The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jamie Kilstein - Codependency

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Jamie Kilstein! Jamie returns to talk about how he lost his girlfriend and his best friend in the same week, only a week after a major health scare from his mom! All that just in time to leave him alone for covid. SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with y’all! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: LIQUID IV Get 25% off off ANYTHING you order when you go to LIQUIDIV.COM and use code HONEYDEW at checkout. UPSTART See why Upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes!

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Liquid IV and Upstart. More on that later, let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're coming at you from the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media ryan sickler.com i want to tell you right now we've got a lot of new merch up go and check out the champion night pants nation sweatpants are the shit they are absolute fire uh we've got a great retro hoodies up there a bunch of new t-shirts are up there go

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my personal Ryan Sickler page. I've got to get the numbers up on that so I can bring you more videos and content there. And the HoneyDew Podcast is the website for the show here. That's where you get all your merch, not just the new stuff like I was mentioning, the sweatpants, hoodie, and shirts, but you got the night pants there, the night shorts, the coffee mugs. It's all there. And as you know, I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. So if you live in LA or if you live anywhere and

you need musical instruments or lessons for your kids, Santa Monica Music Center is the place to be. You'll get online classes from Los Angeles musicians. Just go to santamonicamusic.com, use the code HONEYDOO, they'll waive the registration fee, and they'll give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package. Now, that's all the business, okay? This show, as I say every week, is all about highlighting the lowlights, okay? These are the stories behind the storytellers,

and we're shedding a little light on that darkness and today we got a returning guest here i'm very excited to have back ladies and gentlemen please welcome jamie kilstein y'all welcome back to the honeydew brother you uh just displayed why you have one of my favorite podcasts because you're such a happy person and we talk about such dark shit where literally it went from off air you being like you cool with talking about suicide all right hold on one second hey hey it's ryan sickler with the honey they grow it was so fucking perfect and i was like you don't even realize how amazing this is like sweatpants i guess i mean sweatpants kind of makes sense it's like hey are you a divorced suicidal comedian like you don't want to put jeans on be comfortable yeah i have not worn jeans since

yeah whatever it was mid-march i've been wearing sweatpants it's a lot i may straight up go velour full sweatsuits from here on out but remember jeans maybe to a wedding or something when i lived in la yeah you gotta class it up when i lived in la though i feel like for guys because i had a uh so i lived in silver lake and the whole foods in silver lake is just the hottest people in the world and my girlfriend would be super insecure and would have to get like dolled up to go to whole foods because it was all like models and actresses but the guy celebrities it's almost like the scummier you dress where when i wore sweatpants and like a hat people would be like oh is he in billions you know what i mean like i look more famous than like women who would have to get kind of like you know fucking like

dude so anyway it's a good look that's what i'm saying yeah well welcome back thank you i appreciate you being here you know what we do here so before we get into whatever you'd like to discuss will you please promote everything and anything you'd like sure so um i have a podcast called a fuck up's guide to self-help which is why i'm an appropriate returning guest um great community probably very similar to this it's just misfits and outcasts and people who talk about all their shit. And it's also become one of the underlying themes that I realized today

because the guests have been weird. Like this week we had like Diamond Dallas Page, who's a WWE Hall of Famer, but also... He did yoga and all that stuff, right? Yup, he's still doing it. And then also like Ram Dass's best friend and what the spiritual people, and then Joe Coy's next week and the comedians and the wrestlers all have in common is we all talked about having weird fucking dreams and just going for it and getting rid of all the noise and all the people who tell you not to do it.

So it's become a really supportive community. So that I'm the most proud of. it so it's become a really supportive community so that i'm the most proud of um i have my first stand-up album in like eight fucking years um coming out december 4th which is called 25 capacity it was recorded i think illegally at like this warehouse in fucking denver where the only rules they had it was so shady but i wanted to find a place to do it during COVID because it's all about loneliness and, you know, what's been going on. And their only rules were they had a sign that just said no cops. And then the other rule was don't let the cat out because there was a cat that would wander around. It was so fucking bizarre.

And there were like 30 people. And I think it's perfect because I think if I put out a stand up album at a filled club during COVID, it just sounds like a fucking bizarre. And there were like 30 people. And I think it's perfect because I think if I put out a standup album at a filled club during COVID, it just sounds like a fucking lie. So I was like, I want to do what is actually happening. So that's going to come out December 4th and I'll be posting it on my socials and on the podcast.

Instagram is at the Jamie Kilstein. Twitter is Jamie Kilstein. All right. My promo. Very good. Now don't kill yourself yeah so i i i did ask you right before i pushed sweatpants if you were comfortable talking about suicide so yeah talk to me what's been going on well for me for me the the times i've

thought about suicide because you i don't mean to interrupt no but but to if you haven't heard jamie's first episode, go listen to it. It's a great episode. It's back actually in my apartment before we had video. Before I was at YMH, you came on and you talked about how you prepped for this suicide. I sure did. And you were going to commit suicide. Your girlfriend, I think you said, stopped it.

Well, she was out of town because I just assumed she was going to leave me too. Well, she was out of town because I just assumed she was going to leave me too. And so she was out of town when it happened or when I was like planning it. And then she came back and was just the best. Like we're not together and she's kind of nuts. But like she totally helped me and kind of got me through. But for me, and I don't hear this talked about a lot, like the times I've been suicidal haven't been because I feel something

biochemically wrong with me or I just don't know what the problem is. I just feel so sad all the time. I wanna, like that I actually haven't experienced. It's been from just feeling like that's the best option. And I think. But can I ask you, is it because something happened? Yes.

So each time there's been an isolated incident where you feelatically where I'm like this seems like an easier path than the bullshit that is my life right now so I felt trapped and I think that a lot of the suicides that we've seen under COVID or the skyrocketing depression has probably been for like the same reasons where people just feel helpless. And when we talk about depression, when we talk about suicide, oftentimes it's kind of like, oh, you have depression, which means you will always have depression, which means just like figure it out, temper it out. But what doesn't get talked about, and there've been tons of studies on this is most of the time there's an

incident. There's a divorce. There's a layoff. There's fucking COVID. There's fear. There's something. And when you go to doctors, they don't really ask you about that. They just go, okay, you have depression, so these are the steps. But for a lot of people pre-COVID, it was something would happen. It was lack of connection. It was, you know, different types of loneliness, everything like that. And so for me, the times when it happened was just kind of like I tried. It was like I tried. I had a good run.

This isn't going to work. My life is about to get very scary and very shitty, and I don't really know what to do. And then you go, oh, well, I can fucking kill myself. And, you know, what's always pulled me back is just like other people, you know? Hold on one second. Will you clear all that stuff off the table? He was tightening me up up there. So I want to ask you a question.

Thank you, Ash. Will you clean that up? Thanks, Ash. Sorry. That's all good. Oh, your bottle, too. They don't pay our bills, bro. You can fill it up.

I'm not. I'm just going to fucking... I pick it up and fill it up. That's all right. I'm going to fucking kill myself. Fuck these people. Keep that in. Don't edit that, Ash.

All right. I'm back. You obviously talk about this a lot with guests. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You certainly have gone through it. I keep hearing people tell me about this. This is relatively new to me. Maybe it's not, but the seasonal depression.

And I'm like, I don't want to demean anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this this new subcategory, like the seasonal depression? Because right now what's going on with COVID seems to be, I mean like you said, suicide, depression, alcoholism, all these things are skyrocketing during this. And it's this iceberg of shit under the water that people aren't really seeing right now. And then I hear this seasonal depression. I'm like you're only depressed for the winter? Right, right, right.

Is that real? I don't want to demean it, but I don't understand that. I could see you hearing that where one guy's suicidal and he's like, I got laid off from my factory job and my kids don't talk to me. And the other person's like, it's gloomy. It's overcast. Buy the sweatpants. And the hoodie.

buy the sweatpants. And the hoodie. And the hoodie. So, I mean, I think that, I mean, I've experienced, I mean, even yesterday, I have a routine that keeps me pretty fucking happy. And that routine is every day some kind of mindfulness, some kind of creating, some kind of exercise. And because of the meditation, because of the mindfulness, when I start to feel depressed or anxious, instead of kind of embodying that feeling, I can stop and pause. And just like a meditation, when you kind of like look at your thoughts and

you go, oh, wait, back to the breath, I can go, oh, wait, I didn't exercise or this shitty thing happened to me or I talked to a girl I shouldn't have talked to or whatever. And then I can kind of triage it. Right. And I definitely had that the other day where I was like, God, I just feel really like tired and lethargic. And I was like, oh, it's cold for the first time. And it's gray. So I could see again. I don't know anything about seasonal depression, but I mean, if it's dark and gloomy, it makes sense that you'd be a little more on edge than if it's sunny and beautiful. You know, like right before I came here, I walked out and was looking at the ocean and I'm not going to just be like, God, this is terrible. Yeah, it's fucking great. So I can see that playing in.

But my guess, my very uneducated guess is if you already have issues and you already have depression. Yeah. When it's fucking rainy, that's not going to help. I mean, I remember when I lived in New York and there'd be a week of like, you know, just gray. I would be totally depressed and you want to stay in bed longer. And then, you know, I think a lot of it is the the little choices you make every day. You know, I think a lot of it is the little choices you make every day. So if that grayness makes you hit the snooze button, which means you're starting your day with a failure, essentially, and then that makes you get up a little groggier and then you don't have time to exercise. And then you go to write, but you're a little fucking like foggy because you didn't work out. And you're like, I can't even fucking write today.

And you're like, you know what? I'm just going to rest for a while. Like that all plays into it. Whereas if you can get over that first hump of like, it's gray, but I have shit to do and you're up and you're in the shower and you're moving. I think that that will, it can be defeated in a way, you know, at least for me, for me, for me. So what did happen with you this time around?

I did stand up at the mall of Americaica that was it it was nothing dramatic when was it it was literally nothing dramatic during corona though yes so it was fourth of july weekend and which by the way for for a lot of people that don't know that's a tough weekend to sell anyway because people have plans usually yes normally and the entire mall shut down it looked like a fucking horror movie it was the only things open is that club the house of comedy like on the third or fourth floor it is a great club i love the covid hooters it was amazing and the their string of clubs is my favorite but yeah rick and tammy bronson are the shit they are the fucking best absolutely i hadn't done comedy in so long so what happened with me i think so this year has actually been

one of the best years of my life um i can't i don't know a lot of people that can say that i have heard a lot of people say that but they whisper it because they feel guilty sure like i've literally heard people i've had friends like famous friends not famous friends where i've been like how are things going and they look around like they're about to say something racist and then they they put their hand up and they go kind of fucking great and i go i'm doing kind of great too and a lot of it has to do with it's the people who chose to kind of not own this fucking horrible COVID narrative and be like, okay, shit sucks. What can I do to get better? So I think before

the Mall of America thing, I'll tell you the good stuff, which I did, which is this is the first year. Okay. So I say this on the album, but like my year was bad before COVID. So for people who are like, oh, man, 2020 starting in March. I'm like, no, no, no. 2020 started in January. Like the first week of January, my cat died and my girlfriend left in the same week. Damn. Yeah. And we moved.

So me and this girl, we met in L.A. We're completely sick of dating sites. I think settled because we were both nice enough. Desperately wanted the relationship to work. It wasn't working in L.A. Instead of being like, oh, we're settling. This isn't working. We were like, it's probably L.A.'s fault.

And we moved to Tucson. And neither of us had even been to Tucson. But we just wanted to get the fuck out. And so Tucson did not solve it. We broke up. And, I mean, the cat dying fucking destroyed me how long did you have the cat forever like forever got him from a kill shelter in la um like fought uh to to get him and then he was like the ride or die as stupid as that sounds um for everything like the ride or die, as stupid as that sounds, for everything. Like the reason I started making money again was I remember having to move to this like dingy, shitty,

literally like flea apartment in Koreatown. And I'm like holding him crying and I'm like, I'll figure it out for us, buddy. Like it was, you know, he was the best. And I named him after the rapper Talib Kwi uh so his name was talib kitty uh and i got him the day after i opened for talib and uh yeah moved to arizona and it was really sudden and it was awful and i was done i was just so like i cried about him yesterday where I still think about him. And so the girlfriend leaving was fucking easy. That part.

Like you can go. That was fun. I felt bad. This pussy's got me upset over here. She would literally see me sobbing and she would be like, hey, we're still going to be friends. And I'd have to be like, what? Oh, yeah. And I'm like, it's to live.

I'm like sobbing about to live. And so I had this moment where I'm like, this would probably be a good time to kill myself. Or how do I come out of this infinitely better than I was in the beginning. So when something really shitty happens to me now, I kind of go, this has to happen for a reason because I'm not suffering for nothing, you know? And so then COVID happened and sort of doubled down on everything. And my narrative for the entire year could have been, could have been tweeting about it, could have tried to get sympathy from it. this is the first time i'm ever single my fucking my cat died my girlfriend left and then i'm quarantined alone in a city where i don't know anybody uh in this apartment that used to have a cat and a girlfriend

and now i'm by myself and i don't know what to do and you're relatively newly there um yeah i don't have friends there i'm like a year there. You know, everyone helped me join my Patreon. And like, that could have been my narrative, whatever. But I was like, I thought about it. And with the girlfriend stuff, I've been codependent forever. I've never been single because I have like a sad hole to fill. And I was like, okay, like this is going to be the year that I just older divorce a guy, eat, pray, love, and figure out who the fuck I am. was like, OK, like this is going to be the year that I just older divorce a guy, eat, pray, love and figure out who the fuck I am and like what I want. Like I don't I used to structure everything around what my girlfriends wanted and they weren't even like bad for it. It was me being so needy and so scared they were going to leave that it would be like, oh, you don't want to like meditate.

We don't have to meditate. You don't want me to go to jujitsu. We don't have to do jujitsu or whatever. And now I'm like, oh, I know exactly what I fucking want. I know what makes me happy. Like waking up early makes me happy. Meditating makes me happy. Jiu-Jitsu, all that stuff. And so everything was so fucking good. Like the podcast started to take off. I'm out of debt i'm starting to get stand-up work again i'm yeah i'm waking up early i'm in good shape like i'm getting out in nature all this stuff was fucking great and then the stand-up shows it was my first shows back doing stand-up and how long a while man i mean i mean we're talking years yeah really i did a couple spots in la like i think i did one of either rogan or um one of tripoli shows i like the store and i mean i had all new material

i mean it was certainly the first time i headlined a week somewhere and not only was it stressful just because i'm traveling for the first time, you know, um, I'm in the mall of America. So I go from literally living in the mountains of Arizona, like the most serene everyone way to the mall of fucking America. Um, but I just went back on everything that I did to make me healthy because in my head, I can only be a comic if I'm unhealthy, right? So – and I don't know if you've ever struggled with this, but it wasn't even pure pressure because I was headlining. But it was – I hadn't been drinking, but I'm like, comics drink. And I've been really positive and I just you know i talked to my old lady neighbors

and i pet their dogs and then i meet the feature and suddenly i'm like shit talking i'm like yeah this fucking guy and i should you know and i just become this caricature of what you think a comedian is supposed to do and i'm sleeping a little later and i can't really work out and so and then i have to kind of eat shitties i'm eating at the food court of the mall of america and i know that food court all pepsi i can't stand just so bad it's so bad and then uh you know my brothers are fucking calling me because they saw some fan posted a picture and i like forgot to put my mask on after the show and they're like you're gonna fucking bring covid to minnesota then they stopped talking to me and And I was just like, I thought comedy was going to fix things. And I'm right back to where I was.

It felt like all that progress I made was a fucking lie. It was a facade. It worked when I was up in the mountains. And I can never do comedy again. I can never perform. All these fears, all these anxieties came. And then I was like, I was going to kill myself. And by the way, this is the terrible part.

There was a little of like, fuck you, everybody. You know, like, and I don't, I've certainly never talked about that even on my podcast because I just realized it now and I'm very ashamed of it. But there's like, oh, you're going to give me shit for doing this? Well, I'm going to fucking kill myself. So suck a dick, you know? And I really had to walk myself off the list. I remember just walking.

Well, it's a lot of pressure, too. You say you haven't done it in years. I mean, if you're doing a weekend, you're responsible for people's weekends. And you also forget, yeah. You know, those people spend their hard-earned money. They may have brought friends, family, whatever. Come see this guy. Come see this guy. Come see this girl.

I love this comic. You got to see what I think is funny. Dates. Whatever it is, you're responsible. So when they go back to work, well, in the olden days, pre-corona, and they talk about what they did that weekend, you're either a highlight of their weekend or you're a lowlight of their weekend. Or I saw a man derail on stage. Yeah. their weekend or you're a low light or i saw a man derail on stage yeah right and also you forget with some of these clubs you know you'll go to you'll go to like a zany's and talk to lucy who's

just like the biggest comedy fan right but sometimes you go to clubs where it's like they were either going to be the manager of the house of comedy or they're going to be a manager at hooters right and they're just pissed off they don't want to talk about comedy. They don't go. They're there to sell food while you're the monkey on stage that tells jokes. And by the way, I'm not saying it was a house of comedy by any means. This is me projecting my shit. But when I go, oh, why doesn't the bartender find me nice and charming? It's like, oh, because we sold 30 tickets and he's not going to get tips.

Right. You know? And as opposed to the very rare club owners who when they have the small shows they're like yeah because this is for my fucking favorite comic and i booked hedberg when everyone was booing him off stage and you know we brought stanhope here and he walked half the audience you know the those club owners are very rare and very and i feel like tammy and rick actually had that they love good and especially rick he's a comic so he's one of us and knows exactly.

And when you get that, it's great because it suddenly takes the pressure off you. But I started projecting like I'm in a mall and I'm failing. And what's ironic, though, the shows were great. And actually, every time I got on stage, I was happy. But then I just it was just this like, who am I thing where the show would end and like a girl would talk to me and I'm, and I would just overthink everything where I'm like, am I supposed to sleep with her? Cause I'm a comic. And then I get to have a one night stand or I'm like, should I, do I have a drink? Cause I didn't want to do any of that. I wanted to do

what I've been doing in Arizona, which is going to sleep early, waking up at five, What I've been doing in Arizona, which is going to sleep early, waking up at five, reading a fucking book, going out in nature because that is what's kept me really happy and healthy. But then there's this other part of me when I'm like, you're a comic pussy. You're supposed – when I started, the first guy I opened for was Stan Hope. And so I'm like, that's what you do to be cool. Like all of that shit, it's imposter syndrome. It's – you can't be happy as a comic or healthy or whatever. And it's also a little of me, I think, saying that to talk myself into.

I think a lot of artists are like that. I remember reading about Alanis Morissette years ago saying it didn't dawn on her that she didn't have to be this angry uh person to produce good art you know um and i think well first of all for comedy we all know where our comedy comes from it comes from a dark fucking place it comes from ugliness it comes from trouble it comes from sadness that we've been strong enough to turn into laughter i love putting it that way you know great way to put it and i just heard bruce fucking springsteen because i used to say that because I thought it was just a comedy thing where whenever people would interview me back when I used to get interviewed and they'd be like, were you the class clown? I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? The class clown beat the shit out of me, called me gay. Like, no, I was the fucking quiet, sad kid who used comedy as a coping mechanism because like my family life was falling apart or whatever

but i just heard so springsteen i guess has this new documentary that he's promoting and he did conan's podcast and conan asked him about uh you know what makes a good artist and bruce fucking springsteen right like 140 million albums 20 grammys was like oh, crippling anxiety, obsessive compulsiveness, trying to prove to a parent that you're worth something. He had this fucking great quote. I don't know if it was his. That's where it starts, no doubt. Oh, yeah.

He makes a great artist. The quote he said, I don't think he was quoting someone, where he goes, most artists, somebody told them that they're like the second coming of Christ, the greatest gift that we've ever seen. And then someone else told them that they're worthless and the artist believes both of them. And I was like, that's it. Right. Because you have to have that belief or else you just stop or you kill yourself. But then there's a huge part of you that's like you're a fucking has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever had like big moments in your career and you're immediately depressed afterwards yeah i i have um we talk about it all the time because this is a you know what's next business right right and and you can have the highest high on on friday it just shot this whole thing whatever and then saturday you're like okay well that's over now what yeah oh even even just going back to comedy clubs when you do weeks you know that fucking Saturday show everyone's cheering you're getting applause breaks and then you're like there's a fucking Sunday

show and you know the Sunday show is gonna be weird and you're like well I just want to leave I want to leave after the good show you know and I remember when I did my first TV special or not TV special but TV spot for the show called the World Stands Up that used to be on like BBC America. Immediately I got depressed afterwards and I was like, what the fuck is happening? It was the first time I remember being conscious of like, is this depression?

And it's because there was part of me that shot it. And same with when I got back from Montreal for the first time, the Montreal Comedyreal comedy festival where and then the next week you're just like all right well now this is when the king of comedy calls me and he like anoints me and tells me that like i'm set now and we line up these shows and he's like no my agent still doesn't call me back and like i still no one really knows you know and yeah i'd crashed from that too. So with this week, I just felt like I was going crazy. I felt like it was an identity crisis. And you're not getting outside. You're going right from the club back to the hotel, which is attached to the mall.

Nope. They didn't give me that. That was the nice hotel. I had to walk across the highway because it's COVID times. No, no, no. It was a bridge with no air conditioning so i'm at like some hampton inn that is attached to an ihop i remember the one night i didn't drink i had to fill that fucking like addict hole because i'm like okay

i said no to a girl i definitely shouldn't have slept with i didn't drink and then i just walked to ihop at midnight i couldn't sleep and I was like I'll fill the hole with pancakes and I just remember staring inside of an IHOP and I started to cry in the parking lot and that's when I was just like I'm like a fuck that's what it is that's what it is boy the sweatpants that's what it is I mean that was my low moment dude it was but it was perfect it was per can It was perfect. Can I tell you something that I should not say on a podcast that was very similar to this? That happened yesterday.

So I'm still dealing with some, like, divorce paperwork stuff. And this actually shows me I'm in a much better space. So crying outside of IHOP July 4th. I'm kind of joking around with the notary about divorce stuff. They're being very serious. It was like some very earnest Ukrainian guy. He's like, do you have children? And I was like, it's fine.

This is all for the best. And I'm trying to like make jokes because it's fucking awkward. You know, people are just there to check your P.O. box. It's a UPS. And I'm like, I'm here to get divorced. Like it brings the room down. You can get a It's a UPS. And I'm like, I'm here to get divorced. Like it's a it brings the room down. You can get a divorce at a UPS store. How fucking weird

is that? Because you have to get shit notarized still. And like there's just some old lady who's like my granddaughter sent me a birthday card. And I'm just like, I'm here to end my marriage. It's so fucking insane. I mean, UPS is literally because even the sign outside.

Shout out to UPS Baltimore Hub, primary one, Joe Avenue. I used to go to UPS just to get like gift wrapping. But like even the sign outside of UPS, it was like all it advertised. It was like passports and documents shredding. And I'm like, what are people going to UPS for? And so I go through all this stuff. I pay. And I'm like, that's it.

The divorce is over. I go to press the hand sanitizer. And like a fucking movie, it just sprays everywhere. In your face? Just in my face, on my shirt. And the guy behind the counter, like, stops breathing. He's horrified because like this is a man on the ledge you know and i just remember looking at him and just going this seems

like the appropriate way to end a marriage and like it was dude it was the highlight of my fucking week where i was like again this is where comedy comes from, right? I was prouder of myself for that joke than anything I've done on stage. Because I was like, this is why I still love comedy, is you can just dig out of this just like shit pile. And it's like, man, I made that UPS guy laugh. I'm good. I don't give a fuck about the hand sanitizer and i felt legitimately great about that and my problem with stand-up is i've always linked stand-up and putting this together now is like with the mall of america stuff

i always think about stand-up as an industry right and especially because the couple years I was starting to get kind of bigger I was sort of embracing this like the anti-comic you know like because I did so much stuff overseas newspapers would always compare my comedy to like Bill Hicks and like shit like that and I was so young that I kind of took that on so I'm like yeah if I get booed fuck yeah I'm like Bill Hicks like I'm gonna smoke cigarettes because on. So I'm like, yeah, if I get booed, fuck yeah. I'm like Bill Hicks. Like I'm a smoke cigarettes. Cause like, fuck yeah. I'm like Bill Hicks. And I just like, I, I love that. I want it to be this kind of like rebel when in reality, like I'm not really that. And so, so I used to shit on comedy clubs all the time. I mean, I think I had bits on old albums, making fun of comedy clubs with like the two drink minimum and being a strip balls and like,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And every time I would get pissed off at comedy, sometimes because it was my fault, sometimes because comedy can be fucking shitty. I would just blanket statement, go fuck comedy. I don't want to do comedy anymore. I fucking hate comedy. But what I forget is like comedy is that moment in the UPS store, right? How can you say fuck laughter or fuck bringing people together or fuck whatever? It's like, no, no, no. I'm not doing it right then. If I'm going on the road and I'm blaming the club or I'm blaming the food court or I'm blaming this, like it's kind of on me. It is what you make out of it, you know?

And so, yeah, like I'm headlining the House of Comedy in Phoenix Thanksgiving week and always get those holiday weeks, baby. And I'm really excited because I'm like, I'm not going to go in with this old baggage of like comedy means I have to be depressed or comedy. I'm like, I want to treat it. And this is cringy to say on a comedy podcast, but I want to treat it like fucking art because the best kind of comedy is art and they're artists when you watch a good comic like they're fucking artists and so if i can just go in and enjoy what it is which is going on stage and making people laugh during a really shitty year um and not these stories I've told myself about you have to be a fuck up or nobody likes you or this person, you know, thinks this or you're at a fucking mall or whatever. I think it's going to be fucking fantastic.

And actually what I did, because I was going to quit comedy again after the Mall of America, I was like, OK, I'm going to kill myself. Then that didn't happen. And I'm like, well, I'll quit comedy. And that didn't happen. And then I was like, OK, I'll just I'll deal with this but i uh emailed rick and tammy and i said hey can i feature for anybody in phoenix because i can drive to phoenix yeah you hit me up actually and i'd cancel my shows yeah right right right right um to be fair i believe you said no before it gets because five people hit me up before you did i always forget that because like listen man

there are people sometimes where i'm just talking to the club about getting a weekend or whatever or my and then they'll post it on the website and these guys will see i haven't even gotten the confirmation hey i saw your feet your headline in phoenix can i open for you i'm like i haven't even gotten the confirmation i'm doing like ticket master yeah fucking just refresh, refresh, refresh. Yeah. And, but I went and featured, they had me feature for a mirror and it was so fun. It was so fun. And by the way, when I showed up that night, the first night I wasn't happy.

I was like, nobody was really saying hi to me. So then I start telling myself the story. Oh, they must hate me. They must, whatever. It's a new manager. The second I got on stage, it was fucking great. I didn't have the pressure and I didn't have to advertise it. And I wasn't like if people show up, it's because of me. If people don't show up, it's because of me. I'm like, I'm just going to go on stage and tell jokes.

And it was fucking phenomenal the whole week. So that was the moment I proved to myself. It's not comedy. It's me. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Liquid IV. Now the temperatures are changing. It's getting colder in places, darker earlier now. All that stuff's going on. You're bundling up. Maybe you're not working out as much. And cooler weather makes it easier to miss signs of dehydration like overheating or perspiration,

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Where does the mindset of I'll just kill myself come from? Because that's... It's shame and failure. But, I mean, it's usually a last resort for a lot of people why so quickly are you there with it at least in this case i don't know how yeah so in the other in in the time where i was going to it was a last resort it was like oh i've lost my money my marriage my friends my it was everything right so i was like this makes sense no one's gonna be like i can't believe he killed himself everyone be like yeah yeah you had a bad set that

was the move right that was the 100 i think this was in a weird way because i haven't talked about this one because i didn't feel like it was like dramatic enough where but it's probably good that I talk about it I feel like it was almost I mean I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but it felt like a relief knowing that that was an option you know I think you had that as an out

kind of because things were really hard and scary Marin I think it was yeah Marin had this fucking great bit like 20 years ago. He was talking about how naps were kind of like little mini suicides, you know? Where you're just like, okay. Everything just goes away

for a little while. And ew, you know what it might be? And this is gross. But it might also? And this is gross. But it might also be, I felt like I was such a fucking failure that if I kill myself, like, there's a way, like, I'm remembered now, you know?

Even though you're not around to appreciate any of it or feel it. And it's remembered in the most... Horrible way. Horrible, you know and uh jesus i never thought about that uh yeah i mean dude i mean that might be part of it like honestly like i just felt my like heart stop um and it would feel like people would remember you fondly they remember you well they'd speak highly of you and yeah because of the way you went out yeah and just kind of yeah

which is super narcissistic and it's also weird because i don't do comedy to be famous or to be known or to be whatever i just felt like in that moment like my family was mad at me. I'm single for the first time in my life. And now even comedy is failing. I'm just kind of like, well, if I fucking let everybody else down, then like, here we go. You know, I can be a cautionary fucking tale for like other people. And I mean, to be honest, one of the things that's helped me a lot is I've talked a fuckload of my listeners out of suicide. And so I'm like, that's great. Well, I can't do it because I'm not saying that I'd be like, oh, fucking Kirsten's gone.

We can all do it. And it'd be like a mass like, you know, podcast suicide. But at least I tell myself like, well, man, if I was the fucking if I was part of the part of the inspiration to get them not to do it, then like I can't fucking do it. I can't quit, you know, or else then like that takes away one of their little like safety nets. Right. And so that is actually what it's interesting where I think I was thinking about what other people would think when I thought about killing myself. But then thinking about what other people think also stopped me from doing it. And, I mean, I also think I was just in the middle of a fucking panic attack. Like, I was just literally—

You get those? Not a lot. And that's why this was really fucking scary. Like, I was like, this is real. Like, it's only happened the times that I've then thought about killing myself. And so it was happening at the fucking I hop parking lot thing. And, uh,

and in a way as fucked up as it sounds. And I don't know if anybody can relate to this, but that chilled me out. Just like knowing I could do it. Also, I don't think I'm ever going to fucking do it. I'm, uh,

terrified of fucking Heights. I, how would you do it this is what fucked me the first time is i'm like i'd be the guy who fucked it up i'm like i don't know how to then you would feel like a failure i know people have done that like i can't even kill myself right dude i said that on fucking rogan show when i talked about like the first like actual doing it where yeah i'm like i don't even like getting drunk. So I'm like, I wouldn't want to do pills. Like, I get so nervous when I do psychedelics, which are like wonderful.

I mean, that's the thing is pragmatically. I think me being kind of a puss would stop me. Like, I don't think I would do it, you know, but I can't explain to you how fucking weird it is. Now that I'm like kind of reliving it where I'm having an anxiety attack. I'm having a panic attack. I don't know who I am. I'm a fucking failure. Everybody fucking hates me. And then just going, you could kill yourself.

I just go, oh, right. I can kill myself. And then I walk back. That brings you calm? It brought me calm. And then I get to go. Did you eat the pancakes? No. You never went in? I didn't do it. I didn't calm. And then I get to go. Did you eat the pancakes? No.

You never went in. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Yeah. So pretty proud. And yeah, I hop. Eat our pancakes or kill yourself. And so I'm really killing these ads.

We got IHOP. We got UPS. They're a proud sponsor. IHOP. And so and then once I kind of calm down, i'm not suggesting people do this but that calmed me down and then by the time i kind of got back i'm like do i want to kill myself and then you know because i've gotten depressed and anxiety since then you know and not even a fucking how old are you now jamie 38 how old were you when you first wanted to really kill yourself?

Probably like 34. So we're talking about four or five years. Yeah. What would you have missed most had you done it the first time? I mean, not to be a total buzzkill, but like to live. The cat was one of the reasons I didn't do it. I mean, I would say. I mean, I'm honestly at a point now after the Mall of America incident, I've kind of thrown myself into nature and meditation and trying to.

Again, it's so cheesy for a comedy podcast, but like lead my life more with like love. So even when I go to like Starbucks, not being on my fucking phone, trying to have a conversation, like if I get cut off, being present, showing empathy and just trying to be kind to people. And, and it's interesting because this is the first time I've been single and I will have some interactions with people that I used to fill with, oh, that girl hit me up on Instagram or like, you know, I'm going to try to like – I'm going to text this ex or whatever. I'll have just a genuine conversation with someone like literally at Starbucks.

Like everyone at my local Starbucks, like we all know each other's names and shit and I'll make them laugh, guy or girl, and I leave with that same sort of like a fulfillment you'd get if you got like a girl's phone number or something like that. And honestly, I wake up every day fucking so happy. And I mean, I think it's that it's nothing special. Like, it's not like the bright lights of the stage. It's like, I just enjoy life now. I enjoy talking to people now. Um, I mean, it's fucking cool. Like even what we do with the podcast, it's like, if I see someone that I admire, I'll fucking hit them up and be like, do you want to talk to me? And they go, yeah, cause I have a podcast. And so, you know, I got to like train professional wrestling with some of my favorite wrestlers. And that was a dream I had when I was a kid. Like when, what I noticed with

me, and it sounds like such a Republican talking point when you're like, pull yourself up by your bootstraps or like toughen up or whatever. It's not, it's not about toughening up, but the stories We tell ourself about ourself. Really, I mean, you can frame again. I could frame I lost everything and I'm alone during COVID or during COVID for the first time in my life. I figured out who I am. Right. Like you can frame. Oh, I've learned a lot about myself during this. A lot, man.

A lot. I realized how like anti sociallysocially social i am yeah you know as a comedian i it's weird i love to entertain a crowd of strangers but i don't i like to meet and greet after but i don't want to get in there and mix it up with the people like even the comics i i'm not a hang out in the room and talk to everybody and chit chat all the time. But I love to be around it. I like to have dinner by myself, but I like to be in the restaurant around people observing and seeing human interaction and all these things that that I take into my comedy as well. So for you, is it does it come from like a antisocial, introverted, insecurity place or does it come from a legit, this is what brings me joy?

It's a good question. I think it's a mixture of things because my whole life was people dying and leaving. So I kind of got used to being alone and having to be alone. And I like it. Part of it. I don't want to be alone, you know, my whole life. Right. But I'm comfortable sitting and eating sushi by myself.

Dude, I'm so glad you brought that up. I'm comfortable with these moments in life. I don't always want them. I don't want to be always having dinner by myself. But when it comes, I don't have to be a recluse in my home having that dinner. Yes. I still want to be – a girl i dated a long time ago actually said it to me and i found it very interesting she said i find myself to be independently

codependent and i was like interesting that is interesting yeah i get it to a to a point you know like where i have to have these moments by myself yeah i'm gonna go watch this game or i'm gonna do this or that and not even with the dudes i just want to i just want to be by my fucking self that is an important thing to talk about one of the biggest reactions i got on an instagram video i posted was this is my first valentine's day alone and i did mushrooms by myself um and i wrote this whole piece about or i did this whole video about being alone and I'm sure you've gotten fans who have written you like, oh, I want to come to your stand-up show but I'm afraid to go alone. Or people are embarrassed to go to movies alone.

But I encourage them all and they go. And then they meet other people who have come alone. And they have the best fucking time. I didn't realize until this year. I go to sports games by myself. I used to – I'm sorry to interrupt again. No, no, no. I'm so excited to talk about this.

Because in my – it was probably my early 20s, mid-20s. I'd wait for friends. They're like, we're going to go out tonight at 1130. And then 1130 would come like, eh, we're tired. We're not going to. I'm like, god damn it. Nightmare. And one night I went out by myself.

I said, you know what? Fuck it. Let's go see what it's like to go to the bar by yourself. I had the best god damn time of my life. But stand-up is a solo sport. It is. The only time we see each other is if we're working on something together, if we're on the same show and festivals.

Other than that, you're not seeing 30 comedians roll through when you're doing weekends. The Comedy Store, the Improv, LA venues, New York, sure, you see a lot of people, but not when you're out doing your weekend. That actually makes me feel better, too, because I always assumed, you know, I would go on your podcast or I would go on these, you know, all the comedy guy in L.A. podcast. And I just never felt it would be so fun and would really connect. And then I'm like I never felt like I was part of like this scene. So I'm kind of like, oh, no one likes me.

And like but yeah, every every comic just wants to be kind of by them fucking self. And then, but what I was going to say for the people listening, which is I first time I saw music by myself and I wasn't constantly looking over to a girlfriend being like, are you sure you like this? Are you sure you're good? Do you want me to get you a drink? Do you need anything? Which by the way, like, doesn't sound fun for her either. It was me trying to, cause she was not having a good time because I listened to weird music. I was just completely transfixed with the music and I wasn't concerned about somebody else. Or you go to see a comedy show by yourself and you're not wondering if your friends are offended, if they don't like the guy. I mean, comedy is fucking so awkward when the people you're with like do not like.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And like so to go by yourself and then maybe you connect with so many people I've had that have written me about going to my shows by themselves, have met people. They're like, oh, I met fans before the show because they got there early. So many of my podcast fans have done it. Dude. And I've hung out with a few of them in Vegas. Oh, some of them come by themselves or whatever. I'm like, yeah, I'll have a drink with you. I'll smoke with you.

Yep. I don't know them by some of them. I know by name because they legitimately crack me up online. them by some of them i know by name because they legitimately crack me up online and you know the it's funny when you talked about what are the moments that you would have missed if you killed yourself i felt stupid because i didn't have any what you would think is like monumental like my wedding or like the my child my child's kindergarten yeah But dude, this year I've taken walks in nature, stone cold, sober, listening to music. And the right song comes on as a fucking the sun is setting and a bunny and like a bunny runs out of the bushes.

And I have started laughing pure bliss because I'm like just fucking present. And I'm not worried about my agents who don't call me back. I'm not worried about my agents who don't call me back. I'm not worried about this. I'm just in this moment by myself, again, not looking to anyone for approval and being like, this is great. And when you find the joy within yourself, when your happiness doesn't depend on, am I going to get booked at this club? Am I going to get on this podcast? Is this girl going to say yes and have sex with me? It's whatever. But when it's just you're happy being you, you're kind of invincible. depressed or anxiety, I don't take it on as, you know, this is who I am. I'm depressed, blah, blah, blah. I'll, I'll make a post about it. Cause it makes people feel better sometimes where I'll like, um, my stories or something be like, I'm not doing great. I'm depressed. Here's what I'm going to do to get out of it. Uh, and then the next post is me after I went

and kickboxed or something. And I feel fucking great because I want to be great because I know what it feels like to wake up every day and be like pretty psyched about it. And again, that some form of mindfulness, some form of creating. I mean, I'm sure you've had this, too, where you'll take a break from stand up or you'll take a break from writing. You're like, I'm going to treat myself and not do any work. And you're like, why am I depressed? It's like, oh, because you like your work. I like writing. It's been tough not to be able to do stand-up because i keep saying that i like what i do for a living i like my job yeah and it's taken me a long time to get to to realize like

yeah i love this shit i like doing what i do yeah and now it's different when i have the choice to pass on something or say, nah, I'm not going to go do that show versus it just being taken away. It doesn't exist. Yeah. I used to have nightmares when I first got here, but for a while, I bet you for the first 10 years of being here where I would have to move back home to Baltimore and I couldn't do comedy on a Tuesday night, a Tuesday,

or a Wednesday or Thursday, and I couldn't do comedy on a Tuesday night, a Tuesday or a Wednesday or Thursday. And I would panic and I'd wake up from that where I couldn't fucking do it. Well, and this is kind of the blessing of COVID, which is I hate even phrasing it that way. But this is what I've the good I have found in a terrible situation is by going inside and by being like, OK, how can I be happy without comedy? How can I be happy without a relationship? How can I be happy without a cat?

How can I be, you know, whatever? shows I've done and the jokes I've written and the album is I think the best shit I've ever fucking done. And I've been on stage, I don't know, a couple weeks out of the year because this happens with jujitsu and MMA. There have been some times where when you come back after an injury, your cardio is a little fucked. And I would compare cardio to like there's a heckler, your timing, you know, it's a little off.

It takes a couple days. I haven't done Stan. I know i'm gonna be rusty as fuck but i'll bet you there's there's a time where i've taken off and i was more clear than i ever had been that's what i'm saying i really was i didn't miss a beat yes we're a little of the cardio is off it'll be fixed in like a day a little the timing maybe if something like weird happens right but? But for the most part, and this happens when I go back from jujitsu after being injured, I'm just so goddamn happy to be fucking back that I'm like out of my head. I'm trying weird new moves. I'm calling out all the fucking black belts. Like I just feel great.

And that's how I felt going back on stage where it's the whole Buddhism not being attached to outcome. Like, oh, if I don't need comedy anymore, that means I'm doing it because I love it. And at the Mall of America, I was like, this is going to fix me. Like, now I'm going to be a comedian again. And I put so much fucking pressure about what a comedian is. And what, instead of being like, yo, bro, you get to get on stage with a mic and make a room full of like struggling people right now happy for like 45 minutes. So go do that and enjoy it. And that's what I did when I went back to being a feature. And then every show since then, the album taping, the times I have headlined

have been great. And then by the way, I still don't get booked a ton. So then when that week's over, I'm not suddenly like the junkie I was where the laughter is going to fill the whole. Yeah, I was listening to this interview with Rick Rubin, that famous music producer. And they asked him, you know, why? Why do so many artists go to drugs or suicide or whatever? And for a lot of people, they get such a high on stage. They get such a high on stage. And then when that's over and they're back in the hotel and they can't sleep, you know, it's either drugs or sex or a fucking IHOP parking lot.

Right. Where you got to fill that that that hole. And when you get to the point where you're just kind of fucking happy to be there and you would be happy if you weren't there. And, you know, like because for me, this is the first time I actually like who I am as a person. Whereas before, I think I didn't. And so for the 45 minutes people were laughing, I was like, oh, I do. I like myself because they like me. But then when the room empties out and it's just me now i'm like i don't like me again um well that's the difference too with like i say um you know stand up is is heroin it's immediate feedback positive or negative

it's immediate no a movie it might be a year before you hear any you know post-, all that, before you even, oh, yeah, I did that shit last year. Podcast, same thing. We record ahead, especially now. We don't know if we're going to be shut down again or whatever. And sometimes you don't even remember the shit you talked about or the joke. I never do. So you wait, and then the people start, oh, my God, that line was hilarious. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right.

That's right. So you don't get that immediate. That's why stand-up is different than anything else out there. I'm sure for live music, of course. As soon as you hit that note and people cheer, I'll bet you. Well, especially with the band too because it's like you're building it with people. And it's weird. I'm actually – because I was a musician before i did comedy and i kind of missed that

you know i i kind of again i think that lone wolf comedy narrative is one of the things that fucked me up whereas what i love about music is camaraderie yes and you're building you're building you're building you're building you're building um and then you hit that note fucking together and you're like i don't even know how we fucking found that because I'm also really drawn to like improv music, like jazz and shit like that. And so just watching them figure it out on the spot, it's like it can actually be compared to when you improv something at a standup show

and it gets a huge fucking laugh. That was you improvising with the audience member. And then hilariously, when that kills, it gets the biggest laugh of the night and you go, it looks like daddy's got a new closer and you try it the next night and it fucking dies it's like nope it was that moment it was a moment and no one will have it but that which is also kind of fucking beautiful so so are you continuing to do stand-up yeah mean, I'm actually really excited about the album coming out.

I think the album is going to tell me a lot because if it does well and people go, oh, that's right. Jamie's a really good comic and not just like a tragic story. Then, you know, it's kind of validation to be like, all right, like, let's fucking keep at it. Like, I'm excited for this uh thanksgiving week at house of comedy i'm really excited for the album which i forgot if i plugged but it's december 4th i found out today um it's funny dude because i used to be so like i'm bill hicks like i'm talking about religion and politics i talk a little bit about it but this is the first album i've talked about like what would be generic stuff like dating or loneliness or shit like that and talk about your divorce i talk about it a

little bit um i'm not really allowed to talk about it like i have like one but the ups story was so good um that was just a me thing um but i do talk about being like single for the first time i talk about dating for the first time uh i talk about fucking trying to be celibate i talk about you know all this shit and i think it's done in a very different way than i've heard it talked about because it's coming from my very weird personal experience and but like that stuff to me if you're like yo i saw a comic talk about dating like any comic would be like yeah every comic talks about right but for me it was fucking groundbreaking because i've always been too afraid to talk about personal stuff you know like the the what the the joke that got robin in my corner was the one personal – I had one – I had all these political rants and then I had a story about my dad and about like being an idiot when I was a kid and trying to figure out how to repair my relationship with my dad.

And I remember that was what a lot of people would quote and it was this long 15-minute not TV-friendly thing and I was like, no, I'm the angry political guy. I almost didn't even talk about it with my dad. I remember actually I was with, um, I was with Janine Garofalo, who at the time was like the most political comic. This was under George Bush. She was going on Fox news to like speak out against the Iraq war. And, uh, and I tell her this story about my dad we're like walking around union square and she goes you got to tell that on stage and i go so not smugly but it's gross i was like yeah but it's like not political like don't i need to be like she's like no she's like just be fucking honest like i mean that's the comedy we love right it's not honest it's just authentic like i like and funny and funny yeah but like i like rogan as much as i like mulaney they're very different

but they're both them you know like and so uh i mean all of you your guys whole circle all of you guys like you are who you are on and off stage and like it it shows you know um and so i'm really psyched about this fucking album and so if it goes well then it's like yeah i'd love to do more stand-up you know i just like i don't i don't get booked a ton i i'll go on podcast and i disappear whatever but again not being attached to outcome if it doesn't do well then i got to prove to myself that i could still record an album you know again like all my other albums were like number one they did really fucking well um and then i disappeared for eight years and i was kind of like i if i never do stand up again if it's an abject failure, I never get to go.

Yeah, but you were kind of a chicken shit. Should you have recorded? Because I had an hour that I really fucking liked. The what if has been one of the biggest. It's been certainly one of the things that's motivated me in life. Like I've always said, I don't want to lay in that casket with the lid shutting and think, what if I. Right. in that casket with the lid shutting and think what if i right you know i i'm whenever it happens now i went for what i wanted to go for i'm living it and when it's my time it's my time well if

you're thinking that that means you're a ghost and that's pretty awesome that's the truth i well they've done studies um like actual studies that the majority of people when asked on their deathbed they it's not their regrets it's not i fucked up my marriage i cheated i did drugs when i was young it's always the shit they didn't do yeah always always always and it's so sad because i'm sure you get emails like this too but because of the subject matter we talk about on our shows, like the amount of time I get emails from people who are still fucking young, who are miserable, whether they're miserable on a relationship, whether they have a toxic friend group that doesn't support them,

whether they're at a job they hate and they want to fucking paint. And to me, you're always told that the safe thing is get the safe job. Even if you don't like it, stay in that relationship for the safe job even if you don't like it. Stay in that relationship for the kids even if you're miserable. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And to me, there is nothing fucking safe about that. No.

In fact, we saw with COVID how many people lost jobs that they fucking hated. Hated. Right? Whereas— Doing a job just to get by or because it's the right thing. You got a family. You got a whatever. And then you lose it. And how many people told us not to do a podcast or not to do stand-up or not to or it's

too risky or whatever and i'm not trying to be like we're making it i mean lots of comics are struggling too but i i'm doing the thing i love and again even if when you're doing something you love even when it goes poorly like if this album doesn't do well i still loved writing those jokes i loved telling you to do another one yeah that's the other thing you have to do another one 100 but or i could do something else if that's what i want to do you know and i'm glad you didn't kill yourself me too i mean you wouldn't be here today no or i'd be a ghost but i'm glad that you also uh are comfortable coming on because i know a lot of people right now. I keep reading these statistics on suicide and addiction.

And, you know, hell, some people weren't and develop new addictions. You know, I've been saying I've developed a weed smoking habit on top of my weed smoking habit. Like it's been like fucked. Yeah. Like, fuck, dude. Yeah. So. I mean, the advice I would have for people thinking about it is that when I got happy, it's not like suddenly circumstances changed.

I didn't suddenly get a bunch of new money. I wasn't suddenly getting a ton of comedy spots again. You know, I mean, fucking I don't know if the comedy podcast will have me on to promote my album. Like that could be a failure. Like I could be looking at two months of holidays alone and failure. But because I now find joy in like petting people's dogs, like taking walks, working out just the writing aspect of it. You know, I tell so many artists who are like, oh, I want to be a writer, which I do. And you go, right. And they go, yeah, but like, how do I make money? It's like, nope, you got to write first. And one of my favorite stories about that is David Sedaris, the bestseller humorous. He's great.

He was living with his parents in his fucking 30s and his sister amy sideris got famous first with strangers with candy that she did with colbert and she had him like open like do a reading like opens at some like cafe or something in new york and he did it he killed and a lit agent came up to him and was like have you ever thought about writing a book and he goes i have three because he just wrote because he wanted to write right and there are other stories um i just heard a good one with gary larson from the far side sent out them have you heard this story no but i love the far side it's the fucking best i've been rereading it i used to sit in the bookstore and they would ask me to leave because i would just sit down and read it. Farsighted Calvin and Hobbes. Dead. And so he sent out a bunch of manuscripts.

And before he could get rejected, which, by the way, all of them got rejected, he just said, fuck it. And he drove to Chicago to pitch it, got a book deal, went back to his house, and got all those rejection letters. And it's like – and he even said he's like, if I got those before I went to Chicago, I wouldn't have gone. Right? And it's like – and he even said he's like if I got those before I went to Chicago, I wouldn't have gone, right? So when you're doing things just to do them, one, you don't know. You could be one failure away from succeeding, right? But when you are just finding happiness in the everydayness and every day – like the most depressed person listening to this every day you do something great whether it's you make someone laugh you check in on a fucking parent you just like witness something cool you make an observation to yourself like there's always something you're

always seeing something good you're always when you get off twitter when you go out fucking side when you talk to people um there's always something good there and when you start to look for that and we're trained not to look for it when you're on twitter every day when you're in comedy like you're kind of looking for the bullshit to pick apart to get validated to post to you hate scroll through twitter um or cnn or whatever and so we're training our brains constantly to look for the shit you know every time we cut off, we take it like it's a personal fucking slight. We're like, oh, of course. Now I'm going to be late.

And now I'm like the world is conspiring against us. But there's also beautiful shit happening every day around us, you know. And as cheesy as it sounds, when you start paying attention to that. It's not cheesy. You literally have to retrain your mind to rethink your day instead of this went wrong today. Usually when I get in bed with my daughter at night, we all we recap our day and we just talk about the great things that happened that day. We did this. We did this.

We did this. We did this. And we go to bed happy. We did this. We did this. We did this. And it might be four or five things. And, you know, of know course of this 13 hours

of you know we're awake and of course there's some shit that that didn't go great in there but we don't even talk about no and what usually happens though and that's so good you do that with her and i've started doing it by myself and you know i was never religious so i never really said grace i never really but i've started looking outside and i'll just say it to myself before i go to bed i'll be like i don't know who i'm thanking but i'm like thank you for this thank you for this thank you for this and the majority of people and i used to do this when they lie in bed before you're about to essentially meditate on your final thoughts for eight fucking hours when your body and your mind are supposed to be rebuilding and recovering and that's when they're

like oh fucking this person and this and that's when they're like oh fucking this person and this and like this is gonna happen whatever and then they wake up with that dread and they don't sleep well and they don't you have to end the night unplugged showing gratitude whatever and it is a fucking game it sure is the life changer yeah and man like everybody i mean like when fucking robin died it was so nuts because you know i had my stories about him how he like saved me and all this stuff and then every day in a different newspaper or tv show all these other people had fucking stories about him, right? Like very similar about how he helped this person with that or that person with that or whatever.

And whenever – so many times when people kill themselves, we've lost a bunch of people recently, musicians and comics. And you just see their friends posting the most like lovely heartwarming stories about them and i've said this before but so many times the people that think about suicide are the ones who feel different they feel alienated they feel more they're more like empathetic they're more sensitive and for fuck's sake we need those people now more than ever right like it's never the fucking like frat boy doing lines of blow to go fucking like harass a waitress at hooters who's like i'm gonna kill myself like that guy's fucking killing life he's happy as can be but it's these people who feel like they're alone because they're different and what i would say to them is like yo just hang on because it's the different people

it's the people who survive through all this shit i mean that's another thing is every person we idolize you know in every world whether it's the business world or comedy or music, whatever, just failed miserably to get there. And it's you know, it's like when you when you like lift weights, you break down the muscle and then you get stronger from that, from beating the shit out of it. It's the same with life. It's like you can choose to, again, make that your narrative and be like, well, I'm a fucking failure piece of shit. Or again, just be like, what can I learn from this? That's right. OK, this is going to be part of the story i i tell myself that this is part of the story part of the story and i'm going to look back on the fucking

i hop parking lot i'm gonna look back on like fucking losing my cat yes all of us are going to look back on fucking 2020 and covid and be like everyone yo we we're gonna talk about it like fucking nom like buddies like hey remember fucking 2020 when we didn't think we'd be able to leave our house? And like, I taught myself the fucking ukulele or like whatever comes from it. You can make good stuff come from it. But like, get off the computer and stop commiserating with people who want to fucking bring you down. Who every time you tell someone, if you have a friend and every time you're like, hey, I have this script idea. And they're like, why are you going to fucking do that, do that man hollywood cut it out cut it out of your life

like and just and the fact that i've become more confident but alone by myself says a lot and then i choose who i'm gonna be around you know i mean that's great advice yeah it is that's it that's it you have to. Well, thank you for coming on. We're at that point. I got to get you out of here. Yeah. Please plug again your album.

You're doing Thanksgiving weekend. Yeah. So Thanksgiving week. So the last week in November, I'm going to be at the House of Comedy in Phoenix. The album is called 25% Capacity, and that'll be out on December 4th everywhere. 25% capacity and that'll be out on December 4th, uh, everywhere. Um, the podcast, uh, you can go to Jamie Kilstein podcast.com or you can go to Jamie Kilstein.com. Also if there are jujitsu MMA guys, I have a really big jujitsu podcast, but I usually just plug a fuck ups guide to self help. And then, uh, my Instagram again, something during quarantine, I had like zero Instagram followers and was never on there. And it like massively built up.

I'm like, I'm going to teach myself how to do sketches. And I'm just doing sketches that I think are funny. And they've been doing fucking great because I'm not overthinking like, oh, I have to be this kind of person. So my Instagram is kind of my happy place. It's the Jamie Kilstein. And then all my other socials are, you know, the regular Jamie Kilstein stuff. And yeah, the podcast and the album,

I think are the biggest things. I'm really proud of the podcast. So it's again, a fuck ups guide to self-help where podcasts are available. All right, brother. Well, thank you for coming.

I love you, man. This was great. Thank you. And I'm so excited to be in a fucking. Yeah. Thank you for coming back. Awesome.

I appreciate that. You were in my kitchen. I. You were in my kitchen. You were in my kitchen. I told you this before. I didn't realize how big this show was. And so many people have come up to me. You said I thought I was doing you a song. I thought I was helping you out because I was like, oh, man, it's in his kitchen.

And I was like, it's cool. We were just getting started. And then I got recognized from your podcast more than like like, fucking, like, just the sweetest. And it's always the sweetest people. I have the best fans. You all are the shit. You're the best fans. Yeah, I agree with that.

I never have to be worried about, like, I'm about to be called a cuck a lot. You got good people here. You're doing a good thing. Well, thank you. And thank all of you as well. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.

Go get that merch. I'm out.