The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Eddie Ifft - HoneyIfft

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Eddie Ifft! Eddie Highlights the Lowlights of getting kicked out of multiple schools, defrauding his college, and getting booed off stage! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Everlywell -Get 20% off an at-home lab test at https://www.Everlywell.com/HoneyDew  Imperfect Foods -For 20% off your first 4 orders go to https://ImperfectFoods.com  and use promo code HoneyDew Athletic Greens -Get a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase when you visit https://www.AthleticGreens.com/HoneyDew  Talk Space -Visit https://www.TalkSpace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code HoneyDew at sign-up Enso Rings -Check out Enso's Elements rings at our special URL: https://www.EnsoRings.com/HONEYDEW and for a limited time get 10% off your first purchase of any collection when you use promo code HoneyDew

Learner's Permit Thursdays on my YouTube. Subscribe today. The Night Pants Nation Tour continues. Arlington, November 11th through the 13th. Cleveland, December 9th through the 11th. And La Jolla, December 17th through the 19th. All tickets are available at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with ryan sickler welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the night pan studios i am ryan sickler ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all your social media listen if i'm coming to your city and I'm coming to Arlington, Virginia, get your tickets to the Night Pants Nation Tour.

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We highlight the lowlights with y'all. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have this guest on here, his first time here. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Eddie Ift, y'all. Welcome to have this guest on here, his first time here. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Eddie Ift, y'all. Welcome to the Honeydew, Eddie Ift. Thanks. I've listened to your podcast, but I never really thought of it as though that's what you do. And I was like, when you were like, hey, what do you want to talk about? I'm like, there's so many. Well, I get some people like, we can just talk about whatever i'm like nah that's not this

podcast we're not talking about whatever we're talking about some of the worst shit that you've had in your life i'm generally a happy person yeah you always seem happy when i see you and i feel like i've been very lucky i've had a very good life but there are many i'm getting old i've had a lot of how old are you now? Just turned 50. Did you really? Yep. Oh, congrats, bro. 50. All right.

You look fucking great, dude. Yeah. I told somebody the other day, they go, how old are you? I got 38. And they didn't flinch. They didn't go, oh, come on. You know, they were just like, and I thought it was kind of funny. And then I was telling my wife that today.

And my wife is not even 30. She's 37. And when I said it, I was like was like oh this must be weird to her because you know she is right yeah she's like no and i'm like i'm old well um before we begin promote everything you'd like to promote and then we're gonna sit down and chat it up love the promotion part this is my favorite part no uh i am on tour starting this week i go out every single weekend until uh mid-february all right and i am uh in a different city every week it's all at eddief.com i am from anchorage alaska down to key west florida i am covering the

whole country and uh have to make up for the last 15 months. And I'm also shooting a special on January 22nd at the Irvine Improv in California. So that will be my new special, which tentatively is going to be called Man Child. And it's about how I basically want to keep living as a child and never take anything seriously. Peter Pan. I am Peter Pan. I don't want any responsibility. I don't want to keep living as a child and never take anything seriously. Peter Pan. I am Peter Pan. I don't want any responsibility. I don't want to, I just want to have fun.

Well, let's talk about, because you want to talk about something very specific. I say some people come in with a life story. Some people come in and talk about a specific struggle. But this one's interesting to me because it's a career thing. So tell me, what happened? Things are going well enough and we're talking about in comedy or was this the shift to get into comedy life was hard for me up until comedy like every nothing came easy for me i was a failure at pretty much everything what what's some of the things you tried that you failed at like school i was i was

but i if i was going to be the bad at i'd be the worst okay like i was kicked out of grade school high school college everything you were for what oh yeah um grade school when they said i took a wig off a nun but i didn't no i didn't do it and but that's what they said they said i did because to this day everyone still says I did it. Even kids that were there. Like, Eddie F. did it. It's that, like, Berenstain Bear thing.

What is it? The Mandela effect? I have no problem saying it. It was Mark Drischler did it. Mark Drischler did it. Fuck you, Mark Drischler! Yeah. Mark Drischler did it.

He probably still has that wig. And I remember when it happened, I was like, we were supposed to do it together. And I wasn't man enough to do it. Mark was like, and I think Mark was kind of an orphan. And I was like, come on, you won't get in as much trouble as I will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have people who love me. Because we had gotten in trouble prior to that.

I went to a Catholic school. I have people who love me. Because we had gotten in trouble prior to that. I went to a Catholic school. We had gotten in trouble for one day our teacher said, hey, we're going to make this – we're going to all divide up in groups and we're going to make an organization and you're going to run your organization. What it does, it's going to be like religiously affiliated and blah, blah, blah. I forget what class it was. So me and my friends made – this is eighth grade. We made the Christian United Nations together we made the christian united nations together

i spelled it in my head cunt and we were the cunts you're the cunts and we had a our emblem was a triangle with lips in the middle come on man i swear to god and our teacher's name was sister colette who we used to constantly call Sister Clit. We would, like, you would raise your hand. You'd go, Sister Clit, Sister Clit, Sister Clit, Sister Clit, Sister Clit. And she was mean. She was an evil woman. Evil.

And she would, she'd called us all Bud. She'd be like, Bud, Bud, Bud. And I just hated being called Bud. I remember she slammed – one of my friends was under his desk. She slammed the desk on his hand. She was just very mean. And so I didn't – we knew she had a wig. We would walk behind her.

We would see it. We would touch it sometimes and play with it when we're standing behind her. And we're like, what's under there? Longer hair? Like, is it a longer wig? No, it was a big curly gray wig but she's a habit like no she didn't wear a habit but they i think that's what happens is they wear habits for so long it kind of makes look i know now this was very cruel and mean like i was a little kid didn't

understand that i i realized it was mean right after it happened i'll tell you that uh but we i saw that like we just joke we we call her Wiggy. Like that was our nickname for her, Wiggy. And everybody was like, wait. So the whole thing was like, we're going to take Wiggy's wig off and we're going to run it up the flagpole. That's what we're going to do. So we had a whole plan. We left our bikes outside. We're going to ride away on our bikes. And so we waited for the day to do it. And everybody talked about it. It was like build up forever. And Mark, I can't believe he did it to this day. That he had the balls to do it.

He ran up behind her. I think I distracted her or something. So I was involved. But he did it. He ran away with it. Like he snatched it off her head? Yeah. And he got on his bike and he rode away.

I actually got on the bus. It gets worse. Got on the bus. Let me get on the slowest moving fucking thing. I got to wait for it. I got on the school bus with my brother and two girlfriends of mine. And the girls had brought eggs on the bus. And we egged the crossing guard on the way home.

That's just shit. Terrible. I would have been right back there throwing them with you that's how they were like double yolk eggs and his name was mr christophic and we called him mr christoph and this is catholic school this is catholic schools and like so he worked our lunchtime he was our recess kind of like a guy that oversaw us and he was you know you feel like these guys are authoritarian and they're mean and everything and so then as like the second or third stop of the bus there was an intersection and he worked there crossing it and we just windows down just egged

this is after the wig incident but i remember after the wig came off i was like jumping up and down the streets laughing so hard and a girl who i kind of like didn't have a crush on but like looked up to and respected and, you know, great family, everything, who was a friend of mine, just came up to me and like shoved me and was like, why would you do that? Like that was terrible. That was – and everybody else was laughing and she kind of like gave me this eye contact where I went and i just felt so small like why did i why did i do why was i involved in this and so they said that i was too immature to go on in school so they sent me back to eighth grade again no yes i had to repeat eighth grade for that i had to repeat eighth grade so i went to a public school then for eighth grade they were they were gonna oh that's not when the military school thing happened they were gonna send me to that school we're about we're about not to talk

about anything you thought you were gonna come in here military school it's like therapy all right so you've never gone to therapy so podcasts for me are therapy yeah so you got excuse me so now you're in a public school repeating the eighth grade you just were in and my mom said i never brought a book home and i was like why should i i already did this and uh when they had parent teacher conferences they called everyone in you know like all the parents would come in and you would go room to room and meet with each teacher my parents came home from the very first parent teacher conference and said that like there was like a special room that all the teachers came to and it was just my parents and they sat around them and they were like they met your parents yeah i won meet the teacher night

yeah it was me my dad goes the janitor and the cafeteria lady are there. Like, they're like. The janitors have never cried. The crossing guards. They're like, these kids. They thought there was something, like, seriously psychologically wrong with me. So they said he can't come back. I remember my mom crying. My mom coming home and crying. It made me so sad because I actually liked the public school and I liked all my friends.

And she's like, they don't want you back. Like Like you can't come back. And I was like, well, what are we going to do now? And my dad's like, I'll tell you what we're going to do. And my dad was like, you're going to go to military school. You went from Catholic school to military school. Yeah. And I got scared. I was like, I don't want to go to military school. I don't. And so I threatened my parents. I was like- Where is this? What state is this? I was in Pittsburgh, but they were going to send me to Valid Forge Military Academy in Philadelphia where they filmed Taps.

Yeah. And I had just remembered the movie Taps because my cousin. Timothy Hutton, right? Yeah. Great movie. Great line from that. Sean Penn, when he auditioned for Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the director asked him what part he played in Taps. He goes, I was the conscience of the film. Who says that at like 20 years old?

At their audition. I was the conscience of the film. Anyway, it looked so scary to me. I was like, I just don't find any fun in that at all. So I was like,

I'll go AWOL. And I was like, if you send me there, I will jump the fence. You're telling your dad. Yeah, I will jump the fence and you will never see me again. And I promise you. Like, you cannot do this to me. So there was this other school they might have sent me to. And finally, the school basically said if I went and got like psychologically tested, then saw a psychiatrist and they would let me back in if they figured it out.

So I went and got tested and they're like, yeah, he's okay. You know, he's just a kid. Let him fucking back in. So I got back in. And then high school, I got kicked out a bunch of times. Never like really permanent. I mean, there was one time that was kind of like – and it was a public school. So they're like, where do you go after public school?

There's nowhere to go. And back to like failure and everything. I honestly tried at school. Like I was bad. But I think like just being bad, I set all the teachers off, pissed everyone off that no one would give me a chance. So, but I just couldn't understand how bad of this struggle was. And luckily I found out right around my junior year that I was pretty good at track at like 110 meter high hurdles. one of the coaches sat me down a football coach

who also coached track and he was like listen you suck at football like you were playing at least yeah yeah i was playing and i was always like six man on the basketball team or like you know i was like okay on the football i was never good or great and i always i think i wanted to be great and i couldn't i just couldn't be. And this coach sat me down and he was like, stop playing football. You're not going to college on a scholarship. No one's going to take you. It's not doing anything for you.

And he goes, and you're going to get hurt. And you have a chance of going to school on a scholarship on track. Like you're good. And I made the state championships. And literally like the track coach from the University of Pittsburgh came to my last track practice before I went to the state championships. And he was like, you going to fuck up if we let you in? And I was like, I promise. I promise.

I won't. Like, please let me in. Please. I promise I won't fuck up anymore. He's like, all right, we're going to let you in. You know, you're going to come run for us. On scholarship. I ran on a small scholarship in the beginning,

and I ended up losing it later. That's another story. Why? There's so much. What did you do to have your scholarship? I don't want to get into it because it involves like... If you can't say it, don't say it. It's just there was an argument over like who deserved it

and who didn't and i felt like the i felt like there was someone was being rewarded that i was beating all the time and i didn't think they were getting it for there was underlying circumstances for them getting it so it was a long story but but college the whole time i was running track i was in the fraternity just getting drunk every fucking day. And I wasn't – Still going out and smoking. Yeah, I wasn't doing well at track because I was like time to party. And so I wasn't focused because there were like two people at my track meets.

I'd go to track meets and there'd be like two people in the crowds. And I'm like, there are more of my high school track meets. This sucks. And I'm riding a bus and I was the only white kid on the team and they were like abusing me for a while. And then they got to be, I got to be really good friends with all the guys on the track team,

but I just liked partying more. I was like, I'm going to party all the way through college. So I got kicked out of college for starting a skydiving club. You started a skydiving club? I started the Panther Skydiving Club. I was hoping you'd bring back the cunts. Shut up. I can't believe in eighth grade we were the cunts.

I can't either. Listen, in high school, we did a talent show where we were the floating semen. S-E-A-M-E-N, okay? And we wore a... No one caught you? No one caught it. We had a wave across the whole front of the fucking stage that said the floating semen. And we wore, four of us, we wore those orange life preservers, no shirts and a pair of shorts and did and did a routine to

super freak literally like like five days before mc hammer's version came out we couldn't even get over it and no one ever fucking caught it but it's on vhs somewhere out there somewhere out there the floating semen yeah there's so much innuendo with kids the cunts i mean my an eighth grade we were at least i think we were seniors. We had a group when I was a freshman. I think it was the seniors showed up at a dance one time, a Halloween dance, dressed as ghosts. But they were clearly Klan members. Like, clearly.

What's that patch on your ghost outfit right there? I mean, the pointiest hood just like just looked exactly like a clay and outfit and i remember them catching them and saying no like this is no this is back in 1990 you know or 1987 or something and they were like no no out out and they're like we're ghosts and they're like no you're not get the fuck out of here but they never caught the cunts actually she did sister colette caught the cunts she took us in the hallway she lined us all up in the hallway made us sit close the door everybody else in the room she's like i've been a registered nurse for 70 years she was so old she's like i don't know

how many years and she's like and you think i don't know what this symbol is because it was a triangle with lips in the middle. I didn't even know what it was. One of the other guys like drew it. I'm like, I've never seen a vagina. Pussy lips on a triangle. And she's like, if you don't think I know what this is and I know what you're doing. And so she goes, I want to know who's responsible for this.

So she made us talk amongst the like four or five of us and figure out who did it and uh who was responsible and i swear we all like looked at mark drishler and we're like mark we all got parents you got the way you got you got you got to take it yeah you got to take it for the rest of us and he was just like all right i got it and i mean he just got like they they went after him for this and we were like sorry mark and then he went no the wig was after that oh the wig was it was after the cunts and uh uh but college panther scott having club i got kicked out and so um i got back into college it was i i basically embezzled money is what they came after me for because i figured out the system and I was involved politically at college and all my friends were all politically involved. And so it was like – I was just like a mobster.

I mean I was like, oh, you mean you can get government contracts? It was the University of Pittsburgh. Okay. And I was like, wait, so if we just submit an application to the allocations committee and we start a group – like I started a club where we would go skydiving that's legal but you're supposed to then advertise the entire university that they can join your club can join yeah no ads anyway just me and my 10 buddies one one jumping out of place one who didn't even go go to pit and you get credits for this too? No, you don't get credits, but the school pays for it.

Like they give us like $30,000. Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God. So we got allocated all this money. How often were you skydiving? So this is where it gets a little weird. The guy who went with us, my friend that didn't go to college was Camp Kevin.

Remember when I've told you all about the guy with the... So Kevin came with us. We go skydiving, Beaver Valley skydiving. This like rinky dink location. They've got a bar there. And I wrote them a check for like the amount, the total amount. And I said, just we'll work it off. You know, give us a credit and we can show up whenever we want and jump out of planes and you just take it off our thing. And so they were like, all right, give us the check, you know. And they had a bar there. So we would drink at the bar. And the school was paying for it. So you made a tab.

Yeah. You made a fucking tab. I feel like I'm, like, nervous talking about this, like, statute of limitations. There are certain things in life that are difficult to understand. But knowing how to feel your best shouldn't be one of limitations. There are certain things in life that are difficult to understand, but knowing how to feel your best shouldn't be one of them. Everly Well can help you learn more about your body so you can finally take control of your health and wellness on your own time. Everly Well offers affordable at-home lab tests that give you trusted physician-reviewed results.

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there's a bunch of billboards apparently on the way in and he's like i can't give you the one like right up by the stadium because you're a titty bar but i could give you about the third one in and he's like but i could do it for this and they were like done so he made an agreement that they would give him like stripper bucks and they could put so he made it created a tab at the titty bar so they could put their thing up there and then he would just go there and get free lap dances and drinks. Can you imagine that? Unlimited titties and drinks. Unlimited lap dances. Just you'd be like, I'm ready again. Yeah, like give me five of you.

I want all five of you. Yeah, the skydiving club. So you make a tab at this bar. But did you ever go skydiving? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We went and scary as shit. The plane caught on fire. It was just a night. make a tab at this bar but did you have did you ever go sky oh yeah yeah yeah we went uh and uh scary as shit the plane caught on fire it was just a night it was it was a nightmare plane got that's a plane i would be happy to jump out that's what i said one of the funny things one of my

buddies who i can't talk about because he's like super successful businessman now in the middle of like his turn to jump out you you this is like a cessna and you're doing static line jumps so you get out all by yourself onto the wing you hold on to the beam that holds the wing up and then the jump master goes go and you let go and you like fly out he gets out on the wing and he goes wait wait wait wait wait wait wait and they pull him back in and he goes my my shoulder just popped out of its socket. And my friend, Kevin looks at me and goes, pussy. And they go, oh, we're sorry, dude. You know, like we're going to have to go into emergency procedure. And he's like, huh? They're like, we can't land with you in the plane. It's too much weight. The plane can't land with all this

weight. It can take off, but it can't land. So we're going to need you to sit right on the edge and just roll out, like hold your shoulder and roll out. And he's like, but I can't, it hurts too bad. He's like, just hold your shoulder into place. He's like, you're going to roll out. He's like the chute will open and he's like, and see if you can then direct yourself down by grabbing the toggles, you know? So my friend's like, he's like, you have to. So he's like, three, two, one. My friend goes out and the guy looks at me, the jump master and goes, works every time. I was going to say, what plane can't land with one person? One person.

Nah, it can only be the pilot when we land. This plane's good for taking off, but not landing. This play is good for taking off. So what happened was I had literally the editor of the newspaper on my skydiving club. I had the president of the student government board. I had the head of the allocations committee. I so one of my fraternity brothers was dating this girl who was, you know, that she was like, what's her name from Nancy Pelosi. She just wanted to look into everything and find out where there was injustice. The editor of the newspaper came after or the assistant editor of the newspaper came after it first.

She's like, I'm going to write this big article about it. The editor of the newspaper buries it he now works at politico he's doing that shit early he buries the article they come after him for burying the article and i'm like oh we're fucking going down and i remember uh like i was threatening people i went up to the girl the assistant editor i was like i know you cheated on your boyfriend. I'll let him know. Like, don't you dare.

Then this other girl came at me from the, the allocations committee. And she's like, I know what you're up to Eddie. If I know what you're up to. And I was like, fuck you. And her boyfriend's with her and I'm looking at him.

He's my fraternity brother. I'm like, I'm going to beat your ass. Like, why are you letting her do this to us? We're all having a great time. Yeah, for real.

And she now works for Hillary Clinton. like why are you letting her do this to us we're all having a great time yeah for real and uh she now works for hillary clinton they're all doing that yeah yeah and uh i like see her on facebook and i'm just like fuck you fuck you you ruined my skydiving club uh so i got in trouble the university like you like, you know, and it was embarrassing. And then I finished. I graduated. But, you know, it was just like fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail. And when I first did stand-up, like, I went to work for my dad and I failed.

I couldn't – like, my dad's like, I'm giving you the business. And I'm like, I'm going to run you into bankruptcy. Like, don't let me touch it. Like everything. I even like my dad wanted me so badly to take over his company. And he's got like an investment company. I was like, Dad, we both know this isn't going to work. Like, you know, just I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare. And I interned in Washington, D.C. for a senator and just got kind of removed from that. And I was like – literally like, what the fuck am I going to do? And I was like, maybe I'm just going to go out to Colorado and be a ski bum because I can do that. And I'll just like be a bartender or something because it was just failure after abject failure. So when I found stand-up, I did I think my first open mic at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh in Station Square. And then night – the first night, they told me. They go, this isn't your first time.

I'm like, yeah, it is. This is my first time. And I had that like – the light hit me. The laughs came. Some people have an awful first. I had an amazing first five minutes. I didn't get a bad one until, like, five in. But the first one, I was hooked.

I was like, and they said, can you come back and host after my first. That's how I got it. And I was like. Pay me 50 bucks. That was it. I think I got 50 bucks. Guess what? What year was that?

Yeah. They still pay you 50 bucks. That was it. I think I got 50 bucks. Guess what? What year was that? Yeah. They still pay you 50 fucking dollars, bro. They still pay 50 dollars. Unbelievable that they get away with that. They still pay you 50 dollars. It should be examined by the Department of Justice. That's what the people that have been looking into your goddamn fucking skydiving club should look into comedy clubs. That's what they should look into comedy clubs that's what they should

look into every time i look at an opener or feature and they're coming with i'm just like what's wrong with you like why would you go through this this is not worth this pain that you're gonna go through to get here 50th show i i first time i did stand up i was 20 years old so in 1993 oh wow you started young but i i did it for like five shows and then a bunch of life happened i didn't do it really start again till 27 okay but the first time i really stepped foot i did i did okay enough that they invited me back and i would say by the third time they asked me to host and it was 50 bucks was that in ireland 93 yeah baltimore where'd you go in this was a place that doesn't even exist in comedy winchester now i was before i was too i didn't want even fucking with that i was went to this place called Winchester's

that was above this Italian restaurant off of Water Street, and it's not there anymore. I stopped in recently, and the people in there didn't even know it was up there before. I'm like, nah. I was like, no, it was next door.

I'm like, yeah, it was right here. Right here upstairs where you're at. 93, I mean, what is that? 2015. Wow. I mean, we're coming up on 30 years. They're still paying people $50. It's terrible.

Yeah. It's not right. But anyway. Yeah, so then quickly, I probably was a lot – I think I was better than I was, like we all do. I thought I was great. I probably sucked. I mean, I don't even want to see tapes of myself but I'm probably so bad but I had an ego I had optimism I had I find

like I was getting laughs and people were booking me other comics were giving me shit right off the bat because they're like who's this new guy that fucking thinks he, you know, and some of them were taking me in somewhere. But I after like, I don't know how many months, like six months, Louis Black came through and he was headlining. I emceed for him and he was like, what are you doing here? He's like, go to New York or L.A. He's like, you're going to get on Saturday Night Live. He's like, you're young.

You're like, you got to look. And I was just I didn't know there was a world outside of pittsburgh i mean i knew but i didn't know comedy and i didn't know it was accessible and he was like no no you go to new york or you go and you're gonna go to auditions and you're gonna and i was like hmm and so i decided i'm like like, I'm going. And I went to New York and I mean, I hit my first audition ever. And it was like, everything came so fucking easy that I started partying like crazy. And I was just, I remember in my head thinking, what's everybody talking about the show business being so hard?

I was like, this is the easiest thing I've ever done. I go to an audition, I get it, and then they pay me. And like in the, you know, I paid my dues for a little bit, like a tiny little bit in the beginning, you know, I waited tables for like a week, then I temped, then I was a personal trainer. But like I think within my first year I year, I was the host of Shark Week. And then I booked like three national spots on commercials. Damn.

Yeah, so I had money coming in. And I was just doing gigs like going around. And then the clubs in New York started booking me. I got Montreal in 2000. So I'd only been doing comedy for like three years. I think I started in 96, so four years. I still haven't got Montreal. Are you kidding me?

I've never been to Montreal. I'm not a comedy store regular. I've never been to Montreal, Aspen back when that was a thing, none of that stuff. But it's so funny how you're more successful than like 90% of the people that have done those. I mean, maybe I am, I guess. Yeah, I mean, it's like we all you're more successful than like 90 of the people that have done this i mean maybe i am like yeah i mean it's like we all have our thing because there's things that get me that i still can't do and i'm like stop like i try to just be grateful but it takes you

it takes you years of being in this business to also realize oh that was that's just not for me yeah but you know like dane cook and uh what's his name louis ck were never comedy store regulars right you know like i just remember how many people esty passed on at at the comedy cellar how many people um uh what's his name uh i can't remember his name at the comic strip was like the hardest thing and everybody got fucking axed there and then there were people that you're like, how does he work here? So it's just, you know, it's so subjective. Yeah.

But they. So things were moving swift and quick for you and you thought it was going to be easy. It got so easy. I swear to God. I've never had a run where I fought that at all. Like you realize now, though, right? Obviously, with hindsight that you're lucky to even have that run, something like that, in this business. Oh, fuck yeah.

But I had no idea. I was driving. Which might be the best way to do this anyway. I was driving fast. I was drinking all the time. I was driving so fast when I'd be out driving around, like 140 miles an hour, whatever that i just felt like i i needed a buzz in life because that wasn't even doing it anymore like i started booking stuff and i was like this is so easy and i started going out on movie auditions i get callbacks on this i booked

i got a development deal i got well i had a development deal i got put on a show on VH1. I got a pilot sold to FX. And I had a pilot with Comedy Central that I was the host. That's a good 10 years. It all happened in like a year. That's insane. And it all crumbled within six months. And when I say crumbled. Why?

It fucking. What happened? The development deal, my writer walked off to go work on, I think it was How I Met Your Mother or something. And he just had a better deal. He didn't like my show. He liked that show. And so he gave his money back and went to that show. Then the VH1 show got canceled.

But my manager kind of fucked it up too he was like negotiating and like asking for way to it's like VH1 they've got like 20 bucks and he's like I want flights to all his colleges and back so he can get back in time and I was doing college I was making a really good living I had a morning radio

show on WNEW which was Opie and Anthony were afternoons I was mornings damn yeah it was all like and i'm like five years four years into the business the comics in new york wanted to murder murder me and i was arrogant as fuck because i didn't know any better and i remember sitting i remember i got in a fight with like rich voss one time we were like arguing back and forth and i love rich and think he's one of the funniest guys in the world. But back then they picked on me so bad that I was just like, fuck all of them.

I remember him just insulting me one night, like, you're not funny and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you want to compare bank accounts? And I was like, you want to, old man? You know, and I was like, that was my like, you're hurting me. I'm going to hurt you. And I remember like Patrice and all these guys just wanting to kill me for this. And I didn't know any better. And I was just like, doesn't this happen to everybody?

I thought they were all in my situation, kind of. I saw Gaffigan doing all these commercials and Judah Friedlander. And I was like, I'd go out, I'd book a commercial. I saw Gaffigan doing all these commercials and Judah Friedlander. And I was like, I'd go out, I'd book a commercial. I watch TV and I'd sometimes have two commercials on right after each other. And on top of it, I was living with my sister, who was like a Wall Street person, had this two-story apartment, and I didn't pay rent. Oh, God.

Fuck you. I want to say fuck you sitting here listening to this right now. I was rich. Yeah. God, fuck you. I want to say fuck you sitting here listening to this right now. I was rich. I was like, I was, and I was just out partying every night, spending tons of money. Like, it was like, I would go do a gig and then I would go do a bunch of gigs. I worked really hard.

I loved doing standup. I loved auditioning. But then I would just go out and party all night, like in the hot nightclubs. And I knew all these like models and everything. And then literally when it crashed, it kept, they kept coming in like phone call after phone call. I remember when the development deal, I was like, so we just get another writer. And they're like, no, it's over. I'm like, what do you mean it's over? And they're like, it's over. They're like, it's done. It's next season. And I was like, and I was like, well, I still got all these other things. And then I get a call like, VH1 canceled that show.

And I was like, okay, I still got my pilot with Comedy Central. And they're like, Comedy Central is not picking up the pilot. And I was like, still sold the show to VH1. The show we sold to FX was a show about sneaking into places called Balls. Me and a bunch of friends made the show where we would gate crash things. 9-11 happens. Oh, yeah, that ain't happening. My manager, agent at the time, who's Baby Doll Dixon,

Jimmy Kimmel's manager, they always talk. He calls me. He's like, it's over. I'm like, what is? He's like, your show. I go, no, no, I just talked to the producers. It's fine. He goes, no. is he's like your show i go no no i just talked to the producers it's fine he goes no because you really think people in this environment want to see a bunch of guys sneaking into places he's like

you're done you're canceled i'm like no they told us we're not and he goes you want to bet he goes i'll bet you and like two days later he's like i told you so they canceled that and then the only thing i had left i was in seinfeldinfeld's movie, Comedian. And I had this really funny scene with Jerry where I introed Jerry and we kind of had this little tit for tat kind of thing. And they paid me. They called me. Hey, you're in Seinfeld's movie. Come down and pick up your check.

The director I had done a commercial for. Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, I'm in this little documentary that's going to be in the movie theaters. I see Jerry's manager at a party one night and we're talking. I said, oh, yeah. I said, I'm in the film. He goes, hmm?

I go, yeah, I'm in the film. He says, no, you're not. I go, yeah, I got paid for it and everything. He goes, no, they just cut 18 minutes out. Now they just got 18 minutes out. And I was like, I thought the way they were canceling this shit with the pilot with Comedy Central. I remember I thought it was terrible. I was like, I can't believe I'm doing this. It's like the worst show.

I don't want to talk about it badly because people are involved that like it, you know, and were involved and worked hard on it. But I knew it was bad it was really fucking bad they strapped the camera on me and and it was called strap on and i yeah and i had to like go and you're supposed to gate i'd put the camera on other people and then i would talk through their ear and it was there were some funny concepts to it but it just wasn't executed and it was again it was just a pilot so maybe the show would have really worked out. But they were like, yeah, you're up against Dave Chappelle has a show, and Colin Quinn has a show, and it's you. You're the three shows Comedy Central is going to decide.

And I was like, well, I'm fucking out. And my manager was like, no, actually, you're the cheapest one. So you're probably going to get picked up. And then they were picking up one show. So then I get the call. He's like, yeah, they picked up two shows. Just not yours. I was like, this just kept happening.

Every time I start getting anxiety about seeing the phone ring. I'll bet man i was waiting for my parents to call me to tell me they weren't my parents like you're adopted it was getting so bad that i swear to god i started to get paranoid and i thought i thought i might be part of a reality show this is how paranoid i. And I thought they're fucking with me. They're fucking with me right now. Somebody's filming me or there's something going on behind the scenes. And it's all going to be like told, hey, we were, this was like a show we were shooting

and we were going to build you up and break you down. And I started to get weird and I was calling. And you know, when you have that stink on you, I had that stink on me. So people I start calling were like, yeah, I got to get weird. And I was calling. And you know when you have that stink on you? I had that stink on me. So people I start calling were like, yeah, I got to go. And no one wanted. And my auditions started going away. My agents were like, ah, you know, like didn't want me around.

And I just felt like an abject failure. Like everything. And I just was like in total fear. And I started going, where's my money? And I remember my girlfriend broke up with me. And like it just started getting really, really fucking bad. And I went home and like spent – I never took time off ever. I took two weeks and went on vacation in New Jersey with my family. And I sat and like basically like my dad's not a

empathetic or sympathetic person at all emotional. And I think I like cried to him and I was like, I don't know what I did, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, you haven't worked hard enough. My dad's like, he's like, you work 40 hours a week. I'm like, I don't have to. He's like, you're going to be a failure for the rest of your life. He's like, you can't do this. And I was like, no, you don't understand my business. He's like, no, I know business and all business. You have to work at least 40, at least to make the minimum. He's like, if you want to be successful, go work 80 hours a week. And I was just, I was in full panic mode because I didn't know where my next dollar was coming from. And I was starting to get broke because I lived off my development deal money and I wouldn't travel because I was

like, hey, I got this money and blah, blah, blah. So all my dates went away and I just figured I'm getting a show and I have this. And when it went away, it went away quickly. And I still didn't have to pay rent. My sister was nice enough, but were still you know you're living in new york city it's hard and when i was at montreal i met a guy who was a british agent and he goes to me he was like came up he's like hello yeah i find you very funny and i was like oh well thank you you know and i kind of mocked him and he was like would you like to come do some shows in england and i was like, no, I would not. I'm going to be a Hollywood superstar. I don't know if you've heard.

And he was like, well, here's my card if you would ever like to come. And I was sitting like just like losing my mind. And I like picked up his card and I called him on the phone. And I was like, hey, dude, I remember his name. His name was Danny Julian. I was like, can I come to England and do some shows? And he went, sure, I'll have this guy call you back with your dates and blah, yeah, we're going to email your dates. And they're like, how long can you come? And I was like, how long do you want me? And they're like, three months. That's how long your visa is. I was like, okay. They send me back with three months of dates like every day. And it was at the time they were paying about 200 pounds a show.

Okay. So that was about close to $400 at the time. So it was $400 like every night of the week. And then double ups and triple ups on weekends. show okay so that was about close to four hundred dollars at the time so it's four hundred dollars like every night of the week and then double ups and triple ups on weekends and i'm like this is amazing and i get to perform which i love to do and i don't have to do shit during the day i can go drink beer i was like this is fucking awesome and i go over the first weekends in uh birmingham england i go to the Glee Club in Birmingham, England. I go on stage.

They have me headlining. And I bomb so fucking hard. Like, so hard. My mouth goes dry. Like, I can't get words out. I'm going. And I'm trying to, like, talk. And I can't talk.

I can't remember any jokes. And I go in the green room. And the stink that I had before is, like, I had left the stink back in New York. But it flew over for that night. It was like. It was on a red eye. We found them. we found them. We found them.

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to the do i wasn't suicidal i've never been suicidal but i was like what do I do? Do I jump on a cruise ship to Jamaica and just end up being that guy that cuts coconuts? I got to go somewhere. I just felt like this guy that I just failed so badly at Hollywood. And I felt like I had failed and it was over. Like Hollywood had said, you're out, you got your shot, you're done. You're never allowed back in. And here I am like new country, new start. Nah, not working here either. And I went home and they had me in a holiday and it was like so fucking tiny. The room was small way. The room with the bathroom was as small as this. Damn. And I'm in the room and I have a breakdown. I fucking broke down. It was like the closest I've come to like a mental breakdown in my life. I bawled my eyes out.

I was just like, I have no money. I have no girlfriend. I have no girlfriend. My girlfriend had dumped me. I remember like right before that, my radio show had got, well, I left the radio show because they were going to fire me. And I was like, I was like, I'm going to Hollywood and I got this and this and this. Like, I thought I sold a script. And it was just, I'm in that hotel room and i'm like what am i doing i'm in a

foreign country alone i'm i think i was like almost i was over 30 so i'm like all my friends are getting married having kids i don't have a dollar in the bank i don't have a girlfriend i have just fucked up so badly. And I was like, I've just made the biggest mistake that my parents were trying to tell me was going to happen. And I didn't listen to them. And here I am. And they had warned me, like, don't go into entertainment. Don't do this.

Come work here. And I was like, fucking they were right. I thought I knew better than them. And I'm a loser for the rest of my life. And there's a funny story that I've done a bit about it. I pulled out a newspaper and just started reading this like random newspaper that they put outside your room. And I started reading about 9-11.

And I was like, I got to do anything because I didn't have the internet then. You were in England when 9-11 happened? No, I was in New York when 9-11 happened. But this was like after I got to do anything because I didn't have the internet then. You were in England when 9-11 happened? No, I was in New York when 9-11 happened. But this was like after 9-11. I think it was the year anniversary. And so it'd be like, this was 2002 when I'm in England and I'm in this hotel room in Birmingham. And I pull out this newspaper to just read it to get my mind off my nervous breakdown. to just read it to get my mind off my nervous breakdown. And I read this article about,

it was talking about all these people that died in 9-11, it's a year anniversary. They interviewed this one guy that lost his wife who was a flight attendant. And he said, I'm reading the article. And right away I went, all right, time to put, screw my head on straight. Here are these people that have like the most horrific thing that's ever fucking happened. And I'm complaining because a bunch of people booed me. They did boo me off. You got actually booed? Oh, they booed me off the stage.

They booed me off. Oh, it got louder and louder and louder. Do they say, boo? What's a boo sound like? I's pretty sure it started as hissing and then it went to booing and then it went to just me slithering off stage but i'm like i don't have it so bad you know like i gotta put my head on straight yeah so i'm reading more and the guy says that uh he lost his wife she was one of the flight attendants in one of the planes he goes they had a they had a great life together and he was happy for that

he goes one of the things about their relationship they always laughed how important laughter was and I was like oh you know that's what I try to do I try to make people laugh and then he said he was their last night together before she died before she was on the plane,

they were at a comedy club. And they were at a comedy club and he said he was just glad that they had that night together because she was laughing so hard, tears were coming out of her eyes. And he had mentioned that he was stand up New York because I think she flew out to Boston and flew back. I forget what it was because I think she was on the flight that came from Boston. And he said he was glad that they had that night together because that's what he'll always remember is just like her laughing. So I had a Palm Pilot at the time. I opened up my Palm Pilot. I'm on all – my manager at the time was – at that time was Kerry Hoffman from Stand Up New York.

I worked his club constantly. And I'm like, Stand Up New York. I always worked Stand Up New York. I worked his club constantly. And I'm like, Stand Up New York? I always worked Stand Up New York. That's weird. They were there. I open up the date. I look. I worked all three shows.

Hell yeah. And I'm like, this is great. And I don't believe in coincidence. And I'm like, wait a minute. This could be like something from that. It's bigger than a coincidence yeah i'm like this is a sign that something's like that this is and then i just started to gain perspective i'm like you are like his wife's dead my career's dead i should just wrap this shit i'm killing people not only is my career dying but anybody that sees me is dying

the last club i paid i found out i found out the glee club at jonglers burned down or at the fermia burned down after i left everybody in it. No, I was like, it honestly was that little thing that I went, okay, change your perspective. It's not about the money and the success and the partying and the girls and the fucking this and that. It's about, why did you start this? You want it?

I honestly wanted to make people laugh. I love making people laugh. That's why I did it. So I was like, just fucking make people laugh. I love making people laugh. That's why I did it. So I was like, just fucking make people laugh. And I was like, that's all this is about. And I don't give a shit if I make another dollar. I don't give a fuck about whatever it is. And I remember I was going home to like my, I forget if it was like my 10 year, I think it was my 10 year, 15 year.

I forget, high school and high school and reunion. And I was like, so worried about going home and just doing everybody going like, what are you doing? Nothing, nothing. And so I go the next night, I got to go to the Glee Club and perform in Birmingham. And they've moved me to feature. They've bumped me down from headliner. in Birmingham and they've moved me to feature. They've bumped me down from headliner.

And I find out all my dates have changed now that I'm no longer the headliner. After one show. Yeah. And I'm like, and they were like, oh, it's okay. You're still going to get paid the same amount, but we just think maybe it'd be better if you go on before the, and I was like, oh, fuck. So I get a little angry and it was a lot of like, this is right around the war. So it was a lot of like, oh, you fucking American, blah, blah, blah. And so I'm mad now. And I go on stage and instead of being like, I'm sorry, I'm an American. I went on stage and I went,

I'm an American. And they went, boo. And I go, boo, boo boo you got fucking blood on your hands too you're over in fucking Iraq and Afghanistan with us and I'm like you fucking boo me you fucking dumb fuck and I just started hammering them and all of a sudden oh yeah like they they start coming around the Bill Burr Philly thing yeah it was and the same exact jokes that I got booed on, they start clapping, stomping, going berserk. And it was to this day one of the best sets I've ever had. I went from the worst set I've ever had to one of the best sets I've ever had. And I walk off stage and they do intermissions and everything. I go to the green room.

I'm all happy. I'm not going to get sent home. I was thinking I was getting sent home. And I'm like, they're not going to get sent home. I was thinking I was getting sent home. And I'm like, they're not going to send me home. I'm in the green room. And the MC goes, Tony Law. I know the guy still to this day. He goes, Eddie Ift.

The crowd's staring. And they're stomping on the ground. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I don't know what. We don't do that. And he's going, Eddie Ift. And they're stomping. And I'm like, and he goes, Eddie Ift.

And I'm like, what the fuck's happening? So he comes, he runs into the green room and he grabs me, he pulls me outside. Oh, they wanted you to come out. They wanted me to do an encore, which they do in the UK and Australia. But we don't do that. So I didn't know. So you're doing five more minutes or something? Yeah, you do five.

So I come out on stage. They're all standing. I'm getting a standing ovation. I walk out on stage and I go. I wave. And I walk off stage. So the crowd that was like so excited for me to come back out. I just insult them again.

I go. And I walk off. So then he closes the show down for the intermission or whatever. And he comes back and he goes, what the fuck? Why wouldn't you encore? And I go, huh? He goes, why didn't you encore? They went, I'm like, encore?

What? Like a band? And he's like, yeah. And he goes, you're supposed to do like five more minutes. And I was like, oh, I oh i go well i already did my best i didn't have anything good left anyways so i can keep my shit for the they they they would have been very unhappy with that can we do a q a so i do then that was the weekend. The next weekend, I'm back to headlining. And I was like, okay.

Like I survived the switch. And my agent told me. He was like, yeah, well, you're a little worried. The club called and said how bad it went and blah, blah, blah. But I went home with this like newfound kind of – like I worked in England for like three months and just had the best fucking time. It was just all about comedy. It's all I cared about. I didn't give a shit about auditions.

I didn't care of TV. I didn't money nothing. It was just like they would wire money into my account. And it was all about a comic in England said it to me once. I was like, so how do we get on TV over here? And he's like, why would you want to get on TV? I'm like, it's what we do in America. He's like, you're performing live every night you're getting

paid well what do you why do you want more and i was like because he's like you're so american and i was like yeah like why do i want more this is awesome this is amazing like why should i want anything else other than this so i came back to america with that attitude of like i'm just going to try to be a really good comic that's what i'm gonna try to do and not listen to anybody else and blah blah blah and the joke i tell on stages i contacted the dude uh who was in that article man i was hoping i was gonna ask you okay good so i wanted to let them know out of the terrible tragedy like this little bit of good happened that i was continue performing and like going around all over the world, trying to make people laugh,

just so like there'd be laughter in life. And so I contacted the guy and the guy agreed to meet me for coffee. And so when I showed up- Where, where were you meeting? Upper West Side. So he was from the Upper West, that's why he's at Stand Up New York. When I showed up where where were you meeting Upper West Side so he was from the Upper West that's why I was at stand up New York when I showed up at the uh coffee shop it was outside

I walk up and right outside the fences are I'm outside the fences he goes oh my god no he's like I totally remember you from the show I got chills dude oh he goes he goes you're the one guy my wife didn't like. Well, whatever. It changed your goddamn life. You're the one. And I was like, she was probably at the like early show i'm better on the late show side oh man yeah and you know what it hasn't it hasn't gotten any i mean i've had ups and downs since then and it still happens it. It's like, I mean, you know, we all know. I always think back to, I don't know if you've seen her documentary, but the Joan Rivers documentary. There's two points, there's two moments that really stand out in that.

One was her, she had her day runner, and she would just show months of blank pages, months of blank pages. And then the other one is i was i still laugh about it it's one of the funniest things it was uh her manager at the time was saying that he also had managed richard prior and it was that whole like you don't we don't know what the look i need to eat tomorrow okay i need to eat tomorrow not pay bill i need I need to fucking eat, have a place to – a roof over my head. And he was like, okay, Richard. And I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like, you know, first year or two, we're going to work on some stand-up, get you in doing some TV spots and specials. Year three, maybe we'll get you into the movies.

Year four, year five. And he was like, look, man, that all sounds great. But what the fuck are we going to do about Monday? And it has just – that is – I'm like, yes, that is the hustle mentality. Yeah. And all that sounds fucking great. But what are we doing about Monday? I felt like everyone I worked with in this business was like that too.

And, you know, I go to these agencies and they'd be like, turning down all this work for me because they're like, no, we can't take that money. We have to get big money for you. And I'm like, but no one's paying it. And they're like, just sit and wait and it'll come. Be patient. And I'm like, I can't fucking be patient. And then they're like, you got to stay in town for the auditions.

And I'm like, I can't. I got to go to this gig. I got to go get this. And they're like, can't you borrow money? I'm like, no, no. Have you seen my credit? No, no comic can borrow money. No comic.

I guess there are some guys out there that have rich parents. And when they do, my parents were probably upper middle class. They wouldn't give me a fucking dollar. My dad said, if you're gonna do this, you do it on on your own and don't ever come to me for a dollar and never gave me a dollar and i never went to him because out of pride so i would like when i first lived in new york city my first like when i first got there before like i got my commercial i would i would have no money i would take the bottles and cans from our parties and take them in to get the money to go buy lunch that day. And, you know, because no one was paying me to do stand-up at that point.

And it was just such a struggle. I'm sorry. I'm still thinking about you being the only guy she fucking hated. I can't stop laughing. It's kind of the story of my life. And then you got to sit and have coffee with the guy. You're walking up and he hits you with that. Then you got to sit there.

Hey, I remember you. You're the guy that. Yeah. Dude. All right. First of all, thank you for doing this. Thanks for having me. Thanks for letting me get the therapy. You got it, brother.

I do want to ask you, it's your first time here. I ask everybody advice you'd give to your 16-year-old self. Like knowing what you know, what we just talked about now, going back, what would you definitely tell 16 year old Eddie if? It's funny you asked me because when I leave here, I've got a phone conversation with a friend's son who is 15 years old, who wants to be a comedian. And I'm giving him like some advice. He wants to be like an SNL writer, performer kind of thing and i auditioned for snl like three years into comedy which i shouldn't have or i should have gone balls out i was so in my head about that like i'm not ready for this i'm not funny enough for this blah blah blah and so i just killed myself i either should

have gone into like i'm the funniest fucking guy in the world or I got to wait till I am the funniest guy in the world. But I would say, you know, 16 year old me, I just say, you're going to get knocked down a million times, a million times. And it's just like Rocky, just, you got to get up and you just got gotta fight because it's all it's life it's like you know i've just dealt with you know a death in the family uh i'm put this way it's like the best of my life right now is the best it's ever been yeah at the same time it's the worst it's ever i mean my mom just passed and my but i love my wife i love my kids i love where i live i love my friend but like then i'll get like i just had bronchitis where I was coughing and thought I was fucking dying of like something. And you're going to get hit every day with good shit and you're going to get hit every day with bad shit.

My dad always says life's running hurdles on a treadmill uphill. Amen to that. And if you stop, the hurdles are going to hit you and knock you down. So you just got to keep jumping over them. And you're just going to hit you and knock you down so you just got to keep jumping over them and you're just gonna be at a level and wherever that level is just be happy at that level because the levels are going to change and if you decide you can only be level at a happy at a high level then you're going to be fucking miserable yeah so find happiness wherever you are and just get ready for struggles and get through them because the good times are going to come back again. And it's going to go good.

It's going to go bad. It's going to go good. And, you know, this business just keep flipping over the stones because who knows? Who fucking knows? This shit didn't even exist when we started. That's right. I never knew. I never wanted this i kind of love this for a reason for that but it wasn't what i wanted

so i'm i still sometimes have that mentality of like when am i getting my sitcom and i'm like it's not coming anymore the last development deal meeting I went on, in the middle of it, they looked at me and they went, is it a deal breaker if you don't star in the show? You mean in the Eddie If story? Yeah. And I was like, so I'm out. And they were like, is it a deal breaker? And I went, at first I was so butthurt. I was like about to get up and be like

like are you kidding me you came to my show you saw what i do and you don't you want to buy my my concept you don't it's me and then two seconds into that it quickly kicked in i'm like wait you mean i'm never gonna have to lines? I don't have to put makeup on? I don't have to sit in a trailer all the time? I was like, you just gave me my dream job. I call it mailbox money. And I said, I go, oh, it's kind of a deal breaker if you make me be in the show. I was like, can we do it that I don't want to be in the show? And they were like, yeah.

And then afterwards, everybody's like, hold on. Slow down. Slow down. And I was like, no, I really don't think – I love hanging out with my kids. And I don't want to be away from them all the time. And I don't want to – like I don't want to miss out on life. Like I would love to make a great TV show, but I don't want to be on set 24 hours a day and filming and going into late night. I don't enjoy acting enough.

Yeah. Well, dude, thank you for doing this. Hey, thank you. I love it. I love your show. Again, promote everything you'd like. Yeah, go – my special, come to the taping Irvine Improv, January 22nd. Tickets are going to go on sale soon because I got to fill it for two shows

and that's a big room to do it and then my newest album's out it's called Sweet Home Alabama and it's available on YouTube and everywhere else iTunes, Amazon and then also my tour is at edief.com

so I'll be everywhere and if you're into working out I do a podcast called WODcast. I know I don't look like it, but I do. I work out constantly. I'm hurt always. All right, brother. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank you. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. And as always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to y'all next week. you