The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Justin Martindale

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

We're still on lockdown and I'm still Dewin it! My HoneyDew this week is Justin Martindale! Justin is a True Dew and he does not hold back! We talk about his Texas cheerleading days as a closeted mascot before he was outted, getting yelled at by his pastor's wife (which still affects him today) reconnecting with his father at 25 and his 2019 that included embarrassing himself at his HS reunion and taking his grandmother off of life support. Please make sure you're subscribed to my YouTube channel! I'll be adding episodes and more content there! Stay healthy y'all!

This episode is brought to you by Upstart and Burrow. More on that later. Let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media. RyanSickler.com. Sign up for the email list there. You'll get my dates. I'm coming to Phoenix. Phoenix,

I'm coming March 19th through the 21st, and then Vancouver, I'll be coming up there April 23rd through the 25th. Go to my website. There's other dates there for Minneapolis. There's other dates there for Edmonton. I'm going to be hitting some cities this year for sure. So thehoneydopodcast.com is the website here.

That's where you can follow along on social media, merchandise, all that good stuff. And again, every week, thank you so much. Thank you for the emails, the messages. Thank you for the emails, the messages. Thank you for the positive comments. Thank you for really examining what you're going through in your life and, and taking this to heart. And so many of you have said you're starting therapy. I can't even get it. I love it. I absolutely love it. So thank you. Um, here every week we highlight the low

lights. I always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers and i'm very excited to have this week's storyteller here first time on the honeydew ladies and gentlemen justin martindale yes a pleasure to be here thank you so much it's going to be a fun one i can't wait we have been trying for this we have been and i know schedules are always a pain in the ass but i appreciate appreciate your patience and persistence. And here you are, young man. Thank you for the peach tea. Of course. Of course.

Before we begin, would you please promote, plug everything and anything you like? Let's see. You can catch me at the Comedy Store on Fridays and Saturdays mainly. I'm on tour with Jim Jeffries right now on his Oblivious tour. So check out dates for that. Well, I appreciate you being here today i've been dying to talk to you about your honeydew life um so tell us originally where you're from and and sort of i know there's a childhood story i would like you to tell but can you just lead us up into

that a little bit uh my whereabouts how i grew up and all that stuff well um here let's put that mic in front of you a lot of people don't know this. So this is going to be like a breakthrough. I say I'm from Texas. I am from Texas. I lived in Texas from when I was about five to where I am now or, you know, until I moved to L.A. But I was originally born in Florida.

I love how you have such a... Don't look at me that way. Don't look at me. I know I'm hideous. Can we start this over? No. No, I was born in West Palm Beach, Florida. West Palm Beach.

Yeah. That's real. So that's where I can take it back and be like, but... Yeah. And everyone's like, oh, oh, yeah. Okay, okay. So you got your roots. Yeah, I was born in Mar-a-Lago.

No, I'm not fucking. And then my mom and dad kind of had an argument. And I guess my dad was an asshole. My mom kind of took me. Kidnapped. Some people call it kidnapped. And I lived with, yeah no amber alerts back then yeah wait so hold on so they have let's just start right off with an amber alert right you got

to get on this microphone so people am i hotter there you go okay at what you don't do what age does she tell you this happens you're a bit you're an infant you're a baby yeah infant yeah they just were out she just she like a fucking tam Wynette song, just packed me up. Granddaddy came and we got in the car. Like that. Didn't look back. We were driving so far. So we wound up in Tennessee.

And my mom raised me there as a kid until I was about four years old. And she met my stepdad. They got married at four. And then we moved to... Texas? Laredo, Texas. Laredo, Texas. Which is like a border town.

Yeah. So all of this white was... I really stood out. They put me in special ed for like the first week because everyone knew Spanish and I didn't. I think...

Does the 10... What goes through Laredo? What's the main freeway through Laredo? Fear? Or all of it. Highway fear. Highway fear.

I think I'm starting to see Laredo. Okay, so can I ask you, is your biological father during this time, is he trying to find you, track you guys, or anything? He said he did. I finally met him when i was about 25 all right we're gonna come back we'll go back to that so stepdad mom and justin are now in border town laredo texas you're about five six years old i have a sister named andrea how old is andrea she's just born okay um and then i have two brothers is andrea

from your stepdad yes all the three other kids kids are. I have Aaron and I have Paul. I love them. They're great. Then we moved to San Antonio when I was about, I think it was in third grade and I was in San Antonio all the way. I say I'm from San Antonio because I spent the most time there. What are your parents doing, your stepdad and your mom doing at this time for work? What do they doing or your stepdad and your mom doing at this time for work what do they do uh my stepdad is an engineer for federal express and my mom is popping out babies okay yeah and slowly going insane yeah all right so i got to be the oldest of four growing up and were you like a religious family like what was the we had phases like like i remember like

one time we were like really into church and then we got bored and then like are we like sleeping in you know and be like but then like we kept going through these like weird like phases of faith we're like this week we're like i went to private school when i was like a freshman in high school freshman high school to like i was about 10th grade was in private school uniforms everything really yeah that was intense see it's funny you say that about faith because we didn't have to go to church except I was raised Catholic we didn't have to go to church except on you know Easter Christmas that kind of shit but we had to go to Sunday school every Sunday see we didn't do Sunday so we didn't have to go to church we had to go to sunday i'm like you're all not in this motherfucking sunday school you're just dropping us off and leaving where's your faith goddamn yeah we went to like

vacation bible school and like all that stuff and like one day i remember like my mom standing up and going down to the front of the church and we all the kids were like fuck mom's going down the aisle like all of our buttholes in unison were like we sat up mom's going down the aisle. Like all of our buttholes in unison were like, we sat up straight that day in the pew. And my mom got up there and she was just like, Jesus, talk to me. And we were like, oh, oh, oh, she's screaming. Oh, she was so filled with his love that day. Oh, my god. I think that was the first time

I kind of realized I was gay because I wanted to just be like, bitch! Sit down queen. What is she doing those are big churches it was like a baptist church mortifying

oh the church oh the church so we talked before and I guess at eight years old you could you see your first one up here you got yelled at i want to hear this story oh um so we're in laredo and next door was like another white family and they had a daughter named elizabeth and elizabeth was i guess we went to school together i can't remember but they were like really into the church and baptists and all that so in texas they have a thing called land so it's like oh we're gonna go to our land okay

relax you know what i mean and like so they had a house on this land which means they just have like an acreage of land and it was like our land my family didn't have land so we were trash um but they invited me to go spend the weekend with them on their land elizabeth with love at justin came and so i remember getting there they had a house was a cabin this was the first time i realized i don't really know Elizabeth. So I didn't know like her habits. I don't know like her getting ready and all that. Like, sure. I'm a boy.

She's a girl. Is she the same age too? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And her parents, I don't know them. I never like we never like hung out at each other's house. She just fucking invited me one day.

So sorry. I got really angry. This is her fault. This story is her fault. So we end up getting there. I find out Elizabeth is allergic to everything. She's allergic to grass. She's allergic to the floor.

She has to sleep on a cot, like above ground so she doesn't die. I'm like, great, I'm a witness. So then one day we go down to this creek, of course. It all begins with a creek, doesn't it? And it's me, Elizabeth, and her mom. And so I start skipping rocks, right? And the mom's like, Justin, just be careful. You know, you don't want to hit somebody with a rock if you skip it too hard.

At that very moment, I'm looking back and I'm like uh-huh ricochet elizabeth no right in the fucking face without a beat the mom went from justin to a fucking she-wolf i swear to god this is what i saw. She goes, you stupid fucking kid. And I went, oh! Immediately ran off into the unknown. Don't know. I'm just, oh, oh, oh, oh. Just like, it might have been a corn maze.

I don't know. A corn maze. And so the husband, the pastor, runs right past me. I mean, it was aggressively like that. I didn't make that shit up it was long nails you remember what she said you stupid fucking kid yes that's not just what was in your head no no that's what jesus wanted her to think but then the devil made her do it you know that actually came out of her mouth oh i he's just yeah and i was like my soul was like no

like like it was like someone like showed me a medusa head i was like yeah i would have rather that happened and so we get in the car right and no one's talking we're all just sitting there like okay hold on we guys have questions about Elizabeth over here. Is she bleeding? Bleeding. Oh, I'm a competitive rock thrower. She go down, but take a knee.

I think she took a knee. Yeah. There was definitely like a, there was definitely like a, like a, like a, oh God. And pastor runs by. Oh God. Shrieking. I'm sure. And you've run off into the woods.

I didn't know where I was going. So when do you finally stop and realize, fuck, I have to go back. I think the dad chased me out and was just like, Justin. I was like, huh? And he's like, it's okay to worry. Like, cause I think he was like, I'm sure he fucking slapped his wife. He was like, did you cuss at him? I got a reputation.

The pastor. Yeah. The pastor. Yeah. Just a good, a good old fashioned pastor slap. You know? Jesus is between me and you. Honey, it's for the Lord.

Oh, he's right. I felt the love when you hit me. Karen, what happened? I was reading a book in the shower and I fell. Yeah. Spousal abuse is never funny. Never. And then, so we're sitting in the car and we're just in silence.

It was the most, I remember it being like, like you could feel it. She hasn't apologized. I don't know if she's alive or dead. No, I mean the mom, Medusa. Oh, just wait. Who are you sitting behind, by the way? I think I'm with Elizabeth who's staring out of a window.

Bleeding. Yeah, just with a sore. Bleeding. Just blood running down her head i don't yeah napkins back then back then yeah yeah back then it was so long napkins um and then i remember i was pulling into the driveway my mom is standing outside she's like hey Justin, did you have a good time? The mom gets out. He had a wonderful time. We had such a wonderful time. We'll definitely have to do it again. Thank

you so much for letting him come. All right. You guys have a good night. We'll talk to you later. She didn't mention a damn thing. And I was like, just roll with this. Just roll with this just roll with this and I remember telling my mom this story like maybe a couple years ago and she was like what and I was like yeah she's like why didn't you tell me I'm like because I will never that look that werewolf glare

sticks with you yeah you see that it was jarring and I was like I just remember being like oh wow and i don't remember the last time i saw them you said you stupid fucking kid you stupid fucking kid well you know what you stupid bitch you've haunted my dreams you cunt god you christian cunt i'm so sorry. I'm going to get dragged now.

Cancel culture. Justin hates Christians. Oh, God. That is horrible. Oh, it's awful. Brutal. Okay. Man.

It is funny. It is so funny how things like that will it'll fuck that'll be with you until you leave the planet trauma that will be trauma that's what all this is dude that's what all this is trauma it's just what everybody's problem that's why that's like i'm like i'm never having kids i don't because i know it's what gay it's what absolutely started anxiety and everything oh um so growing up in Texas what is that like for you you you said what age do you this is like a this your life kind of thing yeah what age do you realize you're gay what age I always knew when I was young I think I wanted to say I knew when I was around five yeah because well and i also i just

didn't know what it was because it wasn't talked about it was it was texas it was you know very strict christian southern values all that kind of stuff and it was never really talked about but i remember like i would have like crushes on like my guy friends or like it wasn't anything um it wasn't anything crazy for me until i was about like when I started hitting puberty. That's when it was just like, oh, I mean, what a mess for anybody. Yeah, I'm thinking of some dirty thoughts in my mind and there's no one to talk to. So you start saying, I mean, I remember going to bed as a kid, like laying down. And and just like kind of looking up at the ceiling and just being like you know god don't

make me gay don't make me gay don't make me gay don't make me gay don't make me gay don't make me gay like crazy and you know i i learned how to kind of suppress that you know and um and i was going to like private school when i was in you know my my high school that's high school ninth grade you know i'm trying to fit in sure you know i'm that stupid freshman you know my my high school that's high school ninth grade you know I'm trying to fit in sure you know I'm that stupid freshman you know and I'm already getting teased and you know why well just because I can rock a uniform and make it stand out what kind of what kind of uniform was just like a burgundy sweater gray pants I'd like I had like fun cool like 90s bitchy hair you know and I was like cool I was in theater 90s bitchy hair, you know? And I was like, cool.

I was in theater. You know, shocking. That was my sport, man. I was a competitive theater arts person. Yeah, very competitive. In what way? What were you taking? Acting?

I was taking trophies. I was taking plaques. I was breaking hearts and taking final curtain calls. What were you involved in theater and um closeted homosexuality so were you sleeping with no not in high school no okay here's a question i want to ask you did anyone ever come out to you and you not own up to it at that time maybe you weren't ready yet did you ever have a friend come out to you to talk to you and you were like, I'm not going to give this out yet? Give it up? Ooh.

No. No. I think everyone was just kind of running with it. So it was just kind of like, all right. You're being teased because you were excelling in what kids in high school deemed to be gay. Yeah. But I was also popular.

Like, I got along with everybody. Right. Guys and girls. Yeah. And do you play sports at all? Oh, God, no. No? No sports?

Mm-mm. Why? Does it look like I could play sports? You could play something. Like what? You could wrestle. You could be a good wrestler. God.

You have long legs, man. You're tall. You sound like my grandpa. You could ride legs. You could wrestle. You could. Why don long legs, man. You sound like my grandpa. You could ride legs. You could wrestle. You could. Why don't you just get in that rainbow? Ride legs and put them in a half-dose.

And you just went on back points alone. And when you want to give up, don't tap out. You just check that oil. Tennis? Golf? No. Golf? No.

No. I would walk the track with the girls in the high school and get all the hot gossip. So your athletic was walking in a circle and drama oh wait and I was the high school mascot I should say that I'm trying to lead you to it

it's right there that is athletic as fuck you know what you're absolutely right it's the mascot of the athletic team i was in athletics the lead of athletics the lead of athletics i was the school spirit and i'm like nope never touch the stuff i'll sell it i was wearing like i don't fuck with it yeah i was wearing this fucking mascot suit doing cartwheels and running around.

What were you? What was the mascot? I was the cougar. You were a cougar? How art imitates life. But it was fun because I actually just watched that documentary Cheer on Netflix. Have you seen it? I haven't yet.

It's about the Navarro cheerleaders. I will watch it. Life changing. I will watch it. Watch it with your daughter. I promise. Oh my God. It is so much fun.

What got you into that? What made you think? I had to pick an elective. And then I remember someone being like, oh, there's mascot tryouts. And I was like, oh, cool. I can get a PE credit for that. Went and got it. That was a gym credit, too?

Yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. Okay. And then we actually went to one of those cheer camps that summer. I went to a cheer camp, the NCAA Championships in Dallas. I don't know if we placed i don't think so but this bitch won the best mascot in the state of texas did you really that's a big ass fucking state i got a baton life changing best cougar in the state of texas or best mascot no best mask on the state of texas and then was two of us. We had two Cougars.

We had two mascots. Was your high school one of these massive 5A that I always see? You would never even know everybody in that fucking school at all. Would you? Well, you would. You're Mr. Popularity. I mean, you're the Cougar. What's your high

school? The what Cougars? The Clark Cougars. Clark! The Top're the Cougar. What's your high school? The what Cougars? The Clark Cougars. Clark! The topsy Clark Cougars! So two of you both won. So wait, you're a co-champ? I'm a what? A co-champion if there's two Cougars? You both won? Yeah, she got... Was a female.

Yeah, because we went to a 5A school. You want to know our names? Yeah. We had names. neiman and marcus for life it's still that fuck yeah it better be i'll make a call i'll make a call i didn't name him no that was like i don't know i remember being that and being like, what? That was tradition. That's so funny because I actually put up my Instagram for today. It was a throwback Thursday. It's me and Marjorie. We actually got both. She's the cougar?

She was neeming with me and we would get fucked up every now and then under those cougar suits and run around. We did pep rallies and all that shit. For every sport? Are you like soccer, football, everything? I think we did some stuff. Your all that shit we did um what for every sport are you like soccer football everything or just just football i think we did some your football is massive though right like varsity blues like that goes my hero yeah did you ever get in any kind of like dance battles

or anything with the other mascots that would roll yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh god Yeah. Oh, God. I thought there was a moment of like, fuck. I'm sure. Like, bring it, bitch. Yeah. You're the cougar over there. Two guys in furry. Is that Neiman and Marcus? I'm not sure which one's challenging us, but I'm ready, by the way.

Just two guys in a furry costume walking over to you and shit. And people are like, who's going to call it? It's like falling follow me on Twitter. Can you fags get off the field? We got a game to play. I have a girlfriend. Half time's been over 20 minutes, guys. Come on.

Oh, that was so fun. Oh, my God. Oh, is this are we having fun i i'm okay good okay there's another thing up here next to next to closeted mascot that you wrote up there oh i mean i don't know i gotta be called. I know you're hiding in that costume, but everything about you is not screaming heterosexual. You know what I'm saying? Oh, for sure. Taking home trophies and drama. Killing it. I love it.

Crushing it. I loved it. I was like a romantic. All the girls were like, God, he gets me. He's so dreamy. Was there one person who just knew and you knew they knew no one you could confide in

no girl you could talk to about it or anything nobody what a prison but I dealt with it with my humor I never got into fights if anybody tried to fight me I would use jokes or comedy to Humor. I never got into fights. If anybody tried to fight me, I would use jokes

or comedy to... If I was getting picked on in a classroom, I'd be the teacher's favorite. I'd be like, got this. And the teacher, anything happened, I'd be like... And they'd be like, you know, expelled and shit. I had... Susan, you know what to do.

Your career here is done. I'll give you apples for a week. Take care of this one. Oh my god. So, this one here next to Closeted Mask got up there. I want to hear about this because I had a story

too about... Homecoming game? Yeah. So you won? It was a vote yeah so you must have been crazy popular then i transferred i transferred from that private school to the public school so i transferred from a private school where everything was like jesus to like you know the high school from clueless you know where everything's like geez yeah you're like whoa

there's i mean no not clueless clueless was pretty wealthy it was like it was like mean girls it was the clicks and the like i identified with all of that what age you're getting in 14 15 you're going into this high school 14 i was at 14 to 14 to 16 i was in private school it's a junior senior you're a public school like second semester sophomore to senior seconds oh i was a second semester transfer late to senior. Ew, second semester. Ew, I was a second semester transfer. Late year, late transfer. My parents were dicks. But you, but do you remember how many students?

What's an average there now? Oh, I mean, I think. I mean, those schools are massive. I think when I was there, it was 675. And that was a lot. And now it's like so developed. San Antonio, it's just like i'm sure it's in the thousands yeah and you win homecoming king yeah and how was that was i mean i went in

my second semester sophomore year and by my senior year i mean i remember doing i did a play and i won't give you the year i did a play i played dracula in my high school play which today I did a play. I played Dracula in my high school play, which today people still talk about. Yeah, I swear to God. Sometimes I go home and they're like, you're Dracula. And I'm like, what? You see me on lights out? No, man, but you're motherfucking Dracula.

When you were 17, I'll tell you. I have never been more afraid in my life. Like just yeah, I mean, but I rocked that shit out. It was badass. It was awesome. I have never been more afraid in my life. Like, just... Yeah. I mean, but I rocked that shit out. It was badass. It was awesome. And then, yeah, I just kind of became this funny guy. And, like, my throwback Thursday,

the girl who was the mascot with me today on Instagram, like, we won most humorous. And, like, you know, she was, like, she was my chick. If I was ever to confide in anybody, it would have been her. That's what I was wondering. But I feel like she always knew. She always knew. But we never talked about it.

So, yeah. So they nominated all these guys. I think it was like 20 guys for the title. And you didn't have to campaign or anything, right? This was just a popularity contest. We did have Homecoming Week. And I remember me and the girl who were campaigning together were like we're a package deal like we're the theater kids we got

to represent we went all out during like the themes it was like nerd day and i like dress up and like drop all my books and be like god i love how i said dressed up i just showed up and then you know like we did it all. It was fun. It was a big Texas game and yeah, I made it to the court. So that's like the top five. And then I won the title of America's

Next Top Model. Homecoming King. You don't want to say the year? No. It's yes. All right. I mean, it's 1997. But yeah, it was like the perfect Texas high school experience. It was awesome. Like all the cliques were great friends. We all did the talent show together.

We all, you know, it was fun. We all went to each other's houses. I would like call up my friends and like pretend I was their mom. Or I would tell them that I was my mom. And I'd be like, hi, Kathy kathy's debbie just want to call yeah we're having a little sleepover just me a little party tonight but they were like fine okay thank you so much for calling i was like we're in like yeah so i learned how to like do impressions of people and shit and now you just track somebody's location like save that

motherfucking impression i know yeah landline trash um yeah Yeah, and so then I got announced as the homecoming king, and I didn't... It was crazy. Because you always think of that shit as like, oh, it's the epitome of high school. And I just remember going in as a no one, and then two years being something. I'm still great friends with my buddy who...

It was senior prom, and I was pretty popular for good reasons and for other shit. But I there was a king and queen, you know, of the prom and they ended up giving it to this couple who had been together. Like, you know, that couple that was had been together since. And they're like, we have to give it to them. Yeah. Yeah. I had to give it to them. They're so sweet. And they did. They gave it to them. But they and I give it to them. They're so sweet. And they did.

They gave it to them. But they, and I don't know if there's another one out there, but I ended up winning the Prince of the Prom. Wow. Which, by the way, I've never fucking heard of a prince and princess. Yeah, that's like a. That's a fucking consolation bullshit. Where was this?

This was my high school senior year in Maryland. Maryland. Oh, yeah. Prince of the Prom. That's more. So my buddy, and we get back to school on Monday and the guy that won King, he's in our gym class and, you know, we're it's post gym class. Everyone's in their, you know, underwear changing to go back to class.

Careful. And they start chirping at each other over this. And my friend's like you know that shit's bullshit you know ryan won that and he's like i don't think ryan won anything they gave it to me they were pissed they were in their tighty whities and they start going he fit my buddy went to fist fight this guy because he felt like they did me wrong and i'm just watching he deserved to be the prince i was like you let it go ahead fight him in your underwear right now so I can tell him I should have been the king. That's not some king shit right there.

I mean, I won. That's like some breakfast club shit. It was so funny. Like 80s. Like, what, you think you're going to win prince? Meet me outside by the willow trees. You ever hear of any prince of the prom? No.

Any princes of the prom out there, hit me up. Hit him up. We need to know your story. I want to know if there's any other of us out there. What if you were the only surviving prom prince? I'm going to lean into it, bro.

Or what if there's one coming to Highlander your shit? There's always a younger, faster, better prince. I have to do this. Seek your heads up. He just absorbs your powers i'm just covered in your blood like no that is too funny okay high school where do you what do you do after high school do you go to

college yeah i went to where do you go i went to baylor university baylor all right which is very christian and southern and you know and did you graduate from baylor four years would you major in eventually come on bro theater yeah yeah all right you know what okay all right you didn't go to like fucking mass comm like i did i went to mascot university yep oh no I didn't say that's a mascot no I'm saying what if you're like what'd you major in I'm like mascot I was a mascot I don't know why I should have gone there first did you not listen to me so what is what is the transition from high school to college like um as far as you know everything are you living how far is that from where you live in texas did you commute or did you live on campus i lived on campus it was about three hours away

three hours okay and then um we was fine i i had an apartment uh my freshman year which was weird because you're supposed to be in a dorm but they overflowed our class overflowed that year so i was put in an on-site apartment complex which was a terrible idea horrible you have roommates oh yeah i had three roommates we had a we had like a two-bedroom apartment like two beds and two beds in each and uh god we just raged jesus and are you i remember like i had a i had a party at my house like what am i doing and like the seniors came over and i was just this drunk freshman they're like oh welcome to the department i'm like like on the carpet and they're like okay the next day like the dean was like if you want to get drunk and vomit on your own floor and like looked right at me i was like like terrified oh yeah i was an idiot i was

an idiot i look i just wanted to fit in that was it and you start dating because you didn't date in high school i dated yeah i dated a in high school in college high school yeah you did i did i dated that homecoming queen for a bit i dated the captain of the dance team for a bit yeah and how old were you when you lost your virginity for a bit. I dated the captain of the dance team for a bit. Yeah. And how old were you when you lost your virginity? Which one? I want to hear both of them. No.

Listen, that is the promo for this show. I don't care what he says. Oh, my God. How old were you when you lost your regular virginity? I was 19. Yeah. Late. You're out of high school. Late.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I mean, I had messed around with girls but like that was 19 19 i don't know why i did that but okay and is that that's what the girl you were dating for a little while it's terrifying it was the worst no well i love that gif by the way um it was the worst experience it was awful it wasn't her fault I should call her by the way I really how many years later yeah like technically we're still dating because I never broke up with

her because I came out that summer and didn't and like everyone knew and I was like well just let we're gonna walk away from this way yeah but then it was like like it became it was just bloody and it was and it was painful and I didn't know what it was her first time it was like, it became, it was just bloody, and it was painful, and I didn't know what I was. So it was her first time, too. It was her first time as well. And I met, like, you know, I was in the theater department, and I said, there was this kid there who was in the program with me, and he was bi, and I was like, hmm. And I just remember, like, kind of developing this crush on this guy while I'm dating this girl and didn't know what the fuck it was. Like it was like that's when I was like, oh, shit, here we go.

And I remember he like stayed with me one summer and I was like, hey, I kind of have these feelings. Would you be down with this? You know, and then we did. And I was like, this makes sense. This makes sense. And's so wait you were 19 when you lost both virginities same age look at you go doubling up on that's a big year get it out of the way i've got time for that shit man just let's bam bam what's the next one this bitch is hustling i gotta get to get to L.A. and be a comic, bro.

Okay, all right. So I remember we were, like, messing around. This is when it gets weird. We were messing around one night, and my roommate walks in. And I'm like, what? And he saw me, saw him. I'm like, close the door. And that's when it kind of started.

He went and told some people. Oh, he outed you. And so it kind of went around. And it spread like wildfire. I remember it was, you know, I was playing Oberon in Midsummer Night's Dream that summer at the Waco Community Theater. It's so funny. That is one of the names I remember from... I took Shakespeare in high school.

You don't remember Bottom? Oberon is... I didn't, no. Jesus. So you're in this play. And my girlfriend's doing my makeup. And I'm just like, don't you fuck this up, bitch. I know I'm a piece of shit, but make me look good.

And so, yeah, it went around. It got to the point where it got so far that there was an abroad trip that summer. And they were at Stonehenge. And some chick wrote, did you hear about Justin on her Stonehenge postcard? Sent it to... One of the seven wonders of the world. And that's what she's writing about. Did you hear?

I remember this. Did you hear? Let me mail this across the pond. Everybody back home. You should be here on the eclipse. Did you hear? I remember this. Did you hear? Let me mail this across the pond. Everybody back home. You should be here on the eclipse. Did you hear Justin was gay? The vernal equinox is approaching. I thought you were going to say she carved it in the Stonehenge.

I got to make a visit, right? That's kind of iconic right there. You need to get that photoshopped over there. I'm like, yes. And then I remember getting in the mail. I was like, what? This is from Stonehenge. right there you need to get that photoshopped over there i'm like yes and then um i remember getting in the mail i was like what this from stonehenge god even stonehenge knows about me so i went through a crazy like i was i was outed you know it was um oh i forgot a part there was the roommate and then there was the the other time where i went to a gay bar and i got roofied oh and um i started hallucinating

to where there was this old queen i won't give his name out but he knows who he is and um i remember going he would be like who knows justin maybe tonight will be the night you come out of the closet i was just like whatever bro bro yeah and then and then um he i got fucked up and they were taking me outside i remember like freaking out hallucinating and like at that time he went in and talked to the guy and was like are you and justin like fucking around he was like yeah he's like and that's how it all got out i see but But the roommate did walk in on me, but it didn't escalate until that next instance. Got it. And then when you say it spread through your group.

It spread through the department. The teachers knew. Did it get back to your family? No, thank God. But I did. I was in the closet until I was about 21 with my family. And then I went. I was in the closet until I was about 21 with my family. And then I went. I remember telling myself.

Yeah, what made you finally say, look, I'm comfortable enough to. People kept asking me. They're like, when are you going to tell your family? When are you going to tell your family? And I was just like, when I'm fucking ready. But did you feel extra pressured? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I was turning 21.

And I remember getting on a plane to Boston because I was doing an audition for a summer internship. And I remember telling myself, I'm going to tell my parents that I'm gay on my 21st birthday over margaritas. Okay. So I had it all planned out. So I remember having my birthday i came back my mom's like we're gonna go out for mexican food and i was like oh like i had to keep my word right and so i remember sitting at the restaurant my dad didn't go my mom it was my mom and my sister i think my dad had the boys or whatever and this waiter came over. So fucking hot. Like so hot.

You still remember it the way you remember the devil lady. Yeah, he looked like Sarah from The Little Mermaid. It was weird. I know exactly who that is. Okay, yeah. But I don't know why that was so quick. But I'll take it. And he came over and he was like, would you like something to drink? And I was like, meh, margarita with salt on the rocks. And he's like, cool. And like left. And my sister goes, I think he was like into you. And I was like, really?

And she was like, yeah. And then my mom's just like, are you gay? And I was like, yeah. And my sister's crying. She's like, I wanted to be an aunt. Now she has four kids of her own. So she's upset that you're gay yes and your mom's like i knew it and i'm like no shit mom yeah at two apparently i was like one day mama i shall play dracula and she was like

this is a heterosexual child yeah yeah and people will talk about it eternally. Eternally. God. God. I mean, that's so stupid. I am a dumb person. Let's take a quick break to tell you about our first sponsor, Upstart. You've heard me say it many times.

We all know finding out the hard way of getting in the dead is easy, and getting out is so hard, especially if your credit score is not great. Thankfully, now there's upstart.com, the revolutionary lending platform that knows you're more than just your credit score and offers smarter interest rates to help you pay off high interest credit card debt. When I was in college, all I did was charge, charge, charge. It took me years to pay off. You know, you're giving that money back to them.

Plus interest, you paid them twice. All right. I wish I had something like Upstart back when I was in my 20s in college. Upstart goes beyond the traditional credit score when assessing your credit worthiness. They actually reward you based on your education and your job history in the form of a smarter rate. They believe you're more than just your credit score. They believe in you. They make it fast, simple, and easy to check your rate. And since it's just a soft pull, it does not affect your credit score. The hard pull happens if you accept your rate. Then the best part is once the loan is approved and accepted, most people get their funds the very next business day, the next day. Over 400,000 people have used Upstart to pay off credit cards

or meet their financial goals. Free yourself from the burden of high interest credit card debt by consolidating everything into one monthly payment with Upstart. See why Upstart is top ranked in their category with a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to upstart.com slash honeydew to find out how low your Upstart rate is. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes, guys. That's upstart.com slash honeydew to find out how low your upstart rate is. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes, guys. That's upstart.com slash honeydew. Here was probably the sofa you've been hearing about.

It's the one with the built-in USB chargers. This is the Disruptor furniture brand. This is the couch you get when you're ready to start actually choosing your furniture, whether you're furnishing your first place or graduating from inherited futons and ambivalent Craigslist purchases. I wish I had this. When I became a single dad, I bought a couch, hated the couch, sold it to some college kids for half price. They came to my place and carried it to their place three times. It was a sectional. Got another couch, hated it. Okay. Got rid of that one too. I'm on my third damn couch and I wish I had burrow at the time. This is the couch that everybody wants to have.

Burrow sofas are easy to set up and easy to move. It's a simple assembly. You don't even need tools for this thing. It's durable fabric that's naturally scratch and stain resistant. Great if you have kids and pets. You can be flexible about your seating. Add or remove seats as needed. You can even convert a

love seat or a sofa into a corner sectional in the future. And even if you're just starting to furnish your place, a burrow sofa is the perfect starting point. It makes any space look good. You can customize your burrow couch to fit the look and seating style you want. You pick your fabric color, the leg finish, the armrest style, and the length. You can add a chaise lounge or an ottoman or both. Burrows more than sofas. They create all sorts of practical stylish pieces for your home. They have a collection of affordable rugs, coffee tables, love seats, armchairs, and ottomans. A genius sleep kit transforms your comfy sofa into an even comfier bed. Your guests will love sleeping on your Burrow. Burrow always offers free one-week shipping and zero interest financing,

which is amazing. Get $75 off your purchase and free one-week shipping at burrow.com slash honeydew. That's B-U-R-R-O-W dot com slash honeydew for $75 off a burrow. Now let's get back to the dude. Okay, now I asked you earlier about your biological father who you said you then did reconnect with. So you're now what, in your early 20s? And you graduate from Baylor.

And what do you do next? I became a waiter. I was like a waiter in Dallas for a bit. I did some summer stock shows and some theater around Dallas. So you never stopped performing. Right. Including then transitioning into obviously stand-up and stuff. Yeah.

And I think that was the last. I think when I moved out here, there was like a period of like maybe four or five years where I wasn't doing it as much as I was used to. Right. How old? What age did you get out here? Twenty... Well, the first time I was 22. I didn't make it the first time.

Yeah, I had the first time too. I didn't make it the first time. The first time just wrecked me. I had to move back home. There was a whole thing. So I came back out here after doing another tour of summer stock in Lake Tahoe, which was awesome. And that's what I remember. That experience alone and meeting those people and working with those people and having that experience

with those people nightly was just a beautiful because i was on the beautiful lake tahoe was our backdrop it was outdoors and just all these people would come with picnics and all this stuff and it was just so much fun and i got to be who i was there was a character in a play we were doing and i made him the most over-the-top gay character like cartoonish and crushed it yeah and so um moving out here the second time after that i met a girl named kate and she was like let's move out let's move out to la after we're done with this and i was like oh i kind of did it i kind of got into the wrong crowd and all that kind of stuff so she's like let's move out let's move out to la after we're done with this and i was like oh i kind of did it kind of got into the wrong crowd and all that kind of stuff so she's like let's just do it and i remember i was like kelly clarkson cd spoke to me that day and i was like all right let's do

it let's do it because of you yep and uh yeah driving the tent oh that kelly clarkson kelly clarkson if you were listening oh thank you for real i love strong as a texas woman to another and then um yeah what doesn't kill you makes you stronger that's a good one and um and so yeah i moved out here we moved moved into this horrible apartment. And then she wanted to go her separate way. I went my separate way. I moved out to West Hollywood.

Met a guy. We ended up having an off again, on again relationship for about like shit, like over 10 years. Wow. And then during those 10 years, the recession hit. It was really bad out here. I couldn't get a job. I remember working at restaurants, showing up. There'd be chains on the door.

They're like, we can't pay you tonight. If I got a paycheck, I'd be like, go take it to the money exchange over there just to make sure it goes through. It was awful. That was a shitty time. I was eating eggs on toast like all day um and i remember we still had cable and i remember um watching like a comedy special on um tv just like a bunch of different comics i don't remember what it was called but um they were lgbt comics and i was just like i remember looking at the tv and i was like i am way funnier than this and i remember being like you know what i gotta get back on stage and then i made a phone

call i knew a guy was doing a room out in silver lake he still does it's called drunk on stage it's at akbar i think it's every tuesday Go check it out if you're in LA. Oh, man. The Mexican restaurant I love. Oh, that one. Yeah, it's kind of by Malo. It's right by the McDonald's there in Silver Lake. And so he was like, yeah, you got six minutes. And I was like, oh, shit. And I just remember taking the stage. I had friends. I had a friend on a date who came it was like their first date together and i was like oh he's like don't you fuck this up yeah and then you know i did my set i i i wrote it and then

i performed it in six minutes in front of everybody and like it was the first feeling in such a long time where i was like, this makes sense. Like not since, you know, I guess losing my virginity or like, or like, or being with a guy, it was just one of those little like life paths of being like, this is where I need to be. This is this, this dot connects to this dot of this whole story. And so I just remember, you know, doing it and doing it and do it. And then, you know, I got passed at the store and then it's just been a progression of like, you know doing it and doing and do it and then you know I got passed

at the store and then it's just been a progression of like you know here we are and it's been fun it's been crazy but it's been but now it's been fun during that time early on when you were you so you're mid-20s is your how do you reconnect with your dad does he reach out to you do you reach out to him what is what takes place and are you you're out here at that point what happens right uh no that was the first time i was in la that so going back to the first time i had already met him and was like this isn't this isn't my thing how did you guys reconnect i had him not even reconnect because yeah you found him on i found him on the internet but you had never seen him or you have no memory of him no at all and you found him how i found him through a picture i found him through i think it was just

like i googled him or something and his name popped up and i called him and i was like hi it was like that classic scene in a movie you know i'm saying yeah how old you're 22 uh yeah 22 23 and you call him so this guy you're doing this research. He has no idea this shit's coming. Yeah. And what happens? And then, you know, we talk on the phone. What did you say? What's the first thing you said?

Oh, God, I don't even remember. Did you say, I'm your son? I just said, like, hi, it's Justin, I think. Yeah, and he was like, oh, I knew you'd call one day. And I'm like, no, okay. You've been waiting all day. Okay, clearly, I'm you'd call one day. And I'm like, no, okay. You've been waiting all day. Okay, clearly, I'm the one. The child has to call.

Exactly. I'm the adult. Yeah, nice try there, bro. And then we talk for a bit. And then he flies out to L.A. Where is he? He's in Florida. He's still in West Palm Beach.

He was like, I just moved next door. Yeah, I think he took over his parents' dry cleaning business. I mean, he's well off. He's got money. He's got a yacht. Call back to the Jeffersons here to dry clean him. Yeah. Look at that shit.

And so it's like, I've never asked anything for him. Does he have any other kids? Yeah, he's an adopted kid. I'm his only biological father. Or biological father. Biological son. Well, you are. I have a dad now.

But yeah, you're the god damn parent in this relationship. So he flies out here. He flies out here. How do you feel about that? I'm nervous as shit. I remember I quit my job. I had a really lucrative career at the Cheesecake Factory. Is something funny?

What's funny? What's wrong? You okay? Wait, hold on. I have so many questions yeah how long so you reach out you call how long but uh are you communicating before you guys decide that it's a good idea for him to come out i think it was like two three weeks yeah i want to say like that yeah i mean it's very organized this trip and like he came out you helped with it and everything and as he did it he was like i'll rent a car and we'll do a thing is he gonna stay at your place no we were gonna go to san diego but you're gonna stay in the same room together oh yeah which you are we we're going here aren't we

yeah which you've said i'm i'm doing this because i reconnected with my mother and then my friend said to me when's the last time you spent the night under the same roof and i was like great oh yeah great question like i've never spent the night under the same roof? And I was like, great question. Great question. Like I've never spent the night. Okay, so here we go. So he flies out here. Yes, and it is like this Jay Leno stunt double.

Ray Leno? Huh? Ray Leno? Ray Leno. Is he in the D on D? Hawaiian button down shirt. Hawaiian, okay. Down here, chest out, like Florida.

Gold chains, big sunglasses, gray hair. Good hair, though. Yeah, you got a good head. And that's it. That's it. That's all you need. That's the name of my podcast. Thanks, Dad. And that's it.

That's actually really funny. So then he picks up a nice light blue Thunderbird car. And we hightail it to San Diego. We stay at the Coronado Hotel. So you see him at the airport I mean do you hug is it super awkward yeah it was like yeah it's

I felt very vulnerable and like it just looked really douchey it was like oh god am I related to like my cousin Vinny like what is this because I am Italian it's crazy but yeah it's like oh shit this guy's a meatball and martindale his last name no martindale's his dad's his dad's english his mom is italian so 100 that's your

father's last name is martindale yeah okay your biological father yeah okay yeah and my grandfather is wales cumberland martindale damn yeah and so i was going to be wales cumberland Martindale. Damn. Wales Cumberland. And so I was going to be Wales Cumberland Martindale IV. I mean, what the fuck? Game of Thrones. Like, could you imagine coming to the stage? Wales Cumberland Martindale IV. I'm like, hello, good evening. My subjects.

What a week, am I right? And so, yeah, he pulls up in this Thunderbird. We get in. We go to the Coronado Hotel. We spend the night. We end up going to the lobby, and he just starts drinking and hitting on girls. Blatantly flirting. How old are you? I couldn't tell you. 40s. Early 40s.

Flirting with these girls and he's buying them drinks and he's got this hot Colombian wife who wears Louboutins back home and he's just like, ladies him drinks. And I'm like, he's got this like hot Colombian wife who wears Louboutins like back home. And he's just like, yeah, the best ladies, these drinks. And I'm like, OK, go back to the hotel. He's like, all right, we're going to sleep. And that's when it's like. OK, good night. And he like gets naked and I like looked at his dick, right?

Because it's like you guys see your dad's dick. You got to know where that comes from. He got naked. Yeah, well, he like took a shower or something. I left the door. No, no, from. He got naked? Yeah. Well, he took a shower or something. Left the door. No, no, no. He came out in his underwear. But I was like...

Trying to get a pee for your dad. Well, because I want to know what I'm working with. Because I'm working with some good shit. I wanted to be like, you are my father. You know? Hair and a dick. I'll take them. I'll take them. That's all you're going to give me. Yep. Those are my father you know like hair and the dick i'll take him i'll take him that's all you're gonna give me yep those are my balls you know got good firm balls yeah and um and so uh

we at the next day he's like okay i got a trip planned for us what is that trip dad oh we're gonna go to tijuana dad's getting we do it oh we end up in tijuana and we end up going to this bar and we're sitting at the bar we're like catching up and shit he's like oh i had a private investigator looking for you this and this and not a good one yeah and i'm just like yeah clearly like what and even if they did tell you shit like wouldn't you be like i'm going to get my son no yeah i end up calling family members and meeting them and they're like oh we've missed you and i'm like okay and then we go to this bar we're talking to this and while i'm having this heart-to-heart i'm like this is what i've been going through. And he doesn't know I'm gay. I haven't told him.

But, you know, catching him up with the last 20 something years of my life. Like someone whistling a whistle comes up behind me. I'm like, yeah, it's finally good. And a bottle of tequila. Like someone just shoves a bottle of tequila. Right while you're trying to have this moment. Whistling all the way up.

I know. Dad, what I'm trying to say is I'm trying to say I love. Yeah. So then we end up going to this strip bar where it's daytime oh and that's time oh yeah the only time and we're just shit face and there's this girl and they're like bienvenidos a la stage emerald or whatever the hell and this girl gets out she's dancing on this pole and she's so

fucking bad she's so bad daytime stripper yeah so i take it upon myself to walk up to the stripper and be like move aside bitch you got up on stage in a Tijuana strip club in front of your just reacquainted father. He just said he doesn't know I'm gay yet. He's about to find out. He has no idea. He has no idea. You moved her out of the way it got up i shushed a stripper and i was like i get up there and i start like body rolling and i'm doing all this shit

before jennifer lopez did it no one's throwing money at me not one i think i got like a peso in the dick yeah and um that's when security came over and took me off the stage so i'm like i'm sorry i'm sorry she sucked she sucked someone had to tell her knowing glass knowing glass so then my my dad's like hey justin who's 20 bucks go go you know go go over there he then decides that he's gonna buy me a lap dance because i just need to calm down yeah just settle down'm heated. So I'm sitting in the back of this box with a curtain. And the stripper comes in and she's like, you know, she's trying her best Salma Hayek from, you know, Dussel Dawn. And it's just not happening. She looks like a vampire snake lady.

But the sun hasn't set. It might be the greatest strips scene without nudity I've ever seen in my entire life. That tequila down her leg. Oh, God. Damn. Yep. See? We've bonded on something.

We have. Seriously. And then she starts doing it and everything. And I'm like, you know what? You're fine. You sit down. You sit down. Let me give you this, motherfucker.

Bitch. I start having a heart-to-heart with this stripper. You're chatting her up. Listen, Tiffany. Let me give you this motherfucking. I started having a heart to heart with this stripper. Listen, I go, do you have kids? She's like, see, I'm like, let me see him. Pulls out her wallet. She's got like three or four kids. You need to go to America.

You go live the dream. Like a jet flew over as I was saying that. Yeah. An eagle cod. Yeah yeah and she was like she starts crying and i'm like oh god and then the security guy hears her like oh you know yeah so dance is over and so i get sat out there again we end up leaving the we go back to the hotel that was a trip's over um we go back to la he's asked he asked my roommates like is justin uh was justin gay and my roommates are like uh you should

probably have that talk with him with your son and uh i remember him giving me a hundred bucks and that was the last i ever saw him and you never had he never asked you outright no no no but i'm sure he's found out now i mean he's got to know now and you've never seen him since no and then it's from either no 120 bucks huh yeah 120 no 100 well he gave you 100 he gave you 20 to get to get your to have the heart to heart with a stripper and like and then a night in coronado that was what you're that was what you're... I mean, if I could put a monetary figure on it, 500 tops under 1,000. Yeah, something.

Wow. Never a birthday card, nothing. Fuck. Nothing. And you're not interested in... Oh, fuck. Yeah. I've had... I mean, man. No one. No one. It's crazy because even... I couldn't imagine bonding with a child like that and then not wanting to continue that.

Yeah. Well, he wanted to do it the first time. So you're right about that. I mean, my mom took me for a reason. And. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. Yeah. And.

Was going to say. Oh, when I when I. I was going to say. Oh, shit. Oh, when I when I. So when I'm doing the road every now and then I'll run into a Martindale who knows him and knows his side of the family. Like they're cousins and shit. So they'll be like, yeah, you know.

And he's never popped up at a show or anything. If you've been there. No, I don't want him around. Yeah, I don't blame you. I mean. So who are you closest to in your family? Your mom? My mom. Are you close to your stepfather?

No. I mean. Are they still together? No, no, no, they divorced. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's, we're cordial. It's just, we have nothing in common. You know, he's remarried.

His wife is very, very sweet. So your family is. I saw them at Christmas. Like I saw them at Christmas. Yeah. So your family is... I saw them at Christmas. Like, I saw them at Christmas. Yeah. So your family is your mom and her family. Which I'm the last of. All of her family's dead.

But your dad, there's no one that kept in touch. When you met those people, like, oh, we've been wondering about you, whatever. Nobody followed up. No, no, no, no, no. No, I take that back. There's actually a couple, I want to say they're from New York. And every now and then, I'll post something on on facebook or instagram and they'll chime in with a comment yeah yeah yeah fair enough you know whatever i hear you um but you said you had a pretty rough

2019 yeah yeah yeah my grandma died that was rough and that's about that's fine are you sure yeah she had she was a great woman she really was she had a cool life she married my grandfather my grandfather ended up working for elvis presley wow yeah so uh he was the manager the horse manager of uh graceland i've been i've seen those horses at graceland and so this is actually a tattoo i got drunk with jessime peluso in san diego and what's it say sugarfoot what is sugarfoot it's the horse that my mom had to give away to elvis even when my granddad told elvis not to take my mom's horse elvis took your mom well priscilla fucking wanted it she's like i like that one and he was like sorry sorry, man. I'm Elvis.

Bye. And she was like, sugar foot. And like to this day, you know. So I ended up getting it. That's a great, terrible story. Yeah. Right? That's a great, terrible story. It's so traumatic.

That's what this whole podcast is. Great, terrible story. Yeah. Elvis took my mom's horse. Did they keep the horse named Sugarfoot? Oh, put it down right away. What? They shot it right in the head for fun.

No. They ran out of TVs. No. I mean, I didn't. I meant that they keep the name Sugarfoot, or did they call it something else? I don't know. I don't know. You're talking about Elvis killing the fuck out of it. He's just like, yeah, I'll take it from here.

Ah! Right in front of you. Ah! Sugarfoot! Sugarfoot! And that's the day my mother never rode again. So your mom had a horse that elvis gave to his daughter how about that maybe i mean that's terrible i don't think i don't think uh the daughter was born yet oh lisa marie now i don't think she was born yet this is like in the 60s wow okay so that's your

grandfather he's working for elvis yeah yeah and then they had a son who died really, really early. Is that why you went to Tennessee from Florida? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because my grandfather took us. And then she had a brother who ended up- So they're in Memphis, living in the Memphis area then?

Okay. Yeah. And then my- I love- I've been to Beale Street. Yeah. I love that little area. It's cool.

To visit. It's a lot different. Yeah. It's a visit now. Yeah. I wouldn't- But it's still has a heart. I couldn't live there. Yeah. It has a heart heart though yeah fuck yeah i love i love it down there and then um uh they she had a brother who ended up dying at like 14 i believe your mom yeah and so

he was it was an accidental i don't it's a it was an accidental suicide, but it's also been called a murder. It's one of those dark, dark, dark, dark family secrets that nobody wants to talk about. But I think I know what it is, so I'm going to keep that in here. You cracked the case? Oh, okay. I think my uncle was gay so there was that and i think he didn't know how to deal with it and that's what i think oh that's terrible um and then so they grew up and then my grandmother cut her lawn every day they and her and her husband have

divorcing but they were still friends they were they had a friendly divorce and stayed friends and then he passed away in 88 and then my mother and my grandmother you know had a hard time together they always fought and uh my grandmother i loved her she was always very very sweet they always lived close by each other though yeah it was just it was always just fucking like southern bitch drama you know it's just like well you did this well i drama. You know, it's just like, well, you did this. Well, I did not. Well, you. And it's just, shut up.

Just return the cake pan. You know what I mean? It's like, fuck off. Yes, totally. Yeah. It's a dumb bullshit. Both your lemonades are good. My sweet tea recipe is better.

It's like, bitch. my sweet tea recipe is better it's like bitch so anyways um yeah my grandmother had she had diabetes and she had she had heart problems and uh she just was getting old she lived in like this assisted living community and she had a caretaker with her how was she when she passed oh i think she was 83 yeah um yeah i think so um you're welcome nana or maybe not i don't know um yeah she's 83 and uh yeah she had a heart attack then she had a stroke well she had a stroke then she had a heart attack. Then she had a stroke. Well, she had a stroke. Then she had a heart attack when they tried to revive her. They ended up cracking her ribs for emergency heart surgery. And she was better. But at that part, the damage had already been done.

And then she had another heart attack while she was trying to get through that one. So it was very fast, very sudden. And that last heart attack is what did it in in the facility yes and so the caretaker ended up calling my sister and then my sister called me and we had to make a decision it was like my mom my mom and her weren't talking oh no um hadn't talked in a while the last couple of years every time my mom would call be like have you heard from nana and it's just like no but you guys would communicate yeah yeah and then it just kind of got to the point where she was

she was schizophrenic like so she would see shit and i'm you know she'd be like the white wolf came by the bed the other day and i'm like what you what? You're like, I met that bitch when I was eight. She fucking said, you stupid fucking cat. I know who you're talking about, Nana. I was like, I've seen her too. I haven't stopped seeing that bitch, Nana. Yeah, yeah. The white wolf.

Stay away from my grandma. I just throw a stick. The motherfucking white wolf comes back. God damn it. Just waking up naked in a field. I killed again. And so. Oh my God.

All these dead cattle. So then. We had to make a decision to fly out. And take care of some shit. So it was actually a really good time. My brother Aaron was in the UK with his wife because he's in the Air Force. So unfortunately, he couldn't come. But my sister and my brother and I, we all went.

That's nice. Did your mom go? Did you convince her to go? No. Yeah. And so. That's tough. She was on life support and it was just it was hard and um

yeah it was like so you guys had to make the decision to take her off life support and it was so quick and this is actually like the first time i've kind of talked about it um it was hard it It was really hard. The nurse came in and was like, is this what you want to do? We were like, we can't see her like this. There's no recovery from this. She was coherent.

She wasn't talking, but you could see that there was something in the back of her mind that was just like, oh, shit. It was hard to watch like i've never seen somebody pass like in the movies it's always like you know and if you're like that and you get that congratulations because i did not get that at all and it was my sister freaked out we were all and my brother who fought in afghanistan he was like this is how it is guys because he's seen it yeah and i was like i remember like afterwards i was just like you've seen that

and he's like oh yeah when i was in war i was like oh i'm so sorry yeah so we had to go from kids from grandkids to grand adults and we had to pick out her clothes. I did that. We had to pick out her flowers. We had to put together a funeral in this small town and not a lot of people came. There were some people that came but all her friends are dead. So it was like a small service. We went and buried

her. I got hit on by the pastor. Hey, pastor coming back too. Oh, girl. This pastor was thirsty. the funeral my grandmother's getting put in the fucking ground it is a soggy tuesday and i have to deal with a soggy bottom shit he's just hitting oh he was like so when you go back I'm like okay my brother my sister there he's just like

he's just like blatantly flirting and I'm like dude my brother's like I look at my brother and I'm like are you seeing this and he's like oh yeah and he's like so are you a member of the alphabet community and I'm like

really LGBT he's like yeah I've been to a couple gay bars I'm like yeah no shit God could you pick a better time Steve

Pastor Steve. God. And then it's so crazy. And I've felt I've my sister and I've talked about this. I've definitely felt like a guilt because, you know, I, you know, I'm like, I just don't want her to hate me. So. I went to a psychic not too long ago and I and I I just sat there and I, you know, her name is Brittany. She's fantastic. She's that, of course, it is right to tease.

And I'm sitting there and she's great. Really cool. Really cool chick. And she starts laughing. She was like, there's a really loud woman here. And I was like, I'm right here. And she's like, she's like, no, you know, she's very loud. She doesn't want to be here because there was like tarot cards and shit. And I was like, okay. She's like, oh, it's your grandma. And I'm like, oh, okay, cool. And she goes, she loved the flowers. And I was like, and I didn't even tell

her anything about my grandmother passing, nothing. And I'm like, oh, because I love the flowers. And I was like, and I didn't even tell her anything about my grandmother passing, nothing. And I'm like, cause I love the flowers too. They were good flowers. And she was just telling me, you know, everything's fine. I made the right decision and all that kind of stuff.

And it was very like, I remember crying. Cause I was just like, Whoa. And, um, I went home and I called my sister and I was like, talk to a psychic today.

And, uh, she, uh, she said, Nana, love the flowers. mean i have never heard my sister break down the way she did because it was really hard on her she has four kids on her

own you know it's like she she really stepped it up like a boss and handled that situation and i'm very proud of her for what she did that's nice yeah yeah um now can i ask you did your mom ask about the fish she had nothing didn't even how was it was it a nice i mean she she is she does she regret it i don't know she says she doesn't but i was just like i could never i don't know that's not it's just it's just hard and it's just like i don don't know. It's kind of petty. And my mom and I have fought so many times and we've had our arguments and stuff. But I'm like, you got to know that when your time comes, I will be there. Yeah. And it's I just couldn't.

I couldn't imagine it was just like because, I mean, the only people she really had there were her grandkids, the three the three out of the four grandkids. like because i mean the only people she really had there were her grandkids the three the three out of the four grandkids and it was just and i went back over christmas and the last day i was there i told my sister i was like can we go out and see nana and so we went back there and i was just looking at where i came from i was like there's my grandfather my grandmother her son you know and you're just kind of like oh wow this is where i, my grandmother, her son, you know. And you're just kind of like, oh, wow, this is where I came from. And then I looked and I was like, oh, fuck. We misspelled Nana.

Nuh-uh. Did you? Did you? N-A-double-N-A. Nana. I was like, oh, shit. You've never known him? And we all proofread the tombstone.

And we were just emotionally drained that we, three kids were just like, eh, that's fine. Like, didn't even care. Na-na. N-A-N-N-A. I was like, oh, this is why those books are falling off my shelf. That's why that loud lady was here. That's why I got a sage.

I got to buy some rocks after this. Oh, wow, man. That was definitely a hard lesson. Not a lesson, but it's just an experience. It sticks with you.

It's traumatic. All trauma. And you have those dreams afterwards, like in every horror film, where it's like, you could have helped me. And you're like, no. And you wake up and you're like, and you got a trick next to you. And you're like, get out. You know, I call my mom.

I had a dream last night. It was meant for you. God, I know. I got to stop having your mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should have been you. The she wolves like, oh, I'm a dream last night that was meant for you. I know. I got to stop having your motherfucking dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should have been you. The she-wolf's like, I'm like, no. You mentioned that it was quite a 2019.

So I want to switch gears with you and talk about you had a high school reunion. Now, I haven't been to any of my high school reunions. Actually, that's not true. I think there was like a, I don't even want to say it was a reunion. It was a five-year, like, get-together that was held. But since then, I haven't – my brother went to one. They said there weren't a lot of people that showed up. But what – this was last year for you?

Yeah. So what year? This was – yeah. We know. You know, reunion. know reunion reunion we'll get together you know a bigger one yeah bigger reunion all right so where and you go to this in where texas in san antonio yeah so like i'm staying with my brother um i'm so excited staying with my youngest brother and his girlfriend at the time and then like the next day we had all planned this like my sister her kids were in town so it was like we had this like get together in this really cool area in san antonio called the pearl brewery shout out to

the pearl um so awesome if you get to go to san antonio it's just beautiful it's like an old distillery that they've turned into like a hotel and like it's gorgeous um so i'd like that sweet and uh we just kind of day drank all day but like there was like wine and beer and all and i'm getting shit faced i'm like i have a good buzz and um my friends came and picked me i had my suit i in a suit. I was working for E now. So I get there and the bartender girl knew that I knew me from the show that I hosted. That's nice. No. I'm going to look right into my camera and just say, I'll see you in hell.

Best thing to say to someone. I love that line. So she's like, oh my God, I love your show. And she goes, what can I get for you? Whatever you want. I was like, you know what? I'd like a nice Texas bourbon. That's what I want.

Just a neat, or just one rocks. She's like, oh yeah, I got it right away. She pulls it. It was delicious. I couldn't even tell you what the name of it was, but I had about two or three of those. People are trickling in. No food yet. I start seeing my old friends like my friend Ann uh Ann Ferringer who she married Mike Ferringer they were high school sweethearts and I've been in contact with them my friend Ann Dias who lives in New York now Marjorie came one of the other mascots so I'm just hooking up like hooking up with all these people I haven't seen in you know years decades um and it was just like we kind of picked up right where we left off

i remember like crying and everyone's like why are you crying i was just like i just want the gangs back together like just and then the waitress comes over she's like oh um so the bourbon that i've been giving you is 75 a glass no and i'm like no because that means it's strong as shit so i at this point am overwhelmed with emotion they're playing like all of our music from your three of these deep yeah plus a full day with like kids and family just you know having beers and shooting the shit i have a panic attack and so like but not like a like oh i'm hyperventilating it's a drunk panic attack where i was like i need to get out of here for a second because it was kind of like i got thrown back into that year and i was like whoa and my life is so different now and it's just

it was just a lot for me. Because it was such an age that I defined myself. You know what I mean? And now I'm here and I'm defining myself. So visiting that is just... It's like that scene in Back to the Future. In Back to the Future 2 where she walks by herself. And she's like, I'm young. I'm old.

And they pass out. That's what I did. But with a little bit of shit. So I go outside. I guess I just walked downstairs to the front door. I walked outside. I stood in the parking lot. I breathed and I just started peeing. What do you mean? Just peeing. In your pants? Oh, yeah.

You started peeing yourself? Full piss. Warm, hot, reunion piss. Reunion piss. In my shoes. No, dude. Who's out there with you? No one.

All right, no one's out there. I'm just standing there like, I know how it works. I know how it's supposed to work. And the fact that I didn't be like I should take my dick out and pee like all the other times. Why did I just. No. Just stood there and was like

Hold on. Yeah I was going to say now you have a decision to make. Are we ghosting the reunion? i try to get back in they're like no you're done and i'm like why i'm like because you're covered in your own urine and this is texas what were you they don't let me back in so i'm like so i go over to my friend's car right she leaves the she left the passenger side unlocked I get in the car pull the chair back lay down

and pass out I wake up to the sound of you're in my car and I'm like what they get in like dude you're in my car and I'm like what it? They get in. They're like, dude, you're in my car. And I'm like, what? It's not my friend's car.

That's what I was hoping you were going to say. Just some strange dude who's pissed himself. And they don't know if you pissed yourself in their car. To this day, they lock their doors every time. Every mother fucker. Every. They're like, never again again that was their car 9-11 they were like they were like this will never happen again oh god and just just puddles of piss in their car

no my friend ends up leaving she's like we're going home we're going home we're going home, we're going home, we're going home. I get home. They got me in the shower. I get in the bed. I have to wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to get on a plane back to L.A. to go cover Jim Jeffries' show as a correspondent at Politicon. So I roll on a plane. I don't even want to know. To the person who had to sit next to me, I'm sorry. It's not my brand.

And I roll off, get in bed. The car comes, picks me up. We go down to the convention center. And I didn't realize that it was the republican politicon so i'm there hung over looking at a bunch of mega hats like no oh and by a bunch i mean like 20 they'll tell you it was packed to the rim 20 fucking tools um and I have to go interview them and I'm like so and I'm at one point the camera caught me like almost puking on a woman but that was real that was real because I was talking to her about like immigration and I

like my stepdad's Mexican and shit and I'm like like, like, just like, I was like, this is what we're talking about right here. It's making you sit. Yeah. I was like, well, yeah. And they're like,

fake news. Um, but yeah, that was definitely an experience. And to this day, I remember like coming back and being so apologetic to my friends. I was like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. And they're like, we got you. We get it. And I was like, okay, so next time I come back, we're not doing that.

but yeah, I was like, Justin, what the fuck? But I was just, you know, it and i was like okay so next time i come back we're not doing that so but yeah i was like justin what the fuck but i was just you know it's a lot of there's a lot going a lot of emotions you know so i'm gonna take you back there again because i would like to hear um if you could go back and give your 16 year old self some advice what you would say to 16 year old justin ah this is so rupaul's drag race of you does they do that 16 year old Justin. This is so RuPaul's Drag Race of you. Does they do that? 16 year old? You know they do.

I never watched it in my life. Honest. Is it 16 years old? Is it? Sure. God damn it. Yeah. I didn't know that.

Or she'll say like. But every time. No, no, no. It's whatever year she wants. Okay. What would you like to say to eight year old Andrew? I see. It's 16.

It's always. See for me I specifically I was telling you I picked 16 because sitting here for a year now plus and listening to other people just talk 16 seems to be a pivotal age for either something happened to you that affected your life forever some sort of trauma or it's already happened and you're now starting to really become sort of an adult and understand at least the beginnings of what's going on. So I'm curious what advice you would give yourself. I would say you've done good, Justin. You've really struggled a lot as a kid.

But you never identified it as struggling. You just did it. And you went with it. And you went with the punches, emotionally and physically. But it's going to get way better for you and it's going to get way worse for you um there's going to come a time when you don't know who you are who you can trust.

But first and foremost, trust yourself and go with your gut. And you're going to get kicked so hard. You're just going to get beaten up just emotionally. And you're going to think a lot of dark thoughts um but you're gonna pull through at the end and you're gonna always stay true to yourself like your mom always told you never forget who you are. And. Yeah, you're going to you're you're doing it.

It's going to take some time, but you're doing it. Is it going to take some time? And it's. Yeah. Give me some. What? Give me your hand. Shake your hand. Oh, I wanted to tell you thank you for coming on

how what come on that was a hate crime come on i hate cry i love you cancel right thank you for yes thank you so much it was a pleasure talking coming on here and uh please again promote plug everything you'd like oh you can see me at the Comedy Store. You can follow me on Instagram at Justin Martindale, on Twitter at JustMartindale. DM me if you like this podcast. I like making friends. And I'm on tour with Jim Jefferies right now on the Oblivious Tour, so check your dates.

Yeah. And if you're with me now, thank you. And if I make some new friends out of this, welcome to the ride. I love it. Thank you. You bet. I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. you