The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Felipe Esparza - Reunited

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, father & grandfather Felipe Esparza! Felipe tells stories about his crack addiction, getting separated from his children when they were young and reconnecting with them years later through the internet. Felipe also talks about his daughter's terminal cancer and the time they have left together. SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: If you visit my special link right now EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW, you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free! Support the show, watch what you want, and protect yourself at EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW.

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by ExpressVPN. More on that later, let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it, Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media uh ryan sickler.com and the honeydewpodcast.com or where you can go for any and all information related to myself or the shows all right i record here

at the santa monica music center uh so if you live in la and you need musical instruments or lessons for your kids you go to santa monica music.com use the code honeydew they'll waive the registration fee and they'll give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package all right intro is shorter now y'all and uh if you don't know what we do over here we highlight the low lights over here we laugh in the face of adversity we're showing a little bit of light on that darkness. These are strong people. These are the stories behind the storytellers. Today, first guest here for the first time. Very excited to have him on.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Felipe Esparza, everybody. All right. What's up? What's up? You look good and you look good, man. Thank you, man. All right. Wait, where can everybody get that?

Please. Listen. Plug and promote everything. Your social media, your podcast, your merch, all of it, Felipe. Felipe'sworld.com. F-E-L-I-P-E-S world.com. Get my face mask, tour, merch, everything. Great.

Felipe'sworld.com. All right. And what's your podcast? My podcast is What's Up Food Podcast. We're already at 315th episode. Damn, are you really at 315th? Yes. Holy shit.

Congrats. I know that's a labor of love right there. Yes, man. Yeah, that's a lot. We've been doing it for a while now since. Fuck, I don't even know how many years. I mean, I know we did about 350, something like that, with the crafties. It ended up being like seven and a half years.

You're in, dude. I mean, we did one a week. I don't know if you do more than that. We do one a week. Dude, congrats on that. There's a lot of people that, shit, I started a second one already. That's good for you, dude. I know my wife and I, we had started one together, too.

It was called Enchilada Casserole Podcast because my wife is white, you know. And that was more of a personal podcast. That one we dealt more, you know, personal stuff like the honeydew, you know, stuff that you wouldn't talk on a dude podcast, you know. Yeah, exactly. Or a sports podcast. We talked about it. Because my wife and I, we were trying to have a baby, you know, when we started the podcast.

So along the way, like, we had a miscarriage. So we dealt with a miscarriage on the Enchilada podcast. We didn't talk about it on the West South Food podcast. We talked about it on the Enchilada.. We didn't talk about it in the West Coast Food Podcast. We talked about it in the Enchilada. And we tried one time. And I remember going to the hospital. And we were so excited. And, man, like I had kids before.

But I was not like present, you know, like a full dad, you know. That's what we're going to talk about. I wasn't involved in like the nothing, you know. So can what we're gonna talk about some of that involved in the in like the nothing you know so can i ask you real quick were you we'll get we're gonna come back to that i'll come back to it go ahead go ahead so you're at the hospital we're at the hospital and then you know how many months pregnant three four okay then you felt the heartbeat boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom and then you go back like two weeks later and there's no pump, pump. You know, there's no pump.

And like the baby was already passed away inside, you know. So we have to go through that, you know. And like having a miscarriage was like giving birth the same way, you know. So that was that time. And then it happened again a second time. Then the third one. You had two miscarriages. Three. Three?

Oh, man, I'm sorry. It was three and I was fucked up. And the third one was the toughest because when you have a miscarriage, you have to get the baby out because the baby is not going to live. It's already dead. It's three months.

It's a fetus. It's already dead. You know, it's three months. Not even a, it's a fetus, you know, it's done. And we went to this hospital called Praise, I don't know the name of the hospital. It's in Sylmar. I don't know the name of it, but it's a Catholic hospital. And I didn't know that at this hospital they couldn't do the miscarriage because of religious reasons. Oh, yeah, that's right.

But we had to prove that the baby was already not living to take him out because, you know, that's the religion. But it was tough, man, because my wife had to get a— So that hospital, because of the religious, the Catholic beliefs, they make you prove the baby is passed before they'll remove it from her body. Yeah, because they don't do abortion. They don't want to be involved in none of that. So they had to get, I don't know, man. They had to call religious people and approve it to take the fetus out. And then we found out at the same time that my wife had to get a hysterectomy.

Oh, no. So, man, everything was piling down. So there goes the opportunity. Oh, no. So, man, everything was piling down. So there goes the opportunity. Yeah, man. So we lost everything right there, like no more. We couldn't have a kid, and I was kind of fucked up. It was like during Christmas time. This last year?

Like three years ago. Three years ago. Two years, three years ago, man. Yeah. And what did that, how did that change you? Oh, man, it just like made me realize we're not gonna have a kid but you have how many i have three of my own already all right yeah three kids and how old are you now my kids are um my oldest kid was born in 88 i think so how old were you how old are you right now? I'm in 50. You're 50?

Yeah. Damn, you look Felipe. Shit, I would have never guessed that. I would never guess that. That's right, cocksuckers. It's not about the hee-hees and the ha-has. You're going to put up lotion. Oh, shit.

All right, so how old were you when you had your first kid? When I had my first kid, I was like 17 or 18 years old. You're young. All right, and then how old when you had your first kid when i had my first kid i was like 17 or 18 years old all right and then how old when you had your second kid 20 and then how old the third one 24 i don't remember all right and are they all with the same lady no different moms all different moms okay i have one with two kids and one with one kid. Okay. And you were estranged from your kids? You split from them or you were separated from them? What happened? We were living in the Pico Aliso housing projects.

That's where I grew up. Yeah. Man, I had a great childhood. I had a lot of friends. You also had a wild childhood. You did. I had a great you know like I had a great childhood you know I had a lot of you also had a wild childhood you did a lot of friends and we broke up you know I was not spending a lot of time at home so she ended up like meeting someone now like cheating on me like behind my back for about a year and a half like really cheating when. When you already had a kid together too? Yeah, we already had two kids together. Oh, two at that point. Yeah. And I was getting into a lot of trouble,

like a lot of trouble. Like I remember I couldn't be home a lot because something would happen in my neighborhood and they would go after the usual suspects so they knew who to go. You were a usual suspect? Yeah, even though I didn't do nothing. You just get pulled in, huh?

I stood out in the crowd because my hair was short and I wore Vans instead of Converse. I remember the police. Someone had got killed right outside the, like, right outside the house. Like some 14-year-old kid. Someone drove by and shot up the neighborhood, like, and he got hit in the head. I remember I ran out of the house to just, you know, when you're young and you grew up in a bad neighborhood, or wherever you grew up, you hear gunshots, you're going gonna go outside after everything's quiet for the neighbors to see what happened so we went over there to see the body most of the neighbors and it was just laying there

you saw it yeah we saw it man how old were you when you saw it 20 21 okay but then some of us stood there too long so the police took our names. You know, we fucked up. He took our names to see if we knew anything. We didn't know anything. So the police are going the next week, door to door, looking for everybody on that list of their names to see who did what, to see who knows what. And I didn't know. I forgot that they took my name down. So I thought they were looking for me

for something I did you know for some other shit so as soon as they opened the door I ran man I ran out of the back door you did and I ran did they chase you?

no but I thought they didn't turn around but I live in the housing projects where they had clothes hangers on top of the roof Did they chase you? No. But I thought they didn't turn around. But I live in the housing projects where they had clothes hangers on top of the roof to hang up your clothes. So you go up the third floor. And every other building, you go upstairs to the roof. So I ran to the building, and I ran upstairs, and I hid for a while. And then they left.

Then they came back the next day. But this time when I went out the back door, they were in the back door. They're just waiting on your ass. They handcuffed me in the house. And I didn't do anything. They handcuffed me in the house and they took me to see a bunch of photos. You know, I didn't recognize anybody. I didn't recognize anybody. I didn't know anybody.

I mean, I wasn't that far as a, how you say, like, I'm not a, I wasn't a witness, you know. I was just being nosy. Right. There's a big difference. I was being nosy. I'm just being nosy I don't know shit I went out there to look

and for anybody out there who's listening something bad ever goes up somewhere don't stick around man leave just get the fuck out of there

leave man don't go back the cops will show up and start asking for everybody's ID you might have a warrant that's the day you go so the police took me all

the way to the Hollomback Division Police Department. They showed me a bunch of photos. I said, I don't know anything. I was watching Saturday Night Live. You know, 1145. You know. And they let me go. They drove me back. This is how mean

those police were. They dropped me out in front of everybody. Nah. They let you out in front of everybody. And they told me, thanks. That's a death sentence. So as soon as I got out, only one person saw me come out of the car.

He goes, oh fool, you snitch, you know? The person saw me come out of the car and he goes, oh, fool, you snitching now? And I just put my head down and said, no, man. These fools. I lied. I said, these fools were going to drop me off in the wrong neighborhood right now. Enemies. They're in the wrong neighborhood.

So I told them to just drop me off right here real fast. I know those people. And they said, you fucking liar. They didn't believe me, so, but there was only one guy who saw me, so, so, I was never around, my, my girlfriend would always go look for me, you know, like, where are you at, you know, come home, and I'm never home, so, she ended up meeting somebody, and they were, like, cheating me on my back for, like, a year and a half. I never noticed. I never thought to think that somebody's going to, you know, no one has ever cheated on me before. You know, you don't know what cheating is. Yeah. You know, I never cheated. Like, I didn't ever, I mean, I don't know.

I didn't chase women. And I chased a nightlife. No. I didn't chase women. And I chased a nightlife. No. I liked to boogie. So I love being out, man. For me, like, I didn't have a – I didn't go to the high school partying. You know, I didn't party in high school. I didn't go to college to party.

in high school. I didn't go to college to party. So, you know, for me, man, listening to like Led Zeppelin 2 with my Native American friends and drinking beer all night

and that was the life, man. That was enough, yeah. You think those, like when it's happening at that moment, when you're at the moment, you think it's never going to get better than this, man.

Like, you don't think you're going to be 40 one day and then 50 or 30. So she ended up cheating on me and she ran off with that guy. I never saw them again. And your kids? Yeah. And what did you have, boy, girl, two boys? A boy and a girl from her.

But this is funny how deep she was in cheating. from her. But this is funny how deep she was in cheating. She brought the guy over to the house and said, that was my cousin and we're going to go to Texas. And then really we're going to go to Texas. I helped her load,

I helped this guy, the guy she was sleeping with, load all her stuff inside his car. Wait a minute. You helped her pack up and leave. Hell yeah, dog. That sucked. Dude.

It was hurtful back then. Oh, that is hurtful shit right there, man. Dude, and then like when I talk about it now, my saving grace is this. I didn't give him gas money because I held back. That was where you drew the line. I drew a line, bro. In the back of my head, I was thinking, should I give him gas money? Dude, not only that, she gave me a hug in front of him and a kiss. Told me she loves me.

And took the kids. Took the kids. Your kids. Your kids and his car. With this dude. To Mexico, I don't know, El Pas the kids. Your kids. And his car. With this dude. To Mexico. I don't know. El Paso somewhere.

And gone. Imagine though man. If I would have given him gas money. He could have had three comedy specials based on that. Like. He would have had t-shirts bro. It would have been memes. Yeah.

He would have had merch. It would have been. Not only was I fucking his chick. This guy gave me gas money even the sound guy is laughing yeah man

that's terrible dude isn't that crazy so then what you don't try to track her down no man when do you find out this isn't her cousin

and she's been cheating on you and all that? When does that come out? When she started, I found out she was cheating because the guy told me. He did? He told me, right? When?

He told me right after they had broken up. Because he felt bad. And I remember her like... I know you fucked your back up that day loading up the truck. Yeah, man. I got something else. He goes, I couldn't take it no more, man. He goes, when I was having an orgasm, I wasn't feeling good no more.

He's guilty. I gotta tell you, homie. He showed me photos of her, him together. and I was like, that can't be her. She's never that happy. You know, like, try to joke around, you know, make a joke about it. I remember when she told me, man, when I confronted her, she wore glasses. And I remember, man, I was sad, and I just grabbed her glasses, and I broke them in half. And I remember, man, I was sad, and I just grabbed her glasses, and I broke them in half.

Yeah, man. Okay, so when did you meet the next girl that you have a kid with? No, I went to rehab. You did? Before? Yeah. I talked about it on This Is Not Happening. I got into a fight with some guy eventually when I was living not doing nothing.

I went to rehab for about a year and three months. So I lost contact with them the whole time. You were in rehab for a year and three months? Yeah. For what? Crack. Are you for real? Yeah, man. I was like 20 or 21. So even though

you couldn't have been a father anyway. No, I started picking up smoking crack after they left. Oh, you did? That's it. It really fucked you. Damn, dude. Why a year and three months? Why 15 months of rehab?

I was there for like seven months, six months, graduated. Yeah, they gave me a certificate, bro. Graduated. The University of crack university of crack USA man my diploma was rolled up real thin bro so you can snort it for real man those heroin addicts at my graduation clapping and hitting

their arms. Yeah, I was there for about a year, but then I went back home. But wait, I'm sorry. You said like seven months you're there or whatever. And like is it because it's that drug is that powerful and that addictive that they can't let you out yet? No, no, no, no. I volunteered. Some of these guys that were there, they were sent by the court, you know, or like they were called back then.

They were called N numbers, I guess. I guess when you get locked up, you start off with an A, and they run through all the numbers. Then it's B. So I guess when I was in my 20s, there were Ns. Okay. So they were called N numbers, and they were people that were locked up for drug offenses. So they were allowed to go to rehab or go to jail.

Six months of rehab was four months of sober living, which is nine months, or one whole year of jail time. So these guys jumped on six months of sober and four months of sober living. But you went voluntarily. Voluntarily, yeah. You were like, I need help. I was sent there by Father Greg Boyle from Homeboy Industries. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, he sent me in there.

Wow, really? Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah. And I was like the youngest. I can't believe back then I was like one of the youngest kids there. I was 20-something, and there was people there that were 59, like heroin addicts. Like, man, I was just telling myself I want to come back at this age. Yeah, I don't want to be this guy.

Yeah, man. 59 in the cranial area. Giving her a couple for five bucks. I had a guy, a dude that he did 30 years in prison. Like, he did 10. Got out. Was out for three months. Did another 10.

Then got out and did another eight. You know what I mean? This guy cut my hair. He gave me a haircut with razor blades. Nah, just straight edge. Like he had scissors and all this. He did it with a razor blade, dude. He was like 62 years old, dude.

He still had a, he's still boxing. Old man. So when I come out of rehab, Father Greg Boyle tells me, your daughter being baptized today. He tells me out of the blue. Oh, okay. So I go over there to the rehab,

not to church. Wait, what daughter? I thought they took her to Texas. No, but they came back. Oh, they did? Okay. So they came back. You know, they were visiting. Oh, they weren't visiting. It was like back. You know, they were visiting. Oh, they were just, they weren't moving.

It was like a Texas trip, you know, but still. All right. It still helped them load their stuff. Okay. They could have went for the weekend. A little three-day weekend down to Texas. And I came out of rehab. And I was there,

I was home for a while, and Father Greg Boyle told me, they're baptizing your daughter. I said, really? Okay. So I wasn't even invited, I haven't spoke to them in a year and a half now, so I just sat in the back,

and I watched it all go happen. You did? Yeah, my son passed. They didn't even know you were there? They didn't even recognize me. My son passed by, and he didn all go happen. You did? Yeah. They didn't even know you were there? They didn't even recognize me. My son passed by and he didn't recognize me. Dude, what did that feel like? It felt weird.

And then I saw my... He didn't say hi or anything? Nothing. He just didn't want anybody to know anything? No, he didn't recognize me at all. It didn't even click on him. Oh, this is my dad. Nothing.

Like he saw a ghost. I was invisible and then now i saw my daughter getting baptized by the the same dude that i was like watching the dude um baptizing my daughter and it was hey that's the guy helped load his stuff so you know me i put put on my weightlifting belt and see if they want anything else to get packed. You guys need help out of the church. So, I went over there, man, and I walked to the church where they were baptizing her. Like, before, like, they were about to congratulate them.

So, I just walked over there I didn't even look at the people looking at me cause they thought I was gonna go over there like kill somebody I guess they thought I was gonna do something violent you know but that was like the farthest thing from my mind I went over there and I just held my daughter

for a little while and I gave it back to them what was that like? weird so I just gave it back to them. What was that like? Weird. Yeah. Yeah. So I just gave it back to them and I went on my way. And then when's the next time you saw them?

Like 18 years later, 17. What, 18? All right. So that's what I want to talk about because now, obviously, in that 18 years, you have a third child. Is that a, you have a boy or a girl? Yeah, I had a boy. Okay. How long after your daughter's

baptism do you have your next son i don't know man like six years okay and and how do you what happens there why do you why are you not in his life well i'm in his life but always yeah oh the whole time you were okay yeah we live together and then like i will see him on the weekends and i will take him to the laughugh Factory. You would? Yeah. Wait with Brother Woods. Yeah. And, yeah, he got to see a lot of stuff. Okay.

He knows his dad. So you've been in his life the whole time, but you were separated from your other two kids for another 18 years. So recently, or somewhat recently, you reconnected, right? Yeah, I think like in 2007 or 2006 or eight what happened on facebook how who who made the connection my daughter did she reached out yeah how old was she at the time i don't remember 16 i think okay or 17 and what was the first message i don't remember she called me actually oh really yeah because i remember she added me first.

Because I remember I made a bit about it. I said, yeah, I met my daughter on Facebook. She left me a comment. We didn't get the child support. I had to block that bitch. You just came into my life. You starting drama, bitch? You just hit day one.

Your first day. Yeah, not changed. You are just like your mama. So what happened? She called and said, did you know who it was right away? No. Do you remember what she said to you?

Oh, she left a message. You don't know me, but such and such. I am your daughter. And then we called. I called her from the... Were you excited or nervous? Yeah, I was doing a show at excited or yeah i was doing a show at

um i remember i was doing a show in orange county with um edwin's on one yeah it was on one it was a good night i had a good set did you talk to her before or after the show no before the show i'll bet yeah yeah i'll bet you were excited to take the stage after that how'd the conversation go it was a good call i don't remember man but i remember telling my No, before the show. I'll bet. Yeah. I'll bet you were excited to take the stage after that. How'd the conversation go? Was it a good call? I don't remember, man, but I remember telling my friends, hey, man, just spoke to my daughter.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah, but they didn't know. They didn't know shit. You hadn't talked to her for 18 years. Yeah. They're probably like, that's nice. Good for you. So then did your son come around quickly as well, or was it your daughter first?

It was my daughter first, yeah. How long before your son was reaching out? My son and my daughter had been coming to see my mom before I met them already. So then one day we all met up. Where did you meet? I was living on 2nd and Main. Yeah, I was living on 2nd and Main. I remember I was sharing a laugh with another comedian.

That shit was expensive. You're talking about Santa Monica? No, downtown LA. 2009 or 2008. And what's the first thing? Did you see your daughter first or your daughter and son together when you finally met up? No, I saw them both. And where did you go?

I don't remember where we went. We went to go eat. Wait. I don't remember. Do you remember what you talked about? No, we didn't talk. We just took quiet. We just hung out. It was a quiet meal? Does that talked about? No, we didn't talk. We just took quiet. We just hung out.

It was a quiet meal? Yeah. Does that feel weird? No. No? I didn't have much to say. You ain't talked for 18 years. I guess it felt normal.

Yeah, man. Okay, so you reconnect with your children through social media. Yeah. And what is the relationship like now? Are you guys all spending time together? Are you around each other? Do you see each other more? When I was living at the loft, it was my son's birthday,

and he wanted to have a, no, we're going to go have Thanksgiving At my mom's house So my daughter came over And We helped She helped me clean up my whole loft And we baked a cake So I thought that was the first time We ever did anything together

That's nice We baked a strawberry cake Yeah Like a good ass fucking strawberry cake I read the whole recipe bro Like I let my daughter know that I know how to cook So it was about We went to my mom's house strawberry cake, man. I read the whole recipe, bro. Like, I let my daughter know that I know how to cook.

So it was about, we went to my mom's house just for a night. And that was that one time. We had a birthday party at my loft for my son.

I remember that because he wanted chicken enchiladas. So I had my wife make them, enchilada casserole. And we son, I remember that because he wanted chicken enchiladas. So I had my wife make them, enchilada casserole. And he wanted me to make him a cake, and I made him a banana cake. Damn, are you a good baker? Yeah. Are you?

I just follow the direction, Duncan Hines. But you like it. Yeah. But, you know, a lot of the Duncan Hines, a lot of the other stuff, but when you go look for the cake recipe, it tells you to use the box. So you add extra stuff to it, like banana, the strawberries. But this is cool. I had a friend that was a DJ at the time.

And he brought his karaoke stuff. And my daughter and I, we sang that Grease song. Summer loving happened this way way and it was good like it was like a bonding moment and another time my other son and i we hung out, the three of us, on the train. I remember asking my son, you think Tuesday knows I'm her dad? What's your daughter's name?

Tuesday. Tuesday, all right. She goes, you think she knows, she thinks she considers me her father? And my son says, well, she calls you Felipe. Felipe. So in 2010, I think. 2010.

I went to Las Comas Standing. Yeah. I'm at a barbecue. They invited me to a barbecue before I won. And the mom is there, right? And the mom is dating, like, a woman now. Right. So she's been wrong since day one.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not my fault. She was just trying to find her. It just took a long time to find herself. Yeah, so she was there, you know, with her. It's funny, the woman that she's with, I know her. We grew up together.

Like, not grew up like we grew up, but I grew up seeing her. She's really cool. You know, I got nothing against her, you know, but I grew up seeing her. She's really cool. I have nothing against her, but I know who she is. She's not the same woman that I saw now. She looks more like a man now, but I know her. She's really cool. But when they were together, I was like, wow. You would think you would meet somebody out of the projects. So what was it like for your kids when you won last comic?

I won last comic standing. And I'm thinking, so the mom filed for child support the next day. Nuh-uh. The next day. $118,000. Just threw a number at you. No, man, because I didn't pay no child support and those kids were born. Oh, this is all back for two.

Oh, okay. Yeah, when you owe child support in California, it's not like other states, it accrues interest. So if you owe like $7,000 and you don't pay the whole year, by the end of the year it's $9,000. Shit. And then you don't pay that $9,000 plus that $7,000 for next year. I was $16,000 plus another $3,000. Just compound. Now you owe $20,000.

Right. She hit you for how much again? $100,000? For two kids, man. So everybody at NBC was really cool. So they told me that someone just filed a child support case on you. Nah. And I said, like, I didn't know.

Like, I didn't know. I was like, say what? Don't go there. They said, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, of course, yes, I do have two kids somewhere. Then she said, well, so NBC, like, they coached me because they're a cool man, NBC. They told me to go and get yourself incorporated first, and then we'll write the check to the corporation. And then you can write yourself a check to the child support.

You know, that way they won't just grab the whole money and then give me my share. Right. Because they could do that. So I gave them, I paid my child support and You paid what you owed. Not the $118,000. Yeah, that's how much I owed. Two kids. That was a

legit number? She wasn't just throwing that out? That's how much it was. Damn, and you had to pay that? Yeah, man. In one lump sum? One lump sum. Oh, man. And then I had to pay the 10% to the agent. I'm just seeing you with the glitter coming down. Shit.

This is what people don't know the story. You know what I mean? I was paying glitter, bro. The agent. I was like Pops from regular show. Except he paid with lollipops. I was paying with confetti. Bro, I was cash broke for the first six months

because I couldn't get a bank loan. I couldn't open a checking account at a bank because of the child support. Because it had to clear. So that happened. And my kids and I, we started talking to each other more. I invited my son to a show. I took my daughter to a show, and she loved it.

I had a show with Visalia once in 2008, I think, before Last Comic Standing. I know it was 2008 because Brad Willis, he was the headliner. And I was the opener? Somebody else was featuring. No, I was the featured act and some other cool comedian was the opener. And I remember it was fun, man. We were all still in the same hotel room. My son, my three kids. Oh three kids and my wife and her son and we all were in the same like we drove to the show together and

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Now, let's get back to the do. What's your favorite thing about being a dad now at 50? I don't know. Maybe it's your honesty. I love them around. You know, my daughter. How old are they all now? My son just had a baby.

Oh, you're a grandfather? Damn, dude, are you? Congrats. My son had a baby. He's seven or eight, nine years old. Okay. And my daughter, she just came back from Sweden. Well, you've been a baby. He's seven or nine years old. Okay. And my daughter, she just came back from Sweden. Well, you've been a grandfather.

Yeah, my daughter came from... She was living in Sweden for about a year and two years. She had a baby and her man, her baby daddy lived in Sweden. So they were both... She was living in Sweden for about two years. Then she came back during a pandemic. Crazy. Yeah, it is.

But it was crazy, man, because my daughter is sick right now. My daughter has, she has, she told me, well, it was crazy, man. Like, we were talking on Zoom. My daughter has breast cancer. Oh, no. And it's like terminal. It's in her bones already. No.

Yeah, it was a status Zoom call ever. Your daughter's got terminal breast cancer right now? Yeah, they gave her like 10 years to live or 15. There's nothing they can do. Well, it's in her bones. I don't know about breast cancer. But cancer itself. I mean, she's got 10 to 15.

How old is she now? She's 89. 30? Oh, man. That's young. She cut it young, man. So when you're listening right now, if you're in your 20s, go check them boobs. Yes, get your titties checked.

Because she didn't find out until she just felt weird just felt, like, weird, you know, one day. And then all of a sudden they told her. But she was living in Sweden because at first when they found out, I said, stay in Sweden. Everything's free. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Dude, I said, stay in Sweden.

They don't even have beds for you here. Stay in Sweden. Everything's free. And all her chemo was done in Sweden, her medicine and all that. I don't think she paid a dime. Wow. That's the way it should be. But the hardest part was for her because she needed a place to stay now.

I don't think her man worked it out. Dude, there were no apartments in Sweden. Really? There was not one apartment in Sweden. It is easy. There's no apartment in Sweden. Like, it is easy. Like, you know, there's no apartments in Sweden. Like, it's not like there are people in Sweden have an apartment. It's like those people in New York who never leave.

Right, they hold it for them. They hold it. Like, even if they move somewhere else, they still hold the apartment. And it's illegal to sublet it, but people still sublet. But there are no apartments in Sweden. So that's why she came back. So now are you trying to spend as much time together as you can? Yes, and we spend our first Christmas together.

Wow. Yeah, her and my grandson. Was that nice? Did you have a good time doing that? It was cool. It's cool, too, because you have a grandson that probably still believes in Santa, and you get that all over again.'s two yeah and um yeah i have to buy my daughter a wig because she's bald now a cool that way was expensive but you know

you should get her a wig like you should sell your that's what i was thinking the other day man like i was thinking like i was like know, I was watching this video about, like, somebody, someone's daughter has breast cancer. And he called his hair bald. His hair completely bald, like, in honor of his daughter. And I'm thinking, what the fuck? Too cheap to buy her a nice wig or what? I'm keeping my hair, motherfucker. You got good hair, dude.

You have actually great hair. When people cut their heads off in honor of somebody, it ain't gonna help, alright? Sorry. I hate to tell you right now. Get a wig. Get a wig, man. That was nice. You were able to do that. That's the great thing about it, you know, that I'm gonna

put my career where I could just do that, you know? Have this happened, like, before last comic standing, not only that, honey, I'm going to shave my pubic hair off. I'll give you a back hair. I'm going to shave my eyebrows out. I'm going to look like fucking powder. Oh, that's good that you're there for, though. I'm there.

We talked when my daughter left. My daughter came to visit me last year during Christmas, before Christmas. And we got along, and we talked every single day. When she went back to Sweden before she came back, every day, like, good morning, how are you? It's weird because in Sweden they have like dark nights forever you know I thought I don't know like that Alaska 23 hours of darkness or something

like that yeah so my daughter and I we like speak every day since the last time we saw each other so yeah she's here now but when she went to when she went it's the first time I told anybody about that by the way. I don't want people like, oh, what can we do?

What can you do? Yeah, you can just love hard and live and enjoy each other. Tell jokes. That's it. That's what this show is all about. I made her laugh the other day, I said, because I have a bit now, you know, like one of my shows was sold out, and somebody sent me this email.

He said, can you help me out, man? We're trying to get to your show. It's my wife's ninth anniversary, and she has lupus. Her mother died of COVID-19. My brother was killed in a drive-by shooting. Is there any way you can help us out? And I emailed that guy back. I said, I'm sorry, man, but I cannot have that much bad luck in my show.

I'm thinking the same thing. I'm like, I don't know. I'm sorry, man. I'm scared to be around you. I don't do spiritual cleansings, man. They're not an egg big enough to roll over on your bad luck family. I can't be having a good time, bro. While everybody's laughing, I look over there, and you're feeding your mom luck family. I can't be having a good time, bro, while everybody's laughing.

I look over there, and you're feeding your mom, bro. If someone dies on the way home, I'm going to be blaming your fucking shitty family, bro. I cannot have it. I don't blame you on that. As you were hitting the list, I'm like, I wouldn't even go near this one.

This black cat right here. Fuck this shit. I was like, what the fuck? Hey, don't bring that shit to me. Y'all live under a ladder? I mean, God damn. I saw Apocalypto way. Fear is a bad disease.

I would have been the same. I'd be like, good luck to you, brother, because it sounds like you're in for it. I'm sorry, buddy. Hey. I can't be looking at your family over there, bro, and somebody has to lie about it, bro. Now, how about your kids? Do all three of your kids get together? Do they talk?

Yeah, they do, actually. My sons, they text each other. That's good. And their kids, do all your kids have children or just one daughter? Just two of them. Man, that's great. You're a fucking grandfather. You've got a lot going on, and you've got time.

That's the other thing. You have time. Yeah, man. You know, you's great. You're a fucking grandfather. You got a lot going on, and you got time. That's the other thing. You have time. Yeah, man. You know, you have time. You don't have to wake up one day, and it's, oh, my God, you've got time. And now what do you do with that time? And how do you make that count? I know, man.

Ever since the pandemic, I've just been taking my acting class on Tuesdays on Zoom. I got to be on Superstore for three more episodes before they canceled the show. Good. And I did a movie with The Guesthouse last year. Oh, yeah. Okay.

That's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah. And that Steve Byrne movie. But I did a movie during the pandemic with a Mexican actor named Omar Chaparro.

And it was a box. It was good, man. Is it a comedy? It's aarro. And it was a box. It was good, man. Is it a comedy? It's a serious movie. Is it? I noticed it was a serious movie when they started taking away my funny lines. Oh, really?

They were written first and then they started scaling back? Yeah, and then the scene got too intense and then I was like waiting for my line and then my funny line would look more like in bad taste. Oh, yeah. There was a scene where they're yelling at somebody, right? And then somebody gets beat up, eh?

And I was supposed to say something like, Brown life don't matter. Brown life don't matter Yeah that comes across In poor Tate So what goes through your mind Like what do you think about? Do you think about what you want to do and how you want to spend that time with your daughter? And then you're stuck in a fucking pandemic, so it's not like you can go places really readily.

Like, what do you do? I'm more worried about, like, her safety because, you know, if she catches it, she's done. You know, there's no coming back. You know what I mean? She already has. It'll just help. It'll shorten her time here. So that's my fear.

But she stays home right now. She's applying for a bunch of stuff, you know, for Medi-Cal and cancer treatment, all that. She's looking for all that stuff right now here in America. Does it make you think about your own mortality and your death and stuff like that? Man, I've done cocaine off the floor, bro. I should have died a long time ago. Oh, man, I love you, dude.

That is great. It is the truth, though. I bet. It is the truth. Like, when it's time. It's your time. It's your time, Alif, man. Yeah.

I'm like, I feel like some people are like, you're like in this, in this, this, all the old cleaners that you know that they have in New York, the old cleaners where you need that number. And that thing just spins and spins and spins. And they lost my number, bro. So I'm just hanging on. Just wait until they figure it out. Like, oh, here it is. Here it is.

I'm just waiting until somebody says, you know what, that's my jacket. You know what I've noticed in my life, at least? It seems like death will come in, and it'll sweep. It'll take a few, and then it's gone for a while. And then it comes back, and it's these two or these three, and then it's gone for a while. And I'm like, ooh, I just don't want to be. I don't know when my time is going to be swept up in that little death dust buster, but it comes around and gets you.

I know. Like, if I worry about, like, catching COVID, you know, how good are my lungs, you know? Yeah. Can I hang? Right. Can I still hit bowls? What about your father growing up?

Were you close with your dad? Yeah, my dad was always there. My dad, growing up, he worked for a company called Pike, P-I-K-E. And he was an arc welder, I guess. He wore the mask. And my dad worked every single day of his life, I guess. My dad was part of the team that welded the Panama Canal. No shit.

The Panama Canal was a project, an American project, but people think that it was built in Panama. No, man, that job was most of those metal parts of the job were all put together in America. And then they shipped it to Panama to put it together. I didn't know that. Is that right? Yeah.

So they assembled here. It was assembled here in America. And then sent there to be finished. Yeah. No shit. The metal parts were put together in America. The cement was done over there. Gotcha.

And your dad was part of that. Yeah. Wow. My mom told me. I didn't know. Yeah. And your dad was part of that. Yeah. Wow. My mom told me. I didn't know. Yeah. I thought he just went to work every day. My dad was one of those dudes that would get dressed up.

My dad would get paid and get dressed up on Friday night. And then we would never see him again until Sunday. Oh, really? He'd just go out and rip it up. That's maybe where you get it, the nightlife. Yeah man, like when my dad had it on, when he was dressed up you know he was not going to come back.

So when do you at what age for you do you really start getting in trouble? Like in trouble? Like what kind of trouble? Well just in trouble? Like, what kind of trouble? Well, just in the neighborhood and running with the wrong crowd and, you know. Probably, well. You said you were a usual suspect.

At what age did you start getting in trouble? All my friends that I grew up with, most of them ended up being bad. But I was already running with them who were 12 right so we kind of like grew into it but I didn't go down that path that they did you know how were you when you first got arrested I got never really got arrested man I got arrested for like lying you know like one time I was afraid so I used my brother's name. Okay. So I got arrested for his name.

You used his name. And he had more warns than me. That's a backfire. Oh, shit. Or I would get like a, I would be in downtown LA and I run a red light,

you know, like walking and there's a cop there giving me a jaywalking ticket and I run a red light, you know, like walking. And there's a cop there giving me a jaywalking ticket. And I throw it away. And then like five years later, you know, that's a warrant. Is it really? Yeah. They put a warrant out for you on that?

I didn't know they put a warrant out. Because I don't know how much a warrant was back, a jaywalking ticket back then was $100. But now they add a 70% assessment to it. No, a 70% assessment or a 110% assessment. So you have a warrant for $500. But when you get there, with the court charges and everything they do to the warrant, it becomes $1,200.

Damn. You got to make the money. And if you don't pay it, you're going to jail. Yeah. There on that spot that day when you didn't plan on. You had shit to do later. Yeah. Yeah.

So I got lucky. That time, like, there were so many people there for, like, for small cases, for small offenses, running on the wall, pissing in public, running red lights, jaywalking. That the judge came. I remember the judge coming out and i was sitting there first of all i was scared dude i've never been in jail before you know and i remember man how old are you oh man 20 okay i was sitting there dude and i remember just just sitting there in the court court with a bunch of dudes and then a bunch of chained up men came in and they were all wearing red.

We're wearing civilian clothes, but some of them were wearing blue, Connie Gell blues. But these guys came in wearing orange and some of them had red wristbands. My dumb ass. Sorry, I'm asking questions. It was all these fools.

Oh, man, they were high power guys. And I didn't know what high power was or nothing, dude. So I'm just sitting there, you know. So then one of the dudes sits next to me. And he sits like a gentleman, dude. Like everything about him, his posture, everything about him looked like he's been to a lot of high-class places. But it's just the way he acts. He's never been to no high-class anything.

He was just a gentle guy. Anyway, so we're sitting there chilling. And there's some black dude that's asking people if they have zigzags. And I remember I had a zigzag. And he was going to trade it for an apple. Right? So I traded a zigzag for an apple. So I took my zigzag out.

And the dude that was just sitting there, like a gentleman, he fucking snatched my hand away from that black dude. And he said the most racial thing I ever heard in my life. Right in front of the guy. And he said, just don't give this guy anything. I was like, fuck this guy. Right in front of him, fuck this guy. And I just put my hand down and shit right there.

And I didn't do nothing. I just was scared as fuck. I didn't want to leave now unless that guy said I could leave. So I don't want to leave now unless that guy said I could leave. So I didn't know there was prison politics. You couldn't talk to another race or nothing like that. So after that, I just learned right away not to talk to anybody. So that dude, I think, became the only guy I ever spoke to. And he just told me that.

But this guy said some wild stuff, man. Was he a white dude? Mexican dude. Mexican dude. And when you say high power, was he high ranking? No, they were murderers. That's what I'm saying. They were all murderers.

These guys were all murderers. All of them. All of them. They just happened to have traffic violations too. So they were out and that's when they got they all came in a bus they all came in they came in like we were already in jail these guys came in at four in the morning and then they were shipped in but it was crazy man like um that guy he he didn't, as soon as that guy said that, that guy knew right away and his eyes said, I'm sorry. And he just went about his business.

How long were you in there? A full eight hours. Eight hours. In eight hours, I learned everything there is to know about prison. What's the craziest shit or some of the craziest shit you've seen growing up in your neighborhood back in the day? I know you came on the crab feast. You had wild stories of your growing up days.

I try to remember. I saw this guy, man. There was this guy named Wolf. You know, that's his gang name, his real name. I never knew guy, man. This crazy, there was this guy named Wolf. You know, that's his gang name, his real name. I never knew his real name. This guy was,

man, this guy was huge. He was like, he had like little legs, but he had an upper body strength. Like, he had a, he had a,

he smiled, and he had a ruby in his tooth. A ruby? A ruby. Like a red, like a, like, you know, a bling bling. Yeah, yeah. But he had a ruby in his tooth. A ruby? A ruby. Like a red, like a bling bling. Yeah, yeah. But it was like a gold plated around the white part. But inside the white part, he had a red ruby.

And I saw this guy, man. And where I lived, there was housing authority police department. And there was LAPD. Housing authority, they patrol the housing projects, LAPD, the whole city. But housing authority goes inside the projects. LAPD

cruises outside of the projects. Okay. But housing authority, police, they have the same authority as the police, as the LAPD. They could arrest. They could shoot. the LAPD. They could arrest. They could shoot. They can? Yeah.

They have guns. And so I'm just chilling, man, and whatever, man. I'm little, dude. I'm 12. I'm at the bus stop just sitting at a bus stop watching the world pass by. And I see one of Wolf's friends just walking, and he's arguing with a police officer about something. Then a police officer grabs him and tries to handcuff him.

And then I see the other police officer. That guy Wolf grabs him by the shirt and starts pounding him, man. Wolf's beating one of the cops? Yeah, man. Beating his ass. And then the other cop comes and hits him in the leg. His little ass legs? And he don't even move, bro.

His legs stood up? Oh, man. And he stretches a billy club from them. And they're beating the shit out of him. And he stretches a billy club from them. And they're beating the shit out of him. And fuck, man. I practically peed on my pants, man. You were watching this dude. Watching this dude.

Watching his violence. I was in shock. I was shocked, man. Like PTSD and shit watching this. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what's going on. PTSD and shit watching this. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what's going on.

And I fucking, like, I put it behind me, whatever. Every time I see that guy wolf, I would get scared. Like, what else are they going to do, you know? I saw him fight this black dude named Ryan, I think. And they were one of those fights, bro. Like, you ever seen those movie, those street fights? They live. They live.

Roddy Piper. Or Every Way But Loose. Yeah, yeah. You know, those kind of fights that last forever. Yeah. And I saw somebody pour gasoline on that guy, Wolf. What? And that guy said, listen, man,

if you don't stop, I'm going to let you stop on fire. Holy shit. Fuck that, man. And this guy was like, I was always there when that guy was about to do

violent shit, man. I was like, always there at that guy was about to do violent shit, man. Like, I was, like, always there at the right time for him. And then how I noticed that he had that ruby was one time out of nowhere, man, he just started talking to me, and he told me, you have a girlfriend? And I said, no, I don't have a girlfriend. I was, like, 15 or 16 years old then. He goes, you got to eat your pussy. He's like a grown man telling a 16-year-old kid, you got to eat your pussy.

And I said, and I asked like a dumbass, how? That's a fair question. Wow, bro. That's a fair question. Wow, bro. Keep in mind that there's a bunch of other, five other guys drinking 40 ouncers, you know, wearing their fedora hats, their trench coats, looking G'd up, man. You know how our 80s gangsters are supposed to look. You know, they got their khakis, their Stacey Adams, their hats.

They're looking good, man. But this dude over there telling me how to eat pussy, man. Like, you should be over there with your friends. And he's breaking it down, bro. And it was all graphic, man. Like, I hadn't even seen a vagina before. But they're showing me, you know. He's actually breaking it down. You got to lift it up, man.

He goes, you got to grab their lips. You got to lift it up. And then a little, you got to grab the lips. You got to lift it up. And then a little penis is going to come out. Don't get scared. Don't get scared. And I'm like, what? She has a penis? She has a penis, too?

No. It's a clip, mijo. No, he goes, why don't you pull it up? Why don't you put the wings up? It'll just pop out. Now it's gone. He goes, and then it'll pop out. It'll just pop out.

So then he just, then you go like this, man. I see the ruby in his mouth. That's what you saw. And he starts doing his tongue, you know. That is a creepy ass way to find out how to eat pussy. It was gross.

The wings are killing me. The wings. Yeah, man. But the craziest shit I saw I was leaving a Little League game in 1980 or I don't remember the year. But you can look it up. It really happened. I was in San Francisco doing a show once and there was like a liberal, you know, those liberal books, you know, those whatever, anti-fascist books, fascist books, communist books, you know, corporate books, whatever.

I'll call them political books. But there was one book there about a guy who was killed in my neighborhood, a communist member named David something. You can look it up. David Mendez or David, I don't know. But if you look it up. Did mendez or david i don't know but if you look it up did you know him or no people at least so murder of communist leader david i didn't know he was a communist when i was a little kid but you knew of this guy yeah okay i was running my little my little huffy with a little um little streamers on the side of the thing.

And my friend had a PK Ripper, you know, whatever. And we were just cruising. And there were these guys that would come to my neighborhood and protest all the time. But we didn't know who they were. We were too young. We just called them the kids, the dudes with the red flag. Because they would come with a red flag. Okay.

But I didn't know they were part of the Communist Party. But they would come into my neighborhood and have protests in front of everybody. And then they would pass out food and, you know, and check up on kids, you know, like if they had measles. They'll do, like, stuff like that, you know. They're winning the hearts of the people what they're really doing. Now I know. Back then I didn't know know So they would come in and They'll feed us

Like oh free lunches Oh alright Everybody's coming out But then they'll start doing their little speeches And it was all like Anti-government stuff But I didn't know this You know

I learned this later on But that's what they were talking about We're watching them speak Then a bunch of gang members I learned this later on. But that's what they were talking about. We're watching them speak. Then a bunch of gang members from another neighborhood. I don't know who they were. They were from the projects. They get into a fight with all these red guys.

A bunch of them. It was like a melee, bro. My friends and I who were there, Rafa, Angel, Jackie, we saw that guy get stabbed, bro. Like he got stabbed to death. Right there like that? Right in front of everybody. Like he got stabbed by this one guy. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Damn.

And like there's blood everywhere, dude. so as soon as we saw that we fucking got scared and we took out with our bikes to the other side of the projects and we saw like LAPD you know and

they were roughing up someone else in the projects but they didn't know what was going on over there because they didn't know none of that so um the next day i went over there because i had summer school and there was blood all over the product they hadn't even cleaned up the blood there was a lot of blood then i saw a couple of communist guys just walking around. I guess they were released from jail. But I mean I saw what I saw. But when I read the article in San Francisco

they said that the LAPD knew that he was a communist so they killed him. Wait, they said what? They knew he was a communist? The LAPD killed him. The LAPD did it? You watched, huh? Yeah, they didn't. They didn't. Wow. what they knew he was a communist and la pd killed him the lapd did it yeah but you watched what you watched huh yeah they didn't they didn't wow but this guy had this guy was a leader of the i didn't know he was a leader of that group he was i don't know back then but he was and he was also

he started another rally somewhere else where where he became known for that. But to this day, Matt, I didn't know there were communist people preaching in Boyle Heights in the late 80s, early 80s. I learned a lot today with you, man. Something I ask everybody that comes on for the first time is advice they would give to their 16-year-old self. Knowing what you know, knowing what we've talked about today, if you could go back and tell your 16-year-old self something, what would you say? I would tell my 16-year-old self to start writing now. Yeah, start writing everything that happened to you.

That's a good one. Like, keep a memoir of the things you'll see. Because a lot of stuff I don't even remember now. Yeah. That's great. I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. Oh, man. That's okay, man.

That's tough news, dude. We're dealing with it. And she's, every once in a while, you know, I'm going to lie, man. Like, I didn't break down today. But, you know, because I've been dealing with it for the last four months now. And the first time was a shocker because it was like, she was sad, you know. And, you know, like, you expect, you know, like, so just, you know, like, you want to spend some more time with your kids, you know, but, you know, it's going to be limited now. And it's kind of sad.

And she's got children. Yeah. She has a two-year-old. Who's going to be without a mom. A single mom. She's a single mom. A single mom. And one thing about my daughter, I know that she's very strong compared to how I would have handled it.

I would have been like, fuck this. Why me? You know how we do it, man. As a drug addict, you try to find any excuse to go back to using drugs. So I'm glad I didn't go back to using drugs this time because it would have been a perfect time. But my daughter um we might start a podcast together because she wants to talk about it yeah so we're thinking about doing it that'd be great so maybe we'll do it because her name is Tuesdays so we'll call it

we'll call it Tuesdays with Tuesday or something and um dude also imagine how much you're gonna get to learn about your daughter just sitting there doing that all those years. I mean, most people never get that opportunity. Yeah. Can I ask you a personal question? Will you take your grandson? Who's going to take care of her son?

Oh, that's when my daughter and I, when she told us that she had terminal cancer and it was in her bones already. Because at first I thought that, okay, breast cancer, okay, maybe she might lose a boob. I saw a lady with no boobs and she's still alive. But that's like, that was not in their bones. Oh, my daughter, she had a plan already about her baby. She already had planned it out, you know, that she had a best friend who can't have a baby. So right now she's staying with her and her man. So they have a room for her.

But I'm also, like, involved, too, with the son. Like, I'm going to end up taking him, too, half of the time. Yeah. So I'm going to have a son. You just went through not being able to have a baby. I might end up taking him too half of the time. You just went through not being able to have a baby as well. Now you get to have a grandson live with you. We haven't told my mom yet, but she's old, you know.

She has Alzheimer's now, so I want to keep telling her. Well, dude, thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me, Ryan Sickler. Going deep with me on this. Do please promote everything again, your podcast, your merch, put your mask, all of it, Felipe. What's up, Food Podcast?

And go check that out, cocksuckers. It's not about the hee-hees and the ha-has. I ain't going nowhere. I was born in L.A. If time gets bad for me in L.A., I just move to Bakersfield. Thank you, brother. Thank you, man. You got it.

As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you you next time.