The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joe DeRosa - DeRosaDew

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Joe DeRosa! (Taste Buds, Joey Roses) Joe Highlights the Lowlights of being adopted at 9 days old, growing up with Catholic parents, and struggles with relationships. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: How to Buy a Home Podcast -Go to https://www.HowToBuyAHome.com and make this the last year you rent! Everlywell -Get 20% off an at-home lab test at https://www.Everlywell.com/HONEYDEW 

Philadelphia, I'll see you August 18th through the 20th. Austin, Texas, September 2nd through the 3rd. That's Labor Day weekend. Vancouver, finally, September 15th through the 17th. And Edmonton, I'll be there September 29th through October 1st. Get your tickets to those shows and all shows on my website at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all.

We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryan sickler.com and ryan sickler on all your social media thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support i'm telling you we got episodes coming the community continues to grow if you are watching on youtube please just hit subscribe it's a free way to help the show and it definitely fucking helps us all right and if you got to have then you've got to check out the Patreon. It's called The Honeydew With Y'all. All right?

It's $5 a month. If you sign up for a year, you get over a month free, and I'm highlighting the lowlights with y'all. If you or someone you know has that story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com, and hopefully we'll get to do an episode together. You're also getting The Honeydew a day early. You're getting it ad-free, and you're getting it at no additional cost. All right? Dates. Tour dates keep running on, man.

Thank you for coming out, guys. Philly, August 18th through the 20th. Austin, Labor Day weekend, September 2nd through the 3rd. Vancouver, we're finally. I think this is like two and a half years in the making here uh september 15th through the 17th now you guys know what we do over here we highlight the low lights i always say that these are the stories behind the storytellers i am very excited to have this guest on here today first time on the do ladies and gentlemen please welcome joe de rosa welcome

to the honeydew jo Joe. Thanks, buddy. Thank you for being here. Good to be here. This is long overdue. No, it's not. It's not long overdue. It is, though. No, I mean, you started this three years ago?

That was right when I moved back to New York. Oh, you went back. Okay, that's when you went back. So it's literally the exact. And then it was the pandemic this whole time. So actually, we're kind of right on. This is my first trip back to LA since I moved to New York. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

I didn't know that. I got here yesterday. This is the first work-related thing I'm doing. You hit me up. This week. Thank you. Thanks for considering me. So we're right on time.

All right. Yeah, yeah. Plug, promote everything you want to plug. Well, actually, this month I'm going to be in Atlantic City at the Atlantic City Comedy Club. And next month I'm going to be in San Diego. And then I'm at the American Comedy Company. And then I'll be at the Dead Crow in October. Anyway, I got a bunch of dates coming up.

Check me out live, please. This is like me being back on the road basically for the first time in three years. Oh, you haven't really been rolling at all? No, no. I'm going back out now. I'm coming up. Right when the numbers are going up.

Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck it. You waited all that time and they're spiking again. There ain't no way to win. Fuck it. You know what I mean? There's no winning number.

You just got to choose your losing number. So this is it. I'm out there now. But no, come on out. I'm doing my new hour. It's called I Never Promised You

a Rose Garden. It's a full hour of hopeless comedy. Anyway, jodorosainfo.com for tickets and info and all that stuff on shows. But also, I opened a bar and sandwich shop in New York City with my dear friend Paul Italia.

It's called Joey Rose's. It's on the Lower East Side. It's a social club. It's affordable drinks. It's killer sandwiches. Eight sandwiches for eight bucks a piece. Plus, we got other things on the menu. That's cheaper than Subway.

Yeah, dude. That's the whole game. You know what actually you know it's funny it's american gangster i was just watching that when he gets the pure heroin and he's like we're going to give them double the product at half the cost right and i was like oh that's what we're trying to do with the sandwiches so uh so uh for the pure uncut sandwiches and cheap drinks come to to Joey Rose's, please, man. The influx, outpouring of support from the comedy community has been amazing. From the neighborhood, it has been amazing. From New York, it's been amazing.

Just come through. We're open Tuesday through Sunday. We open at 12 p.m. every day. It's a great time. It's a place you can go to and hang. It's a cool vibe, everything. JoeyRosesNYC.com for all the info there. And also if you want to order online and all that stuff.

Have you and Sal debated on any of your sandwiches yet? No, but Sal, it's funny. Sal, because we do Taste Buds together, a podcast. And Sal and I, we have a real kinship with food. I know. I watch. Yeah, that's where our friendship was born. We were pals.

We were friends. We were teetering on true friends. But when we started to talk about food. You're a grown man. Say that. The food is what it is. I know. It's just, you know. It's funny to hear a grown man say something innocent, right?

Teetering on true friends. The real friendship kicked in when we started to talk about food. Our first, the first episode we ever did was chips ahoy versus oreos and that was a real heated argument we actually had and when we were having it i remember thinking like this is where we become friends like like we're screaming about cookies right now like and it's not as a joke like we're really heated yeah i'll watch you guys yeah Go at it. So a year later, two years later, we were away. Sometimes we would take vacations and stuff together. And not just me and him.

A bunch of us. But we were making breakfast, and we started arguing about bagels and that was our second episode and in the middle of the argument i mean we were fucking heated and we were bringing everybody in the house in on it and then he just in the middle of it he was just like do you think this is a podcast and i was was like, yeah, I think, yeah, right? And I remember this. This is so funny, these friendship moments you remember that bring you such joy, right? We were staying at, we were at a house out in the Hamptons and we had a pool at the house. And as soon as he said that, we started immediately, we went into full

work mode. Like, what is it called? What is it called? What is it called? And we were sitting in the living room. It was 10.30 in the morning. We're going back and forth. Nah, that, that, nah.

What about this? Nah, nah, nah. And he just looked at me and he goes, shouldn't we be discussing this with an ice cold beer in the pool right now? And I was like, I just lit up. I mean, that's how you should work. Yeah. And he walked across the room and hugged me. And he said, don't you ever move to LA ever again.

And we went down to the pool. And we talked about it all day. And at 4.30 PM, I went, taste buds. And everybody was like, dude, that's it, I think. And we were like, all right, I think that's it. And then that's how it started. I could watch you argue over a grilled cheese and a peanut butter and jelly all fucking day. Thank you, man.

Thank you. Well, thank you for being here. And something interesting, I ask everybody to come on with stuff they'd like to talk about. And then where it goes, it goes. But yours starts with adoption. And do you talk about that in your standup? I had, I did, I have. I sort of moved past it

because the stuff that I had to say about it, it's an interesting thing. I talk about it very indirectly. A lot of what I talk about, excuse me, in my act, when it comes to me personally stems from adoption uh the stuff i talked about that actually dealt with it head on was not a ton because i was adopted at nine days old nine days yeah it was a pretty clean scenario uh you know there just wasn't a lot there i've always known my parents they're my parents parents. I love them dearly.

You're talking about your biological parents? No, no, no. My fake parents. My friend. The people that gave their lives for you. I heard Brian English. Sacrificed for the stranger. You're nine days old, but you're still a stranger.

The funniest jokes about my adoption, my friends all made, so I can't even make them because they're not mine. But like my friend Brian English used to always go, I'd be on the phone with him and I'd be like, Brian, hold on, my dad's calling me. And he'd go,

fake dad, which always made me laugh. And then Russ Meneve, one of the funniest comics ever, one of my, I love the guy so much. He used to go, hey DeRosa, you think,

you think your real parents are somewhere wiping their brow at the bullet they dodge getting rid of you? You don't say that. You go, hey DeRosa,

do your adoptive parents, you think they knew what a scumbag they were inheriting? All right, wait. Which is the funniest thing ever. I love it. You know, my pain and suffering has been from my dad dying at 16, and I have a friend one day just dropped it on me.

He's like, hey, Ryan, your dad's still dead, right? And, dude, I'm telling you, I fucking almost pissed my pants. It's so funny. Like, the still dead just is so good. he's like hey ryan your dad's still dead right and dude i'm telling you i fucking almost pissed my pants so funny like the still dead just is so good it's so good it's and with the genuine delivery you know one of my best pals scott um in my old literally my oldest friend in the world i've known him we we our parents met because they moved into the same suburban neighborhood and my mom met his mom when they were walking us in our strollers. No way. And then when they started to hang out with me and Scott as babies. And then as we got older, we kept hanging out.

So he's literally my oldest friend in the world. But his dad died when he was 12. And I make any fucking joke I can about it. Especially, we love to play beer pong. And we talk a lot of shit. And if I'm against him, I'm always bringing up the dead dad. Every chance I can. it. Especially, we love to play beer pong, and we talk a lot of shit. And if I'm against him, I'm always bringing up the dead guy. Every chance I can. You should.

That's what it's all about. Yes, that's what this show is all about. So what was the situation? Do you know now? Was your biological mom young? Did they know that they were giving you up to this specific family? Or were you in a hospital and you were adopted? How did it all happen for you?

Okay, so I actually know more than I'm supposed to know. Because I guess they used to be a little more fast and loose with the information. But I know that one of my parents was Egyptian by blood. And I know that one of them was Italian by blood. But you don't know which? Don't know which. Okay. At least that's what we were told.

I did those DNA tests later and found out that I have no, at least according to ancestry, Italian blood in me. It's all North African and Middle Eastern. It's all Arab blood. Really? Basically, yeah. So one of them could have been Italian, but they could have meant he grew up in Italy, but by heritage, he's actually Egyptian or whatever. So I knew that much. They actually told my parents the hospital I was adopted.

Who's that? Or that I was born in, I mean, excuse me, the agency. And they weren't supposed to? I mean, you could trace your parents easily at that. Now, the hospital, I believe, closed, which is a running theme in my life. The hospital I was born in is no longer there. The grade school I went to is no longer there. The high school I went to is no longer there.

And my college dissolved my major after I graduated. So the universe does not want me to know my past. Clearly. Like clear, and it starts with adoption. It's a very odd thing, right? But even with knowing that information, I never really had an urge to go try to figure out who they were. You've never met them? Never. Oh, no.

Oh, really? Oh, no, no oh no no no no all right so wait a second so let's go back nine days old joe was your name joe derosa are you born joe derosa no no that's the name that you don't i didn't have a name so for nine days you're nameless yeah dude you gotta do something with that nine days you're nameless nine days nameless and then and then is it the derosas who adopt you okay so they come in a married couple my parents were married so this is a very interesting story my parents are married uh they still are my dad's a deacon in the catholic church no yeah yeah which is a step below priest yeah my mom was a Eucharistic minister at one point, but they're religious people.

They're not shitty about it, but that's their deal, and I respect it. They weren't in those positions when they adopted me, but they were religious because of their upbringing or whatever. So they were pretty much following the Catholic rule book. They were on two adoption lists. They were on a church curated adoption list. And then they were on a secular list from some outside organization. The church called them one day and said, we want you to remove your name from all lists except for the church list. And my parents said, why?

And they said, because you need to believe the Lord will provide. And they said, okay. And they hung up. And secretly they were like, no, we're not doing that. We want to adopt a baby. The next day, the secularist called them and said, we have a baby for you. No way. So had they done that, I not.

You don't go to them. Yeah. So who knows so you know it's kind of a wild thing yeah you know i i mean it's it's not more wild than the chances of your sperm fertilizing the egg and all that shit but i mean it's as far as well as ingrained as they are in the catholic way it's that's a big deal for them to commit to saying, fuck that, and then luckily the next day. So what happens then when the Catholic Church finds out that they get you? They just, I think, as far as I know. Didn't come from their list.

I think they just quietly removed from the Catholic list, and that was the end of that. It's not like you can get sued or something. You know what I mean? You're not accountable. But they weren't frowned upon and showed up at the church. I don't think it was that personal. No. I think it was a much broader list for the diocese.

Diocese? Yeah, diocese. Diocese. For the diocese. I don't think it was like their next door neighbor priest. You know what I mean? Like it was pretty pretty broad all right now your parents do they have any biological children before you do they adopt any other kids

they were unable to have kids are you their only child yeah yeah okay yeah so being that they are religious you know and i don't know how seriously she means this, but my mom has often referred to them getting me as their miracle and all that, you know, because that's the way religious people tend to talk. Whether or not she believes it's truly a miracle, I don't think so. But I do think she truly does think like this was the Lord's plan to bring us together i don't believe in that sort of thing but um but i will say if when you look at the evidence it is kind of eerie you know like the way the connection happened look i was raised catholic my grandmother all her sister we have a nun well she passed sister carmina so it was very catholic in my household the whole time we're all

fighting against it like we i don't want to go to a fucking church on sunday they're going saturday saying a rosary i'm dropping her off picking her up you know uh hell mary or whatever it is our father at night you know the beads and all that and um yeah i i just nothing made me go against the Catholic Church way of thinking more than them preaching it to me. Yeah. So what I'm getting at is, I know this sounds very LA or California, but I'm no fool. There is definitely something bigger than us going on. Yeah. something bigger than us going on yeah do i believe in this faceless nameless sexless

languageless you know entity that governs only this one tiny fucking particle of dust right in the entire fucking universe right now i'm i don't believe what i was taught by those people right right but i do believe in in a higher if we want to say power, sure, love, whatever you want to call it, there's definitely something bigger than us going on. I just don't believe it's that bullshit. No, that's funny you mention that, because I'm just now starting to re-explore spirituality, not in a organized religion sense, but I am listening to some people of the cloth and their books and things like that. And it's funny because you have, at least I have to, it's kind of like AA. You know, like some people go to AA because it helps them, but they have to look past the God

part of it. Right. You know what I mean? And go, I'm here for the bigger idea. That's kind of how I look at religious stuff now. I'm listening more for the connection between meditation and prayer and how to connect to the universe and how to surrender yourself to the idea that none of this really matters and there's more to it. And look, it's easier to say in stomach, the more prosperous you are, the easier it is. You know, so it's, you know, I would always sort of hit a wall with a guy like Deepak Chopra and I don't, I'm not knocking him him I think he's a pretty brilliant guy on many levels um and I do think he's got a good heart but like I'd see him and he'd have like kind of gold diamondy glasses talking about like surrender yourself you know and I'm like

well goddamn dog you got gold glasses on that's're going to look down on me with your gold glove. But then I feel like when I say it, it's arrogant to somebody. What about the homeless guy in the street? Like, yeah, man. None of this matters. Come on, man. There's always going to be something. Yeah. But I'm trying to get past those things.

So were you – did they have you in Sunday school? Did they have you – I went to Catholic school through 12th grade, which is what turned me off from it too. Yeah. All right, but what age do you find out your, what age do you find out your story? I always knew I was adopted. I never remembered them telling me. However, my mom didn't tell me I was half Arab until I was 12. But so she did know. Oh, she knew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't tell me until I was 12. But so she did know. Oh, she knew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't tell me until I was 12.

She told me I was adopted from the beginning. I don't remember being told that. I knew that my whole life. But she didn't tell me the Arab thing until I was 12, and she was hesitant. She was scared. And I don't blame her for this. I think a lot of people would misinterpret what I'm about

to say, but she told me and she told me, don't really talk about that because we lived in a Roman Catholic, Irish Catholic, Polish Catholic suburb in Pennsylvania. Everybody was white. Everybody was the same religion. Everybody thought the same. I mean, it was the dictionary definition of suburbia. And, you know, it's not that it was bad people. There were bad people. There were a lot of great people too. But I think she was very scared.

She was very protective of me because of how I, because of their journey in trying to have a child and then how I came to them and all that stuff. And I think she was scared. You can't be the one person who's not like everybody else around here. The Arab kid. Yeah, because they're going to do, and I was

a bullied kid already. I was a bullied kid. I had a tough time. I was, you know. Why? Why? Why? Look at me. But were you running your mouth or were you just easy pickings at the time? Or what was it? I had a lot of, I always had a temper.

Always. I was always an emotional person. I still struggle with it. And I'm not somebody that's going to easily let it slide off his back. I'm going to – look, I did a show in San Francisco two nights ago, and I was like 10 minutes in. The crowd was being tight, and I was sitting for the first 10 minutes, and I leapt off the stool, and I go, guys, cut the fucking shit right now.

I'm doing a fucking hour or two. Loosen the fuck up. Stop it. It's not my fault your fucking city's been overrun by soulless fucking techies. Right? And then they were laughing. And it opened it up because I have learned

how to kind of use it in a funny way. But I meant it. So I'm not how to kind of use it in a funny way, but I meant it. So, like, I'm not a guy that's going to be like, you know, hey, man, hey, it's easy peasy, man. Hey, no worries, bro. We'll get there when we get there. So when I was a kid, I had a pretty strong tell when something was bothering me. And so kids that picked on me kept on picking on me. And I was also, and I don't know why this was,

I was kind of afraid of physical altercation from a young age. And I don't know why. I didn't have brothers. I mean, I've been in a ton of fights. Yeah. But going back, I think everyone does. I always did. It's not until you get fucking punched in the face a couple times and that you can take it and then you realize, all right, that wasn't that fucking bad.

Right. It's not until that you even taste a little bit of your own fucking blood. You know, your nose is bleeding. You're like, all right, I'm still here. It's not. I mean, that's terrifying that some stranger wants to fuck you up yeah they don't know you they don't know a thing about you and they will absolutely kill you some of these people it's a wild fucking thought i was uh you know i was look i i think for me it probably stemmed from my mom being a bit overprotective so there was a lot of

you know uh uh uh discussion of the of the potential dangers of the world and all that um but we also were suckers for every fucking urban myth that came down the pipe you know so you know don't go in those woods. I heard there's a dirt bike gang that lives in there, you know? Dirt bike gang. You couldn't hear them. You know? Yeah, but you believe it.

You believed it. You believed it, you know? Dirt bike gang. I remember on Halloween, my mom, not every year, but a couple years, my mom taking apart every piece of candy because of the thing about they're putting razor blades right yeah i remember my mom believed and told me the story of the lady that wrote welcome to the world of aids on the window or on the mirror in the hotel we believe that we believed them all the organs woke up in the tub with ice and the liver was gone yeah

whatever that one was yeah all the we believed them all so i my liver was gone. Yeah, whatever that one was. We believed them all. So I think I was just a... And then you put a layer of true Catholic guilt and whatever else on top of that, where there's punishment for action and all these things. Burn in hell. I think I had a real fear of physical... It wasn't just physical confrontation.

It was a fear of physical anything. I had AIDS paranoia until I was in my 20s because I felt like it was punishment for careless sex. Yeah. Even though consciously I didn't anymore. Magic Johnson got it. If you were sexually active especially, and that time we're in our probably 20s. Yeah. It's terrifying.

I was about 16. You can die from fucking. Yeah. The one thing I want to do all the time. When the Johnson thing hit, I was about 16. And it was like, see, it can happen to anybody. And then Eazy-E fucked me up. That's right.

Because I was a huge Eazy-E. I was a big rap fan. I loved, that's just a side note to what we're talking about. I was afraid of confrontation, but I loved anything that was confrontational. So I was immediately attracted to gangster rap, and I got obsessed with it. I wanted to be in a fucking gang. I wanted to carry a gun there but gangs right out they're right there i couldn't i didn't know the right yeah but i loved all that shit i loved as

i loved sinatra because it was like fuck you yeah my you know yeah like i loved all that shit and i it's funny i wanted to be around bad kids because I knew that that was protection, and it was also an acceptance, you know? What was your dad like? Your mom was overprotective. What was your dad like? My dad's a pretty gentle guy. He's great.

They're both great. I mean, you know, he was a stern father, but not, you know. I mean, I grew up when you got smacked, man. When you fucked up, you got smacked, you know. Yeah. And I don't regret it at all, you know. And I'm sure there's people right now going, well, see, that's why you had a fear of physics. It's not.

It's not. Because it wasn't excessive. But when I fucked up, I called my mom a bitch once. My dad, he put it to me pretty good. Do you remember what he did? Yeah. Was it a belt? I think it was a stick.

He came home with that. Probably broke it off outside the church when he was late. Like, I'm just going to take it. Dude, I'll never forget. He was downstairs in the basement. He was in with that. Probably broke it off outside the church when he was leaving. Like, I'm just going to take this. Dude, I'll never forget. He was downstairs in the basement. He was in the basement, and he was doing something with a table saw. The fucking table saw was going, dog. Oh, that's terrifying, dude.

And my mom said something. I go, stop being such a bitch. How old are you? 14, maybe. I go, stop being such a bitch. And I heard the saw go. And I was like, how the fuck did he hear that? And he came up with a stick.

Nah. Whenever he was cutting. He's like, that's it. That's motherfucking. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like, you know, I wasn't. He didn't break it across your face. Yeah, I wasn't bruised up or anything.

But like, he gave it to me pretty good. That time I tried to fight him once too. Yeah. And he put that shit right to bed. I talk about that. I mean, like I said, I lost my dad at 16, but I think I was about 14 or 15 when he's like, you think you're wrestling and shit now?

You think you're a man? I was like, let's go. It was so right to the ground. I was like, God damn. It was fast, too. I was like, oh, shit, I'm not ready. You know what's funny, man, is I have a friend. It's a guy we both know, but I don't want to say his name

because I don't know if he's public with this story. But he's got teenage kids. And he told me a story of his, at the time, 16 or 17-year-old son trying to fight him. And he said he had to put it to bed because he goes, if this kid gets on top of me, there is going to be an irreversible power shift in this household. And that cannot happen. I have to be the father. And it's like, I was like, was like damn dude i never thought of it

like that i just thought of it like if you want to be a punk you're gonna get smacked like a punk i never thought of it like no dude you don't understand this is the person providing to the child the child cannot overpower that person as like you said, Alpha, that's real wolfpack shit. It is wolfpack shit. That is setting dominance in the household, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if your kid can take you. And listen, there are some 16-year-old kids that can whoop their dad.

These kids now are big as shit. UFC kid. If I have a kid that's a UFC kid, I know I'm done. The motherfucker will snap my shins. I'm like, take the keys. Come back when you want. Dude, I had a nephew. He passed.

I'm sorry. What happened? I had a drug problem. It's a shame. It's a shame because I felt like he was a good kid, but he just was in a bad way. But that's a whole other story. But he was a bad kid. I don't mean, I mean, in his heart, he was a good kid,

but he was a bad kid. Did bad things. Yeah, and he was living with my aunt, who also passed, but it was his grandma, because his parents were all fucked up. And I was staying with her. It was when my uncle died. So she lost her husband.

She's raising her grandkid. I mean, it was just a bad scene and my mom was like you gotta help aunt sammy like she's like anthony's putting her through it you know and i remember he didn't want to go to school he was already in he was he was already like three times removed from regular school he was in a goddamn yeah he's in like a hut in the woods where they were like just color yeah just color we're just trying to keep you out of jail he's a coloring book away from the dirt bike gang they were just out there revving it waiting for him they're like god damn just keep this fucking kid off the street he didn't have to do shit at school

Just keep this fucking kid off the street. He didn't have to do shit at school. He just had to be there. That's all they wanted. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I sat with him all. It was a Monday morning.

And the night before, I sat with him for like two hours and really bonded with him. And I was like, listen, man, you can't. Your pop's dead. Like, you can't. Don't give your grandmom a hard time. And he was like, I know, I know i know i know and it was a really cool thing and next morning he was just like fuck you i'm not going and just went back on everything and i was yelling at him he got in my face he was 14 i was probably 30 and i was like this kid could

fuck me up right now i was like there wasn't a doubt in my mind. One head butt to the nose. I'm like, God damn. Listen, Grandma, you're good luck. I tried. I'm out of here. I don't know how. I finally got him to go to school. You did. But I was like, I was like, this kid,

I'm not even, I can't. I had no place to get physical with him. I wouldn't have put my hands on him. But I was like, if kid, I'm not even, I can't. I had no place to get physical with him. I wouldn't have put my hands on him. But I was like, if he wants to go, I'm going to have a problem. Because he's, there's a kid that like, from the time he was 11, was getting into fights. But here's the other thing. You know, he was trained at this point. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Street trained too. Yeah, yeah. Street trained. Yeah. There's a fucking goddamn razor blade hidden over in the bamboo bush in the house, you know what i mean street train yeah yeah street train yeah there's a fucking goddamn razor blade hidden over in the bamboo bush in the house you know but also they're kids so you can't fuck a kid up even if it's your own kid you still can't fuck them up so it's like a i usually do a full

nelson or a pressure point i'm big on pressure points right i used to fuck with my stepson all the time like he would get me i'm like oh you're a big bad motherfucker now 11th grade huh and i would just take my thumb and put it right behind his ear right to the ground like how bad are you i gotta i got one fingertip on you bro you bad you're bad oh that's it but you can't you can't fucking snap a an arm or some shit everything Everything is getting more expensive. Gas, food, travel, including rent. Prices are skyrocketing all over the country. Buying a home might feel scary right now, but it could be your most stable option.

You're guaranteed a fixed payment for the next 30 years. I highly recommend checking out the How to Buy a Home podcast. You've been hearing me talk about this for a while now. Host David Sedoni is an industry expert with years of experience who's devoted to helping first-time homebuyers navigate this crazy marketplace, and he can help you too. Did you know there's a difference between interest rates and mortgage rates? David will break it all down for you. How to Buy a Home is an incredible resource, and you don't even have to take notes. Full transcripts of every episode are available at howtobuyahome.com. David's How to Buy a Home is an incredible resource. You don't even have to take notes. Full transcripts of every episode are available at howtobuyahome.com. David's How to Buy a Home podcast has helped so many listeners close on houses that they thought were impossible, even as things went bonkers in 2021 and 22.

And I'm telling you, people have come up to me at shows and told me they bought their first home because of this podcast. So if you're thinking about buying a home next month, next year, in five years, David can help you too. He can even connect you with the great realtor in your area. Start your path today with the How to Buy a Home podcast and make this the last year you rent. Listen to the How to Buy a Home podcast today. Find How to Buy a Home on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts. Take action today for a healthier tomorrow with Everly Well.

Their at-home lab tests, vitamins, and supplements can help you get the best knowledge and support you need so you can become a healthier you. Everly Well is digital healthcare designed for you, all at an affordable and transparent price. With over 30 at-home lab tests, you'll be able to choose the test that makes the most sense for you to get the answers you need. I took the food sensitivity test, and I'm doing pretty good, man. But it makes sense why, you know, your boy's got to run to the bathroom after I have sushi. It's that ginger, y'all.

Everly Well also has high-quality vitamins and supplements to support your overall health, including vitamin D3 and omega-3 fish oil. Here's how it works. Everly Well ships products straight to you with everything needed in one package. You simply collect your sample, use the included prepaid shipping label to mail your test back to a certified lab. Your physician-reviewed results get sent to your phone or device in days. You can even share the results with your primary care physician. It's so simple.

Over 1 million people have trusted Everly Well to support their health and wellness goals, and you should too. For listeners of my show, Everly Well is offering a special discount of 20% off an at-home lab test at everlywell.com slash honeydew. That's everlywell.com slash honeydew for 20 off your next at-home lab test everlywell.com slash honeydew now let's get back to the do all right so your dad can't even the way my dad used to smack me right you couldn't do that now we got the belt one time i'll never forget it we got it once i say we my brother I have a fraternal twin brother, and he's four minutes older. So everything was that order. Derek, Ryan, Todd, that order.

Right. We got in trouble that order. We got fed, you know. Yep. And I don't remember what we did, but my mom told my dad something. And this motherfucker came home after a double shift at National Airlines working for pan am and took that belt off told us both get on the bed and here's the the real mind fuck of this is i have to watch my brother i get it no and this is coming you know what i mean i'm like this is what's about to happen to me

so he gets to get hit and go i gotta watch it get it get hit and go. And I am just putting my hands back there, and I'm getting the fucking belt buckle on my knuckles and shit. Brutal, dude. He did it one time. And after that, he felt so fucking guilty. He pulled us aside and apologized. He's like, I'll never do that shit to you again. But what he started doing after that was he would get you right there on that, and he'd fucking crank. I mean, crank on your

arm i'm like god damn it and it didn't matter how big i was if he got me back there i knew i couldn't turn around and punch my dad because he had already showed me he could fuck me up i got the belt my mom would give me the belt sometimes mom never never to buckle but she'd give me and it was more like she'd chase after me with it it wasn't like she'd put me down and so it was enough that you didn't want to fuck up but it wasn't like terrible but i got the wooden spoon too yeah i've had that and my cousin john my my aunt sammy's son i remember my parents were laughing one day and i was like what's so funny they go aunt sammy was hitting john with the wooden spoon and he grabbed it from her and broke it i was was like, holy shit.

You could do that? Yeah. That was like gangster shit. I was like, wow, man. I got a brush one time that broke over my ass from my mom because she said, you little son of a bitch. And I said, you're right. And I was in elementary school. That's a good comeback.

Oh, it was. It was. I knew I was on to big things when I got that ass whooping. I was like, oh, let's hurt her. That's a good comeback. Oh, it was. It was. I knew I was on the big things when I got that ass whooping. I was like, oh, let's hurt her. That's funny. My mom used to say, I was such a manipulative kid. My mom used to say, son of a bitch bastard, because that's like an Italian East Coast thing. And then I said to her one day, I go, you know what really hurts my feelings?

Because I am, by definition, a bastard. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I know. You start crying. Yeah. She was like i'll never say that again i'm so sorry fuck yeah that's great that's great all right so you're adopted your mom your dad your dad's a deacon so he's working obviously he became a deacon later in life but through your life he's working his way up he

well he no he didn't get into the diaconate stuff till i was like in college so what was he doing when you were in middle school high school my dad worked at sperry univac which was the first company that it became unisys eventually but sperry univac was the company and created the first computer is that right yeah he did engineering work there and it was not so funny you tell that to people and they think like your dad's like bill gates or some shit and it's like no that's not what it was it was a job that he busted his ass for they treated him like garbage you know he had to worry about layoffs every other year and when he was on his 35th year at the company they handed him his papers and said, take a fucking hike.

Yeah. And that's it. It was one of those. I'm telling you, dude, we were every detail of the 80s suburban American. We were all of it. My dad had the thankless job that they booted him from without batting an eye after he put his whole life in. My parents had the house they were having a hard time keeping up on the payments with.

My mom had to work. I was a latchkey kid. It was everything, dude. It was that whole fucking okey-doke that everybody fell for in the 80s with the suburbs. You know, I always said to my mom all the time, we should have never left the city. We were meant to be city people. And, you know, my parents had massive credit card debt. Everything, dude.

The whole fucking thing. You know, and it was just like we, I realized at a pretty early age, we don't belong here. And I hated the suburbs. I was a really depressed kid. I was a really, really sad kid. I had friends. Did you play sports? No, because I was terrible at them, and I hated them.

I always wanted to play music, so that's what I did. And my parents were very supportive. They didn't make me play sports. They didn't push me to do anything that I didn't like doing. They nurtured me with music. They, you know, it was great. But I was into music, and I was very intrigued by music that spoke of another life that I wanted.

You know, it started with hip-hop and just the talk of the city and all that stuff. And I just, the deeper I got in, you know, into music and then, and then came like heavy metal and punk rock and, and, and all these things where I was, I was hearing about these, this other world that was out there somewhere. And I remember, and I, and I say this with all seriousness, I remember, and I say this with all seriousness, I remember when I first got introduced to porn, thinking the same thing. Thinking there were like women out there that are like, okay with sex. And like, you don't, because I lived in this place where every fucking person was married. Nobody was single, you know? And I lived in that area in my early 20s still and there were just no options and i remember my friend saying i remember it was like when

internet porn first happened and my friend saying like that's fake dude there are chicks out there and i was like you're fucking wrong dude we're living in we're waiting to die in this place man like it's all right if you got a family and you want to raise your family here and it's nice, but I'm like, we're 21 years old, dude. We're going to a bar and it's all older married couples. There's like a world out there for us. And I just was obsessed with that from a very, very early age. I was a depressed kid. I remember very distinctly being woken up for the first day of school in third grade and very consciously thinking,

I can't believe I have to go through another year of this. Like, I was just done, dude. I hated it. I hated school. I hated church. I hated where we lived. I hated church, yeah. I hated it.

I hated it. I hated church. I hated where we lived. I hated church, yeah. I hated it. I hated it. I loved my friends, but even with that, we had such limited access to anything. Did you date at all in high school? And I ask that for two reasons. One, you're describing how you were in high school, but the other one is you have a very religious Catholic family. So were you allowed to bring girls home?

I had a low – Homecomings, proms. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was allowed to – Your parents were okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were they practice safe sex or not talk about it at all? It was sex before marriage was frowned upon.

Right. So we didn't really talk much about sex. But they did teach me the basics. But they taught me the basics like like but don't ever do this yeah right my school certainly didn't teach it to me you know uh but um they uh yeah i was allowed to date i dated uh but i i was i was not good at it until my senior year in high school because I never, um, I had very low self-esteem. I had very, very low self-esteem and I was afraid to approach, uh, women and it manifested in me in a negative way. Uh, as, as all relationships do, it wasn't a thing that was pointed towards women. It was a thing that

I had pointed towards people. I had really severe abandonment issues. That comes from, that subliminal thing that comes from adoption. And then you put in, you know, that combined with all the Catholic stuff, combined with my parents being a bit overprotective and all that stuff. I had really bad rejection issues and stuff. So when somebody slighted me or treated me poorly, which is much crueler, directly crueler when you're younger, I was like, I wanted to see fucking blood. You know what I mean? And I just, it was just shit I carried for

a long time. And it affected my ability to approach and date girls too, because I felt like I wasn't shit. You know what I mean? And I didn't have any confidence. And it wasn't until I started playing in bands, which was the tail end of my junior year, that I started to realize like, oh, I can talk to girls because I suddenly did something that was kind of cool that made them talk to me that made a girl that I thought was cool say like hey I like that thing you did and now suddenly I had some chips on the table right yeah and that got that went a thousandfold when I started doing comedy because I still had the self-esteem issues but I was able to navigate them enough that I was dating and stuff to an extent.

But I remember when I started doing stand-up, I was still really intimidated when it came to women. And Rocco Stowe, you know Rocco? Brian Stowe? He's a comic out here in LA. And he's a guy I started out with in Philly. But he goes, come on, dude. And he was always good with chicks. He was just always good with it. He was that guy. He's like, and he was always good with chicks. He was just always good with it.

He was that guy. He was like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, you know? And he was, I remember he said to me, he goes, it's just like when you're up on stage, man. Like, why does your confidence leave you when you leave the stage? And I was like, I don't know, dude. But he was the kind of like, what's that movie,

Hitch with Will Smith? Yeah. He was like my hitch, you know, where he kind of taught me how to have confidence. And then all of a sudden, I just, I realized like, oh no, it's beyond, it's, I'm putting such a, I'm focusing on all the wrong stuff, you know? I'm focusing on all the wrong details. If I just have confidence, there's something here that I can share with somebody else stuff you know i'm focusing on all the wrong details if i just have confidence there's something here that i can share with somebody else you know so that's that's how that went well let me ask you why have you not uh ever sought out your biological parents

what is it that i don't know do you feel like you're cheating on your parents a little bit yeah have have they ever told you they'd be cool with it? They're 100% supportive. I was going to say, I'm sure they are. They sound like a great parent. They're 100% supportive. Have you done a 23andMe? Yep.

So do you have other siblings? No. That you know, at least that you know of, right? Because how does that work? Other people have to put their info in as well, right? Yeah. I did both. I did Ancestry and 23andMe, and I think there's a third one now.

And no one else pops up? Like fifth cousins, fourth cousins. I don't think I ever got past fourth cousin. Who cares, right? But no, I just never looked. I had one therapist tell me that I need to. Why need? She said, the beginning of your life has a huge question mark looming over it,

and you should go figure out who these people are. And I didn't really agree with her. I understand that. You know? And it also can go two ways. It got answered in nine days. It's not that big of a question. It could have been just a young mom who couldn't take care of you could have been a lot and don't get it twisted dude like and this is

one of the things i used to joke about in my act but everybody thinks it's going to be fucking field of dreams where you're you know your dad goes want to play catch you know and all that there's horror stories dude there's fucking horror stories so i get out it's a gamble. And I don't really want to make the gamble. These people are giving up a baby in their teens. Chances are they didn't make the right decisions. It didn't start out great for them either. Chances are I was the start of the dominoes falling. You probably were.

You probably were, dude. Or they figured it out. They've got that fucking suburb life with three great kids and Joe's just out there somewhere. You know, it's funny, man. I'm now trying to talk about, and it's not, I can't figure out how to get it to work. But I'm a pro-choice guy. And as an adopted person, that's kind of an interesting take

because it could have went the other way on me. But, you know, I try to be selfless in that department and say, well, for me, sure, you know, but Christ, my thing worked out. A lot of people, whatever. But I'm approaching it, but I keep trying to figure out how to work a bit about like, because you always hear if it wasn't for abortion, that, you know, X, Y, Z. And I'm like, but if it was for abortion, I wouldn't be here. So like, it's an interesting, weird, like, you know, conflict that you have, you know, but I don't know, you know, I guess I just, and maybe one of the reasons I don't,

I can't figure out how to make it work is because I almost don't really believe it. I don't see myself as somebody that didn't come from my parents. Yeah. I can get the i mean like i just your memory's not even formed at nine days yeah i just feel like i'm their blood and like and i resemble them in certain ways yeah and like emotionally physically you know remember my friend scott again his mom telling me she's like i can't believe you're adopted. You look just like, you know, like, it's not like a weird, it's not like different strokes where you're like, kids don't look like the dad. Two of these kids. You know, but it's like, I don't know, man.

I just, you know, and my great regret, my great regret was my parents were going to adopt a second kid. They were? Yeah. They wanted to adopt an Asian kid. How old were you? I was pretty 10, less young. Boy or girl?

I don't know. But they asked me if I would feel comfortable with it. And I said, I didn't feel comfortable with it because I couldn't process at that time having a sibling that didn't look like me you know i'm saying i couldn't and i can't say it's a regret i was a fucking kid you know what i mean yeah and like you could argue that my parents shouldn't have posed that question to me or you could argue that they were being great parents by saying we want to discuss this with our child they were like we just wanted to know how you were felt about having another sibling not whether he was Asian you're focusing on the Asian they're like how do you feel about a brother I feel terrible about it he ain't Asian I'm good yeah what if they had said hey

it's a white kid would you have said yeah or was it more about I he ain't Asian. I'm good. Yeah, what if they had said, hey, it's a white kid? Would you have said yeah? Or was it more about being an only child? I would have been thrilled. You would have. I can't, like, isn't that fucked up? Well, not at 10. Like, but I mean, like, or I might have been a little younger than that.

But, like, it's, but my point is, is, like, isn't that weird that at that, that's why I don't buy. Look, I'm not saying I was an evil person. A child can't process certain things that are pretty when you get older. Well, also, let's go to your defense here because also at this age now where you are, you're surrounded by nothing but the same kind of people you are. And here you are already being told, well, you haven't been told not to talk about being Arab yet. Maybe it was around that Asian kid time that your mom was like, you know what, we might let him know. We might let him know he's different.

Before he starts cutting half of his body. But it's interesting because, yeah, you can't. I couldn't. Regret's not the right yeah, you can't, I couldn't. And it regrets not the right word. You can't regret something like that. But I wish I would have thought otherwise. And who knows? My parents, honestly, it was for the best.

My parents couldn't have afforded to take on another kid. And maybe they were just asking me very passively. It's something I should probably discuss with them at some point. But I don't think – it wasn't like they were at the place holding the kid. Right, yeah, calling you with the phone. Yeah, guess what? We're bringing him home. Yeah.

So – and I might be misremembering. It might have been a foster situation. I don't remember. But honestly, it's probably for the best. But that would have been kind of cool to have a sibling, which my cousin Danielle. I was going to ask you, do you have close cousins or anything like that? Well, we've had a lot of death in my family, sadly. We had a big family and holidays and everything.

There were big, big celebrations, 20 people. And everybody, it's very, very sad. My uncle, so first my grandfather died. Then my uncle John died. Then my Nana died. Then my Aunt Sammy died. No, no, no. Then my Aunt Enica died.

How long are we talking about in all this? Five years. Jesus. It was a huge block. They just all started going. Yeah, so Aunt Enica died. Then Aunt Sammy died. Then my Uncle Brian, who was married to,

so Aunt Sammy and Uncle John, they were married. Both dead. My Uncle Brian, or my cousin Sarah, his daughter, she moved away, got married, moved to Georgia. Then my Uncle Brian moved down south. So, dude, our family went from like this to like, whew. So holidays now are me and my parents, my cousin Chris and Will, that third dad's my Uncle Brian, and then my cousin Danielle and her husband and her kids.

And my cousin Danielle, her parents were my Uncle John, my Aunt Sammy. So she has become like a sister figure for me because her parents are gone. My parents live near them, so they step for their her daughter when they have like grandparents day or something my parents go that's nice um and it's become it's just a new family it's like we now have this thing that feels a little more like this is me and my sister and her kids and my parents you know um but they call you uncle yeah which is nice because i don't have siblings so you know dylan is her son and he's he's old now he's married now but he's 20 i think 22 but he come they come watch you do stand-ups though he hasn't because he he went into the military before

basically right when he was old enough to finally start coming to shows, he went into the military. So he's seen me do stand-up on TV and shit, but he doesn't come. Danielle and her husband will come. Ava, her daughter, she's too little. What about your parents? In fact, Ava asked to watch me, and my cousin's like, no. Yeah, my parents come all the time. Have you ever done material about adoption and stuff in front of your parents?

Yeah, they think it's funny. Yeah. And they think my stuff about the Catholic Church is funny. Oh, that's good. Oh, I don't really do it anymore, but I used to. I used to do a thing about Jesus. It's funny. Most Catholics in the audience would get mad. My dad loved it though.

My dad thought the bit was hilarious. I used to do a thing about Jesus. People having the audacity to pray to Jesus you know like like I lost my wallet you know or I got mugged why is this world so cruel and then I would do Jesus reacting like you know they they beat me until I had a prolapsed asshole I'm gonna worry about your fucking wallet man the fuck up you pussy you know and Catholic people always get real mad but my dad thought it was funny You want to wear me your fucking wallet? Man the fuck up, you pussy. And Catholic people always get real mad.

But my dad thought it was funny because my dad got it. My dad is very religious, but he's righteous. He's truly righteous because he's like, no, that's a pro-Jesus joke. You know what I mean? Like sometimes I was just watching a clip of Sam Morrell talking about like he did an abortion joke, but it was a pro-woman joke, but the woman cried. You know what I mean? I was just watching a clip of Sam Morrell talking about he did an abortion joke, but it was a pro-woman joke, but the woman cried. You know what I mean? And got offended by it. It's interesting to see that with my dad. And my mom used to kind of nudge me to go back to the church. And my dad said to her one day after many years of this and us arguing about it, leave him alone.

We found our path. He has to find his. That's righteous. And my mom is righteous too. My dad, I think, got there a little sooner than she did, which is okay. We're all growing, you know. And I was no angel in those exchanges either. But they're truly, I admire that you know they're

not running around saying you know gay people are wrong and this and that they're not doing any of that you know like they're just trying to live like a guy they admire lived. You know what I mean? So I think that's actually very cool. I love it. Yeah. Do you want kids? Fuck no. No? Fuck no.

Like you really don't or you just hadn't happened yet? I can't think of a greater hell. When you texted me today, you were like, just get my daughter off the camp. I was like, oh, Jesus. I was like, man, I want a muffin. Get somebody off the camp? I got her off the camp. It was a motherfucker.

Today was day one. We're at the back. You're at the teacher's lot. I'm like, yeah, but we're right here. Can you just let us in the gate you know and they're like no you can't let you in the gate you got to go to the front i'm like can we walk around like you got to drive like they block the street off she's like you gotta go to y'all i'm like god damn go around enter him yeah i'm out there banging like hey we're here you know i can't i mean here's a lot of it though i mean i'm sure it's beautiful i mean i'm i'm. You know what I mean?

I'm not joking. I'm joking, but I'm not joking. I know. But you're sure you don't want to be a parent. I opened a bar. I'm connected to this fucking place. I can't just cut and run. And the commitment of that is at times quite overwhelming. I can't imagine if it

was a living, breathing person. Because even with a business, like this bar is the biggest thing I've ever undertaken in my life, in my life. It is the biggest commitment I've ever made ever. And it's not just to this space. It's to my partner, my business partner. It's to the customers. It's to your staff. There's so much you have to come through on for people. And hey, man, at the very least, it's X number of years on that lease, right? very least, it's X number of years on that lease, right? And it's fulfilling and gratifying and terrifying. It's a lot of different things. But I still know that God forbid, if it were all to not work out, eventually it just goes away. If all went wrong and it didn't work, you go, okay, all right, we tried. We tried our best. With a kid, there is no, it goes away.

And I just can't fathom that commitment. I can't fathom it. I can barely fathom it in a marriage sense, to be with somebody. Okay, so let's go to that real quick. You're open to being married, but even not having a kid. My dream, what I truly want, I want to be in a committed relationship without marriage, without getting the state involved. I hear you loud and clear on that. A committed relationship. We can have a ceremony where we commit to one another, but I'm not getting the fucking.

Are you doing it? You're not doing it at church then? You're just going to do a ceremony? I'm not doing anything that makes it official. Agreed. Agreed. You know what I'm saying? But.

I just need some thumbs up, no wet signatures. Seen some people go through it, you know, and I'm like, I don't know. Fuck that, dude. So anyway, but I'm all for commitment, but I want us to live in separate places. Not cities, separate. Homes? Yes. I think it's.

She don't want a girlfriend. Yeah. There's no wife that's gonna do that shit Well, I disagree I feel like those kind of wives Are the women that have been with their husband For 20 years And are like

We just don't feel like doing the paperwork To get this shit undone And I'm gonna live over here Well Here's why I think I have a pretty rational argument for this I think it is so hard to find somebody you can commit yourself to in that sense, and then you want to put cohabitation on the table.

It's forget it. How many friends do you have? Your best friends, the people you're closest with, but you're like, if I lived with this person, I would fucking kill them. Because living together is, I'm not saying we don't stay together. I'm not saying we don't spend the weekend in our place or his place or her place, whatever. I'm just saying you need that, you need to be able to get away. Because something stupid like the way you leave the bathroom that to me can spark a fuse it's just too much why are we you know it's like i can't so where does that anxiety come from because

you didn't grow up in that environment you grew up in what seemed what was your parents a loving marriage were they good with each other affectionate in front of you? Hugs, things like that? Oh, yeah, yeah. They're very affectionate. And I'm very affectionate with them. You know, my dad's dad was a good man, but callous. I tried to hug my grandfather once, and he said, you hug women. You don't hug men.

No. Yes. Damn. Well, that ain't shit. When my dad went to Vietnamietnam my grandfather shook his hand and said come home safe no he never said i love you not a hug going to vietnam dude come home man that is some shit right fucked up right that's really fucked up so my dad was in turn very affectionate i hug and kiss my dad every time I see him.

My mom's father was in certain ways a good man, but he was abusive. And again, she went the other way with it. She's like, I'm not going to ever let my kid go through what I went through. So they're affectionate. They're affectionate with me. They're affectionate with us. It doesn't mean we're not loud. We argue we're a loud family.

But my whole family's loud. It's not unusual for a big... If you watch the old Woody Allen movies where he shows his family at Passover, that's kind of how my family is. So wait, what was oh oh why where does that anxiety come from to not want to coexist or cohabitate right it's not i wouldn't call it anxiety it's i've lived with people and i have almost always resented those people and you are you talking roommates as well or are we just talking about no no roommates not i'm talking about moving in with your boys like moving in with your people

dudes you take a bullet for and a year in you're like i gotta move out man you don't know how to fucking respect somebody you're like you I got to move out, man. You don't know how to fucking respect somebody. You're like, fill the fucking ice cube trays, man. You know what I'm saying? So if I meet the love of my life. You can't tell your wife like that. Fill the fucking ice cube trays. I know what you mean.

So if I meet the love of my life, why am I bringing that into it? Why? Honey, you got your place. Live however you want to live there. I'll live in my place how I want to live, and you come stay with me, and I'll come stay with you. But here's the difference. When I come stay with you, and you got Tupperware in the same cabinet as spoons and bowls, I'm like, you got a goofy-ass kitchen.

Not my problem. Yeah. I'm not like, what the fuck? You know? It's a fight that just doesn't need to happen Tupperware is its own motherfucking drawer okay absolutely includes cool whip containers and shit too it goes down there yeah but also oh god let me flip it the other way she shouldn't have to deal with me being like the four remotes go right here at all times your wallet is never on the coffee table

your wallet goes on top of the bookshelf you know what i mean like i have my way of doing shit because it's my system i like to here's here's something I really like to go to sleep to my iPad or to audio books or whatever. People have sleep rituals that help them sleep. You don't need to fuck that up because the other person can't sleep that way or whatever it is, or they have their thing that you can't stand. You know, I dated a girl once that was like, in order to sleep, I have to put, she had a fan like on a, I don't know, it was like on the wall or whatever, but it had like an extension arm. She's like, I have to blast it in directly into my face, full blast, and then lay under the four blankets. So I'm cold cold but i'm making myself warm she's like

that's the only way i can sleep i'm like now if i married that woman you got to be like look you gotta go i don't want to fuck up your sleep sleep we don't need to it doesn't need to be 24 7 you know i'm saying are you open to your own bedroom in the same house? It's that Tupperware and silverware, isn't it? It just goes beyond. It's the wares. It's the wares. The wares and the tears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes beyond the kitchen. It goes beyond the kitchen. I love, like we were talking about me and Sal earlier, right? I love Sal, man. Sal is my man. I'm lucky to have met a friend that great in my 40s. Yes.

I mean, that's crazy. Yep. We're tight as hell. If I lived with Sal, I'd murder him. Yeah, you guys would kill each other. Sal's real big on, you got to take your shoes off when you come in the house, shit like that. I'm like, dog, I can't do this, man. You know what I'm saying?

So why ever, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's like, I love that dude. His bathroom habits don't need to come into this. Do it. I'll do mine, and we're cool cool i sneezed on his floor the other day i mean the guy was gonna have a fucking stroke it's on an episode coming out of taste buds i panicked and i sneezed away from him panicked you tried to respect that yeah you knew like this i didn't cover up because i panicked and he's like dude he talked to me about it for 20 minutes

he's like what do you do i don't understand it for 20 minutes. He's like, what are you doing? I don't understand. I understand. You know the sneeze is coming. I'm like, dude, could you live with that? No, I couldn't live with that. He's one of my best friends. Yeah. You know? So there's just a lot that comes into cohabitation that I think. Of course, I think it's progressive because it's my idea or what I believe in at least.

But I do think it is progressive. I think it's good. Well's my idea or what i believe in at least but i do think it is progressive i think it's good well listen here's the thing if you really take a look i'm sitting here thinking about your life as we're talking about this you have a podcast with sal that you can go to work together have fun leave you got the restaurant with paul you go to you work together you leave you seem to have built your relationships in exactly the manner you're talking about. Although they're not romantic, they're relationships nonetheless. Yeah. And it seems like you've stayed true to your structure there.

I need my space, man. Paul Italia, my business partner and one of my best friends. I'm lucky to be able to say that about people. Ari Shafir makes fun of me for it. He goes, you say dear friend too much. And I go, no, I don't. I have a lot of dear friends, Ari. You know, maybe because I don't say psychotic shit on Twitter.

And drug them in front of their kids. I go, Ari, I have many dear friends because I don't dose them or say crazy shit on Twitter. He's like, okay, okay, fair enough. Fair point, fair point. But Paul, you know, like I call, I'm having a lot of problems with my, I bought a Jeep and I bought it used as is and I'm having a lot of problems with it. And I had a major thing with it right before I left for this trip. And I was talking to my dad about it because I was kind of freaking out, you know? And I was just venting to my dad. And my dad's like, I wish I could help you. I don't

know what to do. I was like, there's nothing anybody can do. Don't worry about it. And then Paul called me, and this is like touching, man. He called me and he's like, give me the number of the mechanic. While you're gone, I'm going to go take care of your Jeep because I think these guys might be fucking around with you right now. And I called my dad and I told him that. And my dad was like, a friend like that is one in a million. And I was like, yeah, I know. That's lucky. Yeah.

I love this motherfucker. I couldn't live with him. All right, we're going to end right there. That was great. Now, hold on, though. Yeah. Your first time here, I told you at the beginning, going back, listening to everything we've talked about, what advice would you give 16-year-old Joe DeRosa?

By the way, I got out running to the wire. I almost teared up talking about how good of a friend paul was i saw it i saw it i got right through you did dude and then dropped it with a joke that's how this this this is what that show is god damn it 16 year old me um honestly yes to the Asian brother. Say yes. Yeah, say yes. Revisit the Asian brother. Honestly, man, I would just say don't put so much of your self-worth in other people. It seems at this age that that's what it is, but that's not what it is. And the second you stop doing that,

the sooner you're going to start to have a good life. Because that's not something I learned until I was, like I said, it was like I was doing comedy. That's when I started to realize I had something to offer because I could do this thing. And then as I did that thing and met people through doing that thing, because now all of a sudden there was a connecting thing, right? Oh, you're funny. Whether it was another comic, whatever.

I realized, oh, there's a lot more to me too that I can also offer. You know what I mean? So that's what I would say. You might have a hard time figuring out how to make the connection, but don't put your value in all the people around you. That's fucking well said, bro. Yeah. Especially because a lot of them are going to tell you you can't. Right.

Most of them are going to tell you no no yeah i gotta tell you when i look back on how many people told me i can't and i'm a spiteful dude i mean i had teachers i had teachers theater teachers i was a theater minor and i get it if you're not a major they got to give the kids that are majoring in it the stuff first but But I couldn't get respect from my theater teachers and a lot of my fellow theater students. And I'm like, if I would have listened to these people, I never would have been on any TV shows. You know what I'm saying?

But it fucks you up at the time. You want the professor to tell you you're good and you're putting all of your worth in his opinion. Don't. Self-approval. Yeah. That's it. That's the whole secret.

That's great. Thank you for doing this. Thanks, man. Plug everything again, please. All right. Joey Roses, New York City, Sandwich Shop Bar Social Club. Great time. Come on down and see us.

We're open Tuesday through Sunday. We open at 12 p.m. every day. We fresh bake the bread every day. Come through. I'm telling you, you won't be disappointed. When I come to New York, I'm coming. Please, man. We'll have a great time.

And by the way, you have eight sandwiches for $8. You and Sal should absolutely debate him on fucking taste buds. Well, I can't have him. I can't do a thing where somebody might say a negative thing just talk about why he likes that one better yeah okay fair enough fair enough it's got to be all positive but we've we've brought him on taste buds and stuff and sal thankfully loves them all but come through you won't be disappointed joey roses nyc.com for all your information uh and you can also order uh directly through our website there if you want.

And then all my upcoming live dates starting. Wait, real quick. Do you ship? We don't ship yet. We're getting there. You will? All right. Yeah, we will.

We will. We're going to get into Gold Belly and all that. We're just trying to lay the foundation first. And then all my live dates starting with Atlantic City this month. And all my live dates, starting with Atlantic City this month, go to JoeDeRosaInfo.com for tickets and show information. Joe DeRosa Comedy on Instagram and Twitter, and the podcasts are Taste Buds, and we'll see you in hell.

Thank you. Happy birthday week. Thanks, buddy. You got it. And as always, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week.