The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jessimae Peluso - JessieDew

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Jessimae Peluso! Jessimae returns to Highlight the Lowlights of her father’s battle with Alzheimer’s, his death, and her life since. It’s another powerful Dew! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: COORS PURE Coors Pure is the perfect beer to celebrate the wins of everyday life. So when you want to enjoy your beer without the guilt, reach for Coors Pure. It’s organic but chill about it. Go to COORSPURE.COM to see where you can find Coors Pure! Celebrate responsibly. Coors Brewing Company, Albany, Georgia. UPSTART Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. That’s UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. Don’t forget to use my URL to let them know I sent you! RAYCON Raycon is offering 15% of all their products for my listeners and here’s what you’ve gotta do to get it: go to BUYRAYCON.COM/HONEYDEW. There you’ll get 15% off your entire Raycon order, and it’s such a good deal you’ll want to grab a pair and a spare... That’s 15% off at BUYRAYCON.COM/HONEYDEW

Hey everybody, just want to let you know about some dates. Go to ryansickler.com for full dates. We're building out the tour right now, but I will be in Phoenix September 16th through the 18th at the House of Comedy. Tickets are on sale now. They're also live on my website ryansickler.com. All right, this episode of The Honeydew was brought to you by Upstart, Raycon, and Coors Pure. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler.

RyanSickler.com. Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all your social medias. Subscribe to the YouTube page. I got to tell you that we're coming up on 100,000 if we're not there yet. Like I said, I'm so grateful and thankful. In one year, we've hit 100,000 subscribers. And like I said, I don't know if that's good or not.

I don't really give a shit. That's what we're doing. I'm keeping my head down, focusing with you all, and we're going to hit those numbers. All right? I'm not looking left or right anymore. I'm looking straight ahead at y'all. All right? Speaking of y'all, if you love the honeydew and you've got to have more, subscribe to my Patreon, The Honeydew With Y'all.

It's only $5 a month. If you sign up for your year, you get over a month free. If you sign up for a year, you get over a month free. And we are now including video of the honeydew a day early, ad free at no additional cost for the rest of 2021. All right? So you get the entire back catalog plus honeydew a day early ad free, all for $5 a month. Again, if you sign up for a year, it's a month free.

All right? And that community continues to grow and just blow me away with the stories. It's – I love my motherfucking job, y'all. I love my motherfucking job. All right? You know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. Very excited about working with Outreach Through the Yards, helping these kids out, podcasting, teaching them some useful tools moving forward. All right. So when that's out, I'll be promoting it. But I wanted to just get the awareness out.

You know, I like to talk about it and help these kids are working with the Santa Monica Police Department. So we're going to get a lot of dialogue going and some interesting stuff is going to come out of that. Now, you know what we do here? We highlight the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. And Night Pants Nation, I am very excited to bring back here, second time on the do, y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Jesse May Peluso, everybody. Welcome back, y'all. Hey, doing it on the do.

You had such a great episode on the first one here. We went deep. By the way, cheers. First beer ever on the do. Yes. That's some on the do. Yes. That's some Coors Pure. Organic. You know times have changed

when a beer like Coors has gone organic. It's legit. And it's good. It is really good. 92 calories, no sugar. It does contain alcohol. It is delicious.

We're day drinking. Can we say that? Yeah, we can. Are we going to get canceled? No. No, we're going to get sponsored by Coors Pure. It is.

It's super delicious. I asked you. I'm like, I need a beer. You got a beer? Yeah. There they are. That's the kind of year it's been. Will you please, before we get into what we're going to talk about today, plug everything,

please? Yes. I am Jessime Peluso. That's it. That's all you're on at jessimaypaluso on IG jessimaypaluso YouTube is just youtube.com forward slash jessimaypaluso

Sharp Tongue Podcast I have a show coming out on Netflix I can't say the name but look out for it in June or July of this summer. Your show? Mm-hmm. Really?

All right. I was one of the very few people who actually got to work a little during the most tumultuous year. And also, I partnered with this amazing coffee alternative company called Mudwater, and it's what saved me through the years with just having anxiety and dealing with, as you know, how my life has been for the past three years has been fucking crazy. And I had to stop drinking coffee because it also made me spin out and have anxiety attacks. You really, you nailed it back to that and that really, and that helped stop it?

Once I stopped drinking coffee, I like could sleep at night a little bit. But Mudwater and I are working together. And so we're doing, I think it's like 15% off their entire purchase. Mudwater.com forward slash Jessie Mae. Use code Jessie Mae mud. Mud. What about that? What have they done?

Taken the ingredient out? Some of the marijuanas these days, they're taking the ingredient out that makes you panic. You sounded just like a dad. Some of the marijuanas these days? Yes, dad. Zaddy. I call you Zaddy. You're a total zaddy. I love that you do. It's my favorite.

Is that a marijuana cigarette? Kids better not be having any of those goddamn marijuana cigarettes. Are you on the jazz cabbage? God damn it, Joshua. I've never heard jazz cabbage ever. My friend you on the jazz cabbage? God damn it, Joshua. I've never heard jazz cabbage ever. My friend Chris calls it jazz cabbage and I can't not call it that.

That's a brand new one. I've heard all the devil's lettuce and all that shit, but I've never heard jazz cabbage. It's the greatest. No, it's not. It's a coffee alternative, but they have mushrooms in it,

but not the kind that I add to it, like the fun kind. No, not the kind you add. It's like, you know, healthy adaptogens like reishi, chaga, ashwagandha. And then I put the fun mushrooms. I don't even know what the fuck. I don't even know what the fuck that is. By the way, Ryan and I, just to be clear, have been talking for three hours already. And then he's like, we should probably start recording.

No, I just love you because we had this moment right when you got out of the car. I haven't seen you since we recorded here last. And you parked out in front of the studio. And I have to say, I'm feeling really cute today. I shaved. You always look shaved. The thing that you said, what is it? Vaxxed and waxed.

And ready to party. I'm vaxxed and waxed. And ready to party. I'm vaxxed and waxed and ready to party. I'm walking over across the street. And there's this old lady behind you. Old. I saw her. I was like, good for you. And she was banged up, yeah, and she was walking up the street.

And I just saw you coming out of the car, and you looked cute and everything. And I said, what's up, girl? And you were like, hey. I was like, hey, Zeddy. How you doing? It's not free if you're asking. You gotta pay for all this. You were like, I know. I was like, sorry, I was talking to her behind you.

What's up, Jessie? Like I see you every 10 minutes. And then you told me to not step in dog poop. You look back, that old lady was looking at us like she was my girl. She really did think I yelled at her. My favorite, though, is when how you went. What's up, Jessie Mae? Like you were bothered by my presence.

Oh, you're here. Great. I guess we got another coffee mug we got to give away. Do I get to keep this one? Yeah, everybody keeps a coffee mug. Now I have a pair Do I get to keep this one? Yeah. Now I have a pair. Now you're in my house. I love it.

In my heart. I love it. You are for sure. Thank you. Look, we had such a great episode last time and did not get to talk about. I mean, obviously, there's so much more to talk about. But I do want to talk about your dad this time. Can we talk about your dad?

We can totally talk about my dad. And I know you're at a point where you're comfortable at least talking about it. But also you're so involved in the cause and things like – I want you to educate not only me but some of us about what goes on. Yeah, for sure. My – Alzheimer's is a brutal disease. My dad actually, we think, it's a hard disease to diagnose because it's in that sort of wheelhouse of Parkinson's and any sort of neurodegenerative disease that sometimes shows up as one thing and it's actually something else. So not to put you on the spot, or I just want to know,

maybe you do, maybe you don't, what is the difference between Alzheimer's and dementia? Well, dementia is... Or is it part of... Well, dementia is – Or is it part of – Well, dementia is more of like an umbrella term because there's a lot of different types of dementia. There's like Lew body, which was what Robin Williams had. There's vascular dementia, which is technically what my father was diagnosed with, what we think he had because of his symptoms. And Alzheimer's is the leading cause.

Alzheimer's is the one that is, you know, the most brutal and abrasive and the one that takes the most lives. And it's crazy because, you know, it's a sort of thing where the symptoms reveal themselves so sneakily because in this society this is where i'm going to start getting in my head every symptom you say i'm like i had that last week well everyone has that thing she's over here saying all five is the michael jordan of dementia for christ's sake i mean that's not the one i want man you know off the bench kind of dementia something I can deal with like a basic bitch can I get the starter kit

let me get the starter kit dementia do you just want to forget your keys or do you want to forget your keys your wife and where you live because we can give you

that introduction that package but if you also want to not know who you are and where you are that's going to be extra at all times at all times

oh my god can I take that and turn it into a joke take that and put you are, that's going to be extra. At all times. At all times. Oh my god, can I take that and turn it into a joke and put it in my Alzheimer's chunk? It's yours in my Alzheimer's chunk. Yeah. Ash is losing it. See, there's so much misconception around the disease.

You know, Alzheimer's, it's Alzheimer's. um which is the alz named after the doctor who discovered it um dr terence johnson john smith people have never been known to call it old timers yeah i hear that a lot well that or all timers also i hear that as well there's so many wrong ways of saying it but old timers. Yeah, I hear that a lot. Or all timers also. I hear that as well. There's so many wrong ways of saying it. But old timers comes from obviously it being a phonetic symbol or sounding phonetically similar. But people in our society equate old age with dementia. And that is not a normal part of the aging process.

So calling it old timers is like, yeah, you know, everyone does that. Oh, grandma, she's getting forgetful. She's got old timers. That's not how we should age. It's a disease. It's an inflammation of the brain and it is not a normal part of the aging process. Like that's the most important thing for people to take away. Just because you get old doesn't mean you lose your memory.

No. It's not normal. No, it's not normal. It's purely – it's directly connected to a disease and it is a disease. It's really interesting and important to know because it's not like it's your hearing. No. This is your mind. This is your mind and the mind is a very interesting organ.

It's one of the only organs that we can only look at posthumously. It's not something we can really study the way we can study other parts of our body without really injuring us. I gotta tell you this. I just had graduated high school and my really good friend

Recently? Yeah. I got it done. 2020 was rough on everybody. You didn't get a GED, you got? You know what I mean? 2020 was ruffled everybody. You didn't get a GED, you got a GOD. I went back and got my GOD. God. This guy's still in high school.

That's where night pants came from. You're like, I got to get my GED. I'm wearing these night pants. Come on. So, yeah, I just graduated college, and my friend who's like a brother, still family to me and his little sister was killed in a car accident. And we're all there in the hospital and I'm talking to the doctor and we're talking about the soul. And I'll never forget this guy saying this because every he said, I said, where do you what do you do you believe in the soul? He's like, yeah, absolutely.

Where do you think it is in the body? And he's like, I think it's in the mind i go no why do you say that and he goes i'll tell you i can change your fucking kidneys i can change your heart i can change all these things i can give you a new knee a new shoulder all these things about you and you're still you but the moment we just a flick of the brain can change everything about who you are and he's like that's why i believe the brain is in the or the soul is in the brain i was like dude that's fantastic i believe that too i mean if you look at the brain if you look at how the brain works and like the synapses and the firing between the synapses it's literally it looks like the universe and it's it's much like the universe

and that it's in cast encapsulated in darkness and we don't really understand it yet it's all encompassing and it's where we come from and so it's just this interesting comparative between like what the universe is like and what our brain is like i i i believe that that's a really astute way of looking at the soul. I never thought about the soul being in the brain. That's very interesting. Isn't it? I thought I just was like, yeah, you're right.

Because any – even I had another friend whose father passed a brain cancer and the one doctor said, look, anytime you have to open the head, just opening it is your – there's airborne shit that could get in there and cause infections and you got to open it again and opening the head is never good once, you know, it's not great. So the brain is, I didn't realize this cause I went to see a psychiatrist. I had him on my podcast cause I've been following brain health and reading about brain health ever since my father was diagnosed. following brain health and reading about brain health ever since my father was diagnosed.

And this Dr. Daniel Amen, who is a psychiatrist, and he's been doing these spec scans of the brain, it's single photon emitted computer tomography. And it takes a scan of your brain and just looks at the tomography of your brain and sees where there might be injury. And he told me an astounding and astonishing statistic, in fact, that he says that 80% of mental health issues, like mental illness, is due to, directly due to, an injury, a physical injury on the brain. Which means a lot of these people who are walking around with, I mean, depression being a blanket term, but, you know, psychosis and schizophrenia and all these other sort of terms within psychiatry that are affecting so many people. Some of it is caused from a physical injury to your brain. And then he told me that the brain's consistency is like butter. The brain's consistency is like butter. And so when you think about that and you think about the damage that people do to their brain on a daily basis, whether it's, you know, vices or alcohol or drugs, and then add in TBIs and CTEs, like actual physical injury to the brain, it's not really built in a way to be treated like that so you know it's just there's this one time my dad's trajectory of him being sick we were talking about the soul being

in the brain and it made me think of this it was and i'll talk about like sort of the progression of the disease and how hard it is. It's like – I do want – my first question is what's – who and what was the first thing noticed? But tell me – Yes, I will do that. Tell me what you were just about to say about the soul, your dad. Well, in the process of him being sick, there was this one moment where he just was so restless, sat down, and he just didn't want to sit down. Then he wanted to get up, and then and he just didn't want to sit down. Then he wanted

to get up. And then he's like, I got to sit down. And he was going through this just cyclical, anxiety-induced moment. And he just couldn't find calm anywhere. And he's standing there. And I was like, Dad, just what do you need? How can I help? And he said something to me in hindsight that is so difficult to, for, the disease is difficult to equate because it exists within the mind. So when somebody is sick with this disease, how can they verbalize what's going on? And this was that instance where my father said, I just can't calm the chaos in my mind. I don't know what's happening in my mind. I don't know what's happening and I'm losing my mind. And that was the last time that my dad was able to quantify what he was feeling. And then it just sort of took over. But to answer your question, that's the hardest thing to decipher with this disease because it is such a slow fucking burn. And it's the sort of thing where, in hindsight, it all makes sense.

All the things that you threw away and just chopped up to old timers or just being dad. Do you know how many times as a family we said oh that's just dad just dad you know this disease it manifests later in life but it starts early how early it's as early as your 30s and this is not me saying i've got crazy brain fog right now i'm not even joking from this virus they say brain fog's real well it's like i don't remember like my short-term memory has been fucked by this thing uh and then i started thinking this shit like you get i don't want to freak everybody out but like why am i putting peanut butter in the fridge well because you want a hard nut and i like that flavor yeah you want a little hard nut you

want to put your apple slice and put a little hard nut on it? I'm here for that snack. Forgetting this, forgetting that now all of a sudden. Well, that's different. See, that's the manifestation. That's the symptoms. I'm talking about the implementation of lifestyle, external factors, environmental factors, certain things within your genealogy and your familial influence on your body and your soul and everything being able to contract this disease starts early.

And that's another misconception that people need to realize. This is I truly believe through our medical. The advancements in medical technology that we're going to be able to pinpoint this disease a little bit more because it's like the number five killer of people in our country yeah i don't know it's that high yeah it is it's like it's like in our top three have to do with you know heart disease and things like that because we're all completely out of shape and eat like trash but alzheimer's and dementia is like number six five or six of of all time of killers, of all killers in our country. So that's a huge number in the top five. So wait, you're telling me if we could just have better diets, we could reach number one?

We gotta do better! Come on, y'all! We need to get to number one! Feed your kid cheeseburgers and scream at nobody gives a shit there's not enough charities for five and six we gotta get up there guys come on there's truth to that shit i mean that's a whole other podcast about the business of illness i know the business of illness yeah it's it's that that part is is alarming but like through conversations like this we can sort of break stigmas. And the other stigma is that this is just something that old people deal with.

Well, old people deal with it because it happened. It's been happening. It's been happening. They're dealing with the – what then? Repercussions. Repercussions of the shit that's been going on for decades. Yes. The way they lived, the food, the stress level.

There's so many things that go into it. From the things that I've studied and have read and have found, a lot of it is diet. So much of our food causes internal inflammation and a lot of oxidative stress in our body. And I'm not a doctor. I'm saying a lot of big words. Most of the words I understand. But I've read a lot and have tried to educate myself because then I was scared like

oh fuck am I gonna forget too? because my dad did I got his chimpels and his hemorrhoids am I gonna get his fucking Alzheimer's are we going three for three bro? you know you talk about traits my mom gave me like long legs nice hair good smile my dad's like hemorrhoids pimples and acne and alzheimer's good luck but don't worry you're gonna forget about it all in your 70s there might be something to it.

You know? I mean, everyone's like, oh, I don't want to forget. Really? Have you seen the past year? Yeah, there's a lot of forgettable shit. There's a couple dicks I'd really like to forget. I want, like, selective Alzheimer's for the dicks I've let in my body. Just turn it on for that dick. I just, like, I'm not totally against Alzheimer's if I can forget all those

yeah that would be really really nice yeah so I'm gonna change my campaign get all you get 12 Alzheimer's uh get out of jails all right I'm gonna take that on Jason's dick give me one on Jason's dick I don't remember that dick all right you just get Jason's dick. I don't remember that dick. All right. You just get chips. Remember me? I don't even know who the fuck you are, sir. No, I don't. And I don't remember me. So therefore, your dick was never inside of me. Bye.

Key things, bye. One of the first things we recognized. I wasn't there. And how old was your dad at the time? This was 2017, September 28th, 2017, I believe. Actually, no, September 30th. It was on his birthday. I was doing a weekend in Sacramento at, what is that club there?

Is it a- Punchline. Punchline. And I actually, it was a weekend where I was, the first weekend I was spending with my new man. And I was like all excited. You know, I'm going to go do the road and you can see my life and we're gonna hang out and have some hotel sex and all this stuff

and I'm gonna try not to get pregnant. Try not to. Oh yeah, it's so hard. I'm allergic to condoms and I just don't like them. They smell weird. They do smell weird. Yeah, I feel like I work in a factory that makes gloves after I have sex with condoms. Hey guys, I'm safe, I swear.

No, it's just the latex from my pussy. It's fine. We're good. Who did you yell at? Who's over there? Anyone listening. Anyone out there listening. Do you laugh this much with everybody?

I feel like half of our podcast time was just us wheezing. So I'm like telling this like one of the worst I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Like literally the worst moment of my life.

I'm so sorry. I can't. Literally like if I think on my deathbed, what was the worst moment of your life? It's not this, but it was what I'm about to tell you. But this is why podcasts are important. Podcasts are important. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so my mom sent me a text message that said, something's wrong with your dad.

So they were still together? No, my parents have been separated since I was about nine. Okay. And my mom remained really close. They were both really close until they both died. Oh, my God. I know. Your mom.

I'm so sorry. Your mom. You're so over there. They were close until they both died. I think they were close until one of them died. Yeah, they were close until one of them died. When they both died, they got closer again. Yeah.

Now they're as close as they can be. We're back. We're back, mother. You're orphans, you said. That's what you said to me outside. Yeah, I'm orphaned now, which is the most humbling experience ever. But that'll be, I guess that'll be our third installment of our podcast trilogy. We're coming back.

Yeah, my mom just said, there's something wrong with your father. And she went over to take him out for his birthday. I guess they couldn't get a hold of him. He wasn't answering his phone. And she pulled up and the trunk of his car was open. And he wasn't down there. And the door was locked. And she went upstairs.

He let her in. And he was trying to call someone back on his remote. He was trying to call someone back on his remote. And so she just was like, this is not old timers. This isn't normal. Right. And that was in September of 2017. September 30th.

Yeah. On his birthday. What birthday? September 30th. How old? He was 81. 81. Yeah. And I was supposed to be born on his birthday, but actually they had me come out two weeks

early. And my other sister was born on his birthday. For real? Yeah. Isn't that wild? It's a very wild, unusual. That would be crazy if people, yeah. Your two daughters?

Both your daughters, yeah. But your dad and your sister celebrate a birthday together? They do. That's got to be bittersweet. I'm sure it is. And so from that point, that was the first tangible thing. But there was something earlier in the summer that now we know what it was. He was having equilibrium issues and said he felt dizzy and he couldn't quite, you know, his surroundings were a little off to him. And so we just thought it was just we didn't know what it was.

And honestly, I hate to say this out loud, but I think it needs to be said. It needs to be said. Our medical and hospital businesses, I hate to say businesses, our healthcare system sucks. And it failed my family. And it's not their fault. It's not one person's fault. It's an accumulative. Years of fucked upness going on throughout that's one of the most frustrating factors of this is

just you know there's not enough information or there's not enough drive to get the information i don't know i don't know what the fucking solution is but there were so many areas and maybe maybe it's me just trying to hang on and have that sort of grief moment where you want to blame somebody and be able to put it to something. But I also know other people have gone through a similar scenario where they felt that they didn't get care and hands-on care and somebody who actually was like, you know, let me think outside the box a little bit instead of referencing some book from 1995 that is completely out of date, you know? So early on in the summer,

with the equilibrium issues, we brought him to a neurologist. And she, you know, my father, up to that point, had been a very functional alcoholic, drinking, you know, he used to count his drinks. My dad would count his drinks. He had vodka, soda, and lime. And he would use the same glass and have the bartender just freshen up the lime. And he would count the limes by the end of the night to know when it was time to stop. I mean, he would stop at like 8 or 9, obviously. The system didn't really work. I think it was just when the cup got filled with the limes, he was like, I'm good. Yeah.

But he was a fun drunk. It was never a drinking where we were like oh we gotta talk to dad we just accepted it and he never called us in the middle of night crying about vietnam do you know people have those there's definitely some people have had those he never screamed your mother's a fucking whore yeah he never raised his hand to us he just wanted to hit on women and laugh and tell jokes and he was the most jovial and drink course pure light beer

course pure organic organic butic. Better for you. He never raised his hand. He was just a very affable man. And so when we brought him to this... Did he ever remarry? No. Is it difficult? Did he date though? He tried. He dated, I really was, this one

woman, I can't remember her name, but she was a lawyer and she had a son and they were together for a while. And I was like, really? I was about 16. I was like, oh, this could be something good for him. But he had so many, you know, that generation didn't come from a place, a safe place for them to be able to deal with the demons that their parents had instilled on them. Sure. You know, we're talking like turn of the century shit. We're the first real.

I feel like we're the first generation of people like, all right, let's get our shit together. Let's talk. Yeah. Let's communicate. Let's talk about it. Let's normalize it. Let's unpack our shit. Let's normalize unpacking our shit.

This generation, they shoved it, put it in a suitcase, taped it, glued it shut and put it in the bottom of the ocean. Yeah. It was like, go out and have another family. It didn't happen. And now it's gone. His generation treated emotions the way the mafia treated people who turned against them. The way they treated Hoffa.

They put that shit in the damn Brooklyn Bridge. Bury him and don't even look for it. You're never going to find him. Don't you cry, Sia Tia. I'm going to put a cement block around your goddamn ankle, okay? Don't you fucking cross me. So he's, you know, he just was a very affable human being. And the alcoholism, although we were like, well, it's probably too much.

It wasn't enough for us to be like, let's have a conversation intervention. You can't do that with someone in their 70s. You have an intervention with someone in their 70s. It's not going to fucking work. No, but you all want to talk. Hang on. Let me get a conversation intervention. You can't do that with someone in their 70s. You have an intervention with someone in their 70s? It's not going to fucking work. No, but you all want to talk? Hang on. Let me get a vodka sip real quick. That's actually what we want to talk to you about.

That's totally. Let me get two then. You saying we're going to be a while? Can I get some chicken wings? Yeah. I like them naked. So when we brought him to this neurologist, she chopped up his vertigo to drinking. She said, well, you know, you do.

It does look like you drink a little too much. And why don't we why don't we cut that out? And she's like, but it's very important that you go slow, cutting it out, because your body has become dependent upon it. Your brain, your chemistry is altered to be able to facilitate the alcohol so you can function on a daily basis. So your entire brain chemistry evolves around the way you drink and how you consume alcohol. And it's very, very, very important for people who are alcoholics or whatever type of addict. You got to go slow when you come off of it. You can't go cold turkey. And especially this was something, another revelation and another thing that we found out, certain brain diseases, and like I said before, like neurodegenerative things can be exacerbated through the immediate pulling away of a vice like drinking.

So can I ask you this? Maybe you know this one as well. My same friend of mine, his mom who lost his sister, she's like a mom growing up to me still. But both of her parents um within a year of each other both got it her dad got it first um and then they had to take away like one night he just showed up in the garage with his shotgun and there was thank god but the doctor's like yep you better take all the shotguns take every because he's a hunter like put it all away like and she's like i don't even of – like he knows where that is.

I don't – because she had to move in to take care of him. She's like, I don't know where the fuck his guns are. And then his wife got it a year later, like after his passing. And one of the things the doctor said was to take away artificial sweeteners. And she said that she really noticed the difference in clarity in her parents when they didn't have drinks that had artificial sweeteners and she said that she really noticed the difference in clarity in her parents when they didn't have drinks that had artificial sweeteners and i was just curious because you said diet you brought up a lot of these things do you know about any of that sort of stuff sugar is pure poison sugar right even regular sugar too okay it's pure poison it it's it

it affects so much you know it's it's just just honestly when I think back to the development of the disease within my father, he had an enormous sweet tooth. He did. Yeah. Are you kidding me? But all that alcohol turns into sugar too at the end of the day. And that's what I'm saying. It's such a – like an amalgamation of so many things. It's your diet.

It's your lifestyle. And a big part of that is community and being able to be social. We're social creatures. And that's a huge, when you think about us just being in quarantine, I don't know about you, but I came out of quarantine

not really being able to have a conversation or speak in full sentences because I was out of practice because I just was hanging out with toddlers and dogs. And when you meet people and you have a mask on, so when you start to degenerate a little bit just on the basis of being in quarantine and not being in a community and talking,

and imagine what happens to somebody who's already sort of predispositioned to develop a disease like Alzheimer's or something like Parkinson's. So there's so many factors that if you restrict them from your life can sort of become the thing that makes you more susceptible to developing that. But yeah, she chopped it up to him needing to stop drinking. And because my father was the way he was,

a little stubborn, doesn't really listen to the details, doesn't follow orders, he stopped drinking abruptly. and that was in August. Oh, he did. Okay. He stopped drinking abruptly in August. He didn't go slow. And by September, whatever disease had been, like I said before, building through decades had just bloomed. Really?

Within a month. Do you think him going cold turkey like that helped accelerate that time frame that you do? Yes. And that's something that – and in the same breath, the alcoholism sort of subdued the symptoms. Oh, I see. So it becomes what's – it's just dad versus something's wrong. Dad's a little bit buzzed versus something's wrong. I see.

Okay. All right. Because he's always been a little – like he'd call me and I actually have this plaque in my house right now where he wrote me a note and it says la um hey chris care m nancy jess he used to call me and go through the names of every woman he ever met or knew and then finally land on mine yeah i'm like what is it what is this bingo what is happening like fish and pole cutlass supreme my grandma used to do it i'm like you just threw the dog in like nobody's pepper you don't have any relative named pepper okay that's the doll grandma who's cracker who the hell is cracker

and so that sort of him you know the disease had already sort of manifest and show itself by August because he was sort of having this equilibrium issue. And then the abrupt, you know, halt of drinking just it was a perfect storm for the disease to be like, hey, it was like Beyonce getting rid of the two others. Yeah. Yeah. There goes Destiny's Child. Oh, it's just Beyonce now, bitch. I am here and I need Diet Coke on my rider. And so his disease had a time to shine.

And, you know, my mom going over in September was when we really realized something was wrong because he had sort of incubated himself. He pulled away. He withdrew from hanging out at the bar. And ironically, because he was at this drinking hole all the time, the change of pace in Syracuse, being there sort of gave him purpose. He had community. He had friends. He'd play bar kino. He hung out. They knew his drink. It was his space. So there's so many things when I look backwards I get so frustrated

because in my mind I always think like what if he just kept drinking? What if he stayed the happy drunk he was? Do you think he would be here still? I don't know. And that's why like when you ask those questions you can't really harp on them too long because the what-ifs and the hypotheticals drive you crazy but it's

definitely something that i've asked myself and to the universe and maybe so you know but it just was the perfect storm for him to quit drinking and then that thing that sort of gave him purpose gave his disease a stage and then he withd withdrew. And so when he withdrew, he stayed at his apartment. He wasn't washing. He wasn't quite finding the bathroom the way he should. And by the time my mom went over on that day with his trunk open and going upstairs, it was a different person. He had a beard. My father never fucking had a beard. Are you kidding me? An Italian, an upstate Italian man with a couple of wives and a bunch of daughters and like 45 used cars. That man doesn't have a beard.

He dresses nice and shaves every day. And so he just, it was like a surprise party. It was a really shitty surprise party that we had where Alzheimer's just showed up or vascular dementia. Here's the thing we talk about. We always talk about how we feel about this and our process of what we went through and we went through. And dying is a very lonely thing. You're going out on your own. We lose this one person.

They lose everybody. Your dad loses all the cars and all the daughters. The golf clubs. The clubs, the ex-wives. All the vodka sodas. All the sodas, all of them. So there's two things I want to talk about. And one is his point of view first because I've mentioned this show before, but you may have seen it.

If you haven't, you should watch it. But it's called You Don't Know Jack. HBO did this documentary about Jack Kevorkian. Wow. And Pacino plays him. And they intercut it with real footage of Kevorkian and like sort of this documentary style. Yes, I did see that. It's pretty fucking awesome.

I'm going to have to rewatch it. It's so good. I remember it being fascinating. And I remember the – so what they did was they used interviews of the real people he would talk to within the documentary. And he didn't charge. He just asked you to pay for his airline ticket. And he would come out and he said, you better be ready to go. Like make your peace with each other.

And he would show you how it would go. He would put a needle in you and the body would sort of rise and it would exhale and they're gone. They're gone peacefully, not ugly. There's no vulgar shaking and vomit and nothing. It's peaceful. But there was one point where this always stuck out to me. This one lady, she said she stood in her backyard and for 30 minutes she didn't know where she was and then it clicked. And she said to her husband, listen, if that happens again more than twice a week, call them.

And she said one day she just was out there for hours and then it hit. And she's like, all right, I don't even know my backyard anymore. Like she had lost everything but had a moment of clarity where she was like, I'm ready. Like let's do this. And I just wonder like what your – if you even know like what your dad went through. Like did you have conversations? Were you able to have conversations? Like do you understand what's happening?

You're losing your mind. Like were you – was he that present or did this alcohol thing happened so fast you really didn't get time? You know, I wasn't expecting you to say it went from A to Z within like a month. We weren't either. I mean, that's why it was diagnosed as vascular dementia. Usually that's brought on by a stroke. So they think maybe somewhere along the line he had a stroke and we don't know. And that's another hard thing to detect.

And that's another hard thing to detect. We were, there are those like moments of hope, like the lucidity. And so there were early on, I remember us having a conversation because we had to get home care because we didn't know what it was. We didn't know what it was for months. We didn't know what it was for months. And that's why this disease is so fucking brutal. Because by the time you have some sort of definitive diagnosis, you're already 20, 30, 40 grand in the hole with home care. Oh, yeah. Your stress. We were all stretched so fucking thin.

And mind you, I'm on the West Coast. I was flying home to syracuse all every month every time i could in between shows layovers whatever i could do um and my sister dealt with everything and it just was such a a scramble and you know we're trying like the sort of thing where thing where you try and do all these bullshit diets. We were doing the same thing for his mind. We're like, well, we'll cut out this. I'll bring over more blueberries. We didn't know what the fuck to do. We were just trying to like, we were literally plugging holes in a ship that was already sunk. And that made it difficult. There's a couple of things about this disease. it's one of the most expensive diseases to have because of the home care inevitable home care

inevitable memory care facility it's common it the amount of money it takes to care for somebody on a 24-hour clock is exorbitant and it's fucking criminal personally and i i'm not saying people don't deserve those those people who take care home health aids oh yeah they deserve every damn dollar but the fact that that's not something that is readily available for people and is something that's covered to me is criminal because this is a disease that society our food and companies that are making the food is directly affecting. They are a part of the process. But that's another conversation.

But it was difficult for us. We had to have a conversation with him where we had to be like, we have to put you somewhere. And we never thought that would be the thing with him. We're close. thing with him. You know, we were close. We loved him. That wasn't something that we wanted to do with either of our fucking parents. And him being the stubborn Italian, you know, we went to start to go look at places for him to go. And I got to tell you, fucking walking into one of those places, you're like, I can't put him here. It just, it, it feels like it's like such a, um,

helpless feeling. It feels like you're gripping soap and it's wet and you just, you keep gripping and it keeps slipping and it gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Like that's what, what this disease feels like. But we did, you know, there were moments of some lucidity, but those into whatever you want to talk about, is the scarcity made it more special. Those lucid moments. Not knowing when they were going to come or what they were going to be or how long they were going to last made them the most valuable thing in life at that time. But, you know, I remember going home early on and I had gotten a mattress sent to me from this company. Well, I won't say because they haven't treated us as nice as Coors. Coors Pure. This mattress company had sent me a mattress and I had it sent to my dad's house because I was like, well,

since he's soaked his entire mattress and has peed in every corner, maybe we can put a little something nice in the place just for now. We were literally doing anything we could to, we were doctoring up a crack whore. You did leave him there. He's still there. We think He's still there, we think. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Upstart.

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They got it in Target out here in California. All over the place. All right? Celebrate responsibly. Coors Brewing Company, Albany, Georgia. That's a damn good beer, y'all. Now, let's get back to the do. I really wanted to ask you because I got to feel like you feel like you're abandoning your own dad.

You're leaving him in this building and then off you go. That's exactly what it feels like. And we. Oh, I'm just trying to put myself in your dad's position of like watching you all leave. Like what? He was like, there's no. The first place we went to, there just was no fucking way. And it was all my sisters and my dad.

I just I felt his energy in my out of all my sisters. I was the closest with my father. Him and I had a very, very, very special bond. And he loved all of us equally me definitely more i definitely was a favorite but i even asked him when he was like on his deathbed i'm like don't you fucking forget don't you go haunting me don't be telling people you forgot you said that you go haunt them write it down write it down we went we shopped around you know we because it was such a brutal decision and also we didn't know what we were doing or what we were up against still we just knew he needed help we had no definitive diagnosis for a month and a half maybe two months he had a home care nurse who would come

for a couple hours and then she would say hey hey, this is not a four-hour job because it would progress so fast. We literally got, you know, with Alzheimer's, you know, there being so many types of dementia, Alzheimer's being the number one, there is just so many other variables that go along with it, you know, and for on average, people suffer with the disease eight to 10 years from from. Wow. I didn't realize it was that long. Eight to 10 years of them being in the symptomatic era of Alzheimer's or dementia.

They might not realize it till the last year of that. Right. Well, you probably would know. But what I'm saying, like I said before, decades of the disease taking up residency in your body and then manifesting itself, it's such a slow burn. By the time the symptoms really start to get into the later stages, because there's a few stages of it. That's when it snowballs. Yeah, that's when it starts to snowball. But eight to ten years, our dad had the silver lining.

The highlight was that we got a crash course. It was a year. A year, which is so unheard of when it comes to this disease. That's what I'm saying. I didn't expect to hear you say a year. A year. We got 10 years of the illness in a year. It was the cliff notes of it.

And most people would think, oh, man, that's not enough time to say goodbye or to tie your loose ends. I didn't have any of those with him. We sucked the life out of each other. that's not enough time to say goodbye or to tie your loose ends. I didn't have any of those with him. We, we sucked the life out of each other. Not to say I wouldn't want him around now, but there's no way I'd be sitting here with you looking as good as I do in these quarantine titties. And you look great.

Thank you. If my father was suffering for eight years with this disease or still, if I'm three years in, I would, I would be a fucking mess. So that's like the silver lining of this whole scenario. father was suffering for eight years with this disease we're still if i'm three years in i would i would be a fucking mess so that's like the silver lining of this whole scenario but you know leaving him we we ended up on a assisted living which is so hopeful you're basically like something's wrong he can still handle himself by the time you know we found this really cute place where there's all these like we try to sell it to him like hey it's like i can't wait to hear this

it's like hedonism but with bibs and walkers titties and all still there just covered up by the bibs you heard of a moo moo every everybody's already bending over. You know what I'm saying? Because of osteoporosis. Got free Viagra at the commissary. There's no lap dances, just laps because everyone's sitting down. Everyone's sitting, yeah.

Every dance is a lap dance. Oh, God. So we were, I say hopeful because, you know, this disease, it's not neat. It's not like you can go, okay, by month two, he's going to be in stage two. And this is a stage. And here's what you need to do and here's the book for that. It's such, that's why it's so two and this is a stage. Here's what you need to do and here's the book for that. It's such – that's why it's so expensive and so emotionally taxing because it goes like this. It's like you go back.

Oh, you get hopeful and then you're three stages deep and then you come back a little bit. You're like, oh, it's getting better and then he doesn't know who the fuck he is. Did you ever have the conversation with him that you're dying? You're going to die and did you get to say a goodbye when he was coherent like were you where he actually knew what was happening to him yeah i got to do that like um he was in the hospital um nurse he was in a nursing home actually no he was in the hospital because i think he had fallen. Oh, no, he threw shit. He threw shit.

Actual shit? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he threw shit. It was his shit. He threw it at his roommate, which he probably deserved it. He probably said something rude. That's how monkeys used to solve problems, and now my dad does it, and he's an asshole? Come on.

Maybe he's just resourceful. Maybe he's just a straightforward Italian who's like, what'd you say to me? Yeah, I you what i'm gonna give you a whole slice of this bullion yeah i got a calzone coming your way i want my own room okay so i appreciate your sacrifice you're about to tang yeah there's corn in it yeah they fed me corn last night, by the way. That's a surefire way to get your own room. Throw shit on people. Emily called me. She's like, Dad threw shit.

I'm like, he threw a fit? She's like, well, yeah, but it was a fit filled with shit. Shit fit. I think that's where a shit fit comes from. Throwing a shit fit. And I laughed. I'm such an asshole. I'm like, what did his roommate do?

What did Harry do? Harry didn't do anything. My dad just woke up and didn't know who Harry was and why was he in his room. And why was he in his room? And so like the rainbow trajectory of his assisted living facility placement was we walked into a nursing home. We said, fuck that. We found an assisted living. We started to fill out the paperwork for that.

But by the time the paperwork was filled out and he was accepted, he had already advanced too much for them to take him because you have to be somewhat independent to live in assisted living. We didn't know that. And then we had to find a memory care facility. We found one in Syracuse that did great work. And, you know, that whole process was just like you were talking about, like leaving him there. I don't have any kids. I don't know what it's like to leave them to go to school. It isn't like that.

It's not like that at all. Because you're literally walking away from them as you knew them. And every time you leave them, you're leaving a piece of them. Yes, you're a different person when you come back. Yeah, they're different. You don't even know how different. No. And neither do they. No.

So, you know, that part was really hard. And then so, you know, he went to the memory care facility and then it just progressed so fast so by the time he was in the the hospital we were talking about end of life and hospice and what the next with him with his nurses and doctors and our family not in front of him not in front of him no they did a lot of that and i had a problem with it curious what i'm saying. It's his life. Like, I'm the one that you got to come wipe my ass and do all this shit. Like, tell me what the fuck's going on.

I had a problem with people talking over my dad. Yeah. Like he was around him. Like he's not even there. Yeah, fuck yeah. I get that. And, you know, he's not processing. He says, I don't give a fuck.

How do you know? Right. How do you know he won't process? You don't know. You're not in his brain. You don't know what he's not processing. He says, I don't give a fuck. How do you know? Right. How do you know he won't process? You don't know. You're not in his brain. You don't know what he's retaining. Right. And nobody knows anything about this fucking disease.

We can't get control over it. So don't stand here and tell me that I'm being sensitive for asking you motherfuckers to take the conversation. Ask Carrie how sensitive we're being. Ask Carrie. Good shot, Dad. You still got that arm, he's like i get a vodka soda i'm like get him a fucking vodka soda okay but your question yes yes i was fortunate enough to say the things that people so often don't get the luxury to say.

And it was on the heels of my brother-in-law who had been through a lot of loss. My brother-in-law was just such an amazing human. He saw this coming a mile away. Even though we had all the hope in the world, he had been around enough death and he sat us down. He goes, you need to have the conversation with your dad. Because sometimes the soul hangs on and you need to let him know that it's okay to go. And a lot of this disease and so much in life is normalizing and improving our relationship with loss and letting go. The more we can let go, the more space we have for love in our own hearts and the more we're able to move through life without regrets and holding grudges. And so my brother-in-law, Steve, said that to me and we were at the hospital having this hospice conversation in one of the rooms

and all my sisters were there. And I realized that that's a very, you know, it's who knows what everyone's schedule is going to be and how we're going to be able to do this and so we went in with him and he's sitting down and we're just kind of petting him because after having that fucking heavy ass conversation of what to do with your dad as a body right man nothing problem as as a problem as something to handle. As something. This thing we got to take care of.

Yeah. What do we do with his nuts? I don't know. His nuts. His nuts. I'm just trying to lighten it up every so often. You get married with your nuts or we take them home in a jar. Do you guys got a special little box with a nut cremation?

Is there a scrotal urn? There's a business idea. There is. A dick and ball fucking cremation. A dick and ball box? That's my dick and balls. My dad's dick and balls. My daddy's dick and balls. That's what you call it. Daddy's dick and balls.

Zaddy's dick and balls. Because I always call you daddy. So off of just that heavy ass conversation i was like i'm not gonna have any other i'm not gonna have any other confidence or motivation or ability to say this if i don't say it now and And so we're all just kind of surrounding him. And I said, we're okay. And he wasn't communicative at this point. He wasn't able to carry on a conversation. The last thing he laughed at was a fart card.

Was it? Because it was his birthday. This whole thing was so, you know, I told you outside, I believe everything happens for a reason there were so many dates that things happened and that were instrumental you know from the date of him my mom telling me something was wrong with him to the date of us saying like verbally letting him know he could go um it was on his birthday there which is also her birth it's her birthday so she she got him the card and we were trying to talk with him

but it just was impossible and it was one of those cards we open it up and it makes a fart noise and he could not stop laughing oh that's great all right he could not stop laughing and and there's a video you know i documented this whole thing there's a video of us singing. I think we were singing Sinatra. And that's the other thing about this disease. Music is so, no pun intended, instrumental in helping. When my friend's sister was in a coma, not to compare it, but just to be – they said the same thing. Like keep the brain active. You have to keep the brain active.

Yes. That's what they said. And they told us to bring in music and everything. Yeah. Music's huge. And I learned that music is one of the only things, especially when you're playing it, it activates all chambers and parts of your brain. It's one of the only things that does that. And that's why people who get dementia, Alzheimer's, Lew body, any of these sort of things under the dementia umbrella, the music that they thrived in,

usually it's between 16 and 20 years old. That's like your era of music. If you play that music, they remember it. And it's like a phenomenon that they're able to retain certain things. That's why they remember things out of the blue and they're able to sing these songs even though they're losing all their other faculties and um so that day i remember him laughing at that fart card and we were singing sinatra and that was the only communication we were able to do song and farts

that's it that's what i mean look you come in like that and you go out like that. Yes. And he wouldn't respond to anything we said. You know, do you know who this is? Do you know who that is? Can I ask you a question? When's the first time he forgot who you were? I'll tell you that right after I tell you this. That's a great question. He wouldn't respond to any of our, you know, he didn't, there's no conversation being had. And, and so we didn't even know if he was going to understand us telling him he could let go. And so we're there with him and, and I'm just telling him, I love you. You know, my sister, Karen, I was like, Karen is good. And she was saying she's good and she's happy. And I told him I I was happy and and that I was loved and he is loved and he is safe and he fucking started to cry no he you could visibly see him register what we said. And like. That's why people who are dealing with this disease, they need to know they are still there. They can hear you.

They can feel you. They can smell. They can taste. They can. All their senses are still there. They're just being hijacked by a really cruel, cruel fucking individual. by a really cruel, cruel fucking individual and to not deviate from how you'd normally love them, to think that they can't understand what you're saying. And that, that release, that, that ability to release him changed everything for me as a as a human like to tell the the one man who didn't try to fuck me how much i love him he just was such an amazing dad he was he wasn't the the

he didn't have all his shit together and he he was a fuck up at times and sometimes you know he wasn't so great with money but he did not he was not cheap with his love and he always told us he loved us and man that's well said it's just that is well said it's it's it's who he was to his core and to be able to release him from the shackles of that fucking disease. Because who knows? Like that doctor you were talking about, the soul being in the mind. Who knows how much of people who are going through these things, like my father and people who are sick and comas. Who knows how much of them are hanging on because they haven't thought they could let go.

I'm sitting here just blown away by that. Like, yeah. Like almost like, God, thank you. how much of them are hanging on because they haven't thought they could let go right i'm sitting here just blown away by that like yeah like almost like god thank you thank you the burden is all for me right and think about a parent's love think about you wanting to protect your daughter and fighting tooth and nail to be there for her through the fucking end that doesn't go anywhere no but to hear her let you know that it's it's everything it's it's it's it's you paying your love forward you know if you love something enough you have to let it go it's the most unselfish thing you can do it's the most unselfish thing you do fight push harder you can do this no no enough is enough it's okay to quit it's okay to stop yes it's okay to go

it's like that homie at love actually was trying to fuck his best friend's wife you gotta enough now he shows up with the poster boards that was me um but to be able to do that was like it wasn't only important it was like it was i felt honor in it yeah i felt i felt pure it was like the it was like the crossroads of pure love and pain and it was the most probably one of the most defining moments of my life where i i wasn't and not that i won't always be his daughter, but I became a woman in that moment. And, you know, you asked me about the first time he forgot who I was.

Wait, can I ask you real quick to that? How soon after that did he pass? Within a week. Within a week. Wow. I think so. Okay. Less than two weeks for sure because he moved to another, he moved to I think like a nursing home after that because he was in the hospital.

Yeah, he moved to a nursing home and he was gone rather soon. The first time he forgot who I was – first let me say marijuana was amazing through this whole process for me. For him or you? I got him some. For both of us uh it really helped me connect with my anxieties and release them through a veil of love and not fear you know through an understanding that things happen things fall as they may and i can either i have a choice to fight it or to learn from it and and to allow it to change me and to know that whatever change I go through, that's going to be something I can use to service other people.

And that's how I approached it just for my own survival, not in any other conscious effort other than I will fall the fuck apart if I don't turn this into something useful. And so I smoked a lot of weed. And there was one day he called me. It was like six o'clock on, it was like a weekday. I was walking around my neighborhood in Marina Del Rey, California. And I'd have to call him a lot. You know, this is before he got into the hospital and nursing home. I had to call him a lot because he fucking forgot. And he called me once and he was talking about relations between everybody because I was mentioning people and they start to forget the web of connections within a family and who's who. And so I mentioned Emily, my sister and my mom, Nancy. And he goes, okay, now, Emily, sister and my mom nancy and he goes okay now emily all right um now how is she related to you and so she's my sister and nancy now now how how do i know her i was like well that's your ex-wife

you've slung the dick a couple times you've been in and out um And the other thing to note for people dealing with this disease is that it is their world as you know it. It would behoove you to go along on whatever ride they're on. If they say waffles are floating in the air, fucking take a bite, pour out some syrup. If they say that Ronald Reagan was in their room earlier, ask them what he said to them. The more you try to fight the world that they are living in, the harder it's going to be for you to exist in it. Very well said also. It's just the revelations and epiphanies I had with dealing with him. You just go along with it.

It's more important to reminisce than to ask, do you remember? Questions are very hard for people with dementia and any sort of disease like that. Obviously, their brain is having a hard time making connections. So you kind of let them drive the ship and it's just an easier, smoother ride. So we were going through this conversation and he was like, okay, now Nancy, I was like, that was your ex wife.

She's, she's still in your life. She loves you. And he went, and I'm, I'm high as fuck. I am like two blunts deep and it's, you know,

5 PM. And I'm just going through living this brutal existence and he goes okay now who are you and i just i should have saw it coming kind of like a bitch who walks alone in a parking lot at night don't victim shame don't victim shame you're getting canceled don't you victim shame women who walk alone in the parking garages at night please just watch the first episode you'll understand why i have the rape card in my back pocket you should have saw the rapist coming you know i should have i didn't i i guess because i just was in the moment and that's one of the most important beautiful things you can be in life but also in dealing with somebody who's

going through this sort of disease being in the moment is survival and i was so in the moment he took me off guard he said well who are you and i just took a hit of my joint i was just like that's a good fucking question i'd even i'd even consider he forgot me i just thought he was getting existential and i was like i don't i'm everybody i'm you you're me who's anybody you know i i truthfully i didn't equate it to him forgetting me. I equated it to me. And this is going to sound real,

real woo woo. I equated it to me needing to forget who I was because I was no longer her because this whole experience changed me to my core. And it was just an opportunity to get to know who this new person was within this life of losing the most important person I've ever known. And I just said, you know what? I'm your favorite daughter. What did he say? And you owe me $500. I want $1,000.

He just was like, oh, oh, okay. I'm sorry. I. That was, oh, okay. I'm sorry. I. That was nice. He said, I'm sorry. Yeah. You know, because there's so much shame and dignity lost through this disease. Like we talked before, people talking over them because they just can't.

They're crazy. And them losing control of their bodily functions and them losing relationships. And it's all loss. And you have to grieve the person while they're alive. That's the hardest fucking... You're not only plugging holes in a ship that's already sunk. You are having to say goodbye to a person you love every single day. You're losing them every day. Having to say goodbye to a person you love every single day, you're losing them every day. You're having to learn how to grieve. Well, you know, I look at my sister Emily who just – I was so amazed by her strength. She's got kids and a husband and has her own life.

And she was the fucking point guard for it all. And my mom, in tandem with my mom. My other sisters helped. But Emily really grabbed the reins and handled all the medical stuff. Took care of the home care aid. Just fucking bucked the fuck up. And was able to get through it and help my dad maintain some dignity in the process so that we weren't just taking whatever we got.

We were challenging the system a little bit so that we could get the best we could for him, you know? And do you remember if this is something I want to know about people? I know they forget things where they are, you know, do they forget who they are yeah do they is there a point where your dad literally just is like doesn't remember anything yeah they become they become very vegetative they do and it's they're the moments of lucidity oh god it's just like i feel like lucidity is kind of like that girl trying to get in on a double dutch, just trying to find the opportune moment just to get in and play for a minute, and then she's gone. That's what those moments are like.

They pop in, and you're just like, and you fucking grab onto it as a loved one, and are like, oh, and then it's gone. And those moments became few and far in between. But like I said, they were the most magical moments because I knew that about them. I took him, one of the times I came home, I took him to a restaurant. And this is when he was in the memory care facility this is three stops before his last stop and as far as the facilities he was in and you know you talk about him losing himself that for me was the hardest part because i'm like losing my guy and his personality and all of that changing so much i brought him out to lunch and we walk in he's got his walker and he's slow he's taking everything in like it's new.

They become very childlike. And everything's kind of new and he just looks a little out of sorts and taking it all in. And then we get up to the hostess stand. And the hostess is pretty. He's like, oh, and he kind of like perks up a little. I'm like, okay, he's still got it. And then we walk and we sit down. And then the waitress comes over and she's a knockout.

You know, she's like an older woman, but just gorgeous. And she goes, so what do you, you guys know what you're going to have? And my dad goes, I'll have you if it's on the menu. He's like, I've swung this thick

successfully a few times. Okay. And she just looked at me. I'm like, that's my dad. Yes. He will have you. I don't care if it's on the menu or not bitch you are being had it it's that's great you know those those things happen they give you so much hope if you're somebody who doesn't you know at that point we had already sort of deduced what was going on because he was in a memory care facility at that point. But leading up to that, those moments can be really tricky. They're, you know, it's like a fix. And you're like, oh, he's going to be good. And I was an eternal optimist through him the

entire time. I just tried to find the silver linings. That's how I've survived my entire life. It's probably the reason why I haven't become some crack whore because I'm just eternally optimistic. There's a lot of positive fucking crack whores out there. I know. Believe me. I thought about it during quarantine. I'm like, is it that bad? There's a lot of positive crack whores out there.

They're not all pessimistic. I can wear an outfit. No one will judge me. They'll be like, oh, you're a crack whore? Fishnets make sense. Ripped ones. Yeah, ripped ones at that. He – yeah, just towards the end, like him showing his personality became just fewer and fewer times.

And those were the moments that I just – you just sort of sit and you're quiet. the moments that I just, you just sort of sit and you're quiet. And that's my other word of advice is just to be as quiet as you can, communicate with them, but let them really drive the ship. I remember one time I picked him up and this is one of the only times where I was so irate. Him and I were in the car and we were singing Sinatra. It was just like a half a mile drive from his memory care facility in Syracuse to the restaurant. And we were singing Sinatra at the top of our lungs. I think it was my way. No, you make me feel so young. Singing it and he knew the words. And then we pull up, we're meeting my sister and my brother-in-law. We pull up and we're sitting there and I go to get out of the car and he goes, man, I miss you. And I was like, what? He was like, I have missed you so much. I just, I want you to know, I love you so much. And I don't know what's happening,

but I just, I miss you. And we were having this moment. And just as he was about to say something else, my brother-in-law came up and like knocked on the window. And that moment was just shook out of the car. And I had to sit in the car for a minute. I had to like really like. I'm over here getting emotional. They got him out and his walker was in the back. And I had to sort of like, all right, Steve didn't know what was going on.

This is all new to all of us and you had somewhat of a moment. You can't try and grab onto what could have been. But those things happen so infrequently that they become so profound in their scarcity. Those things happen so infrequently that they become so profound in their scarcity. They become – I've been thinking about that the whole time, about how we take a lot of things for granted in life. But just a conversation with someone, then you're begging to hear anything they have to say. Begging for time. Especially if it's a moment of clarity, time, yeah.

Time at the end is what most people want more of nothing else no not a better car better fucking couch no not even food time time and that's what changed for me was how who and where i spent my time with because every moment with him hit me so fucking hard that it like knocked it knocked my it knocked me senseless it changed me it changed how I stepped out into the world and how I presented myself and how I lived in a moment. And, you know, after he passed away, I've spent every holiday with my family. We're very close. I'm a huge homebody. I love being home with my family. When I was living in New York, I was home every weekend. So holidays are very important to me. And after my father died, everything changed because

he wasn't going to be there. And so I decided to go do a USO tour and be away from my family and sort of recalibrate and get used to that new normal. And when I was over there, I was reading something and I forget who said it. Maybe somebody can send me a DM or I can look up afterwards. But the saying is you never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. And that encapsulated everything for me during that process of losing my dad from him being, you know, trying to call somebody on his remote to him finally passing. And sharing is so important. Talking about it is so important. You know, sharing our experiences and everything is the most, I think that's service.

You know, you doing this podcast is huge service because it opens people up to their trauma and lets them know that they're not alone. And I learned that in a really beautiful way, you know, by sharing everything on Instagram. John Heffron, he reached out. Him and I had never met physically, but I, of course, know who he is as a comedian. Yeah. And he saw all the stuff I was sharing,

and he went through a similar scenario, I believe, with his mother. I apologize if that's the wrong parent, but both of mine are dead, so. Which is going to be installment three installment three we'll get to nancy no pants nance um that's what my fans call called my mom no pants nance that's the whole story we'll just we'll save it for you um that john sent me a message and he said you know i'm going through something similar i went through something similar and i just want to let you know that hearing i've learned is one of the final senses to go. So people can still hear even though they appear vegetative, maybe in a coma, maybe they're not responsive.

The belief and what people have said is that hearing is the last to go. go and you know up until that point I had written on my mirror call your dad as a reminder to me because I was so scared to do it I'm sorry literally making me cry over here with the call your dad this is what I get for screaming. It's just the latex from my pussy. These are hybrid tears of joy and pain here. Those are all the tears. All your dad just got me. I wrote it in lipstick because I was so scared. I was so scared of what he wasn't going to say or what he wasn't going to remember or what wasn't going to be. I just was so fearful that I wrote it as a reminder on my mirror to just do it

every day. And this was during a time when my dad, after I had sort of had the conversation of him being able to, you know, letting him go, I had flown back to LA cause I still was hopeful that he was going to pull through. That's how delusional I was during this. Um, and I was very scared to call during that time because he couldn't talk. And I thought, what's the point?

And then I was like, what's the point? Well, could someone hold it yeah yeah get that garth brooks headset on chris gaines easy rider on your mouth where's my hardy's headset god damn it my daughter's calling one One of them. I'll take it two pieces at you, Chris. I'm going to fuck my hot mustard. Where's my vodka soda?

You know, he told me that and it just struck a chord with me. And I had a show that night and I still hadn't called my dad. It had been a couple of days and I thought about what John had said. And so, you know, earlier that day I had had an extreme panic attack for some reason. I just felt like this visceral anxiety. I called my sister. I said, you got to get to dad. And she's like, it's fine. It's okay. I'm like, no, you need to get to him. You have to go and be with him. I just had this tangible, visceral anxiety that came out of nowhere. I had a complete panic attack in the grocery store. I thought the world was

ending. I thought I was dying. And I told my sister she needed to get with my dad. And I went home, sort of calmed down, read John's message again, and just kind of thought about it. And I was like, I was too scared. And then I went and did my show and I come home late, you know, it was like midnight or something and like waited about an hour or so. And I just, I, it's like a new relationship. Like, I just want to talk to him. You know, I just wanted to like talk to him. And, and so around two, I finally got the balls to call his nursing home. And I called and this woman, Karen, answered. And I said, is my dad still with us? And she said, yeah. And I said, well, this is Jesse, his daughter, his favorite one. Can you just tell him I called and that I love him and I'm thinking about him?

And she said, I'll go right in right after I hang up with you and I'll go tell him. And she did that. I fell asleep and my sister called me 20 minutes later. He had passed away right after she said that to him. And I say that because John Heffron gave me such a gift and i say that because by sharing what your trauma is you give other people gifts that they didn't even realize they had yeah i didn't even realize that i had that had it not been for john heffron saying, hey, he can still hear.

Even though I told him he could go, he probably still was hanging on and fighting and fighting and fighting. And we have to show up for the people we love in the hour of their need and release them as much as possible. And I wasn't able to be there for either of my parents passing away, which is so hard. But if your love is strong, you don't need a physical presence because love permeates this stuff. Love permeates stuff. It's not in things it's in people and so as long as i felt that i felt peace and being able to say goodbye through somebody else you know through the voice of another woman but he knew it was me that's right and i have no rock unturned none most people don't have that no luxury i mean you're you're fortunate with it so fortunate i tell people all the time talk about their therapist and lithium i'm like love not lithium oh my god you just need love

you just need to be loved you don't need lithium no you don't need Lithium. You just need love. You just need to be loved. You don't need lithium. No. You don't need all these things. You just need some motherfucking love. You need love and you need to release. Oh, God. Well, listen. You got me over here a mess. I'm over there like my dad's dead. You're like, call your dad.

First thing I'm thinking is Stella writing that. And then I'm thinking about mom. Like, oh, you got me, girl. You got me. This was fantastic. Thank you so much. Thank you got me girl you got me this was fantastic thank you so much thank you i know this is gonna help a lot of people i hope so and it will if anybody needs information especially if you're in a place where it's getting expensive or you think you might be embarking on a home care check out we are hilarity for charity that's seth rogan and laura rogan's foundation we are hfc do amazing work. They give grants for family to help them support the cost and carry the cost of taking care of your loved ones. Alzheimer's Association has a lot of resources. There's a lot of independent chapters in each of your cities.

There's a lot of books and things out there, but experience is probably the greatest teacher when it comes to this sort of disease because it's not a textbook scenario. If anybody wants to DM me, I would be happy to help you if I have time to just let you know, share with you what's worked for me. But like I said, let it be their life. Let it be their existence as they know it music is your best friend marijuana is great um patience and forgiving yourself and make sure that you don't you know you try to realize that what's going on isn't them don't take it personally it's the disease they might get irate and say things and try and hit on you or right you know i mean my dad hit on my sister and i was like what the fuck he never lost it the whole way i'm the hot one that's how you knew he

wasn't rude my dad's sick we gotta shut down. He just tried to hit on Karen. And I'm not. I have a. Have you seen these quarantinis? I'm going to push up bra and ruch. Stick them in the fucking the cheapest home you got. Tip them out of that wheelchair. God damn it.

Please again plug everything you'd like um sharp tongue podcast check it out weeds day almost every wednesday we get a little stoned and we raise awareness and charity for alzheimer's also my youtube page check out mud water the code is jesse may mud for a discount on your mud. And have faith and lead with an open heart. I love you. I love you, too. This was awesome.

It really was. Please come back and let's have another sesh. I feel like I owe you $350 for this hour. You're good, girl. You're good. Just have another Coors Pure with me. Organic, but chill about it. Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com.

Thank you all so much. We'll talk to you all next week. Bye.