The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Greg Fitzsimmons - HoneyGreg

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

My Honeydew this week is comedian Greg Fitzsimmons! Check out Greg’s newest special, You Know Me, available on his YouTube channel today. Greg returns to Highlight the Lowlights of his time living in a gambling community, a massage gone wrong, and stories from his early days in comedy. He shares a story about helping his wife with breastfeeding and how she gifted him a massage coupon that led to a police raid. Greg even tells us how he and Joe Rogan were kicked out of an aquarium back in the day! Check out Greg’s new special here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvUqkWh_x4U&ab_channel=GregFitzsimmons SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Austin, TX - Sep. 13th Dallas, TX - Sep. 14th La Jolla, CA - Sep. 20th & 21st Salt Lake City, UT - Sep. 27th Denver, CO - Sep. 28th Chicago, IL - Oct. 11th & 12th Detroit, MI - Nov. 8th Minneapolis, MN - Nov. 9th Madison, WI - Nov. 15th & 16th Portland, OR - Nov. 23rd Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Dec. 6th Tampa, FL - Dec. 7th Tempe, AZ - Dec. 20th and 21st Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Draft Kings Pick 6 -Download the new DraftKings Pick Six App NOW and use code HONEYDEW Liquid I.V. -Get 20% off your order when you shop better hydration at https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW

Hey, everybody, want to let you know I'm headed back on tour Friday, September 13th. I'll be in Austin, Texas, at the Vulcan one night only. Saturday, September 14th. I'm at the Granada Theater in Dallas, Texas, one night only. I'm back at the La Jolla Comedy Store Friday, September 20th and Saturday, September 21st. Salt Lake City, September 27th at the State Room and Denver, Colorado, Saturday, September 28th at the stateroom and

Denver Colorado Saturday September 28th at the Oriental Theatre Get your tickets for those shows and all shows on my website now at Ryan sickler.com The honeydew with Ryan sickler Welcome back to the howdy do y'all. We're over here doing it in the night pan studios. I am Ryan Sickler, Ryan sickler dot com, Ryan sickler on all your social media. And I'm starting this episode like I start them all by seriously saying thank you for your support. Thank you for supporting this channel. Thank you for supporting this

channel. Thank you for supporting anything I do. I genuinely appreciate it. Y'all changed my life. I love it. I feel like I'm cheating coming in here and just listening to people talk about their lowest times in life and laughing in their face. So thank you for that. Hey, Austin in Dallas this weekend, I'll be at the Vulcan in Austin Friday night, Friday night, September 13th and Saturday. I'll be at the Granada theater in Dallas one night only both the 14th in Dallas. You got to go see our guests today's way back. Losses Virginia on the hood of a Camaro y'all hood scoop hood scoop. Wasn't easy.

It's still one of my favorite stories. And yeah, go get your tickets to come see me. If I'm in your town and you're around, they're all out there on Ryan sickler.com. All right. Oh wait. And the Patriot, the Patriot, the Patriot. Listen, we just had a girl who came on. Her cousin was part of this murder case back in Arkansas in the 80s

called The Boys on the Tracks. Apparently, these poor kids saw something they weren't supposed to see, and they were wiped out. And after the FBI, CIA, police and everyone clean up the crime scene at the railroad tracks days after a family member goes back to the crime scene and finds one of the kids foot in the

shoe after all of these people clean the crime scene. So it's a wild show. It's five bucks a month. It's been that since I started one foot short. It ain't going anywhere.

That's it, guys. You know what we do here. We highlight the lowlights and always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have this guest back on the honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons. Welcome back to the honeydew, young man. It's unbelievable. I mean, you're the you're the the grounding force of the top storytelling podcast. What do you think it is that makes people. So forthcoming with you and what do you think it is

that makes you draw people out? What is that? And OK, first of all, thank you for the compliment. Yeah. Can I answer that after we promote your special? Yeah. Currently out right now, because we will forget and I would feel terrible. OK, great. But I will answer that. Give me some time to think about it. Go ahead. Promote. So the specialist call life on stage.

And I've been doing it 35 fucking years and I haven't done a special in about seven. I got stuck with the pandemic. I was gonna do one then. So I've got this material that I've been working on for seven years going out on the road 35 weeks a year. And this is a lot of people have specials out. Let's be honest.

How many of them do an hour on a regular basis? This is hard comedy. It's not a one-man show about how my parents are Persian and I'm bisexual. This is a- There goes mine now. Did it? Not bisexual, bisexual.

And no, whatever. I just, I'm proud of it. I feel really good. I feel like it's the best special I've ever done. It's out on YouTube and- You shot it at the mothership. Shot at the mothership, Joe Rogan's Club in Austin. It's getting a ton of views and, you know, and you shot it at the mothership? Shot the mothership, Joe Rogan's Club in Austin.

It's getting a ton of views and, you know, just checking out life on stage. No, did I say life on stage? You know me. Life on stage is my last special. You just promoted your last special twice. Okay, wait, what the hell? You know me, you know me, remember that? You know me. You know me.

Remember that. You know me. Yeah. All right. You know me. And it's where right now? It's on YouTube. And my channel is Greg Fitzsimmons on YouTube.

At Greg Fitz show on Twitter. Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram. Got a lot of clips of it up on Instagram. If you want to get a little taste, a little sample. And then of course, the podcast is fits dog radio and Sunday papers. Yeah. Yeah. Great. And congrats, by the way. Thanks, man. Also, it's I look

up to you, you know, you're a little older than me. And I'll mean that I mean that in a steamy way. Yeah, I want to keep fucking. I want to keep being doing specials and shit in the next seven, eight years. Yeah, I don't want to stop being doing specials and shit in the next seven, eight years. I don't want to stop. Now, it's still exciting. I mean, look, I love this. I genuinely love this because there's no travel involved.

Right. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. Yeah. But going back to your question, first of all, thank you for the compliment. That's very nice to hear. I don't know, man. Do you remember the first time we ever met? Actually met and talked. I do. Is it at the store?

Nope. I'm gonna jog your memory and see if you remember this. I mean, we certainly crossed. I mean, but talked. Right. So, it was San Francisco. I was featuring for J. Moore. I mean, but talked right. So it was San Francisco. I was featuring for Jay Moore. You I think we were at Cobbs and you were at Punchline. Right.

And we all connected after you might have been staying in the same hotel because I feel like they did that because it's all part of that live nation shit. And we came to your room. Oh, yes. We came to your room. Oh yes. We came to your room. Right. Just the three of us. And Jay's like sort of formally introducing me

and then he's telling you this story. And what happened was it turned into this crab feasting back in the day, but back in the day when you used to have to actually shoot a set, bring your camera, set it up. We used to joke that the hardest thing to do was get five minutes clean because something was always, the lights go out, so there's a heck of a,

something always happens. The bartender puts the blender on. Yeah, and we got, I do this show and I put it in the back and there was this black dude named Spike back in the day that did Moe Betterays and you know, the the like Mondays and Tuesdays at the improv and stuff that were the black shows on in the early part of the week. Yeah. And they would pack them out. I did them for that. Fucking right. Comedy is the last bastion of segregation.

Yeah. You get Monday night black people and they call it mo better Monday chocolate Sunday. Sometimes. Yes. The worst night by the way, the funniest people. Yes. Draw a crowd and it's sold out every fucking time. And then some of them. And then the Mexican show, Refried Friday, Midnight on a Friday, the worst spot. You know, Monday night is the February of Days of the Week. You're right.

100 percent. It's like no one wants to do any fucking thing. Right. But I always like doing all those shows just to diversify my audience. I wanted to know I could talk to Mexican people and find something to make them laugh and not just generic shit about working in a cubicle. No, like you all love that airbrush tailgate. You know what I mean? I want to find the only thing that works in there is when you get real and you talk about your experience

and my love of your vaccination scar and all that real and you talk about your experience. And my love of your vaccination scar and all that shit y'all got on your arm. Yeah, I talk about black guys shaving their heads and they look handsome. I shave mine. I look like I got leukemia. Open with that. Yeah, right. But also then when you get to your own material, you got to get to the core of what makes you funny. Because you can't mail it in. You gotta find out, you gotta remind yourself

why at the dinner table with your parents, you made them laugh. What was it that, when you were in high school hanging out at the gym and you may be, what was that? If you're not that, they're not buying it. No. Anyway, so spike so spike, I go up and I have a great five. I'm excited. I'm like finally and I'm submitting it back this day at Cobbs. This is it. This is this is what happened and we're telling you

this story. Okay, got it. Got it. So I knew the Booker at Lopez at the time when Lopez had a late night show he He was like, hey, send me a set like Bart Coleman. No, it wasn't Bart at the time. Adam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Spiegelman. Right. You know, Adam. Yeah. Great dude. And he's like, I just like to see what you're up to. And I think you could maybe do a set on this show. You can, you know, sure, diverse. So I get the five and I'm fucking stoked. I go home to watch it and fucking Spike had showed up and he's in the back against the wall. And, you know, like stereotypically, like big black dudes would love to wear that Bluetooth on their ear.

Uh huh. He's got that on his ear. Yeah. And he's talking to somebody the whole time. No, right next to my camera. Really? No. And he's not quiet at all. And he's like, I'm at the comedy club. Oh my god. I'm at the comedy club. And it just became this thing where we did Thompson Gordon. It's Tom's favorite story. We just like I'm at the comedy club. Bad. Like he was screaming like that. It's what it sounded like in the camp.

So you can't hear anything. Yeah. So I know Adam personally. And I'm like, I'm fucking I'm going to send this to him to show him. This is what it's like to try to get you five fucking minutes. Yeah. And I send it and he's like, hey, man, I can't hear anything over the big black dude screaming the thing. I was like, yeah, I know. That's why I'm sending it to you. So anyway, Jay, I tell Jay more of that story. I'm like, Yeah, just fucking sent this low. But he's like, you sent it in like that? I'm like, Yeah. And he tells you and you look at me and you go,

I think you're a fucking idiot. And I started laughing so fucking hard. I was like, Greg Fitzsimmons hates me. And now look at us. That's the first time I really fucking saw it. He told that story. He looked at me like, I think you're a fucking idiot. My best man, Mike Gibbons, if you've met my, he's my best friend. He does Sunday papers with me. Okay. We were best friends in college.

Oh, is that right? And then he became a writer, TV writer. He's a big show runner now. He created Tosh.0. He created Spades last show. He created Spades last show. He created Norm's last show. Oh wow. Yeah, and so anyway, we're still best friends.

We do this podcast together. So at my wedding, my best man, he gets up there and he goes, first words out of his mouth. Like all of you, I couldn't stand Greg when I first met him. I make the worst first impression. I'm just an obnoxious, cocky asshole. That's hilarious, that's what I meant. Yeah, that's exactly it.

And you were sitting down too, you weren't even in a position of power, you were looking up, you're like, you're a fucking idiot. Dude, can I tell you about that hotel? I was at the punchline one night. I'm gonna answer your question. I never answer the question. Oh no, finish it,

then I'm gonna tell my story. All right. I don't really know. I've had this vibe about me where people just come talk to me in my life. In my life. I remember I had a girlfriend, this is in the 90s, and we were at a mall together.

And I'll never forget, we're in a gap at the Glendale Galleria. And you can go in this way or this way to entrance for the big gap. Yeah. And we walk in and I just see this weird person they lock eyes with me as they're walking in and I tell her that guy's gonna come talk to me. She goes, How do you know I go he's gonna come talk to me and here he comes. And they just tell me their life story. They'll tell me shit. So and I

listen. I'm not your first impression. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh yeah, do you need help? I don't know. Well, some people have resting bitch face. You have these droopy dog eyes. I was gonna say my eyes seem warm and maybe welcoming.

And then you start to talk to me and you're like, oh, this guy's all kinds of fucked up too. I can relate to this person. You're not a bad looking guy, but you're not so handsome that it's intimidating at all. Like not even a little bit intimidating. Thank you. That's how I feel about myself.

You look like a guy who's been turned down. A lot bro. Yeah, you've been turned down. I've been kicked and stepped, turned away. We're not just turned down bro. I've been turned upside down. Ridicule. I'll say this for a 51 year old comedian who almost died last year.

I feel I fucking look pretty solid, man. Yeah, you look good. You look good. And my friend Carlotta, she's the voice of the two shows. She had a saying when she did it said, I'm glad I don't look like what I've been through. And I was like, oh, that's good. I know what I look like. If this looked like what I've been through, man.

Man. Yeah. So I think it's a warm, warm eyes and a warm heart. Yeah. And I do genuinely, I love this. I really. And you have this thing with your head. I'm not texting.

It's back into the side a little bit. It's going like, what do you got? Tell me. Tell me. I'm here, I'm listening. And then, of course, then you top it with that laugh and forget it. Now you're getting a second. I like to be I like to be a yeah, that's the thing people don't realize. And and I want you to be comfortable about because this shit,

the shit we talk about, it's not easy. Like, yeah, I do also take pride in the fact that we don't just sit here and shoot the shit on this show. There's a specific focus for, you know, why we're comedians. Right. I mean, we're also this show has made me appreciate comedians even more than I already did. And I was the biggest fan of all of us because no one can come on here and tell the shit that we tell and spin it into art and laughter

that's going to make someone else feel so good about their bullshit and they didn't even go through what the fuck you went through. Or if they have, they've never talked about it or thought of it like they were ashamed to talk about it. Now we're owning it. That's kind of. We're laughing at it. That's very brave. Some people are scared and we're out there fucking laughing in the face. I mean, we're crying too. Well, I would say. and it's funny because I've been on this show multiple times. Thank you for having me back.

And I got a little overwhelmed this morning because I was like, fuck, man, I can't remember what stories I told. So I went back and I mean, I must have been on this show five times and I listen to well, including the other show the way back. Yeah. So I went through and I fast forwarded, but I listened and I wrote down every story that I've told in the show and it's a lot of them. And half of them are stories that they happened and I was embarrassed to tell anybody. And then I went on stage and I just didn't sit down and write, didn't think of my angle, just walked on stage and went,

you know what, I went in the woods in Boston one night and I was gonna blow a guy. And then I just, they get shocked and then the fear of what I just said makes me make it funny because I gotta get out of it. You better, yeah, that's right. And then I record that and that becomes the bit, that becomes the rough version of the bit. I'm with you. Yeah. That's right. And then I record that and that becomes the bit. That becomes the rough version of the bit.

I'm with you. Yeah. All right. The hotel. Talks about the hotel. Yeah. So at the Punchline in San Francisco, which is my second favorite club in the country, and I say second because then if I go to Philly and they go, hey, I thought we were your favorite club. I go, I said second.

Yeah. I'm, I said second. Yeah. I'm gonna start using that. Yeah, so I'm there and I'm so comfortable in that room. And that room, if you've never been to San Francisco, go to the punchline. It is like, and so I'm so comfortable on stage. It's a Thursday night show. I fly in that day and I go on and I'm riffing,

I'm doing new stuff, I'm doing crowd work and I get the light, I'm just like crestfallen. I'm like, fuck man, I wanna keep going. So I said to the crowd, I go, my hotel's across the street. If anybody wants to come over, I'm gonna do a podcast and I'm gonna keep talking to you guys. You told the fucking crowd that? I had 22 people.

In your room? In a room, it was a little sweet. Yeah. I remember those. And the club owner came. Yeah. San Francisco's junior, King of the junior suite, the closet with a bed. Exactly. So Molly Schmidt came over and, uh, two hours. I did a podcast. I was interviewing everybody. I was talking and, uh, I put it out in two parts. And to this day, I get people coming up to me that come back to my shows in San Francisco. And

they're always like, it's like they have a golden star on they're like, I was there. I was in the room. That's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. All right. Let's hear some of these stories prepared for us that you haven't talked about yet. Yeah. I mean, do I get to pick one or do you have any? Pick one. You know, it's so funny. I am such a huge fan of Little Italy's. Oh, okay. You don't even know. Baltimore's got a great one. And I didn't know that. Yeah, they got a great one. Wow. And the food there. I just I'm an Italian American. Yeah. So I love the little Italy's. I like to go check out their shops and their food and stuff. And you got a little Italy on here. So let's start. Well, I got when I moved down in New

York, I had a comic friend that got me into this building. It's very hard to get into a building in, you know, Soho, Little Italy, because they're all rent controlled tenements. And the rent is nothing. Is that right? Yeah, because these old Italian families, they don't give up the apartment. They just sublet them.

And so they've had it since the 1940s. Oh shit. And the rent doesn't go up. And so I get into this place and it's a one bedroom and they got the studio next door and they illegally busted a door between the studio and the one bedroom. So it's a two bedroom and I move in there

and the landlords are Tony and Gladys Rago, R-A-G-O. And I come in and Gladys wears a house coat all day and slippers. And Tony's got like the silk shirt, the chains, but they're, you know, and they're in their seventies. They're deep in their seventies. And so I come into the apartment, it's furnished. Couch with the plastic on it.

The, you know, the Italian end tables with like little doilies on top, shag carpet. And so they go, it's also, I go, this is fucking amazing. This is great. My rent for the entire place was $600. Damn. So, and I got a roommate. And so I was like, all right, this is fantastic.

And they leave, I open up the table, there's a drawer in the table in the living room. And there are shell casings and an eavesdropping like a phone, eavesdrop like a recorder for a phone, just like random weird shit. And so downstairs, literally underneath the building is the Ravenite Social Club, which was John Gotti's social club. No. That's where they hung out. Oh, dude.

You're living above Gotti's hangout? Yes. So, 441 Mulberry Street. And so- We'll believe that. No, just kidding. Yeah, no, it's still there. And I mean, and it was old.

Like the floors were so slanted that like, I remember I dropped an orange one day and it rolled across the floor. It rolled down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the shower had a drain in the middle of it. It was like a square shower. And you would have halfway through the shower, you would have to kick water into the drain

cause it was collecting on the side. Tin roofs with mice. You could hear the mice going above your head at night while you were sleeping. I just watched a Gotti documentary because I'm fascinated by, he was the last, you know what I mean? Like Teflon Don, but he was the last of the guys

that was like, I don't know what you're talking about and I'm taking it to my grave. And the story about his son, you know about his son being hit by the neighbor and then the neighbor disappears. Yeah. And on Gotti's deathbed, they came to him and they said, just, could we just tell us, please? Well, just like to give the family some closure and wrap this thing up.

And he said, I don't know what you're talking about and took it to the other fucking side. And I'm watching them come in and out of the hangout you're talking about. And I remember thinking, for guys that that dressed so well and stuff, it was a crude kind of hangout. Oh, my god. It was a bit of a dumpy little like, yeah, yeah. And, and they they busted him because there was a lady that lived on the second floor. And I forget how they got to her. But that but the FBI got to her.

So what are they doing? Are they working with Gotti or your landlords? Or are they getting paid by- Well, Tony said to me, Tony pulls me aside and he goes, hey, if anybody ever bothers you, you tell me. Cause I know people. You know who I know.

I'm not saying who I know, but anybody bothers you, you let me. And it's so funny, because then he shuffles out at like one mile an hour. And nobody was ever robbed in that neighborhood. You know, there was a guy who robbed an apartment and he was disappeared. They found him and then they disappeared him. And so-

Good word. So I would go over to their son. I wouldn't say his, their son Anthony was in construction. Of course. In New Jersey. And so they bought Tony and Gladys. I remember they told me that he paid cash for a condo around the corner

because it was a six floor walk-up. Jesus. Six floors. So Tony and Gladys were not, they were done with the stairs. And so, and the best part about the stairs was everybody was Italian. These people had grown up as children in this building

and they were still living there. So you'd come up and the doors were always open. Cause first of all, it was a tenement, so it was hot. So they wanted the air coming through. But everyone knew. And second of all, they wanted to know who's coming through the building. So I would come up and there was a,

because Tony grew up in that building, there was a Tony they called Tony Girl, and she was a girl. And I would come up and Tony Girl would always give me a plate on the way up. She'd give me lasagna, whatever she was making that, because they were still, they would always overcook. And so every day I had food from different women

and I'd bring it back. So on the first of the month, I would go around the corner to Spring Street where Tony and Gladys' condo was. And I would come in and I would give Tony $500 cash, always cash. And they would make me espresso and they had cannolis. And then- Oh, they're making cannolis? Yeah. Making them.

Yep. And then Tony would go into the next room and I would slide Gladys the other 100. And she go, Tony, don't need to know about that. That's my bingo money. Because they had bingo at St. Patrick's, who told you 600 then her who she told me 600. But Tony's pretty sure it's fine five and she told you to do it like that that's fucking hilarious and so there was bingo night on Tuesday nights it was bingo nights at st patrick's which is where De Niro went to school that was that right yep and which were

they shot remember mean streets that was shot at st pat's. That's the wall they jump over when they're running from the cops. So Tuesday night was bingo at St. Patrick's and then St. Anthony's which is on Sullivan Street had bingo on Wednesday nights and these women would show up and it became like a hipster thing to do to go play bingo with the old Italian ladies, but they didn't fuck around. Like if you were talking loud, if you weren't paying attention, they laid into you. My grandma, I you weren't paying attention, they laid in my grandma. I used to go play bingo with her.

I loved it. No shit. Man, you'll laugh. I've told this, but you'll laugh at this. So my grandmother, so after my father dies, it's her son, you know. So she would come spend time with us and she didn't drive. And we're living in this just we have no parents at this point. We're just living in this little fucking apartment by a firehouse. And my grandma, we pick her up, we bring her out.

And they have bingo every Friday night. So we go and we're in, I'd say my brother, because I have a twin, my brother and I are probably like we're in 10th grade and my younger brother is in like 7th at this time. And Karate Kid has just come out and it's fucking big. Yeah. And it's important because my brother's got the Daniel Son action figure and you could press a lever on its back and it'll kick or chop. OK. You can see where this is going.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, we're my grandmoms here. She's got her little shawl on and shit. Everybody's dabbing and you got the old ladies over here, like 40 fucking cards. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had a wand, you know, and it would go, we get all the chips, you know, like this. Uh huh. So this one lady over here is playing and my brother's just sitting there and he's flicking his little karate kid.

I don't know. It must have slipped out his hand. It hits her fucking cards, bro. Yeah. Yeah. It fucks all her. And I mean, it's like 30 cards. Yeah. And we're deep in this game. She ain't fucked. Yeah, man. She and my grandmother is humiliated and pissed at all. Like, but my brother and I, my twin twin brother and I we don't give a fuck it's the funniest shit we've ever seen we're the only thing we're gonna get drunk before is laughing about it and my brothers were like ahhhhhh this old lady oh my god god damn her shit is everywhere dude

hey there you go son that crane kicked the shit out of us hilarious it made me laugh so hard. It was a thing though. We go play bingo with her. I loved it. Yeah, Italians love the bingo. But that's that that's the equivalent of Woody Allen in any hall when remember he's doing cocaine in Los Angeles

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But yeah, I live I lived in little Italy. I was there for like nine years. And I mean, I got to know that neighborhood everybody knew each other. There was a girl, Gina, a woman, Gina, and she used to walk her dog every day up and down Mulberry Street. People would stop her, they give her a dollar and they play the number. The number was, it was a mob thing. It's still a mob thing. And basically you pick three numbers out of a thousand and the last three numbers of the purse at aqueducts of the horse race the day before there

was this the purse how much was bet the last three numbers is the number. And so that pays off. So if you pick 369 and last three numbers 369, you get $1,000 or whatever, whatever the payoff is. That's that's interest. That's different than the way our guy did it. When I worked at UPS, shout out to UPS, Baltimore Hub, primary one, Joe Avenue. Also, they're closing that fucking hub, but they are reopening it. They're remodeling.

I'm glad you keep it. There was this guy, people keep sending me links to closing the hub. I've been going since the nineties, but I keep it alive. Yeah. There was a guy in there named Pat that had he worked for this. Well, he was given a job by the state. So this dude was an older dude, probably in his mid to late 70s, false teeth and shit. Hardcore white dude like yourself, little ball, little white wispy hair on the side glasses, arms rolled up and he was he served 18 years of a 20 year life sentence

because he came home and caught his best friend and wife fucking in their bed and he shot into shot him and I think both of them he shot both of them but he she I believe lived the guy died so he got one for that and this was he said this was before crime of passion or any of that stuff that you could argue these days. So he got a 20 year sentence and did 18 of it. And he had a big fucking prison tat. It was a big rat, a big one holding its dick with two hands. I swear to God, it was a little tiny cat here that said, here, kitty, kitty. That was his fucking...

But this dude was a legend. How does that go over with the first job interview out of prison? He's, but see, here's the thing. He doesn't work for you, PS. It was a hub, so it's massive. You got all the, you got the 18 wheelers coming in and the package cars and they had a break room that had like 30 vending machines and stuff. His

job given by the state was you sit in that cafeteria and you'd make sure everything is stocked. He would keep our lunches cold, right? But he was the guy that you would go do your football with. He was going to college. Yeah. But the way he ran numbers was they used the actual lottery on TV. Oh, OK. So instead of me giving my money to the government, I'm giving it to Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah, you get a better cut. Greg's paying me more if I hit that pick three or pick four.

Yeah, if it's a thousand to one, I think they paid out 800 or 900 because it was the VIG. You could do the three or the four with this guy. Yeah, the way he would do it. I don't know what time he'd get in there to start his day. He'd be like 12 to 10 or so. I get into like four at night and I'd work till three or four in the morning. That was my schedule.

And every night he'd leave around, I don't know, like I say, eight maybe. And everybody would be like, I'm going to head and go to the bathroom. And you had to go down through the cafeteria to go to the other side. And he would just all he did. He didn't say anything. It was just a napkin. Yeah, I had three numbers and four numbers.

And everybody knew what it was. They left it right the fuck there. And I'm telling you, Greg, like my bosses, I became a supervisor. They all played. Yeah, they all put the top UPS guys were playing running numbers. But I never heard it done like that. That's interesting. Yeah. And I when I caddied, I used to caddy at a golf course in White Plains, New York. And there was a guy named Bobby,

Bobby Oh, he was the caddy master. And all the caddies would be down in the yard. And then the members would come down and they'd send you out. And when the caddy master. And all the caddies would be down in the yard, and then the members would come down and they'd send you out. And when the fall started, you'd get to play golf until they played till like late November. And so football season, he would sell the betting sheets. And so if you were a caddy, and you bought, you know, one card, you get a shitload. You bought two, three, four, five cards, 10 cards. Then you get the big tippers. Then you get Tompkins.

I see. You get Lohan, the guys that are gonna throw you 50 bucks. Back then, 50 bucks was a lot. You just get $12 a bag. Used to go out there for four and a half hours. For 12 bucks. With two bags, so $24. On your shoulders, no carts.

On my fucking shoulders. The average round is seven miles. And this was an illy ass course. Is that right? Seven miles, I never knew that. I weighed 120 pounds. Boiling hot sun. $24 over, it's like six bucks an hour.

You're out there dragging bags around. And I used to, and the course was seven miles from my house. I used to get on my bike 630 in the morning in the summer hung over, ride my bike to the course, seven half, four and a half hour carrying at least seven miles home. Then I would go out, drink my face off, do blow, get there the next morning, do it again. Put your body through 21 miles too. Isn't it crazy what we used

to be able to do? I didn't even think about it. Tell me, give me... So Bobby, so he'd sell the betting ticket and then the members would come down and they would buy tickets. And if they bought a lot of tickets, they got Killer Kalakki, who was the best caddy.

He was a Marine. Well, he tried to be a Marine, but he was too psycho. So they wouldn't let him in, but everybody, you'd see him out in the fairway, he'd have a putter. If a plane went by, he'd be in a tree. They'd hit the ball, he'd be like, where's Killer? He's in the fucking tree. Also, how fucked up do you have to be

not to be let into the goddamn Marines? He's too crazy for the Marines. Of all of them, the Marines, yeah. Right. And then if you only, the Marines, yeah. Right. And then if you only bought one ticket, you got me. You got the worst caddy in the yard. Tell me about breastfeeding. What's this?

Oh, okay, so my wife, my wife is a doula. She's a postnatal doula and a lactation consultant. So she helps women breastfeed. So I used to go to the pump station. Did you ever work there? You probably worked there, but she went there when she gave me a beer. Yeah, they say it's good for the I thought it was a joke. No, not even her. Like I went in and it was all these ladies, but I went with my daughter's mother because I

wanted to just learn about everything. Breastfeeding and all that and the ladies like, would you like a beer? And I go sure, you know, joking back. I thought she goes, yeah, they're in the back. I was like, wait, you have beer in the back? She goes, yeah, I go, I don't know. I kind of feel like a dick that I'm drinking alcohol and nobody else is in here. And I think, well, I realized later she wanted me to.

So I drank some sitting there and people were sort of looking at me. And she gave the whole thing like, you know, listen, you're not the first person to ever have a fucking baby. This shit's been going on for a gazillion years. Do women in Japan eat sushi? Yes. Do women in Europe have a glass of wine

while they're pregnant? Yes. And she's giving them realistic expectations because people think they gotta go to zero. Right, right, right. Yeah, well, they say stout. I don't know if it's an old wives tale, but they say stout when you're breastfeeding.

It actually helps the, helps the, I don't know if it's an old wives tale, but they say stout when you're breastfeeding. It actually helps them out. I don't know if that's true or not. But so when we had a baby, our first baby, actually both our kids, she breastfed for two years. Wow. Which is crazy, because first of all, she's got nice big tits. So when she'd pop them out, guys would linger.

Like I- Linger. They're circling and shit now. Pulling out dollar bills. And I'd see if the women, like, my family's Catholic, so like at Christmas she'd pop out a tit and clear the room, except for like my cousin, my cousin Danny, he'd kind of linger.

Killers in the tree over there. Yeah, yeah, right, right. So. Your cousin's lingering. Yeah, yeah. It, right. Your cousin's lingering. Yeah, yeah. It was before cell phones and there'd be a lot of photos of that shit. So her mom comes out, I think Owen was about three months old,

and her mom comes out and she goes, look, you guys, you've had a rough time, why don't you take off for a night? We get a hotel, we live in Venice, we got a hotel in Marina del Rey, two miles away. Because we said, we're not commuting, we're not wasting, we're not going to leave the room, we're going to go to the restaurant. We get to the hotel room, we check in and we just have nasty sex. And then we go take a walk on the beach, we go and get some dinner. And then we go back to bed can't even have sex again, because we're so tired, pass out. And we're like,

you know, tomorrow morning, we're gonna wake up, have sex again, we're gonna sleep late, we're gonna have brunch, we're gonna get a full night's sleep. Three hours later, I wake up to her crying. I'm like, Oh, Jesus, what if she missed a baby or, you know, can't have one night and she goes, she goes, it's my breasts, they're engorged. Oh yeah. She goes, I need to drain.

I go, where's the pump? She goes, I forgot to bring the breast pump. I go, well, Jesus Christ, you can't stuff it out. She's like, no, I go, she goes, it's killing me. I gotta go home. I go, we're not going home, we're's like, no, I go, she goes, it's killing me. I gotta go home. I go, we're not going home. We're gonna sleep late. We're gonna have sex again.

We're gonna have brunch with it. And she's like, you don't know, this really hurts. And I go, there's nothing else we can do. She's like, no, the milk's gotta come out. So I look at her. I think you know it's coming. Yeah, I hope. I go, I'll get it out.

And she goes, you're not breastfeeding me. I go, yeah, I am breastfeeding you. She says, it's not gonna work. It's hard to do. I go, I'm a 30 year old man. I'm thirsty right now. So she pops one out. I put it in my mouth and I start sucking on it.

Nothing's coming out. She's like, no, you gotta get underneath. You gotta get your tongue working on the bottom. She's moving her breast. She's adjusting my head, cause she's a lactationist. She knows how to do this. Yeah, she knows what to do.

And so she's doing it and it takes a minute. And then all of a sudden there's like a squirt. It was like a hot soy latte. It was sweet. The back end is sweet. And, hit the back of my throat. And then I go, I go, it's working and it's spilling down. And she goes, no, you gotta keep the suction. You gotta keep sucking.

You can't let, which means I can't spit it out. You have to keep the suction. You gotta swallow it. Cause once you break the seal, then. Then it's gone and you gotta start all over again, get in the right position. You're swallowing. So I'm swallowing it and I'm going and I'm swallowing it and I'm holding the bottom

and I'm squeezing it and I'm swallowing it. Is it working though? Is it helping her? It's working and I get to the second breast and I start working that one and then it starts to feel I'm getting kind of turned on. There's something very carnal about it. And so I start rubbing against her and I'm between her of turned on. There's something very carnal about it. And so I start rubbing against her and I'm between her legs and I start, we start grinding and we start having sex and we're having sex

while I'm sucking milk out of her breasts. And by the end of it, she's coming and I'm coming and I got milk dripping down my face and it was like the most carnal animal. It was just like, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! And you helped her. And you helped her. And I helped her. So we passed out, passed out, woke up in the morning, had sex, had brunch. Oh my God, dude. We come home and my son's waiting for it

and he's crying and he wants to breastfeed and I'm just looking at him like, you're a little late to the party. Sorry, brother. So. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, brother. So. And then the joke was on me because you're not, adults are not meant to drink that.

I had diarrhea for like two days I had diarrhea. Mother's milk. Mother's milk. God damn, that's great dude. That is fucking milk. Yeah, that's a great dude. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let's hear massage. What's massage?

You might have told this on the crab feast back in the day, but tell it. All right. I have a couple massage stories. I'll tell the one I think I didn't tell in that one. So it was my birthday and my wife got me a coupon to go get a massage. I'd never had a massage before in my life. And so it's a Thai place on Lincoln Boulevard in Venice. And I'm like, all right, I'm a little nervous,

but I'm like, all right, this'll be great. Full body massage. I walk in, little tiny, little Thai lady answers the door, you know, tiny. I've been to Fosayam where you think they're tiny and they fuck that lady killed me. Well, she walks down the hallway and she's walking in front of me. And she's got on little little slippers and, and she's you know, ding, ding, ding, ding, that wasn't the music, but

that's what I heard in my head. And so she she goes in the room. And she goes, you know, you take off your clothes and get under towel, and she leaves. And so I take off my clothes, I lay face down, and then a couple minutes later, the door opens and she starts rubbing on my feet. My feet are ticklish, so I'm kind of squirmy. And then she gets to my calves.

And like you said, like the thumbs, she's digging into the calf, digging into the shin and like I'm having cramps, I'm laying there going like, who pays for that? Why would anybody do this? And so she keeps digging into the calf and I don't wanna say anything because I don't wanna feel like a pussy. She's four foot 11.

Our dumb ass ego, I'm doing the same thing. I'm sitting there, I'm laughing into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Oh, oh, oh, oh. My hands are great, I mean. No, it's like, yeah, it's right. Oh, oh, oh, oh! My hands are grinned at me. No, it's like, yeah, it's way too hard. And I'm laying there like, I gotta take it for the USA! And so she works her way up and she does the thigh

and then she gets to my butt cheek and she oils it up and she does some deep, she's going deep into the glute, hard circles, like deep, deep, where you start worrying about your hygiene. Like, did I take a dump today? You know, you start wondering about what's she going through right now? What's she seeing? And then-

What's she seeing? Because I didn't think about it. Like, I don't know that I shower, but you know. And so she, and then she gets to, you know, that little crease between your ass cheek and the thigh? No, no, under the ass. Yes. So she's hitting a pressure point in there with her finger. And then there was like a slight grazing of the balls.

Like just a line, I was like, all right. So she goes to the other leg, does the calf, does the thigh, does the ass cheek, gets in the crease. Second ball graze. Now you got my attention. So now she goes, okay, you flip over now. And so I flip over and I look up and it's not the little woman from before. It's a tall woman, red lipstick and what appears to be an Adam's apple. The old

bait and switch. So I was like, all right, whatever. So now she's rubbing my knees and then she's rubbing my thigh. And then she starts to rub toward the inside of my thigh. She goes a little higher and I start to feel a little pressure. I start to feel like I'm not in control of the situation. Like if this gentleman had reached under the towel

at that moment, I don't know that no is on the tip of my tongue. I don't. Well his hand's on the tip of your dick. And I'll never know what happened because at that moment, cops raided the place. She got raided. She runs into the alley.

You got a man massaging you. You fucking. I mean, if it was ever a moment and they run in and the guy, the cop comes in and he's like, he's like, how much did you pay her? And I'm like, I'm like, I didn't pay her. I go, I just, I came in, it's my birth, my wife gave me a coupon. Like I got a coupon.

My wife sent me to this. My wife sent me here. And so he goes, just get dressed, get out of here. So I put on my clothes as fast as I can. Like, what do you hear him yelling and coming in or what? No, we hear knocking on doors, doors swinging open, grunts, a lot of footsteps. How many cops? Three, three of them.

OK. And so I put on my clothes, I get out of there and I and I'm walking. I'm walking out. I'm just you know, I got oil on me. I'm filled with shame. I'm I'm pretty confused about a couple of things. And then I walk, I open the door and there's like three cruisers with their lights on and a little gathering of people waiting to see what scumbag comes slithering out of it.

And I'm just looking at him like squinting into the sunlight. I'm just like, I got a coupon. My way. So I go home and my wife's standing there and I tell her the whole story. I tell her every detail, everything I just told you. And she just looks at me, she goes, I thought it might be one of those plays.

I thought it might be. Well, guess what? It is. I love that they bait and switched it to it. Oh my God. That's dirty shit. Dude, I knew that those thumbs, those thumbs were not coming from that little girl.

Do you know what's funny? I never thought of that. If I ever get a massage again, I'm starting face up. Right? I'm starting face up, cause you don't see who comes in after they leave to let you get undressed and they come back. It could be anybody. That's right.

Man, all these years, I've never even thought of that. Have you ever gotten a guy massage? Yes. Yeah, I did. I mean, I had to go through PT and everything after all that bullshit. So I've had so many men I even picked. I purposely this time did pick a guy. Yeah, I just wanted somebody that could actually get me and knows my body. But yeah, there was one I used to work at. I'll tell you what changed my mind. This guy would come in, I used to work at a hotel here in the 90s called the Beverly Prescott that's Lowe's now at Pico and Beverly will out there. And we

had a masseuse come in and all the dudes loved her loved her. But one day she wasn't available. And the guy they said he was Nadia Comanechi. I think her name was like he was one of her trainers back in the day. And he knew the body, like he knew the body. Wasn't just... So every dude was like, nah, nah, nah, but we would get free massages.

So we could tell the customers at the front desk, hey, this guy, if you want this. And he massaged me, dude. That's the first man that ever massaged me and then changed my mind moving forward. I wouldn't do that at like a Burke Williams, but if you're a pro, I'd prefer it now. But yeah, so then I would tell all the guys,

I'm like, look, I know that lady's cute and all, but if your back's really fucked up, homeboy, and they will come down and be like, thank you so much for the, yeah, he was the shit. Yeah, and then it's like, it's amazing how my voice gets, after a good deep massage, my voice goes like two octaves lower. I am at peace.

Like if I had a ton of money, Bob Hope used to get a massage, he had a massage guy every day after lunch. Every day? From the same dude, he traveled with him had a massage guy every day after lunch. Every day? From the same dude, he traveled with him, got his massage every day. And I just think, if I had that kind of money, fuck yeah, maybe not every day,

but definitely twice a week. Easily. Yeah. And it's not just the needing of the muscles, but skin to skin contact is so good for your endorphins. It just releases, intimacy. Even as from a dude. Yeah. Good looking dude. Yeah. Yeah. Not overwhelmingly good looking. You know what I mean? Yeah. Alright, so I see here Rogan aquarium. And since you shot

your special with the mothership, let's hear a Rogan aquarium. So Rogan and I started together. We, uh, he always says we started the same week in Boston. Literally same open mics. We would, we would get to, I'd see him at Stitch's comedy club at three in the afternoon on a Monday and you, and you'd put your name on a list and then all the comics would hang out and what year was that?

This was 88. For all the people that want to know where it starts. Yeah. 88. 88, 89. And we'd sign up and then we would, we'd get some lunch. There was a softball game that the comics used to play at a park nearby. Three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, we'd all play.

So it was like all the big comics. It was Louis, it was Laura Ke the big comics, it was Louie, it was Laura Keitlinger, Sarah Silverman, Bobby Kelly and Bill Burr and all these guys. Mark, Jesse Mark Maron, yeah, he used to get into fights. And then we go back and we do the, and then me and him would get into a car together and we drive to fucking Maine to do five minutes for free.

Rhode Island the next night, five minutes for free. And we were so hungry for stage time. So we get this offer. So like, it was a friend of mine from college and he was working in the like marketing department of the Boston Aquarium, New England Aquarium. And they had some kind of a corporate function. It was the copywriters association

was having their awards ceremony and they were having it in the aquarium. I guess they had like a meeting room where they did the thing. But there was a cocktail hour before the ceremony started and they thought instead of having a standup comedy show, they said, we'll just hire a couple of comics. It's the craziest idea. And we'll just let them mingle with the guests and be funny. Just walk around among the tables. There was a thing called,

I think it was called a busker back in the Catskills when it was all those old comics, Milton Berle and Henny Youngman, like those guys used to, they used to walk around and just be funny at the resort. A table to table and- Table to table. On the property too? On the property all day, all night.

Oh, I didn't know that. Just walk around and be funny. There's the fucking court jester over there coming by. This is our juggling and shit. Yeah, which by the way, was the toughest comedy gig of all time, because if you bombed, you fucking died. And then you got to see him there

and you're on the resort and shit. I'm like, there's a fucking asshole over there. Well, it's like being a cruise comic too. You bombed, you're gonna be, you're gonna stay in your cabin for the rest of the trip. But it's not like you're a magician where you can just bust out a card trick walking around the property and then move on.

Right, you got a guitar, you can play a song, whatever. This is you. They're rejecting you outright. And so me and Joe Rogan get hired to mingle with the guests and make them laugh. And we're not the right comics for this. We're both, we are hell bent on being Kinnison and Bill Hicks, those were our guys. It was like a no bullshit,

anti-corporate, anti-establishment state of mind. And so we're walking around and we're like, just walking over and picking up like a shrimp off a guy's plate. And the guy's going like, hey, what the fuck, man? And you're like, yeah, no, it's good shrimp. And then we, so we basically annoyed people

for like an hour. We're just, we pissed off everybody in the place. Rogan's got on a black leather jacket, you know, a guinea TV neck underneath and jeans and black sneakers. And we're just annoying people. And then eventually Rogan finds the microphone for the aquarium. And he turns it on and he goes, Will the owner of a seven year old and a blue tank top

please come to the office? He's floating in the shark tank right now. And he starts making announcements like that. And the fucking management came over and we got tossed. Tossed and threw you out. No check, no payment, sir. He basically he was dating my roommate, this woman, Jennifer, who was the coolest chick ever. She was a waitress at Stitches Comedy Club. And she had shoes from Staten Island. And she had Staten Island

hair. It was big. I mean, we're talking 1990. Big hair. And she she had she had four cans on the sink. She had four cans of hairspray. Two were like for the foundation, for the bottom. And she wanted to go double fisted. And then the top, and then she would top it off with the other two. It's a bunch of potato chip clips in there.

And anyway, so he's dating her. So he would sleep over like every night. And so they're out one night and I'm home. And this sounds like the craziest story, this is a true story. Blockbuster video was in, we lived in Coolidge Corner in Brookline. So I went down and I rented Batman.

Come back to the apartment, hang it out, pop in Batman, I'm sitting on the couch, lights are out, getting into it, and about halfway through the movie, a fucking bat is flying around the apartment. We had bats in the neighborhood, window was open, bat came in, it's flying around the apartment while you're watching Batman, a bat flies in. And so I have a thing about,

I mean, most people have a thing about bats, but I'm really freaked out. You have rabies. And so I put on a baseball cap back because I still have hair and I think he's gonna get my hair. I got a baseball cap on backwards, sunglasses, and I got a tennis racket.

And I'm not chasing it, I'm hiding in the corner. And I'm thinking if he comes close enough, I'll get him. You're just going to fancy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right. So this goes on for like a half an hour. I'm terrified. The thing is, shadows go. And then, and after a while the door opened.

I hear the keys, the door opens and Joe walks in. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? I go, dude, there's a bat. There's a bat in the apartment. He grabs a tennis racket out of my hand. He walks down the hallway and I go, dude, there's a bat. There's a bat in the apartment. He grabs a tennis racket out of my hand, he walks down the hallway, and I see him, and he just fucking like, Agassi, Andre Agassi, swats the thing out of the air and kills it,

opens the window and throws the bat out. 10 seconds. I felt like a little girl. I got my sunglasses on. Crouched in the corner. Shit. Oh, that's too good, dude. Dude.

That's too good. Wait, give me another one here. Let's see, what else we got up there? Porn awards. Oh. Yeah, you used to do, did you host AVN? Porn, yeah, I did porn. Yeah.

Yeah, I hosted the AVN Awards twice. Twice, okay. It was a tough gig to get because, you know, like Bill Hicks did it, Kinnison did it, like, you know, Richard Jenney did it, like all these comics that I idolized over the years had done the porn awards. And so I really want, you know,

and obviously just what a thing to do in your career. So if somebody put me in touch with the guy that ran it and is run by AVN is a, is, was a magazine. It was like an industry newsletter and they produced the award show. And so they came out to see me at the improv and I worked for like a month writing porn jokes and they came out and

saw me and I crushed and the guy goes all right you're in he goes but I got to tell you something there's going to be 4 000 people there they all consider themselves porn stars if you don't get their attention in the first 30 seconds they're all doing coke they're all flashing their tits for the cameras that are in the audience. He goes, you will not they will not hear you, they will break into conversation and it's over. So so I go out there and of course, like most of my gigs, I can't beg my friends to get out to my gigs, my agents never come and see me. Now all of a sudden,

everybody wants me on the guest list. So many people, I rented a house in Vegas for my agents. All of my agents wanted to be there. And I was like, fuck it, you know, this is great. So I rent a house and then all my college buddies come out and I go up and my first joke was, I said, it's great to be here. I said, you can already see all the porn stars here in Vegas.

I was at the gas station and I saw Ron Jeremy filling his car. And I knew it was him because halfway through filling it, he pulled it out and he sprayed it all over the car. Yeah. And then I start making, there was Christians that were picketing. I did a bunch of jokes of it.

So they loved it. Cause they were all about freedom of did a bunch of jokes a bit, so they loved it, because they were all about freedom of speech. That was like, that's how they all saw it. This was Oscar night for them. This is not, they don't see themselves as trash. This is like, they're proud of what they do. They hate this freedom of speech being clamped. So I do it and all my buddies are there and we got,

well, the first time I did it, they all came out and usually they have like, the table center is like flowers and then at the end of the night, somebody gets to take the flowers home. They had dildos and pocket rockets, you know, those fake vaginas, pocket rockets, right? Is that what they're called? Pocket pussies.

Pocket pussies, I guess, yeah. And so, so everybody, everybody takes the pocket pussies and we go to a strip club and I'm, I'm the VIP cause I hosted the show. So I got a limo for the night and every strip club we go to we're like ushered through the crowd right in VIP tables. All the porn stars are hanging out with us. And I hosted it with, with, oh God, she just died.

A porn star? Yeah, she just died. She was huge. She was the greatest. Anyway, so we go and we've all got the fake pussies and we're laughing and we're using them like puppets and we're showing them to the strippers. Was it Tracy Lourdes?

No, no. I'll think of it. And then we go back to our hotels, four in the morning, go to sleep, wake up at noon, and then we're all calling each other. It's like, you know, with the pocket, we were like, did you fuck it? We're like, yeah, I fucked, did you fuck it?

And like, yeah, like that's the thing, if you have a pocket pussy, you're gonna fuck it. You gotta try it. You gotta try it. It's not gonna sit in your room. Yeah, for that special occasion. Yeah. No.

So I use it and then I'm like, now I have a quandary. Now I'm at a crossroads because it's like, all right, now I got this cummed in pocket pussy. I go, I'm not throwing in the trash because that's not fair to the ma. She's going to find this gross thing and have to deal with it. I said, I'm not bringing it home in my luggage. And so I slipped it into the pocket

of the bathrobe in the closet. And I just left it down like a time bomb. Just waiting for some douche bag from Cincinnati is there for a convention. He's feeling like the king. I'm the king. feeling like the king. I'm the king. I'm the king. I got the role.

That is disgusting. I would shit if I saw that in there. I'd be like, what? But then you know what? He'd fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a great episode, man. Thank you. This is a lot of fun.

Well, I keep having me back because anytime I just I love it. I love talking to you. And you know, you're a guy that even though you didn't like me when I when we first met this like you like me. No, what's the accent? I was like, yeah, Greg Fitzsimmons likes me. You gotta, I gotta tell you something. Of all the accents in the country,

the Baltimore one is the most grating. So it doesn't make a great first impression. I think Boston is, if I'm gonna be honest with you. Really? Baltimore is definitely white trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does not make the greatest impression. And I also, I joke all the time.

It's like, I feel like this accent is the first, um, what would you call it? Non-binary accent. Like when I hear somebody say, go get me some cigarettes and lottery tickets or up at the lotto tickets, it's that could definitely be a woman in Baltimore. Yeah. Yeah. Baltimore. Yeah. 70 years old has been smoking. But yeah, it's not a great accent, but Boston's the one that gets me.

That wicked hat and all that shit. Even more than Brooklyn or Queens or any of those. Yeah. Jersey's a hard one. Pittsburgh's rough. Yeah, with the Yens's and all that. That's wearing that pocket warder. Yeah, right. Philly, Baltimore, Pittsburgh. Philly's rough. Yeah, with the yinzes and all that. That's where in that pocket, Warder. Yeah, right.

Philly, Baltimore, Pittsburgh. Philly's brutal. It's the same, it's like causing a Baltimore. They're variations on them. Yeah, right, right, right. But then you get the Southern accent and it's like, it's either syrupy, sweet and charming, or it feels a little racist,

depending on who it's coming from. Bro, I've been working on this bit that if you're a man 25 or older and you still call your dad my daddy, you probably still say the n-word. If you don't, you definitely know someone who does. If you're a grown ass man still saying my dad, you're still dropping the N word. That's hilarious. Yeah. Dude, please plug your special again, all of it one more time.

All right, it's not called Life on Stage. It's called You Know Me and it's on YouTube and the website's fitsdog.com. You can link to it from there. And tour dates coming up at fitsdog.com. I think I got, I got Alaska, I don't know, a bunch of places. So check it out. And dude, thank you so much for having me on.

Please anytime, brother. You're always welcome here. Thanks, man. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media, Austin and Dallas this weekend, Friday at the Vulcan, Saturday at the Granada. Come out, see me, get your tickets for all shows on my website at RyanSickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. You