The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joey Diaz - HoneyCoCo

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

The saga continues! Comedian Joey Diaz (Netflix, The Many Saints of Newark) is back to Highlight the Lowlights of his life from 1997 to 1999! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: How To Buy A Home Podcast -Listen to the How to Buy a Home Podcast today for your step-by-step guide for buying your first home! Upstart -Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to https://www.Upstart.com/HONEYDEW. Use our URL to let them know we sent you! Babbel -Go to https://www.Babbel.com and use promo code HONEYDEW to get an additional 3 months FREE when you purchase a 3-month Babbel subscription Athletic Greens -Get a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase when you go to https://www.AthleticGreens.com/HONEYDEW 

Nashville, Tennessee. Lexington, Kentucky. Thank you so much for all the love. It was great to see you all out there. I really appreciate all the support. I am bringing the Night Pants Nation tour to Boston March 31st to April 2nd and Minneapolis April 28th through the 30th. Get your tickets for those shows and all shows at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. I can't thank you enough for your support. It's been a hell of a year so far, and we're going to continue that run. Please subscribe to the YouTube channel. It's a huge

help to everything we do over here. And the Patreon, it's called the Honeydew with y'all. I'm highlighting the lowlights with y'all. The stories are unlike anything you've ever heard. I promise you that. It's five bucks a month. If you sign up for a year, you're getting over a month free and you're getting a honeydew a day early ad free at no additional cost. All right. That's the biz right there. You guys know what we do over here. We're highlighting the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. All right. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. All right?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is a pleasure to have the legend back, the one and only Joey Diaz, everybody. Welcome back to the Honeydew, Joey Diaz. What's going on, Ryan Sickler? The Russians are coming, sucker. God damn it, they are, boy. How about that ghost of Kiev? Dan Van Kirk told me about this guy last night. I think it's the ghost of Kiev, they call him.

And he's a fighter jet that shot down six Russian jets yesterday alone. And they can't get this guy. They can't see him. But he's like the Red Baron up there right now in our times. This dude's like a badass. And he's knocking them all out of the sky. And they can't fuck with him up there. He's like the Tony Hawk of fucking fighter pilots.

What a fucking nightmare, my friend. For real. We just got COVID, now we got to fuck the world. World War III, yeah, after COVID. Is COVID over? COVID's over, though, isn't it? Seems like it happened. Jesus Christ.

Nobody gives a fuck anymore. Seriously, they're bombing people. We got to worry about a mask? That's it. They're not talking about vaccines no more nothing i heard they're letting people into new york without the card you know it's over of course they are listen there's no way the united states of america is going to tell people that you can't fucking come here and and you know save your fucking self there's going to be a lot of looking left and right when it comes to that

shit blind eyes and yeah yeah compassionate souls what the fuck are you gonna do that's their their their capitals getting bombed they bombed the airport they bombed the air imagine being in la right now you're like i gotta get the fuck out of here and they're like they bombed la actually like well how am i getting the fuck out now i gotta drive to vegas burbank or some shit all right brother we have not done one of these since july of 2021 when we last ended it was uh it's actually very touching to me now because it was march of 97 for you i had just moved here on valentine's day in 97 and you just got passed at the store. And for me, I'm sitting here right now, I'm newly passed at the store.

So it's nice to, by the way, it's nice to be able to go on that wall with you someday, Joey Diaz. It was 25 years. The anniversary was 25 years last Saturday. It was on my birthday. I became a regular on my birthday okay it all came together you know yeah you you were mentioning that you went in you didn't want to touch the toilet with your hands so you fucking sat the lid down and you sat there and you cried and it just all came out everything from back in denver back in jersey new york all of it the prison all of it coming back to you and it just hit now you're a fucking regular at the world famous comedy store so let's pick up march of 97 and we'll go from

there you know the next day i woke up and i'll have to tell you how i felt i felt invincible i felt that i belonged and i'm happy that I got to do this now because it's given me and I've been doing stand up it's going to be a year now it was a year yesterday or something since I haven't been on stage so it's given me a lot of time to think

you know the best times I had yet it felt great to sell out theaters it felt great to sell out comedy clubs that was great it felt great to shoot a theaters and it felt great to sell out comedy clubs. That was great. Felt great to shoot a special. But there's nothing better than getting accepted into the circle that you're, you know, that you're going for.

That's a great feeling. You know, I started in Denver and then I went to New York for nine to ten months, which taught me how to kind of start up in a city and get the party started. Then I went back to Denver and got the party started there for a year, and then I went to Seattle and got the party started there. So by the time you get to that fourth destination, you know how to get the party started. By that time, I had joined an acting class on Monday night. Jamie Masada told me I wasn't funny

enough to do his stage. Fuck that guy. But I had a guy who worked there who used to give me a 20-minute spot every Monday for Latino Night, and it was packed. And, you know, it's so weird. People think you make it at the store and that's it no that's when your work starts this i just did the comedy store podcast last night with

eleanor and she said the same thing i said look it's it's great you're right there's not there i i'm so surprised the camaraderie and um how kind everyone has been coming up to me and congratulating me and stuff. You know, I didn't expect, first of all, I don't expect anything from anybody, but I really didn't expect that. I have been in that building for so long doing so many shows, just never a regular that it really, they, I see how much they appreciate it. So it is something to be accepted by this band of fucking misfits and you know you're one of us now i really feel good about that but you're right a 15 minute set at the comedy store

is that's that's all it is it does not make you a comedian an hour makes you a comedian if you can go on the road and sell tickets it makes you a comedian like just being a comedy store comic is awesome but it does there's so much more and you're right that's where your work begins now you got to go to that next level and you've seen guys over the years do it prior murphy robin williams just name them all of them you know it's so busy out it's so weird how when you go to jujitsu or karate when you start you're in the back of the class and then after three months you move up six spots and then after three years you're in the front line you know and it's the same thing at the comedy store like i remember getting made and getting passed not to to get away from this. After I got passed, like once somebody became a regular, we'd wait for them on the stairs.

And when they come out, we treat them like the guys in Goodfellas. You pop the cherry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all hug you, rub your head. When Simone got passed and we did that to him, you got made. Oh, shit. Pop your cherry and we hugged you. Not for me. For me, nobody said that to him. You got made. Oh, shit. Popped your cherry and we hugged it. Not for me.

For me, nobody said dick to me. But I remember the next day, I got up and I went and brought Scott Dad a bottle of tequila. He was the talent coordinator at the store. And I had a weekend that weekend when she made me on a Sunday. And that following weekend, I had a weekend in San Francisco. And somebody told me, dog, cancel that motherfucker because you don't want to get made and then disappear on it. And then she forgets about you. So I canceled

it and my goal at that time was to become a good comedian. But to be honest with you, the way you have to think when you walk into the comedy store or the improv, regardless of what you think or what's happened to you in your life, you have to go, I'm going to, I'm going to give myself five years. I'm going to be the best comic up here.

You know, you got to sink in, get involved at the store, do all the belly room shows for people to more exposure. That's right. So my world had become the comedy store. I was, you know,

the felonies got expunged. That expunged everything. That was. When was that? In 97 also? 97. Yeah. No,

no. I'm saying that the becoming a regular took away all the sins. Got it. It took away a lot of the pain. It took away a lot of things. Now my fucking goal was to become the best at the store, to move up the ladder from the one o'clock spot to 10, 15. I'll never forget, Monday I got a spot. That Monday, my first Monday, they gave me a spot at 11 o'clock. Boy, was I fucking happy. I got Josh Wolfe. I got my other buddies. I got Brody.

Everybody came down to see my spot. Monday night, Comedy Store debut, ready to fucking go. All of a sudden, Eddie Griff Griffin taps me and he goes, hey, player, do you mind if I do 10 minutes in front of you? Oh, shit. Dog, you stayed on until a quarter to two. Yeah, I know. I don't know if Eddie Griffin's ever done

10 minutes. I went from the biggest high in my life to the biggest low in my life. Did you still get to go? If you would have come by and fucked me in the ass, it would have been the best thing you could have done. I was just sitting back there ready to cry.

And my friends kept saying goodbye one by one. Yeah, yeah. Let it go, man. We'll see you next time. And I'm like, fuck. And then finally Eddie Griffin goes, hey, you coming up here, Cuba? And I remember walking up there like ready to shoot myself. I wanted to kill him.

I wanted to kill him. I think I went home and cried again. You go from this biggest high to this gigantic fucking low in 24 hours. And that was okay. It teaches you. It teaches you. I was used to it already, you know, getting bumped and people telling me they're going to do 10 minutes and they're up there for two hours. So then, you know, I didn't have a, I had a girlfriend. We were kind of at, at war, you know,

we had found a place in Hollywood and it was getting myself familiarized. I got an acting class on Monday nights over on Gardner, on the other side of Sunset behind the Guitar Center. Yeah. I forget what the guy's name was, because after like three weeks on Monday, it was 7 to 10. And after about three or four weeks, the guy said to me, by the way, is anybody a comedian here?

And I didn't say shit. And he goes, I hate fucking comedians. You guys coming here, you think you're the cream of the crop? I can't stand them. The last comic I dealt with was fucking Andrew Dice Clay, and he put a bad taste in my mouth. So I was like, fuck. Now he's doing Woody Allen movies.

So Monday nights was the busiest night in Hollywood at the time. They were fucking, you know. It was the last factory Latino night back. Crazy Monday, whatever it was at the improv,

back. And the comedy store had an open mic. But after 10, you go down there and sign up on Monday. So your goal was to get a triple crown on Monday nights. To get a spot at the improv, to get a spot at the Laugh Factory. So for

months, I would get spots every fucking Monday at the Laugh Factory with Gilbert, Felipe, Willie Barsetta, Carlos Mencia, Pablo Francisco, Carlos Oscar. That was that crew. And then I would go to the comedy store and hang out, you know. I was hanging out in the daytime with doug stanhope i would go to doug's house and write with him and try to learn what the fuck he was doing because he was on a different level in 97 he had turned the face of comedy and that's what i wanted to do i wanted to switch it up a little bit

from the fucking hey how you doing you know i'm saying all that shit so i was hanging out with doug in the daytime and then that circle became doug and mitch so it was me doug and mitch headberg would meet at like two at doug stanhope's on curson and then we'd walk to gorky park i'm talking the russian park i'm going to say this. That's three very different voices of comedy getting together, unlike anything, especially at that time. Even still now. It's still.

Yeah. I'm mad at that time. Especially Mitch Hedberg, too. He's still one of a kind. He is still one of a kind. He was already in Montreal. Yeah. People know who Mitch was.

Doug was tearing up the country. And I was like a feature act, learning from the both of them, just listening to them talk. And we would play tennis. That's when he wrote that joke, I'll never be as good as the wall in tennis. He was a motherfucker. He was.

And then, add to that, he lived on Sierra Bonita next to motherfucker Nick DiPaolo. They were neighbors. And Nick wasn't crazy about Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, I can see that. And the guitar playing. So Nick would bang on the wall and Mitch would tell us, you know, that fucking Nick's in a bad mood today, you know, whatever. But it was something that, like I said, you can hang out with Prye and all this shit. That camaraderie will never happen again.

Yeah. Josh Wolfe was in the circle a lot. I was a lot with Josh in those days. Doug Stanhope lived on Curzon, Mitch Hedberg, and Nick lived on Sierra Bonita. And then there was Gardner. And there was a friend of Doug Stanhope who lived on Gardner. And then Vista was Josh Wolfe. So four blocks in a row, I would just wake up in the morning, go from door to door. I wasn't tight friends with the guy who lived on Gardner.

But one day there was an emergency and he had to leave. And there was a fat guy staying over with Joey Medina. That was a funny guy. He was friends with Doug Stanhope. So Doug Stanhope put him in that building now. And that was Ralphie May. No way. Wow. And that was Ralphie May. No way. So now it was Josh, Ralphie, Nick, Mitch, and Doug Stanhope,

five blocks in a row. That's nuts. I know when I first moved here in 94, we used to get mail. It was off of Sweetser. Sweetser and Fountain, right there. You know? And we would get mailed. It would say Andrew Silverstein.

And it ended up that that was one of Dice's old apartments. And that was, I didn't know until I was a fan. It was Andrew, I believe it was Andrew Clay Silverstein. I think it's his real name. I think it is. And we used to get his fucking mail. And it hit me. I was like, am I really coming here to be a comedian

and I'm in one of Dice's old places? Like, that just, it just was one of those things, like, wow. Because you knew they all lived in that area. If they could, there's the stores there, the improvs here on the left. That's that triangle. It's that little fucking triangle right there. All within what, like, a mile,

mile and a half of each other, tops? Well, Josh Wolf lived in the apartment where Sandler's partner lived when he first moved to L.A. No shit, yeah. He was getting residual checks from that guy for three grand, two grand. Oh, coming to his place? Yeah. The guy wasn't missing but what up i was broke at that time i had a little bit of money left from a deal i got from cbs and i basically moved to la to fulfill this deal it It was a show on CBS called Bronx County. And

after about a month of being in LA, becoming a regular, I mean, you got to remember, I became a regular in LA in less than a month at the store. That's amazing. Amazing. That's a fucking story. I wonder if you might not be

the fastest ever. i won you got to be up there you got to be up there yeah i mean some like rudy moreno was doing a spot to mitzi in the main room for latino night and mitzi made him a regular shit like that right but there's usually like a point that you go up there and you got to hang out before you become a regular. I was there maybe five nights before I became a regular. At that point in my life, I didn't have the mental capacity to hang out. If I'm not working, I'm not there. I always said there's no reason to go to a club and hang out.

Because if you do meet somebody, they're going to ask you, when are you going up? And you're going to go to a club and hang out because if you do meet somebody they're gonna ask you when are you going up and you're gonna go not tonight i'm going up at anthony chang's dumpling palace you know what the fuck are you doing here so that's why i never really hung out everybody always says you gotta hang out and talk to people fuck you you want to talk to somebody join a lonely arts club i'm going out at night to do spots and i remember that every day i would fucking call people to give me spots like you know a couple people had rooms in orange county but the most noticeable guy was rudy moreno yeah he roomed at the brave bull like the store. It was basically three fucking rooms. And he would book three rooms on a Saturday and Friday. I must have called him for a fucking month.

Thought I was blue in the fucking face. And he wouldn't return my calls. So I borrowed a car one night. And I actually went to the Brave Bull. And I go, who's Rudy fucking Moreno? And and i go how fucking day you not call me back i could see if i was some white animal or something but i'm spanish like you and he's like okay okay i'll put you up i love it i love it he's great too i did a lot of his shows at the Ice House early on coming up.

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Now, let's get back to the do. He used to give me three spots a week. I used to torture him and work him. While he was on stage, I'd sit behind the stage and go, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. I was just Rudy. But that particular night,

about a year and a half, maybe like three years earlier, I was at comedy works i did the open mic and the guy that was in charge of comedy works was a fucking sweetheart who actually changed my life around i did a spot i killed three minutes you know and he chased me outside this guy and goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, listen, we both know you're the funniest guy here without even blinking a fucking eye. But you don't take it seriously. He goes, look at the T-shirt you got on. You don't come to none of the writing classes.

You're not involved with us at all. You just come in, blow the room up, and fucking leave. That's great. That'll work, but it ain't going to work for a while. Not for the long run. You got to write jokes, blah, blah, blah. And he told me, he goes, you know, you're a good comic, but this isn't what you want to do.

You're not putting the right work in. You should just quit if you don't want to do this. And I remember I had my hands clenched. I was ready to knock this motherfucker out. Like, look at this guy telling me. And I walked over to the bus and I go, you know what? I am going to fuck him up. And I walked back to the comedy works in Denver and I went downstairs and he wasn't there.

And I remember I took a bus home. And a month later, I got thrown out of the comedy works. It didn't matter. That dude, I bumped into him that night at Rudy's. He was a guy that worked with other comics and helped him. At this time, he was working with Brian Dunkelman. Yeah. And he was bringing Brian down before American Idol.

I don't know what it was. So I went up on stage and I had a follow on like a top headliner. He's gone now. Tommy Drake or something. Tommy something. He used to be like a detective. I like my women. I like my coffee with two tits.

All that shit. You know, I never heard. He was a funny dude. I had seen evening at the improv a bunch of times. He would long detective jacket like a hat. Yeah. You know, all that type of I was talking to this day. He blew up the fucking room.

I was my knees were fucking. But then I said to myself, fuck this. That type of shit. He blew up the fucking room. My knees were fucking buckling. But then I said to myself, fuck this dude. I'm at the Comedy Store every fucking night following savages. At the time, there weren't the savages there were when I was there. But there were savages. You know, to be at the store after 1030, you got to be a fucking savage. And brother, I went up there and took that room apart at the brave bull limb by fucking limb and i got off and rudy goes you come down whenever the fuck you want

just clean it up a little bit and as i passed by rudy i saw that guy matt that was his name matt and he goes what the fuck was that and at point, I accepted what he said to me, and I pulled him aside, and I go, you don't know how lucky you were that night of losing a fucking eye. I go, I'm a fucking nut, and you destroyed me that night as a human being. But when I got home, I thought about what your words were, and you were right, and you're the reason why I'm here tonight. So thank you. And he gave me a big hug

and I never saw him again. Matt Woods. Great comic. He came up with Matt Berry, Roseanne, Todd Jordan, Rick Kearns. They were fucking, you know, when one of the country guys,

Larry the Cable Guy, wanted material, he bought all of Denver Comics materials. Oh, is that right? Yeah, they were great writers. All those guys. Rittenhouse with the hook. Yeah. The guy that had the hook up on stage. Fucking brilliant writer, that motherfucker.

So it was great. It was great to see him. But after I saw that guy and after I knew I could do it, because before you come to L.A., you hear all these negative things from comics when you go on the road. You know, don't go to L.A. You got to be a fag.

You got to suck dick. Nobody will put you on stage. Here I am, three fucking months, and I'm getting love everywhere. I got love at the improv before I got love at the store. I was already getting spot. There was a guy there named Cooper who was

talent coordinator who was a drunk great guy and he saw me do a Latino night and he made me a regular and that now isn't at the laugh factory. So it was I was rocking and fucking rolling three months in now it was time to shoot the pilot the director of this pilot for cbs they gave three million dollars so i thought this show was definitely gonna work you know the director was

the guy who played the doctor in jail when the guy from The Sopranos was in prison. Wait. Remember Johnny Sack went to prison? Johnny Sack, yeah. Johnny Sack was in prison. There was a guy with glasses that was fucking making his bed and all that shit. That's the guy? That guy is a badass.

He's also in Eyes Wide Shut that dude he's been in a thousand things he directed it so when I got there I was playing a bartender that had he gave information to the cops he was the eyes and ears of the neighborhood

he was a Spanish guy in the Bronx you know and I remember going to the rehearsals and every time I would say a word or I'd act, people would shake their head. I was bad, Ryan Sickler. So it was like two weeks of rehearsals.

Every time I came in, my lines got shorter. Wait, hold on. You would see them shake their heads when you would do your line that's brutal that's brutal seeing them out there just like god damn

it was terrible you know I had never acted before I'd probably taken three or four acting classes by then I was a lot better than a lot of other people because I watched a lot of TV but Three or four acting classes by then. I was a lot better than a lot of other people because I watched a lot of TV. So every time I went in, like Monday when I got there, it was nine pages of science. When I got there Tuesday, it was down to eight.

Wednesday, there was eight again, but it was because they erased words and they made me just act like a fucking deaf mute. Like, hmm, hmm. Like, you know. Changing your whole character now. I went deaf in like fucking two weeks. By the last week, I was down to like two lines. Like, what are you drinking?

What are you drinking? That's all this motherfucker's saying. Oh my God god I was so fucking bad and for the guys at home to let you know man you gotta work at it you know and I remember by the time we shot the pilot

the fucking they were down to one line like what do you guys have that was it and there was rumors that the show got picked up they weren't gonna pick me up they were gonna rehire somebody else that's when i started stealing wardrobes and shit when i know i'm not coming back i start stealing shirts and underwear i was living on cocaine so So I either bought underwear. I bought cocaine.

So I did everything fucking commando. I had holes in my socks. I didn't give a fuck. I'm snorting coke and I'm being a comic. By the time I shot that pilot, I was down to one fucking line. And I remember at the end when I was leaving, everybody was talking to me. They're like, yeah, see you. And everybody else is saying, see you soon.

Not me. They're like, see you. Good luck. I left there fucking cracked. So I said, fuck it. I had this crazy girlfriend, a stripper, that used to let me choke her and light her pussy on fire. So I was up in her house, up in the valley. But at that time, Josh Wolf gave me a car that belonged to a casting director that she lent it to him while she was out of town.

And I started getting tickets on this motherfucker. I was getting tickets all over Hollywood. That little black chick with the fuck was chasing me all over Hollywood. You know what I'm talking about? In the white car, that bitch is angry. She has to fix the fucking Nixon administration. So, I'm

driving this chick's car and I'm getting tickets everywhere. I got camouflage on the car. I'm putting leaves on it in fucking Hollywood. I come out of somewhere, I still get a fucking ticket. I probably have 50 fucking tickets. And I go up to this girl's house.

I get the pilot. They just give me like 10 grand for the fucking week. I'm going to go see my girlfriend up there. Well, she wasn't my girlfriend at the time. We had dated for four years. Now we were just fucking. She was a dirty whore, but I loved her. What are you going to do?

And, uh, I'm in there. We took a shower. I gave her a stab in the shower. And when I came out, my car was towed. I was towed.

And they told that lady's car. And they just said, my, Oh, without a fucking, without a title. So they took everything. They took my fucking my house got cold.

Because at the time I was living in my house. Ralphie May. And they used to say your house got cold. Everything. Headshots. Demo reels. Fucking clothes. Boxing gloves.

A Frisbee. A Frisbee. A Frisbee. A Frisbee. All right, wait. I have to stop you for a second because Segura told me this story, and I'm jumping way forward because you're talking about how bad you were at acting. But you did The Sopranos movie, and I just want to hear this story real quick. I think it was Segora that told me this

about your scene with de niro you had a scene with de niro yeah and did he just you were you were pretty like holy shit i'm sitting here with fucking bobby de niro that was grudge match oh it was on grudge match he did that tell me that stuff because we're talking let's real quick let's give you some love go from watching people shake their heads at you delivering your lines to having a scene with De Niro. I said Sopranos, grudge match. Tell me, what did he say to you when you sat with him? Because what are you, sitting across from him?

Yeah, well, there was a couple things. De Niro don't say much. You got to beat him to get something out of him. So I don't know what story he told you because I don't know. About this, I know. I know. He touched your hand. Like, I know.

I know. That one. Oh, yeah. What happened is, you know, I went when I got to New Orleans. I got there and I always read that Gene Hackman would always go straight to the set. He would never go in his dressing room. And I thought that was interesting. And I read something by Gene Hackman that said he wanted to always be close to the action.

So when I got to New Orleans, I packed my shit in the room, and I ran out of there. And I went to wardrobe. And then from there, I go, where's the set? And they go, down the block. We'll give you a ride. They go, you're not shooting. I go, I just want to go see. And when I got there, it go, where's the set? And they go, down the block. We'll give you a ride. They go, you're not shooting. I go, I just want to go see, you know? And when I got there, it was LL Cool J.

And he was in the thing. They were getting ready. And all of a sudden, De Niro came in. And LL Cool J and De Niro are hugging each other. You know, they're hugging and kissing and fucking telling each other stories. I'm 30 feet away. I'm just watching, bro, trying to learn something. And they're like, all right, let's do this, guys.

And they're talking 20 minutes, you know. They say action. Manero walks up to fucking LL Cool J. And LL Cool J starts stuttering like fucking, you know, like Spider. I mean, cut. Action. Let's do it again. Action.

Second take. Again. Fuck. I can't remember my lines. Cut. You know, and it was, and I noticed him. I go, what the fuck was that? I mean, LL Cool J was rehearsing when I got here.

They rehearsed the scene like five times. What is going on? I didn't think about it. The next day I get there, and sure enough, I sit down in the chair, and they come over, and they go, you meet Bobby? Yeah. I met him and analyzed that.

I shake his hand. How you doing? Good to see you. You want to rehearse one time? Yeah, we rehearsed one time. It's just one fucking line. And it went smoother than fuck. And the next time, sure enough,

action, the cameras are on. He comes up to me, bro, and I look at his face. And you just don't see Bob Deera. You see Jimmy Conway. Yeah. The guy from Taxi Driver. You see the guy from fucking.... The guy from Taxi Driver. You see the guy from...

Raging Bull. Raging Bull. You see the guy from the hunting movie when he goes to Vietnam. You get Christopher Walken. You see this guy, and all of a sudden, you just fucking... It's like you fizz out. You just hear the plug get pulled. You don't know who the fuck it is.

And I was really, I was very self-conscious. I go, hey, Robert, I'm sorry. And he, like, grabbed my hand. He's like, I know. I know. It's going to be all right. He knows. He knows.

Everybody's got his shit. He knows that you're sitting here with Robert fucking De Niro, he knows he knows everybody thought it was some shit he knows that you're sitting here with Robert fucking De Niro and it's gonna take you a minute

but don't because it's to him with a thousand people amazing that's reaction to her like

breaking down don't worry man you know like I've done it with names who are fucking practical

because once you see his face you just you don't even know what line to go yeah you know

Goldman gets his shine box you don't know what the fuck really fucking interesting and then I you know after that movie I got into a high end

acting class I got into a Vantage of it because she had just won an Academy Award with Holly Berry and then she won one the next year with Charlize Theron. So everybody said she was really good

and she was very good for character acts. You know? It was weird because when you first move to Hollywood, you win some pretty big battles, but as you know, you lose pretty big battles. Oh, yeah. And my internal battle at that time was I couldn't get representation. I had a manager when I first got to town. Great guy.

I want to take this business after your house was stolen. You're still having trouble getting representation and all this stuff then? Yeah, I was having a hard time. I had this guy Ken Phillips for a while. Ken was a good guy. In fact, when I

first got to the store, like weeks into the store, I don't know what's going on. I'm fucking flat broke. I'm living hand to mouth, you know. And there's two fucking wannabe guidos at the store talking about their bookmaker. Right? Their bookmaker's

blah, blah, blah, you know. I think they were friends with one of the Italian guys up there. And they're like, if you ever want to put in the action, you know, let us know. Here's our number. And I go, sure. You know, I never thought about it. One day I need money to do coke that weekend.

And I'm like, I like this fucking game tonight. If I could just get a book. And I go, oh, shit. I know a book. Those guys, they lived down La Cienega right before you hit Santa Monica Boulevard. So I called them up. I love you. Remember? Yeah. The Cuban kid right before you hit Santa Monica Boulevard. So I called him up. I go, I don't know if you remember. Yeah, the Cuban kid.

How you doing? Yeah, good. I go, listen, I want to put in. I put in like a $250 bet. If I won, I collect. If I lose, I tell you to go fuck yourself. You know, this was. And I didn't want to do this in L.A.

I didn't want to bring that part of my world into L.A., you know. But I needed money, and I did. And I put the bet in on a Monday that it was Houston. I love this. You always remember this. Go ahead. Tell me. I was like 25.

You couldn't even write this shit. So the next day, I called the guys and I go, hey, I want to collect. And they go, come by. And I go, okay. And I go down there, and the guy says, what we're going to do is just give you 50 bucks. And I go, what are you talking about? It's 250. I forget what it was.

And he goes, well, we charge you $100 fee to join us and then $100 deposit. And then you're good for the season. You know, and I'm like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? And they go, this is the way we do it. If you don't like it, get the fuck out of here. And I go, really? And I went right next door.

Ken Phillips lived like the building next door, right by the 7-Eleven, across the 7-Eleven on La Cienega. There's a jiu-jitsu school in there. No, there still is. Hollywood jiu-jitsu. And I'll never forget. Went over to Ken Phillips' house. And he had like a 9mm.

And I go, Ken, I need to borrow your gun. He goes, for what? I go, I want to shoot a scene for a movie. They want me to shoot it. He goes, what movie? I haven't heard from nobody. I go, I'll tell you tomorrow. Let me just shoot this scene.

I got to walk out of a car and point a gun in the bushes. That wasn't why I needed the gun. I was going next door. I didn't have no bullets in the gun. So I'm like, this is going to get fucked up. You know, I walk next door. I knock on the door. The guy's like, what do you want?

I fucking rip out the gun. I go, listen, man, I've been putting bets in for 30 fucking years nobody has ever asked me for a fucking deposit or a fucking fee a membership i want my 200 i was shooting it out and this motherfucker dog i was more scared than ever i thought these guys were going to shoot me. The one kid basically started crying. Crying. Basically started crying. I was like, Jesus Christ. This fucking California is filled with...

Guy had tattoos, gold chains. You know, he was in the mafia. He barely started fucking crying. Please put it away. I'll give you the money. I gave him the money. He goes, you're never allowed to bet with us again better not see you at the store

you fucking thieves that's how crazy I was when I got to the store and then it slowed you know I didn't want to fuck up in California but in my heart I thought that my plan for California was simple this is it

I'm going to stay here until I fail so bad I thought that my plan for California was simple. This is it. I'm going to stay here until I fail so bad. Because I got to leave like everywhere else I lived. You believed you were going to fail? Did you really believe that here, though? Yes. You did. Even though I was a regular at the store and had all those things going for me, trust me. I've had a ton of things going for me before.

I've been known to blow shit, but for some reason I didn't want to blow this. You know, I was a fucking street hustler. I can make, I get anything. I can sell you anything on the street. So if I pull up to get a check and I see five cases,

a Jack Daniels, I just fucking see a Colombian. You know what I'm saying? Like I would just see a Colombian with a mink jacket on, you know, I never stole nothing from the store. I never, I never really wanted to cause, and I got into fistfights up there. I bombed a lot up there. Like I still remember in the beginning, up there. I bombed a lot up there. I still remember in the beginning, getting in my car and just crying and driving on sunset and going, that's the last time I'll be doing a spot there. Once Mitzi hears about that bombing, she's going to fucking, I'm not good enough. But sure enough, the next week, I would get a fucking call. Whether it's saving more and spending less, getting organized or losing weight, there's a lot of worthwhile goals to set for yourself this year.

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And I also had a great commercial agent, the best ones. I had Sutton Barton Minari. And this was all taken care of in the first six months that I was here. I had Sutton, Barton, and Ari. I had a manager. And I was a regular at all three clubs. And I didn't really fucking know where I was going. You're just trying to figure out. I'm talking to agents every night.

I'm watching them at clubs, talking to other people, watching these other fucking stiff comics. So one day I got a call from Sutton, Barton, and Ari, and they want to start sending me out for commercial auditions. They made me do like an hour workshop at the agency, and they started sending me out. My first

audition was for Church's Chicken on Sunset Boulevard. Again, you're so naive you think you're gonna fucking get something you know and i kept going auditions they i don't in those days ryan you were going to three commercial auditions a day that's how different the budget was back then like times you were going on three commercial auditions a day. You were probably hitting 13 auditions a week and maybe two, three actual auditions a week. That is what it was.

I would get a call Friday that I had a commercial audition Monday at 11. By the time I was leaving that audition on Monday, he would call me another audition. 115. Go to whatever and go show him this. Oh, you got a 515 downtown LA. It was fucking amazing.

And we didn't know how lucky we were. We had no idea that that was as good as it was going to get. Ever going to get. Ever going to get. We were complaining that I can't book nothing. And I kept going. I kept going. I kept going auditions. I had already

a TV show under my belt. But I couldn't get an audition for a movie. Well, I'm lying to you. Judy Brown called me in for an audition for the Jenny McCarthy show to be Chaz Palm and Terry's driver

okay she just thanked me for coming in thank you that means you suck yeah I'm not mad at Judy Brown she thought of me and I had auditioned for a Robert De Niro movie with Marky Wahlberg.

It was the Vinnie Curdo story. And I'll never forget that. Vinnie Curdo gave me a line on her and I was so aggressive back then. Like I wanted to go in for an audition that every Sunday night I would write her a letter by hand with a

picture and a resume and tickets to the comedy store and the improv. And I would tell her I would have spots there during the week, call up, you know. And I'll never forget when I finally went in to see her after I died in the fucking room. You know, I didn't know what I was doing. She goes, oh, by the way,

Ryan, can I tell you that she actually gave me a box of letters? you know I didn't know what I was doing she goes oh by the way Ryan can I tell you that she actually gave me a box of letters I had sent her a box of letters she could it was just fucking folders I would send her the 8x10s

she gave me a box how many I gave her there must have been 40 envelopes. She opened up the first one, didn't open up the rest of them. She told me that was very aggressive, and that's good that you're doing that. She goes, I'm not mad at you, but some people will get mad at you. But keep doing that. And I made a mental note, you know.

So finally, I get a fucking call from Sutton Barkham and Ari, and they want me to read for this fucking tremendous. He was like the director of the year for SAG, for commercials. And he was shooting a Taco Bell commercial in fucking Miami. So I'm like, what? I get to shoot a commercial, get paid, get my dicks up, and start some cocaine. I'm fucking in.

So I go down. I'll never forget. I went down there on a Thursday, and they fucking loved me. They called me back on Friday. I went down there on Friday and rocked them, and they called me right after that, and they said, you're working Monday, 4th of July. You get double rate, whatever.

Kishka was his name or something. He goes, you booked a role as a taxi driver. All right. So Saturday, I had to go to wardrobe. They paid me for that. I stole a T-shirt. You know me, dog. Yeah, I know.

I used to love wardrobe because I would steal everything, right? So. I love it. So, yeah, they called me Monday, 7 o'clock call down at Abbot County in Marina Del Rey. Yeah. And we're there by the park. They built something on it now. I call down at Abbot Kenny in Marina Del Rey. Yeah. And we're there by the park. They built something on it now.

It used to be a park, and down the corner was the fucking pizza on the bagel bread and shit. It's still there. Good pizza down there. Anyway, I get down there Monday morning, and they're waiting for me. And they pull me aside, and they go, Joey, we're really sorry about this. You did great. But out of the three commercials, your commercial got canned.

But they go, listen, never fear. Sit here for three days. We're going to give you 2,000 bucks for three days. You know, 680 a day, whatever they pay you. Plus overtime. Eat our food and go home on Wednesday. All right? Don't get mad.

You know, you can read whatever you want. You can take a walk. Do whatever the fuck you want. I was like. You're getting a paid vacation now. Yeah, I was a little depressed. Yeah. So not 10 minutes after that, a guy comes up to me sweetheart of a guy his name is

Buzz Bermuda old school comic from the comedy store in fact he had moved on he was there with Mitzi in the fucking beginning he knew everybody you know his wife was an agent and he was a writer and he had taken to writing so

you know he was just doing commercials and stuff like that he becomes my friend on the set and he's got a commercial a taco bell they're shooting three of them but now we're down to two it's the first ones ever with the dog. Yeah. Yo quiero Taco Bell. That one. First ones ever. So Monday I go down there. I worked the day. I remember going back home, going to the comedy store,

just being happy that I'm shooting something, you know. Tuesday I go there. I'm bullshitting with everybody at lunchtime. I'm fucking telling stories at the lunch table, cracking jokes director grabs me after lunch and he goes, hey man stay close to me

all day I want you to change and stay close to me he goes, I left the wardrobe in your room he goes, I got a spot in this commercial, I want to see if we can get you in there nice so there was also another comedian. I forget his great guy. He was a SAG extra on the job, which is not a bad job. It's 300 a day to be a SAG extra.

So we're talking with bullshit and the director comes over, he goes, Joe, you get in the scene. And I get in the scene. I'm there playing dominoes in the scene, Buzz is in the scene, and the guy is shining my shoes. We're supposed to be in Miami. The guy, I got white shoes on, the whole thing. I shoot with them, we have a great time, the dog walks by. We go home. The dog walks by.

Isn't it Carlos that does the voice, right? Walks by. We go home. That's it. Walks by. Wasn't, isn't it Carlos? I can't, that does the voice, right? I always fuck his last name up. Alza Rock. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I go home. I'm very excited that I'm getting $2,000 a month. Now I can front some coke. You know what I'm saying?

I got some fucking wiggle room and shit. And one day, out of nowhere, I open up my mailbox and there's a letter from the advertising firm that booked us. And in there there's a fucking check

for scale. And they go, Joey, thank you very much. You know, we're going to start airing your commercial next week. And I'm like, what? What fucking commercial? And they're like, we kept you in the commercial. You look great, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh, shit.

But I get a call. No, I didn't get a check. I'm lying to you. I just got a letter. Then my buddy Buzz calls me up, this sweetheart of a man. And he goes, Joey, did you get the letter? And I go, yeah. And he goes, fuck, I guess we didn't get into the commercial.

What are you going to do with your check? And I go, oh, nothing. And he goes, yeah, they didn't put me in the commercial. I got cut from it. I was in the commercial, and he got cut. didn't put me in the commercial I got cut from it I was in the commercial and he got cut it was his original commercial so they sent him a separate check

and left you in goodbye check you know what I'm saying we fucked you in the ass c'est la vie cocksucker and they gave me the commercial you know I made $80,000 from August 5th to December 31st.

Did you just say $80,000? $80,000. Holy fuck. I made $140,000 off that commercial. Dog, I couldn't check the cash. I couldn't cash the checks fast enough. $140,000 all in all in man that's a great one those were everywhere too everywhere well that was the first set so they didn't know how

popular they were going to be right so they kept fucking they didn't know when to shoot again so my commercial ran during the world series yeah don't forget being in clark tennessee at an army base and watching my commercial on fucking doing the world series and shit you know i was really excited about that but yeah i ended up making 140 and then it was a commercial of the year and all the tv stations would vote it in and play the commercial so i would get a check from that. Residuals on that bitch. Wow. But then I was getting residuals on the residuals and shit. No, you're a bad motherfucker.

That is a hell of a fucking deal. Because these days you don't even get that. You get like a buyout. They don't even think they give you points or anything anymore. You just get like a motherfucking buyout thank you very much see you later man carlos must have made a motherfucking killing on that thing then bro that dude bought two houses i believe it and then uh interesting because i was getting to know my way around LA. Everybody was broke. We were all struggling. You know, Ralphie, me, Josh.

You know, the people that you see today that are rocking and rolling, if they were around in 97 and 98, they were fucking struggling. There was no Whitney. There was no D'Elia. It was Rogan was young. Ralphie's gone. Ralphie's gone.

Brody's gone. Ari was there. Ari was there. Duncan was there. You know, a lot of fucking, it was an interesting time in comedy in LA. And I was just, I don't know, you know, you got to remember when I tell you I made it under 40,000, I didn't have an apartment. It's not like I was buying cars and buying clothes. It was a party for me.

My life was the comedy store, getting a gram of two a Coke and ending up in a hotel, sucking and fucking with a dirty waitress or some chick from a show or something. It was just, it was fun. It was fun. I still remember living with Danny Kelly for a while on Sunset, which is like three blocks before Vista, and leaving his house with no money and fucking walking into the gas station and just putting my hand behind the counter and taking a pack of cigarettes.

There was no fucking paying. I would just take a pack of cigarettes. There was no fucking paying. I would just take a pack of cigarettes. You know, I would take a fucking soda. And it was just a scam every day. And if I didn't have money, Josh would feed me. If Josh didn't feed me, Ralphie May would feed me.

Doug Stanhope would feed you. You know, looking back at it today, I don't know how he made it. I don't know how he... And. I don't know how we... And then once me and my girlfriend broke up, the stripper, I really didn't have no way to stay. So I lived in that car for a while. I stayed at Josh's couch.

And when I went on the road, I got a hotel. That's when I could cut my toenails and buff out the skin under my nutsack. Until then, you're roughing it. But dog, I still remember getting coked out of coaching horses and walking the business. That was a great rock and roll bar coaching horse. And just getting in my

car and pulling the seat back and opening up the sunroof and putting a blanket on. And that was it. That was my world. And I was happy as fuck. I was happy as fuck because I was in it to win it. You know, I was fucking in it to win it.

But, you know, after she left, I had more action at the store. Me and my girlfriend broke up up at the end of 99. And I was living in a hotel on Shrader, where that place is where people do comedy now. You know that place where people come from all over the world and stay there? When you travel abroad. Oh, the hostel. The hostel used to be a crack that's where i was staying there when i got the movie basketball really yeah so what happened was i'm still with ken phillips i shoot the commercial blah blah blah and then ken phillips calls me one day and he goes there's an agency that's interested in you I go who

APA UTA CAA and he goes no the coloring book that's what a kid's age that was the name of the company dog you want you want to add insult to injury yeah they were a fucking kids agency but she

was growing to character actors and I was her first adult your resume was all They were a fucking kids agency. But she was growing to character actors. And I was her first adult. Your resume was all different papers. Like you had to make your resume on like pink, yellow, blue or orange paper. And you had to be that be different colors. It was a nightmare getting your I used to go to Dr fu you know the chinese guy next to uh next to the mexican restaurant they used to make copies for you there and i used to go in there and make

100 copies she was a great lady she was black her and her partner were black it was a black agency i mean i mean that's how bad things were i couldn't even find a white agent to sign it it was a black agent that signed me they were a kids agent the hits just keep coming guys I don't want you to think that anybody gave me anything so here I am with the coloring book I still remember being behind the comedy store

and people are like I'm with Dersh I'm with like whatever I'm with the coloring book alright top suckers I'm with the coloring book alright cocksuckers here I am with the fucking coloring book different color fucking resumes and shit yeah people you run out of paper nah man that's all these people complaining shit i'm playing it all out for you right now so i get a call one day i've got in fact white pd blue

and i got a fucking call back wow that. That was the shit at the time. That was a groundbreaking show. They were breaking all the rules with camera work and everything else. That was great. So I had gone in for Libby Goldstein, great lady, and I read for NYPD Blue, and I got a call back, but I was too nervous. My hand was shaking at the call back. I didn't get it.

And then I got an audition a few weeks later for some fucking TV show on Fox as some Mexican fucking gambler or something. And I ate a bag of dicks and I had to go all the way up to the Bosco building at Fox. It's fucking out there. It's like an eight mile fucking walk. So I went to read that I had this bum audition. So I'm fucking furious. I'm walking back to the Bosco building. And as I'm walking past the door, a little lady with glasses pops out and it's Libby. And she looks at me, and she goes, Joey, are you here for the audition?

I guess. I was there for a different audition. I was walking past her door. She just happened to open it, and I was standing there. I wasn't there for her audition. I didn't even know what the fuck she was talking about. I told her, yeah. She told me to sign in, and she gave me a sheet.

And I'm reading this sheet over and over and over. It's just two or three lines. Well, it was the movie Basketball. Yeah, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, South Park guy. The dog, I read for it. Nobody said nothing. I walked out of there furious because I had to walk eight miles back to the car. And I didn't book nothing.

One day I'm at that fucking hostel. And I hear, Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz, you got a phone call. And I'm like watching daytime television. I go, Joey Diaz? That's me. I go, what? He goes, you got a phone call.

I run downstairs. And it's Ken Phillips. And he goes, hey, man, congratulations. You booked that movie, Basketball. And I go, what are you talking about? And they go, you booked it. You got to work on a movie. You got to roll as a ref.

You're going to work for $5,500 a week for a couple of weeks. I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? And he goes, here's the address. You got to be there tomorrow at 7. And I went down there. It was a dream come true, Jack. Dude, you're living in a hostel and driving to a movie set. That's amazing. On an audition that just was happenstance, literally.

You're not even there for that. No, and I got the the job and i had a joint sag and i didn't have a dime i didn't have a fucking dime so i called danny robinson at apa and i go danny i'm a friend of doug stanhope you know i knew danny and i go you gotta help me i got this movie and i don't have the at that time it was twelve $1,200 to join SAG. And they tapped Hartley, it's called. They put you right in, but they take that $12,000. The first time, they tapped Hartley. The second time, you got to play the play.

Oh, really? I thought once you were in, you were in. No. Okay. The first one is free. We'll let you get a free one. The next one, a commercial, movie, TV show, you got to pay. I didn't have no $12.50.

I called Danny Robinson. He called me back. He goes, I took care of it. The production company is going to pay. I was like, this ain't happening. So I fucking go down there. And the first day, I don't know what's going on. They give me scripts and shit and wardrobe. I don't know what's going on. They give me scripts and shit and wardrobe.

I don't know what the fuck they're talking about, Ryan. And finally, I get to put it together. You know, I was taking an acting class. I go, okay, I see what I got to do. And every day, I'm a comic, dog. I want to work. I want to get the fuck out of here, whatever we want to do. So I would go down there and ask them, am I working today?

They go, no, no, no, come back tomorrow. But stay here, we might need you today. But the most thing I remember is the roller skates. They gave us roller skates, roller blades. And one day I said, let me take a box of these. They were like size 14. Nobody's going to know.

And I stopped over by Sports Chalet and they're like, we'll give you a buck 20 for them. Yeah, they fired. I gave them a pair. And I'm like, I'll be back tomorrow, Doug. Every day, I would steal a fucking pair of roller skates. All right? Every day.

The 14s, the 13s. I kept the 12 for me. Then I stole the 11s. And I just 12 for me, then I stole the 11s, and I just went backwards. Dog, I didn't even notice it. I was just walking into the trailer, taking a box, and just putting it in my car

and going home, stopping at Ski Chalet. One morning, I'm out with Jimmy Two Shoes. We hook up like on a fucking Saturday night, and we're still going on Sunday. We're still going into Monday morning. He drives me home at 5 and I got to be on the set at 7.30.

This is after four or five weeks on the set. Nobody's even talking to me. I'm just going in there to steal a pair of roller skates every day. I got to free lunch. I fucking

get to the set and they're like, Joey, clean up. You're first up. I'm drinking rum, vodka. I got my sugar

in the pills in me. I got more cocaine than Columbia. And I got to go fucking shoot. And I remember that by that time I hadn't even sold

my skates. They're like, where are your skates? I go, I haven't had skates skates. They're like, where are your skates? I go, I haven't had skates in weeks. They stole my skates. And then they're out there. All the skates are missing. People with a size 9 and blisters because they had to put a size 7 on and shit.

I fucked that setup, dog. And I thought they knew it was me that popped all that roller skates. So when they called me six months later, they're like, hey, you made it to the movie. What name do you want? I'm like, really? I made it to the movie? And then I had to pay a roller. I was going to wear roller skates for the premiere just to bust their balls.

I was like, they didn't even invite me to the fucking premiere. I didn't get any. I had no roller skates. I was like, they didn't even invite me to the fucking premiere. I didn't get any, I had no roller skates. I'm lying to you guys, but I must've stolen 40 sets of fucking. God. There was no fucking roller skates left when I got through that movie, but my daughter's walking in the door.

Can we do this again in two weeks? Of course. That's where we're at. Well, hold on. Let me, let me just time stamp this so we ended in 1999 you just rapped on the basketball or you've just made it into the basketball movie that's where we're going to pick up next time i love you thank you so much is there anything you want to promote, plug, anything at all? Just my reefer, cocksuckers. Laughing Gas at the ice cream shop in Ventura.

They got a new weed called Rainbow Ruts. It's 37%. It'll fucking kill you. We got the best bags in the business. This is yours? Yeah. It's called Coco. There's five different flavors.

Coco, Rainbow Ruts, Sashimi, Fendous, and there's another one. I don't know. What's your favorite? Rainbow Ruts. Rainbow Ruts. All right, brother. Stony. Stony. Cotton Mouth. All right. Are these all Indicas, Sativas? What are they? Indicas and hybrids. All right, great.

I love it. I'm going to go get some. We're going to make a field trip out there. I love you, brother. I love you, too. And thank you for doing this. We'll pick it up again. Go ahead.

I'm very proud of you. I love you, brother. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.