The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jeff Danis

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

My guest this week on The HoneyDew is Jeff Danis of Danish & O'Neill! Jeff was a fat kid when he was younger but he could swim his ass off, he just couldn't drop the weight! He got made fun of a lot but he wasn't a fighter so he armed himself with wit. Jeff shares some crazy stories - he was falsely accused of gay sex in front of a roommate, he was involved in a riot, he was humiliated multiple times by the college football team, he was involved in a road trip with a deadly ending and that's just his first semester of college! Jeff has some stories! He's a HoneyDew through and through! I hope you enjoy this episode! http://TheHoneyDewPodcast.com

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. It's Wednesday. Doing it over here at your mom's house. I am your host, Ryan Sickler. You can find me on the internet at ryansickler.com and on all social media at Ryan Sickler. My new album, Get a Hold of Yourself, is available now.

I tell you about it every week. Free way to help me, make a Spotify channel. Make a Pandora channel. That actually really helps. It's over on iTunes. You can give it a review on itunes um and make sure you're streaming it out there on sirius it's out there rolling around right now i want to say thank you to uh the all the feasters that came out to the northern california shows

it's so great to see you out there appreciate you throwing the love the honeydews way and i just want to say thank all of you too. I'm blown away. You know, I'm trying something different here for me. And you've really been receptive. And last week with Carlotta was such a powerful episode. And she can't thank you all enough. And I can't thank you all enough. I really appreciate the love and the positive feedback.

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every week trying to laugh in the face of adversity and finding the light in the darkness. And this episode is a little bit of a break from what we've been hearing the past few episodes. You know, I want to look at all situations. And my guest this week comes on and shares so many funny stories about just those honeydew moments in life. And this one's a real fun one. And I can say that because i recorded this intro after the episode it's a really fun episode ladies and gentlemen please welcome from danish and o'neill jeff danis what's up dude thanks for having me well first of all thank you for being here and thank you for being very accommodating we were going to record

last week and i got so sick oh i know how it is dude preschool poison yeah it's uh i had to reschedule you and you were super cool about it i got my baby's nine months and i'm scared for those days i know i'm gonna be sick for probably the next 18 years uh on and off it's coming bro i got a weak immune system too we're like something will hit my girlfriend and she'll get it i'll get the same thing and she'll be like oh you'll be you know you'll be sick two days you know like give me to the minute i'm always sick like a week longer and she's like and she's like what the fuck you know and then throws out like you know starts throwing like uh oh well i delivered a baby man or such you're such way you are though we are but it's also getting hit harder i'm like hey you're not

getting hit with the same abuse I'm getting hit with. She could take that breast milk, too, and put it in there. Yeah. That breast milk's magic. Dude, it heals. The doctors were telling us, like... Put it around their eyes and shit. You can put it everywhere. You're like, Magic Johnson's drinking it straight from the source.

Well, have you ever tried it, by the way? Yeah, I tried it. Horrible. It's horrible, but it's sweeter than I thought it was. I once, I have oatmeal sometimes, and we had no milk. My girlfriend had oatmeal, and I didn't realize it, but she had put breast milk in the oatmeal just because we were out of milk. Right. I guess it's like, you know, it's from me. I'll take it back.

So I took it not knowing it. Like, she walked away for a second. Oh, it's like, you know, it's from me. I'll take it back. So I took it not knowing it. Like she walked away for a second. Oh, it's horrible. I see. Now when I say I tried it, I squirted it in my mouth. No, I had like a spoon. Yeah, I didn't have cereal. Yeah, it was bad news.

Sipping it out of the bowl. And I was like, this oatmeal tastes horrible. And that's when she told me, you got to put up a sign or something. You got to tell somebody. You got to definitely give somebody a heads up if there's titty milk in your oatmeal. Yeah. It would sound like it. That sounds like when you say that, it sounds like something like a drug dealer would do.

Like, give me some titty milk oatmeal. Give me some of that titty milk oatmeal. Yeah, but it didn't taste good, man. Well, thank you for being here. You came prepared with some, I love this, honeydew stories you have. Yeah. I love this Honeydew stories you have So I'm excited to get into this list Because we've done everything on here From family stories

Life stories You've got some specific honeydew stories That I'm looking forward to getting into But before we do, please plug, promote Anything you'd like Danish O'Neil on Twitter Danish O'Neil Podcast Check it out on iTunes

I've got a new Patreon-only podcast called Beach Cops. Check that out. All right. What's that about? It's just I was on an old podcast called Boner City, and three out of the four of us, people always love when we get together. It's me, Ryan O'Neill, Andrew DeWitt, and it's fucking crazy. It's just crazy.

Three of us get together. We have another guy on there named Zach, and it's just insanity. I can't even tell you really what it's about. It's just fucking nuts. It's so crazy that we record it in a room and we turn the lights out. You're in the dark talking? In the dark. Beach cops.

Beach cops. Nothing to do with the beach. Nothing to do with cops. It's just insanity. If you like insanity, I would recommend checking it out. Yeah, that's about it. Did you give your website or anything? No website.

We have a website. We don't really use it, to be honest. Yeah, we're good. So, hell, for a change, where would you like to start? You came fully prepared. You said you want to start kind of with my family background. Yeah, well, that was interesting to me because you said you count you come from a very normal new england uh family background one brother i have an older brother a younger sister uh my parents high school sweethearts uh still married still married but married i think

40 plus years now and you have a good relationship yeah i'm tight with my family um yeah like nothing like i was saying to you or before you before, most comics have some sort of crazy either family background or just some sort of incident that you're like, oh, this is why. If I had pinpointed, I told you guys on Craft Feast, I was a fat kid. That probably led to like I was taunted and bullied. Like I was always, I had friends. When you say fat, like what age are we talking about? Elementary, middle, I was taunted and bullied. Like, I was always, I had friends. When you say fat, like, what age are we talking about? Elementary, middle, high school, too?

Yeah, like, I lost, I got. Because you're not fat at all now. No, I looked, so in high school I was carrying some extra bill. I had a basketball coach who would just berate me for being fat on a day-to-day basis. And what would you, like, do you remember weight? I was, like, in my biggest, I was like 230. And at what age? I'm 6'3".

Yeah, you're tall. But I've been 6'3", since probably about eighth grade. Maybe ninth grade. Still, I feel like that's, is that not proportionate, 6'3", 230? It's probably a little on the bigger side. Yeah, it's not crazy, but I had a little bit of titties, which is that, you know, growing up. I got a lot of those now. You're playing shirts and skins basketball.

It's horrible. Who wants to see titties more than a 12-year-old boy? There it is. And if they're on a guy, it doesn't matter. People brushing up against you, grabbing them. Yeah, so then I lost the weight between my junior and senior year. Because you were a swimmer, right? I stopped swimming at 12, but I was a fat swimmer.

Really? I was like fatletic is what I call it. Like I always played sports. Oh, God, yeah. That's like those big old linemen and stuff. You're like, look at that fat ass. That fat ass runs a 4-5-40. No, that was.

And can bench press 500 pounds. That was me. Like I was swimming. Like if you did like how many calories, I must have been eating. Right. Like 5,000 calories to not be losing weight. And you were good. I was a good swimmer. me like i was swimming like if you did like how many calories i must have been eating right 5 000 calories to not be losing weight and you were good i was a good swimmer yeah i was really good and probably putting these other kids in the fucking no i swam against kids who had sick you

know like like no they weren't like working out they were just child jack the sandwich while you're out no and i'm just i just go out there and I whip them. And I think they were probably like, what happened? What just happened? That fat kid beat me, goddamn. And the worst was you'd have to do the pictures, and your pictures are in a Speedo. And so as a fat kid, there's just nowhere to hide. And it's like, I remember I have somewhere in my,

you're like, can I hunch over and hide it? But that just accentuates titties. And I haven't looked at those pictures in years because you can't take a good picture. That's like a fat coke addict. A fat swimmer. No, it was very rare. Because when you say swimmer, you were a swimmer. Yes, I'm a swimmer.

Not just fucking outdoor pools in the summer. No, I'm talking bathing cap. I'm talking Speedo. I had no body hair, so I didn't have to shave it. How in the fuck? Yeah, I don't know.. I'm talking Speedo. I had no body hair, so I didn't have to shave it. How in the fuck? Yeah, I don't know. Must have been a bad diet. We had a lot of McDonald's.

Yeah, we had fast food. In hindsight, I could have seen McDonald's. Because you hear about that. So do you develop a sense of humor to deflect at all? Yeah, I wasn't a fighter. And I think the two options are, especially at a young age when you have a— I'm a swimmer, Yeah, I wasn't a fighter. And I think the two options are, like, especially at a young age, when you have a...

I'm a swimmer, man. I ain't a fighter, but... When you got something as easy as any argument could be with your fat, and it's... You either got to be able to back it up with fists,

or you got to have... You got to have some shit to come back with. And I just developed a wit, and I was... And so I think that was kind of my training to be a comic but

yeah in terms of backgrounds i talked to other people my god i have a very normal background i mean i don't but people sit across from me and say some shit and i'm like what the no there is some you talk there are comics where you're like how are you still alive right yeah you're like this shit sounds crazy no doubt so do you were you would you say you were like uh practical jokes or what what would you get into like because you definitely get into mischief uh yeah trouble and mischief i was uh i would i was a good student so i would toe the line of being like the class clown but not to the point where it would get me in serious trouble like i was out you know i was at a kind of a mouth on me would say shit but i would know where the line was and i wouldn't push it too far

because you know i'm my parent i'm jewish my parents always valued education and that was like the one area that i couldn't really fuck up too bad in and so yeah i would i was i would describe myself probably as an athlete mainly as a kid and growing up. All my friends played sports, kind of how I made friends. One of my buddy of mine right now is a pro golfer. Oh, yeah? Yeah, not known, but he's actually not on tour right now, but been on tour the last couple years. Yes, yeah, I would say that. Yeah, I would say I'd fuck around for sure but also i

decided me as a kid i could be kind of quiet like if i didn't know you like i would you know i would wouldn't give you much but you would take it in yeah yeah always looking always watching that was me yeah i think a lot of comics are like even now i'm like that just i'll fucking doesn't say much i'm just observing observing and kind of stocking some ammo. And I'll remember. I've had people. I'm judging a little, too. People at the comedy store often would say, me and my partner, O'Neal, they'd be like, you guys don't forget anything. One, we don't smoke any weed. We don't do drugs.

It's amazing. Yeah, so our memories are better than most. But also, we are just, you're looking around, you're taking it in. And up there, when we came up there, it was a dog-eat-dog world. And it's like you had to like people are coming at you like if you broke up with your girlfriend and guys they're new they're bringing it up the first all the time first minute they see you who's she fucking what you doing you know she's probably armed for that you're armed and you need you need ammo on everyone

else that's why you got to look around you got to you got to got to know what people are doing. It's changed there a lot. I think it's more supportive. It's probably better. Oh, it's crazy supportive now. For the commies. Yeah, for your mental health. Probably a lot healthier. What do you want to start with?

I want to start, since you're from Maryland, I'm going to head back to your home state. What's it called? The crab state? No. Actually, head back to your home state. What's it called? The crab state? No, actually, it was the old line state. The old line state? Maryland was, yeah. What's that mean? I don't know if it's because of the Mason-Dixon, because we're right there.

Okay. Yeah, it's kind of the start of the South in a way. Yeah, I was just talking about this with Larson, actually actually because he was just in baltimore and southerners say it's the southernmost northern city and northerners say it's the northernmost southern city no one wants the baltimore maryland's a fucking honeydew state no i wasn't good no one's the collective just sitting there with delaware all alone that's it. Delaware is just over there off to the side. I, uh, so I don't know,

like coming out of high school, I had no clue what I wanted to do. Um, so I, I know like college selection for me was very random. Uh, I applied to James Madison, which is in like rural Virginia.

I knew I wanted some warmer weather. I didn't want to stay in Massachusetts. And a buddy of mine from high school and I just got the idea like let's go to school together um so i applied to richmond in virginia uh i went like so i went on a college tour warmer was just virginia was as far south as you were in hindsight yeah i should have not that fucking warm yeah i learned that the hard way which i'll get into. I thought I'm going to spring break. It's going to be tropical down in Virginia. I mean, you guys, Maryland gets way less snow than where I'm from. Yeah.

But still gets snow. But still gets cold. Yeah, and cold. And by the way, the year I went there, they had a record snowfall. What year was it, 96? 98, 99. Yeah, because I left in 96, and it was the record then, and then two years after that yeah

they shut the streets down every it was nuts i was i was like what i was like i've been duped so yeah i ended up and i went to james madison we drive like hours and hours and hours to get to this rural campus i take one step out of the car i'm with my dad my mom and it's like you know a classic griswold style you're just in the car forever i get out in the car i'm with my dad my mom and it's like you know a classic griswold style you're just in the car forever i get out in the campus just smells like like cows like cattle like horse manure and i was like yeah i'm not feeling my dad looked at me he was so pissed he's like i just drove like 10 hours and you just step out of the car and say i said i can't picture myself here he still brings that up he's like you can't picture yourself here really you piece of shit so i ended up in maryland wait so then you just started driving back north and stopped at maryland i think so yeah

like it was a whole or richmond then maryland i think richmond then maryland what was the matter with richmond richmond uh too hot down in Richmond for you? Too southern for me. Yeah. Because we get to campus and they're like, well, we got dorms. They're segregated. We don't got women and men together. And I was like, that sucks.

I didn't think they were going to stop. They're going to say black people, white people. They're like, well, also that. But yeah, so for me, that just felt like too old school. I didn't really love that. In hindsight, I probably would have done a lot better. Like when I tell you these stories, you're going to be like, fuck, you should have gone to James Madison.

You would have been better off riding horses. So I ended up in Maryland, me and my buddy. We both get there and started off really bad because Maryland, a lot of those big state schools, they take a gamble. They take a certain amount of kids, and they're hoping a certain amount of kids don't come. And for whatever reason, that year, everyone went. Oh, okay.

So they overbooked, like a flight. Yeah, so like two weeks before, they're like, oh, by the way, you guys have no housing. And we're like, oh, okay. You were supposed to live on campus? Yeah, like in a dorm. How the hell do they do that just because it's overbooked you know you got no and you just get a notice yeah and they're

like you're gonna live in this howard johnson that we're converting into a dorm no you lived at a so i so we're like what the like you know you're going away from home i was pretty i lived in college yeah and i grew up in like a bubble you know i grew up in a bubble i grew up in a pretty like middle class area pretty affluent area. Welcome to our fucking world, brother. Yeah, it's a wonder. I'm just like, whoa, what the fuck's that? You're going away from home for the first time. You're like, what's happening?

So then the day we're going, they're like, good news. We got a room for you in this dorm. You're in a triple. You have a roommate and that kind of stuff, whatever. We'll take it. Because it was just supposed to be the two of you? Two of us, yeah. You don't want some random. Right, so we get we got put in there but so we get there come to find out that the floor we get put on it's

called gemstone and it's the smartest kids in the whole school so it's like legitimate the movie revenge of the nerds me and my buddy like we're not you know i'm not dumb but i'm not this is all the engineering guys we probably run the world is the guy i was gonna say these guys we should have made friends with they're doing apps and all this bullshit i'm sure some of these guys are very wealthy right so we had zero friends on our floor like then that's like freshman year that's like who your main crew is so we have it's just me and my buddy we have nobody so we meet our third roommate this dude uh named kofi this black dude he comes in he's wearing the remember the patrick ewing i had him the adidas the blue and the nick color so this guy's wearing like these moon boot patrick ewing sneakers he comes in he's quiet like but we're like hey man what's up introduce ourselves uh

i had the the single bed and then my buddy had the lower bunk and then we give this because he was like hey you got top bunk and uh things seem all right we're all everyone's going to class whatever so like i want to say less than two weeks in because at schools they usually give you a two-week freeze that you can't change rooms especially freshman year. Because it turns into a lot of, well, give it a chance. People become friends, whatever. So like a weekend, we get a notice.

You guys got to go see the head of residential life in the building. We were in Endicott, which they named all the buildings after Maryland cities. And so we're like, what is this about, man? So me and my friend go down to residential life and the other guy's not there. And we sit down. Kofi? Kofi's a no-show. Kofi's no-show.

No-show co. So we sit down across from this residential life guy and he's like, yeah, this is a sensitive topic. I understand you guys are having sex, which is fine that's fine but it's just a little too loud for your other roommates uh liking and we were like wait what and he's like yeah the two you or you guys are having loud sexual intercourse oh wait so this is in my mind first i think he thinks you're bringing women home but now i'm thinking he thinks you guys are fucking each other too loud that's what he's saying and so the head of resident residential life uh you know they have to be even then which was a different time but they had to be very like all in you know like a lot a lot of gay people actually do those jobs and so he's like look

i there's nothing wrong with this. I have nothing against it. But if you can just be considerate of your roommate, you know, maybe wait till he leaves. Or if you can just keep it down. This guy. And so we're just going, hey, man, like, you know, this is as weird for us as it is for you because this isn't true. And he's like, guys, he wouldn't acknowledge. I'm not here to shame you. Yeah, he wouldn't acknowledge because this isn't true. And he's like, guys, he wouldn't acknowledge. I'm not here to shame you.

Yeah, he wouldn't acknowledge that it wasn't true. He just kept saying, guys, it's none of my business. It's okay. I just need to relay the message that you need to keep it down. And I'm like, dude, this isn't true, man. Like we're both saying, like we're laughing because we're like, this is crazy. And so what happened was the guy would never admit it. That just meeting just ended is that this dude wanted out of the room and he they had a two-week freeze and so he's like how

can i get out i'm gonna say they're fucking and they're keeping me up at night who would fuck on a bunk bed first week of school brand new dude guy you've never seen wearing his patrick ewing boots so this so this fucking idiot like the next day is moving his shit out of the room say you got to see the guy again right oh yeah he's moving his shit out he brings a friend in because he thinks we're gonna beat his ass right yeah because it's like dude you know what you did we're not taught we don't talk to him it's like fuck you know like really this is this is your play you couldn't wait you didn't say a word not a word oh man how do you not say something to him. We're like, fuck, you know, like, really? This is your play? You couldn't have waited two weeks? You didn't say a word to him? Not a word. Oh, man, how do you not say something to him?

You know, it's just one of those things. Like, what do you say? Like, you know? I'd have plenty to say for that. So he's moving his shit out. He's got, like, this bouncer who's not a big, you know, like, not that we were going to beat his ass, but it's like, dude, your bouncer's not doing much for us.

So then he moves out. So we were like, yeah, this is great. We got a triple now just as a double. They didn't fill it for the rest of the semester, which is great. I would see that guy on campus from time to time. He would always say hello to me. I wouldn't say – He would say hi.

Are you out of your mind? What, do you want to be friends now? Like, are you crazy? That's crazy to get out and do that. Yeah, like I'm going to do you dirty. And everybody in there probably is like, yes, there you are. Oh, and I'm are right oh yeah yeah it's like you cry like no i'm not saying hello to you that is hilarious yeah i would imagine seeing throughout the year when i often guys really fucked like that no and but we i remember because this is the time of vcrs and when he left the room

once we checked his vcr and he had like anime porn in there he had a ton of tissues vaseline it's like hey if any sexual deviancy going on here. It's the guy pointing the fingers. Kofi's pointing the fingers. Check him out. So that's the start of my year. That's not a great freshman start. That's like week one?

That's week one. Week one! You've been accused of fucking each other too loud at your door. That's welcome to college. Not fucking chicks, by the way. And I got nothing. If you at your door that's welcome to college not fucking chicks by the way yeah each other and i got nothing if you're gay that's whatever that's cool but it's just like when you're not and it's just a bizarre way to start you're 18 you're like what is happening this is bad news then like a week later we go to a party off there was these off-campus uh apartments

that a ton of people lived in and we go, and it's just like this crazy street party. I don't know. The cops must not care. And out of nowhere, I remember this dude, this black dude in a Jerry Rice jersey. He's like 6'6". Just punches this chick in the face. A woman? A woman, dude.

And it just starts like a full-on riot. People throwing bottles uh cops are coming in with cops are coming in with shields i'm like ducking this is week two the week two it's like man let's go back to the dorm and fuck yeah it's like i'm ready to start fucking you let's go back dude i don't know where we're at yeah it's week two oh my god i don't see myself here is all i'm thinking right now. I'm not in Kansas anymore. I bet people started chanting Jerry.

I think it was Jerry Springer and the Jerry Rice combo. But that guy just punched the, like, this guy floored this chick. Somehow she still, like, took it. This guy was a big fucking guy. I think he got either hit with a bottle that was thrown or hit with a bottle swung. This guy was on his feet. This guy was a big dude. It didn't do shit to him.

Yeah, I remember cops coming and everyone was just like, I'm out. If you're underage, you're like, all right. That's a rough area. A buddy of mine went there. Do you remember Cluck U Chicken? Oh, yeah. There was someone that got killed there, shot or stabbed to death outside of that place. Maryland's not the—

May have been Kofi. It's still the – It may have been Kofi. It's still Maryland. It might have been Kofi. Clucky reminds me. So orientation, even before all this, you go there for the week. They kind of give you this stupid lanyard you wear that you mark every freshman as, wearing their keychain around their neck. So we go there, and I'm in a – they try to make the big school small.

They put you in there with like 30 kids, and maybe you'd be friends with one of them and uh this guy was in my thing this guy's name was roderick he was from florida he talked like mace the rapper slow as shit that deep southern florida draw and so you had to take a math placement test at maryland to to get uh put in what math you're going to take and it was long probably took like 30 minutes to an hour. This guy's done in like three minutes. Pencil down. And the guy running, it's like, you done, Roderick? Yeah, I'm done.

And the guy's like, okay. I don't even know. He must be like, I'm a football player. Fuck, I don't care. And then in like another thing we had, they're like, all right, let's go around the room and let's, you know, say our names, say something about ourselves. And how about you start? And he picks Roderick. And he's like, all right, let's go around the room and let's say our name, say something about ourselves. And how about you start?

And he picks Roderick. And he's like, I ain't got nothing to say. He said that? Yeah. And he's like, and the guy's like, okay. Like trying to, you know, he's a positive guy. Okay, Janine. He's like, that sounds great.

I see you have a nice necklace there. There's a medallion on there. How about you explain that? He's like, it's number 34. That's what I wear for football. Oh, he played for Maryland? Yeah that's it you know that's why the math doesn't give a shit okay oh i see he's like yeah i'm done with it so so fast forward i'm taking criminology during the school year and uh the front two rows the football coach at that time i guess made all the football players sit in the first two rows just as like, you know, the most talented teacher.

They're going to come. They're going to sit in the front. I'd say about 60% of them were wearing headphones the whole class. Are you serious? Yeah. Just all like big headphones we're wearing right now. Listen to our game plan for this week. Just don't give a shit.

Like, we're here. We have to be here. I'll sit here. Yeah. But I ain't doing nothing. So I see, I'm like'm like oh roderick's in my in my class first day of class my god it's roderick from uh freshman orientation so he's walking up the thing i'm in it i don't know anyone i'm just a dumb fucking idiot i walk up to him

like roderick and he's like he looks at me and he's with like 30 black football players. I'm like, Roderick, do you remember him? Jeff from Orientation. Oh, Jeff from Orientation. He looks at me, doesn't say a word, and this other guy just goes, Roderick's got friends, and everyone dies laughing, and they just walk away in my face. I was just like, oh, man. And it was just like the ultimate rejection of every football player. You're like, wow, that is not.

Fuck you. You'll be four and six. Yeah. You guys play in a shitty conference. None of you are going to the NFL. Exactly. I remember after one of those criminology classes, I was walking behind this same pack of dudes,

and there was this girl in my class who I thought was the best ass. I was like, man, this girl's ass is crazy. Her body's crazy. And I hear these guys going, man, look at that ass. I couldn't even fit in there, man. Just hearing the difference of what people like. I'm like, dude, for me, that's an A+. For these guys, it's a pass.

It was a hard pass. You couldn't fit in there. It was Roderick and his pal. After that, Roderick and I had no contact. He never even pulled me aside to be away from them. I'm like, hey, man, sorry, but I had to kind of say it. But these guys, there's no deeper rejection than to hear somebody go, Roderick's got friends.

The whole Division won football team. Well, people are like, high five. You know, like it's the best line they've ever heard. Deaf comedy jam reaction. I'm just sitting there. Just sitting there like, you know, just trying to extend a hand to some. Maybe Kofi will get lunch with me. I was like, shit, man.

Oh, my. Yeah, now that I look back on it, it was bad race relations for me that year. I'm going to say. 0 and 2 right there. I'm going to say it's not starting off great, man. This is, so far, we're two weeks in. We're orientation. I mean, the drive already to JMU and the no thanks to fucking.

To orientation. Being accused of being gay. And also loudly. Being an exhibitionist in the room fucking while there's someone in there. Loud too. Loud. Pounding. Rocking those bunk beds. You could kill somebody on the top bunk. You rocked your arm.

You could. And then you're at a fight where. A riot. A riot a fight where. A riot. A riot. Yeah. Well said. A riot. By the way, at that.

Week two. At that riot before the riot happened, I guess I learned a lesson then. Is I recognized this guy from like a neighboring town who played basketball against my brother. My brother's three years older than me. And this guy played basketball, but played football at Maryland. And so I see the guy. I'm like, like hey man are you such and such from uh this is matthew and he's like yeah and i was like oh my brother is and i say my friend he's just like oh okay like that was the reaction like what is happening here man clearly yeah i was just like that was it i was like

good meeting you dude that guy was like six eight like three bills he was a lineman huge guy but uh yeah so that was i was like man i can't get a break here i'm just trying to make friends so that first semester i'm walking that i don't know what class it was but i'm walking on campus and uh once again just coincidentally this black dude comes up to me he's wearing i remember it i must have had a sign on me that was like, ready to be taken. Yeah. Like, if you're a black dude, this guy is as white as they come, and he's naive, and he's ready. This guy comes up to me.

I still remember it. He's in a suit, and he's like, I forget his first. I think his first line was like, man, have you ever considered modeling? And I was just like, what? He's like, have you ever considered modeling? You got a great look. This is a dude just. Yeah. And so I'm like, I'm weird now. K what he's like you ever considered modeling you got a great look this is a dude just yeah and so i'm like i'm weird now he's in you yeah who you working with you know roderick oh you want a roderick guy he definitely knocked you wouldn't be talking to me

so uh and i like i said on craft piece i was a fat kid, and I said on here. And so, you know, for me, that was kind of like, I don't know if you could sense it on me, but that was my vulnerability. It was like, I wasn't fat anymore, and I was like, oh, shit. Even from a man, that's flattering. And I was like, no, man, I don't know what this is about. He's like, I work for this modeling company, and I think you can really get some work. And he gives me this whole spiel, and it's like, come out to my office, just hear it out. So is he a student?

I think he's just a dude who just patrols campus. Yes, looking for idiots like me. So I go, I have to take all these trains to like, I think it was like, Falls Church, Virginia. Yeah, I know Falls Church. So I end up in Virginia. I go meet with this guy. I don't even know if it was like Falls Church, Virginia. Yeah, I know Falls Church. So I end up in Virginia. I go meet with this guy.

I don't even know if it was this guy. I was going to ask you, was it him? No, I think it was somebody else. I think he's just like a ground level recruit. Must have been an early pyramid scheme. You get out on the streets, bring funnel people in. We'll cut you a check. Above you makes more.

So I sit down and they give me this whole, is he going to be doing this? Can we do a print? know we see is this that and i'm you know i've no entertainment background but obviously but what are you in like an office building yeah like does it feel legit look i mean back then i knew you know i knew nothing half the auditions i've been on out here i feel like oh you're in like this could be bullshit you're like am i in a pool house what is this is that camera is there a light on on that thing ain't even plugged in yeah this is some sort of scheme yeah so i don't i mean i'm 18 i have no idea i'm not i had nothing to do with entertainment at the time and uh so the meeting

ends and they're like all right well all we need is a 500 check and uh you know that and then we'll get going from there and i was so enough. I'd write the check out. You brought your checkbook with you? I don't know if I brought it with me or I sent it in somehow. The $500 check gets made. I talked to my parents. They're like, what? Why would you pay $500?

You've got to get that money back. I call and I'm like, I've got to cancel that check. They're just like, no, you can't. They had something crazy. I called the Better Business Bureau. And it was just, like, this scheme. And I couldn't get it back. They just took your file.

Took me for five. So, for me, that was, like, so humiliating. I had told people about it. Like, oh, man, I'm going to be a model. I'm going to be a model. A picture in, like, speed boats. And, like, I'm going to be the next Fabio. And then, like, oh, what happened with it it's like oh you know it didn't you know it didn't turn out but it's like i got fucking taken for 500 bucks so deeply humiliating he brings me back to

childhood it just people you know call me fat it's that you're like yeah it takes you right back yeah trauma yeah and you're like shit this guy this guy took me. So that's my year so far where you're just like. Do you ever see that guy floating on campus again? It's such a huge camp. He barely sees the same people at all. I saw Kofi, though. I did run into him quite a bit. And Rod.

I wonder what happened to Rod. He had some chicken legs on him. He was jacked, but he had the smallest legs. Small legs. Yeah, he wasn't working leg day hard. Skipping leg day. Yeah, he was. smallest legs. Small legs. Yeah, he wasn't working leg day hard. Skipping leg day. Yeah, he was. Making friends.

Beach muscles. Something tells me his football career didn't pan out. So that was, yeah, the modeling, that was horrific. Oh, man. Well, because I've had those dudes that drive around in vans, and I've had them in various states where they come up to you by to buy speakers oh i've had that in la all the time hollywood you buy it you ever do that i did not you didn't sucker for that it was an early lesson for me is like hey you can't trust anybody i'll tell you

what after that five hundred dollars that's not terrible to learn that lesson it was painful especially the trump the emotional pain yes no but in terms of the money, it wasn't crazy. Hey, $500 ain't terrible. But at the time, I was like. Yeah, you were starving college kids. I was beside myself. Oh, man. I couldn't. I was like.

Did you tell your parents? I did. Yeah, they were like, what are you doing? Why would you pay? I was like, that shit doesn't happen down at JMU. They signed you. Yeah, it's like no modeling agents. Scout campus.

Walked around the campus. What if I had gone through with it and I would have been the next top model? You could have been, though. I'm sitting here wondering where you could have taken it, man. You're like, damn, this guy missed an opportunity. It could have been the white Tyson Beckford. Man, how many $500 things were they pulling a day? Oh, I'm sure.

On a huge campus like that, even if you have like 30 people say no, you have five that say yes, that's a good day. They got you. Yeah. It's all in the first half of semester. Yeah. And so then my friend just became, gotten a deep, deep, dark marijuana funk. He stopped leaving the room, stopped going to class.

I don't understand anybody that sits in a room and just smokes marijuana. Why wouldn't you want to go out and enjoy the world? I think he was just depressed. I was going to say it was more than that. Yeah, it was just depression. He wasn't happy want to go out and enjoy the world i think he was just depressed i was gonna say it was more than that yeah it was just depression he wasn't happy there and just uh so then this is your buddy that you started with yeah used to fuck in front of coach yeah yeah loudly uh he was looking through i could saw he had his uh fingers looking through his fingers jerking off hey can you guys switch positions? I'm bored. So we started doing weird shit. Like we said, no friends.

And like, you know, and it's bad when you go with someone because you don't branch out. Right. And so me and him just were just me and him. And so I remember Halloween, like everyone in our dorm was going out there on costume. So we just filled water balloons and we're just hurling them out of the windows at dudes in costumes. Or we hit this guy right in the head. This dude who we didn't like the guy just by the look of him we didn't like the cut of his jib we drilled him i think he's just like a vampire popped him nailed him right in the head he's looking around things got so bad that uh so the meal plan there is uh you have to put a

certain amount of money on your card and whether you use that money or not there's no rollover it's just gone oh really yeah that's fucked up so towards the end of the semester you just have x amount of money and you know some good people uh you know buy food give it to homeless whatever give it to homeless people do good things we bought like they had a bakery for some reason in this place and we bought like a full cake and they could, they charge you like buy the slice probably costs like $80 bought a full cake and the high, the high rise dorms go to like the top floor and just hurl it off. To hit people or just let it go. Or if it did,

it did. If it did, it did. But we were hoping not just as a scare tactic. Right. And so we, we bomb it out. It's one of those where you let it go and you're like, Oh shit. Like I let it go too far, you know, too far. coping just as a scare tactic. Right. And so we bomb it out.

It's one of those where you let it go, and you're like, oh, shit, like I let it go too far. You know, too far. You're like, I didn't want to go too far. I wanted to go, like, in the middle of these two groups of people. I didn't want to go, like, and you're like, oh, this could kill somebody at this height. And then it missed, thank God.

You just see the cake just hit from, like, the sky. It just crushed. And you just see people look like, what the hell was that? That was, like was like our entertainment like well what are we doing man this is this isn't good so my my roommate my friend he left he bailed at the first he did he was gone the first semester first semester he's out we're not even through the first no he leaves that first semester so now i'm alone this is the only friend i got a triple and you're the only one in it triple and the only guy they're not feeling it so i, and you're the only one in it, too? Triple. Are you serious? They're not filling it. I met a guy who was – I had a family friend from Pennsylvania who lived where I lived. They moved away.

His cousin was there. I met him, got along. I was like, hey, man, you want to move in? He didn't like his roommate. He moved in. And we got this third guy, this dude named Ari, not Shafir, who was – Shafir was at – he was at Maryland? Same time.

That's nuts. Never across paths that I know of. Who knows? Maybe he was friends with Kofi. He might have been. Oh, yeah? Kofi? A good friend of mine?

So then, Stu Dallari moves in. He's selling grass. He's moving weight out of the dorm room. Like, how much? I don't know, but I would just come back and just him and his, he had this, like, dirty friend with dreadlocks, this white dude, and he'd just be sitting on my bed smoking you know there's nowhere to go in a dorm they're smoking it in the door smoking it in the room and they're like oh is this cool and it's like yeah like i don't love it everybody in the fucking uh hall's gonna care yeah it's like i'm not loving

to do the floor but it's like whatever do you want to do i start pledging this fraternity uh this all jewish fraternity which i grew up in a town i'm jewish but i grew up in a town that was two percent jewish so i was always the token jew among my friends so i joined this fraternity the guy who i brought into my room was he was like friends with all he was a new jersey guy and so a lot of maryland a lot of these big state schools are like new jersey and long island jewish people yeah i had a lot of Maryland, a lot of these big state schools are like New Jersey and Long Island Jewish people. Yeah, I had a lot of Long Island, especially girls that would come to, I went to Towson and they would come. Okay, yeah, it's nearby. So I'd never been around this sort of, this kind of Jew.

These guys were like, these guys were, they were like club promoters at like 18 years. They're like, I'm running this club in New York and something like like who the fuck it is not anything i've ever been around and it's i didn't didn't love it either but i was like ah whatever i have no friends i'll try it out i'll pledge this fraternity uh and it was like the most crazy hazing like what they do just like i i never was touched but there were there were people just being like, it would be mass chaos, just get punched in the face. But like some of these dudes were, one of the dudes. Line you up and just punch?

No, just like it would be like chaotic. You don't know what's going on next thing. You know, some guy's like, oh, I got hit like in the back of the head. And you're like, oh, what? I didn't get touched. You know, like just shit like that. Everything was like that homo rock, get down to your boxers, everything. Get down to your boxers. Like, well, why like that homo rock, get down to your boxers. Everything. Get down to your boxers.

Like, what, why? It's like, just get down to your boxers. Right. Okay. So, I remember there was this one night where I was like, where it kind of jumped the shark for me. So, there were these dudes who lived off campus. I think they were, like, seniors. And it's like, because most of the people, like, the hazing is mainly soft.

You know, they just go through it. They're sophomores. They live in this house now. They're like, we're going to haze you. So, these guys are, like, because most of the people, like the hazing is mainly soft. You know, they just go through it. They're sophomores. They live in this house now. They're like, we're going to haze you. So these guys are like seniors. One of the dudes, remember the little guy that Kid Rock used to roll around with? I do. Joe C.

One of the guys wasn't much taller than Joe C. Okay. And this guy, so they come to the house. I'm probably saying his name wrong, but I'm pretty sure. I think it is Joe C. So they come to the house. One of the guys is wearing a sting wrestling mask, like the house. I probably said his name wrong, but I'm pretty sure. I think it is Josie. So they come to the house. One of the guys is wearing a Sting wrestling mask, like the crow. Like, you're like, what are you, like, this is what we're doing?

Like, the guy's like 21. Like, this is what you're fucking. So it's him. That guy, because I saw him without the mask. He was like this. Sting and Josie. Five foot seven pussies. Josie is like five one.

If that. And these guys are like ruthless hazing. I think one of them hit somebody. It's like really like Josie. Any one of us here could pick you up and like slam you through a table. ECW wrestling style. Like, what do you do? And they're like, they're going crazy.

And I'm like this. They would lock us in this laundry room that was tiny. And my pledge guys are like 25 guys so it feels like you're in a fucking phone booth can't move it's sweaty they turn the dryer on so you're hot as shit and then you they're like don't leave and you know they put fear in you then but you find out that they all just left for that they all went out like so they come back like how long did you all wait in there till they came till they came back and they're did you all wait in there? Until they came back. Until they came back. And they're all drunk. And so then they're drunk. One time, they make you, some reason, like across the board, for fraternities, they make you plank a lot.

Like as a form of punishment, which sucks. You have to sit there and hold it on your elbows on like a tile floor. And we're in our boxers. And one night we're doing that. And all of a sudden I feel someone lift up the back of my box. I'm like, what the? And I turn around. Don't turn. turn back around and i feel a liquid going down my ass and i was like oh and like a second later it was burning like i've never felt in my

life some dude poured tabasco down the crack of my ass which tabasco on your skin, it burns. Yeah. So, like, I, like. Holy shit. Yeah, so I had, like, a burnt crack. Holy shit. So, I remember, like, weeks later being, like, I think after it was all over. Is that kosher? Yeah. Is that kosher? Come on, guys.

I remember being, like, I was asking around, like, hey, man, anyone know who did that to me? And they're, like, oh, the guy's, like, oh, it was me. It was, like, a guy I was cool with. And I was, like, why'd you do that? And he's, like, oh, someone did it to me, which is, like, the guy's like oh it's me it was like a guy i was cool with and i was like why why'd you do that he's like oh someone did it to me which is like the ultimate right fraternity it's like you hated it so it's like so why pass it down like come on dude but uh so so i'm pledging i already hate it there's like five guys in my pledge class who like i hate with a vengeance this one dude i could he like when you're pledging like any they they try to separate

you know like any infraction like but this one guy would always fuck up we'd all get in trouble he's wouldn't give a shit so i couldn't stand this guy a bunch of them all these dudes knew each other like the so the new york and new jersey jewish world like i never went to jewish camp and a lot of people do which i don't know what juice in camps it's a hack joke but don't usually work yeah uh so they all know each other so it's like oh you know my cousin like they went to camp this oh you know like so they all like because they're those camps aren't they're like some for the summer yes or a month and you can go like some kids go from like new york they end up in like new hampshire right yeah and it's like oh you know my we're here for two months yeah you met like my friend from home like so they all knew a friend of like and i hear i am the guy from as i know no one and they're all like they all look the same

they all like a fade and like they're very specific they're wearing like lugs and shit and just so we go on they like you guys got to go on a pledge trip you're going to tulane uh university new orleans they're like we're gonna rent you as uh winnebago's illegally on a fake id because you have to be a certain age so i think 25 to rent a car and you're going to pledge down no you're just we're just going on it like we're giving you a break you're going on a trip so you're still not in the fraternity no they're like go on a trip i remember this dude the dude who rented the winnebago's was like he must have been 25 and this fucking guy no he wasn't he was under 25 he the Winnebago's was like, he must've been 25.

And this fucking guy, no, he wasn't, he was under 25. He had to rent illegally, but he was like, he was old. He was a super duper senior. And the guy like, I remember his thing was he would do this trick where he would hit the bottle as hard as he could on a beer bottle. And he would knock out the circle part on the bottom. So he'd hollow out the bottle and then he would just break it over his forehead as like a party trick and i remember being at a party and he did it and he just gashed his head like as wide open as he can like jimmy snooker just like covered in blood like wearing a blood mask and they're like dude we gotta call paramedics and the guy's like

no no they call paramedics he's refusing to's like, no, no. They call paramedics. He's refusing to be taken in. They're basically like, we're going to arrest you if you do that. Like, you need to be stitched up. This guy was the biggest moron I've ever met in my life. Guy's name was Shep. I don't know what his last name was. Jesus Christ. So he rents the Winnebago's.

We go down on this trip. The expectation was they give you like a big brother. You got to steal shit from the school store and bring it back for your big brother which is like oh great like all i need to be is arrested in new orleans um so i'm on this trip most on another campus yeah yeah and in the community the camp community these guys all had buddies at tulane it's like oh fuck yeah we're going to see xyz these are my friends you know whatever they'll take care of it so we're in these Winnebago's I remember it was being It was a big deal About what Winnebago

You ended up like High school bullshit Of like oh This one's the cool Whatever I ended up obviously On the less Less cool one

Which was fine with me It was like the guys I actually got along with Was on it Go to Tulane Have the weekend there Sunday rolls around We gotta go back

We're in school So we gotta go back And I remember my Winnebago left early The other one They were all like Partying harder than us they're like we'll meet you back so then we're driving back it's pretty cell phones so we're driving back where i still remember we're in cleveland kentucky i think wow which uh it's a bizarre yeah and uh so we make a rest stop

and there's a pay phone and my roommate the, the dude who, like, knew a lot of these guys, and, like, their moms know each other, you know, the whole network. He calls home, and she's like, did you hear what happened? He's like, no. And she's like, you guys got to stop driving. And I see his face, like, completely change, and he, like, I think started crying. And so what happened was the other Winnebago is coming i think either on and off ramp or off and the guy driving like was messing with like cds and shit like looking down goes off the ramp he swerved and went off the ramp off the ramp a dude was sleeping in the bed

above the driver he goes out the window no and he got pinned between the vehicle and the tree oh my god died uh so so then wait so he goes off the off ramp and hits a tree and the tree stops and it pinches the guy so the guy like when are they airborne i think he i think he i think he must have hit the brakes before like seeing it that threw the guy out he got pinned between stuck between uh they... They killed their friend? Yeah. Holy shit. And that guy just transferred to school that semester. Fuck. Yeah, with like a best friend, and they had another best friend.

All these guys, a lot of them are from the same town, same area. And so I didn't know him well. I mean, I knew the guy. You know, I knew him. So then next, like a lot of this stuff, for like i was already not happy so i was just in like a dark depression i don't even remember i remember next thing i know i just remember i'm in new jersey i get a flight there to go to this funeral like in my mind i'm like i just want to go home like to where i'm from but it's like i can't drop out of school how well how far in a year one are we right now? This is second semester, man.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's brutal. Holy shit. Yeah, wasn't a good start. God damn. Holy fuck. You've been to a funeral. I mean, did you get into the fraternity?

Well, so. After this, I feel like everybody should just get in. So they, I mean, the school was investigating, like, A, you rented Winnebago. Winnebago. Illegally. This guy's bleeding from the fucking face. Which is a huge lawsuit. The school, I think, got sued.

They did. I think, like, the fraternity was like, you may have to disband. Because, like, it was like, this is such bad such bad pr it's like it gets news yeah so we go back to campus and they're like basically they're like you know it's a dark mood like no you know everyone's in a bad place and they're like you guys are done but you know pledging's over basically you're right you're in but it's like you know it's just like yeah it's just like yeah right okay great and then even though it was a big school everyone knew like who if you were like everyone knew who we were so it's like you just went everywhere you went like you just feel people

like looking at you talking about you like people didn't know how to act around you know like the few people that i knew outside of there just like like weird to you. And so I just was like literally shut off from I just like I'm going to stay in my room. And I had a literal I was like a kid counting down to Christmas, counting down the days until I was like, I need to transfer. I don't know where I don't know how I'm getting out of here. And then, yeah, just I got out of there. And then on my way out, the year gets bookended. So a lot of the guys in the fraternity weren't happy that I was leaving. Even though I wasn't, like, some of the older guys liked me,

but, like, I guess they didn't like that I was leaving. Like, one guy's like, you're making the mistake of your life, man. He sits me down. And he says? Yeah, I was like, okay, like, cool. Like, hey, man, I'm not happy here. So, like, it doesn't feel like a mistake at all. And he's just like, you know, gives me this pep talk of, like, you know,

sometimes you turn it around, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I don't think so. So then just apparently somebody didn't like me or they didn't like that I was leaving. So then all of a sudden there's rumors that I'm leaving school because I'm gay. Here we go again. Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. And in my mind, I'm like, am I doing something that's putting off?

Am I coming off a different way than I think I'm coming off? I had a girlfriend, by the way, at Penn State from my high school, and that was like I'd visit back for. That was horrific. Just because you're trying to, you know, you're like in your head you're like oh this is gonna work yeah it's penn state's in the middle of nowhere it's in the middle of nowhere i went up there did not get molested by sandusky somehow you figure that would have that probably would have been the topper but uh yeah so then that rumor and i have a guy one of the guys like who i really like nice dude

comes up to me as a sophomore and he's like he's wasted i'm not i don't think he's like look man i don't it's not it's all right you're gay man like you're cool with me he's like you're cool with me man he's like i like i love i accept it i'm like dude like what i'm like i'm not but like again he wouldn't accept nobody would it be like and i don't know to this day i don don't know who started, who said that. And, uh, so I got out of there basically. Jesus Christ. I've talked to like one year.

You were gay at university of Maryland. They say a lot of dudes experiment. I should have, I had every right to jerk a guy off as a trial and I didn't take it. I had a free pass. Holy shit. I was gay for a year that I didn't touch a dude, didn't kiss a dude. Yeah, my gay year at Maryland.

So I left. I transferred to a tiny school in Florida. What school? It's called Rollins College. Finally went to where it was warm. Well, we had the record snowfall. I was like, this is the shittiest. That's right.

That happened. I should have ended up at JMU, man. I should have gone. By the way way the guys in this fraternity were uh what a fucking shitty year have you right have you ever heard of a drug called lemons i don't i think it was from these club kids from new york and new jersey look man i'm telling you weed is it okay i've never done acid coke i've i mean uh i'm not into pills or any of that shit so this year that year this for these guys were just doing these these pills like i think it was lemons i think it was just for a hip roofies yeah that they called lemons and these guys were just every they're taking them or giving them to take them i'm sure both were taking them like crazy and i'm just i'm like you i'm a drink i did a little bit of weed what didn't really sit

with me good so i stopped and see i'm the other way with the alcohol okay i'm good i can i have half a beer and i'm good you know so these guys are just getting like crazy you know fall down it was just i was like i gotta get out of here so i had two friends who went to this school called rollins uh from high school and i i was i was a ship without us i had no captain of the ship no clue what i was good if it were up to me i probably would have gone home and not gone to school and my mom's your buddy who went with you did he finish school anywhere he went to uh umass actually yeah and he finished but so my mom was like hey go visit your friends like you're unhappy on spring break i went down there i was like yeah it, it fits.

It's small, warmer, good enough. So I ended up there. But I remember the first day of my sophomore year. I drive down with these two of my best friends from growing up. We all played sports. We played high school basketball. One of my friends is actually the pro golfer. He played golf in college.

Did about zero work in college. Oh, yeah. He put it on the line. I'll give him that. You wear headphones in class, too? He didn't, but he put it on the line. So I go down there, and I remember the campus, if anyone knows Rollins College, is like, it's picturesque.

It's on a lake. It looks like a country. There's a pool on campus. It's unreal. And I remember I drive down. We drove from Massachusetts in a caravan with my buddies. And, uh, I remember I drive down, we drove from Massachusetts, like in a caravan with my buddies. And like, I remember just going down to that Lake and I'm just looking at the water.

Cause I thought like, oh, you leave, you know, all this depression, all this bad last year will be gone. But you know, it's like wherever you go, there you are. Yeah. And so I just feel that same dark depression and I just go down to this Lake and I'm just weeping by myself oh my god you are you're just out there crying by myself just because like i'm like fuck man here i am i thought everything was gonna change first day and it followed me down and then i sucked the

guy's dick right there and then maryland started telling me to come back and then i saw rod eric he trained now what's up, Rod? The things turned for me, the next three years were way better. I found my footing. Thank God. Yeah, it was a tough start. That's a hell of a shot out of the gate, man. Man, it was pretty much Murphy's Law.

That's a 10-year, enough for 10 years that you lived in one fucking year. That was a full college time that's why i was like i've had everything i've had here thanks maryland ari shafir you can take jim henson you can sell yours connie chung you guys could take it wow fuck your crabs fuck old bay seasoning i am god i don't blame you one bit, dude. Oh, by the way, while I was there, one more story. One of the kids I could not stand. There were three dudes, and they were good friends with the dude who passed away. I wasn't great friends with the guy, but I knew him.

And so these guys are in a dark place. Their good friend from home is the guy who was driving. He left campus. He was gone. I'm God. I can't imagine. Yeah, can't either. He's gone.

So there's three dudes these dudes i'd never encountered this in my life like for me dave matthews has always been like a laughable group you know it's just like if you're in like chicks are into dave matt you know like growing up i was like i knew of them i never was in i was always into hip-hop never into them but weren't they always around virginia they i think they were big in that area yeah and so these these three dudes like were they followed dave matthews like people follow fish right they had bootleg tape and i was like that's lame these dudes these three guys were from long island they were like thick as thieves they like one big dude was like they're like this one small guy would just run his fucking mouth and the big dude would like back it up if he had to so i forget what happened this guy had a pair of like toy handcuffs on at the thing and he's like hey man and he slapped it on my hand real quick and then slapped it on like the banister at the

fraternity house and so i'm just stuck there and i was like trying to grab because i was like i didn't like the guy to begin with and i was like hey man i was trying to grab him and he was out of my reach i think i did grab all of them once and then this big button like so i was like i forget how long i was locked up but then i was like i'm fucking done with this like damn yeah these guys are douche scumbag yeah i got it like like like you're the guy was tiny it's like wouldn't have been a fair fight me versus him it's like hey man you want to mess around let's let's do it and his big buddy comes he's like hey i'm like really dude like i think obviously everyone was in a dark place but i i keep in touch with about one one one guy from there that's about it i ran into one guy in rouse in la from there he kind of looked like i

was like hey man what's up and he gave a quick what's up he's probably like oh this guy's probably smoking smoking d's in West Hollywood. He probably told her, but I saw that gay guy was in our friend. Yeah, man. He's gayer than ever. You should have seen him. I've got to get into this. I'll segue into this. It's Valentine's Day coming up.

And as I said, you can tell, as a a kid this is before i was in elementary school but before like i was into like into girls but like you know like i wanted the attention of it like it was a status thing and so i want like and i'm i'm always the fat kid no one no lady attention i was a very late bloomer until like high school i was not getting much of anything really yeah but always the you know the funny guy always but that's like a friend yeah it's the funny guy but i'll be your pal right right i can't wait to touch my titties i'll touch yours yeah so uh so i remember elementary school valentine's day is rolling around and and i'm just you know like i would love any sort of attention and so then out of nowhere there's a box of chocolates

forest gum style ends up in my mailbox at my house and so and it's like it says my name like in hindsight there were some red flags which i'll get to after the story so i get this box and it's like with an a let i think a card and it's it's flat youy. How old are you again at this point? I'd say fourth or fifth grade. Elementary school. And so it's flowery. I'm your secret admirer. I have such a huge crush on you.

And I was too embarrassed to do this. But I'll reveal myself soon. And blah, blah, blah, blah. On and on and on. And I'm pumped. I'm calm. I'm calling buddies up. I'm like, who could it i'm like get you know i think it might be this person like i have a class whatever trying to figure it out and i forget how long it went on but then my brother's like you're

so it was me i said i sent you that and i remember just such a gut punch. Such a gut. In hindsight, I don't think there was any postage on this thing. Would someone's parents drive them? You're in fourth grade. Would they ride their bike? How'd they know where I live? How long did he let you go for?

I think it was probably, I would guess, like four days to a week oh that's great which is enough to just tell everybody you know i'm on top of the world look at this fucking idiot and i remember just being so beside myself for some reason my whole family like thought it was funny and so i'm just like bawling crying and they're like dying like this is like this is the greatest this is the greatest prank like oh like great ingenuity to my brother you cry like my feelings are hurt over here so yeah it was a similar that i should have learned there because it was very similar to the modeling you gotta be careful man you gotta hedge your Yeah, my brother still, he apologizes every now and then for like, he's like, I treated you wrong as a kid. Because there's more? It's not just that.

We fought nonstop. I love that it got to him. Until about 18. Have you ever heard of a breezeway? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so we had a breezeway. If you don't know what it is, it's between. It's a go between your garage and your house. Yeah.

And so we had that. And so the roof, you could get to it through my sister's window and sit on top of it. And so when he was in middle school and I was in elementary school, he would get home before me because we got out later. And I would walk up. You know, you have your head down. And he would just throw like a bucket of water on my head. Fairly regularly. He's up there just sit just sit waiting just probably just waiting for what's your age difference three years hello and so he had in any physical fight like i would get some licks in but i would always like

it was the type where you get one good and you're like oh this is coming back yeah like i hit him too hard dude he would pretend to wash his hands in our kitchen sink. And you know that, like, I don't know if sinks have them too much anymore. The sprayer? The gun, the sprayer. Yeah. He would just have it ready and turn it and just drill me. And like, dude, come on.

He would do a lot with water. He would wake me up with a bucket of water to the face. And your parents never got on? I mean, a little bit. But, like, when they really got on them is when I went to swim practice one time in the winter. And I'm wearing the Speedo. You know, nothing to hide. There's nowhere to hide.

And I have bruises all over my body. And the coach comes up to me and they're like, is everything okay? You're like, man, my brother's being ashamed. And I was like, what? I was like, what? I was like, wait, what? I was like, I don't understand. Are you gay? We've seen you looking at some of the other boys.

It's all right with me. Hey, we're fine with it. We don't care what you do. We saw Glory Hole in the locker room. We think you did it. with it we don't care what you're doing that we saw glory hole in the locker room we think you did it so uh so they're like and i'm like oh you think these are from my parents i was like oh no these are from my brother and the coach is like that's still a form of abuse and i remember i remember in that moment being like yeah wait till i go home and tell my parents

yeah so i went home and i was like well the swim coach thinks you guys are beating me but the good news is it's not you it's him and they were but it didn't let you know i didn't didn't buy me much did they have to go talk to him they talked to him but like we just fought a lot some of it was my fault i would you know like when you're a little brother you do you have a younger brother yeah he's on he's not quite four years would you guys fight you we would fight we'd fuck with him a lot too we like i would i would push fire the shit out i would push buttons to the point of like they would be you know like i probably deserved it yeah but uh you know you just don't know any but like but yeah i got to the point where the fights fights got bad we got i got to be the

height i am now and my brother's you know he know, he's 5'10". Then it just shifted. Well, yeah, a little bit. He's 5'10". My brother could dunk, though. He was. Damn, I'm 5'10". I could never dunk. He was a thousand point scorer in basketball.

He could dunk. Dude, he dunked in games. That's big at 5'10". 5'10", white, Jewish, and you dunk in games. That's rare. I mean, X, X, Xx and he's still nailing it he would uh he would he was in competitive games he was in dunk contests what he's like your spud web he was in this dunk contest with this guy who must have been like 28 this guy he went by the

name bunny jefferson i don't know his real name something Something Jefferson. And his gimmick was he would wear pajamas and bunny slippers into the gym. Like house party, pajama party, the movie. So he comes in. I remember it was in this town. My brother would do 360. He was a two-foot jumper, so he wasn't doing anything crazy. But when you see a five-foot-ten, probably one of the only

white guys in the contest. Even if you're just a regular dunk it, that's beyond impressive. So that was what I was following. Now here I come, I'm 6'3", I'm carrying extra weight. My coach has my brother who's like, if he told him to run through a wall, my brother's running through the wall. With me, I'd be like, what? Because I show up, I have a beard in high school,

and he's like, you've got to shave your beard. I'm like, why? You had a beard in high school? I did, yeah. You're like my buddy, Jim. But see, usually guys like that are bald. Yeah, because they produce more. Yeah, I got hair, why? You had a beard in high school? I did, yeah. You're like my buddy, Jim. But see, usually guys like that are bald. Yeah. Yeah, because they produce more.

Yeah. Yeah, I got hair, though. You do. But yeah, I guess he was buying all the alcohol with no fake ID. I think. So I was our buddy, too. Which is the worst. No ID at all.

It's a gift and a curse. They didn't even card him. You come in. Called him sir and shit. You had to go in with a scroll because you're buying it for like every group of friends in school. You're like, I want. do you drink Mad Dog 2020? Yeah, we have Mad Dog.

You buy Mad Dog. Boone's Farm. My buddy loves Boone's Farm. Cisco and the Bartles and James. Why can't you just drink beer? Why not just beer? I once drank, fuck, what is it? It's in a green, a Tangeray straight up.

I'm not a Tanger. Tastes like pine needles. We're just drinking it out of the bottle. Me and my friend were like, what is it? It's in a green, a tangeray straight up. I'm not a tanger. Tastes like pine needles. We're just drinking it out of the bottle. Me and my friend, we're like, what are we doing? You look back at that, we're drinking straight up gasoline, rocket fuel. I just had some moonshine the other night. I did this show up in Northern California, and this guy gave me some butterscotch moonshine,

and it was the fucking best shit. It was so delicious I couldn't believe it I was like this is smooth Isn't it Where were you In a restaurant or something Or just

No we were actually At a winery Okay And this dude was like So he makes all this shit But he's like Try this shit Cause I was gonna say like

I know comics Who just take like Just like unwrapped Drugs from like audience And it's like I wouldn't take food You don't even know what I wouldn't take food. You don't even know what.

I'm scared of food. I'm not taking it. I barely want to shake. I'm fist bumps are the guy. I don't like germs. Yeah. You guys are like, hey, here's a jar of shrooms I got. I'm going to eat them right here. It could be PCP.

You don't know where you're going. It could be anything. You're like, these guys just go. I have friends who are comics who are like, I found a pill on the ground. I thought it was drugs, so I took it. It's like, that is not my. No, that's not me. Not what I.

I'll never forget. There was this one time I watched that. It was the Whitney and Bobby Brown show. Yeah. And it was an episode where they were shopping in like London or something. And he kept asking the guy. Bobby Brown kept asking. I think he was asking for Viagra.

I might have it wrong. I think he was asking for Viagra and the guy. Because I don't have that. But I've got these. And he pulls his hand out and he's got like three or four pills in it. And Bobby Brown grabs them, throws them in his mouth, and takes a swig of water.

But he didn't even know what the fuck they were. You might not even have been able to take that combination of pills. He's got pocket lenses. Oh, wait. I had a cyanide pill in there. I hope that didn't get into my palm. Oh, my God.

Dude, I got a quick story. So I delivered groceries for years in Hollywood as a day job. Brutal job. I think I talked about it a little bit on Crab Feast with O'Neal when we were on with you guys. Yeah, you got to check their episode out. Final 10. We were late comers there. We were, but just in time.

I wanted to get on the ground floor with Honeydew, man. I wanted to get some of those stock options. Goddamn. So I don't know why Bobby Brown sparked this. I think I know why, in a way. So we would deliver to this, you know park lebray in la if you don't know it here but it's uh basically all these high-rise buildings in one i swear to god it looks like it used to be projects i think it will be in about 15 years yeah probably across

the street from there they have these luxury uh places called palazzo yeah manny pack yeah i used to watch 24-7 that's where he was staying yeah he was but he was living in the closet but like 15 of those guys were in there together. Yeah, it's like, you got money. You can't get two, three rooms. So I never saw him, but we would deliver to that Palazzo, both of those a lot, but Palazzo was horrible. It was like every douchey, like they're

all by the pool. Sometimes you have to deliver shit to the pool, like, you know, these like frat dudes, you know, like hey, we're bringing it over here. So I remember we would always deliver to this guy in there uh he would get like a bottle of wine like one other thing and he would always give you exact change no tip you every time no tip no tip yeah and we all hated going there because you see you know you would see the names on the screen like oh shit and you'd get you'd

have to get he was a dick too i once uh gave him the bag and you know you know, you know no tips coming, so I'm not going to be giving you much service. So I just put the bag. He would open the door like a crack. And I'd put it down by, like, his feet. He's like, you're not going to put it in the door? And I was like, all right. So I put it in the door. And the guy shuts the fucking door.

I'm like, okay. And he would always wear, like, a wife beater. And then I remember I come back to work, and they're like, hey, man, I forget the guy's name. You hear what happened to so-and-so? It was that guy. And I was like, no. They're like, oh, he's dead.

What? And I was like, wait, what? And they're like, look it up. Saying another Winnebago story. No, so I'm like, look it up. So I look it up on my phone, and one time, actually, I got his girlfriend. He wasn't there. She's like, oh, come girlfriend it was he wasn't there she's like

oh come in super nice she's like come on in like like the nicest could be and i was like in my mind what's she doing this asshole and so this guy this made big news so this guy is on the phone with floyd mayweather this guy's like a rapper who i've never heard of uh he was isaac hayes's son i think i think he went by the name hayes so he's on the phone with floyd mayweather good friends and mayweather i guess is allegedly telling him like hey man your girl's cheating on you i guess she was like some reality show singing person uh-huh and he's like your girl's cheating on you like with this this artist this artist this, you got to get rid of her. On the call, Mayweather hears gunfire.

That girl's killed. Kills the girlfriend on the phone with Mayweather. Wait, hold on a second. You're telling me while they're talking, he just pulled a gun out and shot her on his word? Yes. Holy shit. She's taking a bath. It was like 6 or 7 a.'s taking a bath it was like 6 or 7 a.m which who calls somebody at 6 7 7 a.m but so maybe i don't know what happened the rest of the call

maybe whether he is i don't know if he said turn yourself in whatever or whatever all of a sudden maybe there's another bullet guy kills himself jesus christ i read the article this guy i guess had like some crazy amount of weed in that apartment. They just said it was a drug deal. You know, like, and I'm like, oh, no wonder he's opened the door crack. Right. Like this guy is just a guy who's protected with a bunch of guns in the apartment. Like, yeah, I'd been to that apartment probably 20, you know, 25 times.

You're like, man, that's crazy. Damn. And here's what a good guy mayweather is that that guy i guess was a good friend of his and this is not only that even if they're not good friends but you're on the phone you hear a murder suit on the you're on the phone and you're partially responding like you give this guy news fuck yeah that you don't 100 know is true i'm guessing where is floyd that night la lakers game-uh. I saw it on TV, man. I'm like, this guy is.

He just listened to a guy kill an innocent, cheating's not a crime, innocent girl, and then commit suicide. And I'm assuming Mayweather had spent a good portion of his day talking to cops. I mean, you heard everything. You know, the guy's out of the game right big smile i was like this guy is a different different breed wow i was like fuck and i didn't like mayweather to begin with he has a bunch of domestic violence he does have a lot and i was and he just i just don't like the whole persona i just think it's lame but after that i was like this guy is not i I mean, that's low.

But in my mind, I was like, just when you read, it spooked me. Just like, you're like, man, you know, that guy came out and his lady was talking to me a certain way he didn't like. You know, you don't know where this guy's head's at and what's going on. But yeah, I was like, shit, I gotta get out of this job. Damn, no shit. Holy fuck. Yeah, I'll bring it out of this job. God damn, no shit. Holy fuck. Yeah, I'll bring it out of death here. I got to get it.

So my brother, as I said, my brother was a part of, he's since changed his ways. But my brother's always been kind of an all or nothing sort of guy. He's giving you 80 miles per hour. He's giving you zero. And so he was, whatever reason, he decided he was not going to drink high school which is that that's your deal that's your deal that's interesting though because i don't even remember anyone i knew making that conscious decision to not just all the way through high school so my high school had this group called guts it was an acronym it's called it's growing up and taking a stand it's like like you signed some contract. You're like, I'm not going to drink.

So him and all his buddies were in it. You know what? I'm going to interrupt, but I feel like we did have that. It was like a MAD, a Mothers Against Drunk Driving contract for prom night or something like that. You weren't going to drink, but if you did, you were going to get a limo or a safe ride or something like that. This was just like, we're going to abstain from drugs and alcohol. And that was his deal. So I get to high school.

And, you know, part of me, even though we didn't get along, I wanted to emulate my brother. So I was like, me and my friends joined this thing. You know, I'm coming out of eighth grade. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't doing anything. But then, like, as time goes on, we're like, man, like, everyone's, you know, people going to parties. People are hooking up. And what's the one thing that's always there and involved it's alcohol so we're like man this

this this group isn't doing as well so we all dropped out and uh we started drinking i started drinking i think my freshman or sophomore year remember the first time i ever drank was these hockey players who were always like drinking when they're like seven years old i grew up in the northeast and it's big hockey seven no i mean i'm joking i mean i'm talking these guys are all dipping like they're all like yeah hockey players are different i mean we had we had kids smoking weed telling me in fifth grade and i was like fifth grade yeah man you're early that's way early at least wait till six yeah new school get into the middle school yeah you got now grown problems you got dioramas to make so i remember these dudes took me to like you know when you're that age you got to go to like random parks and you can't because you know you're nowhere to go and when you're from a

cold weather climate we just drink outside dead of winter and like yeah we would we would put the kegs outside to keep them cold i remember now i remember even now people like you drink beer as fast and the reason is is we would all be in one car and you can't you're not going to drink in the car because like you know you're gonna get cops come you're inside you're done so we would go outside and you drink and as soon like you have whatever you have 12 whatever you have you divvy it up for everyone and as soon as you're done drinking you can go back in the car with the heat so I remember you just learned

to drink you're conditioned like a pound like a man so like as an adult like I do like what the hell like you just drank that beer in two sips and it just you can't get rid of that habit so my brother didn't drink and so I my parents had they had no

experience with dealing with someone you know some drunk idiot coming home and they didn't know i was drinking so i'm at this party and i'm still part of guts at this point no i'm out we were out and like the head guidance counselor who was this dude who must he's gay he's leaving because he's gay get himself he takes that bottle in too deep that's what it is he's gay. He takes that bottle in too deep. That's what it is. He's gay. That's all right, man. The head of this thing, this guidance counselor,

who I think may have been in the dude, he loved my friend. This guy had a good-looking friend. He loved him. And he was, like, pissed that we dropped, you know, like he knew everything about everyone, like who's fucking. One of those teachers, you're like, you know too much. What are you doing? Do you have a narc or something?

So he was pissed we dropped out. So I'm at this party. And back then back then you know i'm a middle child uh ended up a comic for for a reason needed attention i would wear overalls as like you know for irony's sake and just like wearing the parties fucking around you know i'm not from the south i'm from you know northern most place so i'm wearing overalls and i and i just come out of the gate in high school it's all about finding your finding your limits and you go over and how do you find them you go over them and you just puke everywhere you get wasted so we're at this party and i remember we're just going you know you get there and you're 18 you're just full you know full of testosterone you get crazy so we're just drinking like maniacs i remember we would always we would always be

like oh that'll be enough for us and then next thing you know you're out and you're like we're out of beer like well now what and so all the the girls we hung out with would always over by like crazy so i remember me and this guy just pounding z remember zima of course i think i think it did i don't think it took off oh no it looked. It looked and tasted kind of like Sprite. Yeah. Very syrupy. I remember we're drinking those, pounding these girls' zima, like, outside so they don't catch us. But we're filling them back up with water and trying to, like, beat the caps back onto them.

Putting them back. And I remember one of them goes, someone put water in this. So I remember, you know, nights start early. People's parents try to tell you to party like 11 o'clock rolls around i'm like i gotta go home and my friends like dude you go home and i can you know i'm like stumbling like you go home now like you're getting caught and i'm just like i gotta go i feel like i'm gonna puke i'm like i gotta get out of here i gotta get out of here so they drive me home i'm like passing out in the car and they're like they were in my drive

when i remember they're like don't don't go in like don't do this and i'm like i gotta i gotta get out of here i gotta go in i gotta go in so i stumble out i walk inside and i'm like in my mind like be cool you know my parents most likely in bed if they were up i was done and so i walk in i see a note it's like we went out to dinner we'll be back and i'm like oh fuck i just hit the jackpot so i think i drank some water trying to like sober up a little bit stumble upstairs i and uh i go to take a piss and do that you have to do undo the overall latches only a southern man knows that problem or somebody wearing i'm like me like an idiot so i take the piss i don't undo i don't do them back up and i make the fatal mistake and let me lay in my bed for like just a second and i for whatever reason i was the only kid in my family to have a tv in my room and so i turn

you know have you ever you wake up and your tv's up to like 87 decibel levels because you're drunk. So I have the TV up to like insane volume. All I remember is my mom coming in my room. Jeff? I'm like, yeah, yeah. Wait, hold on. I'm wasted. She's like, are you alright?

And I look, my overalls are around my knees. Pants hanging off around my knees. Your dick's out? I don't think my dick's out, but I'm in my overalls are around my knees. Pants hanging off around my knees. Your dick's out? I don't think my dick's out, but I'm in my boxers. TV's on, full blast. And I don't even remember the rest of the conversation. I just remember the next morning, she's like, were you drinking?

And I was like, no. And for whatever reason, the no sold her. It did? But then she was like, you were. And I was like, yeah, I was. I didn't get grounded or anything, but they weren't happy. They weren't impressed. This is the first time they dealt with it.

Right. My brother did me bad that second time in a row. He didn't pave the way for the brother. He stayed guts all the way through? Didn't hook a brother up. He started drinking when he was like 30 years old. A real loser. I'm chain smoking and drinking.

The guy had his first taste as a married man. What do you do? You saving yourself for marriage? It was weak. I have time for one more. Yeah. So related to underage drinking. In my town, these cops, their main priority was busting.

If they busted an underage drinker like it made their year that must have been like how they were paid they buy at one point my town used taxpayer money to buy a hovercraft we there was a river nearby and they were like and i'm assuming the hovercraft what are you what crimes out there what could you possibly have to do other than like just to cruise up and down this river in a hovercraft it was like millions of dollars in the paper it was like three million dollars these idiots used to buy it jesus christ and there's no crime where i'm from to be honest uh and if there is they're not solving it because they're just busy busting parties we i mean we had a lot of state maryland state

troopers that were like that in our our area too and so these guys just had a hard that was it there was this one main cop and he like anytime something happened i think he must have been most senior he would make like a con like there was a drinking driving accident in my town where a kid unfortunately was killed and the guy he didn't say like good but he was not remote you know it was basically it should be a lesson this dude's like someone's life just got cut short you know like that's your kind of so everyone hated this guy and so we would hang out at this elementary school like in the parking lot like dazed and confused we had nowhere to go and pre-cell phones you would just drive

from one you know like no one's there oh let's go you know and you could have just been missing everybody and so there was like a series of weeks where the cops were just swarming out and they would just beeline to who like if you if you had a beer and we were like, they must be. There was like a road that went above this place. And like, they must be up there with like binoculars or night vision or something. Because they were going right for who was that. Like, and they would arrest you right, boom, you're out. And so I was, so I, there's a night, it's slow.

It's, we're bored. And I'm like, I have an idea. And I'm like, I have an idea. So I was like, I have an idea. I want to test out to see if they're staking out this school. So we go to the grocery store. And I think I forget how I knew they had them. But have you ever had the, remember IBC Roop here? Oh, yeah.

So we got like the, they're not quite 40 ounces. I think they were 32s so the bit like the big tall boy i think we had some of them in bags to look like we're drinking 40s so we all get those and we're sitting around there's no one we show up there's one there's two dudes we knew they were football players uh one of them was drinking like budweiser and we're like hey man just so you know like our plan is to lure a cop. He's like, oh, yeah, whatever, fine. We're making all this noise, just being idiots, drinking the root beer. All of a sudden, I'd say four or five cop cars pull up in the Mighty Duck Flying V with a motorcycle cop in front.

Are you serious? I swear, dude. It was like they were ready to take like the 10 guys to jail and the main cop who we all hated the guy who was that dick he gets out he has like eight pairs of cuffs in his hand he drops one and one of my friends was is uh he's a real like northeastern hippie and he's like you dropped your cuffs and he's like what who said that right away all amped up it's so me and one of the guys has gloves leather gloves on like he's like can't touch the evidence like he's got a fingerprint shit it's so in my mind i'm starting to like this may be a horrible like because this is their word again say they say this is beer

right oh fuck and like you know all these guys have stashes like real typical and so they get out and they go right up to that football player the budweiser he gets cuffed boom he's in a car he's already in right so we're like like it took like five seconds and we're like oh we all look around at each other like oh shit like this wasn't part of the deal and so we're getting oh everyone's getting worried and so this guy the main guy comes up to us and he's like you know being a real dick like look at what we have here huh you guys just having a good night out he's like look you guys drinking what are you drinking and we all like no one says

anything and this guy was with us like tilts the bottle to him he's like root beer like i kind of asked and the guy's like i'll be the judge of that and he rips it out of his hand he smells it he's like oh that's root beer all right he's pissed beyond pissed that like because he knows what we're doing right and we're like some of us are laughing he's like not you called it though not happy so then they start they would stay like they'd followed no rules of like proceeding they'd know they would stay like, they'd followed no rules of like proceed. Like they'd know they would search a car. Like, no, you can't say no.

So they start looking in our cars with flashlights. And all of a sudden they go to my friend's car and they're like, oh, look at this. Somebody's got a cooler in the backseat. And that wasn't part of the plan. And we're like, fuck this idiot. You didn't even know? No. Like this idiot forgot he had a cooler in his back seat like what the fuck man so the cop's like how about we take the cooler out

get a little inspection of it huh and so my friend takes the cooler out he opens it up and i and like and we just see like our friends back and the cop can't see what's in it we're like we're all like shit man this guy's going to jail and he and you hear the cop go yogurt that's real healthy and he's like yeah yeah and he's like i'm gonna tell you guys this and i'm gonna tell it to you once you get the fuck out of here and if I see you on this property the rest of tonight, you're all going to jail. So we're like, let's get the hell out of here, and for the rest of our time in town, even when I would come back from college under 21, I would keep my nose clean because this guy was gunning for us.

Oh, I love it, dude it dude he was pissed you were right though you flushed him out of there and they were they were staking out so then people got smarter by what was going on that was fucking great i remember that oh and i was like he was they i thought he was gonna like hit one like you know when you're a kid and you see an adult, you're like, he may punch one. He's so enraged. He had that look, and he's like, get the fuck out of here. That was the best, because that wasn't part of the plan.

It made it that much sweeter. Because it made us so scared. And then when you hear the yogurt You're like What do you have a yogurt for Activia You like good digestion Like Jamie Lee Curtis That is hilarious

Could I end on one more Yeah I want to tell you real quick So we had that same dick cop um may have got transferred and he uh he would so he pulled a gun on my brother jesus we were in a barn um at a con it was a band local bands playing this barn party and the young josh adam meyers yeah and somebody was rumored to have weed. And when they came in, someone took their pipe, and it's a barn. They just fucking threw it. Like, literally, needle in a haystack.

Good luck finding it. Yeah. And he just pulled his gun out, and he's pointing in children's faces. What the fuck? Like, this guy's an asshole. Yeah. And obviously unstable. Unstable.

And then one time, we're in my buddy Suzuki Samurai. Oh, that's a sweet ride. And we're at the stoplight, and he is in the car right next to us. And we see him. Yeah. Of course we're not going to do anything fucking stupid. But you're also a little on edge. Don't even sneeze.

Don't move. No. Don't give him a reason. Don't give him a reason. Don't give him a reason. And my buddy gets nervous, and it's a stick shift. And when the light turns green His foot slips off the clutch a little bit

And we go We chirp it And here He pulls us over And he's like what's going on You know he's flashlight searching us Smelling us The whole thing

And we're like nothing man He got nervous He fucking scared the guy This guy's 60 He's a new driver man He's brand new at this shit Yeah give him a chance And there's four of us in the car and he

looks at us and he made you get out nope you know what he said to us this fucking piece of shit goes all four you'll be dead before you're 25 jesus that's a bold it's a bold gamble even if you guys were into a life of crime chances are that wouldn't happen four for four it might have been younger but he definitely it was in the 20s. Jesus. And then I think someone told me, because he used to drink at this bar all the time, then he would get in a car and drive home. So nobody would ever fuck with him. Of course.

And if they did, hey, we'll take him. But I do think he got busted. I can't remember if he wrecked that car. Guy like that gets busted for like kiddie porn. You know? No. I think he got busted drinking and driving. Were you guys loving it? Oh, hell yeah.

Because none of us ever did, you know? You're like, fuck you. Fuck that guy. And I bet you know his name, too. I do. No, you're not going to say it, but I'm saying, like, a guy like that, you don't forget. Nope. You don't forget a runner with a douche like that.

And I'm sure he has relatives who became cops, are cops. So I'll end on this one. i have a trifecta of stories with me with uh balls going wrong okay not testicles but do you want me to tell three or want me to tell just the main one so i'll tell i'll start off the first one is so uh i forget how i was i want to say middle school age again i had a buddy uh i was friends with this guy lived like right down the street from me and he had a younger sister who's in the grade below us um i ended up staying back i held myself back in eighth grade because i just like i was always young i was young for my grade like by like a year year and a half i moved from another town and then my town had a thing called

readiness in first grade where they would hold kids back who weren't ready. So everyone was way old. I just felt, I just didn't feel ready. So I was like, I'm going to stay back. I'm going to do eighth grade. It was great because it was all the same work. I had like a year off in eighth grade. Yeah. So I went from the brother's grade to the sister's grade.

I was friends with both of them. And so when I was friends with the brother, they had a big field behind their house, but it was just shared backyards. You don't see that in LA at all, but a lot of land. We would hit golf ball. You could drive a golf ball. His sister was down, I don't know,

25, 30 yards with a friend, and we just had a bocce ball set out, and we weren't playing it, just fucking around with it. And I had the, I don't even know what the ball is called. A little yellow ball, the one,

the one you throw in, you have to try to get close, get close to it. She ball. And in my mind, like the cake at you, Maryland, I was like, I'm just going to throw this close to her.

It's scare. So I throw it and I, it right out of my hand. I'm like, that's too pure, pure, too pure. Dude,

I got it too good it hits her square in the head oh fuck heart drops her like a sniper oh my god she goes down she's screaming hysterically his mom rushes out of the house it's it's like a cartoon instantly like a huge egg on her head she i swear to you she's yelling i have a tumor it's like a tumor she's like i have a tumor you put a tumor in her head in my mind i'm like well it's not right but i also heard it i can't correct the mom berates us and so that was i was like shit so fast forward years down the road she's getting married she invites me you know i repaid her for that So I'm like what should I get her

And I'm like I gotta get her a bocce ball kit So I go I forget where I got it But I got like an Eddie Bauer Sells bocce ball sets apparently So I buy it I also got her a check I'll get her something good.

So I get into the bocce ball set. I have my mom rap and I can't rap for shit. And, uh, I'm bringing this thing in and it's in like, it's the type of thing where you're like, this sounded good. I'm putting it like it's heavy as shit.

I have to hold it through the whole ceremony. Like my bicep started me and I'm like, I don't even know if she's going to remember this. Like, this is stupid. I put it, I finally get to the reception. I put it on the'm like, I don't even know if she's going to remember this. Like, this is stupid. I put it. I finally get to the reception. I put it on the gift table.

I don't really think about it anymore. As I'm leaving that night, I'm walking out. And I see her uncle putting gifts in a bag or, like, a box to collect for her. And I see him reach for mine, the bocce ball. And he thinks it's just, like, all that shit's light. And he picks it and like you see it take him down to like the floor like he pulled him like it looked like real bad like the way it happened like a cinder box. Yeah, you took them down. Like, look around.

Bocce balls, that's not fucking your thing, right? Hurt two in the family with them. So then... And that kind of made it worth it, to be honest. See that? Yeah, you're right. It almost went through the floor. It took them down. Like, it didn't take them to a knee. Who got me to Anvil? It almost went through the floor. It took him down.

It didn't take him to a knee. Who got me to Anvil? It didn't take him to a knee, but he was close. So story two. Story two, I'm in high school English class with my friend who I went to rounds with, the golfer. You had the superlatives in the yearbook, right? Like best this, best that. Yes, we did. Back when I went, it was like un-PCA, like best looking, which I'm sure they do not right now.

I wonder. That's a good point, yeah. My friend won best laugh. This dude who's a pro golfer. Like you, he had a very memorable laugh. I didn't win that. You didn't? I don't even know if we had that.

Who beat you out? I got to go look at my book. Who would beat you out? I got to go look at my book. You were out. So we were in class. I forget if we had a sub or we were just watching a video. I remember video days and you were like, love it.

Oh, this is great. Like, here we go. And the teacher's like, who wants to bring this back to the AV room? Me and my buddy. Oh, yeah. If you get to go out, you can kind of mess with your buddies. You see them through the window, other classes, whatever. And so we're bringing it.

Why do you need two people to push a TV, by the way? So she sends us both, and we bring it back. Nothing happens. We're walking back, and for whatever reason, I had a Super Bowl in my pocket, like one of the ones you put. Yeah, the bouncy. Yeah, bouncy ball. Like a small one or a bigger one?

Small one. Small one. So just a little tiny thing, not much bigger than like a big marble probably. The bouncy one. Bouncy ball. Like a small one or a bigger one? Small one. Small one. So I'm talking like just a little tiny thing. Not much bigger than like, you know, like a big marble probably. So I'm like halfway down like a long straight hallway. So I take it out and I whip it off one bounce at the wall and I want it to come back all crazy. You was about, you know, that's what you do with a bouncy ball. So I whip it.

It's out of my hand. I see, uh, there was like some turnover, but there was an acting vice principal. This woman, she rounds the corner. I see the ball in it.

It's coming right. And I, I'm like, here we go. This is too pure. It's coming right down the middle. Goes in her eye socket. Come dude one hop in one hop in the socket and the bouncy ball is like a perfect size to go right in that socket yeah right into the eyeball she's carrying a coffee like to the to the rim she does like a kramer entrance apartment that's like a coffee to the rim. She does like a Kramer entering an apartment.

The coffee goes everywhere. She's in pain. Of course she is. That thing's the size of an eyeball. She may have burnt herself with the coffee. I don't know. So she's in double pain. My buddy.

I'm just imagining myself turning a corner and just a ball just right in the eyes i'm like and i whipped it i don't care how big you are you're so vulnerable if something takes your eye out and i'm she i'm like oh my god i'm sure this lady's the vice principal yeah my buddy cackles and just literally cackles and like runs like off out of the scene what and so she knows it was me you know like obviously if you did it you probably wouldn't run so i'm like just standing there and i'm like uh i'm so sorry are you okay and she's like why what she said i don't know she said fuck she said why do you have a bouncy why do you have this ball in school? And I know, I don't really know. It's out of my pocket.

And she says, if I ever see you with a ball in school again, you're going to take a vacation, and it won't be very much a vacation. It told me to get out of my way. She let you off easy. Yeah, she could have gone. It may not have. out of my way. She let you off easy. Yeah, she could have gone. It may not have. I don't know. Maybe she had a fake eye or something.

God damn. It hit her right in the eye. And the last one is. I love that there's a novel. The trifecta. The hat trick. I had to go for the hat trick. This is the best one of all.

So I'm like 16 years old. And set up the story, my dad was like, he's an old school kind of 80s father. Was always at work. And when he wasn't at work, you left him alone. Like, if he interacted with you,

you interact. But if he wants to be left alone, you leave him alone. That works long hours. He's working hard. He's like, you know, he's providing, he's doing everything. He's like on weekends weekends he's in the tighty-whities like he mows the lawn but

he's my dad he's sleeping he's watching sports he's watching old school movies some karate movies of whatever you leave him a lot you know like it's his time don't be too loud you know like my mom the kids don't be too loud you wake you, like my mom would be like, kids, don't be too loud. You wake him up. You don't want to, whatever. So my room was right next to my parents. And I look in. I see my dad watching TV in his room on his bed. He's wearing his tighties.

And I'm like, so whatever reason, light bulb goes off. I'm like, I got the perfect idea. I grab, for whatever reason, I liked having a racquetball. I was like a I got the perfect idea. I grab for whatever reason, I liked having a racquetball. I was like a young Rocky Balboa. So I grab the racquetball. I go in my dad's room. I stand on the side of the TV.

Does he see you? He sees me, but he's just watching TV. He thinks I'm doing something else in there. I loft it up, just like a nice, soft touch pass yeah just a lob for that alley just a lot just lobbing it up to deandre jordan and my my plan was i'm gonna lob it at his balls and just near him enough to scare him no i wanted to hit it oh you did not pure it though right like it So it hits him square in the sand.

Did you know when you let it go it was too good? No, it was just a lot. It was like a feather leaving my, it felt just nice. It felt good. Like, this is going to be great. I think, I guess, in my head, I thought he would think it was funny. I don't know why anyone would like that. And so it hits him square.

You know one of those nut shots that you get hit by, like, anything? A piece of sand, and it could drop you. That's it. I mean, if you know it's coming, you can fucking deal with it. If you don't know that shit's coming, a whisper will fucking put you on your knees. So this was like a Bob Ross whisper. Oh, man. Nails him.

He spanked me a little bit, but never really put hands on me. He goes like he's going to hit me. He got up right away. He went up on his side, and he went to swing at me. And I put my hands up. Whoa. But before he could punch me in the face, the pain turned him over on his stomach. And he's just laying on his stomach down for the count.

Poor son of a bitch. And in my mind, I'm like, do I, do i what do i you know what do i do do i leave do it he's obviously just trying to just try to punch me in the face i'm like i'm like don't get too close yeah so my mind like don't get close don't touch him this is an injured cobra could be fake could be faking it could too. He could be luring me in, playing possum. So I'm like, don't put a hand on. So I'm like, I'm still like five feet away. I'm like, are you okay?

And he's not talking. And I'd say like three to five minutes pass of just silence of me. And you're still standing there. Standing there. Saying nothing. You don't know what. You're like, sorry, Dad. Yeah, sorry. But no one's saying anything.

You're like, finally, like, comes to, still in pain, like still can barely get it together. And he's just like, why would you do that? Everybody wants to know why. And I think, like, looking back, I think your thinking is like, if I find out that at least I'm targeted, it's like terrorism. If I find out I'm the target, I can deal with that.

I can be prepared. But a random attack is scarier. Hell yeah. Because it could come at any point. Any point. And I gave the answer that every parent hates. I don't know. And he's like, what do you mean you don't know?

And I was like, I honestly don't know. I just thought I saw you there. I thought it'd be funny. I thought I just hit you in the ball back. And he gives me like a five-minute speech about how a man's testicles and penis, it's not something to mess with. He's like, you'll see in college. You could sterilize a person.

He's telling me you could sterilize a man. Sterilize. college you could sterilize a person you could sterilize a man with a good shot to the ball back and so i just basically had to sit there and that's become like family lore in my family and it's it basically been like when you have kids like your daughter i got a racquetball in my living room and it's got my ball's name on it dad if you're listening which i hope you're not i'm sorry i hope your ball bag's still working i think it is but uh i apologize i learned from that and i don't take a man's balls for granted from here on out. Dude. God. My face fucking hurts. Oh, man.

So, yeah, I avoid balls. I'm like Gaylord Focker, the guy who spikes it in his face and meet the parents. Oh, my God. Yeah, bad luck with balls in the state of Maryland. Yeah. Kofi, if you're listening, fuck you. Fuck you, Kof kofi you reach out on twitter i'll tell you to go fuck yourself i'd love to see that guy reach us somebody's gonna find him for you i bet they're like call kofi with the ewings i went to school with him in baltimore well thank you so much for coming thanks for having me man this was fun this

was fun um seriously you're great i love it it. Thank you, dude. Will you please promote social media, your podcast, whatever you want? Social media, at Danish and O'Neal. That's the two of us and for our show, Danish and O'Neal on iTunes and SoundCloud. If you want me personally, at the Jeff Danis. I don't use it that often, but if you want to say anything to me personally, you found Roderick or you found Kofi. You hate University of Maryland. Whatever you want to talk about.

Yeah, go Terps. Fuck Duke. And yeah, check us out. Beach Cops on Patreon. And that's about it. Come to the Comedy Store. I perform there about once a week. Yeah, go to the Comedy Store.

Go see Jeff. Listen to Danish and O'Neal. Again, thank you very much. Thank you, dude. It's been fun. It was great, man. I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next Wednesday.