you get up and speak?

I did. Yeah, my friends came. It was was it emotional for you? Of course. Yeah, I started crying and, you know, I couldn't drink around people. So I was secretly drinking whiskey. Did your dad get up and speak? No, no. I spoke. My sister spoke. One of her friends spoke her cousin Sam Who's also was a rock, you know during this and then had to deal with her own mother, you know passing she spoke Where we had a lot of her pictures there You know, it's a good food. It was a good Italian food

My dad was kind enough to pay for it they had the food thing again. And you know, that was it. It still feels like this weird dream, you know, everything that happened. Is she still on your phone and all that stuff? Yeah, still on my phone. And I love my mom, you mom, despite everything that happened, despite some of the, she wasn't like,

some of the time she was pretty mean growing up, wasn't mean to my dad, and I think that's why. Were you an only child? No, I have a sister. And once she was starting to mean to my dad, I think that that's when he kinda got like, but she wasn't easy with us a lot of the times. I don't mean, I'm probably,

I probably wasn't easy with her either. But I wish every day I wish I could, I wish that I could, I always said I love you, but I wish I could like really express how much she was killing, like it was killing me to see her like this. You know, so if you have that with a family member, you know, like they talked about that and secession where they're like, you know all the say the things that are unsaid and there are some things that I wish I had said and

Unfortunately, I can't what do you want? What would you want to tell her? I don't know. I mean, I would have wanted to tell her, I always told her I loved her. I would want to tell her, can I help more? And she wouldn't. And I did try. I don wouldn't and I did try I Don't know what I would have said Ryan. I

Don't know but I do feel like I should have said something more I should have had her over more and I did in the beginning and then the drinking and the And kind of the men some of the mental illness got to be too much I Wish I kind of wish that, sometimes I was just taking her to, I was just showing up in the ways I had to in the sense of taking her to medical facilities

and taking her out to eat and stuff, but it wasn't fun. I couldn't create that. I was just too fucking sad, and she was too sad. Yeah, well, that's a sad fucking situation. Yeah It's like I don't totally blame myself to be a comedian 24-7. Well, it's not my job to be a dad to my mom That's a hundred percent. That's that's that's that's the thing. You're the no matter what it's not

so I had a try I had trouble I think trying to I Guess figure that out. So if I always told, I think, trying to, I guess, figure that out. So I always told her I loved her, but I wish I could say, you know, I guess more instead of like telling her how she should help herself, like what can I do to help you? Maybe that would be something I could say. So how do you celebrate her now? have the urn my sister did something on the beach a

couple months later and well you're gonna have to sit up with the cameras and I'm gonna catch you. This is like too heavy. I get it, I'm sorry. My sister did something on the beach like a year later and now, you know, I guess her Mother's Day and you know, it's all her birthday in May, which you know, we were right before.

Oh man, you got a birthday and Mother's Day in May. My birthday is right on usually right on Mother's Day. So did you do anything like spreader ashes anywhere, anything like that? We went to Key West, which I was way too drunk for. And again, another reason I shouldn't be drinking cuz You know like one of the producers there who was very nice I was like you're not trying to fuck my wife Are you cuz I got whiskey and I was like cuz I got this one of the night thing

the club I was And then I lost the check so so I had to ask the same guy to send me the check back. Not that's not I've never talked about that. Oh, so yeah, I was just drunk the whole time in Key West and going to piano bars and which is what my mom used to do, too. So maybe I was celebrating her that way. Which is what my mom used to do, too. So maybe I was celebrating her that way.

Yeah, I dumped the ashes in Key West, the place she left. And, you know, I had a nice oxy cotton after that felt really relaxed. But I don't think I'm going to go back to Key West anytime soon, because I don't think I'm obviously, you know, the problem is, is I get like, I think that I can drink like a Jimmy Buffett song and it's, you know, it's not a Jimmy Buffett song. It's a Tom Wade song. So let's talk about that because that's the next thing is like you're clean now. It's just great.

Yeah. But it's one of those things, man. Alcohol just does catch up. Well, it's tough. I mean, some things, too. I want to smoke a lot. But I'm saying alcohol specifically, it's going to get delivered. It's going to get you somehow.

It's going to get you. I can't anymore. My wife told me I don't have another one in me. And I've seen, look, I've seen, I just talked about my mom. You've seen everything that happened to her. Well, I like the choice that you're making, because your mom said I like drinking about my mom. You've seen everything that happened to her. Well, I like the choice that you're making because your mom said, I like drinking more than you. And you're saying, I like my wife more than drinking.

Yeah. Yeah, I do. Although every once in a while, you're like, can I just throw it all away? My wife, my career, you know? How do you deal with it out on the road? And then I haven't, well, I've been on the road the last couple of months. Well, I don't say I don't drink. I haven't drank.

I haven't had alcohol since January of 2023. Oh, just made a conscious decision, but I smoke a lot of weed. Yeah. I wish I could do that. Okay. However, I've, I've struggled with the that I've had more lot of weed. Yeah, I wish I could do that. Okay, however. I've struggled with that. I've had mortgages for weed. When I get to the clubs, I'll go check in at like three with Kirsten. We'll figure out where to set up merch or whatever.

Introduce myself to everybody. And like, you wanna sit here and drink? And I'm like, no, man, it's three o'clock. I'm like, do people do that? And they're like, oh, a lot of comics do that. And I'm like, they'll just sit here and drink for four hours before their show. And I'm like, mm-hmm. And I'm like, do people do that? Like, oh, a lot of comics do that. And I'm like, don't just sit here and drink for four hours before their show. I'm like, Mm hmm. I'm like, God, I can't. If I did that, I would be on the fucking floor

throwing up, you know, honestly, I've been I've been I think I've like a lot of the emotions from my mom past have like created like this need for sleep when depression. So I've been sleeping a lot on the road. Like I was just dead. So I tell Kirsten, I go on the road to sleep. I really do. I went to Moon Tower and it's like, you know, I didn't.

I did all my shows and I was basically sleeping when I wasn't doing my shows. The shows are great. I got to open Ferrari and Shafir and the Paramount, which was awesome. And, you know, sometimes if I'm on the road to Dan, we'll go get some food and I'll come back. And then I have a lot of other things, dude. I'm like working on a lot of other shows. I'm working on a lot of other writing. And you know, even while I'm out here, I'm helping out with the roast of Tom Brady. I'm helping Nikki out with stuff like that. Nikki Glaser out. She's, I mean, she doesn stuff like that. Nikki Glaser out. She's I mean, she doesn't need it.

She's great. So there doesn't need me. He's great. I'm lucky that I've been able to kind of stand on the shoulders of giants, you know, whether it's, you know, Soder or Michelle Wolf or Jermaine or Nikki or, you know, anyone else, I've kind of been able to walk enough to. I mean, I'm pretty good to a pretty good stand up. I'm not going to tell. I'm pretty good. Check out Dance Fatty Dance.

I'm pretty good. But like, you know, I've been lucky in that the great, you know, some great people have been able to help me out. You know, so I'm trying to get, you know, I don't want to sell myself short. Like, I've done enough in comedy to know that I can do this. You know, I've done enough. I've done enough. Whether it's, you know, like fucking, you know, like, it's like, you know, you don't go get on Conan

like three times without thinking like, okay, you could probably do this. So it's like, don't fucking throw it away. You know, see what happens. See if something could happen. You're not a fucking millionaire right now, but you know, like, you don't have to, you're not a fucking millionaire right now. But you know, like you don't have to. You're not going to be on this if you, you know, the only I'm so terrified

about ending up on the street and ending up with nothing. But the only way I can do that is drinking, you know, like so. At least you know that. Yeah. I know it now in this moment, I know. I know. But it's hard to like, you know, intellectually realizing something and then living it are two very different things. So yeah, that's my thing now, is I just wanna not go back there.

And if that means I have to be boring, if that means that hopefully in five years from now, I don't have enough stories to do another honeydew. Yeah, well. Thank you for doing this one. Thank you. I appreciate it. Check out Dance Fatty Dance. I was going to say, plug it all.

Go ahead. Plug everything right now. Dance Fatty Dance. If you're a wrestling fan, I do. I didn't even get to tell you about, I roasted Ric Flair, which was kind of a disaster, but maybe that's in the future. I'll tell that story. But I have a working stiff wrestling podcast, formerly known as WrestleRose.

I'm going to be starting a new one, Burbs Bros with Sean Donnelly in a couple of months. So follow me on Instagram. I post like three videos on that every week. I'm my website, my tour, dance, I'm doing stuff. I'm going to be this week. This is the coming out. I'm going to be in DC and I'm doing stuff. I'm gonna be, this week, this is the coming out, I'm gonna be in DC and I'm doing various stuff in June and July too, you can all get on my website.

So thank you. You got it, bud. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Come see me on tour if I am in your town when you're around. Tickets are available on my site at RyanSickler.com. We'll talk to y'all next week.