The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joey Diaz - DiazDew

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Joey Diaz! (The Joint, The Many Saints of Newark) Joey Highlights the Lowlights of his life from 1999 to 2004! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Betterhelp - Get 10% off your first month at https://www.Betterhelp.com/HONEYDEW  Everlywell -Get 20% off an at-home lab test at https://www.Everlywell.com/HONEYDEW 

La Jolla, California. I'll be at the La Jolla Comedy Store August 5th through the 7th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'll be there August 18th through the 20th. Austin, Texas. I will be there September 2nd through the 3rd. Get your tickets for those shows and all shows on my website at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, RyanSickler.com.

Ryan Sickler on all your social media. And again, thank you for your support. If you're new here or if you've been here, I appreciate you. And make sure you're subscribed to the YouTube. Hit that subscribe, set a reminder so you get that episode video every Tuesday. Audio's on Monday. All right. If you got to have more, hit that Patreon. It's five bucks a month. If you sign up for a year, you get over a month free. You're getting a honey do a day early. You're getting an ad free, getting it at no additional cost. We've released, I think, 10 or 11 free episodes on this YouTube feed. So you can see what they're like. And they are the wildest fucking stories you'll ever hear in your life. I promise you that. If you or someone you know has a story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. And if I am in your town when you're home and I'm on tour, hit those tickets up for the Night Pants Nation tour on my website at ryansickler.com. Now, that's the biz. You guys know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers.

And ladies and gentlemen, one of my absolute favorite storytellers is back to continue his life story. Please welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. Joey Diaz, welcome back to the honeydew, brother. I love it. What's happening, Ryan Sickler? Everything is good, my friend. Everything is good. How do I look?

Do I have to fix the camera a little bit? No, you look great. You look great, brother. I love the background. But you look great. You look great, brother. I love the background. But you look healthy. You look good. I know you're back out there a little bit right now. Maybe that gave you a little shot of fucking adrenaline up in the arm.

You actually hit me up and said, hey, let's do another one. So I'm glad. I'm glad. I know you're feeling it. Good for you. And you say, you know, I wanted to say, I promised my daughter, I called you and I wanted to mention this. and you say you know i wanted to say i promised my daughter i called you and i wanted to mention this i'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and she's watching this cartoon called big city greens on disney love it right and i hear this and she's like dad come here and look at this guy

and she's like look at this trick he's doing he's he's uh swindling this guy and i'm watching it it's fucking you i go stop he's a great friend of mine that's joey diaz we watch the credits we call you oh she's she goes you're doing joey diaz today i go yeah i'm doing she's like can i listen i'm like you definitely can't listen no you can't love dog kids love that fucking show it's a great one my daughter loves it My daughter uses that as a whatever the fuck. The statue of me, she uses it as a fucking, I don't know, on a little. Yeah. Instagram avatar or whatever.

Yeah, I love it. It's great, dude. Good for you. Called me. They called me and they were like, you know, we want you to come down. I walked in. There was a bunch of people in there like reading roles. Fucking the guy from Sons of Anakin. It was great.

It really was great. And I got a lot of traction out of that role for the kids. That's awesome, dude. I love you. You got range, brother. You're getting killed on HBO, and you're getting resurrected on Disney+. I love it, brother. What's better than $200?

I told the kid, hey, kid, what's better than $100? He goes, what? I go, $200 than $200? What's better than, I told the kid, hey kid, what's better than $100? He goes, what? I go, $200. My daughter and I say it, dude. It's great,

man. So thank you for being back. Let's get into it, brother. We left off in 1999. You were in the basketball movie and you were stealing all their fucking rollerblades.

Rollerskates. There was no, by the the time the movie by the time i did my role which was a fucking line and a half there was no roller skates over size eight like everybody would had fucking ingrown toenails because they had to put on small fucking roller skates they couldn't figure it out but i'll tell you what happened after basketball, because when you hit me up with this, I wanted to tell the story because, listen, I was in L.A. for two years, and I was just a fucking, I was at the store.

I was, you know, making waves, but I really wasn't making waves. I was having the best time of my life doing Coke and being at the store and hanging out with Ralphie May. I mean, that was, if I was going to starve and struggle, that was the way to do it. You know? So for two years I had been in LA just, you know, finding my way. And can I ask you real quick is, is basketball your first movie role? First feature. It is.

First big feature. I did a couple of short films, whatever, but nothing with the magnitude of, you know, fucking people opening doors for you and people helping you with your shirt on and all that shit. That's a feature film,

you know? So after I shot that film, I had a plan for LA andA. And my plan was simple. I'm going to stay in L.A. till I fail, like miserably. And then I'm going to drive to Colorado, kill my ex-wife and a husband, and then go to New York and sell coke until they kill me. That was the fucking plan. That is a sad fucking plan. But at that time, I failed at so many things.

I was getting ready to fail. I thought I would steal a microphone or hit somebody in the head, and then it would be all over for me. Steal a bottle of booze. I was stupid like that for years. But when I got to L.A. and I got that role, I remember driving home from the comedy store one night and you know like i had to follow dom herrera at the comedy store i fucking hated because i couldn't follow him every time i had to follow dom it was the longest 15 minute drive ever to the store and it was one of those nights when i did well at the store and on the way home like i wasn't

doing coke that night i don't know what happened. Maybe the Colombians didn't show or whatever. I was sober. And I remember thinking to myself, Joey, you're on to something. You just figured out a way to follow Dom. I did really good behind Dom. And I got this fucking feature film. I don't feel like a criminal no more.

I had done some crazy stuff. These dudes owed me money for a bet I put in at the store. I put in like this $800 bet with no money at all. If I would have lost the bet, I would have had to deal with them at the store coming down there and threatening me. Well, I went over there, and I borrowed a gun from my ex-manager, and I went over there, and I got my $800. They didn't want and threatening me. Well, I went over there and I borrowed a gun from my ex-manager and I went over there and I got my 800.

They didn't want to pay me. They were like, oh, you have to leave a deposit and then we'll pay you 200. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, so I was doing a couple of things like that. I got in trouble at the store, like not in trouble. I had pushed a guy and we got into a fist fight and stuff.

At that time, I was known as a wild card. And I didn't think I would fucking make it. People were pulling Rogan aside and saying stuff to Rogan all the time. That kid's crazy. But that particular night, I was like, wait a second. I'm a criminal. I understand that. I'm an orphan.

I'm all these negative things. But I just followed Don don morera at the store after two years i figured out that fucking puzzle and i just booked the feature fucking film this is somebody who not thought they would never even book an extra role because i wasn't good enough inside i was like i'm garbage i'm never gonna book uh so when i booked that i pulled over and i remember thinking to myself where tell me because i know everywhere out here where'd you pull over i pulled over and fountain by the fucking gorky park by the russian park yeah now it's white people park but when i got to la it was a russian park people sold nickel bags down

there and shit that whole neighborhood was russian i lived. I lived off of Poinsettia for a little bit by Rock and Roll Ralphs. Oh yeah, we were all there at 98. Ralphie, me, Doug Stanhope, Mitch Hedberg, Nick DiPaolo, all of us lived in that Curson Vista area, Sierra Bonita.

So I remember just pulling over there and thinking to myself, I can't believe I'm doing this. Like I was, whoa, stop the presses. A fucking convicted felon who's basically a criminal just booked a feature motion picture. Okay, we're on to something. For the first time in my life, I've got the second base with something. So it really made me think of what was going on

at that time. I had a couple negatives. I was homeless. I had a fucking girlfriend that I loved with all my heart, but it was just a fucking problem being with her. It was a fucking problem being with her. I was with her

for five years and it was never fucking problem being with her. I was with her for five years and it was never fucking ending. And I loved her to death. She had good pussy. She would do things. She put bottles in her ass. You know, she did anything sexual that you asked, you know,

she was the real deal. I'm Godfather to her first son. After we broke up, I'm still friends with her I still call her and torment her you got an old pussy and all that shit but she had to go she had to go

the cocaine wasn't going anywhere that was accepted already but she had to go it was just too many fucking headaches i decided at that point josh wolf had given me a car did we talk about that already i think so was it the one about uh you guys all borrowed it and you you ran the shit out of it some old manager's car something i think it was yeah yeah 10 000 tickets and shit. Very sad, but that car got towed.

And it was a big joke that my apartment got towed because I lived in the car. Ralphie and all those guys, your apartment got towed. So they towed everything for me. And I was broken. This is one of those tests LA puts you through, and anybody who's watching this, you're all going to be put through this test.

Things are going really good in your career, but things are going horrible in your personal life. This happens, and you have to figure it the fuck out, because if not, you'll lose them both. You'll lose the career, and you'll lose whatever you got going on in your personal life. Whatever it is, a mom, a wife, a brother who's aggravating the fuck out of you. Once that car got towed, I was lost.

And I went to that girl's house. That's where it got towed, at her house. We had broken up. And I went up there to give her a stab and like three weeks later, sure enough, the bad luck from her ran into me and my car got. So I'm like,

now whatever thoughts I had a fucking, they're cemented. They're fucking cemented. You know, I got to get rid of. So about a month later, rid of her. So about a month later,

her and I would break up for a month and then we'd go back with each other. Then we'd break up, then we'd go back. She called me, we were going to get together, and I ended up buying like a fucking like a brisket. I spent, like I had like

60 bucks. You know when you're a comic, you got 60 bucks and this is it there ain't no bank account dad's not sending me a thousand on Monday you know I had 60 bucks and I liked her and I told her this I got 60 bucks don't fuck with me so she goes let's go shopping and have

a nice meal so we ended up and I bought like a London bra whatever the fuck you call those big pieces of meat and And so we ended up and I bought like a London bra, whatever the fuck you call those big pieces. Yeah. And before we even we get to the supermarket, we get home. I remember it was a Sunday and it was like 90. Towards the end of 98, and it was like a Sunday and.

Before the fucking dinner was done, we got into it. We just got into a heavy duty fucking brawl. And the brawl, the argument went out into the street. You know? And it was like, you know, I'm done with you. You know, we were just arguing that breakup argument. You know, fuck you, fuck you. I want you out of my house.

All this shit. And finally, she got mace. To spray me with mace on the street. And I had the roast beef in my hand. Whatever the fuck it is. And I'll never forget being in Hollywood on fucking one of those side streets, Vista. No, the one down from Vista. And her and I are in the middle of the street on a Sunday at 2 o'clock arguing and she shoot me with mace

and I'm swinging the roast beef at her you know and I don't know in the street dude I gotta be 36 or 37 at that time you know and I was starting to get a little self aware you start to get a little self aware

as you get old. Like, what the fuck am I doing, you know? And I swung at her with the fucking roast beef and mister. And then I just stopped. And I go, what the fuck are we doing? What is this? I'm 37 years old. I just finished a fucking movie, the biggest movie of my life.

I'm at the world famous fucking comedy store and I'm fist fighting with a girl in the middle of the street on a fucking Sunday she shoot me with mace and I'm swinging at her with a roast beef blocking my eyes I've done a thousand things that was not going to work

and I'll never forget I told her to go fuck herself and I just turned around and walked up to Sunset with my 30 dollars my roast my uncooked roast beef and i brought it to ralphie mays he cooked it with mace on it with me holy i brought you he was all excited let's cook it up you know so we cooked. I was cooking. I said, I got to wait. She kept, I had a pager there. I didn't even have a cell phone.

I had a pager. And she kept paging me. She's going to fucking have her brother kill me. Whatever. Stupid girl shit. And I'll never forget when I ate, I called Joe Chadwick in Miami Improv. And I go, Joe, I'm in a fucking bind. I got to get the fuck out of

here do you have any work for me and he goes I don't have an MC the next six weeks I said I'm the new house MC at the Miami Improv and I got in the plane I got away from that fucking wench I got on the plane and I went down there and worked my material, bought clothes because they told everything. My clothes, my sneakers, my everything, warm-up suits, headshots, VHS tapes, and I couldn't untold the car because I didn't have the registration. So they wouldn't even let me get in the car to get my shit, those cocksuckers.

So I had to start from scratch. So I would go down there, snort coke, work out, and buy clothes. That's all I was doing. I was doing every show I could. The Black Show, everybody was giving me work. And after about eight weeks, I had about $1,500 and I came back to L.A. Now it's 99. I'm living

with a friend of mine. I'm living on Ralphie's couch, Celine's couch. God rest her soul. God rest his soul mine i'm living on ralphie's couch celine's couch god rest her soul god rest his soul i'm living on all these couches on 1440 north garden i'm doing stand-up i don't even know where i'm gonna sleep i mean it was such a renegade fucking life like just going to do stand-up at the store and not knowing where you're going to end up at night. Some nights I'd end up at a black

chick's house in Beverly Hills snorting coke. Some nights I would end up at a fucking party. Some nights I would sleep in a car. Some nights I would go into 1440. It'd be like two weeks I'd have a bed because a lot of comics lived in 1440. So they be like two weeks I'd have a bed because a lot of comics lived in 1440.

So they'd leave town and I'd pick their lock and I'd just sleep on their bed for a fucking week. Ralphie's bed, Celine's bed, Gentry's bed. And then after I got my shit together, I said, I'm still not ready for LA.

I want to, you know, I was fighting for like two years. And beside that car getting towed and me fighting with the girl, I fucking ate a bag of dicks one night following Doug Stanhope at the improv at Freaky Monday, one of the biggest fucking shows of the week, industry out the ass. Doug Stanhope goes up there before me and decides to say it's easier to jump over a midget than a black guy but he didn't say the word black guy he said the word

and the fucking place like it was a black night what do you expect them to do Chris Tucker was in the audience and he goes get that fucking white boy off the stage. Wow. Holy shit. So now he gets off the stage. Coming to the stage, Joey Diaz. That's what you got to go after. I walked up there to crickets, more crickets, and dead crickets. I didn't get a fucking giggle in 10 minutes. I left there. I walked out the door.

I think I pried myself home. How can you bomb on a Monday night? So I was like, fuck it. I'm not going back till I make sure that's never going to happen again. So I basically went to Miami, came back, hung out with Ralphie for a few weeks. And I talked this girl, Jody, she had a car into going back to basics. Even though I was a regular at the store, even though I had done movies, I had also booked a Taco Bell commercial. Like, I had a calling there.

I had a fucking opportunity there. I went on a triple run. Yeah. I went on an eight-week triple run. Damn. Which turned into a 20-week run. Are you fucking serious? You're driving all those spots and doing that?

Dog, when you do comedy, you do comedy. When you know how to get better, there's a way that you just go, I'm going to get fucking that much better. So I did. The tour started in November, and I did not. You didn't come home in those days.

It wasn't like you came home like Tom and showered and went back out Thursday. You didn't have the money. You didn't come home in those days. It wasn't like you came home like Tom and showered and went back out Thursday. You didn't have the money. You didn't have the money. You had the money to fly back and not fly to the gig the following week, or you had the money to stay in a hotel. That was it. Eat Subway sandwiches, veggie and cheese and anything else you could fucking get for $2.

So I stayed out from the beginning of november to like april 29th damn and i used to go that's in the 2000 now right so now we're into 2000 okay so you're out on the road for the first four months of 2000 i started a tour with a girl that was a party machine she doesn't even do comedy anymore. Great, great friend. We still talk. I'm tight with her and her sister. We went on a fucking, every night we would drink a bottle of tequila,

a bottle of this liqueur and beers. And if we got Coke, we got Coke. If we didn't, we didn't. It started at the 8 ball in in idaho and the doorman the doorman was a girl and i asked her she'd get me eight ball and she goes absolutely and she did get me some fantastic coke she brought to the hotel room she was hot as fuck and then she goes do you mind if i fix i go what are you talking about okay He goes, I'm going to fix in your room. She fucking fixed with coke in my room.

She did some needles, and then we fucked around a little bit. She goes, don't tell nobody. I'm not going to tell nobody. I'm not going to judge you. But that's the first night of that tour. That just goes to show you. That's how it kicked off. That's how it kicked off.

Oh, you know what we were drinking? Cahuaca. Oh, I remember that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we did this every fucking night. This tour was only supposed to be until like March. But then I got a call from Miami Improv. And me and this girl went down there for three weeks.

Jesus. I had line one week, and I featured two weeks girl went down there for three weeks. Jesus. I headlined one week and I featured two weeks and she MC'd two weeks. We headlined for Dave Chappelle. No way. Yeah. There's still a picture at the Miami Improv of me, Dave, and Jody sitting there stoned to the

fucking gills. But I went on a hell of a fucking tour. I went from Idaho all the way to miami and all the way back to texas to el paso and the tour ended in el paso and i was done i came home in like may of 2000 and uh that's la back to la in may of 2000 okay i moved in a friend of josh wolf put me up in his house, Gavin. I paid him like $200 a month to sleep on his couch. And again, I was just living the fucking wildest life.

It was just comedy. No working out. No walking. No eating carrots. There was no drinking water. You're making $300 a week. I'm making $15 a spot. I'm eating whatever they give me. At that time, I used to eat a Wendy's Junior Cheeseburger every day for a dollar. They had the

dollar menu, a bowl of chili, and a salad. That's what I was living off of. And then cocaine. And comedy like a motherfucker, eating all the fruit up at the store. I read a book that Kennison and Carla Bow used to go up there early and eat all the fruit to make the drinks. So I started eating the fucking orange. Okay, I see. The olives and all that shit. Yeah. I'm getting a full balanced meal up at the store.

It's really crazy when you think of those times. Like, I was just in love with comedy. Like, there was no women at that time. That time I said, I got an opportunity to do this. Forget being a criminal anymore, but I'm going to tighten everything up. I'm going to tighten my life up. I got to get rid of this girl. And I got to really tighten up my fucking comedy game.

And that's what I did. So when I got back in May, I just went kicking it up at the store I started auditioning again and it felt really fucking good I couldn't keep living how I was living there was a girl on Sunday nights who would come to the comedy store

and we would do DMT what's not DMT? the shit that you drink GHB I know what ghb is we would drink that shit and go back to our house and do drugs and valium and i would wake up on monday morning at our house all fucked up we'd spend the night together it was just uh the life i wanted to be honest with you. You know, when you read Ladies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce,

he's a fucking wild man in that book. Anybody who reads that book and doesn't want to do comedy, you're a fucking faggot because that book will make you do comedy even if you're a deaf mute. You're like, what? Hang out with strippers, get my dicks up, hang out at the burlesque club and do crack stupid jokes. That's great comedy. And that's the life I was living, guys. And it was

scary. But God always has a plan for you. Life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Symptoms can include lack of motivation, feeling helpless or trapped, detachment, fatigue, and more. I know when I'm burned out, I feel sorry for myself. I don't eat right. I'm tired all the time, and I just feel like I've hit a wall. We associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause. Any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burned out, and BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing stress in your life. You know that I'm a big believer in therapy.

I just, you know, I see everyone's always worried about how they look and not about what's going on in their mind. You know, get that gym going on in your mind, okay? BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Honeydew listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash honeydew. That's BetterHelp.com slash Honeydew for 10% off your first month.

When you know more, you can do more. What if you could use science to discover more about your body? Find out what you need for healthier tomorrow with EverlyWell. EverlyWell is digital healthcare designed for you at an affordable and transparent price. With over 30 at-home lab tests,

you'll be able to choose a test that makes the most sense for you to get the answers you need. Everly Well has high-quality vitamins and supplements to support your overall health, including vitamin D3 and omega-3 fish oil. Here's how it works. Everly Well ships products straight to you with everything needed in one package. Simply collect your sample and use the included prepaid shipping label to mail your test back to a certified lab. Your physician-reviewed results

get sent to your phone or device in just days. You can even share the results with your primary care physician. I've taken multiple tests now, and again, food sensitivities, I found out, never knew I had, man. It's so simple. Over 1 million people have trusted Everly Well to

support their health and wellness goals, and you should too. For listeners of my show, Everly Well is offering a special discount of 20% off an at-home lab test at everlywell.com slash honeydew. That's everlywell.com slash honeydew for 20% off your next at-home lab test. everlywell.com slash honeydew. Now, let's get back to the do. So towards the end of the month in June, I was walking into the store. And I was walking into the original room to check in. In 2000, you had to check in with the sound girl, you know, in the original room.

And as I was walking up the steps, I saw this girl with blue eyes and we just caught eyes. And it was those catches where even as I turned around, I kept looking at her. Like it was like a weird feeling. She was a pretty girl, but not enough for me to fall over myself.

But I noticed that we just, we just locked eyes. We were just looking at each other, you know? So I think the next night I was there and she was there. She was a waitress. And I started talking to her a little bit and she started talking to me. You know, I was an animal at that time and I had a reputation as an animal at the

store, you know? And I remember about that time, right when I met her, like the week that i met my wife i got into a fight up at the store some guy said that i was only funny because i was doing coke before my set if anybody knows anything about me i respected the hell out of comedy i did coke my first year in comedy i wasn't even doing comedy a year. And on St. Patty's day in Boulder, I decided to do a couple of lines and go on stage.

And it really fucking, I didn't do well. So I go mental note. I don't know what Richard Pryor was talking about. You can't do coke and go on stage. You know, Richard never did coke and went on stage, but in my mind he did.

So I got so pissed off at this kid. That he was talking to me from like six feet away. And I was in the building in the back door and he was over here. And like I'm telling you guys, I was buck wild then. And I just threw a bottle at him. I thought you were going to say you charged him. He was standing next to another comic that's well-known, and it didn't even faze me at all. I had a Heineken bottle, and I just whipped it at him.

And he fucking ducked, and the bottle hit the wall, and they fucking ran out of there. And I chased the guy, you know, and he ran. I was 400 pounds. I wasn't going to catch him, but I made my fucking point. It was funny. The next night when I was headed to the store, I was at a light I wasn't going to catch him, but I made my fucking point. It was funny. The next night when I was headed to the store, I was at a light by Coach and Horses

and the well-known comic he was with saw me and ran up to the car and was like, hey, that was not with me last night. Comics are such pussies. He was laughing at the joke when he said it to me, but now it had nothing to do with him because I threw a fucking bottle at his head.

And then that fucking dude, he used to when he said it to me, but now it had nothing to do with him because I threw a fucking bottle at his head, you know? And then that fucking dude, he used to be a guitar comic. All right, I'm not going to mention any names. And when he got passed, he was a guitar comic. So one night, Mitzi went in. It was the only night Mitzi went in, and David Teller's there. And this fucking jerk off goes on stage without the guitar. And he dies a slow death. And just as he's leaving, Mitzi grabs him and goes, listen, I better not see you on the stage without the guitar again.

Oh, shit. We're outside two hours later, an hour later. The guy's like, fuck Mitzi, fuck her. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. Now, I love Mitzi Shaw. I loved her like a mother at that time, you know. And I would have stabbed this mother. Like, I'm like, look at this dumb fuck, you know.

She's been doing this for 30 fucking years and she's developed stars. But he's out here saying that Mitch, he's a cunt and all this shit. And he's given names of people who went away from the store and became all this famous shit. So he left the store. Six months later, I see this motherfucker at the room that Dane Cook became a star at. Dublin. On Sunset, Dublin. And I see him and I go, hey, how you doing? I got a couple drinks in me.

I got a couple bumps in me. You know me. I don't like the guy as it is, but what he said to me. So now I gotta drop some knowledge on him. I go, hey, how you doing? He goes, great. He goes, yeah, I'm gonna call into the store. I'm going back to the store. I go, dog, I don't know if you've spoken to Mitzi lately, but your guitar

ain't gonna work. You better show up with a three-piece fucking band. You better come in with a drummer, a saxophone. You better come in. And he got pissed, because he was a shitty comic. And, you know, for him to say to me that we snorted coke or whatever. So I just fucking chomped him

at the bit, this motherfucker. Like, when you come back, you better bring a big fucking band, because she's not going to let you back in there. So he came back to the store one night and got tough, and this chick that I like, the waitress, came over. And she's like, fuck this motherfucker.

You know, do what you want, blah, blah, blah. And I started talking to this chick. And we started talking all night, and then it was July the 3rd. I had a gig in Lake Havasu. So she goes, are you calm now? Are you ready to go home? And I go, yeah.

Thank you for talking to me. She's like, what are you doing for the 4th? I go, I got a gig in Havasu. And I don't have a ride. I got to figure out how I'm going to get there. And she goes, I'm not doing nothing. I'll give you a ride. Just give me gas money.

She's my wife today. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That is awesome. We just had our anniversary fourth of july weekend so oh yeah yeah congrats brother how many years 22 fuck yeah man congrats so i was a savage at the store you know like my balls on fire having a great time but uh once i met my wife it was all over this and i didn't even know she once I met my wife, it was all over. And I didn't even know she was going to be my wife. Of course, yeah.

But we had to keep it under a hat for a long time because Mitchie sure didn't want you dating the employees. So we couldn't tell anybody. And one night we were food shopping about a month afterward and Eleanor saw us at Ralph's and she's like what the fuck is this you guys dating we're like yeah we're dating and then we were just

dating and again she was so nice I didn't really want to date her like do you know what I'm saying yeah she was a nice girl she was too nice of a girl for me so i just i kept the arms distance you know i would take her out on dates and shit like that but when i was at the store i would just try to be cool and get her out of there i didn't want her mixing in my other world you know but it was really funny that she was so fucking sweet. I didn't want to date her like at all. Right. I was trying to stay away from her after a month.

I'm like, I can't be with this girl. I'm just going to do something stupid and she can't handle it. I don't want to hurt nobody. You know, I had already been married and divorced. And right now I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I was just looking to do comedy and to fucking suck and snort coke. I didn't want nobody to... You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do know what you're saying. I want a fucking girlfriend. Like, I want to fucking hold my head. So I fucking avoided her a lot, you know? And then one night, I was going to New York. It was like August. We had been together about a month and a half. I was going to New York.

And I didn't go to the store the night before. I had like maybe $20 to go to New York with. I had the money for the ticket and for $20. I was going to mooch off my brother when I got here. And she fucking just showed up at Ralphie's at two in the morning. And she's like, why haven't I seen you? And I go, I've been busy. You know, and she's like, let's hang out. and i go i've been busy you know and she's like let's

hang out come over and i went over to her house and she's like how are you getting to the airport and i go i have no fucking idea so she goes i'll give you a ride we stayed up all night and then at the end of the night i'll never forget this she goes do you have any money and i go yeah i got 20 bucks and a couple cigarettes and she goes take my cigarettes and take my 40 bucks. She had made like 50 bucks the night before at the comedy store as a waitress. And she goes, take that money. I'd never taken money from a woman before.

Like, that's not even in my realm. You know what I'm saying? I'll rob a bitch. You know, I robbed a couple bitches in my day. I robbed a chick once. I met at the comedy store. I was eating a pussy and I'm trying to take the money out of her pocket. When she picked

me up and I didn't pick her up at the comedy store. I picked her up at the laugh factory. She got thrown out of the laugh factory because she was heckling comics. So when I got, when I was leaving, she comes up to me. She's like, were your feelings hurt? I go, no, I didn't even know you were there. comes up to me. She's like, were your feelings hurt? I go, no, I didn't even know you were there. And we start talking.

She's pretty cute. And she goes, do you want to go get a drink? And I'm like, yeah, let's go get a cocktail somewhere. I didn't know any bars. I'm not a drinker, so I didn't know any bars. So I said, let's just go to a liquor store. Oh, my God, Ryan Sickler. We went to a liquor store.

She brought a bottle of vodka and when she went in her purse, she took out a fucking gangster roll. Like hundreds. Gas station wad catch. I'm like, dog, this bitch is going down, right? I had like a gram of Coke, maybe a little less.

I'm doing lines with her and I'm looking at that wad. I'm like, ah. I already called Dante. I'm like, dog, I got a pigeon. What time you close? He's like, one. I'll be lines with her. I'm looking at that quad. I'm like, ah. I already called Dante. I'm like, dog, I got a pigeon. What time you close? And he's like, one. I'll be there before one.

This chick was staying at a Japanese restaurant, at a Japanese hotel downtown. She was working for a computer firm. And they put her up for a seminar. So she goes, if you want, we can go back to my hotel and finish off that coke and shit. So we get back to the hotel. We're finished.

We do a couple of lines, you know. She goes, let me slip into something more comfortable, whatever the fuck. Like, I don't even know. She put like a top on. That's what it was. Because she had on like a tight thing with fucking, with her tits popping out. So she put on like a bed thing, but she had her jeans on and her shoes. And we start swapping

spit and she stops and she goes i have a boyfriend i'm gonna be so good i'm like patina it's like when you do a virgin catholic girl on the walk home you gotta pet that back they're crying like i'm gonna go to hell now no you're not So this fucking times we're swapping spit. We're not even doing nothing heavy. You would break away and go, I got a boyfriend. I feel so guilty. I'm like, listen, where's your boyfriend? He's like in Seattle.

So fuck, don't worry about it. What's your man got to do with me? I got a man. That's right. I'm not going to hear it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I remember that song. so one thing leads to another finally i tell this i want to lick your fucking monkey and she can't she can't take it so i take a little jeans off and

i'm watching that bulge but what she did what she did to me was that she took the gangster role she took the singles from the middle and she put the singles on top. Now that made the gangster roll a Jewish roll. So I'm eating a pussy, and I'm trying to pickpocket, right? And I'm taking out singles. I'm like, what the fuck? And her pussy had sweat to it, so it smelled kind of weird. It was like a Fear Factor type of fucking...

Fear Factor! I'm eating this out, stinky pussy. It tastes like the gyro sauce. It's got that little Greek smell to it. I'm eating this tzatziki pussy. It tastes like the gyro sauce. It's got that little Greek smell to it. I'm eating the pussy. I close my nose without the fingers. I'm trying to not cheat. Digging in my asshole with my tongue.

But the whole time I'm trying to pickpocket it. Ten minutes to get back to episode. I finally got it for 200. I put a quarter in the meter. This is the funniest story ever. I fucking get in that car, and I shoot to Dante's house, the drug dealer. It's 5 to 1. I just made it.

I go in. I go, here's 200. Give me 200 worth of coke. He goes, you owe me 50 from the online. No worries. All of a sudden, he looks at me. He goes, you smell funny 50 from the online. No worries. All of a sudden he looks at me and goes, you smell funny.

And I go, yeah. I was eating some old Greek pussy. It smelled like something out of Jimmy's Seafood. It smelled like a clot of Jimmy's Seafood. But I ate it. But I popped out of there

like a savage. The next day, I had some canker sores and shit. I lived. You know what I'm saying? If you eat pussy and you get a canker sore, that's not good pussy. But every once in a while, you get a batch of bad pussy. It's like a bad tomato. It's like a bad avocado.

You know what I'm saying? Shit. so did you go back did you go back or you were out of there no he was really cute i think she was a vegan vegan chick said pussy smell because women need meat when they don't eat meat pussy has wang deep deep in the middle deep deep in the middle when you're fingering it before the flies come out it's got that little wang in there you have like a girl intern right now my producer she's i didn't know flies came out. Yeah, you're not looking. Fucking moaning and groaning.

Bats are coming out, flies, liquids. My stomach hurts so bad. I went back to New York. I was only home for like three days. And when I got back, she picked me up at the airport and we started talking. And she goes, why don't you just come to my house for a few days and lay low there and relax? I wasn't feeling good.

And I'll never forget. She goes, if you want, you could stay here a few days. Why don't you go pick up some clothes? And I go, what are you talking about? This is it. These are my clothes. I had like four pair of jeans, four t-shirts, maybe like a nice shirt, socks, no underwear. I didn't wear underwear then because it's either cocaine or underwear.

You got to make up your mind. You got to make up your mind. You got to make up your mind. You can't have them both. It's either cocaine or fucking underwear. Get it together. Stinky fucking socks. It is a good call, though. You don't need underwear if you have pants.

You don't. You don't need. You got to work with what you got. When you're a coke fiend, need you gotta work with what you got when you're a coke fiend you gotta work with what you got okay so you're staying you're gonna stay at her place yeah she asked me to stay with her and i felt really shitty because I thought like this is going to end bad. Now I'm living with her, you know? So the whole time I was with her, those first two years, I was really protecting her. And we were both in the same place. She didn't know about my addiction. She had an idea. She was coming off drinking. She wasn't a big drinker, but she didn't like drinking because

it made her black out and stuff. So we were both coming from the same place. We were both fucking broke as shit. I mean, her rent was 700 rent control in Hollywood, and I could barely make my 350. You know, I always have to borrow money from Ari or Joe just to make rent, you know. But it was so weird. She had a cat and the cat didn't like me. But then after a year, the cat started liking me and it was so crazy. I used to come home for the cat. Like I never had the, you know, like I never had a life at this point since I was 16. Now I'm 37 and I'm finally in a relationship that I really

liked her. I really respected her, because obviously I don't want to do shit. Like, I never brought cocaine into that house. I always did it outside and ran into shit inside. But I never did cocaine. And the night I did do cocaine, we'll get to later in one of the few

episodes, but I don't know. It was me living with her made me respect her home. So I stopped acting like a savage at the comedy store. And I started taking auditions a little bit more seriously. I think the first thing I booked after I moved in with her was like Mad TV. And then I booked a Chaz Palminteri movie called Women Versus Men. And I'll never forget, like, we got like a check for 600 bucks.

And our first dinner together was at that Sizzler. Like, we were going to fucking Sizzler, guys. Like, Sizzler, to eat those Sizzler cancer shrimps. Those little fucking... Those little Katrina shrimps, you know. Katrina shrimp. That was it, guys. You know.

Me and this girl lived in a one-bedroom studio. God. You know, we slept in the closet. We both smoked cigarettes. You know, we were both sharing cigarettes. I mean. Let me ask you a question.

Go ahead. Because also, you and I have one thing in common. From 16 on, I have no parents. Myself. I'm raised by the streets, raised by the wolves. You know, I feel it genuinely has put me behind. I always think it's about 10 years. I'd love to have a fucking master's in street smarts and normal shit. I feel like I'm stunted and it's things I still need to learn and grow that other people had parents have told them, right? So at this point now where you're sort of calming down, do you start to feel maybe part of a unit, like part of a team, a family, so to speak? You said you started coming

home for the cat and I get that with my dog. I'm like, I just want to go home and kick it with the fucking dog, a pet on the dog. You know what I mean? Like, do you start to feel like you had something to belong to, you know, where a place to be? What do you attribute that shift to? You know, I was getting sick and tired. We all get sick and tired. We get sick and tired of situations we're in. We get sick and tired of the relationships we're in. We get sick and tired of the relationships we're in.

You know, I was sick and tired of relationships I was in. I was like in a, since the time I had gotten divorced, I had been in a, my love life was horrid. It was a sex life. And I didn't enjoy it. I mean, we all love pussy. We all like eating ass and putting coke on a chick's pussy and eating it, you know. All that shit. We all. You know, we all love pussy. We all like eating ass and putting coke on a chick's pussy and eating it.

All that shit. We all. You know, we all love that shit. But it was getting old. It felt empty. You know, I didn't have a girlfriend in Boulder. I had a couple girls. And they would only come over to do coke and fuck and suck. And then they went home.

And God, I wouldn't hear from them for a week. Then they would call again. You know, so it was like I wouldn't hear from them for a week. Then they would call again, you know? So it was like, I didn't want a relationship, but it was nice just to have a nice girl around. She was just a nice Irish girl. You know, that's the other thing. I always dated Irish girls when I was growing up and I had no problems. You never have a problem with an Irish girl. When

an Irish girl picks a crazy motherfucker, they're a match made in heaven because Irish fathers are crazy. So they're used to it. Irish girls will take anybody. I love them. I love them with all my heart. Even my friendships where women are Irish, our relationships are off to a different, Friendships where women are Irish, our relationships are off to a different, they know I'm crazy. The lady around the corner is an Irish pharmacist, right? She's a pharmacist at CVS. The head pharmacist, genius of a woman. Her and I talk every fucking day.

She got two kids. Her husband drove me to do comedy that night. But her and I have a genuine bond. An Irish woman and me, we could take over the world. And that's what happened with this chick. Like, she was Irish, and she was my girlfriend, and I had gotten away from Irish girls since I left North Bergen. But when I was a kid, I dated the McNeils, the fucking Morans. I loved Irish girls, you know. Colleen Mains, that's the one that told me her

mother died like i couldn't date her no more because whose mother dies when you're five what the fuck did you do and now i feel bad i should reach out to her because i dumped her because her mother died so when my mother died i thought about her because i was like who the fuck i don't want to hang out with nobody ain't got a. What the fuck kind of person are you? So I always hung out with Irish shit. I've never even thought of that. Wow. Yeah. So I'm an Irish woman.

I love Italian women. I love black women. I love Spanish women. But the ones that will tolerate my shit and when I say this someday, I'm going to stab you in the eye with a knife. Most women will run. An Irish girl will go, Joey, put the knife down. Come on.

I hate potatoes. Get in the fucking house. You know what I'm saying? What's the matter with you? Out here yelling like a fucking reek and, you know, what the fuck? So all those things contributed to it. As much as I didn't want a girlfriend, I really loved her. And I got to be honest with you, as much as an animal

as I am, the first four years I was with her, I treated her with pretty much cotton gloves. I kept her out of my affairs because I didn't want her to be in my world at no but when I got the longest yard Because I didn't want her to be in my world at no. But when I got the longest yard, that's when I woke up one morning and my football uniform was laid out for me at 415 in the morning. You're doing Deion Sanders shit for you. Jesus Christ.

I used to do his layout. The socks and all. No, it's true. You know, she didn't lay it out know but the jersey the pants it's out there and i just looked at it one day and i go you you know like i didn't even say nothing who what woman if you go home now and tell your woman that you have an argument they're thinking of leaving you if you do something wrong in a relationship a woman will fucking leave you in a heartbeat, you know, like the way my wife left me at 91, you know? I don't know, with Terry, it seemed like when I got the longest yard and I saw that close out, I was like, okay,

this is my girl. Now I got to figure out how i'm gonna keep her you know that was by the time 2003 2004 came i was pretty busy with movies i'd done spider-man 2 yeah you got nothing i did a bunch of films and my stand-up i was opening for rogan so things were going on the only thing that was really, really holding me back was my cocaine addiction. And I'll never forget that one night I had to call her to come get me on a fucking Monday morning. You know, when I left Saturday night, I got dragged in by these dudes at the store and we went to their house in Hollywood and we did coke. We did everything. And we went to their house in Hollywood and we did coke.

We did everything. And at 8 in the morning on a Monday, I had to call my wife and tell her to pick me up by Fairfax, by the Starbucks there, and across from that breakfast joint. And I'll never forget, I was so embarrassed. I was on a two-day binge. I was foaming at the mouth. She drove me home. She put me in bed. You know, I barked. She understood.

And I was so fucking embarrassed. And I remember I slept for two days after that run. And I'll never forget getting in her car to drive and a light just puking. Out the door? Yeah. Three days later, no. I covered my head when the puke started to hit the visor. Behind the light, the puke is hitting my fucking head on the visor.

Oh, God, dude. But all those things attributed to me, like I had to give her a chance. I couldn't fuck her over. Like I could not end it like I ended all give her a chance. I couldn't fuck her over. Like I could not end it. Like I ended all my other relationships. That was not going to happen. We were not going to end up like her picking my clothes up in jail or something like,

you know, I get arrested and she's got to bring my clothes to jail. So when I got out of jail, I basically got nowhere to live. Like that wasn't going to get to that part with her. So I knew that I had to clean up my life. I kept doing coke, guys. I kept it away from her.

But over the years, I could tell it was starting to affect her. And then she went home for her brother's babies. My brother-in-law was going to have his first child. And my wife went back in like 2004. And when she came back, she was a little depressed. I could tell that she wasn't herself. You know, she was getting older and she wanted a family.

And we'll end it right there. Boom. I love you, brother. And that's 2004. Hold on. I want to timestamp that. We're ending it. What month?

Roughly where are we at? August 2004. All right. We're going to pick up next time, August 2004. I love you, brother. You want to promote anything? No, I got my shows are sold out at Uncle Funny, Uncle Vinny's, down in Point Pleasant.

I got three more shows left. I'm going to add some shows, but I got a residency starting September 17th at the Sony Theater. I'll keep everybody afloat on that. Fuck yeah. Good for you, brother. Yeah, let's do this in two weeks or so. So we continue this story. This is a good story.

This is one of my favorite episodes. I got to say, this time right here is one of my favorites. This is when I started drawing in. Don't get me wrong. I was still a fucking savage is when I started drawing in. Don't get me wrong. I was still a fucking savage, but I had it in my mind that this was all coming to an end soon.

Either, what's the expression? You got to shit or get off the pot. Shit or get off the pot, brother. That's the name of this episode, Cocksucker. Perfect. I love you.

And as always, ryansickler.com, ryansickler on all social media. We'll talk to y'all next week.