The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jessica Kirson - HoneyKirson

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Jessica Kirson! (Crashing, The King of Staten Island) Jessica Highlights the Lowlights of addiction, her father's death, coming out, and her daughter's heart disease. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Dad Grass -Get 20% off your first order when you go to https://www.DadGrass.com/HONEYDEW  Babbel -Save up to 60% off your subscription when you go to https://Babbel.com/HONEYDEW   

oh princess minneapolis i'm bringing a night pants nation tour your way april 28th through the 30th get your tickets to those shows and all shows on my website at brian sickling.com come on princess Come on, princess. You don't mean that. You don't mean that. The Night Pants Nation Tour continues to add dates. Hollywood, California, June 4th, I'll be at the Troubadour. Des Moines, Iowa, June 4th. I'll be at the Troubadour. Des Moines, Iowa, June 24th. One night only.

Omaha, Nebraska, one night only. June 25th. June 30th. I'll be back in Prairie, California. Also one night only. Special guest with me that night will be Jason Ellis. Get your tickets now at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew withyan sickler.com the honeydew with ryan sickler welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com,

Ryan Sickler on all your social media. As always, I want to thank you all for your continued support of this show. It means the world. The numbers continue to climb, and you're making a difference over here in my life too, y'all. I really appreciate it. So subscribe to the YouTube channel,

especially if you're watching. And if you have to have more do once you're done with the regular honeydew, there's the Patreon. It's called the honeydew with y'all, or I'm highlighting the low lights with y'all. So if you or someone, you know, has that story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. You do not need to be a member to be a guest. Uh, it is only five bucks a month. And if you're in for the long haul, you can sign up for a year and get over a month free. And you're also getting the honey do a day early ad free at no additional cost. All right, come out and see me on tour. I'm continuing to add dates. All tickets for the night pants nation tour are

available on my website at Ryan sickler.com. All right, that is the biz. You guys know what we do over here. We're highlighting the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have this storyteller here on the show today. First time here on The Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jessica Kearson. Welcome to The Honeydew, Jessica. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Well, first of all, thank you for being here My pleasure It was a pleasure to meet you last night

I am a fan, I'm a student of the game I know who a lot of people are And they have no idea that I know who they are They certainly don't know who the fuck I am But I've been really stoked to get you on And I've been telling a lot of people That you're an upcoming guest And you've got a lot of people that you are an upcoming guest. And you got a lot of fans out there.

So I'm very excited. I love your antics. I'm a big Pratt Fall fucking fan. Yours are the best. Yours are just like a dead feet. You just go. You just fucking go. I love it.

I love the videos in the car. I love all of it. So I've been watching you. And I'm stoked to have you sit there in that seat today. Thank you. Yeah, I met you at the Comedy Store last night, and the minute I met you, you gave me a huge hug. You were so warm. I was so excited to meet you.

Yeah. Thank you. That made me feel good. Good. You know, sometimes it's very awkward to meet people, but you really, it was, you were so friendly and made me feel welcome. It was very sweet. That's nice. Thank you for saying that yeah

making me blush over here um all right we've got a lot to talk about but before we do please plug promote everything anything social media podcast shows all of it yeah well i i i look promote my tiktok because i've been posting crowd work videos every day. You kill on crowd work. Thank you. Yeah, that's my big thing. You fucking kill on crowd work. Thank you. That's very sweet. Yeah. So my TikTok is Jessica Kirsten, Instagram, Jesse Kirsten, and my dates.

I'm on tour, so jessicakirsten.com. And that's what's going on. People should come see me on the road. They definitely should. Yeah. All right. So tell me about you. Like we said, we met last night finally after a long wait.

And where are you originally from? I grew up in South Orange, New Jersey. Okay. And just grew up in suburbia, great town, all kinds of people. I love where I grew up. I really do. Are you from a. I love where I grew up. I really do. Are you from a big family? Not a big family.

Jewish, not religious, liberal, you know, not. Just my parents got divorced when I was separated when I was 12, divorced when I was 13. Not an easy age for that to happen. They both got remarried. My mom married Zach Braff's father from Scrubs. Oh, really? Yeah. So you guys are stepbrother and sister?

Stepbrother and sister. All right. And then we ended up living together in the house. My mom is a therapist. She saw clients in the basement of our house my whole life. Did you ever hear shit did you ever i heard everything what's the what's the what's the what's something that's burned in there that you remember hearing a person say to your mom or your mom well i would sit on

she saw clients in the basement so i would sit on the stairs and listen to every session we would and then i i got high i mean i was i'm a drug addict so i would i was a drug addict from day one um well i started getting high when I was 13. So I would just- And you would smoke weed and- We would all, all the siblings and all my friends, we would just get high and then sit on the stairs and just eat snacks and listen to the sessions.

And they were like, I don't like the way you're talking. You know, because she was a couples therapist. So we would listen. No, yes, no. You know, just screaming and just crack up and just listen to these sessions because she led groups also. And my stepfather, Zach's father, was a lawyer, big lawyer, but he became a therapist. So it was like meet the Fockers because they ran courses together.

It was hilarious in the house. They ran like a marital couple. Yes. Oh, man. So they did couples courses on the weekends. Are they still married? Well, he passed. Oh, man. So they did couples courses on the weekends. Are they still married? Well, he passed. Oh, sorry.

That's okay. But they had the best relationship I ever saw in my life. So they knew what they were talking about for them. All right. Okay. So they took a ton of courses together. And they became counselors together. They got degrees.

These degrees. Right. And so they had like bonding weekends and sex weekend. It was crazy. So all these couples would come to the house and do these weekends. Sex weekends?

Well, like how to, you know, become more intimate. Like people wouldn't be like fucking in the house. But it was, in the basement. It was like anal weekend.

Everyone was doing, yeah, we'd go in the basement. Everyone had like anal weekend. Everyone was doing. Yeah, we'd go in the basement. Everyone had like broccoli in their assholes. No. And then my dad got remarried and they had two kids. So I ended up having a sister growing up. But then I had, you know, eventually four steps, two halves and a full sister. And, you know, I'm very lucky because everyone got along and my parents made it great.

And, you know, my parents would- Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. No, that's okay. When you say everyone got along, your mom and dad still got along after they split? Yes, they made it okay. And we all went to family events together and sometimes would celebrate holidays together. And, you know, everyone made it work. And my step siblings would go to events with my half siblings. And, you know, it's like, really, I'm lucky because it was never like, I'm not going to this because this one's there. And I really, yeah, I'm really blessed that that's how it was for me.

I'm curious if there's anything that you heard on those stairs that's etched in your brain forever. No. Nothing. Didn't hear anything that's etched in my brain forever. But, you know, at the time, there were no cell phones. There were no beepers. There was nothing, right? So, I mean, I'm a 70s kid. So,

my mom didn't, she was disorganized with when the clients were coming very. So, she would forget they were coming. I mean, this was extreme. So, a lot of times clients would show up and she would be gone for the day. So, I grew up in Jersey. She would go to the city for the day, New York City. So, sometimes two, three clients would show up and I didn't know where she was. So I'd have to like let them in and they would just be waiting for her. And I'd have to like say to them,

I don't know when she's coming back. Sitting in your house. Yes. It's like a sitcom, right? It's amazing. So they, I would just- But also as an adult, don't you think you'd be like, I'll come back.

Right, but they were used to her being late or maybe not showing. And meanwhile, these people have abandonment issues. It's so crazy. That's why they're staying. That's why they're staying. So I'm like, I don't know. And I was enraged. I was enraged because I would be like, I don't know where she – and I'm a kid.

So I was like her secretary. So sometimes there'd be one person there or two, like this room in the den you know just waiting for her um and you know it was weird to have like this business out of the house yeah and i had to be quiet right and i had to be quiet my whole life because she had these clients so i was always being silenced it's part of why i love being a comic because i can be loud i have a microphone i could say whatever i want because I was always being told to be quiet and don't walk around too much. Don't make noise. And, you know, it was hard being in a home as a child having to always be quiet. Yeah.

Amazing. Well, you mentioned addiction early. You said you were smoking weed early. What was the first thing you had? Alcohol? Yeah, the first thing I tried was alcohol. At what age? Oh, God.

Well, I mean, I think my dad gave me a taste of alcohol when I was very young, maybe eight or nine. But I started drinking at 12, started smoking pot at 13, but immediately was like, oh oh this is how you don't feel your feelings and you just get numb and you love yeah of course um and from you know the get-go was never like i'll just do a little i mean i'm an addict so i immediately was a garbage can and just wanted to use a lot. And that was when I started, you know, just, I was always the one, you know, out of the group that wanted more and more and more and more. When did your parents find out? Well, they didn't know I was an addict until like my 20s when I was like, I'm going to rehab.

Okay. So you never had, you never got snagged with a DUI or any of that shit that they found out about? No. I mean, I got caught with alcohol in my car when I was in high school, but that wasn't like I just, you know, the cops. I was in the car with my friends, and I had open alcohol in the car. But no, I hid my drug use very well. You did?

Yes. I was great at lying and hiding. Were you the only one one did you know if your other siblings were using as well or you just keep into yourself and shutting the fuck up about it yeah no i was um i mean you know there's there's i'm really the there's other addictions in my family like there's food food addiction is very big in my family. I feel like I am one, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I think more so I'm the only, you know, in my immediate family, not in like the branches of other things. But in my immediate family, I'm the only one with like a drug and alcohol problem. Yeah. What was your drug of choice? I mean, marijuana has always been the go-to. It's always the one that I've got.

Do you still smoke? No, I don't do anything. I'm completely 100% sober. I can't do anything. I keep hearing about California sober. I keep hearing about that. Yeah. I don't judge. What's that, just weed? Is that what that is? Yeah. I don't judge anyone for anything and everyone does their own thing. But for me, and everyone does their own thing. But for me, being sober is 100% off everything because being sober for me is no mind altering drugs and pot is a mind altering drug. And anytime I have smoked pot,

eventually I have gone back to alcohol and drugs. There's never been a time and trust me, I've tried. Where you've just tried, yeah. I've tried many times to smoke pot. And even if it's a year or three years later, I will eventually take pills or have a drink or, you know, because really being sober is being sober off of everything, including pot. So when people say they're sober is being sober off of everything including pot so when

people say they're sober um that means off of everything um so i uh you know being in california is very tricky because uh you know a lot of people say they're sober but they smoke pot yeah and in new york you know it's or live, you know, being sober for the most part is no one smokes pot. Well, a lot of people here tell you they're sober and they're fucking doing cocaine every night, too. Yeah, there's a lot of bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened to make you say, hey, I need to check myself into rehab? What was it?

Well, I have gone out. I've been sober, you know, I was sober eight years and then started using again. I've been sober six years and started using it. I mean, now I've been sober a while. But what happened every time is that, well, the first time, the first time, the first time was I knew that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol, that I could not stop on my own. I hit an emotional, physical, and spiritual bottom where I was at my wit's end. I was not okay. I felt horrible physically. I could not stop using drugs no matter what i try like i i couldn't stop like i could not um wake up and not use you know it was the first thing i thought of it came before everything um it made my life unmanageable in every way shape or form like it came it it came before

family friends were everything it didn't matter like That was my first thought the second I opened my eyes. And I wanted to die. I was just miserable, a miserable person. And so, I actually sent myself to rehab. I mean, that's powerful right there. A lot of people say they've had an intervention, they're caught by surprise or whatever, but for you to be self-aware, that's good for you. Yeah. That's kind of what always made me believe in a higher power also. I'm not like a religious person. But, you know, I've been saved so many times I've been just there's

something protecting me because I should not be here right now uh you know something just made me just call up a rehab and say you know I want to come there because I I I knew I just knew that I couldn't use. It's had control over me and I can't have a little. I just can't. But addicts were so sick. I'm so sick that if I don't work a program, if I don't work on it really hard every day, and it's an easy, simple thing to do. It's not that difficult, the things I need to do to stay sober. It's very simple. My brain is so crazy that I will start thinking eventually, I can just smoke a little pot. Believe it or not, I will start thinking that. I can have a drink. Alcohol is not really my thing. Or I can, what's a big deal? I can take a Xanax. I'm really anxious today. Like,

that's what happens to your brain. Let me ask you. So, let's say you start smoking weed. You say eventually you always shift to something else. Do you now get rid of the weed? Is the weed a progression to alcohol or you said pills or whatever? Like, are you then, or is it all? Oh, it's all in. Yeah. Yeah. For me, it is. So, how hard is it for you to work in this business i mean there's weed and alcohol and pills and coke and everything running rampant through these buildings it's not hard when i'm working on my program so when i'm connecting with people who are also sober and i have like a network of people when i'm um going to meetings when i'm

you know praying when i'm meditating when I'm working. Most of all, before anything, helping other people. When I'm doing service, which means I'm helping another alcoholic or addict, when I'm volunteering. Because addicts are very selfish people. We're very self-involved and focused on ourselves. And me, me, me, me, me, me, I'm always in my head and self-centered. Not in a mean way, but just always talking to myself and thinking about myself. So when I get out of myself and focus on someone else and try to help someone else uh i'm i'm always in good shape you know i i don't even think about using drugs or i'm in i'm in really good shape so i

barely think i i really don't even ever think of using drugs or alcohol how long have you been clean and sober now i've been back a year and a half. Oh, good for you. Because I wasn't working a program. This is what happens. When I stop working a program, I eventually will end up using. And during COVID, this is what got bad. This for so many people. I slowly stopped doing the work I was doing. COVID happened.

And then my father, unfortunately, passed away a month into COVID. Oh, man. Yeah, from cancer. And it was bad. It was really, he got sick very quick. Thank you, pancreatic cancer. And I was, if I had been working a program and doing all the things I just mentioned to you, I guarantee you I would not have relapsed. But I started smoking pot

and didn't go full force into other things. But when I do that, like I said, I have to start over. I have to be honest with myself. And I had to start counting days and it killed me, but I had to- How long had you been up to that point? Long time, years. Years, Years. Wow. So I. But.

And some people don't do that. They just say. Oh I just smoked pot. I'm just going to keep. But I. For me. I had to say. Zero.

It was hard. But. How many days did you. How long was this binge? Not too long. One. It wasn't too. Yeah.

It was like. It wasn't that long. It was a couple months. And then you checked yourself again. Did you rehab? Or did you just. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah was a couple months. And then you checked yourself again. Did you rehab or did you just stop on this? No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But, you know, I did go away and deal with some trauma stuff because I was very traumatized by his death.

It was hard. And all the COVID stuff and a lot of other stuff. It was really, really hard to deal with all of that. Were you there? Were you? Yeah, I was. Thank God he of that. Were you there? Were you? Yeah. Thank God he was home. Okay, I was going to say.

Thank God he wasn't in the hospital. Because they wouldn't let you in at that point. All those people that dealt with that, I can't even imagine, and are still dealing with stuff with that. It's so hard. Did you get to say goodbye? I did. I did. It was hard with him.

He was very angry when he passed. He wasn't in the frame of mind of, I want you to be happy. I want you to have a great like, he was angry when he passed. He had an angry face. You know, I pictured his, he had this angry face. Like not ready to go, man. He was very ready to go. He was ready. Yeah, he was very ready. What do you think the anger was? He was angry a lot.

Just an angry person always. Yeah, I love, my father was the funniest person I've ever met in my life, which is a huge thing for us to say. We're comedians. I've met every famous, I mean, for me to say that is he was brilliantly funny like he made me laugh harder than anyone in my life um he was you know he had anger and he was in a lot of pain and very uncomfortable and he just wanted to go and he's's like, can you believe I'm fucking alive still? I fucking want to go. He would say,

can you believe I'm fucking alive still? Yeah, he's like a Brooklyn macho, like, Jesse, I just want to fucking die. I just want to fucking die. Right, he's fucking done. Done. Isn't that incredible? That is incredible.

Some other person done want to go. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'll dump on a go. Yeah. He's like, I'll trade you, motherfucker, please. He's like, what the fuck? You know, he's enraged. I love it. I know. But he didn't, you know, I wanted him to just be like, I love you and I want you to be happy. And it wasn't that.

And he looked, I couldn't get his face out of my head, this angry, just this angry face. And, you know, I, you know, I was like, I love you. And he's like, I love you, I love you. How many times are you going to say I love you? It was a lot. It was a lot for me to deal with. And I didn't want to show up and I did. Thank God, I was angry at him. I wanted this time with him to be loving and it wasn't. And he was nicer to my other two sisters. And I know he couldn't deal with some stuff with me. I know he couldn't get vulnerable with me. I really felt that. I know how much he loved me. And I think he couldn't get vulnerable with me. I really felt that. I know how much he loved me, and I think he couldn't deal with it with me in certain ways. Like, we had this strong bond, and I'm telling you, I think he couldn't go there with me in certain ways.

But I did some work around it. I did some trauma work around it. And I did this thing called ART, which is accelerated resolution therapy. It's unbelievable. I haven't heard of that one. Unbelievable. Yeah. So people do EMDR. That's what I'm in now.

You are? Okay. I love that you're doing EMDR. This is my second time doing it. Okay. I went originally for anxiety. This is my second time doing it. I went originally for anxiety.

So very quickly, my daughter almost got hit by a car and it unearthed anxiety. It had just been laying in a hammock with his legs crossed down there just waiting to show up. And then all of a sudden, I'm scared to fly. I had never been scared to fly. Oh, yeah. And I'm scared of heights. And I'm like, I was talking to Dr. Drew about it. I'm like, this is all new. He's like, I know exactly what you're going through.

He sent me to this lady and she worked with me for a few months. And boom, I can sleep on planes now. I can fly. I knew I had to get over because we got to do it for our job. Like, I can't be fucking scared every weekend. So it worked. And now I'm going back for, you know, new stuff because you're never fixed. You're never fucking.

I'm so glad you're doing EMDR. Yeah, I love it. I love it. So ART is the same thing except you go for one session or two sessions to fix. It's exact same thing. It's eye movement therapy. But you only need one or two? Is that right?

It's like that kind of power. I mean, we. Yeah. Is that real? Yeah. I don't need to sit there with buzzers in my hands. It's real. Okay. So I went to the. It's that we. Yeah. Is that real? Yeah. I don't need to sit there with buzzers in my hand. It's real. Okay.

So I went to the. It's that powerful. Yeah. Tell me. Yeah. So I went for a bunch of different things. And the biggest thing I went for was with my dad. I couldn't get his face out of my head.

I couldn't. The image of that shit. And I went and I got rid of it. You did. I can't, when I'm right now trying to picture the way he looked, I can't. I just tried and it went away. So I literally just tried to picture it and my mind swiped it away. So do you go to this therapy with like individual things?

I'm here for this. We work on that. Next, I'm here for this. We're not throwing a whole junk pile together. No, I did. I have gone and thrown a whole junk pile and it'll get you through all of it yeah now it's worked most of the time there's a couple of times it didn't work but i worked on a lot of stuff to i went for a whole

thing about my dad to forgive him for a lot of stuff and it worked um and i you know, the work I did about him was I ended up kind of seeing him as a child. And I was able to do it because he had a very, very, very difficult mother. And I was able to forgive him for a lot because he didn't come from a great situation. So is it an hour-long session or is it more intense? Hour and a half, I'd say. Hour and a half. And you're doing constant eye movement the whole time? Mm-hmm.

And you've done the EMDR and do you prefer ART? Is ART, I say it right? I never did a long thing of EMDR for like months or weeks. Yeah. But I have had very good success with ART, but it has to be someone who's really good. Okay. I've gone to one person with ART who was not good. And I've gone to two who are incredible. The one that I went to was one of them originated it in West Hartford, Connecticut. Oh, wow.

Okay. And she was the originator. So she's amazing. And the other one I went to at the center I went to in Florida was incredible also. All right. I'm going to look into that. Yeah. I'll give you the information.

I want all the mental. I say all the time, we're also trying to work out our abs and our muscles and shit. And nobody's up there working their mind. ART is unreal. All right. I'm excited. It's amazing. I have been cured of things in an hour and a half.

I'm not kidding. People can say that's ridiculous. You can say whatever you want. It doesn't lie to you, though. It lied to me. I forgave my father in an hour and a half. Now, listen. I'm the child of a therapist i've been in therapy since i'm eight years old so people can say whatever i'm 52 they can say whatever the fuck they i don't care what they say i've been

to every kind of therapist there is i've been i forgave my father of a lot in an hour and a half. So I've wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on therapy over a lot that I cured in an hour and a half. So, I mean, I don't care what anyone says. Yeah. It's insane. Like, I left there and I'm like, if I had done this at 20, I would have saved tens of thousands of dollars it's crazy hours of therapy and crazy when when dr drew said oh it's not talk therapy i was like hang on a second i know i didn't say anything y'all call it talk therapy in your world like i just thought it was therapy you know what

i mean and he's like that's talk therapy this is emdr this is this this is this i'm like holy shit yeah and that emDR was something else. So I feel like this sounds like the next level up, and I'm definitely going to go try that out. Yeah. And this woman, she deals a lot, mostly, with veterans. Yeah. Yeah, she does a lot with firemen and cops and people like that,

people who have witnessed murders. Oh, God, the shit they must see. I know, it's unreal. Yeah, and their minds, they just wipe it out. It's gone. Have you ever just been too damn high? With today's weed, it can be a dangerous game, and I know you don't always have time to play reefer roulette when you're looking to light up.

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I'm from such a great family where they really were more concerned about how I would be treated in the world. And that I'd have to, you know, hide it. And people would judge me and that I could never be free. They never thought I'd have kids. They never thought I could get married legally. You know, stuff like that. But they all accepted me and loved me. The trauma was more the hiding, the lying. I was in a secret relationship for three years because I had met my first love in college and I was a senior and she was a freshman and we hid it. So it was meeting in hotels and lying and dating guys so that people

would think we were straight. I mean, it really almost killed me. It was horrible. Wow. You're living a double life. It was horrible. Jeez. Yeah. So that kind of hiding and lying, and I know people can relate to this that are listening.

It's like if you're having an affair or if you're in love with two people or whatever. So many people can relate to this. It can kill you. It literally can make you feel like you're in love with two people or whatever, so many people can relate to this. It can kill you. It literally can make you feel like you're going to die. And also caring so much what people think and feeling like I'm a sinner. And even though I'm not from a religious family, just feeling like there's something wrong with me um and i believe it or not i still have that a little bit because of what religious people have said even though i'm not religious i still have that a little because of this extreme right bullshit yeah Yeah. So that was traumatic for me. At what age do you understand that you're gay?

So I always was a tomboy. And I had crushes on boys when I was younger. I'm not, I've never felt 100% a lesbian. So I'm definitely like, I'm, I guess I'm bi and very much prefer women. So I was sexual with some guys, but I never could fall in love with a guy ever. Can I ask you a personal question?

Sure. Who did you lose your virginity to first guy or girl i was with girls like i would fool around with girls when i was a young girl like which is very common um i was with girls before i was with boys um i had lost my virginity to a boy when i was 17 in a not a good way because I did it at my freshman orientation for University of Maryland in a room from where also have your turn yeah yeah all right yeah yeah you did this at the orientation I did and it was and I was wasted and the only way you lost your virginity and that the only reason why I did it was to say that I did it before I went to college. Like it was horrible because I- You were just getting rid of it.

Right. And I was out of my mind wasted and there was another random guy and a girl in the hotel room in the next bed. I mean, it was really crazy. Like it was like- You lost your virginity in a threesome? No, well, they were in the next bed having sex.

And it was like, I just did it to like say I had sex before I went to college like I wasn't I didn't even know the guy and I just did it like because all my friends had had sex and I was about to go to college it was like the summer before I went to college um and I went to college and uh I just you know I would date guys but never be into them. You know, always like if I slept over, I'd be like, when can I get out of here? Just never wanted to spend time with them. And all my, I had so many straight male friends, but I never was in love with them or had feelings

like that for them. I could enjoy sex, but I'd have to get wasted. And I would be like attracted to girls, but I didn't never knew what it meant or what it was. And then I met this girl in college and I just wanted to be with her 24 hours a day, but I didn't know I was gay. I didn't know what that meant. Like, it wasn't like it is now. You know, you didn't, back then in 89, 90, no one was like gay. Like it just, when I, we were that age, like in college, it wasn't, no one was like out where I was, like in my surroundings. But, you know, I fell in love with this girl. Like I fell in love with her girl. Like, I fell in love with her. It wasn't even like a sexual thing.

I literally fell in love and still didn't think I was gay for years. And I was with her. I was just like, it's her. It's just her. It's not because she's a woman. And I had shame about it for years. Was she out already with her family? No, we both were first. Oh, you were her first as well.

Okay. Mm-hmm. And. You had shame about it for years. Years. After or while you're dating, you mean? While we were together and just didn't understand what was going on. Am I a lesbian?

Like while we were together and then I would just like kind of be with guys, you know, when she was still in college. Because she was a freshman and I was a senior while she was still there. And I left him like, you know, sleep with some guys and be like, you know, am I only attracted to girls? What's going on? I was so confused. Yeah. Were you, what's my question were you okay were did you ever introduce each other to family as friends or anything like were people aware of her well they we they all knew we

were friends okay but so she wasn't you guys weren't hidden completely from each other's lives. No, we were friends. We were like best friends. But when I told my family, my mom's like, well, obviously, well, I was hysterically crying because I was so freaked out about telling people. And my mom's like, well, I knew. Like my mom's a therapist. She's like, obviously, I knew you were together. You would like cry when she leave. I was like, Melissa, I knew you were together. You would, like, cry when she'd leave. I was like, Melissa!

Just going home. My dad cried when I told her because he thought it was his fault because he was very verbally abusive at times. So he thinks he affected you. He was very self-involved. Oh, my God. It's my fault that you're gay. I know. Isn't that so narcissistic? That very narcissistic that you're gay i know isn't that so narcissistic

i did this i know i know and my and he feels bad about it i know i know i'm sorry that's just such a bam i know and my but really their concern was more how i'd be treated in the in the world because again this was 93 or something i gotta imagine they're also with this couples therapy they're probably hearing some couples with kids who are gay who are getting abused oh sure you couldn't walk down the street holding hands at that you couldn't do anything at that point and then my sister literally the way i told her and she would say this to this day thought i had cancer or something like she literally thought i was dying by the way i told her i mean i was like she thought i was dying so she was like

and she was not surprised no one was surprised when i told them um you know it was more my stuff it's always been more my stuff about it no one i mean i had a friend who when i told her this is horrible but when i told her she told she didn't want me in her wedding party anymore i know isn't that horrible yeah for real yeah isn't that horrible that is it's petty and i still went to the wedding it was horrible you did go i did and i ended up fooling around with a guy there i got really wasted and fooled around with a guy at the wedding and i it was disgusting like i fooled around with him like in a hallway at the saint regis which is one of the fanciest hotels in new York City. Yeah. Yeah. That was horrible that she did that. But yeah, I've never really gotten anything about it. I've been treated pretty well and I'm grateful.

At what point do you become comfortable? I know we will say never in your own skin, what point do you embrace this is who i am and this is how we're moving forward at what age would you say and you say you came out at what 22 you said no i was about like 24 um i i think it took years for me to really be comfortable uh i i don't know i'm it took a long time it really did i started um you know i i i talked about it on stage uh you know after a long time i did i did gay shows for a while i started talking about it more on the road and stuff in clubs when my career started taking off more and I could. I also started talking about it very openly when I had children because I was like, I will never hide this so that they feel ashamed. Right.

had children because I was like, I will never hide this so that they feel ashamed. Right. That's when I really was like, I am not going to be ashamed of this because I never want my kids to feel. Yeah. You got to break that. Yeah. Never want them to feel like it's not okay. Okay.

So tell me, um, 24, you come out, it takes a few years to get comfortable. What age are you a mom first? How old are you? zoe um how many kids do you have again i have four daughters four daughters yeah i have a women's march it's great you got a mini women's march over there you do um so i the my first daughter was born when I was 36. Yeah. Yep. So Zoe is going to be 16. Yep. She's, I can't believe that. Yeah. So driving with her yet. Actually, my ex just sent me a video yesterday of her driving with her. I can't even believe. I drove with her once. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's crazy. She's an actress. She has an agent. It's insane. She's an amazing actress. Your daughter? Yeah. Yeah, she's in the school.

I know, it's insane. She is, she's in the school for the performing arts half the day. She's amazing, incredible performer the day she's amazing incredible performer um and oh she's unreal and uh and then i had so i've won with my ex and i have three with my current wife you have two you said you had two baby mamas i do i'm a rapper my rapper name is lil ju lil ju pill popper My rapper name is Lil Ju. Lil Ju Pill Popper. Okay.

Tell me what that's like. Tell me what it's like. So you have one with your ex. Okay. When did you meet her? I met my ex. This is great. I was flyering for a comedy show.

Isn't this amazing? Oh, please tell me this. Yeah, it was downtown in New York City flyering. And she took a flyer. She thought I was a flyer for a living. Isn't that great? She thought that's what I did for a living. I was like 20.

I was 29. And then she came to the show and saw me perform. And that was it. We got together. We ended up, we had a wedding. Eventually, together. We ended up, we had a wedding. Eventually, after dating for a while. We had a wedding, but it wasn't legal at the time. Right.

And this was, what, 2000. And then we decided to. It's crazy to say that fucking number and still think that gay marriage wasn't legal. No, it wasn't. I mean, that is ridiculous. Yeah. A lot of people wish it still isn't legal. Or want to reverse it.

Trust me. A lot. This world is ending. Anyway, so. So, yeah. So, we had a wedding. And then we decided to have kids. kid so we you know did in vitro she carried um we had zoe and then we ended up you know not it didn't work out and then

we broke up and then i eventually met danielle who's my current wife we wanted to have a child and so we did and we had Isabella, who's now. I love that name. Isn't it great? We used to call her Bella and Izzy and so cute. And Bella is six and a half now. And then we were like, oh, well, maybe we'll have, you know, another one. Bella have a little, you know, little sister.

And then we did in vitro again and we had twins oh there's my god it was insane are they fraternal they're fraternal and they're all girls crazy so i forced so there are three so i have i have a 15 and a half year old six and a half year old and three year old twins man you are fucking how do you have time for anything in life well i'm listen this is the question i want to ask you because i'm setting you up sort of and i didn't mean to but did you take the lesson from your parents of co-parenting successfully across the board with everybody yes now this is the deal. My oldest does not, they don't all spend time together. So my, you know, my ex does not, like, Zoe doesn't spend time with the other three.

That's the way that it has ended up because of my ex doesn't want that to happen. So it's a little upsetting, frustrating, but that's the way it is. My, but that's the way it is. But everyone gets along. But you know what? They're all going to grow up and they're all going to want to talk to each other. They are. No matter what we try and do and stop.

And they have been around each other. I know. It's social media. That's the good thing. I know. I hate social media, but it's not like we were in the 70s, 80s where you ran into somebody at the store.

You're like, oh, my God. The general store. Forever, you know. And they have all been around each other. And Isabella's been to Zoe's shows. It's not like it's a horrible, tense situation. And, yes, I mean, I get along with my ex very well. And, you know, everything's fine.

Thank God. Everyone gets along. I see Zoe all the time. And, yeah, and they're both gets along. I see Zoe all the time. And yeah, and they're both great moms. I'm so lucky. My kids are amazing and they're unbelievable. I'm really blessed. And I'm not, you know, like you, I'm on the road constantly. So I have these incredible women who are like great mothers. And Danielle is a therapist also, like my mom. Can you believe that?

My wife's also a therapist. This is unbelievable. Who does Zoom sessions from home. I mean, this is all sitcom. Is that real? It's full circle. Here's 2022. I know.

I didn't even tell you that. Do you listen to any of those? Oh, my God. Well, I know. Sometimes I can hear them them but it's insane um but so she you know works part-time and she brings up the three i mean she's incredible and she's always like go do what you need to do go work it's i'm very lucky because i mean you know you have to be with someone who's like okay with okay with us being away. Like, she's always, like, do what you need to do.

Go on the road. Do. Because I could never be with someone. I don't bring the money home to pay for my shit. Yeah. I got to work. Go fucking work. Yeah.

Yeah. Good. Yeah. And, you know, we deal with a lot. I mean, we have, you know, I was talking to you about this, but our six-and-a-half-year-old has heart six and a half year old has has heart disease she has major congenital heart disease um unfortunately we we isabella um uh we found out when she was danielle was six months pregnant that she has what's called truncus arteriosis it. It's very rare. It's crazy.

It has that name, her main heart valve. It looks, the bottom looks like a trunk. So it's all mangled. It's a nightmare. And so we had found out that the minute she was born, she would need open heart surgery. The minute? The minute. I mean, right out of the open heart surgery. The minute? Minute.

I mean, right out of the body into surgery. Yep. Good Lord. So we had to plan that. We had to find the best doctor. And thank God we're in New York City. We went to literally one of the top doctor heart surgeons in the world. I mean, we're blessed. Are you just freaking the fuck out?

Oh, it was a nightmare a nightmare i i can't imagine so um so you gotta hand your newborn baby over to these doctors to do a heart surgery right into tiny little pick you yeah unreal so she was born. Six days later, she, you know, chest opened, open heart surgery. They didn't, they weren't even able to fix the main problem, which is to her heart valve. They weren't, the main heart valve, they weren't able to fix that. They were able to put in another tube. She has two big problems, but the main one they weren't able to fix.

To make a very long story short, she's had three open heart surgeries. I know. By six and a half? She's had three open heart surgeries and a stent. She's had a stent put through her groin already. And she needs a lot more. And a lot of people want you to say,

I've noticed, which makes a lot of sense, and I get it, that everything's okay. When you have a child with a health problem, she'll be okay, right? She's okay, right? Everything's fine, right? She doesn't need more surgeries, right? And I'm like, no, she will be okay, but she's not done.

And she needs a lot more surgeries. And she needs more open heart surgeries. Is she a candidate for a transplant? She doesn't need a transplant, hopefully. She needs, she doesn't need a new heart. She needs a heart valve. She needs a, they're waiting as long as they can for the main valve replacement.

Is that because as we grow and I see, that's the other thing I'm wondering about age and your heart grows and like you can cause more damage. Yeah. So she has an appointment Monday. So what they do is we take her every six months. She has to get the whole thing, the EKG, the this, the that. And so we just pray every six months that she gets the okay

because she has a leak. It's crazy. It's a lot. It's uncomfortable for people to hear, but it's like, we just want the thumbs up every six months. She's okay for the next six months. She's on medication twice a day for the rest of her life. And it's just, you know, we prolong it as long as we can because your heart grows.

And like at a certain point, it stops growing. Do you know what age? What age is it? certain point it stops growing what do you know what age what age they say around like your teen you know 13 14 15 you know that that it's that they just want to keep prolonging it as soon but but the pro you know the other thing is is that tube because it narrows this other issue she has and that's why she's had to have the other open heart surgeries to replace that too. And that they could fix. Yeah. And that is that good to go, so to speak? What? Is that good to go now, so to speak? It is for now, but that's why she's had to have the three open hearts and the stent because that will narrow or has to be replaced. So that they might have to do at a certain point. When they go in to do the other thing, they might be able to do that. Right. So they don't have to do this to crack your daughter's chest open two more times jesus i know now how's her scar do they always go the same place

it's extreme she has a huge scar and then she has 50 other neck i mean they're all white but you know yeah it's a lot it's it's a lot, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. Her whole back, it's a lot. I just met a girl, a friend named Daisy, who has scars from stuff like that all over her body. I don't know what it was from. I don't want to ask, but she hated them. And I'll be honest, you said white, and that's exactly what they were. They were white.

And I, listen, I know it was trauma that she went through, but it kind of looked awesome, to be honest with you. I think it does, too. It was almost like an alternative to tattoos. I know what you're going through for that shit, but I thought it looked tough. I really did. I actually get what you're saying. You know? Because to me, they're very light. It doesn't look bad.

Like, it doesn't – they're not – They look like little bird feet. That's exactly what they look like. Right? Yeah. bad like it doesn't they're not they look like little bird feet that's exactly what they look like right yeah and it's not uh to her it's just a part of her like we're more traumatized by it than she is um but she definitely has stuff about it like there there's, you know, loud sounds or beeping because she was brought up in hospitals. So that like any kind of sounds she gets, I mean, she's not like nuts with that, but she definitely has stuff. It's a lot. It really is a lot.

But looking at her, you would never know that she has open heart, you know, that, I mean, she has heart disease. She looks like a normal, beautiful six-year-old kid. I mean, as her mom, do you try to, do you hold it together when she's going in or do you just fucking lose it every time? You always do. You can't, you don't even, as your parent, you know, like I, you would. You're able to do it. Yeah. When she, when, there is nothing worse.

Tell me the moment rolling her down i have to tell you you know we have to get dressed head to toe in these outfits the two of us are covered with the whole thing the the whole costume your shoes everything you know and then this sounds horrible but you know you've talked about this i sure, all these kind of things on this podcast. But you have to roll your kid down, a baby, into an operating room. I've done it fucking 10 times because she's had so many procedures besides these open hearts and all this stuff. I've had to take her down for a lot of different things besides all those other things. And, you know, we have to hold a thing on her face to put her out with the doctor. So we go down with her into the operating room.

And we're standing over her while she's going under with this thing on her face. And she's screaming through it. Mommy! Oh. Yeah, it's, yeah. So I'm holding her legs and her feet and danielle's over her it's there's nothing i know have you gone to the atr atr right for that art yeah art right i remember yeah and has it worked has it helped it has it's there's nothing i would never not be able to hear that even if my kid was a mom with two kids yeah there's nothing where i mean it's it's nothing i would never not be able to hear that even if my kid was a mom with two kids

yeah there's nothing where i mean it's it's helped me in my life put perspective on everything you know people you get upset about something in this dumb business about not getting something or why did i'm like uh yeah there's nothing worse than that i I mean, do you know, I've spent months in hospitals. Like when she goes in for something, we've had to spend a month there, like in the beginning. Like you literally move in. Right, we move into a hotel a couple blocks away where we spend three weeks to a month there. And I've had to sit and watch people hear that their kid died. Like they take the parent away

when it's just havoc there and there's 700 things going on. So like when I hear, when I see, like I'm in a comedy show and there's been times when I've been so burnt out on the road and I see like someone looks so miserable at a comedy show you know when you're burnt out and you're doing fucking sick shows in a weekend or the how enraged i feel

when i see someone like look enraged in an audience or you know um i've seen you call people out yeah some of your videos it's hard for me sometimes. Or just when I'm around someone who keeps complaining about dumb shit, you know, in personal life or something. I'm like, why don't you go to, in my head, I'm like, why don't you go to a children's hospital and sit in the lobby and then keep complaining about this stupid fucking thing you keep complaining about? Yeah. You know. I went and gave blood. My friend Steve Simone, he's a great comedian. Yeah, I know Steve.

You know Steve, he had set a whole thing up here at LA Children's, so we would go down and give blood. As a matter of fact, giving blood to those kids ended up saving my life. It was fucking crazy. I donated blood, and then very shortly after that, I got kidney stones, and then had to get all this blood work done to find out that I have this blood disease that's from my father who had died already. And I'm prone to clotting and it's called factor five and all this shit that I never would have even known. That's incredible. All that. And I was sitting in there watching these parents lose their children. And Steve and I were able to – I'm really proud of this, actually. He called me up and he said, do you know anyone that knows a way to get to Steph Curry?

And I said, yeah. Actually, I know a guy who is – Damon Bruce is his name. He is the Bay Area sports guy does the sports right i've gone to promote some stand-up shows when i was in san francisco on his network so i hit him up like hey i know you do the vo or the voice for the warriors but is there any chance you could just even get this message about this mom and it was her boy was gonna die and he was a huge steph curry fan she's like we would take a pair of socks. Like, this boy before he goes would love it.

So Damon's like, I can't promise anything, but what I can promise is I can get this to the person that needs to get this. And I was like, that's the best thing we can answer. Not only did they get it to him, the game was in L.A. He came to L.A. He dedicated the game to the boy. He met his family before, and him gave him tons of

shit goes out at that point in the season he scored over 50 points in the game they sat him in the fourth quarter because he was killing it had his best game that far and then after the game met with the family again gave him game warm stuff worn stuff and everything and then and then the boy passed shortly after that and his mom wrote this fucking letter that i just was i mean just about how fucking unfair it is and exactly what you're saying people want to say this and this but i'll tell you it's not yeah it's not okay things today are not okay and this is why i'm feeling and man i was just yeah losing people want you to say you know it's okay and and they answer their own questions like you know she'll be okay and you know or they'll be like yeah my my

my cousin had a hole in his heart and he's fine i'm like no it's not a hole and i i know you're saying that to make yourself feel better but this is not just a simple hole in the heart this is not just this this is a major problem and it's you know she'll be okay but it's major this is not yeah so you've got at least seven eight more years of whatever is going to happen now before her heart is grown and then it might it might she might have issues when she's 20 she might have i don't know like we don't know that this is a we don't know. Like, we don't know that this is a, we don't know. But we know that she's in the best possible hands. We're very lucky because we're in New York City at Columbia Presbyterian. And that, Columbia Presbyterian has a cardiac children's unit, which is unheard of.

Like, it's the best place she can be with the best doctor i remember seeing a photo years ago in time magazine of open heart surgery on a baby it was literally it's in it looked like doll parts it's crazy isn't it yes it's insane these big human hands are in there doing all this stuff to that little tiny heart it's unbelievable well i'll never forget it was a nine hour operation and he came out of the operating i mean out of the elevator and he had two thumbs up and we were like oh what did that feel it was i it's unbelievable it's unbelievable she's a little soldier i know it's really it's hard to not get into like, why me? Why us?

And it's like, why not? Yeah. I'm telling you, Ryan, the stuff I've seen at children's hospitals, when you look around, when I've, the things I've seen, I'm like, I am so grateful. Like I have seen the worst situations that I'm lucky. I'm lucky. Like, it's bad. I don't remember the saying. It's bad. It's bad. Yeah. Stuff is bad. Some of these parents, the stuff they have to deal with, this is not the worst situation. Stuff that parents are stuck with, the rest of it, it's bad. I fuck up the

saying all the time, but it's something like they say, if everyone stood around and threw their problems in the middle of a circle, you would take yours back. Right. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. I'm just going to keep my shit over here. Yeah, yeah.

I'm okay with my stuff. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, first of all, thank you for coming on and being so open and honest. I know this is not easy to talk about. Yeah. It's your baby. Well, it'll help people not feel alone.

So that's good. So thank you for doing that. We got to get you out of here because you got another place to get to. But before you do, advice you would give to your 16-year-old self after what we've talked about today, what would you say? I would probably say uh fight your fears um stop eating so many carbs i love me some bread and some sandwiches i love a motherfucking sandwich you're so cute um no uh you know just don't care so much what other people think and keep the focus on you and uh always be silly

get out of your head like that get out of your head don't talk to yourself so much because most of the time it's going to be negative. Be present. And you only live once. Just live life fully. Yeah. That's great. Be free. Yep. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Plug and promote everything again, please jessicacurson.com for upcoming dates tiktok jessicacurson instagram jessicurson and uh i have a podcast disgusting hawk forgot to say that in the beginning but you can find it on youtube at uh jessicacurson comedy and uh that's really it thank you so much you're great thank you thank you for coming on here go see jessica on tour uh and as always ryan sickler all social media ryan sickler.com we'll talk to you all next week Thank you.