The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joey Diaz - Life After Dew

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Joey Diaz! Joey returns to continue the saga! We pick up Highlighting the Lowlights in June of 95! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: COORS PURE Coors Pure is the perfect beer to celebrate the wins of everyday life. So when you want to enjoy a beer while without the guilt, reach for Coors Pure. It’s organic, but chill about it. Go to CoorsPure.com/HONEYDEW to see where you can find Coors Pure! “Celebrate Responsibly” and “Coors Brewing Company, Albany, Georgia” EXPRESS VPN Protect yourself at EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW. Use my link at EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW to get three extra months free. UPSTART Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. That’s UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. Don’t forget to use my URL to let them know I sent you! KEEPS If you’re ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to KEEPS.COM/HONEYDEW to receive your first month of treatment for free. That’s KEEPS.COM/HONEYDEW.

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The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Coors Pure and ExpressVPN. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. I got some announcements to make. All right. Night Pants Nation Tour is underway here in September. We're kicking off the 16th through the 18th of September. I'll be at the Phoenix House of Comedy. All right. September 30th through October 2nd, I'll be in Indy at Helium.

That's a great club. Vegas, I'll be with Tom Segura October 8th and 9th in Vegas, and I'll be at the Bray Improv October 28th. More dates we're adding. More will be added. I'll let you know. We'll keep it all up to date. You can go to RyanSickler.com for any and all information about me, tour dates, all

that stuff. Okay? If you subscribe to the email list, you'll definitely get a blast to remind you. All right? The YouTube. Thank you, guys. I can't tell you, like, to see this community grow the way it's growing and people say what can we do the easiest thing you can do is just subscribe i know so many of you watch just

hit subscribe it means nothing to you and everything to us so do that it's a huge help if you can afford it the patreon is five bucks a month all right and if you sign up for a year you get over a month free you get the entire back catalog of the Honeydew with y'all, where I do the Honeydew with y'all. And you get the Honeydew a day early ad free, no additional charge. It's $5, and it's worth it. I'm not dogging it. I'm not taking shortcuts. I'm doing full episodes with you guys, and they are amazing.

And the stories just keep fucking coming. Ringtones are available, okay? Here's the deal. This is what you got to do. They're on iTunes. You go to the iTunes store. You search my name. You click tones, okay?

You can absolutely go to my website, RyanSickler.com, and click on the ringtones link there and go buy these damn ringtones. I don't know why the fuck you want them, but they're out there for you. OK, something else I want to announce here. If you're still listening to this part and you don't fucking jump through the beginning, you're going to hear something pretty cool. Ash, my main man, Ash, the guy behind the fucking not only behind the storytellers, he's behind the honeydew. So, uh, he is moving to Austin with the YMH crew and I'm looking for a producer. Okay. Not only for

this show, but I've got, uh, two shows we do here, the Patreon and the honeydew, and I also have some other ones coming up. So, um, it, and listen, I don't need marketing. I don't need graphics. I don't need audio. I need editors, producers, people that can do both. I hate the term predator. So I'm going to say producer editor. You should never call yourself a fucking predator.

Take the long route on that one. Not everything needs to be a fucking nickname. All right. You're a producer and editor. All right. Looking for those people that are familiar with the podcast familiar with podcasting if you are interested send a resume it's a honeydew podcast at gmail.com and put in the subject honey do work something like that all right it's that easy all right also very excited for this, too. We got some athletes. Everybody's sponsoring these D1 athletes.

I don't want any fucking D1 athletes. I want the D2s, the Jucos, the people out there that aren't even in a D. All right? Right now, we've got our first two honeydew athletes, y'all. We got Caden Wood. He is a D2 pitcher at Seton Hill not to be confused with Seton Hall y'all but they went to the College World Series I got this kid named Marcus Everett

who's a fisherman but he's a bow fisherman and the dude is out there slaying these Bassmaster tournaments alright so if you're an athlete and don't come at me with some sideways bullshit okay you gotta be good alright if you're good wherever the fuck you are you're not gonna wherever the fuck you are,

you're not going to tell all Juco over here, let me get a bowler. Let me get a guy who's throwing darts. Any frisbee motherfucking golf? Whatever. Whatever you're out there doing, submit it over here again, honeydoopodcast at gmail.com. Put honeydoathlete, and let's see if we can maybe sponsor you up, all right? Now now all that's out of the way and you all know what we do here we highlight the low lights and this is a special saga within the honey dude that i'm really excited to keep bringing and i'm very glad that he could make it here today ladies and gentlemen please welcome back to the honeydew the one and only joey diaz y'all welcome back to the honeydew what's happening brother it Joey Diaz, y'all. Welcome back to the honeydew.

What's happening, brother? It's so good to see you, man. You look good. You really do look good. You got a little sun kiss there. You out there with the family in the summer jersey sun? Fucking tremendous. You look good.

It really is tremendous. I go to this city pool. It's like a pool for the town. You got to see this fucking place. I mean, it's basketball court. Yeah, you were telling me. Baseball court, fucking three pools, slides for the kids, great food. So, like, when I finish up here with you, I'll shoot over there and run in the pool for a while, cool off.

And I'm out of there by 3 30 they have an old man section it's perfect they got fucking you know it's it's it's kids up to like 11 yeah and then it just drops off to old people because if you're 15 and over you go down the shore yeah you're not fucking around at the pool yet. Nah, so I'm good at the fucking pool. The shore is a fucking madhouse. Yeah. But I'm good at the fucking pool. How you doing?

I'm good, man. Everything is great. I can't complain at all. I'm healthy. Things are going well. I got you back. And speaking of summer, we're picking up in June of 1990. Wait, what year did we start in what year did we actually

start your birth year is what when were you born who the fuck no 63 63 we're only 30 couple years in we're only in 1995 i love it all right so june of 95 is where uh pick up. You had just talked about, I think you just had your daughter, right? Or no, no, you. No, not 90. No. Go ahead. You take it. June of 95 was when I decided that my relationship with my daughter wasn't going to work.

Got it. I had gone up to Detroit to do Joey's Comedy Club and I met a girl. I had been without a girlfriend for a long time. I was just having little affairs and stuff. And I met a girl in Michigan and she came to visit me in Boulder right after that. And we hit it off and she was moving to Seattle. me in Boulder right after that. And we hit it off and she was moving to Seattle. So from Boulder, she went to Seattle, like in beginning of June. And I thought about what was going on in my life at the time, you know, and my wife hooked up with a husband and, you know, they were trying to start

a family and I wanted to be a comedian really bad. And I had my job at the sports betting service. So I said, you know what? Let me go on the road. Let me pack my shit in storage. Give up this apartment. There's no reason for me to pay for this apartment. And let me go to Seattle for the summer.

Okay. So this is how you ended up getting up to Seattle. Okay. Yeah. Cause I know about your Seattle days. I didn't know when. Okay, go ahead.

So, so it was like, uh, June 25th of 1995. I can't believe that fucking day. I was fucking heartbroken. Like I was heart heartbroken. Like, I was heartbroken. Because deep down, I knew I wasn't coming back.

Like, I just said to myself, I'm going to come back in September and make, I planned on making like 100 grand from September to January with the sports betting service. So I was like, I got that job, but I really want to be a fucking comic. You know, this thing with my daughter is not going to work the way I wanted to. Let me go out there and find who the fuck I am and find some success. And then I'll come back and be a father. That was my plan, you know? Okay. So I loaded up my car.

I had a Datsun B210 that I bought. That's what we had, bro. That's what we had. Fucking Datsun. I'm driving a Datsun in 95. A B210. I know that fucking exact car. But the fucking car was tougher than that.

I couldn't get rid of that car. That car finally ended up getting towed. That's how it went out. They just pulled it out for you. Let me tell you something. The side panel fell off. At the end, the side panel was off. The brakes were...

I mean, that car did me... I think I paid $800 for that car. i mean that car did me i think i paid 800 for that car i drove that car from colorado to michigan and baltimore probably 10 times each place i went they're just a little long if you take care of them they're little lawnmowers they'll run forever it was a fucking beast that. I owe that car my life. I saw Stan Hope and I did the same thing. I put a hanger in the back seat. I put everything in the trunk from a Frisbee to boxing gloves,

everything, you know, so I could swim goggles. I brought a suit, you know, and I said, let me do this fucking triple run, which will get me up to Oregon.

And then I'll go to Seattle. I'll get to Seattle by Saturday night. So I'll never forget leaving Boulder and headed to Ogden, Utah. That was my official first one-nighter out of Boulder. Is that right? Ogden, Utah. And that's your first headlining hour out of Colorado? No, I wasn't headlining at all.

Oh, you weren't. Okay. I was featuring for Tribble at the time. Okay. I was doing Tribble runs. I wasn't featuring at clubs. I was emceeing at clubs. There was no feature work in my life. I was dying to be a feature.

I had about 25 minutes. I was dying to feature, but nobody would feature me. Tribble featured me. I think it's $75 a fucking night. I did Wednesday and Ogden. I think it's still $75 a night.

I went to fucking Ogden, some spots in Wyoming. And then the last night was LaGrange, Oregon. And that day I realized that I was just, I don't know how many hours from Seattle. So I pretty much finished my fucking gig. And I just shot to Seattle on Saturday night and she stripped so I met her at she left the key under the fucking thing for me and I

waited for her in the apartment I got there about 1.30 she got home about 2.30 I still remember being with her that night and waking up Sunday and the first thing we did was go down to the comedy underground. And it was closed. But I didn't give a fuck.

I just wanted to touch the building. I had heard so many great things about that club. I was like, fuck this. I'm just going to fucking go down there and touch the building. They had a number on the wall and I called it. Nobody answered. You know, it was a fucking nightmare,

but I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to be in fucking Seattle and do comedy. That was it. You know, that was all that was on my mind. I'm just putting this phone on airplane mode. So nobody fucking bothers. There you go. cocksuckers love to

bother me when something good goes on when i'm sitting here not doing nothing nobody calls no i know nobody yeah once you're doing something everybody wants to call you back that's why today i didn't call nobody in the morning because if they don't answer then they call you back exactly when you're doing a fucking podcast so i got up this morning i shipped 418 mugs for patreon damn all right and then i went to the fucking gym finished out my workout week and got back so back to 95 so i'm living in seattle and that i'll never forget that that Monday was the open mic. And I ran down there and signed up. I think I was like number two.

And that night, all of a sudden a kid walked in with a backwards hat on and a Boston Red Sox hat. I know who that dick is. And it was, and it was Josh Wolf. Yeah. Yeah. And you know,

he went on stage. He was well known there. I went up to him. Yeah, yeah. And he went on stage. He was well known there. I went up to him. You're from Boston. I'm from Jersey. We started talking. He probably thought I was fucking weird. He was looking at me like, what the fuck?

And I chased him down for like three fucking days. He told me where he worked at Lobo Loco and all this shit. And I'm like, fuck it. I got to hook up with you. You got to make this help me out, you know. And it was funny because I got to Seattle. I went to that open mic that Monday and I got a bunch of numbers from people like who to call for bookings and shit. And I started calling people and everybody called back.

Like I got there on Saturday night. I went on stage Monday. And by Wednesday, I already had a gig for the weekend. I was playing Moscow, Idaho with Vince Valenzuela. Great fucking guy. He's in L.A. I think he's not doing comedy anymore. I don't know what he's doing.

But that was my first weekend. Moscow, Idaho as a fucking feature act for John Fox. So I'm like, wait a second. Things are moving fast. I got in with the chick from Oregon that was booking Donna Richards. I got in with another chick who was Josh Wolfe's manager. She had a bunch of rooms. I was in with Tribble.

And I was doing spots at the fucking Underground, which was just a tremendous club, you know? Yeah. So I was in Seattle maybe two weeks, and I was already rocking. Seattle, maybe two weeks, and I was already rocking. Like, you know, in Boulder, I would do like five sets a week, and I had to drive all over the fucking world. In Colorado, I had to go to Wyoming and shit. In Seattle, we had two spots on a Monday night,

four spots on a Tuesday, six spots on a Wednesday. There was a spot on Thursday. You know, there was always something. It was just fucking mind boggling. And I'm having a great time with the broad. You know, she's stripping at night. I'm helping to count the money. 20, 20 for me, 20 for her.

I'm dropping $100 bills on the floor and stepping on them. Fucking hysterical. Fucking hysterical. She was great. You know, we still talk. Her and I still talk. You know what? Let me say this because, again, I'm going to step out of this because I'm not just a comedian. I'm still a fan.

I'm a fan of comedy. I'm a student of the game. And I'm a fan of yours, obviously. And what I love for me, what I love hearing is that, you know, you forget that these, these people like you and, and, you know, they started somewhere and to hear your excitement about, I know exactly what you mean. I don't give a fuck if it's Sunday at one o'clock and this building's closed. There's energy coming off that fucking building. I want to go be around it, touch it. I don't care if it's got the gates on it. I want to peek in the window. I want to know. And then you go the next night and you run there and you're number two on the list or very early

because you want to fucking like, I love hearing that's what i love i love that young joey did you know that's where it started and there you are now you've you've left this thing what people don't realize i think a lot of people don't just don't think about it if they're not in this world but this job we do it's selfish it's a selfish thing i'm not saying that in a negative way but the definition of so it's we have left our families. We have left friends. We have left our homes. We have left everything in search of something that just we ourselves want to do and fulfill for ourselves.

And that's a very selfish act. motley crew of fucking people in comedy rarely do we really get to hang out unless we have a gig in town on the same night at the same time in the same venue some nights i see you we give each other a little love because i'm doing the 10 you already did the 8 we don't get to kick it maybe at a festival something like that it's almost it's a solo sport comedy is a soul it's like tennis it's you out there so i love hearing that you were stoked just to be out there in the building and this is like your real this is your real starting comedy right here 1995 it was it was really it was really when i think about it it was a lot of fucking fun like i was just having i was probably making 800 a month you know but who gave a fuck

right and then back then you're not thinking about agents or where you know you're just trying to get your feet under you your legs and build this fucking routine that that can hopefully carry you and then you can build other places so you're also getting those triple runs you're probably building material pretty quickly you had a lot of spots yeah i was it was uh i was a student of the game you know i didn't have my only i had rent my nuts were rent child support and my pager that was it i wasn't paying any bills there was no credit cards i didn't have anything i was very hand to mouth it was very old school but i didn't have anything. I was very hand to mouth. It was very old school, but I didn't give a fuck.

I was living it. I was in it. And when you're in it like that, you don't give a fuck. You don't even see anything else. And I'll never forget that you know, this girl was a sweetheart, but she stripped.

There were some things I couldn't deal with you know there was a lot of things when you date a stripper you have to be a strong type of dude and i wasn't strong for that you know i would go to pick her up and my heart would break you know so i was actually thinking of coming back like i called the sports betting thing in mid-August and I said, hey, can I come back? And they're like, absolutely. When do you want to come back? And I go, how about like fucking

September 8th or something? It was some date. And they go, yeah, we'll see you then. And I was all set to go and I hung up the phone and all of a sudden John Fox calls me and he goes what are you doing labor day weekend and i go nothing i was supposed to leave that weekend that's late yeah september crazy that is i was supposed to leave that weekend and he goes i have a weekend for you as a feature this is my first feature spot in a club never mind it being

the fucking underground now i could talk some shit i was opening up for laurie kilmartin yeah i just saw her at the improv the other night yeah i love i love her i think she's great i love laurie kilmart me too laurie was a pro yep already in 95 wow okay not you can't take anything away from laurie i just followed the improv a couple weeks yeah she is she's stronger than death so she was i was so stoked you know and i put it in god's hands i was like if god wants me to be a feature act and i'm here fuck it it doesn't look like I'm going back to Colorado. You know, it just doesn't look like I'm going back to Colorado. So it was, uh, we had a great summer. Her and I were fucking nuts. Like we would just do the craziest fucking things, you know?

And I got to start hanging around with Josh and Brody Stevens and Tana Manu and Gavin. There was just this crew that I had fit into. I had that in Colorado, but I really didn't. Those guys started, uh, the reason why I left Colorado is because those guys started backbiting me. Yeah. Like those open micers started talking behind my back and they're the ones,

one of the guys in Denver was the and they're the ones one of the guys in denver was the guy who got me thrown out of the comedy works so i was kind of like i don't want to really really be a part of comedy clicks but those guys were a great crew you know that whole crew was a great crew i missed my uh daughter so i took a ride back to Boulder with the stripper. We drove back to Colorado like a mid-September to get my stuff out of storage and all that shit. And my ex-wife let me see my daughter, which was fucking rare. I still have the picture from that day. It's in my wallet.

And that was one of the last times I basically I think I saw it two times after that over the years and then we went back to Boulder we saw my daughter we brought my shit back and then something happened that was fucking like

was not in my cards I didn't even see it coming. I had heard about the San Francisco Comedy Competition and the Seattle Comedy Competition. I had heard about these things. And I never knew I would be good enough to perform at one of them. Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, I'm not, I'm not going to be good enough. And one day Ron Reed came up to me and he goes, are you doing the contest? I'm like, I'm not. I'm not going to be good enough. And one day, Ron Reed came up to me. And he goes, are you doing the contest? I go, I don't know. Am I good enough to do the contest? He's like, well, we're having auditions. Just get your six minutes ready. And I went down there.

I auditioned. And a couple weeks later, they got back to me and said, you made the contest. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And it was like me josh wolf aisha taylor yeah tyler yeah um a comic african-american kid that was funny as shit he passed about two years ago uh floyd floyd floyd and he had, he used to go to, what's that shit where you're missing a kidney? Dialysis. Yeah.

So I used to call him Floyd the kidney. He used to live in Portland, Oregon. He was from Michigan. God rest his soul. Fucking great kid. Funny as fuck. You know, and in your mind, you look at the festival and I'm like, well, there's Josh Wolf.

There's Brody. There's Brody. There's Tana. I didn't know Brody went up to Seattle. I didn't know he was up there. That's why. That's where I met him. So I had in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to do really good at this thing. And I remember going on stage the first night of the contest at a pizza parlor.

And I fucking took like 13th place out of 15 people i thought i was gonna fucking die i'm surprised to hear that i went home and i cried and i looked at my set and i fucking revamped my set i kicked it up i was up all fucking night putting the fucks where they belong. Yeah, in the lab. I love it. Putting the fucks where they belong. Oh, I was fucking pissed. I'm like, I can't fucking do 13th place. And then that Tuesday night, I redeemed myself. That Tuesday night, I came in like fifth.

And then Wednesday, I came in like fourth. Yeah. And then Friday I came in like sixth and Saturday I came in like fourth. So I made the semi fucking finals. I'm like, holy shit. And everybody kept telling me, you're not going to make anything because they don't like dirty comments.

You're not going to do well. So I said, okay, so you have a week off and then you go back again. And I went back to the semifinals and again, it was a nightmare, but it was great. It was a great experience. There was this kid named James Inman. Do you know that is? Have you ever heard of James Inman? I haven't. No. James Inman, his goal was to stay sober. One of the funniest guys you'll ever work with. One of the funniest guys you'll ever see that didn't become a superstar.

He was very funny, very Bill Hickish, very on his game. And the secret to knock him off his game was to give him booze. his game was to give him booze. Okay. So he wasn't drinking. Like, he was crazy. One night he came in, he was stabbed. His wife stabbed him. He came in

like freshly stabbed? Yeah, to an open mic. He was bleeding. This crew was crazy. We had a coke dealer upstairs. Because the Comedy Underground is downstairs. We had a Coke dealer upstairs. Because the comedy underground is downstairs. It used to be in a bar called Swanee's.

And downstairs was the underground. So there was a Coke dealer upstairs. I mean, it was great. So what we did was you gave James Inman tequila shots. Even though he wasn't drinking, you had the waitress bring him tequila and he would drink them. And then he would start going off on comics. And it was classic. He went up to, I forget this comic's name. He does a lot of spots at Burbank and a lot of corporates now. He never really made it in the comedy world. He did great in the corporate

world. And he's a clean comic. I'll never forget one night, Emman grabbed him and told him, if you do another joke about your cunt wife up on stage, I'll fucking kill you. We would send him over to the killer shop. He would drink tequila and snap like that? And snap like a twig.

And he'd go off on other comics and knock them out of that game. So it was perfect. And you're just sitting right in the cut, letting it all fall apart. Fuck yeah. Because when you're a comic and you do those contests, you got to learn how to piss on somebody's leg. But if you piss on somebody's leg too hard, you might crack yourself.

You know what I'm saying? That's it. You might crack yourself. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying something. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Upstart. Now, so many Americans experienced financial hardship in the last year,

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lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash honeydew. That's upstart.com slash honeydew. And don't forget to use my URL to let them know I sent you. All right. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, your income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. Go to upstart.com slash honeydew. Our next sponsor is Keeps. Now, as guys, so much of our identity is wrapped up in our hair, all right, from how it feels after getting a fresh cut to the way it's perfectly styled before going out.

Now, that's why when we get into our 20s, our 30s, and we start noticing the first signs of hair loss, it definitely feels like panic time because, let's face it, no guy is ever ready to go bald. Thankfully now there's keeps the simple and easy way to keep your hair. Did you know two out of three guys will experience some form of male pattern baldness by the time they're 35. Okay. So the best way to prevent hair loss is to do something about it while you still have hair left, get treated from home. You used to have to go to the doctor's office for hair loss prescription. Now, thanks to keeps, you can visit a doctor We'll be right back. visits if you are ready to take action and prevent hair loss go to keeps.com slash honeydew to receive your first month of treatment for free that's k-e-e-p-s.com slash honeydew again that's keeps.com slash honeydew sorry all right i cried you know we we fucking did the he's drinking

yelling at everybody he's yelling at everybody and guess what i fucking did the... He's drinking, yelling at everybody. He's yelling at everybody. And guess what? I fucking did great with the semifinals. And I'll never forget that we ended the semifinal week. It was supposed to end on a Sunday night. And we'd know who was going to make it to the top five. David Crowe won it that year. Mitch Hedberg was in it.

Yeah. It was craziness. So that Sunday, I'll never forget, somebody gave us tickets to the Seattle Seahawks game. And like 12 comedians, Floyd J. Phillips was his name. God bless his soul. Floyd J. Phillips was his name. God bless his soul.

Payna, me, Brody, Josh, Gavin, Floyd, a bunch of us. I think Aisha, Tyler, we all went to a Seahawks game. And we had such a great time. And then we went to McCormick and Schmidt's. Had a $2 menu. The $2 menu, a cheeseburger for $2, an order of fries for $2, clams on a half shell, $2. It was fucking great. So we did that. And then I made it to sixth place that night.

As a dirty comic, I didn't make it to the finals. But I took a sixth to hear what Aisha Taylor, David Crowe, Mitch Hedberg. And it was fucking great. I mean, everything was great. My future was looking great. When you do good in the Seattle contest, people from the area start hiring you. Harvey's called, you know, the improv. There was an improv up in Seattle, but it closed.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, it had closed and they still used the improv that club to do shows at. The guy that booked it was Alberto. So at this point, you're still only a few months in, right? Are you even a year in yet, or how far in are we

now in your comedy? I started in 91. In Seattle, I mean now in your comedy i started in 91 in seattle i mean i'm talking about just in the seattle scene in seattle i was there about six months and all this is popping that fast huh popping that's really fast you know that looking back how fast that is yeah it was fast and then that Thanksgiving, they always had that show on Wednesday night. You know, that big show on Wednesday. That's the biggest bar night of the year, man. Thanksgiving Eve. So what we did was what we used to do was we, me and Josh,

Tana and Brody, a bunch of us would book out Wednesday nights and they gave you 65% of the door. So I don't know whose night it was on the night before Thanksgiving, but this is going to blow your mind. I'm up on stage the bro. Listen, I'm doing a pilot. And in L.A. for CBS. And you're fucking perfect for it. I'll be in touch. And then as I was walking away from him, another guy came up to me and he goes, you'd be perfect for the Latino laugh festival on Showtime.

We love for you to audition in January. Maybe send the tape. We'll fly you to LA. I was like, wow, things are really fucking happening. And then I got a feature spot, wow, things are really fucking happening. And then I got a feature spot. December something at the fucking underground.

And I was opening up for this comic from Chicago. And it's Friday night. We're all down there. And I'm about to go up on stage. And that was the beginning of my bad luck. I'm about to go up on stage. And that was the beginning of my bad luck. I'm waiting to go up. The MC is up. And when the MC hit the stage, four guys came in, three guys came in. I'm talking to the manager. These three guys come in, they pay and they're chatty and they sit down and I'm still talking to the manager. He sits him. Then he comes back and we're still bullshitting.

And finally he goes, these fucking guys. And he goes over and he tells the three guys, guys, if you want to talk, you're going to stay upstairs. And they're like, all right,

we'll get our money back. And they follow Ron to the fucking table. Ron gives him back the 10 bucks or 15 bucks, whatever it was to get in. And the one guy goes, thanks. And he smacks Ron. Whoa. Ron's a 55 year old fucking man. These kids are kids, you know, they're like twenties. So I'm standing there with like three other comics. I don't know who the fuck they were and nobody did nothing. So I jumped the fucking one guy, you know,

I jumped him and I pushed the other guy and now we're going at it. You need those spots, Joe. You need these spots. You're about to solidify yourself in that. And Ron Reed's a good guy and shit. So I fucking go off,

you know, and thank God there was a Puerto Rican guy from the Bronx upstairs. He was a cop a seattle cop a city cop he came down with his uniform on and he pulled me off the guys and i went and reached for his gun while he was holding me i loosened the holster he's like what are you doing i'm like let's let's shoot these motherfuckers. He's like, you're crazy. So they pull us apart.

Let's. He said let's. Let me and you shoot these motherfuckers. I was boned. I was out of my mind. Sick of it. I go up on stage.

My shirt is ripped. Like one guy grabbed it over here and it was ripped and it was like falling over. And I'm sweating and the feet, the MC brought me up. Fresh from the fight. And I go up on stage. Fresh from the fight. They fucking know I got into a fight. They heard the commotion and they're like, you know, what's going on?

I'm telling these three fucking guys, fuck them. I'm the king of swing. I'm talking all this nonsense. And finally, the bar gets surrounded by cops. I could see the cops all around the fucking bar waiting on me. Bicycle cops, all these cops. In Seattle, the underground was downstairs. So it rains a lot in Seattle.

Yeah. So it's really fucking humid. So fucking, this is something that I'll never forget. When you're waiting to go up at the underground, there's a beam. There's a beam that you stand by and there's a table where people sit right there and i'll never forget how many nights i would look at the table and people would be nachos and there'd be big water bugs on their

nachos no because it was the basement yeah that humidity. And they had those big fucking Puerto Rican water bugs. The ones that you see in the Bronx. With the fucking tentacles and shit. Oh my God. They're huge. People would be eating nachos, not looking at the nachos. And there'd be a fucking

roach on the nachos. I would go, Jesus Christ. It was such a fucking wackadoo club at the time. But every time you stood by that beam, if you looked at people's dishes, you'd see a roach on one of the dishes. And nobody would ever say anything about the roaches. It was fucking terrible.

I remember one night going up on stage and seeing a roach on some guy's leg like one of those water bugs and he just shot up in the fucking air you know so i get off stage the cops asked me a bunch of fucking questions and uh they let me go right now are they are they questioning you because you tried to unholster the piece or just because everything went down? The Puerto Rican cop didn't wrap me up. OK, they're questioning me about the fight and what happened and what the details were and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. OK, they let me go. The next day I get up.

And I'm living in the U District with my girlfriend. And there was a fucking taco place. They made potato tacos for 50 cents a piece. When you're a broke comic, fuck, you know, I would go there and get like eight, four dollars worth of tacos, which is eight tacos. And that would be my thing. I'm walking the next day to the taco place and I'm not thinking about nothing. You know, I see that there's no cars and I fucking cross the street and I get to the other side. And next thing you know, two bicycle cops come up to me and they're like, excuse me, sir, do you know what you just did? And I go, yeah, I crossed the street. And they're like, no, you jaywalked. You fucking jaywalked.

I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, you jaywalked. I'm like, no, I didn't. And they go, listen, we got to give you a ticket. I'm like, this ain't fucking happening. This isn't fucking happening. And they're like, yes, it is. You're getting a fucking ticket.

And I go, well, good luck. You know'm going to la to fucking i'm going to la to shoot a fucking cbs pilot bitch you know they gave me the ticket and i looked at it and i go this is what i think i just ripped it and i throw it away right i don't think nothing of it. I go get my fucking tacos. I forget all about it. About two weeks later, I'm downstairs minding my own fucking business and my girlfriend

comes home and she goes, I got to go to the bathroom really bad. Can you stand here with the car? And I go, yes. I don't know what the fuck happened. I don't know what it was. She yells down. Stay down there.

I got a call. Something happened. And her and I got into an argument from the downstairs to the window. I'm like, you better hurry the fuck up i gotta whatever and she's like i'll take my sweet time just give me 10 minutes or whatever she yelled back do you know that the fucking cops came for that i'm standing outside they came because you guys are yelling to to each other and I mean, people walking on the street. Nobody said nothing. And all of a sudden, a cop pulls up.

And he arrests me for fucking harassment. Nuh-uh. Yes. So that's my first fucking arrest. I get brought to the station and everything. I'm like, this is fucking embarrassing. Say something to him. And they're like this is fucking embarrassing say something to him and they're like we can't say it she's like i can't do nothing the cops like he can't do nothing

you know you you were yelling somebody fucking wants to press charges i'm like what the fuck kind of shit is this so wait so it's not your girlfriend who wants to press charges you're telling me you're telling me that if i'm an upset k, I can just be like, there's a guy next door and I can press charges. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck happened. Fuck that. It was just really fucking weird. Yeah. It was like misdemeanor harassment.

So I get out. I don't think nothing of it. I got a court date. And about a week later, I'm sleeping, and there's a knock on the door. And it's two cops. And I open up the door. I go, what's going on?

And they're like, Jose Diaz, yeah, step aside. You're under arrest for failure to appear. You were supposed to be in court yesterday for fucking jaywalking. That shit went from a ticket to an arrest. God damn. I got arrested for jaywalking.

I gotta tell you, you're the only motherfucker I know on the planet that's been arrested for jaywalking. I got plenty of friends that got tickets. planet that's been arrested for jaywalking. I got plenty of friends that got tickets. And while I'm arrested for jaywalking, they're like, you were just here for fucking harassment. They're like, there's a fucking problem with some shit. So then guess what happens?

I go back to fucking answer the charges for harassment. And what the fuck do you think happens they press charges on me for the fight at the bar at the underground now that comes back to bite me in the ass and I get charged with assault

and all and fucking they wanted to get me on a felony assault even though it was self-defense. The whole. That's what I'm saying. How's it not? This guy is over here getting beat.

So they fucking put me on probation and made me go to the anger management. What's that like? Tell me what. What do you where do you go? What the fuck do you sit through and listen? It was a fucking it was it was just me and six other people, two women, six guys. Women were in there too, huh? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Like the one chick punched a boyfriend in the face and the other chick stabbed somebody, a mailman or something. I don't fucking know. An open mic comic. Yeah. I'm sitting there just getting worn out you know just getting worn out and i did it for about three months i actually went and it helped out a little bit so is it once a week is that what it is weekly for three months like once

a week it's like therapy whatever all right so now i'm involved with that but i want to make money you know i needed to make money like i go you know i got a lot of dead time in the daytime let me get a job selling cars and i'll get to drive one of their new cars instead of driving my fucking nissan around this fucking centra whatever this fucking b210, this Dawson. So I get a job at fucking like a Honda place in Everett, in Everett, close to Seattle. OK. They give me a job and they give me a car to drive. I'm loving life.

I'm driving a new Honda. I'm doing comedy with a shirt and a tie on, you know. Were you really? I'm loving a new Honda. I'm doing comedy with a shirt and a tie on. You know. Were you really? I'm loving life. Yeah. I would go right from the dealership, right from the fucking. That makes sense. To the open mic, you know, and I would do whatever the fuck they had.

And sure enough, I get pulled over. One night I get pulled over because the cop says I read a red light. Now, not a red light, a stop sign. One thing about me is I stop fully for stop signs and shit. I stop for the fucking stop sign. I go, and all of a sudden the cop comes out of nowhere. He pulls me over. It's like 10 o'clock on a Friday night.

Okay? He pulls me over. He goes, you ran the stop sign, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I tell him I didn't, but I stopped. He goes, all right, no worries. Let me just get your information. He comes back. He goes, Mr. Diaz, get out of the car. Oh, Jesus Christ!

You're driving a stolen car. Ah, ah, ah! They gave you a stolen car in the dealership? Jesus Christ. I can't even. It's just bang, bang, bang, bang. So they kept me in jail from Friday to Sunday. Oh, man.

For possession of a stolen car. And I'm telling them that the dealership gave it to me. They won't call the dealership because the thing they finally Monday, I call the dealership from the fucking jail cell. And they're like, let's check it out. I go, I can't come in the work because I'm in jail because you guys reported a stolen car. And they're like, it's a mistake. Let them out. So now I get out of jail on Monday.

I got to fucking, you know, take a bus to fucking Everett. They towed the car. I got to pay for the car to get towed. It's a fucking nightmare, you know. I don't know what the fuck to do with my life. This is terrible. Now the people from la start calling and they're like this pilot's gonna happen i didn't hear from them for like six months

i sent my stuff to the latino laugh festival and they actually flew me down oh yeah for the laugh factory okay to do latino night on mond night. It was huge in 1996. Latino night was huge. It was Carlos Mencia, George Lopez and Pablo Francisco. Gilbert Escobar hosted. It was huge. The place was packed on Mondays. The last factory used to be packed on Mondays. So I don't know anybody. I come down to fucking LA. They put me up at a hotel in the valley. I take a cab down.

Another comic drove me. I can't remember. And I showcase them at the Laugh Factory, and I meet a woman named Marilyn Martinez. She's cool as shit. I meet Jeff Garcia, and I meet Felipe Esparza. I go back to Seattle. I'm doing my thing. I'm having a great time in Seattle doing the open mics, dodging the cops, going to anger management. It was always something. I didn't go back to Boulder. So I started my own sports betting service.

I rented an office above Josh Wolf's business. Me and the girl had broken up for a while. So I lived in the office. That's the office that had a bathroom, just a bathroom with a toilet, no shower. So I had to join a gym to take showers. I can't tell you how many nights I had to take a shit at like 12 o'clock at night and the clean lady would be in the building. You're not supposed to live in an office. I was living in a rented office for $125.

They would try to knock on the door to come in to clean the office. I wouldn't let them. I'm working. Go away. I had an 800 number. You can call me for football. And I was giving out picks. I'm doing it by myself. I'm having a great fucking time. And I remember how many nights I would just

open the window and piss out the window. And people would go, what the fuck is going on up there? I would just take my dick out. I'd be all drunk and coked up. And I would just piss out the window. Let me tell you something. A couple of nights, I'd shit out that window.

I would just put my ass out the window and just drop two turds out of my ass and look down. And they would fly down. It was like the third floor. I had to. I can't tell you how many times I shit myself. Oh, God. Yeah, dude.

I was. And I was friends with a guy that cook at that. And you can ask Josh Wolf about this. Well, he's told me. You guys have told me that story about the safe and all you stole up there oh dragging it down the steps oh my god it was fucking crazy let's take a quick break and tell you about our next sponsor cores pure living a balanced lifestyle is important but it shouldn't stop enjoyment and that's when you reach for cores pure since it's all organic and it has zero sugar, you can enjoy it without feeling guilty.

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She's a hippie broad, you know. So we go to this fucking river, and it's got like these little caves that you go into. And the water just runs through you. It's tremendous. At that time, we went to see Pearl Jam at Waterworks Park.

Oh, yeah, back then. I mean, it was just, we were fucking living it up, me and this broad. I'm stealing 20s from her every night. We're having a fucking blast. You know? Yeah. So we're at this fucking reservoir. I'll never forget this, whatever this fucking thing is.

And we're drinking bottles and James, wine coolers. Yeah, I remember i remember she's got and she's got a tremendous ass you know and i'm looking at her ass she's got a bikini on and i'll never forget i we got into some type of argument we weren't taught like she wasn't whatever you want to do it's fine you know whatever and i'm like i don't know what this girl's problem is so i finished the fucking bottles and James. And I'm looking at her fucking ass. She's laying there and I'm looking at her pussy.

And I take the bottle and I start rubbing it on her pussy with the bikini on. Just rubbing it with the pussy, with the bikini on it, rubbing it, rubbing it. And I can see her hips are starting to move. She's starting to get hot. rubbing it and i can see her hips are starting to move she's starting to get hot so i pulled the bikini over and i take the bottle and i start playing with a clit and the whole fucking thing and i start putting the bottle into a pussy and i'm right there you know me we're fucking fruits and i'm working it with the fucking bottle nice slow. She's moaning and groaning. I'm getting into it. I'm about to take the Cuban egg roll out and yank it myself. Right.

I'm about to whack off and come on a fucking hair or titties or whatever. I'm working with this fucking bottle. I'm ready to go. I'm excited. And next thing you know, I hear the suction from the bottle. She was about to have a period no so the suction it created a vacuum when i was going in and out and all of a sudden it squirted like the blood started filling up the bottle i thought i cut her with the bottle so i can't see blood so i fainted i just go backwards boom. Boom and I faint. She wakes me up.

She's putting ice on me and shit. She's putting water on me. Her pussy's bleeding. I thought I cut you. She's like no you just you created a vacuum and you pulled the blood was brown. It was period blood. It was fucking brown and shit.

I'm like this is a fucking nightmare i never heard anything like that you jump started a period i jump started a period oh man oh my god you're something else man i love her and i were her and i were like Oh, man. Oh, my God. You're something else, man. I love you. Her and I were like so fucking good together, but we were so bad together. I know exactly what you're talking about.

She really encouraged my comedy. I'll thank her. Nobody knows. The people that helped me the most with my comedy was her and my new wife. My wife now, 21 years. They have been women always help me. Women are always very good. Same.

So I honestly, Joey, I wonder if it does. I mean, you lost your mom. I lost my I mean, my mom left. My dad's gone. And there's just something I say all the time. Like the moms of my friends were always kind to me. Like women just have a different nature. The dads were always like, you good?

All right, see you later. You know, and it was out. The moms were, how you doing? Let me make you something to eat. What's going on? How are we doing? You know, always checking in. And then throughout my life, the women have always been good to me. Oh, I'm very grateful. Me too. I'm very grateful to both of them. In fact,

I talked to the girl from Seattle for the 4th of July. I love that you still keep in touch. We just spoke on Monday. She sent me a picture on the 4th of her and her mother. And I looked at it Monday morning and I go, can you talk? And we talked a little bit and she said, she's going to write a book. It's called the one chapter is called Seattle, LA and Joey Diaz. The chapter about us. So, uh, I was there and I'll never forget. It was June of 96 and I was there a year already.

And there was a rumor going around that. Doug Stanhope was coming up. Doug Stanhope was the hottest comic in America. Yeah. He had just won the San Francisco comedy competition. And he was the hottest comic in America. I had met Doug in 91 in Boulder. And again, in 92, he had come to Boulder as a feature act where I worked. I was the house MC at the Tribble. And he came back as a headliner a year later. And I always wondered what happened

to him. I really liked him. In fact, he stayed at my house both nights because you did Boulder and then you got a hotel in Boulder but then you had a night off. So I would tell the headliners that they were cool. You could stay at my apartment. I got an extra room. He stayed with me and he was cool and I lost contact

with him. I looked up to him. He was funny as fuck and he was coming that June and I couldn't get the feature spot. with him. I looked up to him. He was funny as fuck. And he was coming that June. And I couldn't get the feature spot. So that Friday I went to see Doug Stanhope. I'll never forget. It was the greatest live performance I had

ever seen in my life. It was so good that I canceled my show on Saturday night and cried. You cried. You cried. I cried because I knew I would never be as good as Doug Stan. Doug was on a different level in 96. It was it was a different style of stand up.

He was just buck wild, you know, talking about that. He went to a strip club and the chick was so fat, there was a thong in there somewhere. And, you know, I'll never forget Friday night. People were walking out. People were walking and he kept saying, where are you going? You didn't hear my titfuck joke yet. Fuck you. You know, it was just it was hilarious. He was so that Saturday I didn't go back down there. I'm not even going down there. He was so good. I'm canceling my fucking gig and I got to get my life together fucking told him, you know, you're fucking great. You became you became a fucking superb comic. I mean, I am embarrassed.

I got to catch up to you. And he's like, well, listen, how about this? Catch up to me and I'll be back here for New Year's and you could open for me. Nice. New Year's 96 because I just got it from John Fox. I go, perfect. So I had something to work for. You know?

Yeah. So boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm working. I'm doing all this shit. I'm finally fucking not getting arrested no more. I'm on probation. I'm still going to anger management. And then something fucking happened.

I can't remember what the fuck happened, but I got pulled back into court. Like something I gave a hot way, something happened. And they're like, you know, I can't fucking remember what the fuck happened, but I got pulled back into court for like a review or something, and they were like, you're going to have to continue the anger management. You're going to get additional probation.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on here, you know? And all of a sudden, CBS called. It's like november of 96 cbs calls and they're like listen we want you for this pilot we're gonna give you 25 000 bucks like i've never seen that type of money yes i know I know. Yeah. Like what? I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, yeah, just come down. We'll put you up. You're going to shoot for two weeks and then you'll go back to Seattle. And I'm like, whatever.

I'm walking around like I didn't say nothing to nobody. I didn't tell Josh Wolfe. I didn't say nothing. By this time, Josh Wolf had left. He had left in September. I know what happened. All right. So Josh Wolf

leaves in September, and I miss Josh. At the time, I was living at Josh's guest house. Yeah, you babysat for him and shit. I couldn't get over that. Yeah yeah we had robbed the safe we did all that shit and he leaves that september and i get the job of a fucking lifetime i get a job working for this telemarketing company for a new company that's going to advertise during football games for pizza.

And you could order pizza from the television, this wild concept. This is 1996. This is this wild concept of telemarketing. And they're paying me $20 an hour. Damn. And bonuses if you sign pizza parlors, because that's what we had to do. We had to sign pizza parlors to get into the network, and that's what the pitch was. So if every pizza parlor you sign, you got like 10 bucks. I was knocking them fucking dead.

So I'm there for like a month. I'm happy. CBS calls. We're going through with the deal. And my ex fixed me up. Now I owed her money, like 200 bucks or something. The check was like for 800 bucks or whatever. She's going to cash a check check take the 200 and give me fucking

six bills right so she's got like her dog in the front seat and i'm sitting in the back seat and we're gonna go through a drive-through and she's gonna give the teller her check and get the money back we're at the fucking drive-thru and she's like, you're going to give me $300. And we get into a fucking argument over the money. I'm like, listen, I'm not going to give you

fucking 300 bucks. I owe you two. Why would I give you three? And she's like going back and forth with me and we'll get into a fucking argument. And she goes, you know what? Fuck you.

You're not going to get nothing now. And she rips up the check and i'm fucking furious i go what the fuck i had people to meet that night i was getting an eight ball i had all this fucking shit and i go over she's like fuck you i go fuck you and she fucking punches me right in the fucking face and i grab her her hair. And she goes, ah, that's it. I'm calling the cops. And I go, fuck you. That's it.

Fuck you. We fucking had it. And I run out of the fucking car. And the next thing you know, there's cops everywhere. So what do I do? I hide in a garbage can, like a garbage dumpster, outside the tornado restaurant or something. Right.

So fucking, I told this big comic, his name is Rico. He's got to be six foot six, 300 pounds. He's African-American darker than the night. And he shaved a spider onto his face. Like his beard is a spider.

So he's a street guy. He's from the Bronx. I call him up from the pay phone before I jump in the dumpster. I'm like, Rico, listen to me. The cops are looking for me. Pick me up at this fucking, uh, at the whatever restaurant, tornado restaurant. I'll be in the dumpster.

I go, how long will it take you? He goes, it'll take you about 20 minutes. You know, so I'm hiding in the the dumpster. I go, how long will it take you? He goes, it'll take you about 20 minutes. You know, so I'm hiding in the fucking dumpster. And I tell him, pick me up in front of the restaurant. The dumpster is right next to it. I can see the cops going by. And I fucking jump in the dumpster. I'm in a dumpster.

There's fucking mice in there. I'm fucking, what the fuck is going on? And the next thing you know, I look out the thing, and there's Rico 200 yards away going like this. And I'm like, Rico, pull over. Come on over. And the next thing you know, cops come out again. So I just hide in the fucking dumpster.

So I'm in the dumpster from fucking 4 in the afternoon. It's got to be 9 o'clock at night. I'm in a fucking dumpster from fucking four in the afternoon. It's got to be nine o'clock at night. No. I'm in a fucking dumpster. I'm pushing roaches away and rats. The fucking Mexican kids throwing garbage in there next to me. I'm like, don't throw it on this side.

Throw it on that side. I give the Mexican like five bucks. I don't want to tell nobody I'm here. So finally, about nine 30, I climb out of the dumpster and I'm walking through Seattle and I walk past the bush and there's two fucking cops waiting for me. So they arrest me.

They take me down there. They say that, you know, I pulled the hair, but she admitted to punching me in the face. The cops saw like, I had like a black eye and they're like, you know, we'll just leave it at this or whatever. So fucking they didn't arrest me.

Oh, good. They let they let me go. But sure enough, I go see my probation officer the following week and he puts a warrant out for my arrest. For that? It didn't fucking stop for that. Yeah. So I'm like, God damn it it but she won't press charges she's like i punched him in the face it's not fair blah blah blah blah so they go all right don't worry about nothing but probation is on my fucking ass

it's about december now cbs wants to know when i'm coming. And I tell them right after New Year's, I'm opening up with Doug Stanhope. I'll have money from Doug Stanhope. I think it was $2.50 to feature then. $2.50 for five shows, New Year's Eve. $50 a show up in Seattle. But I didn't give a fuck. I was opening up with Doug Stanhope, New Year's. So I do the whole three nights with Doug.

Fucking great. I think we added two shows. We did the countdown. And finally, and then last night he goes, hey, when you come to L.A. to shoot that pilot, just stay there. He goes, you would do great in L.A. He goes, fucking stay here, man. Don't leave when you come to L.A. He goes, you could do great in LA. He goes, fucking stay here, man. Don't leave when you come to LA. He goes, you could stay with me. I got bunk beds at my house. You could stay on the bunk beds.

That was like the biggest confidence booster I ever had in my life. I didn't know what to even say to him, you know? So we did New Year's, and I had to go to L.A. to shoot for CBS, but there was a hitch. Probation wouldn't let me go. Nah. Why? Because you're going out of state? Yeah.

So I had to call CBS and tell them the truth they contacted an attorney in Seattle and they set up a fucking special hearing no way I swear to god

fucking craziness by this time the stripper told me she was going to come with me. She's like, you're not going to leave me here by myself. I don't know anybody. I'm coming with you to LA. If you're going to be a fucking star, I'm like, I'm not going to be a star. I'm just shooting a fucking pilot and whatever. So, but here we had a kick.

The probation department wouldn't let me go. They were like, he's not going to go. He's not able to go. He cannot leave the fucking state. So CBS went in there and fought for me with my attorney. And finally, the judge, it was the wildest thing. The judge had been at the shows. No, no.

What a fucking how about Year's. No. What a fucking coincidence. How about that? That's my life. And he goes, listen, man, you're really funny. Wow. The joke about the mall you did. Do your shit, too. At the institutes.

All right. He goes, I'll let you go to LA, but do us a favor. Don't come back. I told you to get the fuck out. You can't come back. He goes, you've been arrested five times in one year. He goes, that's like a fucking record. Stolen cars, assaults, fucking jaywalking.

This cannot. this cannot, you know. So, they said, you can leave. I was in fucking shock. But they have to continue anger management classes in

Los Angeles when you get there and you can fucking leave. So on January they, you know, it was a CBS pilot. They wanted me to be down there, but they weren't going to shoot till fucking the beginning of March. So I, once Seattle told me to leave, I was like, I'm out of here. So on January 20th, me and her with a dog got in an RV. We towed her car in the back and we headed to fucking Los Angeles.

That night, January 20th, 97. Are we in 97? Yeah, we're in 97. That's when I got here. I got here February 13th, 97. Are we in 97? Yeah, we're in 97. That's when I got here. I got here February 13th, 97. I just beat you. I got there January 29th of 1997. By two weeks, yeah.

We got to San Francisco, and I was going to do a spot there one night. One of the comics from Seattle lived in San Francisco. And he goes, if you're ever in San Francisco, let me know. You know, I'll fucking put you up at whatever. You can stay at my place. So we get to San Francisco. We unhitch her car. And we fucking, you know, the rv on a corner and we're in the rv and for some

reason the rv there was something wrong with the electrical system so she's like we gotta have the rv towed i'm like what the fuck i had like 800 bucks for the trip. Plus a little money CBS gave me. Like they gave me a per diem or some shit. While they're towing the RV, the back axle fell off. No. And the RV just lands on the street. Oh, shit. So we had to fucking get a hotel room.

Oh, man. For like three fucking nights. But I got to do comedy all week in San Francisco. I got to do Rooster Teeth Feathers. Yeah, San Francisco. I love comedy in San Francisco. I really do. The Punchline is fucking awesome.

The Punchline. Oh, it's great. Cobb. I didn't do Cobb. The guy was a scumbag then on Monday nights. Oh, really? But I did like Rooster Teeth Feathers. The Purple Onion. Was it the Purple Onion?

Was a great one too there. The Purple Onion. I did that. I did something on Hate Ashbury. And then we finally got that RV back. We finally got the RV back on like a Saturday. And we headed to LA. And we pulled in to LA Monday, January 29th, 1997.

We pulled in and I'll never forget. It was maybe 830 at night. We parked on Fairfax between Hollywood and Sunset. And we took showers. And we got in the Mazda and we went to Acapulco. Where the comedy at Dojo was. Yeah, I used to do

stand-up up there and they would fucking make those goddamn blended drinks while you were doing your set. No one could hear you you couldn't hear shit yeah yeah sorry i remember still pulling up monday night going to alcapulco and then from there we went to the comedy store and don barris was hosting i went up there and eddie grifton was on. I couldn't believe I was in the world famous. I know, man. I know.

That was the first time I walked in there. And I knew a guy named James Stevens III. I had opened for him in Seattle. He was big time at the store. And I'll never forget that. He walked up to me like at midnight. He goes, do you want to go up at the open mic? There was like four people in the

audience i was like are you fucking serious because i thought i'd never get a chance to perform at the comedy store because in those days if you perform there it didn't matter in what capacity you could put it on your resume fuck yeah that would be great on my resume the comedy store in the seattle underground what are you fucking crazy so he put me up at the comedy store original room and i was like holy shit i was blown away i'll never forget just going back that night to the rv and going what the fuck we met doug stanhope at coaching horses yeah i know yeah that's a great that was a great rock and roll bar. Yes, it was. And I'll never forget that he asked me, did you ever get paid for New Year's? And I go, no, I never got a check.

And he paid me out of his pocket. So that was great. He gave me $500 instead of $250, and I still had the check coming to me. And her and I lived in the RV. We got into an argument. I moved in with Stan Hope, and I'll never forget that Friday. I was going to North Hollywood.

I borrowed Stan Hope's car. I was going to North Hollywood to apply for a telemarketing job, and that was the day of the North Hollywood bank shoot. Oh, yeah. I had just got here. I had just fucking got here. Yeah, the bank of america

fucking shooting the bank of america shooting yeah dude those dudes walked down the street bulletproof and fucking i remember seeing them finally take the one dude out live on tv they shot him right through the head and they wouldn't show that later in the news but if you were watching live they finally took that one dude up that shit was hours long and i lucked out because there was you were driving into it i was driving onto the 101 it was tough to get on there and i finally went said fuck it somebody i had in those days there was no waves or nothing you had to get the book i had like a book in the car from going on the road. Thomas guide. The Thomas guy made me go up through Barham, but Barham was stuck.

So I turned around and I went to a pay phone and I called the fucking employer and I go, listen, there's a lot of traffic. I can't make it up. Then he goes, don't even worry about it. We'll close me off.

There's a shooting going on. There's a fucking huge shooting going on. So I was there for that. And then I remember going back and Stan Hope saying, listen, man, when I was at the store last night, I talked to Scott Day about getting you a showcase. I go, are you fucking serious? And he goes, yeah, I got him to give you a showcase.

So he goes, call him up. So I called Scott Day that Monday. You know, I still talk to Scott Day. I didn't know that. We're still friends on Facebook. He's like in Europe somewhere, Africa. So I fucking call Scott Day on a Monday and I go, Stan Hope referred me. James Stevens III referred me.

Carlos Mencia referred me. I knew Carlos from Denver. And Scott Day goes, okay, you're on the list. He goes, it's going to be about six months. I'm like, well, you know, I had to brag. I'm like, I'm here to shoot a pilot for CBS. So it'll be fine. Whenever you get to me, it'll be fine.

You know, it was going to be about six months. I was like, fuck, I don't know if I'll be here in six months, you know? And sure enough, like a week later on a Friday, he calls me, He goes, and it was like Valentine's weekend or something, like before Valentine's week. And he calls me up and he goes, do you want to showcase for Mitzi Shaw? We've had a couple fallouts. It wasn't even six weeks. It was like a week.

I go, I'll be there fucking Sunday night. And I went down there like my life was on the line. This was bigger than me going to court for kidnapping. This is fucking huge. I walk in. There's the queen herself, Mitzi Shaw. There's Eddie Griffin. I mean, Paul Mooney on a Sunday night, all talking to Mitzi,

and I had a fucking showcase. But I had that night when I went up, a Sunday night, all talking to Mitzi. And I had a fucking showcase. But I had that night when I went up that Monday night, Eddie Griffin was there. And he watched me. And I was a fan of Eddie Griffin. He had a joke about that guy who invented the telephone. What's his name? Alexander Graham Bell. What's the guy who invented the telephone what's his name alexander graham bell what's the guy he said that alexander graham bell invented the telephone because he did cocaine and he needed to talk to somebody so that was his big joke that you know i saw it on hbo so i went

up to him and i'm like i love that joke about alexander graham bell with cocaine so he knew i really knew his material so it was weird i went in there for the first showcase and eddie griffin was there and i went up to mitzi and i go hi i'm joey beers i'm number four on the list and he turned around he goes mitzi keep your eye on him he's a funny i saw him last week my heart almost fucking broke i'm like oh my god and he sat next to mitzi and he told me when i got off when i got off mitzi short pulled me towards and she goes can you come back next week and do tan and i'm like yeah fuck yeah and then he he came out and said, listen, I sat next to her. So nobody would talk to her.

That's nice. Come back next Sunday, you know, and do 10 and I'll be here. Next Sunday was going to be my 34th birthday. I was going to turn 34 on February 19th, 1997. And I'm like, this will be fucked up if I don't become a regular. She tells me, no, like this will be fucking heartbreaking. I went down there on Sunday, February 19th. I did my 10 minutes and she fucking made me a regular.

When I got off, she goes, start calling the spots tomorrow night. And I nearly broke down. Like I just fucking broke down, like all the pain from the divorce, all the pain from prison. My mother, I just remember going in, like walking down the stairs and going into the men's bathroom and just I didn't want to touch the toilet with my fucking hand. I got like a towel. I closed the toilet and I just sat there and broke down. I cried my ass off. I was now a regular at the world famous comedy store.

When I got to L.A., I didn't think I could do anything with my life. Nevermind be a fucking regular. So by February, I had gotten to LA January 27th or 29th, 1997. By February 19th, not even a month in LA, I was a regular at the fucking comedy store. So my fate was fucking sealed right there. I knew it. I'm like, now I got to work hard because I'm in the fucking major leagues. That's what I'm saying. We'll end right there. That's perfect because now it just begins.

That's what's going on. We've done like 10 goddamn episodes and we're just beginning. All right. So, wait, I have to put this audio stamp in here so I remember. We're picking up where exactly? What month and year exactly? What, 97? March of 97.

March of 97 is where we're going to pick up next time, brother. I love you. Thank you so much. I just want to make one announcement. I was going to say promote it all. The Soprano movie, obviously, October 1st. The trailer is out. And and also my weed strain is coming out it came out yeah it's called at laughing gas on instagram you know get on there

so you can see it's going to be sold exclusively at the ice cream shop off ventura bouvard. Oh, I'm going to get that. Studio City. It's 31 percent. And I'll knock you the fuck out of Joey Diaz fucking, you know, handpicked. You know, they took care of me. So trim the motherfucker and trim. It's called laughing gas. It'll be exclusively at the ice cream shop in Studio City. Thank you very much for having me on, brother.

I love you. You know I do. We're going to keep going until you wrap it up, my man. I love you too, man. Thank you. Take care of yourself. It was great to see you. Same, man.

And as always, RyanSickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week.