The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joey Diaz - A September to Remember

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Joey Diaz & he’s back where it all started! We pick up with Joey in jail, September 1988. SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: Raycon - For a limited time get 15% off your order at BUYRAYCON.com/honeydew! That’s BUYRAYCON.com/honeydew for a special 15-percent discount on Raycon wireless earbuds—make sure to check it out now while the deal’s running Manscaped - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code HONEYDEW at ​Manscaped.com​. That’s 20% off with free shipping at ​manscaped.com and use code HONEYDEW! What are you waiting for? Go whack your weeds! Upstart - See why Upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes! That’s Upstart.com/honeydew!

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Raycon, Upstart, and Manscaped. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We are over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. I can't thank you guys enough for your support. Please make sure you're subscribed to the YouTube channels. You get the audio on Monday.

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If you live in LA and you need musical instruments or lessons for you or your kids, this is the spot. Santa Monica Music Center. They have online classes from LA musicians. You don't have to instruments or lessons for you or your kids this is the spot santa monica music center they have online classes from la musicians you don't have to live here for that you go to santa monica music.com you use the code honeydew they'll waive the registration fee and give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package all right now that that is out of the way very excited to have today's guest back on the honeydew, y'all. The saga continues from New Jersey. Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Joey Diaz. What's happening, Ryan Sickler? It's great to see you. I know we've been talking, but this is the first time I've seen your face. I'm actually excited that you're in Jersey where most of this originates, and we're going to continue this story. You good? I'm actually excited that you're in Jersey where most of this originates,

and we're going to continue this story. You good? I'm good. All right. So what do you want to plug? I'm feeling good. Let's let everybody know you got the new podcast coming. Tell everybody everything, please.

I got the new podcast that I started last week, real low budget, because I can't get all the pieces. Everything's running behind. So if I wait for everything I'm waiting on, because I got a bar set up, I can't start until like fucking November. So I'm just going to go with an iPhone, a mic, and Apple, and YouTube.

That's it. You know what I'm saying? Just the basics to start off with. You're looking at the set. I got Bruce Lee, the game of death behind me. I got Def Leppard, high and dry. Led Zeppelin, too. And ACDC, the bonfire to the left of me.

I'm ready. And over on that side of the office is the side for the album of the week, for Patreon. So I've turned my whole fucking house into this fucking camera place. So the electrician was supposed to come today between 12 and one. He calls it 12. He can't make it to one. Then he calls at one 10 and says 30 minutes.

I said, listen, let's just do it Monday at eight when my daughter's in school. And so it's just a fucking waiting game. But I'm ready to fucking go. I know. So we're just soundproofing now. It's Amazon's backed up.

Everything's back. You can't get the shit in. I know. Or you miss. No, you're doing the right thing. So I'm going to just get a fucking iPhone. Best camera in the country, in the world, is on the iPhone. You can shoot a fucking

porno. You see pubic hairs flying out of their assholes. You see everything. You know what I'm saying? The iPhone camera, you see everything. Nose hairs. Fucking Hunan breath. It catches x-rays and shit. You take a picture of a skinny person,

you see a shoulder bone and shit with the fucking iPhone. It's sensational. So why am I fucking around? You put the iPhone, you get a mic from Amazon and you fucking go through the box and that's it. You get a second mic and I got a little setup.

All this is is communication and letting people know what the fuck is going on. That's it. Why am I making such a big deal about it? The bar, I got to get lights, I got to get a plug, I got to get a panel. What the fuck? I got to get booze. This is nice and easy. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I know. And then these people complain about these free shows. They have no idea what you got to do to set this shit up to do the damn thing. No, no. They don't know. So you know what? I looked at a bunch of people's

podcasts. There's people that just put a picture on YouTube of them smiling. Yeah. And they put a podcast up. Yeah. And they get 100. What's the difference? I'll do the same fucking thing. Yeah. Some weeks if I'm in the mood, I'll let you see me. If I get up at four and I have too much in me, then forget about it. I got fucked up last

Monday by mistake. What do you mean by mistake? I got those hashtags. You know me, I got a weird tolerance. There's a company out there that has these hashtags and all this shit. The suspect, I ain't bad-mouthing them. They're

great. They just put Houdini stuff in their shit. I've been around drugs. I know what drugs should feel like. When you take one of these edibles, you feel a little bit different. I got some sent out to me in the hashtags. I opened the party with four of them.

You know me. I ain't fucking around. Oh, my God. You just kicked it off with four around. Oh my God. You just kicked it off with four? Oh my God. With four. Now I know what Tom Segura felt like on that plane ride.

You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. I was falling asleep. It was terrible. We had to go out to dinner with the kids and one of his classmates. And I was falling asleep at the table. It was a nightmare.

My wife had to say something to me tremendous. But every once in a while, you got to have an accident. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's quarantine. It is, man. This shit is nuts. Homeschools when it officially put me over the edge.

I was doing all right, and then the homeschool hit, and I am not doing okay, man. I am not okay. No, nobody is. Nobody is. She homeschooled today. She got out. I got a pizza for lunch, and then I took her for a bike ride

for like 45 minutes because we got the neighborhood. It's like a fucking one big fucking driveway it's tremendous that's what i want to ask so if we just went for a night are you loving being back in jersey or yeah are you how do you feel you feel yes i'm home i'm home i'm not living where i grew up which makes it even better. I go up there. I say hello. I went up there Tuesday. I went to my mother's grave.

I got pissed off because the Puerto Rican didn't fucking mow the lawn. I gave him a yardstick and I told him, take extra care of this fucking dead stiff. And the fuck, there's a big chunk of grass. I thought it was like a snake pit. So thank God I brought gloves with me.

I fucking ripped some of the fucking leaves off, but I got to bring a fucking blow. And I went to get flowers for his grave, and they decided to go on vacation on September 30th. Like, can you believe that? The day I got there, they went on vacation from 9.30 to 10-something, 10-4 or something like that. And I'm like, I know they're Spanish.

That's a Jew holiday. Like, why are they taking off for a Jew holiday? They're Spanish people. I was pissed off Tuesday. Tuesday was a good one. But then I saw, then I went by my buddy's funeral parlor. You know, I got a kid I grew up with that his family has a funeral parlor. They've had it in the family

for like 100 years. I went by there. I sat in the fucking office, talked to him for a little while. It was great. That part of it has been great. The part that I'm not dealing with is my schedule. My schedule is fucked up.

I get anxiety from this not having a schedule. Every day my schedule is fucked up. So I get anxiety from this, not having a schedule. So every day my schedule gets a little better. Like I'm starting to go to bed now at 1130. It was three, four in the morning for a month. I'm right there with you, man.

I'm a very, uh, structured schedule person. And I'm used to this and this and this and this, this homeschool fucking sit there and help them all day. I feel like I'm drowning. I really do. All good things are happening, but it's all coming all over the fucking place.

And this homeschool just killing me, bro, killing me. You know, I got people calling me for this, that I can't even fucking function. I'm not even functioning 100%. I got to be honest with you. I get a lot of anxiety. I get a lot of social anxiety. I'm going to start to do a comedy residency

for the month of October at Uncle Vinny's. By the time this comes out, I'll do the first... They seat 36 people. They socially distance. At least I get to get an outlet once a week. It's see 36 people. They socially distance. And at least I get to fucking get an outlet once a week. You know, it's just 36 tickets. That's it.

Once it's in door here that once it's in door. Yeah, it's better than nothing. Once a week. Yeah. That's that's all I got right now. That's all I got right now. I got a family. I got the winter is going to be fucking cold here.

Yeah. You know where I live. Don't take a family. I got the winter's going to be fucking cold here. You know, where I live, don't take a genius. If you look on my block and look around, you're like, boy, there's fucking deer out in September. You know, there were deer out when I moved in on August 31st. This is a cold fast fucking. The way the trees are shaped and shit, you know, when the wind comes in, it's going to be fucking cold. So I'm just bucking down. I'm not going anywhere.

There's no plans on any planes or anything. And I'm just going to provide content. That's it. That's all you can do. I'm going to do my Patreon. That's the right thing to do. That's the right thing to do. And do my podcast and then get on stage once a week.

That's the best I could do right now. You know, I don't want to go out there and charge somebody 25 bucks and not have a polished towel. I'm not even close to that. I'm doing my first show in seven months on Friday next week. It's a rooftop that Sarah Mello. It's an outside rooftop Sarah Mello puts on. And she's had like Neil Brennan

and Santino and, and I, and I hit her up and she's like, I'd love to have you. So it's my first one in seven months and it looks like they're doing a good job, uh, with that one separating everybody. It's an open air venue. Um, so we'll see. I just, you know, I agree. I can't go ask you for money if I don't have at least a polished 30 and an 80% other 30 I'm working on. You know what I mean? I don't feel right taking it. Especially now, people are on unemployment. People are freaking out. It's why I love what you did with your Patreon. If people don't know, it's a dollar. Is it still that? Is that correct? It's a dollar until the 12th. The 12th, I got to

go up to 3, 5, 10, 15. I'm just waiting for the shirt designs to come in to give them an option on shirts and stuff like that. The Patreon has really taken a lot of the anxiety away. When I answer those messages,

I laugh my ass off. They could go either way. Every day I get one guy to tell me that he's in the mood to bust somebody's head. I got guys that are ready to smack somebody for me. They're all over the place. Are you getting back to them?

Yes. That's my main thing on Patreon, is the messaging. I believe that connection is the most important, you know. So I sit there for two hours a day. When you have 13,000 people, that's a lot of messages. Yeah, it is. So it's two hours a fucking day.

So I wanted to slow it down a little bit, go up to $3, and just give them tiers, give them options give me more options to work with you know well i'll say this too because i just did this for myself but patreon now if anybody out there doesn't know you can do this for joey too they offer a yearly subscription so instead of doing monthly and worrying about your card getting declined or any of that you can sign up for a year so i encourage you right right now, go sign up for Joey's Patreon, get the yearly package, sign up for mine, the honey do with you all, get the yearly package, and you'll save some money on it.

You end up getting free episodes and free content. But again, I know money's tight for people, so I'm right there with you. Yeah, no, I understand. That's why I did what I did, and I give you options, and, you know, just to have that connection. You know, the other, I think a lot of social media you look at, just when you read a couple of things, it just pulls you down. You're like, really, I'm back on Facebook reading this shit?

Right. I'm back on Twitter. Even though I love Twitter, I love torturing people on Twitter. I've cut down a lot. I've cut down my usage a lot since I've been here. So here's the problem. You're setting up the fucking you got real shit to do, you know? Yeah.

No, no. Here's the problem I got. I don't know if the story I'm telling you, if I was, did I, did I come out on bail or am I in prison already? I'll tell you exactly where we are. Cause I listened. So it was September 88. You were in prison and you just got in there and you said, who do I walk into and see? And it's a guy with the two broken legs that had just jumped out the window that you'd

heard about before. And he's playing cards. That's where we are. And I got to're in there. And the funny thing about that situation was that I got accused of that one. Right. When they were questioning me, they asked me if I knew that guy. So when I saw him at the prison diagnostic,

it made me laugh my fucking ass off. It was crazy. That time period going up to that was crazy because i got sent to summit county first they told me i wouldn't get the diagnostic so they sent me to summit county did i tell you that yeah let me just let me just say this let me say this real quick for everybody if so we're picking up. I guest hosted Joey's church. So the story of the kidnapping and everything is on a few weeks ago before Joey left, a couple months ago now probably. Geez. That story is there.

So you jump from the honeydew. You can go to the church, get that full episode. It's a two-hour episode. It's fantastic about the whole kidnapping, and now we're picking up with Joey in jail. So please, sorry, continue. Okay, so I got sentenced in Boulder,

and once you go into the cell, you start talking to other fucking knuckleheads, and they told me the system was backed up. That the system was backed up 30 to 90 days, which is good because you get county jail time.

You get two days for one. So you want that county jail time, you know? So they told me that they were sending inmates to Oklahoma and Missouri for the overpopulation in Colorado. So be prepared. And they told me all this shit. And I just yessed them to death, you know, whatever. And the next morning I get waking up

and I'm getting taken to Summit County Jail. That's a ski resort up there, like an hour or two away from Boulder. And I went up there and and it was fucking August, and it was just gorgeous out. And I made friends with a kid from Brooklyn, and all he did every day was play handball. My son, Tan, I was brown because I would play with my shirt off with him.

All day long, we'd play handball. And he was locked up because he fucking had the feds. He told the feds he would cooperate and buy two kilos of coke let's say this i'll think and he went he said he set the whole house up he pulled up in the fed car the feds waited for him outside he went into the front and went out through the back and took the feds 30 grand and him and his buddy left and they caught him two years later and they brought him back

to Colorado yeah oh yeah this kid was so I became friends with this guy this guy was my type of guy he tricked the fucking feds and they had to play surrounded. And he still, he did something the day before where he went under the fence and threw a basement, and they came out into the car.

So they just pulled out like residents. And he was in the backseat. It was perfect. So I became friends with him, and I became friends with this, not friends. I became friendly with him and I became friends with this, not friends. I became friendly with this guy. You know, those guys that always show you naked pictures of their girlfriend. You've had those idiots. Yeah.

A lot of comics. There's always one fucking moron. Yeah. They'll go, hey, come here for a second. Look at this chick I'm banging. And they'll show you like a naked picture that chick sent them at lunchtime or something. Well, this guy was one of those guys.

There was no cell phones then, actually. He just had Polaroids or regular pictures and all day long she would send her pictures of her in a bikini. Just focus on that story for now because we're going to come back to that. I became friends

with this idiot and another idiot there were two idiots i would just say hello to him but he would always go hey look at my girlfriend how hot is she now this guy was a fucking mutt and i go what's your situation he goes my girlfriend is living with my roommate now and she's got my full support and I'm locked up for three years blah blah blah so boom I wake up one day and now I'm a diagnostic they call me in the morning and they

go pack your shit you're going to diagnostic diagnostic is where you go for two weeks and they go into your head it's a fucking jungle. What do they do? It's real. They give you a physical.

They fucking test you. They do testing scores. Like psyche vows and shit like that. Yeah, you know, they tell you to identify circles. What comes to your mind when you see a horse, you know,

you fuck with their heads it's like Charles Bronson and the Dirty Dozen you ever see when Charles Bronson and the Dirty Dozen they tried to fuck with him that was me so God knows what's on file right now the feds must think I'm retarded

because I fucked with them throughout that whole thing what comes to your mind the Cuban embassy. I would just say, fuck them things. It's like five days of testing. They draw blood and all that shit.

The big thing was HIV. They were looking for HIV. Then you wait there until you get an assignment. I wanted to go to rifle. There was a low, low risk prison and rifle. It was two low risk prisons. There was rifle and there was Golden, Colorado, the home of Coors.

So it was only an hour from Boulder. I didn't want to go to Golden. I wanted to go to rifle because they let you ski in the winter. When you were at this prison, they let you work at the ski resort in the winter and at the pool and the movie theater in the summer. No, the ski resort and the movie theater in the winter. And in the summer, they will let you work at a local pool. And what did they have you doing?

Like janitorial? Selling pretzels, sweeping the pool, lifeguards. They were all prison inmates that had worked themselves into good points. And now they would be allowed out to go do work. So it's like a little work release. And then you come back and spend the night there? Is that how? Yeah.

Got it. Yeah, it was pretty much, it gets a little easier for you. The only thing Golden did was clean highways. So I didn't want to go to Golden. Because that's all you do. Every day you go out somewhere, they put a fucking cone around you. And those are those idiots you see with the little orange fucking vest on. As you're doing 90 on the 405.

I don't need that shit to get hit by a car. So I ended up working in the kitchen. They gave me a job in there. I got a call one morning. And they said, you're going to fucking Golden. I was pissed, even though it was an hour from where I lived. It would make it so easy. Not even an hour.

It was maybe 30 minutes from where I lived. So my girlfriend could come visit me. My friends could come visit me. Family could come visit me. You know, shit like that. So I got the wake-up call to go to Golden. And it was called Camp George West.

If you go online, you can look it up. It's still online today. Camp George West. It says an institution, whatever. Fuck that. It's a fucking prison. Told them they did army barracks. It was an old army barracks.

So I didn't know what to expect, guys. I was supposed to go to prison. I was expecting to be like on a chain gang or something like that. And here I am in Golden, Colorado

at the fucking old army barracks. You know? And you walk in, you register at the table, they treat you like shit. They say something to you and you were supposed to go

to your room and then put your stuff away and then right from your room, you gotta go meet with your counselor. So let me ask you a question here. You have a room. Do you have, are they electronic doors that shut and lock or are they treating you like an adult here? And how many people in a room?

So they put me in a, like a door, a barrack right in front of the office first. And there was eight single rooms to that barrack. And then a shower and bathroom area. Maybe three stalls to shit, three stalls to piss, and like three showers with curtains. And you had eight guys in there. You know? And each one. You could visit each other's rooms. Some people

had curtains up. Some people had beads up like they were hippies. Black guys just had a sheet up. You know what I'm saying? Like they don't give a fuck. You know, you gotta knock on the sheet. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? They don't give a fuck. You know, you got to knock on the sheet. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying?

You fucking nuts or what? Dog, you didn't knock on my sheet. What the fuck? I got to knock on your sheet. So it's fucking crazy. So they put me in this one

dorm the first day and I don't know right away two guys from New York came up to me how you doing they were two creepy guys but I had to go to see I had to go see my counselor so they were talking to me and I'm like

listen guys it's all great that you're from Brooklyn or wherever the fuck you're from but I gotta go see my counselor. I'll see you when I get back. And I went to see my counselor and he was supposed to be like, they said, wait outside his door

and he'll let you know when to come in. I don't know what the fuck is going on. So I'm just standing outside his door and he finally opens the door and he comes out and he goes, who are you? And I go, I'm just standing outside his door and he finally opens the door and he comes out and he goes who are you and I go I'm Joey Diaz Jose Diaz I'm here to

you're my counselor and he goes good I've been waiting for you we walk in his office he sits down and he goes let me tell you how this starts I don't like fixing niggas whoa so right off the bat,

he's like, I don't like sprixing niggas, and I'm not too crazy about Jews. And you fall into one of those categories, so you're not one of my favorites. You come and see me once a week? Yeah! He's like, you come and see me once a week?

You tell me what's going on. And we'll be cool. The first time you get a write-up or a drug test, I send you back to Ordway. Any questions? Get out. And I said, I was walking out. He goes, have you ever had, what's that shit that if you cough, not gangrene,

tuberculosis, something. He asked me something. He goes, you ever had TB? I go, do I look like I have TB? He goes, good. Go see the kitchen. They needed somebody in the kitchen to work. Go see Mr. If you've never had TB. Now, usually people prep you. They'll tell you like, oh, by the way, if they ask you if you have TB, say no, because if not, they'll make you work in the kitchen. Nobody told me about that one.

So I was like, no, I never had TB. So they go see the kitchen guy. He's looking for help. So the kitchen guy was a black dude, maybe 6'6", 310 pounds, retired fucking Marine, whatever he was. He was retired from the service.

This guy did not mess around. His name is Mr. Yarborough. Big brother. Big burly brother. Looked like the coach of Georgetown. Remember the old coach of Georgetown? He looked just like that. Just like that dude.

I loved that. I loved that motherfucker. He used to coach Patrick Ewing. I loved that motherfucker. I can't even believe I can't remember. John Thompson? What the fuck's his name? Yes, John Thompson.

So Mr. Yarborough says to me, John Thompson? What the fuck's his name? Yes, John Thompson. Mr. Yarbrough says to me, I go in there, and I had my file, my paperwork in my hand that the counselor gave me. He goes, give this to the kitchen guy. So I gave it to him, and he looks at it, and he goes, Jose Diaz.

He goes, you look like a baker because you look like a baker. Because you look Italian. What nationality are you? I go, I'm Cuban, sir. He goes, cabano. That's good. You people put good seasonings in the food.

He goes, I want you to be my baker. He goes, have you ever baked before? I go, never. He goes, well, there's instructions there. Your first job is cinnamon muffins. I can't believe that you're in prison on kidnapping charges and you're about to make

cinnamon muffins. So, Joe, you are one of a kind, man. There ain't nobody like you. So there's another kid. There's another kid who got there with me who he also made a baker. And this kid and me became tight.

He was a white kid. He came from a good family. And he went out and got drunk one night and killed two old people. This kid, this kid was like, who can I compare him to? Like,

just think of somebody that never. Yes. And just like Steve Simone made a mistake, made one mistake. He was a college kid. I'll never forget him because he was so scared. And I had to, like, hold him and tell him, you're going to be fine. Nobody's going to mess with you.

We're in the kitchen now, you know. And we both got sentenced, like, around the same time. We both ended up in the kitchen. And he knew a little more than me about bacon. That's all I know. And I was a little older than he was. He was a real college kid.

And we were making the cinnamon we had to get to the next morning at like four. And we're like reading that stuff and we're mixing, you you know they have all this industrial type shit so i don't know how to make fucking muffins whatever they said four to two inch thing and you put it with a swirl so i'm like those things look fucking like little midget

muffins i'm not giving out those if i'm'm going to bake, I'm going to bake right cinnamon muffins. So I made these big fucking flying saucer things and I started putting them in the oven. He's over here with the Cinnabon fucking box. Oh yeah. I'm over there trying to be Cinnabon.

And whatever it called for, I added extra. Like whatever flour, I added extra. Like whatever flour, put an extra pinch in there. Sugar, put an extra sugar in there. I like fucking baking soda. I just put extra everything. And next thing you know, the fucking, me and the guy at Bullshit were waiting for the first batch to come out.

And one of the cooks was a black guy. His name was Chicken Hawk. His real name was. I love the nickname. His real name was Spencer Antoine. I loved him. I loved him since day one. He was a black dude that had a James Brown haircut, but his eye used to wander.

And he really was crazy. He took a liking to me. He's like, what the fuck is burning? And I go, I don't smell nothing burning. He goes, what the fuck is wrong with you, boy? Something's on fire over there. And sure enough, the oven was...

over there. Sure enough, the oven was... You're like, setting a fire in the prison kitchen, dude. You're too much. I'm going to tell you something. If there's something black people hate, it's fucking fire. I thought you were going to

say burnt food. Let me tell you something. Black people hate fire. Just from a natural. They just lose their mind when there's a fire, black people. It's in their DNA. I love you to death,

African-Americans, but you light a fire on an African-American, they'll run fucking quicker than the KKKs for chasing. These brothers, these brothers. Just set me up. Brothers

don't like fire. They were, they were, they were pissed off. The oven's on fire. All the kitchen work is... There was no Mexicans in jail at that time that were in the kitchen.

It was us. It was us two white guys and everybody else is African American in this kitchen. And they run out. They don't like fire. They run the fuck out. So white boy, the college kid actually picked up one of those fucking fire

things, you know, with the dust. And he's over there like fucking hitting them with dust. And finally the fire went down. The muffins were burnt. Half the oven was burnt. Mr. Yarbrough came in. He's like, Mr.

Jose Diaz, obviously I made a mistake. I thought you Mr. Yarbrough came in and he's like Mr. Jose Diaz obviously I made a mistake I thought you Italians were experienced I told you I wasn't Italian I told you I was Cuban he goes I thought you were messing with me I wasn't messing with you

I don't know how to bake so don't make me a fucking baker so he fired me and the white boy he goes you guys are fired so he goes bake, right? So don't make me a fucking baker. So he fired me and the white boy. He goes, you guys are fired. So he goes, I take that back. That's the only kind of fire he's all right with.

Right. He fired me. He got fired for fucking setting the kitchen on fire. Black people hate fires, right? Ridiculous. black people hate fives right so it made them skittish you know kind of trusting and not trusting

but then he realized that we were the good kids me and this other guy so he goes I got a position that opened up that you guys would be perfect for when he used to have a driver's license and the other guy he murdered two people he got no license he's not even allowed to go on a scooter

and fucking I had a license believe it or not I had a license so he goes okay I got a job for you guys he goes you're gonna I'm gonna be the stock clerk. So I'm in charge of ordering food, making sure that everything is stocked well, vegetables, milk, rice, meat, potatoes.

The other guy was in charge of the lunch for the fucking guys that go out and pick up trash on the road. So he was in charge of making their sandwiches and finishing and doing the bags. I would help them some mornings. And I also got in charge

of driving the sandwiches to the guys. Oh, so you'd be like their Uber? Nah, you delivered the food to the highway workers. Oh, my God. You know what's so funny? All these years I've seen those guys on the highway, and never once have I thought, what do they do for lunch,

or how do they get lunch? And that's what happens. You drove them lunch. They probably love seeing your ass. It was a dirty lunch. It was like a salami and cheese sandwich. An apple, a thing of milk, maybe a

bag of chips. But you got to also remember here's a lesson for people at home those guys that are cleaning the roads they're also picking up drugs because they find out no

they find out the night before where they're going and they'll call out and go Ryan Sickler do me a favor tomorrow I'm gonna be working on the corner of Colfax and Riverside. Hide something somewhere and let me know where you hide it in the morning. I'll call you in an hour. And you would say there's a little bush I put in the bag next to a beer can.

Pick up the bag and throw it in the garbage and make believe that there's an ounce of Coke in there or an eight ball of Coke. That's how drugs go into the prison. A lot of drugs go in through, you know, guards, but 50% of the drugs go in through those street crews. You pay off the guards. That much? So they don't search you.

That much? Yeah. There's a bag of coke at mile marker six. I love the criminal mind. That's why whenever you're making a U-turn and you see something weird, stop the car and pick it up. You don't know what it could be.

You could end up like Tony Blondetto in The Sopranos when he found that bag full of money with crack yeah you found like 300 that was the same fucking thing that was for somebody yeah so i did and it was it you know i think about that time my time in that place i was in that place from september to february all right let me ask you this because I want to know this. You're obviously in there with people who've killed people, you've said. Who's the baddest motherfucker you saw in that prison?

Who was the guy that you just did not fuck with? Was there one of those guys? And also, did you ever get tested? Those are things I want to know. There was's a guy the two things that happened to me there were great because when i first got in there i was pretty much independent but i had the kitchen crew behind me and they were all african-american the leader of that crew his his name was Chicken Hawk. Okay.

Antoine Spencer. He was in there for involuntary murder, like involuntary homicide, where you pull out a knife and I pull out a knife and you go to stab me first and I stab you. So it was like a questioning type murder. Yeah. He stabbed the guy three times or whatever. He was a tough guy.

Like his rap sheet, he had done 16 years. He was going home now, you know. The bikers had a halfway tough guy. That at the time, I forget what his name is, but I'll remember it by the end of this podcast. Real wrinkly face, you know, pug nose guy.

He had a reputation as a hard hitter. There was a couple of bikers that ran in that day. They weren't the white guys that hate. There was a couple of those guys, but the baddest guy in that system when I was in there was a white guy by the name of John Clark. He really had a couple of murders. He was just ending a big stretch. six.

He had to be about 42. And he had spent like the last 20 in jail for heisting a bunch of guys and shit like down the street. He had come from Philly. And he befriended me. We became friends. So I had coverage from him. I had coverage with the brothers. And that's all the coverage I needed.

There was a couple Mexicans I was friends with that they ran by themselves. But that was the strength. My best friend in prison was a crip. Okay. Was a big-time crip. We became really good friends. And my other good friend in prison was a blood. So we became really good friends.

So we, because I was in the middle of it, those two guys spoke. They were both interesting guys. The one guy's sister was just running in the Olympics, the 88 Olympics. No shit. She was the really popular

black woman, African-American woman. Was that her? One of those. Black woman, African-American woman. Is that Jackie Joyner? Was that her? One of those. There was two of those sisters. Yes. One of those was her brother. Okay.

And the crip, his name was Tore. And he was my fucking brother in there. Like me and him were together 24-7. We worked in the kitchen together. We ate together. He had seven girlfriends. And he would schedule the visitations, all of them,

from Monday and Tuesday. You think I'm fucking kidding? They were to come. He was the head of moving cocaine from LA to Colorado. That was his primary job

for the Crips. He was loaded with money. Loaded. He had seven women and each of them, all of them were driving hot cars and all those cars were his. He had kids with all of them. He was my age. He was a millionaire. And he would he would make all his women bring him Nutter Butters. So at night, him and I would eat Nutter Butters like a motherfucker

he loved Nutter Butters that brother loved Nutter Butters and he was beautiful he looked like Michael B. Jackson the guy that played him Rocky that's who he looked like Michael B. Jordan he looked just like Michael B. Jordan

just all ripped up and gorgeous. And we became... And we used to laugh. I used to make him laugh. He was just... At night, we'd watch TV. He got a TV in his room. We all had little black and white TVs. But his room, we had

speakers he rigged up and stuff. So I had... My strength came from running the stock because I had my own independent stock shed about a half a mile away from the institution so I could hide stuff for prisoners. So when the dogs would come, they would never bring them out to that shed.

So once a month, dogs came to the sheds, and they would find syringes and stuff. But if you hid your stuff by me, the dogs wouldn't come out there. So what I started doing was I wouldn't hide nothing in the shed with the food and the freezer. I would hide stuff outside the property where the cameras wouldn't see.

So I would hide like heroin syringes, heroin, steroids, cash. If you wanted to hide your cash, because you weren't supposed to have over $20 on you. So I had cash in there also that I used to hide because I hooked up with a little chubby Italian guy. He was a gangster from one of the families. He was on a tail end up too.

And what he did was he ran a pool thing. So he did it for college football, pro football, and Monday night football. You know those pools that you run? Like 50 cents wins you like 20 bucks. So

it was just such a great... I became partners with him. I said to him, because he used to cook every night. He was the jailhouse cook. He made nachos every night. He made hot dogs. He made hot dogs with the buns already around them. what do you call those

little pork in the blanket yeah he would he would take an iron and you take the guts out of it and you put it in a fucking bowl with a piece of cheese

and that's how you melt the cheese you stir it. So he would start making green chilies like in the morning at six with cheese. And by eight o'clock, there'd be 20 motherfuckers standing outside his army barracks waiting to buy nachos to watch TV. So it was a big mess. It was hilarious. I mean, you're making presents sound all right. Yeah, for real. So I told him, I said, I said, listen, you're making it sound all right. Yeah, for real.

So I told him, I said, I said, listen, you're only gambling and you're only getting through to a couple of white guys. If you let me be partners with you, I'll get the black guys involved.

I get the Spanish guys involved. And that's exactly what happened. So I doubled his action. I went from him doing one card per game to three cards per game. Forget about Sundays. I would have them on every game. So we were splitting the profits. So I think we'd make like eight bucks per card each.

So I was making like three cards a night, $24. Plus, I made $1. 40 an hour in the prison. I was living like a doctor, you know what I'm saying? I was moving from town to town like Segura, you know what I'm saying? Oh, shit, dude. I was moving every

three weeks like Tom Segura. And then you're stashing this cash and steroids and all this that's funneling into you. You're hiding it off property, out of camera. And then they come to you to get sort of the general store almost to get their shit? Is that how it works? to get sort of the general store almost to get their shit? Is that how it works? So they would come to me to get the hide stuff for them.

So I knew what was really going on behind the scenes there. I knew, like John Clark, that dude, his girlfriend would come on Mondays, and he would make out with her, and she would pass a a balloon on to him and he would put it in his mouth. And that balloon was filled with speed meth at the time. So we would go back to his barracks and we do a line of peace. And then we go to a bad Mondays. You were allowed to go to the basketball court in the high school close by and play basketball.

Me and him would go in there on speed and just go fucking off in there on Monday. I wouldn't sleep till Wednesday. Every week. And they're not piss testing you guys? They would do surprise piss tests, but they couldn't catch certain things. They weren't going to run a spectrum

on you. They were going to test you for what, what drug you came back. You went to prison for with me, it was cocaine. So they would always test me for cocaine, you know? So I did even like the holidays didn't bother me in there. Like I thought I was going to have a real hard holiday in there. The holidays were fucking great, man. Number one.

I can't even believe what I'm hearing. It was one of the best Christmases I've had in my life. We gave each other presents and shit because we were allowed to go to the store every day. You had 20 minutes to walk to the store and come back.

All right. This is exactly like I had a laundry camp. It was a laundry camp, a minimum security facility for guys just like you right by me where I lived. It was on this mental institution property it was part of their acreage it was this back corner and every now and then you'd hear a siren because one guy would get out of there or whatever but i went and watched their softball team the dirty socks but we would see them every now and then they'd be at the corner store because they'd be allowed off the property and they'd have to go back so i'm i'm this is very much like what i

grew up near we'd see them over at the baseball field and'd have to go back so i'm i'm this is very much like what i grew up near we'd see him over at the baseball field and shit fucking around or whatever so this is interesting to me this is what's going on with these guys in there huh let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor raycon i've been listening lately to podcasts i've been listening to ymh i'm listening to rogan i'm listening to two bears one cave I'm listening to Rogan. I'm listening to Two Bears, One Cave. I'm listening to Josh Potter's new podcast, as a matter of fact, all on my Raycons and my Spotify music. And if you're using a pair of premium wireless earbuds, especially if you can get them at less than half the price of the other guys, I'm recommending the wireless earbuds from Raycon. I've used them to travel, work out everything. They stay in. They're good. The base

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fried rice and like you know shrimp fo young, egg foo young or something. And I would get there, the food would be ready. I'd run into the bodega, get two things of Coca-Cola, and I'd run back. So I was eating Chinese food in jail. It wasn't the best Chinese food in the world, but at least it gave me a little bit of normality. Me and Torrey Piles, we loved the pork fried rice in that place. And he loved the chicken wings. So I would get him the fried chicken wings.

So sometimes I would run over and get fried rice. And then Toray would go over and buy like 300 fucking chicken wings. Like there was like six wings for $3.95. He would get like 50 wings. The prison

didn't know what he had in that bag. It was great. There was no liquor store around there. So they really wouldn't look in your bag. And you could see the store from the guardhouse. So you could see if somebody met you for drugs.

So they really didn't watch. I remember the first time I walked back with Chinese food. The guard was like, I've been here for fucking 10 years. Nobody has ever brought back Chinese food. How did you do it? And I go, I planned ahead. I called in for 10 minutes before I could get over there. So it actually sat for 10 minutes before I could get there.

But there was, AIDS was big then. AIDS, people didn't know how to handle AIDS. So they built a special barracks for the guys who had HIV. And they only had three or four guys who had HIV. I could still see their faces. That's how much I hung out in the HIV unit. Because the HIV unit had a brand new TV, brand new refrigerators, brand new stoves. They could cook their own food in there.

So we all figured out a way how to bring food in, cook for the HIV guys, and they would let us hang in that thing. They weren't, none of them, or they were hiv because they were intravenous users you know i think one guy was a gay but nobody ever gave him a hard time he was just one of the guys you know and we'd i remember sunday nights going over there and watching married with children and cops that was our shit yeah cops on You lived all week for cops on Sunday night. You lived for cops. But something interesting happened to me in there. And this is where everything changed for me.

Since the minute I got in there, people would always ask me, hey, did you get your paperwork from the first portion, I called it, the first two weeks before you went to prison? Before I went to the camp, I went to that place. Do you remember what I called it? The first two weeks, whatever it was. I can't remember. You're getting double time. You're getting double time out there. No, that's county. Oh, when you got

into, yeah. What did you call it? It's called something because when you go there, that's where they determine how many points you have. I don't remember what you called it. Where you're eligible to go to whether you have a driver's license

whether you had a job at the time of your arrest whether you had a high school diploma all these things counted towards where you were going to go if you had over three points you would go to

a minimum security prison you know how many points I you would go to a minimum security prison. You know how many points I had? Minus one and a half. How? How did you lose points? So I was eligible. I was eligible for a halfway house right

off the bat. I was eligible for a halfway house right off the bat. I was eligible for a halfway house right off the bat. Remember, my sentence was 48 months, but there was a house bill, House Bill 1200, 1204, 1200, that if you were a first-time offender and your sentence, not what you were arrested for, what you got convicted of was nonviolence, your sentence would be cut in half. So what I did was one of the guys got out. He was the law house clerk.

So for three or four weeks, I studied really hard. I got a book, and I studied all the laws and I took a test. And guess what? I became a law time. So I was the stock clerk. I was the fucking the guy who drove the sandwiches. And now I was also the attorney at the prison. So when somebody got a write up, I would argue with the guards and get there.

You're like basically the shop steward of the union for the prison. Right. So I became that guy. Wow, you're the representative? So I became that guy and I fucking won every case. Did you win them all?

Oh, I won them all. Dirty, clean. Whether I got to them on the side and talk to them, you know, I would tell, I would talk to the guy who wrote the fucking report and nail him down a little bit and throw them off. And, you know, I got, I had a good relationship with a lot of those guys. There was some guys that were just douchebags, but a lot of them,

they were human beings. And I knew how to tap into that side. You know what I'm saying? So they were okay with me. But the guy, I never won over. I won him over slowly. The guidance counselor I had, Mr. Blue. I was about to ask, the one that didn't like anybody. So I got there probably the beginning of September.

But by November, I had softened them up. By November, I had softened up the whole place. I'm not going to look you in the eye and tell you I was running the place. But off the record, I kind of was. Because I was running the gambling. I knew where all the dealers were. I knew where they were hiding their stash. I didn't mess with their stash. I was always respectful. I charged them a nice amount. I was fair. I also told them what food

to eat and what not to eat, which they really appreciated. If I knew a guy was a bodybuilder, I got him extra milk. And I give him the nice cuts of meat so he could cook them on his own. I learned how to, you know what I'm saying? I learned how to take care of people. So now people took care of me. You know, I did it on the Rogan podcast once. If the food, if they would serve you shit on shingles, what is that called?

Did you ever hear that expression? It's corn. Yeah. Shit on a shingle. Yeah. Like hash or whatever. Yeah. Not corned beef hash.

It's called beef something. But what it's called in the army and all that stuff is shit on shingles. Yeah, my dad taught me that from the military. Yeah, shit on shingles. So shit on shingles, whenever they served that, I would sit behind the line of the food, and it would be like Chicken Hawk would be serving, Etchy, this is a tall skinny brother

6'3 he was like a junior at one of the colleges wide receiver Michael Irvin looking all American he went out to a bar he went out to a bar and punched some guy and the guy died in the hospital

that's why you gotta be careful with your hands so you had Etchy and then next to Etchy on the line in the hospital. That's why you got to be careful with your hands. Yeah. So you had Etchie. And then next to Etchie on the line was this other dude, and he was a bank robber. All right? He was a professional bank robber.

And him and his brothers were all bank robbers. They were black. They were African-American. But he was funny because his job in the kitchen was part-time. He only worked the night shift. But the day shift, he would be there for lunch. And it would be a smaller crowd because the other

half was out working, picking up papers. So he would always come up to me and go, Cuba, Cuba, let me holler at you for a minute. And I would go, what? I go, what's up? They go, is Mr. Yardbrough going to be in the kitchen at lunchtime? I go, sometimes he's in there, sometimes he's in the stock room

double-check checking my work and he goes listen here brother he goes listen I gotta work on my freezes and I'm like what are you talking about he goes man I'm gonna be free in about 90 days and I gotta work on my freezes and shit

because if not my shit is weak he goes one time my brother had the flu and he went to rob a bank and he tried to yell freeze and his shit cracked so people didn't pay attention. You got to keep your freeze. He wants to go in there to practice hollering freeze

with command. His brother had to yell freeze a second time. He goes, the way you yell freeze is very important because it's got to be a word. It's got to come out of your throat. It's got to come out of your throat. People react to it.

I got to practice my freezes and shit. I said, all right. Come into the kitchen. So sure enough, he'd wait until everybody was online. They all had their plates in their hands. And he would jump in the back door with an imaginary shotgun and go, freeze, motherfuckers!

Yeah, like... Nah, that didn't really... Let me do this again. He's coaching himself out. Oh my God. And they would go... Oh God. I don't want to tell you what the black guys would say, though. The black people

offended them the most. The black people offend them the most. The black people are so offended by the African-Americans would yell at them and say, what the hell's the matter with you, man? Get your shit together, brother. Come on, man. Grow up. And he'd be like, what? I got to keep my freeze game tight.

He was dead serious. His freeze game had Let me tell you. You have no idea how much I laughed in there. But then I'm either Wednesday or Thursday night was movie night. And they would play the worst movies in the world. Just the best. What are you getting? Like, you know,

fucking, what's the movie, what's the greatest movie of all time? Like, black and white. Like, shit like that. Like, black and white. Stuff that African Americans and convicts don't want to see that shit they want to see the Terminator they want to see

Rambo black people love Rambo do not ever get confused hate fire love Rambo they love Rambo they only hate listen black people only hate fire

if it's going to them. They love it. Shout out to people. They go crazy. They love it. They love it. So for me going off in the kitchen, because I would go off on the kitchen. When they would come in and there was bad food, I would go, don't do it.

That's all I would do for minutes at a time. I would just go, don't do it. Don't do it. Mr. Yarbrough would look at me and go, Jose Diaz, why do you keep saying don't do it. Don't do it. Mr. Yarbrough, look at me, goes, Jose Diaz, why do you keep saying don't do it for? They won't eat my food. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying don't do it

just for me thinking. It's a thing I use to stop being a criminal. So he's like, I know you're lying to me, boy. How come nobody's eating my beef? How come nobody's eating the chicken today? He would always attack me if I would say don't do it or whatever. And I would always go off on it.

Mr. Yarbrough, relax, man. What's the big problem? Look at that shit. Would you eat that? I don't see you eating it, Mr. Yarbrough. So all those kitchen guys saw that. So on Wednesday night or Thursday night was projector night.

We would watch those stupid movies, PT 109 and shit like that. Like a bunch of black and white movies. And the projector would always break. So one day I just got up and I'm like, I'm sick and tired of this thing. The state's got so much money. When are you going to get a new fucking projector? And all the guys were like give it to him Cuba that's a boy give it to him

and that's how it started and there was like an African American dude that was one of those red dudes that had freckles and we would goof on him he was a great guy he would let us we would call him freckles and shit and they would all get up and say you know

Cuba get up there. Whenever the projector would break. That's what happened. The projector would break. The film would break. And people would go, Cuba, get up there. Get up there. Get up there and talk.

Tell us about the week. And I would go, what do you think about fucking that, Chief? Fucking giving you mashed potatoes with no butter. he'd go fuck you motherfucker and i go off so it started like a weekly thing they would say go on go up there and do 10 minutes and i would go up and do calm i was i i didn't know i was doing comedy so wait yeah i want to i want to is this the first time you'd ever really got up and performed in front of a crowd at all? It was in prison? There wasn't a stage.

There wasn't a microphone. There wasn't nothing. But you're just up there talking to these guys. Talking to these guys. But you remember what I told you on the podcast we did on the church? No. guys but you remember what i told you on the podcast we did on the church no about the guy that i worked with at subaru that didn't like me me and him had gotten into an argument and one day he came up to me and he goes i don't know if you know what i did before i came to work here he goes i worked in las Las Vegas in the entertainment business.

And he goes, between you and me, I think you should get into stand-up comedy. His name was Grant Fusemit. And I remember looking at him going, you know what, you're a fucking asshole. But I remember going home and just thinking about that, that maybe I was a comic.

So now here I am eight months later, and I'm actually doing comedy in a weird sort of way, but it's not registering. Busting balls. Yeah, it's not registering with me. Yeah, it's not registering with me. One day, the counselor, my counselor saw me doing that one night. It was one night a month. He stayed there late. And this was this particular night.

And it was probably like a November night. It was after Thanksgiving going into Christmas. I remember like it was probably like a November night. It was after Thanksgiving going into Christmas. I remember like it was yesterday because I was walking out, and for weeks I would bust his balls about the report from Diagnostic. That's what it was. Diagnostic. Thank you. I was so focused on you said remember the guy that showed you the pictures of the girlfriend in the bikini, and I

haven't wanted to forget that. This is horrible to think of, but you have to think about it from this perspective. I kept asking him, yo, tell me what's on my diagnostic report. Tell me what's on my diagnostic

report. He would look me in the face and go, you don't really want to hear what's on your diagnostic report because you couldn't handle it anyway. And I kept busting his balls, busting his balls, busting his balls. And one of those nights that I went off,

I caught him and I'm like, just off adrenaline. I got in his face a little bit. I go, what are you going to tell me? What's on that report? And he goes, you really want to know? And I go, yeah, I really want to know. And he goes, come with me. And he went in his office and he fucking went in his

desk and he pulled out a file and he threw it on the table and he goes, you want me to fucking tell you what it says? He goes, I'll tell you what it says? He goes, I'll tell you what it says. And they started reading the psychological shit. And he goes, he took off his glasses and he goes,

in other words, what this says to me is that you're a deadly individual. It says that if you want something that I have, It says that if you want something that I have, you will do anything that it takes to get that thing. So a person should just give you whatever you want. So from now on, when you want something, just ask for it. Because if not, you're just going to take it from them anyway. And I remember looking at him going, thank you for telling me I'm just a piece of shit thief. I appreciate that.

And he looked at me and he goes, I told you you weren't going to be able to handle it. I didn't talk to him for like three weeks after that. That blew all that fun I had, all fun. I was having came to an end because I realized that I was in prison and I realized I was a piece of shit that I was just going to end up a fucking thief. So I would see him and I wouldn't even go to his meetings anymore. I was getting out of there in February. Anyway,

it didn't really matter. So one day I was walking in the daytime and he saw me and he goes what happened you lost your balls ever since I told you the truth and I go no I just don't want to hear that shit

I'm just a fucking thief he goes come here for a second he goes you obviously didn't understand what I was saying to you. And I go, what were you saying? I'm a thief. He goes, no, I'm telling you that you're a deadly individual because whatever you want in this life, you can get it. He goes, you're running this Chuck and jive nickel and dime shit

he goes you don't think I know about it he goes you're a fucking genius compared to these guys he goes I don't think you understand how dangerous you are that if you want something it's yours you could just take it you know and that resonated with me like

it just destroyed me because he was right. He was right. You know? And then I had a system. I didn't work an eight-hour day. I went in at eight. Of course you did. You know me, dog.

I worked like a two-hour day. Two hours. I went in. I basically went in the morning, made sure the guys had their shit. If you know anything about me, I'm well prepared. They had their shit the night before. They're early. You're there early.

And then the truck would be filled already with the sandwiches. I would help him out. I would go through the gate. A guard would get in with me. We'd drive together. We'd talk shit. We'd drive. They'd take the sandwiches out. We'd go back to the fucking thing.

It'd be 9 o'clock by then. And then I would shoot straight to the library. And the library was a white dude that looked like Josh Potter. And he was from Buffalo. He was also from Buffalo. He was in

there for double murder. He murdered his wife and the mailman which made it a federal offense. They were fucking. I should laugh. That's what made it. Is that true?

I lied. I lied. A federal offense. So that's what made it. Is that true? Really? A lot. Yeah. But he was like Josh Potter. And he was very intellectual. He was very smart. He wore glasses. He rolled his own cigarettes. And I had maybe three weeks left. He wore glasses. He rolled his own cigarettes.

And I had maybe three weeks left. And one day I went in there and he gave me a black notebook. You know, the black and white notebooks, the regular ones where you put your name, your grade and your address. He gave me one of those with a pen. And he goes, that's a notebook for you so you can write your jokes. I go, I don't write jokes. He goes, wait a second. Whenever you go up there on Wednesday nights, that's just you talking?

I go, yeah, I guess. I don't have time to write jokes. I've never written a joke in my life. He goes, so you don't sit down during the weekend? Well, you see me. I'm in here reading sports and arguing because I would go in there and it would be me, him, and Chicken Hawk. Chicken Hawk was in there for involuntary murder

and he was African American but he was well-spoken and intelligent as fuck. So we'd go in there and just talk about whatever was in the newspaper. It was like three convicts talking about the world's events and shit. And I learned a lot from those two guys. Those two guys were fucking a lot smarter than I was, you know. And he gave me the notebook and he goes, listen,

I'm going to be out of this hole in two years. If when I get out, you're not a stand-up comic, I'm going to hunt you down and kill you. I would take that as a serious threat. So, you know, I went back to the

Mr. Blue, and I apologize for my behavior. And a few on January 20th, 1989, my case went back up in front of the, uh,

there was a president who got inaugurated that day. January 20th, 1989. I forget what, I think it was Bush. One of the Bushes, maybe. You would have to be, right? Yeah. Double. Yeah, I went up in front of the...

No, no, no, no. No, senior, senior. What am I saying? Yeah, I went up in front of the board and they gave me community corrections. And I think by February 13th I was in BCTC the halfway house

in Boulder and that's a whole different story that's what we pick up next time from BCTC that was my whole prison experience so I had a really good time in prison and I prepared myself to go in like I lifted my whole prison experience. So I had a really good time in prison.

And I prepared myself to go in. Like I lifted weights. I swam. I rode a bike. I knew what things I was going to do and what I wasn't going to do. And the experience was completely different from what I thought it was going to be. Like when I came out of prison, it was completely different than what I thought I was going to be. Like when I came out of prison, it was completely different than what I thought I was going to be.

I didn't see anybody get raped. And yes, there was one guy that did mess with me. He was a young guy that hung out in the biker crew. And whenever he was with his biker friends, he would make little comments at me. So I let my friends know what was going on and they said, whatever it is,

we got you back. So I had John Clark's crew, which they were Nazis, like little neo-Nazis. That's the other thing. John Clark was pretty much a neo-Nazi. He had like a swastika on his back. I figured that.

Yeah, I figured that. Yeah. I figured you don't survive in prison for 20-some years. You got to go drastic. Yeah. He loved me for who I was. We would talk about Cuba all the time. In fact, that's how we became tighter because the lady who raised him was Cuban.

His mother, his babysitter was Cuban. So he told me how much food, how much he liked the Cuban food. And that's how we became friends. And I remember snorting speed with him and seeing the SWAT sticker. So I had his support and I had the black guy's support. If I went to war with this biker. They told me exactly how to do it. They said, just get them one-on-one. Don't involve the bikers.

And one day we were listening to Guns N' Roses had just come out. Remember, I got sentenced as sweet child of mine had taken over the world. So now it's November of 88. November of 88. November rain.

And Guns N' Roses is everywhere. That first album is huge. And I remember getting into an argument with one of the bikers about Mr. Brownstone. It was about heroin. He goes, it's not about heroin. And I go, it's about heroin. And that's when that kid started to argue with me.

What do you know? You hang out with blacks and all that i'm like oh you dumb motherfucker so the first thing i did to him was he would torture me a little bit i knew i could fuck him up but in his clique i would i would get killed if i ever got caught in his area of the yard, I would get killed. Because there were like two guys in that crew that I didn't really like. The leader, obviously, I told you I couldn't remember what his dog, raw dog or something like that was his name.

He was a disgusting guy. And him, I didn't like. The long-haired guy. So I knew I had to take him out eventually at some point. But I also knew that I had a secret weapon that he didn't have, which is the mind of Joey Diaz. I'm going to fucking break you down mentally, motherfucker. So he had a job in the kitchen.

So I didn't torture him in the kitchen. I left the kitchen alone because I could just fuck him up in the kitchen. So I didn't torture him in the kitchen. I left the kitchen alone because I could just fuck him up in the kitchen. It would be easy with the blacks around me and nothing would happen. The black dudes would help me. What I did was I took an American cheese box. You know the

cheese the government sends you? I took the box. I took the cheese out and I took the shit in that box. I took the box. I took the cheese out. And I took a shit in that box. I took the biggest shit you've ever seen in your life. It had to be like a 19-inch shit that broke together. I took paper towels and I put it in the box. And then I took a little, they had like little American flags in the workshop. I took a little work and I put it in the piece of shit

and I covered the box and I put it in his drawer and I put his clothes over it. And every day he would stop us on the way and he'd go, does anybody else know shit? And we would go, nah, I don't know nothing. And he goes, I swear to God I

know shit somewhere. This went on for like a month. I was just taking American shit And he goes, I swear to God, I smell shit somewhere. This went on for like a month. I was just taking American shit boxes, taking shit from them. And then I would put them in a ceiling. He had ceiling tile that you could pick up. Every other ceiling tile had a box with a piece of shit in it. And eventually, one day, he found the one in the drawer. And it had gone from

19 inches to about 6 1⁄2. All the moisture had gotten out of it. It was just down to peanuts and a couple clusters of hair and whatever the fuck. A couple corn clusters and shit. Dog, he flew out of there.

He's like,'s like somebody's messing with me I'm gonna find out who it is and fuck him up and all this stuff but there was a gym area and the gym area was a room that was next to the laundry room and they had a billboard

up in that room about jobs or events or situations or programs you could get into or whatever. And one Saturday, I'm working in the kitchen and I see him by himself walking into that area to drop off

his laundry. I go, this is when I get this motherfucker today. I remember it was cold out. So it had to be like January, February, December, but the sun was out. It was a really pretty day, but it was cold. So I waited for him to go back and get his clothes. And I told the black guys,

the only people who would hang out in the gym were the black dudes that would play dominoes. So there was a bunch of guys playing bones and they would listen to Bobby Brown's Don't Be Cruel. Don't be, don't be, I don't be. So they would fucking, when Bobby Brown would go up, the room would light up and they would throw the fucking bones. It was great. But in the daytime, they didn't play. It was just a couple of brothers that would lift weights. So I waited till the guy went in and I went to the side door and brother,

I caught him as he was taking the clothes from the dryer, from the washer and putting it in the dryer. I just stood behind him. And the wall next to us had the billboard on it with all the events that are going to happen. He fucking turned around and I was right there on him. I go, you still got that problem with me?

And before he could even say anything, I grabbed my hand in between his hair. And I, that's why I've never liked long hair. And I grabbed his hair. I locked him in like a... I didn't know anything about Muay Thai. It was really like holding somebody doing Muay Thai, holding their neck

and kneeing them. I didn't even know that stuff. I just did it with his hair. I grabbed his hair and I dragged him over and I banged his head off that billboard possibly 20 times like that was that was

the only bad thing I did in there I banged his fucking head like 20 fucking times I mean boom boom boom boom he went down. He woke up. He never said nothing again. And he was three doors down from me. We were

in the same bunk because we both worked in the kitchen. He never said a fucking word. He knew I told him. I would bang his head. The next time, me and John Clark would fucking kill you. So don't ever speak up around me again,

because he would always throw little remarks and shit. After that, when he would see me, he wouldn't say two fucking words. I still remember this kid, what he looked like. He was a white kid with long hair and big retarded lips. He just wasn't even normal. That fucking poor retard wasn't even normal. They were probably giving him fucking transgender pills or something at the time. The poor bastard.

But that's it. Wait, hold on. That's not it because I have two quick questions. You said about the dude showing you the bikini pictures of his girlfriend. You said, hold on to that and remember that for later. Why? Does that come back? Okay. teeny pictures of his girlfriend. You said, hold on to that and remember that for later. Why? What is that? Come back.

Okay. So I get to the halfway house. I'm working in Boulder, Toyota. No, I'm working as a detailer. And I get out of the halfway house. My child is born. And I hear Boulder, the city of Boulder is on alert

because a guy escaped from prison in Canyon City, and he was headed to Boulder to get his girlfriend. It was that idiot. Damn. From Summit County that had broken out. So what he basically did was he broke out of jail because she let him know

that she was sleeping with his roommate. Yeah. Who didn't see that coming? sleeping with his roommate. Yeah. Who didn't see that coming? He got so crazy. I guess he did. He broke out of a medium security prison. Like, I won't tell you the story how he did it because I don't remember. And I would just be lying anyway.

All I do know is he broke out of that medium security prison, stole a car, went to Boulder. He went to, I think it was somewhere off of Lee Hill Road. And he said he saw four kids target practicing, shooting guns. So he went up to them with a fake wallet. And he goes, I'm a wildlife guy. Put your pistols down. I want to see identifications. The kids put their weapons down.

He picked up the weapons and shot the four kids and took their guns and went into Boulder. He went into Kmart, which I lived across the street from at the time. And he bought ammunition. They had proof of them.

So they locked the city of Boulder down. They knew they had a wild guy. I went home and it was on TV. I couldn't even tell my wife or anybody. I was in jail with them. Like I was in county fucking jail with this idiot. So I lived on 30th, close to baseline. I lived on 28th Street.

If you went to like 32nd Street in Boulder on your way to Longmont, there used to be a jazz club there, like a blues club. I don't know what the name of it was. It was 30 fucking years ago. This story I'm telling you happened in 1990 or even 91. Let's say, let's leave it at 1990. So this idiot broke out, shot the four kids, set up a meeting with his girlfriend Demeter at that blues club,

and got into a shootout with the cops. One of the cops shot him in the neck. There was a problem. The guy lived, but he needed surgery. Guess what the problem was? The only surgeon available was the father of one of the kids he shot. No. Fuck.

Did those kids die, by the way? All those kids die? Yeah, we can look it up. Oh, Jesus yeah we can look it up jesus we can look it up yeah i think two of them died two of them survived i think he refused to take care of the dude and the dude died or something weird happened they had to go to court something right now it doesn't i talked about on a podcast once how weird of a story that was that he the guy refused to operate

on the guy because he killed his son that afternoon so that's the world I saw man it's a fucking crazy world first of all thank you you know I love you and thank you for making time for this because I know as a parent,

I know what's going on in this world. I know. No, it's important. But I want to just wrap up. So when I listen again, I know. So where are we? February, excuse me, February 88. We're going to pick up March 88.

We're going to pick up. You're out of prison. No, we're going to pick up February of 89 when I get into the halfway house, BCTC. So you're going from prison into this halfway house. So now we're in the halfway

house for the first time. And this is the fun part. We're going to pick up February. This is when I put bleach pellets on my dick to pass the piss test. This is when I put bleach pellets on my dick to pass the piss test. This is all fun. All right. February 89.

So by now, Joey's Joint should have like two experimental podcasts out by now. We're just going to rough it the first couple of weeks until all the parts come together for our studio. And then we'll move into the studio. But for now, I'm just going to start a podcast right here with what you're saying with this face. And we're just going to do our thing until the wheels fall off. Well, I love you, brother. And thank you so much.

Thank you to all you people. You got it. We'll do this once a month. You know me, dog. I don't fuck around. Patreon.com slash Joey Diaz. Stay black, you bad motherfuckers. Don't forget Uncle Vinny's

Wednesday nights in October. 36 people, so you got to buy your tickets fast. That's all I got. Say hello to everybody, Ryan Sickler. I love you, cocksucker. I love you, too.

As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to youall next week.