The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Josh Wolf - Lonely Wolf

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Josh Wolf! Josh returns to promote his standup special that he streamed online and shares Lowlights about his depression. SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube and watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: HARRY’S For a limited time, Harry’s has an exclusive offer for listeners of my show: New customers can get a Harry’s Starter Set and a FREE Body Wash For just $3 at HARRYS.COM/HONEYDEW. That’s over a $16 value for just $3! SKILLSHARE Explore your creativity at SKILLSHARE.COM/HONEYDEW and get a free trial of premium membership. That’s SKILLSHARE.COM/HONEYDEW.

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Harry's and Skillshare. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pants studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media.

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So that's that. Now, you know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. If you need musical instruments or lessons, just go to santamonicamusic.com. Use the code HONEYDOO. They'll waive the registration fee, and they will give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package. Now, that's the biz right there. What we do here on this show we highlight the low lights we like to shed a little light on that darkness and you know laugh in the face of trauma uh today my guest returns via nashville

ladies and gentlemen please welcome josh wolf everybody what's up man how you doing the wolf is back y'all. He is back. Now, first of all, man, I forgot to mention this when I saw you, but that beard is looking good. That's nice of you to say. It's fuller than I think I've seen. I've never grown a beard. My hair, you know. Yeah.

Look, man, I'm 48 in March. I'm almost 50, and I figured I still fucking have it. Yep. Might as well show some appreciation to it. K to it killing it's nothing i can't cut off you know what i mean people tell me you know i don't i fucking be i don't like that beard i'm like well i can shave this off you're stuck with that face forever come on you know what i'm saying can i tell you something i was in you can use that i was in columbus Ohio. And this woman was in the front row. And she said something

about nice chicken legs. I go, oh yeah, I do. I got skinny legs. She goes, you do. You have skinny legs. Nice chicken legs. I go, yeah. I said, but I can go to the gym and bulk these up. I go, what are you going to do about that face? What are you going to do about that. I go, what are you going to do about that face?

That's what I'm saying. What are you going to do about that? I go, what are you going to do about that face? And she goes, what? I go, I think that stays with you and it doesn't get any better. Yeah, man. You know, I'm with you, dude. But it's funny.

We were just talking about hecklers and talking to people. we were just talking about hecklers and talking to people. I have a very, I have a very distinct way of doing it all the time. I let you hang yourself. Like I want you to get so annoying to the rest of the audience that I can now say whatever I want to. And they're the other rest of the audience is going to be like, thank you. Yeah. So, because of the audience is going to be like, thank you.

Because if you go hard on somebody real fast, the crowd is not going to. I'm just a big believer in don't start, none won't be none. That's it. I say it. I just said it on another podcast. I come in peace, ready for war.

I'm here to be cool. If you don't want to be cool, that's been a big uh problem for me i'm sure you and every other comedian too but you know interactions with people where you know they're just giving it to you and you're like man you know by nature i'm a smart ass but i'm also a professional comedian so now you're asking me to put down all of my fucking weapons and take the high road and not say anything it has taken me decades to get 60 okay at that i it's so hard to bite my tongue and not say something about your tongue well it depends on the situation

it could be my daughter's mother and I are disagreeing and I'm just like, boy, let me just shut the fuck up. Let me shut the fuck up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's so funny. I just blood poured out of my mouth. I'm like, all right. Yeah, I'm all right.

Just gushing down. I think that's the thing I learned the most over the relationship with my wife, which is early on when you're young. If you think she's wrong, you know what? It's my right. If I think she's wrong, she needs to know. Your ego is like, tell her she's wrong. Yeah. Because she needs to know it.

That's why. Because you're right. Because you're right. And when you get older, you're like, that's not important. That's why. Because you're right. Because you're right. And when you get older, you're like, that's not important. That's not. I'm like, I didn't even hear what you said. Yeah. I'd rather you yelled me for me saying I wasn't paying attention.

You know what I'm saying? I'm going to step out back for a smoke. And then I'll come in. I swear I'll be a much better listener. Yeah. Oh, I will tell you this. Beth will tell me. She was like, I want to talk to you about something. But I'll come in. I swear I'll be a much better listener. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I will tell you, Beth will tell me, she was like,

I want to talk to you about something, but I go, okay. She goes, let's just wait till you get high. And I'm like, why? She goes, well, I really want you to listen. And that's actually, I'm like, that's probably a smart move because I hear things differently when I'm high. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Because my entire, like, yeah, that's it. Everything's just like, hey, man, it's all right. Yeah, whatever it is. Well, you see it for what it really is. That's what medication does.

It's medication. Do you, I like how you refer to weed as medication. It's medication. Yeah. It's a different kind of medication. I know people want to clown it or whatever, but it is absolute. I'd much rather take a couple hits of weed and calm the fuck down about some bullshit anyway. It's nonsense.

We're not talking about anything real. We're talking about the color of a couch right now. Yeah. Let me. You're upset about the color of the couch? Let me go outside and smoke a joint real quick, and I'll tell you what. We can get whatever the fuck couch you want when I come back because I ain't going to give a shit. Dude, but that is the beauty of weed.

For sure, it takes away all the edges for me. Me, 100%. It takes away all the edges for me. I have said it has made me a better person, a better parent, a better partner. It's made me more patient. All the Ps, more patient. It has really done that. And I'd rather that than take some magic pill that's not going to really work or cause me 800 other side effects.

Right. How old were you when you first smoked weed? God, I was a late bloomer. I first tried it at 18 years old i was in my buddy's firebird in my driveway my gravel driveway and give me a little description of that firebird so it's a red firebird glad glass t-top remember the tan interiors on the red yeah you know i do and um you know what those cars do when you push the seat it flopped up fast yeah really fast yeah it's a hinge that was a hinge it was like it was bungee cord together like it was slingshot somebody out there i remember the first time it flopped up i was like oh shit okay yeah i better get out of the way um and he rolled this joint and it's it looked like

i've said this before it looked like brock's candy it just looked like i was like what the fuck is this so i go to hit it and it just on the inhale it breaks apart in my mouth the whole joint is sitting on my tongue and i'm like he's like's like, don't spit it out. So I eat the thing, and I feel nothing. But I do get incredibly hungry not long after that. We all hit the double T diner. I tried it again like a month later because I was scared of it. And then I walk up to we were all at a little field party, and the guys were finishing a bowl. When I went to get it, it was just ash.

And then I didn't do it again until I was 21. And when I was 21 i started on the weekends only just weekends weekends and i didn't i don't think i started nightly until and i do say nightly because it was nightly first before it became any everything else but what's everything else mean well it depends if it's sunday and it's football i'll smoke a joint at 10 30 11 o'clock and watch the Ravens. You know what I mean?

And I don't know why I do it because the adrenaline overrides the high. I'm like, what did I just waste the day? We just fumbled. God damn it. And then there it all goes. I'm like, what did I do that? What did I do that for? That's some premium shit right there.

Do you watch the games like that in front of your daughter? No, I don't smoke marijuana around my kid. No, not smoke weed, but do you get heated? Oh, yeah. I have a video of me. She took it. This was this year, and it was a game where I think Tucker had to hit a 55-yard field goal at the end in overtime or something.

And she grabbed my phone and was recording me. She goes, I want to record you watching this. I was like, oh, and then we hit it. So she's got a video of me screaming and jumping. But, yeah, she's a fan. She really does like the Ravens. And I think the purple helped. But she loves Lamar Jackson.

She loves Orlando Brown Jr. because he's a friend. She loves him too. So she's all stoked about the Ravens. Jacob Wolf. So I watch – Who, by the way, is looking more and more like you. He's a handsome man. Every day.

I didn't say that. I don't say he's a handsome man because he looks like me. I'm saying he's a handsome man. Yeah, he is a handsome man. So Jacob Wolf. So when he was probably like – this was 2004. So he was seven years old. And 2004 was a magical year for the Red Sox.

And by the way, oddly enough, I stopped watching any games with intensity. Like I don't really – I watch them them but i don't scream at tvs anymore but like uh the 2004 red sox i'm screaming at the tv and he was upstairs and he comes downstairs and i can hear his footsteps coming down i go what's up and he goes you're scaring me and i go well you should go back upstairs because i'm sitting myself it's not gonna get any better than this dude are you kidding it's the fourth inning like you should get but i watch him watch now and he's screaming the tv and i'm like oh yeah sorry about that i scream when it's something positive that happens i don't yell anymore at the fumbles in the back i'm like oh come on or you know i don't get much more out of that pocket and after we lose in a big game like the fucking playoffs back-to-back years uh three

three years yeah uh you know i don't let it get me down like like those people i've i've seriously seen people fucking trash their tvs throw shit through the wall i watched a guy an eagle fan one time take his hat and he fucking threw it in the fireplace. And he's ran and this thing's off. And then he goes, God damn it. He goes in there and shakes it out and puts it back on. But it's all burnt up. You're dumb because you root for the Eagles

and you just did that. Who's saving the Eagles hat? Some of my favorite videos to watch online are sports fans burning shit or breaking TVs or throwing shit. I'm like, you dumb motherfucker. You are the dumbest dummy. You just threw a table through a TV because Alabama lost. Yeah.

Now you've got to buy another TV. It makes sense if you lost a bunch of money on it. Yeah. Okay. That's all right. It makes sense if you lost a bunch of money on it. Yep. Okay. That's all right. It does make sense. Especially, have you been beat bad in a game? Have you ever been beat bad?

Yeah, I've been beat bad. My life has beat me bad. Have I ever been beat bad? I have a show about it. have a show about it a dedicated studio to this man we're in the night past studios yeah man

listen I wanna cause we talked about some stuff before the show it's sort of a segue here anyway. We're talking about being beat bad, sabotaged. You started telling me about – and I didn't know this. I didn't know you were battling with depression, and you started talking about your self-realization about self-sabotaging shit. I want to talk to you about that because that's interesting to me. Because you had said career things and i said certainly i i mean i could probably look back and think

about something i sabotaged in my career for sure but i mean i didn't even know i had a career then you know what i mean i didn't know i just was being a comedian i didn't know anything about molding this into a career and and revenue streams and when we started, MySpace wasn't even there. That came up. And then websites and YouTubes and boom, boom, boom, trying to evolve with this shit. Like, what career? So I still, what career?

What career? I got two microphones and a sign, bro. You got a table. That ain't no motherfucking a table this is a rental yeah man i uh i i think it depends on where were you i think probably where you sabotage yourself is where you maybe feel you don't value yourself do you know what i mean where you maybe feel you don't value yourself. Do you know what I mean? Where you don't deserve something.

Yeah. I feel like that a lot still. Yeah. For me, man, you know, I, um, I have, can I ask you this? Is it, have you ever tried like when you've gotten anything saying to yourself, like I deserve this, like I feel guilty about saying that it blows my mind that i feel guilty about saying i deserve this like why do i feel guilty about that fucking obviously earned it like what is it in us what's been instilled in us that we feel guilty for

accomplishing something good it it's not yeah it's it's that you feel – for me, I just feel like I don't somehow deserve it. But why? Yeah, that's what I – What is that? And that's the thing. That's what I don't know. I do go through dips of just dark shit. I think a lot of people do.

Describe a dip. What are we talking about? Days, weeks, and what's your behavior like? What are you doing? What are you going through? Here's the deal. I really used to identify in a way. Now, look, I don't want anyone going crazy when I use this comparison.

But I identified with Brody in this way. Brody, I identify with Chappelle in that we're both great comics. No. I wonder where you were going. Chappelle says a lot of shit. I'm thinking he just says it first. Yeah. But I identify. that's how i

because when i said that you kind of you i was like where is he going with this i definitely gave you a look when you said brody i was like okay all right i understand where i think you might be going in that sometimes i overcompensate happiness when I'm feeling my worst. Right? Much like the person who tells everybody how much they can fight all the time and how tough they are. They're talking about it because they are super insecure about how they can't fight. Right? Or how weak they are.

And so when I'm overly happy, when I – when it seems like too much like what he's and i'm a positive person so it's easy for me to hide it in there but um i just during those times i wake up like or you're like you're a piece of shit. Like what the fuck? It's just self-thoughts. And are you withdrawing from people too, your wife, your kids? Are you just sort of like being a loner for that time period? And is that a day we're talking or is this a weekly thing or what happens? It is – it completely depends on – it's never just a day. It's, you know, and I'm lucky, man. I don't get it as bad as I think some people do.

You just feel like a piece of shit. how I'm ever going to do anything right. Like, it's just like, and I, and if you gave me a suggestion, if I was like, man, this isn't working and you gave me a suggestion, I could tell you exactly why it wouldn't work if I was going to be involved. And then I'll just remind myself of all of my failures. I'll be like, why do you think this is going to work, man? This has never worked. Like you tried this, this didn didn't and i'm just constantly beating myself down and uh the uh i've even when things are good i'll come in like okay i'll give you an example of something that's happened recently that you would understand i'll, so take a look at control chaos, right? Yeah. If I am honest with myself and I had an honest talk with an exec and a person at an agency that I trust and came to the shows, the reason that never went across the goal line, even though I

had a ton of interest is I just never made it. I pushed it up to the goal line and then I never made it look good. I never made it sound good. I never made the, which I could have, I had the money to do. And I chose not to do that. I chose not to do that. And I talked to this, they were exactly, they were like, you missed the window when we were all there. You just never gave us what they all asked for something. The same thing. Like, look, we need a one sheet or whatever. You just don't.

We need this to look like this. Show us what this is going to look like. And as soon as they asked me to do what I needed to do, I just didn't do it. But do you think that's sabotage or also protecting yourself you know you're now it's also ego in a way too where because now someone's telling you to change the very thing you've been doing is so hard like every editor i've ever worked with this is what i say about every editor's attitude i've ever worked with and i love editors because they make the magic but every editor i've ever worked with gives you their

cut and then you go this is great what do you think about just trying this this and this and they go yeah if you want to fuck it up we can do that like that that's every editor i've ever worked with attitude about their work and i'm like man i wish i had that confidence in my fucking shit you know but but that's but that's one of the things that we don't have that confidence in our shit and no i i don't think that you think it was then because if i if it was one if it would have been one isolated incident i'd have been like all right well but when i look back at the other things that i've pushed up to the goal line, and there's been a lot, dude, I've had a lot of opportunity. I really have. It's always been something that I just didn't follow through on or didn't go that extra foot that I knew I had to. And I did enough not to blame myself. myself. When I look back at all this shit, I did enough not to blame myself. It was almost like I wanted the misery that came after the rejection. It was almost like I was comfortable in that space.

I just was talking to a friend about this. I was the same way for a long time, really trying to get out of it. And I've met people especially um in our industry like this but there are people who absolutely thrive and function in chaos yeah and the moment there is order and organization and shit gets boring or dull they fuck it up because now shit's fucked up and this is how i thrive with this swirling pile of shit floating around yeah that's how i've that's how i've that's and you don't need to survive that way you shouldn't survive that way there are you can figure out a way to thrive without that but i but it's just not it's just not as it's just boring i i it's not as it's just not as, it's just boring. It's not as entertaining. It's a fucked up thing.

And when something bad happens, not only am I expecting it. That's why it happens. Yep. Not only am I expecting it, but it feels comfortable. Like I'm wearing the skin I'm supposed to be wearing. Like when things are going well, I feel like an imposter. That's really interesting. I don't feel like an imposter.

I feel like I'm in a new place. You know what I'm saying? Like this shit looks familiar, but, man, it doesn't feel. I don't remember feeling like this. You know what I mean? Like good, this shit looks familiar, but, man, it doesn't feel. I don't remember feeling like this. You know what I mean? Like, good shit's happening. Yeah. That's the thing.

Any old school. Oh, yeah. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yeah. Where's the hidden camera? Yeah. I mean, dude, you know, where it started to really get highlighted for me.

Highlight them lowlights. I'm gonna, man. And I'll tell you where – and also where a lot of depression really came in. When the Josh Wolfe Show ended, right? Which I wanted to say, that's obviously something you pushed across the goal line. So you did it with that. Yes. I also didn't do what I needed to do.

While on it? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So the Josh Wolf Show, when it came on the air, look, man, when I was 14 years old, if you had asked me, what's your dream? I would have said, my dream is to have a late night talk show called the Josh Wolf Show where my-

Four nights a week. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. On CMT. Oh, shit. At an off hour. But whatever. Fuck Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. The week starts on Thursday, goddamn.

When y'all start going out, that's when we step up. All right. For those of you who stay at home on Fridays and Saturdays, I got a show for you. But listen, man, that was the dream. And add to it that everybody on the couch was a friend of mine. Yeah, you had me on. I was on with Diaz. And they had to cut Diaz out the whole episode.

Almost the entire episode. All they had left of him was the introduction. That was the whole episode. And he would say something, and I'd be like, well, we're going to have to cut that. They can't fucking air that. And he'd say something again, and I'd be like well we're gonna have to cut that they can't fucking air that and he'd say something again and i'd be like well we can't i think the one thing i think the one thing we kept was it was like a response he was like that's true yeah but dude everybody on that couch was a friend of mine or somebody who i liked who i didn't think was getting a shot

to be on tv i mean when, when I told the CMT, Sam Tripoli was coming on there. Oh man. They were like, what? But I was like, he's a, you know,

he's a friend of mine. He's all these people are friends of mine. And so that was part of the dream. And then I, everybody I hired, I knew from a past gig or something. So it was like, and Jacob worked there.

So literally surrounded by friends and family going to work every day when that ended, it was all, I was like, okay, so that was my exact dream. And it was being, it was playing out exactly the way I wanted it to going to work with Jacob Wolf every day friends and family there what do I want now and it was just like straight Jacob told me last night because we were talking about it he was like man it was rough to watch you and I was like what do you mean he was like it was at least six months

where you were just after the show yeah after the show ended he goes it was at least six months and he was like it was tough to watch and said could you tell and he's like me or the show motherfucker don't you know i'm bummed out about it yo he said something to me the other day that was so fucking – he said to me, I said, I go, listen, man. We're talking about something. I go, listen, man. It might be time for you to grow up.

And he goes, coming from the dude who has a purse filled with baby hands? And I was like, yeah, you're right. There's no comeback for that no but yeah man it went it went and then i is when i really started to sabotage everything i just don't know how to live in that that i feel like imposter over there it's very possible i mean i know it was said to me when i was younger you're a loser you'll never grow up to be shit you'll never be any of that thing so you know it's very possible even though we you and i have talked about this i and we have the same exact feeling i wish my um self um god what is the word I'm looking for?

Esteem. My self-esteem matched my self-confidence. Yeah. I'm very confident. Me too. In my ability to do a task I'm given. My self-esteem, completely different thing. So, and that's probably created early on by someone shitting on that.

And it probably plays into life of why we don't feel like we deserve things. Our self-esteem in situations is low. And then boom, you get it and you're like, I don't know how to feel about this. I feel like an outsider. I'm trying to, I'm trying to learn how to be more and more an insider. I'm trying to stay on the yacht. Yeah. Yeah.

Me too. I don't want to own a yacht. Yeah. I want a yacht with y'all. I don't want a yacht with y'all. I want to be in the yacht club. You know what I mean? I just want to, I want to have. I don't want to own a yacht. Yeah. I want a yacht with y'all. I don't want a yacht with y'all. I want to be in the yacht club. You know what I mean? I just want to have –

I want to know somebody in the club. I don't want the money pit boat. I just want to come on your boat. Yeah. I'm with you, man. You have got to believe that you deserve it. You've got to believe that you try it. I mean you already are aware that I thrive in mayhem.

So mentally, see if you can't really go for one week of thriving in shit that's good and then build another week. Day by day, but I'd say a week for something like that I would start with. Let me just do a week of, oh my God, shit's going good. And as soon as it starts going good it does get better it is really a lot of power of positive thinking which is sounds like bullshit but it's not it's just hard as fuck to do yeah it because it's like you said you get your body gets used to living this feeling yes yeah just wait i really desperately am ready to be out of it the last like i said last three weeks or so you've gone to therapy right now or you on any medication or both medication man yeah it's just a medication you and i've been talking about well

i mean that's good too but there's other shit but do you go to therapy uh i've done some therapy i'm not doing i've done some therapy i've done some golf i'm no motherfucking better i mean but i'm in nashville so i don't know anybody there right now and so i haven't found anybody over there go talk to somebody man just talk to somebody about talking to you man yeah but you know, it's so funny. We do these shows and we do all this talking. And even in life, sometimes some shit's just, it's literally right there in front of your fucking face.

Yeah. But you're too busy, you know, trying to find the answer. It's just like right fucking there. And you don't even bother to go, oh, my God. It's fucking right there. But you're 100% though man because if you ask me are you good stand-up this is one of the first times in my life i'm like fuck yeah i don't have any question like when i get on stage it's gonna be good so i am confident right and all that stuff but i know i'm good because night after night

and comic after comic we follow the best in the world at the comedy store. And I do well. I know I'm a good comic. I've answered that for myself. By the way, we were talking earlier about performing down at Vine and – Oh, Three Clubs. Three Clubs. Yeah, Three Clubs.

Not Three Of. It was Three Clubs. Was it Three Clubs? Yeah, because supposedly you own Three Clubs. I think that was the third one or something like that. Well, I. It was three clubs. Was it three clubs? Yeah, because supposedly you own three clubs. I think that was the third one or something like that. Wow. I called it three clubs. Everyone did.

Up until right now. It was right there. It was in Pacquiao's gym. Yeah. A wild card was right there. That's right. That's right. But that room.

One of the best in the city for a while. That room, the union. Did the city for a while That room The Union Did you ever do it? Comedy Union Nah just the Union was on Sunset That might have been a little before your time But that room and the Union

Were my two favorite In town one night I love those shows where the people are on top of you That's what I like about the Belly Room They're right on you yeah there was one night at this place the union was done which was on uh sunset and um it was a tiny room and there was one night with oac and the room was packed and rogan was on stage and everybody they opened all the windows and all the doors. So you could hear a thing. And he, you know, in those small packed rooms, you crush in a way that's hard to explain.

Do you know what I mean? Like it is, it's like hysteria because there's so much energy. He crushed in a way with everybody's dude sweating. Cause there was no AC. It was such a crazy experience. It, to this day, might be the most memorable still set I've ever seen anyone do in that tiny little spot, dude. Dublin's was like that upstairs when it first started. World Cafe was pretty awesome back in the day, like that intimate spot.

Christina had Tangier back. Christina Pajitzky had Tangier back in the day. that intimate spot christina had tangier back christina pajitsky had tangier back in the day it was just like that yo dane killed in a way up at that oh yeah up at that what was it called dublin god just crushed them yeah well he was already i think he was already wasn't he already no that got him over to Laugh Factory a lot, and then boom, Comedy Central half hour, and then away we go. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Harry's. Too often, we're choosing between quality or a fair price. With Harry's, you don't have to choose.

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Let's go back to you. So what are you going to do about it? What are you doing about well i'll tell you something man so here's a couple things the first thing was me realizing it that was the very first what made you realize it i honestly had taken some mushrooms and so many people are telling me about psychedelics and they're realizing shit i had taken some mushrooms and I was just going through my past. And it just kept popping up. Just kept popping up.

What? That I would. The self-sabotage. Yeah, that I would submarine myself. You're just in your mind, rolling decks in your past. And every time you're seeing this common thread. And not big ones, dude. Just like little hip checks.

Just to bump you off just a little bit. But not big ones, dude. Just like little hip checks. Just to bump you off just a little bit. But I would always, dude, because I work hard. So I would always do enough not to blame myself. I did all this shit by myself. Again, I would make sure that I was doing all this by myself. So, and then I would be, it's usually, here's how the pattern is. I would do all this shit by myself up to 95%. But I would do the legwork and all that.

But the 5% that I know that I need to do, for example, for chaos, to make it look, sound, clips, all the stuff we know you need to do to make something successful. As good as this podcast is, you got to put out nice clips. You got to make it sound good. Thank you, Ash. Yeah. If it's got bad audio and shit ain't nobody's listening to thank you logan but so i would do enough not to blame myself but the things that i knew that i needed to do to push it over i just didn't do but i wouldn't blame me and i'd say something like well i can't do all this shit but you wouldn't do it because you knew if you did, it would be a good thing and that was uncomfortable and foreign to you. I think that whatever was in – whatever is part of me that either thrives in the rejection or likes that feeling of picking himself back up because I do.

Do you know what I mean? Well, that's what I'm saying. because I do. Do you know what I mean? Well, that's what I'm saying. That rejection and that failure and that just dump on early in life is what drives us. I mean, that's the chip I have on my shoulder. I'll never not have

a chip on my shoulder. I'll always have a chip on my shoulder. I don't care what the fuck happens. But from what? And what feeling? Like feeling like you have to prove yourself? Not feeling like you have to prove yourself? Not feeling like. Prove to myself I was right all along.

I wasn't a piece of shit. Prove to yourself. Prove to myself that I was right all along. None of this I'm doing is a fuck you to anybody out there that has ever done anything to me. out there that has ever done anything to me what this is is a culmination of all those people's fuck yous to me collected and me processing it in a way where i go give them all to me it's i'm not going to prove you wrong i'm going to prove me right i know i'm not what you say or think i am i know what i am so give me all your ammunition because i'm gonna fucking make a sandwich out of you i don't even give up the old ammunition sandwich and i'm gonna eat it and shit it out

i know i'm right about me and that's what you know what's crazy i carry the chip on my shoulder i don't give a shit what anybody says that's what i'm saying i I really don't. Being shit on by your own parents, young and like abused and thrown away. What does what Corvette guy eight, six, four has to say about me and my land? I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I agree with that. And I honestly, I can't say, you know, my parents were not abusive in any way, shape or form to me.

Like I've really been like, where was the wrong, what happened? And I honestly can't put my finger on it. So, but I do know, like I said, what I've, what I have been doing is, uh, you know, another example is high life. I went with a computer mic and a computer camera for years and all the comments on YouTube. And I saw him, Hey man, just get a better camera. Hey man, just get a better camera. And I just didn't. Do you know what I mean? I just did it. Bill would be like, Hey man, you need to get a better camera and so like those little things is what i'm starting with i'm starting with those little things that like i need

the way i look i need to value myself and so those little things that i do knock myself down same i need to value myself look you, I haven't worked out for a year. Who the fuck has? I know, but that's, dude, six days a week, dude. I'm punishing myself right now. And I just have to figure out why. Well, chill out on yourself while Corona punishes the rest of the world. We're almost there, man.

We're almost there but i i have really in the last probably three weeks or a month figured so much shit out that i feel better i feel better than i have in a long time in a long time that's good yeah man yeah i feel way better and like like the state that my creativity is so much higher in the last month or two since moving to Nashville, actually. But yeah, man, I feel good. I feel like I'm figuring out that once I get out of here, I'm figuring out that. A lot of distractions here, too. But here's the wheel yeah but what i mean is i imagine going to nashville where you know no one you're probably

getting to know yourself better and you're spending a time with your family huge difference yeah huge difference huge difference i don't have this to go run and do real quick down the street. I don't have this to go do. Yeah. It's been a huge difference. And that's why I think like not being here and not distracting myself with a thousand shiny things. I finally just turned around and looked at myself and been like, hey, bro. You know, get your shit together. Why are you still on this wheel

running so fast you know i mean and then you look at it you're like oh you yeah you're doing that to yourself bro so and so i'm how old are you now 51 i can't even and you're also a grandfather and four-time grandfather yeah um and it's taking you this long it's taking me a long time too man there's a lot going on in life you know i think that first for a lot of people it's like look man you know there's a lot of trauma early for a lot of people and it's like let me get through this figure out this fucking thing called life and then i can get myself on my feet and figure out what the fuck's going on me and hopefully you look at yourself and what you bring to the fucking table you know which is very big of you it's not you're not sitting here telling me right now well this exec there that that that

this lady over here this guy here but you know you're sitting here taking ownership of but i'll tell you fuck ups it's professionally i would tell you personally i'm not doing that you know personally my relationship with my wife and kids and my family like i'm not sabotaging myself it's only professionally and it's interesting when you said you're like yeah i've done that with a lot of relationships i'm like i mean i'd say a lot i didn't say a lot but i've definitely sabotaged some relationships that i look back on i'm like i mean i'd say a lot i didn't say a lot but i've definitely sabotaged some relationships that i look back on i'm like oh yeah i fucking ruined that yeah i did that because i didn't feel worthy i didn't feel like i deserved it i didn't feel like

yeah you know i was right i hide behind an excuse or whatever it is. And yeah, certainly have, yeah. It's crazy, man. You know, it's when you live long enough, dude. You said every relationship you ever been in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just told me in there. Every job. Every lease you've been in, you wrecked every. Man, what is, tell me something you've done in a relationship where you've sabotaged it.

Cheated. Yeah, that'll do it. You know, being younger and cheating. Yeah. And you know it. You know you just sabotaged that shit. And you know it's going to come out. You know you're going to get caught yeah yeah man you know but when you're a young dude uh you know i i look at uh well i shouldn't

say that because jakey's a relationship guy he just likes to he likes to be with somebody i'm like you you you better person that's because he got love at home. Yeah? I didn't. So I was like, I'm going to take it from you and you and you and you. Anybody? You? All right. You? You? Wait, is your hand up too?

All right. You in the back. You're stretching? All right. All right. Just checking. Was that eye contact? No.

You're just scratching. All right. Yeah, man. That's how All right. Yeah, man. That's how it goes. Yeah, dude. Come on, man. Oh, shit. Dude, I got to tell you, man.

You are, and I've told you this before, but you know in conference, you've done this so many times and so good at it but to be able to make this podcast where people come in and tell whatever and I've heard a bunch where I'm like oh my god and then you'll tell a joke I'm like you got a joke out of that like there you know what I mean but you do it effortlessly without ever offending. Could you say effortlessly without being? Nah, that's not an effortlessly word. That's not an effortless word.

You know what I'm saying? There's a lot of F's and R's and T's and S's. Effortless. They should change that word. That's a tough one to say. You've got to put some effort behind it. You've got to effort effortlessly. Now you say it a couple times, to put some effort behind effort effortlessly yeah now you say it a

couple times doesn't sound like a word but you do it so effortlessly nailed it but without ever offending anybody it's it's a skill man like you're really good at it thank you man i appreciate it but i have fun doing this like i fucking love sitting here listening to people talk about their shit and really put everything. It puts things into perspective. I've said it. There are times where I'm like, what am I complaining about over here? Like, Jesus Christ. And then other times I hear people, I'm like, get your fucking shit together.

Have you ever done something like this? Have you you ever been like have you ever yawned i mean i've yawned during the show for sure but not because someone's boring not in front of someone's face like this not even moving like i've been like hey you got anything else yeah like this is gonna stop yeah you just a pet yeah i can't i can't do a cat death for an hour you know my dad know anybody that knows somebody one of my dad's favorite things if you were telling a story like a dinner table or something and he would just look at you and go wrapping up yeah wrap it up and i was like got it yep good one of my uh favorites was uh a buddy of mine back in the day, John McDaw and another buddy, Dylan Way.

The three of us went camping on the beaches in Mexico. We drove John's old CJ down and went camping. From Maryland? No, from here in California. All right. It was the best time. We had a great time. And we're just bonding.

It's the three of us. We're on the beach. He's got four wheels. So we're out over where It's the three of us. We're on the beach. He's got four wheels. So we're out over where only we can get. We've got a nice fire going. We're smoking some weed. And John's opening up. And he tells this story about something he did where he disrespected his mom.

And he said his dad took him for a walk in the woods and just gave it to him. And he's getting all emotional about and everything he's like you know i i really uh i really learned a lesson he's talking about his dad and everything and he finally gets done he's got this tear coming down his face and i just go that's the worst fucking story i've ever and dylan jumped right on into it i was like are you fun and he the look in his face was just like are you oh and I that's that shit makes me so fucking

happy to take you from here and put you up there that fast it's so much fun it's fun it's like it's like scaring you know when someone scares you and then you're so relieved it's not fucking real you laugh like that kind of shit you remember you were at Bro it's not fucking real and you laugh? Like that kind of shit. You remember you were at Brody's Memorial at the Comedy Store?

Yeah, I cried the entire time, yeah. The funniest thing that happened. So Brody's three friends from the Valley get up and they tell all these stories, these long stories. But Brody is a kid and there's three of them, so they all tell long stories. And Jeff Ross comes on stage right after and goes after hearing brody's friends talk i know why he killed himself yeah he drops that and you can hear the room erupt just blue because they need we needed it we like you're craving that by the way the balls the balls to just lay that down right off the bat when you walk out that's another thing like

i was just like that i was clapping because i was like oh my god there's like two people who maybe would have come out and said that but to come out that it crushed i mean those are my favorite fucking moments yeah you know i'm that same guy the same friend john said to me one time like i was i just told a story about my dad or something, and a few minutes passed or whatever, and we're talking, and he's like, hey, Ryan, your dad's still dead, right? And it fucking made me laugh. I can't tell you how long ago that was. It's still, your dad's still dead. And then, right?

How did you? You need to clarify. That's the shit I love about comedy. That's such a little thing, you know? Still dead, comma, right? And then did he keep going with the story? No, he just dropped it. He's like, hey, you're still dead, right?

And so sincere that you had to process it for a second. What did you say? I just fucking immediately started laughing i didn't say anything but i died fucking laughing that's good stuff it's great shit like it's i like it it's a people say dark humor i don't think that's in a way i guess it is but there's a different type of morbid humor that's not really morbid that's um i don't know i just think that's lightening the fucking you know yeah i don't know i just think that's lightning the fucking you know yeah the moment and and god damn is that funny cutting the tension yeah it's so funny i've

never laughed so hard that i had at my grandfather's funeral that's i was about to say i've laughed so hard at some funeral and you're trying not to that's the one where you and you're looking over your brother just shaking or shaking and you're just like trying to hold it in but your stomach's ripping yeah and um my cousin was next to me but you know in my grandfather dies it was all old people coming through for condolences and he was insulting i don't know three out of four of these old people to their face without them knowing like smiling and saying the insults used to be whiter yeah still straight though yeah just killing these people and i i could not stop laughing it was but you need it at those places because without i do i do not everyone finds it we do you're just stuck in the sadness man that's no you don't want to do that you know you look for that i um well my grandmother died that was a really fucked up time for me

because it's only a few years after my father dies we're now homeless i'd given her mouth to mouth like it was brutal we witnessed it not even when she was dying not no just just on a tuesday i was like grandma let me. You don't look good. Hold on. Let me get some chapstick on those lips. It was bad. Compressions, all of it. CPR, mouth to mouth.

And she dies. And one of her sisters, Sister Carmina, is a nun. She's older. But she was hip as fucking cool shit. And she loved church. She was was a nun so she knew every prayer song all of it and she sits right in front of us and she can't sing for shit and she's and it's me and my brothers and cousins in a row right behind and we i mean i couldn't like it looked listen it looks so disrespectful you're. Oh, so. There's six of us.

Six of us just. Right in front of you. Side by side. No, we're row two. We let the adults go row one. Because we knew. We're not idiots. And we're like, oh, shit.

Oh, shit. And she's like, oh. And it is so bad. We are just looking at each other like, good God almighty. Yeah. I love that, man. bad so bad and another thing we did we did this too people dared us there was a couple times at like when my father died it was it was an excused absence from school we were very popular because we played every fucking sport you know everyone came to our house that kind of shit and um so many people are adults teachers coaches are coming over and they don't

know what to say what do you say to three kids who just lost their fucking dad and their mom's already gone like what the fuck do you say to these kids what nothing i listen i was that kid i wouldn't know what to say to me you know and so so many people say and they do mean it they mean well like if there's anything we can do so viewing night number two we got through night number one night number two we're like i was like i'm gonna fucking just straight up ask somebody for money like an absurd amount of money we're 16 okay and uh we had our our soccer coach our jv coach had come up and he's like hey if there's anything i can do i actually we we could use uh you see he's like what is it

what do you need i was like if there's any way you could just give us like 100 grand and this dude's jaw and we started laughing our dad's dead in a coffin in the front of the room and we are fucking because he was just like ah he's ah. He was like, ah, ah. He was like, I got a 20. I got a 20. You going to tell me no? My dad's dead right there, coach. You said anything.

That's what you said to me. My dad is dead and you said anything. I would have screamed that shit. Scott just said he'd do anything for us. He's already took it back. He ain't even out of the room. My dad's still up there. The coffin's not even

closed for Christ's sake. You should scream. The next person who comes up here and says there's nothing we can do, you better believe. Listen, we need a car right now. We need a car. Who can put it together?

That's funny though and then we came this whole thing i put on my first album we had a family death pool we started having so many fucking deaths and i would we would jokingly say it to my aunt and stuff like how you feel like i'm like you know i'm like good because i got you this year you son of a bitch like they knew you know they all knew but look at this hair, bro. I keep telling my cousins, listen, we're going to be on deck soon. We're going to be the ones people are starting to bet on, you know?

Well, you know Stanhope does that death pool. No, I didn't know that. Well, Stanhope has a death pool. A real one? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been doing it for years. For who? Celebrities and shit?

Yeah, well-known people, a death pool. Like, he. And it pays real money? I forget how he does it, but he's been doing it for years. Well, let's not implicate any kind of tax information or anything, you know, in case. I don't know. I don't have any idea. But I know he does it with his fans.

So, but every now and then, I don't know if he still does it, but I think he does. But every now and then I'll catch a tweet like, who had? Nuh-uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, huh? Who had Screech? Yeah. From Saved by the Bell.

Who had him? You're the winner. Yeah, I love the outpouring of, you know what I mean, for Screech. I love the outpouring of, you know what I mean, for Screech. But this dude, up until a year ago, you couldn't find a person to say a nice thing about him. No, you could not. Not a single dude to say a nice thing about this guy. Nobody. He didn't even get asked to do the Saved by the Bell reboot.

I know. All because of that terrible porn, I think. He had a porn, too? i thought he had other trouble he did have other trouble but he also filmed the porn oh that's right because he's got he had a huge dong right didn't he have like a big dick i don't i don't think in the video you ever saw his dick i think people were very disappointed first of all if you bought a screech porn video you should be disappointed in you yeah you you should be disappointed in yourself yeah i mean you the only disappointment is right there you know what i'm saying you don't just go and look

in the mirror and be like that was a really bad idea you know what i mean like ah what was that time you could look at and be like i don't deserve deserve this. No. I don't deserve to be here. Because let me just say, let me break it down for you. Don't be like, well, the girls were hot. But you have the internet, right? So there are a lot of hot girls. So the only difference was that you wanted to see Screech fucked. I just can't get it.

I'm not. I promise you, no matter how long it takes, even if it's just eight seconds, I have better things to do than see Screech's dick. Rest in peace. rest in peace i have better shit to do well i'm gonna tell you this i mean here's where we differ i'll look at it if i don't gotta pay for it even eight seconds or not you know that's the kind of guy i am i'm saying i'm not gonna go hunt it out look for it that takes time i'm gonna tell you something right now i'm gonna put it in front of your face yeah that's why i don't need to look it up you guys will all you'll you'll tell me some schools reopening and i'll click on it'll be his dick that's what you guys i'm all excited about the schools reopening i just

keep getting dick pics how many times how many i know what women feel like now i get in dip pick dick pics i've got more dick pics from men with the black guy i've had fucking naked pics from chick yeah without just him other people too like look at this oh man i'm like what was that a forked dick yeah have you seen do the two dicks i haven't seen two dicks i've seen the head split is that considered like a snake no actual two dicks next to each other some one person person born like that? Two dicks. One guy who's got like two seven or eight inch dicks, something like that, which is greedy. Two of those? It's greedy.

I mean, you piece of shit. One of them couldn't be all little and scribbled up and shit. Like, you know, when the Siamese twins have two heads, one's big and one's small. Like where you had to push this little one out of the way to work like this. Like he used one just to pee. Just a little, just a little. This one's all scribriveled up. Didn't make it.

This one just looked like the end that you tie the balloon with. Oh, yeah. Like a pig's tail. Yeah, this dude's got two. And he claims that one is straight and one is gay. And I'm like, nah. Oh, I thought I'm worked that one. Nah, I'm sorry, man.

Nobody's believing that. One's for pussies and one's for buttholes. But, you know, that's it. That's how I'd work it. That's how I would do it. This one's just for pussy. And that little shriveled up one right there is for my own. just for pussy and that little shriveled up one right there

is from my home. The butthole dick is like an old shriveled up pinky toe just hanging with sunglasses on a cigarette. Let's get in that butthole. Let's go to the side. Come on, man.

Only one time. Let me get up in that butthole. Kind of like an old jazz singer. Got a trumpet. Yeah. Get up in that ball. Not like an old jazz singer. Got a trumpet. Yeah.

Get out of here. Two eight-inch dicks, you son of a bitch. What a dick. You son of a bitch. I mean, it's really, it's greedy. I mean, it is, man. He should have donated one to somebody. Oh, God.

Somebody could use that dick. I mean, two people could use one of those dicks. I like how you designate one for the butthole. That's the way I work it. I don't want to spread any fucking shit to anybody, literally. But this is a butthole dick, all right? These are the kind of things that I will put in front of you. You know that I'm going to send you, but you sometimes will be like disturbing shit to me.

And you'll say before you click on it, what is that? And what I really want to tell you is if I wanted you to know what it is, I would have said this is a video of. Yeah. A guy shitting his balls out. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was one of my favorites, man.

That fucked me up. Because it looked like gravy. That's what got me. It looked like his intestines were coming out of his ass. I thought this was like a hernia he was pushing out at first. And then I was like, those are his balls. And they fell with such a length. Yeah.

And he seemed like he was in shape and everything else. That's the thing that got me. Not that the nuts were in the balls, but how they fell out with such like it was like i've never considered putting my own ball bag up my own asshole not until i saw that video i never even did that math in my head like i wonder if i could i've never well i will say this my grandfather told me once okay he sat down in front of me and he went whoop and i go what happened papa and he goes i just sat on my nuts and i go what and he goes yeah i just sat on my nuts and then i go that happens and he goes yeah wait till you get older and you have to hold him in your hand so you don't poop on him and i was like what and he goes yeah that's

a thing so wait we're gonna be sitting down one day holding our ball bags like because you know what i mean i'm gonna put them in a little pool of hot like warm water next to me they give me a little mani pedi while i'm taking a dump but yeah he said you know when they start to touch when they touch the water you don't want to touch the water if you want to pick him up unbelievable can't wait to get old dude the the so then when when he's that's been in my mind so i'm not gonna lie to you i have thought is there gonna be a time when my nuts will be able to reach my asshole so i have thought that before i've never be a time when my nuts will be able to reach my asshole? So I have thought that before. I've never thought.

That guy was young, though. He was not an old man. No. I've seen old ball bags at the gym just stuck to the bench, and they're still standing up and drying, but the skin's still stuck there. I'm like, that thing's stuck on the wood. He's got some gorilla glue on the end of his nutsack. I'm like, what is on that ball bag it's you know like an old dude when he talks to you at the gym he'll captain morgan you too

yeah yeah yeah captain morgan and it's just you see him with the hair dryer pulling their foreskin back i'm like nah bro you've seen the do you see the old guys drying their nuts with the hand dryer under the yeah so i'm saying i'm gonna pull their foreskin back the ones that aren't circumcised and dry it off in there get that smegma out of there i don't i i yeah look listen i love you i love you i want you to be good we got to get you out of here this was a great episode thank you for coming in and laughing while you're in town man thanks for always having me i appreciate before we get uh wrap this up please plug everything our comedian josh wolf.com um for tour dates i will be getting out there some

um i got a new when is this do you think about a couple weeks okay it's still gonna be new when it drops yeah i'll have a new special out called father time um it's some comedy nerd shit because i found my very first comedy cd and i was like there's a lot of good ideas here but i'm just different so i rewrote all the okay all right i rewrote all the jokes and and I'm like, oh, some of these are like really completely different because my brain is different. And so it was a really exciting, like this past weekend in Salt Lake City was so exciting to run that material because it felt new. And you know that when you're doing new material, you know how to get that energy. Well, the entire set is new. All right.

So it's fucking super exciting but that's called father time and then i do a show called high live every monday night ryan's been on a bunch um and that's on my facebook fan page and youtube channels and at josh wolf comedy everything else my youtube channel has all my uh comedy on have another the other hour that i was working on before i started to do this should be ready in about five months all right come back and promote it you know i'm gonna do all right brother thank you very much uh as always ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler.. We'll talk to you all next week.