The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Joey Diaz - Take a Seat

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Joey Diaz! We pick up where we left off - January 1993. It’s another episode of amazing stories! Quick question for the guys - do you pee when you poop or do you poop then get up and pee? SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: UPSTART Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. That’s UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. Don’t forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you! MYBOOKIE Sign up today at mybookie.ag and use promo code HONEYDEW to secure a deposit bonus up to one thousand dollars. That’s promo code HONEYDEW to claim your first deposit bonus. POLICY GENIUS So while you’re gearing up for spring cleaning, don’t forget to dust off your home and auto insurance policies with Policygenius. Re-shop your rates and you could save up to $1055. Head to POLICYGENIUS.COM to get started now.

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More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social medias. I want to say thank you to you guys. Seriously, this community continues to grow. I absolutely love

my job and this show and the stories that people are bringing here. The fact that you can laugh at your trauma, be that strong about it, be that open about it, be that vulnerable about it. I fucking love it. Thank you for the messages, all that stuff. Make sure you're subscribed to the YouTube channel.

And if you're wanting more of it, man, hit up the Patreon. That community is growing as well. It's called the Honeydew with y'all where I'm highlighting the lowlights with y'all. It's five bucks a month. If you sign up for a year, you're getting over a month of free episodes. All right. If you or someone you know has that story, it needs to be heard. Submit it to Honeydew podcast at gmailcom. Hopefully, we'll get to do a story with you. All right? Now, I want to talk to you about something real quick that I'm very proud of. You know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center and working with a nonprofit here with Lana called Outreach Through the Arts, ATA, which is At-Risk Youth. Like myself and the guests you're about to see were when we were kids. If we had a program like this, we'd have been so much further ahead in life, I will tell you that.

But we're teaching these kids how to podcast, how to live switch, how to work with cameras, graphics, editing, the whole thing. Ash is over there helping them. They're watching him. They're learning, and they're super stoked about it. We're going to start a podcast with these kids and give back. So very excited about it. Keep an eye out for that.

I'll be feeding you some of that stuff. You'll probably meet these kids. I'm going to have them on the Patreon. They're really good kids, 18 years old with stories already that are insane. So that's the biz. We're highlighting the lowlights over here. These are the stories behind the storytellers, and there's only one storyteller like this guy.

He is back, y'all. The saga continues. Ladies and gentlemen joey diaz all right i'm just so stoked to talk to you dude i miss you so much there was there were those programs when i was growing up we just robbed them dog i robbed the science department i had all the triple beam scales. And they knew it was us. So they came to us. And they're like, just give us like eight back. We robbed all the frogs. Give us eight of them.

They negotiated with you. We took all the frogs. You know the frogs you dissect? We took like 300 frogs. For a month, they couldn't dissect the frogs. I forgot who I was talking to for a second. Then we robbed the athletic department one night. What did you take from them?

Everything that was in that thing, from sneakers to jackets to hoodies. They came to my house the next day, and they're like, listen. This high school or what? Yeah, the high school. They came to your house? house the next day and they're like listen this high school or what yeah the high school they caved your house and they're like we know just come on give us a break the kids can't run track this week without the sneakers just bring it back and we'll make believe like we don't know nothing happened you know it's like nothing ever happened i swear to god i believe you don't know nothing happened. You know, it's like nothing ever happened. I swear to God. I believe you don't need to swear to me.

I believe you. Jackets, trophies. Trophies. He's taking trophies. He can't even sell those. It didn't matter. We're taking them. Please, before we get into the continuing story here of your life,

plug, promote everything you want to. I'm at Vinny's the whole month of March down the shore. Vinny's, Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club in Point Pleasant, Wednesday nights, 8 o'clock, $20, working out with Uncle Joey, BYOB, BYOG too, because it's legal to bring grass now. Yeah, that's right. It is. So you could actually they'll let you smoke at the venue, not inside but outside? Nah.

We can smoke outside now. It's legal in New Jersey now. Okay, good. Your Patreon. Doing well. I love it. Really got me out of a funk. If it wasn't for Patreon,

I still would have been in the funk talking to those people every day and answering messages. You know, I had it July, August, September, and it really gave me a lot of confidence like to start at that level, just shooting little videos and I'd give them two free podcasts a week just

20 minute podcast just quick shit you know yeah i just do an i do an hour i do an hour once a week and um they're they're great man they're the diehard so what how much is yours a month joey three five and ten three five and ten five, and ten. No more merchandise. Not that shit. Shit gets lost. People don't get the t-shirts. It's just a pain in the ass. It's just content.

And like you and like Jimmy, I'm doing the same with my Patreon money. I'm helping out a few comics, a couple retired cops. I use cops to give me rides to the gigs, and they're retired, you know, shit like that. I donated to the restaurant thing for Courtney. Now I'll donate to Jimmy's. That's what my Patreon is for, help out a few people. I pay Mike, you know. Yeah.

But you're doing it twice a week and 20 minute episodes twice a week yeah that's great it's it's more music based you know shit like that well make sure you subscribe to that and uh yeah what you're referring to so uh john minidakis at jimmy's famous seafood in baltimore took a page out of Portnoy's book and did what Dave did in Baltimore, raise money for local restaurants and stuff, because they shut the city down, but they didn't shut the county down. That bullshit. So he raised over half a million,

and today I get to make a call to a bar I used to go to back in the day called Al Mary's to let them know that they're about to receive some money to help save their business. So I'm stoked on doing that. I love everybody out there helping. Me too. I love it. Who are you going to rely on?

You ain't relying on the government. I know. You're relying on the people, man. The people are the ones doing it. I told them in the beginning, I go, listen, guys, I know they're going to promise you unemployment. Who knows how many people are going to call. Go get a job for now.

Go stock shelves until this clears up and sure enough people in jersey are hurting from unemployment you know i had the help of a few of my buddies out last month and this month because you know it's just a nightmare what's going on my buddy uh james took a job at costco you know he just he's like look i i'm out of work i need to get a job took a job as Costco. He's like, look, I'm out of work. I need to get a job. He took a job. He's a dad down there. And I said, hey, good for you, man. Good for you.

You can't eat pride. That's right, brother. Pride don't fill your belly. All right, so let's get back into it here. We're talking January 1993 is where we left off. I believe you're leaving Colorado. I'm leaving Colorado. I'm beat up emotionally.

I'm beat up mentally. Physically, I wasn't beat up. But just emotionally and mentally, for the first time in 10 years, I was done again. I had just gone through a big chunk of life. A lot had happened, and I was ready to move on. And Joey, sorry, just as a reset, how old are you in January of 93? Whatever. Take away 58 from 93 i don't know i don't have my calculator i don't have my calculator with me yeah what year were you born what year were you born i'm 30 years old all right you're still you're very young still you're still young

you're in your 20s 29 i'm 29. I got nothing going on. I got comedy under my belt. I'm not featuring yet. How long had you been doing stand-up? At that point, a year and a half. Okay, you're about me. I dabbled at 20, but I didn't do it again until I was 27 when I really got into it. I was doing it every week. I was a host.

I was friends with Stan Hope already and that type of shit. And then I got fired from the broker where I worked as a house emcee. And I just really went into the dumps. The girl I was dating moved to New York. And I was making money selling Valium. That's how I made a living. Selling and eating Valium. When you're a Valium salesman, depression is definitely going to be in your life. I was going to say,

Valium salesman you just said. Valium salesman. Sound like you sold it with a fucking suit and tie on. I was selling Valium fromman. Sound like you sold it with a fucking suit and tie on. I was selling Valium from September of 92 to January of 93. That's how I made a living. What kind of living? What kind of living are we talking? Is that the only thing you have to do to get by? That's it?

Sell Valium? Five, six, five, six hundred a week. Okay. You know, that was one of my many hustles. Selling Valium. I was working for a sports betting service. I delivered Chinese food. I delivered Coke while I delivered Chinese food as a cover.

Wait. All right. So wait, wait. If I want to buy Coke from you when I order Chinese food, do I ask for a special something? Is there a duck sauce on the side or i got the job then i told people if you need coke call me so they would call the chinese restaurant and one day the chinese people came up to me like we don't know what go on you get more called than we get more called so i had to tell the people listen when you call for a fucking coke you better order an egg roll

or soup or something. So I have an excuse to go to your house. Wait, they were just calling asking for you to come over without making any orders? Yeah. Yeah, that's stupid. And the Chinese people are like, what the fuck? You get more call than us? So I told people, you got to order a pint of fried rice. And I'll put it in the bottom.

I'll put it in a baggie in the bottom. So even if I get arrested, I can blame it in the bottom. I'll put it in a baggie in the bottom. So even if I get arrested, I can blame it on a Chinese guy. Oh, I had a down old fucking science. I had a down old fucking science, right? I'm doing everything I can.

If you want, if you want, if you want to buy Coke orens from me and I was working, I would actually make you come down to the venue, the broker. I would just tell you, come to the broker. And you go, why am I meeting you at the broker? And I go, because I got to meet my Colombian friend there. You want your Coke pure, right? And you go, yeah.

I go, yeah, so meet me at the broker. I'll give it to you at the broker. No. You were going to pay for a ticket to come to the comedy show. So I was making you pay for it. So you came to the broker to meet me. You got to watch me do stand-up. I'm on the stage

going, hey, come on. Just pay the five at the door. And the people would pay, and I'd take care of them afterwards. And they'd go, what about the $10 I paid at the door? And I'd make up some story, give them an extra pill. I think I was paying like a quarter a pill, and I was selling

them for like three bucks. Damn. So it was like high profit. I was getting rid of three four hundred a week you know so i found myself just broken i was broken about how my divorce was going i was broken about the only thing that was good in my life was comedy that was the only good thing in my life but you're taking those valium so you're bringing yourself down medically too so i'm i'm i'm partying yeah but is valium fun to party on doesn't that just one isn't it like an elephant trunk i'm snorting coke i'm drinking beers i'm getting my dick sucked yeah yeah i'm not just sitting there with a pill watching TV like some fucking asshole.

You know, I'm doing coke and then I'm eating the Valium to throw off the fucking coke so I can get a hard on. So I had a little Asian girlfriend at the time. We were having a little affair. And I just, we weren't going nowhere. It just was a dead life. So I fucking called a friend of mine. His wife answered. And I told her what was going on with dead life. So I fucking called a friend of mine. His wife answered and I told her what was going on

with my life. And she sent me a plane ticket to come home. I went, I got like a thousand Valiums because I knew

I could get rid of them here. And I fucking just came here like Super Bowl Sunday, 93. And I sold some Valiums, and I got a job selling cars, and I started doing comedy around the city at the New York Comedy Club and stuff like that.

So you left Colorado to go to, did you go to New York or back to Jersey? I went to Jersey. Okay. And then you would do comedy at night? Colorado to go to, did you go to New York or back to Jersey? I went to Jersey. And then you would do comedy at night? In New York city, I was selling cars, you know, and then finally she had a baby where I was staying. She was pregnant and they had a baby. So I had to find a place to stay. So my buddy had to go to rehab so his mother let me stay at his house while he was in rehab

with the deal that when he got out of rehab i was going to take care of him i was in no position to take care of anybody out of rehab i had my own rehab issues but i was a functioning you know i'm saying like i was so i was working in the city i stayed stayed in New York from January of 93 to November of 93. I probably got on stage 12 times in those months. Not as many as I should, you know. It was a hard time for me. I was watching a lot of comedy. You know, like when you're at that level that nobody will talk to you at a comedy club you just go there they know you're a comic kind of you did an open

mic there and you're in a bag of shit yeah they don't really they don't really talk to you and you don't talk to them like i was at that level so So I was going into like Lucian's Club and stuff like that and watch. And then at night, I would go to an open mic that started at 11. It went from 11 to 4. Damn, 4 in the morning?

And sign up was at 11. And when you got there, you were already at number 94. Holy shit. Yeah. It was like six minute spots. It was called Yale triple in. So I would sign up and I would drive a limo.

And I would go to Kennedy airport, pick up the last Asian because Japanese people usually fly in late about one. I'd pick them up. I drive them, drop them off. And then I go to your old triple n and my spot would be ready it'd be like 2 30 in the morning i'd be like half hour away from doing my spot i remember being on stage and seeing a chick giving a guy a handjob like that's the type of place it was like you know so i've always wanted to do stand up like at one of those old blues brothers places where they put the cage fence up and people can throw people can throw shit i've always wanted

to do that this this was the place without the cage it sounds like let me ask you this question real quick you're going through what you're going through you're in a dark place what is that six minutes doing for you um when you're getting on stage and at least getting to fucking tell these jokes does that six minutes helping you more than than any drug or you know yeah yeah because you want to keep going back right i was really at an all-time low human being the only thing that was keeping me alive was my day job. I liked my day job. I got a job working for a dear friend of mine who owned a sandwich place and he wanted

to start a delivery business. So I would go to all the businesses in the area, take their phone number, and I would fax them the menu for the day and i tripled his delivery business so i would work from 10 30 to 1 2 o'clock and make about 800 a week there and then i'd either drive a limo in the afternoon, 4 o'clock to 12, and that was it. That was my thing. I was also going into the city for drugs for people. People didn't like going into New York City to buy Coke, so I charged you a fee.

So grams of Coke were $35. I'd charge you $45. So you would pick up and deliver? Yeah, I'd pick up. I'd walk over the bridge in those days. Really? I used to walk over the George. Yeah, because they stopped you in the car.

George Washington Bridge? You could walk over that back then? Can you still now? Can you walk that bridge? Yeah. Oh, you can. I don't know if I'm in the shape to do it now. It's going to be a long walk.

Yeah, it's a long walk. But back in 93, I used to do it back and forth in an hour and a half. Cop, stop, eat some Cuban food on the other side. So my roommate had gotten out of rehab. And he's my best friend. We're still best, best friends. We talk every day. His daughter works for me on Patreon.

Oh, nice. All right. He went to rehab so it was me him and his grandmother living in a two-bedroom apartment in cliffside park new jersey so when he got out of the rehab he was hooked on heroin so it was like a joint family. He has a great family. So his grandmother, his mother, his sister, and his aunt were like his support system and me, you know, but it was me and his grandmother who lived there with him. Right. So every night, you know, he didn't have a job. He was on disability. They got him a job in the city, like moving rocks in the daytime. He got paid with food stamps once a week,

and he could go buy heroin with it. I love that heroin dealers will take food stamps. There's an asshole heroin dealer taking Bitcoin and shit today. You know that guy's out there. So George would sit there at night. We'd be watching TV, and he couldn't wait for his grandmother to go to bed.

That was our whole goal. You know, like if I walked in at 12 and grandma was awake, George's face was red because he was dying to shoot, but he couldn't because his grandmother was awake. George's face was red because he was dying to shoot, but he couldn't because his grandmother was awake. So I'd come in and I'd go, grandma, what are you doing up? Letterman's on. Go watch David Letterman.

And he'd look at me like, thank God. And then he'd go and she'd go in her room, close the door and she had a cat. She had a cat out of her room, on her bed. And she would just sit there at night snacking, like eating popcorn. And I would wait for George to go in the bathroom. And I'd time it perfectly.

You know, I'd let him burn it, let him put the fucking thing on, and then I'd shoot spitballs at him. Through the door. You're hitting them with... She would sit there with the cat and all of a sudden these spitballs would be hitting the bed and she'd be looking up at the ceiling because she thought the stuff was coming up the ceiling. And she'd go,

what the hell? And she'd get up and she'd go looking for her grandson, Georgie. What? And then I'd be in the room laying there, like making believe I was asleep. Yeah. And she'd come in and she'd go,

Georgie. And I go, grandma, it's me. And she goes, where's George? I I go I don't know and she knew he was shooting heroin in the bathroom so she would

she would she would storm to the bathroom and bang on the door and he's all tied off trying to get a face he's all tied up like he's over there looking like Marilyn Manson all tied up and shit.

So the other one I used to do to him, you know, their family's an art collector. They're art collectors. And they had this big gong in the hallway. And again, there were some nights that grandma would go to bed. I would lay down. But grandma would go to bed I would lay down but George would go to bed first he would play

it off like you know what grandma I'm tired he would go to bed sweating bullets because he knew if he went to bed grandma would go to bed because she wouldn't have to worry about him so again I'd let him go to bed grandma go to bed and then I'd go to bed grandma go to bed

and then I'd go to bed and sure enough George would get up give him enough time to cook the heroin and tie up his arm and then I'd walk out into the hallway with a hammer and I'd hit the gong I know those gongs

I've hit one of those before that fucking thing is loud. It made my daughter cry. They're loud as shit, man. I hit the gong, and again, she'd come out. What judge? I don't know. And she'd run into the bathroom.

Judge, you open up. And she'd bang on the door, the whole fucking thing. I'll never forget. It was like i was my life like i was physically and mentally down but my house was fucking hilarious he used to sit on the couch and flick his ashes behind the couch and i remember one day grandma caught him and she moved the couch and it was just a mountain of ashes. Like, do you know how many ashes it has to be for it to be a mountain? Yeah. Like, there was ashes on top of cigarettes.

He was just throwing cigarettes back there. And ashes. It was just a fucking, it was a horror show. I had to be in the city. fucking, it was a horror show. I had to be in the city some days. I had a free ride into New York because my

friend's father was a bus driver. So I had to learn his schedule. Oh, he would let you get on? For free, yeah. That's nice. His son is dead now, but he was alive then. And it was just my education into comedy it was

those nine months in new york like it was a lot of fun uh i did a couple crimes what kind of talk about all right okay all right like like ripping off drug dealers yeah i had a friend that was still into it. Let me ask you this. All the crimes that you've committed in your life, from kidnapping to dealing to whatever, what was the one that was most nerve-wracking? Would it be the kidnapping or would it be knocking off a dealer?

Because I feel like knocking off a dealer is dangerous shit. Knocking off a dealer. And I feel like knocking off a dealer is dangerous. Knocking off a dealer. And that's what I was doing. My buddy had gotten DEA badges. He was getting info. He was getting his

info from a DEA agent. And it was like stealing. And so you just go make those hits yeah on tuesday he's gonna get a delivery at his office of a kilo and he's got two guys then bring four guys then bring four guys with guns you know so i did that like two or three times and i was like i'm out of that business yeah I mean doesn't that just fucking aren't you always looking over your shoulder then I'm a fucking comedian

I'm done and then like August of 93 I was like what the fuck am I doing with my life I have a daughter back in Boulder this comedy thing I just came and looked behind I looked into the mouth of the tiger this requires a lot of work you know, this comedy thing. I just came and looked behind.

I looked into the mouth of the tiger. This requires a lot of work. It's going to be a lot. I could stay here and work really hard or go to Colorado, be closer to my daughter and work and do better work. Like I don't have to do bring them shows. Like I knew people who book shows every week at bars and stuff like that. And it was crazy. I got,

uh, I quit the job at the deli and like the end of the summer. And I got a job selling, uh, Nissan's and Lincoln's or something like that. Mazda's. Mazdas. God damn. And Englewood, Cliffs.

It's a high-end area. And one day this girl came in with this guy, a fucking beautiful girl, Puerto Rican girl, just a 12. Body-wise was a 12. And this kid's just a little mook, you know? And as I saw him in him the car they just graduated college she's a drug counselor he's like studying to be like a half a fag i don't know what the

fuck he's studying to be she she was beautiful you know and i called her two days later to see how the car was going as a salesman you always have to call and see how the car is doing. Is there anything else I can do for you? We got into a conversation. You know, and she goes, I want to come see you do stand up. And I sucked. And she came by herself. And I go, where's your boyfriend?

And she goes, me and him broke up. After three years, we decided it was time. So I started dating her under the lie that I was clean and sober. Oh, yeah, she's a drug counselor. Yeah, she was a drug counselor. But the car she bought for me, she was buying because she wanted to drive to Colorado. No way. She got a job offer in Denver.

So I said, listen, are you still going to Denver? And she goes, yeah. I go, I'll make the ride with you. It was like perfect. It was like she came in, bought the car, and a month later, we had to make a move. You know, she's like, I think I'm leaving like mid-October or something like that. And I'll never forget that I had no money put away. Like, I had nothing.

My money went to an attorney, child support, and my drug habit. I think I paid George's mom like 50 bucks a week to live there in the bedroom, you know, and that was it. Well, everything else went to my nose, an attorney bill and child support. So I had to rob one more drug dealer before you split.

Yeah. And that one was really scary. Why? You know, what can you say about it? Like when you're robbing them, are they there? Are you hitting their stash when they're not there?

Are you taking it from them? Like, how's it going down? They're there. They're there. They're there. Do they know who you are? Are you covered?

No, no, I don't know. Okay. No, we're covered no i don't know okay no we're covered i don't know them i don't know what their patterns are i don't know you know so that's the scary thing yeah so i needed money i needed quick cash and i remember we busted in there. It was the weirdest thing because this is how weird life is. I would work. If I didn't work at the deli, if I worked at the deli, I would meet this certain kid. And he would take his car.

He would rent like a car that resembled the cop car. And he would park three or four blocks from their stash house and he wanted them to see him right because in their mind we wanted them to think we were cops so when you come in and you're cops what are you gonna say just take everything gonna arrest us So we would go into guys as being cops, you know, like, you know, this one time it wasn't good.

The one guy was like, you're not a cop. I'm a bar. Really? He called it out. Yeah. And I was like, that's it.

I'm not doing this again. We had to run a little bit. Like I had to run like a block or two. You ever get shot at or anything like that? No, no, no, not get shot at or anything like that? No, no, no, not this time.

But then like that money took like 30% loan of what I owe. Like I still wasn't right. I still, I didn't have enough money to move. You know, I was fucking broke. I was living hand to mouth. And, uh, he called me up again and he goes i got a new line and a guy so this guy we followed when we followed him for about four

days and do you know this was the easiest money i ever made we were following him on the henry hudson parkway Expressway. We were like by 100th Street, 110th Street. And there's like a pull-off section. He just pulled off and ran away from the car. Oh, because he thought you guys were cops following him? That is easy as shit. We drove around for an hour. I'd take the car, too.

I'd take it all. We went back. We opened up the trunk, too. I'll take it all. We went back. We opened up the trunk. It was right there in the trunk. Four pounds. We took it. And that's how I made the money. And then I put a bet in.

Philadelphia was playing the Jets, I think, in Jersey. And Randall Cunningham got hurt. And I covered the bet. Like, the bet won. I won like another $8,000 or something. Like I already had money and I put this huge bet in. And the deal was if I won, I would collect. And if I lose, I was going to Colorado anyway.

Right. You know what I'm saying? I ended up winning. So that gave me more money to take to Colorado. winning. So that gave me more money to take to Colorado. So I think I left the Colorado maybe like a week before Halloween. Now I've done that drive from Maryland. So if you're doing Coke and pills and all this, how are you hiding that on a cross country trip with a drug counselor? cross country trip with a drug counselor. Well,

with her, I was, I just took a little bit of Coke with me and, uh, I had weed joints rolled, you know, with Banaca and, you know,

the whole fucking by zine and stuff. I would smoke in the mornings while she was taking a shower in the hotel room and go for a walk and air out and shit like that you know and then uh we got to denver you know i got to see my daughter we got an apartment like in aurora a suburb of denver she started her job i think I lasted 10 days in the house. And she caught me. She did? Yeah. And she goes, I had a feeling you smelled like marijuana 10 days ago.

Why didn't you just tell me the truth and all this shit? I'm like, I don't know. You were just so fucking hot, you know. She didn't go for it. She said she couldn't. That her job, she would lose her job, you know, she didn't go for it. She said she couldn't that her job she would lose her job, you know. So I ended up moving in with a cousin of mine, who was fucking nuts, you know. He wasn't a blood cousin, but we had grown up together. And I had seeked him out. He got me a job.

I worked with him for like a month or two selling cars. And then the weirdest thing, a girl came into my life. Now, I'm looking at my daughter. I'm seeing my daughter now, the whole thing. But this girl came into my life. Lori, her name was really pretty. I knew her for years. knew her husband i knew everybody all of a sudden when i get back in that time her and her husband broke up and she had just gone off

the rails she was doing blow every night the whole deal so me and her got a hotel room and lived together for about a month and And we were just like cocaine partners. We slept together a few times, stuff like that. But we were more friends than anything. And one day I bumped into a husband who was a great guy. He put his hand out and he goes, can I talk to you about something? I go, what's up? And he goes, listen, man man i really want to get back together

with my wife would you mind would you just give us if you left her alone he didn't threaten me or anything he this guy could probably beat me up but he was a man you know he goes you could do what you want but if you could help me i have a child with her and if i could get her sober the child could have a mother again you know so i remember i thought about it and i'm like this guy came up to me like a man you know so i stopped seeing her i just got my stuff and left she She was pissed. She called me a bunch of names. And I found a little apartment in Boulder right before the holidays. And, uh, yeah, I started 94 in Boulder.

So January, it was great. January 94. By that time I'm rocking and rolling in comedy and bolding. You are. And what are you doing to pay bills and things? Do you still have a job? Are you hustling? What are you doing?

I'm doing a couple different things. I'm fucking selling cars. I'm selling neon at the time. I was doing whatever I could to make it. You mean neon, like those lights and shit that used to be on everything? Yeah. Open signs and all that shit. Oh, okay. Like that. And

I was just doing comedy. Comedy was my life. Comedy was my fucking life, you know? So hold on here. I'll take a shit. Yeah. Can we keep this in?

Yeah, you can. It's a whole different kind of sit down right here. It's a whole different kind of sit down. When you have, when you have, you know, I'm tapering off the pain pills. So I got to eat these other pills that slice through your stomach. I drink three probiotic drinks a day, you know, but I take this pill. That's a pharmaceutical to really break things up in your asshole. When you got a shit, you got a shit, Jack. There ain't no

time out. They ain't know nothing. A couple weeks ago, I was doing a podcast and I had a shit. And I had to come in here with the camera and everything and just like nothing happened. There was an audio one for patreon

people were hearing the people put comments we heard you flush dude i've been there before i've been there where i go to fart and then i feel i'm like no no talking to myself like no i don't have the outfit for this. It's horrible. It's horrible to have to fucking do a podcast, not take a shit or piss in the middle of it. In the middle of this whole surgery, I had to take a little bottle with me into the podcast room. Oh, and pee in it? Sometimes when I was doing the podcast, I'd have to take my little dick out and pee in the bottle because I have a stocking on. It's taking

all the fluids out of my leg. So I got to pee every fucking 15 fucking minutes. Oh, man. Tremendous. Tremendous is right. This is a real podcast. This is how podcasting used to be. We'd all do it in our apartments

and cars. All these fags. Your studio, the lighting isn't right. Go fuck yourself. Don't you love those guys that complain about the lighting? The sound. How's the sound when you suck a dick on the street? How's that sound?

You fucking sack of shit anyway sorry about that it's a tremendous shit it's coming out nice and smooth good as you can see there's no pressure no faces no anxiety no nice and smooth that's his medication it's not even a stool softener it's a missile oh i see yeah i know those fucking uh those pills are clogging all up so this this this cleans you out on there's no it's right when it's now it's now right now yeah it's now there's no hold on i gotta wait i gotta do two things and i got Manscaped cologne right here. So I can sprinkle some on my ass right after this. You know what I'm saying?

A little right there in the muffler. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. You know me. I don't like putting my toilet paper on a thing. I got to do it fucking right here. And that's it. That's how we do it. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to sit here and call a timeout like some fruitcake.

Oh my God. Keep talking. I'm wiping. I'm ready. So what are we? January 94 pretty much now? Yeah, January 94. Here's the beautiful thing. You're not even remotely close to the first person I've ever talked taking a shit, but definitely the first I've ever talked to while podcasting.

Unless I didn't know. Unless they had a bucket under them or something. Oh my God. Thank God my hemorrhoid's gone. You know what I'm saying? I had this little hemorrhoid when I got here. And one day before the surgery, I went to float

in the tank. You know, it's salty water. That fucking salt got that hemorrhoid. It was like a fucking almond. Oh my God. I didn't even think about that. I had to run out of that fucking thing. I had to bend over in the shower and spread my cheeks like a gay guy on Halloween. On Halloween. Oh, my God.

All right, so January 94. Hold on, I got to pee. Hold on. Turn the camera this way. Turn now. You don't want to. Wait, you're going to stand up to pee now? Yeah, I don't pee sitting down like a fucking fruitcake.

Hold on a minute. You're already sitting there. Why would you stand up to pee when you're already sitting there? Because I don't like putting my dick in the toilet because I don't know who else put their dick in the toilet. Wait, you just took a shit and you're standing up to pee now. Yeah. I want to know if anybody out there does that. You already did all the work.

You're sitting there, man. You're just pissing out now. So what am I going to do? Put my dick in the toilet that's dirty. Other piss, other dicks have hit it. Now, you do a little manscaping while you're here. Yeah, clean it up a little bit. Unbelievable.

Throw some pubic hairs on you. And there you go. See what I'm saying? That is unbelievable. Oh, man. This is Manscaped's new cologne. Fucking refined. I'll spray some for the shit man in there. Take care. And that's it.

Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? Oh my god. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Upstart. Now, you know that credit card that you're afraid to look at to see what the balance is. Well, if you've been avoiding your debt, it's time to confront it. Upstart can help you face it and finally pay it off.

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get comfy. Sorry about that. No, no worries. When you got to go, you got to go, especially if you Sorry about that. No, no worries. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Especially if you're on that medication. I was tremendous shit. Had to be like 19 inches.

Oh yeah. It looked like three voodoo sticks sticking out of the fucking turret. Fucking tremendous. I've never heard that one in my life. Me neither. I just made it up on the spot oh god damn so january 94 january 94 colorado i go i'm in boulder and i just wrapped up i'm doing comedy. And where? Where back then? Sorry. Back then, there was a guy named Andy Payton who ran, who had seven.

He had 14 or 15 rooms. He was brilliant. I thank him for my comedy career. There's a lot of guys I got to give thanks to. Rogan, Stan Hope. But he's one of the earlier guys. We banged heads, but he liked me. And he did it right.

He put together a comedy newspaper. All these comics, I always complain. Nobody gives me a chance. I want to be a writer. Okay, here's your chance. You're a fucking writer. Write a column on comedy every week. You write a comedy on a chance. I want to be a writer. Okay. Here's your chance. You're a fucking writer. Write a column on comedy every week. You write a comedy on a comic. You

write an article about a comedy club. You write an article. He did this really smart. And then he would make the places that did comedy by advertising in his newspaper. And he would put the newspaper out once a week.

It was great. It was really great. I mean, I did comedy after a fucking line dancing class. You know, Monday nights was an Australian bar that only sat nine people. You know, Tuesday nights was a fucking Italian restaurant. Tuesdays. That the waiter was also an Elvis impersonator. Okay.

So he would cook, bring out the food as a waiter. And then while you were eating, he'd come out as Elvis. And he was just 400 pounds and fucking, you know, just the beginnings of comedy, you know. hundred pounds and fucking you know just the beginnings of comedy you know and here you are getting on stage watching joe tory and everybody on you know hbo and you're like i'm fucking doing comedy an italian restaurant for an elvis impersonator you know that part of comedy it's just frustrating yeah and even though you're doing it and you're writing and you're doing all the things you're supposed to be doing it's not moving as fast as you'd like it to be moving you know but i was all in i was out seven nights okay so there was that kind of scene where you could actually do seven nights a week okay well wednesdays was club 56 they gave you a free

steak that's why i hit the kids in the head with the microphone and busted his fucking head. That was one of those portable microphones. He kept flicking bottle caps at the comics. And I went up there and I go, the next time you flick a bottle cap, I'm going to fucking hit you in the head. And he walked up to the stage. So I just hit him with the microphone. And I forget the headliner's name. Years later, I saw the headliner.

And he goes, you're not going to hit somebody with the microphone tonight. Oh, yeah, I got that. So Mondays is the Australian bar. Tuesdays was Comedy Works open mic. Oh, they had this Mexican bar. That was an open mic. Wednesday was Club 56. Thursdays was El Torito.

They gave you a $25 gift certificate. And then Thursday, there was something else on Thursdays. And then Friday and Saturday, you're an open mic-er. You deliver Chinese food. All right, so I stepped on you. I'm sorry. You said January 94. You just got done something, so I stepped on you. Sorry. You said January 94 you just got done something.

You were starting to say you just got done doing something. No, I just I just moved back from New Jersey and I was getting my feet on the ground. It took me about three months to get going and now I was going. Things were starting to happen. I was starting to get little and now i was going all right like things are starting to happen

i was starting to get little calls for little comedy gigs you know forty dollars thirty dollars i had about 20 minutes of material you know what happened in new york that really sparked me was one of the last times i went to your old triple N, I walked in there at two in the morning and I saw John Leguizamo working out material for eight people. But in his mind, he was at Madison square garden. Yeah. So for years I was complaining that every time I got on stage, there was eight people. He made it look like Madison Square Garden. That's what made me say,

fuck New York. I could get better in Colorado just as much as in New York. Save half the money and be close to my daughter. Right. How old is your daughter at this point? Four.

I came back. i celebrated her fourth birthday that started problems with me and the ex-wife uh and that's what was going on i had an apartment i had a good job i was working for a sports betting service in the winter time and then on on the off season, I was delivering Chinese food for Coke. And I was also selling neon for my buddy. Okay. You know, I wasn't selling volume anymore because remember when I took the 10,000

volume to New York? Yeah. I never paid that guy back. So he had 10,000 and you were selling them at three bucks a pop too, huh? Something like that. Something like that. Man. He gave me like a thousand on the arm or something.

I told him I was coming back in a week. You know, I'll see you in a week. Okay. I didn't come back. When I came back, he had moved to a different part of Colorado. It was still close to me. So I always had the money if he needed it,

but I never bumped into him. So fuck him. Welcome to the drug game, cocksucker. Yeah, right. So I wasn't selling Valium anymore. I still had a line on cocaine. But what I really wanted to do was do comedy. I had it down. I could do comedy from February to August 15th. Then August 15th to February 3rd,

I was going to work for a sports betting service where I can make up to a hundred grand in six months. And then the rest of the year, do comedy and live off that hundred that's yeah okay that was the plan that was the original plan that nobody knows about i was very satisfied with that i was a piece of shit especially back then 100 grand even i mean now is a lot of money but back then i wasn't even it wasn't even about the money it It was about being close to my daughter and just being a human being. That's it. What I was doing for a living was not decent. Selling sports picks is not a great job.

It's a lot of fucking grinding. It's seven days a week. In football season, it's Saturday and Sunday. College football is on Saturdayay college football's on saturday and pro football's on sunday so but i had a balance i had this great balance it was gonna work i would make 100 grand they put money away for you whatever you put away they matched and then they sent you a check those months you didn't work and then on top of that i was gonna fucking uh deliver chinese food and sell coke and do stand-up i couldn't lose and when i say

sell coke i'm talking about i get a call from sam tripoli he needs a gram and i got a call from you that you need a gram yeah i buy an eight ball i give you two a gram i end up getting a gram and a half to 50 bucks you know i'm saying yeah that's what i mean selling coke i wasn't a coke salesman i mean yeah you were a volume salesman but not a coke salesman no no no and that wasn't really a value himself it was what i sold whatever was yeah you were a salesman, period. You got refrigerators? Let's do it. You know what I'm saying? Whatever fell off the truck.

Whatever fell off the truck. That's what I sold. You know what I'm saying? I don't want people to think I was at home. Now, when I say Coke sales, I'm talking about for me to snort the Coke I was snorting, I couldn't afford it. So I would have to wait for you

and Tom Segura to call me one night, you know, and say, yeah, we're going to do, get us two eight balls. Fine. I'm going to take a gram out of each eight ball. You know, shit like that. That's what I did. I was in a Coke sale. But everything was going great.

There was a great plan going on, but there was an undercurrent going on. And there was the undercurrent of the war between me and my wife, my ex-wife and her boyfriend. Oh, she's not by this right now. Okay. Right. By this time

when I left, she already had the boyfriend she had already moved in with him she had already sent two guys to beat me up and i beat up one of the guys really she sent people to fuck you up yeah three guys three guys i drive a driver and two guys the guy took off when he saw me in the car. And the other guy I hit. And the other guy I really threw a beat down on. And the other guy got away. Where did they get you?

In front of my house. They broke my rib. Damn. With a fucking two by four. They hit my dog with a two by four. They fucked your dog up? They hit my dog one time. No. That dude still don't eat right. two by four. They fucked your dog up. Oh, they hit my dog one time. No,

that dude, that dude stood on it. Right. And it wasn't because he hit me. It was for the disrespect. He showed the dog. That's right. That's right.

He stood up and he, right. That's right. I get a thousand blessings every day from St. Lazarus. Cause I made sure when I kicked him in the mouth, he's not going to eat right for the rest of his life. He's going to have to eat sideways.

You know how I was taking a shit doing the show sideways? That's him. When I heard my dog whelp that way, I heard my dog whelp. When you hear a dog whelp like that, everything in my body stopped. he had to die but i didn't have the balls to kill him so when he went down i must have kicked him in the jaw

50 fucking times and then i called the cop myself you did but i knew yeah oh you know okay because i was a convicted felon i knew that this didn look good, but this is also an attack on me. It's an assault. Yeah, of course. It's an assault on me. But somehow, because I'm a felon, they're going to turn this around. So I called the cop I knew.

I thought he was going to fucking call other cops and fucking, he's like, let's put fucking cellophane in my trunk and we'll drop more from front of the hospital. Fuck them. We put them in the trunk. We drove them to the hospital with the trunk open and everything. Yes, we did.

He was a cop. Yep. You threw a guy in the back of a trunk with a cop. This ain't the first dude you put in the trunk. And he wasn't on duty. You drove a fucking guy to the hospital with a cop in his trunk. But he knew what was going on in my life. I had a couple of cops that were my friends, and I told them what was going on in my life, and they knew what was happening.

So when I fucking called him, he came over and he goes, fuck him. He deserved what he got. You know, when I told him that they, bro, when a cop comes in Cal, in Colorado, when you tell somebody that somebody hit your dog, guns are going to come out. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I'll bet. My dog was still walking weird. I remember him looking at my dog and looking at the guy and kicking him again just out of fucking principle.

We took the fucking guy. He knew where the cop, he knew where the hospital had cameras because he was a cop. So we dropped him off on a corner where he couldn't be seen. We spit on him and we fucking got him and called him left. So the next day, they attacked me

on a Saturday night. They attacked me on a Saturday night and I was supposed to get my daughter on Sunday morning. They thought I was going to call them and cancel. I never called and canceled. They showed up and they were like pale when they showed up and I didn't say

nothing. But did you know before that or is that when you put two and two together? Oh, I knew it was that. You did. I knew it was, I knew exactly who it was. Ain't nobody that fucking dumb, you know? Can nobody that be that stupid? She, he was that stupid.

She didn't tell him the proper animal that I was. She didn't explain it to him. That's what really got me mad about the divorce, that she was there with me in the early 80s when I carried guns and did things that were not supposed to be done that were very illegal. So for her to act this way really surprised me. I'm like, you know where I'm coming from. You know what could happen here. And you're still throwing fire on this. You're still throwing alcohol on this fire.

So that before I went to New York, that was why I was so down. Because they wanted me out of the kid's life. I hadn't done anything, but I'll never forget when they came to pick her up that Sunday, I put the kid in the car and I looked at them and I told them that somebody had attacked me and they both turned pale. I pulled up my shirt and I showed them the purple. It was just purple. I couldn't even really move my arm. And they were like, oh, my God, we hope you're OK. And I'm like, I'm fine.

I got the guy's license. He's from Idaho. And the guy, John, a boyfriend was from Idaho. I go, aren't you? Aren't you from Idaho, John? And that was the last word I said, because the first man who speaks after that loses. I just left it at that, and I walked away from the car. And now they knew.

That you knew, yeah. It's on now. It's on. Now we're taking it to a different level. It's on. I wasn't wise about it i wasn't 58 i would have handled it differently today how how would you how well how did you handle it by leaving okay i left by leaving because it kept escalating. And I knew in my world. Because that was January of 94.

Okay. By December of 94, we were at such a war back and forth. That she just called me out of the blue one day. And said, I made up my mind. You're not getting up for Christmas. Now I was heartbroken. You know, I'm, I'm paying all my money to attorneys.

I suck at comedy. I want it so bad. You know, I would go home at night and snort Coke and cry. Most people go home at night, snort Coke and get their dicks up. I would go home, snort coke and cry most people go home at night snort coke and get their dicks up i would go home snort coke and fucking cry like a pussy oh shit you know and it was just it was just it was just uh i was just in a bad place you know and and i wanted to be a dad i wanted to do comedy and i wanted to fulfill

my obligation but i could tell that they weren't having it so christmas of 94 i get a call like the 22nd let's just call it the 22nd so uh and it was her attorney saying that she decided not to give me the baby i called her like a man and said you know why are you doing this and she gave me like a remark like because i can and hung up on me. Ryan Sickler, I thought that was total disrespect. First of all, she moved the guy, she moved the baby into the man's house without my consent or knowledge. If that was to happen anywhere from Baltimore to Boston,

I could have shot it in the head and called the cops and the cops wouldn't have arrested me. They would have said, we understand. You can't move a child into another man's house without permission. That's just general human decency. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I can't see your wife moving your child into my house without us meeting.

No. Absolutely not. That should never happen. into my house without us meeting. No. Absolutely not. That should never happen. And they've already sent fucking henchmen over to fuck you up on top of. Yeah. So I had to go to war. I had to go to war with these people.

So they called like on the 22nd. That night I went out. I did my comedy and I was heartbroken. that night I went out I did my comedy and I was heartbroken and I thought in the 23rd or the 24th one of those days is maybe like a Friday or a Thursday I'd have to look it up

I was so broke then I didn't even cook in this house all I had in this house was fat tire beer that's all I had fat tire beer. That's all I had. Fat tire beer. I always ate out. I didn't even have a knife.

I think I had a fork and a spoon and maybe one knife, not a steak knife, just a regular butter knife. I went to a friend's house, a friend of mine. They're Cubans. And they were getting ready for Christmas and they're cutting shit. And they go, I need a big favor. I got to cut friend's house, a friend of mine. They're Cubans. And they were getting ready for Christmas, and they're cutting shit. And I go, I need a big favor. I got to cut something at the house. Can I borrow your knife? And she goes, take whatever one you want.

And I took the biggest one. They had, like, those racks, you know? I took the biggest one. I put it in, like, a bag, and I put it in my car. And my job was I was going to drive down to where he worked and I was just going to cut him. I was just going to end his life. Damn.

That's it. That's it. The day before Christmas, I'm going to jail for murder. I got in my car. I drove all the way down there. I got out of my car. I hid the knife in the jacket and I put my arm under it real close. There was kind of a security guard at the thing. I went up to the receptionist. I said, where can I find John from this company? She told me upstairs. find john ba ba bop from this company she told me upstairs they didn't ask me to sign nothing or nothing there was a couple elevators i walked up when i got to whatever floor i went to his office when i walked in the receptionist was there and she's like can i help you and i go

i need to speak to john such and such and she she goes, oh, my God, if you look in the hallway, you probably just missed him. He took an early lunch today. And I remember that I just didn't even reply to her. I just turned around. And I got on the elevator. And I went outside. I looked around to see if I saw him. And when I didn't see him, I walked to my car,

and I just broke down and started crying. Because God just saved my life. He sure did. He saved two lives. He saved two lives. I was already prepared to go to prison. And at that time, the big thing was comics or writing jokes for Jay Leno and if he bought

a joke you got $25 in the mail that was my plan to write jokes for Jay Leno if he's there do you do it would you have done it at the office and everything the setting the whole thing you would have done it wow yes okay

how I felt that day I was sick and tired of feeling that way. It had been, you know, three years I was feeling that way. You can't take that for so long. That, you know, runs on you. That really wears on you. You know, when I was in New York, I would send her presents. She never got the boxes. She never got the letters.

She never got anything I sent. If I sent child support to the house, they mysteriously never got it. It was just a string of fuck yous. I had a fight to have her third birthday party at the house, or the fourth one, whatever. So that, and then it was weird because I got in the car, I cried, I went home. And as soon as I got home, I got a text message from my attorney that she was going to give me the kid

for Christmas. And you know, again, I made such a big deal about getting the kid for Christmas. I was in no position to even throw Christmas. I didn't even know what to serve for Christmas.

I didn't even have a Christmas tree. I had to go down to Kmart and rob a tree. Like one of the ones on the ones that are outside. On the lot. Yeah. And in Boulder, they're nice people. They were open on Christmas Day. They had an envelope on the wall

and it said, take a tree, leave the money in the envelope. I went in there and people had actually left cash. I took the cash. Of course you did, and the tree. And I took the fucking most expensive

tree they had. Got me. I went home. Got a Scottish pie here. I fucking... I remember I didn't even have scotch tape to put the decorations on the wall. I had to use duct tape to put the decorations on the wall.

It was such a sad Christmas, you know? I'm like, what kind of dad am I? Yeah, every single gift she had was shoplift. There wasn't one gift that I gave her that year. She had a room full of gifts. I had shoplifted every one from Jeffrey. What's that? Toys R Us.

Toys R Us. Jeffrey, I love that you remember his name. Those Jeffrey dollars. Jeffrey, yeah. Jeffrey. Fucking, you know, looking back, it was just a fucking embarrassment. You know, I ordered Chinese food. I had it from like two to five on Christmas Day.

You know, like. What a fucking. Just what a heartbreak, you know. When she left, man, I'm driving a car that to close my car, I got to put a bungee on the door. Oh, yeah. Hold the door shut. And she pulls up in a Land Rover or something,

you know, like one of those fucking cars, you know, with her soon to be husband. And it was just a shitty way to feel. It was, you know, when people hit me up and like,

I'm having a bad day. I know exactly what you're like. It was, you know, when people hit me up and like, I'm having a bad day. I know exactly what you're like. That's what I went through for three fucking years with that, you know. And then January of 95 was when I started rocking and rolling with comedy. I started really like one night I went on stage to do 15, and the guy that was doing the show took a girl outside and got his dick sucked, so he never gave me a light. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I ended up staying on stage for like 43 minutes or something, 34 minutes. And when he got off, he's like, you did 34 minutes, so 43 minutes, one of those. And I'm like, that's it. I'm calling APA tomorrow. I'm ready for the big time. I just loved comedy.

I was in a groove. I was out every night. And I got her on Sundays and Wednesdays. And those were my toughest days. When I had to drop her off, so I would put a joint in the ashtray. when I had to drop her off. So I would put a joint in the ashtray. I would drop her off.

And then on the walk to the car, I would cry. And I'd sit in the car and I'd cry. And I'd smoke a joint. And I forced myself to go do comedy, no matter how bad I felt. That's right. I think that part of how I got good at comedy was because of those Wednesdays and Sundays. I forced myself to go to the worst two comedy spots in the world. Sunday was line dancing.

I had to follow a line dancing class. dancing i had to follow a line dancing class and wednesday i had a fucking you know it was it was just a bad time in my life you know it was like everything was shit except my comedy career you know and then like in march her and i really started going at it like every time March 95 is that what okay yeah so now she says fuck you I'm gonna start sending him to drop the kid off to really she was doing stuff to get under my nose sure I'm trying my best I'm like you know what I'm going to fucking be a gentleman. I'm going to take the high road. And one day he said something to me. He said, if I was you, I would think twice before you take her to see Jurassic Park or something like that. And I just spit right in his fucking face.

Like, he was sitting in the car. And he like used like that, you know, what do they call that white uh white privilege yeah yes i don't mind how you talk to me just don't white privilege me yeah because it's not gonna work out for you he white privileged me and i mean i didn't say a word i just had like a snot in the back of my throat. I could feel it, but I had to spit. And it was like automatic. I just spit right in his face because that's the point of my life. It was that like, we're, we're, we're going at it.

We're done talking. There's no reason for you to make small talk with me. You don't like me. You're trying to cut my legs out from under me. Now you're telling me about a movie. Don't talk to me. I just spit in his fucking face and i still remember him looking at me for like three minutes and the spit rolling down his face he didn't even have the heart to wipe it off the fucking mutt that he was you know i'm not mad at him no more it was a different time it was a different place and then then she took me to court because he was scared.

He claimed that he was scared to come. After they sent people out to fuck you up, he's scared. So I had to hire a girl to meet her to get the kid. It was a fucking nightmare. And then one day she decided, don't worry about it. I'll meet you. Cause it wasn't working for her.

She wasn't instigating me no more. It was perfect. Now I wasn't seeing her at all. She didn't want that. She wanted to get me going. She wanted to round me up. So it's about April of 95.

I fucking go to the comedy works one night and I'm in the comedy works now. I'm not a regular, but she's giving me star spots during the week. And there was a manager there that didn't like me on paper. He liked me, but deep down inside, he didn't like me. Because at one time, we were neck and neck. And then I just got way funnier than he was. So he got into the management business instead. And he told Wendy that I had smacked the girl's ass.

I was supposed to open up for George Lopez that week. And Wendy called me and said, yeah. And Wendy, you know, I love Wendy to death. She called me up and she's like, Joey,

you're banned. I got a ban, you know? And I'm like, listen, if you call me and told me I robbed you or fucking, you know, smack somebody,

or I said something wrong on stage, I would accept it. But I didn't grab no woman's ass. First of all, if I'm going to grab something, I'm going to grab the money. I'm going to grab that monkey. If I do grab something, I'm not going to grab some skinny chick's ass. What do I get out of that?

So, you know, it was like everything, like nobody, everything, nothing wanted me there in Denver anymore. Like now I couldn't do comedy now. Like I was doing so good comedy wise and I couldn't even do comedy anymore. And then one, I'm picking her up from daycare now on Wednesday. We got it this good now. On Wednesdays, I could pick her up at Montessori and then take her till 7. And this one day, I pick her up at Montessori and as we're going up the stairs,

she goes, you know, she would always ask me questions. Daddy, what does this mean? Or what does this word mean? We were walking up the stairs and she asked me what the word spick meant and i go why where'd you hear that and she goes whenever you call the house john says that the spick is on the phone oh shit and what was your what was your ex-wife's nationality by the way she's a. She's a white girl. Okay. Good people. Good people.

Good family. I love how people have to clarify white people. They're good people. We cause so much trouble. Okay. So he says that, and your daughter's asking you what that means. So now let me tell you something. So now let me tell you something. About a month before this day, I had a good friend, a good friend named Fred.

He was a Vietnam vet. We had met in 1985, the summer of 85 in Boulder. Now it's 95 and we're dear friends. For some reason, for years, I thought Ed was a medic in Vietnam. Ed was a lurk. Ed was one of those guys that cut your ear off and collected it and shit in Vietnam. So I would see Ed at night.

Ed would come to watch me do comedy in Boulder and places, you know, like I think there was a poetry shop that we did comedy at and i would meet ed and give him a couple bucks and smoke a joint with him so ed knew what i was going through my pain so ed's like let's just kill him you know ed's like i don't know why you're going through this i go yeah but do we shoot him do we bury him he goes no we don't we shoot him? Do we bury him? He goes, no, we don't. We take him to Chautauqua Park, to the top, and we rub him down with maple syrup,

and we'll let the bears eat him. They eat everything. They'll eat his elbows. They'll eat everything. You're going to cover him in syrup and just tie him up so he can't run and then the bears are gonna eat him jesus put a gag in his mouth break his jaw so he can't talk and let the bears eat him i mean that's how crazy i was oh my god that's how crazy i was yeah this is why when i tell people i'm 58 and you have no idea that you are i've known you for a long time. I've never

heard of any syrup on a motherfucker. I'm telling you we were going to put syrup on this motherfucker and let the bears and the tigers eat him. That was the plan. And then like that there'd be no fingerprints, there'd be no DNA, there'd be no bullets, there'd be no

hole in the ground, there'd be nothing. So what we were going to do is I was we were going to there was a drop we were going to close that fucking street like Ed was that crazy Ed was going to get combs to detour him and then we were going to

jump him and fucking fuck him up that was the plan all along we were going gonna fucking kill this motherfucker and if she was and if she was with him she was going down too like this is this was how bad my mind had taken this you know i was talking about on my podcast the other day how when your mind takes something sometimes it just takes it that's why there's mental health issues i was having really bad mental health issues you know stem from anger and frustration i mean your whole background so i'm getting ready to kill this motherfucker

and now i pick up my daughter and she's telling me he's calling me a spic. He's got to die today. Like, I'm like, he's going to die today. I don't even have time to call Fred. I didn't even have a cell phone. I had a pager.

You know, I, there was no cell phones in 94. Right. If they were, I didn't have one. I didn't have that type of money. No.

So I, me and her did what we usually did. We went to a park, you know, we went to North Hollywood, North Boulder Park. I know I forget that. And the reason why I remember North Boulder Park, because there's a little, uh, not a grave site, like a memorial. And I remember that day, it was Joe Welsh's daughter. Joe Welsh, the guitar player from the Eagles, lived in Boulder. And his daughter died, but he lived in Boulder.

And he made a special little thing for her. I'll never forget this day, for some reason, how it went down. And I remember thinking like, wow, this is crazy that, you know, just somebody's going to end up in a fucking grave here over, over an argument about a kid, you know, about a child that somebody's going to die over this. Either I'm going to go to jail for life or he's going to die over this. Either I'm going to go to jail for life or he's going to die. And I'm, you know, this is not good. And I remember getting in the

car at like 6.30 and I had to meet her at Safeway. On this particular day, they switched the meet they switched the meat from Boulder to Safeway. It was outwards a little more. And I'll never forget that when I was out on bail for kidnapping, they made me do community service and I did it at the age place. And in 85, age was not a popular thing yeah there was there was always a cop on duty there you know protecting the age guys because they would get bomb threats and shit so i became friends with the cop at the age place i would always talk to him. I would paint walls. And I was telling him what I was going through also with my wife.

So all this is in play. I'm driving to the thing and I'm like, Jackie, are you sure that he said the word spick that you didn't hear this somewhere else? And she's like, no, daddy, I heard it from him. I thought it was like a funny word or something. I'll never forget pulling up at Safeway. I go, Jackie, wait here. Let me go talk to John. I got out of the car and I walked up to John. I go, John, listen, I don't want any problems. I got a five-year-old girl in the car and she says that you use the word spic. five-year-old girl in the car and she says that you used the word

spic. Is it true? And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. He's like Thurston Howell III. I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm like, dog, listen. Spic is an East Coast

word. This is Boulder, Colorado. Nobody uses this fucking word. Just man up and tell me you did it and we'll move on. And he goes, I feel threatened. I'm going to call the police. I go, why would you feel

threatened if you didn't say it? Did you say it? He goes, I'm going to call the police. I go, before you call the police, I got something for you. And I just smacked him open-handed with everything I had. Fucking five years. While he's sitting in the car? No, he's standing up.

He's outside. He went shopping for something. I caught him as he was bringing the groceries back. So he was putting them in the car. And he's like, where's Jack? And I'm like, before that, I got to talk to you. And he and he goes i'm gonna go inside and call the police i feel uncomfortable it was five years of aggravation i smacked him with an open hand to make it even worse for him that's the biggest insult in my world not a punch to the face slap you like a man smacking him I just slapped him open handed

and he took I slapped him so hard that he lost his footing he's like that's it I'm calling the police I go before you call the cops I got one more for you so I got him with a double whammy right I'll never forget some lady

was up the corner and she yells I'm calling the police. I'm like, go fuck yourself. You fucking cunt. This was like five years, four years of torture that these two idiots had put on me three and a half years.

So sure enough, the cops come, but because there's a God up in the sky, guess who was the passenger cop? Your buddy from Safeway. No way. From the AIDS place. No way.

So he came to me. The other cop came to me. I told him my story first. He knew the story with John. You know, they put us together. Then they separated us, then they decided to give me a ticket for both of us

to appear as a summoner. They didn't charge me with anything. Okay? We both go to court and at court I walk into court and who is it? It's the judge that sentenced me now he's now he's a civil judge so they turned this into like a house thing like a domestic situation

i think so i going i had always written the judge letters. I'm a letter writer. I wrote the judge a letter when he sentenced me, thanking him for putting me in jail. And I wrote him letters every month. Thank you. I'm the number one convict in this facility. I eat all my corn, you know, whatever. I got into standup comedy. I got my GED, you you know i would write him letters every month so he knew what was going on he was prepared already that's interesting so when he walked in him and my wife he had a legit backstory he knew your backstory that's something a judge never does because you're just a stranger to a judge who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas, baby. So fucking the judge, they're in court yelling.

They even bring, they're so desperate. Who's they? Who's yelling? My ex-wife, her boyfriend. They're so desperate. They bring the arresting officer on the kidnapping case in to talk on their behalf, on bad for the community and shit. They didn't know I was talking to this judge the whole time. Me and this judge have been tight. Plus, I go to his brother.

He's my dentist. You know what I'm saying? Like, who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? You know me, dog. I'm a professional. When I go, I go. I work it from every fucking angle. You sure as, dog. I'm a professional. When I go, I go. I work it from every fucking angle. You sure as fuck do.

The mafia is working it from every angle. So we're in court, and the judge rips up the summons. And he goes, there's only one problem here. There's a Boulder state, a Boulder county law. You can't use a racial slur in the city limits. Is that right? I smacked him one block into the city limits. So the court got thrown out of court.

And then her and him and the cop started yelling at the judge to reprimand me and all this shit. And the judge, I'm like, I'm not having it. The judge looked at my wife and he goes, weren't you in here a couple of years ago, singing his praises. Now you want to come in here and tell me he's a bad guy. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. The next time you miss a visitation,

I'm going to find you a thousand dollars and throwing you in jail for contempt of court. So she starts crying. Her boyfriend starts crying. He's crying. The cop is yelling. And now Joey Diaz goes to work. There was a long walk out of that fucking courtroom.

It was like a 100-yard walk to the car. I didn't stop saying shit to the car. I kept walking, saying saying tell your husband i used to put up your ass with carrots tell him tell him i used to i call it kathy carrots and all this shit i never put a carrot in her ass but i had a fucking saying? It got so bad, he walked away from her. Like, I was saying so many things to her, like a pussy smells like feet, that he walked away from her. That's how embarrassing it

got. He was so embarrassed. I got in my car. I didn't feel too good about what happened. But here's the clinker. But after I smacked John and the cops came, I remember looking at the car and seeing my daughter and she was crying. She was upset. I saw my dad, my stepdad beat up a guy when I was six and I was jumping up and down. I was my you know, I'm saying that was my world. Yes. Right? That was my world. That was my world.

This little girl, this isn't her world. So all these factors contributed. I go, they're trying to put a family together. I'm just here. I'm just here wasting time. Even if I get co-parenting, whatever that's called. Mixed whatever. It's co-parenting, whatever that's called, mixed, uh,

whatever. It's co-parenting, right? Split custody, split custody, shared custody, whatever. Let's be honest.

That's what I have. What type of, what type of father, what type of father would I be at the age of, but this time it's 95. I'm 32 years old. I'm like, let's say I do get split custody.

What's going to change? I'm still going to do coke. There's no woman in this house. The only women that come here that suck my dick, they're terrible women. They just do blow by blow and do coke, you know. There's no food. I don't cook. I have no foundation.

I don't go to church i have nothing that requires me now i don't even have a comedy club i met a girl in seattle i met a girl in michigan she said she was moving to seattle i prayed on it for about a month and I thought about it. This was going to end. This thing in Boulder was going to end. There was three ways this was going to end. Me being dead, me going to jail, him dying or both of them dying. And then my daughter has to be raised without a parent.

Right. I put it in the Lord's hands and I said, you know what? I'm going to do an extended triple run. I took a two month triple run. I paid my rent off. Yeah. You did what?

All the Pacific Northwest and shit. Yeah. The potato one to run one potato run to the whole thing. And I said, I'm going to put it in God's hands. And I'm going to be a comedian. And I'm going to make her proud of me. I'm going to prove whatever they told her wrong of me. And then I'll be her father.

Well, 30 years later, I proved her wrong, but I still don't have her. But God drew me the 18. God drew me another little girl that fills the void. Now I have a real family. I act like a real man man i'm not a savage anymore and that's it for today so now we're in june of 95 i'm writing it down june 95 all right joey diaz i fucking love you what an episode again what an episode um one more time promote everything

the patreon all that stuff again please patreon and uncle vinny's and point pleasant the whole month month of march on wednesday nights all right brother 37 37 tickets you're in no danger of getting covid he spaces it out byob it's a great club i love dino and That's the only place I'm performing at right now in Jersey. That's awesome, brother. Well, thank you for making time for this. Thank you for having me, brother. I love you. I miss you.

I miss you like hell. We'll pick up whenever we do next time, June of 1995. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media. RyanSickler.com. We'll talk to y'all next week. ... ...

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