The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jessimae Peluso - HoneyPeluso

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Jessimae Peluso! (Netflix, Girl Code, Sharp Tongue Podcast) Jessimae Highlights the Lowlights of her mother's death two years after losing her father. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Coors Light -Get Coors Light delivered straight to your door with Drizly or Instacart by going to https://www.CoorsLight.com/HONEYDEW  Everlywell -Get 20% off an at-home lab test at https://www.Everlywell.com/HONEYDEW  Manscaped -Get 20% off and free shipping with the code HONEYDEW at https://www.Manscaped.com 

Brea, California, thank you for another great show. You guys are the best. La Jolla, California. I'll be at the La Jolla Comedy Store August 5th through the 7th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'll be there August 18th through the 20th. Austin, Texas. I will be there September 2nd through the 3rd.

Get your tickets for those shows and all shows on my website at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pass Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Please hit that subscribe on the YouTube. That's the one thing I want to ask you.

If you're watching, and I know you are, and thank you for that, hit subscribe. All right? You can get a little notify, a little reminder, and you'll get that due right there every week for you. If you have to have more honeydew, then please subscribe to the Patreon. It's called the Honeydew with Y'all, and I'm highlighting the lowlights with y'all, and y'all got the wildest fucking stories around there. We've been at it now for over two years, and it's one of my favorite things to do. I love my job, and if you do have the money to sign up for a year, then you'll get over a month free.

You can save yourself a little bit of bucks that way. All right. And you also get the Honeydew a day early ad free at no additional cost. Again, five bucks. And if you or someone you know has this story that has to be heard, please submit it to HoneydewPodcast at gmail.com. Hopefully we get to do an episode together. All right.

The Night Pants Nation tour continues. Thank you guys for your support. All right. The Night Pants Nation tour continues. Thank you guys for your support. August dates. I'm at La Jolla Comedy Store, August 5th through the 7th. Philadelphia. I'll be there August 18th through the 20th. And Austin, I will be there Labor Day weekend, September 2nd through the 3rd. Get your tickets for those shows and all shows on my website at ryansickler.com. Now, you guys know what we do over here we highlight the low lights i always say these are the stories behind the storytellers i'm very excited to have this guest back on the do y'all please welcome back jesse

bay peluso welcome back to the honeydew hi i love you're already laughing and i love it i don't know why but my brain when you said do for the first time, I thought of moisture. And not like the melon that's surrounding your head. Yeah. I thought of actual dew. Like morning dew? Yeah, like morning dew. When's the last time you went barefoot in the morning dew?

God damn it, I'm going to do it now. I do it every morning almost. Do you really? Yeah. Where do you walk barefoot in morning dew in LA? In my yard. You have dew? I have dew. Is it chilly enough You have dew? I have dew.

Is it chilly enough to get dew? I get it flown in. That's out of Alabama. Hold on a second. I got a dew farm down in Alabama. Let me get my dew guy. You honeydew? No, no, no.

Just dew. Morning dew. He just comes over. It's like Salt Bay, but it's morning dew. He just dips down and sprays it. Look, I got that dew. I don't know what's in it. It's like Salt Bae, but it's morning dew. He just dips down and sprays it. Look, I got that dew. I don't know what's in it. It's my dew drop.

A lot of chemicals, but I have morning, yeah, I put my feet in it. It's great to have you here again. Thank you. Before we begin, please plug, promote everything you'd like. I have a fall tour with Carly Aquilino promoting our podcast Girl, G-Y-R-L, on Patreon. And that's going to be all on the East Coast. You can check out the podcast. You can join it.

It's Patreon exclusive. And Sharp Tongue Podcast is my podcast. It's a great podcast. I talk a lot of shit and have a lot of doctors on to break down the brain and divulge a lot of my personal life there. And I think that's about it. I have a show coming out on Netflix, but can't say anything yet. Another one. Yeah. Another one.

Good for you. Yeah, I'm excited. All right. Now, you've come on and tackled some topics. Our first episode, we talked about rape. Yeah, we went right in. We went right in. We went right in with rape.

We're like, how do we, what's a lukewarm topic? Do you want to tiptoe into this? Yeah, let's tiptoe. Nah, let's gonzo butt sex this thing i was like okay let's fist toe wasn't tiptoe okay you did your dad's alzheimer's in passing yeah and now i want to talk to you about your mom because you lost your mom as well i did now how close uh did you lose both parents? My dad passed away in 2018, and then my mother passed away in 2020.

So pretty close. Too tight. A year and a half. Too close. Yeah, that's a lot. You know, I recommend spacing your grieving out just for your skin's ability to shine. Because you're going to be dull. You're going to be dull for a while you're not your outfits aren't gonna look right you're not gonna be making sentences that make

sense you're gonna be exhausted so you might want to space that shit out just so that you can start to look like a normal human being in between but then again there's something to say for when it rains it pours and being able to sort of get through everything at once so is was your mom's passing sudden like were you mourning still your father while your mom was slowly um i don't know what i know because there's not nobody really knows what happened with my mom um hers was sudden and i'm still mourning my dad of course and so but it was still very but that's what i'm saying it was fresh so it's not like you're mourning your dad and your mom's passing from cancer and you're watching her wither away you're still mourning and then you wake up and

all of a sudden like tell me about the day yeah i mean this bitch was my morning partner i was like okay well who am i gonna mour with now? That's so rude and selfish. There's only one set of footprints in the morning dew. Fucking Jesus. I was carrying you, bitch. I was carrying you, bitch. Somebody make a morning dew footprint. Instead of the sand, it's the morning dew footprint.

Through the grass. Where were you when I needed you most you were on my shoulders bitch bitch I was dying I was creating a new those are size 10s in the sand you don't wear a 10 bitch mom had big feet tell me what happened you're mourning your father obviously

it's sudden so do you get a call are you there I'm still mourning my dad i had just gotten a job with netflix uh covid you know very very covid tight bubble shoot with netflix during 2020 and this is my first job with net well one of my first major jobs with netflix and so i was very excited and feeling like okay this is be, this is a highlight in the darkness that I've been enduring since the dawn of time. Just the highs and lows of my own life, but specifically off the heels of my father's illness and him being sick and dying. This was like a bright spot.

And it was also my birthday week. I'm sorry. You always got to act. You always. It's like, that's a great sandwich. I got some pepper bacon to throw on that bitch. Like, ah. You always throw.

You're like a 12-layer dip over here. It can't just be the middle of a fucking week when nothing's going on for you. It can't just be the middle of a fucking week when nothing's going on for you. It can't. It just can't. I'm sorry. It just can't be a regular old Wednesday or some shit for you.

It's gotta be some shit you'll remember forever. Trying to ruin everything. We're never going to get through this. That's terrible. I'm sorry. Okay, wait. I'll shut up. I'll shut up. We're never going to get through it. An hour is not enough. We have an hour. Okay. Go ahead.

So I was like two days into filming. Like my dream job. and I get the worst call. Who calls you? Two days into filming my dream job and I get the worst call of my life like seriously um it was like i want to say the september 17th the day after my birthday and my sister calls and she says that the doctor she said i met mom went to the hospital and the doctor's asking for a dnr that's the call you get yeah like just out of the blue and i'm like bitch i don't know what that acronym means i don't know if it's a new rap group but i don't like the sound of it it sounds really bad I mean I knew what it was but

um it was just so confusing I was so confused and my mother was unresponsive and she was found that way no so what had happened was an amalgamation of traumatic things to her body throughout the years. First of all, she was a heavy smoker for a chunk of her life and through my pregnancy. Hello. Thank you, comedy. Really? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And we say heavy. Do you know like several packs a day? At least a pack a day for a while for a good chunk of her life. And there was emphysema issues throughout the years. And she did have this sort of audible wheeze to her breathing. Like you could hear her breathing and it sounded not normal. Like my laugh.

Yeah. Is Ryan Sickler here? What the fuck is he doing here on thanksgiving exactly it sounded like your laugh um and over the years she just breaks down you know the thing about our bodies and illnesses is so often the breakdown is silent there aren't a lot of symptoms we chop the symptoms up to something else and we make excuses for them instead of really like digging in deep and seeing what where the bread crumb crumbs led to and i think that that was definitely a case with her so she had the emphysema that was an issue and this breathing she had a um what do you call those uh respir those like little pumps that you

use for people with asthma yeah you know she used that for years inhaler inhaler and her it's so people get so used to the way things are done and the way that life is being lived that we really don't pay attention to the signs. We just adapt. We're creatures of habit. We're creatures of habit. And sometimes we don't ask enough questions because the questions disrupt our comfort. And I think that with my mom, there were so many things that we're telling. And also, she's a grown ass woman woman we can't tell her how to live her life so there's a lot going on there's a lot at stake and there's a lot that you're battling to try to

get through this shit but her her pills in the morning this shit looked like it looked like a candy jar like there were so many different pills that she had to go through each one yeah it was like damn like are you dealing what's the deal what is going on she had to go through each one. Yeah, it was like, are you dealing? What's going on? She had a kaleidoscope of colors of pills and half were pharmaceutical, half were things that she was taking for like your primrose oil and your- Fish oil.

Fish oil and all of that stuff, your magnesium. But there was just a cornucopia of pills that she was taking daily that we just accepted. We accepted the emphysema. We accepted the pills because that's what you're going to do. So many people deal with that with their parents and their loved ones. They just live the way they live. And they're like, eh, I don't want to hear it. When you try to offer up an alternative, eh, I don't want to fucking hear it.

So it was years of that. And then death's like, Jessamyn, move aside. Yeah. And then the Grim Reaper's like, hey. You ready to listen? You're like, oh, I think I'm ready to hear it. So it was years of that. And then death's like, Jessamyn, move aside. Yeah. And then the Grim Reaper's like, hey. You're like, oh, I think I'm ready to hear what you like.

Yeah. Grim Reaper's like, hey, yeah. Remember that, that Ryan Sickler wheeze I gave your mom for 10 years? You never looked into? The one you never looked into?

Could have. You could have looked into it. I'm the IRS for your soul. So what ended up happening on that night was my mother had her stomach flipped. What's that mean? I've never heard that before. It's a very rare thing. It like literally turned over inside you?

It actually flips. Holy shit, that's right. And that can be due to a lot of different things. It can be due to a lot of different things. Stress is one thing that can be due to a lot of different things. It can be due to a lot of different things. Stress is one thing that can cause that. But stress is such a huge cornerstone for a multitude of our problems. Yeah, for sure. It's the foundation of all of it.

And sometimes with the body, we've talked about this before, it sends off a Paul Revere of sorts to get you to focus on all the other shit that's breaking down. So whatever manifests sometimes isn't the main cause all the other shit that's breaking down so whatever manifests sometimes isn't the main cause of the issues it's just the alarm and so i think that that was one issue with her stomach was that was just an alarm for the rest of the systems that were shutting down her stomach flips and that's a 50 50 shot you have to get oh wow you have to go into the hospital that's a maybe you might make it maybe you won't your body's like oh you're not gonna listen well here i'm tossing in an audible turn your stomach back literally fucking is that is did she say it was painful oh yeah that's what she had to go in because the pain was so excruciating it's it's unbearable i mean your

core is everything if you don't have a strong, you have so many issues in your body from a structural standpoint. But if your gut is off, think about when your gut is just a little off. It fucks up everything. Everything. And so it makes you, it debilitates you. She went to the hospital and they had to do surgery. If that happens, you have to get surgery. It's like immediate.

They're taking you right in. Yeah. It's life or death. So while she was in the ER being prepped and waiting for surgery, my stepfather was with her at the time. She has, she passes out. She loses consciousness and has like a heart attack. Whoa. And so. Now you got a stomach backwards like a heart attack. Whoa. And so.

Now you got a stomach backwards and a heart attack going on in you. Yeah. And it's also like, did you just drug yourself for the operation? Was she like, oh, y'all taking me under? Don't worry. All the pills this morning. Yeah. I got you.

She. Yeah. She passed out. She lost consciousness and we found out that there were heart issues she had a lot of heart issues that she may not have gone or that would not have gone to get checked at all if the stomach thing doesn't happen exactly the stomach was the alarm to the heart yeah and the heart revealed are the british and they're coming yeah they're fucking coming and we're claiming this land um her heart had issues uh and so that so that put her unconscious and put her into a coma man yes and how old is she at this time 72 okay and so that's where the doctor comes in and

says well we've got this life or death surgery we need to do. But she also just coma'd herself. So what are we doing here? Like, is this. Can they not do the surgery while she's in a coma? Well, she would need, she would have had to been under, she would have had to been put under for that surgery. So it's almost like what happened was inevitable in a sense, but also kind of useful to the scenario. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't.

Maybe not useful because she died, but. Pretty not useful. It's as useless as it can go. What's the worst case scenario? Yeah, because that's what happened. Okay, so it's not useful at all. I don't understand what useful means. What were you going to ask?

I was going to ask that if a person, I imagine, maybe I'm wrong, but if a person's in a coma and they still need to operate, that person, even if they can't yell out, I'm guessing they can probably still feel that. You know, there's been those cases. And they internally struggle with, like, I can't yell out. And then they're being just open. And you're like, Jesus Christ, I feel everything you're doing. You should have a sub podcast called New Nightmare Fuel with Ryan Sickler. Fuck that. I'll never sleep.

I'll never. I enjoy what I do. I don't need to hear shit like that. Yeah. that i'll never sleep i'll never i enjoy what i do i don't need to hear shit like that yeah it um the doctor just was like do we need a dnr or not like what do you want to do here and my sister was like i don't know what to do and you know my sister at this point she had already been the spearhead dealing with all my father's medical decisions and just getting over that and you know being a mother and in a probably still getting mail from it and shit yeah oh yeah having to you know go through this again for her to be you know the

power of attorney and the the medical proxy it's a lot that's a lot that she had to endure but so my sister gives me this call and says basically we need to do we pull the plug on mom or not and i'm like what without even trying the surgery exactly like but only because we didn't we were so confused it was it caught us off guard we didn't know what was going on imagine like your mom's healthy one moment in the next moment the hospital's calling you like do we need a dnr and your mother like what are we going to do here? How about you flip her stomach and clean out her heart? Can we start there? You're such a guy.

How about we flip out her stomach? We're practical. Why don't you just suck out the arteries? Turn the stomach over and suck out the arteries, man. Let's go. Y'all got the stomach cleaner machine? Y'all got the aorta pump? Kick her out my old change while we wait it's all detailed out in the hospital parking lot i'm gonna run that while y'all do that they should do they should have a heart cardiologist heart

surgeon next to a mechanic detail on the side i got a jiffy lube on right outside that would be fucking gang corroded jiffy lube set up your own office and have a fucking mechanic next door aorta auto oh great that's great keep your we keep your valves clean all your valves pumping at aorta happy that is smart doctors you can take that you guys can have that just give us a little bit okay so mom is not in a good way not responsive and my sister's like we don't you know they're gonna do the surgery because she's under they and they also had put her under as well assisted with what had happened with her um and then my sister's like we got double fucking uh anesthesia going on yeah it's like yeah it's a triple because there's a coma too her shit

the medical shit and the coma yeah she's way to fuck she's just like exploding like what's everybody complaining about hovering over herself looking down like oh it's the best shit ever right here um and and they do the surgery? Well, the surgery revealed all the issues that were underlying. And for the entirety of her hospital visit, which was 86 days, I think. Jeez. She was in the emergency and then the ICU for like 86 days. It was a roller coaster. It was them just plugging holes in her system.

Was it, is she in a coma the whole time? No, she was not. So you're able to talk to her, see her? Yeah, like the next day I tell the production what's going on. And I was like, I know we just started filming, but this is what I'm facing. And, you know, they were like, you do what you need to do. This is so much more important.

Not that before quarantine and COVID that studios were cold, but it's just a different world now where people understand that the human aspect of everything is taking precedent without question. So luckily, even though I felt bad because I wanted to be there to do my job, I also was like, I can't go through this again. Like, how is this fucking happening again so soon? I fly home. And I remember just seeing her in the ER. And what she said to me has stuck with me because it's true. Even through the hardest shit that you go through.

What she said to me was, because I hugged her like a baby. And I'm bigger than her. She's a little thing. She's a little thing. She's so tiny. She's like, you know, she was. I don't know what she is now. I don't know what a ghost weighs. That's a great question.

What are they changed? Because a cloud probably weighs something, right? It has vapor. We could just ball it up and set it on a scale. What do you weigh? Isn't a ghost just a human vapor? It's got to have some kind of way you're not it's a human cloud if you feel it yeah yeah if it enters you i'll tell you i got

surrounded by a cloud once and i felt it i feel fog yeah around me yeah have you been entered by a ghost you feel that girth um i hugged her like a baby I went down and she had all these wires and she was connected by every which way and had an oxygen mask and all of that

and I just put my head to her chest and she said she said it's okay baby girl she said I love you and everything's going to be okay. We're always going to be okay. And she's right. Even when you're going through the hardest shit, it's hard to think that way, but it always ends up that way. If you allow it to.

And I stayed with her for a few days and that ended up being the only time during her, at least my experience of going back and forth. That was the only time during her entirety in that visit. You don't really visit the ER. I mean, if you visit the the er you're a lucky motherfucker yeah this ain't sandals sandals not the mall the maldives the icu you visit the icu no motherfucker i was institutionalized by the devil himself no she it was the most lucid she was in that moment when I got there with her. And from that point on, it was just a deterioration. It was just plugging holes because her lungs, half of her lungs were destroyed from smoking and emphysema.

She only had like, I think, less than half of one of her lungs that were healthy. Oh, wow. She's breathing off and running off of a well it's a quarter of your lungs yeah right jesus and that's the other thing like you're that hurts my chest literally it's amazing when i was talking about before what people put up with and what we get so used to when it comes to your own bodies what we deem is normal unless we're really woke to our own system and to our own being may be a very unhealthy system that we are and have normalized you know we always talk about the outside world and how we're normalizing this in society the problem with that is most people haven't figured out what the barometric pressure is within themselves. We've got so much that's traumatizing our internal systems that we're not even fucking paying attention to. And that was what was going on

with my mom. She just had so many things breaking down that the stomach flip was just the fucking last attempt of her body to be like, we got to fix this. And that's what they tried to do. They tried to fix her. It was like Humpty Dumpty. So just procedure after procedure the whole time she's in there. Procedure after fucking procedure.

And it was like almost those few months were almost the same experience we had with our father. As far as us just being like, do whatever needs to, fix whatever needs to be fixed. In the sense that the end game was always going to be the same. Because with Alzheimer's, there's no cure right now. And with her, she was so, her systems were so shunted by everything that there was there was no way out we didn't know but there was there was no way she was going to come around my sister tried to tell me and i'm such like i call myself an eternal optimist

i've been that way since i was a little girl. And it could be not a defense mechanism, but a coping mechanism. But it's gotten me through everything. And not to say it's not important. It is important to acknowledge the other side, the Jekyll and Hyde emotions. You have to acknowledge all of them. They all need stage time in order for you to heal but perseverance and ambition takes a lot and you have to have your own fuel to get you through that shit and so I was just fucking so optimistic her lung was like, we can do it. Her lung was like, listen, bitch, let me go. Come on, man. Her stomach turned over. You're over there like, I got Krispy Kreme.

I'm like, just get her out of here. I brought Krispy Kreme. I'm like, just get her out of here. I brought Krispy Kreme to the hospital. You know what? I brought donuts to the hospital. It was glazed and confused by Syracuse. Shout out. Shout out to glazed and confused donuts. Of course you did. That's what I'm saying. That's who you are in life you put that kind of shit

you put that kind of shit into it i know who you are oh my god but i would agree i would agree it's a coping mechanism you know wanting everything as long as things are as long as it's good and I'm telling myself it's good, it's good. Yeah, exactly. It's about to be bad, alright? And when they tell me, then when we can deal with it. But right now, who wants some glazed donuts, y'all?

That's when I came in here with some donuts, man. I'm with you on that. My mom's in her fourth coma. Everything's fine until an eight. I'm eating out jelly-filled donuts. Yeah. My mom's lungs are filled with more jelly than the donuts. It's okay. That one good lung's got a cigarette over there.

Just chill. That one little piece. He's just like, man. Man, I'm glad I didn't stick around. She brought donuts, man. I love that you're... I love that you're... I love that you're... I love that your image of my mom's lung is some guy.

Yeah, yeah. It's just a whole guy. He's ardened by smoking all day. Just some war veteran. Yep. Pissed off and bitching about everything. Yep. He's Clint Eastwood from...

He's Clint Eastwood from Grant Dorino. Get off my lawn. That's my mom's lawn. Clint Eastwood. This summer, Coors Light is the official beer of everything unofficial. Celebrating those moments that truly make summer chill.

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had to go back and i had to go back and forth so were you date were you seeing her daily no because i had to go back i went back to set okay because it was a closed set so we did a and where was uh netflix what state you said you had to fly california all right so it's out i had to go back to new york damn so you got a long flight. Yes. And you're going to upstate. Yes. Because I heard you say Syracuse. Yeah, Syracuse.

And that's not easy to get to. You know, you need a horse and carriage from the airport. It's not like there's a direct situation. So I went and visited her once during the filming. We had a tight filming schedule. And then I went home right after and tried to be there however I could, but I also had to go back and forth from L.A. to Syracuse again, and I did that I think three or four times.

The problem was I had planned to drive home for the holidays because this was in September. So I just ended up driving sooner so i went back and forth a couple times and then my sister gave me a call once and she was just beside herself rightfully so because this is a second parent that she's having to spearhead a medical a very complicated medical procedure you know and medical things that are being done to her my sister had to like handle so she's lost her shit and she's just like i need you to get i need you to fucking come home you've got to get here and that i flew back for that we had to make decisions like well you know we had to make decisions about if she should have a procedure done. Because is it even worth it?

There's so much damage to her. Do we even do this procedure? And in my mind, you know, I was talking about being like the eternal optimist. My sister's being the realist. Like, do we want to put her through this again? And in my mind, I'm like, yeah. I want to put her through this again and in my mind i'm like yeah i want to fucking do whatever it takes but there's some selfishness of course yes there's some real selfishness to that and you have to really like as a human being ask yourself where that line is

and where you stand on either side of that who's it for that's i look at it like listen i'm with you i i'm like frankenstein this motherfucker but but also what you guys got a power cord anybody got a fucking extension cord get my stomach flipper we're going in look a little spatula a big ass like pancake spatula. I think the real barometer is quality of life for the individual. We're all we all love and want to save with everything we can. But also, is that person just going to be laying there, you know, dead? Yeah. Machine alive by a machine only then what what the fuck is that what kind of life is that for that person yes yeah i know you know and then you're also having to

be at the mercy of doctors and i think doctors and nurses specifically i just applaud them nurses specifically what they do and how hard they work and the multitude of jobs and tasks. And the shit they put up with. Literal shit. They see people at their worst, the sickest, they're most in pain. Yes. Yeah, they're desperate. Long hours away from their family.

I really applaud them and I saw them in a different light through both of my parents. Agreed. Fully agreed. But on the other side of that, when it comes to doctors, I also think there's this sort of oblivion and maybe laziness we have where we just go, okay, and we just accept what's told to us. I never do. That's probably why I became a comedian. I don't accept it.

I don't accept what you're telling me. I'm always going to question you. As you should. I mean, in life, you should do me. I'm always going to question you. As you should. I mean, in life, you should do that. It's just how I am. And so there was a real, sometimes we're butting heads because of that, where I'm like, no, I'm not accepting. I want more. I want something different.

I want a different outcome. I was like, I was really battling and not, I was in complete denial, really, just of what the reality was before me because I wasn't ready. Not that you're ever fucking ready for that shit, but fuck, I was like, yo, can I get a break, bro? I got fucking, my dad dying, quarantine hits, you and Justin Martindale are fucking hanging out with Brad Pitt.

This shit is ridiculous. Giannis is best friends with Stamos. When am I going to get a break and a friend? It's coming. It's coming. Brad Pitt's going to be coming soon. I feel it for you. Fuck you, okay?

You've been working it, though. You've been putting it out there in the universe you're the first one to hit me like fuck you you motherfucker I was like did you do this on purpose did you do this to me on purpose

okay so you're not ready of course you're not no you're never ready for that shit but are you there when your mom passes oh no and was it in the hospital did she ever get out of the hospital?

No, she never got out. And the thing that sucked was because of quarantine and COVID, only one person could go. And there's so many reasons to allow yourself to get furious over the past. But you got to fucking let all those out. You can't even let them in the house. You can't let those reasons to make you furious about the past in the fucking house because they won't leave. And they'll kick their shoes off and they'll put their dirty ass feet on your coffee table and ask for food and they'll never fucking leave. So I have had moments where I've had to really check

myself over that mentality of just looking backwards and being like, well, we could have done this. We could have done that. We could have done that. And you know what the answer always is, I think, when we look back in the past that we wish we could have changed? Time. How we spent it, who we spent it with, and wanting more of it. I mean, in hindsight, I say all the time, I was 16 when my father died, but boy, would I go back.

I would do anything to go back when he said, hey, you want to run up to Target real quick with me? And I'd be like playing my video games like, nah. Yep. And now I'd be like, fuck yeah. Yep. You know what I mean? Of course.

But also you can kill yourself doing that shit. You can kill yourself checking all those. You don't live life doing that. No. If you lived life worrying about that, it would happen way and then you'd be like i should have done all this you know yeah it happens the way it's supposed to happen in the way you're doing it you're doing what you're supposed to be doing yeah it to even get there i mean jesus across this country flying especially during a pandemic a flying now sucks a fly now is terrible and i

don't think during this the way the culture is now flying it's so crazy it would have been so much harder then i'm so fortunate that it was during a quarantine even though it had its own restrictions because we could only go one at a time which was so fucking infuriating so when's the last time you saw your mom? How long before she passed? I visited probably that last time in November. I think I was there in early November. She passed when? December? She passed Friday the 13th.

No. you come in the hospital wearing a jason mask hey guys i got donuts like who is this fucking lunatic it's friday 13th yeah we got some pretty bad news terrible Friday the 13th is definitely unlucky for you there's no doubt about it I tell you you're a 20 layer dip I swear it just keeps coming

it just can't be it couldn't have been just a fucking Sunday Saturday the 14th which is still a thing. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Two weeks before her birthday.

No. No. Oh, no. Oh, the hits just keep on coming, don't they? Oh, nah. Oh, God. just keep on coming, don't they? Oh, nah. Oh, God. Fuck. Yeah.

That's hard. And it was a choice that we had to make. It wasn't like she died. Yeah, you actually had to sign papers. It was a medically induced situation where, or reduced, you should say, because she was basically on support at that point. And I was planning on coming home, but the time it would take for me to come home to get there was too long and also even just to fly. I was like, can we just keep her with us until I get home that's that's what I wanted and you know back to the conversation

about selfishness is that was the decision that was like the hardest decision because she had turned so bad in a few hours we got another call being like this is we have to make a decision on what we're going to do with end of life now because there's no more we can do for her and you're in california and i'm in california um and you're getting calls from And I was like, just let me get there. You know? And the argument was we could do that. We could stave off doing what we're going to do to pull her off of things and ease her into death. Or we can do it now now the problem with waiting is she could still go in the night

and then she's going to be alone or we can kind of control it now and have whoever we can have be with her be with her and and also 24 more hours on support's gonna be 957 000 i love you this is our saving this is how we save you some money look we're gonna give you a two for one do you have anybody else who's dying because if you want to bring them in we could extend the medication this nurse right here has two hands okay so you get the call that your sister's gonna go my sister my stepdad and my brother-in-law so they did let more for this they did they do yeah that was the special the covet specials if someone's dying people can come see it like it's a fucking shamu show

they're like oh yeah no no one needs anybody around when they're fucking living but let's bring a a whole auditorium of people for the death i get it but i i was furious it doesn't matter if you get covet in this wing no you know what i'm saying covid's the least of your worries in this wing over here where we got everybody fuck so i mean not to be funny for real do you facetime do anything okay do they offer it yeah because it's covid time and that was big at the time i facetime my mom a lot during this process okay good um even when she wasn't necessarily coherent, I still would call.

And the nurses were amazing. And the nurses who have all these jobs to do were also FaceTiming family members, which takes a lot because they need their hands to do all the jobs that they do. Their jobs are so fucking complicated. But my sister FaceTimes me.

Now, I'm on an iPad. I'm not like on a phone And it's The mechanics of it are a little complicated Because you're inducing morphine And there's a time period So there's a little There's some mechanics to consider

And also an iPad And I'm an iPad To them I'm an iPad I'm sure more But you know my sister sister is holding the phone so I can talk to my mom. My mom is out of it. She's kind of doing the death gargle situation where death is just kind of waiting in the parking lot at that point. king lot at that point and at one point my sister goes you know she's holding the ipad me and she goes to her husband here take this about the ipad i'm like bitch i'm not a this i realize you're there and there's a lot to juggle but i can't be there i'm a fucking ipad that's out the parking lot revenue that the engine. That cigarette's like,

just one more drink, motherfucker. Hang on, I'm coming. Just one more, Death. Hold on. Come on, man. We got three more to pick up. Death is like Fast and Furious 12 in the parking lot.

That's what I see in my mind, too. Old fucking Dodge, yeah. It's what's his name. That's what I see in my mind to an old fucking Dodge. It's what's his name? It's Paul Walker driving. Come on, man. I'm taking this one down to the butt, man. Hold on. You're so sweet. You're the best to be able to joke about this

i was just thinking the same thing my face hurts um and so my sister like hands me to her husband and he like props me up and and then the ipad falls And I go, guys. I go, guys, I can't see. And then I realized how weird that statement was. Like, I can't see my mom's death. Like, even just having to consider that as a luxury. Could you imagine being a child and someone just comes up to you and says, you're going to watch your mom's death on something called an iPad.

You're like, what? What do you mean? You either – because before, you either were there or you missed that shit. You were there or you missed it. Yes, it is. There's no fucking in between. There was no in between. I would imagine that adds a level of a little psychological turmoil to a child's development because they're already blurring the lines of reality with the iPad as it is in their developmental mind. And so you throw this in, it almost, on one hand, takes away this confusing association and relationship with life and death.

But I felt that. I missed both of my parents' deaths. But we don't get to really experience our own births. Well, listen. I saw my father's and my grandmas. And if it's that much? It was too much. Okay, I would have rather missed them as well.

That's a good point. I would have rather got to call if I'm being honest. I'd have been like, dang. Eating popcorn? You guys prop me up on a pillow? One, I'm closing his eyes. I'm giving her fucking CPR mouth to mouth. You know what I mean?

That's right. I'm saying I would much rather fucking get the FaceTime. I'll get my tickets. Oh, my God. It's a different trauma. You know what I mean? It's a good point. It's a solid point.

Appreciate the perspective check. You're welcome. I'd rather be put the iPad down. i don't want to see shit i've been the other way somebody tip it over god damn it i'm like can someone turn on a light in the corner put a piece of tape on that god damn i can't see mom not breathing can someone turn on a light and did you watch your mom pass um yeah so you were essentially i was present that's a wild thing it's really weird that's a wild thing to comprehend watching your parent pass or being very strange on on uh a device it's crazy it's so it felt very futuristic and i was fortunate and grateful that I even had that.

What are some of the things you were able to talk to your mom about while you were in – she was in that hospital? We just – that's the thing about both my parents. My mom and I, while she was in the hospital, would just – while she was coherent, which was a very handful of times, small amount of times where she was actually able to have an actual back and forth conversation. Because she was always plugged up. And then after that procedure she had, she was intubated. She can't talk and she was so fucking uncomfortable. We always would just say we love each other.

We would hold hands and squeeze each other's hands. Did you play music or anything like that? We played some music. She loved Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks was one of her favorites. I'm a big Stevie Nicks. Oh, come on. The greatest. squeeze each other's hands she played music or anything we played some music um you know she loved Fleetwood Mac Stevie Nicks was like one of her favorites Stevie Nicks oh come on the greatest um and music was definitely like a a tool for communication and just being there you know with both of my parents there weren't many stones unturned. There weren't many regrets that I had with either of them where if, you know, I'd only said this or if I'd only said this, we said everything. We squeezed the life out of each other. And we always, always, always, always said I love you.

Didn't matter if you were going to Target or if you were getting on a flight. I love that. I believe in that. Absolutely. And to say it like you mean it. And both my mother and father. I love that. I believe in that. either of us wanted or needed. Obviously, me being the eternal optimist, I'm trying to crack jokes and bring light and levity to the situation. And I think she knew, you know, after she had that procedure where she was intubated afterwards, she just was trying to take it off. You know, I think she fought so much in her life as a woman and was, you know, a union rep and fought for people and did so much fighting that when it came to fighting for her own life, the willpower is the turning point, I think, for a lot of people and especially her.

Where you have a conversation with yourself, am I going to keep going or am I going to stop? Because I really do believe in your mindset, being able to overcome a lot of your body's dysfunction. I mean, there's a real reality and truth to that. And not everybody has a Dave Goggins in the last moments. Not everybody has the ability and a lot of people just don't want to anymore. And I think for her, she was done. You know, because what was going to, what her life was going to be, we're talking about quality of life beyond this, wasn't anything she'd want. She'd have to be intubated for so long. I mean, I know I wouldn't want to be like that. No.

No. Just so people can come over and say hi once a week. Yeah, take pictures with me and my machine. Right. And I'm making, you know, what are we we gonna start a band with me and my neck tube the intubators intubators at the main stage in coachella somebody'll mix that shit in though

i was able to, in my own way, say goodbye to both of my parents and for both of my parents to know that I was okay and loved and appreciated them. And a lot of people don't get that. And that's their biggest fucking regret you know um i think holding a grudge and having that sort of relationship with somebody in your life and your family where something happened and you're just not over it and you let that be the the thorn in between you two really comes to bite you in the ass in the end i think a grudge does nothing for anybody i think working through whatever the hardest part is is for you and not for them a lot of people can't do that there's a lot of terrible shit that happens that

this podcast is highlighted throughout the years we know a lot of low lights a lot of fucking low lights that aren't so easy to just turn a blind eye yeah no you're right sometimes it takes decades some people never do it yep some people want to and then don't get the chance to because life is so fucking fleeting like you said you get one day you get a call and it's like guess what yeah not everybody gets it i think about it a lot too especially as i get older now like there's some a lot of my friends now are dealing with elderly parents and what to do with them. You know, do I put them in a home because someone's losing their mind or they're losing their health or they're losing the ability to walk and be mobile? I never had to deal

with that. You know, I mean, look, I would have traded it all in, but again, that's selfish. Now, my father died very young, 42. My grandma was 69 but um i'm watching these people deal with these things and i think man that's brutal i also wouldn't want to watch no the superman no you know you think your parents are the fucking immortal when you're a kid like they're always going to be here and then one day they're not. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. And there's this untethered feeling when both your parents are gone. So let me ask you, what do you do? I know I, with these podcasts, we all do. We keep people alive, stories alive.

And that's what I've done. But there are other ways I keep my dad, my grandma, people like that alive in my life. What are you doing now? What sort of things do you do in your day-to-day or your home do you you know keep your parents alive and around you have some photos some keepsakes I have some photos and keepsakes and actually have both my parents taxidermied at the table what I'm just trying to say it as a joke but are you trying to tell me they're in an urn at your table though their bodies are taxidermied all right you are just there's a woman who did

who did that they found like her i it might be like a sam trippley news story but there's a woman who had her husband like taxidermied at the table and i just saw that image there yeah he's just there like get the fuck i did see uh i did see it was a hip-hop club or something in dc where these guys took their dead friend because that's what he wanted his last fucking thing was like take me to the club and they had his dead ass that propped up it's online standing up dead as shit and they're all dancing around them and having a good time ordering drinks and shit i think it it's a club in D.C. It's exactly what it is.

Hip-hop version. I think. You know. It's fucking crazy. I have rings that were my mom's. Yeah, they're pretty. Thank you. This one's your mom's.

Can I touch it? Yeah, both of them. And when she was alive, we would always joke that when she was dead, I would steal them off her fingers. And so I just laugh. Like when I look at them, I laugh and think about them while she was technically still alive. I ripped them right off of her in the hospital. I had a crack and knuckle, but you know, not even dead yet. Heart monitor goes off.

I don't know what happened. I walk out of the hospital like bling bling um i keep them alive by talking to them both i you know and you know i'm a spiritual person and i'm open to the idea of what existence is as we are now existentially and beyond. I'm not naive enough or assuredly enough to think I know what the fuck goes on beyond this physical life. I don't even know what goes on here. I don't know what goes on here. On a day-to-day basis, I question what this shit is.

And that's what keeps you such an interesting human being. Like, one thing I know for certain is I know nothing for certain. Nothing. Nothing. And that keeps me grounded. It also keeps you open to learning. Yes. You know, the ignorant idiot that thinks he knows everything knows nothing.

You know nothing. You can't learn anymore. If you knew everything, there'd be nothing left to learn. Exactly. There's an Erykah Badu lyric that I love. She says, the man that thinks he knows something knows he knows nothing at all. And that's how I've lived. And that's how I live, especially through grief.

It really keeps an open space for learning. It keeps an open space for you to, for whatever it is to be revealed to you. So you can react and experience it in a calmer place but i have conversations with them and i and i definitely have like a jewelry thing with my mom and i had a necklace from my dad actually that he gave me when i was 16 and i lost it when i was in greece this past month yeah like three days, I was filming something for Netflix, and the necklace was just gone. I've had it for 33 years. And it really taught me a lot about letting go.

It's so crazy. My daughter must have like seven or eight necklaces already, you know. And I told her because she's very precious about them. But I was too. Like we all are about our things. Just watch my dad. I told her. I've told her already, like, listen, it's not about the things.

It's the moments and the memories. I'm telling you, if for whatever reason you ever lose that necklace and I'm not around, don't fucking don't melt down over that like it's a necklace remember who got you the necklace i got you and you know things like the memories and the moments not that fucking thing because that thing it's gonna go you don't know you're out swimming in the waves boom there goes my motherfucking necklace what are you supposed to do nothing you ain't finding that shit in the ocean forget it it's over it's interesting like when interesting. Like when we talk about possessions, like you either possess them or they possess you. Yes. And when it comes to relationship to people, the possession is the moment.

What you're trying to possess is them. And the memories that you have. That's it. And they're already in you. Yeah. And I have to remind myself. That's not something that is just this ethereal idea. I have to physically and actually remind myself of that every day.

Well, look, I know we have to get you out of here. Yeah, because my dog ate glass yesterday. Your dog ate glass. On the next Honeydew. Episode four. Please, again, plug and promote everything you would like. Well, we unplugged my mom, so. Can't plug that.

Wow. Man. man oh man um sharp tongue podcast check out girl on patreon gyrl and also the deuce

on patreon with my friend mike tully and jessiemay.com for tickets for my fall shows and um look out for my netflix. And jessiemay.com for tickets for my fall shows. And look out for my Netflix. Yeah, at jessiemaypaluso on Instagram.

And your dad is in my DMs. All your dads are in our DMs. I'm not a homewrecker. Listen, thank you. I love you. Thank you. I love you too. I know it wasn't easy, but goddamn, you make it funny.

You help me make it funny. You make it so funny. You give us a safe space for all our darkness. Thank you. For real. As always ryan sickler and all social media ryan sickler.com we'll talk to y'all next week I'm out.