The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Greg Fitzsimmons - HoneyFitz

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Greg Fitsimmons! (Fitzdog Radio, Sunday Papers, Childish) Greg Highlights the Lowlights of humiliating moments including being embarrassed publicly by Howard Stern. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour August 4th & 5th: St. Louis, MO August 11th: Los Angeles, CA August 18th & 19th: Tampa, FL September 1st & 2nd: Springfield, MO September 15th & 16th: Tulsa, OK September 29th & 30th: Pheonix, AZ October 27th & 28th: Salt Lake City, UT SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Nutraful -For a limited time, US listeners can get ten dollars off your first scalp care order when you go to https://www.nutrafol.com/SCALP and ends promo code HONEYDEW

See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We are over here doing the Nightpan Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler, on all your social media. And again, want to thank you guys, whether you're new here or whether you've been here. Thank you for subscribing.

Thank you for supporting the special. Come out and see me on tour if I'm in your city when you're available. Tickets are available at ryansickler.com. Listen, if you've got to have more, I'm telling you, I say it every week. I know it sounds, people are like, oh, it's not a sales pitch. This Patreon is $5, and it's the honeydew with y'all. And as much as I love sitting across from comedians, athletes, whatever, I absolutely love sitting and talking to you guys. All right, so we just had a lady, if you haven't heard, who was almost a victim of a double homicide or suicide.

Excuse me. Murder, suicide. A double suicide. Murder, suicide. Greg Fitzsimmons is here. And the dude pulls the gun. She ducks, shoots her in the carotid artery. Then she comes up and he shoots her, goes through her mouth, blows open her jaw, out her neck.

Then he turns a gun on himself, kills himself. Her mom's in the house, sees the whole thing, runs out, plugs the carotid artery, saves her life. She's unfortunately in a wheelchair, but she's alive. She looks amazing. She is, I mean, she's yoked. She's got guns. And she's like, well, when your arms, your legs, she's yoked. She's got guns. And she's like, well, when your arms, your legs. I was like, that's a good point.

But we also just talked to a guy whose grandparents or great aunt and uncle, excuse me, were tied up, held hostage for six hours. And guess what? Great uncle got free. 75 years old with a bad hip. Killed the guy. Shot him and killed him. Saved his wife. High school sweethearts. $5, y'all. Sign up

for a year. You're getting over a month free. All right? And if you're looking for an old podcast or, excuse me, a new one to listen to, check out our old podcast, The Crab Feast. It's audio only. Greg had great episodes on there. And then come see me on tour. August 18th

and 19th, Tampa, Florida, September 1st and 2nd, Springfield, Missouri, September 15th and 16th, Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I'm adding more and more dates. We're going to be going out all through next year. All right. That's the biz. You know what we're doing here. We highlight the lowlights and these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have this guest back on. You know he's here, ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons. Welcome back to the Honeydew, young man. Let me tell you something. Five bucks to hear murder suicides, attempts.

I mean, that is a steal. Greg, we had a guy solve a cold case. Uh-huh. 18-year cold case. He accidentally kicks over a skull. He's on a land survey. It's got eyes. He freaks out thinking the murderer is still there. It over a skull. He's on a land survey. It's got eyes. He freaks out, thinking the murderer's still there.

It's a skull. He runs out, throws up everywhere. They pick the skull up. They shake it. Bullet in it still. No. Ties back to the ex-boyfriend. They get him for murder.

Wow. Dude. Wait, so you just sit there and people, what, stream in their stories? These great fans out here, submit at thehoneydoopodcast at gmail.com. Wild stories. We have so many of them. We could do this for the next 10 years. Oh, so they send you a video and then you watch it.

They don't send a video. They just send me a brief written description, and I'm like, would you like to talk about that more? Kirsten works with them, and then boom, they Zoom in. And so you do the Zoom and you record. I love it. And we hear the craziest stories. We have a guy who, this poor dude was born.

What was it, Kirsten? Thank you, girl. Cystic fibrosis. So they basically told him, roughly, these lungs you're born with, you got 50 years on it. Well, he had to go in for a procedure. Back when I was a kid, I had a friend who had it. And I was really close with him my whole life. And they said, you're not going to make it to 18, and he died at 16.

Nowadays, they're able to extend it a lot. They made some big breakthroughs in it. Damn. Yeah. This guy was given that long, but he went in for a procedure where they messed his lungs up. So now they said, oops, now you only have 25. So he's desperately in need of a lung donor. And he said to check all the boxes to get a double lung transplant is so many.

Yeah. But a friend of a friend of a friend has a son who's in that same hospital and he's passing away. And she says, what the hell? Let's just see if they're a match. And guess what? They are, dude. No shit. They are. So this boy dies. His lungs go in this kid. This kid zooms in with that guy's lungs, tells us this story. Now the family wants to meet him. And he's very nervous about meeting them because I'm the reason your son, the reason I'm alive is because your son's dead and I've got his lungs. So he meets the family and all his friends,

and they start telling him, man, you look just like him. You sound just like him. You're just like him. Breathe just like him. That's for sure. The mother's like, just exhale in my ear. Just exhale in my ear one time. Just whisper mom.

Belch. Belch. Have an asthma attack. We forgot to tell you're one time. He just whispered mom. Belch. Belch. Have an asthma attack. We forgot to tell you he has asthma. So they now say we want you to meet his girlfriend. He's like, I don't want to meet her. She's going to be emotional. I don't want to meet the girlfriend.

But he ends up saying yes because he feels guilty. Wait a minute. Where is this going? You know where it's going. No shit. Dude took his lungs and his lady. No shit. He did.

And now they're married and they just had a baby. What? They just had a baby. Get the fuck out of here. Five hours, y'all. I swear to God. For $5? Every week.

That alone is a $20 story. Every week. Yeah. How many of these Patreon people do you have? We're coming in up on 5,000. Let's do it, guys. Bump it up. We're at like 4,800. Let's do it, guys. Bump it up. We're at like 4,800.

Let's go. 5,000 subscribers on the Patreon. Yeah. These stories are insane. I'm telling you. They're insane. And I've kept it five bucks since I've started. I haven't raised it.

I'm thinking about six, but I don't know. I don't know. Let's get to 5,000. We'll see. But I sit here and listen every week. And I genuinely say, I don't know what we're going to hear this time and then dude's great uncle and aunt are held hostage and end up breaking free and shooting a guy and is there a theme to the stories it's just crazy stories it's the same show that i do with you guys but with them they highlight their low lights and i'm saying

these people have you know we just took our shit and turned it into being comedians these people have – we just took our shit and turned it into being comedians. These people did not. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did not do that. Right. They're like, nah, this is what happened here.

They got ore. They've got unprocessed ore. There's gold in there. I've talked to at least three people who've died and come back. I've talked to a dude – this is one of the craziest ones. I've talked to a dude. This is one of the craziest ones. This guy goes to, he's in Philly back when it was open air, like drugs were everywhere on every corner.

He goes up. Has that changed? Yeah, a little bit. They hide it now. Yeah. And he goes up and he gives this guy his money. And the guy gives him the drugs and he turns around and walks away. Well, this residential crackhead that's always there is like, yo, can I get some?

He's like, no, I'm not giving you any. And then he hears the big dude, yo, hey! And he said immediately he thought, oh, fuck, I gave him the wrong amount of money. So he turns around. Now, you're the drug dealer. I'm looking at you because I think, oh, I fucked up. Well, the crackhead has snatched a package from the drug dealer i'm looking at you because i think oh i fucked up well the crackhead has snatched a package from the drug dealer and he turns around and now crackhead's running directly toward me

drug dealer pulls out a gun boom shoots crackhead in the back of the head and it blows all over this guy's face it's in his mouth it's in his teeth that. That's some dirty blood. And he still went back to his car with this guy's shit all over him and shot up in the car, dude. It's $5. All right, enough of my stuff. Come on. You know, my father died and came back. What?

My father died and came back. Hold on to your plugs real quick. Tell me that. Well, my father's not- No, get your plugs out. Get them out. I'm going to write it down. I'm not going to let plugs out. Get them out. I'm gonna write it down. I'm not gonna let you forget. Get them out. Let's get them at the top.

In July, I'm gonna be coming to you in a town that I'd never heard of. It's called Pottstown and I guess it's west of Philadelphia. Thursday, July 20th. And then Friday the 21st I'll be at Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, which is apparently...

I mean, that's your neck of the woods, right? Maryland. It's not far, yeah. But I think it's very Italian. It's the shore. It's the fucking shore. So Uncle Vinny's the 21st and 22nd of July. And then otherwise, just my podcast is Fitz Dog Radio.

I just had my 1,000th episode a couple weeks ago. Man, congrats, dude. Thank you. 1,000 episodes. 13 and a half years. Yeah. And then I've got Sunday Papers with Mike Gibbons, who you know, and we cover the week's news. And then Childish, which I do with Alison Rosen.

So I do three podcasts. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. I don't want to miss this. You've been your father. So my dad was an alcoholic. We've talked about that on this show before.

And he was driving home one night. My mom and dad used to go out four nights a week and they would come home, I'm not exaggerating, three, four in the morning. They'd be in like nightclubs in New York City, best restaurants in New York City, and they drank their faces off and they drove home. And who's with you guys?

And who was home? We had a babysitter. You and who else? My brother's a year older. My sister's three years younger. Okay, so you had a babysitter watching the three of you. Our babysitters love my parents. They made some serious OT.

How bad? And then, you know, once you're drunk and it's four in the morning, the money's just flying. So they're driving home from a restaurant and they're on a deserted road. And my dad falls asleep behind the wheel. And it's in that station wagon we were talking about with the rear facing seat.

So falls asleep, going 40 miles an hour, dead into a big tree. Damn. And his jugular gets cut and his wrist gets cut. By what? There was no airbags back then. I mean, he slammed as a windshield cut.

I don't know. I was little. All I know is- And your mom's in the car, though. No cell phones back then. You know, this is like 1976. Yeah. They're probably not wearing their seatbelts.

Even if they were, the seatbelts, you know, they were around your waist. They're probably not wearing their seatbelts. Even if they were, the seatbelts, you know, they were around your waist. They didn't even go over your shoulder. They just made you pivot forward harder.

Right? They did. It was like a mousetrap. I feel like it was intentional so you get knocked out on the steering wheel and you're just fucking out.

That's what I think it was designed for. So my mom has to drive like three miles to get to town. It can still run after that? it out. That's what I think it was designed for. So my mom has to drive like three miles to get to town. It can still run after that? No, she's following him. I forgot to mention that. She's following him in another car.

And so my mom has to drive into town. Gets the ambulance to come out. So you gotta imagine all this time has gone by. He's bleeding out. Yeah. Ambulance gets there. He's got no pulse. He's flatlined. And they bring him back to life.

How? Jesus Christ. It's 1976. I don't know what they fucking had back then. You know, band-aids and super glue. Cocaine, but he just dumped cocaine in that fucking thing. And so he was in the hospital

for like a month. And I just remember being, I was younger than that. Yeah, how old were you? I was like six. Because I remember not understanding it very well. But then he told me about going to the other side. He definitely saw the light, let go, felt light, and then came back.

What did he feel when he was coming back? Did he ever say, that's what I want to know. I know everybody talks about how it feels when they're gone. Right. What's it feel like when you're... It must feel like when you... Is it a letdown? It must feel like

when you have a connecting flight across the country and you finally get to LAX and it's late and you're... No, you're early, but the gate isn't ready. So now you got to sit in the plane

with no air conditioning for 20 minutes. That's what it feels like to come back. You can't get up either, like, motherfucker. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's crazy it feels like to come back. You can't get up either, like, motherfucker. Oh, fuck.

That's crazy. All right, you wanted to share a story because I wanted to hear this. We're getting right into it, huh? Yeah, well, I like the embarrassing stuff because it's a little different than – the embarrassing is still traumatic, but it's a little different and lighthearted than some of the stuff I sit here and listen to and we've listened to. But I want to know about this. So, yeah, you were saying, talking earlier, I didn't realize,

you've been on 50 episodes of Howard Stern? Ryan, I can't explain my career. I've been on Howard Stern 50 times. I've been on Rogan 22 times. And I can't sell out the Late Show Friday at the Green Bay Chuckle Hut. Like I don't get it. I have had more fucking exposure.

Here's the thing, people have heard of me, they're not buying it. They're like, all right, that guy, we like that guy. He's a good interview, good standup, not hard on the eyes. Not at all. But not one of those guys that with that much exposure is playing theaters. I'm not resentful.

I always say I crawl my way to the middle. I'm staying right there. Yeah. Nobody's on my ass. Nobody's trying to pull me down. I'm not getting me too'd. They're like, me who? No me too. Me who'd.

He got me who'd. I get me who? No, me too. Me who? You got me who? I get me who'd. Who's he? So I get on Stern. And the thing you gotta know is my father was a big radio guy in New York. He was one of the biggest radio guys in New York City for 20 years. And so. But let's, just for some of the younger people, just so you know, like what years are we talking to 50 episodes?

I would say starting in probably 99. Damn, really? Yeah. Yeah. So you're prime stern. Prime stern. He was still on terrestrial when I started going on.

That's before E. Was he on E already? He was on E already. Yeah. But this is- But it's massive, massive audience. Massive audience. But does Twitter-

No, it doesn't exist in 99. No Twitter. So there's no- I mean, that's probably a big part of it too. I feel like we're- Getting popular back then, before social media and everything without the ability to have the exposure and the way it grows and quickly i feel like we're sort of like erica strata you know what i mean like he was that latin hunk but yeah right before that j-lo burst you know what i

mean he was in that so he missed that window of like here's the lat Ricky Martin and all this Eric Estrada I feel like we're ponch you know what I mean yeah Estrada sees Mario Lopez and he's like

can I announce the movies in the hotel rooms that's what I'm talking about can I be the guy that says Pretty Woman is on your I did this shit first yeah

I was before you oh alright so you've got 50 episodes of that and then you get your own show so then he gives me my own show on his channel All right, so you've got 50 episodes of that, and then you get your own show. So then he gives me my own show on his channel,

and there was a bunch of people. There was a lot of whack packers. There was Riley, what's his name, Riley something, Riley Martin, who would talk to aliens and ETs, and he had a regular relationship with this planet. He was one of these guys that would like go into details about the people from Overcron and that they live on this wavelength. And when they talk and he would talk in their language and he was so crazy and

he was such a drunk, but his story was tight. I'm saying with the new stuff that we're seeing with these aliens, it's starting to sound like these people might've been a little more right and right about it. Yeah, he might have been on to something. And so Howard would have him on all the time, and he would be so rude to Howard. He would always be like, he was his old black guy, and he'd be like, man, you don't pay me any fucking money. I do all these appearances on your show.

And so finally Howard goes, all right, I'll give you your own show. So he gives him his own show, and for an hour every week, they had to go to his house in New Jersey because he wasn't capable of getting off the gas. He just drank. And they set up shop and they would put him on the air every week and he would have callers and he would shit on Howard every episode. So there's all these crazy shows that were on the network. There was like, you know, John Hines and Baba Booey used to have a show

about fast food. And then there was the wrap-up show. And so there was a bunch of, there was only a couple of legitimate shows. There was me and then there was a guy named, I'm a fucking idiot for forgetting his name, but he was a classic radio guy. So, you know, I'm on the air and then- So are you friends, would you say, or friendly?

Oh, he invited me to his house in the Hamptons and we used to email back and forth a lot. It's more than just a working relationship. Well, yeah, 50 times on the show. It was crazy. But the reason I bring up my dad is, so he used to shit on my dad because you know Howard's M.O. is just go after everybody who's above you you know that's what he did on the way up so he shit on my dad said oh this guy's a has-been

he hosted Jerry Lewis telethon only a has-been would host a telethon and so he was persona non grata in my house like my parents my mother especially

really couldn't stand my father kind of got it he saw what he was doing he was like all right that's his shtick you know and so go to whatever the year was it was maybe 1998 99 and i went to the aspen comedy festival remember hbo used to have a comedy festival yeah back when aspen was a thing yeah so it was a it was fun as shit. You fly into Aspen. You ski. And so I won the

festival. They gave me a trophy for best comedian at the festival. You know why nobody knows? No social media back then. That's right. That'd be everywhere right now. I could have gotten some traction on that shit. And so HBO's not even around anymore. It's Max now for God's sake. That festival's long gone- HBO's not even around anymore. It's Max now, for God's sake.

That festival's long gone. HBO's gone. And so I get on Stern's radar because they're looking for new people to come on the show. So they bring me in and I get nervous because my agent says, yeah, Howard Stern called, he wants you to come on. And my only connection is he used to shit on my father.

He's gonna bring me on- Why did he used to shit on my father. He's going to bring me on. Why did he used to shit on your dad real quick? Just because. What connection did they have? Well, they were both New York radio guys. That's the, okay. And my father had been around longer. But had your dad ever had any animosity toward him?

Okay, so it was just Stern doing his thing. No, he used to go after Don Imus. He used to go after William B. Williams. The guy in Cleveland. He had a funeral. He would do funerals for everybody. Yeah. And down in Philly, he went after John DiBello.

That's the one. John, I did his show recently on tour last year. I love that guy. DiBello's the best. Yeah, he's great. And so the last time I was in town, he wasn't on that week. He was off, and he drove to the radio station because I was doing Preston and Steve,

and he picked me up and took me out to breakfast. Stern? No, DiBello. Oh, John, yeah. So anyway, so he used to go after my dad. And so now I'm thinking this is some kind of a hatchet job. He's gonna bring me on. He's gonna attack me. He's gonna go after my dad.

But meanwhile, when my dad died, Stern did a very serious eulogy, did a very long tribute to my dad. He talked about what he learned from him, how in a business where nobody, everybody's backstabbing, whatever,

that my dad was the one guy everybody liked. He was very sweet. Hell yeah. So I sort of thought, like, all right, that's fine. I got my peace with him.

But I'm still thinking when I get on the show, like, I don't know how this is gonna go. So the night- Do you know for sure if he knows the connection yet?

Nope. Okay. And so the night before I don't sleep. I don't sleep. Oh, I forgot a little detail. So I'm listening and I was a fan. I used to listen to the show. Yeah.

So I'm going- And it's a big show. There's a lot of anxiety going on with this whole layer of your dad there. Yeah. So I'm going on a Monday. Friday is a, they were on a vacation week, and they played a rerun.

Oh, no. Best of. And on the rerun, he's shitting on my father. So now I'm like, oh, this is a fucking setup. So I go in. And you still go. You don't puss out. Fuck that.

I'm going in. You didn't consider it at all? I figured if you went after me, I was gonna go back at him just as hard, you know? And I knew stuff about him. Yeah, you probably did have some insight that other people didn't. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. They had the same agent, my father and Howard, Don Buchwald. So I go in and he immediately welcomes me with open arms, sings my father's praises. There's a fucking love song to my dad. Treats me great. And I see that like he's got kids and he sees something in me

and he's fascinated. I swear to God, a dozen times when I was on the show, he would ask me what it was like having a father who was a famous radio guy because he wanted to know what it was like for his kids. I see. Okay. And he also just, there was just this thing

where I felt like he loved me. I really did. It was a very close connection. And obviously being on the show and off the air, he is the kindest person the most generous person you've ever met nothing like what he's on like on air and so you know between during commercial breaks we would huddle up and talk shit and gossip and and so um so i do the show like 50 times and then um and he and then at a certain point he goes hey do you want your own show we're on

the air it's like you want your own show? We're on the air. He's like, you want your own show on the channel? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I would love that. This is how he drops it. Yeah. Isn't it blow you away? I've talked to people a lot of times about when something, an opportunity like that happened. And in your mind, when you're a kid and you try to dream of these things or whatever, you don't fucking it just it's not like that's how that

happened you know what i mean a friend of mine got a movie role one time and i was like what were they doing when they told you to go he was gathering his stuff to go swimming i'm like swimming right your life's hanging in the balance right right so right there he's like you want to show on this network you want to show on the network and uh you know and they give me a they get a studio in hollywood but then they also set me up i have a guest house in the back and they give me a, they got a studio in Hollywood, but then they also set me up. I have a guest house in the back and they wired it with these ISDN lines, which are like high speed cable for radio.

And they buy me tons of equipment and they hire a producer and an assistant and it was real legit. All out here, so you're able to do it out here. All out here. Okay. And then they had a studio in Hollywood. Sometimes I drive in and do the studio in Hollywood

and it goes great. And he's had a studio in Hollywood. Sometimes I'd drive in and do the studio in Hollywood. And it goes great. And he's constantly going on the air. The day after my show was Monday nights and he would go on on Tuesday mornings. A lot of times he'd play clips from my show. Oh man. It was great. So after 10 years of this, I write a book. I write a memoir, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons,

Tales of Redemption from an Irish Mailbox. And it was letters that my mother had received my whole life when I was in trouble. Principals, teachers, police reports from the times I'd gotten arrested. You had all that stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clippings from the paper when I got arrested.

And she had it all in a shoe box and I found it in my aunt's basement in the Bronx. And I was like, this is fucking crazy. She saved this, it was like a trophy case because we're Irish. They always thought it was funny. I would get in trouble and then we'd be having dinner that night and my mother would read the letter.

Like, oh, my, like I remember one was my art teacher in sixth grade was named Dewey Echdall. And so we used to do jokes about Dewey, you know, just stupid like, hey, Mr. Echdahl, do we have any homework tonight? Hey, the grass was really dewy this morning, Mr. Echdahl.

Just stupid jokes. Anyway, so he wrote it up and he listed all the jokes and my parents read it at dinner and they were fucking done. So that was how rebellion was treated in my family. And so I said, this is a book. I'm just gonna write a book and each letter,

I'm gonna, in that chapter, I'm gonna explain what was happening during that letter. And it ended up going way deeper because I started to sort of peel back layers on my relationship with my dad and where this rebellion came from, where this anger came from, where this anger came from, where, why was I fist fighting all the time?

And so I went deep into some shit. And so anyway, so I was really proud of this book. It meant a lot to me. And so I was with Simon & Schuster and they said, "'You gotta get somebody to write a forward.'" And so I thought, it's gotta be Howard. It would have been my dad, but he's gone. I'll ask Howard to do it.

So I write up this note, and I send it in. No, I was in New York, so I handed it to the program director, Tim Sabian, and I said, will you give this to Howard? And it said, Howard, you've been like a mentor to me. I had no pressure. I totally understand if you can't do it,

but it would mean a lot to me if you wrote the forward to my book, blah, blah. So Tim Sabian, I don't realize this, Howard fucking hates being asked to do things like this. Like for whatever reason, I wasn't really aware of how much he hated this kind of stuff. Okay. So Tim Sabian is very aware of it.

So Tim, on Monday morning, puts it on Howard's microphone, the note. And Howard comes in, starts the show, and he goes, what the fuck is this? Opens it up and reads the letter on air. No. And it was like a lot of heartfelt stuff. It was kind of gushy. And so he goes, what the fuck am I going to write Greg Fitzsimmons' forward for? I mean, Greg Fitzsimmons, who the fuck is he to ask?

I could be playing chess. I could be fucking my wife. I could be watching Lost. And I'm going to be writing a forward. So I hear this and I'm like, fuck. He goes, I'll do it, but I don't know why I'm fucking doing this. And so he calls me and I'm in LA. So my phone rings and it's like, it's my home phone.

So it's like, you know. It's a long go. It's a home phone. It's like 5 a.m. LA time. Oh, Jesus. And I think, hello? Hey now. He's like, what the, he goes,

why are you asking me to write a forward to, well, Howard, I just thought, you know, I said you don't have to do, yeah, but you, so it goes into a whole thing. And then he basically goes, let me off the hook on this. I go, Howard, I never put you on the hook. I go, the note said you don't have to do this. I go, there's no hook. I understand.

Don't say there's a hook that I put you on. And so he calls back, you know, the next day, he's trash talking. This goes on and I am getting hate mail from the viewers because now there's social media and people are, you know, his army of people. Oh yeah. Just love to pile on people.

And I'm not that guy i don't deal well with hate on social media at this point i don't do a lot of he continues even after that conversation let me off the hook thing he's still doing it he made a bit out of it and i even emailed him at one point and i went howard hey i just want to make sure we're cool I'm not sure if this is a bit oh yeah Greg no it's totally fine you know next day so fucking Greg Fitzsimmons emails me yesterday and he goes hey

I just want to make sure we're cool like and it just and I my stomach was in a bit plus I'm so nervous my book is coming out I'm trying to line up the press tour and it was just such a huge distraction. And it was so gut-wrenching to have this person who I looked up to so much, who I considered a friend, to use me. Part of it was he was using it as a radio bit.

Part of it was he really was angry that i asked him and do you think he would have been as angry if it wasn't just tented over his microphone like that no sabian fucked me tim sabian fucked like in in howard's mind did you set that there no okay no but Sabian absolutely could have been a filter and was like, just a heads up, man. He hates doing this kind of shit. Yep. And that's the thing about that world. Everybody's pushing each other in front of the bus every day.

They tape record each other. They prank each other. Oh, do they really? They shit talk each other. They fight on the air. And it's like, I always went in, and somehow I got treated with kit gloves. Howard never shit on me. Not once did he go after me on air.

He saved it up, though, didn't he? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. So for a month? Month and a half. Month and a six weeks. Are you listening every fucking day?

Oh, yeah. And it's daily, wasn't it? Daily, right? It's not weekly, was it? Daily, and then there's all these blogs. I'm sorry. There's all these blogs where they write down like what was said on the show

that day and then people comment on it oh god oh reddit reddit threads and it was it was so hurtful and you know and I still I still you know Howard still means a lot to me and I still listen to the show so wait

when did it stop and why did you reach out again or did you learn your lesson i went on the show i think i only went on the show once after oh you went on maybe maybe twice how did that happen i just you know here's the thing is he said to me when i first started going on they started bringing me in regularly and then jackie the joke man left the show. So they called it Jackie's Chair because Jackie's Chair was the guy who sat in, jokes for the news, bits, write stuff for Howard. And so that was essentially what we would do

when we'd come in. And so they decided they were gonna replace Jackie's Chair. And so they started having a lot of comedians come in. Stan Hope did it a lot. Stan Hope did it a lot. Artie did it a lot. I did it a lot. He started weeding people down. All of a sudden, like it's in the papers,

like it's down to Greg Fitzsimmons and Artie Lang for Jackie's chair. Okay, I didn't know that. They're like covering it, like it's a horse race. And then, you know, rightfully so, Artie got the chair. I could have done 10% of what Artie did. He would come in on Monday morning from Vegas after having sex with a hooker

who he thought was just a girl he was fucking until she charged him the next morning. You know, crazy stories, betting on games he can't afford, the losses on. And meanwhile, I'm married with two little kids. What am I gonna bring to the show? And Artie's also a dear friend. So I was very happy for him. And every time I came on the show, me and Artie would go out to eat at the Brooklyn Diner next door every single time. And, uh, and so when I didn't get Artie's chair, Howard said to me,

anytime you want to come on the show, the door is open. And he was true to that. Every time I called, I emailed Gary, said, I'm in town next week and I'm coming on Tuesday. It was like that. And then I came in once or twice after that happened and then they kind of changed the format and now the show is more like Jennifer Aniston today and fucking Elton John the next day and Billy Joel. And the show is only on three days a week instead of five.

Three hours a day instead of five. So there's less real estate and much bigger names. So I just kind of faded out of it like a lot of guys did. Well, what was it like the first episode back? Did you address anything? Did he bring it up? What was that like? Didn't bring it up.

Were you worried that was an ambush too? Yeah. You were? Yeah. I would definitely be worried about that one. Yeah. He didn Didn't bring it up. Were you worried that was an ambush too? Yeah. You were? Yeah. I would definitely be worried about that one. Yeah. He didn't even bring it up? I think they allowed one caller who gave me shit.

That's how they do it. Oh, they gave you shit. That's how they do it. They always go, they're like, he'll have on like, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow or somebody who's very erudite, educated. And then, you know know because Howard's two questions are always have you had a lesbian experience and have you had anal every

woman on the show gets asked that so he has Gwyneth Paltrow he can't ask her that we got we got Bill from Boston on yeah Gwyneth you ever take it in the pooper and then Howard go come on this is Gwyneth Paltrow here but but Gwyneth did you like that was always the move.

Got it. Yeah. Is thinning hair holding you back? Nutrafol is here to help. Their physician-formulated hair growth supplements and scalp care products create a simple but effective routine to address thinning at the source. When your scalp is unbalanced or not cared for regularly with the right products, it can become clogged, dry, and irritated, leading to a poor environment for natural hair growth.

Nutrafol's physician-formulated scalp care products are clinically shown to balance the scalp and visibly improve hair health and strength in two weeks with their 100% natural fragrance, zero parabens, and ingredients that are color and extension safe. zero parabens, and ingredients that are color and extension safe. Nutrafol supplements are the foundation for healthy hair growth, while the scalp care products create an environment for hair to thrive. With just a simple daily routine, these formulas set you up for your healthiest hair yet. Take the first step toward improved hair and scalp health now. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our U.S. listeners $10 off your first scalp care order when you go to Nutrafol.com slash scalp and enter promo code honeydew. Find out why over 4,000 healthcare professionals recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair. N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com slash scalp and enter promo code honeydew for $10 off your first scalp care order.

This is available only to U.S. customers for a limited time. That's Nutrafol.com slash scalp. Promo code HONEYDOO for $10 off your first scalp care order. Now, let's get back to the deal. And then you go on again and it's good. Enough. It's fine. And we email still.

Still. Yeah. But he never brought it up after that just sort of like it never happened he kind of well you know i think it faded the bit but don't you think that's odd though to put something in six weeks worth of like this guy doing this then it's a bit it's a bit to me a good bit's usually a two-way bit, I feel like. You know what I mean? Well, the bit was kind of- Well, you don't want to- I kind of made it a bit as well because I kept saying,

I'm not taking you off the hook. You can say, I don't want to do this, but I'm not going to rescind my request because I feel like my request came from a place of respect and a place that gave you an option to say no. And instead of off the air saying, thank you for requesting. This is not something I like doing. No offense.

Done. Did you ever say anything to his producer? No. No. So when you, was your father alive when you were working for Stern? No. No. But when you, was your father alive when you were working for Stern? No. No. But your mom was.

My mom was, my father died in 93 and this would have been around 99. And my mother was not happy. Yeah, let's talk about that. To this day, not happy that I went on Stern. She was like, you know, she always felt like my father could have gone further in his career. And that, you know, she really thought like he should have been the host of the Tonight Show, you know?

That's how she felt about her husband. Sure, sure. You know, like I would hope my wife thinks about me. Right, hell yeah. You know, and so the fact that this guy was bad mouthing my dad, there was never gonna be, no matter what he said after he died, nothing was gonna bring him back from that.

And to me, it was more like, look, I get what Howard does. I like it to some extent. Does he go too far sometimes? Yes, but I walked in there with my eyes open. Yeah. This is a guy who had done it to my father. Why wouldn't he do it to me?

How did you tell your mom? That I was going on Stern? Or did you not? Oh, no oh no no i told her no we had it we had a discussion and uh you know she she she never my mother's very passive aggressive so she'd find ways of bringing it up there were little fucking digs to me you know but i know that she thought my father was rolling in his grave that i was on on the show yeah yeah do you think he would be do you think he'd care no i think my father would get it he'd get it i mean look it was the literally the biggest outlet in broadcasting when he was

at his peak yeah he was on how many stations across the country and these are all cities that i'm doing stand-up in yeah and he would do my plugs and I would sell out every show in that market. So if I had like, you know, three weeks of shows coming up in a row, I would fly to New York. And it was always on my dime. I flew myself in, I put myself up, they didn't pay me. Great trade, fair trade.

I mean, yes. Take the plugs. It was a blast doing it. I love that staff of people. Gary's one of the nicest people I ever met, John Hines. They're all really well, they're great people, and they're a lot of fun, and they treated me with a lot of respect. And I love my time there. Was your mom still alive when he shit on you for the six weeks? Yes. Oof. Yeah.

What happened then? Did she give you an I told you so or did she get more fired up about that? Because that probably didn't sit too well with her. Like, now he's doing it to my husband and my son. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it hurt her. She was upset by it. And then when he wrote the foreword, he—

Wait, so he did end up writing a foreword? He wrote the foreword. He did. I'm like, what? wrote the forward he wait so he did end up writing a forward he wrote the forward there's no fucking way in hell i'll put my money on him doing it he did do it well he did do it but he did not he did not sit down with a pen and paper and write the forward. He was on the air and he goes, all right, why don't we just do this? I'll write the forward right now. Let's do it. And he goes, let's see, Greg Fitzsimmons is a great guy. Greg Fitzsimmons is better than, I forget what he said, but he just said just crazy shit off the top of his head, and somebody transcribed it. And then he said, he also demanded that his wife's picture be in the forward.

So the first page of my book is a photo of his wife. Beth? Yeah. Yeah. Who's a beautiful woman. But front page of my book, and then the forward. The forward follows the picture. And then the forward, and meanwhile, and at this point I'm ready to give up.

I'm like, I don't even want to put it in at this point. And Simon & Schuster is like, you're putting a forward for Howard Stern. That's going to sell books. And I never thought about it like, oh, this is going to help sell books. I just thought about it like,

I want this book to be something that lives forever, that my kids read. And that is seen as like, you know, who I am as a person. And I really felt like a big part of my career. I mean, things happen in my career that never would have happened if I hadn't been on Howard Stern development deals, hosting jobs, standup gigs, like it all came from there for years. So I wanted to represent that. And, uh, so he wrote

it very off the top of his head it was humorous and at the very end he said something very sincere but it was uh if i could do it all over again i would ask you to write the foreword to my book that's what he said no i would say i'm saying that to you right now that's are you for real yeah i would write real? Yeah. I would write the shit out of that forward. I would love that. I'm touched. Yeah. I thought you were saying that was what he said to you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I would find somebody who I respect and who I know respects me, and I would just say, you know, just write something from the heart. That's it. Dude, I would definitely write your forward. It's not going to sell any fucking books. It ain't going to sell one book. What if your patron included as part of your patreon you get a book with the five bucks a month man what a weird fucking thing too life is so strange your dad you you didn't have to become

anything in the public eye after your father already was. You know what I mean? The fact that you do, and even though it's different, it's not radio, and it still ends up driving right into the lane where you work with the dude that shit on your dad. Yeah. And then he does that to you. Who gives me a radio show. Yeah. Gives you what your father had. Yes.

Following your father's footsteps. And then treats you for six weeks the way he treated your father. Yeah, right. That's fucking. It's crazy. It is crazy. But you know what? I got over it pretty quickly, you know, because the book did well.

Do you think that forward helped? Do you know if it did? I don't know because the same week that my book came out, Gary Delabate, Baba Booey's book came out the same week and so did Adam Carolla's book. Who wrote those forwards? Who wrote Gary's forward? Not Howard.

No? No, I don't think so. Probably after Saul, your shit, he's like, I ain't gonna miss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need six weeks

of this shit. Yeah. And I don't know that, I think Adam writes his own forwards. He could. He could put the forward by me. He asked somebody else to write the forward but while they're starting to say it think Adam writes his own forwards. He could, he could put the forward by me.

He asked somebody else to write the forward, but while they're starting to say it, he writes it for them. So yeah, I got over it pretty quickly and I don't have, I have no bad feelings towards Howard. I still listen to the show. I wouldn't be able to listen to the show if I had any resentment.

Yeah, no. Give me some other embarrassing moments you ever have any embarrassing let's go back to like middle school you ever have any middle school or high school when i was right away all right when i was about nine it was the first time you started to be aware of girls, like she's pretty. And there was, there was, my friend's name was Brian Tompkins. It was one of seven kids,

George, Ernie, Timmy, Billy, Brian, Genevieve, and Liz. Okay.

And we were friends with their family, and Liz was, I'm sure still is, absolutely beautiful woman and the nicest person. Smile, crazy body. I'm seven, and I already get it. I get Liz Tompkins is hot. So I'm friends with Brian. How old's Liz at the time? You're seven. She's what?

No, no, no. I think maybe I'm nine. I'm nine. She's like probably 13 or 14. And so we went to Brian's house and we had been swimming in a pool. And so we went into Brian's room and I was changing out of my bathing suit and I was completely naked. Right out of the pool too, with that little pool dick. And it's nine to begin with. It's a nine-year-old dick. Nine-year-old, fresh out of the pool.

Fresh out of the pool. Oh, bro. I mean, that's before, I don't even know if the nutsack had fallen at that point. It might still be up in the belly. It's all just hanging. Yeah.

All tight. And then Brian flipped open the door so Liz could come in. And Liz walked in and saw me. And I cried. No. I cried. It was like literally having a nightmare in your real life. Because that's your nightmare.

Everybody has the nightmare that they're naked and they're walking down the street. Two things that are happening to me right now. First of all, you say nightmare like Bert Kreischer. I've been told that. I just heard it three times. And second of all, we're going to come back to this in a second, but is that how you have to come now?

You have to be shamed into weeping now. I need a naked nine-year-old boy in the room. That's not what I mean. I just mean shamed into weeping. I have shame. I'm not going to lie to you, Ryan. I have shame. She saw it and you just started crying?

She saw it and then she didn't even leave. She kept going, it's no big deal. It doesn't matter. Oh, she was trying to make you feel better about it the best she could. Yeah. The best she could have done was leave the fucking room. Yeah, instantly. She didn't laugh or anything, though.

No, no. Holy shit. She probably also, you've got to think of this, too, now. Let's look back. You said one of seven? Yeah. She's probably seen her. She's seen it.

Yeah. Her brothers all have dicks. Five brothers. Yeah. You know those kids her. She's seen it. Yeah. Yeah. Her brothers all have dicks. Five brothers. Yeah. You know, those kids are all running around the house after a shower. She's seen plenty of little dicks at that age. Yeah. You were good, dude.

Dude, I'm not good at nudity in front of people. Are you? No. No, I've never been great at that. What about in a men's locker room? Man, nah. No. See, because I go, I'll tell you a couple stories, but how old are you now? 57. All right. So you're, I'm 50. So when we were in middle school,

and I still am very tight friends with three or four guys, maybe more than that from middle school, where we talk about it. In sixth grade, all of a sudden it was gym class. And in gym class, we put on the shirt. It was a white shirt with a little box here that you put your last name in. Red shorts, little white box, you put your last name in. But after gym, you have to take your uniform off and put it in a locker. And it was a mandatory shower. Oh, no. Wait, how old are you? We're in sixth grade. Sixth grade. And so you don't even have pubes yet. You're 12. You're hitting sixth to eighth grade. You're starting to just get pubes.

Everything's starting to happen. And the Latino kids have a full bush and a mustache. Black kids got a big – this kid, Marlo Woodyard, I'm going to tell you right now, he was our age. He had a 30-year-old man's dick. Really? It was just unbelievable. Wow.

And so something like that, and you you know like is that what it's supposed to look like because i know so but what was strange it was communal had wall and had a middle one here and the the um gym teachers would stand the one teacher would stand at the door yeah make you go in naked you had to at least get wet. Most kids would run in, get their back under that motherfucker and get into it. And we were like, why? Why did we have to do that? Yeah, if you haven't hit puberty, you don't smell yet. Also, but why is there a teacher standing here watching?

All of us underage boys. Right. Because he's a PE teacher? What are you talking about? Right. So I've always been uncomfortable starting with that. I never have ever, ever showered at a public gym. Like when I go work out, nope.

Never. Never. When I go to these Burke Williams places I've gone a couple times, I hate getting in the pool naked. But I've done it, but I'm not comfortable doing it. Yeah. Do you? When I used to work out, there's this place in New York called Chelsea Piers, and I lived like two blocks away,

and it was state-of-the-art. It was before high-end gyms existed. It was one of the first gyms that has like the spa, the pool, gymnastics area, boxing gym, a track that goes around the circle. It was like a three block long. It had trampolines. It had a golf range next to it.

Damn. So I was a member. And when I joined, it was cheap because they just opened. So I was paying like a hundred bucks a month and I would go there five days a week. I fucking loved it. They had ice hockey rink. I played in a hockey league. Oh shit.

With Tim Robbins and Ian Bagg were on my team. Oh, yeah? Why doesn't this exist anymore? Why doesn't it exist? I couldn't afford it. Yeah, or does it? I think it's still there. Yeah.

Oh, it's definitely still there. That sounds, I'd be there all the time too. There's so much to do, not just regular old weights. And I would work out and then I would go into the steam room. But you know, I'd wear a towel. Yeah. But some guys didn't wear a towel. And so I walk into the steam room one day and i got my towel on and i sit down and you know it's at the it's at the the low end where the steam is falling out of the air and it's a and you realize

and there's a guy sitting across from me and you realize there's a big difference between hanging out in a steamy room with some naked guys and sitting alone in a space this big with a naked man. Just one other one. Just one other one. And so I'm not really looking at him. I'm kind of peering at him. And then I kind of go like, this guy looks fucking familiar.

And so I look hard. Lou Reed. No. Lou Reed from the- Take a walk on the wild side, Lou Reed. Yes. You're in there naked. Lou Reed. No. Lou Reed from the Take a walk on the wild side, Lou Reed. You're in there naked with Lou Reed.

He's naked and his old dick is hanging down. And I knew he worked out there because his wife was Laurie Anderson. And she was famously with Swim Laps in the pool. So he's sitting in there

with his dick out and there's no steam and he finally just shakes his head and he stands and he says something to me and he no steam and he finally just shakes his head and he stands, he says something to me and he stands up and he walks out naked. What does he say?

Just something like, this is taking forever, whatever, nothing. And he walks out and then as soon as the door closes, No, hell yeah. Steam starts coming up. So my reaction was I opened the door to say, hey, come on. And I just pictured myself in a towel waving a naked man towards me. Through a cloud.

Through a cloud. Like the first scene of a gay porn, right? And all I saw was his saggy ass cheeks walking away. And I just let him go. I let him walk away. Didn't say a word. Dude, I went one time. I've told this story once somewhere.

I think I'll tell it to you because you'll get this. So I wanted to go do a Burke Williams day, and I had a writing job at this place. And all the ladies kept telling me, that place is a ripoff. Go down to Koreatown. It's the same thing for way cheaper. P down to Koreatown. Oh, yeah. It's the same thing for way cheaper. Pauly Shore goes there five days a week. To the ones in Koreatown?

Yeah. Okay. So, okay, let me tell you where I went. So I go to this place, and it's like off of Wilshire, good area. Yeah, yeah. There's a golf range out back and all this stuff. And I'm like, huh, all these ladies have told me to go there. So I go in, and I mean, they don't speak english at all like nothing i don't even know how to i'm i'm i've never been i don't know what to do and they're just doing to put the fucking paper what do you

point what do you want i might want that whatever so um they just give me like this robe and i'm like is someone gonna come get me? And the lady just said, you'll figure it out. Very broken English. You figure it out. So I go back. I part these beads. It's the gayest place I've ever been in my life.

I mean, 800 dicks might as well just beat me in the face when I walk through. I was like, oh, fuck. So I get what they're saying're saying but they go to the female so this isn't co-ed like burke williams and you just go here and here this is all dudes and it's all gay dudes yeah and i am fresh meat up in that place and i go in and i'm like oh whatever you know what just gonna do i'm i'm uncomfortable in a place where i'm not looked at the way i'm being looked at and i'm like, oh, whatever. You know what? Just going to do. I'm uncomfortable in a place where I'm not looked at the way I'm being looked at. And I'm like, whatever. This is a good exercise. And, you know, being a man about this and whatever.

No biggie. I go out there. I swear to God, Greg Fitzsimmons, I walk up the steps to the fucking pool. And you're naked or you got the robe on? Oh, I'm robes on still at this point because you're not getting in that pool. Okay. You ain't wearing trunks over here. Yeah.

And this Adonis is just laying on the side chatting up this dude. And his dick, it's dipping in the water. Really? Off the side. It's dipping in the water. And I'm like, this, I ain't swimming. This is always that one guy. Yeah.

It's massive. Wow. It's a hose. And I'm like, and it's like, how do you not look at that? I'm like, God, God. So I'm like, nah. So then I go to get a massage. They say you're going to, some masseuse is going to come get you.

I'm still expecting a lady to come get me. But a guy comes. This old dude comes and gets me. Is he Korean? Yeah. Everybody's Korean. Yeah. Except for the men in there.

And I realized this. Is he Korean? Yeah. Everybody's Korean. Yeah. Except for the men in there. And I realized they're not fucking here but they're definitely making an appointment to go fuck later. They're all talking to each other. You know what I'm saying?

Like we're not gonna fuck in here because we like them but this is their This is the showroom. This is the bar to go meet or whatever. This is what these guys like.

So the guy comes and gets me and he takes me to an open room. If Pauly Shore goes to these places it's an open room. It's probably 10 tables long. Who knows? There's one other guy in there. It might have been Pauly Shore. He's about eight tables down. This dude puts me on a table, face down. And at first I'm like, what if I've never got – I've only gotten an erection one time from a massage. And it was an old Asian lady.

Yeah. And she didn't even touch me. She did this thing with the bed sheet. She kept pulling it tight across my dick like this. Really? She knew what she was doing. She was popping it like this. And it just kept pressing down on my dick.

And my dick started fighting back. You know what I mean? Never even sexually touched me or anything. And I was like, that's some old seeker right there. Yeah, yeah. A little belt strap on that bitch. And I'm like, what? You know, I'm starting to think, like, what if I get hard from this massage from this dude?

So I put my face down in the table, and this dude steps underneath with his flip-flops, and I see his toenails, and my dick's like, we're good. We're good to go, bro. I'm going to take a nap down here, I promise. And you got that image whenever you need it. Yellow. You pull it up again. Oh, man.

And then they just start aggressively scrubbing your body, just loofing your body and exfoliating. And then they just take a five-gallon bucket from home Depot and splash all the exfoliated skin off you onto this floor. They're not hosing this floor. They're not doing anything. This place is massive. So now he says,

get up and go shower. Why go to shower? It's like three showers right here. And on this side, it's rooms, not bigger than this on this side, three recliners lined up perfectly for someone to sit there and watch you oh there's no stalls it's just it's just the spigots in the wall yeah it's wide open go over there and you're showering naked now

you're naked because you're in the massage and there's guys in robes watching i was like i'm gonna get the fuck out of here so i go back and now I'm just like these fucking ladies at work, man. I knew I shouldn't have listened. I should have just gone to Burke Williams in the first place. So it's Mother's Day. And the reason I was like, this is the only time I'm going to get to go do this. So my daughter's with her mom. I go to do this on Mother's Day.

I drive to Burke Williams all the way from downtown to Santa Monica. Yeah. williams all the way from downtown to santa monica yeah and i ring the thing and they tell me that they're closed to men on mother's day it's women only and i said y'all do that on father's day yeah they're like what i'm like well do you shut the salon down for anyone but men they go no i was like that is up yeah and it was another three months before I could go get a massage. It was so dissatisfied. It was nothing. It made me more anxious. You've been to those salons? Spas, I should say? That was a salon. That is what that was. I went to a place. There's a place in Portland, Oregon called the Elliott House. I'm already a big nope on the house in there.

It's a house. It's a big old Victorian house. And I was told by my friend, no, I go in, I think my friend told me it's a good place to get a massage. And so I go in and I get this great massage. It's like a hippy dippy, a lot of beads, a lot of incense and very sweet. Everybody's nice. And then I come out and I'm paying and the lady goes, "'Oh, we should let you know we also have a spa. "'If you wanna go in there, it's just an extra 10 bucks "'and we've got steam and sauna, world pool, a whole thing.'" And I said, that sounds good.

She goes, I should let you know it's clothing optional. And I was like, well, what option do people generally go with? And she's like, it's nude, it's nude. So I stopped for a second and I'm like, I got a lot of body image issue. I was a really skinny kid. I was the palest kid in town.

Freckles, fucking just red, orange pubic hair. Did you? Skinny ass legs, yeah, orange pubic hair did you skinny ass legs yeah orange pubic hair and uh you know and i and i'm at now are you a redhead i was a redhead you were yeah okay now i get little tits me too you know and i'm just thinking to myself all right this might be an opportunity to overcome these body issues that i still because I'm not that skinny anymore. That's what I'm saying. I'm trying to do this. My body's actually just right now. Filled out, bro.

150 pounds, 5'8", on the fucking right. Yeah, hell yeah. Wherever you got there, bro. It's not how you start. It's how you finish, Greg Fitzsimmons. Leave a pretty corpse. And so I go, yeah, I'm gonna do it. So they give me a robe

and they go down to the locker room. I don't know what the robe is for, but I go down there, I put the robe on. And then as I'm standing there, two naked women walk by and I start seeing a lot of naked people in the background. And this is Portland naked. These are women, they're good looking bodies,

but muffs like 70s style. There's no shaving in Portland. They're growing it out. They're putting Rogaine on their crotches. Rogaine. It's running down the legs. And so I was like, so I just took it off

and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna be free. I'm gonna be free. And so I put the robe in the locker and I walk in and I, within 30 seconds, I felt the air on my whole naked body and I kind of owned it and I felt really empowered by it. And then I went into the steam room and so I'm sitting in the steam room and it's steamy, but at the same time you can see, you can still see people, but not that well. Like I'm sitting in the steam room and it's steamy but at the same time you can see you can still see people

but not that well like I'm looking like and I don't want to stare because I'm the oldest guy by two decades easily and so I'm already the creepy guy in the corner

like and so I don't want to stare at anybody so I'm just like peering out of the corner of my eye and I see something in the corner and you know

could be a tit could be a guy's shoulder I'm not really sure but I'm looking at it. Yeah, yeah. And then this guy walks in, and he's the guy from your place. He's got on a man bun, shoulders back, and he is swinging a steak, big. A steak.

Back and forth, flopping back and forth. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, like, and he just, and he sits down and yeah, man spreads and then this girl gets up. Thugs on the wood. And then, the balls.

And so then this girl gets up and she starts doing yoga poses. Totally naked, doing yoga poses. I'm just sitting there going, this is the greatest

fucking decision I ever made in my life. This is amazing. And so then I was like, it was January, and there was like a light rain going on. So it was cold and rainy, and I wanted to go in the hot tub, but the hot tub was in the backyard, which was like, you know. Outside, like uncovered. Outside, like a good 10, 15 yards out.

And so I'm thinking to myself, all right, I'm naked. My girth is good. First of all, you should know, I have a good-sized penis. I have a big penis. Great. Good for you. Usually the skinny guys do have the big dicks. Is that right?

That's what I always feel like. I, it's, it's a good. I always hear the girls say the tall skinny guys. I know you're not tall, but usually the lanky dudes got the big dick. Well, I had sex with a few. My stepson's probably got a hammer as well. Who? I said my stepson.

He's 6'5". Oh, right. Skinny as shit. He's probably got a hammer. I think Pete Davidson is known for having a big one. That's what I'm saying, guys. Michael Phelps probably has got a hammer on him. Guys that are tall, lanky.

Ari Shaffir. I don't know. He pulled it out on camera that one time. It didn't look. No don't know. He pulled it out on camera that one time. It didn't look, no offense. Oh, he pulled it out on my podcast. I wouldn't have pulled that out. Yeah. He pulled it out on your podcast.

He did. Well, we were Zooming from New York, and we did the entire podcast, hour and 15 minutes. And then he goes, all right, man, thanks a lot for having me on. He stands up, and he has no pants or underwear on. The whole time. The entire time. That's great.

So I go, all right, so my girth is good. And I'm like, all right, but I got to get to that hot tub. And that means walk in about 15 paces in freezing rain. And that may not be good. And there's a bunch of people in there. And so I was like, you know, I'll be fine. Two steps in, and it just disappears. Like the cold rain hits it, and it was like all the flesh

just went right back into my body. Like there was no shaft. It was just like- Just sitting on your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a bald guy with hairy shoulders, just sitting there your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a bald guy with hairy shoulders, just sitting there, angry. And so I run to the hot tub,

and then I realize the hot tub is like an in-ground hot tub. So now as I'm getting in, everybody's eye level is with my acorn dick. Running right at them. Yeah, so I jump in the water. How many people were in there? It was like six or seven women. Oh, no, dude.

It's not just you running to get in. So I get in, and I got that hot stream is hitting my lower back, and I kind of turn to the side, and I start getting a little hot stream going on my balls, flesh out again. But I was like, I'm not getting out of this fucking hot tub until everybody leaves. So I'm hard. No, I waited until everybody left.

Oh, and while I was in there, the guy with the man bun comes in. Oh, that son of a bitch. He walks through the cold. I think it made it bigger. He got a splash. Water is flying off the sides. That son of a bitch. I'm telling you, I saw that thing too, dude.

It was just swaying like an elephant trunk by itself. Just like, what? No, this is how I am. Like, Jesus fucking Christ, dude. How do you hang? I'm all right. You know what I mean? I don't usually, I don't have to talk about it.

I like my dick. I like it. I've had no complaints about it. My friend's got a micropenis. I definitely don't have a micropenis. Paul Lyons, he wrote an article about it. I've had no complaints about it. Yeah. You know? My friend's got a micropenis. I don't have a, I definitely don't have a micropenis. Paul Lyons, he wrote an article about it. I'm not outing him because he wrote an article about it in Playgirl magazine, which was very funny. He's a really smart, funny guy.

And he loves being nude. He goes to like, my friend was with him in Martha's Vineyard. And Martha's Vineyard has beaches that are nude and then family beaches. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know they had nude beaches. Yeah. So he goes out to the nude beach

and he immediately takes off all his clothes and he's just walking around. And my friend's like, I couldn't believe it. Like there's no dick. It's like literally no dick. Yeah, let's describe micro here. Are we talking about like an inch? Well, it's like what we said.

No, it's like just crown. It's like crown on balls. Yeah. And that's hard? an inch? Well, it's like what we said. No, it's like just crown. It's like crown on balls. Yeah. And that's hard? I don't know what it's like hard. What if it goes nine inches? What if he's like, I'm a grower, man? Like a telescope.

Like those compact telescopes. Holy shit. So then they go back to the family beach, and Tom's like, put your clothes on. He's like, no, I'm not going to be told what to do. And he's like walking past little kids with the micro dick. See, that's another one you'd have to look at. Yes.

You got to look at that. You can even talk to the guy about that because he's putting it out there for discussion. Yeah, right. You're not hiding that at all. Right. Yeah, no, thank God. No, I like my dick. i have a nice dick we're friends i mean you have to have a good relationship with your dick you really do yes you're beating the

thing yeah you know what i mean like still i don't care no one touches me the way i touch me right you know what i mean i can knock one out in a minute if i have to no like if i have to if i get fired up and i'm like i gotta get this get this out of here, it'll be no problem. Self-minut, no problem. Is that with video? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What's your category? Listen, that's the other thing. I don't really. You don't discriminate? No. I'll go through the feed first, see what's there. Feed. F-E-D.

Feed. I start at the bottom. I work up. I work up you know you're done when it's a hair clip dude thank you for coming on this has been a fun episode

oh I can't believe it's over it's over bro can I come on a Patreon? would you really want to? I'll do anything you want dude if you want to sit next to me and listen to these stories you can come whenever you want

I'm signing up for the Patreon it's so unbelievable everybody should these people i'm telling you again wait please plug and promote everything again please uh fitz dog radio which uh you know you have different guests every week i just had paulie shore on uh last night hell yeah he was great such a good interview um i just had Zach Galifianakis on recently. Okay. That was for the 1,000th episode. That was a big one.

And yeah, a lot of great guests. Judd Apatow was just on. And so tune into that. And then Sunday Papers, which I do with Mike Gibbons. Tour dates coming up. Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Uncle Vinny's. And then look for dates in the fall.

And I got a new special I shot at the comedy store in the original room. Is it out? No, we're editing it right now. I just gave them the final edit notes. So I don't know. I guess it's got to get color corrected. And so maybe in like a month or two, it'll come out.

All right. Yeah. That's great. Come back and promote it, please. All right. Thanks, man. Hell yeah. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media,

ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.