The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jessimae Peluso - Sex Ed

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Jessimae Peluso! Jessimae gets really deep and opens up about her trauma. I ask my guests to send me a list of their lowlights. Jessimae’s is important and should be seen by everyone: MANY “MeToo” moments in my life as a woman. From a young age: •seeing my first d*ck •Having my boss (at a fxckin pizza shop) make me grab his dick •Uncle abusing a friend of mine •I was raped the first time I had sex •Dating life after that was so painful •Searching for my self worth thru toxic people •Dating someone with BPD and having to get a restraining order SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel & watch full episodes of The Dew there every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story?? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: Go to https://​hellotushy.com/HONEYDEW ​and get 10% off your order and FREE shipping Now through Labor Day, Monday, September 7, TheraOne is offering my listeners a BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE for ALL TheraOne products. Go to https://theragun.com/HONEYDEW Get 15% off your order at https://BUYRAYCON.COM/HONEYDEW Hurry to https://upstart.com/HONEYDEW to find out how low your Upstart rate can be Go to https://hellofresh.com/HONEYDEW80 To get a total of $80 off including free shipping on your first box

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Theragun CBD, Raycon, Tushy, HelloFresh, and Upstart. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it from the night pan studios i'm ryan sickler ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media make sure you sign up for the youtube channel you get video every tuesday of all these episodes we've had some wonderful guests we've got a lot more coming your way um and make sure you subscribe to the patreon channel all right um it's called the honeydew with y'all and i am doing these type of episodes with y'all

okay so far we've talked to a girl who had two pussies uh we've talked to two people who've killed people in self-defense uh we've talked to a guy that died we have talked to yeah a guy that got stalked uh for a murder he did not commit i mean we have we have had some stories it's five bucks a month okay you guys always say hey do two a week i can't always do two a week but i am doing two a week now and the other one is on patreon it's's no tears or any of that bullshit. It's just five bucks, and you get an extra episode every week. So 60 bucks a year, and you get 52 episodes. You know what I mean?

It's like a buck and some change an episode. So that's the Patreon. And then the website is thehoneydopodcast.com. That's where you can subscribe to the Facebook page. That's where you can go get the merch. Okay. Night Pants Nation. Thank you so much. I hope you're comfortable. The night shorts are out there now. Y'all asked for these mugs. They were out of stock. They're coming. All of it's there. And as you know, I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. If you live here in L.A. or anywhere in the country, you can still get musical lessons. You can still get instruments.

You can get your online classes from L.A. musicians here. Go to santamonicamusic.com. Use the code HONEYDOO. They will waive the registration fee and give you a free lesson when you sign up for a package. All right? That's the Santa Monica Music Center. You know we got love for them. Now, you know what we do here.

We highlight the lowlights. And as I say all the time, these are the stories behind the storytellers. And today, very excited to have our storyteller here. I'm sure the Santa Monica Fire Department that saw her titties earlier is equally as excited. Ladies and gentlemen, Jessie maple is uh all right they didn't see all the titties you can't give it away off the jump they only saw something holding the titties they saw a flesh cut but from a distance that's the only way to look at titties you just have to appreciate them from a distance until you can earn being up close that's how you

have to do it so then the other dude across the street walking saw that yeah he just looked up and i said look at what's going on you were like oh summer today you are not a woman unless you flash the fire department you have to let them know you appreciate them and that's what i was doing you're a lot of fun girl um all right we have a lot to talk about we do i sent you quite a list you did before we get into it please promote everything you want to promote everything you can book me on cameo to break up with your boyfriend your mother your stepdad your cousin i'll sing you a song i don't show my tits or my butthole not yet i haven't gotten that desperate yet but i'm not counting it out because you know what some bitches are paying their rent with their

toes in their butthole and I appreciate the hustle. You can join my Patreon fan club page, The Fun House. It's on patreon.com forward slash jessimaypaluso. I am really available on Cameo. Have you done Cameos yet? No, they keep asking me to do it, but

I can't bring myself to do it. It's so much fun. I can imagine being you. It would probably be a lot of fucking fun. But me, nah. I've welcomed a lot of babies. Have you really? Yeah. And I've taught husbands the cunnilingus tricks.

Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about breakups? Is that real? I haven't done breakups. No. But you would? You would?

I think it's hilarious. You would call a dude and be like, listen. Sugar Ray? Sugar Ray did the breakup. That was like where Cameo became popular. Oh, that's what it was. I know. That's your job.

You got to break up with somebody. But I think it's hilarious. I appreciate other people who do it for sure. What else do I have? Oh, my Sharp Tongue podcast. You can listen to me on that. Bam, Bong and Movie. It's my YouTube show where I get stoned and watch a movie.

And I'm like the director's commentary. But I'm stoned and I've never directed anything in my life i just love movies and weed so that's available every friday a new movie comes out um what else i am instagram and i'm here with you you are here yeah i have a book coming out but that's gonna be a hot minute about my dad which we will get to yes i do want to definitely tell you about that so look i tell me let's start this because you have such an um a specific focus here that i really do want to talk about that but where are you from originally upstate new york syracuse all right upstate yeah and you said and what mom, dad, brothers, sisters. Yeah, I have a family. I'm the youngest of four girls from two different marriages.

OK. And at one point I had sisters from three different marriages going on between my mom and my dad and my mom and her new boyfriend and my dad and his daughters from before. So I've had every type of traditional family scenario within one lifetime. Like on Christmases, we'd go to literally about seven different houses. It was like the world tour of failed marriages. Merry Christmas! Not to all of us, by the way. Not to all of us not to all of us I mean baby's first Christmas how many fucking times are we gonna do this

so you were not your dad's first child no I was his last so you weren't even in the first group of your dad's kids the first failed marriage I wasn't even in the first failed marriage no i was second best always you're silver yes but of the silver group okay okay yeah i was the youngest of all girls my dad my mom and dad got separated when i was nine and divorced i don't

even know if they got divorced the dude's. There still might be a marriage floating around in there somewhere. But yeah, I was the youngest of four girls and grew up in a very strange upbringing where it just was, it showed me that failure is around every corner in relationships. But what did it, but what did it teach you? It showed you that, but what did that also teach you? Well, from a really realistic and psychological level, it taught me to be comfortable in chaos, which can be useful, but that's toxic. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. In chaos, when you've had moments of chaos in your life, does it slow down for you? Sometimes. Yeah. In chaos when you've had moments of chaos in your life like. Does it slow down for you? Sometimes. Yeah, it definitely.

I feel comfort in it. I've definitely felt comfortable in not that it comforts me, but I have felt comfort in places where people normally should not. Sure. So in a way, my, and I had plenty of love. I always say that if my parents didn't love me, I'd be on a pole. Like I was one, you know, or two parents who didn't love me away from becoming a stripper. But because they loved me so much, all of the chaos sort of balanced itself out.

That love is so important. And they didn't do the tug and pull that a lot of parents do in failed marriages where they use their children as a tennis ball in their emotional racket. But it definitely taught me that relationships should have some level of lacking respect, of lacking a healthy balance between two people. Because I witnessed a lot of disrespect between people, a lot of language that shouldn't be said between two people who supposedly love each other and have children and, and not just between my mom and

dad, between, you know, family, other family members. So it definitely taught me that the regular relationship is unhealthy and an unhealthy relationship is normal right so i struggled through that for years yeah and then you learn that's the hard part for me too is i learned to actually thrive in the chaos yeah once i realized well wait a minute if we can figure this fucking chaos out we could probably do even way better you know i'm saying like let's take that junior varsity to varsity well that's where comedy came in for me because i didn't know how to thrive in the chaos so i just found out a way to divert it but it's so interesting what you said you said i became and it resonated with me

as you said i was like huh you said I became comfortable in situations where most people weren't comfortable. And stand up is a situation where ninety nine percent of people on this planet probably would not be comfortable doing that. And for me, and I'm sure the same for you, it's no matter what shit I have going on in my life, when I am on that stage, it does not for for 15 minutes or an hour it does not enter my brain for us not even a millisecond not even a millisecond so it's it is weird and that's it's such an interesting thing that you say that like oh yeah that's what stand-up is it's exactly it's complete chaos is is the most chaotic yes thing in the world yeah you've got a room full of people you don't know you're're about to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets if you're being truthful with yourself,

if you're appreciating the art and the craft that is stand-up. You're wasting your stage time if you aren't divulging your demons. I agree. And that's not normal. The only time that that's normalized in society is with the therapist you're paying. And we've chosen to use a room full of strangers and youtube and you i need your laugh on my phone people keep asking people keep

asking me for a ringtone on my lap but is that a thing do people use ringtones anymore it's going that we're changing my ringtone they're coming back yeah we are going to and i'm going to be in trader joe's or someplace like is there a pterodactyl in here i thought i had a crazy laugh dolphin in the back um all right so i do want to get into this because you say as a young age so we're talking about you growing up and you say you have many me too moments at from a young age so yeah we i know you are comfortable talking about it so i'm not going to ask you if you are because i already did yeah but can we start with the first like what age are we talking about that this begins well it's such a strange thing because

the popularity of the me too moment was baffling to me. It was baffling on two different levels. One, that it took so long. And two, that there were parts of it that were being utilized for personal gain, which totally negates the truthful side of the Me Too movement. And as a woman, it's just, you're dodging dicks. You are dodging dicks on a daily basis. And then you're not only dodging dicks,

you're dodging dudes who are telling you to fucking deal with it. Just deal with it, huh, babe? It hurts. It hurts. Deal with it. That's what happens when you got tits in the pussy. You gotta fucking deal with it. I get to jerk off on this boss. Fucking deal with it. What do happens when you got tits in the pussy you gotta fucking deal with i get the jerk off on this boss fucking deal with what do you think you put on earth for you gotta

take care of a man's needs and then there's the other side of of men who are actually respectful and girl dads like yourself who don't speak like that or don't view women like that but you motherfuckers haven't been loud enough so from a young age you know the first dick i saw was on some retarded guy at how old are you i was probably 11 at the time i was going i was going to get milk for my mom oh my god where like to a little store new Syracuse, New York, Wilson Market. It might have been Wilson's Market. Are you walking? Are you riding your bike?

I'm walking. I'm walking. I got my little kids on. The shoelaces are probably. Are you by yourself? I'm with my friend Amy. My shoelaces are half tied because I'm fucking 11. I probably have some dirt on my knee because I was a tomboy.

You know, a little bit of sweat because it was a hot summer day in Syracuse and the sun was high, clear sky. Couldn't have been a more beautiful day. And Amy and I are skipping because we're innocent and we still have our hymens and we're just enjoying. We didn't start horseback riding until it was like 15. I mean, a deep sneeze will make that thing snap off. But for the most part.

But I mean, all was good in the world. Yeah. I was so beautiful. What's not, and I don't mean funny in a comical way, but you remember, this is the thing about trauma, every detail, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. My hymen was intact. My shoes were untied.

I have to put that in my book. Please, please put my hymen was still intact. You know, like when you buy food. It's such a specific. You buy like packaged vegetables and there's that layer of plastic you have to peel off. Yeah. It was still there. It was just there and it was happy and everything was just so beautiful and fun and nothing

had tainted my youth. Now we've got hymens and taints. Okay. That's fine. They're not at coachella this year hyman's and taints will not be at the main tent that's that's my next shirt just hyman's and taints like what the fuck are you talking about let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor thera one cbd from tight muscles tough workouts signs of aging to simply making it through each busy day,

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slash honeydew now let's get back to the dude oh my gosh and her and i were walking down the hill right adjacent to wilson's market and across the street came this creature of a man a behemoth big bulbous body frame and in a bowl cut and i could he was so far away but i knew he had drool on his face i just knew he did he just had the the sound of something that was drooling he had a red t-shirt on with red shorts and how old would you say older teenager it was hard to tell because he was he was definitely you know mentally, some sort of either a mixture of Down syndrome, maybe like a little fetal alcohol syndrome mixed in there. Like it definitely was a cocktail of mental retardation. And it was coming at us and screaming. And I thought he was injured.

Amy and I stopped and we're like, what is this? And he was like, like he couldn't speak, but he was trying to get to us. And he hiked up his shorts. Up? I know. Well. Which is an invasive way to show your teeth. But it also makes sense because he's not all there. He hiked up.

It's the first time in my life I've ever heard somebody hike up their shorts the fucking time let me show you about that girl

look at it look at it then it's just like no what are you gonna do it's just it's all hot inside your shorts

it's all hot it's so loose he hiked the red shorts up they were It's just... It's all hot inside your shorts. It's all hot. It's so loose. He hiked the red shorts up? They were... How close is he to you now? He's still running? He's probably a good 100 feet away. He had stopped once we both looked at him.

I think we scared him because he had a plan. I think he just woke up and was like, I'm going to show someone my dick. This was a maiden voyage for both of us. I honestly, I love, I love mentally challenged people. I love retarded, whatever you want to call it, whatever the word is. My mom was always around them and we had a kid she used to watch who'd come over and my mom taught, you know,

she was like a teaching assistant for mentally challenged people. So I was used to kind of being around them. And in this instance, she was like a teaching assistant for mentally challenged people. So I was used to kind of being around them. And in this instance, I was like, oh, he must need help. There's something wrong. He's yelling at us. And so we look and he stops. And he like, and then he hikes up his shorts. And it just kind of peeks out like a kitten paw under a door when you're in the bathroom.

Little pig paw. That's ridiculous. And I didn't know what it was. I was going to say, yeah, right? I had no context. You had never seen a picture or nothing. The first one you're seeing is alive in person. Alive in person from afar on the frame, the physical and mental frame of somebody who doesn't even understand the depths of what they're doing.

Sure. And it was, this was probably, you know, it was almost like as innocent as a young girl and a young boy or two young girls or two young boys experiencing something for the first time together. It just was in this weird, you know, juxtaposition of a grown, mentally challenged person and a young girl, which probably together we would have made a great couple. we probably were par for par pretty mentally you know uh you clearly remember everything about this did you yeah did you scream did you run what was your immediate reaction i honestly thought it was a kitten i thought he had a kitten i thought he had tucked a kitten into his shorts and that he like that it was falling i didn't know i honestly i hear you you're 11 my friend amy's like no because she had been around the dick already and i was like what what is it? Is that his kid? She goes, no, no, no. That's his penis. And then she screams.

And then we run into Wilson's market and you know, I still got my mom the fucking milk. But you know, I don't even remember if I Did Mr. or Mrs. Wilson say something inside? What's going on out there, girl? Oh, that's the Johnson's kid... Did Mr. or Mrs. Wilson say something inside?

What's going on out there, girl? Oh, that's the Johnson's kid. Oh, that's Gary. He's always out. Gary's always out. What is it, Tuesday? Yeah, Gary flashes the cat on Tuesdays. And that was my introduction. Listen, don't come up here tomorrow.

Don't come up here tomorrow. You don't want to see what Care Bear does on Wednesday you don't want to see what Care Bear flashes on Wednesday how many body parts are left so you know the other side of like

things like this do you go home and tell anyone? Do they explain to you? What happens? Who do you talk to about this? Well, that's what I was going to touch on. There's this conversation. It's like, why didn't you say anything?

When things happen to women, it's evolving now, thankfully. Why didn't you say anything? Well, we didn't exactly grow up in a society that made us feel comfortable, nor do we grow up with parents who had the self-awareness and psychological tools to communicate with their children about things in society that they may come up against and what to expect and how to sort of handle those things. So we didn't have the tools to talk about things like that happening to us. We just didn't because we were hushed for so long. You know, it takes a while for those

things to evolve. And I don't even think I don't even think I really told my mom. I might have told her there was like a weird guy, but I can't i maybe i'm remembering wrong but i i really don't remember having like mom there's this guy and i thought it was a cat but it was a dick here's the two percent like i don't remember baby it was skim i'm gonna need you to go back like i can't i can't see that again not twice in the same day mom and listen i can, I can't go tomorrow. Honey, did you get 2%? No, we need skim milk. You know I have issues with 2%. You can go tomorrow.

Not Wednesday. We cannot go tomorrow. You don't go to Wilson's on Wednesday. A Care Bear's just there squeezing his butthole. His dirt star's winking at me from across the street. That's definitely one of the days. I think I'd take the butthole over the penis at this point. I would.

I would, yeah. I would. But that was the first time i ever saw one and you know it was a a lot of the maiden voyages for a girl a young girl like seeing her first penis if she's uh heterosexual or first time having sex or like relationships a lot of those things were robbed of me yes they were forced on me they were scenarios that i didn't have a say in and so all these little milestones that females are should have in their life like you being a girl dad you don't want those things forced on them that they should experiencing they should be experiencing them

with some innocence and youth and respect so most of those milestones in my life were completely robbed and it was a situation where i just had to react so it really made me sort of have to view the world in this like well now i'm literally i have to dodge dick it made me defensive like you know i used to talk about it on stage i was like a dick ninja i had to like there were you know i'm chopping them left and right trying to like defend myself like some sort of kill bill bitch i mean i remember reading an article about a woman this is just a few years ago on the chicago subway and she's like look these guys i'm gonna get there's gonna be a guy that's gonna grind his dick against me for 15 stops and i know it and i'm used to it and i put

up with it i'm like god yeah and then and the other thing too like and another friend recently said to me she's like you know you don't even you don't even think twice when a woman walks past you on the sidewalk. Because if she were crazy or to attack you, chances are, unless she's some MMA chick that's going to whip my ass, I got it. Yeah, you got it. Right. Whereas she's like, I worry about every man that walks past me. I don't care what time of day. And then it hit me like, fuck yeah.

We've had to be on the defense for so, so long. Yeah. like fuck yeah we've had to be on the defense of everything yeah and i i mean when you walk in my shoes and my skin and my experiences i don't even see that because i've always been the protector of the woman i've been with right you know i'd also be like shut the fuck up i do not want to fight that yeah a lot of people don't want your mouth right now get the car started please let me just enjoy my crab legs bitch let. Let me just finish dinner. You got to start a fight. We didn't even finish our appetizer. Get that honeydew to go, girl. Get that honeydew to go.

Going to trash. Wrap it up. Can we wrap up the melon, please? So tell me you said you had a boss, you said. Yeah, I had a boss. I worked at a pizza shop in upstate New York. 16. So high school gig 17 one of my first jobs i did work at the grocery store wegmans when i was younger but i couldn't handle math what was the name of the pizza place uh i can't remember the name of it wilson's

wagmans what the fuck i know I don't even remember it. And how old was this boss? Oh, college or older? Older. Oh, really? Yeah. Like late 30s. Really?

16, 17 at the time. Yeah. So what happened? Well, I was preparing like salad stuff. I was in the back chopping up lettuce. And he used to buy the cheapest fucking ingredients, man. Like I get the margin. I was in the back chopping up lettuce and he used to buy the cheapest fucking ingredients, man. Like I get the margin. I respect the margin, but this

motherfucker was buying lechuga off the back of a truck that had been wilted. Even the flies were like, ugh. And just the ingredients were so bad. Everything about this place was screaming cheap and gross and I'm back there just chopping up the lettuce

he comes from his office and has a raging boner it is noon he's walking out like that he's just walking out in his cargo shorts and his stupid polo t-shirt and his shitty dad new balance sneakers with crappy socks and a boner at noon. And I had just barely healed from the, you know, the retard dick across the street from Wilson's market two years prior. Here comes another one packaged in these cargo shorts off a sale wreck from Kmart. And he just grabs my hand and puts it on his dick.

Like over his pants, over his pants and doesn his pants. And doesn't say anything. He goes, you want that? And I'm like, I don't know. Is it a new pizza topping? I'm just trying to find a cherry tomato.

I'm looking for the pepperoncini. I'm wondering where the fuck you keep the croutons. Okay. Okay. You're the best to laugh at this shit. I'm crying. I'm just looking for your fucking croutons. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our next sponsor, Tushy.

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Something's going on in that office. This dude walks out with a raging heart on grabs. It says, do you want that? I didn't even know first hard on. I didn't know what it was. Oh, yeah, because his was just flopping. No, his was across the street and dead yeah his looked like his looked like newborn dead kitten roadkill

and and this was and this is a grown man's boner grown boner a groaner right here right here right here like i i i i remember it and i just was like what the fuck what what what are you doing i'm just i'm trying to make your your pizzas i'm here just just as a job trying to save enough money so i can go to darien lake i i don't know what this is still didn't tell my mom nobody no because i was like but did you say anything to him or did he treat you differently I don't know what this is. Still didn't tell my mom. Nobody. No, because I was like. But did you say anything to him or did he treat you differently after that? Was he scared?

Was he defensive? Was he? Yeah, he kind of definitely treated me a little bit differently. Like he was trying to suck up to me and a little bit of like. He got scared. He got scared and trying to do like a little manipulative thing. And then he ended up hiring this dude who just got out of jail. They called him the ice cream man. He had just gotten out of jail because he had an ice cream truck that he was.

It was a really smart business plan. He had an ice cream truck that he made actual ice cream out of. But then he sold drugs to the parents. Yeah. Smart. Smart deal. Great summer gig. Ask for like the fucking, you know,

the dead cat. The bomb pop. How much you want, bro? Got two ounces of Colombian shit sitting right in here. He hired this dude and just was like,

the energy was so bad. I just, I made up some excuse to my mom why I couldn't work there anymore. You know, it was just something. And never told her?

No. Or anyone? She was going to find out now. couldn't work there anymore. You know, just something. And never told her? No. Or anyone? She was going to find out now. She'll probably find out now. Sorry, Mom. Did you have any friends you could confide in or any girls that you could share that with? Yeah. Or sisters?

I mean, still, Amy and I were still very, very close. And my sister was four years older than me. And at that point, she was just in college. So she wasn't really around that much. I didn't really have, you know, besides my friend Amy, I didn't really have a lot of, you know, people to confide in. Not that I didn't feel comfortable confiding in my mom. Her and I are very, very close. But this is also a time in an era where, like I said, that communication factor wasn't something that was a prominent thing in a family.

You know, maybe some people grew up like that, but not necessarily in this instance. And I also was scared. Like, totally. I was starting to get so much on the defense. I was like, is something wrong with me? Like, why? Why is this coming towards me? And a lot of women do that.

A lot of girls do that. They just assume that it's their fault. They take it on themselves. And I think I struggled with that a lot. And it just, you know, when I look at, especially just,

you know, sending that list of things that I sent to you when I was pooping, all this stuff. You said you were pooping when you read it. When I read it, I would feel comfortable talking to you on the phone. I poop. That's that really feels nice yeah thank you i would i appreciate that i want you to know that um i i don't think i've ever really looked at the spectrum of things

that i've done in one chunk like that and after i sent it i was like oh wow shit that listen i sent it to ash this morning uh and he was like holy shit i was like that's what i'm doing and saying man yeah then you know it's disturbing i mean just the bullet points of that you have the can we talk about your uncle that was the one you listed yeah yeah and how you tell me just it was you know, that was really difficult for me. It was somebody who was very close to me and was had a job that also was a very disturbing job to have for somebody who did what he did. What did he do? He ended up kind of abusing one of my friends for years.

So how old was he? I want to say he was like in his mid-30s to early 40s. And who's, how's your uncle? Mom's brother, dad's brother? Like separated, like through divorce type of thing.

But, you know, when I was growing up, we had this great place where we'd go to as a kid, this lake. And my mom sort of grew up there as a child. And so there was a lot of times in the summer. We'd go every summer as family. When my mom and dad were together, we'd go and we'd hang out for a couple weeks. And my uncle also had a place there. So a huge group of your family.

Yeah. And it was like a really of like a tradition of ours and even after my parents separated my dad loved it so much that we continued to go as you know my dad and i and my sister and my father just loved it there and even after through separations and stuff my uncle was still up there so we just we'd all hang out it was like the most like it's so strange for me to recall it because it was such an amazing time but also so tainted and uh muddied with what happened that it's hard to to think about it with fond memories without really knowing yeah or feeling what was going on and having that sort of taint the whole memory of it. But yeah, he, for years, was right under our noses.

So you would bring a friend up with you? Yeah, and it took one year. It was years of it going on, and then one summer. How old was she when it started? Maybe like... High school? Younger than that. yeah and you know one day her and i are just sitting there and she was like you know your your uncle does makes me do things to him and i don't know what to do how old is she at

this point i think she was like 15 or 16. She's been going on for a while. I've never really talked about it out loud. I might have told some friends about it, but that's the problem. Staying silent is a problem. And it's been a problem for so many people. Things like this imprint on people,

you know, things like this imprint on people, they change things like that changed the way, like the relationships I had, the trust, trust issues that I had. So to have to remain silent is torture. You know,

it's, it's, it's unfair. It is? It's unfair. It is unfair. It's not, because you should be allowed to heal. So. And this girl at least is brave enough to tell you. Yeah. It's taken her years,

obviously. Taken her years. Years. Not one time. Can you imagine being her and not wanting to ruin our time? Right. She's feeling terrible.

Everything going into it. just so fucked up on so many levels and and we couldn't so she tells me and i didn't even know what that meant because i hadn't been sexually active at that point i hadn't done anything besides she i mean was your your uncle's probably her first i mean there was there was there was some there yeah there was some stuff going down that as a dad you would probably want to punch or murder somebody over kill yeah that would be probably your you know your reaction that motherfucker be red i'll be like where's that security system um but i remember not even knowing what she was saying you know not even

it's just blowing your mind yeah well i just didn't know i didn't have anything to compare it to besides your uncle yeah so much yes i'm like i only know a kitten dick and a sausage sandwich sausage sandwich i'm like what i don't even know. I just remember being like, you know when people tell a joke or mention somebody who's prominent and you don't know who it is, but you're like, oh, yeah, whoa. You just act like you're shocked. Like you know what's going on, but you don't have any context. That's what it was. So what do you do? I was like, well, let's tell Emily because we were up at this camp with my sister.

Is that his? That you're from your first? My mom and my dad. First group. Yep. My only full-blood sister. And we sort of let her know. And I see that she knows what it is.

Because at that point, she was a hoe. No, I'm just kidding. I love you, Emily. No, she was a hoe. No, I'm just kidding. I love you, Emily. No, she was, you know, she was a grown woman. She was like, you know, in her late teens. She was, you know, a young woman at that point. She would definitely know what you're talking about. Yeah.

She got so angry. So angry and so concerned for my friend. And then she's like, we can't tell dad. Because we were there for another week. She's like, we have two choices. We leave and go home and deal with this right now. Or. I rented a jet ski.

I will lose all my deposit. We can't. I got three wave runners on hold. We got two paddle boats that we will not get our money back on. I got us the good pontoon with a slide off the back. The summer ice cream social is on Saturday. Oh, my God. We didn't know what to do.

It's so much pressure for young girls to try and figure out. I mean, just down to the minutia bullshit of we got another week at this summer thing. We can't say something like it's as if it's not hard enough just to come forward and say it at all. It's like, now you got to put vacation time on,

you know, that ain't getting paid for three of these days you know that the summer days are fading we only have six more days in summer school starts in two weeks so we stayed for another week all three of us

knowing that knowing and not saying anything but wait is he coming on to her and everything at this point or is she now fighting it now she's like hey she's got now that she's she's got security she's got security okay she's like she does feel comfortable telling him no now right okay and um i don't know if i'm gonna get any backlash from my family talking about this but it's been years and i really don't i don't give a fuck in the sense because i've had to carry that burden for so fucking long and it

affected and changed the fiber of who i am and i don't regret anything in life all the struggles i've had have shaped me into a resilient woman but not without going through some very detrimental infringements on my innocence. And I can also imagine seeing these fucking monsters, this kid at the market, this guy at the pizza place, and then all of a sudden it's in your family. Someone you trusted, someone you considered. And now it's in your house and on your vacation.

I imagine that's got to fuck with your mind so hard. We're not safe anywhere. No. And that's even before I've even been sexually active. That's even before I really had a real boyfriend. So all these things are shaping. Yeah, this is what you're this is your sex ed yep is just fucking predators right exactly exactly and i'll never forget

he comes over one day because we were all going to go to a drive-in movie and my sister and i were like what do we do she's like we have to play it as cool because if he suspects something's going on it'll change the vibe of everything and it'll blow up so if we want to try and have some control over this we got to sort of deal with it he comes over and there was another young girl in his front the front seat you didn't know passenger seat and she was you know young girl and we're like who's this he's like oh this is the neighbor's kid i said that she could come with us to go to the movie now any other scenario it would be innocent but with the new revelation yes it was a pattern of behavior

i didn't know then but now as an adult i understand from thanks to a lot of netflix documentaries and shows and information and articles that there's a grooming process that happens, especially when it when it's an older person, when it's like a pedophile situation. There's a grooming process that happens. Yeah, I didn't even know that term until like within the last few. Well, yeah. Last few years of having a child like, wait,, that's a thing and it's got a term? Like, yeah. Yeah, it's a whole behavior.

The whole Michael Jackson thing opened my eyes up to groom, what the term grooming is when Oprah's talking about it on there. Like, you're groomed. It's a deep, premeditated manipulation and a stripping of youth and innocence. Can we jump back for one second? You stay another week at this camp. Is this movie happening there, this drive-in?

Yeah, we just all go and drive to a drive-in movie, which sounds like it's the 1950s. During this camp? Like this week where you're all shutting up? Okay, so you haven't left and gone back home. No, we stayed. And we didn't tell my dad. And now there's another girl that, what the, that's super, yeah. I mean, that's weird.

Go ahead. It's weird because if it, if. You'd have been like, oh, this is Cindy or whatever. If my friend had been saying anything, we'd be like, oh, yeah, have her. The more the merrier. But knowing what we knew, everything at that moment changed. It all changed. All the, it's sort of like that retrospect

once i started to know in in she told us everything that was going on and you look backwards you're just like oh my god how was he do how how how the fuck did he get away with it when on jet ski rides when we were playing hide and seek when you know we would have movie nights right under our noses literally right under our noses and we had no idea and this is you know i have and i have i have empathy for him because I truly believe in my heart of hearts that he is a product of something so much more toxic, that that is his pattern of behavior. I have empathy for that because he's a product of a society that built that. He was created.

This isn't something that, you know, I truly believe that it's not, this isn't something that you know i truly believe that's not you don't just you're not like oh this is like i'm gonna try this out it's not like fucking honey melt honeydew melons yeah right right you know what i just don't think it's like that right so i have empathy for it but it it honestly you, you look backwards and you just realize how robbed you felt because it was all happening right under your nose. And all those memories, you're like, that was all lies. So when do you guys finally blow the whistle on all this. After we go home, the day we got back, she told her mom. We sat down with my dad and my mom

and we told them. Then collectively... Do you remember their reactions? Was it anger? Was it sadness? My mom wasn't surprised. Isn't that always trippy too when somebody's like, doesn't surprise me one bit? She had kind of forewarned us lightly once really she had kind of forewarned us a little bit

just to sort of you know keep our wits about us and you know be you know be strong and and sort of kind of know that something yeah I think it was like something had happened when he was younger with one of her sisters or something. And she's like, just because we were starting to hang out a lot with him before. And so she had said like one thing. And so when this became a revelation, she felt really bad. She felt hurt, sad for my friend, and just really concerned about us and making sure that nothing had happened to us. Right.

What happened to him, ultimately? Who confronted him? We went to the police. I remember this. We had to get separated, my friend and I, and give our stories or recounts of what happened and um he got community service that's it and he got to go back to his job teaching teaching oh man are you fucking kidding me how how does that because

even because even back then even back then but society even though we are an advanced society on a on a psychological level we are so behind we are so behind because we've allowed our egos to drive our ships for so long and egos can't drive the ship. It has to be yourself and you have to be self-awareness. And we need a society where people can feel comfortable and supported in their own individual demons. He's got demons. Demons.

Deep, deep demons. And he's giving those demons to who God knows how many other kids. Right. And society's failing him. Yes. demons deep deep demons giving those demons to who god knows how many other right yeah and society's failing him yes because we're we were raised in a just deal with it right culture just walk it off they all yeah exactly walk it off just walk the fuck off yeah it's fucking crazy like you i i feel i feel empathy for men because when you guys are, when you're boys and sons, when you're younger and you cry, usually nine times out of ten, the parents are going to be like, don't cry. Not why are you crying? Talk to me.

Tell me what's going on. Don't cry. You're a boy. Boys don't cry. That's traditionally been a conversation for young boys. And that's not fair. You're devaluing their emotions right from the start. So right from the start as young girls, we're taught that you're going to be dodging dick

and you have to be defensive and you can't trust people. And again, this is just from my experience. But from the jump, boys are taught that your emotions are not valid. And whatever you're feeling, whatever pain, hurt, or fear you have, it's not real. So tuck it down and go kick that ball. And then that's a rinse and repeat. That's the vicious cycle of upbringing

and rearing that we have with children. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. So then is he, are you guys just like, you're dead to us, you don't talk, he's out. Yeah.

But he gets to live a normal life and your poor friend has probably severe fucking trauma yeah it was it broke a lot of relationships i'll bet it destroyed a lot of families yeah the ripple effect was huge huge and still lasting um well are you comfortable talking about the first time you had sex yeah i mean yeah i mean i'm probably disowned by my family from that but sure just talking about truth truth hurts um yeah the first time my introduction is this entertaining for people yes are you sure yeah they're gonna be like oh my god no you're gonna get you're gonna get so much love from this um but the fact that you're going to get so much love from this.

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earbuds. Buyraycon.com slash honeydew. Now let's get back to the do. I, yeah, the first time I ever had sex, I was raped. God. How old were you? 16. This happened shortly after the revelation with my friend. So all this shit, and then here comes this now. How was this guy?

Say goodbye to your hymen. It was like when those magicians come up and they pull the tablecloth and everything stays. Well, the tablecloth got yanked. That's my hymen, and everything went to shit. What he a boyfriend were you dating someone i trusted and i yeah i was gonna say how old was he 19 okay 20 oh so he's rough dude and you're underage underage he was a bouncer at my uncle's club i used to sneak into the same uncle no no um my cousin actually my cousin is a bouncer at my cousin's club area 51 was the name of the club and you guessed it there is alien decor all over the he took the name and ran with it ran with it he had alien like blow up alien dolls spacecrafts was lighting up the dance floor

and it was one of the bouncers i was like oh this guy with the neck tat with a tribal neck tattoo he'll love me i can fix it he'll respect me he definitely won't shove his dick in my hand his dick in my hand um it's you know i started to display those behaviors of somebody who's been abused even though the abuse was a little bit indirect it still was abuse that i was witnessing and i made it very clear that i wasn't ready for anything physical. I just wasn't because all the stuff I had witnessed. I was like, this doesn't, sex looks fucking terrible. You either have to force it

on somebody or do it with a kid. Why are people even fucking? This is really scary stuff. That makes sense. I knew nothing about like, you know. You're still only 16 at that age. What the fuck do you know? Nothing. Nothing.

No fingering under the bleaches. Trying to parallel park. Alright. Just trying to learn how to parallel park right now. All I want to do is. I just wanted to get fingered under the bleaches. Is that too much to ask? That's all. By some kid with braces and chimpels? That's some guido battalion boss with gelled hair and a fucking Figaro link necklace.

God, I was robbed of so many good moments. I just wanted to get fingered by a sweating, weird teenager. I might have to go back. I'm going to be a teacher who fucks kids just to reliver you. Reliver you. That's what's probably happening. Yeah, and I made it very clear to him. I just wasn't ready for anything

physical. I didn't have a grasp on it and I wasn't developed in that way yet. There was one night where you're supposed to go to the movies. Carousel mall in syracuse new york shout out to carousel mall which is now destiny usa yeah destiny yeah the only it's the only it's destiny for covid that's all it's destiny for at this point i'm sure the mall's not even really kicking but it was it was a popular spot and we were gonna go to a movie and he's like

i want to show you something the movie the mall i lived really close to the mall it was like a mile drive and when he gets on the highway he goes on opposite direction i was like oh the mall's that way he's like yeah but i want to show you something and i was like okay so we pull to the back of this like now in syracuse all the businesses like 90 of them are houses and the business is like a nail salon or a bar. There's so many bars that are houses. It's like there's linoleum and a stripper pole. It's like, is this a kitchen?

No, it's a strip club. Okay, you want some chicken wings? What? I love Syracuse. I'm proud to be from there, but some of the businesses are questionable. And there's this nail salon, and we go... Get your titties out of my pantry. Come on now.

Get back on stage, girl. It's all dark. We go down this driveway behind this house that's a nail salon business. And in the back, there's a stairwell that leads up to the second level. And he's like, we get out of the car. And I said, what are we doing here? He's like, oh, this is my new place. And it just, the lighting, everything was wrong. Like that gut thing that happens, it happened the moment he turned the wrong way on the highway.

Because I just knew. I just knew that something was amok. And maybe my sexual predator spidey sense has always been on, and maybe I anticipate it in places where it's not meant to be anticipated. But then again, there is something about your gut reaction. Always. your gut is a brain wrong it's the hardest thing to do in life is to listen to your gut we listen to our hearts our fucking dicks and pussies we listen to our emotion with

this and this that it's the gut is always it's never wrong it's never wrong never it's it literally is the center of our being like there our gut is brain. It communicates with our body and our mind and our heart. So you should always listen to it. And I knew it when we got on the highway and the lighting of this back lot was lit like some Eli Roth horror film. Like there might as well been like a neon sign that said rape and an arrow pointing to the door. Should have just been like, it couldn't have been any more clear. And I had nowhere to go.

I had, I should have ran, but I didn't know. I didn't know where, I just was like, okay, maybe this is, maybe I'm just overthinking the situation. And we go up the stairs and we open the door

and it's outfitted and furnished like a red roof in. It's just stark and stagnant and the lighting is fluorescent and there's not a touch of life in it. Then all the colors are muted and brown and it just felt so devoid of love or life. And he's showing me this like kitchenette bullshit. It's like a roach in the sink. And isn't this great? And I'm like, this place is in my mind. I'm like, this place is where a rape's going to happen. I mean, I didn't think that, but that's what it felt like. It felt just dark and empty. And he's like, why don't you try out the bed? And right then I was like, oh, fuck. I said, well, why don't we just go to the movie? He's like, no, try out the bed and right then i was like oh fuck i said why why don't we just go to the movie he's like no try out the bed and i was like no i don't really i don't feel comfortable and he's like let's

let's just try it out like just trust me he's like and did that whole thing like don't make me feel bad and like that manipulative thing and you know you really want to make me upset i'm showing you this new place and doing that whole like, you know, reverse psychology thing. You're the bad guy. You're the bad guy. And I sit down and he just forces himself on me. And he's a big, big dude. Big dude.

Big fella. Fat neck. Thick, thick neck. Couldn't. There was no fighting him off. There was nothing. There was no fighting him off. There was nothing.

And I don't... Your being in your brain, in your body, has such an amazing way and so many important processes to help you deal with trauma. I've heard this before, where you really just have an out-of-body experience and you're gone, but your carcass is there. You're gone. I don't even know where I went.

I don't remember it at all. That particular time. But you're not kicking and fighting. Initially, I tried, but there's no fight. I was so exhausted that I couldn't. There's no more fight in me. And that's when you just sort of like let go and let it, it's easier to let it go and let it happen than it is to fight.

I don't know how long it lasted. I just remember laying there and feeling so numb and cold. And I remember he said something, he was in the bathroom and he was just like, oh, I haven't seen that much blood in a long time. Oh my God. And I just, I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what that meant.

And I was like, did I die? Maybe I died. And he brings me home. We didn't even go to the fucking movie. Sucks. I think it was a horror movie. And those are my favorite, but I guess I was a star of my own can't say i was never in the movie he said that's terrible

oh my god it was it was one of the only times in my life where I can't remember what happened and I don't remember what I felt during that time. But afterwards he dropped me off home and I saw what the, the blood part that he was referring to. And I called my friend cause I didn't know. I was like, I don't know what this is. And, and she was like, that's what happens when you have sex for the first time. You broke your hymen. I was like, that motherfucker. You broke that? I was like, well, how do I fix it? She's like, no, it's gone. I was like, oh, shit. You can't. It's not even like in a relationship where I want my Alanis Morissette you ought to know give my Dave Matthews shit back

give me my crash into me back I didn't know it was rape right then but my friend Tia really helped me during that time acknowledge that that's what it was. Yeah. She really helped me. And did you report him? I went to my health teacher, Mrs. Latonin.

And she was this total hippie with like this long hair and these thick ass glasses. And she had a really nice soft voice. And she had a way of making kids feel included. And she was a great health teacher and she talked about the butthole in a very poetic way. She made those weird slides, all like the onion, you know, the infections you get. You know, like sex slide show you get.

They're like, here's what happens if you have sex and it's just a pregnant girl and a blooming onion that comes out of your asshole. And you're like, well, great, I feel prepared. She had a great way of making that fun. And she was one of the only teachers who I felt comfortable going to. And I told her what happened. And this was the next morning. And she told me what to do and gave me numbers of people at like Planned Parenthood and recommended that I go and

at least get some testing done because it was unprotected and recommend that i talk to my mom about it it took me two years i think to talk to my mom yeah it took me two years he messaged me years later on facebook i think i still have the message yeah was that the only time you did you like not go to that club ever again? Like, was that it? Where did you ever see him again? I saw him, I think, for another week after that. And the last straw was I was hanging out with him.

And I'm sure a lot of people are listening like, oh, this is a problem. You should have just ran. You don't know. Yeah, you can't. You have when you're 16, even as an adult, you don't know how you can't you have when you're 16 even as an adult you don't know how you're going to react trauma is on a molecular level there's no way to you can have all the tools and your cute little gauze kit and your in your buck knife and a fucking bow and arrow but until you're in the moment in the battle you don't know how you're going to react you don't know what those

scars of that war what they're going to look like how they're going you don't know how you're going to react. You don't know what those scars of that war, what they're going to look like, how they're going to affect you and how you're going to respond to that. There's no way to truly prepare for that type of trauma. So I stayed with him for a week because I was terrified and I didn't know what to do. And I was at his house with his friend who always used to defend me because he was like this you gotta this this is not right for you this person and this particular day um he had said something to me he he said something really derogatory and i was so mad and i like shoved him and then he grabbed me by my neck and picked he was huge he was a big motherfucker grabbed me by the neck and shoved me up against the wall by my neck damn and said if you ever touch me again

i will fucking hurt you real bad and was choking me and then he let me down and then i left i left i don't even know how the fuck I got home. That was it. I was done. I didn't report him. I should have. I think any girl who's going through shit like that, you have to report. That is the only thing that really changes.

That's right. And makes a difference. What did he say when he reached out to you? Acknowledge any of the behavior? Something along the lines of, you know if i did anything that was bad i was in a really messed up time nothing specific nothing indicating that it was rape that he did rape me that he was physically abusive towards me nothing like that. But it was, I have the message somewhere. It didn't really give me any closure. I went to years of therapy. You know, I still, I have, I have a amazing therapist and

personal coach that I go to now, Breck Koston, who has helped me get through a lot in therapy in New York that I've done for years. But it was, you know, it's something that only up until about five years ago could I recall without bursting out into tears. Because those wounds, unless you deal with them, are so fresh and they're so palpable. And that's, I'm such an advocate for finding some treatment that works for you.

I'm such an advocate for finding some treatment that works for you. I'm such an advocate for that. And feeling, not normalizing rape, but normalizing the conversation around things like this that happen in women's lives. Anyone's life. But I can only speak from the female perspective. And from my experience, it's been a very tumultuous relationship with the world that I've had. And these milestones having, you know, the first dick I see and first dick I touch

and first dick I feel not be under my control. Or approval or anything. Or somebody I love. Yes love yes someone cares about you yeah forget you caring about them right these guys didn't give a fuck about you you're nothing yep god so that you know so can i ask you then when the first time you actually really did have consensual sex and and what that was like for you were you scared were you nervous or or was it the other way were you so thrilled to finally be with someone that you know that cared about you and you had control of the situation you know it took me a couple of

years to get there to feel comfortable with a person to to enjoy sex, to realize that a sexual relationship could be healthy, could be respectful, could be consensual. Um, it was, yeah, one of my first boyfriends who I'm still friends with. It was an amazing individual. He, he, he, that was like one of the first relationships that was based on pure respect and love and openness and you know he truly made me if it weren't for him I don't know what how the rest of my dating life or personal life would have gone because he really was like this beacon in that point in my life because i i was 18 19 and i decided that i wanted to try and do stand up or get out of the city because all this stuff was happening i'm like i i gotta go maybe it's the town is it the fucking water is this happening in flint michigan maybe there's too much Legionnaire's disease in our goddamn tap water. I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to get the fuck out.

So, yeah, I met this guy who was a mutual friend and I moved to Boston. And that's where I, you know, had my first love and respectful relationship. And that's where I found comedy. And I think those two, the juncture of those two things, feeling supported and having a healthy relationship allowed me to discover I had some talent, allowed me to spread my wings a little bit and feel safe. Yeah. And have the ability to get weird and be the goof, get that girl back. An outlet. Yeah.

To really talk about it and let people hear from you for a fucking change listen to the shit that's been going on it was a form of therapy it was a form of taking back control because you're in control of that whole room and everything that's said and everything that's heard so your power is all in your hands

I think that's why I loved it so much the relationship was respectful the relationship was a cohesive thing between me and the audience. And I was able to be who I was and feel safe in the room. And I think that's why I fell in love with stand up so much is because coming off of all those experiences. here's this very intimate relationship that doesn't have anything to do with sex. And I feel safe. And not only do I feel safe, I feel free. So, you know, between that and therapy, I really dug deep to try and heal myself. And there were so many guys and, you know, there's girls that are like, well, why do i keep dating assholes because you're the asshole that's you are the asshole and that's a you are the common denominator in all of your relationships so if there are problems then yes at some point you gotta stop

being like well if you would do this or you would do that if you have to look at yourself and be like all right i am a huge part of this equation and what the fuck do i bring to the table i'd like to go figure that out and i say all the time too like you're never going to be perfect but the goal at least for me is to minimize the frequency of those mistakes of and in the impact of them as well down the line you know like to try to eventually get as good as you can with that um because it's crept into all of our relationships after that even to adulthood well i want to do you mind telling about the one relationship with bipolar oh yeah disorder yeah that that was a that was a wild one um i truly think you date at the level you think you deserve oh i think you date the type of relationship you think you're worthy of and the person who's in your life is reflective of how you feel about yourself

and that's what i learned from my relationships is i didn't go, why, why is it? Why are all these assholes out there? I said, why do I keep attracting the assholes? I'm the flame, but that's maturity and growth. And I mean, a lot of people don't get there.

Well, it takes a lot of fucking money to get there. It sure does. A lot of time and money. Tears, time, money. Tears,

time and money. To like, to relive that, that realization, time, money. A lot of tears, time, and money to come to that. To relive, yes. That realization, even saying it still. When did it hit you? What age? It didn't hit me until my- When I walked in here.

Right when I just said it, right now. Six minutes ago, when we start. It took me a long time for that, too. Longer than I care to to admit or even your ego just boy ego's a mother ego's a motherfucker and i've said it before it comes in the way of the self and until you really get down to the true essence of who you are you will constantly be leading with your ego and it's not to say that ego isn't a part of your life it's a health it's certainly yes it can be certain you know levels but it also you can't have it be your life. It's a healthy within certain levels,

but also you can't have it be the way you lead in the day. You really have to strip yourself down and ask in the morning, how am I occurring in the world? What am I doing to hold myself back? And how can I start to live in a way where I live more fluidly, where I'm disciplined but also very soft with myself. It's that balance between being soft with yourself and being disciplined that truly strips the ego away and you find your true self. And that relationship, the last relationship where I ended toxicity,

where I was like, this is enough, was the most important relationship I've ever had in my life because of the danger, how dangerous it was. I don't know if anyone's ever dealt with somebody with borderline personality disorder. Oh, borderline. Not bipolar. I said bipolar. Bipolar and borderline, they're very similar on the spectrum of, you know, mental disorders. They have a lot of crossover and they're really

hard to diagnose and they're really hard to treat. Years of psychotherapy and medication, sometimes medications that don't work because SSRIs are so dangerous and they don't always have great effects and the side effects are detrimental. And sometimes the side effects will exacerbate the symptoms of the mental illness. So it's this big kaleidoscope of fuckery that if you're just a girl who wants love, it's really hard to deal with. And he was he was somebody who was spoke a really good game. You know, he had all of the right things to say in the beginning. And he came in a really nice package and found me at a point in my life where I had an opening and snuck right in there. And a lot of the times people with borderline personality disorder, they will suck your life force. They gravitate towards people like me.

I'm a bright light. I'm the fucking magic. I know that. And that's what he was trying to strip from me. All of the light and the magic and trying to separate me from people in my life. That's what they do. They try and isolate you. They try and separate you from your happiness and your truth, separate you from people in your life. And then they slowly start to break you down to sort of try and make you as sick as they are and start to make you question yourself

and make you go, am I the one who's fucking this all up? It's a really scary relationship to be in. And I will say this, anybody listening, I realize that it's, you know, I'm glad we're talking about mental illness now

and culture, but it is not your job to save somebody. They have to save themselves. Amen. You cannot save somebody. Amen. And sometimes, this one was a hard one for me to learn too, some people don't want to be saved. No.

So no matter how much you're trying, it's not that you're doing a bad job. It's that they just, they don't want to be. They don't want to be. They don't want to be. And when they're ready to be, they need to go do that for themselves. Yes. Yes. And sometimes people have-

That's 100% right. 100%. Sometimes people have diseases that don't allow them. Yes. And sometimes people have. That's 100% right. 100%. Sometimes people have diseases that don't allow them to know they need to be saved. There's no connection there. Right. And it got dangerous. You know, he broke into my home. Jeez.

He tried to steal all my shit and my dogs. Your dogs? Yeah. You got a restraining order? I got a restraining order i got a restraining order on valentine's day because i love you because i love me mother yeah that getting a restraining order on valentine's day that's the best valentine's day gift you could ever give your fucking day i fell in love with myself i walked out of that courthouse i was just like

wow done this is what it takes sometimes it takes you know you can't have a breakthrough without a breakdown and that was my that was one say that again you can't have a breakthrough without a breakdown yeah that's you know right from from my personal coach to your ears you have to be broken all the way down in order to change you have to i say all the time you have to sit in your shit for a little while figure out what the fuck is going on and then get up excuse me and get out of it you can't stay you can't stay in that look we're gonna stop right there that is the perfect fucking place to stop you're to come back. I want to do an entire episode talking about your dad and everything.

I know a little bit about that. Yeah, please. We have to. Yeah, we probably should have different ones. You're coming back a bunch. I would love to come back. But before you leave, I told you at the top, advice to your 16-year-old self. After everything you just told us and the age you were at the time of these things,

what would you go back now with the foresight and tell yourself? I would tell myself that you are love. And all the love you have is within yourself. And that you're worth everything that you've ever imagined. And that no one can strip you of your truth your dignity or your self-respect besides you and to go get fingered under those bleachers by a sweaty high school kid the way god intended oh i love you that you. You're fucking awesome. Thank you.

Thank you. I mean, you gave a lot here. Thank you. I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to do that. Absolutely. I appreciate you having me on and having a platform to talk about it. Yeah. Look, come back and tell more.

I know we're just scratching the surface. Unfortunately, I know. Yeah. I know. But will you please promote whatever you want one more time? Check out my sharp tongue podcast it's available every week itunes stitcher soundcloud google play also i have bong and movie bam on youtube comes out about every friday and you can what else check out my patreon club the

fun house the fan club patreon.com forward slash jesse may peluso and i put exclusive videos there that you can only get there awesome oh and you can call me yeah you can call me 513-916-0930 and i'll you leave me a message i'll play it on the pod i love it thank you seriously thank you very much this is awesome you're a good dad thank you and a good friend that's nice you are too thank you call me sometime when you very much. This was awesome. You're a good dad. Thank you. And a good friend. That's nice. You are too. Thank you. Call me sometime when you're pooping, girl. I will. I will FaceTime you.

I don't know if we're ready for that. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media. RyanSickler.com. Talk to y'all next week.