The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Kelsey Cook

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Kelsey Cook! Kelsey returns to discuss some Dewzies about struggles with IBS, body waxing, foot videos and getting fired because of an inappropriate text. Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel & be ready to watch The Dew there beginning June 1! We're two weeks away! Sponsors: - Go to http://omaxhealth.com and enter code HONEYDEW to get 20% off CryoFreeze and sitewide. - If you visit http://expressvpn.com/honeydew, you can get an extra 3 months of ExpressVPN for free!

This episode is brought to you by Omax Cryo Freeze and ExpressVPN. More on that later. Let's get into the do. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. Website is ryansickler.com. Info for, first of all, we're going to be doing a Zoom episode today.

I'm taking my Zoom virginity as being a host on one. I've been a guest on one. We have a great guest for you today. I'm excited to introduce you to here momentarily. But please go over to the website, subscribe for my email newsletter. Excuse me. And if you don't know, we've got two weeks left here at YMH Studios, and then I'll be bringing the honeydew to you from my own honeydew studio.

So please go over to my YouTube, subscribe, youtube.com slash rsickler. You'll be able to subscribe at the end of this episode with the links in the end page. There'll also be a link in the written description as well. So please make sure you're subscribed there. If you want to keep seeing the honeydew, we're going to be doing it there. It's the only thing changing. And yes, I know iTunes is fucked up. Believe me, I have been on it, on it, on it. I finally got a human being on their end to pay some attention to me. So hopefully we're going to get that iTunes thing worked out. I know so many of you use that app

and a lot of you don't anymore because of that. So it's a known issue. It's not our fault. It's not anything we're doing wrong. We've done nothing different. They're just not uploading the subscribed episodes every week and it's a real pain in the ass. It's happened me as well it's not just you guys out there so um also thank you for supporting uh night pants nation i love you all out there keep sending those pictures i'll

keep posting them you guys are i can't say thank you enough i know you can hear it in my voice you're literally supporting my family by selling fucking by buying night pants because we can't get out and fucking work and do standup comedy anymore. Right now. Uh, we've just been extended what to August 1st here in LA, which it's kind of aggressive. It's getting to me. It's getting to me. Um, but anyway, the website here, the honeydewpodcast.com, ryansickler.com. You go to there, you go to the store, get the merch. You can subscribe. All social media links are there. Again, make sure you subscribe to that YouTube.

And the Honeydew with y'all is the Patreon. I'll be starting very soon. I'm going through all your stories now. I'm getting the emails. Don't worry. I'm vetting them, going through. And hopefully right around the beginning of June, we'll start that as well.

I'd love to kick them off so you have two episodes every week. So I'll be promoting that, and you'll see that when we get out there. Now, if you're new to the show, these are the stories behind the storytellers. We highlight the lowlights here. And today's returning guest, I'm very excited to bring back everybody, Kelsey Cook, y'all, everybody. Welcome back, Kelsey Cook. Thanks so much for having me back thank you for doing this with me for my first time on zoom and thank you for coming correct girl you got the copper eyeshadow on matching your shirt i've already talked about let me see those periwinkle nails fucking on point girl on fucking point and this is who's over your shoulder here mia you said

my cat mia she's uh she's being look at her just showing her i know what's up like what is this that's my type of girl right there just turn it around waste no time really hoeing herself out um yeah i was gonna say you're like the only guy who compliments specific like eyeshadow nail polish dudes don't do that it's i mean i don't know how a guy could not compliment your eyeshadow it is popping right now it looks like the bottom of the copper top battery look like two pennies yeah it looks way better than two pennies you look good i can tell you put time and effort into it plus i thank you kelsey and i've been a guest on your uh what's the what's your makeup show called again?

So I used to do a web series called Stand-Ups Doing Makeup. They're still all on YouTube. I think it's like 22 episodes. But yeah, you came on. Kreischer's on there. Burt's on. Norton's on there. Myself.

Jim Norton. Mark Norman. Jesse Mepaluso. So many great people. And yeah, you came on and like painted my face like the side of a tool shed and i never seen anybody use this technique and i don't know if that was still having probably it's my technique that's mine not before or since i don't know if that was like a summer job you had in baltimore was like i painted i painted sheds for real I did that makes so much sense because it was like whatever your muscle memory was was like well

I've never done a chick's makeup before but this feels right to me and I could just feel a brush flapping up and down on my face I was like oh this is gonna be a nightmare it might not have gone on well but god damn it looked good when i was done didn't it i think it rivaled i think it rivals what you're doing here today you were also so high that i think your eyes were just closed and like you couldn't see what you did and it was bad i don't know i want to tell you during it i was confident and when i went back to even today when i go back and look i look at go, yeah, that's a solid job right there for a guy. It's never put makeup on anybody before. You went into the blush.

I remember it was like cranberry shade. And then you went to my cheek and you went splash. It's all true. It's splash of what? Splash of crayon. You ever see those girls that just put way too much on the side? Like you look like one of those dolls. It's all like rosy cheeked and shit.

Oh, full JonBenet Ramsey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't be doing that. Well, before we begin, please plug, promote anything you would like. Yeah. Put it all out there. You can follow me on Instagram at KelseyCookComedy. My website is KelseyCook.com.

It's where all of my like revised tour dates are because everything's been pushed back later in the year. Obviously, uh, my podcast is the self helpless podcast. I know that you had Taylor on pretty recently, Taylor Tomlinson. So, um, it's my podcast with her and, uh, Delaney Fisher. And then my foosball web series, risk of fury, which you have also been on, and that's on YouTube. It's on the All Things Comedy network, and it's so much fun. I saw Drew was on it as well. Yes. He was the most recent episode with Dr. Drew.

Who's been your toughest competition, legit? Probably Nick Thune and Dean Del Rey. They were the two that had the most experience before they came in. I still beat them. I was going to say, yeah, it gave me a little bit of a run a little bit. But yeah, Dr. Drew was great because I got to get a little like revenge on him because he brought me on his show and made me watch all of the horrific videos that Tom pulled up. And so they, when I did Dr. Drew's show, they had me watch a video of a guy just swimming in a cesspool. Like it was just, it was just like a sewer and he was just swimming in it. And that's how that guy got off. Like it was a turn on for him for whatever reason. And then they also made me watch a girl drink her own urine

and so dr drew's punishment for losing was that i pulled up a video of a girl peeing in a cup and then a friend of hers drinking come on girls urine these two people are out there and i made him drink room temperature lemon lime gatorade as the girl. As she drank her friend's pee. And it really did fuck him up. Like we weren't sure, like we were like, what if this is so anticlimactic that it's just like, he doesn't get affected by it,

but something it's like, it does affect you psychologically to watch somebody drink pee. And then you drink a substance that's very pee like at the same time. Man up for Christ's sake. You made me eat imitation crab and dog biscuits and dog biscuits and what happened when i ate those dog biscuits kelsey cook tell the world tell the world you were a little terrier like you loved them they were it's not my first dog biscuit that was not not my first milk bone. All right. I've been to high school and college.

That was not my first milk bone. And I was surprised. I was like, God, these kind of taste like wheat thins. They weren't bad at all. I even went back for seconds. I went back for more of the dog bones than the imitation crab because that imitation crab is fucking garbage. The hot dog of the sea.

Oh, my God. Yeah. You were a golden retriever. You love those milk bones. And it was so weird because like everybody who came on the show before you that I made eat a milk bone where they were dry heaving, they like threw up immediately. And you're like, it's like a fucking Triscuit. I was like, what's wrong with you?

It really wasn't that bad. You liked that way more than the invitation crowd, which was crazy to me. But yeah, that was very fun. So go watch Ryan's episode. Yeah, it is a fun episode. I love it. Wrist of Fury is fantastic. Fantastic idea.

I mean, there's nobody like you. There's nobody like you. And I watched your little cutesy, hot, dumb girl in Vegas. Was it Vegas you were doing that? Yeah. And suckering the dudes in in just fucking crushing them, crushing their souls. Like, oh, look at this pretty hot girl over here. It's kind of dumb. Let's play foosball.

And then you're kicking their ass. Oh, it was so fun to go hustle. Yeah, we did a whole episode dedicated to me going undercover and hustling people in Vegas. Vegas is so great for that. Everybody already kind of wants to make bets. Everybody's in kind of like their finest whore gear there so i put on like giant fake eyelashes in this low-cut

top and just use the worst voice like everybody oh you did you had that high pitch never do that voice again but i would go up and be like hi um i have a web series where like i do things that i've never done before for the first time um it's called pop my cherry and then like dudes were just like what the fuck is this and we got people to come play and then i would like i didn't actually take their money because i felt bad but we would get to that point it was pretty fun well walk me through what you're dealing with in quarantine right now like how are you we we've got definitely a list of some things to talk about but what uh what are you dealing with how's it going for you yeah um i mean so i've done a few of the virtual

comedy shows have you done any of those yet no i stand up as hard it's not right now i refuse if it becomes a way of life and it's an absolute necessity it's the only way our art form is going to survive i will probably have to suck it up and adapt but stand up as hard enough as it is right i can't i don't want to make something that's already difficult even more difficult um right i talked to um sarah weinshank she was telling me she had done one and she said she had to wear headphones and there was a delay and everything else going on i was like that just sounds fucking terrible yeah you know i've seen so i i've seen some experiences where i was like okay that would be really really shitty i have done three and actually loved all three of them i got lucky that they were one of them had over 800

people watching and people were unmuted so you could hear people laughing but do you hear like if somebody's like craig craig like at the back of their house do you hear that shit going on okay so one of the shows pete lee and i co-headlined and i got lucky that during my set nothing like that was happening and then pete got on and about five minutes in somebody was unmuted and they just started playing post malone song wow that song that bert did like this his strip dance too okay so it's just playing and like whoever was playing it obviously didn't know that it was playing or they were being a dick i don't know but in that situation you're not in a comedy club where a bouncer can come kick that person out you're just pete's like okay so whoever's playing post malone yeah this is exactly what i'm talking about if you stop oh no or dogs barking

aren't you hearing people's pets barking in the background and shit yeah i don't want any fucking part of that 800 people watching sounds great but are they are they on mute so you're seeing them laugh no you're hearing them laugh you do hear you're hearing them laugh. You do hear them laugh. Yeah. I have had positive experiences so far, but it is so weird. You have to be tethered so you're really just stationary. You can't move around. And then the only place in my apartment that I could find to have good lighting and be the right height is my fucking cat tree. And so I'm doing comedy with my laptop balanced on a cat tree.

And like, so you did stand, you didn't sit, you still stood. I stood, I stood. Um, and like halfway through my set,

Mia, my giant fat cat just jumps on the tree to start scratching her claws on the scratching post so i'm doing it and then the whole computer does this like i'm doing comedy in a fucking tsunami i was like wow i can't believe this is what my job has turned into right now what's the longest set you did 40 minutes you did 40 fucking minutes like that that's when pete lee and i co-headlined you're a soldier girl you're a soldier because the first couple were fun i was like well it's giving me an adrenaline rush that i'm not getting and i was getting paid for it which right now it's like to lose all of your work i'm having to like so i had gotten foot video offers before the pandemic started

let's start let's start talking now girl here we go that's what i'm talking about who who's who's who's hitting you up for the foot offers just random dudes out there yeah in my dms and you're getting it how much how many would you say enough where you thought about it um it started with one guy who offered he sent a message that said two thousand dollars for foot bid and what okay so what jesus christ can i put my fucking feet together and send them for you i'll do it i'll be your foot stunt double i'll split the money with you so what do they want you to do though just your feet well in the conversation i didn't like respond to this guy. I didn't, I don't know if there are specifications he would want, if this is some sort of like director's cut, if you need a lot of creativity or if it's

literally just like, I can send you a 10 second clip of me wiggling my toes and you'll send me $2,000. But I felt even if he didn't want me to do something creepy with my feet, I just feel like it's a little bit like the, if you give a moose a muffin situation if you give a mouse a cookie where it's like you do that with one guy and then they feel like they maybe have a special bond and it's like then do they ask for more maybe i'm the one in the slippery slope where then i want to keep doing it and get more money and then i'm fucking living in a gutter but like my feet are all over the internet you know i don't know listen i can't believe as a man with a daughter i'm gonna say this but if you throw that periwinkle polish on those toes girl you probably put yourself through through retirement you know what i'm saying i really feel like it i really feel like it well my that's the weird thing is

like i don't have i don't think i have like gross feet but i don't have super nice feet i'm on wiki feet you know about wiki feet oh my god do yourself a favor check out wiki feet after we're done talking so if any like if somebody's more public or whatever people will pull pictures on instagram that show your bare feet at all and put them, they will compile them into a profile on WikiFeet. So if you like post a picture of yourself at the beach with a standard pic of the, everyone takes their feet there, that they, someone just grabs that and makes a site of it. Someone grabs it and adds it to a, your WikiFeet profile and then do the foot fetish. Can they get like jerk off more efficiently?

And I mean, it's like all in one. That's what jerking off is all about. Efficiency. Efficiency. You've got to get in. You've got to get out. They rate your feet and I have a 3.3 out of 5. That's pretty solid. They've called okay feet.

Okay. okay I can't even right now yeah I know right I feel like I'm like I'm like the Olive Garden of feet you know what I mean it's like if we have to go there I just gotta get this nut out real quick let's just look at Kelsey's feet

men are fucking out. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, but there's nothing. I don't think there are women out there paying to see men's feet. Absolutely not. You guys are fucking savage. Somebody wants to see your gnarly, like, what's the thing on the side when it comes out? The bunion.

Bunion, yeah. No one wants to see your bunion and your hair and lint you guys don't fuck like you don't get under your toenails it's just like dark first of all i do i get under my toenails i get in between my toes i'll let my toenails grow a tad long before i cut them i'm not gonna lie about that i could probably if i was an eagle i could probably catch some trout with my toenails everyone now and then you know what i mean like i cut them when i go when i'm in bed and they scratch me i'm like all right it's time it's exactly i wrote i have a joke about that that like cuddling with my husband he made me bleed he drew blood on my fucking ankle because his foot just like did a

sideways motion and i was like i'm you shanked my achilles heel like i need to go to the hospital i'm gonna bleed out you guys are crazy with your toenails but i know i know a couple girls that are selling their panties right now and doing all that stuff really yeah and some of them aren't even wearing them you know what i mean they're like just yeah they're just buying them from the store putting them on for like you know and walk around the block and then seriously sell them like we can't do that i would sell the shit out of my underwear if there were women out there that wanted my underwear i would sell my underwear my feet i would sell that stuff

josh potter's a great sex worker one of the best sex workers here out of the ymh studio probably top probably top yeah i mean i who knows if if i'm still not getting money from comedy in a few months listen maybe it's gonna be 2021 before it's happening in los angeles on a regular basis i've seen like i've seen texas and stuff open to 35 capacity that's gonna do nothing to stop the spread of the virus it's not how do I know these four fucking people at this table have been quarantined together the whole time? You don't know. Right. And the poor waiter or waitress that walks through their sneezes or coughs or laughs.

What about that? It's not going to stop the spread by limiting. All it's doing is allowing people to make money. And I know people need to make money right now, but I don't know. We're on lockdown now till August 1st. And then they may even go longer right and that schools are out already like i don't have babysitters nothing we're doing homeschooling all that bullshit so yeah i don't think you're gonna see comedy back to 100 in in

la in california it may be in in other ones but uh right out here i don't know about that yeah i don't think the comedy store is going to be sold out every room every night seven nights a week for a minute it's going to be a while yeah well i might i might send a foot video then another guy sent a message saying you said it so sincerely like i did i right i got cats to feed i I mean, like, what else am I going to do? Yeah, right. Another guy sent a message saying, like, I'll pay you to kick me in the balls. Come on. Yeah. And I'm like, that's it.

Just it's such a rabbit hole of what people want to pay money for. I watched the videos of the Asian dudes. They wear like tighty whities they lay on the ground and they get these girls to wear like stilettos and they stomp their ball bags i mean stomp their ball bags and these guys are rolling over in pain and they lay there and want more of it like they're fucking making wine yes yeah yeah it's nuts and they like they come from it i don't get i don't get how they aren't in the er every night if you i'm telling you if you said ryan i'm gonna give you two million dollars right now i'm gonna kick your balls violently and you have to come from it i

wouldn't be able to i don't know how you can do that you can't do that i would be focused on the pain and trauma that my ball bag is suffering not trying to get this nut out for the two million, you know? Yeah. I'm just not that guy. If that's your thing, I'm not your guy, Kelsey. Wow. I mean, you can kick them. I'm going to cross you off my list then, I guess.

You can kick them. My list of clientele. If you have a list of kickers who don't finish, I'll be there, you know? You're on the bench. I'm benching you. All right. so we have some stories to talk about and i like the humiliating stories i like the lighter side of things as well so um as we've known if you haven't listened to any of kelsey's past episodes on

either here the honeydew uh where you shit the sephora box or the crab feast where you almost ruined your vagina uh which you've also told on comedy central this is not happening as well um today you have a you've got some stories but it starts with the bikini wax and i just feel bad for i just feel bad for that area you know my pussy an asshole this is like a bad the holes i just did a video i just did a video where i was like there's so many holes down there it's like a mini golf course yeah where i just like i saw that that shit made me laugh so hard a mini golf court oh it's a bad i feel bad i do feel bad for my

nethers but it is what it is um so yeah um my uh i talked about this a little bit on uh the self-helpless podcast that I just recently started doing sugaring. Do you know what sugaring is? So it's basically, it's like a form of wax where they basically take like a ball of sticky sugar and that's what they use to remove the hair. Um, but before that I was doing these at home bikini wax kits. It's like Sally Hansen or whatever.

And a little while back, I used them on my downstairs region. And then I threw the used strips away. And then I ran some errands. And when I came back from the grocery store, I walked in and I heard this really loud, like, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap. I was like, what the fuck is that? And I turned the corner and one of our cats had gone through the garbage can and gotten my used bikini wax strips stuck to his paws, little homeless kitty shoes and was walking around

trying to get them off by like slamming his paw like hitting his paw on the for cats only though so he starts hitting his paws on the ground and i'm like trying to process what's happening i'm like oh my god oh my god i can't like fuck what do i do and before i can grab him to try and get them up he sits down and starts licking oh no his paws to try to like get you're about to get some whole new shitload of offers on this fucking podcast girl you better get ready you better put a filter on your dms like i'm not fucking letting your cat lick my pussy guys sorry it's not gonna happen someone's gonna pay you good money i was so horrified that is awful like if i was a if i had a kid if i

was a mom i mean child protective services like i would be in jail so fast if you came home and your kid had gone through and was doing that still so just the worst watching a cat do it but i like quickly grabbed him and had to get his paws in the sink and get them off but yeah like i uh had a moment in my life of having to watch my cat lick my like say it yeah i wanted to hear how you said it i'm like i don't even want to say it but that's what happened and i you know what are you going to do other than talk about it on a podcast? It's the only way you get through that sort of trauma. That's how it's healthy.

Talk about it and laugh about it. Yeah. I worked for E years ago and I was writing and producing and they sent me out to this wax place called Pink Cheeks in the Valley. And Pink Cheeks got their notoriety in the beginning because they were the place that did the anal bleaching early on with the porn stars. Because there's nothing better than seeing a white butthole when you're in there. Of course. Yeah, game changer. Game changer. Like, oh my gosh, wow. You've taken, what, two poops in your life? Okay.

Which, by the way, I don't know why anybody would want to bleach their fucking butthole like you don't even see it i get it it's i get it if you're on camera you think it's not attractive but it's it's fine buttholes are fine you know yeah that's nobody needs to look like they have like a two-day old butthole right yeah no i don't care about how like i've never like looked at one i've been God damn, it looks like a young butthole. Your butthole looks a lot younger than your age. You know what I mean? I've never said that to a lady.

Butthole, your sphincter back here looks a lot younger than your age. It's like a car where it's like. You take a real good care of this asshole. This is like a new transmission, though. Like I know this is like a 96, but this is like a new transmission. So we had to go do this shoot there. And the lady's like, if you're doing the shoot,

the one thing you have to do is get something waxed while you're here. And I don't care what it is, but you have to go through the process to see what it's like. And my friend Bree, she's working on with me. So she gets like a legit wax or whatever she does. And she's like, you should get your nose waxed. And I was like, that legit wax whatever she does and and she's like you should

get your nose waxed and I was like that's gonna hurt like hell she's like no Ryan it's not gonna hurt at all I'm like that's nose hair it's gonna fucking hurt really bad she's like this is Brie telling me this we're still really good friends and yeah this lady puts the wax up my nose with a little stick like it looked like honey, you know, like real thick. And then she took a gauze pad, and she put it up in my nostril and sealed it in there. And she's like, are you ready? And she says, you know, on three and on one,

she ripped that motherfucker out. Kelsey, I started this eye right here. She ripped it out of this eye. It just poured tears. This was doing nothing. This poured tears this was doing nothing this poured tears poured and i look at brie i'm like that fucking hurt like like nothing i've ever felt my it hurts so fucking bad and she showed me the amount of hair that was i felt like it came up out of my brain and she's like all right let me do the other one i was like no nope this fucking nostrils i did yes i did she said i only had to get one thing done i was like, no, nope. This fucking nostrils. I did. Yes, I did.

She said I only had to get one thing done. I was like, I got one fucking nostril done. It hurts so fucking bad. Like to this day, I remember how bad it was. It it hurt like it felt like somebody went in and just took a razor blade and carved the inside of my goddamn nose. It hurts so fucking bad. And just tears pouring down my fucking face. Immediate. I look like Denzel in Glory, you know, where he stands with that face solid and the tears just pouring down his face.

That's what I look like. It hurts so fucking bad. Well, the pain that if anybody's experienced even just tweezing one nose hair, you tweeze one and you feel like your brain's going to explode. So you do all that at once. Yeah. and you feel like your brain's gonna explode so you do all that at once yeah when steve rinazisi came on um wrist of fury his punishment was that i gotta wax the letter k for kelsey into his chest hair that's hot actually and it was it's one of my favorite moments of the whole show yeah and i did the whole like one two three and just i just on one so mad i remember one time this was embarrassing.

I waxed my chest. I took like Nair or whatever it was. And that stuff smells like poison. You know, it's awful. You Nair'd it? I think I did. I Nair'd my whole chest. And I'm not like a hairy dude, but just looking at my bare chest, I was like, God, the tiny bit of hair i have really looks way better than

this bare fucking chest and yeah and what i didn't think about or even equate is that when it started growing back in it itched like crazy and one time i'm in right aid and i'm i'm high i just smoked the joint i'm in right aid waiting on a prescription and it was like seriously like a blood pressure prescription it was nothing but i'm standing a blood pressure prescription. It was nothing. But I'm standing in line, high, zoning out, minding my own business, not paying attention to what I'm doing. But I've got my hand up my shirt. And I don't realize it for like, seriously, like 30 seconds. And I am digging at my skin, just scratching in line.

And everyone starts turning around looking at me like, are you here? Like they wonder if I have crabs or whatever. I started thinking like, my god i'm just digging like a crackhead like heroin addict just across my chest people start to get away from me a little bit and then i was like oh my god i just realized what i'm doing yeah i don't wax pig pen and i'll shave people i'll do my manscape i'll manscape you got a manscape a little bit. That's nice. You don't wax down there.

You'll trim it up. I've done. I've shaved. And when I've shaved, I've either gone against the grain or it's summer and it's hot and I get those red bumps everywhere. Oh, yeah. No go. If someone saw it, they'd be like, you've got an STD of epic proportions right now. And I'm like, nah, I shaved it.

So you think this would look good. I shaved it. Because that's the old porn trick for guys. If you shave the hair off your dick a little bit. Guys, if you don't know this, you shave the hair back to the, all the way back to the shaft, you get an extra inch and a half out of your dick. You know what I mean? It makes it visually

look bigger. Absolutely. That's all. Depending on what like that situation is, if a dude's super hairy super hairy yeah like you take it back to the fucking base yeah take it back to the base give a little crew cut down there finish up the balls i you know whatever if you want to get off in your asshole go ahead i don't blame anybody for getting it cleaning that ass out for some reason i just pictured somebody having like a bowl cut down there like it just curves around. That's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to bowl cut my balls, Kelsey.

Ladies, ladies. Any of y'all want to see some bowl cut hair on my balls, let me know. I'm for sale. Coming out of this quarantine hot and ready. Through 2020, all right? 2021, I think we're going to be getting back to some normalcy here. Oh, my God. So, yeah, that's the bikini wax story let's take a quick break and tell you about our sponsor omax cryo freeze living with chronic pain is the worst it's more than a feeling of discomfort it can affect your entire life i know many of my listeners probably have some type of

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vpn.com slash honeydew now let's get back into the do well i know you have another i know you suffer from ibs obviously you wouldn't be shitting in sephora boxes if you could control yourself all the time so right what is that like for you? So I know you said you had another incident. Yeah. Um, I mean, quarantine has been rough. The whole like toilet paper gate when things were out, you, I mean, you know, my, my butthole, it's like, I can't be gambling like that. I can't risk a timeframe where I'm at home with no TP. And so we ran out of toilet paper and then we ran out of Kleenex and I was

like, okay okay it's getting dicey so I mean literally you shouldn't be using Kleenex in your butthole anyways the thinnest goddamn tissue is so thin you know what I did I ordered baby wipes oh yeah right away I stacked because the toilet paper was gone on Amazon you couldn't go into the stores and I was like I'll just get I use baby wipes anyway. I prefer to think I have the cleanest butthole in comedy. I bought a box of a case of those fucking things.

I've been hitting the baby wipes but there was a period of time where we didn't have toilet paper, running out of Kleenex, no baby wipes. I went on a custodial website and ordered a giant quantity

of... Even they didn't have toilet paper, but just a big box of 16 Kleenex boxes. What they would use to supply a classroom. I was a fucking... I was a janitor. I was just like, sorry. I can't

find anything else. I had to go the custodial website route. Okay, so this story, this is from literally 15 years ago. This is like a high school because I've been having the IBS issues for a really long time. But can I just say this too, especially for somebody with IBS. And every now and then too, I don't have IBS, but it'll hit me. It'll hit me and I'm like, I don't have IBS, but it'll hit me. It'll hit me, and I'm like, pfft. And right now, during this quarantine, we can't just go into a restaurant and use the toilet.

You know what I mean? It's been difficult to be out and about doing something and be like, oh, my God. Because you can't just pull into a fast food joint or anywhere and go to the fucking toilet. You can't. I go on walks in the morning with Delaney and Taylor because I live near them and sometimes I'll make a smoothie with a little

too much flaxseed powder, drink some dandelion root tea, all this stuff that makes shit happen literally and I'll get a few blocks away on our walk and I'm like I gotta bail out right now you guys. I'm sorry. I gotta I gotta head back. that's the only bathroom i have access to is my own and so like

the further i get it's that's listen there are a lot of people out there right now going through the same thing the only bathrooms we really have access to are our own and man i found some uh toilet paper i got all excited i ran into a 7-eleven my daughter wasn't feeling well and i ran in to get something and i found toilet paper and i was like oh my god and i bought like three rolls of it let me tell you something it wipes like 7-eleven toilet paper you know i mean like it is it's terrible it's not even one ply it's like half ply it's so fucking bad it's terrible yes that's that's what we're working through right now is like a couple last rolls of one that you couldn't tell when you bought it at

the store that it was that thin it's like the what they used to blot oil on girls it's literally like see-through like wax paper see-through it is definitely see-through yeah poor asshole it's terrible um okay so have you heard of Hoop Fest? Hoop Fest? Yeah. Okay, so I'm born and raised in... I thought you said Poop Fest at first. Well, that's what it turned into. It's a little foreshadowing, I'm sure. So I'm born and raised in Spokane, Washington, and Spokane every summer hosts the world's largest three-on-three street basketball tournament. Oh, wow. Okay.

host the world's largest three-on-three street basketball tournament. Oh, wow. Okay. So they turn the whole city, the whole downtown for miles. Every street is transformed into half basketball courts. That's cool. I didn't know they did this up there. Yeah.

I know Bumbershoot for Seattle, but I didn't know about HootFest. HootFest, it's amazing. So people come from all over the world for this, and I've played in, God, probably like 10 or 15 years at least. I started playing when I was in fourth grade. Wow. You're good at basketball too? Yeah. I mean, if you throw me in an actual game right now, I'm probably going to die.

But I'm a good shooter. I used to be my little brag. I used to be my high school's three-point shooting representative for competitions. Oh, yeah? Fuck yeah, girl. Hitting from a distance. But I mean, now, probably full court, I'd be shit. So I was playing in Hoop Fest, and I had had a slumber party the night before with my teammates and didn't sleep very well, woke up the next morning, and her mom friend's mom made eggs and I don't know if eggs hit you like this but I feel like eggs are a little bit of like a wild card where if they're not like fully cooked through or I was gonna say scrambled no problem but I like

them over easy and yeah that can be a problem sometimes exactly like eggs are a gamble so um i ate eggs and then we we get down to our court to start a hoot fest and when that happens it's like the streets are full of people there's people everywhere it's spokane summer so it's like 95 degrees just heat radiating off of asphalt and i started to feel you know like the the gurgles like the ibs gurgles. And so I was like, fuck, this isn't good. I had a game in like, I don't know, like 45 minutes or something like that. We got there early to warm up.

And I started having gurgles and I was trying to just casually let a fart out, let something alleviate something. And as I was sitting on the sidewalk waiting for the game to start, I pushed to fart and nah you sharted at who I sharted at the world's largest three and three street basketball and I knew it yeah right yeah so now let's talk about the escape plan here. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

And I stood up and did you stop it right away? Like you got some came out, but you stopped it. Yeah. I mean, I didn't like shit my pants. Right. I sharted, you know, it's like the in-between where it's like I for sure something just came out of me. But like I could clench back up but i was like so i i got up and i was like i'd lost all color in my face and my friends were like where are you going i was like i have to find a bathroom i'll be right back and with all these people in spokane all you have are public restrooms and porta potties and the lines are like a mile long.

Picture any sort of like music festival. I've been to Preakness where they wait in lines for the spot a pot like that and is 20, 30 deep. Yes. So I am doing the fucking craziest waddle walk like my like I'm trying to like keep my ass together and like waddle myself to. I found a red robin. And I go into the bathroom. I'm standing there in line knowing that there's shit in my pants. This is the worst.

I hate every second of this. And I get in and I look down. I'm like, okay. I started. I call my mom and I'm like, I need you to, before you leave the house, I need you to bring me a new pair of underwear because I had it, like I had an accident. Somebody's going to pay good money for this pair. Oh man. I, yeah.

Some, some. There's a market out there, Kelsey. Really specific. There's a market out there. Would have loved that. I just told my mom, I was like, I, like I had an accident. I don't want to get into details, but like but I need you to bring me a new pair of underwear and a new pair of shorts to the Red Robin on Main Street.

She's like, okay. Meanwhile, it takes my mom like 30 minutes to get there. And this Red Robin only has three stalls and there's a line of people and they keep banging on the door. And they're like, what are you? There's people waiting. I'm like, I had an emergency. I'm sorry, but you can't come in everybody's being super pissed it's just the

worst time to like fully occupy one of three stalls for 30 minutes finally my mom comes in she like lifts a bag over the top of the stall for me and in there there's a new pair of underwear and then like six tampons oh your mom's nice she thought i had like a period accident and i'm like no i'm gonna put one of these in my asshole i know where this is going this is not for the hole you think it is and um i was able to like get back out and like make it back to the game before it started but um i mean that could have also been like a great defensive strategy if i like hadn't been able to change my underwear just like be the person that literally nobody can guard and back them down the lane with your ass like actual human

shit and we are not going to be anywhere near her so um that's the time i started at the world's largest three on three street basketball tournament. Ah, that is terrible. That's terrible. So much happened before the Sephora box story in my life with shitting. How do you, like, what's the one thing you know you cannot fuck with? Like, food-wise? Like, for me, again, I don't have IBS ibs but i do a couple things get me if i as a matter of fact i was in seattle um one time my daughter's mother's family lives up there and i i think i go to the bathroom daily okay for me not to poop at least once a day is super rare but anytime i'm

clogged up i go get mcdonald's and it's before I finish that fucking cheeseburger it makes me poop like I can feel the grease really boom it just lubricates me completely but I can't fuck anymore cheese I can still dabble with especially mozzarella and all that but if you give me any kind of cream sauce it's fucking over and I know. Alfredo or any kind of cream, heavy whipped cream, whipping cream, whatever. It is like I have to go before you're coming back and asking for another drink or anything. Like it's like it hits me immediately. Yeah. Yeah.

So I I'm the exact same way. Any sort of dairy, like a soft cheese like that like a cream cheese oh fucks me up and like a see that doesn't bother the cream cheese doesn't get me but those those yeah anything with heavy cream in it man it wrecks me yeah um anything is really spicy like i love mexican food and i can't stop eating mexican food and some of my friends have been like i don't know that you have ibs so much as like you eat five burritos a week and like that's going to make you shit your pants. Like that's not an IBS thing. That's just like you shouldn't be eating that much Mexican food. By the way, did you see like the Tapatio thing that's happening? Yes, I did. I

love it. So you're talking about that you have night pants made. So I bought, for your listeners who didn't see on Instagram, I bought a hat, like a sun hat off of Amazon. And the picture, of course, on Amazon makes this chick look like she's like ready for the runway. So cute, so fashionable. I put it on, it legit looks like I poked my head through a tortilla. Like just giant circumference that looks horrible. And then people started sending me,

a dude, Photoshop my face onto the Tapatio bottle. And now I am making merch. That is that picture. But instead of Tapatio, it says Kelsey Ente. And instead of sell your own hot sauce, we're working on it.

We're working on it right now. You got to sell your own hot sauce. I got, I have good on you, girl. I think that looks good on it. We're working on it. Here, we're bringing it up right now. You got to sell your own hot sauce. I got... There you are. That hat looks good on you, girl. I think the hat looks good on you. Thank you. You're very nice. But it looks...

I mean, it's a bit of a hot sauce. Josh Potter right there. I'm telling you, it's working. He commented right on it too. Yeah. Yeah. So... So you're about to have your own hot sauce?

Keep your eye out for that, everybody. At KelseyCook.com or KelseyCookComedy on Instagram. I'm about to sell these Tapatio shirts and stickers so you can stick them on your own labels. But anyway. Can I share a short story with you? Please. Please. I'll give you one, too.

So it goes from a high high to immediate low low, right? Okay. So I'm at the airport flying back to baltimore and i see one of my childhood idols eddie murray from the orioles sitting okay at the gate and i'm like you gotta be fucking kidding me like this dude before cal ripken was everything 33 switch hitter like the fro the fucking wristbands like eddie murray was the shit the hero everybody loved 33 and um i see him sitting there and i'm like oh my gosh my chance to go talk to him you know and i'm about to walk over and this father and son sit down and start talking to him like i'm not gonna go now you

know i don't want to be okay but they get up and there's still about 15 minutes left before i fly and there's one seat next to him and it's packed. And I walk over and I sit down and I'm like, what's up 33? And he's like, Hey, how you doing? You know, we start talking and I'm like, you're my favorite oral, you know, I'm from Baltimore. And he's like, not cow. And I'm like, you were there before cow.

Like, it's like one a and one B, you know what I mean? Like, and, um, so we start shooting the shit. We start talking about crabs. How much, cause I know from reading up on him that he loves crabs. He's an L.A. guy, but he spent so much time in Maryland. And he's flying back to Baltimore on a flight. It's a different flight because at the time they were retiring several Orioles numbers. And he was among the group, and that group supported each other every time they did it.

So he's been flying back and forth. And he's talking about how he can't wait to eat crabs. And I'm like, dude, I get the Dungeness down in Chinatown live and I steam them up. He's like, what? And we start talking crab, crab, crab. He's telling me that his doctors made him do this whole like treadmill test because his cholesterol was through the roof. And then he was like, oh, I've been eating crabs in Maryland like every day for a week. And they're they're like oh that's that's what it is that's what's elevating your numbers right now they thought he was dying like that yeah oh my god but he's eating them like i eat them you know what i mean like crazy yeah so i land i literally get the rental car and i drive right to a crab house to meet my brother, my cousin, and a couple friends. And one friend comes in a few minutes late, and he walks in, and he's like,

Eddie Murray, I can't believe it. And I go, how the fuck do you know that I saw Eddie Murray today at the airport and talked to him? I haven't talked to him at all. He goes, what are you talking about? Eddie Murray's leaving the restaurant right now, driving out of the parking lot. So we go over. Eddie Murray is in the same crab crab house i am eating crabs we just talked about and he leaves okay but every now and then i haven't forgot where this is going

you get a little bit of i know you have you get a little bit of crab that has like this this water in it like it'll be just that's not full of meat it's a little juicy from the steam and everything and that fucks my stomach up okay okay so i have to take a leak i go in the bathroom to pee and i push a little too hard peeing and i shart myself okay and i'm like fuck and you know i've got clothes in the car everything i got my whole suitcase out there but i there's there's enough shit in my pants where i'm like this isn't happening so i sit down and I get clean, you know,

I clean myself as much as I can. And then I go sit back down. My brother's like, what the hell happened in there? I was like, I shit myself. I was peeing and I shit myself a little bit. And he's like,

and you're sitting here eating crabs. I was like, that's how much I fucking love crabs, bro. Got another dozen sat there with shit in my pants in a public restaurant. And ate it. And then went home and showered and cleaned up so yeah don't worry about don't worry about the hoop fest all right i'm over there i'm sitting

there i'm not passing up on good crabs they were good crabs if they weren't good crabs i'd be like i'm out of here guys i shit myself but i was like no i'm shitting myself and sitting next to you and we're gonna have some more so yeah there's so many parts to that feel good about yourself you went and sat in a chair in a restaurant with shit in your pants i cleaned it up it was a shart you know it was shit stains for certain yeah for certain i sat right there and and continued eating crabs you know i've like been missing eating in restaurants during quarantine and this story i'm like oh i'm so glad that i'm not risking sitting in somebody's that's my number one i haven't had sushi like i love seafood i haven't had suit this is the longest i've gone without sushi since birth till the first time i

fucking had it like this is the second longest time more than bars except for stand-up stand-up's the thing i missed the most, but restaurants are number two. Restaurants and sporting events. I would love... Man, we had tickets eight rows off the court the Sunday. They canceled the NBA season on a Thursday night, and we had tickets

eight rows off the court on Sunday, and I was like, I miss sports. I miss bars I miss just being able to go do anything out in public with people or just poop at a restaurant when it comes on I miss it

I miss your dirty toilets you're a savage you shit your pants and you're like it wasn't like logs I mean let's be clear it was liquid but I did shit my pants and I did still sit there and eat. I did. I'm admitting it publicly.

But shit is shit is shit. It is. Like, once it's outside of your body. Yeah. I don't care how solid or liquid. It's, you know. It's shit. Yeah.

It's shit. But, hey. But it was a wood chair. You know what I mean? It was a wooden chair. You know those kind of restaurants. I don't think shit sticks to wood. Pretty sure.

Okay, Bill Nye. It wasn't Pretty sure. Okay, Bill Nye. It wasn't a claw. Okay, Bill Nye. Whatever you have to tell yourself. He's the science guy. I'm the shit guy. You know what I'm saying? Alright, speaking of bars and stuff, you said you had a drunk story you wanted to share with us.

Oh, yeah. Can't get over that copper eyeshadow, girl. When you look down, I'm telling you. Popping. Look at it. You're're so nice for any of your listeners who um are into makeup i am about to release an actual like online makeup course like a for real like teaching instructional teaching people how to do their makeup so because again it's like not that i need any notes but i'll tune in you'll tune in i'm sure i'll pick up some stuff i got nothing but time so it's like not that I need any notes but I'll tune in you'll tune in I'm sure I'll pick up some stuff I got nothing but time so it's just turned into foot videos and like

top of to merch and makeup courses that's what my life is now so anyway tune in if you want that but um so I think it was on the crab feast I shared the story of me getting alcohol poisoning on my 22nd birthday and that was that whole big ordeal maybe it was a long time ago yeah so tell me anyway um but that just during that period of my life which i think is pretty common for most people like 21 22 you're having all of like the craziest drunk stories because you're learning how your body handles alcohol. And like, you don't really know your limits yet and stuff like that. So I went back home. It was like winter break, maybe I think like sophomore year of college or junior year of college. I went back home and my friends threw an ugly Christmas sweater party. So I went and got completely, I mean, blacked out. I was completely annihilated.

And my mom had to pick me up because I was, like, back at home in Sheeny, Washington. And my mom picked me up, brought me back home, put me in my bed. And I'm, like, sleeping in my childhood bed. And I wake up the next morning. bed and I wake up the next morning and um my comforter all in front of the comforter around me had this like it was like clear crunchy substance like covering the the comforter and I was like what the fuck is this this is so weird and then I realized I had um a really stuffy nose so I was like getting over a cold and I went to reach for some Kleenex and I realized they didn't have any Kleenex and then I looked at the comforter and I had this like flash of a memory come back from like

three in the morning where I had to blow my nose and there wasn't any Kleenex. And in my drunk mind, I just looked at the comforter, this mini mouse comforter, and was like, it's like a big Kleenex. And I just pulled it up and blew my nose. I shouldn't be saying,

oh, after I sat in my own shit. Yeah, you just shit your pants. Shut the fuck up. I'm so hypocritical. Either be on my team or don't be on my team. I'm on your team, goddamn. I'm on your shitty team. Don't you bring me on the show

and go, okay, you got some stories about yourself where you look like a real fucking nightmare and then I share it and you're like, ew, gross. So I just blew my nose into my comforter, and then I just slept. And I woke up, and sweet little Minnie Mouse just had fried snot covering her face.

Poor Minnie. I was like, well, this is a new low. And you almost got alcohol poisoning? You actually did get it? No, that was my 22nd birthday. I was just saying that like around that time in my life was a lot of just drinking too much and not understanding really like the consequences of of what can happen to your body when you do that. So, yeah. Poor Kelsey. poor Kelsey it's so weird because I feel like there's this

part of my personality that is you know so into like makeup and trying to look you know really put together feminine and every time I come on your shows it is only the worst shit filled snot

what did I do wrong to my pussy I'm like an old pirate old pirate oh it's a weird side listen here's the good news you're married you're taken you don't have to worry about impressing these guys out there anymore yeah it's a wrap i don't you know you don't have to worry about impressing these fucking guys anymore yeah like you cannot offer foot videos or not either way it's like i think of all the things foot videos is the cleanest easiest thing to do as long as there's no you know weirdness going on i mean not that that's not yeah my friend hannah said i should like take

a bottle of lotion and do like a squirt of white on each foot to make it look like an after shot for them and just kind of like create a simulation you should yeah or just spit on them or something you know just whatever blow your nose on them blow your nose on them blow your nose all over your feet you'll be you'll be rolling in the money girl boy did you know that snot porn is a thing come on have we talked about snot porn before no we haven't you can tell me in a second but however i'm not surprised that everything is a thing for porn like pregnancy someone just told me the other day that pregnancy porn is their thing they watch pregnant women and get off to that like i had a friend i had a friend stephanie who was pregnant when i worked with her and she's a little black girl but she was one of those pregnant girls that's all belly. Okay, yeah.

So when you saw her from the back, you had no idea she was pregnant. And my daughter's mother was that way, too. So she's like, Ryan, I was walking today at lunch, and this guy whistled at me. And I turned slowly to the side, because she's like eight and a half months pregnant. And he went, that's my shit. And she was like, what? And he loved it. He just rock hard.

And then I bring that story up, and there are men out there that just, that's their shit, that you can have their seed. You know what I mean? And they don't care that that baby in your belly isn't theirs. They're attracted to you because you can reproduce and you can give life. And that's their shit. You know, I've seen pregnant prostitutes in Baltimore on the street. I've seen them.

And there's plenty of pregnancy porn, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who was it just telling me the other day? And they love it. That's their thing. Like, the bigger, the better. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Interesting. Like, when my daughter's mother was pregnant i was super attracted to her i a lot of guys aren't but oh my god your skin glows and your boobs are so big and juicy yeah just you you're full literally full of life i found it so attractive yeah but i mean but i don't look at another woman and feel that way because that's but i felt that way about her because she was carrying my child not any child you know what i mean totally that makes complete sense to me that it would be attractive to for you to be attracted to her like yeah but like random people but what's snot porn we haven't talked about snot porn on here now you believe it maybe i brought it up on Dr. Drew. But, you know, this is something that Jim – was it on Jim and Sam? Yeah, so Jim Norton, who I opened for on the road for years,

I went on Jim and Sam's show on SiriusXM, and they pulled up clips of snot porn. And I didn't know that that was a thing, but some people get off. And these videos are like it's so hard for me to even say because it's the most disgusting thing you'll hear like women hawking loogies into like men's open mouths that

Jesus Christ just loogies like that or like just like pushing the finger and just like shooting snot on dudes naked body while they're just like jer just, like, pushing the finger and just, like, shooting snot on a dude's naked body while they're just, like, jerking off. Like, they love it. What the fuck? They love it.

I'm going to have to look it up now just to see it. I've never seen that. Oh, well, you can't unsee it. I mean, careful, because it will haunt your dreams. I have a friend of mine who, she had a slave um and it was this older guy and here's a sex slave no here's here's what's crazy this is what i thought too this is what i thought too it's it was sexual for him but they didn't have sex and that's what i mean by not a sex slave so um okay yeah she didn't just have a regular slave around the house

it was yeah you're right about that uh it was sexual but they didn't have sex so she's a younger girl at the time in college in her 20s or whatever and this is an old guy in his 70s and he happened to be a football coach at a prominent school and um i was like oh does he get off on since he's always running the show telling everybody what to do does he get off on you know you telling him what to do and she said no i go what how did he get this fetish so what happened was he met her and um he would want her to use him. And he's like, use me, use me. And he was like, I don't care what it is.

I'll go get groceries for you at three in the morning. And he lived like an hour, hour and a half away from her. And she just felt bad about it. But he was like, listen, you're not using me enough. I'm going to have to find someone else. And then she was like, all right, motherfucker, go go to 7-eleven and get me a blueberry slurpee and bring that shit to me and he lived an hour and a half away and he and also she knew that blueberry slurpees were out of season at the time he went to five 7-elevens and came

and brought her a blueberry slurpee you mean literally came or you're saying he came to her delivered delivered sorry that made it sound like he was like we're gonna get to that yeah we're gonna get okay okay but he also would want to come up she would have girlfriends over to party and he would want to come over and be humiliated by all of them he would allow this guy's in his 70s he would let them kick him he would let them treat him like shit they would tell him get over on all fours and just stay like a table for two hours and he would just be there staying like a table while they just partied and did whatever and then they go over and kick him and shit like that and he would love it he'd like more please more please so she said one night they all had a party and he was laying on his back and they were doing we talked about earlier they were stomping his fucking nuts not again this was sexual for him she didn't take off none of these girls did he just wanted to be used

and mistreated okay and she said it all changed for her because she was stomping with boots on jean he's wearing jeans and all of a sudden his eyes opened up and he just had this smile on his face like ah and he came he came from and she like, that's the moment I realized that this is full-on sexual, not just being used. And I don't know how he came because we are stomping his fucking balls. The dude nuts and had this glossy, like, loved it. So she asked him finally, like, is it because you dominate in your field and you want to be dominated?

And he said, no. The first time he ever had sex with a woman, she laughed and pointed and humiliated him about how little his dick was and shit all over him. And now he can only get off by being mistreated and misused like that. Fucking nuts. That's how easy that is for that to start and then it stays like that for the rest of that dude's life? Yeah, for him it did.

To the point where he would get young girls and pay them handsomely to just treat them like shit. Not fuck them, nothing. That was the only time she said it ever became she ever witnessed it be sexual because she's like, oh, you just came from that.

Like, I'm kicking you in the fucking balls. And again, if you stop, if you curb stop my nuts right now, the last thing I'm going to do is come. It's not going to happen. I'm going to be begging for help, you know, not keep going. Wow. Wow. People in their fetishes.

Yeah. Trauma is so interesting how that can connect to sex in that way wow what the fuck what the fuck all right i know you have a show you have to get doing can you tell us about being fired through a text real quick yeah i sure can. So again, this was when I was in college. I, one night after being, I think I was out of the bars and there's a guy, we'd been kind of talking and flirting and I finally went back to his place to hook up with him. But he had some roommates and I left my phone downstairs while I went upstairs with him. And this was back, I think I had like a flip phone. There's like no, you know, whatever security on it. Um, at the time I worked, um, part time for like an ESPN, you affiliate, they were doing this college program where college kids would go interview athletes at the college.

I got to like interview Kareem Abdul-Jabbar at one point. It was really cool. So I like, I really liked having this job and it was, it was a cool thing. And the day after I hooked up with that guy, I got a text from my boss, like the guy who was in charge of this ESPN program thing. I got a text from him that said, hey, I need to speak with you. And you need to call me like immediately.

And I called him and I was like, hey, like what's going on? It sounds like, like, did I do something wrong? And he's like, I need to talk about the text that you sent me last night. Oh no. And I was like, I didn't, i don't know what you're talking about and he's like oh really he's like well um i texted you asking if you were able to do the assignment we talked about and you sent a text back that said

sorry i'm getting laid right now All those dudes grabbed your phone down there. Oh, no. They ratted you out, huh? Why should that cost you a job? I mean, Jesus Christ. Just give me a few minutes. Give me a fucking promotion, man. I'm out here doing work. I'm out here doing the Lord's work.

Doing the Lord's work. Oh, no. They took your phone and texted back can you i mean can you imagine that because that my boss really thought that it was me who sent that can you imagine texting you know one of your employees hey can you let me know where and i've been i've been like a star employee like nothing nothing weird had happened and then all of a sudden randomly my response is sorry i'm getting laid right now he was like what i can't imagine i know you're so sweet and nice to see that like now i'm getting fucked right now i'll hit you back in 30 you know i can't and you lost your job because of those dudes uh it was i think think he kind of like, at that point,

felt like he couldn't trust me professionally anymore in that way. Like, that I would even like let. You responded and said, yo, give me a minute. I got your text. I'm acknowledging you, but I'm getting laid right now. And I'll get back to you. Someone's inside of me. Can you give me a fucking second?

Jeez. Oh, that sucks. Yeah. side of me can you give me a fucking second jeez yeah so it my work with them I think ended pretty shortly after that it wasn't like a direct termination from that but it was like within a couple weeks of that it just kind of I think was like okay this is and I was also so humiliated to like continue speaking

I'm sure but yeah it was it was bad I was so I told his friends I was also so humiliated to continue speaking to that boss. I'm sure. But yeah, it was bad. I told his friends, I was like, I know you thought you were doing some funny prank and you thought maybe that was just a friend of mine. That was my fucking boss. And they were like, oh shit, sorry. This is just like drunk college dudes just fucking around.

But yeah, so that was sent to my boss. Sorry, I'm getting laid right now. Yeah. Oh, you are the best. I absolutely fucking love you, girl.

I love you too. Right. So I know you got to go. So let's, let's get you out of here, but thank you for coming on and please plug, promote anything one more time, whatever you'd like. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me back my instagram is at kelsey cook comedy my website

is kelseycook.com twitter is kelsey cook go listen to the self-helpless podcast and go watch a risk of fury on youtube ryan's episode is fantastic and buy some of that tapatio kelsey ente merch because it's coming soon. Yeah, get that Tapatio. That's what I got working for me right now is that and the Makeup and Foot videos. You got to make some butthole-friendly hot sauce. That should be your line. You know what I mean?

That exists if that's even possible. Thank you for coming on. You're the shit, no pun intended. You're welcome anytime. And I hope to, God damn, I hope to see you soon sometime. Jesus Christ.

I know. It sucks. It's nice to see you on Zoom though, at least. You too. Thank you for being my first ever Zoom interview. I do appreciate it. And for all you out there,

please go subscribe to my YouTube page. You can click on the link right here at the end or find it in the description, youtube.com slash rsickler, ry at the end or find it in the description. YouTube.com slash rsickler, ryansickler.com on all social media. Ryan Sickler, we'll talk to y'all next week. Bye.