The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Ian Fidance - HoneyFidance

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Ian Fidance! (Being Ian w/ Jordan, Bi Guys Podcast) Ian Highlights the Lowlights of losing his father at 8 years old, and the hole that left moving forward. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Betterhelp -The HoneyDew is sponsored by BetterHelp, get 10% off your first month at https://www.Betterhelp.com/HONEYDEW Mindbloom -Get $100 off your first six sessions when you go to https://www.Mindbloom.com/podcast/honeydew

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com and ryansickler on all your social media. And again, look, you know I love what I do. Thank God I'm still here, and I can't thank you guys enough for all your support. So please hit that subscribe on the YouTube channel. Keep watching.

Keep telling everybody. We're doing something important over here, all right? And if you have to have more, then you've got to check out the Patreon. I know I say it every week here, but I think it every week on that show. What are we going to hear that's different from last week? And every week, y'all fucking bring the heat. So it's called the honeydew of y'all. It's your stories. And they're the wildest fucking stories of anything I've ever heard in my life. It's only five bucks a month. And if you sign up for a year now, you'll get over a month free.

You get the honeydew a day early. You get it ad free and you get it at no additional cost. All right. And if you're looking for a new podcast to listen to, then go listen to my old podcast, The Crab Feast. Yeah, I'm promoting an old podcast. It's a seven and a half year library. And if you listen to two episodes a week, still going to take you three years to get through it. OK, so go listen,

subscribe. It's a great storytelling podcast, and that's the biz here. Now, you guys know what we're doing over here. I always say we highlight the lowlights, and these are the stories behind the storytellers. I am very excited to have this guest on today. First time here on The Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ian Fidance. Welcome to the Honeydew, Ian. Thank you for having me, brother. I'm excited to be here. Dude, how about the walk up outside? That was, it could not have been planned better.

If someone wrote that in the script, we're like, this is too, nah, this is too. It was insane. And also, I didn't see, you were behind a tree. Yeah, I was yelling for you. So you just appeared. You just appeared out of nowhere. I get out of my car you were behind a tree. Yeah, I was yelling for you. So you just appeared. You just appeared out of nowhere. I get out of my car. I get a cane.

You come up. You get a cane. I'm on right hand. You're on left hand. You get a joint. I get a cigarette. I'm like, is this a- Sunglasses, regular glasses.

Yeah, I know. I mean, the drinks, Chick-fil-A, Starbucks, dude. It is just a mirror. It was unbelievable. It was incredible. The inverse Ian. It was unbelievable. It was incredible. The Inverse Ian. It was wild. It was awesome. It was like inside out parallel universe.

I fucking loved it. Totally. It was amazing. Well, thank you very much for being here. I'm glad you're doing well after that. But before we get into whatever we're going to talk about, plug, promote, everything you'd like. Please. You can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Twitch.

iAnimal69, IanFidance.com for all my dates. And I have a great podcast, Be an Ian with Jordan. My best friend Jordan Jensen and I, she's a great comic. We have brain parasites and are just rat-brained and ADHD, and it's a lot of fun. And I also have Bye Guys on Gas Digital with me and Zach Amico. And, yeah, I got a lot of dates coming up. I'm super excited. I'm on the road every weekend until, like, June,

and I'm shooting a special in New York City. Fuck yeah, good for you. And i can't fucking wait well also i want to uh throw out a congrats to you because you just sold out the hollywood improv on sunday night and that's a fucking that's huge yeah thanks i said it feels it feels incredible to fly into a major city a major city and sell out their comedy yeah it's yeah it one of their comedy clubs. It was truly magical, man. It was amazing. I got a standing ovation at the end and I had the mic

in the crowd and we're doing a sing-along to one of my favorite hardcore bands. I'm like, in my head, I'm like, should I stage dive?

Should I just, you know, and I fall on this 23-year-old, like, Instagram model. I'm like, okay,

never mind. Good for you. Yeah, it was really neat and my good buddies were there and it was just such a, you know, was really neat and my my good buddies were there and it was just such a you know to be able to put my friends on the show and make it like such a fun hang was like so cool you know and i love watching my friends do stand up and have a good time and so

i i yeah i appreciate that thank you ryan yeah good for you it was great it was those are the good times let's talk about the shit show. Let's get into it. Let's go. Well, so just outside talking to you, I found out you're from Delaware. Delaware. There are not a lot of Delawareans that really come out of there so much. I know there's Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey Plaza.

Delaware. A little guy named Joey Bides. Biden's a little Delaware guy. Yeah. I know there's a few. Dirty Dick. Dirty Dick Delaware doozyzy that's what i am dog you know uh-huh so tell me about your world what's it like growing up uh as ian in delaware man i don't know man it's it's it's just a same place as everywhere else you know you find your

own fun you do your own thing and then you leave as soon as you can. But I mean specifically for you. Your mom and dad are married at the time. You're living in Delaware. That's where you're born? Yeah, yeah. Born and raised in Delaware. And the place where I was baptized is the same place where my parents got married and where we had my dad's funeral. And it was- Now you talk about full circle. Yeah, right? It really is. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Are you an only child? I'm an only child in Delaware. Mom and dad, amazing family. My childhood was like, so idyllic. My dad would come home from work. I'd run out of the house. The dog would run around. My mom would be at the door. He'd come home. He was all-time quarterback. All the

kids would play football at my house, snow days. He's everybody in the neighborhood loved John. What did he do for a living? He was a train inspector for CSX. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. And so I lived in Delaware and he would drive back and forth to Philly every day for work. I lived in Delaware and he would drive back and forth to Philly every day for work. And it's full circle. Again, I started comedy in Philly and every night I'm driving back and forth from Delaware, except he was coming from a family's house with a wife and a kid.

And I'm literally coming from a halfway house because I burned my life down driving to and from Delaware. My dad's making a living supporting his family. my life down driving to and from Delaware. My dad's making a living supporting his family. I'm doing open mics for free paying 400 bucks a week. Cause I'm living in a fucking halfway house. It was a little different, Ryan, a little different,

you know, I'm just like my dad, man. You know? Yeah. And the halfway house I lived in was directly across the street from the bowling alley. My mom threw me my surprise 18th birthday party. And I'm just like, how did I get here?

At 18, I'm going to college. Friendship, you know? How did I get over here? I'm like, I wish instead of a bowling ball, it was a crystal ball, you know, for me to just like, you know? Okay. I'm talking a 40 foot walk yeah i'm i'm in the halfway house i gotta be home by 10 p.m because i'm on curfew you know and i'm getting my chores done i'm out on the porch smoking cigarettes next to a pagan meth dealer and i'm looking like where did i? You know? It's fucking gnarly. But that's Delaware, baby.

That's Delaware. He said it's just like growing up everywhere else. Yeah. You know, we all get this test every week. You know, a little Delaware stuff. That's like. Yeah. Okay, let's go back to childhood.

Yeah. All right. okay let's go back to childhood yeah all right um now you i you sent your bullet points in so you lose your dad at eight your dad dies when you're eight how does your dad pass away uh he died in an accident work on the train yard no yeah how do you mind talking about it um or at least you don't have to get like specific but yeah was he run over was no no there was there was i mean it's so funny with these trains arraignments everyone's talking about safety regulations and it's like man shit happens and then change is made you know my my dad died and then afterwards they were like oh maybe we should put some safety regulations on this you know and the funny thing is where he died in philly is now an ikea

no so i you know to go see where he died i have to be like hey you tell me how to put together a couch how do you put together a broken family you know anyone i can help you know but uh matter of fact dude i headlined the philly punchline it was amazing all my guys i started with in philly came and you know i i sold well it was like an old boy comes home you know it's a fun club yeah and we went to ihop on a sunday and i got to like buy breakfast i was like man and then i'm putting it together i go oh my god i walk from this IHOP to where my dad died. This is crazy. It was like such a moment of like things coming together.

And I didn't, I went, I didn't cry. I didn't, no sad. Dude, I went, I laughed. I talked to him. Bought three futons. Bought three futons. I brought over eggs for him. I brought over moons on my hammy you know and uh dude i got shot with these memories because i saw the big like warehouse

because he they i remember like take your kid to work day and he like brought me up and dude i got this vision of us pulling up in the truck getting out me going seeing going, seeing his locker. And I saw the building, it's all like dilapidated, you know, and it was, it was just such a fucking, I don't know, it was a really, a friend asked me and they go, how does that make you feel? Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And, and honestly, man, and this is, you know, like comedy's great, this and that cool, awesome. But the thing i'm most proud of man is is they go how's that make you feel and i go at peace and that is such an amazing achievement because i spent it's coming up on three decades 30 years on may 20th and i spent so long in like

anger and sadness and loss and uh man to come back and have all those things lining up it was just beautiful i i got no other feeling but but gratitude and happiness yeah you know which i never thought i would get and i'll tell you what if you don't get there it doesn't line up like that either because you don't see it yeah you're just looking through a different filter of anger and rage yeah and and also i was the same way too like i didn't even realize sometimes how angry i was and i'm like oh yo you think that's just normal in my family you know i mean that's normal shit i didn't know that yeah well dude alcohol like blew my life up but i'm like thankful for it because getting to the bottom of a bottle i could finally be like sad and release

emotion and like that i would get drunk and like yell at him in the sky and access this thing and dude talk about anger i used to i was like such an angry dry would just go up and like slap drinks out of people's hands for no reason trying to fight like come on hit me like dude insane insane insane behavior oh yeah i did do you know how many times i've cartoonishly gotten thrown out Like, come on, hit me. Like, dude, insane. Insane. Insane behavior. You get killed. Oh, yeah, I did. Do you know how many times I've cartoonishly gotten thrown out of a bar, like the old heave-ho by the bouncers, you know? Just for slapping drinks and shit.

Oh, dude, I just visions. Right now, visions of just a fist coming at my face from a bouncer. And I'm like, I deserved it. Yeah, it's fucking crazy all right wait i want to take you back to a time that might be uncomfortable for you but you're eight years old how do you find out that your dad has died man well this is a trip so strap in you bring your passport because we're going on a journey. My dad and I were best friends.

I mean, this guy was my guy. There was a connection there that, again, man, I knew him for eight years, and we were closer in that than friends of mine that had their dad their whole life. I got friends that have dads. They might as well be dead. And this guy, man, when I was born, I was in the hospital for 30 days. I had jaundice. I was on this machine.

I was in the incubator. He wrote me a letter every day that I didn't see until I was in my 20s. No. Yeah. And before he would leave. Oh, God. Yeah, bro. That day had to be. Yeah, bro every day before he left for work he'd write me a note on a legal pad just me write a note to me and my mom and you know make jokes and everything and like talk about the day before or whatever and how he's

excited about the weekend this and that every day before he went to work i have stacks of these letters and um he and i were just so to work, I have stacks of these letters. And he and I were just so close, man. We would have guys weekend at the beach where it was like he and I would just go to the beach in Rehoboth, Delaware. And the last day we'd wake up to watch a sunrise over the beach. And we were always incredibly close. And the way I would get out of trouble when I was younger is I would imitate him. I would make him laugh. And then he couldn't be mad. That's what my fucking daughter does to me now. She imitates her mom.

I go, what do I do? And she goes, you go, get to bed. And I go, oh, I started laughing so hard. I go, I do fucking clap. I go, let's go. Let's go. Yeah. Yep.

Yep. And I don't even see it. I started laughing. So I go, you're lucky. Let's go. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And I don't even see it. I started laughing. So I go, you're lucky I do that. Yep. Yep. I would just, I would go at dinner, I would go, damn it, boy. He would just crack up, you know?

Yeah. And so he and I, we were fucking synced up, locked in, right? And so the day before he died, my aunt died. My great aunt, my aunt's sis. So it was his aunt. And we had just reconnected with that part of his family because his dad was a bad alcoholic. And he told his dad, he said, look, you're not meeting my son to get your life together so i

didn't meet my grandfather until i was like seven a couple months before he died and i sat on his lap and this guy was so beat up from like alcohol and drugs i sit on his lap and the first thing i said i go pop up are you a robber but uh as a matter of fact when that dude was dying in the hospital i'll never forget this we me my dad and my grandpops like brothers and everything we were all in the room he's in the bed and he was and he couldn't talk and he just like mumbled something and all of us just broke down laughing i just remember like that moment of like laughter brought these finance men together, you know, that was like really cool. And so we connected with his side of the family and the day before my dad died, my aunt sis died. So we're all, you know, at the house talking and uh really i don't mean to interrupt but your great aunt dying the day before your father is that your first experience with death no no my grandfather my dad's dad died in like 91 how old were you then uh six man so you're getting it six seven eight that's bang

bang yeah but i but i i saw that was like i only saw my dad cry two times when he was when his dad died and uh when he had knee surgery and i just heard him on the steps going down the steps because he was like in such pain you know but uh he so yeah my my aunt sis died we're all at the house and house. And from a young age, dark humor and gallows humor was what got us through. And we're laughing because my dad's like, boy, you better hope I go before your mom. Because if not, you're in for a world of hurt. Because my mom was very coddle, and my dad was the strict. had like these like rule and i loved it i loved the the discipline and like you know like bedtimes and like rules you know i i work better on structure

and i've you know after he died i never had it yeah and uh you know we're all laughing about that and everything and the next morning i uh i i wake up and it's like 4.30 in the morning. He's getting ready for work. And I go to the bathroom. I go, dad, don't go to work today. Stay home with me. I'll take off from school. Please don't go to work.

And I'm hugging his leg, begging him not to go to work. And he's going, no, no, no. I go, something bad's gonna happen. He goes, you're just upset. You said this. Yeah. You're just upset that Aunt Sis died. It's okay.

Tuck me into bed. He goes, I'll upset that Aunt Sis died. It's okay. Tucked me into bed. He goes, I'll pick you up after school. We have baseball. You know, I love you. And we kiss goodbye. And then I go to sleep. And I have a dream that he died. Are you fucking?

I swear to God. You said something bad's going to happen. Then you go to bed and you have a dream about this. I dream he dies. Do you remember the dream? Do you remember how in the dream? I just remember him dying. Okay.

And I was very like, I loved God when I was younger. Like I wanted to be a priest, you know? Well, you really love God. Oh, yeah. Bro, my parents gave me like a cartoon picture Bible and to punish me, they'd take it away. Like it was, you know, like I used to get picked on and my dad was like, you got to fight these kids back.

And I'm like, but Jesus, you turned me into a jeep. You know? Yeah. Like, total. Take that fucking gun. Total gay boy for God, dude. For God. So.

I'm gay for God. Dude, I was so gay for God. That's great, dude. It was out of control, man. Like, Jesus. You better make that t-shirt or something. I'm gay for God. Yeah. Yeah, dude. out of control man like jesus you better make that t-shirt okay for god yeah yeah dude it's a big it's gonna be a big seller in the midwest oh yeah oh yeah oh shit i uh i was gay for god and i dreamt he died and i woke up and i remember sitting up and going oh

my god thank god it was a dream. My dad would never die. God would never let that happen to my family. And that morning, I don't remember this, but my mom says that morning he kept calling the house to check in and make us laugh. My mom was like, you're going to get fired. We're not going to have any money to live. You better go. Get back to work.

And he just kept calling i love you guys i love you and then uh i had that dream i said god would never let that happen to my family and uh i went to school and i'm going to the bathroom early in the morning and this girl stops me a grade younger than me my mom was a teacher's aid at my school okay and so i was in second grade my mom was a teacher's aid in first grade and this first grader comes up to me when i'm going to the bathroom she goes are you ian finance i go yeah and she goes your mom had to leave school because your dad got in an accident that's how you found out i i just knew they said accident I just knew

and I started just wailing and a teacher had to come up and go no no no your mom your aunt sis died so your dad was just feeling upset so everybody's at your aunt sis' house

it's okay and I'm like uh huh and then I go back to class and there's an announcement over the speaker, Ian Fidance, please report to the main office. And I fucking knew. I fucking knew. And I tried so hard to posture and like I put my Philly's hat on backwards. And I was like, I get to leave. Have fun in school. You know, just making it was like, I get to leave, have fun in school, you know, just making it out like I'm the lucky one, you know? And, uh, you know, my, my mom and

my grandfather were there. And in the morning that day, it was like, so sunny. And then when I go out to school, it was just cloudy drizzle. It was wild. So I go to the car and my grandfather, we got him a shirt that said, help, I can't like help. I'm talking and I can't shut up. Like he was just, I love him. He was the best storyteller always running his mouth. You know, his name's Poppy.

You know, we called him, he was in the car and my mom was, and it was the first time he'd ever been quiet. One second. Yeah. I'll pause you there. Kirsten's giving me a note that says, careful with your rings on the table. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, and I'm sorry to stop you right there.

Oh, God. Sorry. But remember, we're talking about Poppy and we're going to start. You don't have to take them off. No, no, no. Sorry, sorry. You're fine. Okay, I'm putting them back on.

Sorry, I hate to interrupt you. Okay. No, you didn't. Oh, God god this is worse than when my dad died i'm gonna do tragedy you better keep that part in you better keep it all keep it all so uh i just want to say this too this is really fucking hitting me because my daughter's eight and i can't and i did almost die and i can't imagine her yeah getting this news at any age but this is this is you and and and you have such a vivid memory of all this that i know she wouldn't it terrifies me yeah um please your grandfather

uh so on the way home he molested me could? Oh, my God. That was the first time he got molested. That was about to be holy. Poppy, more like pop me. Oh, my God. So anyway, my father's dead. So we are. So mom and grandpa. We get in the car and we go home.

Are they telling you anything? There's just nothing. We'll talk when we get home. And when I was a kid, I was a little bit of a whiny baby. And they would say, do you need a cry rag? Because I would cry a lot. And when I would act like a girl, they would call me Ionetta, which kind of explains some things.

But my mom goes, we need to get a cry rag. Okay. So we go in the living room. act like a girl they would call me ianetta which kind of you know explains some things but uh my mom goes we need to get a cry rag yeah okay so we go in the living room she sits me down she goes there was an accident at work today and your daddy died and i just remembered screaming just screaming and i couldn't stop screaming and um yeah and then now you've got your aunt dead your dad's dead i mean what happens what do you do next i mean are you out of school for a while the family comes over and you just sit in silence because no one knows what to say because it's especially to a fucking eight because it's a fucking tragedy and then everybody grabs you and goes well he's in a better place your dad's with you now forever and i'm like are you a better fucking place we

were just having catch yesterday fuck you are you kidding me i'll be there for you forever just and then everyone disappears yeah you know nobody knows how to deal with a 40 year old grieving mother and an eight-year-old boy that's had the most cataclysmic traumatic thing happen and then you see when you get upset everyone around you gets upset so you go oh don't get upset i'm making the adults cry so you just fucking fake it till you make it yeah you know um how does your relationship with your mom change you guys do you get super close now or you said i mean now we are now i mean then like at eight do you remember like are you pushing back well how do you mean dude this woman is such a fucking because it's just you angel fucking human of just like that woman did everything

she possibly humanly could to make my life okay and to try to give me as best a normal life as possible and uh you know she just i i i'm forever indebted to who she is as a person as a mother and um just she's she's an amazing person but But, you know, look, it is what it is. She lost it, you know. She did. And it was a thing of, you know, we never really talked about it because it was so hard. And, dude, I'll never forget, man. Again, like, and this goes back into the alcohol thing about finally let me feel emotion because

uh you know we're at the we're at the the viewing and you know the police had to show up there was like a huge fucking dust up you know my mom at the funeral had to get taken out on an ambulance she passed it was like a fucking shit show it was a fucking shit show i'm whatever and so i i'll never forget i i close this casket and they deprive my fingers off it i'm screaming they throw me in the car and we're driving to my grandparents house and i'm just wailing i i didn't have the vocabulary or anything to process or put. The only thing I knew to do was just gutturally yell. And dude, my uncle fucking slammed the car brakes and was like, shut the fuck up.

Stop screaming. Stop screaming. Stop crying. And he did it. Dude, I know right where it is off Union Ave and Wilmington, Delaware, going to fucking Delaware Ave. There's a turn and there's a train track. And he stopped right at the fucking train track. I was about to say.

And he goes, shut the fuck up. And I'm like, if this is not a sign, you know, like, could you pick a different place? Uncle Bill, you fucking dickhead you know oh i mean are you kidding me what are we doing you know what is happening oh my god yeah bro so who if anyone then becomes your male influence in life does your mom remarry it's your grandfather he stepped up and i mean and the thing about him man is he he had a son my uncle danny who this guy man and and i understood him once I became a drug addict and an alcoholic in a way that I wish today I could share with him. But, you know, it's hard to have that conversation when a guy blows his head off. Anyway.

Okay. So you can't have that conversation even if he'd like to. Thanks a lot lot Vietnam PTSD and again this motherfucker the only time he talks about Vietnam is when he's fucking loaded telling me what it's like to shoot a man in the face and I'm like Uncle Danny I'm fucking in my teens

what are you doing Uncle Danny this motherfucker used to get loaded and call me and tell me he's gonna kill himself while I'm playing Sonic the Hedgehog. And I'm like, Uncle Danny, I'm trying to collect the rings right now. Can you hold off? I'm going to kill myself if I don't pass this level, you know. What are you doing, bud? Sorry, my mom's on it.

Yeah, I'll be the suicide hotline. Come on. I got the phone here like uh-huh uh-huh yeah yeah yeah rope chair uh-huh you know like what the fuck danny but you know he he was in he was in vietnam at 19 fucked him up i mean i can't i can't imagine anyone that went to any war at 19 that are they're kids that aren't fucked up bro show me one person that went and saw anything like this guy that came back and i had nerve damage from ancient orange he's going around pulling his buddies bodies out you know like he was guarding weapons caches shooting guys in the head i'm like and this motherfucker you know i

mean good god i i today i can love him so much and i wish i could have this conversation with him but you know i couldn't see it at the time but he was you know he was mr promise he was i'll be there for you always and then just never never never and i never. And I get it, man. I get it. And it's so funny when I got sober later, I met his stepson, Michael, and he was telling me stories about my uncle Danny, about him and his friends would come home loaded and Danny would be just in his underwear, fucking in the bag, you know, just fucking, you know, whatever, man. And it's so funny now. Like, dude, my grandfather caught him snorting cocaine because he had to move back into my grandparents' house when he was like in his 50s, you know.

He's in his underwear snorting cocaine. And my grandfather's so innocent. Uncle Danny's like over the table. And he's like, whoa. And my grandfather comes in. He thinks he's trying to have sex with the dresser. He like didn't understand. He's like, Danny's out of control. He's like, what are you doing, Danny? Because he's like, whoa. And my grandfather comes in. He thinks he's trying to have sex with the dresser. He, like, didn't understand. He's like, Danny's out of control.

He's like, what are you doing, Danny? Because he's half naked. And God forbid my son's on coke. You know? It's just fucking out of control, man. Out of control. He's like, he's having sex. I know.

He's divorced. I mean, it was a fucking nut house. This is where you're living. You know? This is where I'm living. I'm getting shipped off to my grandparents' house. Uncle Danny's fucking addressing to a coke in the next room. I'm figuring out my body, thinking my dad's watching me.

It's a fucking recipe for disaster. All these people are like, your dad's with you forever. I'm like, it'll be great when I find jerking off in gay porn. This won't fuck me up. You know? and this won't fuck me up, you know? This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process,

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right now. I got a case of the Joey Bynes. I don't know where I am right now. No, I live five minutes away, man. So he would come over all the time. I'd go over there, you know, and, and, and God bless my mom, man. But any reminder of my dad would be an issue, you know, like you couldn't even talk about it, dude. I would, I would watch home videos cause we, we had a VHS tape, everything, whatever. And I watch his home videos and I just get so sad and we couldn't even say what it was and my mom would just go stop watching those videos you get weird

you're being weird it makes you weird it makes you have feelings yeah yeah yeah but you know god bless my mom man she's trying to protect me that's all she wanted to do was protect me you know she wanted me to be okay she saw her little boy being upset she didn't want that you know and uh you

know my my mom just cut off everyone on my dad's side the family of the life because going around was like really upsetting you know and then i would get upset right so i didn't see my dad's side of the family for like almost two decades because it would upset your mom well upset my mom but upset me which is a natural part of grieving but it was i don't want him to be upset let you know again protecting and and and i understand that now you know and and what the fuck are you supposed to do you You're fucking 40, your husband dies, you get an eight year old that's fucking nuts, you know? Like, what do you do? You try to fucking protect him as best you can. And so, you know, that's what she did. And God bless her, man. She's the fucking best. But it was, you know, I was in my cousin's

house every weekend. They were mine, you know, these, these girls were like my sisters. I was the only boy in the family. So it was all me and all the girls. And then I was raised by, you know these these girls were like my sisters i was the only boy in the family so it was all me and all the girls and then i was raised by you know women and did you i mean you're losing your best friend your father eight years old did you have anxiety about losing your mom oh yeah oh yeah dude i couldn't sleep at kids houses i would go to sleepovers and just start screaming then my mom would die and she would have to pickovers and just start screaming then my mom would die and she would have to pick me up and then like you know you're like hanging out with your friends at eight and you just start like yelling and they're like i don't want to go into that kid's

house anymore you know and uh i used to get so mad at my friends who like wouldn't who like wouldn't love their dads or would be like i hate my dad or whatever oh god that would fucking really steam me up man and uh you know yeah i constantly was afraid my mom would die you know to this day if i call and she doesn't pick up i'm like she's dead she's dead she's dead i'm calling the neighbors knocking the door you know janine get over there you know meanwhile my mom doesn't know how to work her phone good old school janine and gail i'm calling her friend eileen i'm like eileen you gotta get to the house you know meanwhile my mom's going deaf she can't hear the phone ring. I love the trio, bro. I lead, Janine. Oh, dude. She fucking had Linda, Kathy's, Shirley's.

I mean, my mom was leading the Delaware widow team, man. Because my mom hit it early. Nobody else's husbands died for like 20 more years. So when their husbands died, my mom's like, sit down. Let me tell you what it's about. You know? Yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, man, dude. What a crew. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. The Delaware's the widow. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I call it no sex in the city. It's these fucking widows running around, ripping it up, going to the pool hall, getting loaded at Stanley's. I'm home having to pick my mom up. She's three sheets of the wind. I love that. Oh, dude. The fucking best.

Have you picked her up, really? Oh, yeah, dude. Good, good. The fucking best. Dude, when I was in a bad spot, I was living in this one-bedroom addict apartment in a farmhouse in Delaware, and I'm fucking, I'm bad, man. And my mom comes over and she goes,

you know what? I've seen you do all this. Why don't you see me do it? I'm going to do what you do. And I rip her a fat gravity bong. I'm fucking making her drink vodka. She's doing it? My mom's getting loaded with me.

And she's fucking yakking in the toilet. She's like, dude, she gets on this gravity bong and finally she goes, we had a fucked up life! She's finally going like, shit was wild, man!

I'm sitting there bottle of vodka ZZ Top and I'm like there bottle of Akazizi top I'm like girl you said it sister you know

oh Jesus yeah fucking making my mom take gravity bomb rips that's what it took it took all that

to just reality to set it oh yeah yeah my mom's like oh fuck man shit was wild it just set her normal yeah just set her yeah ripping my mom a fat creamy gravity bong out of a brita filter a two liter sprite bottle oh all right yeah let's shift gears for a second you've mentioned addiction a couple of times all right let's go

to that what age uh do you start using what are you great eighth grade yeah i mean i i'll never forget the alcohol first yeah my friends made me a shot and i drank it and i was like dude i want to feel this way all the time it was fucking. I felt it from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. And dude, yeah, I fucking, you know, got loaded at a New Year's Eve party in eighth grade. I'm falling out of my mom, my dad's, which is now my mom's truck. You know, I'm fucking 14.

The first party I go to, I make such a fucking ass out of myself man everybody's just like oh beer i run into the vodka and i'm like this is fucking amazing i pass out on the front lawn i'm begging this kid to sell me weed i'm like i don't have the money now but my grandma gives me a check for christmas i'll give you the check This motherfucker just said My grandma gets me a check For Christmas 14 No 13 14 yeah

Just a fool A fool I had to fake sick because I was so embarrassed Because everybody was like dude that kid's fucked up You know and then this motherfucker His name was Paris He was like the weed dealer or whatever on his aol profile he puts for interest ripping off fags for weed like ian because he sold me like a gram of weed for like 40 dollars and wrote that on his fucking yeah so now i'm a fag name ian which is in secret yes and i fucking am like i gotta not go to school

because i'm trying to bribe these kids into getting me and something ticked in i go i really like that girl christiana i'll give you some of my grandmom's christmas check if you hook me up with her so 14 i'm trying to get a prostitute it's not even i'm trying to have this guy pimp out his friend i mean it was fucking off to the races off the bat you know my grandfather picked me up i'm on this front lawn i had to lie and be like i ate food poisoning you know it's fucking gnarly so then after that i was like no more how long did that go well i was i i came up in like punk and hardcore and ska and i was like in a band so i i straight edge was like that finding straight edge which which is a lifelong promise of no drugs, no alcohol.

You know, the music scene really kept me straight. You know, like I was straight up everything with music streams. I was X's on the back of my hands, fucking at shows, you know, friends of mine were slashing tires and parking lots at bars. Like, fuck you. Drugs destroy dreams, you know, like, all this shit, and you couldn't tell me nothing. It was, for the rest of my fucking life, I'm not doing that, you know, I don't want my dad being upset with me, I don't want him embarrassed,

you know, and, man, being straight edge, like, kept me on the level, being involved in music kept me straight, you know, I had a crew of of guys and we were all straight edge. It emboldened us with the lyrics and everything. And then eventually, it alienated me because I got away from those guys when I moved to New York at 18. And all those guys, we kind of lost touch. And then all my friends, I didn't have many friends in college. I just had like three guys and they were drinking drinking all the time so i would go out i wasn't drinking so i'd leave at like 10 and just go home alone and i'm like oh this kind of sucks and so i started drinking alone because i was embarrassed because my whole identity was straight edgy and you know it's funny he doesn't even need drugs and alcohol to have a good time. I've always been, like, woo. And so I started drinking alone. Like, dude, I would go to the fucking bar

and so afraid that people would find me that I'd put on a costume. I'd put my jacket on inside out like I was like a fucking senator going to fucking get his dick sucked in an airport bathroom. I'm just like, oh, it's not me nobody cares and and i didn't know any drinks the only drink i knew was an alabama slammer so i'm just ripping them at a bar alone and uh yeah and then eventually i came out as like hey i'm drinking and my straight edge friends we you know it's like if you're not now you never were you know like you turn your back on people when they break edge you know and uh i didn't even know this was a thing that i didn't know

the edge part of this yeah so they they're like the phrase is true till death you know i like that oh that's a true yeah yeah man so you keep drinking you're like whatever oh dude i'm with these guys to the races i i was i was in my dorm room once i started drinking and um do you remember sparks it was like the precursor to four loco it was like alcohol with energy loco right well those those god bless them holy shit fucking crashed my bicycle ripping four locos i crash i'm on the williamsburg bridge these people come up to grab me i run away covered in blood because my four locos rolling down the bridge that's why you're running fucking asshole yeah yeah i saved the four loco instead of being like i think i'm wildly injured you know and uh i i'll never forget i'm sitting in the

common room and i got a fucking sparks on my knee and it's like 2 PM. And my buddy's like, what are you doing? I'm like, we drink. Isn't this what we do? You drink all the time. I'm drinking. I'm like, no. And so I was just round the clock drinking, you know? And then I started to get fucking sad. and that's when i would start to have these swings where i would drink and be a mess and just grab my friends and be like do you think my dad's proud of me you know and that's the only time i could talk about my dad and that's when the anger would kick in and that's when i would fight people and that's when i would want my ass kicked and you know that's when i like just threw everything away and was like i don't give a fuck and that's when i would want my ass kicked and you know that's when i like just threw everything

away and was like i don't give a fuck and that's when i was just in a fucking i mean i barely took a fucking sober breath from like yeah i don't know like 21 until i mean i tried to get sober in 2008 and uh dude my fucking mom made me go see a priest like all this shit i i went to an aa meeting and it's alcoholics anonymous so i told everyone my name was tom like i thought y'all like lying about your shit you know but these motherfuckers are like talking at me they're like i was it's your first time brother you're gonna be best day of your life i went through this windshield i got this to you i lost this and i'm sober and i'm like well that never happened to me i'm not one of you six months later i'm like sitting in rehab like i don't know this happened you know

and uh how did it happen how'd you get into rehab no i couldn't stop drinking but you acknowledge it or were you intervention like how did you finally get the rehab? Well, my mom and my best friend threw me, like, an impromptu intervention. Okay. We went out to eat at this seafood restaurant in Delaware. And I'm drinking and they're, like, visibly upset. And then, you know, everyone knew I had a problem except for me. I was the one that was like, you guys are crazy.

I was, like, the last one to find out. You know, meanwhile, I'm like waking up bleeding and like fucking, I would, I would pass out on the street and take my clothes and shoes off and fold them next to me because I thought I was in bed. So, and you're outside on the fucking street, a literal gutter drunk, a litter.

I would use the curb as a pillow or like steps as a pillow, a gutter drunk. My friends would have to push me home in a shopping cart. And so I fucking go to the bathroom. I come back and they go, Ian, you have a problem. We want you to get help. And I'm like, this is a fucking intervention. Like it is.

And I'm like, you couldn't have gotten more people? Is that what you said? Two people. Like, is that all I got left? Is two fucking people caring about me? You couldn't fucking call Uncle Danny? Yeah. And, you know, he doesn't have to bring his head.

Just bring his body. Just bring his body, God damn it. And so I ended up, I was a carpenter at the time i end up losing my job not not even lose it i just kept missing work showing up late drunk on the job site and uh i i i woke up i was drinking i was gonna be late and i i called my boss i go jane i got a car i said i'll be to work. And he goes, okay, cool. Yeah, just bring the accident report and you can come on the job site.

And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, no problem. So I'm literally fucking Googling accident reports that I'm going to try to Photoshop to put my info on and I can't find it. So I go outside and I just start kicking my car and like trying to knock my bumper off to make it look like I got in a fucking accident. Yeah, yeah. I knocked the mirrors off, you know. I'm kicking it.

Meanwhile, I lock my keys inside. I called a friend to pick me up. He pulls up. I'm like, hey, man, how you doing? Just, yeah, you got a key to my Blake. Can you just let me in, you know? And I show up. Meanwhile, the only thing i could knock

off was a fucking side mirror and i go gene hey sorry i got an accident he goes do you just not show up to work because your side mirror was broken and i go look man i got a problem i can't stop drinking he's like leave you know get your together. And so I went to an outpatient place and I just went in and I was like, hey, can I just get a note that says I'm getting better? Can you just give me a note that says he's going to get sober or something? And they're like, put your arms out. And I go, okay. And I'm like shaking.

And they're like, when was the last time you had a drink? And I was like seven. And this was like 10 or 11 a.m. And they're like do you realize that you're you're going into withdrawal and I go no no this happens every day I just I get I get sick I get colds I keep getting sick yeah yeah yeah and and I just didn't know I was going through withdrawals and then I just knew when I drank I that'd make my cold go away you know so they go look you

go to this place you'll be there for like two days you know blah blah blah i'm like i gotta get my job back so i go and uh you know i fucking get loaded before i go and then you know uh no i didn't get loaded i just had like an airplane little a little kicker of vodka. And then I go in and I end up staying for 35 days. Damn, 35 days. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, I didn't do it right at all. I fought the hottest chick there.

We shacked up. I let her wear my Phillies hat so everyone knew she was mine. You know, I had to be top dog. And when you got a full set of teeth in a job, you're like the king of rehab. Dude, we're playing football. I'm stiff-arming heroin addicts, fucking making it look like I'm the fucking man. The Barry Sanders of rehab over here.

I'm killing it in the anxiety crayon animation sessions where you draw your anxiety. I'm like, my picture's the best. That is fucking great. so on the last day we had me and this girl like kiss you know and she moves into a halfway house in wilkes-barre i get my job back you know and and uh i tell my sponsors this girl's great she's up in wilkes-barre we write letters talking she can only talk on the phone 10 minutes a day it's perfect and he's like yeah man that's where all the good girls are in in halfway houses in Wilkes-Barre, you know?

But I got my job back, and I'm ripping and running, dude. I'm doing side jobs. I'm just nonstop, like, working, making my money back. And I just ran ragged. I stopped doing what they told me to do and, you know, started relapsing.

How long before your first relapse oh yeah i don't know i got out in june i started drinking in like september or something no october november three four months yeah but i had this moment man where you know because it was i went in young and all my friends could keep drinking and i'm just like i'm not an alcoholic i'm just i i i i can i can it'll be different this time that's the whole thing it'll be different this time you know and and my my body has an allergic reaction to alcohol where once i start drinking no matter how hard i want to not to i just can't stop but i got a brain that tells me I don't. So my brain, I got a constant forgetter. And every time my brain's like, dude, it'll be different. You won't do this. Don't drink before noon. Don't drink brown liquor. Just drink vodka.

Don't drink that. Just drink light beer. Don't drink. And it's always mental gymnastics to be like, well, no, I can have it. So dude, I'll, I'll never forget. I'm, I'm living in this farmhouse and, uh, I'm, I'm like drinking real bad and, you know, vodka getting loaded high and everything. And Christmas morning, I wake up and I go, look, man, it's Christmas. Give yourself a gift of sobriety. So I go down, I give my neighbor all my booze and I go, Hey man, Merry Christmas. I'm getting sober. I can't do this. You know, meanwhile, him and his girlfriend are watching my cat every time I go away to the hospital and shit. And I'm all the resolve in the world. I'm not fucking drinking.

What a gift. Sobriety day, Christmas. Amazing. So I go to a family friend's house at like 2 p.m. And I steal their Jack Daniels and I leave and just go drink alone in my apartment. That's even worse. I'm like, what the fuck? i didn't do that again brother oh no yeah and then like dude a couple weeks later i just couldn't stop and then you know god bless my mom man i had to go to i lost my job again and uh i got i got fired and I immediately went to the liquor store and got a

half gallon of vodka, went home, somehow like called my friend. He came over, tried to steal my vodka, my lifelong best friend. We get in a fight in my kitchen because he's like not, you know, letting me have my vodka and they take me to detox. I can't get into detox because I'm too loaded. So they got to take me to the hospital. So I'm in the hospital, man, and I'm fucking losing it. They had to put a fucking spit mask on me, yanked my IV out. I'm spraying it on people. I'm fucking take my saline bag and I spike it on the ground like a football.

And I'm like, just give me vodka and I'll be fine, you fucking morons. And man, my mom had to come, she had to see that, and it was fucking terrible, I'm strapped down, you know, and so we go to my apartment to get my shit to pack another bag, gotta go away again, and so my mom's, like, on my side, like, won't leave me, because she wants to make sure i don't fucking drink and uh i go down to my neighbor's because it's an old farmhouse i'm living upstairs this is a two-bedroom downstairs and efficiency in the basement you know so i go i knock on my neighbor's door my mom's like right behind me and uh they're having a party and my neighbor jess i'm

like hey can you watch my cat? I gotta go away again. And her boyfriend, Chris hates me, you know? And, uh, he goes, is that Ian? Fuck him. He's a piece of shit. Alcoholic. Don't fucking help him. And dude, I blacked out. And the next thing I know, I am on top of him, choking him the, in the middle of this party, fucking everything stops. I'm fucking choking them. In the middle of this party, fucking everything stops. I'm fucking choking him, and my mom's yanking me off of him. Your mom? And my mom goes, my son is a good boy. Old Gail coming through, man.

Yeah. My son is a good boy. Yeah. Still so wholesome. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's still got my back no matter what god yeah yeah yeah so you know so then when do you hit the point where you finally say all right oh bro this is fucking 2010 and i'm coming up on eight years sober my last drug and drink is 2015 so you do the math i'm still fighting it man i'm coming up on eight years sober my last drug and drink is 2015 so you do the math i'm still fighting it man i'm still fighting it you know i'm still thinking i can dude i'm moving that halfway house two years sober start drinking in there move to new york start fucking drinking when you go to into a halfway house yeah you does not doesn't it hit you then like i'm living in a

place with these other people and like i'm not in my home anymore it's fucking hell but i mean where are you with that though you do embrace it i feel like you would fuck it you just said you're the king of the fucking rehab oh dude 110 i embrace it you do yeah i just feel like you're the guy the same energy like i'm just gonna lean into this and fucking rock it well well it's a thing like i wanted to be sober that's the thing i would just it was it was never a thing like i i don't it's just it comes creeping in and if i don't do my daily maintenance of what kept me sober yesterday and do it today i'm gonna fucking drink again right so i would start to make money i'd start to fucking this girl or this or that. And then I'm fucking slowly

going, I can do it again. It was just young. I was dealing with this. And I, I love being sober. It's the fucking best, but it would slowly creep in and I would go, you know what? I don't have a fucking dream. You know? So I being in that halfway house, it's, it's a three quarters house. It was an Oxford house. So we didn't have like, you know, we weren't under supervision. It was self-governed, you know, we had like treasurers and, you know, you know, comptrollers and chore coordinators, you know, it was like, it was like a setup to teach you how to live, you know?

And our house was called the Emmett house in Newport, Delaware. We were the diamond of the North. Yeah. Cause our house was called the Emmett House in Newport, Delaware. We were the Diamond of the North. That's what we were called. The Diamond of the North. Yeah, because our house was like the elite house that was run the best. And all the other houses, man, people were smoking crack in the living room and everything. And our house is like, if you're fucking serious, you're coming to our house. And so that was really cool getting in there and that was like

i'm i'm really trying and dude i was on fucking fire man i didn't have a job i burned every bridge but i'm fucking picking up alcohol hogs reading the big book on the way to fucking this detox to speak this and that i started an aa meeting in delaware solution based i'm fucking feeling so on fire man i'm loving my life i'm loving sobriety i got nothing i'm in a halfway house i've never felt better you know and uh on the way to these meetings and everything we would listen i'd put on comedy records you know so like and when i was working that construction job i'd put on comedy records i'd put on a tell i put on hed Hedberg, Carlin, whatever. And, you know, we're listening to Patton Oswalt on the way to these meetings, you know? So comedy was always like a thing, you know? And I started

comedy in sobriety. I started living in a halfway house in 2011 and I started in Philly and, you know, I, but I didn't tell anyone in Philly what it was, except for my one friend, Tim Butterly, great comic. He and I are still dear friends today. I'm still friends with all my guys I started with, which is like fucking amazing. I love it. And I would pick him up in Kensington and go to Philly, but I had a breathalyzer on my car and I told him not to tell anyone.

So I'm picking him up and we're going over bits and i'm like okay so i'm thinking about this tag hold on okay so i'm thinking about this tag you know i'm like don't tell anyone i'm fucking picking this dude up but i had a breathalyzer on my car for like nine months you know and but i don't want anyone to know because i'm afraid they're gonna like not be my friend i think I'm like a freak you know and uh yeah so I I had always I loved sobriety man it's the best but I would it would always seat back in you know and then finally I got my ass kicked enough to the point where I'm like I'm fucking so beat up and also to tell you the truth man i tried everything with like programs of recovery and i

always had that obsession always whatever and then finally in 2015 i got hooked up with a um a drug called uh naltrexone which is almost like an opiate blocker so where in my mind where there's like a hole for the dopamine and like that thing and everything, it basically fills that up and all the wires that are crisscross, it connects them. So dude, I was on this medicine and like truly made my obsession and craving go away in tandem with therapy and program and recovery and everything. So, you know, yeah. So I haven't, coming up on eight years sober in April, man. yeah so i haven't coming up on eight you're sober that's great man yeah because i wanted to ask you what it was that finally clicked and part of it is medication which i wasn't expecting to hear i didn't know that was a thing not many people do for alcohol though not many people do about it

for other you know at the time only like two percent of alcoholics in the country were on this medicine i checked myself into an outpatient place in New York, saved my life, Greenwich House, and they were like- Was this an experimental thing when you took it at the time? Is that why maybe a lot of people don't know about it? I don't know if it was experimental. I just know not many people were exposed to it. I see. I wasn't like an experiment.

I was just lucky enough to be in a place where they- Knew about it. Knew about it, yeah. Because a big thing with programs of recovery is like you got a hole in your soul it's god you need this you're defective you work on that i'm like i'm doing every fucking thing i can't stop motherfucker i'm gay for god i'm gay for god and i'm still fucking drinking what more do you want? You know? If the cure's at the bottom of the priest's penis, I'll fucking suck it out. Let's go.

You know? So yeah, that's brand new to me right there. I've never heard that before. So it can help with alcohol. Totally. Hell yeah. What's it called? Naltrexone.

All right. Can I ask you what you have any crazy side effects off of it? Because I know these chantics that would stop people from smoking we're having people go kill people no no no i don't know if that's accurate chantix don't come it dies it like makes you crazy right yes maybe kill themselves yeah no no it it um it i mean you can even it's an abuse is a drug you take where if you drink you immediately puke but now trexone made it so that like i wasn't obsessing about dude i would window shot i would go to a liquor store and just look around and be like in in sobriety i would watch videos of people chugging vodka like it's when you relapse it's

not your drink it happens way beforehand it goes into your thinking it goes into your actions you can see it coming you know and all the signs would come and i would just be like fuck it you know you get a case of the fuck it's how quickly did it hit how quickly did you feel that change yeah fucking immediately yeah wow in in in in like a week or two and again like i was going to meeting i was i was working on shit i wasn't just like pill done right you know i'm like in group therapy i'm in therapy twice a week i was i was working on shit i wasn't just like pill done right you know i'm like in group therapy i'm in therapy twice a week i do group therapy was a man i was in group therapy for self-esteem you know uh and that was fucking great me and just a bunch of fucking crackheads from the bronx and everything learning how to love ourselves yeah dude yeah it was fucking great

it was awesome i love it you know my man the counselor daryl he and i would roast each other and i'd be like you look like grimace wearing that purple shirt and be like you look like you'd use your this and that like he'd rip me on some insecurity i'm like all right daryl you're you win this one all right i'll be back yeah yeah you look like you can't live a life sober and i'm like, oh, you son of a bitch. I'm going to outright you one day, dude. You got me, Daryl. Dude, this has been an absolutely fucking fantastic goddamn wild episode. It really has.

I'm sorry. For what? I'm just saying. Because Kelsey Cook said this great. When you come sit in that chair, shit hadn't been good. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you know what for you to come on and joke and laugh like it is so cathartic and so therapeutic

for people um who haven't lived what you've lived yeah i mean just losing your father eight's enough then you're battling addiction on top of it you know um yeah but here's the thing man i i obviously yes and and i appreciate that and and i'm just so like grateful that i'm at a place where i'm all right with it man it's okay you know like yeah you seem to be loving yourself these days yeah i mean you're very open about your sexuality you're very open about your life your trauma all of it so good for you again you're clean and sober in in those letters my dad wrote i just never saw it please tell me about those how did you find who brought those up to you they they were hidden in my mom's closet and who did she find them i found them you found them yeah yeah so you could have moved that your mom could

have left that house and they're we're still in the same house that's what i'm saying but if she moved everything's you don't get those yeah but i found a man and uh dude well the letters my dad wrote when i was in the hospital are like the most touching amazing things and even just like the the words he said and you know my dad was this like muscle fucking tough dude worked on a train yard whatever but he was so sensitive and so like spiritually in tune and like you know he was the only boy in a house of sisters and everything and like he was the guy that was the glue of his friend group and they all said you know like john wasn't afraid to hug us john wasn't afraid to you know whatever but he was a really bad alcoholic he was a really bad drug addict He was a really bad drug addict. And

then he stopped. And in these letters, I also found a journal of his that he kept when he was like 24, 25. And in the journal, he, when he met my mom, he was keeping a journal. And so it was pretty wild, man. And again, like me and my dad, we, we dad, he's here. He's with me. I see him. I talk to him. I believe in spirits. I believe in when we leave, we leave a thumbprint on people, and it's up to us to see their spirit in others and in ourselves and in little things. And I don't know if I believe in heaven and hell, but I believe in a memory. And heaven is, if you live a good life, you leave a heavenly memory with people. And if you live a shit life, you're living in hell because people are going to hate you.

And this man is living in heaven in my mind's eye. And man, when he was talking about my mom, before he met her, he was writing in November of 1980, he was writing for the date december and he goes and it kept getting crossed out right in november and he goes i don't know why i'm right in november i don't know why i'm right in december i keep seeing december i feel like there's going to be a change in december come december he met my mom and uh shit and that's in that journal yeah but i found in the journal he was talking about getting sober he was talking about never using needles again he was talking about you know his fears of having a kid of passing these things on he was talking about love and spirituality you know

and i got to see him in this way because i always wanted to know him as an old guy you know i always wanted to know him as an adult and uh you know i got to know him in a way and we would always joke when we were when i was a kid like he and i are going to live together when we're older and we're going to be on the front porch watching the sun come up and uh our teeth are going to fall out whose teeth are those you know and and i see i see my dad and in other people and i see him in things and you know i've been so blessed and fortunate to have the relationships i have with people and I see him in things and, you know, I've been so blessed and fortunate to have the relationships I have with people. And, you know, a tell has become a dear, dear friend and brother and mentor and, and more than just comedically, just as like a person.

And it's so funny, this, this thing came up because I opened for him and we are chatty Cathy's and we're on the phone and everything, you know, and he, he and I, after gigs, we just sit and smoke cigarettes and laugh. And I'm like, man, I don't know my dad, but I have experiences that I could have had with him, with others. And I'm grateful for that, you know, and I'm grateful I can see that. And as long as I live my life, knowing that that dude's with me, he was so important to me and know all my dreams about him are me introducing him to my friends,

because he was so cool. And all my friends would come over, my dad to take us to the park and everything, you know. So I try to live my life to where if you know me and like me you would have loved john you know and i want people to see how great my dad was through me and i want people to see how great my mom is through me you know my mom saved my life this woman has my back no matter what these two people yeah she got me off a guy i was assaulting a motherfucker ready to go you know and and i see dude i see i see my mom and me i see my dad i see my grandfather and it's so cool

i get to share these people with others you know that's how i feel about like this podcast when i've been able to do like to keep my father's memory alive and my grandmother's as well my my special that's coming out soon is called lefty son because it's all about him he also gave me this stupid genetic blood disease that has me in the fucking hospital almost dying so yeah i get it i love that i've been able to keep their memory alive and stories of them from strangers but like that story you told about your dad trying to burn that snake out of that hole's fuck you know whatever the fuck it is i when that comes back and i had a i was fortunate

enough to have a tops baseball card and they give you a relic um one it's called it's a game worn jersey so i took his old work shirt and i had it put in there oh so now whenever i'm at shows and someone they're like i got one of those it's like i get to say hello to my friend i'm like here's you know what i mean it's like a little boom there's my dad coming back to me so i love that how fortunate are we that's what i'm saying so like it's it's so cool that as a byproduct of us sharing having this conversation it's gonna hit other people and no matter what like i growing up no one i knew had dead dads no i was the only one you know and then you get involved in comedy you're like oh fuck i found my people you know and and then you get involved in comedy. You're like, oh, fuck. I found my people, you know, and do the same thing.

I said, I never related to anybody. Even parents. Yeah. Parents don't. Their parents were still alive. My friend's parents. They don't even know how to talk to me or what to say to me in their defense. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, man, we have one friend whose dad died, but his mom was with him.

Our mom had already left. It was like, good luck to you, motherfuckers. Yeah. So it was different for us. We didn't know anyone like that. Damn. And you don't talk to anybody. You can't relate to anybody like that.

And then when you get to comedy, you're like, fuck. Yeah. God, I feel so much better around you. How crazy is it that our lives could be enriched and better through something as silly as jokes? Yeah. You know, it's the fucking best, man. And I don't know. It's just, this was really fun.

This was really great. Thank you. I needed this. Man, me too. I really did. Before you go, two things. One, advice you would give to your 16-year-old self first, and I want you to promote everything again. So please, advice.

After everything we've talked about today, what are you telling 16-year-old Ian Fidance? It's going to be okay, and I love you. Fuck yeah. That's great, dude. Yeah. Sometimes it is just that. Yeah.

Good for you. Please, plug everything one more time. for you um please plug everything one more time uh i animal 69 on instagram twitter and twitch ianfidance.com for all my dates and my podcast be an ian with jordan uh patreon.com slash be an ian pod um it's the fucking best man we're having a blast. And it's on YouTube. It's like a very visual podcast. And yeah, bye, guys, with Zach and Ian on Gas Digital, too. This was so much fun, dude. It really was, man. It was.

I knew it would be good. Thank you. I've been waiting to get you on here, dude. Thank you. Thank you, brother. Yeah. As always, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week.