The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jeff Dye

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Jeff Dye! Jeff didn't learn to read until he was in his 20's! He shares stories about the anxiety, frustration and embarrassment that he dealt with while hiding his secret. He also talks about the guilt he felt from church and how that affected him with girls and dating in high school. Jeff also tells a story about his sister who was killed in a texting and driving accident. Subscribe, download and review! Sponsor: Try Hims today by starting out with a FREE online visit at http://forhims.com/honeydew

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by HIMS. More on that later. Let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, ryansickler on all social media. Head over to my website.

Make sure you sign up for the email list. Check out my in-town dates. I just want to say thank you to everybody. And Tom Segura, of course, out on the Take It Down Tour. We were in Des Moines. And then, what, Lincoln, Nebraska, where I, at the time of my life, made two field goals on your stadium, Huskers. I'm still ready.

This right leg stays ready. Got, what, Minneapolis, Sioux City, and Fargo. So thank you all. And I know, like, you guys listened to Two Bears, and they were talking about me posting the private jet pictures on Instagram. Yeah, anytime I'm on a private jet, it's going on Instagram, okay? And you guys should be worried about Tom Segura. His spending habits right now are out of control. He didn't want me to say anything.

That's every time I go with him. He is on a private jet. The tour bus, it's fantastic. But the truth is, Tom just gets on it to shit. He doesn't even ride. He gets an SUV that follows the tour bus it's fantastic but the truth is tom just gets on it to shit he doesn't even ride he gets an suv that follows the tour bus it's just money pissed away and it's actually two suvs because he doesn't want you to know which one he's in like he's fucking some kind of diplomat so hit him up on social media let him know you're seriously concerned about his spending habit this is what happened to mc hammer this is how people go broke, guys. Glad to be a part of it.

Glad to see you all out there. Go to RyanSickler.com. The HoneydewPodcast.com is the website for here. You get your merch there, social media links, all that stuff. If you're new to the show, I say every week we highlight the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. Our guest today is none other it's first time here on the honeydew i'm very excited jeff die everybody jeff's having me we'll put an applause

right yeah a bunch of it a bunch of it i want him to really think it was like a stadium welcome to the honeydew my friend having me my man uh before we get into and we've got some pretty interesting stuff to talk about before we get into it and we've got some pretty interesting stuff to talk about. Before we get into it, please plug, promote, everything. Social media, dates, whatever you want. Yeah, I have a podcast called Jeff Dye's Friendship Podcast. It's on all things comedy. It's wherever you get your podcasts. iTunes, go to that.

Also, jeffdye.com. All my social media is just my name. J-E-F-F-D-Y-E. I'm touring every weekend for the last 14 years. You really are. I'm the road dog, man. You are every weekend. I'm like Club Comic. It's unbelievable.

It's a lot. You did that. Not nothing like that. Now you guys are doing theaters and buses and private play. Only because I'm with Tom and his unhealthy spending habits. That's great, though. I'm jealous. That's the way to live it.

I mean, it's something else. I thought, I mean, like, I remember eight years ago being like, I'm getting a little burnt out. I wish my manager had been like, don't worry, it's going to be 12 more years of this, I think. You know, don't get burnt out yet. You should pace yourself. But you are.

You're out there. Every weekend, yeah. Is your NBC show still on? We're in hiatus right now. You are? I'm working on a few little other things, trying to get that some stuff cooking. Tell them about that NBC show. It's so strangely fascinating to me that anyone even created this, and it's doing well.

It's really doing well. It's really doing well. It's weird, yeah. We had record-breaking ratings for the first and second season, but it's me, right? Young comparatively. Terry Bradshaw. Yeah. William Shatner, 88 years old.

Henry Winkler and George Foreman, and we travel the world. It's just insane to me. It's the weirdest combo. You guys travel the world and just have a show about the weirdest combo you guys travel the world and just have a show about it you know how humiliating it is like literally every day goes people like strangers go hey that guy from that show i'm like yeah that's me and they're like how'd you get on it it's like like it's like it's nothing more like right i think that like i get everybody else it's you it's got me puzzled funny because like you like getting recognized there's no better feeling there's no better feeling someone going i know you and you're

like yeah that's me and then they just hit you with like we get those guys but you you're young and not famous or rich we'd never heard of you you piece of crap i don't know great so you're on high there may be another season you don't know we don't know what's going on everything in tv takes forever yeah it's the worst you'll just not hear anything for like six months. And they're like, all right, you're going to Japan tomorrow. You're like, what? I'm back. I'm relevant again.

It's tricky. So I reached out to you about some stories. We took a little walk and talked. And you really dropped some stuff on me that I'm blown away. I had no idea. So why don't we start simply with where you're from. Yep. And then I want to talk about, you know what I want to talk about.

Well, when I was, I grew up in just south of Seattle, Washington. Very liberal place. Very pro arts. Is that where you started comedy too, in Seattle? Yeah. Which was a hard place to start comedy. Yeah. It's a great scene up there.

It's competitive. There's a lot of talent up there, I think. It's tricky. It's like, it's a very clicky. Yeah. yeah you know so if you're not the type of comic at least it was then i shouldn't say that like it is now because i can't speak for what it is now i haven't been there for 11 years but at the time when i started comedy there if you didn't have like an old hat from the vintage store and you weren't like trashing george w bush you might as well have been like the biggest hack on the planet to them so i'm going up there talking about like kids and dogs because that's all i know and everyone's like what is this cookie cutter bullshit like when's he gonna go hard on the

politics i was like i don't know nothing about politics right i'm not i don't know that stuff so uh that was hard but growing up in seattle like i said it's very liberal area very pro arts very fun place to grow up um yeah i had a kind of a late style. I was a little bit of a late bloomer for sure. Yeah, and what happened? And what do you mean, please clarify by late bloomer? Yeah, what happened? I told them that I didn't learn to read until I was about 20 years old.

I've never met anyone that didn't learn to read until in their 20s. Well, what happened was... I've known you for a while. Yeah. I mean, did you say this on The Crab Feast? I can't remember. No, I used to keep this a secret. Okay. didn't learn to read until in their 20s well what happened i've known you for a while yeah i mean did you say this on the craft beast i can't remember no i used to keep this a secret okay i should not tell people because um one it's embarrassing and then two it's like i think that's why i'm able to come up with like um good jokes or i'm able to like come up with uh ideas and things and like

maybe maybe even when i'm not trying to be funny people think i'm being funny but that's just where my brain works like sometimes people look at me me like, what are you, eight? I'm like, that's kind of like the education level. I wasn't even reading yet. I wasn't even reading yet. But I'm saying, what I mean, what happened is what... How? How were you prevented from learning to read until you were in your 20s?

I think it's a perfect marriage of being, one, lazy, two, indifferent to trying to learn. And then I did later find out that I have dyslexia and I have a mental flaw when it comes to concentration and things like that. I don't want to say OCD because I feel like everyone has OCD. Or is that what? No, ADD. ADD. That's what I was going to say, not OCD. Different letters. And so what happened was all the kids, I was really good at making friends. I was really good at being silly and making everyone laugh. So what happened was, kids would just

help me with my, they would just do my homework. But weren't your parents pushing you? My parents were never around. They didn't care. They didn't know, like you're driving by down the street, kids start reading signs and shit. You weren't doing that? They weren't, this motherfucker, this motherfucker. And actually, if you drive around with me now, it's very funny. My friends, sometimes my friends, it's happened. It doesn friends it's happened it doesn't happen what's that say no no but like

you'll see me like if we're being quiet in the car i'll be like stop stop merge and they're like you're reading out loud again i was like oh yeah i forgot like i'm still new i'm still like practicing small words it's so embarrassing um but yeah so what happened was once you got to a certain point of people just helping me do my homework and people helping me cheat and me masking it. I actually talk about it in my act a little bit now where like everyone just thought I was a legend. Like nobody cared to look into it. Like maybe this guy's misbehaving. That's what I'm saying.

No one. Nobody. No teachers. No counselors. Nobody stepped in there. Well, I was turning in homework. Because kids were doing it for you. Exactly.

I had really good friends who would kind of shelter me from the embarrassment of not. I mean, Jeff, in your 20s, did you get through college without knowing how to really read? No, dude. I didn't go to college. I didn't even. What college is letting me in? You couldn't even read the goddamn exam to get in. And they'd be like hey man

did you graduate high school i was like i don't think so i just stopped going when the rest of them went at your name you put your name there it says first last right here all right i i actually knew how to write read write my name and i could write my phone number so that's what i was gonna ask i just memorized read but you could write yeah or you couldn't write no but there were certain things you need to know i had a little thing in my wallet that had my address on it and uh and my name but it'd be like it'd be like if you drew a monkey like 40 times in a row and then someone's like hey what's your monkey and then you just memorized how to draw that monkey that's what i was doing with the symbols in my address my phone number and my name the symbol i just like memorized like that's the j1

i think and then that's my name. Really? Yeah. And luckily, I have a seven-letter name, so that was kind of easy. So what happened was, after a while, it kind of didn't become a problem. I never graduated high school. You didn't? Never got my diploma, never anything. GED, nothing?

Nothing. How? What did you do? Just quit? I just stopped going when they stopped going. Who's they? Everybody else was still going. No, my classmates. When they graduated, I just stopped going.

Because I was like, I'm not going to hang out with these young kids. Oh, you mean you were younger than them and they were a year older and when they graduated, you just said, fuck it? Yeah. Is that what you mean? Yeah. No, like when the people that I was, so I kept going with the same grades as everyone else. Right.

But I didn't have enough credits to graduate. So the people that, when my classmates stopped going, because they go on to college or they go into the workforce. I was like, I guess I'm not going anymore. I'm not gonna hang out with these young bucks. How many credits shy are you of a high school to come? Could be 100, could be 10. Like a gym class.

What if it's a gym class? Would you go back and do it? No way, dude. Come on, I'll go do it with you. If it was just a gym class, that'd be easy. But I'm gonna guess it's a lot of math, a lot of history. What's your high school? A lot of science. And you won't want to be in that guess it's a lot of math, a lot of history. What's your high school?

A lot of science. And if you want to be in that class with me, I'll be like, Ryan, here. What's your high school? I'll be passing it to somebody else, too. What's your high school? Kentwood High School. Kentwood High School. If anyone from Kentwood High School will allow Jeff Dye to get his high school diploma by passing one gym class or just like a test, I'm in it with you.

You're inviting a nightmare, though. I'm in it with you. I don't want to do this. I'm getting the sweats just thinking about it. It's like the presidential physical presidential physical fitness test we got to do some push-ups and pull-ups climb a rope got to run a mile in a certain amount of time probably climb a road yeah that's the hard one i feel like we could still do that i could still do that but i'm saying like they're gonna give they're gonna would they're gonna get this paper hey do you know your multiplication and i'll go god it's not necessary i hope not you're successful without all that that's proof but you know you could use a little bit we all could some physical activity

wait so your daughter though like she what's her learning right now like is she she's reading jeff i know she's already ahead of me she's already ahead of me she's reading humiliated but what about like uh math and stuff yeah we were just i was pumping? Yeah, we were just... I was pumping gas last night. We were just doing math. We're on everything 10 and under. So 1 and 1, 5 and 5, 4 and 3. I got those.

7 and 2s. Yeah, we're on that right now. She's about to lap me, though. But she's been reading for a few months now these little starter books. I can give them to you. They're called Bob. Check out these Bob books.

I don't want them. That's why I just said, like, at a certain point in my life, I realized this is problematic, especially if I want to be. What point? That's what I want to say. It's about 20. But, I mean, what moment? Because you're telling me that principals, teacher after teacher,

I mean, how this gets through is a blown. This is like these athletes in college that pay people to take their exams and shit for them so they can play football or basketball or baseball i was like that except nobody was pushing me through anything they were just kind of ignoring me it's not like i got a diploma and it's not like you were a troublemaker so they were like just get them the fuck out of here or anything like that you just coasted through no i got suspended a lot i was a pretty problematic child you were like the teacher like jeff come read in front of the class and i'd be like no and then the whole class would laugh like jeff's so funny but the reason i was saying no is because

i couldn't read and the teacher was like i wasn't asking you i was telling you come read in front of the class and then i'd like panic and i'd be like reading is gay and then i flipped my back yeah and then all the kids would like put me on their shoulders like he's a legend we'll carry it to the principal's office he's our leader now so there was a lot of that like that was kind of what it was like it's like i was rewarded for being this like silly playful over-the-top clown and in this 20 years yeah that is that's a great example i was gonna it never snagged you anywhere along the line. Do you think that teacher knew?

I think teachers that knew didn't care, and I think teachers that most of them just didn't know. And my parents aren't bad people. They're just never around. They were just working, and they just didn't care. I don't think they wanted kids. I don't know. And my oldest sister, she knew about it. I would tell her all the time.

And she'd try to help me, but then she would get frustrated because she's not a teacher or a mom, so she would just be like, I don't know and so and my oldest sister she knew about it i would tell her all the time and she would she'd she'd try to help me but then she would get frustrated she's not a teacher or mom so she would just be like i don't know even my tutor named rachel uh when i was 20 years old she was hot too um she was 20 years old i was a virgin at the time so that was like kind of like we're gonna get it we're gonna get into that and so but when rachel would teach me how to uh read and write i kind of talked about this on kelsey's risk of fury but she would be like all right a is ah i was like all right but i'm just like looking at her boobs you know yeah what's b boobs yeah but then she would get to like c she's like c is a cuss sound i was like okay so i'm trying to learn and then we get to k she's like k is a cuss sound and they're like nah c's already doing that job and then i remember her getting

actually like you're not gonna argue your way out of this like i was like i wasn't even trying to learn i was just trying to like be silly and like and she's like no no you can you just try and learn it was like very difficult and even now like i read horribly but it's at least i'm working on it yeah all right so you you escape all these opportunities of reading i mean we used to have to read out loud in class all the time even though you know you knew how to like i would sit there and compare myself to how other people read i'm like i can read better than this guy and a girl would read up like i cannot read better than her she is a good fucking reader yeah we all did that i was just panicking and sweating blood going it's coming to me soon oh it's coming to me and every time you figured a way to deflect

and move on one time i would just like i actually recall this time you figured a way to deflect and move on. One time I would just, like, I actually recall this time really well. One time I punched a kid in his face. Boom. Do I get to go to the office? I'm not reading shit, guys. Fuck Rager Rick. I'm going home. I dodged that bullet.

And I get a week off of school. I mean, man. Double prizes. That blows me away that it got by for so long. One time I just ranted about, like, I don't remember. It was about the Seattle Mariners or something, pretending I was reading and just ranting about the Mariners, like being like, Rich Amaral came up in the third inning,

and of course he struck out. And then the next batter and the teacher's like, Jeff, read the actual book. And then all the classmates are laughing, and then she would just kick me out because they all just thought I wasn't taking it serious. Right. They didn't know there was an actual problem.

I deflected it all, which makes for a great comedian. It does, but for 18 years, it makes for shitty teachers in that goddamn school system for not one of them to figure it out, or if they did, to actually care. I mean, if I was a teacher and I even didn't like you, I'd be like, look, put him in fucking reading. Just put him in remedial reading and make him

do it. One, you're a good guy. You are. It's genuinely a good guy. And I also put, I say this about a lot of artists and entertainers, we get accused of being selfish, which we are, or like narcissistic, which we are. But we've chosen a profession that we love. And that's because we can link

our heart with something that we want to do we think everyone is like that you wonder like a starbucks employee doesn't give a shit and we're like why don't they care about their job you know like why doesn't the teachers care right a lot of people doing the jobs that they don't you're right about that at least as selfish as we are we love what we do and we take it very serious and so like they just don't care especially in public school like they were just like i don't know let that kid be a jackass watch he'll be in jail or he'll get right you know he'll get a crappy factory job he's a honeydew you're a honeydew all right so you're 20 years old and what happens where you finally go fuck it i need to start learning i

wanted to be a comedian and the for and i uh i wanted to be a comedian and the and they were like oh comedians are writers and i'm i didn't know what a stand-up comedian really was. I thought that you'd have to be on Saturday Night Live because I liked Chris Farley and all those guys, and I thought, oh, I want to do that. And they're like, well, they write sketches, and they're in a writer's room. And just every time they would say write, writers, writing,

I would just get this thing like, oh, God, but I don't know how to do that. And so I vulnerably just went down to the University of Washington. I was, like, living on campus. Obviously, I didn't go there. But there was, like, these, like, tutor things. And I think that they were tutoring college classes. Wait, you live on campus?

Even if you're not a student, you can live on campus? Well, it's not technically on campus. It's, like, in the U District. Oh, gotcha. So, like, the, I mean, it was, like, on the Greek Row or whatever. I don't know if that's considered a campus. That shows how little I know about college. I was like, I think it was on campus. It's off campus I don't know if that's considered a campus. That shows how little I know about college. I was like, I think I was on campus.

It's off campus. Don't worry. It's off campus. If you're not on the campus, you're off the campus. It's called the University Starbucks. I think I was on campus. It says university. You're campus adjacent is what it sounds like to me.

By the freeway? Yeah. By the university? The university freeway. On ramp? So I went to the thing, and i ripped this little piece of paper off of a thing that said um that they would tutor and i was like this is great and there was tons of people trying to make quick not quick cash but like you know under the table cash for like tutoring

and when i met with her she thought i went to the university of washington and i was living with like 12 other guys at the time in this giant house we each had like our own bedrooms in this big house but we're all friends and And they were my Young Life leaders, actually. Two or three of them. That's how I learned about the house. But then when she came over, she goes, what do you need help on? I was like, hey, I don't know how to read. And she's like, what?

She thought I'd bust out university books and be like, oh, here's trigonometry or whatever. And then she's like, are you serious? And I was like, yeah. And I want to learn this book. And it was Judy Carter's stand-up comedy Bible. They then she was like, are you serious? And I was like, yeah. And I want to learn this book. And it was Judy Carter's stand-up comedy Bible. And that's good. They just hand to everyone,

which to you or maybe some other big comedians, it would be kind of trivial crap. But to me, it was like this secret cup of formulas. Like, oh, if I learn this, not only did I read my first book, but I can learn how to put jokes into formulas. I started reading that book and i if i'm correct the first page i think says um were you the class clown or did you always secretly

know you were funnier than the class clown i was like yeah yeah yes well and there's there's something in there i don't remember it well because it was like you know like i said 14 15 years ago but the um the thing was like saying like i can't teach you how to be funny, but I can teach you like how to make your thoughts and ideas in the formula. Yeah, structured. I remember thinking like, that's great. I know how to be funny. I just need to learn these structures. But for me, I had to like learn how to read.

So the first book you learned how to read was a book about stand-up comedy? No, there was like two or three little books that she made me read like what do you remember oh yeah the vampire stayed for christmas and the reason i picked that book the vampire stayed for christmas he was there for halloween but then he stayed you know what i like i like turkey so i'm gonna be here but thanks you cover that. If you can Google that book. That vampire's a sweetheart. The vampire stayed for Christmas. You got to Google that book, man.

There it is. What reading level is that? Does it say? No, that's not the cover. I mean, it is, obviously. That's the vampire who came for Christmas. Part two sounds like he stayed. They made him look like a creepy teenager.

He's an old vampire. The way Bram Stoker's Dracula. Maybe it's Dracula's. Keep going. I'll recognize it the second I see it. That might be out of print. I'm telling you. We're going deep in here.

That thing is out of print. It was a stulastic book. You might have got the last one. Guess why I picked this book. Guess why I picked this book. It looked like that one, though. On the dinosaur Dracula, whatever that one is. Oh, yeah.

The reason I... Hilarious. The reason I picked this book is because it was a book that I was able to fake in fourth or fifth grade as a um as a book report i had made it all up just by looking at the pictures i looked at the cover and then my sister was like yeah you should read this i was like yeah like i was just trying to like act like you know my middle sister not my oldest sister and i was like what is it she's

like the vampires of christmas so then i just made up all this stuff and the teacher was on to me teachers like that's not what this book could be about. I was too creative. I was more creative than whatever this crappy book was about. And so the teacher was kind of on to me. And then I threw this big stink and I cried. And I was like, I read it. I read it.

When I was in fourth grade. So when I actually learned to read, I was like, all right, we're reading the Vampire State of Christmas. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it was kind of like a full circle thing. Kind of like getting your fucking high school diploma by doing a gym test. At wrong with that i'm 46 i'm gonna do that same goddamn test we're doing it together um yeah so what else did you read um i'm trying to there was like this like little kind of like workshop books that you would probably do with like your daughter or something like it was just like you have to fill in the sentences but those were books i count those

if i'm like trying to catch up to people it to people all that reading and writing is all part of that what was the first judy carter okay yeah what was the first challenging book you read like you know in high school they that's what i'm saying how the vampire who stayed for good did you not hear what i was just ranting it wasn't so much the words i had to read it was the concept that really got to me i'm a grown man going but wait why doesn't the vampire just get rid of all that crap on his face get regular clothes he could stay the whole goddamn year i think valentine's day is just around the corner what's going on and then she's like let's just read the book man just read the book now i forgot what i was gonna ask you i had a real question to ask the most difficult difficult book? Yeah, I want to know the most difficult book you read.

Since then? No, the first one that you read where it was... Oh, this is what I was going to ask you, and this is why. We had to read Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer. How did you get around all that shit? And then do reports about it. Yeah, just cheat. Handwritten reports.

People would just do my shit for me. It was great. They just wrote the whole report and everything? Yeah. And I had kind of a good social theory about it as a kid. I was like, I'll just be friends with everyone. The popular kids are pretty exclusive, right? But that's a small group. I'll just be friends with everyone else.

And so one of the... And I'm like that... We used to have to read Shakespeare out loud in class one by one. Where'd you go to school? Just in Maryland. Shakespeare? Yeah, we had a Shakespeare class. I don't know. Not my school. That's part of English. My school would be like a teacher would just be like, I'm not feeling so good today.

Let's watch a movie. All right. This class is good. I'm starting to see why you didn't learn how to read through your 20s. Yeah, it was a crappy school. We're going to put Goonies on, guys. That's what it was. Sometimes the movie would say bitch or something.

We'd all giggle. That was the highlight of the day is that the teacher didn't notice i don't know all right so most challenging first challenging book you read was it something like that did she make you in this class did you have to like harry potter or some shit anything no i didn't read none of that crap i well later on in life i uh i don't read that stuff i don't need it i always think to myself the twilight series maybe it's because i got a late start i won't read any fiction because i'm like i'm wasting my time i gotta learn stuff i gotta catch up and learn stuff and if i just like listen to some like fantasy book like we didn't learn anything that's just like a great story so like i was big into like biographies like i read like hank aaron's biography

or like which is actually, in hindsight, pretty dense because it's just a timeline of things that happened. You also said you're a big documentary guy, too. That's how I do all my learning. So if you ever talk to me and I start sounding like I'm real smart, it's just because I watched a few documentaries about that subject. So whenever Netflix first started streaming, which must have been... I can't like what year that must have been but i was living in la already

but i would do a i would watch one documentary a day that was like my rule okay and it wouldn't always land on that day but like if it came to sunday and i had only watched four then i need to watch set three more i need to watch three on Sunday or I didn't make my personal goal. And so by doing that, I was very unbiased about what I'd watch too. I'd watch a political documentary. I'd watch how our school systems are in shambles.

It's one called Waiting for Superman. Or there's one about pulling John. It's just an arm wrestling documentary. And it's phenomenal. And now I know about all these arm wrestling guys and stuff I would have never learned about and they probably wouldn't have taught me in school so you're kind of like you can kind of like teach yourself nowadays i feel like and then ryan stout has turned me on to um you had him on no good yeah i love ryan yeah he uh he turned me on to

like on itunes they'll straight up just have lectures from professors for free on itunes university oh i didn't know that. It's insane. So I've been listening to a ton of that stuff. Like their version of a TED Talk, but just from university. Yeah, and it's all on there. And it's all free. But you're not going to get credit.

You're not going to get a degree, but you're going to be able to learn. That's pretty cool. The problem is the thing I'm learning is that the more you learn, the more angry you get about the world. That's why I'm so happy. Every time I learn something,

I go, ah, shit, I wish I would have learned that. you were a lot happier when you didn't know how to read even now like i like people go he's always so happy it's like i think it's because i'm dumb like because like i'm just going around going isn't everyone great there aren't all these people great and people are like i'm kind of a shithead like not to me cool shirt so have you have you ever confessed this to your parents did you ever finally come clean about it's so funny a lot of people come out of the closet a lot of people have a shit they have to confess their parents you had to tell your family that you didn't know how to read me my parents don't talk much and uh just do you read together no we don't do nothing together but here's the thing my

parents you don't read together you guys my parents parents have heard me talk about it in my act recently because they came to a show that I did at Spokane Comedy Club. Because literally you just recently started talking about this. Talking about it, yeah, in the last few years. Okay. Because before then, actually, you could probably find me on podcasts being like, you know, I'm pretty standard. Just went to school, grew up, started comedy.

But the truth is that it was shitty. It was weird, and it was kind of a weird ride. But I've seen my mom and dad in the audience when I'm talking about it, and I think that they just think I must be making up a bad story. Well, also, they don't listen. He always loved fiction. That's how my parents... Do your parents come to your shows?

Well, my dad died when i was 16 and my mom just started coming yeah so my mom and dad watch my mom loves tom sagordo she goes to his shows now that you're opening for us she goes to your shows no we're here for you honey what time how much time are you doing i'll be getting getting a drink. What time's Tom on? I'm going to take a shit, and then I'll come see the rest of the show. So the, no, but what I was going to say is. Did they ever ask you? Did they ever question you? No.

Hey, hey. My parents watch my stand-up comedy like this. Like, my mom is just like doughy-eyed with a smile. Like, that's my son. I don't think she understands any of the jokes. And then my dad just looks at me like that goddamn liar. Because like. Making me look bad.

He knows how to read. No, but like, so for when I first started comedy, did you ever like subscribe to like, if it isn't true in your life, you won't write a bit about it. Um,

no. So for example, if, uh, this is the example I heard on a cassette tape once was that if, if for a joke, you needed to make your dad's right arm longer than his left arm, even though it isn't in real life,

but for the joke that makes sense, would you write that joke? That I wouldn't, no. But I'm saying... You wouldn't change that detail for a joke? If it was necessary for a great joke, yeah, I don't think that's a big deal. Yeah, you wouldn't care.

I think as long as... This is just my opinion and one person's way of doing a thing that thousands of people do i just i love it all rooted in truth right but i'm a big fan of hyperbole and exaggeration and all that shit like i like similes and metaphors and all that stuff i like your comedy because you're you're telling like stories yeah like really but i but if that was the case to make that a better joke within that story, yeah, I would switch the left to the right. So when I first started, this is why I said my dad watches me like that liar,

is because when I first started, like, if I needed to make someone racist in the joke, guess who's racist? That's a little different. Old dad's racist. That's way different than the other arm is shorter. I would be like, my dad's completely bald, but he's got a big bushy beard it's almost like half of his head gave up and the other half is like right so not only is he a racist yeah i made him bald i made like i made him not bald either no none of that's real it's all for the jokes

and so my dad would just be like uh hey uh my friend al went to your show a few nights ago he said you called me all these names and i was like yeah that's true you know like i just completely called i called him dumb a million times uh but yeah he doesn't say please stop doing that give a shit no i never even met my grandpa and i have like a whole bit about how my grandpa's racist i changed it to grandpa is he there who it's grandpa do you have a grandfather no i've never met him he's like dead oh okay and so like but i changed it because i was like i was afraid people at my dad's work Is he there? Who? It's your grandpa. Do you have a grandfather? No, I've never met him. He's like dead. Oh, okay. And so like, but I changed it because I was like, I was afraid people at my dad's work

are going to like be like accusing him of calling him racist and stuff. Today it will help. I'll just change it to my grandpa I've never met. That really would. But nowadays I'm, you know, my jokes are more honest. I'm telling more things about real life. That's probably why I'm more successful now. But like back then I didn't get anything went. i needed a joke where i have 12 sisters i got 12

sisters yeah what do you what now when it comes to reading is there anything that gives you trouble or anxiety or what what do you struggle with when it comes to reading i just see things reversed so that's a problem because you do have dyslexia yeah so because i just recently i'd say within the past year or two i started putting the uh captioning on the tv and reading not on sports but on like anything on netflix because i really feel like today everyone's dramatic acting is straight up just whispering that's all it is yes it's so subtle what the fuck is this asshole saying right now this is crucial here i had to do that on rocket man you know you turn it all the way up and then and then the music's like god damn i'm going back and forth like just put the fucking caption on i agree with that like as

i watched rocket man recently i didn't know what the hell was going on because they're all singing around and dancing and like since it's like lyrics i'm like i don't know he's dressed real cool i guess there's valuable information in that those lyrics that you don't know what the fuck's being said. Yeah, and since they're telling a story, I put the captions on. I was like, oh, this is way better. I actually know what the song is saying. But I should consider doing it for everything.

I was going to say, do you do that now? No, I've never thought about doing that. Just in general, you'll practice reading by default. Oh, sounds exhausting. Plus, you'll hear it, too. It'll just be natural. I watched Pan's Labyrinth. I was like, what the hell's going on in this thing?

I don't know if I watched that one. Little girls with a hand monster. I don't know what the hell that thing is. What is that, Hitler? No, that's not Hitler. Just a different angry Nazi. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our sponsor, HIMSS. Guys, I'm looking directly at you.

With age comes wisdom, but getting older can also be a downer in one area specifically. 40% of men by age 40 struggle from not being able to get and maintain an erection. It happens to the best of people. Look, the guys here at the studio take them. They love them. They're in there right now with boners. A friend of mine heard this podcast, ordered some hymns for himself, called me up, and he's like, Ryan, because there's two kinds.

You can get some that you take for the night or for the weekend. He took the weekend and he's like, it was the equivalent of your bullpen pitcher just being like, as soon as he went, he was sprinting right out to the mound every time. No problems. For hymns.com is a

one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Hymns connects you with real licensed doctors and FDA-approved pharmaceutical products to treat ED. There are well-known generic equivalents to name-brand prescriptions to help you combat ED. Prescription solutions are backed by science and made more affordable. It is so easy.

You answer questions about your medical history. You chat with a doctor for a confidential review. And if you're approved, the products are shipped directly to your door. Being your best means performing your best. It's erectile without the dysfunction. Hard made easy. Say hello to your little friend. Try HIMS today by starting out with a free, that's free, online visit.

Go to forhims.com slash honeydew. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash honeydew. Forhims.com slash honeydew. Prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy. Remember, that's 4hims.com slash honeydew. Now let's get into the show. Okay, so all of this not being able to read, I mean, the insecurities, making the jokes, obviously building the foundation to become a comedian.

Yeah. How was, what was it like dating what was it like trying to go out with girls when like wouldn't you go to dinner you didn't have to read a menu like what what was this all that well you just you go you got burritos sorry this is an italian restaurant exactly like ah fuck it i'll have the california roll like no we don't have that either but again what just happened is something i would really do and then the people go he's hilarious they they would just think i'm being funny and then come over and go and here are the specials and i read it for you i second the way it comes like i just

the check please they're like that's not how this works but the no but for real like i would um i had a lot of troubles with girls growing up, which is crazy because I was a late bloomer. So I was super thin, big old braces. I had floppy hair, and I was the funny kid. So if you'd ask anyone I went to school with, they would have said Jeff was the funniest kid that went to our school. But there was no girls being like,

oh, I would have dated him, or oh, I liked him. That was just not a thing. I've spent my whole life trying to be the guy I am now. And i'm the guy i am now and everyone's like look at this douchebag it's crazy i would have killed to be this guy growing up beautiful 10 year old jeff this the whole role is reversed i knew everything about comic books growing up because there was no i didn't have to look at the words. I could just look at the pictures. So I was obsessed with comics.

And all the girls were like, you like comics? I was like, no, that's stupid shit. But now, I'd have crushed it as Jeff then. It's like the whole thing's been reversed. Everyone's like, what? Sports, what about baseball cards? None of that? Loved all that stuff. Could you read that stuff?

No, I didn't read it. I just looked at the numbers on the back. I of i think that too i think it's maybe like made my other senses a little bit better but i'm really good with faces i once was at a godfather's pizza bobby walcott had only played for the mariners for like two weeks got called up for the um for the 1995 mariners wild card series right and we were covington washington which is like an hour outside of seattle we're at a godfather's pizza and there's this doughy eyed young kid named bobby walcott sitting with some hot chick and i went to my mom and dad and i think that's bobby walcott and they're like sit down shut up there's no mariners at the godfather's pizza so i just got out of the booth i uh i walked

over to his table and i go are you bobby walcott and i think i may i think i probably got him late or something he was like yeah i am bobby walcott you're like he was like so happy it wasn't like get out of my face kid like jay cutler it was like he was like i am but he couldn't believe it he walked over to the lady he got like a sharpie and he signed my mariner's jacket and my parents looked at me like we got a real prodigy here. But it's like, no, you're sitting with the dumbest kid in America who just knows faces really good. But yeah, so baseball cards helped with that and like all that kind of stuff. So girls, we were talking about dating and stuff.

You were a late bloomer. That's the thing. I was a virgin. I've used this line before. I was a virgin until I was 21. And people go, oh, that's weird. Were you religious or something? No, there wasn't a lot of pussy being thrown my way.

It wasn't like people were like, oh, let's have sex with that skinny, weird braces kid who won't shut up and stop making bad jokes. Everybody in the book club was fucking though. If you'd have been in the book club, you'd have got some pussy. Isn't that a thing? Banned kids are hypersexual. Even our special needs kids at the school were banging in the bathroom. That's true.

Bless them. Each other. Yeah, no. Not teachers. That would be a lot. Not younger students. Each other. So you with dating.

Yeah, so I had a lot of trouble. And then when I got to high school, my sisters gave me one of these makeover things. Oh, not to mention we were very broke growing up. So I had really poor clothes. I didn't have good clothes. But you said you weren't religious, but weren't you? A little bit. Because you said earlier you're leadership guides.

Yeah, my young life. Young life. But that was until after high school. I got into young life. But you're still a virgin at that point. Right. I probably could have had sex after high school. I probably could have figured that out, found somebody that would be willing to do that.

But by then, I was so indoctrinated with church and young life, which was post, because it made me feel like I had a purpose with that, that they were just teaching me sex before marriage is bad. So then now, I finally could probably have sex, and now I've got guilt. But because I was such a late bloomer in that, I didn't do nothing. No hand jobs, nothing. Everyone else was at least doing that stuff we just wet dreaming all over yourself like every goddamn night well but that's the thing think about this how many of your friends in high school admitted to masturbating it's funny you ask that so in middle school we you know a lot of us did it never talked talked about it. High school, later

11th, 12th, you'd talk about it. College, people were just bragging about it. He was just walking down the hall with his dick out. In junior high school, they made it sound like you were a freak if you were masturbating. But they were all masturbating. And I wasn't. I was like, yeah man, freaks masturbate.

I gotta jump back and ask a very quick question. Cool guys wet the bed every night. I gotta ask this question. What did your parents do? Because we're talking about you went from high school to young life. Yeah. You never graduate. Your parents didn't feel like, fuck that, you're graduating.

They never forced you to graduate? So this is how hippy-dippy and cool Seattle is. This is one of the positives of being being like a soft like liberal is that they let me walk so they're like we don't want to humiliate him let him walk for real I got to throw my hat up do that with the same kids you were supposed to graduate they didn't want to humiliate me and they're like but you need to come back to summer school and if you can't complete in summer school you're gonna have to come back next year to get the credits to graduate. And so I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so then they let me walk. Kentwood! Yeah. Kentwood. But that's nice, man. That is nice. I didn't feel embarrassed. I'm saying let's wrap that high school diploma.

Yeah, and a lot of people who probably till right now had no idea that I even had this severe of learning disabilities, they saw me graduate. And they went to the graduation. So some of your closest friends didn't know? No friends they did yeah but like I'm talking about like people that classmates and stuff like that um but you know what's funny is that I even got in trouble at graduation so they're it was so good though I was plotting this one so there's the stage and then there's the principal and you walk

this way you shake the hand you get your diploma this person walks that way you shake it and they said everybody they made an announcement to all the senior class like they said listen senior breakfast or whatever they go listen nobody is to pull any shenanigans and they're like pointing me out like jeff we're we're serious like don't nobody can do anything because if you do it'd be really insensitive to someone that is getting their name called all their parents are waiting for their name and if you do something then maybe their parents are going to miss that name of the next person so be respectful all right i literally the second they called my name you're supposed to walk down these big steel stairs that lead down to the middle area so i get my diploma to say my name nobody cheers mom and dad ain't there they're not they don't care

they're working man and so then i get for real yeah they didn't come to your fake graduation no they don't care man that's some bullshit i get to the middle i get to the middle right i've raised my diploma up in the in the air and i just let my body go limp and i fall down every single are you serious you fell all the way down dude and i'm like bleeding i like and it hurt lot. You're only in the Ds. Yeah, it hurt a lot. There's so many more people. Just this whole, like, I fell for like an hour.

I was like Mr. Bean. And then teachers actually came to like my aid. They're like, oh my God, are you okay? Is everything all right? The kid that can't read fell. Yeah, they didn't know that. But it was great. And actually afterwards, the girl that I had a crush on's parents,

the girl I had a crush on thought it was stupid and she thought i was a moron for doing it she hated me for that but her parents were like thank you man we were bored to tears up there that was like the best thing yeah they were like it's just a bunch of kids names it's not hard to graduate high school unless you're me i was gonna say for some yeah but that's how he thought his daughter was super smart and hot. So we talked about dating. You said you had a pretty, well, it might be the most embarrassing moment of your life. It was definitely my most embarrassing moment. I'd say till that.

Yeah, I think it might be still my most embarrassing moment. So I'm really insecure with girls, right? And I asked this girl who's older than me to go to homecoming. And I liked her a lot. Her name is Jenniferennifer marshall right a beautiful girl it's cute she's older than me she had no idea i was a nerd in like the older grades because i got the little makeover for my sister so she's like oh he wears the same abercrombie shirt every day but he's cute you know and i had like a haircut got my braces off i'm feeling like kind of fly so then at homecoming right she, she drives me.

She's older. I don't know how to do that. That's tight. Yeah. I mean, you're 10th grade. She's 11th grade. That's a good one. Yeah, real cool.

We had a limo before that. But then after the thing, she gets her car, and we go to a diner or something, corny stuff that kids do. And so then she's driving me home, and I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, I think I'm going to kiss her. So here's the problem. I'd only kissed my sisters and my mom before that point those are the only girls I'd ever kissed you know like the cheek and stuff well like when when I when I was really young I kissed my mom on the lips and then yeah like on the cheek from then on and what would happen is

my mom she would always make us kiss each other she'd be like kiss her kiss your sisters good night so I'd kiss my sister on the cheek I'd'd say I love you. I'd go to bed. And that became the only thing I knew. So we're in the car and I'm like it's like slow motion. She's like alright well I guess I'll call you tomorrow. We can hang out and go to a movie. And I was like okay. And then I was just sitting there and I was like alright it's happening.

So I just bolted in to kiss her. I kiss her and I go I love you. Oh no. Oh no. I finally get it i finally kiss a girl i dropped i love you on her but in your defense you did fucking love her it was your first kiss like whatever you fucked up it was that was genuine and real it was it sure was yeah i didn't just telling it's certainly not the definition of love mortified but i could see why you would love

the shit out of that girl yeah it was so humiliating and then we broke up like the next week did she did she say anything in that moment or just she looked at me like I was a mutant. She's like, what? What does this chimp just say? He loves me? It was so bad. I remember going home too. I remember the walk to my house that was all fast like a nerdy kid would do. And then I get in my house and I close the door and then I gripped like the

sink of my bathroom and I just like looked in the mirror like, you idiot. I can't believe I lectured myself. I hate you. I lectured myself. I hate you. I love her, but I hate you. What are you thinking? You've got to play it cool. Remember, Janie said play it cool.

It was so awful. God damn it. That is embarrassing. It's the worst, man. And then you have to go to school. What about you? No, I've definitely done that before. I've talked about it openly.

I've told girls i loved them and everything but i'm saying that's why i feel you're like at that moment i who the hell i still don't know what the fuck love is but i'll tell you what at that moment when i said it i meant it i felt it and i fucking believed i think of that all the time like i'm wrong very very often but i'm never not well intentioned yesed. Yes. I think in my entire life, as long as I've been alive, I think even when I've been so wrong, I really was. It's not from a malicious place. I don't think I've ever been mean to anyone.

I'm always like, hey, be my friend. I'm like a dog, you know? What I was going to ask, though, or I was going to tell you is that my buddy Randy, he's like a good friend of mine. He's a comedian guy. And he's telling me stories about childhood so different than mine. That's why I asked you just now.

That dude had no childhood. He was doing drugs and having sex with chicks in ninth grade. Seventh grade, smoking weed, doing acid. I'm like, what are you talking about? Maybe that's why I like life so much. This is the wild part. That's why I love comedians.

There's so many of us and everybody's so fucking different there's a girl i know who has a three-year-old daughter she's very very famous i won't say her name but her daughter because she probably doesn't want me talking about her kids but her daughter is one of the most alert smart like she's reading she's probably this girl's probably like already graduated she's three years old she's like the smartest girl ever got more credits than you she's like present she's like so aware she knew like choreography and like dancing she could be one of these like broadway kids and i was just sitting there just being like captivated by this kid and maybe i'll just speak for myself i don't know if you went if you can identify with this i was like in a fog till like fifth grade i had like kool-aid

stains on my lips i had no idea what was going on no it's just like going through life going and and i i remember like one day i just kind of was like oh i guess i could kind of think for myself and that was a late in life this is a three-year-old who's already like not like that i i certainly got life quicker only because my parents split when we were in like third grade trouble started happening you know we knew uh my mom was cheating on my dad like they weren't they couldn't those are big things yeah so right away you start you know you start everything starts speeding up yeah you're you know you need to react you need to respond you also you're taking in just little you know yeah a line or two from this 30 minute

argument that they're having in another room or whatever um but i was never i i was i was on the honor roll and i was in accelerated classes but i was a 3.0 i was not mechanical pencils didn't you you were a mechanical pencil guy math was my weak subject i was always terrible in math um but i would always i would get a 3.0 i was a straight b student not you know but that was on a roll mine was like zero point it had like letters in it and stuff letters it was like a one point h but my daughter she said something to me a few months ago she looked at me and she goes dad is there a final number and i go what a. Like, you're already smarter than me.

Oh, like out of all the numbers? That just blew my mind, actually. You should see my face when you just said that. Here's the thing. I've never thought. What the hell is she talking about, final number? I've never thought that. Whoa.

Is there a final number? Out of all the numbers. And I said, no. That's the definition of infinity. It's 10. Like Buzz Lightyear to infinity and beyond. That's how I explained Infinity too. So I got that one out.

But I was like, God damn. Without Toy Story, how are you going to work around that? Never. Would have never happened. Without four Toy Story movies, it would have never happened. Tim Allen as the spaceman. So this is obviously a difficult one for me to even ask about. But outside, you told me something that I didn't know about your your sister do you are you really comfortable talking about yeah yeah can we please

because i think this is such a huge issue in our she was my mom figure you know so like is this you had two sisters this your older yeah this is my oldest sister and often you'll hear me reference that i have three sisters and it's because i have a third sister who was not she's not part of our family but she's always been so close to our family that she's so i consider her daughters my nieces i consider her my sister so sometimes when people ask me i say i you know i have two biological sisters but like in my act i'll be like i have three sisters and it's really i have one that's not my sister and one that's passed so technically one real sister left two i don't know how to answer it but anyways i lost my oldest sister a few december's ago in a texting and driving accident.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea. How old was she? So let's crunch the numbers on this. I'm 36. She would have been 42 now. And it happened a few years ago. So she was 40.

What happened? She was talking on the phone to her fiance. And it happened a few years ago. So she was 40. 40? Yeah. What happened? She was talking on the phone to her, like, fiance. And then, like, you know, she's distracted. Was she holding the phone? Yeah, she's holding it. She's distracted. My sister also was, like, a horrible driver, too. So, like, there's that.

That's what's funny. Like, my dad texts and drives. I'm like, you're not good at driving or texting. Why are you trying to merge these worlds, you ding-dong? But my sister says she was on the phone with her fiance, which is awful because he heard it um and then a van full of people hit her but that driver was texting so they're both just distracted drivers uh it was it was a nightmare i remember being heard yeah because she was like

talking where were they on the highway she was like it was like some weird road in oregon where like it's super dangerous but you're supposed to just kind of from a hard left, or hard right, I guess, get onto the freeway. So these people are going like 60 minimum or like 100 most, and you're supposed to just go from zero to get back on. And if she obviously wasn't paying attention, her car was just immediately crushed. It was definitely the worst thing definitely

the worst thing that's ever happened to me because one she was like a mom figure um and we were really really close she was like my friend and my like she was the only person i know like when i had no money right and she had no money she would still find a way to give me like 300 bucks she had like she would be like broke it wasn't like if i give people money now it's like i know it's not gonna hurt my mortgage or like any of this stuff whereas like she had nothing and she would still be like here's 200 bucks and i'm like thank you like this she was one of the most thoughtful best sweetest where were you when you found out i was at a coffee shop in uh in burbank called coffee commissary daytime nighttime and i actually had to go there the next day and apologize because um and they

obviously were like dude you don't have to apologize to us because i i think i freaked them out they know me i go in there every day i write and uh and i just when i got the phone call uh they were like hey i think your sister just died who said this uh i got a call from a police officer really and so i stood up is it daytime nighttime uh probably 6 p.m i'm about to go to like uh the improv in hollywood it's like and i'm writing some stuff i get that call i stood up and uh and because she said we haven't confirmed the identity but it might be your sister who's dead so i stood up i uh i just it's the weirdest thing i went to the barista just because that's the closest person anyone i knew that was in that coffee shop and i didn't know him that well and i go i think my sister and i couldn't say it and he's like what's going on and then i just walked outside and i threw up

in the street oh my god and i came back in and he goes you okay and i go uh and i just like grab my shit i put in the in my bag and i got in the car and i like just drove home i kept like calling people because i couldn't get to the bottom of it because my parents don't talk to her and you know she's got a strange relationship from my sister but the time. But you didn't call them either? Well, I knew they wouldn't have any information. So if it wasn't really my sister and they maybe have a wrong identity, I didn't want to freak out my parents,

especially since I don't talk to them that much. And so it was really, really scary and I didn't know what the hell was going on. And then I later got a call. I went out. I didn't know how else to handle it. So I went to a comic did you do the show or just hang out no i called my friends i say can you come hang out with me and my best friend excuse me justin and my best friend david they came out and i told them what's going on so then we were ordering whiskey and they're like maybe you know maybe

it's okay and so then we went to like this like red carpet thing where i had to like go i didn't have to go but i wanted to go and uh and everyone there was so shocked like went to like this like red carpet thing where I had to like go. I didn't have to go, but I wanted to go. And everyone there was so shocked. Like it kind of became like this little gossipy thing. Like Sarah Pantera and all these other girls were like, dude, I think his sister like just died. Like tonight. And he's out here pretending like everything's okay. And then I was a mess for like weeks.

And luckily my ex-girlfriend at the time, she was my ex already. We were dating prior. But she was really cool. She's obviously my ex now, but she was my ex already we were dating prior but she was really cool she's not like she's obviously my ex now but she was my ex also at the time but she was mature enough to be like he's gonna need someone to work through this with and she was really cool about it that's nice yeah it was awful so my first tonight show said you'll see me wearing like a lapel that has her birthstone on it and that was like kind of like me like like, you know. That's awesome. Giving a shout out to her. I wore, when I did my first network, it was late, late show, I wore my dad's work jacket. Nice.

Yeah. Wait, what did that look like? It was a Pan Am crew chief jacket. What's a Pan Am crew chief? Like an old airline jacket. Oh, cool. Like a work jacket. Did you reference it? No, I just wore it.

Actually, I'm sorry, I'm wrong. I didn't wear his jacket. I wore his shirt. It was a work shirt. Nice. I wore the jacket on this not too long ago. I love stuff like that. It's great. I love that you, Actually, I'm sorry. I'm wrong. I didn't wear his jacket. I wore his shirt. It was a work shirt. Nice. I wore the jacket on this not too long ago. I love stuff like that. It's great.

I love that you... Oh, there you go. That's what it looks like. Oh, nice. That's exactly it, yeah. What Google Ryan Sickler... How much is that thing worth? How much is it?

About $185, something like that. About $100? I'd like to listen to you on a show like The Price is Right or something. I have that jacket yeah i don't know outdoor jackets about 40 um so how who who gave you all the details who told you what it was and texting all that yeah which was really uncomfortable were you like her emergency contact maybe is that why they called definitely not really yeah i think that um they called uh her fiance,

and then he told them to call me. Because the thing is, she had a pretty crummy relationship with my family at the time, and so we kept in touch for sure. But she lived wild. She's at peace now, which is nice, but she was always living in different places

and kind of burning bridges. She went to the clink for a little while. She did? For what? She lived embezzlement. Really? But here's the thing. She had a wild life.

That's where she was getting that 300 every now and then. She was bad at it, too. She'd love this story. I don't feel like I'm speaking ill. Dude, listen to this. She was a paralegal. She was a paralegal for this lawyer. And he loved her because she's great.

My sister's such a likable person. But she was broke. And broke people do desperate things. Yeah, they do. And it doesn't make it okay, but that's just how she lived. She was wild. And so she literally, like one day she just rolls up to my crappy little place I'm staying at, the University of Washington.

And she's in a Corvette, like a brand new Corvette. And we're like, how'd you afford that? She goes, come take a ride. And it's got the hologram of the speed limit on the windshield. And I was like, this thing's awesome. And she's like, yeah. And then she's like, you should see my new place I'm renting.

When we go to her place, she has a tanning bed that she had just bought in the place. So if you're going to embezzle, you've got to lay low. It's a whole Goodfellas thing. De Niro's like, don't fucking show it off. Bring it back. Bring it fucking back. These are my Fabergé eggs full of cocaine.

You're like, no. Shut up. Throw one of these against the wall. Watch how these shatter. It was right there, man. And so she got caught immediately. The guy's like, let's investigate this. Yeah, I mean. She got caught immediately. The guy's like, let's investigate this. Yeah, I mean.

It wasn't subtle. It was just heaps off the top. So naturally, she got in trouble. She had to go to jail for that. And then when she got out, she was kind of sad. How long was she in? She actually got to do a cool one where you get to stay at a house. A halfway house deal?

Yeah, because she's not a threat to society, which I hope if I ever do something, they let me do that. Group home, yeah. It seemed easy. Yeah. She just has free room and board. We had a wrestling coach that worked at one of those, and my brother and I and another kid that wrestled all lived near that.

Yeah. Because it was right next to our middle school, and in high school he would drive us home in the correctional van but we you can't get out from the inside you know he's how old are you we're like 14 or 15 but we're just getting a ride from him but i can picture you guys and they're correct and be like oh yeah they can't mess with us back they got two strikes you can't do shit you can't get out of those damn van he's gotta get out and let you out so you can't get out of those damn vans. He's got to get out and let you out. So you can't just bust out and run whenever the fuck you want. He took all the kids.

He's like, you can't get out of there. It's amazing. Like, God damn. Yeah, she was wild. But it was definitely the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And at her funeral, you didn't reconnect with family then? I went. And it was awful because I'd pretend like we were all...

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because when people die. But that didn't bring you together. No. It should have. Yeah. In fact, it brought us farther apart because there was all this resentment of misremembering

history a little. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. So they're being like, isn't this real sad? It's like, dude, you guys were never. So there was a lot of that. I've let go of it all, to be honest, as far as with my parents. Like, I don't hold them into context.

But they weren't just devastated the whole time? They were. I think they're still really, because I think in the back of their brains, they think, oh, someday we'll reconcile. But, like, that someday never came. That's why you don't, yeah. Because it was too, it just happened so suddenly. It's not like she was sick or anything.

It just kind of happened on a whim. And so they have to live with that. I actually just got to mourn, and I get to tell fun stories about my sister and brag about her all the time, whereas they're still dealing with it because they can't even properly mourn it. It's also therapeutic to talk about it, especially in your art. You get to do that, and that helps. My sister lived like a comic.

My sister lived like a pro wrestler or something. A pro wrestler. Every week something would happen. She's like, one time, this is a good story about my sister lived like a comic man my sister lived like a pro wrestler or some shit like pro wrestler every week something would happen you know she's like one time this is a good story about my sister she was dating this dude named ryan right and ryan worked at the same warehouse yeah no and ryan's a good dude we would work at this warehouse and he was just the best because at the warehouse you don't need a high school diploma or anything i love the fucking criteria they would just just be like, can you lift things? Can you read? No.

Can you lift shit? That's all it was. So I worked at these warehouses, and that makes some good money. And Ryan is the one who got me that job because he was dating my oldest sister. So anyways, Ryan's with my sister. I leave. I come back for the holidays, and I'm crying and moping because I was dating this girl at the time. She was Playmate of the Year.

She was Sarah Underwood Gray. How you turned around. I went from having no money and living in like a car right to literally getting on last comic standing moving to la dating a playmate and having money so it's quite a transition yeah and i was pretty reckless for a guy that couldn't read didn't date didn't do well with girls lived in a car so i literally um when i got to la it was all this new thing kind of like you're explaining about sagira spending all that money you know i'm just it's a problem just going like this and i'm like i'm partying at the playboy mansion like it was it was insane it was like literally insanity but i was not very faithful with my uh with my myspace messages or or flirting with other girls in situations when my girlfriend wasn't around.

I was kind of new to it all, and I was reckless with it. So me and her would have these off and on, very high highs and low lows, breaking up, getting back together. So during one of those, I come home for Christmas. This is a true story. I come home for Christmas, and I'm feeling sorry for myself and being all pouty, even though I know it's my actions. Because the playmate you're dating is not working out.

We broke up, yeah. And I was like like oh you know it's just so hard and like she she just she doesn't understand like i don't know this lifestyle and i go well then anyways you know we're broken up but like what what's going on how's home and then my mom goes oh ryan uh janny's uh boyfriend he went blind just like that what you have i literally was complaining about how i your playmate girlfriend and it was my fault like i was trying to get like sympathy for something that i did with like a playmate of the year and and then my sister's boyfriend just lost his whole vision what happened he had a brain tumor that he didn't know he had and he was not telling anyone because he was like neglecting it or embarrassed people do that all the time it's your reading yeah exactly you just think i'm not dealing with that and so

he knew he had it no he didn't know he had a tumor he just knew he kept getting headaches okay and uh and he would like periodically lose his vision for like, you know, 30 seconds at a time. But he didn't want to tell anyone. He just hoped it wouldn't happen again. And then like two months later, it would happen again. And the tumor was growing, growing, growing. And then the doctor said, there's like zero chance that you're going to, you know, once he figured it out, because he lost his vision for like a whole day.

And so he was like, once he figured it out, he's like, I got out of the hospital. I lost my vision for like 24 hours. And so then when he went to the hospital, they were like, all right, you have a tumor. The odds of you surviving the surgery are really rare. but you know we'll do our best we'll try to get it out of there so he goes under just surviving the surgery yeah and so because they told him the odds of his death were like so high that when he got out of the surgery and they're like we think we got it all you're going to live but you'll never see again that was like good news to him right he was like dude at least i get to be alive.

Because we were all like, what? You're blind now? And so, yeah, I saw him and he still had the scar and he's learning how to live his life without vision. And is he completely blind? Completely, 100% blind. Does he need a cane? No, but he has a cane.

Does he have a dog? He's actually a genius in this too, is that he created his own system. For Christmas, all he asked for was little bolts and then magnets. And what he would do is he would glue the bolts into the magnets. Okay. Or glue the magnets into the bolts, like those small ones that are real strong. And then he made his own system of where he would go.

So he knew how to get to the bus stop. He can't drive anymore. So he would find steel things along the way and put these magnets on it. So if you saw the magnet, you'd think, oh, that's just a bolt. There must be a bolt on the other side. You wouldn't think to remove it

or even check to see if it's... So he would, for the next days... The path? Like, that was his breadcrumbs? Yeah, he would be able to know that, oh, this is the right bus stop because here's the bolt that I placed. And so it was a really genius system. And he would just place them on his path so he'd be able to talk like a lot of key places like sometimes he'll

put him even in like you know i'm trying to think like i can only think of bus stops right now but like let's say it was like a restaurant or something outside of it he'd be like oh i've eaten here before here's like one of my bolts that's like the really weirdest thing um but he was great he was interesting guy like he was like when he i don't know if i should say this but he was like not real faithful to my sister and then when he went blind he was like mr faithful you know and he's like well of course yeah right you could be a two you could be a ten i have no idea yeah exactly i don't need a caregiver i just now i need a caregiver anymore yeah and my sister was so selfless and like took care of she's like she was peeling out in the court she also secretly liked it too because she was like oh this is great

i don't you know i don't have to worry about like my image issues as much because i'm with a guy who's blind so she's only saw the positives great lady and then he broke up with her uh do you know how psychologically devastating that is that's gotta be. To be broken up with by a blind guy. A guy who used to be able to see, now is blind. Who helped wipe his ass. I met someone else. What? How? Did he really?

You're blind. Yeah, yeah. Sincerely. He was going to these blind school things. He still wants to be a teacher. And you can still do that if you're blind, for sure. And so he met a girl. I've seen the hello video.

Isn't that insane? Mm-hmm. Can you imagine being broke up by a blind person? But did he leave her for another blind woman that understood his problem? I don't think so. She probably just felt hotter. I guess. I don't know. She was devastated.

I was mad at that guy for a long time. Because I was like, I've done things in relationships that I deserve to be judged for, but this is a long time because i've done things in relationships that like i deserve to be judged for but this is pretty low one never done that um i want to talk about your turnaround yeah and your dating life now because as you mentioned a playmate so i mean you're like comedy's fucking chachi you you actually you're past his number of playmates, I believe. So how many you've dated playmates and playmate of the years, correct? Do you mind giving your numbers here? I'm hesitant to start this because there's no way to talk about this

without seeming like a douchebag. I'm asking you to talk about it. And two, I'm aware of how douchey this will sound. But look, coming from a kid yeah had the insecurities you had with dating and and then not being able to read and everything else i just find that fascinating because there are so many guys that didn't have any of that that would never have the confidence to even talk to right play if you saw a play maybe like i'm not even going to go over there and i i think that like so it's not douchey i'm literally i want to i'm asking for informative reasons i'm not naive that my looks obviously help in this

department i i i get that i don't want to make it sound like it's all being funny but i do think being funny helps of course and then also um i'm i like i like doing stuff with the girls that's not just sex so like people like oh how'd you have sex with her? You're like, well, we just hung out a bunch. And then I made her laugh all day and then she wanted to have sex. But like sometimes I'll hang out with a girl and like if she just wants to eat and like go do fun stuff and hike and have fun, I'm not sitting there going, I hope she has sex with me after this.

And then because I didn't try to have sex with her, she thinks I'm like this real sweet guy because she lives in L.A. where everyone's just trying to have sex with her and inviting them over at like 11 p.m and so then in their mind they go oh this guy's really nice because he's not trying to fuck me so i think that's a secret cup too just spend the time with them and then make them laugh with the time and with the ladies exactly hang out with them you don't always gotta be you don't always gotta be fucking them you know uh but if we're but it's been said that my sexual resume is more impressive than my comedy. It's been said.

How do you feel about that? I dated Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls for a little while. I dated a few playmates of the year. A lot of playmates, just regular playmates. Just regular old playmates. Fern Cotton, who's like the Ryan Seacrest of England. She's like a Radio 1 presenter. Dev Brugman for a little while.

She's from Bikini A Day. She's gorgeous. How are you meeting these women? All these girls' boyfriends and husbands now are probably not going to be crazy about this little link. But this was just a flash in the pan. You don't have to worry about it. How are you meeting these women? Internet.

You don't have to worry about it. How do you meet these women? Internet. You know, because people treat like, you know, like if you ever heard like a Chris D'Elia or like one of these guys act like they're better than Bumble or like Raya or any of these things, don't let them get away with that. Because we just treat our Instagrams like that. That's what people do. Like I treat my Instagram like a dating app.

I go through that. That's why if I ever get like a serious girlfriend or wife you know she better just deactivate my instagram that's why my dad's never cheated on my mom because he has instagram not because he's never had the opportunity right my dad's never like gone home from work and someone's like hey i love the way you cleaned that pool can i suck your dick like that's never happened hey miss august is waiting in the west wing over there for you okay all right. It's just too tough when you're like a funny comedian. You can even bomb some nights.

But a girl in the crowd will see you making 300 people listen to you, and that's got some sort of power construct. Is that what it's called? Power construct? I'm not sure. I don't have anything in my life going on like you do. Yeah, right. So I don't know.

Please. You're doing theaters full of people. For Tom Segura who has unhealthy spending habits. It's a problem, guys. Yo, we need to give him a little intervention. He needs an intervention. A little money intervention. But you're saying you just DM them or something, these girls?

Or they follow you? They'll follow me. I'll follow them back. Because they see you do stand up or something. I dated Becky Lynch for almost like. Who's that? She's the number one pro wrestler like in the world. Oh, okay. Yeah. She him back. Because they see you do stand up or something. I dated Becky Lynch for almost like a year. Who's that? She's the number one pro wrestler in the world. Oh, okay.

Yeah. She's awesome. Great gal. She's from Ireland. She's cool. She's engaged now to this guy that fucks girlfriends named Seth Rollins. What? I don't know any of that.

People will like that joke. He's a pro wrestler. Oh, okay. Yeah. I think there was some overlap in me and her dating is what I was suggesting. Oh, I see. I see. What else?

I can't confirm that. Sounds like they might know what the hell you're talking about. You know the bad part about dating a pro wrestler? What? She's a female. Not everyone watches pro wrestling. I imagine if she walked in here right now, you might not even know. But wrestling is such a big community that we all know.

Mm-hmm. But I can't presume everyone in public knows pro wrestlers and pro wrestling. So she goes in the ring. She's getting all bruised up and getting shiners and nicks and bloody lips. People pulling her by like, do you need help? And then we walk around in public holding hands, and everyone's going, I was like, no, no, no, no. No, I didn't do that.

I'm the one that needs help. No, no. Ric Flair's daughter did that. So I look like the worst liar in the world. Right, yeah. Like, okay. What? Okay.

I just have to lie again. Just like, ah, she fell. She falls a lot. And you've dated how many pussycat girls? One. As a pussycat doll? Yeah, Ashley Roberts. You dated one.

Yeah. I worked with Nicole Scherzinger on a show, so there was some sort of whispers of that. But I wish. Yeah, no. And then I'm trying to think of what I guess. But that's a pretty good gamut. Models, wrestlers, playmates, regular girls. I love my life.

For those guys out there that have trouble with ladies, be funny. Listen. And be nice. That's the secret. That's it. Confidence, a sense of humor, and just be nice. Right. And Nikki Glaser actually on her new special kind of talked about it.

I think she's probably maybe making a joke for like a misdirection, but I think what she said is true. She's like, you know how powerful a compliment is? I saw that when she said that. It's true. A guy walked out. She's like, hey, you were pretty funny. She's like, oh, my God, thank you. I'm that when she said that. It's true. A guy walked out. She's like, hey, you were pretty funny. She's like, oh, my God, thank you.

I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. I'll do this for the rest of my life. Yeah. Which is, I agree with that. And I do it with even men in my life. I'll compliment a stranger knowing that made their whole day. You can just say nice things to people, and it's really powerful. Just telling a comic, like, hey, I watched your set.

I don't know who you are. My name's Jeff. That was really funny. Yeah. That goes a long way for a young comedian. That's how we met. I went up to you and was like, that was hilarious. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I said, I don't know if you have a manager. You got me a manager. Yeah. And then I recommended my manager. And he's one of the best. He is one of the best. No doubt.

Shout out to Justin Silvera. Shout out to Justin Silvera. Do people ever ask you like, oh, who else? Or they ever say like, who's he with? And you're like, it's just his own thing. Yeah. I'm like, just him. Yeah. I like that better like that better but he used to you know get in the hole whatever used to be with these companies that you know that guy and once you're in this business a while on that side the way we're in our business a while on this side you start realizing these people ain't shit yeah i can do this on my own yeah let me just do this shit on

my own i already spent 20 years making the contacts and the connections and shit. I like a guy who invites me to his house for Thanksgiving. I trust that guy. I don't like an agent who's like, oh, I'm not replying for three weeks because there's some Jewish holidays, and then I'm taking my kids to Machu Picchu. You're like, what the hell? What is your life? On your commission. I just asked you to submit me to Conan.

I didn't need you to like, it's like the weirdest. But like Justin's here. He's grinding. He's working. He's got beautiful daughters, beautiful wife. He's like a nice, perfect dude. And he and I share the same birthday. Isn't that weird?

I didn't know that. Yeah, it's weird. I share mine with some old dude named Jackie Gleason. Do you really? Don't know nothing about him. Come on. I know he's born February 4th. That's all I know.

You gotta be fucking lying. I don't know much about him. I don't know if you remember. History is not my strong suit. But you could look at movies. I'll tell you what. Watch. Look, people are going to yell at me for not giving you the classics.

Okay. The Sting. The Obscure. The Sting. Look, watch Smokey and the Bandit. Okay. Just watch Smokey and the Bandit. I've heard of that before.

Sheriff Buford T. Justice is one of the funniest fucking comedic characters in movies. Okay. That guy is so perfect in that movie i'll watch it this week and we'll talk about it we'll break down how great he is in that and why because he's phenomenal but then of course the sting and all that stuff okay i don't know he's this i think he's in the sting is the sting or is it uh i think it is the sting yeah jackie gleason the honeymooners i mean that's the one that everybody's gonna yell me for why can't i say that the honeymooners if i had to bet all my money that you would know anything about jackie gleason the honeymooners i mean that's the one that everybody's gonna yell me for why can't i say that the honeymooners if i had to bet all my money that you would know

anything about jackie gleason i would have said you didn't i'll tell you his worst movie ever was the toy with richard pryor it was a terrible movie yeah where he's a rich guy who bought a black guy as a toy for his kids holy crap it wouldn't even get made these days you know what's interesting is they always say um you know i just watched for the first time um what's the movie uh where richard it wasn't richard prior but richard prior was part of it uh gosh what is it called where he's the black sheriff in an old western town an old white western town blazing saddles oh yeah i just watched that he rode on it he wasn't in it yeah he wasn't in it he was supposed to to be. He was representation. They used him to say, hey, what was it? They said he was too abrasive and offensive at the time, they thought, for him to be in that movie.

So he wrote on it. Why don't they make that movie now? Everyone says you can't make that movie now. I just went and saw it with Mel Gibson at a Q&A just a few years ago at the Comedy Festival downtown. He was 90-something. He was running around that fucking stage. He was amazing. Wait, who was? Mel Gibson. I was going to say fucking stage. He was amazing. Wait, who was?

Mel Gibson. I was going to say, yeah, you said Mel Gibson. I did say Mel Gibson. I can't picture him running around or being 90. He's not going to make it to 90. Mel Gibson. He was punching Jewish people and shit. Yeah, he's accusing cops of being Jewish.

Have you ever seen a cop and been like, look at this Jew? Like, that's not a thing. Just walking off. That's how far down the wormhole he was. Just a cop harassing him. He's like, these Jews again? It's not a famous position that cops hold. But Jackie Gleason's a legend, man. Eddie Murphy, you as a student of comedy and Eddie Murphy comedian,

he does a whole Jackie G gleason uh honeymooners really yeah imitation impression it's fantastic well like i'm late to everything like just so you know everything so like my buddy honeymooners was black and white it's pretty late i know you're coming in real late on that what's the um so i'm trying to think how long ago this was my best friend in the world justin downing i call him justin bailoff he's a really really great guy but he was like dude have you ever seen uh have you ever seen Mad Max? And I was like, no. And he goes, dude, you'd love Mad Max.

And I was like, what does that mean? Because I don't like these smart movies that are artistic. And you're like, well, it was about this, but it's really about this. And I don't like that kind of stuff. It's too much, man. I need something with a jet ski on fire. You'll love smoking the bandit. Or something like shooting.

You will love smoking the bandit. Hot chick. It's just a Trans Am jumping all over the place. And he's chasing it. That's what I like. It's perfect. Yeah. And my buddy's like, dude, you go home tonight, watch Thunderdome.

I was like, all right. And he was right. It was fantastic. And then he goes, all right, tomorrow I'll watch Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze. I loved it. He goes, all right, the next day you're going to watch it. They live with right. Now, my friends did these movies for me.

They were like 20 for 20. Just going, we know what you like. It's going to be mindless, just monster trucks and people, you know, badasses and stuff. So I have trust in your recommendation. Jackie Gleason. The man. I'm excited.

Speaking of the man, you are the man. Thanks for having me, bro. I appreciate you. Thank you for being here. This has been really, really great. And thank you for opening up. I'm sorry about your sister passing. I mean, that's a lot of tough stuff there.

But that's an important thing. Testing and driving, like we talked, it's more dangerous than drinking, driving, anything out there. It's the most dangerous time to drive. Yeah, be careful. It really is. Right now is the most dangerous time to drive. Because drunk driving used to be like a nighttime thing that maybe like five cars were out there.

You had to watch out. But now, every teenager's on their phone. And on pills. Yeah. And on their phone. All of it at once. And legalized weed. Yes.

So now you're texting while you're high. No, it's my medicine. I need to drive and text and smoke. Be careful. It's wild. Will you please one more time promote anything you'd like? Yeah. Go to my Instagram, at jeff die figure out

where i'm gonna be to come see me on tour i have a patreon uh and if you subscribe to my patreon which is patreon uh slash jeff die you get free tickets to all my comedy shows that's all yeah i comp everything if you're subscribed to my patreon and then you can also watch my podcast by being a subscriber uh jeff dies friendship which we gotta have you on man please yeah i'd love to do it please please yeah thank you man thanks for coming on you're great for having me uh i am ryan sickler by being a subscriber. Jeff Dye's Friendship, which we've got to have you on, man. Please, please, please. Thank you, man. Thanks for coming on. You're great. Thanks for having me. I am Ryan Sickler on all social media,

ryansickler.com. Talk to you all next week. Bye.