The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Daniel Van Kirk

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Dan Van Kirk! DVK returns and shares a horrifying story about illegally driving at the age of 15 and his car crash that involved his whole family, including his grandma! He also talks about the time he intentionally lived with a guy named Raj but unintentionally ended up living with five of Raj's family members and a random guy who stayed in the living room. DVK tells a HoneyDew David Blaine story as well! Get Dan's new album, Thanks Diane, available everywhere! It's always a good time with DVK! Subscribe, download and review! Sponsor: Hurry to http://upstart.com/HONEYDEW to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate is.

Denver, I want to let you guys know about some dates. I will be at Comedy Works South, November 21st through the 23rd. Go to ryansickler.com, get your tickets now. Let's have some fun out there. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Upstart. More on that later. Let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew y'all we're over here at studio jeans doing it at your mom's house i'm

ryan sickler as always i'm ryan sickler on social media ryan sick.com. Head over to my website. Check out my out-of-town dates, my in-town dates. Denver, I will be at Comedy Works South November 21st through the 23rd. Go to ryanciclo.com. Get your tickets now. Sign up for that email list. And the website here for the show,

thehoneydoopodcast.com. That's where you can go and get everything Honeydew related. You can get your merch there, social media links, all that good stuff. Send me emails, whatever it is you want. Thank you all for reaching out, as always.

It means the world to me. I really appreciate you doing that. And engage with the sponsors. You guys ask all the time, how can we help? That's how you help. You engage with the sponsors. We can keep on doing this for you. All right?

It ain't free over at Studio Gene you know i'm saying so um if you're new to the show i say uh we highlight the low lights that's what we do here every week and uh these are the stories behind the storytellers i'm very excited to have my guest on today second time on the honeydew first time with video ladies and gentlemen dvk dan van kirk everybody welcome to the honeydew dan van kirk thank you welcome back to the honey that's right here i know i just was pretending that's over there off camera um thank you for being here dude thanks man thanks for having me back uh you know the deal plug whatever you'd like okay uh this the day that this drops on the 11th i will start the final leg of the together tour i started this about a year ago i've I will start the final leg of the Together Tour. I started this about a year ago. I've been breaking it up with legs of dates. And I will be in the 11th. I will

be in Nashville. And then the very next day, I'll be in Louisville. And then the 13th is Cincinnati. The 14th is Milwaukee. And then on the 15th, I'll be doing the final show of the Together Tour in my hometown of Rochelle illinois oh that's great yeah that'll be fun which is also the day my album drops you can pre-sale it right now if you're hearing this the day that it drops or you're waiting around till the end of the week then you'll be able to get it uh 11 15 drops on my first album it's called thanks diane you'll be able to get it anywhere that you get your album. Spotify, Bandcamp, iTunes. Just go to DanielVanKirk.com if you want one place to be able to grab anything

in which direction you want to go from there. And you can hear me on podcasts, Pen Pals with Rory Scovel, and Dumb People Town, which I've been doing for a while, with the Sklar Brothers. And that's it. Just get Thanks, Diane.

I would appreciate it. Yeah, get the album. It's fun i promise what uh what made you go with thanks diane it's a track it's a track in the in the uh i thought there's a part where i talk about how i've come to the realization i'm not a good adult like i'm doing this badly in certain areas and so then i i talk about how i wish my mom was here so that we could thank her and then it goes into a whole thing from there. Then you thank your mom, Diane. Kind of, yeah.

That's nice. Have you told her that yet? What? What it's called? Oh, no, yeah, she saw it when it dropped. Oh, she did, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she saw the hour when I did it in Chicago in like June.

So what venue, where do you go for your show in Rochelle? Like what do you do back home? We're hitting up, it's called the Hickory Grove. It's changed names like a hundred it used to be called the vagabond when i was the same building but it's yeah i haven't it's the same room where i had my prom is it really yeah dude yeah it's the same i've been to so many weddings that ended up being divorces in that same room i've been i have a couple friends i went to their first wedding in that room my cousin my i was my cousin got married had her reception there and the table i was sitting on completely collapsed while you were on it so her deal was i go you having an open bar at this wedding and she

said uh no we just couldn't afford it i go you having dinner yeah of course i go get rid of dinner yeah get rid of start with open bar every wedding budget should start open bar music then whatever after that yeah and so i told i go yeah i'm not paying for a drink at your wedding so i brought in a huge handle of jack and we're sitting there and the table full all everything you put on All that shit they put on a table at a wedding. The whole thing just collapsed. What kind of table? Just like your standard two legs in a big circle wedding. And then they put a cloth over the top of it so you can't see where some guy died.

And so the thing falls and it kicks out. And my Jack Daniels bottle goes boom. Like shoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah people are like look i'm like hey don't worry because i was just getting i was just getting coca-cola from the bar and then just pouring it in because i'm like i'm not paying and she's like well if they see you have that here i go i don't i don't care i don't care about that you have to have open bar at your wedding or have no bar because then at least they'd be like oh they must stand for something personal

in their life yeah like i can be respectable right right so uh yeah that's the room where i'm doing it it's a i guess it's technically called abraham's bar and grill inside hickory grove but it'll be there and it'll be it's low ceilings it's not yeah but it's the best you room i think you could do comedy and rochelle in so yeah that's it thanks that's exciting november 15th thanks diane november 15th available where all good music and everything else is available our buddy dominic del bene is producing it so tom blonde medicine and i hope people go check it out yeah blonde medicine's a great label that's good i'm glad you worked with Dom. Thanks, buddy.

All right, so on the way here, you told me before we started recording, your car broke down for real? Yeah, man. What happened? Where and where? Well, do you ever have this fear when you're out? Like you've been doing a lot of dates, and you come back, and you're like, either my electricity's going to be off,

or my car isn't going to start. Yeah, my home always feels different when I walk in. I'm worried. When I walk in, the first thing I look at every time I get home is my internet router. And if that light's flashing, I know the electricity's still on. Like I didn't forget something. And I always feel that way about my car. And the last couple times I've been like, my car is.

What are you driving right now? Dude, old. I'm rocking a. Toyota, right? Yeah, 2001 Toyota Camry. I went six and a half years without a car in LA. And then eventually I just said, well, I'll just get something. Just walking in buses in Metro.

I was like, I'll get something to just get me around. So then I just spent $1,500 on my Toyota. That's it? That's it. How long have you had it? Three years. Did you buy it from somebody you know? You did.

And so I just don't. I'm going to drive it until it goes in the ground i could have bought a new car the fact that you've had it for three years 500 bucks a year that's a steal you've already made your money on i know yeah so i just keep waiting for it to die and then i'll was there any indication or a heads up it just started overheating where where were you i just gotten off the one-on-one and so your is your car sitting somewhere out there no we're good right now yeah yeah don't get specific because we you know we can't let people know where we are over here uh so i just pulled off the one this is earlier today i just pulled off the one-on-one

and i just saw it starting to heat up and i used to have a chevelle and those were notorious yeah and so um i knew right away what was going on, so I just started blasting the heat, and no heat's coming out. And then I'm like, oh, fuck. So I pulled over, waited for 20 minutes, and then drove it half the way to the mechanic, and then it started again, pulled over, waited, and then I dropped it off there.

And that's where it's at right now. I almost called you, but I'm like, I can can't no so there's some people we would cancel on i had to borrow a car but there's some people we you would be like i'm sorry yeah you know but you wouldn't do that i love you i had uh as you know my 1990 honda civic with original rims and i had a hairline i couldn't figure it out it kept overheating overheating overheating and i would do the same thing. Pump the heat into 95 degrees. You're in there sweating. The air didn't work right anyway. But it's going through the canyon hills when a clutch, too.

You're just feathering it. Like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Yeah, all that. Dude, I had an old Grand Am when I lived in L.A. the first time. And it was probably, I don't know, it was a GT. So what's that? At least six cylinders, right? Maybe eight.

I don't know. It had three on. It had three. and i'd get up and go over those i was living in sherman oaks and i would go up those things like yeah and i'm like that's what killed the as soon as we could start coming down benedict canyon we were fine that's me too i get i i just i can put it in neutral let you cool down let you cool down you're talking to it yeah oh so we had a deal once we had a car window ac wouldn't work windows wouldn't go down and we would drive around rochelle call that the baby killer with the doors partly open and we were just kind of holding them out just to get some vent you'd have to that's honeydew life right there that is honey you got your own custom your own custom ventilation i uh so I'm looking into it.

I can't figure out why the fuck this car is overheating. And then the mechanic is sitting there, and he puts his hand. I used to say radiator, but he puts his hand on the radiator. And he's right near the cap, and I see it. I go, that's what it is. You're doing it. He's like, what do you mean? I go, well, when you guys work on cars, a lot of you post up.

And I could see that his hands pushed it enough that it was a hairline fracture in it so i put this uh that silver powder you know you put it in there supposed to clog a little like any leaks or whatever and then this up this guy's like he gives me this it's this black like poxy and i put it on i'm like is that really gonna hold he's like that should hold on the space shuttle and i was like all right let me tell you inside an infomercial this is a glass boat yeah that guy yeah i'm in a glass boat he puts it on never had a problem with it again that shit lasted until i sold the car really yep he fixed it right up he goes he goes you're right that is what it is we all lean on car. We tend to put our hands here.

And they're just plastic. They used to be aluminum or metal on the top. Now it's plastic. You lean on it. All it takes is a tiny little hole and it fucks your whole shit up. So yeah, I'm waiting to find out. I think it's just the hose. Have you had a lot of cars in your life?

No. You don't rotate through a bunch? Three. What was your very first? The Chevelle. The 72 Chevelle. And whose was it? Have you had a lot of cars in your life? No. You don't rotate through a bunch? I've only had three. What was your very first? The Chevelle. The Chevelle. 72 Chevelle. And whose was it?

Some guy in Appleton, Wisconsin. I bought it for $1,200. It was a four-door, 350 stock with a four-barrel carb, and I loved that car. So much. I'm lucky. What color? It was like a dark green.

But I'm lucky because a lot of guys have dreams of muscle cars. They'd love to get one someday or have one. Or they'd love to have the one that they always wanted or the one they used to have. Mine, I can get even a 70, 71, definitely 72, because that's kind of the last year of the muscle car. I could get that 350 four-door for very cheap because people don't want them. But I loved it. For me, it'd be great to have it back. That's kind of something.

And then after college, I bought that Grand Am. And I had that until I was on Sunset. I've never told you this story. I was on Sunset Boulevard and old garmin gps days right and mine was messing up and i was driving back to sherman oaks and i looked down at it just in time to look up not just in time actually a little too late to look up and see a Range Rover in front of me has stopped on Sunset Boulevard for no reason. There's no, there was no traffic. There was no anticipation of anyone breaking.

And I just hit the, just enough, just enough to get out, you know? And the guy gets out and it's this Australian guy and he's like, Oh, you hit me. like i'm so sorry and i i had at least had two or three drinks right but i was not drunk but i this is gonna go bad for me if it needs to and so uh he he's like looks at it and there's these two perfectly like symmetrical dents on either side of the license plate almost looks like i'll be honest with you i don't know if it was part of a pack yeah it doesn't yeah you couldn't tell and he's like well that he was he was the problem is it's a lease and i have no money ryan none this just you remember those days when you used to walk into the bar i don't know whatever job you're

doing it's friday and you would get you'd have 172 dollars in your account and you're like who fucking wants to go out tonight on 172 bucks and you'd spend 100 of it and be like okay i gotta i'm good for three full mornings yes and so i was maybe that maybe at that level maybe and so i'm like man i'll do what i just can't, you know, my insurance. And so he's like, well, I got to get it checked out. And then he calls me like three days later and I'm just sweating it. And he's like, hey, I took it to a person. I say it's going to be pretty expensive, but I'm going to take it somewhere else and I'll get a second estimate for you. And then I never heard from that guy again.

That's nice. And I don't know if someone killed him. from that guy again that's nice and i don't know if someone killed him i don't know what happened in his life that this became my situation became a lower priority but i think i'm thankful every day and i i looked it up like what's the statute of limitations on how long you can come back at somebody and say you ruined my car i think it was a couple years it's that long that's yeah but i was so nervous about that i was living the honeydew life then too this just happened to me just i took my daughter for her fifth birthday and my buddy shannon came out from baltimore with his daughter we did three days in disneyland and

three and a half days in disneyland that's great and then we wrap up on a sunday night we get all the way back to my place and his daughter had said like i really want to try in and out a youtuber i follow goes to in and out sometime and i just she's 11 and i was like yeah youtubers yeah different world over there so we go in and out we're sitting in the drive-thru and boom this guy hits me from the back and i'm so it's you yeah i'm so close to the wall here in the drive i can't get out so i'm like shannon get out and go see if he did any damage so he has to get out he's got an old jeep with a wench on the front and it didn't hit me hard but it like you say hit me hard enough and it shattered the it

looks like an eggshell shatter and it's now that it's getting colder it's starting to grow bigger and bigger and so he's like please i don't want this to go through my insurance and i was like look dude here's what i will say it is a lease same thing like if this is my car i wouldn't give a fuck but it's a lease and i'm gonna have to pay for this when i turn it in so i'll go get it looked at and then i'll tell you what they say and then you tell me how you want them i'll be that cool with that but after that so i'm still waiting for him to get back to me because i told him i think they said it was going to be their preliminary, which is always like,

Oh yeah, we got inside. There was a, some brackets and shit were broken. It's a thousand dollars, you know, but you know, you got a family of four living in there.

You got a rat. That's going to be hard to get them out. Um, so what about this? Uh, you had an accident. You said, well,

so I loved the first people should check out i was i think it was the first episode of the honeydew yeah and so we talked about a lot of times i was like oh well you're no i was the first episode of the honeydew well that's true yeah i was first guest that wasn't josh adam meyers yeah he was a guest host back then oh dang i feel like i'm trying to make you the first guest i feel like I contributed a lot. I'm trying to make you the first guest here. I feel like I contributed a lot, right? So, I mean, come on, man. I'm a big fan of the Nationals.

I've been staying in here for days. I hit him up about you saying he's a fan of the Nationals, and he said to me, I'm a fan of the area. That's what he said. I was like, get the fuck out of here. I'm more of a regional fan. I got the Oriole Bird, the Nationals, WN, the out of here. I'm more of a regional fan. I got the Oriole Bird, the National Club, and the state of Maryland. When I'm home, whatever towns they talk about on the weather forecast,

that's who I cheer for. If I'm sharing a cold front with somebody. A cold front. I'm more of a cold front fan. I'm rooting for the cold front. If you're in that area, man, i'm a fan of the cold front and we've had a we've had a winter storm warning together we got a squall out there today guys uh okay yeah so a lot of that was about broad strokes we talked about a lot of just big themes

in life i'm feeling like the honeydew this is This is one of those, just a specific time. So I was 15 years old. I think I was about to get my learner's permit because I took driver's ed that summer. And this happened on Memorial Day weekend. So I ride up to, my family's got a, don't call it a lake house, a little cottage, a little shack up in Wisconsin, about an hour north of Madison.

Now, are you driving with someone? No, not yet, not yet. Not yet. Okay. So I go up like a day early with my grandma, and we go up to the cabin. And then on Fridays, we go to Good Old Days Restaurant. That's all you can eat, fish and chicken.

Shout out to Good Old Days. On Friday night. And we go there, and my mom meets us at Good Old Days. She comes straight from Rochelle up to the restaurant. So that matters. So she gets there. She obviously hasn't unloaded anything in her car. Comes straight to dinner.

We go to leave. And I ride back to the cabin with her. And it is my grandmother, my youngest brother, Vance, sitting in the middle, in the back, and my cousin, Bobby, sitting behind the driver's seat in the back. I'm riding shotgun. And we get out. We pull out, and it is a straight road for at least two miles called County C. And so I go, Mom, is it okay if I drive?

Because up there, there's nobody. You can go, you know, when you're first, like, figure out how to move. So she goes, yeah. So we pull over. Now you have a learner's. No. You still don't legally have. You started driver's ed until summer.

Yeah, but also, like, in Rochelle and parts of Wisconsin, you've kind of driven something at some point in your life. I think, unless they change the law, in Illinois, you can get some sort of like a work license. Like you can drive a farm truck around the property at like 13 or 14 because it's part of, it's like considered farm machinery. I feel like mopeds were earlier age too, too you know but then you had go-karts right tractors right so she goes yeah so we pull over straight shot it had rained earlier that day but the road was dry and so we're driving and i'm going maybe 40 miles an hour and my mom asked me a question and i like look over at her and then i i get a little cocky i guess and i go to change the volume myself my mom has just gotten a brand new ford explorer

right that she got with like what she was left so she was left when my stepdad passed away, which I talked about on the other episode. So this was kind of like her real nice new car for herself, which she would have wanted her to have. Just got half. How long? How long had she had it? A couple months?

Yeah, maybe six months. Okay. So, and she... Still smells new. Yeah. Called Irish Mist. mist what color you think it was see irish i would feel like green but i would go with uh a mint red why i've never forgotten the name of that color because of that what it looked like like a burgundy like a dark like wine yeah irish blood why don't they just call it the

troubles so so uh we start driving i look over to the radio to like turn the radio and then my mom all thanks to diane but a little too much she goes she's like danny and i look up and the i veered you know just that you aren't good yet at keeping it straight when you aren't looking and i veered and the car goes off there's no shoulders the grass right there yeah because you're in these back wisconsin roads there's no shoulder not into the ditch yet but maybe it's like 18 inches of rain. And so I go off and then I don't know how to drive yet, so I overcorrect that and we

just start like this in the road. There's four people in the car. Five. Five. Bobby's behind me, Vance is in the middle, Grandma's in the back, Mom's next to me. And I'm just I'm like Chevy Chase just fell asleep driving. And so we're fish hailing all over and the And I'm just, I'm like Chevy Chase just fell asleep driving, you know?

And so we're fishhailing all over and the car is full of stuff for the holiday weekend. So things are flying all over. And then I overcorrect too hard again and we just start, and we are spinning. You're 360? Yes. Were you back on the pavement now? Yes. Well, I'm back on it.

We're fishhailing. I'm keeping it on. But then we just start spinning 360. And we just are people screaming yeah you do is it all slowing down to you or is it silent do you remember like it gets slow in a couple seconds which is probably one second because then we just start rolling you rolled are you i i can't believe I don't know this fucking story. We rolled. And is everybody's back then? Are they all buckled in or anything?

Well, we'll get to it. Grandma! You can see Grandma. There's Irish mist all over the road. You can see Grandpa, there's Irish mist all over the road. We're rolling, dude. Rolling. I'm like... Flipping side over side.

Boom. Barrel rolling. Holy shit. We start... As we're rolling, we're angling off to one side. We roll, roll, roll. Then we end up... If Iling off to the side like going off to one side and we roll and roll roll and then we end up if i can kind of give you the perspective we end up here's the road here's the ditch we're like this so we stop kind of like wheels into the ditch got it yeah i'm like the

road is like right right here it almost just be like this right and we stop and i'm like i get out the oh because my mom would come straight up she also had the dog in the car with oh my i know i know so the dog is now on top of me and i look up this way and my mom is just being held above me by her seat belt and i i like look and the window is cracked. And so I take my elbow and I break out the window and I, I, I, I throw the dog out, right? I throw the dog out on the road and it's like freaked out. And then I grab like this and I pull myself out of the car and I stand up and I look down left arm, and there's probably still some scars here, this left arm is covered in Irish mist.

Covered. I mean, because I broke out this. I don't know if it's from the window or what, and I'm not feeling anything. And I look down. My whole arm is red. And then right past my arm on the ground as i just got out this way one seat back like this is my cousin bobby who took his shoulder strap and put it behind him in the back seat and he had the window down and he is now outside of the window like hanging out

of it hanging out of it with the car like the top of the the roof of the car angled this way onto him and i'm like crushing him and i go bobby you all right and he's like it feels like the car's slipping like further down into the ditch and so not thinking at all i grabbed by the luggage rack and i just deadly i squat explorer but here's the thing i don't know if that gave bobby the feeling of it isn't going to go down on him any farther i can't i'm not going to sit here and tell you that i know i moved it an inch but whatever happened when i did that they say they say these stories of these moms or babies yeah but i don't know i i would i would you know me i would tell you i'm like i lift that fucker five inches like i don't know and I would, I would, you know me, I would tell you, I'm like, I lift that fucker five inches. Like,

I don't know. And so then Bobby kind of wiggles his way out. Right. And I tell him, go sit on the other side of the road. And I put, pick up the dog. I put the dog into his lap and I'm like,

give him something to do. I don't know why, but I was like, you're in charge of the dog so that he's not thinking about. So how hard his chest hurts. And so then i'm like okay i gotta make everybody yell to me and so i'm like vance there's no fire there's no smoke i go vance and he's like yeah and i go grandma she goes yeah and then i go mom she's like yeah but i'm stuck

so then i get all of a sudden there's nobody i was about to ask you at this point no one's even passed people start showing up. And it's so weird. Maybe they had left. They had also been leaving the restaurant. But it's like based on what town you'd be going to, you would come out of the restaurant and go left to right. Very few people would go straight unless you're going to like a cabin.

And so I'm sure there's some of that. So people start showing up. By the time these people start pulling up, we can't get the the what do you call it the hatch open and so i'm pulling my brother vance and my grandma oh like over the back seat and then threw the stuff out the back window and then we somebody had a knife when people got there and so we had to cut my mom's seatbelt free. And then she kind of just came out into the next seat. And then we get her out.

And the paramedics get there, like the ambulance gets there. But everybody in my family, we were the last to leave the restaurant. So they're all back at the cabin being like, where is, and nobody has cell phones yet. So they're like, where is Danny and Diane and Rosemary and nobody has cell phones yet so they're like where is danny and diane and rosemary and you know bobby and vance and so um they like pull up and they do the whole thing where they like you gotta be i'm like i'm fine they're like no you gotta and then it turns out that my cousin bobby he had a bruised sternum and they don't know if it was slipping down or not obviously like don't ever take your shoulder strap off you just made this thing

yeah useless it doesn't you're gonna stay in the car i guess but your head and torso are gonna go everywhere as it did and so then they end up hauling you know hauling us all the way to because you're in the middle of nowhere wisconsin like probably 30 35 minutes to like but wait it was anybody else bloody and cut up or nothing nobody just yeah and i'm gonna never forget my aunt connie came in and she was like well danny this is why they call it an accident and that made me feel so much better. She's like, it just is an accident. And then the cars completely totaled and then the cops told me, because I was like, I should have hit the brakes. And they're like, well, your brother in the middle seat

didn't have a seatbelt on. So if you would have hit the brakes, you'd have watched him go through the sunroof or the windshield right next to you. So you obviously could have done this better, but you also could have done this a lot worse but once you're you also could have done this when you were 16 that's very true they also said that all of the stuff in the back kind of like coming over and falling on top like either

took some of the impact of things or like kept like maybe kept vance in his seat as well because like things were on top of him and then we end up finding out a year later that there's that big recall on fords from remember all those tires exploding and they would they would say like if you switch terrain or you just kind of jerked it too hard that the tire would just explode and we went back and looked at the pictures from the vehicle that we took, and that tire that went off the ditch had blown out. And they were like, we don't know if it blew out when you rolled. You could make a case that maybe as soon as you came off,

you lost that tire blew out, and that's what they were all recalled for. But the whole thing, I've never felt, I felt so bad because this was my mom's car like this was something she's happy to have in memory of my stepdad you know what i mean yeah but you're 15 your mom doesn't get in any kind of trouble with the authorities you don't get a suspension put on your like you can't drive so i ended up it like took a while to get sorted out. And then I think I still could still go through driver's ed and I was able to get my permit because it hadn't been sorted out yet. But it ended up being that the first, so I could get my license when I turned 16,

but my license was suspended the first six months. Oh, it was. So you could still get it, but then you couldn't drive at all for six because of that. Yes. Then there were no points that came with your license i wonder i think in wisconsin they were doing the point system then if i had this it feels like you feel like you start i remember somebody getting like three points or something like that yeah there you go uh somebody getting like three points or something like that but who you mean somebody you or your gave me yeah no i like i had three points but i don't they who you mean somebody you or your mom gave me yeah no like

i had three points but i don't they would be you know they never ended up mattering or anything but yeah it was so and i felt so bad obviously i ruined like labor day and memorial day and my family was a everybody would try out the whole family uncles everybody would try to come for those two weekends and so it just completely like i ruined the weekend i ruined the car that my mom was able to get after she lost her husband i almost killed my brother and my grandma and definitely my cousin like it was the worst feeling and i had a hard time driving yeah for you because one you're already a kid right and then you're like well my first experience went like this. And it took me a long time to even feel comfortable going over 55.

Because I was just terrified that I was going to get in another accident. When did the family that was ahead of you find out what happened to you guys? Somebody called them once the ambulance showed up. They must have relayed to a dispatcher. Because no one has a cell phone. Because no one has a cell phone. Because you're in the middle of nowhere. You're dead if you really are suffering you're dead yeah yeah you're completely

dead jesus christ dude i felt like the worst what did your mom get after that and how soon did she get another car i think she ended up getting like an aero star the ford that van i remember that one he was the problem i would have got the same goddamn car. You all just lived through that. She had leased that car and paid it in full. So then she had to try and work with the dealership to get her money back because she had already made payments on a car she didn't even have. It was gone. So that ended up, I've told my mom so many times, I'm like, hey, when I sell my first show,

we're getting you that same exact Irish Mist Ford Explorer. She's like, I do not want it. I don't want it at all. I go, I don't care. It's 2021. I'm going to give it back. It's a 1990 Irish Mist Ford Explorer. Yeah, and I was like, you're getting one.

Go take it to Cars for Kids for all I care after I give it to you. And tell them to stop playing that goddamn commercial. That's the worst. That is the worst. You want me to turn off your radio station? Horrible fucking song. Worst.

I'd rather just have a guy being like, Cars for Kids would like your car. Now back to the show. That's it. That's all you need to know. And I'd never forget it. Do you remember any thoughts that went through your head while you were rolling? Do you remember? Were you cogniz thoughts that went through your head while you were rolling? Do you remember?

Were you cognizant that we are flipping? Were you? You want me to be honest with you? Anytime you get a little proud of yourself, it's the worst thing to do in front of another comic. So I already know that. But I was very happy with how I handled things. It sounds like you were good.

I was very like, oh could you learn things about yourself in really bad situations you're gonna freak out and melt down or you're gonna stay focused and try to get through it tried to save your grandma's life yeah i've been very i've been very good in my um situation you go it's not yeah you learn whether or not you go or you have it or you don't that's right i go and then after it's all said and done oh i'll cry then i'll be like oh my god guys oh my god guys oh my god but the people who do that in the moment yeah they're all we don't need that right now let me ask you this okay so i'll hear i'll answer your question i'll ask you so i was very happy

because i didn't say this when i looked down on my i break the window i get out of the car i i assess who needs help first my arm is covered in blood i took i was wearing a michigan basketball t-shirt i took that off tied that off around my arm before i tried to help bobby get out from under the car i had everyone tell me they were okay before i start trying to move anybody i get my grandma like i was very happy and have been in other times where i get those situations with how i went through this so i don't i remember really just freaking out when we were fishtailing and once you start rolling you it's over i mean because you don't even know what's happening

right now it's such a crazy feeling. I just remember. Do you know how many you did? Do you know how many flips you did? Four or five? I would say probably three. God damn, that's a lot. I know.

Imagine seeing it. Have you seen an accident? I was going to say to you, can you imagine? I've seen one accident in front of me. Not like that. If you could go back and see the drone footage of your car flipping like that. You'd be like, they're all dead. Yeah, you would be like, oh my God, how did we ever walk through it?

They're all dead. All of them are dead. When really it was some aches, stitches in my elbow, and my cousin's bruised sternum. That's it. That's amazing. I know. But thank God I didn't hit the brakes. Because they said to a lot of inexperienced drivers, well, slam on the brakes.

But thank God I didn't hit the brakes. Because they said, too, a lot of inexperienced drivers will slam on the brakes. And he's like, once you lost control, the momentum of what your car is doing, you hit the brakes, your brother's gone. He's gone. So I was very fortunate for that. But I just felt like I was like, because as you know, and I hope people go back and listen, but my mom had been through a lot. And so it's like she

just lost her husband and at least she finally got a nice car and then i take i take that away from her that was hard that's probably why i still i half joke but i'm like i would love to just be like here's your new iris mist fucking 2021 ford explorer no i'm i'm getting it from the 90s he's getting back what i took there's no interest on my on my pain look you're getting that huh yeah but as i was gonna ask you based off of your stuff do you think you'd survive an apocalypse yeah i mean unless it's like i would definitely survive if it wasn't for like the if it was nuclear war or whatever just radiation no i'm not talking about that i'm saying so like there's a book called dies the fire where iron loses its chemical component so

like gunpowder doesn't work anymore the combustible engine doesn't work anymore and so we go we still have technology but we go back to horses and swords which is kind of like a trip to think about but i'm always like yeah so i'm not saying someone won't kill me but i will i given my own volition will find a way to survive oh at the end of that when it's all said and done you'll see me coming right out of that smoke like yeah yeah because there's also the thing where people are like we got to go back in and save those kids and who cares if the house is on fire and i'll be like no we don't no we don't and now i understand this is going to make me a shell of the person i used to be but i will always be like we sorry we lost them i'm not i saved

these five that's all i could do see you and i are similar we should make sure we find each other combined forces right the apocalypse right i'm down dude like you know this you see where like the guy gets a hurt leg and these and then his friends are like well we gotta we gotta stick together i'd be like i'm sorry my job at acl's torn we can't take it but once i'm once i make it out of here i can get someone to come back yeah but if i try and help you we're not gonna the predator is gonna kill us we all die yes yeah yeah that's how so that was the only but by the way also if i'm the one that gets hurt i'm not gonna bog you down go right i'll still be there at the end i'll be riding side saddle on that fucking horse we're

laying over i'll be laying over but that's i made it guys but ryan you're not lying because you get it you're like well i just i just got weeded out. Mother Nature just weeded me out. So I'll let you guys know if I get weeded back in. But you got to do what you got to do. Yeah, I'm the same way. So that was the only, to a horrible situation, that was the only silver lining. I was like, all right, I was happy with how I handled myself.

But I still was just devastated. How old was your grandma at the time? At the time? 60s, 70s? No, she was. That's a violent fucking accent, especially for somebody that age. Yeah at the time 60s 70s no she was that's a violent fucking accident especially for somebody that age yeah she was 60s and she was okay that's amazing she had her seatbelt on yeah but yeah she was okay scared oh man i love that no one fought like no you can't let him drive he's not even have a light no, they're all dropped up on screwdrivers. And,

and, uh, we had just left good old days. Literally. We left the good old days. I had turned into a goddamn nightmare right down. Oh my God. That was so scary.

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about the apartment i the second apartment i lived in in la? I don't think so. All right, so I had this great setup when I first moved here because I moved here with nothing. And a friend of mine from the bar I worked at was like, I got an extra bedroom. You stay with me. I was living in downtown in a nice apartment, my own room, own bathroom,

for like $200 a month, $250 month 250 a month i know and so my buddy uh bradford was like i'm gonna move out to california i was like great we'll do it together you know he was more interested not in like comedy or performing but he just wanted wanted to be out here and i'm like well yeah let's struggle at the same time in the same place so he moved out here and i had a friend that we moved in with and we and they because they had somebody move out and i'm like oh we'll just use this room for a month we can dorm it up it'll be fine and four weeks in bradford was like i'm going back and i was like you fucked me a month in that, that's it? Yeah, because I'm like, I just left. I could have stayed where

I was. So I'm trying to find a place, trying to find a place. I'm working at a bar, another bar again in downtown LA and I find this place with this guy and forgive me for just not remembering exactly what his name

is. I'm'm gonna say it wrong it was like uh like oh Aranjib or something like that okay and he was this really nice guy he's from India he was like here going to school and he's like I live in the living room you will have your own room and your own bathroom or no, we'll share a bathroom I think. And then, uh, there will be, there's another guy named Raj who is in the master bedroom.

He pays more money. And I was like, all right, you know, you'll do what you gotta do. And this is, you know, Craigslist and find the guy.

So I go downtown or bunker hill towers in downtown la and i go there and he's not there the guy i'm out is not there raj is there so then i'm like hey man where are you at and he's like oh i had to move back to india he writes me back i had to what and i go back to how long was the like a week and i go well i don't know i don't know he's like oh i'll still help you like get it all sorted out and i and i'm paying like maybe 600 a month and and i needed this so i was like okay so it's me and raj and your rent just went from two to six? Yeah. Okay. And so it's me and Raj, and then he's gone,

and he's like, someone else is going to move in, right? So then this other guy moves in to the living room on an air mattress, and there's two things I know about this guy, okay? His name was Mitchell, all right? He said he was born and raised in South Central, so I guess I know about this guy. Okay. His name was Mitchell. All right. He said he was born and raised in South Central. So I guess I know more than two. He was born and raised in South Central. He was a high level executive for warehouse shoe sales.

I don't know if you guys have these in other places, but in LA, there's a chain of athletic apparel and shoe stores called WSS. He said he was a high level executive he's the only high level executive i've ever known that had to live in a living room on an air mattress but he said he was a high level executive with warehouse shoe sales and his other tip on life for me was get yourself go to the army navy surplus store and get yourself a military book bag because a lot of times you can board with the military-Navy surplus store and get yourself a military book bag because a lot of times you can board with the military

if you ever fly somewhere. And I'm like, that feels like you are a valor thief, but you also live in a living room, so it's probably in the, that Venn diagram is one circle. Valor thief in living room. So it's me and him and Raj. And everything's going as fine as things can go for a couple of maybe months. So then Mitchell moves out.

And then another guy moves in who's Indian. Who, I apologize, but there was a very big language barrier. And I could never figure out what his name was at all. I still to this day have no idea. And he would just spend all day, every day, in a white V-neck shirt and black basketball shorts. That's all he wore, and I never saw him off of his air mattress at any time.

Didn't do anything. Didn't do anything. Well, one time in these first few months, I had met raj's girlfriend and she she was a white girl and the only reason i say that is because in his culture that's an issue so i met her like once and raj spent a lot of time in his in his bedroom and then like four five six days goes by and i have not seen raj and i don't even know the guy in the living room's name to ask him where raj is so she walks in one day and i go what where's where's ron she's like and she starts crying what and i go everything is everything

okay she's like raj is just having a really hard time with school and i go okay and she says no so he tried to kill himself i go here and she's like? She's like, it was a few days ago. It was the middle of the day. So he's been in the hospital. And if anything changes, I'll let you know. That was a lie. No one let me know anything. Four days later, there are six people living in Raj's room.

What? Yes. Six new people. Yes. That all end up being his family. It's his mom, his dad, and his siblings. Are they there for, like, in case something happens? They're there because their son is in the hospital and tried to kill himself.

And I think they're there to either, like, I don't know, like, help him. Or say you're going back home. Right? And so, none of them ever leave his room. Ever. And they're all living in there. So, I'm now, I have a bedroom in place. There's a guy in the living room I do not know.

And seven more people in the bedroom right next to mine. Plus Raj's girlfriend's internet. And I'm smelling the best food. And I'm like, how many hot plates they got in that house? They're cooking all in the room. Yes. Yes. Sometimes they would make things in the kitchen.

But other times I would smell that garlic naan back there. Is that tikka masala Tuesday? Right. Smells good. on that garlic naan back there. So, is that tikka masala Tuesday? Right. Smells good. And so, one day, I'm like coming,

going from the bathroom, I'm in the hallway, going from the bathroom to my room, and this older gentleman comes out, right? So, he's using your bathroom? No, no, no.

He comes out of the bedroom. Oh, okay. On the way to my, and the doors are right next to each other, to the end of the hall. And so he walks out and he's like, hello? And I'm like, how's it going, roomie? I don't know. He's like, hey, sir, how are you?

And he's like, Roger's sick. And I go, yeah, I heard. Does Roger have a girlfriend? And now, I don't know if his family. Oh, yeah, because she's a white girl. Yes. I've seen Meet the Patels. And so, I go, I know he has some very close friends. And he's like, you have close friends?

And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, my son is sad. And I go, yeah. Oh, so this is his dad. Yeah, yeah friend and i'm like yeah he's like my son is sad and i go yeah oh so this is his dad yeah okay and i'm like okay and he's like he has a girlfriend and i'm like i don't i don't know i have no idea i just want this to end so so so i go in my room. Now I am essentially like the mystery man in the living room. I don't leave my area either. I don't want to come out of here.

I'm like, he had it figured out. How are seven people using the bathroom and eating and sleeping on the same schedule and shit? I don't know. How long were they in there? Well, I don't know that answer either. Because a couple weeks after this had been going on, I'm like, I got to get out. Weeks they're in there at this point. I wish I was doing stand-up at that point.

Because then you'd be like, here's my hour. Oh, yeah. Here's my hour. Here's my fucking documentary. You wouldn't leave. You'd be like, I have to be here until they leave. Yeah. When do you all plan on leaving?

Yeah. So I find another place to go live, right? And I've got like two weeks, maybe 10 days. It wasn't very long. So I find somewhere else to go. And I think I had told one of his sisters or his dad or somebody in the room, right? I had mentioned it. Now, this place also was not nice.

Like, you'd turn the kitchen light on. Yeah. Like cockroaches. I'll live there. So I'm like, I can't live here. I don't know who's in the living room. There's cockroaches. I don't know how many people are here.

Raj has tried to kill himself, and I'm very sympathetic to that, but I am not in a position to help him it's only affecting my life in a way that has way too many question marks right and so and i had seen his mom a couple of times but we didn't have much to talk about and i'm in the kitchen and it's like 10 30 at night i i guarantee you I was pouring a bowl of cereal. That was like mainly what I could afford to eat. Dude, I did like that cinnamon harvest.

Cinnamon harvest, baby. Sometimes some Cheerios. And I'm like pouring whatever. I just remember looking up and in the doorway of this little row kitchen is his mother. Small in stature. Just a very I just remember looking up, and in the doorway of this little row kitchen is his mother, small in stature, just a very unassuming woman.

And she says, and I had told somebody, his sister or whatever, and she goes, you leave? And I said, yeah, I got to go. I'm going to go to another place. She goes, no. And I said, yeah, yeah. It's just, you know, I need to be. Another place is good for me.

You know, leave. Like angry like that? This woman was not small anymore. Right. She was too close to she's like you know leave and i go i just you guys could use the room yeah like i gotta go and she goes my boy sick and i said i'm very sorry he seems like a really good guy i barely knew him at all right you know jesus dude right and i'm like i she think you're the reason or does she think i'm part of the support system or am i gonna like screw them over with

how the rent's getting paid but she told me on no uncertain terms i was not allowed to leave. And I step out because you could enter from both ways, and I'm back, and I see I should give him a name, but I don't know what would be offensive. Larry. Larry on the mattress, and he's just like He's scared

as shit. He's scared. He doesn't want to be here either. And he's like, I already tried that. I already tried that, man. I already tried that. He's like, stay, man. You stay. You stay.

When you look at your friend's parents are fighting and your friend's like, don't leave, please. Stay here because we'll all get hit. Yeah, we'll all get hit. You're the only reason none of us are getting hit. And you're thinking, I think if I stay here long enough, your dad's going to get so comfortable, I'm going to get hit.

Yeah, that's it. And so he's like, and I go, you know, he's Indian, right? Yes. So he knows, he probably seen this shit before. And so I go, I hope everything works out for raj please let me know larry's here he can help out you guys larry is gonna dude i moved out the next day in probably an hour and a half how did you do it though without them

well i didn't have much i didn't even have a bed. I had an air mattress. So I just bagged it all up. I didn't even have a TV. I had a little bookcase. I didn't have clothes, and that was it. But I had a beanbag chair. And she didn't try to stop you when you were moving out? Beanbag chair has to be the official furniture of the Honeydew, by the way, because you're mobile.

I should make those. Yeah. Make Honeydew beanbag chairs. What did you ask me? I stepped over you. If they tried to stop you and they noticed or anything. No. But it was, dude, that was scary.

And one of those times in my life, I'm like, how did I get here? How did I get to this place? And I never, I hope everything worked out for Raj. I was going to say you don't know any follow-up. How? No. I have no idea. I wonder if it's even still saved in my phone.

Probably because you port all your contacts over. Right? It might be in there. His name or no? Yeah, it would just be Raj. You should reach out to him and see how he's doing. I just want to know how you are. And all I get back is you left. You left. You left. You no lead.

Hey Dan, this is Larry. I'm handling a lot of things for Rod. I kind of took over the whole fam. Things cleared up after you. It was good that you left. He's running the whole family now. That was a weird, dark time in my life. That's scary, dude.

I was like, I have gone. This is what's happening to me. I have almost no possessions. I am in a very low place in my life. I'm just trying to put pennies together. And I'm now living with a whole bunch of people I do not know. One of them is dealing with mental health issues. When you only agreed to live with one, two at the time?

Two, but the first one split right away. And then we had Mitchell, who had a whole plan for life in warehouse shoe sales. And then he got Mitchell, who had a whole plan for life in warehouse shoe sales. And then he got replaced with the guy I never knew. And it just, it was too much change. And for a man who's been abandoned so many times in his life, I couldn't handle it anymore. Yes. It was a lot of strange change.

Yes. But also beautiful. Like, I feel bad about probably all the details I've forgotten. Because it was so weird. You know me. In the dark and shit, dude. That was scary. Yeah, and it's like you can hear the...

Of the lights. Of the hot plates. Oh, yeah, dude. But it also smells so good. Yeah, like I kind of don't want to. I'm torn. Don't want to leave. Oh, that was a wild chapter in my life.

God damn. Yeah, man. All right, so where do you go after that? Okay, so there, then I move into a loft with a guy named Benji, who's just this big, lovable gay man from Minnesota. And he talks like this. He's like, oh, hey, how you doing? And he's like, oh, sure. Craigslist. Oh, man. And it was

a few blocks closer into downtown, like 6th and Spring, which is right where the bar that I worked at was. And it was a loft. So you're already going in. There's no walls. So you're already going in being like, you've you're going to have to like you've you got you're gonna have to work together here okay and where i'm coming from though like i just had that witch put a curse on

me so that's what it felt like probably did remember drag me to hell where that girl's trying to get the loan and she turns her down that's what it felt like That's what it felt like. That's what it felt like. She probably needed you there for another day or two to put the full hex on. Oh, my God, dude. Scared the hell out of me. Literally, I was like, I'm not part of Raj's success. If anything, I'm a detriment. Talk to his white girlfriend.

That's who you should talk to. That's who you should have done. You should talk to Jennifer. Jennifer. Kellifer. Califer. Califer. So, you know that's a name. So, I move in there, and things are fine. He's got some sort of weird sock business that he runs on eBay.

Yeah. And he's a great, he's a very nice guy. And then, and also I'm like, I don't care about no no walls just as long as we're the only two people in here we'll just be quiet i'm gone a lot like i'm down the street at the bar shortly after a few months after being there he ends up being he ends up deciding he wants to be a nurse and so he then enrolls in classes yeah he enroll enroll in classes, and now he's got to be up at like 5 or 6 in the morning. And so now I have to be really quiet. And he also has a boyfriend that he wants to be a nurse with him,

and his name is Dino. And Dino is this cute-as-a-button little Filipino kid, right? And now, you should not share a no-wall space with anyone, even your boyfriend, husband, wife, whatever. When you're going through something as stressful as like any sort of med school, it's too much. And so I then slowly had to watch their relationship like deteriorate with no walls. And there'd be times they watch you probably heard everything yeah that's what i'm saying there'd be times that they didn't know i was behind my partition in my room area and they would just start having these like fights and yelling at

each other and the one i'll never forget it's dino right and he goes you treat me like this you think i like it you think i like being treated and he's like you know what you know what do you know i just can't take it anymore from you and he's like you think i like it you think i like sucking your dick dino had enough this is all fine in a relationship this is all fine in a relationship. He's Dino Rich to his dick limit. This is all fine in a relationship. And also, before anybody writes in the comments, this is exactly how he sounded. You are a bastard, Precious. And I'm speaking for both of them, okay? Both of them.

He's like, oh, you're going to talk to me like that? He's like, you think I like it? You think I like it? Suck in your dick, whatever you want. And I'm like, guys, I'm sitting. I'm on my bed. Just like. Wonder what Raj's mom's doing right now.

Here's the thing. I walk out. I put my finger in Dino's chest, and I go, you stay with Benji. You stay, Dino. And so he he's like you think i like it you can get somebody else down here to help you with all your homework and then suck your dick and i was like oh god and i was so uncomfortable but then you need them to know you're here because i don't want it's too personal i have obviously no problem with their life or anyone sucking dick at all but the fact i shouldn't be privy to it it's again being at your friend's house when the parents are

fighting like this i'm not supposed to be here it's no different than a heterosexual tgif and you think i want to eat your pussy all the time 100 right 100 and so and i just start going, you think I like some? You cough? And he's like, huh? And then they realize I'm in there. And then he's like, and then I just, I go out and leave. And so then it was maybe a month later. Oh, God, these all tie together.

I move, I got Benji. I'm going to i'm gonna move out it's better oh it probably is i think dino's gonna move in full time dino had been in full time right yeah right well i think i think you know we're literally we're really happy i'm one of you are you getting a dick suck whenever you want so so so i move out and I move in with two girls above L.A. Cafe, which is a great all-night, whenever you want food spot in downtown LA, named Taylor and Jasmine, right? Are they a couple, or are they just a couple? No, they're just friends. Cool chicks.

This all seemed so great. Huge loft, but the rooms had walls put up, but the other was just enormous big i mean enormous we could run a 60 person comedy show in there it was damn awesome until the second day that i'm moving second day i'm walking i'm carrying some boxes right and i'm only going down the street so i just had a cart i'm moving all my stuff at this, I did have a TV and I did have a bed. So I had upgraded my life a little bit. I went October 2007 until October 2012.

I went five years without my own bed. Your own bed? I had places where I stayed and they had a day bed or they had a bed, but I didn't have it. Or I had an air mattress or I slept on that beanbag chair for a while. So my life had gotten a little better. So I'm moving in, probably second day. Big stuff's already all in.

I'm doing the final boxes. And I walk in. And I take two steps into this gorgeous loft. And I'm like. And I look over to my right. And there's a big dining room table. And the girls and another guy who lives in the building are just sitting there in the house. Windows closed.

Cigarettes? Yeah. Oh, my God. house windows closed cigarettes yeah oh my god and as i'm like coming back a room another person from the building has come in and sitting at the table because they're the smoke unit yeah no and i'm like oh we're the and i had never even cigarette law thought to ask we're the smoker's corner of this loft of this building and so i bet i was in there two months and i told i was like girls you're great come to the bar anytime you want it's as much on me for not asking and i think i had said something and it still it didn't matter i mean they had their youth this is the life they They're like, all right, Dan. Yeah, everything's on the exhale.

Yeah, everything. We'll get right fucking on that. They're like, you know what, Dan? It's an unsecured deposit barrier. You know what, Dan? You leave. So I moved into the building next door. And there was no hard feeling.

Why wouldn't I even think? So many people don't smoke anymore and how when's the last time you sat down on a couch and smoked a cigarette or just in someone's home dude if i'm on traffic and you look over windows up somebody just piping you're like you don't care about anything you don't care about the resale on that car you don't care about your kids you hate your job you're Your windows up. Your lungs. Just soft pack boxing yourself. I moved into the place next door

and that place went really well until the guy who I lived with a great dude named Jordan and he was like, my girlfriend's coming back from studying abroad. I'm like, awesome. She's like, he's like, yeah, I think we're ready to move in together.

So she'll get back in August. I just figure nothing against you at all, Dan. Maybe end of September. You just want to give you like two months heads up. I go, great. So as we do, August comes. I don't worry about anything. She shows up at the end of August and and her second day there, she's like,

so you're out, right? And I go, huh? She's like, well, Jordan told you I was moving in, so, like, I'm here now. Like, you're out at the end of August? And it was four days away. And I thought, I can fight with these people, but this is obviously some sort of miscommunication.

Or she told him, like, tell him I'm coming in August, and then he needs to be out by the end of August. But he, maybe in the moment, was like, take an extra month. That's not going to solve anything. And I don't want to spend a month living there. And so I had four days to find a place in L.A., which is where I'm at now. And I got so lucky. Yeah, you have a great place in LA, which is where I'm at now. And I got so lucky. Yeah, you have a great place. Yeah, I got-

You do have a great place. So lucky with that spot. But the craziness of that one didn't come to the very end either, where they were like, so you're out? You're out? Four days to pack your life up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's tough. Yeah, and I obviously had a few more things. Isn't it crazy? I have so many people who owe me a move in my life, and I never cashed in on anything. Really? Yeah, I've helped so many people who owe me a move in my life and i never cashed in on anything really yeah i had i've helped so many people move i've helped people move under duress i've helped people move during an intervention i've helped people move when they were going schizophrenic and had to get the fuck out really put in the hospital yeah i've helped a lot of people move you've never

called it back no tom seg Tom Segura helped me. I have to give credit to Tom. He helped me carry a couch to an apartment one time. But two of my moves I did in a grocery cart. Really? Yeah, I moved across the street. And the homeless guys had grocery carts on the L.A. River, so I just would take one.

And people see me coming, they're like, who's this motherfucker? My pots and pans are hanging out of the grocery cart, and I'm wheeling it right into the elevator nobody wants me right now two fucking moves full moves except for having one person help me carry like a couple of big things because i don't have a lot either all done with grocery carts really one move was right across the street the other one was two blocks from there but i wheeled that cart all the place you're in now how'd you move there uh the place i'm in that same way dude i always do it myself i did 90 i did

90 of it by myself like i mean all the small shit i know no i'm gonna have somebody move everything next time if i have to it will be but and then i did pay movers to move the big shit okay good yeah yeah i'll do that too i can't be fucking with my back anymore it's not worth it and you've done enough of it yeah it's the people who have net have only ever had movers and i'm like fuck you yeah you gotta go i've put my time yeah yeah seeing what you can tie to a sedan that's how i've done that i think i haven't i haven't truck moved i haven't truck moved i mean i might have borrowed a friend's truck but i haven't like you know grandma's attic in the u-haul moved since the mid-2000s yeah but my next one will be that because i finally have an apartment worth of stuff um i had a mattress one time my buddy was like a friend of mine's giving me this mattress can we go get it i was like a minute we're in a honda civic

dude like he's like we'll just tie it on the roof we tied that fucking thing on the roof we got on the 101 coming north from highland going around back in and that went i mean it's just just beating the fuck out of the car i thought i was gonna crack the wind you didn't have any tailgaters though though every everybody was going you ever been this guy just waved telling oh yeah come on dude i was driving on the interstate in illinois going from chicago to rochelle my hometown november 15th uh thanks diane and final show of the tour get the annual bank.com um and i'm behind a truck full of stuff and something just told me just get over just get over they were maybe like i don't know 200 feet in front of me you know

far enough but it was like and you don't need to pass yet and said just get over i get over and not 30 seconds later that futon mattress goes no just going flying past me at 80 miles an hour and i'm like killed you okay 100 yeah you can hit you're going even if it doesn't come through your car it is sending you off the road no doubt that big a mass and that heavy at 80 miles an hour you're you're going wherever it decides yeah i was that was so scary one of those like oh i dodged it there but yeah i can't imagine tying a mattress to a fucking sedan drive so one-on-one um you had a couple more stories you wanted to share with us dude i'll tell you yeah i want i'll tell you the david blaine story i might end up doing this in my stand-up too so i don't you guys can hear it

here first uh i am i am in a uh uh like a diner okay i'm in a diner and i'm i'm there, and I'm with somebody else, and they're across from me, okay? And behind them in the door, I see two people come walking in. And this girl walks in, and she's wearing a white sheer shirt. This in L.A.? No, this is in Carmel. Okay. Okay?

So everything's quaint, right? And she's wearing. That's Clint Eastwood's town. And so she's wearing a sheer shirt that you can see everything she's been gifted. Everything. And I'm a restaurant away. I'm at the back and I can still see everything. And so I say to my friend, I'm like, look, look behind, look at this girl who

couldn't give any shits about anyone looking at her breasts right now, right, and so my friend, like, turns to look, and they go, well, they saw me looking, the couple saw me, and I'm like, they did not, okay, and then she's, like, doing calisthenics, like, stretching out, and I go, you gotta see it, and she's with this, like, Middle Eastern guy who just looked very'm like, they did not. Okay. And then she's like doing calisthenics, like stretching out. And I go, you got to see it. And she's with this like Middle Eastern guy who just looked very like, very, I'm so cool that I'm here. Right. And so I can't, I'm like, this is the audacity.

I just love the audacity that just, I don't, you're going to see, I don't care. So then the couple ends up being sat two tables down from me, and my friend's like, that was, you made me look at that, I did not, they didn't even see, right, so we're sitting there, and a couple seconds later, this guy gets up, right, and he he walks i'm looking on my peripheral and he walks and he starts coming this way towards me and then he walks around my table and walks right up to me and i think the guy sitting with her yeah and i think my first thought is like because it happens every once in a while i'm like podcast fan well no i first no, I have to take it back. I first thought he saw us looking at her tits.

And now we're going to have, over Eggs Benny, we're going to fucking sort this out. And my defense would be like, put a scarf on. I don't, I'm sorry. So, but I look up and it's a friend it's a friendly face so in that split second of like just seeing like a half smile i thought oh maybe so rare so rare but maybe it's a podcast fan maybe so i give the back like, hey. And then the guy goes, I want you to pick a card. Oh, my God.

Nuh-uh. Yeah. And I look up, and it's David Blaine. And do you know that? Do you know him at this point? I figured it out. In that moment, I put together the cards and the guy and the disproportionately very hot chick, i'm like oh and so then he's like he's

like it's uh it's good to meet you and it's everything did you say you're david blaine i go i go i'm a big fan you know and i'm like i love your girlfriend's titties i'm like i'm like oh big fan he's like thank you very much yeah yeah i want you to grab a card and for everybody who's offended by my david blaine accent that's exactly how he's not he goes i want you to pick a card and i go okay and then he's like all right hold on i want you to think of a number but make that number and he does all that like magic talk to you where somehow they're getting you he was like make it three numbers but make them in descending order neither of them you can't have an eight and a four and you have to say them in the order so for example you would say 963 right and and then you whatever that made you think of that's the

number I said where you're like all right 741 so I say the number I had, 741. So I say the number. I had 421. Yeah? So I say the number and then he does the trick and he's like, pretty good. And I go, yeah, so I, and in my head I'm like, you don't know the exchange that I, I thought you knew me, I first thought you were mad at me

for looking at your girlfriend's breasts, and all of us are just trying to have brunch. And so he does the trick, and then he goes to leave. Does he get your number? Yeah, it works. Come on. It works.

It works. Come on. It works. You know, the number I said was like a card that he had already written on. And it still works. Yes. And it was already like, you know, great tits, right? Like that's what it said on the card. Did it really?

Wouldn't that be phenomenal? Oh, my God. That would be the greatest trick of all time, dude. The greatest. But my thing is the thing. He thinks, here's the thing, right? Ready? He thought from the moment he walked in that I was staring at his.

So he's probably standing there being like, look at these two. They don't stop looking at me. I'm going to have to put on the show. Let me go give him the deck have to put on the show. Let me go give them the deck real quick. Everywhere I go, these people always see David Blaine. I had no clue. None at all.

So think of all the different levels that have happened here before we finally land on the same page. He thinks I'm looking at him. I'm looking at her. I think he might be a podcast fan. Then I figure out who he is. You also think he might be pissed that you're looking at him I'm looking at her I think he might be a podcast fan then I figure out who he is you also think he might be pissed that yes there's yes so there's that level too yeah so then he does the trick and he's like and of course everyone around us that's the other thing too I feel so stupid for the moment I thought it might have been someone who knew me from podcasting but he also

went and he doesn't know this that he went through the same feeling of thinking someone knew him from magic right and it doesn't none of us are right would you imagine if you got up and went over and started just telling some jokes at the table real quick oh that's not why you recognize a hundred percent so so then he does the whole trick right and it all goes really really well So then he does the whole trick, right? And it all goes really, really well. And then he goes and leaves. And you could feel in the room that everyone at this point figures out who this is. And they're like, wasn't that nice of David Blaine? And I'm like, have her stand up.

That's the real trick over there. That's the show. So then he sits back down, and people are like, oh, it's so lucky that happened to you. I'm still reeling from putting together this path that we all got to here. And then I start driving down the coast. Before I leave, I go, hey, man, I have to get a picture with you because I need to, remember this happened.

Can we just grab, he was like, either I was getting a real leave or he was, I think I was. And he goes, yeah, but we have to sit in the booth together on the same side to take it. And I go, okay. He has to control everything. Yeah, and when you're a magician,

that's the most control ever. And he's not just a regular magician. He's the dude that's like, I'll just a regular magician he's the dude it's like i'll sit in a block of ice for three days we have very he falls into a category that i think could have existed in almost any type of american pop culture of any era because we don't really don't have any but we don't have like many just person we have like instagram and shit like that we don't have people that are like oh you're famous and it isn't for, we don't know why. And it isn't for movies and it isn't for TV.

You're a character in pop culture. Obviously, it's for magic. But I think he could have been at any time. So he's like, yeah, we can do that. But we have to sit in the booth together on the same side. And I'm like, oh, fine. Okay, let's do it. So then I go to leave and I'm driving down through

Big Sur and every time I stop two minutes later here comes David Blaine and I am spending like they're just pulling up yeah everybody's like at the same little things he's like you look over he's like I got your watch but I'm also watching as he gets out, all their people are like, and David Blaine's like, I forget we're podcasting. He's waving. He's acknowledging that everyone is happy to see him.

We have video here. I know, but some people are still rocking that audio. Then he's acknowledging like, hello, how are you? No one's looking at him. He is not the main attraction for what's happening. And I'm not even saying on an objectifying sexual way. Just in society, you're going to be like, Look at the tits over here real quick.

Oh, that's David Blaine. If you're stopping at Big Sur and there's a guy who keeps getting out wearing an umbrella hat and a scarf and that's it. You're not objectifying him. You're pointing out, look who's not conforming to the rest of what we're doing here in society. Oh, it was perfect, man. It was so perfect. But to me, it was also, and why I thought it was here, it was just that moment, that split second where I was like, hello?

It was like, no, no. My buddy did that one time. Biassella is his name we were old high school friends and he had uh ended up moving to Florida with family down to like Port St. Lucy I think it was and this is back when Shaq played for the magic he was he was out of the club one night and Anthony's a little Italian dude he's a wrestler stocky dude really good at wrestling but his dad was like his dad one time came up to us in high school was like uh his name was albia sella albert and uh he goes anybody messing with you kids and we're like no we're we're good we can handle our own he's like

all right well if you do i can have him killed and never found for 50 and he walked away and we're like jesus fucking christ and i don't know if he was joking or if he wasn't joking. The $50 makes it feel like a joke. It fucking scared the shit out of me. But I'll tell you what, I keep 50 on me. You know what I'm saying? I keep 50 in the glove compartment just in case I need to make that call. Oh, that's so bad.

But he was out at a club one night and he called me and he was like, Ryan, I am just humiliated. And he said out at a club one night, and he called me, and he was like, Ryan, I am just humiliated. And he said, Shaq. He's short, but Shaq's in front of him, a few people up. And Shaq just turns around and throws him a heads up. And my buddy's like, what's up, Shaq? And then he hears the guy right behind him start talking. What's up, Shaq?

He's like, what's up, R&A? And he's like, oh oh he wasn't talking to him or looking at him or anything he said he got out of line and just went oh did i ever tell you my boston story i don't think i got done at the wilbur all right and i had my book bag with me and i at the wilbur theater you come from the back of the venue outside up to the front of the sidewalk and in order to do that the path you walk when you exit the Wilbur on from the outside back door is it brings you right up to the club the club where uh Hernandez was the night that he killed that dude oh that okay yeah yeah and so I'm walking up from the back and there's a guy in

front of me I'm gonna have to ask him to move to get around him, right? And what I notice as I get up to him is he's directing who gets to go into the club and who doesn't. And so he says to me, I go, hey, man, sorry about that. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're here? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just got done at the Wilbur. And I'm like, I know you? I go, yeah, I just got done at the Wilbur. He's like, oh, man, are you coming in? And I go, in and i go no he's like oh come on you got to come in you know and i go

uh now there's one thing in my family always say yes because you can leave that's right always say yes see where it goes the story right i wouldn't say don't know maybe don't always go to a second location yeah but see where the first location goes and so he goes you want to come in and i go i don't know i i just got done with it i'm not i'm gonna lean in and i say i just get done he's like come on dude we're having a party tonight you should come in and there's people just vying to try and get he's like hold on i'm talking to him right now and i go i go i i don't know i'm I'm tired He goes come on you got your computer with you And I did And he's like you want to DJ a set

And I go what And he's like if you don't want to DJ You don't have to I'm just saying if you feel like it I'm trying to figure out who the fuck he thinks you are He goes we'd love to have you go up And I go I don't know can I think about it And he's like yeah And I'm like this fucker thinks

That I'm some DJ he knows that's played this club or he is thrilled might play the club tonight. Also, he must not understand what happens at the Wilbur Theater. And he works below it. It's all. I guess you could have a concert there, right? But a DJ concert? Anyway, maybe.

You guys will tell me in the comments that there's tons of djs play the wilmer so i go uh i go i don't i i don't know and he's like he's like i'm just saying you come in tonight you have a good time you don't want to dj don't dj but if you do great i go all right i'll come in i'll think about he's like hold on one sec let me let these guys in first now he's got a whole thing of red wristbands in one hand but then in his other hand he's got a whole bunch of yellow so these guys walk up he puts the reds away and he puts all the yellows on these guys and everybody else who he was letting he was just giving reds to so these guys all get yellow so then he goes he goes all right all right come on now you and he takes the yellow and he puts

around me and i go what's this for and he's like it's for the party it's in the back come on come with me yeah so we go down and he's like now if you want you can party back over there obviously the bar is fine you got the wristband so you're all good so then he just walks away and i'm standing in this club on a saturday night in boston by myself with a fucking book bag there's a party going on in the back that I guess I can go to. Right. So there's a door guy like next to me, security guy. He's just down there. And I go, Hey man, where do I go if I want this?

He's like, Oh, you're here for the party. And I go, I, yeah, I guess. And he's like, come on. And so then he walks me back into the room. He walks me. And it's me and all guys all white guys all white guys all big white guys and i and then i'm like standing in this room i guess i'll get a drink so i get a drink and a guy comes up to me and he goes what are you doing here and now

don't you have to know when to stop lying right yeah because i can tell the truth and this guy's gonna be like oh whatever or i can lie and he's gonna know i'm lying and now i'm in a room that i i think i don't want to piss anybody off so i go i go what is first of all what is this he goes it's our party i go for what he's like season is this? He goes, it's our party. I go, for what? He's like, season starts tomorrow. I go, what? He's like, we're the Boston Bruins. You're in there with the Bruins? I am in a room with every single member of the Boston Bruins,

and I have never been more happy that I didn't lie in my entire life. Because hockey players will beat the shit out of you. Oh, they're tight ends on skates. Oh, my God. They will destroy you. For any reason. Like, hey, guys, I found a reason to fight somebody. Yeah, yeah.

So I go, and that's why they're all white and they're all big, except for the short ones are the ones who look the most like they will kick the shit out of you. You're fucking, what's his name? I'm sorry, Boston, for not remembering. Brashard, what's their main guy? You guys will know. And I shouldn't know because, yeah, I know Andrew Shaw. I'm a Chicago black.

Is that right? No. I might be making that up. Brad Marchand. Marchand, okay. I'm with you. I don't know if that's right either. I would say I knew in that room.

I think that guy I mentioned was the guy I went to school with. I mean, we can took a rask. Okay, so anyway, I know some Bruins. And so I go, and he goes, we're the Boston Bruins. This is our last. We find out tomorrow who makes the team and who doesn't. So they want to drink, right? Because there's a lot of guys on the bubble,

and then all the other guys are veterans, are ready to start the season. So there's a lot of guys on the bubble and then all the other guys are veterans are like ready to start the season so there's a lot of energy in here and they go again who are you and i go i'm a fucking comic i'm a comic who walked out of the wilbur and that dude who runs this place that let you in thinks i'm a dj so he gave me a wristband in case i wanted to play any sort of music here, of which I can do none. I got a lot of classic rock on this computer, and I don't think anybody wants to hear it. I'm just like talking. I'm like, so I just followed to see where this went, and I ended up in here. I've ordered one drink.

If you want me to pay for it, I gladly will. And the guy looks at me, and he goes, that's fucking awesome. God, this fucking dude's a comic. I was there till 4 in the morning. I swear to God. I was there until 4 in the morning. And the whole time, I'm like, I can't leave. Because how many people in Boston wish they could be in this room?

I'm doing it for them. You just end up at a Boston Bruins party. And there's these guys and their kids. Some of the ones that are in there, I think they didn't give a shit because it a Boston Bruins party, and there's these guys, and they're kids. Some of the ones that are in there, I think they didn't give a shit because it was the Bruins, so there's probably some 18 and 19s because there's 19-year-olds in NHL for sure. There's one on the Blackhawks. So they were all just like, yeah, I don't know if I'm going to make the team. We're going to find out tomorrow.

They were excited. I partied with the entire team. They passed me around like, hey, out tomorrow. Say we're excited. I partied with the entire team. They passed me around. They're like, hey, come here. He is a comic. This guy is a comic. They're all like Russian. You tell funny jokes.

You fucking tell jokes. You know, leave. I'm like, all right, I got to get going. You know, leave. That's great, dude. Yeah, it was so much fun. Well, well unfortunately we do have to leave we gotta get out of here we got some uh we got some some things we have to take care of here at the studio but dude thank you as always for coming on i love you to death you're always the fucking you're the best

um again please promote everything all right guys you can see me on the road the day this drops in the 11th i will be in nashville the 12th i am in louisville the 13th cincinnati the 14th of november in milwaukee and the 15th i end the together tour i think it's gonna be 47 cities by the time i hit rochelle illinois on november 15th which is also the day my first album drops it's called thanks diane go to danielvancurk.com if you're still in the window before it's dropped you can pre--order it in the iTunes app store. I think it's also in Amazon as well. But once the 15th comes out, I would appreciate it if people just stream it, listen to it, check it out. You'll get a track right away if you pre-sale it called Don't Be a Dick,

which is some advice that I have in a funny way of how to live life. And I hope you guys had as much fun as I did, and you check everything out that I do. Awesome. Everybody go get that album. As always, thank you again for being here fun as I did, and you check everything out that I do. Awesome. Everybody go get that album. As always, thank you again for being here. I love you, dude. I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com.

We'll talk to you you next time.