The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Josh Wolf - Troubled Kids

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Josh Wolf! Josh is a grandfather. You don’t get to be a grandfather without first doing a lot of fathering - we know that much. But what we don’t know is how to handle every situation thrown at us as fathers. No one does. We reflect on our upbringing and Josh opens up about parenting Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel & watch The Dew there every toozdee! Sign up for my new Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail]!

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at The Honeydew Studios doing it at Santa Monica Music Center. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media. Go to my website, ryansickler.com. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media. Go to my website. RyanSickler.com Sign up for the newsletter.

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The Night Pants. I mean, Night Pants Nation, y'all. I can't wait to introduce my next guest. Night Pants Nation over here is growing and growing. So thank you for your support and i mean i love i love seeing you guys out there keep sending the pictures i'll keep tagging you and uh i just want to give a special shout out again to my friend lana negretti here at the santa monica music center where we record um if you live in la and you're looking for lessons for

you or your kids uh They're offering online lessons. And this is the spot, man. I'm telling you, they've been here for 50 years. They're a family-owned business. Give them back to the community. And with all the uncertainty, they've done a lot of online classes. So if you go right now to the website,

santamonicamusic.com, use code HONEYDOO, they will waive the registration fee and give you a free lesson when you sign up for a package. So it doesn't matter if you live in, I don't know, Indianapolis. If you want you or your kids to be trained by some really great Los Angeles musicians, I'm telling you this is the spot. Now that said, about the show, if you're new here, welcome. And for the rest of you coming back, thank you so much for supporting. I really appreciate everything you guys do.

You know I mean it. And like I always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers, and we're highlighting the lowlights. And I cannot wait to re-highlight some lowlights with my man over here. Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Wolf, y'all, everybody.

What's up, man man welcome back to the honey how you doing man i'm really good i'm gonna show you how i'm doing all right take a little sip my water i'll show you my honeydew night pants now i have to tell you they are it's exactly last that's how i'm doing last time i was on the Honeydew, we talked about night pants. They didn't exist. They didn't exist. They did not. And we spoke afterwards, and you said, you know what, man?

I'll make some night pants. And I said, go ahead, dude. I think I said, I don't think anybody else is selling night pants. Listen to me. I have been for, this goes back to, I want to actually say it might have been a Santino episode of the Craft Feast where I just, because I've always called them night pants and Larson and Nate, they start shitting on me, whatever night pants,

night pants. And I've always said, I want to do like night pants. I've talked about doing, um, a night pants tour where you come in your night pants. And then when you go home, you're fucking ready to be there.

You know what I mean? Wait, are you performing in night pants? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Because low key, that's the smartest. Yeah. Because that means you just going to perform in that. Because by low key, that's the smartest. Yes.

Because that means you just get to wear your pajamas on stage. That's it, bro. That's it. And I'm done. I'm done. I'm done for the night. You come out. I don't know what meet and greet's going to be like moving forward, but you know what

I'm going to have available? Some fresh motherfucking night pants. And you can come get your night pants. Let me ask you something. How many night pants, you go for a weekend, how many pairs of night pants are you going come get your night let me ask you something how many night pants you go for a weekend how many pairs of night pants you're gonna bring for the weekend because are you wearing the same night pants on stage as you're wearing to bed no i'm going fresh night pants every every show every show just like a new pair of sneakers but i'm going night pants i'm going fresh night

and do you sleep in your night pants i do sleep in my night pants if it's hot i sleep in shorts yeah i'm thinking about making some night yeah i was gonna say you? I do sleep in my night pants. If it's hot, I sleep in shorts. Yeah. I'm thinking about making some night shorts. Yeah, I was going to say, how do you not have night shorts? About to get them upstate. Let's get them night shorts ready. Wait, no. I'm going to tell you right now, night pants of the same material, I don't hate those. Make them a little loose with a drawstring.

These have a drawstring in pockets. In pockets? I have yours coming. I'm upset that I couldn't get them in time for you, but I have a drawstring in pockets in pockets i have yours coming i'm upset that i couldn't get them in time for you but i have a pair coming for you these are quality night pants i'm gonna tell you right now as many people are buying night pants you're gonna have twice as many people buying night shorts because a lot of people don't like to sleep and get hot but they have i got a lot of florida fans might need some night shorts i got you i got your pan handle i got you yeah they want some night shorts and i got you. I got your panhandle. I got you. Yeah. They want some night shorts.

And I see. So after saying it to you and you clowning me, I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I finally, it's time. I've been talking about doing this shit forever.

Let's just make these night pants. And then boom, made the night pants. And then the goddamn virus hits. And there it is. I got the cure for comfort right there. I told Segura, you all went for safety with the masks.

I went comfort. We hit the virus from both sides. Smart. You know what I'm saying? It was really smart. The pants during the virus, because I will tell you, about maybe a month into quarantine, I said out loud, let's see if those jeans fit.

Listen. I had been wearing pants with a drawstring for so long i had no i couldn't judge where i was at i'm not gonna lie to you i put my jeans on and uh i tried button that top button i was tight toy yeah and the top button went boing shut the fuck up I haven't had a pair of jeans on I don't know probably a few days before quarantine because I like this is it I'm done I'm not wearing jeans again unless I fucking have to

from here on out it's night pants and so I'm going old school Italian dude I'm a sweatsuit rock and I don't give a fuck anymore yeah yeah yeah I'm old school I have kids without underwear sweatsuit rock underwear fuck anymore underwear yeah yeah i'm boy old-scale i have kids you said without underwear you said old school there was a one it's like going down for that or two i used to live near the uh guitar center on sunset man there isn't a russian dude there who owns a track

suit and underwear yeah you're right about that i like I like the way my fucking dick feels on that velour, man. Man, I like it. Right next to the Adidas logo. All right. Yeah. We definitely have some things to talk about. We do. Before we do, please promote anything you want.

Promote all of it. Chaos, all of it. First of all, if you haven't gone to my YouTube channel and watch my stand-up please do i'm uh the special that i have on there there i'm not proud of everything i've ever done but i consider this to be a quality it is our and if you like story if you like storytelling i i don't think i'm the best but i'm not the fucking worst you know what i mean so i it's a great uh it was a i had so much fun how many youtube subscribers do you have now 1.2 million yeah so yeah so but but go check it out pretty up there yeah it's doing all right i do all right so the other thing is like i do this

show called control chaos and i do it every tuesday night And I used to do it in studio. And now because of COVID, I do it Zoom. It's just. It's so much fun. Fun. I honestly think it just needs a couple of eyeballs. And off it goes. Because it's really just three funny people riffing. I give you ridiculous questions to answer.

And it's like, you know, it's honey for the bee. You guys are. For the do. Yeah. It's honey for the do. It is. get to do yeah for the do it is i wouldn't even eat honeydew with honey on it that's how bad there isn't i've never taken a good bite of honeydew but control chaos every tuesday night and then uh yeah just check my social out man but those are the two things i'm really pushing right now. What social Josh Wolf,

Josh Wolf comedy. And also if you like people watching people be high and doing stupid shit every Monday night, I do a, in my backyard, I do something called a high live where I take mushrooms and I smoke weed and I turn on my camera. Do you do mushrooms also with that?

Oh, I didn't know that. We'll have to talk about that. So I do mushrooms. I take, I do do mushrooms. I smoke weed weed i turn on my camera i draw pictures i uh i read children's books it's just a lot of weird fun and and that's

it man just fun shit but i i'm really decided i'm not gonna do anything i don't like doing anymore i agree agree a hundred percent agree. Whatever the fuck I want to do, I'm doing from now on. I don't care. No. Yeah. Because the deal is if we look at the people that we know who are the most successful in our game, that's exactly what they did.

But also, I don't even mean that. If I want to go get a fucking face tattoo, I'm getting a fucking face tattoo. But what I mean is, what I've learned from those people is, hey, just be as much of yourself as you're comfortable being. Be as you as you can be. The more you you can be,

the, not, this is going to sound, not the less you have to do, as in the less, you have to do less work. But the less it feels like you're working because when you're just, it always felt like work when you were putting something on, but as long, if you're just being you, it's almost easier because you're not thinking about like, what, what do I have to do to make these people laugh? You're like, I'm just going to do this because this

makes me laugh. And if it makes me laugh, the people who are watching or listening, that's obviously what they want to see too. But the more authentic you you can be, I've found from, look at Joey Diaz, dude. Yep. Joey Diaz. This guy has done time. He has kidnapped someone.

Yeah. And he is embraced and loved. I'm still doing his whole life story on this show I love that dude checking on you with phone calls phone calls doesn't leave a message

you call me back don't fucking text me you text him anyway maybe you get one there's a chance you know his message on his used to be on his phone? Hey, you know who this is, cocksuckers. Let me tell you something.

Don't leave a fucking message unless it's about work or you owe me money. This is on his machine. And you motherfuckers talking about sad so you want to come hang out or any of that fucking stupid shit. I'll fucking choke you the next time I see you. Okay, bye.

Be blessed. But he would get so mad. So people would, you know, if you wanted to mess with him, you're just going to leave him one message. What's going on, Joe? But he's, how about this? He was told over and over again, too dirty, change who you got to, this is not.

He was 50 when he hit 50 which means he throughout very a lot of scary fucking years of piecing together i remember him in my i i i used to be fascinated by him and how he survived and and i remember him in my kitchen we in my kitchen is not the right word but i had this living room set that was all old barrels we had found it on the side of the road in west hollywood and we were like barrels the barrel chairs a barrel table barrels so and to see him sitting on one of those chairs was so fucking funny. I hope you have a picture of that. But he would be like, and he'd take out this notebook, and he'd be like, on a Tuesday, I'm getting $20 from Rudy.

And you would see him put together this week. And you knew there was an easier path for him. And he just was like, this is who I am. This is just who I am. And eventually, the town caught up to it but but but he was so himself for so long before it was cool to be yourself i think he scared people away oh no doubt well remember when i did your um cmt show they cut him out yeah it was like he was there in the wide shots and never said anything yeah yeah it was too whatever for them i will tell you when i did that show man the list of people

that i made i was like these people are coming on the show the list of where people were like are you sure that those people for this crowd i'm like these are my friends and a lot of these people are my friends who everybody on tv says they can't come on tv so you know whose tv show they're coming on my fucking do you know what i mean like yeah but like but but they were like they were like these people but they're not right for this network well they're not right for the network because they're my friends and i'm on this network that didn't always go over it did not Some people got cut completely out of the episode. All the check, man.

You know what I'm saying? They did cut him out, man. So here's the thing. We go back a long way, obviously. But I've known you over the years to become a grandfather. I've known you. But you've always been a father since I've known you. Always. And you told me that recently you,

so how old are you now? 50, dude. So 50, I love it. So at 50, and see, I'm just behind you, but you're still growing and learning, and you said you just, some things hit you about your father. Your dad.

You know, so my son is living with me now and how old is he 22 23 i have to tell you man it's like a bonus time because that age you don't expect to get this extended amount of time when he has to be home so he has to fucking talk to me he's got you know what i mean it's been the silver lining from this whole thing because i'm i'm man let me just get tell you one thing the silver lining is i'm so less worried about not only do i get to spend time with him and and um and just hang with him but the things that i was worried about him you you know, um, there was a movie a couple of years ago, I think it was called 20th century women. And,

um, there was a line in there. I think Julianne Moore was the mom. I forget. Maybe not, but there was a line in there that their mom said to this girl about who had taken her son, his,

her son out. And she basically said, what, or maybe it was in at Benning. She said, what, what, what's he like out there? And the girl was what do you mean and she said well as the mom and the parent i never get to see what they're like in the world and i was like that's interesting yeah if you get to

see what they're like as a child but not a boyfriend or a student or a, you know who they are in front of you at your house, but you don't get to see who they are out there because everybody puts on their best, bravest face in front of their parents. You don't get to see like, I know my parents don't know everything, but you know what I mean? Think of,

right, right. So when I heard that in the theater, I was like, wait, I was like wait i was like holy fuck but he told me some stories about some shit he's done um just out in the world where i was like i'm so glad you told me those man like i had there's so many so many of the worries that i had about you those stories what you told me takes away those fears. Like it was,

it's been so good to have him home. I'm, I've always been confident in who he is. You've met my son. He's a great kid. You guys, uh, with him, you and your wife and, and he changed my mind on ever smoking weed with kids. Cause I've always thought I would never, you know, I love, yeah. Uh, marijuana works for me. I'm full support of it. This is water. But I always thought I won't smoke with my kids. I just always felt, and also I've always felt like it would come at a fucking cookout. You know what I mean?

We're all like, hey, dad's going to the garage, whatever. Watch my burger. Yeah yeah sitting at a cafe i never considered it being a legal thing anyway in that equation sitting at a cafe a real restaurant where i mean i would go have a drink with my daughter when she's 21 why wouldn't i do that in a proper setting and that changed my whole thoughts on oh well then i probably would smoke weed with my kids about this man uh when they're of age yeah of course tomorrow listen i get it from my daughter now she's five that elementary school's got some good shit yeah that's why i like public school man uh but think about this like private schools coke and

yeah heroin you get public school way healthier for you but i i'm not gonna i wouldn't sit and get fucked up either way i'm not gonna sit and get drooling drunk no you know what i mean so like if you're okay with having a beer or a glass of wine that's yeah that's all i'm not doing four foot bong rips i'm smoking a joint that's it dude the four foot bong rips i miss them you know i'm not gonna lie to you i mean i miss them i miss them uh so it's been great it's been great having him on and i watch him play video games all that shit and so i started asking for the first question that kind of i wanted to know how his childhood was right i just like what was his experience i know what my

idea of what his experience was well i'm just want to know like you can't hurt my feelings now we're buddies and like and then we were talking and the question that kind of kicked all this off of my dad i asked him i said were there was there ever a meal that like when either me or your mom were like we're having this tonight you guys were like oh the fuck i mean everybody had right growing up for meatloaf right was it when you uh fucking hate meatloaf and i hate just like and did you did they make it at the house i mean just like meat potatoes and carrots did they make it at the house? You know what I mean? Just like meat, potatoes, and carrots. Did they make it at the house? Yeah. And that's the thing, right?

When they said that. You smell it all day, you're already miserable. Motherfucker. Rule my lunch. No, we're having that for dinner. For me, it was every Friday night. We were, did not grow a lot of money. And so Friday was when my dad took everything that was left over in the fridge.

Fridge shit. He put it in a, and when this yellow, when this yellow, it wasn't a crock pot, but it was a yellow like pot with handles on the side and a lid. When he took this old yellow ceramic pot out, you knew his casserole night. And he put everything that was left over from Monday,

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, put it in a pan, put cheese on that shit. And called it casserole. So you were like, is that lasagna and potatoes and green beans?

Like, what the fuck? It was everything with cheese. And he called it casserole. So I was telling Jacob. I was like, was there ever anything? And Jacob was like, that's funny about the casserole and i go yeah that is funny and we were laughing about it and then when i started to think back i was like but i remember how mad it made me at my dad growing up i remember how mad i was at him and i remembered how i thought

he was so fucking cheap and and like um it was how embarrassing the casserole was how embarrassing yeah even when it was just us eating it how embarrassing it was the feeling of oh my god and it started to make me think about like and jacob asked me a lot of questions about man you were different than a lot of the parents that i knew in that, you know, you never raised your voice. And that's the way. Yeah. I'm not a yeller. Yeah, man.

I'm a what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing? That's it. I hit it in there. Yeah. I'm when I'm high, I'm more of a long vowel. Like, I'll hold on to my man or shit like

that and so it slows the conversation down but but um i told him i said you know i am i learned a lot from my the way my dad parented me like i remember there were definitely a lot of things when i was growing up i was like i'm not gonna be this i'm not gonna be this i'm not gonna be this but i said the the real thing that kind of changed me as a dad was your first two weeks alive when i realized that nobody knows what the fuck they're doing nobody nobody knows what the fuck they're doing so mistakes are going to be made first of all mistakes are going to be made also when you have babies young sometimes you're not emotionally equipped you know what having a kid made me realize like i would say things to my dad like i hate you i can't imagine my kid saying that to me it hurt you've never had that no dude it hurts me thinking about saying that to him because i

knew what that would do to me if my if jacob whatever like i fucking hate you to to i think i told you this story once a couple years ago when i gave my dad i laid into him a little bit because he had said to me, if comedy doesn't work out, you should get into producing. This is after the David Ortiz roast. And I went off on him and I had asked, I saw him the next day and I felt bad.

And I said, Hey, I'm really sorry. But he also was the sage that day and was like, uh, he said, you know, I,

I opened up a conversation to you. I asked you a couple of questions. You gave me some answers that were true to you. I can't be mad at you for giving me responses to what I brought up. Cause it's not what I want to hear. Yeah. It was blew my mind. I was like, that changes the chain. By the way, him saying that to me that that day changed my life moving forward because I stopped being mad at people for their answers that I, I asked you a question, man. Right.

Well, it's not the one that I wanted, but that's where you are. Right. But I would say things to him that were just horrible. And what having Jacob made me realize, you know, the two old,

my two oldest kids were not mine biologically. And at the time, honestly, the Jacob was born, I was with the mom and with the two kids. I was moving to California. It was like in a very, and I'm a pretty easygoing dude, but you see how life gets at you and you can lose your temper quicker,

you can raise your voice. All that stuff can happen to the best person who is the best parent who loves their kid more than anybody. Do you know what I mean? There are going to be times when life beats your patience. Period.

As a child, you don't get that. You know, we were really poor growing up. My dad didn't have a job for a long time. I'm sure that was very stressful on him. I'm sure that was very difficult knowing that my mom went to work every day. This is not right now when it's cool. Not so cool. Or not that it wasn't cool it just wasn't

what was happening right it wasn't yeah common no no no for the for the end it wasn't that so he sunk and and as a human being i look back now i don't he was probably super depressed because when he did get a job who he was and his parenting this is what i'll realize later changed he became the dad that none of my brothers got and i got him for the my entire year high school years maybe more but i realized that most not all most most people are just parenting the best they can no all do you know that all parents are just doing the best there can. No, all people. Do you know what I mean? All parents are doing the best they can. There are some people who are doing the best they can.

There are some shitty ones who are doing the best they can. Fair enough. But that's the thing. And you may judge from the outside. But also, it might be the best they can. Yes, yes. Because they're just shitty people. Yes.

But I really do believe that even looking from the outside, that's not great. I really believe that. And so it changed my perspective on my dad and it changed how I parented moving forward so much

here's the thing too about us as human beings on this planet we take on so many roles in our lives we are fathers, mothers, sons, daughters cousins, nephews co-workers you're not going to be good at every single role in your life you could be a kick-ass teacher and a horrible fucking parent you know what i mean like but it can happen you see people who are terrible spouses and great

friends and great parents they're just not good at this that's right just because you're a terrible husband doesn't mean you're a horrible father. They're not completely separate. It's usually the woman's fault. But also the parenting thing is it's a long game you could be a great parent for eight years and a shitty one for the next 10 what because you're the rebound you know what i mean

it is an ever-growing ever-changing ever-flowing thing and unfortunately it's the long game when you get into your 30s 40s 50s where you look and hat and become a parent look back and go how the fuck did they do that go how the fuck did they do that yeah how the fuck did they do that with four because most of us grew up in a bigger family you're right but also back then not diagnosing depression anxiety anything walk it off everything yeah duct tape yep yeah i remember the, uh, that the, I talked to my dad about this, like, cause he was in Seattle where Jake, where Jake was born.

And I was, um, I had at the time I had a St. Bernard. So we went out and walked my St. Bernard. Yo, this ain't with her, by the way. Right. Massive, right? They're all massive. I mean, they could have a her, by the way. Ryan. Massive, right? They're all massive. I mean, they could have a fucking barrel under their neck. Okay, so at one point in time, I went on vacation, and my roommate didn't realize that he had a little dog he could put in the yard and not latch the fence.

My dog's head could open doors that had handles. He would go like this. That's it? That high? Dude. And he walked out in the street, and he got hit in the head by a car. Lived. Lived.

Holy shit. Lived. But his head got smaller. He was like a far side character. He had a huge body and a tiny head. Oh, he really did? Yeah, because all the muscle atrophied. So he had this tiny little head and this massive body it was

talking about a honeydew a dog right there what the fuck happened to your head man like i won't talk about but here's it but he used to he looked like this is when all the beethovens were coming yeah so so so dog kids would run up to him right well after he got hit in the head something happened to his personality and he wasn't nice so these kids would run up and um bud was named would lunge at him and so this one girl at the park ran up and lunged and poor sweetie was crying and the mom picked her up and walked her away and while i'm still walking the dog around the park and i used to tell him not beethoven my bed don't slow down slow down right because there's only this dog dude it's mozart right yeah you don't want to fuck with this this is miles davis so i wouldn't come up this dude listen 150 pounds i'm having heart if he decides head down i'm going that way you're

going so i kept telling him to back up back up back back and so the mom comes up to he finds me and goes she's mad dude hands on hips karen walks right up to me karen and she goes i hope you're happy and i'm like sorry what she goes well you just your dog just ruined all the beethoven movies like you're welcome yeah she was like she said i'm never watching beethoven again but i called my dad we're out walking my dog i mean my dad and We're out walking my dad. I mean, my dad and I were out walking my dad. And I said to him, I said, I want to apologize to you. This is how long ago? This was two weeks after Jacob was born.

Okay, two weeks after. I said, I want to apologize to you. And he said, for what? I said, it's not. I just, I didn't know how much you didn't know. And he said about what I go parenting. He goes, I still don't, I still don't know. And he said, I was like, what do you mean? He said, well, as your kids get older, you know them less and less. So they show you who, especially in this teenager, they show you who they, a lot of times who they think you want them to be sometimes like one of my brothers would always get gifts that he was like i can't even tell us i

hate that i'm like but they think you like it because this is who they think you are, right? This is the best kids who are liars tell their parents 70% of the truth because 70% seems like an awful lot to the parent. Well, he did tell us about that one thing, but they're holding on that 30% that you're never going to fucking know, you know? And so that's what he was saying is it doesn't get easier. You, they're gone more, you know, them less. And that's, you know, it's a great point because as they behave the way they think

maybe you want them to as a teenager, you're probably getting a lot of that behavior too. Best behavior, especially if they don't live around you because they're coming home for holidays and things like that. So let's put on, let's have a good time. And there's emphasis on making sure this is fun and memorable and, you know,

not just some bullshit. You know, and I've talked about this before, but my daughter hid cutting from us for years. How? Do you know now how? Well, there's just parts of her body that I never saw. Never saw her in short-sleeved shirts? So she would wear short-sleeved shirts,

but maybe the back of her leg, like a hamstring, and she would just wear shorts or pants, right? Or in the winter, or when it was cold, she would wear long-sleeved, but that way she could get her arms.

And like, you just don't know and people like how could you not know i'm telling you right now i'm a pretty attentive dude man i love my kids i i'm i'm in their shit i'm i'm a dude to tell you right now if you're a parent and your parent your kid is over 13 and you're not snooping why the fuck not i i found out so much about their lives there's only one thing i ever busted any of them about and there was some shit i found out that i was like i think this is terrible but they're not going to harm themselves or this is not something i need to know i found uh when jacob was 15 i found a va a vape with nicotine vape.

I'm like, you smoke weed, motherfucker. In this house, we smoke weed. I was like, first of all, don't hit my vape. Yeah, you're not going to like that. But I got, and he was like, you were snooping? I go, first of all, he goes, were you snooping in my room? That's today's cigarettes. But yeah, and I said, first of all, first of all,

I was snooping in my room. You live in my house. You are technically renting that room. You know that bed? Who bought that bed? He's like, you, I'm like,

you're sleeping on my bed in my room. You're sitting on my chair. You're using my cover. Everything in this house is mine, including this fucking vape. And I was like, let me tell you something right now. Hide it.

I said, and I even said to him, look, parents, if you're looking now. Hide it. And I even said to him, look, parents, if you're looking for something in a boy's room, look for an old cigar box, some wood box that they think is cool that they found on the street somewhere. You know what I mean?

That's where- Stash box. Yeah, the stash box. So I said, I'm not even gonna say anything about the weed you got in that stupid wood cigar box on your desk. And he goes, you found that? I go, that's where you hid stupid wood cigar box on your desk and he goes you found that i go that's where you hit it on top of your desk yeah i found it dude i found it by just walking in and opening it up it's not hidden at all just i go just like the bong that's in that paper bag out

by the recycling bin he goes you know that's there too? I'm like, yeah. Why is it outside, bro? He was like, it's so big. I'm like, bring it in. Someone's going to steal it, dummy. So he did. He used to keep a bong by the recycling bin. Outside. Outside. In a giant, like, you know the didgeridoos?

Yeah. In like a case, it looked like a didgeridoo. But like a quarter of it still stuck out. It's so stupid because you can't get the, well, anyways. But, yeah, I snooped man and, and, um, I snooped and I wish I had snooped and found out about the cutting, but, but that's why you never, you only snooped on your son. No, I snooped on her too.

You did, but I didn't find, I found some things, but nothing. Right. And, and, and things that were just private for her. But like, if I had seen, Hey, I'm cutting or I found a razor blade. I could have jumped in earlier. I know,

I know a lot of people will be like, you're breaking your kid's trust. Okay. But if it's between breaking, save their life and fuck you. If it's, and when they get older, they will understand.

But if it's, you might not, they might not talk to you for 10 fucking years. They'll get it. And if they died, you would be like be like oh i should have fucking snooped i'm not in there because i found out they drank over the weekend i'm not in there busting her because i i found the clothes that she hid that she wears when she leaves the house that's all regular teenage shit but if i'm finding a razor blade or i'm finding like in a diary i'm finding things about

how i want to kill myself i'm glad i snooped i i don't want people like you break your trust all right i'm gonna i'm on the save life dad and i was like wait i have to ask you when did you find out and how did you find out if your daughter hit it so well i'm curious to know how did you find out she was cutting she told us she told you she came clean because she wanted help yeah um well we had started to put her in therapy before then, so I think the therapist was like, you've got to tell your parents. So this came, but you were out of nowhere. You had no idea.

Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like I said, you always think you have a great relationship with your kid. And you probably do. But there are things you don't know. When I hear parents say my kid tells me everything. Nope. No. Would you tell your parents everything?

Fuck no. And I don't even have parents. Yeah. I still ain't telling them shit. But yeah. So having a kid led to a lot of forgiveness for my dad and an apology to him because I knew, man, he said, and it took this thing looking back to realize that he realized at some point,

he pulled, oh my God, this is one of the hardest things I'd ever heard. We were driving, we were driving to my, his cousin's house. And, um, it was a silent car ride. My brother and I had fucking had enough of my dad.

And how do you, this time? I gotta go. We were probably 10 and 12. And this fucking guy just never gave anyone a break and just seemed like the biggest dick and before we were dad yes okay and just how he just was always on edge and never seemed happy but like i said as a kid i don't know looking as a grown-up i know dude went through a tough period and a tough period with four teenage boys in the house at the same time do you know what i

mean like with four boys in the house challenging authority at all times every time you turn a corner somebody else is telling you no yeah yeah every fight and it smells you know how bad it smells and constant fighting i'm sure that he was like, I lose my buggy bike. So, but he pulled us over. He looked in the backseat and my brother and I, I knew we were just like, oh my God. And he,

maybe the first time, you know, he didn't start saying I love you until his dad died. Interesting. How old was he when his dad, roughly? Do you know? I bet you. Like, how old were you

when your grandfather died? Fuck. I bet that's got to be 20 years ago, 25 years ago. So it took him years and years to say. He wasn't saying it. You know how he showed he loved you is he showed up. He was at every game I ever played. Coached most teams.

He showed up. Okay. But he was not. I think that's more most teams. He showed up, but he was not, I think that's more of a generation thing too. You know, I'm not sure those old dudes were kissing you on the cheek and you know what I mean? But he showed up and I didn't look, but he was quiet because he's just a quiet dude.

So I never gave him credit for that either until I got older because I didn't realize how hard it is to always show up to make sure you're always available that is all you need to do to be a good parent show up best you can and show up and be genuine genuine genuinely interested in what they're doing if it's fucking soccer or whatever it is then be behind it and support it they don't need trips to fucking europe they don't need the this is into that and the cars and the fuck all they need yeah unconditional love that's it show up be interested and love them that's it the best you can the my daughter you you know what i took her on a trip across the country to get her first kiss right

can i tell you that story get her first kiss so right? Can I tell you that story? Get her first kiss? Is that what you just said? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're driving your daughter to get her first kiss? I didn't tell you this story? I don't believe you have.

I just don't want to forget your dad has just pulled over and has turned around and looked at you and you're leaving me on a cliffhanger right now. I don't know what the fuck. He starts to go into this stuff. His cousin is a really successful guy. He just pulls over and what? Is he briefing you before you pull up?

We're at the foot of the driveway. It's two cars. My mom and my other two brothers. I don't know why we were taking two cars at a time, but it was just me, my dad, and my... He pulls over and he's like, hey, so this and this, and he even apologized. He's like, I'm sorry I've been real on edge.

And he said, this is what I want you guys to do in life. And he said a couple of things, and he said, I want you to do those things because i don't want you to end up like me and i was like it was the first time even as a kid i was like that was one of the heaviest like when i look back at all this stuff and i imagine saying that to a kid that's how much he was struggling to just to hold it together it seemed for a bit it was to it was really um you look back and you piece it together and you're like oh yeah this dude was really during a difficult time doing the fucking best he could yeah and so when i started to put all that together i knew i owed

him whether he wanted to hear it or not i needed him to know that I was sorry that I had given him such a hard time and that all these realizations were going to change how I looked at parenting and how I reacted to my kids and how they reacted to me, even if they were a little out of line or or not to take things personally. And like there were so many lessons that I learned from the, the way he handled himself. I have to say, man,

graciously there, the way I'd look back at some of the things that were said to him. And some of them, he said, I hate, yeah. Some of the things, man,

he, he, it was tough sometimes, but like I, he didn't, he did what he could. And man, I look back, like like I, he didn't, he did what he could. And man, I look back, like I said, he showed up to everything. He was a good dad.

He just did it. Brought the casserole. But he did it the way he could do it. No love, but just like, but that casserole, bro. You know what else he used to do? He used to leave big because he wanted the burgers to be healthy he used to put big chunks of green pepper in them like flintstone right yeah and i was like why can't i just have a salad why do i gotta have why why does the pepper have to be in

the fucking burger i can't have a salad he's like nah it's. It's right in there. He was the worst cook. But he used to make pancakes for me and my friends every Sunday morning in his underwear. In his tighty-whities. Yeah, bro. I'll tell you. Was your dad in the military? No, he was not in the military. Dads make the best breakfast.

They just make good breakfast. But military dads make it. Because military dads, they're always up. They just make good breakfast. But military dads make it because military dads, they're always up early. They make good breakfast. I'm like, anytime I spend the night at somebody's house, I'm like, you're down in the military? They're like, yeah. I'm like, we up for that.

We're going to be up for that. But you're wearing underwear? Always tidy ways. Yeah, tidy ways. My dad would come out on purpose. It's his house. He's going to come out and be like, guys, turn that shit down. And we're like, Jesus Christ, Dad. Like, come come on and they're all laughing and everything and he's laughing walking

back like stop my dad used to shit with the door open that's you know that's claiming this is fucking that's the thing i always said that is a power move that is this is a so one time my friend i think it was mike o'connor, he was over at the house. And we were probably 10 or 11, and my dad was in his room. And he goes, boys, come in here, come in here. And we run into his room, and he was actually in his room but on the toilet. And the door was open, and he was just sitting on the toilet with his tighty-whities around the ankle. And he just looks at us, and he goes, what are you doing today?

And I was like was like oh fuck you i don't know well he's never coming back that guy's never coming back did you did you have a meal that was meatloaf growing up you hated it i hated meatloaf i still i i i'll say this there was everyone every time i hear that but you gotta try my meatloaf. No, I fucking don't. Your meatloaf ain't shit either. Your meatloaf ain't shit. Everybody puts that same seasoning and shit in it. That's what does it.

It ruins it. I just don't think anything... I don't like the word loaf really. Loaf of bread. Loaf of bread, but something loaf. Like of meat? Fruit loaf, meat loaf. Of loaf of meat nut loaf i don't need a loaf can we cut this up make some hamburger patties but one time this black girl named juanita

came to a super bowl party i threw and she's like ryan i know how you feel i go listen don't even and she's like i know she goes but i don't put i do it different so i go to have it and she made a football out of the loaf oh all right bacon for the laces and then sour cream for all the you know white yeah like the border of the football and everything and i'm gonna say this it's the only meatloaf i've had that i liked it was it was good but dude that's because it had bacon exactly that's what i saying. When you got to start throwing bacon on honeydew and shit like that, and you don't have anything, you got good bacon. I would tell you this.

If you put bacon and sour cream on almost anything, that's a winner. It's edible. Yeah. It's edible. That is a winner, dude. Yeah. That is a winner, dude. Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, I'm sure having a kid changed how you thought you'd parent, right? Oh, everything, man. And also, like, my father died when I was 16. So as soon as I had my daughter, like, I've said it before, the most scared I've been was the drive home from the hospital. Like when they're finally like, hey, this big safe building where we have all the things to take care of everybody and save their lives needed, we're going to give this to you and you're going to get that away from here and good luck to all of you. And then you're like, what the fuck?

It made me so nervous to drive home. But yeah, it changed everything. You know, my daughter said to me the other day, she had a little spl other day she she had a little splinter and i've she's had a couple before and i went to get the tweezers and the last one it hung it held on like it didn't want to go so she got mad she was crying a little bit so she did not want to do it on this one i go let me just get it i'll make you feel better and she looked at me she's like dad it's my body if i don't want to take the splinter out i don't want to take it out

and i looked there i go you know what there's a five-year-old. I was like, you're a hundred percent right. It's your body. If you don't want to fucking take it out, leave it in there. And she left it in tough. I was like, it'll work it out.

Self out sooner or later. Don't worry about it. But I was blown away that this child at that age could reason with me and be right. You know, um, she says a lot of things and does a lot of things that blow me away her memory is sick like is there anything that your dad did that you swore

you'd never do but you do i'll tell you what i let me answer it the other way what i don't do my mother when we were little kids used to lick a fucking napkin and wipe our face i hate that spit i was like get the fuck off my face yeah uh you think it's cleaner now because you licked your hand and wiped my face right that's like the handkerchief lick the thumb when you see my grandfather classy dude but when he took that handkerchief out blew it and then put it back in his pocket i'm like you nasty that's the one thing i wouldn't do but my dad also had three kids so i get it now snot nose run all the time like here i'm like he just blew his boogies in that one uh and you're putting that shit in your pocket where are your keys motherfucker uh i don't want that loose change um so yes i would never i've never

done that to my daughter. Like lick my fucking finger. Her mom does it. I just, every time I see it, I look at her and I go, Oh, so gross. Um, but I'm pretty, I've only yelled one time in five and a half years and that's not bad. I raised my voice and she cried. She's like, you scared me. And I was like, well, you know what?

I wasn't right to yell and I apologize for doing that. But how many times have I ever done that?. She's like, you scared me. And I was like, well, you know what? I wasn't right to yell. And I apologize for doing that. But how many times have I ever done that? And she's like, it's the first time. Like, what'd you, I'm allowed to hell.

They just weren't listening to their mom. And I, I was in the middle of working on this studio and I just needed to get away for an hour and a half or two hours to work. And within 30 minutes I'm getting called because they're not listening. So I got to go back. And I was not happy about having to go back. But that's the thing.

Did you feel guilty about yelling? No. No. No. I felt good and vindicated. Listen. During the pandemic, it felt good to get some shit out, too. But also, it wasn't that I felt bad. Because what I was saying was being said loud. That's all. it felt good to get some shit out yeah but also it wasn't that i felt bad because i what i wasn't

what i was saying was being said loud that's all the message wasn't hurtful or you know disrespectful but my volume was loud so that's what was yeah but that's what scared everybody so i didn't feel bad about the message but i did apologize for the the volume in the hole you have yeah you have an ace in the hole dude you know that the yelling gets people's attention now if you if you overplay your card then this that's like whatever yeah yeah yeah but you got if i did that every five and a half years twice in 11 years i got that yeah i got if you only raise your voice twice in 11 years i said yell i'll get my voice up a little bit i'm like let's go i'm gonna i'll get one of those but i don't i'm talking about i came in hot you know right in the door hot i was coming in like everybody sit down

you know how many times did you practice the speech on the way from here there was no practice i wanted a free flow i just needed to let the dragon out you know you were talking about it in the car to yourself though this motherfucker i was definitely saying some shit in the car after i hung up that phone oh i bet you i'll say this the best part of that argument happened from the time i hung up that phone with their mom to the second i walked in that you felt good that was a great therapy session that whole ride home oh i'll tell you my ego exists and mostly it's in the car that's where i allow my ego and i'm like sit here we're going into a meeting don't fucking come into this meeting ego sit here in the car listen to music i will tell you my car

in the car is where i get all the conversations out that i want to have i get them all out man and i just i anything i want because sometimes man what i want to say to somebody is what i know is not the best thing to say to them especially especially in this town and this business. So sometimes I will get in the car and I will have the whole conversation I want to have because I want to just say it out loud. I'll get back to my house. You know what that almost has taken the place of the list. Good. Yes.

Of course. I remember your list of people. Yeah. So, but to get it out, I just drive around and I say exactly what I want to say, how I want to say it. I get the responses that I want to get because there are none. Yeah. Yeah. But it really is.

And then they call and you're like, hey, we're going to push the call to God. I was ready to go. Oh, but you know, one thing I never do is I never practice the conversation in the mirror. I know some people do. I don't want to see. Yeah, don't do that. I want to see because sometimes I get just, look. I want you to look at me.

Yeah. I don't want to see me. Sometimes I'm like, is this because I get lost in, is that what I look like? How can anyone take me seriously? I raise my eyebrows like that when I yell. My nose flares that wide. Can they see my nose hair like I can? I did pull a gray

nose hair. Yeah. I mean, you're 50, bro. You should have gray nose hair. What's the first one? Wow. I didn't like it. It's impressive. Really? Do you get them? Why you gotta say 50 like that? Because it's impressive. Oh, yeah, I know.

Hell, yeah, I get nose hairs. I take a nose trimmer, though. I don't know. I don't inspect the color of the hair when it comes out of my nose, but usually it's dark. Usually it's dark. I know. That's you.

I know. You do. Dude, I like that weird. I do like they can yank them out and shit. Oh, you know what the ones I like the most is when you pull on it and you can feel it in your eyeball. Like you pull on it and you can feel it in your eyeball. Like you pull on it and your eyeball goes to the side of your head.

I love it when you pull your nose hair and it's like a window shade for your eyelid. And it's like, see, okay, it's attached. I will say this going back to your question of parenting. Like I will not, I'm always goofy around my daughter. I always play with her. We've been swimming a shitload right now your question of parenting like i will not i'm always goofy around my daughter yeah i always play with her like uh we've been swimming a shitload right now and i'm telling you i've swam

more already but in the spring than i ever have in the fucking summer that's not true but we're swimming a lot and i'm i gotta be in there you know and sometimes i'm like i just want to sit out here today and relax like my shoulders killing me like dad you gotta get in and be the dolphin and then sooner or later i get in and i'm the fucking dolphin time spent that's it and i that's what i say too like she's gonna be 10 and 20 in two seconds and you're right it was really interesting to hear your dad say you don't get to know your you're you know them less and less they become these parents and you know employees or business owners or whatever they become and you're just waiting on their calls or you're reaching out to them and they're thinking

about this yeah they come home and they tell you my boss is an asshole well we've been in the workplace we know there's two sides of the story so we like my both of them but i'm sure the boss would be like your kid shows up 15 minutes late, is on his phone all the time. You know what I mean? He has a smart fucking mouth. Is he on his phone when he's in meetings? You are only hearing that one part, which sounds super honest, which I suppose is.

But the other good thing is that Jacob worked on the Spade show. So I would get reports back, which was always super cool. Like, I'd be like, hey, just send me a text every now and then and let me know what's going on with it. Now, I don't get to see that with my two oldest kids, which is because my oldest son is in Texas, and my daughter's just 26, and we don't have eyeballs on her all the time.

It is nice to hear that though i used to be uh i used to love hearing like other parents would say about my stepson when he'd come home they were like hey he was very well mannered and and really respectful and it's like good you're doing the right thing out there that's nice to hear yeah but it is nice to hear that as a parent i always tried to tell people about their kids if something good happened because i knew how how good it felt but i've recently transferred that over into my real life you'll get texts from me sometimes yeah and i'll be like i just want to you know that i appreciate you and because i think it's important man that we don't do that enough with people in our lives that we care about to be like hey man just so you know thinking about you today i think you're a fucking great guy

and i'm glad that we're friends look the money thing is scary for everybody yeah it is that not just individuals but overall economy all of it and um you're right though when do we get to spend time where you have to be home and i'm eating it up like i said she'll be not wanting to hang out with me in a handful of years it's gonna happen we already see it you know so to have not be able to go on the road yeah sure not the financial part is scary but i'm i'm home with my daughter and hanging out with my kids and having a good time. Invaluable. And what are you going to get?

Well, hopefully we don't have to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For real. Just so you know, it may be tough for you. They'll never forget this. One of the things that came out of the conversation with Jacob, and I was like, what do you remember about your childhood, man? And he was like, we had fun.

We always were having fun. We always, you all, I was always about, let's just make a memory. Because I, you don't remember every day of your childhood. There are certain things that stick out. So I was always like, let's do those things that are going to stick out. Right. We obviously do the day-to-day. But we did, and you know you do

don't tell me you don't have any money i well i didn't have any money man when i was raising those kids i've told you this before yeah we did the our roller coaster was i put them in the trunk of my car and i drove around an empty parking lot yeah right so but if you ask them they're like that was so right fucking fun. Look, I remember one time going with my dad. We went to Ocean City, Maryland. We decide we're going to go out. We're going to throw some crab traps.

Did you grow up in money? No. Hell no. Are you? Hell no. Yeah. I'm selling night paints, bro. I'm not selling Bentleys and shit.

I'm not selling Rolexes. I'm selling loungewear yeah my bad are you from the east coast sicklers yeah yes we are um but we went to ocean city maryland and again that's that was a vacation for a lot of us like you pack the family up you go to the beach for a week and yeah and it was a two-hour ride right in your same state you know um it's not it's very different than california which is much more of a day trip to the beach place and you know how it is it's condos lying down the fucking whole coast yeah everybody's down there to hang out and i don't remember i don't remember anything about the trip i don't remember this that

and the other but i remember we went to crab we skunked my dad's like we're just gonna buy some on the way home we get a like a couple dozen live ones and they're wet in a uh paper bag the guy gives them to us and uh we're in an elevator and my dad's like it's breaking and i go i i'm i'm holding it i know i i go it's breaking my dad's like it's not breaking i'm like, it's breaking. And I go, I'm holding it. I go, it's breaking. My dad's like, it's not breaking. I'm like, dad, it's breaking. He's like, how old are you? I'm probably like 10 or 11.

And there's five or six other people in this elevator. I'm like, no, it's breaking. He's like, Ryan, stop saying it. You're scared. I'm like, it's breaking. And then I don't want to get bit. I let that motherfucker go. Crabs everywhere in the elevator.

Come on. Oh, dude, our. Crabs everywhere in the elevator. Come on. Oh, dude, our floor hits. We open. They get out yelling. We're all trying to grab them and get them back and shit. That's what I remember about that whole fucking trip. Memory. That's what I remember about that whole trip.

The fucked up thing that happened that was fun and funny. You know what's funny? I've always said, like, you don't remember how many times that your mom or somebody cut the crust off your peanut i do none none yeah you remember i remember but like most people don't but you know i remember the time my brother fell off the roof right you know right yes yeah because that was but but so i my thing with with when i was raising him was let's make some of those man like let's i look i also think that

for every good thing you do as a parent there's a negative side sure yeah if you like my youngest son man he can go the flow easy going what do you want to do today yeah i can do that you want to do that yeah i can do that he can talk to anybody give him some structure make him sit down and do this this this every day he it's not he just is not equipped it's not how he was raised so some people are like yeah it's great that he can go with anything i'm like yeah but have him sit at a desk for five hours it's just not something and the same thing is true the opposite those people who are very well structured and can do everything and plan the day out tell them dinner's at 6 45

and not six yeah they're gonna lose their fucking mind so that's what i mean all when i started to realize all that like people are just doing what they think is the best they can fucking do it that's why i hate those parenting books because to me the parenting books are designed to make you feel like a bad parent like well my kid didn't walk at two years old well he's fucking terrible kid yeah your kid is a dumb motherfucker yeah he's slow yeah he's really slow walker i would get him into because you see people like in the it's real competitive yeah who's reading first in here and you know the parent of whatever kid is reading first let's everybody know my son reads yeah he reads he reads yeah he reads yeah his name's also amethyst so you fucked him up that's my birthstone

like you fucked him up in more ways than one but but yeah man i that's why like i the books and like when people call and ask me for advice because for whatever reason they think i know what i'm doing just because my kids are all alive. That's the goal. It is. Alive and healthy. But the truth of the matter is you can't parent every one of your kids the same. And who you are changes.

So how you're going to parent is going to change. When you're a younger parent, there are things you don't care about that you do care about when you're an older parent. My brother was a dad at 50 for the first time he's a lot more wow he's a lot more nervous than i was as a parent about her getting her hurt or what can and can't do and as a younger parent i was like let's just go fucking whatever you know put you in the trunk of a car and drive you and drive you around for a little while right so like all there's so many variables i bet you there are some people who had kids young who were terrible parents maybe are not involved with those kids lives

got remarried later and are better parents because they're older and more mature to the new to the new yeah i agree do you know what I mean like the fuck it's it's such a crazy thing like you said you're given an alive thing and being like hey take care of this now but I don't know that first time you get your baby out of the

bath and you're like are they all this slippery right I mean you don't know anything you know nothing why is he peeing in my mouth right now you know nothing the the the the the dude and yulan the the thing the day that i realized what the fuck is going on was getting jacob out of the back seat and he was in his car seat and i looked at him and i was like you got poop on your neck, buddy? Because when there's the shit shoots up the back.

And I'm like, yeah, it's shit on his neck. Diarrhea up his fucking neck. And he was like, hey. And I was like, and I looked at him, you got shit on your neck, buddy? And I was like, do I not know where his asshole is? Like, does he have a second, did he grow a second asshole? Like, and I was like,

mom, what's the deal? She goes, no boys, especially sometimes it shoots up the back. I'm like, Oh, the back,

that green, like what? Oh, green. Yeah. It's so funny. As soon as you said the color, I just smelled it instantly.

I was like, but I secretly have always wanted to shit that color green i secretly have always wanted to shit up my back maybe not so secretly i would love the power one like no way we worked on a t dude we worked on a tv show once okay you also have to tell me about taking your daughter to get her first kiss. Okay. Across the country. Okay. Um, so we,

she, I was snooping and, um, I found some messages. I didn't love online to this dude. A lot of talk about where people live and shit. And so as soon as I see we're exchanging where we live, I'm nervous because you know who else lives in that house?

Me. Everybody. Yeah. Right. So I need to know who, what the fuck. So we confront her and I'm like, who,

what's going on? And she's like, I love him. And he's like, how old is she she's probably 14 and i want i you know i love this guy and and uh he's my soulmate and right then i'm like no he's not basically we got into this shit about like how when she's like how do you know he's not i'm, because it's online and this is

early online. I'm like, you don't know. Nobody's there themselves online. She goes, he's himself. I go, are you, when he responds to you, do you just write free flow or do you think about what you want to say? Do you think about what you want to say? And she's like, yeah, I go. And this website you're on is for cosplay and anime. What's your avatar? A picture of you? Or is it like a sexy anime character? So are we being ourselves? How do I know this dude isn't some guy I went to high school with? You know what I mean?

Yeah. What the fuck? But she was adamant. And I said, okay. And he lived in Missouri. And I was getting ready to go do a show in Missouri. With Larry the Cable Guy. And so I was like, you know what, Beth, my wife?

I said, I'm going to take her. We're going to meet this guy, and I'm going to prove to her that he's not real. Oh, my God. So that's how, right? Because you know what dads like as much as their kids having fun and enjoying themselves? Being right. I was just about to say being right. Oh, man.

How badly? Do you know how badly I was looking forward to being right? You know how I knew I was going to be right? I go, let me see a picture of this guy. Because all I saw was the avatar. I go, do you even know what he looks like? And she goes, yeah, he sent me a picture. So she printed it out. Do you know the picture he sent?

He sent her. This is Lawrence Taylor. Dude. He sent her a Photoshopped picture, you know, like kind of art deco'd out of 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. That's what he sent it out. And she doesn't fucking know 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. That's what he said to that. And she doesn't fucking know 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. It's not even relevant.

Right? So he probably is your age. So she said to me, and he's so cute. I'm like, oh, he is cute. I'm like, he's one of the best looking people who's ever walked planet Earth. And I'm like, I told Beth, I'm like, I feel very confident.

Let's take her. On the way there, she tells me. And she's, by the way, the plane trip, she buys him these chocolates. I'm so excited to give him these chocolates. And about an hour in, she's like, I'm just going to have one. She's chocolate. And she was like, he wouldn't mind if i had two right because it's two and there's two of us and she had another one she was like you know i'm just gonna split it with him i'm gonna have half and by the time we landed she was like we need to get out of here i feel like shit but on the plane when she's eating her

chocolates and super excited and so chatty she tells me one of the reasons that she's also excited to go. She's never been kissed before and she wants him to be her first kiss. And now there's a lot of conflict for me, dude, because I still want to be right. But this is such a unique experience for me to be able to be part of. The fact that she asked me. I'm with her. And she's telling me this is such a crazy thing for a daughter to say to her father. So I'm like, oh, I want to be right.

But I want this to be good for her. You know what I mean? But I know we're not going to run into Johnny Depp. So I'm instantly thinking, if she gets past the initial disappointment for whatever fucking dude. Now what does the Peter Della want? We might run into him.

We ain't seeing Johnny Depp. Not in Poplar Bluff, Missouri. We're not, right? So she's holding up a picture of Johnnyny depp looking for him and i feel like telling her he's not he's not going to be here let's let's lower the paper and look for the what seems like is going to fit because i know i've never heard this i'm coming with her i know he's coming with his dad this story's in my book so if you um and it's a little more extended in there but so i i'm looking for who i think fits dad son looking around also we're out in front of the arena where i'm playing

with larry the cable guy so we told them to come to the show because the dad is a huge larry the cable guy fan so shocker so yeah so i see two father son walking up and this kid is not johnny depp he is the pale you know when you see someone who's so pale like the like he like he stepped in a pale a pale you know what i what I mean? You know what I mean? Like, like, have you been in under the ocean? Like that kind of like the color of my legs. You've seen my legs. Yeah.

So he's walking up with this dude. I'm like, Hey Kate. And he knows Ronnie Depp. Yeah. It's close. It's close. Yeah. So he walks up and he see he knows what kate looks like and he goes because he knows the picture he sent man she sent a real one yeah because she she because she doesn't look like an underwater creature you know

so she he goes kate and i could see her go her face just was like but I'm there first kiss she doesn't want to admit to me that she's right she's just like hey and they real awkward and I shake this dude's hand real nice dude I'm going to give you one

distinguishing feature on him the dad or the kid? the dad this is not a judgment on the man. I'm just telling you what I'm looking at. It doesn't matter what he's dressed like. All I need to tell you is, you know your front eight teeth? Yeah, I'm familiar with my teeth.

Yeah, so you probably never thought of your front eight because you got them all. My man had one. Come on, dude. And it was an extra long front tooth that hung over his lip. It was a bottle of it. Dude, it looked like that tooth ate all the other teeth. You know what I mean? Like, there can only be one.

That's right. Everybody get out. One tooth. Yeah, just eat, right? and it was long dude like every all the calcium apparently when he ate it went to that one tooth and the other teeth were like catch it it's just all you just wither withered away it's not even a tooth yeah it's just the calcium deposit right so oh god uh so i'm looking at this dude i see you know the guy that shows up that's not that's ronnie ronnie depp so i got ronnie depp in this dude and ronnie says to me my dad is really excited to be here this is larry the cable guy is his hero and um there are almost 10 times the amount of people in that arena

that are in our hometown. So this is like a huge deal for us. So thank you so much. Same amount of teeth. Yeah. Same amount of teeth. So we go in the right up front. The one good thing I will tell you, man,

and I genuinely like the one thing about this on a side note, to see how happy this dude was, was so cool. It also gave me such a great perspective on like, I'm just here to do another show. This was the biggest day of his life. And he's getting treated like royalty. Yeah. Way better than a dentist treats him.

So, like, it was really, things like that always helped me with perspective. Like, I have a pretty cool gig. Fuck yeah, we do. Do you know what I mean? Well, I remember. Yeah yeah what it used to be i remember what it was like look at this picture bro come on man so we uh have the show and uh they're sitting up front we go backstage this was a little embarrassing when in backstage later the cable guy is dan whitney he's got a different accent. Does he? Oh, I didn't know. I thought he had that. I thought that was his accent.

He's got a different accent. The guy walks back and I got him in the green room. He's super excited to meet Larry the Cable Guy and he says, hey, I just got one question. I'm a big fan. I never thought I'd be able to meet you. Dan's the most gracious dude. He's like, I'm great. Thanks for coming

to the show. The guy goes, I just got one question. How come you use your real accent on stage and your fake one back here that's a great question and cable guy never took his eyes off of him and just goes i'm sorry who brought you yeah it was like my fourth gig with this dude i'm like hey man but we walk out and so i'm like hey everybody i'd like to treat for dinner let the kids talk a little bit whatever you want to eat this is dude he goes i go whatever you want to eat and he goes whatever i go whatever he goes i'd like to eat a steak and i was thinking i'd like to watch you eat a steak this is i think this is a good idea right so we get in the car and but but when he said steak he was like i saw there's a steak and shake i'm like yeah whatever that's cool we'll

get a steak and shake you want you want good steak yeah oh yeah top notch all right so when we get in the car i i gotta get all my jokes out now do you know what i mean i gotta get my daughters there i'm like so how do you think he eats the steak? Do you think his son chews it for him and then puts it on his plate? Or does he say, how do you want your steak cooked, blended? Blended. How do you think he doesn't floss? Does he floss with a thimble?

Does he just put it on? So she's like, stop it. I'm like, how's it going? And she said, well, we're not exactly soulmates and i said do you you still want to do this first kiss she's like i don't know i don't know yet i go okay well we still got time we get to the restaurant the longer they're sitting together the more they realize they're not soulmates and we pay for the food and and uh the is super nice. The kid is super nice. Just my daughter. It's Ronnie Depp.

It's not Johnny Depp. Yeah. And he's running out of things to say because he can't think about his responses for an hour or a day before he gets back to her. So nice enough kid, but not for her. We're walking out. And I say to her, Kate, do you want your first kiss? to her kate do you want your first kiss and she's like well i go hey what happens in popular love stays in popular love i said but if you want to get the nerves out of a first kiss until you have your actual first kiss so you can figure out a few things that you let's just do it

she was like you think so i go do you want him she was like i do i do i just want to get actually because i came all this way i've been thinking about so i catch them when they're walking outside i go hey how about we go back to the hotel and i was like me you and i can sit in the lobby and i told them i said there's a couple chairs by the elevators you guys can go sit there for like 15 minutes so they walk over the chairs me and the dude sit in the hotel lobby this is the opening line he goes you know my dad ran over me with a tractor when i was eight and i was like well i hope this lasts 15 minutes i'm really interested in this you know you know me well enough to know that line hooks me oh 100 i'm done fuck that they can take an hour however long it takes you would

tell me this story one tooth yeah and that's how you i wonder if the tractor cut that fucking mouth so my daughter they were there for like three minutes my daughter comes back she's like i'm ready to go now i'm like you're everything all right she goes yeah i'm just ready and um like okay you want to say goodbye to She goes, yeah, I'm just ready. And I go, okay. You want to say goodbye to everybody? She goes, bye. She kind of scurries out to the elevator. I go, okay.

I told the kid, nice to meet you, son. And I tell the dude, he goes, we should stay in touch. I'm like, you know what? Hang out with your dentist. I'm good. Let me know when you enter the corn on the cob championship and i'll get there man so uh i'll go watch him eat some corn until you probably put it in there god damn look at him it's a machine well do you want to know how he ate the steak yes of course he cut it into little pieces but he mushed it on the roof of his mouth with his tongue.

He went, eww. Like, and pushed it against that tooth? I guess the tongue must have gotten so strong. You know what I mean? It's a muscle. It just kind of, eww. And he would just, you'd see him go, and just kind of, and I was like, that is the fucking. So, we go back.

We get in the elevator elevator we go up to the room we get in the hotel room me and her and i'm in my bed and she's getting ready hasn't said a word about it and i'm pretending to watch tv and she sits and on her bed and starts to watch tv and i turn tv off i go wait a second all of that we make the plan. First kiss. You didn't tell me anything. She goes, all right, what?

I don't want to talk about it after this. I go, okay. She goes, we were sitting there and I had, I realized he had never been kissed before either. It was both our first guys. And I went to lean in and we leaned in too fast. And he,

he had had a giant pimple on his chin. I thought you were going to say he had one big bottom. No, no. He had one giant pimple on his chin and when they went too hard and her face popped his pimple. No! And it squirted on her face? It exploded.

Right? Oh, that is sick dude that is gross that is gross you know me man i'm trying not to laugh and i'm also trying not to slap myself on the back for being right but i'm also feel bad for my daughter you know what i mean but it was the craziest i learned by the way that trip you know what i learned she pointed a lot of things out to me about the way I parented her. Because she did a lot of cosplay and anime. And I lean on humor when I don't know things or understand things. Yeah, we make fun of it, yes.

And I said something to her about, and she goes, yeah, but you don't care about that. I go, what do you mean? I listen to everything you say. And she goes, yeah, but you call it, you never pronounce it right as a joke. And you're always making some sort of joke. But you never make a joke about Jacob when he talks about baseball.

I go, yeah, but I understand baseball. She goes, well, then why don't you just learn something about what I'm doing? Put this sexy panda costume on. Put these elven ears on. But she says, she goes, I know you think you're there, but you're not present. You're not there when I'm talking to you because you don't care about what it is that i'm doing i said i

care she goes yeah but not enough to find out what it is or listen and you make a joke because you don't know what i'm talking about and that doesn't make it weird that just means that you haven't taken the time to figure out what i do and i was like yep yep yep yep yep well she was a hundred percent right but it was a great trip on so many levels like i learned so much about her i did learn a lot about myself i was right it ended up being a great story she i mean for you to Yeah. Her version is not so great. Yeah, well, listen, you know what? I'm not so concerned with that. Yeah, I know.

Because at the end of the day, man, even though I wanted it to be, and she obviously had a great real first kiss and all this stuff, but at the end of the day, she deleted that account. And she's even said to this day, she was like, yeah, I don't believe anything i read on there from anybody which if it took one broken pimple hey job well done dad you gotta and listen you gotta break a couple pimples along the way you know what i mean on someone else's face oh god it's sick did you ever date anybody that liked to pop pimples on your body yeah i love

those girls oh i hate that oh no i i mean i would ask them like can you get that one on my back i can't get maybe you know they all play esthetician or whatever dermatologist and get all up on they go look you ever get one trying to you think i gotta get those blackheads out of your nose no not on my face no but on my on my back or something like that hell yeah you ever let a girl pee for you when you're standing up? Hold it? Yeah. I couldn't do it. I've let them and I've also asked them to help me out with this. Because I'm about to piss my

pants. I'm shit-faced. I can't get my dick out of my night pants. Or if you could just help me. If you could just help me lay it out on my side I'll pull my dick through my night hole pants right here. It's a night hole in my night pants. Do your night pants have a hole? Yeah.

I don't need to see it. Wait, do they? No, they don't. They're better. You can wear them without underwear, but you shouldn't around kids. No. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, especially other people's kids.

Well, dude, thank you so much for coming on. This has been fucking awesome. I can't believe you'd never heard that story, dude. Thank you so much for having me. I don't think I've ever heard that i mean we've done so many together i mean hell it sounded new to me i feel like i'd remember some asshole one motherfucker and a pimple popping on someone else's face yeah no man you know what i'll tell you something you are i and i listened to your podcast because you get,

I don't know what it is about you, but you get great things out of your guests. Thank you, man. You're easy to talk to. That's nice. You have the, I think it's from, obviously from doing it so long with Crab Feast, but you know the perfect time to jump in with jokes. I appreciate that. I'm flattered. I'm trying to say from with Crab Feast, but you know the perfect time to jump in my jokes. I appreciate that.

I'm flattered. I'm trying to say from you that means a lot. Yeah, dude, like you really... I'll try to keep that darkness a little bit lighter. Yeah, dude, but you pick the snipe spot, especially you're like, okay, the darkness has happened for just long enough. Let's shit on this guy, too.

Yeah, let's bring out the dentist. You know what I mean? Thank you, brother. Yeah, dude, it's really impressive. Well, I appreciate you. You know, like I said, you're a great father. And you're right. I mean, I'm 47.

I'll be different in three years. And parent different and think differently and everything. It all changes. And my daughter's not going to be five. She'll be eight. So then you got to, she's doing different shit. And technology, by the time your kid is a teenager. different and think differently and everything. It all changes. My daughter's not going to be five. She'll be eight. She's doing different shit. And technology by the time your kid is a teenager.

Yeah, God. I wonder what it's going to be like when they're fucking parents. I just want to sit back and laugh at them. Good luck with that shit. Your kids can fly. That's why my parents are like, we never had to deal with the internet. Enjoy that.

We'll do it one more time. Please promote everything you'd like. Control Chaos, Tuesdays, 7 o'clock Pacific time. It's a half an hour, just fun. I get some pretty big guests on there. I had Luke Bryan on the other day, the guys from NSYNC, you. Tiffany Haddish was on this week. And then I do a high live Monday night on my Facebook fan page at 7 o'clock.

It's just me getting really high, taking mushrooms and, reading children's books and doing weird shit. And then just check out my YouTube channel. If you haven't, there's some fun comedy on there. I love it, brother. I love you too.

You're the best. Thank you for coming. You're always welcome. Uh, and thank you all as well. Uh, Ryan Sickler on all social media, Ryan Sickler.com.

Go subscribe to the YouTube channel. Now I'll talk to y'all next week. Bye.