The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Greg Fitzsimmons - FitzDew

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Greg Fitzsimmons! (Crashing, Ellen) Greg Highlights the Lowlights of losing the BU softball world series, an assault with a deadly weapon, and doing warm up for Ellen. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Liquid I.V. -Get 25% off anything you order when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW at checkout Upstart -Don’t wait and check your rate today at https://www.Upstart.com/HONEYDEW  

I am bringing the Night Pants Nation tour to Minneapolis, April 28th through the 30th. June 4th, Los Angeles at the world-famous Troubadour. June 24th, Des Moines, Iowa, one night only. And June 25th, Omaha, Nebraska, one night only. Get your tickets now at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios.

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at no additional cost all right we've got some of the wildest stories i promise you in comedy you've ever fucking heard for five bucks it'll blow your goddamn mind. All right? Come out, see me on tour. All tickets to all shows are available at ryanstickler.com. All right? Now you guys know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind storytellers. I'm very excited to have today's guest back on The Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome Greg Fitzsimmons. Welcome back to The Honeydew ladies and gentlemen please welcome greg fitzsimmons welcome back to the honeydew greg ryan to be asked back is always really the pressure because the first time in you got that excitement you're a newbie it's like being a it's like being a virgin yeah you know being a virgin that first time you know it's really special but but the second time. It's like the first time. Foreigner, Double Vision album. Probably gonna get demonetized right out of the gate. Oh, shit. I think they demonetize a lot of mine anyway. Yeah, mine do too.

I get fucked. I get fucked. I have this thing where I do a podcast called The Sunday Papers, and we do our fans. We've been doing it for two years. Every single week, one of our fans writes and produces and records a theme song for us that's different. Oh, hell yeah. And we do it every week. And then

some guy took the songs he did for us and he copyrighted them. And so every one of those episodes he got paid for. No. Because that's what YouTube does. If you use somebody else's music, all the revenue that you made from your YouTube

clicks goes to them. So we stopped doing the songs. Motherfucker. I know. Well, I'll tell you what. Before we get into what we're going to talk about today, plug, promote, everything and anything you'd like. Ready? Well, first of all, thank you for having me on. Thank you for coming back, dude.

FitzDog Radio is my other podcast. And then Sunday Papers comes out on Sunday. And then Childish comes out on Wednesday. And then Childish comes out on Wednesday. And then I got tour dates coming up. La Jolla, Comedy Store La Jolla. Spokane Comedy Club in April. Then we got New Orleans and Lafayette, Louisiana. Then we got Plainville, Massachusetts at some casino.

Denver Comedy Works at the end of April then we got Irvine Tacoma damn yeah it's crazy Bakersfield it's all at FitzDog.com

F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com I was just saying out loud so I'm going to try to make this happen. I would love to perform in New Orleans. Where do you perform when you're there? It's my first time. It's this place called the Howlin' Wolf. I think it's a rock club that they're doing comedy at. Yeah.

So I'm flying in, going in a day early because I haven't spent much time in New Orleans. That's such a great city. And I'm going to do that. And then I think a bunch of my friends are going to fly down with me. haven't spent much time in new orleans that's such a great city and i'm gonna do that and then um i think a bunch of my friends are gonna fly down with me and then and then we're gonna drive to lafayette louisiana which is like in the middle of yeah you know have you been there no i just know it's in the middle of fucking no i've driven through because i've driven from maryland to uh new orleans and back so i've been all through the bum fuck yeah wow all through mississippi

all through louisiana yeah let me know how it is i really want to go i have no idea how i would sell there or anything but i just want to get down in new orleans and tell some jokes oh hell yeah there's no comedy clubs in new orleans yeah there's not a comedy club there never has been i mean is that right for like a minute here and there comedy clubs have popped up but there's never been a substantial run of a comedy club in new orleans so weird i mean it's kind of like chicago was like that for a long time there was no good stand-up and now now you know zanies was zanies was always there but like it was a small city then more than stand yeah it was all improv and sketch yeah yeah yeah there's a few cities that are big that never had a big stand-up presence. But what do you think of LA versus New York comedy?

Well, as far as stand-ups, I think New York owns LA. But as far as podcasting, I think LA owns New York. There you go. Yeah, I'll go with that. I would say that's fair. I mean, the opportunity to get on stage in New York is, there's so many more chances. And if you really utilize it, then you can see why those guys are strong and good and funny. And it makes you funnier because when you're watching Attell and Sam Morrell and Colin Quinn and, you know, and then the big names that come down, it's just not even the big

names. It's the guys that are grinding it out. Joe List and Mark Norman. Shane Gillis, all those guys. Yeah, Shane. Mark Norman, Krista Stefano. Shane fucking kills. Big Jay, Dan Soder, those guys.

Yeah, so you better step up your fucking game. Yeah. I don't think there's that run of L.A. comics out here, I would say, that are getting up as much as they are. What do we have out here? Unless you're on a fucking mic circuit, you got Supernova. Yeah.

You got Laugh Factory. Even the Ice House is still closed. Yeah. You got the Improv and you got the Comedy Store. Yeah. Even they're not seven nights a week. Right, right.

We're still behind a whole, you know, you travel. Yeah. This place is like a fucking goddamn time warp back here. Well, what I do, because I'm usually gone on the weekends on the road, so I usually do spots in town like on Wednesday, Thursday night. So that way, since I'm only doing a couple nights a week,

and I live in Venice, I'll try to go out and do three spots. I'll try to do all the clubs in one night. And West Side Comedy is great. And West Side Comedy is great. I want to give them love. They're great. Chris Gorbos and those guys are a great night. And Westside Comedy is great. And Westside Comedy is great. I want to give them love. They're great. Chris Gorbos and those guys are a great club. Yeah.

All right. So let's get into some of your trauma because I want to hear about. Jesus. I mean, what a show. I know. What a show. And I love the laundry list. Come on and tell us the worst parts of your life.

Yeah. I'm watching everybody's Instagram and I'm tired of seeing your best pictures. Yeah. Tell me about the the bu softball worlds oh you know what i'm an idiot i am a fucking moron it's softball i've been the whole time i thought yes the whole time i was like no not only was it softball but at bu because it was a city school we went eagles The Eagles? Boston? No, that's Boston College. Oh, Boston College. We were the Terriers. The Terriers.

But it was a D1 school, but the softball fields were so small that we played with a 14-ounce ball. It was fucking huge because the fences weren't as far out. Nah, is that right? So it would have been a home-run derby if they used regular-sized softballs.

So anyway, so I grew up not a great athlete. I love sports. I would play any sport. I had a brother who was 13 months older than me. So Irish twins competing, playing. And, but I was just never, whatever. I lacked the confidence to be a really great athlete.

And I was fucking tiny. I was skinny as hell. I look like I just, I look like Karen Carpenter growing up. And, and I was just as hell. I look like I just, I look like Karen Carpenter growing up. And I was just as emotional and I was just as emotional as Karen Carpenter. You can see it from the outside. I wore flare denim and Paisley shirts. And so I,

my father coached me in baseball and he was, my father was a 6'3 guy from the Bronx, and he was a fucking tough guy, and he coached like a tough guy. Was he harder on you because you were his son? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He used to bench me. He used to put me.

You were benched. Oh, my God. And then I lost my mitt, and so he made me play with the catcher's mitt. We had an extra catcher's mitt, and I was playing third base with a fucking catcher's mitt. But he was like a cigarette dangling out of his mouth, and he had a few drinks in him. You could never coach like that today.

Our coach had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth while he leaned over your shoulder and showed you how to bat. It would be burning your eyes like, God damn. Then you're like, do you have an erection? This is a weird coaching stance. Behind every kid. Yep. They're talking like, oh, man, shit.

But that's why Bad News Bears was so great. Walter Matthau with the cooler full of beers at every practice. The movie, it's 100% perfect. I tell Segur about this all the time. Like, we in life, the comedians, we're the bad news bears. We're not supposed to win. Yeah. We're not supposed to win.

It's supposed to be right there. Right. And it ain't happening. Right, right. That's who we are. We're the bad news fucking bears. Yeah, but don't worry. We're coming back next year.

Yeah. Yeah, I love it. That's a great movie. It's a great movie. And Jesus Christ, the language that those kids were using. Yeah. You can never do anything like that now. The trailer of the movie used the N-word.

The trailer did? The trailer when it first came out. I remember the language in it and the beer drinking and the cigarettes smoking. Tatum O'Neill goes, all we got on this team, all we got on this team. Tatum does a bunch of, and then she lists every bad racial epithet you could say. Yeah. Which I don't say. Yeah.

Go watch the original. Yeah. So he coached me, and I was nervous. I was a nervous player, and that's no way to play. The worst thing about baseball is you're just hanging out. You're on a field. You're relaxed. There's butterflies.

It's spring. your mind wanders and then in a millisecond you have to be a superb athlete you have to snap into action shit's coming right yeah right and then turn around and throw it just i hate a i was so glad my son didn't want to play baseball uh and took up ballet instead he gets a lot of pussy no he didn't take up ballet. I should have. He would thank me when he was older if I pushed him into ballet. You're damn right he would. He'd be like, thank you, Dad.

So anyway, cut to college. And now I love intramural sports in college because it's all the kids that couldn't make real teams. So the bar has been lowered on them. Actually, not as bad as I was before. And so I'm on this team and all my friends in college, I don't know why, but like this was my senior year. I had four roommates.

One was the captain of the lacrosse team. One was captain of the tennis team. One was captain of the rugby team. And then the other guy was also the lacrosse team. One was captain of the tennis team. One was captain of the rugby team. And then the other guy was also on lacrosse. And then me. And I was doing stand-up comedy at this point, which is why I think they liked me, and I got to be with the cool kids.

So we had an intramural softball team, and they were fucking good. And so they put me at catcher, because in softball, the catcher does almost nothing. Okay. So let me ask you this, this bigger ball, do you have a different glove or is it still fit into a regular glove? Same glove. It is. Okay. Is it harder though? Like the web and that, it's a bigger ball you said? Yeah. You need a decent size because there's infielder gloves and outfielder gloves. So you need a outfielder glove. Those are the bigger ones. Yeah. And so, but my glove, because I didn't have one,

is I brought my father's baseball mitt to college. And it was kind of like sentimental. It made me think about my dad. And it was big, but it was fucking old. It was like an old dried out mitt. And so, but I'm playing catcher, so it doesn't really matter. And so we make it through the playoffs. There's 113 teams in the league.

Damn. It's BU. There's 30,000 kids. That's huge. That's a lot. 113 teams. That's a lot. We make it to the World Series.

We're in the finals. How many games? Do you remember how you had to play to get through that? It was a lot. It's got to be, right? finals. How many games? Do you remember how you had to play to get through that? It was a lot. It was like two games a week for, you know, the whole

what is it, a fall game or a spring game? Spring. So we make it to the World Series and we're playing great. You know, John Matarazzo, who's on varsity hockey, is a righty,

but he can hit opposite field, but he doesn't show it. He doesn't show it. He hits him down the left side until he gets some guys on base, and then he goes opposite field. So he hits them hard left. They shift the outfield. He goes right down the right field line. I mean, these guys are amazing. And so then—

What's your team name? Do you remember? I don't remember. No. What's your team name? Do you remember? I don't remember, no. And then, so anyway, we are tied.

Bottom of the ninth. They're up. They got a man on second. Guy gets up. Line drives to center field. Guy from second rounds third. Bill Mountford's in center field gets the ball throws a fucking rope rope i'm hoping it bounces before it gets to me but no it's coming hot straight in i got my feet planted i'm in front of the plate i'm ready to take the hit and the ball comes in and and i got. This guy's about two thirds of the way towards me

and the ball is right there. I got him. We're going over time. Third, two outs. Ball comes in, hits my father's dried out old mitt and the seam pops. No. And the fingers open.

No. And the ball goes right through. Wow. And the guy scores and they win the World Series. That's how they won. That's how they won. And these guys had no mercy. It wasn't like, hey, Fitzy, you fucked up. It was like, Fitzy, you fucked up.

They were mad. These are real athletes. And so I was buying, I had to buy beers all night for everybody. And I just stood there and I literally did have tears in my eyes because it brought back so many fucking memories of not being good enough for my father. And here it is, his mitt. His glove. Oh, man, that is brutal.

That's brutal. Yeah. And I had so much insecurity about sports too because I really, when you're a boy, so much of how you define yourself is i guess it depends on the boy but for me it was so much about sports because my dad was kind of athletic and you know i just uh yeah my daughter's in softball now and she's like i hate batting i go i know you feel like everyone's watching you and she's like yeah and i go look

also i don't know what the fuck league we got her ass in but it's they're the kids are pitching yeah all right and if they're way too young to be pitching we used to how old are they they're seven yeah we used to pitch in our little league kids are throwing it over the back stock is taking forever so they do this thing where it's four pitches and then the coach comes out perfect so um i told her her, I go, don't swing. Do not swing. There's none of these kids are throwing strikes. Just stand there.

I go, if one's close, hit it. Great lesson for your kid. Lesson, don't play. No, no, no. I teach her to have a good eye. I go, if that thing's near, you hit it. But if not, if that thing's over your head or in the dirt, she didn't even know. I go, you don't. She thought I had to swing no matter what and try to hit that thing.

I'm like, no, no, no, no. You got to try to hit it if it's right in this strike zone. Yeah. And if it's not, then wait for the coach to come out. And she has not got a hit yet. She keeps fouling them hard left. I'm like, oh, you're early. She keeps – oh, she's so close.

Yeah. But I get it. She's like, oh, I don't like that feeling. I know it's all – I remember feeling like that. My dad would yell too and be like – Did he ever coach you? Yeah, he would coach and help out

and shit to me he was always harder on us too but he would tell us that later he's like I'm harder on you because you're my kid because I also have seen you do better I know you can do better like some of those kids

can't do better yeah my dad gave up on me he like and then I played hockey like his glove did yeah and like his condom did,

cause I was an accidental birth. Just full of quit, just full of quit. But he gave up on me, like I played high school ice hockey. You did? I did, but here's how bad I was. I was good enough to make the team every year. I was on JV freshman year, JV sophomore year, JV junior year.

And then I think this is against the rules. I was on JV as a senior. Were you really? I was a captain of the JV team when I was a senior, but I was funny. That's why they kept me on. That's why the coach liked me because like I used to give like,

we had these morning meetings two days a week in front of the whole school in the auditorium and i would get up and i would do uh remember when joe piscopo used to do the sports report on snl on weekend update i used to do it like that and i would do these really funny reviews of the games and uh and so i cracked everybody up and then you know and then i would before before games we would all drink. We had, if we had Friday games, we would get out of school and then we'd go drink and then we'd play. It was fun. We just fucked around.

Never came to, my dad never came to a game. Never came? Oh, no, no. He came to one game. Which one? It was the one where I went to check a kid because the kid was up against the glass and my dad was standing right there and I'm like,

I'm gonna line this motherfucker up. My dad's gonna see the pain. He's gonna see blood splatter on that glass and he's gonna accept me for the athlete that I am. So I go charging at the kid and then he digs me out and I go flying into the glass.

Right into your dad's face. And he can see the look in my eyes sorry dad I'm sorry that is just brutal oh my god the shame and then my kid turns out

to be a fucking star athlete. Really, what sports? Soccer, he started soccer, well, first he did taekwondo as a kid and he got his black belt when he was about 13 years old. And then he started playing soccer when he was probably about maybe nine. And this kid played club soccer and school soccer.

So he was playing soccer six days a week for 10 years and uh through all through high school he was the captain of his club team his senior year he was captain of his high school team and his club team both teams went undefeated wow undefeated and he was a star and he could have played d D1 soccer, but he thought about it. He had people looking at him, and he was like, no, I want to have a life in college. I was like, well, I don't know where you got it. I don't know where you got the talent from.

That's badass. Yeah. What position? Midfielder. Man, see, those guys were. Yeah. I played soccer my whole life, too. Did you really?

Yeah, I was good. I was all Juco. That's why I was joking about all Juco. I was all Juco in community college. What's Juco? Junior college. That's all. You know, you see it mostly with football, but these Juco guys are the guys that went to a D1 school.

They got in some kind of fucking trouble. Yeah. They go to a junior college to rebuild their character and themselves and their stats, and then they go back to a different D1 school and then into the NFL usually. But I was all Juco in college, and then I played for the U.S. when I was 16. My brother and I both went out for this. It was like a U.S. development team, and we made that, and I went and played soccer in Europe. So most kids, they backpack and do all that

bullshit i still got my month in europe but i went playing soccer nice yeah we made a team it was it was an under 17 um teams usa like olympic development squad or some bullshit i mean i knew we weren't going anywhere after that yeah but that's amazing it was fun you just had a good hard ass let me tell you something we went i had a good tight ass you did we went over there and we we fucking we were so cocky and arrogant just such 16 year old dicks yeah and we go right down the field on there for you and we scored like that and we thought we were like oh we are, we're going to run this fucking country. Greg Fitzsimmons, we didn't win a game.

We didn't win. We were there for a month. Listen to me. We played two, three times a day. We didn't win a fucking game. Yeah, yeah. We got our asses kicked. It's a different sport over there. What I loved about it was the physicality, though.

That's the way I wanted to play here. They allow you to play rougher over there. Yeah there, but man, are they so much more advanced. A friend of mine, Sam, he said he was talking to an English buddy of his and he said the reason that he coaches soccer and the reason he thinks a lot of Americans suck at soccer is because we force our kids right into competition. It's like my daughter, she shouldn't be playing softball right now. She should be learning skills. So he said that's what they do over there. It's a couple of years of skills and rules and things,

and then they intermix games and fun shit in there. They don't go into competition and recording stats and who wins and loses until later. No kidding. And that's what he believes separates the rest of the world from us is that we're getting there. And my daughter, the guy's like, the play's at second. I go, do you know what that means? She goes, no, I don't know what the play is at second means.

I go, why would you? It's a foreign language to you. Right, right. Dude, King Richard. You see that movie, King Richard? I haven't watched it yet. It's all about he keeps the daughters out of the juniors. Every other, no pro tennis player had ever made it before without having gone through the junior system.

Is that right? And he said, fuck that. I want them to have a childhood. I want them to study. I want them to learn three languages. And they're not going to, and so he had, the best coach in the country took the Williams girls when they were about 13 to Florida in a training camp.

And then they got there and he's like, okay, we got tournaments coming up. And the father was like, they're not going to play any matches until they're 16 or something, 17. So for three years, just skills, just skills. Yep. Yeah. That makes sense. Wow, so you were good.

And did you meet any girls in Europe, or it was just all you did? Yeah, I met a couple girls i really back listen this is 89 so man my father was pissed when i was calling this girl from holland yeah he was like what the hell there's a 40 dollar phone bill then you show a picture of her he's like all right get on get on the floor she was a cute little blonde and then i met a girl from new jersey named vanessa and we kept in touch for a while. She and her friend would come down. They were Jersey.

We were Maryland. So it wasn't that far. Yeah. We'd all hang out. But, man, it was a fucking – we went to Holland, Germany, England. We didn't go to London. We went to England, Belgium, Scotland, and there was one more country we went to does that say denmark damn you went to denmark yeah we went over there yeah and a kid on the team stole the fucking country's

flag no shit we were like are you fucking nuts we're like imagine right now if we were in the u.s and somebody fucking stole an american flag off a store yeah i was like it he folded up and set it over somewhere we ran away i. I was like, fuck you. I had never shoplifted in my life. I still have never shoplifted in my life except the last week in Europe when we were all out of money. We were fucking dining and ditching everywhere, just hauling eggs. Oh, really? Oh, right through the games.

We would run right through the middle of the fucking games to get away. It was bad. It got bad. It got bad. Yeah, we shoplifted like maniacs when I was a kid. That's all we did. Is your dad still alive? No, he died when he was 52.

52? That's young. What happened? Yeah, he was young. Heart attack. At Rayo's in Harlem. You know that restaurant? I love their sauce.

Yeah, their sauce is great. Yeah. So it's a mob joint and i think we talked about last time i was on the podcast we talked about my dad dying but yeah so it's weird because now i'm 55 and i've gone past i am older now than my father ever was that blow your mind it blows my mind i say those exact words my dad died when he was 42 i'm 49 now and it blows my mind every day that i get up and also i'm think i still think like man i feel young but 42 was seven years ago i felt even

younger then like man that's an early fucking time to go you probably look better now than your dad did at 42 right yeah guys aged more fast back then yeah he definitely looked older i feel like than 42 yeah um how'd he die but he had i had gray hair he didn't he had brown hair well it's interesting so originally it was ruled a heart attack but then right when i turned 42 this is fucking so crazy right when i turned 42 i started having these crazy like health problems i had just just had kidney stones and both of my legs clotted. So I think it's the kidney stones or whatever. And they can't figure it out for like six months. I'm going through all these tests and everything.

And at the end of it, they find out I have this blood disease called factor five light and where I'm prone to clotting. Okay. So they're like, you need to get genetic testing. You can die from blood oh yeah oh i was it was bad like it was they could not figure it out and they would keep flushing me and shit so i um they're like you have to get genetic testing done because if one parent has it it's not as bad as if both parents have it so the thing is i'm never gonna know if my dad had it, if my mom has it. Okay.

Right? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know how bad I'm going to have it. So I got to call my brothers and everybody. They all go get tested. None of them have it. My mom, my two brothers. So my dad had it.

And all these years later, the doctors tell me now, like, they also said anytime in the 80s someone died young, they just called it a heart attack. And now, you know, 30 years fucking of technology and everything, they're realizing that a lot of these people actually died of, why can't I think of it now, fucking clots. Yeah. fucking clots yeah and he did have a little blood on his lip and there was a little on his toe so they don't know if he bit his lip when he died or tongue or if he actually had a clot so i ended up having a clot i fucking get through it thank god and i found out i have this so now i just it's not it's nothing you could like diet doesn't really help or anything it's a genetic thing and i gotta wear compression pants on planes and shit. And I got to get up every, like, I can feel my legs if I sit longer than 90 minutes.

When I get up, I feel it. And I hate to be, like, a backseat doctor, but, like, have you tried gay conversion therapy? Gay conversion therapy? What the fuck are you talking about? It just might be good for you. I don't know. For my fucking blood clots well like you know when they when they came up with you know boner pills they were originally

meant for something else and it turned out it helped with that so just give it a shot it was for um what was it i think it was like uh cholesterol or heart blood pressure or some shit right and i think women had it too. And some study I read were like the women gave it back and the guys did not. They were like, what's going on there? I guess I'm making my fucking dick hard. That's what's going on. Dude, I do an ad for Blue Chew, which is the boner pills.

And my friend's gay and he listens to the podcast. He goes, hey, do they give you free samples for the blue chew? And I was like, yeah, they send me like cases of it. I have so much of it. He goes, can I get some? I go, wait, let me get it. So you're gay and you need boner pills?

I go, you ever think maybe you're not gay? Maybe just like nice haircuts and show tunes. Like if it's not getting hard, maybe you're not gay. He you just like nice haircuts and show tunes? Like, if it's not getting hard, maybe you're not gay. He's like, I'm fucking gay. So you're not gay. I'm just drunk most of the time. He sends me these videos. He goes out on Sunday nights,

because Sunday nights is like the real gay party night. And he'll send me these videos of like these bars, and he walks in like middle-aged guys with like bellies are hanging from leather harnesses face down and guys just come by and like slap their asses and stick stuff in their mouth and you're not supposed to be filming that shit but he's always like he's always like discreetly shooting like the darkest shit that happened man i went to uh hollywood the wild place when i first moved here i dated this girl from argentina i mean this chick was just you know they say whatever she was

definitely out of my league like i was like this this girl is doesn't know she has no idea and i mean just a bombshell yeah she was fucking she spoke spanish you know just everybody at work was like there's no way she likes you i was like i'm with you i'm with you all right so one night she's like you want to take ecstasy i'd never taken ecstasy and she's like and we're gonna rent a limo and we're gonna go out and i was like okay so we take ecstasy and she takes me to this place on santa monica boulevard it was one of those – it was a club depending on the night. It was a building basically. On Monday night it was this and Tuesday night.

But Saturday night it was a place called Cinematic, S-I-N-A-M-A-T-I-C. And in the front of the club was just clubby dance, whatever. And she's holding my hand, and we're just fucking zooming. And she's just walking me through this club full of just hollywood freaks dancing leather fishnet all this shit we go to the back where there's a door we go in shut the door and it's a fucking maybe 20 person live snm show and i was just like and i was and she's like do you like what you see and i was like yeah yeah And that was the night before Father's Day. And I would like to look at the camera now and apologize to her dad for all the shit I did to his daughter the night before Father's Day.

I tell you, she didn't sleep. I promise you that. She did not sleep. So it was interactive. Yeah, you could. You didn't have to. But you did. I did not go up with no.

She and I went home after that oh you got inspired by it then you went home and you spanked her a little bit but it was interactive if you wanted to come up and respectfully do like there was a girl up there with her nipples clamped and you could go up and put shit on people's bodies or you know they would have

shit like suspended from their like little weights and shit suspended from their nipples and they're fucking whipping each other you could go up whip somebody yeah and she all she wore that night was a fishnet outfit with pasties over her titties and a g-string that was her outfit yeah i was like where are we going and what were you wearing fucking jeans and like a t-shirt or something a hoodie what i always wear say shit and everybody just look at it's funny because when you're with a woman like that or a guy like that and they're

so good looking you know everyone's gonna look yeah you know but it wasn't just her getting the looks i was the secondary looks i was getting like what you you know what i mean yeah yeah tonight it is yeah and all they're thinking is this guy's packing. He's got something going on we don't know about. I did. I had something going on. Yeah. When you push your body too hard or you just feel run down, it's extremely important to stay hydrated. Making hydration a priority helps us feel better on a day-to-day basis. All right, liquid IV is the best, guys. I take it every day. Even if I'm feeling run down, I throw a liquid IV in some water and boom, off you go.

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All right, back to BU. I went to college, and after, I didn't apply to BU. I was in Europe. I took a year off after high school. I worked two jobs for like six months, and then I went to Europe for six months with a backpack on. I saved $3,000, and it lasted me six months. It did.

Well, it was like 1985. But you actually were good about it. You didn't blow it. Well, I bought a one-month Eurail pass, and then some French guys showed me how to forge it to change it to a six-month Eurail pass. Okay, all right. So buses and trains were free. Yeah.

I was staying in youth hostels where it was usually like $10 a night. And then once you're at the youth hostel, people tell you, you know, you got the Swiss guy that goes, hey, man, you can get falafels at this place down on L Street. They're two bucks. And, you know, and then people share food. And it's just like you're living cheap, which is the best way to travel. Yeah. Because you get to know people and you count on people and you kind of like, you know, and just hooking up, like having sex with, I mean, just girls, like you said, way out

of my league. Hooked up with the hostels and stuff. Hooked up with the hostels all the time. I went to the one in Barcelona. I walk in and I open the door for the showers and I walk in and I see three naked chicks and I close the door and i walk in and i see three naked chicks and i i close the door i walk out and then as i'm walking away this girl opens the door and she goes uh no no no it is uh how you say co-educational and i'm like no it's not and i'm walking and there's like you know

fucking danish girls and like african girls and everybody's everybody's just embracing it and everybody's naked and it wasn't like stalls. It was like a it was like a Holocaust shower. It was a wide open room with just spigots and people fucking

drying their asses and oh my God. I just want you to know you just ruined that motherfucking fantasy for me. I saw the steam part ways and I saw the corners of women over here. There's nothing sexy about that.

Yeah, there's nothing sexy about that. That's the least sexy shower scene in history. That and psycho. That and psycho, right? And so I took a lot of showers. I was there for three days. I took, like like three showers a day man i was shriveled up i was i will be too yeah holy shit i remember when we were in um

belgium we were waiting um to get a ferry to go back to i think it was it's ferry ferry i know you're from baltimore you said ferry yeah how do you say it it's ferry f-e-r-r-y say ferris wheel ferris wheel what do you say it? It's ferry, F-E-R-R-Y. Say Ferris wheel. Ferris wheel. What do you say, Ferris wheel? Yeah, Ferris wheel. What do you call this part of your face? A forehead. What do you say?

Farhead, I say it wrong. You do say far? I don't know why I say farhead, but I also, me and Kreischer, for some reason, both say, what's the word we both say wrong? Maybe it's farhead. It's definitely farhead. That's on the list. Yeah.

Fairy. Anyway. I used to say Sigourney Weaver. Did you really? Yeah, until somebody was like, it's Sigourney. I was like, but wait, you don't say journey, you say journey. Yeah. Oh, nightmare.

Me and Bert say nightmare. He said that on here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nightmare. I don't know journey, you say journey. Yeah. Oh, nightmare. Me and Bert say nightmare. He said that on here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nightmare. I don't know why I say it that way. So anyway, so I save up all this money. Yes. I go to Europe, I come back, and while I was gone,

and I had no plans of going to college. I was a D student in high school. And so my father took it upon himself to apply to Boston University. And I get home and he goes, congratulations. I said, what? He goes, you got into BU. I go, I didn't apply to BU. He goes, congratulations.

And so I realized he wrote the essay. He did it? He wrote the essay about my trip to Europe based on the postcards I was sending him from the road. And so I get in and i show up to college and i'd never been in the city before i literally showed up my my mom brought me up my first day of school and like not a day early like the the no the night before class was started i show up 250 000 kids show up to boston for college every fall that's insane yeah 250 000

so i show up and i'm like this is fucking That's insane. Yeah, 250,000. So I show up and I'm like, this is fucking heaven. I mean, Boston's a beautiful city. You just see U-Hauls with hot chicks and denim shorts loading fuck. And I got my father's army duffel bag. That's all I got, stuff. That's it. And I go into my dorm room and I check in and I look at the door next to me, next to my dorm, and it says Chris Greenleaf.

And I go, wow, that's fucking weird because I grew up, we lived in Cherry Hill, New Jersey when I was like five and six years old. I remember Cherry Hill. That was rough Jersey. Was it? Back when we went there. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, I think we lived in the nice part of the shitty town and so uh my next door neighbor and best friend for those two years

was a kid named chris greenleaf and he had jet blonde hair and so i fucking just knock on the door door opens kid with jet blonde hair down here he's a surfer i go chris greenleaf he goes yeah i go greg fitzsimmons goes, get the fuck out of here. What are the odds of that? So we start snorting crank that night. We stayed up all night snorting crank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like the, and it was, and we just bonded.

The first night. The first night. We stayed up all night. And he knew this other kid from the other dorm, so we all hung out. So anyway, the first week of school, so like that following weekend we were out and I come back to the dorms and it's like two o'clock in the morning and I'm drunk.

And as I come up the stairs, I see this girl and she's being helped by two other girls and she's crying hysterically. And I'm like, what the fuck happened? And they said, she just got sexually assaulted. Whoa. And I was like, what the fuck happened? And they said, she just got sexually assaulted. Whoa. And I was like, fuck. And I got a sister and I was like, my blood got boiling.

And I was with another guy named Jeff, Jeff Brown. And we go, what did he look like? Where is he? And they said, he's got on a, just say like Mississippi prep school. He had something very specific on his sweatshirt. His blue sweatshirt, big guy. And I said, all right, let's go. Let's go find him.

So me and Jeff split up. BU is basically one avenue. It's one avenue of Austin. And so he goes left and I go right. And I go running up the street and I see a kid in a sweatshirt. It says Mississippi prep school on it. And I go, hey.

I go, they want to talk to you back at the dorm and he's like what are you talking about i go you just molested someone you're coming back to the dorm so the guy pushes me he's with another guy and they're fucking huge it turns out later they're on the football team so i'm on the ground i pick up a very fine fruit punch bottle and i smash it and i chase after them and they run into the dorms. But the dorm that they're running into is like, it's got a, you have to be buzzed in by the security guard and the security guard is behind plexiglass. And so I enter as they enter and they're showing their IDs

and I go, don't let them in. I go, this guy just attacked somebody at the dorm, call campus security, call the police. And the guy comes at me and I'm holding the fucking bot and I'm drunk and I'm a fucking lunatic, I go, this guy just attacked somebody at the dorm. Call campus security. Call the police. And the guy comes at me, and I'm holding the fucking bottle. And I'm drunk. And I'm a fucking lunatic. But I got the bottle up. And I'm holding two football players with a very fine fruit punch bottle.

They call the cops. And it takes a while. They're like trying to go shoot with me. You switch your hands and shit. Like, oh, fuck. They're coming at me. I'm going like that. And so the cops show up.

The cops show up and they look at me like, who is this lunatic? I go, this guy. So anyway, they get them. They get their statements. They get their ID, blah, blah, blah. Turns out the girl who it happened to, Carol, she decided she was a freshman, first week of school, she didn't want to press charges.

She wanted to just go away. She wanted to enjoy her freshman year and not deal with it, which, whatever. So then I get charges pressed against me for assault with a deadly weapon by the two guys. Because of the fine juice bottle?

Because of the very fine juice bottle. So I get a letter sent. You need to get them to sponsor your podcast, dude. Very fine. When you're in a pinch. Two guys bigger than you? Not when you got very fine. That is great.

So they're pressing charges? So they're pressing charges. My parents get a letter from the dean of the school and from the head of the dorm saying, I'm losing my campus housing. I'm getting thrown out of campus housing. And I might be thrown out of school. And they have a hearing. And what are the charges?

What are you facing? Is it real jail time or is this just a college thing? It's assault with a deadly weapon. It's real shit. Yeah. So what are you facing? How many years do you get for this shit? I don't know. But I

know that at the preliminary hearing Carol showed up and she sat there and she said if they don't, and I talked to her about it. I said if she said if they don't drop the charges against him, I'm pressing charges for assault. And they

dropped the charges and we were good and i became good friends with her that's nice college yeah for carol first week yeah what a traumatic experience and then for her to have to go in there and put herself on the fucking line i know she did that for me yeah that's nice yeah and your friend your friend lee with her or became friends yeah and then jeff brown the other guy who who I'm still in touch with to this day. I had met him that night. We kind of bonded over it, though.

Do you crank with him, too? You're like, come on, girl. I got the answer to your problem. I guess I should have said the other kid's name when we were talking about doing crank, but whatever. I mean... Okay, I want to hear about this. You and I share a common friend vicky um i met her at oprah and vicky ernst yep and she met you at ellen yeah right and i met her at oprah and right away i

know you when you meet her you just she's one of those you just click with right away you're like of course of course you like her she lived with us oh really we have we have a little uh studio apartment in our guest house in the back and she lived there for oh really we have we have a little uh studio apartment in our guest house in the back and she lived there for like two years she's the best she's the greatest i mean i could sit and talk sports with her like but really talk sports yeah just cover two deities motherfuckers are running i was like oh that's awesome okay so you worked at ellen and you know we hear all these fucking stories about how horrible and everything what do you what what can you tell us because it's on your list so obviously it's a low light some of it i have to dance around certain things because i am under a non-disclosure agreement but i mean i think there's certain

things that i can talk about because they're not defamatory to the show but which i would never be so i get i get hired at the show as a as a writer and and you know and you got to remember something like ellen degeneres is one of the best comics to ever do it yeah and i was a huge fan of hers when she was just a road comic and then doing half hour vh1s half hour comedy hour i remember seeing her doing the smoking yeah yeah killing killing it. Killing it. Killing it. And I was like, so I heard that she was, I talked to Karen Kilgariff, who was, she was hired as the head writer for the show. One of my faves. And so Karen tells me about the job.

Can I ask you, did you have to submit a packet or what did you have to submit for a show like Ellen? And was Ellen already going when you did or was this a new thing coming? They had just developed it and I was brought on for like three months before it started to help come up with what the show would be. But no, I think the executive producer, Mary Connolly, I knew because she had booked me on Letterman. She'd booked me on Kilborn. She used to be an executive producer on other late-night talk shows. So I knew her, so I was in there.

And then Karen, obviously, we were good friends, so I was in there and then Karen, obviously we were good friends and she was the one who suggested I go for the job. And so I think I did write, so yeah, I did. I wrote some monologue jokes for her

and she responded to them. And so I got hired. So I come in, I'm a writer producer and then we're doing test shows. So we bring in audiences, you know, before the air date to try out segments and try some monologues.

With Ellen? With Ellen. Okay. We did test shows. And so at the time, they were looking for an audience warm-up person. And they couldn't find anybody that Ellen liked. You should look at stacks of tapes of guys that were the best warm-up. I don't like him.

I don't like him. So then during the test shows, Ellen said, Greg, warm up the audience. So I went out. I just did my stand-up. And I did some crowd work, whatever. And so as we get closer to the start date, the executive producer comes to my office and she goes, Ellen wants you to be the warm-up guy.

And I go, I'm not doing Fucking warm-up on a daytime talk show Plus writing and producing Right Which is my main job And she goes, well here's what it pays And it was like significant money Extra? On top of my salary I was gonna get a whole other salary

For literally walking out for five minutes All you gotta do is five minutes Do a little stand-up, bring her out, and you're done. Oh, you're not coming out the whole entire time? During the commercials, I just played music, and the audience would dance. Because everybody loved to dance there. Yeah, right. So it was the easiest job in the world for a ton of money.

And so I was like, all right, I'll do it. I'll do it. So I go out there. And real quick, was this five days a week? We taped five shows in four days. Five in four. Fridays was a production day. And so the first week, I go out there, and it's easy.

It's basically warmed down because her fans are so insane. You got to go, hey, everybody, keep your shit together, okay? She's just a person. Relax. Yeah, it's like that. Instead of what normally you're going like come on everybody get up on your feet yeah it's the easiest job in the world and i would crush i would do my i would do my like you know clean as jokes i would crush and then i would uh

and then i would sit in the front row and i had cue cards and i had a magic marker and i would i would on the fly i would write jokes for her and i'd hold them up and she'd do them. And so it was fun. But the first week I went out and I said to the crowd, and I'm trying to figure out what warmup is. What else can I do? You had never done that before. I'd never done it. And I go, all right, you guys, let's do the wave.

You guys want to do the wave? I said, yeah, all right. I said, okay, whenever I say banana, you guys do the wave. And so I start talking, I go banana and they do the wave? I said, yeah, all right. I said, okay, whenever I say banana, you guys do the wave. And so I started talking, I go banana and they do the wave. And meanwhile, I'm friends with Eric Lederman and a bunch of guys that are standing outside of stage, doubled over and what a corny hack I am. And so, so anyways, the show starts,

Ellen comes out to do the monologue. I'm sitting in the front row and I'm sitting like, not like 15 feet from her, right in front of her. And she comes out and she starts the monologue. I'm sitting in the front row and I'm sitting like not like 15 feet from her, right in front of her. And she comes out and she starts the monologue and then she goes, so I made a smoothie and I put a banana in and I completely forgot that we had the word banana

in the monologue. Yeah. Did they do it? The crowd stood up and did the wave. This is the first week of the show. Ellen is still nervous. She does it and all of a sudden the wave. This is the first week of the show. Ellen is still nervous. She does it, and all of a sudden, she goes like, whoa.

She goes, what just happened? What just happened? I go, you guys just did the wave. That's funny. That's weird. Why'd you do the wave? Okay. Anyway, so I made a smoothie,

and so I peeled a banana. They do the wave again. And she goes, okay, I don't know what's going on, but if you guys could stop doing the wave. And I'm sitting there going like, holy fuck. Does the entire audience think this is a bit at this point? No, they're in on it. They think Ellen's in on it. They think that this is all the plan.

The one-up guy set up Ellen so that she could do this. And so it happens one more time and then she just goes all right stop stop taping stop the show what's going and so i have to go up on stage and go ellen i i kind of fucked up and i told him to do the wave and uh she was not happy she's not happy yeah i would have laughed at that, though. I would have been like, for real? You fucking did this? I think if it had happened maybe a month into the show, but it was like the first week. And, yeah. That's just chaos.

So I got to my desk the next morning. I showed up for work, and there was a pile of bananas my friends had put on the desk. But... but uh no but i can't speak about those days as much as i'd like to i try to try to not get sued yeah how long were you there i was there the first two years two years won four emmys did you congrats two for producing and two for writing. Hell yeah. Yeah. How's that helped you in your career? Has it helped?

I think a daytime Emmy, I think four of them equals half of a nighttime Emmy. Four, that's a lot. God damn. That's a lot. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. No.

That's cool. You got a trophy. Yeah. And they look good. I gave my mom one and she loves it. And then the other ones are like tucked away in my office. You can go to my office. Yeah.

I got the YouTube plaque on our wall over here. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares about these things. What's the YouTube plaque? When you hit 100,000 subscribers, they send you a plaque. No. Yeah. And then the next one's at a million, they send you another plaque. Oh, shit.

Or maybe there's a half a million. I'm not sure. Wow. But yeah, they send you a plaque that you pay for. Yeah. You know, nothing's free, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the money they made off you,

and they're like, you got to pay for that plaque. Right, right. Yeah, that hardware is nice, though, when you get older. That's what I'm saying, yeah. What's some of your, go back to some of the jobs you had before comedy. What's some of the worst shit you ever did? I did a – we had a – me and my brother started a business.

We lived in Newport, Rhode Island. You ever been to Newport? No, I've been to Rhode Island. Yeah, Newport's a fancy-ass town. It's all the biggest mansions. They were all built during the Gilded Age, like the Astors. And they had all these like, literally they look like museums. They're gigantic.

And they're on the most breathtaking stretch of rocky coast. And it's amazing. And so we go out there, me and my brother are going out there and we're living in a house with 11 other people. It's a converted horse barn. Are you family or is this all friends? It's just me and my brother and then my buddy, Chris,

and then a couple of friends from college and then a couple of their friends. And so we're staying in this house and me and my brother decide because we had met a guy. We lived in the Hamptons the summer before and we were bussing tables and shit. Never been there either. I really want to go there. Yeah, Hamptons is nice. And so we go out and we knew this guy and he was running his own business. And so we learned from him.

We just basically talked to him a lot. We go, we're going to do that next summer. And so the business model is you go to all the real estate places and you say, we are going to do any odd job anybody needs done. Landscaping, babysitting, house cleaning, ride to the airport, fucking driveway ceiling, whatever you need done, pool cleaning, we do it. We don't do any of it, but we tell them,

me and my brother show up, we put on suit and tie and we walk into every real estate place in Newport. We got these nice color brochures we made up and and we hand them out, and everybody's very impressed. And it's also one of those places where it's so expensive to live there that it's actually hard to find people to do menial jobs. Yeah, and I know that people with money love to pay for shit that's convenient for them. Right, right. And save them. Their time is valuable. Exactly.

Yeah. So our phone starts ringing off the hook, and we're're getting jobs and we've got everybody in the house. I was gonna say, that's a great idea. They're all working for us. And the idea is we're charging 20 bucks an hour and we're gonna pay our friends 15 bucks an hour. And we're gonna keep the five and just answer phones all day.

And so we start sending them out. And of course they're all fucking hung over. People are showing up late. People don't wanna die. I'm not mowing a lawn. What I mow a lawn. Yeah, you said you want to die i'm not mowing a lawn would i mow a lawn yeah you said you'd fucking i'm not about 50 why are you getting 20 and i'm getting 15 well because we were the ones that said that that's not fair i should get 20 well what then what how are you

getting it's like all of that all day and it turns into me and my brother doing the jobs it turns into just us you You did do it? We did all the shit. And we didn't have no idea what we were doing. This one guy, Mr. Schindelman, he owned a condo complex and it was like a bunch of little bungalows around a swimming pool.

And he charged premium money because there was a pool. So he hired my brother to open up the pool. And when you, I don't know if you know about pool maintenance, but you got to shock a pool. Yeah, you got to shock it. You have a lifeguard. Yeah, and lifeguard yeah ph everything's gotta be balanced yeah and and

and we show up and there's algae on the on the pool and the and the the pump doesn't work and everything's fucked up so my brother says i can take care of it and we're charging them and my brother like can't figure it out the first week can't figure it out the first week. Can't figure it out the second week. Memorial day comes and goes. Tenants are complaining. By July, the pool still has algae on it. There's a rent strike. Nuh-uh. Shindleman sues us.

He sues us because he's been paying us. So now we got a lawsuit. We're dodging this guy. I do a driveway sealing job, which I don't know if you've sealed a driveway, but you get this like tar and you and you pour so we went to this hardware store and we bought some some of the tar and uh and i i didn't read the directions i just i just got a broom and i fucking swept it made it black

i leave i get paid two days later it rains and I was supposed to something I didn't do right the rain washed all the the tar into this like $10,000 Japanese garden killed all the flowers no it did not

yeah destroyed the driveway looked like shit she's suing us and then meanwhile multiple lawsuits yeah

meanwhile like there's this one girl we got this other woman and we're cleaning our house and she's a she's a divorcee and she's this one girl, we got this other woman and we're cleaning our house and she's a divorcee and she's newly divorced and she's got this apartment and she wants us to clean it. And so me and my brother don't want to clean it. So we say, all right, we'll switch every other week. Each guy will clean the apartment. And I would show up and I'd be like, man, this woman's a fucking pig. This place looks like it hasn't been cleaned in two weeks.

And I'd be like, man, this woman's a fucking pig. This place looks like it hasn't been cleaned in two weeks. And so I start going, what the fuck is going on? And then I find out my brother's showing up and he's banging her. And he's not cleaning. He's just having sex with her. He's getting paid. He's getting paid to have sex with her. He's cleaning her pipes, bro.

And I'm doing two weeks worth of cleaning. Yeah, you are. And I'm flirting with her. I had no idea. So I'm kind two weeks worth of cleaning. Yeah, you are. And I'm flirting with her. I had no idea, so I'm kind of flirting with her. But he had game. Did she know you were brothers? Oh, yeah. Oh, she did.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had game. I didn't have the game. That is hilarious. And then so we had a 76 Valare station wagon, Plymouth Valare. Yeah. And somehow reverse didn't, somehow it didn't,

reverse didn't work. And so whenever we parked the car, we would have to open up the doors, me, him, and my friend, and we would just kick, we would kick it backwards to get out of parking spots. And so we left. You're Flintstone.

Yeah, we were Flintstone. Fitzsimmons, meet the Fitzsimmons. Meet the Fitzsimmons. That is hilarious. Y'all using your feet to get out. And the company was called Sure Thing Home Services. You're pushing out of a parking space. It's a sure thing over here.

Picking up girls. All right, ladies, open your door. You got to earn this one. Get your high heels on. So we left town and like, at the end of the summer, we packed our shit

and we left in the middle of the night. And no lawsuits ever hit you? No. No lawsuits ever followed you? No, we went back to college. We forgot about it.

Dude, that is fucking $10,000 Japanese guard. Like, it had to be the worst shit. Toxic. Whatever I used was toxic. What was your very first job ever? I used to caddy when I was like, I was probably like 12.

And I weighed like less than 100 pounds. And I go out there, they give me one bag. But this is in the 80s when people had those Rodney Dangerfield bags. Yeah, he's got the radio on. The radio, got a beer tap. But these guys would fucking, they'd have an umbrella. They would have like 30 extra balls. They had like, wait, you're supposed to have 14 clubs this guy have like 17 clubs in there a rain jacket an extra pair of shoes

and i and and the golf course that i worked at it was like the hilliest fucking it was and if you if i looked it up online the average golf course if you walk it is about seven miles so i'd be out there golf It's funny you say golf. Golf. Yeah. Say it like Baltimore, right? I say golf. Oh, you say golf.

Yeah, like the Gulf of Mexico. Do you say Gulf of Mexico? Gulf of Mexico. So you say it again? Well, Gulf of Mexico is spelled G-U-L. Yeah. I say it the same way as what I'm saying. Really?

Yeah. Golf and golf. Golf of Mexico. I'm going to go golf. I don't change it. Sorry. So, and I worked my way up to two bags, and I used to get, I can't believe this shit. I used to get up at like 6.30 in the morning.

I'd get on my 10-speed bike, and it was about a seven mile ride to the golf course one way one way with seven miles i'd get there i would carry a bag and then eventually two bags for seven fucking miles some days i would do two loops and then i get back on that bike and i'd ride it back home again all right and then i go this math in my head if you did two loops that would be 14 miles 14 miles with bags seven ride and seven ride and seven bags, so 28 miles? Yep. Holy shit. Yeah.

And hilly. Damn, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're biking and walking. Yep. Fuck, dude. And then I go drinking all night. Well, you're probably in the best shape of your life. Isn't it amazing when you were young, the energy that you had?

I could go out, I could sleep five hours and go do it again. I don't want to do that with a cart. Right. You know what I mean? I don't want to drive with it. Yeah. And we would go, and I'd ride my bike, and I'd stop at Twin Donuts on the way, and I'd get a ham and egg sandwich on a roll,

and all the caddies would sit in the yard, and they'd bust each other. He was all these kids from Yonkers. He's like tough Irish Catholic kids from Yonkers. And they were the funniest motherfuckers I've ever met. And it was this one kid. His name was Bob Kalacki. And they called him Killer Kalacki because he had his head shaved and he was trying to get in the Marines. But he kept getting rejected because he was too intense.

He was too intense for the Marines. I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah, yeah. This guy would be like climbing fucking trees while he was out there and they there was i think he had a record i think he had some kind of a record and uh and there was another guy named one arm willie who was a one-armed caddy who was a one arm caddy yeah and he was he looked like he was in his 80s he was old they'd send him out with one bag one arm but they but the members loved him because he could read putts

and he knew the course. PGA Jack, there was a rumor that he lived in his car and there was rumors that he'd killed people. And he lived in the fucking parking lot of the country club. He slept in his car. Yeah.

Smelled like shit. I'll bet. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. And then the caddy master, Bobby Orman, he would do this thing when the fall came and you were caddying in the fall,

he had the betting slips for the NFL. And so if you bought a ticket, then you got a good loop. If you bought a ticket, then you got a good loop. If you bought five tickets, you got a really good loop. If you didn't buy any tickets, you didn't get out that day. At all. Yeah. Oh, he wouldn't even send you out.

No. Now there was always more caddies than there were loops. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of ass kissing that went on. There was a lot of politics that went on. This is great, dude. Look, we're there already. I can't believe we're there already.

We got to get you out of here. I got to get out of here. But thank you for doing this. This is a pleasure, man. Anytime, brother. And it's good seeing you around the store now. So congratulations on passing in. Thank you, my man.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Doing some spots. Everybody's been super kind about it. I was pleasantly surprised by that. Well, it's not – Mostly people just don't give a shit. But it's a different camaraderie there.

No, it's a club. I mean, it's a club and you're in it and you should have been in it a long time ago. But the truth is like when guys like you are working the club, it's better for everybody. Because the lineups are stronger and the crowds get hotter and you know it's great yeah it's been coming back it feels good in there lately yeah um plug everything again please all right i'm gonna be on the road go to fitzdog.com to get tickets i'm gonna be coming to uh uh and Spokane, and New Orleans, Lafayette, Denver Comedy Works, my second favorite club in the country. What's your first?

I never say. All right, tell me later. I never say, because if I say Tacoma, if I say, then people in the other club, it's like, hey, what the fuck? Right. Yeah. But this is my second favorite podcast i'll take it brother i'll

take it uh as always ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media we'll talk to you all next week Thank you.