The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joe List

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Joe List! Joe is an alcoholic in recovery who suffers from panic disorder that results in horrific panic attacks. We get into some of his stories from his drinking days including defecating in a woman’s sneakers during a black out. We talk about the time he was completely edited out of a season of Last Comic Standing and if that's not HoneyDew enough, he also has herpes. I appreciate Joe and everyone who has come on the show and opened up. It's not easy to bare your soul.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sigler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Gene's doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. Just go to ryansickler.com. That's where you can find everything, my social media.

Follow me there. All my stand-up dates, go check that out. Sign up for the email newsletter. Also, thehoneydewpodcast.com is the website for this. It's the HoneyDudePodcast.com's website for this. It's all there. Just go there. Merch, all that stuff's there. I'm really excited for today's guest.

You know, I say all the time we're highlighting the lowlights, and I ask people to come on and send me just a log line of their stories. And the list I got for this just, I mean, unfortunately made me me laugh out loud i'm really excited to get into it so uh without saying another word ladies and gentlemen please welcome joe list to the honeydew wow thank you do i clap too i'm clapping clap yourself god damn it yes i never know guys are clappers we're gonna clap you it feels better to join it does happen and just stand here and be like that's right right. Well, I'm very excited to have you here. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. And will you please, before we get into anything, promote everything you'd like. All right. I have a podcast called Tuesdays with Stories.

It's a comedy podcast. And by the time this comes out, I have a new podcast that might be out called, I'm calling it Mindful Metal Jacket and it's all about anxiety

and mindfulness and trying to not kill yourself. be out called uh i'm calling it mindful metal jacket and it's all about anxiety and uh mindfulness and trying to not kill yourself so i've recorded a bunch of those it's like one-on-one uh probably similar to this i think and so that should be out right now by the time you're listening to this and uh comedianjolist.com has all my dates and stuff and then it's jolist comedy on twitter and instagram awesome i couldn't get jListComedy website for some reason. I don't know why. Who's got JoeListComedy? I might have had it myself, and I couldn't get it for my younger self.

I don't really know, actually. I don't know how that happened. Somebody just parked on that shit. Yeah, well, I think I had a shitty website that I couldn't get rid of or something. It's very weird. It's like when an artist leaves a band, and then the record company sues him for stealing john fogarty specifically it only happened once i don't know i'm saying it like it's a thing that happens a lot but anyways i like having the guys laughing out there it's nice they're big we're all big fans i appreciate that we're all big fans um so like i said you sent

a list and we have a lot to get into which i'm very excited to talk to you about so you're originally from massachusetts we were talking earlier yeah and just at an early age you started having panic attacks yeah well what would you when would you say and and why do you think they have or do you know they happen well now i mean i'm having like i didn't have like the full panic attack it was just always constant pretty severe anxiety and then like when i was young and i'm getting to the bottom of why now through therapy which is really exciting i'm doing the same yeah i love it uh and i think it's like a lot it's a lot of stuff not getting what you needed from your parents exactly i'm so afraid they're gonna listen to this and you know hit me

whatever but it's still but and then in like high school i ran cross country and tracks i was running like seven eight nine miles a day and so that was like my least anxious time which you think i would run seven or eight miles a day now knowing that but can i ask you a question have you done emdr no i don't know what that is is Is that a sex position? It sounds like it, and it probably is somewhere. But Dr. Drew recommended it to me, and it is a therapy that it's the alternating buzzing in your hands or eye movement or whatever. And when you said you ran cross-country,

I was curious if you said that was nothing. It didn't bother you. Anything bother you? bother you no i mean i felt i mean a little bit but i felt a lot better right because i was getting that energy out i think and i used to think the same thing it's part of that for sure like hiking and i would be out in the sun i thought oh you know i'm just i'm out there exercising doing good to for myself to myself and a big part of of emdr is the alternating patterns interesting and the the way it was explained to me and i fuck up a lot but i believe the the lady who uh pioneered this

um i believe during it she got breast cancer and she would run a lot and the only time she didn't think was running and she figured out that the alternating pattern doesn't allow your brain in the frontal lobe just to sit on that. You know what I mean? And focus on it. So I'm saying if you're really looking for it, it helped me out so much. And there's an end to it. It's not an ongoing year after year therapy. You will find the answer.

Some people get there quicker than others, but you will find that answer. Oh, I'm all ears. I love this kind of stuff. This is what I'm interested in. I just started doing, yesterday, this Wim Hof breathing. Do you know about this guy? Wim Hof is like a guy. I love all this shit.

He's a guy. He's Austrian or Dutch. Maybe he's Dutch. I don't know. He's European. But he's a guy that h hiked Kilimanjaro Mount Kilimanjaro with like just shorts on and he went up Everest with shorts on and he like does these ice baths and he does this certain kind of breathing he's been on like Rogan I guess and

Russell Brand's podcast and someone was like because I have chronic reflux and this guy was like you've got to try Wim Hof breathing and I've done it two days in a row I still feel exactly the same but I'm hoping it'll get somewhere and then he talked about cold showers so i'm taking cold showers and breathing like a lunatic cold showers yeah so anyways i'm interested in ed what is it bdsm it's bdsm ask ask for that yeah it's covered by your insurance edm see i used to mess it up too because edm that electronic dance music it's not that it's emdr emdr okay i'm gonna try this try it out all right so back to cross-country running

i'm sorry sorry so that i think that helped me a lot then like after high school i had no i was gonna be a comedian i was a comedian i started right after high school but you know i'm just doing open mics and that's when I started drinking. And my girlfriend went to college, like a normal person. And I just was like staying at my parents' house, sleep until four o'clock in the morning, boozing. And that's when like my anxiety really started to like come in this thing of like, I'm not doing enough. I'm a piece of shit. I hate myself. And were you getting that from your parents as well? Or any outside people putting that on you? Or were you just feeling that

yourself i think probably just myself my parents were pretty supportive like they would come to shows and stuff and they were like okay yeah you're gonna be a comedian and all through school whatever you did they were supportive in there and yeah support parents were together as well yeah my parents have always been together but looking back now there's certain things that like maybe i wasn't getting that i wish i was getting like they were just kind of like okay great and they would come to shows but never after the show be like that was amazing you're unbelievable we died laughing it was great which we still have that issue now they'll come to shows and then kind of not say much or um they'll i'll do like the

tonight show whatever i don't hear from them for like days and my my mom's like, I just didn't want to bother you. I figured you were whatever. And so there's like that thing of like you want that like, oh, my God, you're incredible. We love you. Yeah, well, my mom came up to me after a show with Tom Segura and told me how funny Tom was. Yeah, I get that.

I get that a lot too. That's what she said. Yeah, I'll get stuff like that too where you're like, okay. I was like, I'll tell him. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. I know him. So I'll tell him. No, I did get stuff like that, too. I was like, I'll tell them. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. I know them. No, I did a thing that was like, I did the Tonight Show, and I took the cue card, and I had it framed and matted.

And then I gave it to my mother. Yeah, look at this. And I came back to the house four months later, it was like leaning against the wall behind a chair. Like they hadn't hung it up yet. And I was just like, what? It's my dustpan. What? It's my Tonight Show cue card.

It was great. Realistically, I think it was like seven months. My mother now, in her defense, has like OCD, so she wanted to match it with the thing or whatever. And my mother's a good person. I don't want to just trash my mother here. But it's stuff like that. In her mind, she's just like great i'll hang it but i don't want it to look different but i'm like can you just slap it up somewhere somewhere just be

like wow and i had to be like i might take that back if that's okay it was crazy you should and it wasn't just leaning against the wall it was literally behind a chair like it was just like yeah stick this back there. I'm like, dude, that's like my... In case somebody kind of notices, like, what's that back there? Yeah, oh, that's Joe's tonight. My son's dream came true. My son's dream came true.

Like, yeah, so that, like, stuff like that, you're like, geez. That's why it's a chair. My son's dream came true god damn your heart just sinks alright and sometimes it takes a therapist to tell you that's really sad a lot of times I'll laugh

I'll be in therapy just laughing he's like why are you laughing dude like he gets like upset with me he's like i don't understand why you're laughing and i'm like i don't know it's crazy how we process exactly i'm like that's what i have to laugh or else i'll just be sobbing i don't want to be a big bitch in here you know um the person i went to see this therapist she was great she's like you if, that is it. Laughing at it, it's the best thing you can do. Right.

Yeah, that's good. You gotta sob a little bit. Yeah. I try to, I never asserted myself my whole life. I just kind of, my thing is I always talk

to someone else about whatever's bothering me, which just doesn't actually resolve anything. It just makes you angrier and carry resentments, which then those build up and become anxiety.

That's like, I think so much of anxiety is just not ever like uh confronting anybody or saying anything or standing up for yourself and you just kind of get all in and you're losing it so then yeah so i started having these panic attacks early 20s and like and what sort of things would happen to you when you had panic i would start to like shit it would always start with shaking and i've had these recently too i've had like bouts with it where i'll have it for like a month almost daily and then i'll go away for a while but first started my early 20s and i would start shaking and then it would like i felt like my throat was closing or chest pain or like just this impending doom and then it would like tunnel vision down where i couldn't see anything,

and I would be on the ground shaking. On the ground? Yeah, I couldn't even stand. I'd lose my mind and be hyperventilating. I can't breathe, and it'd last about 15 or 20 minutes, and then I'd slowly get to a point where it was so bad that they couldn't get work,

and I'd start coming back down slowly and shaking. It was crazy, and I remember having them right before shows and during shows, in the middle of shows. It's pretty wild. Did you ever have one where your parents saw it or anything at home then? Yeah. As a parent, I would think my child's having a seizure. I wouldn't know what's going on.

That's what I thought at first. When I first started having them. At least your eye level down there with your fucking Tonight Show. You got a great view down there with your fucking Tonight Show. You got a great view down there on the floor. I can read it. I'm like, under the chair. Maybe that's why I was having them. I was going to get down on the ground like a fucking maniac.

But yeah, so like I would I started having them early on. I didn't know about panic disorder or anxiety attacks. I just thought I was dying or having these seizures and i remember going to the hospital and like they know like first of all i'm 21 like i'm like healthy and i remember them taking like my uh heart rate and just being like i was like flipping out and the lady's like you gotta relax like you're fine and be like i'm not i'm not and

then like but they have to like the problem with doctors and hospitals is they have to make sure you're not dying because they don't want to be like ah you're stressed right and then like but they have to like the problem with doctors and hospitals is they have to make sure you're not dying because they don't want to be like ah you're stressed right and then you fucking have a massive coronary so that you got to get checked for all the stuff so while you're getting checked for the stuff that feeds into all the anxiety like having mris and all this shit and uh and then the worst this is like classic my parents finally they were like yeah you have panic disorder you're having panic attacks and my dad was like yeah people have i've had those my brother has my father has them all the time and i'm like what are you fucking kidding like this has been going on like a month right he's like oh yeah yeah my dad used to have them like why didn't you say that the first day

that would have been like oh okay this is something we have yeah um but then they went away for a long i went to therapy and so much much of therapy to me is them just being like, yeah, that's called panic disorder. You're having panic attacks. And once you know there's a label, you're like, okay, so this is something people have had before. As opposed to like, I always felt like something's happening to me that's never happened. I have Joe List disease. You know? This has never happened to anybody ever.

Your patient's 001. But that's like so much of like, that's what like AA is and therapy is. It's just being like, yeah, yeah, people have had that. Like I was just asking Josh, I'm like, do you have a shit in this oil? I'm like, it just takes one person to be like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay, good.

As long as you've had it, I'm fine. But I do have globs of oil in the toilet, which seems bad. You should go get that checked out. Oh, don't say that. You should definitely get that checked out. Oh, God. Especially if it's dark. It could be blood.

That's why I asked you if it was black when you were talking about it. No, it's green. Well, it's like I have green oil dripping out of my asshole. You should definitely get that looked at. Well, by the time you see this, I might be dead. You might be. I was texting with a guy, a doctor, Dr. Steve, and he's like, it's too many nuts.

You're going to eat less fat. Don't say it. I'll fucking have my panic attack right here. That's the best, though. It might just be that. I think it's a lot of nuts. I did some Googling. I ate too many nuts.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Okay, so you start to identify now you that you're right it a big part of therapy is like you're not crazy or abnormal this is called this and right millions of people suffer from it yes that's what i like those numbers the bigger the number the better you feel 350 million people have this i'm like great oil in the shit that's 20 guys have that. I'm like, that seems low. That's a problem.

I want to see six figures. Yeah, six figures. 275,000 people have this a year. I'm like, okay. I'm good. That's not good. Yeah, so that went on. And then they went away after therapy.

And then it's kind of a thing that never goes away. I always joke, I have all things that never go away. Alcoholism, herpes, panic disorder. I have three things that are like, you have that for life. You just got to manage. So I'm like, can I get a thing that goes away? You know what I mean? They're all like, yeah, those are chronic.

I'm like, fuck. So I'm doing a lot of managing. I'm managing all these things. They are forever. Oh, my God. Look, I can't help you with the herpes, but I might be able to help you with these panic disorders. I appreciate it.

Well, I'm going to try ED. I'm just passing along. I'll give you all the info. I'm passing along the information that was given. EMDR. Yes. It's like the moment I'm done with this i'm telling you um all right well then you're having so do you start drinking you say alcoholism at what age do you start drinking and are you drinking because you're

trying to cope with these panic attacks or what else is going on i think so well i think i i'm like i started drinking a little to me late like i was like 19 i never drank through high school because my family's all heavy drinkers so i was like ah you guys are doing that thing i'm gonna be a little different or whatever and then i didn't drink through high school my friends would drink but i was like you know i was like nervous about that or i was like i should always say like i'm an athlete not an alcoholic because i was like i'm not gonna be one of these drinky guys and then eventually like when i was like 19 or so i had like my first drink and like so many people everything made sense so i was like ah this is the best i've ever felt in my life because

i like social anxiety and all this shit and you start to be like i get it now and then like anything else well for me anyways, I'll start like, let me see how far I can take this. Let me do shots and then more shots and then booze. And then before you know it, I'm like hammered every night and then started blacking out and stuff. But looking back now, it's like, yeah, it was some kind of like discontentment, if that's a word, discontentment.

I'm going to go with that. I wouldn't challenge you and scrabble. All right, I appreciate that. It sounds like something. It does sound like something to me and i'm i'm expressing an idea that you get like so that's all language is conveyed yeah yeah it's conveyed also a great word um but anyways yeah so i was like some kind of discontent or anxiety or like longing to feel like i belong or something and that was a lot of bonding in my family too was like you're drinking i'm drinking,

we're getting drunk, fucking woo. And panicking about shit. Yeah. That also runs in the family. Yeah, well, that's another thing. Are you an only child? No, I have an older sister. Does she suffer from the same?

I don't know that she has panic attacks, but she has anxiety. Everyone in my family has real severe anxiety, my mother. And my therapist is like, it's all learned behavior. That's how you learned how to communicate. Also, that's when i'm having great conversations with my family is when something's going wrong i'm in there like being like i got oil in my shit crazy there's like black dot and then maybe it's this that's when we get really and it's like those

conversations are better than conversations about stand-up like i'm like literally like i did the tonight show they're like that's great all right and then i'm like i shit blood they're like okay than conversations about stand-up. I'm literally like, I did the Tonight Show. They're like, that's great. That's great. And then I'm like, I shit blood. They're like, okay. Get in here. Everybody, come on.

Yeah, we got to figure out what's going on. It sounds like too many nuts. Yeah. That's more of a topic than... That's interesting. Yeah. That's really interesting. But that's how my family relates

is with like um drama or anxiety of like wow okay we got to figure out how to solve this and uh it's taking its toll it's interesting i see it in other families that the the only real times they're communicating with one another is drama right there's something going on with this one or that one or whatever and then i i still i have two brothers i have cousins we all still talk but if i don't hear from them for a couple weeks i know it's because nothing's wrong right you know what i mean i've grown to appreciate because i used to be like yeah you don't you're not calling and i used to think oh my god you're not calling because there's not any fucking drama going on we don't know you're not calling. And I used to think, oh my God, you're not calling because there's not any fucking drama going on.

We're not sorting shit out. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, but it's weird because it's like that becomes the only way you connect. So then what happens is I start creating. Now I'm a hypochondriac. I start creating things because that's how I get the most attention.

It's fucked up. And then I try to do it in my relationship with my wife and she's like a completely different kind of person than my mother. She's like, get the most attention. It's fucked up. And actually, I do it in my relationship with my wife. And she's like a completely different kind of person than my mother. She's like, what? Shut up. What are you talking about? Shut up. Cancer, you fucking idiot.

And I'm like, well, wait a minute. You're supposed to be like, oh, you know. And so I'm trying to navigate. I have to call my mother with bad shits and just talk to my wife about, you know, the hills or whatever she watches. Whatever the shows are, I don't know. I sound like I'm 80 years old.

Whatever, whatever show these kids are watching. So at what point do you realize or acknowledge you're an alcoholic? I knew pretty early on, but I was always, I mean, I'm a comic and I was a Boston comic. So everyone's a fucking alcoholic. And so like, I was always i mean i'm a comic and i was a boston comic so everyone's a fucking

alcoholic and so like i was always around heavy drinkers so for years like right away i was like i'm like i'm drinking in a way you're not supposed to be drinking but i was 21 22 and most people binge drink at that time so you're like well everyone seems to be getting drunk college frats bullshit whatever and then all my friends were older than me and also just as bad or worse. And then it becomes like, well, they're married and drinking like this. I don't even, so you do a lot of like... Justifying.

Justifying, yeah. And then it was like mid to late 20s or whatever it probably was. Like I said, I knew I was a heavy drinker. I knew I was drinking more than you're supposed to drink and more often. And then there's stuff where you start drinking in the morning, drinking by yourself, all that shit, like blacking out.

And you're like, well, this seems weird. No one else is coming to the movie theater with a bunch of booze in their pocket. You know what I mean? No one else is drinking, doing shots at the whatever it is, birthday party. That's probably a little much so i definitely felt like you i can't sustain like this i'm eventually gonna have to quit for like most of the time i was drinking i'm like eventually i'll have to stop this is a lot uh yeah and what were you like as as an alcoholic i well you are still an alcoholic you say yeah. So what were you like when you were drinking?

I would go, I was like kind of manic. I'd be like a lot of like, this is the best night ever. Come on, isn't this crazy? We're all together. This is awesome. And then like a half hour later, I'd be like, you guys fucking hate me. I hate myself. And I would always ask everyone if they were mad at me.

I was that guy. Like, are you mad at me? Like, are you sure you're not mad at me? I thought everyone was mad at me. And then I was also like a vandal. I would get fucking crazy. Really? I'd break shit, steal shit, yeah.

I got really into like, like the parking garage arms, like those big things. I would always jump on those until they snapped. What? I would never pay you for that. No, yeah. Street signs. I was big into stealing street signs. What, like stop signs?

Yeah, just like pull them up on the street or just like smash them. And then I would go into like bathrooms and just piss all over the bathroom. It's horrible. Piss all over the bathroom and like take toilet paper and like piss on that. I remember one time I was at this bar, Jillian's. It's like a big pool bar, like Billiards Bar in Boston. And I just took the mirror off the bath. I just like somehow just fucking ripped it off.

I took it and just smashed it on the sink. And like my uncle was with me. My uncle's like four years old. He's the same age as me. That always sounds weird. He's four years older than me. I always forget I tell all these stories about my uncle. And people are like, your uncle?

What the fuck? And I'm like, no, no. He's like, I was 22. He was 26. uh it's a fucked up family but because people are always thinking like a six-year-old guy or something but that's what i was totally yeah so he was like i smashed it he's like it just exploded everyone was like we gotta go it was my my brother-in-law's bachelor party i remember just coming out of the bathroom and be like everybody go we gotta rock like everyone's

like what everyone had beers and i'm like get the fuck out of here. And so I was like that guy. It was wild. And I would jump on the hoods of cars and stuff and steal mailboxes. Parking lots? You'd run on the hoods of cars? Yeah, parked cars would run up and down cars. It was insane. Obviously, there's anger and aggression.

Yeah, and stuff like unmet needs that i'm just clear coming out yeah yeah it's probably still all in there now and i'm just like um but yeah no it was crazy i was like you know when you get sober you try to make amends and i'm like there's so many amends i can't make because you call jillian's like man guys listen yeah yeah i know i'll put seven years of bad luck on y'all that's about that mirror mirror, man. That's my bad. Yeah, I mean, there's so many places. I don't even know where I was. People were just waking up.

And I feel horrible about people come out and their fucking mailbox is gone. They're like, what is this? Or like the antennas off cars. I would steal those. I mean, it was horrible. But, you know, fuck them. I mean, we did some of that stuff when we weren't drinking in high school you know mail all we would mailbox yeah yeah that was stand by me that introduced everybody

and then all we're like guess what we're going to be doing this weekend right um but yeah so it was like i was an angry young man i guess what's the you have a you have a story about you have a blackout story you sent in i wanted to hear about here yeah yeah so i've told the story a few places i think i told it on rogan so i i feel bad if people already have heard this but yeah so i was um i had a serious girlfriend and then we broke up and that's when i was like at my worst because I was like in love with her and she left me how old are you this was um 0809 so I guess 27 and you're in New York yeah this is in New York and so then I was like oh my god I'm never gonna get another woman blah blah blah whatever and looking back she was just really great at sex I don't even think I liked her she was just hot um which is a lot I think that's a lot of relationships yeah i completely

understand yeah you're like a hot woman or guy whatever that's like fucks really well and then you break up and you're like i love her and then years later you're like actually i kind of hated her i just not that i hated her i like her when we're friendly whatever it doesn't matter um we were friendly before this uh podcast but anyway so i met this other girl that i liked she worked at caroline's comedy club in new york and i started like talking to her she was like the door girl and i was talking to her and i was we should all hang and i set up like a group hang so it's not like the pressure of like a date and then i was drinking i did the show called bar 82 which was samaril show and i was

like doing shots there because it was free drinks i remember being on stage at like 8.30 p.m. being like, I'm hammered. You know how you have that moment where you're like, whoa, I'm shit-faced. It just hits you, yeah. Then I went to Caroline's. I met up with a bunch of comics, Nate Bargatze, I'm sure you guys know. We started drinking there.

Then we would go to this shot bar called Barcelona Bar, which is still there, my favorite bar of all time. It was a bar that specifies in shots, or specializes, I should say. And it's like they have movie-themed shots. Like there's a full metal jacket, and they put it, you have an army helmet, and they're like, you fucking piece of shit,

give me 20 or whatever. And there's like a Harry Potter and all this shit. So we were just getting banged up, and I was doing all these shots. And I knew I was like, I hadn't eaten, and I knew I was too drunk, but I wanted to show these girls how fun I was. I had a flight the next day to Seattle.

I was going to the Seattle Comedy Competition, which is a month long. I was leaving for a month the next day. I had an 8 a.m. flight. I just got blacked out drunk. I was hanging out at this bar called 13th Step, ironically. I was at the bar. My best friend was a bartender there so we were drinking for free and i'm talking to the girl that i was like into and i guess i don't remember this i was in a blackout i kept being like you hate me you fucking hate me and then she was telling you this after the girl or your buddy okay the bartender and i got a few

other buddies in the area too and then she goes to the bathroom. He's like, dude, you got to stop saying that. He's like, she's into you. That's why she's here. She's like talking to you. You're a fucking idiot. You're blowing it. And then I guess as soon as she came back, I go, you love me.

You fucking love me. And I just completely, same behavior, just changed the fucking verb or whatever. But anyways, and at one point, for like 15 like a half hour like i said goodbye to everybody left and this is like i don't know what the hell happened this time and i just reappeared and there i guess everyone was like where did you go you left you said goodbye and i was like i know and i just kept going like so i have no idea that half hour two more harry potters god damn it that my that hour of my life, or half hour, is gone. Anyways, I have in and outs of being back on their couch.

These girls had me back at their place, and we were drinking beers. I remember throwing up, and I woke up in the next morning. It was bright, and I was in the girl that I liked, her roommate's bed. I just woke up. I was the only one in there. And I had to piss so bad. That's all I remember. I was like, I've never had to piss so bad in my life.

And I was like, I've got to find the bathroom. Because if I piss my pants, I'm going to be humiliated. And I went, found the restroom, urinated for like nine minutes. And then in the middle of it, I realized, I looked at the time, and I'm like, I have a fucking flight in like 30 minutes. Oh, holy shit. So it's gone. There's no chance. And I'm like, I live near the airport, and I'm like, I have a fucking flight in like 30 minutes. Oh, holy shit. So it's gone. There's no chance.

And I'm like, I live near the airport, but not that close to the airport. And then I started to have this feeling of like, something went wrong last night. And I walked through the living room, and the living room table was just like, someone had Chris Farley at the table. It was just like perfectly broken in half, flattened out. And I always say this i feel like you ever have that feeling where you're like that was me i know that was me i don't remember what happened but that's not my i did that and then i realized nobody's in the apartment and i was like oh my god i must have walked everybody like everyone must have left because

i was losing my mind and then i came back into the bedroom and there was a huge piss day like a huge puddle of it was a fluid but like that's got to be urine and then there was a high top nike sneaker with like a big shit sticking out like a spiky shit sticking the opposite of the shit you're having right now yes exactly this was no oil this was all substance and then there was like then i realized there was like pieces of shit around it and then i realized then i started like retrace my steps and there was like shit on like the kitchen floor like like footprint shit like i had walked through it. I scraped it through the house like a fucking dog. And right away, I was like, I got to kill myself.

This is crazy. And so I took the shoe. You remember none of that. No, no. I remember none of it. And I think I'm a wild animal, but I think I must have just thought that was the toilet. I had to shit, and I was like, this must be the bathroom. Because I don't imagine myself being like, this will be hilarious.

I'm also impressed with the accuracy i nailed it i'm also impressed with the act in a blackout you shit and i mean i i'd be impressed if you hit a toilet yeah i don't know how i did it i'd like someone held my hands and i leaned back or what but i got it in there and some of it was on the outsides And stuff And then I took My sock off And I picked up the shit With my Like a sock As a puppet

Oh god And I picked it up And then pulled it inside out Which was pretty quick thinking And so it was like A shit in a sock And I threw that in the trash And I remember trying to

Wipe up the kitchen Now I'm still drunk Basically It's like 10 o'clock in the morning And so I'm like Trying to Like scrub up As much of the shit as i

can but i also was like i gotta go get my shit and get to the airport get my stuff i should say you gotta leave your shit so i i throw the shit in the toilet and now i mean in the in the trash and then i text these women i'm like i'm so sorry i want to kill myself i'm so i'm the worst person on earth and then the woman texts don't worry you weren't that bad and we had a fun time just whatever it wasn't like that i was like boy these girls must fucking party like they were just like okay with it and i was like that's insane so then i go get my luggage i go to the airport i missed my flight i had to get the next flight which was a flight to boston connects in Boston, then flies from Boston to Seattle. Now, on the flight, at one point, I crossed my legs,

and I realized I have shit all up my pant leg. No. I'm covered in shit. Oh, no, dude. And it's, like, on my actual leg and my pant leg. So I slowly, like, suddenly put it back down. I'm just like, ooh. Put it back down.

And then this is, like, a 3,000-mile flight from Boston to Seattle. And you're just into it. And i'm just like and then this is like a 3 000 mile flight boston and you're just into and i'm just sitting there i'm like oh god i'm covered in shit so i'm feeling like it's great i'm feeling like the worst shame and i want i want to die oh god so then i land and i turn my phone back on and now it's like whatever it's like 5 p.m uh west coast times it's like eight o'clock so now i didn't realize this i get the text from the girl goes oh my god we had no idea how bad this was what the fuck and i was like well that's more like it that that feels like the response and now the whole time i was taking a shit and you so by the way you threw everything but you didn't take that trash out so they're coming home to that plus

a sock full of shit in their trash can that wasn't it was just the shoe before yeah and there's urine and it's like this and so the table's gone. The craziest realization there is, this is what's so insane about it, they had left for work when this happened. So, like, I shit in a woman's shoe at, like, 9.30 a.m. Like, they had left for work. It didn't happen in the night. Like, I woke up. Right, or they would have smelled it.

Yeah, of course. I mean, we were partying until, like, 5 o'clock in the morning. So they must have, like, like woke up gone to work and then i was the man of the house and just shit in a shoe like in the daytime which makes it that much more depressing it really does yeah i'm gonna get with you on that morning sun still yeah it's like coming up it's in my eyes and i'm taking a dump in a nike oh my god but i have the uh i had i said this i have the message somewhere on facebook it's like so insane and um they actually were pretty quick because they were like 22 so i had sent this long facebook message being like i'm the worst person i've ever drank like

this never happened and i sent them 300 bucks and i remember calling nate bargatze and being like is that too much is that weird and he's like i don't think there's an amount yeah right there's not they're gonna be like what um so i sent him 300 bucks which was like a huge amount of my money at the time i was broke and uh i wrote a long apology and again the fact that they were 22 helped i think if they were in their 30s they would have fucking called the police oh my god um and then i almost went on a date with the girl whose shoe it was after that yeah because like how in the hell did you even well i think i'm a nice guy so i went eventually i went back there and was like hey and like nate kind of went and like nate was like my guardian he like went and kind of talked to them beforehand and uh i was like

again i'm really sorry and she's like it, it's cool. Like, just whatever happens. And I had tickets to go see a Letterman taping. And I was like, would you want to go with me to that? And she was like, sure. And then something ended up coming up. Like, she's like, ah, maybe her friend was like, you can't go on a taping. Yeah, right. But anyway, she ended up canceling. And it never worked out.

But, yeah, it was definitely like a low point. And then I continued to drink. i should have quit and i remember thinking that night when i got to seattle i remember thinking well i'm gonna drink again eventually so i might as well just drink tonight and i ended up drinking that night so that was like a bottom and i just kind of hung out on the bottom it was bad jesus when did you finally say all right enough's enough what was there a moment did something happen or did you just finally hit well then realization i guess later on the same year like six months later i got herpes on christmas eve and that um i got that's why i had my first outbreak and uh it was quite a gift.

And that was like another like, Jesus Christ, what is wrong with me? What happened? That one, well, that one wasn't even like necessarily like booze induced. I was drinking when I got it. But that one was like a girl I liked. She was cool. And she was like, hey, I have have herpes but we were already like about to fuck so i was like whatever i mean she could have told me she had razor blades in her but you went unprotected yeah you did yeah i was like whatever and then uh that's how you get herpes

that's exactly how you get herpes if you're wondering how you get it when someone tells you i have it yeah you don't use protection and i was like that's how you get herpes. If you're wondering how you get it. When someone tells you I have it and then you don't use protection. That's how you get it easily. Here's the thing. If you want to be a good person and tell people you have herpes but still want to get laid,

if you're a woman particularly, you tell, or a gay man, if you're going to have to fuck a man, you tell them right as you're naked, right before they enter. Because once you've decided, okay, I'm about to get laid. This this is great it's hard to be like never mind like again like she could have been like i have aids and i'm bleeding i would have been like whatever i don't care i'll work around figure that out this medicine whatever

you know what i mean so it's like it's hard to not i was like christmas eve huh yeah well that was that was earlier in the year and then christmas eve is when i had the outbreak and at first i thought maybe it was like razor burn like because she had a shaved vagina like maybe it's razor burn but then you're like well that doesn't make sense because you're not rubbing your dick on her butt like it's like there's no stubble inside of her vagina and then it was like it became clear because i was still drinking so like my immune system was all out of whack and it was just like it just hit me it was like three weeks of outbreak it was horrible and i still have it but i don't have outbreaks almost ever anymore but that was like another one of like

i gotta make better decisions but then i kept drinking for like another year after that. And then when eventually I quit, it was like, again, I kept knowing I had to stop. And I like blacked out on family Christmas. I'm looking forward to Christmas. I'm going to go home. It'll be great. And then like. So does that mean you won?

Did you win Christmas? I think I kind of nailed it. I mean, I broke all the gifts. No, that's a joke. But I remember getting there and just being like. I'm sorry, is this the same Christmas? No, no, this is a different Christmas. This actually ended up being two years later.

And I remember thinking I got to quit. And I was so looking forward to Christmas. And then I was just like in a blackout. And all the gifts I got were booze, which is also a bad sign. Everyone's like, we got your whiskey. We got your whiskey too. And you're like, oh, geez. You're like, God, everybody knows me so well.

And so I also was in a period where I wouldn't drink. And people were like, you're not drinking. Why aren't you drinking? You're like, oh, this is now my identity. And I also had this thing where I talked to a friend of mine who was in recovery. And he's like, see if you can have six drinks a night which is a lot of drinks that is a lot like keep it to six and I was like no problem that's a good question what were you would you say you average the night if you're being asked to just do six it depends like I would for a week I would do just

I would do the max do six no but I mean before that when you're drinking what did you say you would have a night it depends but like I would have i remember one time you had double digits yeah usually double digits because i would drink all night or like shots and beers captain and coke was like my main drink i remember one time feeling like i had an arrhythmia like my heart was racing all the time so i went to the doctor and he's like do you drink and i was like yeah he's like what do you drink i was like captain and coke he's like how many do you have in a night and i was like i don't know do you drink? And I was like,

yeah. He's like, what do you drink? I was like, Captain and Coke. He's like, how many do you have in a night? And I was like,

I don't know, 12, 15. And he thought I was like kidding. And he's like, yeah, dude. He's like,

the Coke alone is going to kill you. Like, that's crazy. He's like, even if there was no rum, that's insane. And I was like, wow, all right.

And like, it's just like, fuck, yeah, I guess, but it's delicious, you know? And so, when I would go hard but like even the nights i would say i wasn't drinking i would have four or

five beers and two or three shots that was like a night off to me i'd be like i really last night yeah i didn't drink last yeah i'd be like i had a couple shots and a few beers so i don't know sometimes and then it depends like when i would be like in maine with my family on vacation we'd start drinking at noon i would drink for 11 hours so you'd drink like a bottle of rum or whatever and it was bad but like i mean at the time i was in my 20s so like when you're in your 20s you can drink like that and the next day i would like run i'd play basketball i'd feel like shit but like you could kind of get away with it and then I hit 30 and start my hangover started to like really fuck me up and

yeah it was Christmas of 2012 I'll come up in seven years almost well it's past now that when people are hearing it but as we record and it was like Christmas I remember like blacking out and my brother-in-law his father had just died and I made like a joke about it like yeah because you're fucking

dead dad or like something and I remember seeing his face and he was like what are you doing and i remember like that was like a big moment of like oh man i'm like i'm not funny i'm just an asshole because i thought i was like yeah you know dead dad jokes and his dad died like three days earlier and i just remember like oh i just remember him being like dude what are you doing and i was like oh i don't know fuck sorry i thought and then just having that like shame there was so much shame and i hated myself i mean i fucking hated myself and then i remember going home the next day i was doing a show back in new york and i was like i gotta take a break i gotta not drink and then of course i got shithoused like four in the morning and that's when i felt like

i can't stop i'm like trying to, and I can't. And at this point, other than, I mean, it's taken a toll in a lot of ways. Are you feeling anything physically at this point, or no? I felt like shit. You're still young enough? Yeah, I felt like shit all the time, and I also realized I felt kind of foggy all the time, where I always describe it as when I turn my head,

it felt like it took a moment for everything to catch up. I felt like just a fog, just a like like my reactions were like slower i felt like a just a fuck up like whoa what and i realized i was like hungover or drunk or drinking almost all of the time i was either i was one of those three okay things and then I went and did Helium in Philadelphia with Gary Gellman. I was opening for him. That's another bad sign. I was fucking 14 years into comedy and featuring everywhere and had no money. But I was featured for him, and we started talking about it.

I was like, I've got to stop drinking. And then he gave me one of those alcoholic tests. You might be an alcoholic, which is like a running joke in sobriety circles like if someone's giving you that test you just fucking you know yeah you're an alcoholic no one normal people don't just be like let me see if i'm an alcohol so i ended up there's like 25 questions and i is number one if you're taking this test because it really should it should be like it's like yeah did somebody say let me read these questions to you? Was this sent to you? But it was like 25 questions, and I answered like 23 of them yes. And it was like, if you answered 10 or more, you might be in a...

And I was like, oh, I nailed it. And the two that I said no to were like... Nailed it. The two that I said no to were kind of like asterisks, where it was like, have you ever been hospitalized for drinking? And I'm like, no. But I'm like, I have like shat blood before you're like i should have gone to the hospital um or like have you been arrested and i'm like no

but i'm like i've driven drunk a million times i just got lucky so uh whatever it was it was that weekend and it kind of like hit me like yes i need to like i'll i'll be a sober guy i felt this like different feeling of, like, this is what I'm going to do. And, like, I started, like, counting days, and I made a list. Because I was very, like, successful as we were. I was, like, popular in high school.

I didn't drink in high school, but I was, like, a good athlete, and I was popular. Like, people, I was a popular guy, and I had a great time. Like, I was succeeding. So I was, like, I've lived soberly before. It's not like I started drinking when I was 10. I exceeded at life while not drinking.

I'm like, I can do this again. Then I had all of my wife, my girlfriend then, was sober. We dated for about a year and a half while I was still drinking, but she was sober, sober in recovery. I was close to that through her. I had really close friends that were sober in recovery and so i started talking to them immediately and then i was like okay this is going to be my new life and then you have like what alcoholics call like a pink cloud where like

early on i was like everything makes sense like everything was like i'm gonna go to a museum and look at the museum like it's like, I'm going to watch sports again. I'm going to really get... That's called a pink cloud. Yeah, where you're like, everything's like, fucking woo, amazing. And then after a few months, it starts to wear, and then you're like, oh, you're back to all these same problems

you had before. But there's a moment of just complete clarity of like, this makes sense. Everything is new again. It feels like a sequel to life which i still feel that way now but you gotta like tap into it because problems start to come back but yeah so it was like that weekend and i remember there's another great moment with uh gary gullman who's not sober but he doesn't really drink he's not a drinker and i was talking

to him and i was like okay he was like convinced me to not drink and i was like but what about when i'm at a party and you just hate everybody there and you go you gotta like what am i supposed to do then and he's like you go home and it was like like it blew my mind i was like that never occurred to me in my whole life i was like oh you're saying don't spend time with people you dislike and it really like even like now is like wow yeah maybe i'll not hang out with people i fucking hate and i still now like it's seven years later i still now like do my show and i'm like okay good night everybody i'm gonna go home and then like then it's like i always had this pressure to be like we gotta live man you gotta like get drunk and be like everything's romanticized like tom waits and uh all these

movies like romanticizes this idea of being like we're fucking pirates and then you're like oh no i'm just a fuck up i'm just a fucking idiot um so yeah that was basically that man i don't know i that's an interesting term that pink cloud i. I love the everything's all rainbows, and then you're right back to, yeah, that fresh. I think a lot of people also just in life are, you know, you ever meet those people that are in love with love or, you know, everything's always greener. Let me get the new job. I once read a quote, and it was just recently, where it said, if you're always looking for the next best job, friend, car, partner, whatever it is, then you're never going to be happy where you are. You're never going to be complacent right here and enjoy this moment because it's always like, well, that will be a better job. That will be a better person, business partner, love partner, whatever it is. And I think that's really interesting, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm still trying to figure out now is that thing of finding some contentment. I think I'm doubling down on contentment. I think that's a word. I want to go with it. It feels right. Yeah, it feels like something. How about that?

Or the idea of, I've always had this idea, and through therapy and sobriety, I'm realizing now that life was something that was like in the distance. When I start really living, when I get to this apartment and you're like, oh, it's happening now. It's already been happening.

And so I'm figuring that out now through meditation and Wim Hof breathing that I've been doing for two days. I'm going to check that Wim Hof. It's something. And so, yeah, it's something and so yeah it's still a struggle to kind of navigate everything without losing my mind but yeah i'm better now than i've been although i am shitting oil how old are you uh 37 all right

so i've got almost 10 years on you and i can tell you what happened to me was it's you said it earlier you said it's probably still in there and what i didn't realize is how much of it is still in there and i had a just i've said this on here before but the thing that got me into the whole thing was my daughter it was a little too close for comfort when she almost got hit by a car and that all that did was it was like and here here it all comes, you know, and it's just started like all of a sudden I started worrying about flying and having a fear of heights. I'm like, what the fuck are these new fears? This is a part of aging. No, it's not part of aging.

It's part of understanding and getting to realize that all this shit you've had pent up something out of your control just popped it open. So it's there. Yeah, it's always there. Yeah, and I think a lot of it's, like, strangely evolutionary, where I start being like, oh, my God, I'm panicking. There's something wrong with me. But even that muscle is from being a caveman and being like, there's a fucking saber to the tiger over there.

We better get ready to run. Your heart's like, let's get some blood pumping. What is this liquid falling from the sky and everything? Yeah, yeah yeah exactly so it's it it is like in you and like that's what i'm trying to be like mindful of of like okay that's anxiety that's the reaction to this and um i think that's really helped me is like my new mantra that i got from my therapist is fear is just fear and my thoughts are not reality i try to like repeat that over and over again. Man, that's great. Yeah, because you start believing what's going on. Earlier I was like, I keep going back to this oily shit,

but I was like, I'm dying, something's wrong, and I Google it and I'm like, okay, this is something that happens from eating the thing that I've been eating a ton of and it should go away. Let me try to relax. The therapist I went to see, she called it future tripping. I just love that term yeah you know you're always worrying about what's going to happen from this and I might have this going on and what I'm going to say in this situation everything and none of it's even real yeah and

just your thoughts running away from you there's a Tom Petty lyric sure as night follows day most things I worry about never happen anyway. It's true. Of course, he died. He died. I'm pretty sure he was worried about that. Yeah, he was worried about that. That's what's going to happen to all of us. But yeah, we will die for sure.

We're going to die, but not today probably. Hopefully not. Yeah, good idea. I have to drive. And then the stories continue, not just in personal life, even into your career. So you have a last comic story that I'd love to hear about. But I want to ask you, how long into stand-up are you when you get on Last Comic? So that story took place right in the middle of all of it.

I tried to do a one-man story for a one-man show about this. So this is all 2010 was when my girlfriend that I lived with and loved left me. I mean, that sounds so dramatic. We broke up, whatever. Left me makes it sound like we were in our 50s and whatever. But we broke up. That was like devastating. And I started drinking heavy.

And then shortly after that, it was like March of 2010. So I was about 10 years into comedy or maybe nine and a half years into comedy. I did Last Comic Standing, which was the season that Felipe Esparza won and Tommy Johnnigan, Mike Kaplan. 10 years into comedy or maybe nine and a half years into comedy i did last comic standing which was the season that felipe esparza won tommy john again mike caplan um and this is like a this is like a sad story but funny so she had just left i couldn't get over i was like i don't even care about comedy i wanted her i was in love with her i thought that was gonna be my life and then she broke up and then last Comic Standing came to town. It was the year Geraldo was a judge.

And I went and did the show. And I passed on to the next round. You did the daytime. The first round was in front of Kindler. At the Hollywood Improv with no one else there. This was at Gotham. Yeah, it was just the three of them. It was Kindler and Natasha Leggero and Geraldo.

So you just auditioned for them, which is so weird. And they laughed. They liked it. And then you come back that night to do an actual show at Gotham. And I killed. And then I was the last one they called. They give you a red ticket that's just an envelope. And they're like, here's your ticket to Hollywood.

And then they were like, there's one more comic advance. They announced nine or whatever they're like the final comic and there's like this big moment like is joe list and i waved into the camera and said i miss you becca like i said i was like i thought this was gonna be on tv yeah and i was like she's gonna see this it's gonna be amazing and i got my dumb red ticket i really thought like somehow i thought that was gonna air air. I don't know. I'm a fucking idiot. They're going to air. Yeah. So then I remember thinking, sitting on the subway, being like, I don't need her. That's a girl. I'm a comedian. And it was this moment of, I'm fucking back, baby. I'm in showbiz.

And I was like, that's what I really want. And then I went to LA here, or Glendale. It's so funny how many things in the industry, you're like, here's your ticket. It's just a red envelope. And they're like, you're going to Hollywood. I'm in Glendale. That's for sure. many things in the industry. You're like, here's your ticket. It's just a red envelope. And they're like, you're going to Hollywood. I'm in Glendale. None of this is true. This is all bullshit.

None of this is real. It's all bullshit. So then I went to that round. And then I won that round. And I went to the semifinals or whatever. So at this point, you've performed for the judges and then two actual shows. Yeah. OK.

And how much time are you doing? Like three to five? I think they're all like three minutes or four minutes. Yeah. Okay. And how much time are you doing? Like three to five? I think they're all like three minutes or four minutes, yeah. So I'm like feeling great. And so I'm like, I remember I have an email because I was still talking to my ex-girlfriend.

She moved to Argentina. She went to like teach underprivileged kids or some horse shit. She's a great person. So like I emailed her and being like i i have the email it's so embarrassing i was like i'm gonna be a minor celebrity like i was like i'm because that's nbc i'm like i'm making it like this is crazy and i'm like you're gonna she's probably down there jealous meanwhile she doesn't give a shit about me and um and then the show air and i told her how to stream it i was

like you can stream it it's on tonight And I'm telling everybody it's on Facebook. And then they don't tell you if you're edited out. I never even knew that was an option. So I just watched the whole show. And like, you can kind of see my arm. And I was like, wait a minute. And I didn't know that was even possible. Meanwhile, they make Star Wars.

They're like in space. I'm like, of course it's possible. They can make anything. And so they just edited me completely out without like not even like a quick shot in b-roll or anything showing the comics on stage that night and you did two shows yeah and there's not a second of me in there and then they're like and the final comedian moving on like they show that but it's just a different person like they just plugged in a different person and i was like what so wait you were selected the top 10 and they just replaced you without even telling you that part yeah so what happened the season before that

evidently was they said people are moving on like they're like you made it to the semi-finals and then afterwards amended it and they didn't send them to la which was of course like heartbreaking for that person so this time they said that won't happen again if you get told you're going to la you're going to la but they might edit you out they didn't mention that part so they still might never devastate us yeah and so then immediately i'm getting all these texts and emails being like hey were you just kidding i didn't see you at all and i was like fuck and so i got completely edited out nobody ever said like oh we're sorry yeah we had whatever um so that was it and that's when oh so at that same time then my ex-girlfriend was like invited me to come meet up with her in peru she's like you know what i feel like we've matured why don't you come down hang out with me and so then I had like the opposite.

I was like, who needs comedy? I'm getting the girl back. Comedy's bullshit anyway. Fuck this business. I'm going to get, that's what I really wanted anyways. And then I go down there

and we hung out. We had a great time, but I was like, so we're getting back. I tried to like hook up. She's like, no, no, no, you fucking idiot.

I just wanted to be friends or whatever. And so that was devastating. And then I came back from that. Yeah. So I lost the girl, then lost, then got last coming devastating and then i came back from that yeah so i lost the girl then lost then got last coming standard then lost last coming standard then thought i was getting the girl back but lost the girl again and then the end of the year i ended up with like a

horrific herpes outbreak so that's all that was all 2010 yeah holy shit and then drank for like another couple years but then i got sober and now I'm successful. All right. So what was it when you finally stopped? What was it? AA? Like what was it that really helped and, and just continue to help? Yeah, that was, I got into like the programs, I go into meetings and stuff, which I hate talking too much about. Cause people take that shit seriously. Uh, talking about it too much, but yeah, I go there. It helps me. I like it. I love it. And, um, like I said, my wife is sober and i had sober friends and it

just started where everything just kind of asked you when you say my wife's sober does that mean she is also she's also in recovery yeah so she's got about two years on me or so two and a half years because i think she just celebrated 10 years and i'm about to celebrate seven years so have you ever dated a person uh that just didn't drink like that could literally have like half a beer or a beer and yeah a couple of yeah like my previous girlfriend was like that yeah i always thought that didn't help you no no no well maybe a little bit like i wouldn't drink as much but then when we weren't around i would just go back to it whatever that's always fascinating people that like

would just leave a beer behind like they'd go to the bathroom and then they would come back and be like they forgot they had a drink or they'll leave like half a beer full i still am like can you drink that because that's crazy to me like it's it's strange to me to be like oh i had a drink earlier but i don't even know where it is i'm like i've never lost it i know where your drink is i've never lost a drink in my life like that's crazy but um yeah so i got like also like i said like things just started working. Like, I got sober, and then I got into this comedy cellar. Because I was like, if I'm going to get sober, let me try to, which I had previously been in and fell out there.

But that's a whole other story. Can you talk about it? Yeah, so when I first moved to New York, I was opening for Nick DiPaolo a bunch. We were buddies, and we're still buddies. But I was opening for him, and then he recommended me at the comedy cellar, which is a really tough club to get into, especially back then. Not as tough now,

but I digress. But he recommended, he had never recommended anybody before. And so I ended up getting past there like immediately. I auditioned past and I did one spot. I followed Sherrod Small, who's like a tough ball. He just kills.

And then I went, I was so nervous. I was like shaking and like, oh, I just fucking ate it. And then the booker was like, how'd it go? And I was like, oh, not good. And then I just never got booked. I put in a veil for like two years. And I was like, I guess I'm out there. So I had to re-audition when I got sober.

But I was like, if I'm getting sober, I got to make, I got to go for it. Like, what's the point of getting sober? So I auditioned there and got back in there and I was like, okay, now I'm in at the cellar. And then I started a podcast, which is still going Tuesdays with stories. And like that started to do well. And then I decided like, oh, I can, I should try to get a late night. Cause for years when you're drinking, this is like the kind of attitude you have is like, I don't get anything. No one's ever, I've never gotten anything. No one gives me anything. Meanwhile, I'm like, literally not even trying to get a late night. I'm like, just waiting for someone to call me and be like, do you want to just come do Letterman? Even though there's no audition.

And so then like, once you get sober, you're sort of more pragmatic and understanding. I'm like, let me try to get that. And I eventually did. It took time to get it but i eventually did and then you start having this thing of like oh i could be successful i could be healthy i could get back into shape i could fucking and so sobriety was just working for me my relationships were better and then you start having this thing of like well i don't want to go back to that right and especially when you start accumulating time you're like god that would suck to go all the way back to that beginning so it's just worked for me like all the success i've had in comedy has come in sobriety i mean literally all of it um so yeah it's working how long have you been sober just about seven almost exactly seven years the 28th of december will seven years. And at any moment, do you ever think about going back?

Are you ever tested or challenged? Or is that an everyday thing? A little bit. There's a thing that really helps is a saying, think about your last drunk, not the first drink. So to think about a beer sounds great. The idea of, especially in LA, it's sunny, sitting outside with an IPA sounds nice.

But think about shitting in a shoe. Exactly. It's like that feeling of like, what? Fuck you guys. You know what I mean? So to think about a drink sounds great, but I know where it would lead. There's times on vacation with family, because they all drink. And that's when I felt more connected to them. Cause like you do feel a connection when you're drinking with someone.

Cause you're like, yeah, it's got another one. Yeah. It's easier to make relationships where it's harder to sustain relationships. So never, it's never like a practical, I look at it very similarly to cheating on my wife where you're like,

yeah, like I would love to have sex with that woman, but then like, it would just be shame. I wouldn't be able to face my wife. I wouldn like yeah like i would love to have sex with that woman but then like it would just be shame i wouldn't be able to face my wife i want to kill my ruins everything yeah so it's like well i'll just not do that and so i masturbate thinking about beer i'm like oh fucking captain and coke um it's like that could be a bit maybe um but no it's like you i'm like you try to which i'm trying to figure out with food because like i was talking i keep going back to it like i have this problem

with diet me too where it's like i want a waffle with fucking butter and syrup and then you eat it and then like the next day you're like i'm gonna do that again and then it's like fuck i feel like shit i'm shitting i got an oil spill in my toilet um but yeah so it's again it's all managing that stuff but that's what's harder about quitting food or whatever because there's no there's no real immediate result like if I drank I'd be fucking shitting in the floor good point but if you eat a you know chicken parm or whatever you're not like dying you're just like ah it's not the best thing for me yeah so uh but yeah i feel pretty good now that's great man in this moment all right i've been closing

out the shows with uh advice you would give to your 16 year old self uh dear 16 year old me what would you what would you like to say to your 16 year old self um okay what i would like to say to my 16 year old self is wear a condom just go with it condoms are good they're fun no i don't it's hard because like i i just i felt like i wouldn't listen to myself even if i went back there and was like dude i'm covered in herpes listen to me look at me right now this is yeah like 16 year old me would be like shut up you fucking nerd that's the best part about this whole thing is that somewhere in our life we probably got some of that advice it just like shut the fuck up yeah like everything there's a movie called when stand-up stood out about the boston comedy scene in the 80s and like they

showed it to us it's all about these guys that kind of fucked up they did too much blow and booze and they ruined their career not ruined but fucked up their career and we all watched it you know all these boston comics and then we were like ah that's great yeah all right um but anyways i would invite like it's you're gonna be fine it's it's not nothing is as bad as you think it is just fucking fucking relax. And it's going to be okay. You're not dying. And you'll know when you're actually dying. I think. I hope.

I would just try to say take it easy and enjoy it. Because it's fun and you're going to be fine. Awesome. One more time, please, again, plug everything. New podcast, everything. I know I've got you doing it again. That's all right. It's Tuesdays with Stories with Mark Norman.

Every week, comedy podcast. And then I have a brand new podcast called Mindful Metal Jacket. And it's more serious. And then I'm on Twitter and Instagram at JoeListComedy. And then ComedianJoeList.com has all my dates and stuff.

All right. This was great, dude. Thank you so much. Thank you. I do appreciate you. I appreciate it. As always, RyanSickler so much. Thank you. I do appreciate you. I appreciate it. As always, ryansickler.com,

Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week. Bye.