The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - John Goblikon | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #377 | Full Episode

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

My HoneyDew this week is insurance salesman, published author and podcast host John Goblikon! Check him out on his pod, Right Now with John Goblikon. John joins me to Highlight the Lowlights of his journey as a goblin coming to assimilate to earth! After a troll take over on his original planet, John’s parents knew he was destined for more, and shot him off in a cage to a new world that happened to be Earth! With a great family who adopted him as their own, John starts and shares his experience diving into the ways of Earth! From being 30k in goblin years and going back to high school, to finding his place working in the corporate world, and even trying to navigate love and relationships as a goblin in a human world, John spills it all! He even gives some insight to other great legends he knows, like E.T. and Yoda. 🎟️See me live. All tickets at www.ryansickler.com/tour 🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! http://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE 👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more! http://youtube.com/@rsickler ✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month! Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler 📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] 👕Get Your Merch👕 http://www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/ 🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧 The HoneyDew - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250 The Wayback - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479 Patreon - http://www.patreon.com/ryansickler 📣 Follow Me📣 ▪ Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/ryansickler/ ▪ TikTok: http://www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler ▪ Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial 🕸️ryansickler.com/ 🍈thehoneydewpodcast.com/ 🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀 http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything, like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. Dallas, Texas, I'm headed your way March 27th and 28th. Spokane, Washington. I'll see you guys April 3rd and 4th. Buffalo, New York, I'm headed your way. I'll see you guys Friday, April 24th, and Saturday, April 25th. Get your tickets now at Ryan Sickler.com.

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler.com and Ryan Sickler on all your social media. I can't thank you guys enough for supporting the show, supporting anything I do out there. And if you've got to have more, you have got to check out the Patreon. It's called The Honeydue with y'all. It is this show with y'all. And if you haven't checked it out yet, look, the thing to do you can do for free is to go check out the best of episodes. We just did one with Tom Segora. I think we have about three other ones with Josh Wolf.

And then you can go over. And for five bucks a month, a cup of coffee, you're getting. years worth of wild episodes. All right. Check it out. It's on Patreon. And we also have exclusive episodes of the Junkyard series

that I did in Baltimore over there as well. All right, that's the biz. You know what we're doing here? We highlight the low lights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers.

And I am very excited to have this guest with us today. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome. John Goblican. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at it.

I mean, dude, thank you so much. for like color coordinating the set. I mean, I feel so seen right now, dude. Do you feel safe and seen? I do, man. I mean, this is like goblin green. I love the choices.

It's built for you. It is a pleasure to meet you. And it's nice to meet you. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely. Before we get into your story, John, right there, please feel free to promote anything you'd like.

All right. Make sure you check out Ryan Sickler's Patreon. I mean, for a cup of coffee. I mean, that seems like a pretty darn. of episodes. I mean, my Bob. Also, you can find me on my podcast, the right now podcast with John GobbleCon. I'm going to have Ryan on at some point. I've had people like Howie Mandel, best selling, Rick Glassman, Mark Norman, all kinds of stuff you can check out. And coming out in a couple of weeks, we have Kev on stage. I mean, what a killer he is. So yeah, and also I am going to try and put up my one gob show. Just me on stage. for 45 minutes. I'm going to try and do it at the lesion in L.A.

So maybe by this is out, that will be able to be, you know, buy those tickets and stuff. All right. And then you're also going to shoot that and release that eventually somewhere. They'll be able to see if they can't attend. Maybe, Ryan, there might be little rumblings of that, I think.

I like it. I like it. Yeah. All right. So let's jump in, bro. Let's do it, man. I'm ready. I was told that we would be digging into my past,

you know, I took some Lexaprow or whatever that was given to me by your producer before this. I feel relaxed. Great. I'm ready. I have, first question I'm going to start with is John Goblican. What's your actual birth name? Is it Jonathan?

Do you have a middle name? Do you guys do that where you're from? Yeah. So, I mean, have you spoken Goblin before? Never. You're my first time. Yeah, so John Goblican was the name given to me by my adopted human. parents, which I'm sure we'll get into. But my goblin name is, oh, you know, so that's,

that's just kind of how it would be pronounced in our goblin language. Is there a translation, an English translation for Jonathan? Yeah. Jonathan. So they just lucked out. Yeah, I mean, they nailed it. Just really good choice, I thought. Great. Okay. Seems like solid choice of parents. I think so. Yeah, I lucked out. What's your birth, or do you have an Earth birthday? You know, I, because of, you know, coming for the metal world and stuff like that, they were like, you know, John, like, what do you think your Earth birthday would be? So I just went with kind of like six, six, six. Got it. Yeah.

Okay. So June 6th. Yes. Is your birthday. And would they celebrate that yearly with you? Yeah, every year. Yeah. Yeah.

And did they, is there any way to gauge in our human number system, how old you would be? I just turned 30 K. So, you know, I, yeah, I think I look great for my age, Ryan. 30,000 years. Yeah, dude. You're stunning. You are fucking stunning. I feel much.

And a full head of hair, well, almost. Yeah, I mean, if you, I kind of got like the, the forefather look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. I was like, give me the Benjamin Franklin, you know. You got the Benny Franklin. Yeah, dude. I like it. But it's also a, it's a preceding hair line.

A lot of people don't know that about golfics. It's coming in. Oh, you're growing still. Yeah, so another 30K, I think I'll, you know what I mean? I'll be looking like Fabio. It'll be fantastic. All right. So let's go back to the beginning.

Gosh, there's two beginnings for you now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah. There's your goblin beginning. Correct. And then there's Earth beginning. Yes. Yeah. What would you like to talk about first?

I mean, let's go to the beginning, beginning just to find out a little bit about your history. and where you're from and then we can go to planet Earth. Absolutely, yeah. You know, I am not from this planet. And so we come from a far, far, far off planet. It was like a nice like goblin village, you know, lower middle class, you know. All right, it was gated.

Okay, upper middle class. There was a gate to get in. You could punch you to code and stuff like that. But I grew up around. pretty much all goblins. And that was kind of the way I grew up. It was a nice goblin community. But what happened was at some point,

we were overrun by the T word. Can I say it? Yeah, yeah. Trolls? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Wow, hard hard. Yeah, I hit it with that.

You know. Okay. All right. It's all right. No, yeah. So we were overrun by. They fuck Billy Goats gruff up for us a long time ago. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You know what I'm like? Represent. But trolls, man, like trolls, a lot of people don't know, like, goblins and trolls. We have, like, a very longstanding beef. I did not know. Yeah, we're like the original Bloods of the Crips. Okay.

You know, like Brittany and Christina, you know, so to speak. What's like a modern. We see how that one ended. Yeah. I mean, I hope you guys are the, the Christina's. That's what, yeah. Yeah. I want to end up on a nice reality show, talent show, and not with my head shaved,

begging at an SUV with an umbrella. Slowly as that hair comes in. What the fuck I'm talking about? I'm actually, I'm the reverse Brittany. That's what I am. That's what I'm trying to do, man. Okay, so wait, I have a question. Yeah.

Of course I have a million questions. I'll try to shut up though. Sure. On this planet, is it a name for the planet? Is it a planet or is it a star? Where do you come from? I think the way you guys would look at it and you'd be like, well, that's a planet. You know?

Pluto is a planet to me. So I'm probably going to say it's a planet. Oh, so you're on that side. Of course. I'm on your side. Pluto is a planet. There's a planet, dude. And all of a sudden they're like, forever.

They're like, this is a planet. These are our planet. 30,000 years, according to you, it's a plan. Not just the 52 I've been here. And all of a sudden it's not. Yeah, it's like, dude, it's like you have one podcast where Neil deGrasse Tyson is like, that ain't a thing anymore. And it's like, what's going on, man?

Okay. So on your planet, are there just goblins in the way that there are just humans here? What do you have pets and things, et cetera? And I asked that because is it also inhabited by trolls or did trolls come in and take over? Yeah. So it is a goblin planet. And it's green. You know what I mean?

And honestly, it kind of looks like your logo, dude. Like it's a little bit like that. Oh, I see. Yeah. Where would you say you lived on this? I probably lived like right in the Ryan Sickler area. Perfect. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's a great spot for it. Yeah. Absolutely. It's weird. It looks like a gate. community area. Yeah, same fought too, which is very interesting. But I lived there and it was mostly goblins. It's all us, you know, and then out of nowhere, the trolls come over. I don't know if

they like beamed it or they just, I don't know how they got there, but all of a sudden, everywhere we looked, you know, and it was just a battle. It was just an epic battle. We were trying to fight them. They were trying to fight us. We had to dance off. And then my parents, I think they were like, it's getting a little too dangerous. And they realized when I won the dance competition. Oh, you want it? Yeah. I can move.

Thank you. I think they were like, dude, there's more for you. So they were like, where can we send him where he's going to really thrive? And they knew I was a little performer, you know? And I think they saw Earth because, I don't know if you know this, but like, we definitely consume a lot of your, you know, content, entertainment. I did not. It's honestly

I don't know reached out that far okay yeah see we always wonder if we're like the dumpster to the galaxy or wherever you guys are from we always wonder if people fly by him

like fuck that place they're shooting each other killing each other they're crazy down there yeah but you actually enjoy what you're saying that may be true but it sounds like you might like

what we put out art and entertainment yes yeah everyone loves your podcast oh yeah fuck yeah hell yeah I only do

I mean, how we're to monetize that out. That's approved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. We got to find the right kind of YouTube algorithm to get you over interstellar. You know? Help me, John. Yeah, dude. I'm going to do it, dude.

I'm going to get us out there. They're watching. They're listening. If anyone out there is watching listening, just know, like, you know, we're all paying attention to what you guys are doing. Well, you know, it's really cool, actually. Your people may see this one day because you guys live much longer than we do. Yeah. I apologize.

I can't remember his name. I'll thought in my head right now, but he was a great dude, and he was a fan of the show, and he used to work at SpaceX, and then he moved over to another company called Revolt or something like that. Maybe I can't remember.

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And I took my daughter... He used to work for Elon. Oh, okay. Yeah. So he took us on a tour, my stepson and my daughter, and they were showing us. us this 3D fucking rocket. They're making just a print it right in front of us.

They're printing a rocket. And he took a photo of us and he put it in there with the people from the, and boom. So there's a photo of us out there and out of fucking space, bro. How bad ass is that, though? I mean, there may be a chance one day your people run into it. Dude, well, here's the thing is, I'm like, if I get the chance to go back and they're like, you could take like one or two humans. I'll see what you're up to, man.

Let me know your fails. Let me know. Let me know. Well, that could be kind of fun. You're like, ladies gentlemen, Goulson, Goblins, and Drian Zickler. Okay. Yeah. Better place for John Gobel, Con.

Yeah. And so they choose here because of the influence and the familiarity. Yeah, they kind of were like, you know, because I don't know if you know this, but like almost like 90% of movies are about Earth in some way. So we were already like really just into your culture. And so we're like, we got to try out this place to Earth. So my dad, he was like trying to get me to the East Coast. He was like, you'll blend it, go to New York. They won't even recognize you.

You'll go on the train. They'll just think you're one of you. You basically speak their language. Your dad's definitely familiar with this place. Yeah. He was like, dude, you go on the A train. Ain't no one going to look sideways than you, dude. And he's like,

only thing they're going to say to you was his seat tag. Yeah, and I love rats. They're delicious. So he was like, they're going to like, oh, you got to see the rats there. They're huge. They're plus nice. They're everywhere.

I said the old because I was, I was surprised to hear they were delicious. Yeah, that was the part. They are very delicious. And so he was really pushing East Coast. I was like, all right, I can get into this. But my mom, I think she knew. She was like, why don't you go to the place where the cast of entourage lives?

And I was like, yes, mom. That's what I mean. So I was like, okay, what about LA? She was like, you are destined to be a star son. So she was like, I'm going to drop you off in L.A. We'll get you with a nice family. And then we'll be back. She said that, which I think she was trying to quote Terminator,

but she's like kind of messing up. She was like, well, be back. And I was like, I think it's I. But also, I'm sure you're familiar with this, this little bit of E.T. Is a little E.T.ish here where he gets left behind. They're sending you and we'll be back. Yeah.

They left him. I knew E.T. by the way. Good guy. Was he? It's so good to hear. Because you know, sometimes you see these actors and shit, then you meet him in person. You're like, what a dick. E.T. solid.

That's Elfabut. That's good to hear. Elfabut's like, I mean, two, talk about two-faced. Who? Like, she, soon as she got wicked. Who? Oh, that's who that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, of course. Yeah. I forgot about that green person. Yeah. We're all in a text thread, by the way. Incredible Hulk. Credible Hulk. Green.

He's a dick, man. Okay. And here's the thing. He's only half, dude. He's only half. And only when he's pissed. And it's like, he's always like, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. It's like, we don't like you ever, dude.

He sounds like a baby with CTE. You know, it's like, why do you talk like that? What's that? E.T. Solid. E.T.'s a homie, dude. How about Alf? See, from Melmac.

I like Alf, okay. And he introduced me. He introduced me to cats. Oh, are they delicious? I think they're pretty good. A lot of times I'll, you know how like a cat will get like a hairball? Well, I'll eat a cat. And you'll get that.

And he, if he adjusted a hairball, then it's like a, it's like really good stuff there. I got to. But I love Alva. I love a lot of those people. Like a lot of us will kind of hang together. Because it's just kind of like, we have like a text read with all the famous green people on it. It's called the Green Party. Oh, great.

And so we're all on there. and we just try and keep in touch and support each other because it is hard growing up here. I'm so loving this interview right now. All right. So mom's dropping you off. What exactly does that mean? And where do you go? Literally from the sky in a cage, there was the big boom and then there was my boom, you know?

And so I think that's why I don't remember as much of my goblin childhood as I would like to. It's because I hit hard, you know. Yeah. And I came up off a little woozy. And then I met what became to be my adopted parents. And how did you meet them? I honestly dropped right off of their lawn. Oh, man.

I was in a cage, which was a little dramatic, aka I loved it. And they came out of the house, okay? What time of day or night is this? This is the morning. It's a morning. Oh, we're starting a day off. Just starting up. And what is your early?

anniversary. What's the day you hit here? Well, that, that, I, I believe it was the, the six of the six. You know, they tried to light it up well. Mm-hmm. And I mean, we got a weird calendar. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing is like, it could be a leap year. You don't, yeah. See, the way you guys do it, I feel like it is really messed up. Doesn't make any sense. It's like 12 months, seven days, and 24 hours. It's like, it's really just a way for what I've noticed is like for humans to feel like they have some kind of a semblance of control and stuff like that.

Sure. You guys don't have any. You know. It's becoming more and more apparent. Yeah. Absolutely. And so I get dropped off. These two people come out of the house and there's this guy, you know, mustache, big

smile. There's this lady mustache, big smile. And they're looking at me. Smiling, though. Yeah. And I, at first they were like, kind of like your dog. Like at first, people see me. their immediate reaction is like, oh my God, like, what is this?

But then I think I showed them my yellows, you know. And I think they, what I later found out is they were trying to have a child, but they could not. And their prayers were answered. Yeah. And that's why they're smiling here to hear. And they said that. And they were like, that's why those mustache. They were like, as gob as our witness.

Look at this, honey. And I was like, yeah. Oh, they're, they believe in God. This is great. And so they came over to the cage and they're like, it's not the way we expected it. But here's this dig and it had a little note on it. What is that? For sale. They read it and they said, we're interested.

And they took me inside. And from that point on, honestly, they let me make their house a home. And they took me in. They protected me. Yes. I was just sorry to interrupt. Do they have any adopted children already? They're trying to have.

So you're their first and only. Yeah. I mean, they were on the older side. Sure. You know, they, they, I don't think. Well, for us.

Yeah, for, for you guys. I mean, for me, it's like, that's like, that's like a Tuesday. You know what I mean?

But for them, they were on the older side. So I think like they had fully given up on this idea. Well, it's interesting, though, because, and I mean this in no offensive way. Obviously,

you're dropping out of the sky already jarring as fuck. Oh, you're landing in the morning in a cage jarring. Yes. You look like. none of us jarring. Correct. You showed them the yellows.

You know, your teeth are, they're great teeth. Thank you. But they do look like they could tear the fucking flesh right off my bone. And they could, Ryan. Sure they could. The eyes terrifying at first. Yeah. Just first glance.

Okay. But I sit here and as I talk to you, I see the warmth. Yeah. And I see the love. Yeah. And I already can tell what a kind soul you are. The claws, again, could rip my fucking throat out at a flick. absolutely. So they must have really

love the fuck out of you to come out and be like hey, beggars can't be choosers. We're taking what we can get this guys or maybe they don't know your sex at the time. And John sounds, you know, I don't want to gender you. Yeah. You know. That's exactly what they said. They must have love the fuck out. That's exactly what they said word for word. What they said.

That's that crazy. I'm built for this. Yeah, dude. If you all have any other one, do you want to say that? I was like, Dad? Is that you? Wait, real quick. Yeah.

How many genders you guys have out there? Just the two? You know what? We don't even include that kind of stuff. It's, that's another, like, human thing where it's like, we're really trying to, like, hold on it. It's like, we're like, I don't even know what that means. I mean, it's like, I got all parts, you know. Oh.

All parts. Yeah. And I've recently tried to really open up my sexuality because. It just wasn't working. I've been trying to date. But it's just so hard, dude, on these apps. You know what I mean? They've got all the apps now.

Well, also, and I feel for you in a way, because I imagine there's a lot of freaks out there that want to get at you because you're a bucket list or you're different, but they're not really coming to love John Gobel. And that's what happens, dude. They're just coming to bounce on your parts. That's right. At the end of my shows, it's like I'm like a. I'm an attraction to them.

They come out and they're like, oh, I've always wanted to sleep with the goblin, you know, and I'm like, let's do it. But afterwards, I don't feel great. Yeah. You know? Because for you, they're up, been there done that now. Yeah. And you're like, that's not what I'm looking for. That's right.

I'm looking for a connection. I see it in your eyes. That's what I came here for. It's like I, that's what I love about performing. That's what I wanted to. It's like, I, my parents didn't drop me off from our planet. No. Millions of miles away.

Boom, I smashed down into a lawn, you know, somewhere deep in the valley, Reseda. So I'm in Reseda. It's like, I didn't go through all this, Ryan, just so I could like, you know, fool around and, you know, be a deviant and sex drugs and rock and roll. Well, good for you, because you could have. Yeah. You could have.

And a lot of people on this planet, dude, you know, John Gobelcon, you're coming out here from somewhere else and saying, no, goddamn, I've got a purpose and a hustle and I'm going to do this. Yeah. Now, granted, I do love sex drugs at Rock and Reader. Of course. Of course. That's what this planet's built on.

Yeah. Literally, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Yeah. Go back. Let's just rewind for a moment. We're now in their home as if it's yours. You're wide open. And what happens now?

Do we have to enroll you in schools? Like, what are we doing next here? Yeah. It there was one summer the summer I was there where I wasn't aware of what was to come. So like that first summer, it was amazing. You know, it was the 90s. You know what I mean? Oh, I do.

It was it was slipping slides and super silkers and ice cream, man, all summer. You know, roller skate? Can you roller skate? I could do a little bit. Yeah. I've been owed to get around. And we had the best time, you know. I was playing Mortal Kombat all day.

day, you know, watching Skinna Max all night. Oh, yeah. And then all of a sudden they were like, guess what, dude, you're going to recita high school. Oh, fuck. Because I don't know like what got lost in translation from like my real parents to these parents. But not only did they like treat me like a child sometimes I think they thought I was one, even though I just turned 30K. That's what I'm saying.

So also you're basically a turnkey person when you're land and you're, you're already not, a read, right, whatever. You don't need to go to learn our, well, maybe you do need to learn our alphabet. Maybe you don't, I don't know. But you know, definitely don't need to be in preschool. I'd learn it from movies. I basically, I, and we process things pretty quickly. And so.

Is that also how you learned English as well from the movies and the content? Yeah. Makes sense. That's, that's why I sound like Nick Nolte. Got it. Okay. And so then I realized, wait, what was your favorite Nick Nolty? All of them.

You know, just all of them. I love his tone. 48 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. North Dallas 40.

Yeah. What if I only watch Nick Nolte movies and listen to Tom Waits? And I'm like, that's why I sound like this. Love Tom. Okay. So we're in school. Yeah. We're putting you in school.

They send me to high school. And as you can imagine, high school is probably hard enough for humans. Yeah. You know, and high school was hard for me. Way back when, even when every woman was. green. So you already had your, okay. You know, so I already went through it. Got it. Which can you imagine, Ryan, someone telling you like, hey, dude, you got to go back through high school. On another planet. On another planet. Hell no. No. You don't even want to go to high school again in your own town.

No. Do you play sports for high school? Because that's a good way to ingratiate yourself with friends and make people, you know, lasting relationships. I mean, the amount of deflated balls, you know, because of me. Yeah. Soccer? Are your toes the same way? Yeah, they're clawed. Yeah. I mean, honestly, there really wasn't one, you know? Even track, I was trying to run.

Yeah, you can't wrestle. But they were like, you can't be on all fours. I'm like, what, what's you talking about? How do you run, mother? I was, I was just going through the, uh, one of those things you leap over them. They're like, yeah. Just plowing through. And I was crushing.

those kids. It should be legal. I mean, that's what I think, man? Well, what about ice skating? I feel like with those talons on your feet, you could crush on skates. Now, there's something I feel like I would have been good at, but they were really pushing me in. Well, they don't have ice skating out here. You would have to been in Michigan or somewhere like that, not Recita.

That makes sense. Yeah, there's not a lot of ice in Recita. Yeah, no. Well, there's a... They're coming to drones now. Okay, but at that time, Ryan, there wasn't. There really wasn't, dude. Not in the 90s.

Yeah, not the 90s. It's just you and Ralph Macho, you know, going out there for his uncle and receipt of the karate kid. And so I'm just out in high school. I'm trying my best. And now, I did get Prom King. You did? Yeah, but it wasn't. Voted, though, so that you must have been popular.

It wasn't out of popularity. I think it was out of P. They had like a new diversity initiative They were like you're our only creature of color Like you know The prom queen was just a pile of socks You know they just put a crowd on a pile of socks And I had to dance with it

Okay So it was humiliating honestly And I couldn't wait to get through the high school experience Because it was terrible And kids are cruel You know And they were like oh Receive high school it's so diverse

It's like a spoiler alert I was the only green guy. You know what I mean? It was like, it was terrible. The things that they would say and the things they would call it. I mean,

yeah. I don't want to say like what everyone, but everyone, they were always like, Yoda, you know, it's like that was like, that was so funny to them,

you know, because the, you've met Yoda though, right? Oh yeah, he's a good dude. But I knew him pre-drugs. Yeah,

he didn't always talk like that. He didn't. No, no, no. He used to talk straight. Oh. I took him to the Mexican mountains. You know, he had an amazing command of the English language, you know, took him one summer up there. He comes to back and he's like, all you was going to be like.

You're like, yeah, no shit, yo. And balls you'd be tripping, you know. The dude just, he, I may have messed him up. But great career from that. Like, he met George and they just started doing all these movies. Now he's got his grandkids and like the things. He's got a little tiny, you know what is. Okay.

So he's, I mean, at Disney, the residual. Well, I look, I'm also a massive Yoda fan. There's a Yoda out there in the studio. Oh, I'll text him. Please let him know. Every year, my daughter and I, I think he watches. At the top of our Christmas tree under the star, Yoda. Yoda overlooks Christmas.

Oh, well, honestly, he's one of the real ones. Let him know we'd love to have them all. I bet I could get him. I bet I could get him. I will be like, hard you must do. Sickler Ryan, you know, and he'll be like, oh, and he'll like in his head, like, you know. Yeah. He's, I think he's, what do they say?

He's on the spectrum or whatever. What spectrum? You know what I mean for him. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. So we're out of high school. Yeah.

We're done finally. And where do you go to college? See, I applied. But I didn't get in anywhere. Later down the line, I did with- Interesting. Because here, you know, universities are supposed to be the place for, you know, to embrace diversity and of thought. That is what they say, dude.

But then when push comes to shove, I mean, they didn't even have a box for me to check. Yeah, I bet. It's like that was the thing is every time I was applying for jobs or college. Did they make you take an SAT? I did take the SATs. What did you get? Well, I just sat. And at Desjardin, our business is helping yours.

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And I waited. And then I ate the pencil. All right. And that was out of there. I mean, listen, community college sounded perfect. I think so. And I was really interested in it. But then I realized if you are feeling the way I was feeling, like your soul is just not even

existing anymore, and you just have like this dark hole in your heart. And no one will hire you. No one will accept you. You can work in corporate America. You can. Yeah. So I immediately got hired in a sales position. Certains eyes.

I mean, you figured it out instantly. And I loved sales. I was so good at it. What were you selling? At the time, it was life insurance. Okay. You know, and I, I mean, technically, I'm still employed there. Okay.

But I loved it because I was talking all these people. Guy who's 30,000 years old selling life insurance. Yeah. Which is, you know, for you. But it makes sense for you guys. People who live in an average of 75. Which seems so like, get it together, guys. Like, you can't figure out how to live past 100 yet?

So I honestly be like, oh, guys, I don't really know how this works, but it seems like you'll need this, you know? And I was so good at it because I realized very quickly that I was talking to these people and they didn't have any preconceived notions. So I was really able to like connect with them. And that was like a really nice time just being on the phones all day. Just talking to these people. No one's going like, oh, just a goblet or oh, greedy. I don't want to talk to you. We're like, well, what's with your ears?

You know, none of that stuff. So I was just able to really just kind of connect with them. And that was like the first time I actually began to like Hewitt. Okay. It was like a little turning point for me. I was like really getting to know some of them. And I was like, you know what? I think I misjudged them a little too much.

Okay. Well, good for you for opening your mind. That's what college is, you know, the goal of that sort is. Yeah. You're not in college. I know that time of your life, I should say. Yeah, I think so. Okay.

So a couple questions for you here. the obvious is, you know, do you have a lady friend or whatever? But before we get to that, any guy, any bro, do you know what I mean? Was there a guy where you, that just was like, you're my dude, I'll give a fuck. And vice versa, were you like, that's the human. You know, did you have a buddy, a pal? No. No.

Yeah. To answer your question, Ryan Schickler. No, no, I did not. Fan of, fan of, movie. How about dating? You know, obviously, you know, look, you're battling a lot here. You're chasing a dream. And that's here to fuck off and see what it's like to report back to someone.

You're here with a purpose. Yeah. And while you're working on that purpose, which I also have come not from another planet, but across this country to do the same thing. It's lonely. Yeah. And, you know, you're probably missing family. even with this adopted family, you're still out there on your own. It's very lonely. And once you start

getting lonely, does John Goblican say, and did you have a love back home that you left? A couple of questions there, I guess, for you. No, yeah. And I definitely did. I had a gob gal who I really had a crush on and I thought was kind of going to go somewhere. But then, you know, I move. So I'm kind of starting from square one. And you had no children there or anything like that? No, no, no. Never been married before or anything like that? No, no, no, just like 2,600 brothers and sisters.

Yeah, you know, just honestly. Never engaged or anything. No, no, no, no. But this one was made. I definitely had sex. I know that's your next good. And I definitely have, right? For sure I have.

My next question is, this lady might have been the one. I'm not a virgin and for sure I've had it, dude. For sure, man. On earth or up there? Oh, for sure. Yeah. I figure it down here by me's your stuff. For sure, I have. I'm definitely not a virgin and I'm definitely not a virgin. You're not a gob virgin or an earth virgin. No, I definitely know what it is. I know how it works. I've seen it. I've done it for sure. All right. Well, we'll get to that in a second. But so you had a lady friend up there, a gob gal. I was pursuing somebody else. You know, we were an official, you know, she was unaware of how. how I felt. But I definitely was like, you know, I was trying to. And now you get dropped here. Who's the first lady that, that looks past all this, so to speak? Yeah. Well, I, there was a gal at work who I definitely. And where you were selling insurance. Yeah. There was, I mean, she's like a workwife they call here. Yeah, I think, I think that would, that would be pretty.

epipropot and apricot and I think that is like kind of what you would call it like I had a thing for her this is actually actually documented in a music video Is it?

Yeah there's a music video called No One Survives by my band's Necro Goblicod and it's kind of like a documentary about when I was working at the life insurance agency Okay And so there's this gal Katie and I had a big crush on her and what happened was she invited me to her birthday party. I got a little high and I showed up.

I was feeling myself and our boss, Brad. Brad. Fuck Brad. Dude. Fuck Brad. He was getting a little handsy with her. With Katie? Yeah.

With Katie. Your girl. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. What was her name? Caden. Yeah. My bad.

I thought you said Katie. It's good. I mean, that's what I like to call him. Kitty. Okay. And he was getting like I said, I didn't like it. So I sprung into action after seven or eight whiskeys. And I allegedly, I allegedly tore his face off.

And so I thought that when I finished, she was going to be like, oh, my God, John. Like, take you. You're right here. You're my knight in green armor. But she kind of was like, ah. And she was like scared. And she was like, scared. And she was like, the cops came.

And so it was like a whole kind of situation. So I, I, it is a different, corporate America is a different worlds. I mean, the amount of like red tape and rules I had to follow. I bet you're an HR nightmare. You are an HR nightmare. I was always in that office, dude. They're just costly. And that, that was the hardest part about living here is you can watch all the movies you want.

You can learn the language. but I don't think they depict real life well enough in your films. You're exactly correct. Because I feel like there were so many things that I didn't pick up on. Like what? Well, just like social norms and stuff like that. You know what I mean? Like for example.

Well, you're perfect for comedy. See, that's what you would think. That's what you. And so that's what I think. That's what I'm trying to do that now, man. I mean, that's what's about this podcast. I was really to pick your brain to help me. Well, you've got the one gobs show.

You can certainly incorporate humor and comedy into that. Yeah, because what's been happening is the reason why I'm starting to pivot now is because I was doing all these stand-up sets. But I think they thought they were seeing theater because I would be telling these jokes and they'd be so quiet. Yep, no exactly what you mean. Yeah, I mean, I mean, telling a joke and then people would kind of do what you're doing. They're just doing this. And I'd be like, oh, oh, do you think it's a drama? Right.

So I was like, let me just make it a drama. Right. And then if I bill it as a drama, then when people don't laugh, people are like, oh, it's not supposed to be. Right. It's a drama. It's dramatic. And if you get comedy out of this, well, hey, that's a bonus. There it is.

So I think that's kind of the pivot now. Okay. So after we rip a guy's face, allegedly rip a guy's face off, we pivot into comedy. Immediately from there? Is that where we're going? No, it was an immediate? I do this documentary about the situation, turns into a music video. There's this band called NecroGoblicod.

They're a metal band that writes songs about goblins. And are you in the band? I joined the band. You joined. Yeah. So after this. What's your instrument? Well.

Yeah, John, the throat. You're the pipes of the band, huh? Yeah, that's right. How are your pipes after 30K? I think they're improving. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

people well see that that's the biggest difference is you guys go like this yeah i don't know why that's interesting we're doing this yeah it's like everyone's like oh you must be feeling like oh your your back must be hurting now and all this stuff it's like what do you mean i'm just getting started i'm getting older i'm getting better yeah george carlin i'm sure you know who george i love george your right words had a bit about why it's a shame that we're, us humans are born as bait. We don't remember any of this. And you got all this love and someone doting it.

It's so free. There's no obligations and responsibilities. And then we grow old and die when we should be born old with all the responsibility and grow young and die with free and love and laugh and running around and blah, blah, blah. Just it's a great thought. that's how it works for goblins. I wonder if George met someone. Great thought.

Maybe he had like an adopted goblin drop on his lawn at some point, a lot in that perspective, because that's kind of how it works with us. Yeah. That's like me about my hair. It's like it's headed in. And so I like, my hump is getting smaller.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting more upright as I grow older. And I think that's kind of the, okay, so white questions. You're into the, I want to talk a little bit more. but more personal here. Sure.

You're into the entertainment industry. You know, you've had sex, whatever. Have you had a love, though? Have you had someone? And are you interested in having kids and Kenya with a human? Yeah. I would like to find out, you know. I really would.

I'm willing. I'm willing and ready. So you've had the act that could produce. You just haven't had a lady yet who's like, I want to, but you would be willing to settle down? Absolutely. With an earth gal. Yeah, yeah.

You would. Yeah. Yeah. And if reproduction was possible, would you want to be a dad with this earth gal? I, just to be clear, you can't return them, right? Like what you have. Kids? Yeah, yeah.

Now. Okay. No. I mean, listen, you can leave them with your mom and get the fuck out of there in another planet, just like people do here, like my mom left us with our dad. moved a mile away. You don't even need to go that far here. She went a mile away, Ryan? What do you mean? That's what I mean, John.

You're like, there's so many people who sit here. Tony Hinchcliffe, his biological dad lived like a few streets over. That's what I'm saying. You have a kind soul. You're like, oh, could I leave them and then maybe get the fuck out of here to another planet? Now, you can go a neighborhood over. You can stay in the same zip coat. You can run into them at the grocery store, John Goblachan. That's how it is here. You could be Tom Brady and have Bridget Moynihan pregnant and say, you know what?

I'm leaving you for Giselle. Yeah. And look how that ended. Humans are insane. My God. Wow. Yeah. So anyway.

I would never do that. I really can't. I mean, to me, that leans troll. Sure. that leads troll behavior. I'm a goblin. You know, it's like I do what I say and I say what I do. And I'd like to find someone to do.

And so I'm looking. I've gone on dates, you know, but it is tough because I'm on the apps. You know, I'm trying them all. I did Tinder. I did Tinder. I did greet her. And then when my date sees me, they help, you know. So it is tough.

and I just feel like I need, that's why I'm trying to do like more podcasts shows because the more they know about us, I think the more they'll understand us and the less scary it will be to, you know, be in a coffee shop. Is that because the majority of goblins are like you or, you know, like humans,

there's some good ones and there's some real shittier ones of us too. Are you saying the goblins are the good versions of the good versions? of you guys and the trolls are like the shitty. So if you're with a goblin, you're good to go. Like, goblin good, like that sort of thing. I do think that. Or at least that's definitely what we've been told my whole life. I will say, I didn't have a couple cousins that were a little old.

Everybody's got a couple. You know? All it takes is one or two cousins to ruin the whole fucking lineage of everything. You meet Gary and you're like, I don't know, John. You know, you mean Gary Goblin, you're like, I don't know, man, this one ain't right. You mean Gary Goblin, you're going to be right. You're just going to be, you're going to be second guessing us, I think. But I think in essence, I think in essence, dude, we're trying.

Yeah, no, hey. We're trying. But I thought about humans is. I'm hearing a lot of parallels here, John. I'm getting it. There are some bad ones. And by some, I mean, so many. But on the flip side, so many good ones.

That is. So many good. And when I started in this business, a lot of people in the corporate world and stuff like that, they had a very strong opinion of what actors, comedians, all these people were going to be like. And I did too. You know? Because my problem was, is the only comedian I met at the time was Bobby Lee. And I was like, oh, you guys are insane.

Okay, that's a great example. Yeah. Imagine if that was our example for everything here and you're Bobby Lee there, though. You see what I'm saying? And someone out there is like, oh, fuck, they met John. Yeah, exactly. You get it. And had I met a Ryan Sickler earlier on, it was only eight for five.

But I've met so many good ones. And people I'm just like, you know what? I had it all wrong. because a lot of the comedians I have found and I've interviewed when I really talk to them, they are, you think like, oh, stand-up comedian. They're on stage. They don't need anybody else. That's how they're going to treat everybody.

It's like they own everything. They don't need you. It's just about them, you know. And that's true. That is what I found. Yeah, that's what you actually would have found. You got it. You got it.

I think in addition to that. Yeah. they are actually very, what's the word? They, like, they build a community and they support it. And they're like, you do my pot onto your pot. You do my show into your show. And I really enjoyed those humans. Like, I'm kind of gathering now, like a bunch of comedians and humans that I really like.

And I'm just like, you know what? I could hang around for a little bit longer here. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I do want to go ask you about sex because you said you have everything. So you said you've had it here or whatever. Are we into,

what are you into? You got all your parts, guys, girls, all the above. Yeah, I'm trying to really open it up. Okay. Because I felt like I wasn't doing the right math. You know, it's like 51% of the population. And it was just like, I wasn't hitting. So it's like, you know, like, if you read up, if you run on,

a craps table. And they were like, here's a bet 51% of the time, 100%. I was like, maybe I just need to like put some chips over here too. Just like try it out. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'm just limiting it to humans. Maybe it had to really expand it out.

You know, so then I started really exploring other things, other mythical creatures. And then now it's just like anything. You know what I mean? Like, I'll date a cup of coffee. You know, I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll try it. I was open as I could be in 2020. Okay. 20,

26. Yeah. Six, six, six. And so I want to get out there. I want to put myself out there. And I think this is the year I'm going to find love. You do? Yeah.

I feel that. I do. Okay. What does that mean for you, John Goblican? What would you say love is? Because you come from somewhere else where I don't know what you're taught there and you come here and see what we think it is. Yeah.

What is it for you? For me, I think love is when you're sitting across from somebody and you can be 100% your full self. And you're not concerned about doing something where that person would look look at you and take away that love. There's nothing you could do.

For example, like if you, just riff it off the top of my head, just random example, if you were working a job at a life insurance agency down to recita. Sure. And there was a woman there, and she had a birthday party.

And you were invited to said birthday party. And you got a little high before said birthday party. And you showed up feeling good. You're wearing your jacket. You show up at the bar and you see said gal. And then she's talking to like a boss, we'll call him Brad. They're all day Brad, Chad, something like that. That's Brad.

And then he starts getting limpy with her. And they put his hands on her. And you go, well, that ain't right? Let me do the right thing. He's bringing to action. You jump on him. You slowly are peeling parts of his cheeks and forehead off his body. And then she's like, ah, like this is crazy.

And you're like crazy. Good. Yeah. Yeah, you're welcome. He shouldn't have put his hands on. You're right. That was crazy. He touched you like that.

You know, in this fake story. The way she was looking at me, I was like, just ain't love. Just ain't it. I just did all that for you. Yes. Yes. I want someone who's going to go, uh, now do the body. You know, just like, like, you left some on the bone, John.

The Niro stomp on while he's down. Yes. Yeah. And we're like, I thought I was going to get like a round of a clause, you know. If I was there, you would have. Thank you, Ryan. You're right. I think that's it.

I'm just trying to find... It's principal. You're a man of principle. A goblin of principle. I think so. And so I'm trying to fight someone who's going to show me that. You're looking for a ride or die. Yeah.

Or just like something with like a bunch of buddy who's just going to like work all the time. And just like I could just like sit back and just like, yeah, watch like, you know, the real housewives all day. Yeah. So. Princess. Here she is. She's arrived. So I think like one of the two.

Okay. What are the biggest challenges you've faced outside of looking for love here on Earth? And where to next? Yeah. I, there's been a lot of challenges along the way, man. You know, nothing comes easy for a goblin in you guys' planet. But I think the biggest one for me now is now that I have found something that I feel like I really love and enjoy performing and doing a podcast.

I'm really trying to get into this comedy thing. You said, what's next? Like, I don't really know what to do, man. Like, I'm just out here trying to figure it out. Okay. And it's been really challenging. And I have, feel like I have, like, failed a bunch. And sometimes when I'm on stage, I don't know if you've ever felt like this.

But I'm like performing, I'm doing a joke. I'm doing my dick. And then they're like not laughing. They're like not doing it. What's it called like when everyone stands up? Standing ovation. Yes. So what happens is early in my set, everyone stands up.

And then they head out the door. So they're giving me a standing ovation. Standing walkout. Yeah. And then I'm performing. I'm like, there's no one there anymore. And the lights go out. And then the bartender's like, you weren't booked on this show.

please leave, you know, and, and then there's like a whole, like, I'm getting that kind of vibe from, like, I don't feel appreciated. And then people like take video and then they'll tweet about it and be like, you know, there's this goblin at this random show. It was, it wasn't even, it's supposed to be beat poetry, but he's like telling jokes. And I just feel like, I'm like, I don't think they get it. Like, they're not getting the comedy. They're not getting what I'm trying to do. So. As a comedian, could I make?

Maybe just not that you're soliciting. No, I'm ready for it. I would just like to. I open up ready, right. Throw this out because I'm a little socially awkward when it comes to this kind of thing as well too. Oh, okay. Great. Great.

But I guess what I would do is you probably have a set now, a five-minute set maybe. You could send that ahead to a booker or something. It sounds less like you're not funny and more like you just don't know the business part of it, which is understandable. Okay. So what would I do? So step one would be when you go to that show, instead of intending to perform, introduce yourself to whoever the booker is, the producer, let them know who you are, that you are a comedian. Once you do that, you're in. Let me tell you something about the

comedian world, too, John Goblickon. I grew up. No parents since I'm 16. Couldn't, I mean, I was such an out, I was an outcast of the outcast. Like the theater kids. are like, you're fucking no. And you're like, the fuck are you talking about? But once I landed in comedy, I was like, oh, these fuck-ups are familiar to me. These people, these weird, wild fucking crazy stories that I'm like, okay, this is the group. Now, we're all in a mental hospital. I'm sure you're familiar with our mental hospitals here.

We're all in a mental hospital. Some of us are in the jackets. Like, I can't get out of here. and others like myself are free to roam the property. Yeah. I can come over and maybe even help you rake leaves, do some chores. You might, as I always say, let me go just across the street to the corner store, grab myself a soda as long as I have my wristband on and everybody knows that I belong over there.

Now, when it comes to lights out, make no mistake. My ass better be in that fucking bed, okay? That's the community you're trying to get yourself into. So you also have to remember that a lot of logic doesn't fucking work. And you can't fucking make sense to someone who doesn't make sense. All right. So go up, introduce yourself and say, hey, my name's John Goblachan. I'm a comedian.

I would love to get a spot on your show. That's all you got to do. Here's my Instagram. Here's my whatever. Maybe they put you up that night. Maybe they might say, hey, you know, stick around and close out. And maybe they say, you know, we got a spot. week. That's, that's the advice. I have no advice for you on your comedy or your art,

but just a way to get into the show is a little easier, maybe not. Because I'm pretty sure you're funny. I've sat here and laughed quite a bit today. That's all I would say. All right. So, I mean, is it a motherfucker for you to email with those things and, yeah, and text, maybe you do a little voice to text, maybe. You speak very well. You speak very well. Thank you so much. I mean, we have professional athletes here that don't speak as well as you. I don't know if you've heard of Mani Ramirez. He went to school here.

You're doing great, John. Thank you. Thank you. So, all right. So I will take your advice. Yeah. I'm just going to start doing sets at the Asade Asylum. Not a bad place to start.

Yeah. Yeah. Not a bad place to start, actually. I think they'll be into it. I do too, actually. I'll break different color wristbands. And I feel like that's really good advice. It's solid.

That's solid. So what do you do when you're on stage riot? And I'm sure it doesn't happen anymore. But where you tell a joke or you can tell like the audience isn't really, you know, pick it up what you're putting down. Can you turn it? Oh, yeah. Or do you run away? Because I usually, I just usually, I'll run.

Well, no. You got to try to turn it. Like that's also like that's going to come again in your life. So the more you can get used to that and switch gears into something else or even lean into the failure, you know, play along with the fact that it didn't land, that kind of thing. I think that bodes well when your audience knows that, I mean, and I mean no disrespect when I say this. So just with a grain of salt when your audience knows you're human like them and they relate. You know what I'm saying? So for you to have a human moment and being a goblin would hit me harder.

honestly. I'd be like, wait, I feel that way. This motherfucker feels that way. Oh, yeah. I'm 30,000 years old from, I don't know how many goddamn planets and galaxies away. I haven't really thought about that. Find a way to connect to them on their level. Sort of like, wait a bit, cobblage, hubits? Maybe we're not that different. He hates airport travel to? Yeah.

His back's hurting too. Yeah. Even if it isn't. Tell them. Yeah. Make them feel better about themselves or, or, you know, that you understand them and you're, you're just like them and going through it too. And then you find ways to say those same things.

Everyone said all these goddamn years in a different way that they've never heard before. Turn a phrase a certain way, you know. That's, this is good stuff. I heard one today that made me laugh. And I was just on the radio and the guy said something like, I can't remember what the decision was. They went from this to this. and the guy said, well, that's like, that's like shit in your pants and changing your shirt.

I was like, that's a great, it's a great analogy. That is it. That's what I've been, maybe that's what I've been doing. I've been on stage, pooping my pants and changing my shirt. Oh, yeah. I got a new shirt. Everyone's like, still kind of sticky. That explains the walk out.

Yeah. Still doesn't mean you're not funny. Yeah. Still does not mean you're not funny. Okay. So this is, this is good. I mean, see, that each. time I talk to a human on a podcast, it's like I'm getting a little closer understanding.

I feel a little more like I belong here and I understand things a little better. And that's important, you know? It is. Talking. I feel like probably you now when I walked in here thought a certain way about goblins. And now you might have a better understanding. Absolutely. Absolutely.

That's, yeah. That's powerful, John. That is. I think where. changing the world here today. Absolutely. You know, one gob at a time. One gob at a time.

Yeah. John, we got to get you out of here. Yeah. Even though you're a goblin. You're parking a meter out front. Yeah. You got to deal with human shit. My waybo's waiting.

They're still ticking you in my market. They're giving you a ticket. Big time. Before we wrap up here, thank you again for doing this. It was a pleasure to have you. That's for having me, right? It's inspirational. I know it was what?

God, 2,984 years ago. Yeah. That's a pretty good math for a human. What advice would you give the 16-year-old John Gopla-Con? If I could talk to 16-year-old John, I'd look at me in the eye. I say, hey, John, it's your future self. It's John Goplican. Here's what you need to do, pal.

There's going to be so much thrown at you, so many. obstacles in your way. But there's something called Uber that you're going to want to invest in very early on. And you're going to be like, oh, what's an Uber? There's these cars. You're like, what's cars? Just hold on. Like you're going to eventually end up, you know, do that.

I'll give you like the lot of numbers that like win for like the last couple years and stuff like that. I can tell you like any sports team that's going to win like any big. I'll just tell you it now. And then there's something called podcasting. Get it on the very, very early stages. Call it the John Gobl Kahn experience, okay? You just got to smoke weed.

Sometimes you talk about fighting. Sometimes you talk about other stuff. And just start really early. Port of the market. You're going to be just fine, Johnny Boy. That's great advice. Yeah, I think so. Thank you again.

Thanks for having me, Ryan. Pleasure to have you here, buddy. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to you all next week.