The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Harland Williams - Three Deaths

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Harland Williams (Dumb and Dumber, Halfbaked, Puppy Dog Pals) Harland Highlights the Lowlights of three significant deaths in his life. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Liquid I.V. -Get 25% off anything you order when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW at checkout Athletic Greens -Get a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase when you go to https://www.AthleticGreens.com/HONEYDEW  Babbel -Go to https://www.Babbel.com and use promo code HONEYDEW to get an additional 3 months FREE when you purchase a 3-month Babbel subscription

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If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. I am bringing the Night Pants Nation Tour to Boston. March 31st to April 2nd. And Minneapolis, April 28th through the 30th. Get your tickets for those shows and all shows at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew ryan sickler.com the honeydew with ryan sickler welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all

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honeydopodcastatgmail.com. And hopefully we can do an episode of the honeydew with y'all. All right. Nightpants Nation tour continues. I'll be in Boston March 31st through April 2nd, and Minneapolis, I will be there April 28th through the 30th. That's the biz. You know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have today's guest here. First time on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Honeydew, Harlan Williams. Clap it up, bro. Clap it up.

Oh, man. I think I just gave myself not a standing ovation, but like a sitting something. Just sitting something. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Well, it's great to have you here. Thank you. It's so good to see you for real.

I ran into you at the store the other night. Yeah. Well, it's great to have you here. Thank you. It's so good to see you for real. I ran into you at the store the other night. Yeah. You said, I just thought about you the other day about your podcast that we did.

And that was the Crab Feast, which was a great episode. Yeah. Go listen to Harlan's Crab Feast episode. And you said, we did it in your apartment. I said, yeah. And you said, you still doing it there? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't just say it feels like it, bro.

But I'm still doing it there. I love you. It was so funny because it was the the only podcast i've ever done where i was like in a big condo complex and i had to walk back through the yard and past a pool yeah i think there was a couple of corpses and it was just i felt like am i doing a podcast or a dinner party like i felt bad that i didn't bring cinnamon squares or something you know i was just i don't know it was interesting but we had a blast a royal blast that was a great one and a royal blast um well please before we get into this episode plug everything and anything

you would like really yeah absolutely well what i'm plugging now I'm wearing. I'm doing this thing now where I draw my own t-shirts. And this is one of the shirts I hand drew. And people love them. I call it wearable art. And so I started a website called harbling.com. Okay. Harbling.com. And all I sell are my hand-drawn t-shirts.

Is the fish lure hand-drawn by you? That's a special photograph shirt I did for you because-drawn t-shirts. Is the fish lure hand-drawn by you? No, that's a photo. That's a special photograph shirt I did for you because you love fishing. I do. But on hard bling, you know, I was selling these hand-drawn shirts from time to time and people were loving them. And so this is what I'm promoting are my hand-drawn shirts. And where can you get that?

Hardbling.com. If you go on there and there's all kinds of and where can you get that harbling.com if you go on there there's all kinds of different there you get the only one you get the original you make prints but you get the original piece of art you get to wear it so no more brand names just original art dude i fucking love it thank you i mean i love it because back in the day, I remember, I mean, I'm 48. So high school, this is 90, 91. Maybe even earlier, yeah. We all wanted a free James Brown t-shirt.

We made free James Brown t-shirts, a bunch of us. And we took the face. He had this crazy face that we found on the – it wasn't even the internet. We found it online or whatever. We tried to print it out and get it on the shirt. It just looked like shit. Now everything looks so good. That looks good thanks man yeah draw them with sharpie permanent markers so you can wash the shirts but uh wait that's drawn literally on to the shirt right now i drew this yeah this is this is not a print this isn't a print this

is the original no shit that's like a man it's like a wearable nft yeah basically and i realized you know we don't really talk about our scapulas that much we have two yeah there are two and when was the last time you had a good scapula conversation so i thought is there a good one and a bad one like is there yeah yeah so this is scapula guy and he's a scapula and i hope it puts people in touch with their scapulas and also puppy dog pals yeah yeah can we talk about it how many seasons now we're on our fifth we just started our fifth season of puppy dog pals i love it you're you're in my house all the time my daughter watches puppy dog pals and i try to tell her i'm like i know harlan i know the guy that does that she's like huh yeah we'll do a voice for later well we'll do we'll

shoot a video and i'll do bob's voice for her she'll love it yeah so speaking of puppy dog pals what an interesting segue i i asked you to uh to send us a little list of your low lights and you said there were three significant deaths and two of those were animals and one was a person so yeah yeah i'm gonna let you take the wheel here why don't we start can we start with the animals yeah yeah um you know you you have moments pivotal moments in your life that are intense and uh can be emotionally hard to deal with and experience. And, um, I don't know about other people, but, you know, a lot of times it's a pet that can really, um, resonate with you. And, and I had this little puppy that I had

bought, a little black Chihuahua with a, with a white crest on his chest and little, um, white patches on his feet. Looked like he was wearing a tuxedo or looks like maybe his mom was a, a penguin or something. It was weird. Cause he would, we'd go out for walks by the

lake and he'd dive and come up with a fish. No, but, but I did name him fisherman Bob. That was his name. Fisherman Bob. For real? Okay. And he was a little black chihuahua. And, you know, it's a weird comparison, but, you know, in life, people lose a kid.

I can only imagine what it's like to lose a kid, have a child abducted or have a child die. But I was up at the house one night and, you know, I just would leave the door open and my two dogs would run in and out and play. And how old are you at this time? I was, this was probably when I was about maybe 40. Okay. Is it here in California? Here in Cali.

Okay. And I live up in the hills. And you have two dogs. I had two dogs and one was a bigger dog, like a husky, and then the other one was a bigger dog, like a Husky. And then the other one was a fisherman, Bob, and they'd run in and out. I'd leave the door open while I watch TV.

And one night the big one runs back in and looking a bit freaked out. And the little guy didn't come in. Fisherman Bob didn't come running back in. And I was like, oh, that's weird. They're inseparable. And, uh, I go out in the yard and I don't see them, I'm calling them and I'm like something

immediately felt wrong. You know, your, your, your, your, your parent radar goes off. And, and then I looked at, uh, I looked at the white dog, the Husky, and there was a little splotch of blood on the front of her, her arm, her lower arm there. And, and uh shouldn't say arm dogs don't have arms do they yeah they did i'd be getting a massage from the bastards but

yeah i mean we do so much that you want to go for a walk give me a rub down sally wouldn't it be some shit if all long dogs could we just never asked oh yeah because they get those pads which should drill feel really nice and then they get the claws where they could do oh oh what a treat i'd be getting the newman's own salad dressing out every night and just say okay get to work buffy or whatever your name is um so yeah i noticed blood on on my other dog and i'm like what the hell's going on and so i started calling and calling and then slowly that sinking feeling that uh-oh and then in the background during all this something that i hadn't really noticed before but i'm hearing an owl i'm hearing an owl hooing every time it does the bigger dog's like freaking out and i'm like

what the hell is going on so then i get the flashlight out and i start searching the yard and now i'm yelling and now five minutes is turning into 10 minutes and then what time of night is this this is like probably around 10 30 at night and uh and uh and then it gets longer. Now I'm out walking the street wondering if he got away. And I come back and I realize something's happened. And then as I'm standing in the yard, I hear this hooing again. And the white dog flips out, starts like panicking. And I realized my little chihuahua, a freaking owl came down and took, took an owl. Man, I thought you were going to say coyote for sure.

I thought, I wish I could. A fucking owl took it? Well, a coyote would have been better because a coyote would have picked it up and shook it and killed it. Right. it and killed it right so the reason it's so traumatizing is is you know i have to i don't even want to talk about it but you picture an owl doesn't just kill something it slowly picks away at it and eats it alive you're not hearing that are you i'm i'm i'm seeing it in my head and i'm i'm you know here's here's this animal that's entrusted its life to you. You're its protector. And, you know, I don't have kids, so he was kind of my kid.

And knowing my little dog was just slowly stripped alive, it's just like horrific. Yeah, that's awful. And people often get mad at me because that night it was a bit chilly out and i'd wrapped them in bacon no i do no owls love owls love bacon no no i'm trying the only way i can get through it is to joke about it that's what this show is all about good that is what this show is all about but hold on let me just say this too in your defense yeah out here you know you're from toronto you say originally i'm from baltimore you learn a little bit i i was freaked out the first time i drove down cold water canyon early one morning and saw a coyote just trotting down

the hill i had yeah i'm not used to i'm like oh it looks like a it looked like a sick dog and i'm like oh shit that's a fucking coyote and then to see them in such you know real neighborhoods i've heard it before i've heard them get cats i've heard those and they're you just i shut the door like that is somebody's cat's gone you know so you do everything you can with fences with the this this, with the that. A fucking owl? I mean, that's an apex predator out in the sky. You ain't doing nothing about that. Right. And I never thought about that. Why would you? I never thought about death coming

from the clouds. Airborne. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like to a chihuahua, that's a pterodactyl. You know what I mean? That the chihuahua is this big and an owl is like its wingspan. You're in the land of the lost with a puppy. Listen, even if you were there, there's nothing you can do.

That owl is going to fucking go, man. And they're powerful, man. Those owls. I have two of them that live right by me, and I'm fascinated by it. I'm sitting there one night, and I can hear them. I see them up there. So I start playing. I figure out they're barn owls, and I start playing barn owl noises.

Oh, wow. And they'll start to fly back and forth, and I watch them. I watch them. And one night, I'm sitting there. I'm talking to Evelyn. She's on the balcony with me. We're having a smoke, and the fucking – I'm telling her. I'm like, I'm telling you, these fucking things, they come down, they fly.

It was as if it was script, and she goes, you mean this one right here? This motherfucker flew down right, like right here and went right over us. And I was like, holy shit. So I wanted to put something there to make it think there was something small there and see if we couldn't try to get that bitch. Did you adopt a chihuahua? No, I'm not going to kill a real one. I got that little puppy over there. What'd you put down there then

i found something on the um on the internet that was wasn't uh like an animal it was uh like a home so it would come and maybe nest there i was trying to fucking oh wow i was trying to make an owl nest on my balcony so you're gonna you're gonna the idea you're gonna welcome the thing that ate my dog into your yard okay i see yard i live in a apartment bro on my balcony yeah i see where this is going you let the murderer into your home listen if you can't beat them yeah you know what i'm saying you're one of those uh you're one of those people that uh kind of wants to help nurture them back to not being a killer yeah yeah i got you yeah you know put them back into society but that thing came so close it's like ever i mean i in my mind

she's like oh you mean this one right here like like she could have grabbed it by the foot like even this one right here like yeah that's amazing like it hurt i'm telling you they're fucking wild they're wild and they got those huge eyes like what did it weigh maybe seven pounds six pounds and i never made that connection you know i i never i never thought about a night predator from the sky you know like i thought if anything another cat or another dog could get it sure i didn't even to be honest at that point in time wasn't even aware of coyotes and bobcats yeah oh bobcats too yeah now since the uh abduction and the murder i've seen i'm sorry you called them i'm sorry um it's an owl murder bro and it's an owl massacre yeah you're right um i'm sorry uh who do you think you are

who does he think he by the way owls have you ever had sex with an owl because i'm just saying whenever you have sex you know people people's eyes usually go a little wider when you do the insertion and owls their eyes are already so big you can't tell oh you can't tell you can't tell if they're whoa you know they're they're all ready but anyways i'm getting off track yeah away yeah way. Yeah, way off track. All right, so let's go back to this. So you heard no noise, though? No nothing? No noise.

I was busy doing something at the time, and I feel guilty about that, too. I was. Do you think the husky tried to fight, or do you think it was scared to death? No, the husky is a hunting dog. It's actually called a jindo. It's a very rare breed in America, but it is a hunting dog it's actually called a jindo it's a it's a very rare breed in america but it was it's a korean dog there's an island off of korea called jindo and the king back in the day they they bred these dogs to be guard dogs and hunting dogs for royalty

and they look like um albino coy. They're white and they're very pointed. And they just live. This dog would sit in my window all day and just look for anything that came on the property, it attacked. So that's why I also know it wasn't a bobcat or a coyote because it would have been on it. So this had to have come out of nowhere. This had to have come out of nowhere. And, uh, but, but later on in, in as about a couple of years, maybe three years went by, I was clearing bushes and hedges and I found

Fisherman Bob's little toy that he played with. No. And it, I'm telling you, it just made me relive the whole. Did you break down? I sort of almost did, to be honest. It's like I feel guilty that that was my kid and I wasn't there. And like I said, just the way that he probably went, it's just like, so that's something that really lives with me that's tough.

Let me ask you this, Harlan Williams, because let's play it the other way around. Let's say you were there. Let's say you were standing right there and that owl flew down do you have an idea have you thought about what you would try to do kick shoe you're not shooing a motherfucking ass it's not a pigeon yeah that that right that but then i don't mean to interrupt you but i I want to finish this thought. But then you witness it go. There's a real image in your head. Instead of what you think happened, what would you rather live with? Not really knowing and putting it together or actually seeing that go down. I'd actually, it sounds morbid.

I wish I'd seen it just so I could know for sure. But either way way the outcome so i mean the one you're talking about i might as well you know sit at home and watch jeepers creepers that's what that sounds like you're losing either way you're losing yeah you're not beating an owl you're not beating an owl and by the way they fly silent yeah they don't they don't hear them coming they're still so it's not like a lot of birds where you can hear the flat. They're engineered to fly silent. So they just come in like ghosts and they're gone. But yeah, so finding that ball, it just never leaves you, man.

You feel like guilt. You have pictures around the house? I have pictures of fishermen, Bob, yeah. What's the husky's name? Captain Chili Dog. guilt you have pictures around the house i have pictures of fishermen bob yeah what's your the husky's name captain chili dog is it real though i can't make fun of you our dog's princess lily rose right so yeah that's the beautiful thing about dogs you don't eat if you try to tell my daughter like you don't if you give them a human name you come off as an idiot hey george is here no how about there's seven dish layer lasagna go throw the frisbee for lasagna she said the kids she's like maybe i shouldn't have named her that i go how many dogs do you think in this

world are named princess lily rose yeah anyway that's the beauty of you get to give them silly names so say again chili captain chili Captain Chili Dog and Fisherman Bob. All right. How did Captain Chili Dog change after Fisherman Bob was gone? Not much at all. No? No. She was a prima donna.

So Fisherman Bob was just a play thing for her. Got it. But she was very protective of Fisherman Bob when they were alive. very protective of fisherman bob when they were alive like one day a pack of dogs came towards uh fisherman bob and captain tilly just literally walked circles around her snapping at every dog like one let the man yeah so she loved him but when he was gone she was like okay where's my food you know what i mean yeah it's really sad the way they just move on.com,.org or whatever it is. Did you ever get another dog? I got a bulldog.

I got the big fat bulldog. That'd be tough for an owl to take a bulldog. Right? Even a blue heron couldn't lift that off, right? Isn't it crazy? Right? That the purchase of your next dog, you had to consider whether an owl could fuck. Had to consider an attack from the sky yeah yeah

and i thought nothing's lifting that thing up you know what i mean i mean this is the fattest damn thing i mean this is like a manatee with lips yeah it's just like horrible ain't no owl getting this any owl that tried to lift that one up is throwing out its kidney or something but but uh so this new one was the names was sailor i realized all my all my dogs have a nautical name theme you know so uh yeah so that was the demise of your big old fishing. Fishing. All right. Yeah. And what also I feel guilty about too is while they were out running around and Fisherman Bob was lifting off into the night sky. Oh, my God. Daddy was in the bedroom having a little love make up

oh man that's what you were doing and what makes it even harder it was doggy style I wish there was a drone that could see you doggy style and float outside.

Your dog's gone out. I'm so sorry an owl took your dog. Well, come on. I can't do doggy style anymore without crying. Crying. She goes, what are those drops on my buttocks i go those are salty fisherman bob tears ow keep riding honey yeah it's uh it was uh i feel a little guilty about that r.i.p never have i i considered not a dog mean, a cat made sense to me, but I've seen those videos online too

where like eagles try to take a kid and shit. You know what I mean? That one was staged. Oh, was it really? I saw that one where they're in a park and a bald eagle. Yeah, but it was so convincing. I actually saw the making of that. The making?

Yeah, because so many people were fooled by that video that somebody deciphered it and broke it down, but it was pretty convincing. Yeah, it was convincing. But it's probably not out of the realm of possibility. On Discovery, I've seen, who knows, maybe this is fake too, but eagles grab a fucking mountain lion or a smaller mountain goat. Or a fox. Yeah, fly them yeah they're apex predators man they're uh raptors man yeah i've never not you're the only person i've ever heard who lost a dog to an owl flying menace from space yeah i i did a movie once with an owl. You did? And I had to do a scene where an owl landed on my arm. It's called the Eurasian Eagle Owl, the biggest owls in the world. How much does this thing weigh in?

Well, that's what's miraculous about them. They only weigh about four pounds. Oh, really? They're huge because their bones are hollow. Oh, I didn't know that. Most birds are all air. So this big bird, it's like stood this tall it lands and you can barely feel it but it landed like this and the handler he said grab the back

talon and pull it and i said are you sure i don't want to hurt it he goes he goes it was sitting on my arm he goes pull it and i pulled it and i go yeah and he goes no pull it as hard as you can and i said he goes pull it i tried to move that thing you couldn't i couldn't budget and he said that's what happens when once these raptors get their claws into something it's a death lock you're done damn yeah so holy smokes now did you do the movie before or after it was after oh so that was tough that was what was harder finding the ball or working with a an owl it's tough it was tough working with that owl you were asking.

You asked about that shit. You're right, right. But the handler was, we had to stop rolling a few times because he was like, why are you punching my owl in the face? In the face. And I was just like, bam, bam. And it was perched on my thing, so it was swirling around. Never let go. Around me, so it was swirling around. Never let go.

Around me, and it wouldn't let go. And then I poked it in those big fucking round eyes, and I got a little payback. All right. Okay, hold on. Let me gather myself. God. That is a very unique way to lose an animal. It is.

It's tough. I know other people out there are going to be excited. There's definitely somebody out there that's going to probably share a story with you about that. I hope so. I mean, but an owl. I think an owl is going to get another animal. I think we could have like an owl pool, owl group therapy thing or something. Tell me about the second animal wow the second animal you know

the second animal was a mixture because it was devastating to me maybe even more than fisherman bob was it after this was before this was probably three years before and and i'm sorry did you have chili what was his name again uh captain chili dog no i didn't have any dogs at this point okay because i just moved into my first house in hollywood up in the hills i was leasing it and on the back of the house was all forested area and hills and all this again back to to, you know, animals and stuff. And I was in my house one day and I could hear this high pitched chirp, almost like, you know, when a, when a smoke alarms battery starts to go and it does a beep beep or whatever it is.

And I kept hearing this thing and it was coming from the yard and I go out in the yard and I'm zoning in and I look around and I find a little baby squirrel, like just as laying, it's fallen little baby squirrel like just it's laying it's falling out of the forest and it's laying on the terrace and i'm i'm like oh my gosh and i i look at it and i pick it up and and the thing's just chirping it's obvious his mother has abandoned it and it's falling out of the nest and i'm like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna raise how big is it it's probably like that big okay uh and and uh i'm thinking I'll nurse this little guy back to health

because I love animals, you know, so I was really excited sort of. And then I looked down at its back leg and there was a gash in it, probably about that big, like an open wound. I was like, oh, no. And then I'm looking at it and something's moving and I look inside the wound and it's just swarming with maggots. Oh no. There's probably 70, 80, 90 maggots inside.

And I realized, oh my God, this little guy's being eaten alive. And so now I go from being the savior to I have to mercy kill this thing, which I don't want to do. And I'm thinking, how do I do it? Do I just drop a brick on it? Do I splat it? Do like, how do I cook? Because I actually did that when I was younger. My sister had a pet mouse that got some really weird disease where it's its butt blew up

like a cauliflower and i couldn't walk like it was just like it's like leprosy meets sars you know it was like animals do not have good luck around you guys so i bought an owl no so so i was like this poor mouse like it couldn't move its back legs it was pulling them it's like the back half of its body was rotted basically and i thought i'll i'll go out and i'll just drop a cinder block on it and like i don't want to but i can't let it live like this so i did it and the cinder block kind of in the air it tilted. It tilted and it kind of half clonked the thing. So now

it can't walk. It's asshole looks like a cauliflower. And a cinder block just hit it enough not to kill it okay now it's dragging around and I'm just devastated

right it's like whatever some animals did they sent them to the Williams household it was like watching yeah it was like it was just a nightmare so i was like i'm not gonna drop of something on this baby squirrel in case i miss or half hit it so i thought what would be the most peaceful way to put it down and i had one of those big orange Home Depot buckets, you know, the utility buckets.

And I thought, I don't want to, but I'll drown it. I'll just like put it in the thing. I'll put the hose in and it'll be a soft, gentle. Soft, gentle exit. Soft, gentle murder. Yeah. God, I feel horrible now. Should we just go out and kill a dog or something?

So I put this thing down in the, in the bucket and I put the hose in and I turn it on. And I don't know if I'm an idiot, but i didn't know that baby squirrels floated so as i'm filling the bucket maggot boy's floating up he's not he's not drowning he's a soldier he's like it's like you're trying to drown a life preserver it ain't going down and and so as the thing's filling up i'm like oh no And so I kind of used the hose to push him under. And this little guy's grabbing the hose and climbing up the. He's with his little claw. And he's with his little claw and he's grappling up and he comes right up and he's like oh he's breathing with his buck teeth looking right at you know and i'm like god can i not kill a rodent?

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So now this guy's hanging on the hose at the top of a, the bucket's this deep, and now he's right at the top, right where I don't want him and so i kind of push him down as i'm pushing him down i'm seeing the bubbles coming up and i'm like this is devastating but it was quite the life lesson for me not for him and this fucking thing maggots no in its lower bodies it just keeps climbing it just keeps coming up jason vorhees it's like the jason vorhees of squirreldom i mean if he came up one more time with a goalie mask on i would have flipped out it won't go man it won't die i love it but i'm sitting here going i've never seen anything

in my life clinging wanting to live so bad and now i'm sitting here thinking do i pull it out now because i'm so like even though i know it's it's dying it's being eaten alive you can't once the maggots are in there what are you gonna do pull the you can't save it and i'm just like it was it was like devastating man because i had to this thing that wanted so does even it probably knew it was it was in pain and it was injured you know animals know that but it just kept coming up. And eventually I just had to like hold the little guy down. And it was. Did it work? How long did it take?

Well, finally I had to drop a cinder block. Wait for that. No, no. I finally. Was it scratching the shit out of you and clawing the shit out of you? No, it was on the hose. I was holding the hose and it was coming up to the top of. How dare you?

You were two handed under there finally. No, I wasn't. I wasn't holding it down. Die, bastard. Die, maggot freak. No, it was. It was. It was.

But. But. But. No, it was, but it made me think on a serious note, like just how precious life is. Like to see that, that little guy who was just start, it was probably only three, four weeks old, maybe five, I don't know, but it wanted to live so bad.

And I think about humans and I think about God bless people who become suicidal or become terminally ill or people who say, I don't want to live anymore. And just as it stuck with me, really, I still have a crystal clear vision of that thing struggling so hard to live. And it was horrible because I couldn't let it because the alternative was being eaten alive from like the lower part of its body. You could already see the flesh and turn brown and it was rotted. You could smell it. And I was just like, it doesn't know. And I'm telling you, man, it somehow instilled in me, despite how hard it was to do, it instilled in me how precious life is and how every day we've got to get out and just claw and embrace it. Because in a way, metaphorically, the world eats away at us from the inside on psychological levels and things like that. But, but there was something really profound

that, that stuck with me as horrible as it was to put them down. I hope I did the right thing and put them out of his misery. I think you did. Yeah. But, but, but in doing that, it, that little creature taught me a lesson about just the

sanctity of life and the, the power of being alive and to see something that obviously they don't think at the level humans do, but to see its desire to just want to live. And, you know, it's heartbreaking, but it was very powerful. And it, it's still, it's one of the few things in life that I think about that really tortures me, to be honest. I think animals teach you a lot about death. You know. My brother told me this story. This is an unfortunate one that you'll probably enjoy, but a neighbor dog of theirs got rabies and it ran and it buried itself under, it dug a hole and buried itself under the front

sidewalk of my brother's house. So it's going under the house to die oh but it's it's today it ain't gonna die yeah for a long time so they have to kill it right the neighbor comes over and they have to put a shotgun underneath the house and they shoot this damn dog to kill this dog and now they got to get the fucking thing out of there and they're fishing like trying to lasso a paw anything they can yeah it took them hours to do this because this dog decided i'm going under and i don't want to this is how i want to go you know but that's interesting because rabies is a disease that makes animals like aggressive it was aggressive but it went under the fucking house and wasn't letting

you get it like they couldn't pull it out but what wouldn't just want to come out and like attack them i don't know maybe it didn't have rabies after all maybe maybe you're on to something maybe it was just depressed maybe it just didn't like the way it was being raised like fuck these guys. I don't get walks. I don't get wet dog food. It could have been. That sidewalk's looking really nice.

I'm only reporting. I'm just telling you the story I know. Wow. Yeah. Any time you lose an animal, man. Have you ever hit an animal on the road? Oh, man. I'll tell you what.

I've hit two that really stuck with me. Oh, boy. I hit a cat one time. Whoa. I remember seeing in my rear view just back spinning on the road, and I was like, oh, man, I felt awful. But this other time, I hit a bird, and it flew right into the fucking grill, and I nailed it. Now, I'm leaving L.A. to go to Big Bear, and I drive straight shot, get up there about two hours, and I'm like, man, that fucking bird's probably all over the front of this fucking car. If not, it went in that grill, and it cooked all in there.

Oh, God. And I go around to the front of the car, and we get there, and there's nothing. I was like, oh, man. And I'm waiting to pop the hood to see this mutilated bird all over the engine. And Harlan Williams, I popped that motherfucking hood hood and that bird flew off flew off now look it was two hours away wherever the fuck it was but it had a new lease on life i just kept picturing that bird had to be hiding in that hot ass engine yeah two hours and stayed away from all the moving parts and everything that could have killed that fucking thing. That's the running of gauntlet. It miraculously flew in that through the grill.

It was a miracle. I can't believe it. How big was it? Was it a little like sparrow? Yeah, like a little sparrow. Oh, wow. Another time, my stepson over there, our cat, it fucking brought a bird in the house. Yeah.

And his mom kept saying, it's a bird. I was like, it's not a bird. I was like, oh, shit, it is a bird. So I, you know, cats want to bring you their their prize and like look what i brought you so i rolled it up in a little dish towel and i said to derrick i go you can come with me if you want there's i'm gonna be straight up with it because he was young at the time and i was like this thing's either dead and nothing's gonna happen or you're about to witness a miracle and he's like i'm gonna stay here i'm not going i said okay and i went out on the sidewalk and I rolled that fucking towel out, and that bird, I'll never forget it.

It got up. It shook itself off like a dog, you know what I mean? And then off into the night. Wow. So I've had a couple lucky ones. That's good. Yeah. I had one once where I laughed so hard I almost, like, went off the road.

And that sounds really mean, but sometimes life throws you things and you don't have any control. And this is a horrible story, but I couldn't control, you know, sometimes when you see an old lady trip or someone walk into a window or something like that, physical humor and you know, they're in pain, but you can't, it just triggers. I think humans are triggered by physical comedy or tragedy or whatever you want to call it. And I was driving once and I hit like a ground squirrel. I was driving a van, but I just clipped it. Like I didn't run over it, but it's like the side of my tire just kind of must have hit it in the head or something. And I looked in the rear view mirror and it was convulsing on the road. Like it was like, like spasming out, like all, like it was just like,

it was just like, it looked like an electric cable was loose. And just seeing that, I couldn't, I burst out laughing. I felt so guilty, but it was, it just looked physically so funny. Like it was just, it was looked like it was having a seizure and it was just flipping around and it just weird what about in toronto and because in maryland especially out in the county we had a ton of deer did you have any deer running tons of deer i never ran into a deer but my um lady i consider my mom just hit a fucking deer and she's lucky. That thing went, hit the windshield and then flew over the, the roof. And landed on the next car?

No, this one died. This one didn't make it. But a lot of times they will. They'll fuck your car up and they'll keep running. Yeah. There's a whole out in the Midwest there that the insurance industry runs on deer hits. I actually was researching it once and, and there's a huge amount of deaths every year from deer kills.

And there's something like $300 million worth of damage caused by deers every year. It's a huge thing. I once read somewhere in, uh, that, that there were more car accidents caused by deer in Pennsylvania than car hitting car. Probably. Yeah.

That's nuts. They're nuts, man. They're not smart. They just run out clueless. So we've shared two animal deaths now. This is an episode about three deaths. I think that's what we're going to call this episode. Three deaths.

Three deaths with Harlan Williams. Nice. Share the third death with us, please. Wow. The third one with us, please. Wow. The third one is a human death and we've all experienced death. We've all been to a funeral. We've all, but I don't know how many of your

viewers have watched somebody die. And that's, uh, that's a powerful thing. And few years back, probably, I guess about three, maybe four years ago, I watched a guy die. And. Someone you knew? It wasn't someone I knew. It was a very unusual circumstance.

I was at the Burning Man Festival. And at the, on the second last night of the Burning Man Festival, they have a giant, like a 70, 80 foot wooden man that they light on fire. That's, that's called the, the, the concept behind Burning Man is when the man goes on fire, it, it releases all your baggage and all your inner demons and they're supposed

to all go up with the smoke. And, um, it's a very ritualistic thing. You've got 70,000 people in the smoke and um it's a very ritualistic thing you've got 70 000 people in the desert and on the second last night they all form a giant circle around the man there's a it's quite a distance because they know there's gonna they're gonna light it on fire but i've seen the pictures of that thing it's massive it's massive but, the energy is unbelievable. And I don't know, you've probably seen like the original King Kong or even one of the remakes. There's the scene where Fay Wray or whoever the girl is in the movie is, is tied to the trees and

King Kong's about to come through the trees and all the, all the natives are playing the drums and waving the fire. And so at Burning Man, pre-lighting the man, they have all this fanfare. They have big rows of people with drums and they have people twirling fire torches and marching with torches. It's all orchestrated, of course, but it's very primal. It feels like some kind of, you know, ancient tribal ritual almost. And the rhythm of the, and it's, you're waiting for this giant, you know, they, they lift the arms, the man moves.

And so it's almost very King Kong-ish, you know, and you're kind of caught in this, this kind of euphoria of it. And, uh, and so they obviously make you sit back a certain amount because of the intense heat. When they light the man, the flames go up a hundred feet high, 80, 90, a hundred feet wide. It's a huge inferno. How close can you get and start to feel that? Let's just put it this way. We were sitting like back the length of probably three quarters of a football field.

And on that night, we almost had to stand up and move back. Wow. Because the heat was, it's so intense. Damn, okay. You know, you're in a flat desert and there's nothing around and there's no safety fences. They have a few, they have a few fire people

like in kind of like asbestos fire gear, like kind of standing closer, like just kind of like asbestos fire gear like kind of standing closer like just kind of setting up a perimeter and this is my third time at burning man and so i kind of oh bless um sorry to clear my throat no problem but i kind of you kind of know what you're getting and it's it's really a beautiful event actually and and um as the man started to burn um probably mid burn before it collapsed uh out of all these 70 000 people some guy sitting right by us just stood up and ran towards the burning man but now he's like right in front of us. He's sprinting like toward it? He's sprinting, but have you ever seen these guys at sporting events when they jump on the field?

Yeah. Some of them take their shirt and they run. They don't know where they're going, and they're jumping, and they're kind of getting the fans all pumped up. It's like a game. So this guy's now doing this with the people around the fire guys and they're

trying to, and they almost grab them. And he's, he's almost like prancing. It looked like it looked like almost like a fairy tale, like watching a sprite dancing in front of a flame. He looked like he was having so much fun and he was eluding them and the crowd was even cheering. They're like, yeah, every time he got away, this went on for about maybe a minute and a half. And then in the midst of his euphoria

and kind of the energy he whipped up, he just like turned towards the fire, ran and literally did this and dove in. No. Dove in, like right in front of us. And I instantly went, oh, he's dead, you know, because it just, just to breathe in that heat. Yeah.

It would incinerate your lungs. And so he'd go and the fire guys are like, the whole crowd just went silent. And, and one of the, a couple of these brave fire guys, they, they went in and at the very tip because they were wearing this stuff and they dragged him out and you just saw this smoldering body being dragged along the ground and then they got him far and just let him go and an ambulance came and so they call it burning men now

up burning men now now when his dog came to get i like how your comment already starts with my dog listen i have to be careful because i'm telling you we have an owl in the neighborhood my dog goes out at night and pees and poops i got i stand out there and make sure that how big's your dog you met her she's out there yeah that little tiny thing that i'll take her right off i know i stand out there with her my dog wasn't much much uh smaller than i'm out there yeah i don't let her go by oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's quick i know they can before i can even turn around and go on i know they just swoop all right sorry my joke about burning man um so you watch this guy dive in and do you can i i mean it does he just incinerate or do you hear screams do you hear nothing it was sort of silent and and it was funny because the crowd went from chanting for the guy to everyone just went silent.

There was like this shock. And I remember 70, well, only half of us saw because the others were on the other side, but a lot of people witnessed this and there was no screaming and he didn't ignite, but they pulled him out and it was so intense that you could see his body was smoldering. Yeah, you're right. That smoke and heat and everything would just melt your lungs. Yeah, you couldn't even breathe. Holy shit. And so we went from having this incredible festive fun week to this moment. I was sitting with about 15, 16 other people, and it was just like, and again, it, it, it

really was hard to make sense of it because this guy looked like he was on cloud nine. You know, it looked like, and we don't know if it was drug induced or he was just suicide, but he looked like the happiest guy you'd ever seen. And in the blink of an eye, he was gone. And it was, uh, it was really weird and the

people i were with i could tell everyone was just scatterbrained we're all everyone was just like you didn't know where to look you didn't know what to say and and i kind of took a bit of a leadership stance in that moment and i knew that at least for myself, psychologically, this was going to be something hard to process. And, and so I just grabbed everyone instinctively. I said, I said, I don't know if any of you guys believe in God. I don't know if you pray, if you, what you believe, but I said, I think we're all going to need this. And I said, let's hold hands. And I said a prayer for that guy. Cause it was like, you know, you think about how we feel about passing on. Some of us picture the soul moving into another afterlife or another portal.

And, and, but that's always after the fact, you know, but it was right here. And I felt like, I felt like maybe we need to come together and, and, and help this guy or at least acknowledge this guy or say something. And I know I needed it. I don't know if the other ones might've thought. Why did you need it? Cause I, it was a, it was a man. It was a person, you know, and to me, people

are so powerful, like human beings we have we have 20 million stories going on every second we're alive even just sitting here even when you're sitting quiet yeah everybody's mind is processing and thinking and creating and we have these long lives that you know maybe, maybe they're short into the context of the universe, but the things we all experience, whether it's the first time you pee, the first time you get a job, the first time you think hateful thoughts, the first time you think loving thought, like we're these detailed, intricate stories. were these detailed intricate stories and to see one just vanish in the blink of an eye it's i didn't know his story but i knew he had millions of stories and and so i felt like i needed to help and they're crazy also that the greatest story he could probably tell is one that he's not going to be around to tell yeah maybe you know what i mean maybe yeah what a story to be like i dove in the fucking burning man one time like how you're gonna

tell that story i know it's weird and it's it's a big story and yeah so it uh it's just something um i believe there's a bigger power a a bigger energy out there and, and, and whether you want to call it God or the forces of the universe or gravity or air or love, whatever in anything, maybe this moment of us praying for him or channeling energy for him will later on come around and be helpful to them. I even said that to him. I said, I don't know if you guys will need this now, but maybe it'll help down the road. And I don't know if it did or not, but it helped me. I mean, I, I was able to release a lot of sorrow and confusion and, and, uh, sadness for this person, you know, but then maybe there was

something in it too, where he wanted to go. Maybe it was time to go. And I also thought I tried to get in his head and I go, what if this is the most beautiful way to go? I was going to say, what a way to go, maybe it was time to go. And I also thought, I tried to get in his head and I go, what if this is the most beautiful way to go? I was going to say, what a way to go. A hundred foot inferno. You know how we all sit at a campfire and we

just stare, we're mesmerized. Mesmerized. And I thought, what if this is the opening for him to go to the next place? And so I didn't, I didn't chalk it as up as I know, oh, he was depressed or he maybe maybe that was the most beautiful i'm with you what if that also is the portal to wherever the fuck he's going next you got to dive into that motherfucker shed that thing and you're over there now it's sometimes

it's you know i'll tell you a story and it goes back to animals i was on safari in africa years ago oh man you did that i would oh never have to say I'm scared of that. I've done it a few times. And me and my cousin went out one morning just in an open Land Rover by ourselves and our guide. And we were fortunate enough, we were in one of these remote safari camps where it's not 30 people in a thing clicking camera. And we were in a place where you're allowed to go off road and just drive through the wilderness. You don't have to stick to the trail. So it was, it was amazing.

And we happened to come up on two male lions that had just made a kill. Like literally they probably took it down five minutes before we got there. And they were in the middle of eating a wildebeest carcass. And, and our guide pulled up and stopped the truck and these two male lions just stood up and walked halfway towards us. And I had the video camera going and I'm like, oh, this is cool. But then, but then they just locked on me.

Like their, their big golden eyes just locked on me. And I'm telling you Ryan, Ryan, my hand started shaking. Oh, man. The power in those beasts. That stare. Like that stare, the majesty and the intensity and the unbridled viciousness. They don't know that they're vicious. They just know that they're wired to live and hunt and kill. And it's not, there's no malice.

There's no cruelty. That's what they're wired to live and hunt and kill. And it's not, there's no malice. There's no cruelty. That's what they're wired to do. And so I was just like, but then I had a moment where I saw these two things that if they wanted to be in our open air vehicle, they could have ran and been in on us and probably in about two and a half seconds. But they don't do that because they see the vehicle as something other than flesh and they don't, they don't really get it. But something in me went, I saw these beautiful, strong, tall thing with the manes and the golden eyes and I'm not, I told my cousin this like

last time we were together and he goes, what's wrong with you? I said, I said, Kevin, you know, there was a moment when, when I thought about putting down the camera, and I just wanted to jump out and rush those things and grab them and go, if this is how I die, what a way to go. How did he die? Oh, he attacked a lion. He attacked a lion.

He attacked a fucking king of the beast. Two them and i'm not kidding i thought what a fucking way i know i'm gonna go but to run at those and see the look of their eyes like what the is that a guy from the valley like just just and grab that and ride it i mean they'd be chomping down right what a way to go you know know what I mean? It would be a way to go. So who knows? Maybe this guy, this fire was beautiful to him. But for me, it was very hard to watch a human soul go in that moment and have no say in it and have to be witness to it.

And not even sure what's really happening. It's not like that guy's screaming and darting the whole way you're like oh my god he looked happy he looked engaged i'll share an animal death with you that i think is one of the most beautiful amazing unique deaths um i would say of probably any animal to be honest um i don't know if you remember the pitcher randy johnson yeah uh in spring training for the arizona diamondbacks when he was pitching he accidentally killed a dove yeah he flew right flew right into his ball yeah right and he killed it yeah and the feathers blew up everywhere looked like it was its own fireworks it was it died in its own fireworks show and i think about

that dove all the time. First of all, dove is a symbol of peace. This is a peaceful animal. It fucked Randy Johnson up for a while. I think he's got a company about it now or something. I bet he doesn't bathe with dove soap. I'll tell you that. It's spring training.

I think about it all the time. And I wonder if that bird among its group, however it communicated, they're like, maybe it had fucking cancer. Maybe it wasn't going to make it. And they were like, no, man, this is spring training. He was like, no, it's my day today. And I think that bird timed that shit out and blew it into its own. You know how many doves have been killed by a Randy Johnson fastball? One.

How many doves have been on by a randy johnson fastball one how many doves have been on this planet probably billions right how many doves out there can say yeah it wasn't an accident i took it from an all-star the best wow yeah and went out in its own fireworks but that is you talk about lights out it was light that bird was just so and then just black like tony soprano you know what i mean just light switch oh yeah there were feathers it looked like a fat chick sat on a pillow at bed bath and beyond and it just boom like it's a glory that's a glorious beautiful death yeah i guess and I hear what you're saying to that. Like, yeah, you'd be an absolute moron to do it, but what a way to fucking go. Yeah.

And also, like, again, I'm reminded of the power of these fucking beasts because there was a video I saw. I think it was an Indian guy that had jumped down into a tiger cage in a zoo. Oh, yeah. And he was just sitting there crying. And they sort of looked at him for a while. And then a couple of them looked at each other like, fuck it, let's eat it.

And they grabbed that man, one of them, by the neck. And I mean sprinted, like galloping to the back of that thing. This is a grown adult man by the neck with just its jaws, like it was a rag doll. Super powerful. And then they all ate him alive yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's uh it's it's strange it's it's powerful and just death is uh it's uh it's it's weird it's tough how you process it and uh it's something we all have to

Tough how you process it. And it's something we all have to see and deal with. And I remember when I was a kid, the first time I ever saw a dead body, I had to go to my grandfather's funeral. I was probably nine. And I remember just seeing his body laying there. And it was an open casket. And I was a little kid, so I didn't. And I just started, like, patting his head. Like, I said, oh, grandpa.

You know, like, I couldn't believe he was there but just motionless and i'm just like you know it's weird and it's just it's very strange yeah the first dead body i saw was my great-grandma great-grandma cookie in her fucking parlor back in the day in her house it was an old italian uh lady they came over from italy and she died and they laid her out in the fucking house for the funeral that was like the viewing oh you come by the house and she's laid out and and she's sleeping in there you know what i mean i remember i remember them sending me up to sleep with a cookie monster i just that cookie monster fucking stuck with me but that was the first i remember touching and feeling how cold and just fake and the rosary wrapped around the hands and

just like well i don't know i don't know i i get it but i don't fucking get it like i get that this seems final everyone's black wearing black and crying and yeah but they'll be laid out in the fucking house in the old days like in the parlor i'm like what are you fucking, what? In the house? And that was before Scotchgard. It was before Scotchgard. I mean, the stains. God. But it was an Italian house, so it was probably plastic on everything anyway. Okay, yeah. What an episode, Harlan Williams.

All right, so before we wrap up here, now that we've talked about quite a bit of death, I ask every guest, if I can remember, and sometimes I forget, but I remember, what advice you would give to your 16-year-old self? What advice I would give to my 16-year-old self? would say it's interesting ryan because i've lived one of these lives where i've really i came up with a motto when i was young because i saw a lot of people when i was young just letting life pass them by or consume them and i i came up with my own motto live life don't let life live you i like that and i'm one of these people in life that went after all my dreams and attained most of them and it was merely because i decided at a young age to go after what i wanted and mold my life into what i wanted it to be i didn't wait for life to happen to me i i pursued life i pursued the things i wanted in life and so i would say to my younger self

live life don't let life live you dude that's fucking great yeah that's great advice yeah thank you for doing the show thank you for being so open and honest and finding something to laugh about in that ugly ass uh mess well you know that's what i liked about your show because i knew it'd be tough to talk about some of this thing but in closing i'll say this you know i've never been to a funeral where i didn't lean over and crack a joke to someone humor and darkness is what helps make us get through being humor. And sometimes it feels insensitive to laugh about it, but there's a deeper psychological methodology

behind laughing at the dark stuff. Absolutely. And so today was actually, Ryan, a little therapeutic for me because these three things are things that play in my mind a lot. And to come out and sit here with you and laugh at them and release, look at them in a lighter way, it's actually helpful. So, thanks, buddy. Thank you, brother. Please, again, promote everything and anything you'd like.

Oh, yeah. out everything and anything you'd like. Oh yeah. So you can, um, you can buy one of my, uh, hand-drawn t-shirts at harbling.com, H-A-R-B-L-I-N-G.com. And if we're sold out of the actual print, uh, the actual real drawing, you can order print. And I guess, uh, check my website, harlandwilliams.com for my standup comedy tours.

And lastly, uh, hit me up on Instagram, harlandwilliams.com, for my stand-up comedy tours. And lastly, hit me up on Instagram, harlandwilliams. I'm always putting up funny videos because while we're in this life, I try to offer laughter to people, and that's what I put on my Instagram. I love it, dude. Awesome. As always, ryansickler.com, ryansickler on all social media. We'll talk to y'all next week.