The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Highlighting the Highlights of the Lowlights

Episode Date: December 30, 2019

We're closing in on a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year, a new decade - it's about to be 2020 y'all! I appreciate all of your support for The HoneyDew! It's been a fantastic first year and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon! 2020 will be even bigger and better! On this weeks episode, I'm Highlighting the Highlights of the Lowlights! I take a look back at some of my (and your) favorite moments from some of my (and your) favorite HoneyDews of 2019! Keep spreading the word and I'll keep Dewin the damn thing! Here's to an awesome 2020 Dewers! Cheers!

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sigler. Welcome back to The Honeydew y'all we're over here at studio jeans doing it at your mom's house i'm ryan sickler and this is a very special end of year honeydew highlight review we're gonna do you want to talk about highlighting the low lights we're going to highlight highlight the low lights um website ryan sickler.com the honeyopodcast.com, all that good stuff. You know that.

Look, I just want to say thank you to everyone. All of you, thank you so much for listening, for watching. I've watched the subscribers on the YMH YouTube channel grow a couple hundred thousand in not even a year. It's beyond impressive and very appreciative to all of you as well as tom and christina everyone here at ymh it's been a great great year um the truth is i really didn't know what i was going to do after the crab feast and came up with this idea and um you guys have embraced it and the people who've come on have embraced it. I really appreciate everyone who's come on here

and shared their lowlights and found that light in the darkness. I try to read everything you guys post or send except for the comments. That's fucking Blue Band's job over there. I'm not diving down in those negative-ass comments because I sleep well. And one of you guys commented,

I think it was an iTunes review, and it said, it's tragedy on a whoopee cushion. And I was like, goddamn, I don't know if that's yours or not. I've never heard that anywhere else. But I thought, man, that's, yeah, that's exactly what this shit is. And this episode is going to be a highlighting, as I said, the low lights highlight, the highlight,

the low lights episode. We're going to run through some of our favorite moments. I reached out to you guys, ask what you like. We got a lot of that in here. I should have made it clear that it's a video only from the video episodes, but I want to say there's, I think it's 12 episodes of the honeydew before we finally got settled in here at YMH. Um, and, um um they're great episodes too

the jessa reed episode i don't want to miss anybody but the ladies brought it man eleanor kerrigan carlotta wood who came on not even in the business not a comedian which is something i am going to do more of now that we've got the show rolling and stuff i want to get out and talk to the bring bring you guys in. So, those episodes are great. Steve Simone's in there. Dan Van Kirk's in there. There's a lot of really good episodes. So now, with all that said,

why don't we go ahead and get into some of these highlights here from the year that is 2019. We're going to kick it off with the main mommy, my favorite mom, who tells us a little bit about her fucking mom and how crazy her mom was check this shit out but that's when shit got real weird with my mom so this is the first time my mother is abandoned essentially she's had a horrible childhood right

her mother dies when she is 12 so she's been given up for adoption. She has an alcoholic dad. It's a fucking shit show. So mom gets real weird when dad leaves. And that's when the fucking shit starts. You know what I mean? I was like, what? But is she dating also? Does she bring men in like he's bringing women in? Negative.

No, so my mom was really just spiraling over a divorce. And then we move into the apartment complex that Brody stevens actually lived in it's really single mothers we didn't know each other he's a little bit older he was older than me and it was mostly single mothers and immigrants and um and that's yeah i start to notice that i don't really like my mom i'm about five six years old i don't like her i don't feel good around her funny how early you feel it i was saying yeah you did too you never felt that she was maternal like i never i never wanted to i wanted to touch her hair she wouldn't let me because it was like a helmet of hairspray you know don't fucking touch my hair and her nails were always like blood red and long

and spiky and she would put lemon juice in her hair it was already bleached bleach bleach blonde and then lemon juice and then she would tease it so it was extra you know would that make it lighter lighter and then crispy she liked her hair crispy and she would tease it and then she had a flaming red bush my mother was a natural red hair and she would you know i was seeing her naked she was always naked getting ready in front of the mirror putting her makeup on but is that also like i hear you on the uh yeah are we just as americans just so fucking rigid and prude because i hear a lot of like south america and they're like yeah people walk around naked all the time

in the house like it is a european thing definitely but then you know but we're in america now jack and like you need to have a fucking awareness i have a three-year-old son now and now i'm kind of like you don't fucking stand naked with your bush out in front of your kids tease your hair you don't do that where's that lemon give me that lemon i'll put it on my bush hair and tease it up. Don't touch my book. Oh my God. Oh, the worst. And she had a douche bag.

You know, you ever hear Lenny Bruce talking about his mother's water bottle. Yeah. Yeah. My grandmom had one. It looked like this though. Like a rubber bag with the cord on it. It would hang in her,

in her hallway closet. It smelled like mouth balls. What was with the heavy douchebags back in the 80s? Women's pussies were just this vile... Is your pussy dehydrated? This thing's a good fucking two liter right here, Grandma.

Why did she have to blast her pussy every week? That was a lot of water blasting. What's going on in there? She would always tell me like men don't like woman with stinky pussy that's how she would say it stinky pussy you're five years old yeah like i need to hear oh yeah it starts at five i'm gonna go watch one thing two things go check out the rest of that episode it's such a good episode there's so much more there it's episode 15 with

christina and we're gonna keep it over here in the house at your mom's house. Next up is Tom Segura episode 17 with some of his more romantic moments. We were talking about I love you stories. Oh, my God. And you said you have some that are really humiliating. And I've been there before. Like, I remember, I'll share this one real quick with you to make you feel a little better. But I remember there was this cute girl in the neighborhood, and I liked her.

And the girl next door was like, I'm going to help you. This is middle school. I'm going to help you get, you know, go out with her. And I was like, okay. She's like, I'll bring her over, and I'll tell her, like, you know, you're nice and all this. I go, okay. And so she brings her over, know you're nice and all this i go okay and so she brings her over and we're put you know we're playing and stuff and she goes you know ryan really thinks you're cute and she just goes oh like that oh man saw it she did it right in front of me she's like let's go do something else and i was

like oh man that warm feeling that just washes over you it's like oh man that's like impossible to shake that was probably something really nice that happened that day i don't even fucking remember that i remember that shit though yeah there's i think that that that might be i mean it's part of the human experience but there might be nothing else quite like professing your feelings for someone and then being like no no oh my god you don't even know like how are you so off like i love you like i don't even feel that at all like how did i read this so wrong like is a stretch i just needed a ride okay man were you and i love you guy i mean no i don't feel like i was like throwing it around all the time we threw it around a little too really but i meant it if i had braces i would

think that i anything with me yeah i remember saying i definitely said it too early so embarrassing i mean i remembered saying it to a girl in high school that's the first time high school no i probably said it to a girl in high school. That's the first time high school? No, I probably said it to somebody in middle school or something, but not really, you know, just thinking to say it. I don't think, I don't know. Just more like infatuated. I remember saying it to a girl in high school who things were building with, and I actually think I waited too long.

You know what I mean? Like I dragged it out out and then i remember telling her i was like i love you she was like yeah i was like what like she's like yeah of course you do yeah like i could tell and i was like okay oh your thunder from that moment everything all right and then like shortly thereafter she was going out with a friend of mine that was devastating oh devastating the one that i remember the two that were are more like adult ones was like one in college i went out with this girl so we were staying we were staying in the same like how like a housing complex whatever you want to call it, right?

Student complex? Student housing, I came to think. And I met her on the yard there. Sounds like I'm talking about prison. But I met her in the student union or something. And she was this cute girl and Mary. Anyways, I go and I take her out to dinner one night. Mary. Anyways, I go and I take her out to dinner one night and we come back and she was like,

she tells me to, to come over and come up to her place. Dude, I have to shit so badly that I go, uh, I go, Oh, um, I got to study for this test. And she's not like saying, let's watch a movie. She's like clearly hinting, you know, like we can hook up. And I definitely want to, but I'm like, I could feel like a pool of water. I can feel it in my guts. Like, it's not like, oh, I kind of have to take a shit. I'm holding on to an emergency right now. You know, like I can feel it and so she's like okay but why are you not comfortable just saying let me run to my place real quick well hold on grab

a condo whatever anything i got i i because i do have to the the part about the test and all that the next day is true but i'm i'm it was the studying part that wasn't true well yeah i mean like i i should be studying for the test i should also be hooking up with her the shit that i feel like in my mind i'm like this is a category five like this is gonna take massive cleanup this is not like and who knows if i could have sex after this because i don't know what's going to happen with my guts and my ass it's just if i know it's a disaster so i go to my dorm room and the way that my dorm room is is that there's my myself and my roommate a bathroom that has two doors one you can enter from my side and then there's another two guys on the other side that also use that what do they call that bathroom someone just told me the other day i don't know yeah it's a there's another two guys on the other side that also use that what do they call that

bathroom someone just told me the other day i don't know yeah it's a there's a name for it but you share it's not right yeah but there's a name but we share it with two other guys yeah i know exactly i had that situation i lived there for my whole sophomore year i go back from like all right well then like i'll see you i think I think we kiss, you know, like out, out on the, the student patio, whatever it's called. And then I'm like, yeah,

no, because I got to go work on this study for this test. And I give no hint of what's going on with me, right? I go up to my room, I sit down, I shit. And I'm not kidding you for the whole year.

This never happened. But that night as I shit, the two guys go what the fuck is that and and it's dude it's so loud and it's just like a black pool of water right it's like it's horrific and i flushed and i got a flush again and they're like oh my god because the smell is like going through the walls yeah and they're like oh my god because the smell is like going through the walls yeah and they're like what the fuck i have to flush like three times immediately i gotta get in the shower and like clean up

and then like when i was done they came through and they were like what's happened what happened to you i was like i don't know like you know i went out i think i took her to sushi i was like sushi and uh they were like are you you know you need to ride somewhere or something i was like no i'm good man but that's what it was anyways i was like embarrassed that that happened too and i also had like the the i the thought that this goes back to all that shit trauma probably when you were fucking nine years old. Maybe it does. It does. Scared you're going to shit yourself and start crying.

I fucking, I end up going to bed and the next day that girl Mary, her friend was like, was thinking that I'm a sweet guy. And that she's like you're like a really nice guy and i was like what why she was like you like you should talk to my roommate you like you're taking your time with her that's what she thought like that i was like right that the reason i didn't go over there was like i don't want to rush things yeah jackson let's wait a while yeah i like to hook up but not the first night so i've been lucky enough to have a lot of people come on the show this year and really open up and share some things a lot of people i know and there's still a lot of stuff i don't know about them and andrew santino is one of my favorite people.

Shout out again to Andrew Santino. Special thanks for leaving that weed the week I came after you in Phoenix. I appreciate that, Pye. And this episode, I find out that his dad was in prison. I had no idea his dad was in prison. It's episode 24. You can check out the full episode episode but check out this clip right here this low light right here but my dad was in and out of my life all the time but that wasn't

really the root of it like i don't think that was it i think it was just um i don't know life why what did he do prison for real prison prison see i don't know when you're joking with me or not i swear to god what are you comfortable talking about yeah i don't know what you're joking with me or not. I swear to God. I swear to God. Are you comfortable talking about that? Totally, yeah. I don't get fun. What did he do to go to prison? Drugs. Selling or?

Both. Selling, buying, being involved with pieces of shit. Let's start. Let's go back to the beginning. Your mom and dad split at one. You're a one. Do you have any siblings? Is there anyone that precedes you?

Not from them. No. I'm the only one from them. Not from them. But I have halves. I have half siblings okay but i'm the only one from them from my biological mom and dad so when do you at what age do you remember meeting your dad shit maybe like i remember like maybe three or four i remember some i remember going to his apartment when i was three or four and watching bears games like that i kind of remember but not

much he was like a figment of my imagination as a kid he he drove i talk about i used to talk when I was three or four and watching Bears games. Like that, I kind of remember. But not much. He was like a figment of my imagination as a kid. I used to talk about it on stage. He drove a Firebird. Remember Pontiac Firebirds? Yeah, he drove a Firebird. He had a million of them. He would trade them out in and out in different colors.

But he loved cocaine. He loved cocaine. Doing it and selling it? Everything, all the above. And then just unruly people that he was surrounding himself with. I'm sure they were involved in criminal activity as well. You know what I mean? He had a lot of protection because my grandfather's... His dad?

Yeah, his father's people were, you know... Dialed in? They were people. Yeah. Yeah. They were people. But he would go to prison. He went to prison cook county yeah cook county prison this is how i knew my my grandfather had people first of all my grandfather worked at the dog track at the not the horse track

there goes the rabbit greyhounds either loose dogs yeah it's loose neighborhood animals. But he would... But I would go see him. I'd go watch amateur boxing sometimes at the greyhound track. It was called Maywood. Maywood's the dog track.

I don't think it's around anymore. Arlington is the horse track. But he would... Here's how I knew. His friends all had hilarious tv nicknames i only when i was older like his best friend was this guy joe the hat joe the hat always had nice cars brand new corvette brand new porsche you know like yeah i was like this motherfucker's a magician what does he do you know and then i got old enough to realize like people these guys don't

have jobs they kick it all fucking day so what did he do to make money? And are they younger at the time? Well, 50s, 60s? No, they were probably in their 50s or 60s. Right. They weren't like 30s or 40s. But it was always so mysterious. And then I knew all these guys with all these bullshit nicknames. Like Joe the Hat, you know, the Marksman.

I was like, who are these Marksmen? I think I know who he is. But you think as a kid you don't. The Marksmen. Yeah, you just don't wrap your head around all that stuff. You don't understand what any of that shit is. But you think it's you as a kid, you don't. Marksman. Yeah. You just don't wrap your head around all that stuff. You don't understand what any of that shit is. It's normal.

Yeah. It just sounds like normal shit. Until you realize when that shit is not normal. Right. And then you realize what the heck. Mom, I'm going to the Marksman's house. Yeah. No.

No, you're not. No. So that's how I knew my grandfather had friendlies, you know? And so my dad and his brother were up to no gooders and they were always in trouble always in trouble both great athletes both like had good opportunities to do things and and just couldn't stay out of fucking trouble and then my then my dad's brother uh went to vietnam and got addicted to the horse like so many of those dudes did and then uh had a tough time with his life until he got clean found jesus that's what

took it he found jesus hard in prison apparently jesus lives on death row yeah yeah he does yeah he does he's in cell block too yeah but he but yeah and then he got his life so clean together but my whole my whole childhood are you close with your uncle now no he's in florida but he found god he works with this woman i mean he works at this church, and his life is good. He's living a nice, good, clean life. But my old man, you know, we had this weird up-and-down relationship of like, this was in and out of prison, so I didn't really know him. Did you ever go visit him in prison?

Never. Never. But he would call all the time. This is my favorite. Back in the day when they used to prison collect calls, you know? He'd be like, you have a collect call from Cook County prisoner inmate for 8527, you know? It would say his number.

Yeah, it would say the number, and then it would go from, dude, and it would be a chance for them to leave their name, right? But my mother would never, she would be angry that I accepted it, so she didn't want me to accept the call. She's like, I'm not paying for that motherfucker to pay, you know, like, fuck him.

You gotta pay for you to talk to your own kid yeah fuck that so she would deny it sometimes so he knew that it would get denied so he would leave his message in the time when he's supposed to leave his name so it's supposed to just be like you have a call from rick you know yeah so he would leave a collect call to be like you have a collect call from cook county inmate and then they go from and they go hey what's up? It's me. I just want to say hi. And they'll cut it off every time. Listen, cut that new shit with some bacon soda. Listen, they're coming to buy a new.

There's been a lot of humiliating moments that have been shared on this episode. But I think the one that really takes the cake or takes the shit is the Kelsey Cook episode. Episode 26, Kelsey Cook, hilarious Kelsey Cook, comes on and tells a story about the shit she had to take in a Sephora box. Sephora dropped sponsorship immediately after the show but you should definitely check out the full episode after you see this shitty clip so um so yeah my my fiance and i we've always lived in an apartment that only has one bathroom and so one of the fights that we've had over and over is because he takes 45 minute mansions and i don't know if this is something that you do too,

if this is like all guys. That's my only... That's your wheelhouse. When I live with my daughters, my daughter's like, what are you doing in there? And I would just be like, nothing. I'm just peace and quiet in here right now. I put that fan. She's like, I hate that fan.

I'm like, I love that fan. I love that fan. Because I can't hear you say shit like I hate that fan. That fan's my friend. My legs go numb and I get up like oh shit i don't know if i'll get feeling back at these this one feels deep yeah your buttholes completely dry out yeah it's like a crazen back there and i just i hadn't experienced not a raisin a crazen specific very specific they're a little red so you're right overrated thank you so not enough yeah so um i

hadn't lived with a guy before so i just didn't know if this was normal or whatever and i i asked him i was like why like why does it take you so long to do that and he was like well my doctor told me that it's bad to push so i don't push i just sit and i'll let it fall out i was like what are you a geisha like why are you trying to take these like little dainty you know shits for i just feel like you know fucking hold on to something fire it out get the fuck out of there hit it and quit it i'm out we gotta go costco you know like there's shit to be done today and so literally literally a lot a lot of it from my end from all different places and at restrooms and everything exactly so um this was i mean this was only like maybe four months ago um we were in our apartment and he went

into the bathroom for one of his sessions and i knew it was going to be one because he locked the door which like when i hear that like he only does that for number two which is just funny to me i don't like know why he thinks some like like, weary traveler is going to be like, you know, like, go on and... Try to get in while you're shitting. Yeah. Like, what are you doing in my home? Just looking for the bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah. So he locks the door, which basically also ensures, like, that I really have no... I have no access to it. So he was maybe, like, 20 minutes into his usual 45 minutes when i started to feel some fireworks and i was like oh no uh so i texted him and i was like hey i'm about to shit my pants i'm about to shit in the kitchen sink i'm about oh dude that's so funny you say that because that

was like honestly gonna be where else would you go i know okay okay so i'm with you on that i mean i've moved the next day get ready yeah i got on blame you got to burn that place to the ground after that no amount of bleach yeah we'll clean that so so i send it to him and he doesn't respond like i can hear his phone get my text and i hear him just like continue to watch arrested development i'm like fucking asshole asshole so now i'm facing reality like I I don't have access to a toilet and I've got some demons coming down the chute like apocalypse survival mode so then I start frantically looking around our tiny like one bedroom apartment for a substitute toilet and the first thing I saw was the kitchen sink but then I like right away I was like too high like it's just like that's a lot of gymnastics

that i'm not qualified for so i was like especially when you're about to shit yourself about to shit yourself this push right here this little hop up right here like god damn it for sure let me just clean my underwear in the sink now. Yeah, just turn this around. So I was like, okay, that's a no. Then I saw my fiance's Boston Red Sox hat, and I was like, hmm. Like, emotionally. Touche. Emotionally, I would like to soft serve him some Pipe and Hot Justice. This feels appropriate.

I love you said soft serve. I'm going to tell you something after this. But then finally, I saw, like, in the corner of the living room there was an empty um cardboard sephora box do you know the store sephora is like a store okay so i was like this is as good as it's gonna get and so i in the middle of my living room at like 2 p.m on a tuesday drop my pants and fucking you shit the sephora full full bowel movement full shit into a sephora box and also what you forget like you don't think about when you're like going number two is that you usually like pee a little bit too. So I pooped also like peed a little, like just like down my legs on the floor.

Are you crying? I'm so upset. I would be crying about the Sephora box as it's happening. My cats, by the way, they're a sponsor of the show. They're sponsored. Great.

They're never going to be. I know I'm fucking ruining their store so so badly i'm a big fan of football sunday it's been a good year for my raven so far shout out to lamar jackson right there uh but i've never heard of something called salt off sunday uh until george perez came on the show uh Episode 28 it is. Yeah, it's episode 28. George comes on and gives a whole new definition to Sunday that I had never heard. Got a sawed-off Sunday going on out there.

You got to check out this clip right here. Okay, you jump around, so I want to go back. Yeah. All right, so when you carried a sawed-off, what was the reason for that versus, you know, where are you going that night versus the hand-off? Okay, I'm glad you asked that because I used to call it sawed off what was the what was the reason for that versus you know where are you going that okay i'm glad you asked that because we i used to call it sawed off sundays taco tuesdays and sawed off sundays y'all nine millimeter wednesdays baby what the fuck? What was Sawed Off Sundays all about?

That was the day the Street Sweeper came, and that's what we used to call the guns. It's the Street Sweeper. So on Sawed Off Sundays, we would all take our Sawed Off shotguns, and back in those days, the party crews would throw these parties, and it was,

dude, we're going to parties to get bitches and do drugs and fuck around. You know what mean i was i only had one kid back then how old were you when you how old were you when your father first 18 18 yeah man i didn't go to help me i didn't go to health class it was fucking hard he missed it missed it? Yeah. God damn. 18? You're a dad? 18. Yeah. And now you're rolling around on salt off Sundays.

Yeah. And who are you going? Are you just going to intimidate? What are you doing? So these people would throw parties and shit. And they would put our name. Because before we were a gang, we were a party crew. We were getting into, like, being a gang.

Back in that time, everybody had party crews. And it was like we were gangsters, but we didn't want to follow someone else's rules and shit, who I can and who I can't talk to. It's just a lot of politics involved. And then, yeah, bro, we go to parties. And I did one time on sawed-off Sunday. We fucking had to use the sawed-off. We did.

Yeah. What happened? Somebody died, bro. Really? Yeah. What happened? We fucking. This is before I was in bed.

Can you talk about that? Oh, yeah. This shit's over with i won't i was i remember being a high school and this thought off sunday happened and fucking we went to a party and these fools try to set us up because they already found two guns like we would they would search you when you're going to a party so we we would put the clip on the bottom of our shoes we put the nine millimeter clips or the 45 and then we would get the we would put the clip on the bottom of our shoes we put the nine millimeter clips or the 45 and then we would get the we would get the gun wrap it in like fucking some kind of paper and

then put it in a plastic ziploc bag and put it in a big gulp and just walk yeah fuck sawed off sundays we need to do a show now called sawed off sundays holy shit yeah you put the gun in the big gulp and roll in like this so now you have a piece in the in the party yeah because we're going we're not getting the salt off in there no yeah we're not getting the salt off and you know we got a little derringer's little 22s and shit hidden because everyone's packing. And you just got to be safe. And we thought this party was safe.

And it was all bad. All bad. Like, we started fighting with these fools first. And then we were fucking them up. And then out of nowhere, I just see a rifle come out. Boof. Boof. Boof.

And there's like, it's kind of like. Holy shit. It's kind of like the had you been in gunfire i'm a senior in high school this is this is a summer to senior year you're about to be a new dad yeah i didn't even know yet and dude this is fucking crazy in a house this is going on this is in a house in a backyard people they fantasize about it but you don't realize that there's smoke it's loud as fuck gunpowder burns your eyes like all that movie shit is so romanticized and you're like how you're exactly on it dude it was it was like slow no no disrespect to anybody that's ever been to war but i thought i was in a war yeah i'm 17 like these things are really going now we're not shooting at fucking bottles no more

and my fucking one of my friends i'm not gonna say his name or shit but this fucking poor kid's only 15 14 years old and he's fucking with the business pulls his shit down just starts dumping boom boom i'm talking like people like this is how it's like like i've never heard this kind of gun before and like how you said like when it hits brick yeah all the pieces because we don't know how to fucking shoot though we're missing everything like i remember pulling my bandana up what the fuck ain't oh shit for reals cholos change their dress code they get we need to wear the bandanas higher get them up yeah and dude we hit one of them and like like it nothing stopped and our people scattering everywhere so they're just running all women are yeah girls are screaming we're trip excuse me we're like we're in shock i don't even know that we've hit anybody i just fucking

oh i'm not even trying to make this funny but it's fucking funny is we all overshot everybody had to reload no you emptied and yeah you know what i mean we're like Hold my slurpee. Put the abba-zabba down to give me a clip, bitch. That full episode, it's got a lot of heavy stuff going on in there. And sometimes we like to just keep it a little bit light. And thank you to the Sklar brothers on episode 35 for coming on and dropping that CVS cheese bit. I love it. We could do it. I could sit at a party and do that for four hours straight

and not stop laughing, all right? So go check out, watch this highlight, and then go check out that full episode because I think it's like a four-minute riff on all the shit CVS has. It's down there by the motor oil and the goddamn snow globes. So he's great, and the three of us just, it's like this week in dumb news,

this is what happened, which we believe the world's getting dumber. How do we, you know, defeat it? Through comedy. Through comedy. So we do that show, which you've done. You were great. You were our second episode ever. I appreciate that.

Cheese in the CBS. The running bit of, like, someone asking an employee at the CVS where the cheese is and the guy saying what it's next to. I could do that for 10 hours. Where's cheese? Wait, man, it's back by the mops and the batteries. Where's the cheese? The dairy section is right next to automotive,

right there by the Armor All and right over there by the crutch tips. Right by the cotton balls and the razors. Come on now, it's cheese. Where do you think it is? That should be a podcast. Just where the cheese is. It's by the caulk guns. Where do you think it is?

It's by the foot powder and the greeting cards. It's cheese, damn it. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. The tough acting, ten acting. And the kitty lip. It's right there. And the chocolate coins.

It's right there. I don't know why you can't see it. It's cheese, damn it. If you hit the diabetes socks, you went too far. Oh, God. Diabetes socks and sunscreen. It's over there, man. It's in the self-help

section. Why can't you find it? Why can't you find it? First of all, if you're going to CVS for a sliced cheese, you deserve all of this. The Pepto-Bismol and the beach towels. How do you not?

It's down there by the sand chairs. You see it? Yeah. The seasonal shit. It's over by the seasonal shit. It's in the as-seen-on-TV aisle. That's right. It's by the makeup and the makeup.

Everything. The makeup and the water shoes. You see it? It's right over there. The water. Oh my God.

I always love someone who is not embarrassed to get embarrassed. And Beth Stelling is one of my favorite people and Beth

Stelling will throw down with the best of them. And in episode 20, Beth Stelling details how she had a party favorite. her people and best thing we'll throw down with the best of them and in episode 20 best telling details how she had a party favorite at uh at the kids parties check this out how about this party trick as a child as a child i don't you read the sentence i'll read this so i just sent him a i just basically free flowed on things that were dark or traumatizing.

I like to ask people to just give me a line. Don't give me too much. I gave you like 40 lines. 40 lines. And this line right here, I'm going to read that to everybody. It says, I used to. Earmuffs, mom. I used to queef on command as a party trick as a child.

queef on command as a party trick as a child who the fuck now i can't do it i'm a lady bring that little girl on here watch this shit watch this shit watch this i think i can still do it like but really i would put my legs behind my head like you know what i mean yeah and then but both like a pretzel behind my head because i was a gymnast for many years and um and essentially i think most people like um in order to protect themselves assumed that it was my butthole you know like just to like nah nah you know what i mean yeah and so so my sisters would always call it farting on command but like how could you not know it was so such a different sound but like i had older sisters and they would have parties and like occasionally when my mom was out

of town get beth up here to liven this thing yeah and i remember eating a dog biscuit just like make people laugh. I would kind of do whatever. What would your mom do when you would do that? Would she freak out? I think she was working one of her three jobs. We weren't full latchkey kids, but she worked a lot. And she was a single mom.

Yeah, with three kids. Yeah. So it was like we she really did a great job raising us i never felt like the kid that never had my parent home she wasn't at a lot of school things because she excuse me was also a teacher but um yeah i don't know it was just basically like suck air and then really just let her rip and suck air in there huh yeah that's fucking beautiful and it would always get laughs oh my god i don't know what i would do i would definitely laugh first at my daughter and then i'd be like hey you have to stop doing that

some of the episodes are light and fun and some go deep and I mean real deep. And I would say that of all the episodes and, and people I've had sit across from me, uh, Maronzio Vance, the episode that he sat here and opened up about the abuse and everything. I would say that that is honestly, it's the embodiment of this show. Um,

and again, there's a special I just have a special love for anybody that can spin that dark into funny and Maronzio takes an unbelievable moment and

dark dark moment and makes me laugh harder than anybody has about their darkness and this is definitely a low light but this is what the show is all about. So check this one out. She's a girl. Very mature. I think in the South we call it manish.

I don't know if everybody says manish, but manish is like fast, like too mature. I don't know if fast is a Southern slang either, but fast means, oh, she's fast. Like she knows too much. She's too grown for her own good. I had a cousin. She was adult. She knew too much too soon. One day,

at my grandmother's house, she took me in the... My grandparents had two houses. The main house where everybody would hang out at and lived in. Then there was a house that my cousins, my uncles, used to live in when they were growing up because they had so many fucking kids they had to put them in another shed or whatever so i don't know dude so my my grandfather converted the old house into storage for the fruits and vegetables my grandparents had a garden and then the other room had a pool table in it and that was big back then you had a fucking pool table in

your house some sinatra shit and she took me in the back one day and we were playing and the next thing you know she's like she just got on top of me and was like you know this is happening and i don't know what's happening but you're crushing my dick like she was crushing it like even though i don't even think i got erections if i did it was brief but still it's a twig but she's fucking sitting on my body and i'm like i'm uncomfortable she starts to take her shirt off and i don't want to be graphic but she basically had her way with me and i was like man this is she had sex with you she didn't i didn't not sex but she did everything but okay it was no penetration but she did everything oral sex on you um she touched it a lot and she's 13 14 13 14

i'm six or seven years old and you want to be liked everybody i don't give a fuck who you are i don't give a fuck who you are i'm looking into the camera everybody wants to be liked even the people that say oh you're fucking nobody like me you want somebody to like the fact that you don't want to be like don't fool yourself bitch you want to be liked so i want to be liked i want to be cool i don't want to cause trouble i don't want to get anyone in trouble. So I don't say anything. And it happens a couple of times. And I don't know if the word got out that,

you know, I'm a fresh piece of ass to play with, but cousins, other female cousins, like, Oh, just females. Yeah.

Yeah. Like it's weird. and they started doing that too i had a second cousin she lived in new york she would come down every summer and that would be her play thing for the summer and was she the same age gap older older yeah she's about let's say 17 damn maybe and you're still six seven year old kid yeah holy shit so you gotta understand something right there ryan i was introduced to intimacy by i got introduced to love and intimacy by making it seem like you're only important if somebody desires you sexually you know what i mean is well i only like you or i'm into you if i want to fuck you so that just stuck to my dna until like last week probably you know yeah you said just a few years

ago you went yeah like until like last week i was like oh everybody that don't want to fuck me can all right that's cool i got it now like it's on my it's on my refrigerator like to-do list don't think this less of you so it happened for you know probably up until like probably like i'd say about nine so about three years off and on three years off and on by several people by several so it happened with my cousin the first cousin who initiated it then her friend saw me she's like oh my god he's such a little heartbreaker and this bitch kissed me not like kissed me on the cheek this bitch put her fat tongue in my small mouth and

my dick just got hard like what like my? Like, my dick was, like, arithmetic hard, dude. Like, what the fuck is going on? Like, I couldn't believe how. My dick was store hammer hard. Like, I could have summoned that bitch and, like, come here. Boom. Hit you over the head. Kill you instantly. With my dick.

That's fucking how hard it was at seven. Like, you ever seen that commercial where somebody's sitting on the couch and they're like oh she does pot she's like all deflated yeah that's how i should have been because all the blood left my body and was straight to my dick i should have just been a fucking deflated bag with a fucking dick just like looking like ultra man standing up there ready to conquer the fucking world so she uh she would do that to me and then and she lived in the neighborhood too she lived my mom would go get her all the time because her mom was my cousin that did it everything comes from some place sure so like when everybody's talking about this this like i'm not trying to be controversial but this me too situation it's an environment that was created from something like guys aren't bad

because no one's born evil i don't want to believe except for damien and omen but outside of that no one's born i don't think no one's born fucking evil it's it comes from someplace it's a taught thing just like with people they're like i don't like gay people it's. It's a taught, learned behavior. It's a taught thing. Just like with people that are like, I don't like gay people. It comes from the fact that they read this book, and the book said don't like gay people. You can't be mad when you're born and someone gives you a manual, and now that manual is no good, but you don't know how to unlearn what you know. So we're mad at the wrong everybody. The Me Too movement, the gay movement, transgender transgender everybody's mad at the wrong thing you're mad at the people but these people are learned it's engraved in them it's like military

when guys get home from the military my cousin came from the military they didn't deprogram before they sent him on they said all right you know how long it is turn this off this motherfucker wants to go he fucking hide in the house he's fucking he's going through it so she now let me ask you a question if you don't mind go ahead never you never say anything to anybody about this and does anyone ever ask or question or or suspect my mom had a conversation with me about sex in the first grade when my cousin overheard me talking to a girl about the fact that i wanted to have sex with her so your your mom heard that conversation she don't know where it stemmed she don't know that this is coming from the fact that people have been playing doctor with me you already know what this is like yeah you want to do that now with

this girl i'm trying to i'm like oh my cousin used to do this with me this girl's school i like i want to do it to her now you know what what I'm saying? So I'm talking to her. My conversation was so adult at seven, I should have been put down like a rabbit dog. Like, I was like, what the fuck is wrong? Like, when I think back to what I was talking about, first of all, why am I- I got these ribbed condoms. They say that for your pleasure, girl. Like, you're seven fucking years old.

Seven years old. I'm a bitch. I'm a blow your back out after we get done with this spelling bee that pussy up girl pussy is i got a bat i got a bat and that's some pussy and i'm about to beat that pussy with a bat that's actually a fucking song it is so i'm talking adult my cousin overheard it and my mom was like what do you know about sex i was like ah what are you talking about? No, no sex?

I was just talking. I heard something on TV. Like, because I got in trouble now. Move forward, I got two cousins that's trying to fuck me on the regular. So now I'm like, well, let me see if this other cousin wants to fuck me. So I go to one of my cousins, and i touch her the same way my cousins tell me to touch them right and my cousin like what are you doing i'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa we fucking this family

it's the worst part to laugh at but it's real adam ray came on uh episode 34 and we were talking about depression and and eating your feelings and how he was a bigger kid and before we even got into talking about it he cleared his throat he gave me and i was like i heard that shit in your throat clear there. And we busted out into our own little version of, I heard it in your throat clear. And I don't remember who it was. I credited you everywhere I could on social media, so you had to go back and find a post on my Instagram, at Ryan Sickler.

Follow me on Instagram. But you got to check out this clip, followed by the song that was submitted that just crushes. You know, have probably, and I don't even want to say like suppressed or buried a lot of all of that stuff, because my mom did try to get me into counseling like shortly after. We heard it in the throat clear.

We heard it all in the throat clear, bro. We heard it out of the throat clear, dude. You were still on the gate pulling the horse by the way if we heard it in the throat clear isn't some r&b ballad it's about some guy heard it in your throat clear i see it in your eyes the emotions getting heavy i'm gonna eat these fries that's the music video it's the person sitting across from the guy's thing and he's just like i heard it in your throat clear i see it in your eyes the emotions getting heavy so i'ma eat these fries welcome to the honeydew podcast broadcasted straight from your mom's house ryan tickler highlighting the light so grab a seat kiss here is our next guest one of the more memorable stories for me is episode 38 with my man,

Steven Randolph, who came on and, and, uh, shared a story about how he grew tits overnight. And he, he is, by the way,

he told me that so many of you have actually reached out to him and are actually getting the surgery as well. So good for you for that. I, this was something I never knew about, but, uh, yeah,

he had, had uh in his words grew tits full full tits and went down to Mexico with a buddy to to do some partying and got caught by the federales and uh he's on his way to prison in the back of a bronco with a guy who can't wait to go to prison and this shit is so fucking funny and scary that uh i wanted to include it because man this one really stuck out so check this out i don't want to see the judge you go see the judge you're getting 10 years get the fuck in the car so then he hooks me and casey together on this fucking uh, uh, two handcuffs. And you know, there's like, uh, Broncos, they have Broncos, the federalities with a welded machine gun to the top. They're like military videos or military vehicles. And inside there's a cab where they kind of hollow

out. That's like their paddy wagon. It looks like a paddy wagon. So they're just rounding up motherfuckers. So I get thrown in there and we we're in there with a guy from a Los Angeles gang. A Mexican guy, but you can tell he's a Mexican-American. Face tattoos everywhere. And he's tweaking. And he's on meth. He's not in handcuffs. So there's six or seven of us in this paddy wagon.

A cramp. Yeah, in a Bronco. That's cramped. Yeah. And he's like, I wish I could show you. It's just like, I'll never forget this. Because he's like, he's like, oh, because we got thrown in there. And he's like, it's about to go off right now.

And I'm like. I would be fucking scared to death. Fight, fight, dude. And he goes, you're homie over there? And he goes, you and your homie, you're going to be fighting all night. He goes, you ever been to fucking Mexican prison before? We're going to prison, homie. And he's excited about it.

Yeah, and he's fucking lit, dude. He can't wait. You can ask fucking George Perez. You know, like, that whole, like, vibe just like, ooh. Like, he's on meth, and he was fucking doing it in there. He's like, you want some meth? I'm like, no. He's like, ooh, like he's on meth and he was fucking doing it in there. He's like, you want some meth? I'm like, no. He's like, dude, you don't want to sleep.

He's like, you don't want to sleep. He's like, it's about to fuck. We're fighting tonight. And he's getting hyped up, sitting up on this little like wheel well in there. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I'm sitting there. My friend Casey's sitting there. And there's two like Mexican like grandpas. They there's two, like, Mexican, like, grandpas.

They're just, like, you know, Mexican, like, worker guys. And the one guy is crying. And I go, why is he crying? And he goes, he goes, because he's been to Mexican prison before. And I, dude, so then I go, then I go, dude, how more can you scare a person? Dude, there's no, it's like at that threshold. I start crying. Tears start welling up.

He goes, oh. He was like, homie. Because he later became my friend after stealing my cell phone. But he told me he was hiding from a murderer down in Tijuana. Right? So he's like, I killed someone. I'm down here. And he was like, oh, man. He's like, oh, I killed someone. I'm down here. And he was like, oh, man.

He's like, dude, it's on. And then I started crying. He goes, oh, tears? Off now. No tears. And I stopped. He goes, dude, you don't. No, no, no.

And I was like, OK. Then my phone goes, ring. It's like an old Nokia. It goes, beep, beep. And he goes, what's that? It was my dad. But I couldn't hear him. And it was like a like an old nokia goes he goes what's that it was my dad but i couldn't hear him and it was like such a mind fuck because it's not like you're in iraq he's right there he's right there there's san diego so i'm in the back of this dark fucking thing and he goes hey i need that

phone dude right away here you go bro i'm not bro my new buddy needs a phone people always wonder i can get you a landline too if you need it people people go like what would i would be like in prison i now know dude a bitch dude here you go here's my phone dude like just like here you go bro so i like whatever i gotta do to survive here you know so he takes my phone he puts it in and then he goes then the the other mexican guys are starting to speak in spanish and then he goes, oh, they said something funny. And I go, what do they say that's funny? And he goes, they said your friend looks like Bruce Lee.

And they want to fight him, dude. So my friends have Japanese fucking gay, you know, artist. You know, and so am I. You know, like just like two little artists down there. And I'm like, Casey, dude, they think you look like bruce lee dude and he's just like frozen i'm like oh my god dude like what the fuck you know and so then the one guy starts throwing up in the back of the car great all over all of us dude just no one the tweaker dude's just like oh shit like he's loving everything don't you wish you could be him in that situation?

He's like, oh, wee. Like, we kept saying, we're fighting tonight, dude. We're fighting tonight, dude. He's like, oh. And so he's just like, he's just perched ready. That's what he was built for. Yeah. It's like you might do a big stand-up show like, woo.

We got 1,200 out there. Woo-wee. He's like, yeah. Because he's probably walking around in fucking L.A. So we're trying to get a job, like, not fitting in. But, dude, he is at what God made him for, dude. He's a warrior. And we are, dude, he looked at me, I'll never forget, when he was like, oh, you never met a Mexican. He was, like, excited.

Like, oh, you've never done stand-up before. Oh, it's wild. Like, he was, we are fighting tonight never done stand-up before. Oh, it's wild. Oh, you about to have a good time tonight. We are fighting tonight. He kept saying, dude. We are fighting tonight. Just tweaking with all this. And also, are you scared that you're going to have to take your shirt off once you get in there?

Oh, bro, I'm going to be the chick getting ran. Oh, my gosh. That was one of a hundred thoughts. That was one of a hundred thoughts, bro. That was a floating thought. That like oh yeah that of course of course they're gonna be coming on my tits like oh god episode 39 was a special one anytime joey diaz comes on as a special one and this is a joey diaz episode for the ages um you know i have a nun in my i had a nun in my family rest in peace sister carmina but uh joey and she was a good lady a good woman a good nun uh but joey diaz had an encounter with

a lady who wasn't such a good nun and he had to fight her he had to fight her this is that story everybody had a green thing that if you fuck with me i'll kill you like bruce lee in fist of fury so i myself put one of those things on my chain my mom couldn't figure out what it was but my revenge was for that fucking nun like i made a decision paddled you the one she abused me she poured milk on my head like she did all this shit so what happened was we're in the 5th grade I don't know what class it is she was teaching

cause you have like a new teacher coming every hour to teach you a certain subject this dirty bitch coming in and I'm looking at these fucking Bravo brothers and they're crying but at that time I knew Nino And I'm looking at these fucking Bravo brothers, and they're crying. But at that time, I knew Nino had gotten fucked in the ass,

and we had already had a plan to take down Lazarito. Me and the Rubero brothers and a bunch of guys were going to wait until he was sleeping and put like a pillowcase on his head and just beat him with everything we had because he did this to this kid. And their mom was having a kid. They were twins, but the mom was in labor. And they asked, they were crying, and they asked Sister Heisen if they could call the hospital. The phone was fucking 30 feet from the classroom, a pay phone.

And Sister Heist said, no, wait until after the class. And they're like, but our mommy's in bad shape. We want to make sure and call. And she goes, what did I just tell you? You know, I just told you to fucking. And at that time, I was already starting to hate her. And I was already starting to get that attitude from 148th Street. I was running it down. And I looked at them

straight in the face and I go, fuck her. With a little bit of a volley to it. It was like April and I go, fuck her. I go, you know what, man? Your mother and your father worked really hard for you to come here. You know, I go, Jesus don't pay for the

bills here. Your parents do. Like, I was already that hip. I go, Jesus don't pay for the bills here. Your parents do. Like, I was already that hip. I go, get up and go make that fucking phone call. I'll get up with you. And she looked right at me. She goes, what did you say, Mr. Diaz? I'm like, I told him to go make that phone call. That mom's hurting, man.

Who the hell are you? And she goes, all three of you just get up and wait for us after class. And that pretty much meant she was going to fucking light you up after class. And you have like five minutes to get in between from class to class. So I don't know if the other teacher came. I don't remember exactly what it was. But I remember we waited in the hallway for class to finish, and then she came up, and the two kids were still crying,

and their mom, you know. And she's like, stop crying. You know, what, how many times am I going to tell you? And what, are you going to have your attorney, Jose, stick up for you or something like that? Oh, you're talking about you, yeah. Yeah, and I go, listen, man, I just told them the truth. Their mom's fucking, you know, and she goes, shut up. And she, like, smacked me.

And then she pulled Raphael's hair and just started violently smacking him. And then Nino, she started smacking him. I wrote a joke about that I pushed Nino. And no, she just attacked Nino and Raphael. And I'm like, I don't know what I said. Is this necessary? I mean, what the fuck is going on? These two kids' moms are in the fucking hospital,

and you're beating them up because they asked you? It's expensive to come to this fucking private school. So then she turned her attention on me, and she goes, what did you have to say in there? And she bit her tongue, and she just started reaching for me, smacking me. But I was done with it. In that school, they had a thing. If they smacked you, you had to put your hands down.

Oh, and take it? And take it. And just like my mother at the house, my mother had you have to put your hands down. Oh, and take it? And take it. And just like my mother at the house. My mother had a rule. Put your hand down. Put your fucking hand down or I'll burn that fucking thing. So I would this particular day, I put my hands up.

And she goes, put your hands down. I'm not putting them down. And she would bite her tongue. And she'd go, put them down. Put them down. And she kept pounding me. And I kept standing on my ground like, I'm not going to fucking put him down. And then she grabbed me by the hair, and she goes, get into the utility closet. And it was well known that in the utility closet is where they bloody jump.

Like, they bloody jump in there. Like, that's where they close the door, and then she started smacking you, and she'd hit you with books, she'd knee you, whatever she could do. And I went to the utility, and on the walk to the utility closet, I said, this is not going to happen to me today. I was 10 years old. I knew where I came from. My mom was a tough bitch.

My mom wouldn't accept this. I go, I'm not, today, I'm not letting this nun beat me up. And we went into the utility closet. I walked in first, and she closed the door, but it never shut. And she threw me against the wall, and she just started violently smacking me. You put your hand. I kept putting my hands up, and I could feel the blood coming from my lip. And once I tasted that blood, like Bruce Lee.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. The Cuban connection. I looked at her. I looked at her and I said, I'm going to go for this bitch. I was pretty proficient in karate. You were fifth grade? Fifth grade.

I was a purple belt in karate at La Ronjo, whatever's father's school, Mr. Black on 98th Street. I was great with kicks. I had really good kicks. My hands were kind of weak, but I was a pussy. I was scared to fight. I was scared to get hit. But I was getting the hang of it.

And I said, today this is not going to happen. And in the middle of her smacking me, I just grabbed her. And I'll never forget, it was like metal shells that had notebooks on it and like all school utensils. And I pushed her with her back in the middle of one of the things that was sticking out. So when I pushed her, I hit her hard. And she goes, what are you doing?

And I go, you're not going to hit me today. You know, not today. And I think I smacked her or whatever once or twice. Like, I was crazy. And then she went to push me, but she fell into a fucking headlock. So this bitch had me, like, by 50 pounds, 60 pounds, maybe 100 pounds. She was a big, fat bitch. And I had her by the fucking head and I knew that I

couldn't let go. I knew that either if I let go, I had to run for that door. Hell yeah, man. So I'm holding on to her and she can't get out of this headlock. And I'm squeezing her. I don't have it under the chin like I had it.

It was a cabide. I knew nothing about choking people or nothing I just knew about fear what it was to be a scared little boy and I just grabbed her my adrenaline must have been pumping because she kept saying you're gonna you're gonna kill me you're gonna kill me and I'm like fuck it you're dying today I'm like I didn't give a fuck you know I kept squeezing and then I turned her around and she fucking kept in the headlock. She could not. I don't know how I had her.

Like, I had her. I was holding on to, like, a fucking thing. By this point, her veil had come off. The habit and shit's all over. Everything came off. My heart's pumping. You know, my heart was fucking beating to death. I'll bet, yeah.

And I got to open the door, and the kids were exiting the class. So now they're looking at this. They just like, oh! And I'm grabbing them. I'm like, get help! Get the fucking Rubero brothers! We gotta go to work here! I'm running out of time! You know what I'm saying? The ship is fucking sinking! And I knew that I had to.

I knew I was just gonna run out of there and keep running. That was my plan. To just run out of there and keep running, get to a pay phone, call my mother at the bar in Union City, which is about 20 minutes away. That was the plan. That was the fucking plan, to run out of there, guys. I swear to God.

And as I came out, these are New York City kids. This ain't fucking California, people. This ain't kids. These are fucking suburb-raised kids that are crazy. So what do they start doing? They start clapping. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Now I got to kill it.

Now I got to kill it. Now I got to kill it. I can't pussy out in front of these guys. I'm representing 148th Street. And I'm representing Union City. I can't pussy out in front of these guys. I'm representing 148th Street. And I'm representing Union City. I'm representing 88th Street. How am I going to pussy out? They're yelling,

Coco, Coco. I live my life comfortably. Episode 49, Josh Wolf and I discussed my heavy rotation of jeans, sweats, and night pants. And I want you all to know that i am going to make

night pants a reality i'm trying i'm trying to find a place that'll do it affordable all right nobody wants to pay 55 for some motherfucking night pants all right they're supposed to be comfortable not supposed to be stressing about how much you pay for these comfortable pants you know what i'm saying uh but that's it man night pants they're night pants call whatever you call them you call them pajamas you call them loungewear call them whatever the fuck you want you guys go i seen you go get gas in them i see you run errands in it you're all dropping your kids off they're night pants they're night pants check this clip out genos are back now though are they they are i mean not on my body no they are i'm sweats and i'm listen this is the this i i roll three things hit me jeans yep sweats night pants

that's it that's my that's my whole trifecta is night pants a superhero who's night pants night pants night pants what are night pants man you know people you all call them pajama pants or whatever they're night pants that you wear them at night no man first of all i'll tell you how many people in the world call pajamas night pants. One. Because when you said night pants, I thought you meant like pants that if you had your lady, you'd go out at night with these night pants.

You know what I mean? They're my slacks. Wait, okay. You know what I call those, by the way? Honestly, I'll always tell my wife. I'm like, I need a new pair of fancy pants. I call them fancy. I like pants. I call them fancy. I like that. I call them fancy pants.

But I'm going to need a little. My heavy rotation is jeans, sweats, night pants. That's my heavy rotation. By the way, that sounds like a progression of age. You know what I mean? When those night pants become day pants, it's over, brother. Okay? When you start hearing me call them day pants.

This is right. Yeah, when you're rocking night pants all 24-7, yeah, you're comfortable. Let me ask you. I've got to ask one more question. Yes, please. Give me a definition real quick between slacks and chinos. I feel like chinos these days are much more,'re modern they're uh better quality they're built better they look like they're like khakis they're like yeah yeah like a khaki material and a better

like a better feel and fit and then slacks of that old school that hard crease right there you know what i mean the bottom it triangled out and shit you know pleats memory pleats pleats bro they're slacks they're not doing pleats anymore no no but you don't hear slacks anymore no you don't but i'll tell you what you know the one thing about those slacks is i could never figure out how to hang them because the crease you know what you got to go with the you got to go with the scene yeah yeah you gotta go with hard man hard i'll tell you something though night pants i got a whole line of them I challenge any of your listeners to make

some sort of cartoon or animation of Captain Nightpants that's going to be my animated series in Netflix yo Captain Nightpants never gets off the couch he solves crime from his living room I'm right there

he solves crime I'm going out back to Georgia Georgia joint and saw him just murder. Nine pounds. This last clip here, this last low light is, it's the highlight for me of this year. Tony Hinchcliffe came on episode 44 and just opened up about a story that I don't think he's ever shared before. And the whole story is that his biological dad ends up living down the damn street.

He's right down the damn street. And we had a moment about it. And it's one of my, it's my favorite moment, I think, for the honeydew is sitting and laughing at someone's pain. And I'm super appreciative that he came on and shared it. And I'm so glad he laughed just as hard as I did with me. I'll tell you, the laughter is different when it comes from a deep place. And I love Tony and I love that he let me take this shot.

And I hope you enjoy it too. Check it out. All right. That's what i want to ask you so your mom has you yeah she's in youngstown and where's your dad also in youngstown or yes here's what's crazy is that yes my dad was in youngstown but this is where things get really messed up because my mom actually lied to me and told me that and she got the siblings to go in on it with her and she told me that my dad worked a lot and

he worked out of town. I think they said he was a truck driver, something to like let my little boy imagination run wild with a rationalize why he only visits like once every when I was a little baby. I remember he was there a lot. This is also what they remind me of. And then as I got like, I don't know, maybe two or three, maybe it was like once a month and then it was like you know once every couple months and it sort of spread out so when I was young they told me like oh you know his you know they gave me a fake last name they're like oh his name's Joe Smith and you know he works a lot and blah blah blah is your his Hinchcliffe his name no no Hinchcliffe is the first guy's name because my mom wanted me to have the same name as my older brothers and sisters because that's like our family you know

how like trashy families are like we stick together no matter what so we're not half brothers and sisters we're real brothers and sisters say it again like it's like normal super trash shit so Hinchcliffe is the guy that was leaving when your dad will come over and make spaghetti and fuck your mom oh yeah absolutely that's who you're named after I'm named after that fucking idiot hey I love that there's

spaghetti in the fridge and your pussy smells like pasta this is incredible so you all have the last name Hinchcliffe yeah are you close with your dad's kids from that marriage well by sort of like crazy coincidences and stories yes i ended up getting close with them not one of them but the other one yes i think that the i think that the son from that side has an issue, like a jealousy issue.

Do they know who you are and what you do? I mean, it's kind of hard to hide at this point. They do. They do now. It's sort of crazy because, well, let me just tell you the rest of the story so that you can understand. My mom told me that that was the story. My dad travels a lot. My dad works a lot.

Then I think it was either, I don't know, first, second, no later than third grade. I was on the school bus one day and I noticed that across the street from my one buddy's house who we were picking up, I looked across the street and in the driveway was this, you know, white, I think it was a Bronco or a Ford something, but whatever it was, pretty sure it was a Bronco. And I would see this white Bronco and it looked a lot like the car that my dad would drive when he would come and visit. You know, I'd always be waiting for him and he'd always be late. So like this arrival of him coming to see me was always a really big deal. And, and I noticed this car across from my buddy's house.

And then I noticed it again and I noticed it again. So I took mental note of it and the license plate. And next time my dad came and visited, I matched it up. How old do you think you are at this point? Again, this is like no later than, I mean, second or third grade. I'd say nine, ten. That's really good. Okay.

Right around then. And yeah, they were very shocked when what happened happened, which is after my dad left that next time after I matched it up, I mentioned to my mom, I go, hey, I noticed that dad's car is in this one house's driveway a lot when we pick up you know jeff lewis on the school bus it was that close yeah literally right across the street and well from my buddy who was yes but blocks away seven eight blocks away exactly same bus same school and my mom like turned pale white and she sat me down, and she told me everything then.

She decided to stop the lies then and break down everything to this 10-year-old boy. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. That's how someone like me gets made. You're wondering, like, whoa, what the fuck's wrong with him? There it is.

Horrible, horrible. The worst kind of childhood trauma. You just find out that your mom, who's horrible, horrible, the worst kind of childhood trauma. You just find out that your mom who's been raising you has been lying to you for 10 years about who made you and how you were made. And the fact that, you know, you don't have a normal life at all and you're a super bastard and you're not even related. You're completely related to your brothers and sisters and all this crazy stuff. And that's when you also find out then that your dad has this other wife and family or other woman in family or whatever. Two kids and a wife and they're old school Italians, so they don't want to get divorced.

And where do those kids go to school? They were much older, too. They had already grown up and actually they went to the same high school that I went to, but they were there like, I don't know, 12, 14 years before that. How old was your mom when she had you? She was 38 when she had me. Okay. Yeah.

So in her 20s, obviously, young 20s when she had your other siblings. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So what happens when you hear this? Well, I mean, it was very traumatizing. There was a lot to it. She ended up calling him.

He ended up coming back and this and that. And we have like, I'll walk over. Right. Oh, my God. It is so funny oh my god oh it hurts it's hurting the back of my spinal cord right now that is like one of the greatest jokes i've ever heard in my life. Oh my God, that's so funny. I'll walk over. Yeah, he was right fucking there the whole time, this asshole. And there it is.

Those are the highlights of the lowlights here on the Honeydew Podcast. Thank you all again for all your support this year. I look forward to more and more doers joining. Make sure you're over there on that Your Mom's House YouTube page. Subscribe there. You got so much great content. more doers joining uh make sure you're over there on that your mom's house youtube page subscribe there you got so much great content this studio has already grown so much in in a matter of months and there's more and more coming so thank you all for uh listening uh we're hitting 2020 y'all 20 motherfucking 20 okay it's about to get real so have a safe and happy new year and we'll talk

to y' all next week.