The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

The saga continues! Joey Diaz returns to The HoneyDew! Starting in the summer of 1982, we cover from the ages of 18 to 20 (I think). We get to the Denver days, Denver nights, Denver drugs & Denver B&Es. I’m documenting Joey Diaz’s life story until we’re current! It could take 50 episodes and Joey might be in his late 60’s by then, but damnit it’s happening here on The Dew!

This episode is brought to you by Upstart. More on that later. Let's get into the do. But before we do, I want to tell you, and I apologize for this. It's not something I really wanted to do, but Phoenix, I'm not going to be there this weekend with everything going on, with all the announcements from the CDC, with all the announcements from the DOH. It's not smart to be out there.

Let's get through this thing and get past it and we'll have some fun. So Phoenix House of Comedy, my dates have been rescheduled. I'll be there September 24th through the 26th. Your tickets will still be honored. We'll have a good time then. As a guy with a nickname already, a sickle cell, I don't need to add any more shit to the list. You know what I'm saying? I'll see you in September, Phoenix. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house.

I'm Ryan Sickler. You can follow me on all social media at Ryan Sickler. My website's ryansickler.com. Go sign up for the email list there, the newsletter. Phoenix House of Comedy, I'll be there this weekend, the 19th through the 21st. I'll be at the La Jolla Comedy Store March 26th. And I'll be at the Rec Room in Huntington Beach April 3rd. And then I'll be up in Vancouver

coming to see you for the first time Vancouver at the House of Comedy April 23rd through the 25th go to ryan sickler.com for more dates I'll be in Boston this year I'll be in Minneapolis I'll be in Edmonton I'm planning on New York Baltimore I got some places I want to go this year so get over there you'll see all the updates there. The website for the show here is thehoneydoopodcast.com. That's where you can go follow on social media there. Everything's there you need. The merch, the social links, all that stuff. And if you are new to the show, what we do here is we highlight the low lights. I love to say that this is the stories, excuse me, these are the stories behind the storytellers.

And this week's storyteller is no stranger to the honeydew. We'll be picking up where we left off. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. The one and only Joey Diaz, everybody. Joey Diaz is back. How are you, sir? I'm great. I'm always great when I'm sitting across from you.

Me too. I feel good, too. You feel good? A little 7-Eleven coffee. Yeah, you came with it. That's the shit the terrorists drink. What's your hummus joke that I keep? Every time you eat hummus, the terrorists get a dollar.

Yeah, every time you eat hummus. Whenever we eat onion dip, nobody was getting blown up. The World Trade Center was dead. Think about that. When we're eating onion dip, farting, your fucking shit smells like death from that Lipton soup powder. That's like my car. There's chemicals in there to make a bomb Lipton soup.

And all of a sudden we start eating hummus and fucking buildings start going down. But what are you going to do? Now there's no more ISIS. Now it's the Chinese walking around. They bombed the Chinese and they sent them out across the world to fucking. You haven't heard from ISIS. It's the coronavirus. You think about that? Nice and quiet. Alright, so where the fuck

were we? This is where we were. When we ended last, we were chronicling your whole fucking life. This is what happens and we're going to be current. We left off in May of 82. That's where we left off. I believe you were 18. Is that right? 18? Yeah. Something like that in May of 82. That's where we left off. I believe you were 18. Is that right? 18.

Yeah. Something like that. May of 82 is what you said. It was supposedly my senior year of high school. What do you mean by supposedly? It was supposed to be my senior year of high school, but I quit in September to get a job in the warehouse. I just didn't see any point.

So the beginning of your senior year, you quit. I quit. Okay. And then my friend's dad, who was the superintendent of the senior year you quit. My friend's dad who was the superintendent of schools kind of talked me back into it. They moved some shit around for me to get slipped back in there in November.

So I got put on unemployment. So I collected unemployment, went back to high school. So because you started working in September they put you on unemployment. They always do when the winter dies. The job dies so they would always lay somebody off. So I got put on unemployment, and that January I connected. So you're actually being paid while you're going to school.

While I was going to school, plus I was robbing, you know, whatever the fuck, everything else. We've heard. So now I hook up with this crew. So now I hook up with this crew. 1982 was probably my best year because it's what I, the summer of 82 is the summer to beat. Like no summer has ever beat summer of 82. And it started around that time, like January of 82. It was four of us, and then we always had like a special guest star

who hung out with us. Like you had to like a special guest star who hung out with us. Like you had to be a special guest star to hang out with us. Like show up with a half a gram or you had quaaludes or you knew somebody who fucking had heroin. That's the only way you could be a guest star. So it was just weird.

I was on my own. I lived with a family called the Runnies who had four boys and a couple girls. The Runnies. The Runnies, and we lived downstairs, me and Mike. We lived in a basement apartment downstairs. That's Mike, their son? Mike, their son.

I'm tight with Steve. I'm tight with all four boys, but I'm really tight with Mike. He's my age. He's my age. So I was, by like May, they told me that no matter how many classes I took, I was still going to be short a couple credits to graduate. So I was like, you know what? Why am I doing this? I don't want to graduate on stage.

I got no parents. It's not like my parents are going to come to watch me on stage. I go, fuck this shit. And I just quit high school altogether. And I was delivering refrigerators and washes and dries. Did you ever get a GED? Yeah, I got a GED years later before I went to prison because it makes you look better in front of the judge. Oh, it does? Yeah, we'll get to that story later. Yeah, let's build. Let's build. So I didn't even think of a GED. Like, I was like, fuck it. You know, and at that time, you know, in the 70s

when you quit high school, you were done. Like, you were done. Yeah, I guess back then, yeah. You might as well put a tattoo on your wrist and end your life if that's what it meant, that you were going to be a fucking loser. So that whole period fucked with me. It wasn't bad enough.

My mom had died and I was living with a friend's house. And now I'm officially a fucking loser. Once you quit high school in the seventies, you might as well put a BTL lose tattoo on your forehead because you're born to lose. You're going to be a blue collar guy. You know, you're going to fight for the rest of your life. You have no education. And in the 70s, they looked more at that. Now, they don't give a fuck. You know, now these kids are coming out with a bunch of debt.

But in the 70s, you had to go to college. Yeah. It was well documented. You had to go to college and get a degree and then you get a job. So I was like broken inside. So my answer to that degree, and then you'd get a job. So I was, like, broken inside. So my answer to that was just I just acted like a senior. I didn't go to school, but I still hung out with them. I still went to the events.

I didn't go to the senior prom, but I went to the night when they make you, like, the most likely to succeed and shit like that. Like the honors and shit. And it was around that time, I'll never forget, like, waiting for my friend to win Adonis. Like, he won Best Body. So we had to wait for him to get the award, and we were parked outside. And we got in the car, we went right to 135th Street.

We copped a fucking eight ball and my buddy Sabatino's father owned a liquor store and he would dose his dad at night like with fucking with two and alls and shit. What, to knock him out so he could get out? And he'd take the fucking keys

and we'd open up the liquor store and I'll never forget that particular night. He took the biggest bottle of Jack and a case of nips. You know what nips are, the eight-ounce beers? Yeah, we called them ponies. Ponies. So when you buy a six-pack, there's four six-packs. But when you buy an eight-pack, there's six eight-packs.

So we fucking got a six-pack. We got a bottle of Jack. We got an eight-ball and There's six 8-packs. So we fucking got a 6-pack. We got a bottle of Jack. We got an 8-ball and a half of Coke because we bought Coke for everybody else. And we took it to this bar on 22nd Street in Union City across from it was across from a county

coroner's office. That was a bar where we used to get angel dust and shit and all of a sudden we're like we're going down to celebrate the fucking awards night. Like this is the worst bar in the world. And sure enough a fight breaks out and fucking some guy corners me with a bottle

and he's just about to fucking cut me. And my buddy comes flying out of the bushes and just fucking knocks this guy out. I stepped on glass. I slipped my foot open through the fucking sneaker. Every time I walked, I could feel the sock going from the blood and stuff like that. But it was, we were out every night, like every fucking night.

We were out seven nights a week. The only exception was they went to school and I didn't. Right. You know? So are you with the, what's the kid's name you were close with living in the basement? Mike Runny. So is he running with you too? Mike Runny was a freshman in college now.

Okay, so he's a freshman in college. He's doing his own thing. And you're still living there at the time? I'm still living there. They let you come and go or just quietly sleeping in? Yeah, they let me come and go. I paid $35 rent a week. I was part of their family.

They were very good to me. I'm still very tight with them. Very, very tight with them. In fact, they have kids now. When I speak to the kids, the kids come to my show. Really? Yeah. How old are the kids now?

Dirties. Wow. They come to the shows. Uncle Joey. Yeah. The girls especially. So May of 82, I'm already, uh, like I'm already, I'm running with my friends, but I'm also doing things outside the box that my friends didn't know about. You know what I'm saying? Because I didn't want them to know. Like I was already doing drug deals like they didn't know about. I would rob a drug, like while they were in school,

I would rob a dealer in West New York and they would never know. All right, so this is what I want to ask you. Walk me through the strategy of robbing a dealer. What do you do to rob a dealer? That's fucking dangerous. Let's say I went to high school in North Bergen. I feel like that's more dangerous than robbing a store back then. Well, let me tell you what happened.

I went to school in North Bergen, high school, but my mother owned a bar in Union City, so I knew everybody in Union City, and Union City turns into West New York, which is another big Cuban community. My stepfather had a business in West New York, so I knew that whole hot block. It's 57th Street, and I knew Union City.

I knew tons of people in Union City. So I would, in the daytimes, like in the mornings, I didn't have a job. My job was the case. I would just get on a bus and come up here. And I knew you guys would be here. So I'd come in here, hang out with you guys. I'd go outside to smoke a joint. Maybe that guy that we saw before with the glass, he pulls up with a van, he goes inside.

But on the van, there's four TVs. I'd tell you, pull the car around, we're going to rob this guy. We were shit when we were sleeping, you know what I'm saying? But in those days, what I was doing was, I had to deliver appliances, so I would show up with my buddy. He didn't even know what I was doing. That's how dumb he was.

We would have two different trucks, and I would show my buddy to, like, Sickler Electronics, and they would say, okay, you're picking up four TVs and two stoves and two refrigerators. I'd fucking load up whatever I had to load up. He'd load up whatever he had to, and if there was something lurking, I'd load it up like I didn't know what it was. Like one time I just loaded up 30 air conditioners.

30? 30 air conditioners. I don't know what that's a hell of a lot. At 200 a pop in May. What, are you kidding me? Right, right. 200 a pop, $4 air conditioners, 200 a pop all day long. It was like I had the summer

of good luck. Everything was in my corner. There's a bunch of stories here we could tell in between. There was a girl I was in love with that took me four years to get in her pants and finally got in her pants that fucking June. She asked me

as a matter of fact, like for four years I was like, I just had her on a rope. I knew I was going to drop some dick on her eventually. I just didn't know when. And one day she called me and she's like, what are we doing this? And I was in love with her. Yeah. I was totally in love with her.

But 82 was when we just caused havoc. Like older kids were calling me going, where are you guys going tonight? Because you guys like to talk of the town. Monday nights was Monday night football. Tuesday night was Shillelagh's in Jersey City. 8 to 10, 60 cents, Alabama Slammers, 20 cents for a mug of Heineken. 20 cents?

Are you fucking kidding me? And from 8 to 10, it would be armpit to armpit, and then 10.01, the place was just empty out. Like, back to drinks went up to $2. Yeah, fuck that. You'd order an Alabama Slammer and a fucking whatever, and I'm snorting Coke. And since a lot of people didn't have the balls to go into the city and get Coke those days, I would get Coke for you. So if you told me you needed an 8-ball, I would put $50 on it,

take a half gram out, throw a half gram of cut in, and fucking that was your deal. You'd still get great Coke. It was a lot better than what you were getting in your neighborhood. But were you getting it pure, though? I was getting some great coke. There was some Colombians on 135th Street who had a combination disco rooster fight in place. So in the daytime, you'd go there,

and there'd be roosters killing themselves, and then at night it was like a disco, like the illegal aliens and shit. They'd be down there fucking singing to Blondie, you know what I'm saying? Call me. So fucking they would hide the coke. I'll never forget the guy. If I would go there like at 2 in the morning, the guy would hide the coke in the door jams.

And while he was spinning the songs, he would have the scale right there. He would just be wearing coke all night. Boom. You're gone. And you'd walk through a DJ booth that was on 135th Street in Amsterdam. And I remember on the corner there was a bodega that sold the best fucking fried chicken.

Remember when Mike Tyson got into the fight at 4.30 in the morning in Harlem? He got into a fight with some guy on 148th Street or something. Was that the Mitch Blood Green? He kept saying, oh, he got me with his ring.

That's why I was... That whole neighborhood kicks at 2.30 in the morning. Is that where they were? That's in that neighborhood. It's all black. Barbecue's open. But I'll never forget that on the corner of that bodega, there was like a fucking wild dog just chained up to a thing.

And I'll never forget that one night we went over there. Our plan was, it was two of us, me and Ray go. My friend Stinky worked at UPS from 11 to 2. Shout out to UPS Baltimore Hub, primary one, Joe Avenue. We had his car and our plan was to go into the city with his car, pick up the eight ball and then pick him up at 2

and then we'd go down to Jersey Shore and snort for the weekend. Let me ask you real quick, what do you, when you, I know you take it a little bit out, but what are you cutting with back there? Inausital. What's that? Inausital is a drug that used to be used with Cloline. When we were kids, Joe Weider,

there was no GNC. I remember Joe Weider, yeah, the muscle guy. So one of the things he made was Cloline Inositol pills and they said they helped you burn fat. It's like that hydroxy cut and all that these days. Right, but the thing is that Inositol came in a powder.

In 1978, you could buy an ounce of inositol for $3. By 1985, an ounce of inositol was like $200. Really? Yeah, because everybody found out that you could cut cocaine with it.

It was the best cut there was. So it's a legal speed you're putting in. No, no, no. It's just a legal stimulant, whatever. Look it up by Nostril. They have it at GNCs and health food stores. Sometimes it comes by itself. Sometimes it comes mixed.

And you grind it right into the blow and nobody will even know it. I didn't like putting baby laxative. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I heard a lot of baby even know it. I didn't like putting baby lax. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I heard a lot of that shit. I want fucking. And even the days I see guys now still do coke and it's cut with speed and it's their jaws going all over the place. It's cut with speed at the plant.

Is it? While they're fucking processing it, they're throwing shit in there. It's not that some guys at home throwing fucking crank in it because then you know it is on the Netflix docs I watch these motherfuckers they throw that extra shit in while they're making it

to give it that extra potency you know but it was just a weird time we were living with no supervision there was like four of us. We left the house at eight. We walked in at four. And we called each other at ten

to go eat lunch. Like every day we'd go eat lunch. Eight at night, four in the morning, sleep, then go to bed. Were these kids also parentless and everything else? No, no. They had decent worlds. They were just wild men. Right. And they were on the same

boat as I was. We were just going to hustle and make a living. And it was so weird. We'd meet at 10. We'd go get lunch at like Hashway's Deli. Get like a fucking go up there and yell and scream till 1.30. And then we'd hang out for another hour. Sometimes

we'd go into the city and cop drugs early to get it out of the way so we have to go back at night who's gonna hold the eight ball nobody's trustworthy you know what i'm saying so yeah we uh would do that and then we go home take a nap i lift and they'd pick me up at fucking seven o'clock and we'd just go. Wednesdays was ladies night somewhere. Thursdays was ladies night somewhere. And Friday nights were just we were out seven fucking nights a week with these guys. And like how much

money would you say you're making at the time? Are you doing very well or? I was making $800 a week paying $35 a month rent. When you're making fucking $3,200 a month, you know, you're dropping money. It was four of us, you know. Some of the kids' parents had money, you know, shit like that.

But we were one for all and all for one. If you didn't have it, don't worry about it. We got it. You got it. One guy's father owned a restaurant. He would work a couple days. The one guy worked for UPS. The one guy was hilarious.

The one guy was like, you know, his motto was fucking, my father buys cars, I crash them. He would tell his dad. He would tell his dad at dinner, you buy them, I crash them. Don't worry about nothing. His dad was a bookmaker. He would hide his money in briar's ice cream what do you mean in the ice cream yeah he would like zip lock it and stuff it down in there and briar's ice cream and keep it in the freezer yeah so whenever he would come over he'd go get

my dad in the living room talking i gotta gotta rob him. Had to go into the fucking freezer and dig a knife. So he'd get in the car. He's like, whammo. I got my dad for 60, my mother for 60. What's that? 280? And I go, no, 120. He didn't know how to tell that. He couldn't read Roman numerals on a clock.

So if you were at a bar and there were Roman numerals all night long, he'd keep asking you, what time is it? What time is it? I don't know those Roman numerals. He really, this guy that I hung out with, dear friend, still today, his brother was my driver when we robbed a jewelry store heist. That's coming up later on.

It gets maybe in the fall. Yeah, because his brother was the real deal. There was an older one and a younger one. His brother never did a drug. Never did a drug. Just drank. And then just one day he started snorting coke. And he went nuts.

Did he? He would tell his parents, come on. I need some cash. I need a quicker picker-upper. And he would say all this shit to his parents. We would die laughing. It was just fucking, you know, it was a different time. The world was different. The country was different.

Kids were different. Like, we just didn't have a curfew. Us and 30 other kids. You know, we hung out with a group of girls. It wasn't like we were fucking them or having orgies. They were our friends, you know. But that year I started robbing this jewelry store. There was this jewelry store on Bergen Line Avenue next to a Burger King.

And this girl worked at this Burger King. And every time I go to the Burger King, I like jewelry. My mother was a big jewelry, so I would go into this jewelry store. What'd you like? I know you still wear a necklace. What were you doing? Rings and bracelets. Jewelries and shit like that. I like all that stuff. So I went in there one day, and I

noticed, Jesus Christ, every other jewelry store on Bergen Line has a buzzer. This one doesn't have a buzzer, and there's two ladies in the 90 working behind the counter. I could have a field day in here. So I would go in there from week to week and say, hey, let me look at that ring. And they'd put the tray up and walk away.

And I'd take a ring and put it in my sock and leave and give it to my little girlfriend or whatever. And I kept doing this every other month. And they wouldn't say, hey, where the hell is that? Nothing. Thank you, thank you. I even told them I want to be part of like the $5 a month club where you pay $5 and they save money for you to get like a ring, like layaway. And then one day we were eating at Burger King and I'm like, I got an idea.

It was like July of 82 and I had a football shirt on it was hot as fuck and I'll never forget walking in there and then giving me the tray of diamond wedding rings and I'm going I'm looking to get married and it was like I was there every four weeks

with a different story and they put the trays on and walk away and this one time I just took the whole tray and put it under my shirt and ran out. The whole fucking tray. 30 wedding bands. Had like two grand

to pop. I had this dentist that used to buy stolen shit from me. I had a dentist then that used to buy stolen shit from me. The dentist? I had a couple different guys. I had this dentist. Everyone's crooked in this fucking thing, bro. I love it.

I had this dentist, and he paid me in cocaine. The dentist? The dentist. So I sold him like 10 rings. I had this guy, Nick, that was a pizza man. He was a Greek. His name was Nick. He would always go, speak, you suck.

He was very racist, you know. But he was the best He would always go, Nick, speak. You suck. He was very racist, you know. But he was the best because I would sell him stolen jewelry and he would put in a schmuck and he would hang it up. He wouldn't get rid of it. And like a week later, I'd go down there, Nick, let me go to the bathroom. And I'd go to the bathroom and I'd steal a ring back from him. And then I'd go in there a week later and go, Nick, do you see this ring? And he'd go, I don't know. That looks very familiar, Spick. I used to resell him fucking stolen jewelry constantly, that poor bastard.

Resell him stolen jewelry to the guy you took it from I would sell it to him I remember one time I saw him like a bracelet three times I couldn't even believe it myself I'm like this guy can't be this stupid he was a degenerate he was a degenerate horse gambler good guy I love Nick

very racist he would not last. He would not last today. There was an Italian kid that would go in there and buy a slice of pizza, but he would cross the street because the iced tea was a dime

cheaper. So he would get the pizza and then he'd go over there to get the tea? And Nick would be talking to us. He goes, where's Vanity? And we'd tell him he wanted to get the tea? And Nick would be talking to us. He goes, where's Vanity? And we'd tell him he wanted to cross the street to get that fucking thing at Hashways. He'd run out in the street. And Vanity would be crossing the street and he'd start yelling, Vanity, you fucking Jew.

He didn't get it. He's Italian. You fucking Jew. You fucking suck. Fuck you, fucking Jew. You fucking suck. Fuck you, fucking Jew. And then one time, there was no hands. He couldn't hit Nick. There was no fucking policy.

I went in there one night with my sophomore year. I walked in there on a quaalude with buccola on my shirt. I had been fucked up. And he's like, what's the matter? He started calling me Baluchi. You fucking Belushi. Look at you. You suck, Belushi.

So he had a name for everybody. He called me Belushi. My buddy had a beard. He called him the Ayatollah Khomeini. Oh, my God. Everybody had a fucking beard. Yeah, right. And it's so weird.

Tonight I'm getting pizza from this new place in Sherman Oaks. It's so weird. Tonight I'm getting pizza from this new place in Sherman Oaks. It's fucking tremendous. There's something, the pizza's something of Brooklyn. Is that the place Simone took me to? Yes. I've been there, yeah. The fucking Sicilian pie is out of this world. It is.

He used to have a Sicilian pie, but he'd put it by the window, and there'd be a fan. And the flies would come in, and they'd land on the Sicilian pie. So we used to call at the airport. Like, whenever we went in there, we'd be like, Nick, give me a slice of that fly fucking pizza. And he'd be like, fuck you. Because all the flies would land on it, take his shit, and then take off. Yeah. So it was like he were eating fucking fly shit.

So it was like you were eating fucking fly shit. So that summer, if it wasn't nailed down, I robbed it. And it was like God gave me every opportunity there was to rob that summer. And are you ever worried at this time? Like you're still young. No, because I had North Bergen police around me, and they were all my friends, and I had karma and the torch piles I had on.

I always knew I had to get out of jail free card if I didn't shoot somebody or, you know, do something off the fucking off color. I took somebody. It was weird. A situation happened around that time. Like, June or July of 82. We were hanging out one night. Just hanging out.

A couple of us. It was a Sunday night. And it was me and Mike. The guy I lived with. And I love Mike. I give my life to Mike. Mike and Mike was tough. You better bring a sandwich, bitch.

Because you're going to be there for a few fucking hours. And a car had gone by. We were on Kennedy Boulevard and a car had gone by. Like an older Camaro. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. One of those fucking things. And he made a U-turn. And he just kept staring at Mike.

It was me, Mike, and Stinky, and somebody else. I remember it was like four of us. And all of a sudden, they went down the block, and made a U-turn, and parked up the corner. And they just got out of the car, and they were walking towards us. Two of them? Three of them. But the one guy thought he was Buford Pusser.

He had that handle from an axe with no axe on it. So I'm watching this because I got great street eyes. I'm watching this whole thing going. Now my friends are talking amongst themselves about pussy or whatever the fuck you're talking about.

And the guy with the stick pushed the stick up behind his hand so nobody would really see it. And the two guys that were first in the passenger side and the driver's side approached Mike and Stinky and said, What the fuck are you guys laughing about? The guy with the axe handle was maybe 10 feet from them, but that's the guy that I was watching. I got the Heineken bottle in my hand, right? And I'm like, if this shit goes down, I'm attacking that guy with the axe handle.

Because these two guys could definitely knock the fuck out of these two guys. I'm confident in Stinky and the other guy. I just don't want this guy coming with the axe handle and breaking one of our fucking skulls. So Stinky and the guy have a few words. I want this guy coming with the axe handle and breaking one of our fucking skulls. So Stinky and the guy have a few words. I saw the guy make one move, and I just went at him. And I got like four feet from him, and I just threw the Heineken bottle in his face. And it just blew up.

Did it? It was like an explosion. It was like, boom. His head blew up. There was? It was like an explosion. It was like boom. His head blew up. There was blood on the walls. I almost puked and fainted. How could you imagine? And his fucking friends got in that car.

They all took off. And they fucking ran. I was scared but Mike was like thank you for having my back. I didn't see that guy with the axe handle. Nobody saw him. It was just something. I had really good eyes because they were trying to throw him off by attacking this way. That's something that happened to me like July of 82.

Because I remember going to court and like. They took you to court? Oh, yeah. they had stitches. They didn't charge me with anything. But they were trying to get like a civil suit going. And my hometown told them like, look, do yourself a favor. Don't come back.

You're not going to die. But I still remember specifically going to court that morning with my stepdad. Like I had to call him and go, you have to go to court. They want a fucking parent or something. And the guy in front of me, his name was George Rupp. He had been to Vietnam. He was crazy.

And he was up in front of me. Like, I'm like, please don't piss this judge off. And this guy goes up first, and the judge is like, George, what the fuck? You know, assault in the third degree. He's like, Your Honor, we can take care of this. We don't need all this handcuffs and bail.

Tell the judge. He's telling the judge. He's like, just let me loose. Let me over to Beirut. Just like that, he's telling him. Like, I don't know what they are over there in Beirut, but I'll kill them all. We don't need this shit. I'll never forget him yelling at the judge. Telling the judge, I don't know what they are over there in Beirut, but I'll kill them all. We don't need this shit. I'll never forget him yelling at the judge, telling the judge, I just want to kill people. I just want to kill people.

Yeah. He's yelling in the courtroom. In the courtroom. And me dying and laughing. Like, I got to follow this. Yeah, right. Yeah. I'm next.

Every fucking time I went in front of a judge, the guy, you pray that the guy in front of you doesn't piss the judge off. You pray that the guy in front of you doesn't piss the judge off. You pray that the people in front of you don't piss the judge off. Like when I got sentenced, I was telling somebody the other night, before I got sentenced, I go, I hope I'm the first guy and he's in a good mood. Nope. I'm the second guy. The first guy

is a black guy in a purple suit. You know those suits from the Hollywood suit outlet? Yeah. They give you three of them for $200 and you just can't light a match next to you because the fucking the suit would catch on fire. You'd just burst into flames like Richard Pryor.

He had like a purple suit on, this black dude. Funny as shit. I didn't know what his name was. I'll never forget. I'm sitting there with my attorney. I'm like, what's going to happen? He goes, well, it all depends on what happens. But in the mood of the judge, fucking Superfly goes up there. Superfly.

His mom is there. His aunt's there. They're all tipping the scales like 800. They're all huge. They got diabetes and shit. And the fucking judge goes okay Mr. Williams whatever 90 days and he goes 90 days shit

I could do that standing in my and the mother goes what do you say he goes 90 days mama I could do that standing on my head and the judge looks at him and slams and he goes well here's another 90 days ah so you get back on your feet and I'm like, God damn it.

I'm going to fucking do 80 to life, no parole. So, like, I got in trouble for that, and that just went away. You know, 82 was just a party summer. We just robbed the gas station. How? The last gas station. What do you use them when you rob? Because the jewelry store, you didn't have a weapon or anything.

You just took shit. The gas station was an inside job. My buddy worked at the gas station. He left everything open, but he didn't leave the safe open. So we ended up getting all these books and cash. But weeks later, we found out somebody got in the safe and found like three quarters of a million dollars. Holy shit. So we were ready to shoot ourselves.

My buddy had the combination to the safe. He never opened the safe. We stole everything else. We were just doing. I'm disappointed. There was. Oh, me too. There was.

We were doing something like. It was one of these things where something was coming to you every day all right so that's what i wanted to say when you're robbing you're not using weapons or anything you it's all some connection to something we sit here all day we're thinking of robin rogan and all of a sudden josh potter walks in he goes i got a different scam let's go we got a guy that makes up three kilos every friday at 11 we're intercept the kilos, hit the guy in the head, and run off. You know, like that's, you live like that. You always kept robbing the comedy store in the background.

Right. Like, if worse comes to worse, you always rob the comedy store. But every day we come up with a move. There's some days that some guy would come up to you and go, hey, man, I need for you to unload a truck of air conditioners. I'll give you a thousand bucks. You're unloading and the cops

are driving by. You're going to get in trouble. Every day there was something. It wasn't the when you set up drug dealers. Okay, so I would have you as a friend, Tom as a friend, Bert as a friend, and we'd all be friends. You know what I'm saying?

But I wasn't really friends with you. I was just a customer that was giving you rope. In those days, it was well known. I would give you rope, but if you fucked me, I was just going to rob you. There was no beating beating There was no threat When you least expected it When your guard was down I know that every Friday at 11

Ryan Sickle picks up 8 ounces of coke I go to a bar at 6 o'clock Ryan Sickle is drunk I'm going right to your house I'm kicking the door down You know Kicking the fucking door down I'm going right to your house. I'm kicking the door down. You know, kicking the fucking door down and taking it. You're going to accuse me that you

can't because I'm going to be at your house the first day of the next morning telling you a hundred reasons why it wasn't me and how we're going to get the bandit who robbed you. The bandit. You know, like, I was a professional. You know, I was a professional.

Like, I just knew. So that whole summer carried me into whatever. Something weird happens in August of 82. A buddy of mine, the Bonehead family, the DiLorenzo family. Great family. Grew up with them. Two older brothers. The oldest one's a heroin addict

that's a plumber. A fucking great guy. One of my brothers in life. The middle one's a fish guy. Owns a fish company. At the time, he was a mechanic. Auto body mechanic. But the younger one I grew up with, we were very tight growing up.

I loved him dearly. His mother loved me. His father, I grew up in his house. And he was pretty much a financial genius. He had this scam going on where he would open up a bank account and put $2,000 in your bank account. Then he would take a $2,000 loan from the same bank. And then he would close the bank account at a quarter to three and run across town to the same bank.

Like, let's say there's two Bank of Americas. He would close the bank and then run down to the other Bank of America. And the computer wouldn't move fast enough. He'd empty the other 2,000. Oh, so he'd go withdraw there. He was smart as fuck. I see. Okay.

I guess back then, huh? He took student loans at 1% and bought homes. Really? He lived homes. Like, this guy was just a genius. He had the whole thing down, so he pulled me aside. When they go, do you want to go to school? He goes, what if I told you

I'd get you a couple grand a week to go to college? And I goes, sure. And he talked to some people at Glassboro State. Next thing you know, I'm taking four classes. GED, no paperwork. And he's like, go over there and pick up two grand. Just give me like 300.

And I'd pick up these little Pell Grants. So I went to Glassboro. That lasted for like three weeks. Like I went down there, he got me a job loading roofs with tar paper. So I would have to carry fucking tar paper up a roof and shit. And I really gave it a chance.

Like I was like, I'm gonna go to school, I'm getting paid. So this is when you got the GED? I didn't get my GED yet. Oh, I was like, I'm going to go to school. I'm getting paid. And this is when you got the GED? I didn't get my GED yet. It was only last year. Nobody knew nothing. He thought they got a degree, yeah. He just told them. Yeah, don't worry about nothing.

But yes. Put yes on the paper. So you're taking college courses without even a high school education, finished education. Psych 101. Yeah, I know those classes. And I'm just going to pick up a check. They give me like a check every two weeks because I'm part of some Spanish thing.

I never really thought about what he was doing. And after three or four weeks, it was Philadelphia. What a great time. We were going to fucking six of games. That was the year they won the championship. So we were going to six of games. We were fucking going to concerts.

I'll never forget one night I woke up and he was fucking a chick with a bunny mask on. She had it or he had it? He had a bunny mask on. I mean, he was nuts. He's dead now, God rest his soul. So he got me the scam, and I would come up on the weekends,

and I'd stock up on blow. I'd get as much blow as I could. I'd get some money up front from some of the people in Philly. I told them this is New York City cocaine, and I'd take a bus back on Sundays, and I'd make $300, $400, go down there with an eight ball, and at least I had shit for the week. And then one Monday, it had to be like September.

Classes started like September 3rd, and I think like September 28th. No. It was like September 28th. No. It was like September 28th or something. I came home and it was a Monday night football game. And it was the Steelers against the Dallas Cowboys in the heyday. It was their fucking heyday. And me and four of my buddies decided to put a huge bet in. Like $10,000.

Damn. And the over and a parlay. We put the bet in with a high school teacher. He was taking the bets? Yeah. His name was George McGrath. We used to call him Camel Breath because he smoked camel cigarettes. And his fingers were red.

His cigarette was his mustache was red, and that's when Def Leppard first came out with whatever high and dry. So we used to call him George McGrath. I don't want to. I'm a photograph. Oh, yeah. We had like fucking 10 different. We had this coke dealer named Moondy.

He was a Cuban Coke dealer. And we used to always goof with him. My buddy would go, I love that motherfucker. You buy Coke from him on a Friday and you don't get home until Moondy. Because he was. His Coke was that fucking strong. So it's like September something if you look it up.

It was a Monday night game. We had the opposite side. I put the bet on Mr. McGrath. Camel breath. And I'm an honorable guy. You know, I couldn't run out on Mr. McGrath after everything he had done for us. We didn't know that

Mr. McGrath was a coke dealer to the last day of school. And then something happened. I sold him half a gram. I asked him how it was, and he goes, let me show you a real Coke. And he fucking made me move it. Are you serious?

Oh, my high school teacher was a trip. His name was Jordan McGrath. He was also our driver ed teacher. So you got to sign up. Yeah, back when you still, I had it in school too. Three of us would sign up for 45 minutes. It started off with Mr. McGrath, what the fuck? Just stop at the Chinese restaurant.

Let's get some steak on a stick. I can't, I'm gonna lose my job. We'd go, because we'd drive up and then make a U-turn at Chan's. So we started talking with that. And then one day we're like, Mr. McGrath, what's the story? Can we get a six-pack too? He's like, you guys want to get me fired?

So for like a year, we used to go get steak on a stick. Another guy would go next door and get a six-pack of beer. And we'd drink a six-pack of beer. In the car while you're driving? In the car while we're fucking driving. drink a six pack of beer. In the car while you're driving? In the car while we're fucking driving. And he'd be sitting

there shaking his head going you guys are going to get me fired. Fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. So we put this bet in with Mr. McGrath. I mean I had to come up with like 18 grand

and I couldn't let Mr. McGrath. I mean, I had to come up with like 18 grand, and I couldn't let Mr. McGrath down. And like I said, we always had those scams. I would wait on the right person. You ever see Training Day? Yeah, of course. When they go to the dealer's house and they go, it's time to pay up, and they shoot him. And he goes, God damn it, that's my retirement money.

It's the way it is sometimes. He's like, we'll play you, but there's one day we're going to come and collect ours. It's my retirement money. It's the way it is sometimes. We'll play you. But there's one day we're going to come and collect ours. It's ours, brother. You knew it the whole time. You were just keeping it warm for me. One day, we used to go to this jewelry store, the one I kept robbing. I'm robbing them every other month.

And they're never saying anything? Nothing. They don't even remember because I'm not abusing them. You know me, I'm a comm thief. I'm letting them every other eight weeks. And this one night I go up there and fucking, I noticed

they have a stand on the counters which is filled with gold chains. The top and the bottom has bracelets. And I'm spinning this thing around. And I send a buddy of mine. His name was Pete.

He was going to school for law school. But he would always give me advice. Like I would say, Pete, what if I hit somebody in the head with a pipe? He's got a suitcase full of money. He would go, that's grand larceny and assault, too. You didn't know all the rules. So I said to him, I said, be a big favor. And he figured out to Michael's Jewelers, find out what's going on down there.

Take a look around. Tell me what you think. He came back. He said, that's grand larceny. It's this, it's that. But I can get you off. I'm like, you're not even certified. Don't matter.

I'll get you off. off. I'm like, you're not even certified. Don't matter. I'll get you off. So, uh, we had to pay him that Thursday night at two. So that Thursday at nine in the morning, I went down there with Timmy, Timmy Holloway, my dog, fucking Marblehead. And it was funny because the night before we were at a bar and I was just talking shit. Like, I'm like, fuck, I'm going to rob this place. But in my heart, I didn't want to rob this place. Fucking he held my feet to the fire. The next morning, I'm hungover, and I hear beep, beep.

And I'm like, fuck. I jump in the shower. I get in the fucking car. We pick my buddy up. The plan wasn't even to go in there with a gun. We weren't even going to rob. They were doing construction next to the place, and it was fenced off, and there was a hill.

So my move was to park the car on the end of the hill. Timmy would have the car running. Stinky was a running back, and he was lightning fast. He was half Italian, half American Indian. That motherfucker could run, Jack. So my plan was to pick up the stand, pull it out of the cord. He's going to open the door just in case

they press the buzzer. There is a buzzer. And then he's going to jump the fence. I'm going to throw the jewelry to him. I'm going to run around the long way. He's going to run around. Then he's going to throw it out with the meat to the fence. When we get to the top, I'm going to put it the long way he's going to run around that he's going to throw it out with a meat to the fence when we get to the top I'm going to put it in the trunk of the car

he jumps the fence, we both take off we rehearsed it 50 times how? we went there at night at 2 in the morning we just rehearsed the timing of it, 2 minutes, the whole fucking thing response time for West New York Police Department.

We did the whole thing then. We get there, we wake up that morning, all goes as planned. I run out, throw the jewelry to him, get to the other side, I get to the top, the case, it dropped and it broke. I go, stink. What happened to the case? He's like,

it broke. This is all I got. I go jump the fence and get in the fucking car. By this time, the alarms are going off. People are looking out their windows. I'll never forget jumping over the fence, and I got every piece of fucking jewelry. I didn't give a fuck. Every piece. I came back, jumped over the fence.

One of the chains got caught. I got in the back seat. There was so much jewelry that you couldn't see my legs from my calves down to my feet. It was just packed back there. Because we couldn't get the trunk open. He's pushing the trunk.

He can't get the fucking trunk open. Boom. We get in the car. Get the fuck out of here. People are looking at the car. We hook a ride on 68th street And we're driving down 68th street And we see two cop cars Coming our way, I'll never forget this We stop for the light

And there's a guy At the light, it's just a two lane road So they really couldn't go around the guy Because the light Was just about to turn green So they had to wait as the light turned green the trunk popped open by itself well like ain't this a bitch it just popped open but no we fucking went home and got away with it went right past them went right past them

and then what do you do with all that just sell it off or what what we did was we're gonna chunk it out to different people i made a mistake I took it to this mob mafia guy He tried to fucking tell me I was his goomba I'll give you 10,000 for the whole mess. I'm like this 60 large that What do you mean 10,000? There's a hundred retail and 60 large I go you gotta give me 60s Like come on be a on, be a friend. You're a friend. Fuck you.

So we went. We went to Kurt's house. My good looking buddy that was the student financial aid guy. That motherfucker was built. And his mother had a bunch of girlfriends. So he got a black towel. He put it on his kitchen table. We put jewelry on. We had jewelry shows.

Jewelry shows. Like Tupperware shows So they started the prices on the tag Full retail So if it's at $1100 Give me $6 So we would sell them like that Door to door We would just sell them pieces

People's mothers Kids in school And then I went to my buddy's bar one night. His name was Ray Dalton. He was a school vice principal. And as soon as I walked in, he goes, you in the back. And I go, what's up? And he goes, the cops came looking for you at the school.

He goes, I tried to fend them off. He goes, they got you on picture. They got a picture of you. They had a camera. The jewelry store did. The jewelry store did. He goes, if I was you, I'd get the fuck out of town. They're going to put the pieces together on you.

So I called a friend of mine in Sarasota. You ever go to Sarasota, Florida? No. That's where boredom was invented. That's where spring training and shit is. Yeah, there was one fucking movie theater. It was playing the road warrior. So he went to the road warrior every day and smoke pot.

I went down there for about 30 days, hit out, gave myself a chance. Didn't do any blow. You know, it was kind of nice. And then, uh,

fucking, I got a call from a friend of mine, the devil, and he goes, hey, it's safe for you to come back. I go, how the fuck do you know? He goes, because he's my brother-in-law. The cops and him cut a deal. If they arrest you, then he gets restitution.

You could pay him $5 a year, but if they don't arrest you, he gets the insurance, plus he padded it, so you made money. You're his hero now. Ah, so you get off with it because he padded the numbers. He padded the numbers. And got all that money back. Yep. No shit.

How crazy of a brother. That is lucky as fuck right there. Came back to North Bergen. Did he ever see you? I saw him Christmas of 84. I was rock bottom. I was

homeless. And I was pumping gas just to make ends meet. And I was pumping his car and I looked at him and he looked at me and he goes, you remember me? And I go, yeah. He goes, how you doing? We shook hands. Shook hands.

We said no hard feelings. No hard feelings at all. He goes, you got balls of kids, Steel. I go, I know. Thank you. And that was it. That's the last time I saw him. But it was weird.

After that, I went back to North Bergen. I couldn't live with the Runnies no more. So I was with a friend of mine, Fernie. And that had to be one of the worst times of my life. Like, just, I had a little bit of cash put away from the jewelry, but that was it. But other than hustling, you're not working an honest job at all at this point. At the time, Fernie got me a job. You ever, you know what,

one of those fucking Danish's? What are those? Thumans, whatever they are. Enemans? Enemans. Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. I got a job. My friend got me a job.

Mafia guy got me and my buddy Stinky a job spray painting and boxing the things where you the shells yeah and then they get shipped out they don't make any anthem and skate there they just make the anthem and shells there got he got us a job in edgewater i lived with a kid named fernie whose father had a business in edgewater you ever see cop land yeah that right there that's all right that whole bar that's where i used to go to get liquor store now that's not there no more so it was called h and b diner best fucking pork sandwich you ever had in your life there's only one person who makes a better pork sandwich steve simone makes a delicious pork sandwich of provolone. Listen, Art, I'm going to have him give me one. Oh, here's my roasted red peppers.

Anyway, I got a job in Edgewater. This is one of those mafia jobs where basically the superintendent, the boss, knew who our friend was. The guy that got us the job, his name was Tommy Kenny. And he was really a Westie, he was an Irish gangster, and he got us the job to case the joint, because he would case these roofing jobs, but he would get me a job for the union, Kurt DiLorenzo's mother was part of the warehouse union, so she would get me different warehouse jobs, so she got me a job in like Swift Electric, she got me a job in like Swift Electric. She got me a job at Mazda Back Century

hardware store. And then she got me this job. And this job was great because we were fucking 19 but we didn't give a fuck. Like we basically

punched our cards, walked to the third floor, put boxes together, and me and Stinky went to sleep. At 12, they go, yo, you guys going to eat lunch? And we come downstairs. One of the black guys would give us a couple dollars

to buy him a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. We'd go get a roast pork sandwich, come back, and do the same. If we got bored, we would set the boxes up like a defensive line and an offensive line, and he would play linebacker, and I'd play running back, and he'd have to tackle me. But the best thing that happened there was that black dude became our friend. He was our only friend. Everybody else hated us because we didn't have to do nothing.

We had no show job, basically. And one day we're on top, like, you know, those addicts, and we're throwing down container boxes. They're like six feet tall. These are heavy boxes, but they're not put together. They're still flat. Flat, yeah. So I got to cut two wires and take them down,

and I would just hand them to them. You know, I'll never forget this. This guy would spend his mornings just drinking Blackberry brandy, just fucking. From the minute we got that eight, he'd polish off a pint, and then we'd go back at lunch and get him another pint. By 3 o'clock, he'd be shit-faced. Two pints? Two pints a day.

He was black. I forget what his name was, but I loved him with all my heart. So one day, it's me and Stinky up at the top. He's like, yo, the Lazy Brothers throw down 50 boxes. So he's sitting there and we're throwing down one box at a time.

And you can see that, you know, we're throwing them quicker and quicker. You know, like, and he's like, man, slow down. He's grabbing the boxes and he's putting them down. He's drunk as a skunk. And I fucking take the box and I'm like,

and all of a sudden I saw like a wind took it. Like the wind got behind it and you could see his eyes open because he couldn't time it where it was going. And all of a sudden I saw like a wind took it. Like the wind got behind it. And you could see his eyes open because he couldn't time it where it was going. The box was doing like a curveball. And it just came right here and hit him in the bridge of the nose. And he went down. He knocked him out.

They had to get a doctor and shit. He's like, man, what the fuck happened to you guys? So we got fired from that job. Then I got another job working at Boulevard Hardware. That's still there. George Murad was his name. I lasted there for about a month and a half until I got caught with possession of stolen tools. Were you selling those too?

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Everybody wants tools. I feel like there's probably a bigger market for tools than maybe it's equal tools. It was really my first arrest. January 19th. January 29th 1983 was my first

legitimate. Oh, we just crept into 83 now? Yeah. All right, all right. It's 10 hours over in 83. It was my legitimate because after I. Because of this? Because of the hardware store? After the Florida, I came back from Florida like November,

and then we played out the rest of the year. I lived with Fernie, and everything was great. We had a little apartment, and we lived across from the Midtown Lounge. Something did happen when we were with Fernie. It was funny one night. We had this friend, Joe Gash. We called him Joe Gash because he got so much pussy, but he was also bisexual. He sucked dick. He ate pussy, whatever. He worked at a gay bar, Joe Gash because he got so much pussy, but he was also bisexual. He sucked dick, he ate pussy, whatever.

He worked at a gay bar, Joe Gash. And he would get these gay-infused quaaludes, which would make you black out worse than Cosby. They're the Cosby formula in 1982. They eliminate pain, asshole pain, and memory. Asshole pain. Is that why you called them gay quaaludes? Oh, these are gay quaaludes. These are the good ones. The good ones.

So Joe Gadd shows up with five quaaludes, and it was four of us. And he goes, guys, I've been eating quaaludes for ten years. These are the strongest quaaludes I've ever taken in my life. Be very careful. Just start off with a half.

We're not even like, we're like, listen, we'll take them later. Not my man, Fernie. Fernie wants his two Gorilla Biscuits right now. So he gives Fernie his two Quaaludes. He fucking eats them. Two. Two. He's going to take all, he fucking eats them. Two? Two. He's going to go up, he doesn't want to take a shower in our shower.

It's too small, so he wants to go up to his mother's to take a shower. An hour goes by. We're like, where the fuck is Furny? I go upstairs, knock on the mother's door. I go, where's Furny? She goes, I don't know, he's been in the shower for an hour. I open up the door and there he is with his glasses on and his socks on in the shower just laying there. I go, Fernie, we're going to a concert.

He goes, okay. He got up. I helped him take his wet socks off. We get him dressed. Now the three of us decide to eat the Kuala Laalude because we're running late for the Meadowlands. It's Pat Benatar. Guess who wants to drive? Fernie with two Quaaludes in him.

Yeah, right. We're like, Fernie, if you want to drive, go ahead. You know, be my guest. He can't even get out of the parking spot. Like, he's just going back and forth. Bam, bam, bam. He's hitting the car in front of him. And all of a sudden my buddy goes, what are we driving by sound

tonight? And we go, fuck it. We get in a different car, but the time we get up there, we're so fucked up. We are so fucked up. The guy told us to eat a half. We ate a whole. We didn't even know where we were going. We were so crooked. I'll never forget this little old man came

out. We didn't even say nothing. This little old man came out, looked at us, and he goes, you guys must be in the handicap section. And he took us into the handicap section. We're sitting next to three quids, squeezing balls, and there we are fucking making believe we're all bent over. And there we are fucking making believe we're all bent over and shit. That's a fucking very embarrassing story.

The guy's like, are you on the handicap section? We're like, we guess so. Yeah, you couldn't even say no. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our sponsor, Upstart. As most of us have found out the hard way, getting into debt is easy and getting out is ridiculously hard, especially if your credit score isn't great. Thankfully, now there's Upstart.com, the revolutionary lending platform that knows you're more than just your credit score and offers smarter interest rates to help you pay off high interest credit card debt.

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That's upstart.com slash honeydew. Now let's get into the deal. What a great time it was. Like, we were kids and we were fucking, like, we were feeling like there was no, what do you call that? There was no consequences. Like, we knew if we got in trouble in our neighborhood, the cops would come.

Even if we'd stab you, they'd talk you out of prison charges. Like, they're good guys. You know what I'm saying? It was just a bad situation. But, you know, and you got to remember that this time I'm missing my mother. I don't have a mother. Yeah.

But I am laughing my fucking ass off, you know. It was right about that time, 83, where I really, now I was, It was right about that time, 83, when I got fired from Boulevard Hardware, where I got arrested. I went to Harlem to see some friends of mine, my mother that had a bookmaking bank. So they decided to hire me as a runner out of pity. It wasn't because they needed me. It was out of pity. It wasn't because they needed me. It was out of pity. I was that much of a pathetic fucking schlub.

And they were like, we'll give you like 100 a day, 140 a day. You know, bring us coffee. Go to point A to point B. Pick up an envelope at point A. So I did that. I liked it. I was happy for the first time in a long time. But I was also very alone. You know, I was starting. I liked it. I was happy for the first time in a long time. But I was also very alone.

You know, I was starting to miss my mother. These guys that I grew up with deserve purple hearts because they made me forget about my mother. All these, you know, I mean, we laughed our asses off seven nights a week. You know, I could go into story after story after story. There was this one guy, did I tell you about Rego? It was a little bodybuilder. I don't remember.

That went on like a 10-year steroid. Like when you do steroids, you go on a thing called the cycle. And it's six weeks, then you stay off the cycle, then you go back. He started like in 80 and never stopped. He never took a break? And then he kept fueling cocaine. Oh, shit. And now you're always in a bad mood. And I'll never forget, we got

January or February of 83, we got like 22 inches of snow. It's the worst snowstorm in New York City history. I remember that East Coast blizzard. I was 10. I remember it. There was no newspapers. There was nothing. We couldn't even put a bed in

because there was no lines. There was nothing. The drug dealers were out of coke, so people had to go to New York. It was very hard to go to New York. And we sent, we all got together. We came like 600 bucks,

and we sent a buddy of mine, like on a mission, we fucking get on a bus, go to New York, and we knew it was going to take hours, you know, and we met at Joe Mary's, fucking snow everywhere,

we give him the money, he takes the bus, you can hear the snow chains on the bus and stuff and we're waiting there all night and Ray goes on steroids and he's getting hotter and hotter by the minute like where the fuck is this guy I can't even have a decent cocktail

but we're looking through the front window just waiting there's about 40 people in the bar old people a couple young kids our age and all of a sudden out of nowhere out of our horizon we look up and we see a guy cross-country skiing down Bergen line avenue we just see a guy happy as a pig and shit just feeling like and I'm like wait a second.

What's this guy doing? And Rego looks at him and he goes, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? He goes, nobody told this guy there's no skiing on Bergen Line Avenue. And he just fucking ran outside and chased the guy down like a block. The guy's like just skiing.

Minding his own business. And Rego tackles him. He's yelling at him, there's no fucking skiing. Minding his own business. And Rego tackles him. He's yelling at him. There's no fucking skiing on Bergen Line. He's hitting him with the stick. We're chasing him like, Rego, what's going on? He's like, there's no fucking skiing on Bergen Line Avenue. We pick him up.

We throw him in a snow ditch. Fuck you. No skiing on Bergen Line Avenue. We laugh our asses off. The guy's like, all I want to do is go for a night's ski, and I get attacked at the park and all this shit. Like, what do you ever get to do that in New York City either, right? Because the park had different rules.

We were 15 feet away from the park, but anything that happened in the park was Hudson County Park jurisdiction rules. It was North Bergen police. So, we throw the guy in a bundle of snow. We fucking throw snow on top of him. We probably got an American flag from the BMW in there.

We go back to the bar. We're drinking. The cocaine shows up. We're having a great time. And all of a sudden, it's like 10 to 3 and the bar gets surrounded with cops. And all of a sudden, it's like 10 to 3, and the bar gets surrounded with cops. And we're like, what the fuck? I look at Ray. I see one of the cops I know. Of course you do. I go, Ray, go give me the package. I take a dollar bill. I put like a half gram of coke in there with a little rock. I fold it up, and I put it

in my hand. And I walk out that door and I walk right up to that cop. And I go, Jimmy, what's going on? Nothing, Coco. We got a report that somebody threw some guy in the snow. I go, it wasn't in here. He goes, all right, have a good night. I'll never forget walking past the police car and the guy is sitting in the back seat with blankets on him. Shivering.

He's like, those are the guys. Those are the guys. And my friend's like, shut the fuck up. Don't worry about it. And we got in the car. I mean, that's the level of we were getting away. Yeah, you're connected like a motherfucker. We were doing whatever. And the bar owner was a loan shark.

His name was George. And I had him up to like 100 grand. Like, I would go up to him. He knew who Ryan Sickler was. You know how many conversations you have with Ryan Sickler? Two. Hello, whenever you came to his bar. But I would go up to him and go, can I talk to you?

Ryan Sickler got his girlfriend pregnant. He needs a thousand bucks, but he's scared to ask you. Can you lend it to me? Since he was a gangster, he didn't want contact with Ryan Sickler. So we'd be drinking, and you didn't know that you owed him $1,000. Yeah, I'm in debt to this motherfucker now. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there fucking like, he didn't even know that you owe, you didn't know that you owed him $1,000. And I'm actually paying the big for you.

I would borrow under your name. So he told me, get me customers. So every week there was a new guy that got in trouble. Josh Potter needs 5 G's. Josh Potter's in there two nights later going, go Knicks! I just won 800 and I'm like, shut the

fuck up, Josh Potter. Yo, this guy's 5,000. And you're jumping up and down over here. You're putting people's names on the desk. Oh, my God. And here's the crazy thing. Here's what's to let people know the crazy thing. He was so wired up, this guy, mafia-wise,

that the first two or three loans he gave me in the early 80s were cash. After that, he would give me a check to go to see a special teller at the bank. Come on. Bro, this guy had it down. I could say the guy's name. Not George the Greek is dead, but the guy he worked with was a Genovese captain now in the Genovese crime family. And when this guy was younger, he had a clean police record.

He still was part of it to his family and he would take money from a safe in the 80's like you can make listen bro we buy a key for 33 we cut it we sell half a key

for 25 to Segura we're 8 grand away, and we've still got another fucking 16 ounces left. What do you want to do? We could definitely sell 8 ounces and make our money back. So we would borrow 33 for 40. You had to be there at 3 o'clock when the bank closed.

He'd give you 33 grand cash. And on Monday morning when that 9 o'clock came, you better have that 40 back for him. And he takes the 7? He takes the 7 for himself as a bait. He was doing that with 10 different people every week. A week? Because everybody was trying to be a coke dealer.

Yeah. That's how good. He used to come to me and go, listen, any check you get, Thompson grew his mother, gets disability, bring the check. You don't need an ID or to sign it. I mean, this was the level of thievery that these guys had going on in the bank. Then he introduced me to a guy in New York that just sold credit cards and counterfeit money. New York that just sold credit cards and counterfeit money.

And the credit cards was the scam of a lifetime because Ryan Sickler gets a new card in the mail. He would print up two cards for Ryan Sickler, one for you and one for me. All I had to do was wait for you to call and get the code. And now they're both activated. And now they're both activated. It was such a different world. People don't know that I was an under the limit thief. What's that mean?

Under the limit thief is only up to about 20 years ago if you spent $50 that they call in a credit charge. So if I took you to a Chinese restaurant for the lunch special, they would have to look in a booklet to see if your number on the card was stolen. What are the chances? They got 80 people there eating lunch. So if I didn't spend... Oh, you mean the restaurant would have to look. I see.

There wasn't electronic or whatever. So it used to be a card with a piece of paper and a thing that you swiped. So every day I ate for free as long as I didn't go to the same place. I mean, even back then. I mean, some people still take a pen and remember that shit. I could look at your face and tell you now one time. I didn't pay for lunch for maybe five years. I would just go to different places.

All off of stolen cards? All off the same card that I missed. Same? It had been reported stolen eight years ago. But they didn't know it because they would never run it. So that's when criminality... So as long as you're hopping different places... Yeah, they can never...

They still get the insurance on it. They don't know. But it was so weird how my criminal... Everything opened up criminally for me that I started meeting people that weren't my friends outside the box. Like I said, I would, you know, when you set up a drug deal, I come to Ryan. Ryan's a fucking scumbag. I like him because he sells drugs. But the first couple times I'll do a drug deal with him, we suck him in.

You know, Ryan, my friend, eats three ounces. I usually don't get my Coke until Thursday. Boom, now I know Thursday you get your delivery. Now I start watching you on Thursdays. I rent the car and I watch you on Thursdays. I watch you. I remove. I see that you go to a post office.

That means you're getting that from the post office. I would just learn what the fuck you're doing, your movements. And if you ever fucked me when the timing was right, I'd take you down. But I had so many drug dealers in rotation. Like I would deal with three different drug dealers a week. One I was going to rob eventually. I would just put them on a list and they were all going to go down. It was such an ugly fucking time for me.

I mean, i really had nothing going on and there was no prospects my life was hustling doing those no i get back from the city about four every day so i had money so it was what what kind of walk around money are you getting from this kind of shit i mean are you are you loaded at the time, or are you doing too many drugs also that you're not saving the way you should? Save. Yeah, well, you should have saved. There was no saving.

No saving. Do you own a car at the time? No. So all public transportation or friends with cars or stealing cars? Yeah, no, no stealing cars. I didn't like stealing car where are you living now 69 dude yeah fernie okay in the basement uh nice place you don't know problem parents lived upstairs but my whole my friends are in college my friends are working

my friends are longshoremen and i'm this fucking piece of shit that, you know, takes work in the city. On paper, I was very cool. You know, I came back with a newspaper under my arm, you know, but I really had no future. I mean, there was no future. I had signed up for, like, plumbing classes at Teterboro College. It was a place that gave you, like, a scholarship.

They had a lot more vocational schools at night. So I really wanted to be a brick mason with the program. It took too long to sign up, and I just became a fucking, you know, I was just doing what I could, you know, to maintain my, just to keep the doors open. I would go over there every day and work as a bookie thing. But then I had an idea.

I thought it was time for me to go. It was 1983. I was 20 years old. And I don't know, something wasn't right, I knew that there was living for me in this bookmaking job as long as they were open, they were friends of the family, but what was I going to do when I was 27 and they closed shop, and I tried to get a real job, and they were going to send me, what have you been doing since you were 18, I've been working at a numbers operation.

So even though I was a knucklehead at that time and I was a fucking idiot, I knew that this had to end. I knew I had to get a real job eventually. And one night I bumped into this guy that I had grown up with. You know, we knew each other. I was better friends with his brother, but me and his brother were at war. Me and his brother weren't talking anymore.

I was decent friends with him. And I walked into Joe Mary's, my favorite bar, and I saw him. And we started talking, and I asked him about his life, and he told me he got thrown out of the Colorado, the Academy in Colorado Springs, and his family was mad at him, and I go, so what's your next move, and he goes, well, I'm going to head to Colorado, I'm going to go to Aspen, Colorado, become a garbage man,

my buddies up there, my other buddies up there, we're all friends from Jersey, they were just a little older than me, and I go, you know what? But you knew them. I knew them. That's what he's talking about. Yeah, I knew them. So I'm like, you know what? He goes, do you want to come? And I was like, what?

And he goes, do you want to come? And I'm like, fuck yeah, I want to get out of here. Really? Yeah, dog, I'm not that dumb. I knew that. It's not about being dumb. I mean, you're a city kid for 20 fucking years, and now you're about to go to Colorado, which has got to be culture shock.

It's totally different. But also, you're looking to get the fuck out. You got to remember, it was three years after my mother died. I couldn't shake it. It's like finding your mother dead at the house, and you got to go to that house every day. I lived in that house. You know, you lived in that house, and it was just a shitty feeling i had every day i always had a knot in my stomach

i was driving by that my stepdad didn't give me any help financial help i couldn't collect social security i mean if every smack in the face that was done to me was, you know, I kept myself together. I don't pat myself on the back about anything. Those times I do because I was really going through it inside. Like, it's that inside shit. It's not that you're getting hit in the head. It's not that your car's getting towed. It's not that your cat's dying.

It's nothing that you can really control. It's the pain that's going on inside and the turmoil was horrible but I told the guy yes I'll do it but I had my eyes on this one bookie I had known

this bookie for years and one day I was walking he befriended me, and I went in his house, and we were talking in his kitchen, and he opened up his living closet, and it was basically a cash register. Do you understand me? Yeah, I hear what you're saying. When he opened up the living closet, like the top shelf was hundreds,

the middle shelf was fifties, the under shelf was twenties, and the one under that was ten. The fifties were stacked from wall to wall. You know, I never thought about killing him. I knew that he had a girlfriend that he would visit, and he would just put padlocks on that door. He would put like three padlocks. My plan was just to blow the fucking door right off the hinges. So I tell my friend

Burkle that yes, I'm going to go to Colorado with you, but he had gotten a DUI so he couldn't pay for a car. So I ended up buying this junker just to get us to Colorado. We registered it. We insured it. What was it?

Some Buick LeSabre, some fucking car. I'll never forget. In the car was a 135 pound bar, 35 pound bar, 45 pound bar, Olympic bar. Yeah, weight lifting bar. Bench press, yeah.

And there were like eight plates in the back because they were big strength guys. Probably eating that Joe Weider shit. Oh, they were eating that Joe Weider and extra shit. Yeah, right. They were eating Joe Weider and Joe Miranda's personal Mexican supplements.

I wasn't eating. But it was funny. We made a deal. He said, when can you be ready to go? And I go, give me like 10 days. I want to put together some money. I don't want to go out there like a fucking bumpy. So I wanted to rob this dealer. I really wanted to rob this bookie.

I set it up so nobody would even think it was me. I borrowed around him so people knew I was actually broke. And, you know, so even if he lifted his eyebrow, he would go up. They borrowed from them. How can he rob me, you know? I had it all set up. So one day I fucking go over to his house on a Friday to pay him. And he opens up the closet,

showing out his fucking thousands of dollars, and he gives me my change. I think I gave him like 160, and he had to give me $10 back or something. Excuse me. And so for a week, 10 days, I just watched his house at night. He lived in a building, and there was a lot of action on that street. It's going to be hard to rob him.

But I figured out a way how to get on his roof and get into the kitchen of the thing. And if I went into the kitchen, the door's right there. I could just unhinge it, empty the cash, and run out. But there was one problem. There was a body shop or something back there, and there was the way the fencing was, there was a German shepherd. That was crazy. So every time I'd come to the fence, the German shepherd would fucking attack the fence.

So I said, fuck it, I would go to Burger King next to the jewelry store I robbed. Yeah, feed that motherfucker. And I'd buy two or three Whoppers, and I'd fucking go back there and give them Whoppers. Even though I went without for days, hungry as fuck, I'd give them the Whoppers. Then I went the next day, and I jumped the fence, and he ate the Whopper.

And every day for about 10 days, I gave him a Whopper, fries, apple pie, whatever the fuck. He would let me pet him, let me fucking pet his stomach. Yeah, I had the... Stomach, now you're petting him. Oh, yeah. I had the motherfucker down.

Who's my baby, you know? Who loves you more than Papa? I'm loving his stomach. Oh, that's great. And fucking, I got this motherfucker, so it was all set for a Saturday night. What'd you do, pop the hinges? No, I had all these people set up. I owed like three people money. I went

to them like friends and I said, hey, I'm gonna have your money and then some. I'll be back tonight with the mother load. Just wait for me here at 11 o'clock. The lookout driver was my buddy Stinky. I was gonna to walk up this back way

and get onto the roof and then crowbar his window go in and crowbar the door and take it off the fucking hinges I had screwdrivers I had hammers I had the whole fucking gift set you know

so I tell my buddy Stinky because it was outside a Cuban restaurant where I told him to park. I go, have you seen anything? Beep the horn. This fucking guy goes into the Cuban restaurant and eats. So here I am trying to pry the fucking window.

Pop. I pop the window. I'm taking the storm window off. And I hear the dog barking. The dog is barking. So I look, and I see flashlights. But I had already heard a cop car stop. And when he stopped, he went whoop. You know, they make that little noise.

So I knew the cops were on to me. I was just trying to bust in, close the window, bust that door, and run out the front door, and they wouldn't see me, like a tourist with a fucking envelope, I fucking got the window open, and sure enough, the cop's light comes up, and he goes, hey, who's up there, so I went to the edge of the roof, and there was like a six-foot gap space between that roof and a fence. And if I could jump that fence, the cops would never get me. They'd be on the other side. The only thing I had to contend with was the German Shepherd,

who I already had in my pocket. We were goombas. You got everybody in your fucking pocket. We were fucking family. So one thing leads to another. I see the lights come up. I turn. I go to the edge, and the cops are right under me.

I mean, I'm looked down, and they're right under me. They're not looking up. They're like, where is he? Go to the end of the alley. And I waited until I took, like, four steps, and I jump over them. Land. They go, stop. Hold.

Police. I thought they were going to shoot me. I jump over him. Land. They go, stop. Hold. Police. I thought they were going to shoot me. I just kept running. But guess what? The fucking dog turned up. I'm like, Bubba, what's going on? He's like. And I'm fucking running with this dog snapping at my ass.

He's biting my leg. I'm punching him in the fucking head. You're fucked. And finally I hit the fence. I hit the fence. He's got my jeans on. I'm like, you the fucking head And finally I hit the fence I hit the fence He's got my jeans on I'm like you ingrateful fuck I fed you whoppers and fish ahoy And whatever the fuck

I gave you And it was a little fence And it had bob wire Three rows of bob wire And I swear to god I made it I high hurled it That's what adrenaline does to you But made it. I high hurled it. High hurled it. That's what adrenaline does to you.

But on my way to high hurling, look at my arm. Look at my left hand, where it is. The fucking fence. The right hand. That's where it was. Damn. The barbed wire went in there, ripped. And ripped all the way up and ripped the tendons.

Oh, fuck. Fucking, I got away from the cops i went home i changed i took this glove off but this glove was so bloody i just left it on and went to the bar and told everybody i didn't have that money blood drops are coming from my hand i'm starting blow i'm like, I'm finished. So, you know what, man? I put together a few moves. I told this kid, I'll meet

you here Saturday night. We'll leave at 11 o'clock. Fucking Friday, I couldn't put the moves together. I met him Saturday. I told him the truth. I go, listen, I only got like 300 bucks. I can't leave. And he goes, listen, I gotta go without you.

But get a plane ticket out there. I'll wait for you. I go, okay. So I went. He fucking gets in his car and leaves. And sure enough, my score opens up. I pick up two G's. I pick up another two G's.

But you never did get anything from that loan shark and did he ever know you were there to try to rob and the cops never got you just left it alone I never found out anything on that this is the weirdest thing that I went, got a plane ticket

started packing I told the people in New York I'm moving to Colorado and one night I go to the bar and guess who's at the bar Jimmy packing. I told the people in New York, I'm moving to Colorado. And one night, I go to the bar, and guess who's at the bar? Jimmy. The loan shark? No, the driver. Oh, your driver. And I go, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be in Colorado

by now. He goes, in Pennsylvania, the axle broke. So I had to get towed back. I'm fucking depressed. He goes, here's $200 for the tow. Here's $200 to get the car fixed. When can we get out of here? And that was when the car broke.

That was a sign that he was coming back to get me. Like, there's no planes. There's nothing. Like, I took that as a sign. I look at life as signs, you know. I took that sign and ten days later, not even, April 25th,

1983, I got in a car with him. I said goodbye to my friends and I shot out to a town called Basalt, Colorado. About 30 miles from Aspen, down the valley. And it was me, him, and another guy.

It was great because it was the first time I had slept since my mother died. Like the first three weeks. Your body gets acclimated also to the high altitude, so you sleep a lot. While your body produces more blood cells and all that shit. But I was living in such a stress zone that I was basically getting up to pee, eat something, and I'd go right back to bed. Like, my stress had been so high for all those years. I lived in Basalt for about a month.

And then we broke up. That's where you went first? Yeah, and then me and Jimmy moved up to a place called Snowmass Village. And you're what, 21 now? 20, 21? No. It's 81. I'm still 20.

It's 83. I'm still 20. And I'm up there about three months, and I'm like, you know what? I really got to get my life together but is it a culture shock to you going from it's gotta be going from the city streets people telling you good morning

yeah exactly that's what I'm talking about me going home and going there's fucking fags in this neighborhood cause everyday they tell me good morning people are nice to me you know I didn't know that people pulled over to pick you up and hitchhike in colorado you're walking people pull over and go hi you want a ride and i tell them to go suck my dick somewhere else get the fuck out of here and i told my roommates they're like no

that's cool around here people just pull up next to you in colorado You want a ride? And you're like, no. And then I found out there was a hitching post and everything. I really went to Boulder. I really went to Snowmass, Aspen, with the intention of doing so in my life. That summer I signed up for classes at Colorado Mountain College. I got a job. We got an apartment. I paid rent. What are you doing for work there? For work there, I was a job. We got an apartment. I paid rent. What are you doing for work there?

For work there, I was a hot carrier. A what? A hottie, you know, a bricklayer's assistant. I really, really enjoyed all that type of work. I did that from, I picked up that job like in May, and I did it until like September too. Because he was a professional. His name was Chip Chilson.

He was a professional skier. So he did fucking brick work in the winter time. He just skied. So he told you that when you got the job, you know. So I got a job working for him. I was doing okay. You know, I played a job working for him. I was doing okay. I played a role. I played an actor.

I told people that I smoked pot, but I didn't drink. I didn't smoke coke. I didn't snort coke. If I wanted coke, I had a guy in snow and an aspen that would sell it to me. But people in snowmats really didn't think I snorted Coke. I don't even know why I made up that lie. I just said, I'm not going to let nobody know I snort Coke. It's going to be like a little hidden thing.

And I was doing great in Snowmass, you know, like July, August. It was amazing, the transformation. I was putting money away. I didn't have a bank account, but I had like a drawer that I had like $600 from. Don't get me wrong, I was still nuts. I robbed my neighbor

upstairs. What'd you get him for? His name was Ken, and he was from Kentucky. And Kentucky was one of those geeks that wore a bicycle helmet with discletes and rode his bike 80 miles. He had a clinton and a jacket. Yeah, and this guy always came over at dinner time. Like, what's up, dog?

We're eating dinner. Am I bothering you? I'm so sorry. You know, we're fucking Catholic. We're from the East Coast. You hungry? Come on in and eat. And every night he would fucking get a free meal

and smoke dope. One day he comes in and he's like, man, my mama just sent me a thousand dollars. I think I'm gonna go get me a steak. I go, Doug, what about us? Buy a bag of weed, come share with us. He goes, I don't know, I gotta save this money. Once he said that to me,

I go, I'm stealing that money. That's all he had to say to me. So I worked him all day. I go, what are you doing today? He goes, I'm going up to Aspen. I'm going to have myself a good old time. I said, alright. So I waited till he left. I made sure I watched him get on the

bus and I ran to his house. I couldn't get into it. I couldn't jimmy his lock. But he had a balcony so I put together like a table on top of a table on top of a chair and I climbed myself up. I went up. Balcony was wide open. People never closed their balconies.

Close your balconies you dumb motherfuckers. I always close my balcony. Because there's people like me out there that are Spider-Man. And fuck it. I went in there. I couldn't find the money. I could not find it this took it with i searched everywhere under the thing around the thing finally i left the door open i went downstairs and thought about it where's this dumb i went upstairs looked at his bike and i saw he had a little pouch

I went upstairs and looked at his bike, and I saw he had a little pouch in the bike. I fucking opened up the pouch. There was a pouch, and there was the $1,000. I took him. I got in the bus to Aspen. I bought an 8-ball, came back before he even knew it. I snorted the 8-ball. Isn't that where he was?

You went to the same town he was in Boston. It took me ten minutes to go up there, get an eight ball, and come right back. I took the money and I hid it in my hallway. And that morning I hear, and he's like, man, I got robbed last night. Somebody robbed me. I don't know how they got in, but I got partial fingerprints from the glass. He goes, I was a junior detective in high school. I took fingerprints and I got a partial. And then he came to me and goes, I have funny feelings to you. And I'm like, it's not me. Get the

fuck out of my house. I never talked to him again. But that gave me the taste of blood again. Yeah. That gave me the taste of blood again. So then there was this place called, it was a cheese restaurant and I had friends that worked up there. They chose, they sold the best cheesecake. She was, she was from Hawaii and she had the biggest tits in the world and she made the best cheesecake. She worked for a guy. She was a sweet girl. The people who worked there were sweet, but the guy who owned it was just a fucking scumbag So I saw her one day And she's like I got cheesecake put away for me It was Labor Day weekend

September And I went up there to see her And it was closed And I go why the fuck She just told me So I went around the back And the back door was open And I went in

And sure enough I go into the office and there's a deposit bag, three grand. I took the deposit bag. I fucking hid it. Next day I went and bought an amp, a cassette player and Madonna's first album. One of the best albums ever and something else. And that just got my fever going for stealing. Like, it was always in my blood. So even though I maintained my college life and my, and by that time, it was September, so I had a switch job, so I became an electrician.

I had taken an electrical wiring course, and I became an electrician. So I was working for an electrician. I was fucking, you know, hitting the bag. I was smoking dope. And I was doing these light little robberies from time to time. My one buddy, George, was a head contractor on this building. And he takes me up there and he goes, look what we did.

We finished the building. And he takes me to this room, to this condo. And he goes, these are the condos that we me to this room to this condo he goes these are the condos that we show to other people so they could buy it they had furniture towels soaps tvs that sunday i cleaned out that he cleaned out the stage everything television television towels wicker baskets what are you doing with this shit are you reselling it no I had my house furnished

my house was furnished like a motherfucker I had a little tree stump with a table on it no more my shit looked like home and gardens I had a bed I had matching maroon towels I had little fucked up flowers

And the funny thing was Me and his brother His brother Jimmy was sleeping I go Jimmy we gotta go rob George He's like fine We went up there kicked the door down to the apartment Took everything pictures Pictures of people

We took everything The couches the carpeting we did it all with a wheelbarrow we walked up that hill like 15 times we were wiped the fuck out but after that I got the taste of it and you're not extra nervous because you don't have the connections to the police anymore

you don't have those things if somebody gets you, you're probably fucked I'm fucked, but it was no mess. You know what the worst crime is? It's no mess. It's a broken window. Like at the time. So they weren't even fucking used to it.

This was like they had crime tape and you know, they had the investigators out in CSI Miami. It was tremendous. And then a buddy of mine, I used to take the bag in my backyard, and he goes, I always see you trying to get in shape.

And he goes, I got weights at my house. You want to lift with me? And I go, yeah. So I would lift weights with him. And one night I asked him, what do you do for a living? He goes, I'm a head chef.

He goes, a John Denver's restaurant. The Tower, it was called. I go, all right, let's go. He goes, you want a job dishwashing two nights a week? He goes, I'll get you a job on prime rib night, and I'll give you all the mistakes so you can get big from the steak. I would go in there. Oh, my God.

Just load up on that prime rib protein. Prime rib, shrimp. I was eating food off people's dishes. I had no respect back then. Like, I was just an animal. I was a 19-year-old animal from Jersey, you know. And it was funny. Like, we would go to parties afterward.

Like, you'd fucking do dishes. I was also a sous chef. They taught me two days how to mix sauces and prep, cut onions and shit. But I don't like cutting stuff because I can't see blood. So I didn't like cutting stuff. But I made sauces and all that shit. And then the interesting was that I became free. He would take me at night.

We would all get together and go to different houses. But these people were all coke dealers. So they would ask me, do you want to do a line? I'm like, no, I don't do coke. And then a week later, I would rob them. To do the coke, yeah, by yourself. I know what you're saying yourself so I kept robbing these independent drug dealers

and they couldn't figure it out not to mention if anybody goes to the magic castle in Hollywood if you want to get a laugh I've been once ask for the magician doc and while he's doing it just go doc it was very nice to meet you

we'll head to the comedy store and he'll stop what he's doing it, just go, Doc, it was very nice to meet you. We'll head into the comedy store. And he'll stop what he's doing to ask you, you're not going to see Joey Coco Diaz, are you? And if you say yes, he's going to tell you every bad story about him. He knows them all, huh? He was the in-house magician at the Tower at the time. At John Demmer's restaurant. At John Demmer's restaurant. And this idiot did a trick where

you took a deck of cards and you put a $50 bill or a $100 and there was a fan spinning on the ceiling and he put a thumbtack to it and his thing was if he could make it go through the fan he kept it.

If it fell down then you got your $50 back. But if it go through the fan, he kept it. Without what? If it fell down, then you got your 50 back. Okay. But if it stuck to the ceiling. But the ceiling was a little midget ceiling. And it was like, on one side was like 10 foot, but then it would drop to like 8 1⁄2. So at the end of the shift every night, I'd make believe I was vacuuming.

And I'd go to the corner where it was like 8 feet. And I'd jump and pull down like 4 or 5 50s. And then we just started stealing the rest of the ceiling. The rest of the ceiling. We just. Me and the other dishwashers. Just started moving outward. Just fucking robbing them every day.

And he finally figured it out or whatever the fuck it was. But it was just weird that while I was working there, I started hitting drug dealers like high caliber. Half a kilo. But you're not doing stand-up at that time. Stand-up was not even...

So what's crazy to me is that this dude at Magic Castle, years later you enter his life again in a whole different way. In a whole different way. There wasn't even a thought of doing stand-up. Right. That's what blows me away is you're going to see this guy again years later. That's unbelievable.

That's unbelievable. But I just couldn't stop stealing. Every time I got to. All right. So let me ask you this. Would you say more than any drug that you were addicted to, stealing was the drug that you were most addicted to? At this time, you've got to remember my state of mind as a child. My state of mind was that God took away the most important thing in my life.

He took a shit on me. So now I really don't give a fuck about humanity. Like, my life is to make your life miserable because God made my life miserable. So that's what's called lashing out, isn't it? Lashing out at the world, you know? I was lashing out in my own little fucking retarded way. And that was it.

It was lashing out at drug dealers. And would you say, and this is a lesson to a lot of people out there, the reason you found out about almost everything you found out is because people talk too much. They say too much. Dude, I got this thousand over here. I would go to their houses at night at two in the morning to play darts.

And I'd listen to them talking shit. That's it. They give you all the info. And then I would be outside because it was transitions. I worked the electrician's job until I got laid off for that. It gets too cold. And then I just started shoveling snow

in front of my... They paid me 15 bucks an hour. So I lived like in Creekside apartments. Creekside, we're from A to D. All the drug dealers lived in there. These idiots were going skiing. What drug dealer goes skiing?

That means you're leaving your stash in your fucking house. So I would have four hours to get my way with your shit. Some guys, I would go in their house and take an eight ball. Because my buddy was an engineer, so he devised this. We live in Creekside, D12.

All the doors and the locks were the same. So he devised a tool for me to open up the wall. Like a skeleton key? Like a skeleton key. To get every door? Every fucking door.

That's unbelievable. I thought, yeah. Can you fucking believe that? So let's say you lived with Bert and I want to bust Bert's balls. I know Bert has four ounces. I would come over and take one so he would blame you. I would get over and take one so he would blame you.

I would get over there at 8 o'clock and you guys would be yelling at each other. What are you yelling about? I'm missing an ounce. This fucking guy. He saw that I'd be there dying of laughter like, oh, this fucking retard. You know, it's so funny.

I got a call from a friend of mine about two months ago. Dear, dear friend. He's in Panama right now. I lived with him in 93. At the time, he was on heroin. And one day, we were sharing a one-bedroom. We were living with his grandma.

I was an open mic comic. And he was a junkie at the time. Now, he's got a business. He's changed his life. He makes six figures a year. It's amazing how life changes. But we're sitting there, and I'm watching this lady come down the stairs with her two little kids, and we had like one grill in the back.

It was a community grill, and she's grilling. So I'm broke. I got like 23 bucks. I back. It was a community grill. And she's grilling. So I'm broke. I got like 23 bucks. I'm trying to put together seven bucks. To be able to get a nickel bag of weed at 20. And to get a toll. And to maybe eat a hot dog in New York. I'm living in northern New Jersey.

I see the lady flipping burgers. I go, I wonder if her front door is open. I run up the stairs. I open up the second burgers. I go, I wonder if her front door is open. I run up the stairs. I open up the second floor. There it is. The purse is right there with a little envelope, a payday envelope. I take it. I run down.

I open up the envelope. There's eight bills. I take the envelope, throw it in the toilet. I take the 800. I put it in the basement. And I sit in the living room like nothing happened. George, my junkie buddy, is in the back. He just did like a $5 bag, and he's back there like fucking Zombo.

And all of a sudden, sure enough, I open the door, and it's the lady with the cops. And she's like, where's George at? He took my money. And I'm like, hold on, let me get him for you. I'm like, George. George,? He took my money. And I'm like, hold on. Let me get him for you. I'm like, George. George, hold on. The cops are here. George comes out.

You can see the hide jump out of him. The hide just jumps out of him. And she's like, you're a fucking junkie. I knew it was you. And he's like, I haven't left my apartment. I've been here all day. So the cops did a report. I felt terrible. He's my like, I haven't left my apartment. I've been here all day. So the cops did a report. I felt terrible.

He's my brother in half. You know, he's my brother. But I'm loving it at the same time. If you know anything about me, I'm dying. He's trying to talk himself out of it. They even got me in the other room questioning me. Has he left the house? And I'm like, no.

He's been home all day. I don't know what this lady's talking about. Meanwhile, I got the small 800 in the basement alright the cops leave George says I can't fucking believe she blames me I go out to the city I buy a dime bag

I get a nice steak I come back I see him and I draw him 100 you know out of respect I go hey man I made a score he's like, thanks. And he leaves. And he didn't know about it that I had robbed a lady. Okay.

20 years later, he's straight. And I tell him, remember the night that you got in trouble for robbing that lady? He goes, yeah. I go, it was me. He goes, you motherfucker. I knew it was you. So that's the end of the conversation. About two months ago, I'm in a meeting, and I get a call from him, and I, you know, I can't talk right now.

I don't even pick it up. And he's calling. He's calling. He's calling. He's calling. He's calling. I finally get in the car. I go, George, what the fuck?

He goes, sit down. You're going to love this story. He goes, I went to lunch today at a fancy restaurant. He goes, I sit at the bar, and I'm talking to this girl, and she's asking me where I'm from. I tell her, Cliffside. And I ask her where she's from, and she says, Cliffside. And I ask her where she's from. And she says, Cliffside.

And I go, where? And she goes, 144 with Terrace. And he goes, what are you talking about? I grew up at 144 with Terrace. And she goes, oh, my God. We must have been neighbors at the same time. And he goes, when did you stay there? And I tell her, she goes, until about 93.

We were doing great there. But then a junkie in the building stole my mom's purse. Oh, it's the kid. George calls me right away. It was a little kid out there. It was a little kid. That's unbelievable. So I was one of those guys.

I was robbing and everybody else was getting the blame. So by like December, I had caused like a panic up there. Like people were like, there's a burglar. And then on December 24th, I went, I got really drunk, and I just started breaking into businesses. I was just breaking doors off hinges. I went into a magazine store and I took a dolly and I put the

safe on the dolly. Come on. Oh yeah, you know me because you never open up a safe. Yeah, you take the safe to go. So I take the safe to go. I bang it open. It'd be like three grand. Then I had to dump the safe behind Ted Bundy where he killed the chick. For real?

Yeah, yeah. Ted Bundy killed people up in Village, Snowmass Village. I forget the hotel. Was it the time you were up there like that during that time? Seven or eight years before that. It was when Bundy was causing havoc in Aspen and Snowmass Village. I forget

the name of the place where he killed the girl. We threw the safe behind there. Fuck, we'll blame it on Bundy. You know what I'm saying? Why not? Why not? But I still remember waking up Christmas Day and the front page of the Snowmass paper

was all burglarized on Christmas Eve. Like, I just kicked open the doors to four different places. Like, that was my, you know, it just goes to show you how angry I was deep, deep, deep down inside. After that, they started blaming this kid. There was this kid from Minneapolis. His family had a ski company, and they kept blaming him for robbing everything. Todd something, Jeff Todd, something like that was his name. So I cooled down.

I said, fuck it, I'm not going to rob nothing for a couple fucking months and let this shit cool down. Let people trust again. I mean the city of Snowmass is like three blocks. So I had the whole town locking their doors. And you know. Balcony doors. But there was this one jewelry store. I knew the dude who owned it.

He was half a fag. His wife was a cunt. And. half a fag. His wife was a cunt, and I knew I could break this place down. He had one alarm at the place. At that time, I was working for an electrician, so there was a guy that would help me with alarms. He knew about alarms and shit like this. The other thing I was doing when I was in Colorado, I forgot to train you, was I became friends with this guy named Fred and his wife. And Fred was an ex-Vietnam Rambo, like President's, you know,

Congressional Medal of Honors. When I met him, I didn't know. I thought he was just a big fat guy. But after a few years, I got to find out who he was. So for six months, I would meet him on Saturdays. I would sleep at their house on Friday. They had no kids. Now they got like three kids.

One of them is going to Notre Dame. But at that time, they had no kids. And him and I, he would just teach me how to kill. Really? Hand to hand shit? Hand to hand weapons. How to blow up somebody with simple shit like leave their fucking

gas on and put a light outside with a fucking fuse and I mean this guy was just, it first started with guns. He taught me everything to know about guns. How to shoot, how to clean them. We moved up from.22s to.32s to.38s to.44s to 9mms to Glocks to fucking rifles to machine guns. He taught me everything.

You know, at that time, I wanted to go back and kill my stepfather. That was the deal. So he was prepping me, and I was going to split some and kill my stepfather. That was the deal. So he was prepping me. Jesus Christ. And I was going to split some of the money with him. He's got a congressional metal bar. It was crazy. My life was crazy. I'll never forget that.

Before I worked at the electrical company, there was a guy at the electrical company who would break my balls. And one day, I didn't company who would break my balls. And one day I didn't like how he broke my balls and I said something to him. I'm like, you know what? Go fuck yourself. And when there was nobody around that day for lunch, I was doing something

and he cornered me and he put a knife to my neck. And I was standing on pipe, like metal one inch pipe. I couldn't get my ground in. He goes, you ever embarrass me in front of my men like that, I'll fucking stab you. And I'm looking at this guy going, if he doesn't kill me, I'm going to fuck this motherfucker up.

And sure enough, like an ass, he put his knife down. He goes, you hear what I'm saying? Don't you ever embarrass me again. If I was 18 or 19, he was like 30. So I had told my man Fred about this. And Fred goes, listen, why don't you just use him as a tune-up? He's a practice dummy. Use him as a practice dummy.

A tune-up. You know, take some weapons and shoot them and torture them. Do whatever you want. We went down there. He taught me where to park, how to act, how to watch people, how to observe people, you know, how to keep a log. I mean, this guy was a fucking... A log.

Oh, yeah, this guy was a genius. And he goes, this is your homework assignment. Before I give you, because we were going to mail the weapons to New York, I was going to pick them up and go shoot my stepfather. That was the plan. Damn. I mean, that was crazy, guys. I was really in bad shape.

You know, your mother just died. So this guy had gotten loud with me. So he goes, you got to go fuck him up. I knew I didn't want to kill him. I just wanted to, he goes, I would, he goes, if you want to kill him, you can kill him. But he goes, I'd rather you just practice the element of surprise on him. I want you to get him when he's least expected. He taught me how to attack people when they get them. He goes, why are you going to jump somebody here when you can jump them there when they got three beers in them?

You want their reaction time to be slow and all this shit. Vulnerable, all of it, yeah. And I found out by watching the guy. I mean, he made me go down there and study the guy for like a month. And I learned that, you know, the guy would go to a bar every night and go home about 11, fucking staggering. So I didn't know that he was doing it seven nights a week,

so I called him on a Sunday night. And I go, what should I bring down there? And he goes, just bring a gun. If you're alone with him, shoot him. You know? But I want you to just practice the art of sneaking up on him, like where to stand, where to position yourself,

how to have a gun ready if he does see you, you know, like have it ready to fucking shoot. I mean, this is really fucking weird shit, I'm telling you. And one Sunday night, I'll never forget, I went down there. I watched him go into the bar, and I just sat on him for like eight hours. Watched him leave the bar. He told me the route to take to get to his house before he did. So I could, as soon as I saw him step out of the bar, I took off.

And I hid my truck a little bit, and I walked with like a rain jacket on. It was cold. So I may believe I had a hood bit, and I walked with, like, a rain jacket on. It was cold. So I may believe I had a hood on, a yellow hood. And I'll never forget the fucking, I had a, you know, like, fighting sticks. Yeah. I had a half a fighting stick and, like, a knife and a gun. You had all this on you?

I had all this on me. You know, I was out of my fucking mind. I had the black Charles Bronson hat on. I had the black on me. You know, I was out of my fucking mind. I had the black Charles Bronson hat on. I had the black jacket on. Oh, yeah. The safe cracker hat. I was all in. You know me, dog. I'm retarded. And sure enough,

fucking, uh, I get behind this, like, uh, side of the house. I see him. He's married, and I see him fucking walk up his, he was starting to walk up his steps, and I just turned him around and clocked him with the stick, and I clocked him a few times on the legs, it was horrible, the noises he was making, I didn't even say nothing, like, really. I don't even think I said nothing. I just think I whacked him a bunch of times.

I may have said something. I don't remember right now. But I remember going to work Monday. That motherfucker wasn't there. And Tuesday, that motherfucker wasn't there either. And Wednesday, they were like, motherfucker still ain't here. We better send somebody to his house

to see what the fuck happened. Moved. He never came back. Really? I thought he was going to come back and report me. Yeah. I thought he was going to figure out it was me because I think I did say something to him.

But you also left your face open, right? No. Oh, you did pull it all in. Yeah, I had the fucking little mask with the holes, the whole thing. I had the Charles Bronson thing that rolls down with the winter collection. The winter collection. The longshoreman to the mug. That's what I thought you were wearing, the longshoreman.

But it was just so weird. I had such a great life up there. I had such a great, great life up there. And I couldn't control my stealing. And I had all these drug dealers confused. Nobody could touch me. Then this jewelry store came up. And then I decided I'm going home February 1st to celebrate my 21st birthday.

Why would I celebrate it out here with these stiffs? Let me go home from the 1st to December 19th and just party for 19 days and come back on the 20th. That was the plan. But, and here's the other plan. Between you and I, guys, I probably had no exaggeration. Probably 11 ounces of Coke. I had a block of hash this big that was stamped by some Egyptian fucking yoga teacher. It had like the star of David on it. This is when they used to stamp hash accordingly. So like it was gold, platinum, silver, whatever.

I had a block of hash. I probably had 11 ounces of Coke. I had tons of stolen jewelry from hotel rooms and whatever, dealers. And I probably had between us, I don't know, maybe 20 large in cash. I could have gone home and had a great time. I could have offed the jewelry, snorted the 11 ounces, and blew the 20,000. Nobody would have known the difference. I didn't do that.

I wanted to rob that jewelry store. I'm like, I gotta rob that jewelry store because I can really make a fucking score. So I went to my alarm guy. We set it up. He goes, go in the daytime on Sunday and cut the wiring. So I cut the wiring when nobody could see me you know it wasn't the world of cameras

I cut the wiring did the whole fucking thing and uh tonight I'm gonna rob this guy this jewelry store it's the biggest fucking blizzard in the history of Colorado but I had also helped a guy.

I used to help this old guy. It was this guy that put an ad in the paper for Pete guys to help him carry furniture. I forget what his name was. He was about 70, good old guy. And I would help him carry furniture. And one day he told me, he goes, you know what? Keep the keys to the condos. Nobody ever comes here. He goes, these people are filthy rich.

And they come here maybe once a year. So keep the keys to the condos. And if you want to run errands for me from time to time, I think the guy gave me like $100 a week just to take the, like, load firewood whenever it came and stuff like that. So I wouldn't hide the money or the coke. I hid it in one of the apartments. He told me these people lived, like, in Yugoslavia,

and it was just a tax break for them because they were U.S. citizens. So they had this house, but nobody was ever there. I would go up there and put cable on. They had food in the cabinets. I would open it up, make peanut butter. I wouldn't bring my own food. But that's where I hid the Coke. They had like an outdoor ski closet.

Just in case they did come back, I could get my Coke, my money. I had everything I wanted. And sure enough, on this Sunday night, I took that apartment. I put different clothing in there, and I left my, steal the jewelry, go to my side house, drop the jewelry off there. By the time I was walking home, the cops would be out. They'd see me. I told them I had to go shovel the property and I'd be done. I could go home in two weeks with everything I had. Didn't turn out. I went up there, broke the glass. As I was stuffing jewelry into the bag, something made me turn, and I saw like three cop cars coming up the hill with their lights off. They had a silent alarm.

Oh, shit. So I took what I could, and I fucking ran to my house like a fucking idiot instead of running to the house, stashing the stuff and walking, I ran to my house and sure enough, fucking an hour later, I hear,

and it's two sheriffs, and they're like, I don't know if you know what happened tonight. There was a jewelry price, but for some reason, we followed the tracks and they led here. Has anybody come to

visit? I don't know. I've been home all night and they looked down and my boots had snow on them. And they're melting. I'm a fucking idiot, you know. And then I became a suspect. The rumors were coming out that maybe I was the guy that was robbing the coke dealers.

And I said, fuck it. Let's cool this down. So on February 1st, I went back to New Jersey in 1984. And that's a complete different story. We'll start the next time. All right, but I have a question for you. So they never arrested you for that. You were able to leave back to Jersey in 1984, February.

I probably tried to rob the jewelry store like January 18th. Okay. So for 12 or 11 days, I was walking on eggshells. I heard it from a friend of mine that was friends of one of the cops that they're really close on arresting because they didn't know there were robbing drug dealers but they knew something was going on

I love you thank you for being here you've already given advice to your 16 year old self you don't need to give any more goddamn advice to that kid February 1st 1984 is where we're going to pick up next. How old are you, February? You're just about to turn 21.

Just about to turn 21. Happy birthday, by the way. Thank you, sir. I love you. I'm glad you're in good health. February 1st, 1984, we're going to pick it up. Please, before we wrap up, promote whatever you'd like. March 27th, I am at the Arlington Casino in Santa Barbara

California I'm skipping a jump And uh April 17th I'm in Reno And April 18th I'm in Portland Oregon I don't know what Fucking theater go to JoeyDiaz.net knock yourself out I love you

I love you too Thank you As always I am Ryan Sickler on all social media I love you too thank you as always I am Ryan Sickler on all social media go to my website check out the live dates come out and see me we'll talk to y'all next week I'll see you next time.