The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Kira Soltanovich

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

Happy Memorial Day! My #HoneyDew this week is Kira Soltanovich! Kira shares a story about the month of December, 2009. It’s a story of strength and love and naps on the freeway. Kira is as strong as she is funny and I’m grateful she shared her story! Subscribe, download & review! theHoneyDewpodcast.com

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media. RyanSickler.com Happy Memorial Day. I'm going to hit all the cameras on that one. Happy Memorial Day out there. It's a Monday.

Happy Memorial Day. I want to give you guys some dates. June 13th through the 15th I'll be in Richmond, Maryland and Atlantic City with Tom Segura. June 27th through the 30th also with Tom Segura in Tulsa, Wichita and Kansas City. August 1st through the 30th also with tom sagora in tulsa wichita and kansas city um august 1st through the 3rd i'm at the house of comedy in minnesota and i'm in baltimore

in september and as i always say thank you for the positive feedback the emails the messages i really appreciate it um i'm glad this show is resonating with a lot of you and please make sure you're subscribed make sure you're subscribed. Make sure you're subscribed to your Mom's House YouTube page as well. Get on it. You get the video every Tuesday. Website here, thehoneydopodcast.com. That's where you can find the merch.

That's where you can find all the social media links. That's where you can email me. And if you are new to the do, we're highlighting the lowlights over here. These are the stories behind the storytellers. And today, my storyteller is one of my favorite people. Please welcome Kira Soltanovich. I love the way you say it. You love it?

I love it. You love it? With that Baltimore accent. I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here. Look, you've had a couple of fantastic Crab Feast episodes. Yeah. Which have covered a lot of your life. And I always reach out to everybody just so you know, before they come on and say, give me a log line, just a, you know, my parents' divorce, a car accident, a near death, whatever it is that

you want to talk about. And I knew you would come correct. And before we get to that okay would you please plug promote anything you'd like anyone to know about you okay uh curacomedy.com was hacked it is no longer hacked what do you mean who how what happened too bad japanese dildo makers it's not gonna work out for you guys i figured it out i don't know what happened what was the hack what did they do so i i uh again i'm an idiot i can barely work a microwave so i don't know how the whole web works but i do know i'm with go daddy to host right okay so somebody logged in as me and uh was like what about black dildos and they just just took over my whole. It really was dildos? It looked like it to me.

Maybe it was cooking supplies. I don't know. But it was. I also don't know how to cook. So it was aggressive and frightening. And it's no longer hacked. So I'm back. Go to KiraComedy.com.

All right. KiraComedy.com. That's me. And that's also my Instagram. And that's also my Twitter. And any shows. Four Square. What's going on? Yeah. I have some. When's this coming out? And that's also my Instagram, and that's also my Twitter. Any shows. Foursquare. What's going on?

Yeah, I have some. When's this coming out? Memorial Day? Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day. Oh, hey, yay. Oh, it's my wedding anniversary. Today?

Well, May 24th. It just happened. All right, well, happy anniversary. Look at that. I don't know what day it is. We're recording this in 2017, so I don't know. day it is we're recording this in 2017 so i don't know for a 2020 2020 post good um yeah i have some shows go to cure comedy all right get some show dates you'll find some uh japanese sex toys and you know info about me very nice all right um well All right. Well, you told me you had a story that I've never heard before.

I don't think so. No. Okay. You know what the show is all about. Okay. This one? Yeah. Okay.

All right. So my husband and I, speaking of wedding anniversaries, we got married in 2008. I think. Yes. I'm pretty sure. 11 years. Yes, 11 years. So we were talking about starting a family, right? So in like 2009, I wanted to be married for at least a year, right?

We talked about it. We didn't do anything like serious. We didn't go talk to doctors. We didn't think anything was wrong, right? So we just started you know casually as my friends say it married people sex yeah yeah we were doing but i wasn't tracking anything i wasn't being serious about it uh all of a sudden i miss a period so i was like well i'm gonna go pee on a stick right i'm gonna treat myself nice i'm gonna get one from cvs right not like a walgreens bullshit you know what i mean so uh this isn't a right aid

pregnancy right we're gonna walgreens does seem to be the low man i don't know what they're still doing are you guys still around walgreens is the honeydew of the goddamn drugstores. It is. It is. It's like CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreens. Remember Woolworths? I do remember Woolworths. I do remember Woolworths, too. We're old. So I go, I get a test, and I'm like, holy shit. And I go get 25 more.

And I just, I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. So I decide. Are you thinking there's like maybe this first one is a mistake? Yeah, because the first time I actually pooped on it and it came out positive. So I was like, am I doing it wrong? It came out positive. Read the instructions is all I'm saying.

If anyone out there, just read the back of the box. It just takes a second. That's not how you. All right. So stick number two, you um but number three is the one that convinced you you're actually pregnant look if i was doing a montage in a movie it's like me spitting on it and then me rubbing it under my armpit because i'm an idiot no i peed on them and i was like all right so i wanted to surprise my husband so i was like okay and we decided to go wanted to surprise my husband. So I was like, okay. And we decided to go take a hike, right?

Because we got some great hikes in LA. I go up Runyon Canyon. I have this pee stick in my jacket pocket. Is it wrapped in anything? I wrapped it in some paper towels. Oh, yeah, class. It's not soaking. It's not. I mean, it's dry, right?

Well, I asked because a friend of mine, his wife did this really nice, like put it in like a watch box and all this shit and surprised them with it. That's why I was like, right. Is there going to be a presentation or are you just rolling it out of a brawny? I had it in a brawny. I didn't know it was my first time doing this. So I take it to, I take him to the top of this mountain and it was like my version of a proposal.

I was like, do I do it now? Do I get down on one knee? And, uh, I said something corny and I showed it to him and he was like, version of a proposal. I was like, do I do it now? Do I get down on one knee? And, uh, I said something corny and I showed it to him. And he was like, both of us were like, completely not excited. Are you serious?

I don't know. We were like, like you just said no on the jumbo trough. It wasn't exactly. It wasn like. Like you just said no on the Jumbotron. It wasn't. Exactly. It wasn't what you think it should be. It was not what you think it should be. Like you think it's going to be like we embrace and we kiss and we're starting a family together and I start breastfeeding the positive T test. It was not that.

We were both like all of a sudden it hit us and we were like, fuck. So you start to do all the like oh i gotta find a doctor now i hated my ob-gyn at the time what he said do you remember honestly he was like okay it was i mean we were we were kind of excited and happy but you just hit him right at the top all right what do you think about three miles we're pregnant holy yeah you better get in shape old man you're gonna have to chase a toddler around yeah that was my way of telling you at the top of a mountain so uh i start looking up like new doctors i hated my ob-gyn i hated her so much my last appointment with her

i sat on that fucking butcher paper i'm not exaggerating an hour and a half come on an hour and a half with just that little butcher paper lunch and shit ryan sickler that's your name right i got out of the hallway i wrapped it like a towel. I did. I started walking up and down the hallway, and I knock on every door. And I open up a door. She's at her desk eating a sandwich. She really was. She really was. I can't believe you said that.

She's at her desk like mid-sandwich. And I was like, you better wash those hands. It's medicine of fall. I'll be there in a minute. You know how big these things can be. I got a side salad. And I just looked at her it and i go i really like we're all hungry i'm hungry too i've been in there 90 fucking minutes 90 minutes i missed door dash three times so i knew i had to um i knew i had to find a new doctor i

found a fancy schmancy doctor in beverly hills so what i was told you have to do is you have to uh go and like meet them first right so i go in and uh he's world renowned like this is like who heidi klum you know spreads her legs for you know i'm like she she puts her feet in stirrups for him and uh he has seen all of them right and uh so he says well what you know when's your last period right they go over all the things how are you feeling this and this and then he goes you know my my appointment just canceled this is a guy that's impossible to nail down he goes do you want to go do a quick ultrasound like he was so excited about it and it's like one of those big long i don't know if you remember with with your oh yeah it's a it's a it's like one of those big, long, I don't know if you remember with your. Oh, yeah. It's a weapon, right?

It's made out of that glass from Game of Thrones. Dragon glass. Yeah, it's a dragon glass. And it's long. And he goes, because you're so early on, I have to do a transvaginal, right? So he goes in. Everything that they do to you guys in those rooms just makes you feel less and less like a man. Just so you know.

I felt pretty, but that's fine. You did. I did. For you. less and less like a man just so you know i felt pretty but that's fine you did i did for you yeah i'm just like well i don't need to be here like there's nothing i can even do there's no my part is done if you're pregnant yeah my part's done until it's time for me to other than be there for you and help you you're carrying a fucking human pay for parking yeah yeah i got the car yeah i carry it everything it's like my husband was like we were having a threesome and my husband was fully dressed and everyone else is he's just standing he's just like standing like taking pictures right because you want pictures i need a refill okay but this was just me i just want my on my own right so he does the transvaginal

and he was like hmm huh right which is those are not the sounds you want to hear and you're only what five weeks i was i was actually more we did the again i was an idiot i didn't know you shit on the first one i did right um now i have two kids i could deliver a baby now i feel like i'm pretty yeah pretty versed in it but um uh you never want to hear those sounds you always want to hear like oh there's the and he goes well you're technically pregnant but i don't really see anything and i was like okay the ghost baby yeah i was you? And also, for being a fancy schmancy OBGYN, he had like this old static. Remember when you watched like porn when you were a kid?

Yeah, yeah. Looking for the nipple. Yeah, it was all like scattered. And I was like, can you guys upgrade? Head shots all over the wall. Yeah, yeah. I was like, jeez, this monitor is. This is Heidi Klum's pussy.

It's all fine. So hers is clear. You can see hers. And I was like, okay. He goes, maybe it's too soon. So I go, I'm not going with this doctor. I just, I didn't feel comfortable. So I'm still on a hunt.

I go to the next doctor. And now I'm just... You leave a world-renowned doctor. I leave a world-renowned... This is the guy who has been elbow deep in every celebrity. Yes. Yeah. I leave him, and he pissed me off because of his, huh, right?

I'm like, maybe he doesn't know what he's talking about. Maybe he's not that good. So I go to like three more doctors. Third world renown. Yeah, and they all give me this puzzled look. So now I'm worried. But you did the right thing. You're supposed to go get multiple opinions for anything for your health,

especially something major like having a child. Definitely. And I do all the blood tests, and there's something called HCG levels. Those are the hormone levels. They're rising, so I am pregnant. So there's a lot of misinformation. Every test shows positive pregnancy. Every ultrasound or whatever is showing nothing conclusive.

They're all confused. Yeah. And I should have... You should see a heartbeat by this time. I go to a fertility clinic because they have... I mean, it's like going to, i don't know like a movie theater like their monitor was as big as the fucking room like there's enormous right their screen was enormous and she goes in and she goes it's not what's that what what what happened it's not a viable pregnancy what does

that mean so like sometimes there's a blighted ovum, which means you're pregnant. It's the egg has been fertilized, but nothing's really growing inside. There was no pregnancy, so it wasn't viable. So she says you should go. This is like the fourth doctor I've seen. So she says you should go and you should get something called DNC, right? Which is basically an abortion, right? Okay. So they go and they scrape it out

um now i'm very crunchy granola i know i dress like i'm closing escrow in you know like a fucking i know i know i just came from a meeting but i am very like on the inside i just don't know how to show it outwardly i'm very crunchy i'm very like holistic i don't believe in like we were talking off air like pharmaceuticals i'd rather take something like cbd oil right so i have an acupuncturist so i say let me go talk to my acupuncturist i don't want to go and get scraped and have what is basically a traumatizing abortion right so she talks to me i've been going to her for years she's the best shout out to dr jing the best actually no no no cut that part out because i don't want any more people in the waiting room i it's she's an amazing doctor she's a magician she

is a wizard she comes in with a cap and a weird cape but that's not the point she's a wizard so she says can i ask you real quick so are you thinking that she can perform something that will get rid of the baby instead of an abortion is that what the thought process not like in a hocus pocus way but i mean yes so you're going to an alternative alternative solution at least right but what is your what do you do you even know or are you just going to an alternative solution at least. But what is your, what do you, do you even know? Or are you just going to be like, what else can I do? I went to go ask her what can be done. So all the doctors said, you can also wait for your body to spontaneously abort it.

Because your body will. It'll just start to miscarriage, right? You can wait, but you don't know how long that'll take. Sometimes a body doesn't do it until 10 weeks. So that's like another three weeks, you know, maybe it could be more longer. You don't know. And then maybe it's not fully like, you know, they're trying to push you on the DNC, right? The vacuum, vacuum it out. So I go to Dr. Jinx. I don't want that. vacuum it out so i go to dr jinx i don't want that and she says i will give you a tea it's nasty it tastes like old man feet i'll give you a tea you have to drink it every day you have to

make it you know with like hot boiling water and it's disgusting it's literally like you can see leaves floating in it it's like twigs and grass i'm not exaggerating in the least shit out of like summertime yard cut it is disgusting it doesn't taste good it doesn't smell good nothing about it is pleasant at all but if you drink this and i'll give you like 10 days worth it will completely clean it out it'll like get the baby out and it'll also you know strengthen and heal everything and you know your uterus right everything will be you'll be fine you'll be great to go if you want to try again like a month later so i was like all right right i waited though i waited i was like oh my gosh what if they're all wrong and I'm not you waited to take the tea

yeah okay what if they're all wrong and I'm about to kill a baby so I waited now I shouldn't have waited I waited only a week I don't know what I was waiting for I don't know if I was waiting for like you know fucking Horton here's a who right i'm in here it's like i hear something they're wrong i heard knocking i don't know what i was waiting for but i waited i shouldn't have because then all of a sudden my husband asked me he goes well what how long does it take i go she said it could take up to two weeks it's a slow more natural process but i have to drink it for 10 days and then it doesn't tell you how long your body could just like eliminate it or it could take Two weeks maybe more

And he goes well, don't you have like a really busy month coming up? and I was like Huh, you're right I can't cancel any of this that I have coming up So here's what I had in the month of December in 2009. I had a gig in Hawaii, which was no big deal. Just like, you know, Friday, Saturday. Okay, fine.

I was coming back to do two really important shows in San Francisco at the Purple Onion. The original one before that. Yeah. And those were big because i was producing them myself and it was all the russians they were all the fucking coming in from everywhere in the city to come see me it was already sold out it was already sold out weeks before and then i was shooting my showtime half hour special okay okay so i was i kind of i didn't forget but i was like fuck you're right so i said all right all right, I'm going to start tonight.

And he and I ceremoniously put together this old man foot tea, which was just like, like bubbling. And it was disgusting. It was so nasty. You have to open up. I'm not exaggerating 50 packets of just all these Chinese herbs and it stinks up the whole house. And, um, and i take it and we're

both kind of like you know kind of sad and misty because we're like fuck wait i hope we're doing the right thing but we are obviously so i take it and i start it was literally december 1st and i start taking it every day i flew to hawaii i took it before gigs you got to take it every day. I flew to Hawaii. I took it before gigs. You got to take it every single day. Just once a day? Once a day, one of these nasty ass cups. And how long does it take you to get through that cup? An hour. You can't even power any of it down.

I cannot. And you have to drink all of it. I'm plugging my nose. And then I have to heat it up again because when it's cold it's even worse. It's just terrible. So I do the gigs in hawaii right um i come back i gotta get ready go to fly to san francisco my husband's coming with me because we're gonna shoot it also okay so he comes with me packed shows i'm feeling a little anxious and uh i start to basically bleed right because you're gonna start you're

gonna bleed but whatever chicks bleed all the time right i might be bleeding right now and i apologize i'm not even on my period but i just might come out just be bleeding if i sneeze too hard i might just i apologize in advance so um it's just one of the hazards. So I was like, I told my husband, I go, whew, I'm going to get through these shows. But wow, this is going to be tough. And 8 o'clock show. Are you feeling anything outside the anxiety of the shows and the normal that goes into all that? Are you feeling physically anything at this point?

Some cramps. Okay point some cramps okay some cramps um eight o'clock show is packed sold out oh my god everyone's drinking everyone's happy at great show right um they all leave ten o'clock show comes in and i'm holding on to the side of the like like there's a table in the green room, and my husband walks in. He goes, what's up? And I go, yeah, you know, just doing okay, maybe. Can you go find me some Advil? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. I go, yeah, yeah, let's take some Advil. He runs down the street to a CVS, like a normal person.

And he gets me some Advil. And I throw back like 12, I don't know, something. I'm really starting to feel unstable. Physically or mentally also? Are you still there mentally? Mentally, I got the jokes. I know what I'm going to say. But I don't drink.

I don't get high. I don't do anything. I'm a very square person. I'm very boring. So when I feel like the room is moving, I'm worried. So I held on to the mic stand and the stool, like both of them. The whole time? The whole second show.

And everyone, my entire childhood. Were you scared of the fall or was that the way that breaks the pain i was i was all of it just gritting through it it was starting to feel like like the worst period ever right and uh i was breathing through it and uh i made it through and remember my entire everyone like this is your life has shown up to the show. So they all want to hang. They all want to throw back shots. They all want to say good show. And I'm not out of there until almost midnight. So my best friend was like, come stay at our house. This is my best friend. I've grew up with her friends since junior high.

And, uh, I could stay with my parents, but for some reason I chose to stay stay with her, which is weird because I would always stay with my parents. But maybe, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I didn't tell anybody I was going through this, by the way. Just Mike and I knew what was going on. And we get back to her place around midnight, go to sleep. Two in the morning, i jump out of bed when i tell you i i think i cleared like five feet out of the bed what my body it just sprung up and i you know like those youtube videos where you see

like people jump on an air mattress the other person goes that was me and i just screamed this scream that i had never i didn't even know my vocal cords could produce that kind of sound and it was like a you know it was like this guttural like a like a fucking bear about to pounce on you know like i just and i go and i i'll be reading for side effects we'll decide that t real quick like oh man what the fuck's going on he said that my face turned purple and i just and i go and i was like take me to the hospital. Oh, my God. I was like, OK, OK, hold on. Yes. Take me to the hospital. I just scream.

I go, 911. I was like, 911. I just lost my shit. And of course, I woke up Adrian and her husband. Right. And they come up and I didn't tell her anything at the show or, you know, and she comes in. No. First, I go, get Adrian. Get Adrian. She'll know what to do. She's a lawyer. I don't tell her anything at the show or, you know, and she comes in. No, first I go get Adrian, get Adrian. She'll know what to do. Um, she's a lawyer. I don't know. They don't know what to do. She's smart. She's like the smartest person I know. So I was like, get Adrian. And she comes

in and I'm crying and I hug her. I could cry just thinking about this moment because it was so, I just, and I just hugged her and I go, I'm having a miscarriage. And I just hug her and she hugged me like so hard. I thought she was going to squeeze the miscarriage out of me. Group hug. Let's get it out here y'all. Group hug. She hugged me, man. I will seriously start crying and she's like it's gonna be okay it's gonna okay what happened tell me what happened and i'm like i'm having a miscarriage i'm having a miscarriage and i didn't know what to do so she's like go to the bathroom just go to the bathroom i was like i'm sorry i don't want to bleed on your bed i'm so sorry she's like it's

okay just go to the bathroom and i'm on the toilet and i'm screaming i've had two kids and i did not scream like i did while having real babies come out of me two kids and i'm screaming and adrian comes back with some crazy ass pill bottle and these pills were like as big as a fish she's like take this it's got like some weird combination they were like blue and purple and like some crazy shit and it was like some shit astronauts it really was it was like a crazy language like i was like what are these she's like just take these and she's like shoving them in my mouth and i'm like i don what are these she's like just take these and she's like shoving in my mouth and i'm like i don't take pills she's like just shut up you're losing your mind and i

took them and it definitely helped it helped the pain it was i have no idea it could have been what you give horses when they have a miscarriage i don't know i don't know i don't know. I don't know. It went away. The pain went away. So, got myself together. I got some rest. Not a lot. But my husband. So, you didn't go to the ER from there? No.

No, I did not. No. Because what are they going to do? I don't know. I would have been there, though. You would have been there. But Mike's face was like. I'll bet.

He was gray. He lost all color. He was just like gray. He just was staring at me. I'll be like, we're not having kids. Right. No, trust me. He was very scared for me.

Shook. And I told him, it's okay. We're going to get through this. I have a few more days, like another week or whatever of this tea. And he goes, how are you going to shoot your Showtime special? I go, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. He goes, you got to tell them.

I go, no, we're not telling anybody. We're not telling anyone. We told Adrian. So now there's three of us't know. You got to tell them. I go, no, we're not telling anybody. We're not telling anyone. We told Adrian. So now there's three of us that know. And like 14 doctors. And some neighbors down the street. Is someone having a miscarriage? Is there a horse losing a baby?

Did a horse drink old man green tea? Did a horse drink some Chinese tea? So, my friend Anna went up to see my show in San Francisco and asked us for a ride back to L.A. And I said, sure.

Now, this is the next morning. We were driving back down to L.A. Craziest night. Craziest night. I had no sleep. No and anna i also grew up with but she's a russian gypsy like i am so we go to pick her up and she looks at me she goes what the fuck is wrong with you you could tell just by looking at me now i heard you up on knob hill exactly she she looks at me she goes i've known you we've known each other since we were eight and she she is also a massage

therapist she goes i need to put hands on you like right away what is going on so now four people know so i um i took another one of those fist pills. I shoved it down. It was so huge. You could see it going down my socket. It was like a cartoon. I'm not kidding. It was like gulp.

It was enormous. But Adrian gave me all of them. All of them. I don't know what they were for. I still don't know to this day. I'm sure she lied to me. She's like, Oh, it's a painkiller.

Yeah. Um, so I'm in the backseat of our car. Mike is driving from San Francisco to LA again. The pain starts again. Not as bad, but Anna, God bless her.

Massaged me for six hours, six hours. She was rubbing my back. I was laid out on top of her in the back seat of our car. She's rubbing my back. She's rubbing certain points. She's like,

this is your uterus point or whatever. She knows where cramps, how to get rid. She's an amazing- I feel a baby's kneecap here by your sacrum. Let me just sit on you. Let me just hug this baby out of you. Let me just sit on you.

Let me just hug this baby out of you. So she saved my life that day in the back of that car. Wow. I did not know. So all of this is the weekend. I have a question. Yes, please. All your questions. So you still have 10 days of this tea?

And you're like, fuck it, I'm going to take it because you're not sure. Another week. So you're not sure if everything's out of you yet or oh you just know let me tell you take this tea for seven weeks now looking back nothing was out of me come on it was just the beginning this is just the beginning of this story that's why i told you this is a long ass story so all of that is the weekend on monday i called dr jing and i'm like bitch what did you give me you oh i gave you the one with gluten i'm sorry oh you have a peanut allergy that almost killed you did your esophagus close my bad well she goes yeah this is all, this is all normal. This is all normal. And I go, this is not normal. Yeah, this doesn't sound normal.

I have been writhing in pain. And, you know, there's another option I forgot to mention that you can do. Sorry this is gross to people, but this is just the reality. A lot of women have had miscarriages. No one talks about them. A lot of women listen to this show. Someone having them right now. There's definitely a woman bleeding right now. Having a miscarriage as she's listening to this and it's more like a youtube diy tutorial so you could also put pills up inside of

you you don't have to do the scraping dnc but they will give you pills but i heard that that shock your system or no it's just a pill that dissolves inside your body and then just uh shed your sheds it yeah but the reason i didn't do the pills was because the doctor said it's really really painful and so i didn't do the pills but i did this crazy exorcism that's what i'm saying you know my liquid devil and it's fucking passing through you right now. It's exactly it. I drank Satan's piss and I had the devil's semen inside of me, which is a great title for a scary movie. Anyway, so Dr. Jing said it's normal and it's going to go on and it could go on for another two weeks. And I go, well, here's the thing. I'm shooting something for television that is

a very big deal so can we speed this up like what if i drink two cups a day like i need to get this out of me and she goes no you just need to you're on a on a journey now and just finish it through and she's like you'll be fine i I was like, well, I won't. But, all right. I can't, like, what am I going to do now? Yeah, you're in it now. I'm in it now. You're what, a week in now already?

No, no, just a few days. A few days, okay. Yeah, a few days. So I think I have maybe a week left. And how many days until the special shoots? A week. Fuck. So I'm drinking this tea. so um and how many days until the special shoots a week fuck so i'm drinking this tea plus i would just feel like even if you get over it in a few days or passes or whatever you want to say here it it runs its course you're going to be exhausted

exhausted exhausted to go shoot a fucking special well and are you also trying to run that special throughout the week yes ready for it yes yes so i have all these half hour spots lined up one of them i had to cancel because i was driving down to it and i had to pull over on the side of the freeway and i literally i pulled over and i got out i was scared to open the door on the driver's side. I didn't even wait for an off ramp. I just pulled over and I went into the passenger seat and I just curled up. And then I don't know why I did this. I was not in the right mind. Top came up.

Miss Carridge. All right. We'll give you another 20 minutes. All right. We'll give you a warning. Use a condom next time. Yeah, right. So I called this guy, Lee, who had booked the show.

And I go, hey, I have a cold. A cold. My vagina has a cold. So I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm driving on the way down. I'm really sick. I'm so sorry to miss the show.

He's like, oh, it's fine. I feel better. But I couldn't straighten my body out to drive, like to use pedals. I was so curled up. I was so curled up on the side of the freeway. I opened the door. I couldn't even like the car. I couldn't be contained in the car anymoreway i opened the door i couldn't even like the car i couldn't be contained in the car anymore i opened the door and i just rolled out of the car onto the side you're laying on the curled up on the side 405 no i was going down to orange county so i was trying to be slick and take the 605 down to avoid traffic right uh so i was on the off the 605 that's a major freeway major no out there every every freeway it's a major free every freeway is a major freeway that's why they

named a freeway it is yeah major no majorly traffic a lot of trucks like a lot of trucks i i um by the way i have another freeway story after this if you want to hear it so i so many freeways that's the name of my next podcast series is freeway stories and i'm just curled up and uh i really wish that i was just shooting a story of my life in that moment because my phone was just over there. Like I wanted to call my husband. I could see it like the door was open and I was on the ground on the side of the freeway. And I see my phone still plugged into there. Before the hate theory days. It's plugged in.

I'm just like, oh, like I wish I could. Like I wish it was Thor thor you know what i mean like just thor's hammer or some shit like i just i didn't know what to do i didn't know i was like well now this is for sure er like this warrants er for sure i love that it had it takes you to go to the fucking shoulder of the freeway to finally be like okay you are a parent there's only so much they can do at the er yeah you know my mom and a lot of older people have a tendency to call the er when they're scared like my blood pressure and they call the er it's like no no no no there was a guy in the er when i went with my mom once because she was scared about her blood pressure with a knife in his face

that's that's who the ER is for. We're going to go ahead and take her. She has chest pain. Yeah, she's getting anxious. She has anxiety. I go, Mom, this is who the ER is for. That's just a guy with a fucking knife in his face. But the thing about the ER is that you have the potential to be admitted into the hospital beyond the ER.

What are they gonna do here's a pad i don't know what's going on inside you well hell i would get it's fucking more door more doors going on someone dropped a ring into my uterus and it's just bubbling over see with their digital machines and things if maybe there's something yes you know i just don't like needlessly i'd rather be on the side of the freeway waiting for some shit to happen than just sit there. I don't know.

AAA is pulling up for that. Is this covered? I mean, you could hook it to the tow hitch. Oh my God. So I finally, whatever it is, it's just, it's, now I learned, it's contractions. Your body is having contractions.

So you did go to the ER. You know, you still didn't. No, no. I went home. You scraped yourself off the shoulder of the road and you were able to get in the car and drive. I went home. Yes. Are you running a set in the car the whole time?

And I'm like, okay, here's my closer. Not telling anyone. It's going to be 25 minutes to get home. I can get through half my set. Again, only four people know. So not telling anyone. I don't want to risk my Showtime special getting yanked. I don't want to sound.

By the way, it's already hard enough for chicks. I'm not trying to sound like lady comics have it tough. But we do. And this was 2009. It's changed a lot in the last decade. enough for chicks i'm not trying to sound like lady comics have it tough but we do and that this was 2009 it's changed a lot in the last decade but 2009 you know i'm not gonna give them another like chicks in their periods you know another reason to you know judge me or say no to me or be like see this is why they gotta just stay home you know i just i totally it you're first of all it is hard enough to even get that far yeah and then to be a woman doing it going through all this and hiding it

right yeah so here's something else i i just stayed on stayed on course just stayed on course kept drinking the tea kept doing sets and um the night before my showtime special pause for a dramatic effect I delivered it. No. Yes. The night before. Yeah. Are you comfortable talking about it?

Can you imagine if that was where I drew the line? How dare you? This is personal. Are you are you a doctor was the pain because let me ask a couple of questions then was the pain different was did you know this was the end could you feel it coming or were you just it was same thing every not every time and the pain was so excruciating every single day just all day long all day not just immediately after the tea it's all day at this point it's all day it's contractions so i didn't know this at the time contractions are basically your body trying to push a baby out right it contractions are pretty hectic and aggressive and frightening and scary and painful. But when

you're pushing a baby out, there's a happiness that's underlining all of it. Like, but after all this craziness, I'm going to have a baby right now. I know this at the time I had no idea. I never even had difficult periods. So I never even had cramps really. cramps really this was all new to me and i'm at home thankfully and um i was like here it comes i knew something big was happening and um i can't even believe this is the night before i'm having i literally like had to approve a couple last minute things with the show time people and I'm talking to them and they're like so I want you to no I'm going to change red curtains let's go with a different color

yes that is exactly the conversation because we had these cool backgrounds that we helped design right so they were like we want to just show you because these are the you know two options for tomorrow because they had a lot of? So they were like, we want to just show you because these are the two options for tomorrow. Because they had a lot of specials they were shooting, right?

So I'm on the phone, have my laptop open, on speaker. And I was like, it looks. And I muted them for a second. And I just went. And then I unmuted. Great. And my husband is like this. He's just.

He, his, he just, you know, look, very supportive. He has never, not once in my entire relationship with him ever like questioned a gig like a fucking bowling alley like he's never you know what i mean like why are you doing this even though we question we question them he's always been like yes go do it you're funny you're so talented like he's always been such a supporter that this he was not questioning it but like this he was not questioning it but like you can't double over in pain you just can't you can't and by the way you know how they shoot these things europe then this comic then this comic the audience is like staying for yeah like boom boom boom you know so um i go don't worry i said i've i've gone on this is what I said to my girl,

I've gone on stage with really bad colds. Haven't you done a set where you couldn't cancel, you're like a fever? Yeah. Yeah, like you just fucking, you do it. You do it. As a comic, we just plug in, turn on that instant, like what's it called when a plane flies itself

remote control okay remote control works though yeah remote control there's someone with a little autopilot so um so anyway so back to i'm i i get myself to a toilet uh it's definitely your best friend when you're having a miscarriage and um this feels different horrific excruciating pain blood like fucking a dexter scene just just you're right you're set on the wall oh my god i had to put tarp up everywhere. Just tarp. Just as all just. Oh, my God. It's horrific. Oh, my God. And I feel it. So is this too gross for you guys?

I put toilet paper that, you know, toilet paper, right? Butcher paper. I put some butcher paper. You took some from the doctor. That's how you get them back. And I pulled this thing out i mean if you would have told me that like a props person made this because this is what they think an egg sack looks like i would have been like you guys are fucking lame you better google image egg sack you know yeah like

this is there's no way this is what it looks like holy shit alien and fucking alien now there's no like baby yeah it's the egg sack but it looks like a comet like it with a tail had a tail we call it hailey now i call my wait i gotta say yes please i'm still tripping out all there's so many fucking layers this obvious tell me what you want to talk about i can't believe that this tea did it this tea fucking worked yeah you went for don't ever doubt dr jing how dare you and that shit the jing meister it fucking really she's she's a fucking wizard and it did it as she said it was gonna do it in the time frame she said all that there's more oh jesus it was triplets let's cut to commercial. Be right back.

It was triplets. That'd be hilarious. Could you imagine if we had cut to a Trojan commercial? That would be appropriate. Yes. So I call my doctor, and they're like, can you keep it? We want to take a look at it. Oh, my God. What are you putting it in?

I'm not keeping it. I think we have some more. Getpperware get my miscarriage glad bag get my miscarriage out of the fridge we got freezer storage back make sure it's yellow and blue somebody get my miscarriage out of the freezer god damn I gotta get there where did I put my miscarriage kit I ordered it on Amazon god damn it Amazon Prime and believe me

I read all the reviews and I got the miscarriage kit with the best the best reviews do not chintz out so no I gave it a burial in the toilet i flushed it yes the doctor was like literally like the nerdiest geekiest thing they could have ever said to me no we want to we want to cut it open so we can see why yeah they like to like dissect it they were pissed yeah they were pissed they were pissed. They were pissed.

And I was like, well, go get your own miscarriage. That's the fucking truth right there. After everything you just went through, you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want to do. Yeah, how much you paying? I made a bird feeder out of that motherfucker. I'm not going to bring it with me in the car oh my god oh my god

now I have traveled with frozen poop in the car but that's a different story so I yeah so here I am thinking it's done, right? Done. Lickety split.

Out just in time. Tomorrow. For your biggest special of your life. Yeah. Boy, was I wrong. So I get to the theater for my call time. Can I ask you? Yes, please.

Have the contractions at least stopped or slowed to a point where you do think, okay, this is done. Or are you still in pain? You're such a sweetheart. No. You're still in pain. No. They have not stopped.

They have not stopped. I'm doubled over in my car. Doubled over. I park and I had my usual stuff that I bring, right? Like three or four choices of wardrobe for my special, right? I have my thing. I have like a little makeup bag. I know they have makeup there, but just whatever. And I drop it right before I get to the theater. There's a back door, right? I drop it and I'm like kneeling down and it looks like I'm Muslim. Like I'm like,

did I just hear the law? Right. So I'm like, okay. And the, the production assistant, cause I told him I was on my way, comes out to meet me.

And she's like, Oh, did you i go oh i'm tying my shoe i was wearing boots i was wearing boots i was wearing boots right uh she's like oh okay and i just pick myself up and i was like i'm gonna I was so determined and I'm shoveling again just Advil I don't know what else to take you're out of those dragon pills oh my god whatever that thing was uh yeah no did I might have taken one now that I think about it oh I might have been out of it yeah yeah I was out of them um I'm taking Advil and they're helping a little bit. It's like 20%,

but not that 80%. That's just, and, uh, so my husband, um, comes backstage and he's just like looking at me. He is staring at me without blinking. He's just like, he's like in like a defensive stance in case he needs to like jump into action and i'm like i'm fine don't worry i go into the bathroom and he hears me just banging on the wall i'm just like i'm fine like i'm just uh right so um and i want to ask you something about this do you ever get not does there ever vomiting involved in this process very close but i never vomited at all during my pregnancies although i did vomit during the first uh delivery but they give they give this he's not making your body but you're nauseous every which way you're nauseous it's all like right there just sitting right there right and um so he's way worse than just getting it out you just want to get it out so you know mike is

like okay you know you're the pro and i'm going over my set list with him going over my set list because my brain is so focused on like the pain i have to switch it and get it you know i got to get into comedy brain so i uh i put on the sorry guys if this grosses you out but i put on the biggest fucking pad i could find i think i taped two together because i don't want it was like coming up to here. Like you could see the little, it was like coming up my back. You know what I mean? And I'm very physical on stage. So I like duct tape it in there.

I like engineered this underwear to like no accident. Like, cause just blood is just gushing, gushing, gushing, gushing. And it has been this whole time. It has been this whole time it has been this whole time it does not stop it's like you know when someone like knocks over a fire hydrant like a truck

yeah yeah yeah it's just and it's just over here and over here and it gets like it gets like on your face you know it's just everywhere it's just coming out it's uh they're really miracles babies i hope your kids listen to this oh god uh i haven't even told my parents this story yeah so um my god so they uh come to mic me up. You haven't even stepped on stage yet. I haven't been on stage yet, no. And they come and they mic me up.

And the comic that's on stage is wrapping up. And they change the background. And they introduce me. And I run out and felt nothing. Really? Zero. I just told myself I've worked too hard for this to get fucked up. And I did my, my literally like 28 minutes or whatever, you know, cause it's not really

half an hour, right? 27 minutes set. And thank God i did well and i came off stage and i collapsed you did i did yeah i found a corner to do it and so no one saw me because there's produce you know wait for the freeway to ride I was like, let me get to that 605. That's my safe place. No, I collapsed. I collapsed. Holy shit. And then I, again, just zipped myself back together,

went to the bathroom, took care of myself. There was an after party, of course, and I just held it together. And I had... I just had an afterbirth. I think I'm going to be at the after party, course and i just held it together and i had i just had an afterbirth i think i won't be at the after party y'all i mean i don't know if i'm getting my abortion tea with my abortion tea we're gonna hit that after party and spike it up a little bit oh my god i don't know if there have been any other comics, female comics, obviously having a miscarriage during their television special, but maybe there have, I don't know.

But I know that after that moment I knew, oh fuck, I can, I can do anything. I seriously can do anything. Yeah, you can. You're strong.

Women are just, I just listening to this story. I'm just running through things in my head where I'm like, God, you're such a pussy. Maybe you had that paper cut and you canceled your improv spot. Could you imagine getting there? Like, Tom Segura is not going to be here tonight. He stubbed his toe.

You're like, I'm having a miscarriage. Yeah, he better get his ass over here. Then the next day. Okay, wait. Before we get to the next day. Are we done with the tea yet? Or is there still more tea to be had? I think I'm done. I'm done with the tea.

But Dr. Jing did say even after the tea, you know, it's your body's still going to kind of keep pushing everything out. So like she said, it could take up to two weeks. And boy, did it take two weeks like on the nose i booked a pilot for it's now kind of a defunct network but at the time it was still kind of something oxygen and um i i was hosting this show i booked a pilot for a lot of money and no, I'm sorry. Was it a pilot or do we shoot episodes? Oh my God. Now I can't remember. I think we shot the show. Oh my God. This is embarrassing. I can't remember the name. It was, maybe it was just a pilot then I'll have to text Jude, the director. Um, but, uh,

I had to shoot a couple of later they were like you booked it we're shooting whatever tuesday right i was like okay and then in that moment i realized i gotta go find someone who likes drugs yeah and go get some drugs so then i got here is now yeah yeah because i knew i couldn't do that again that was too much and this is not just half an hour of being on this was like shoot you know you're shooting 12 hour days yeah you're gonna be there 12 hours so i got three minutes of shit on camera yeah that they'll be like you know we're gonna redo all that yeah probably they they never i don't think it's sold i can't remember now But what's the one that people get addicted to, the painkiller? Oxy.

No, is there another one? Vicodin. Vicodin. They get addicted to all those. Vicodin. Heroin. So someone gave me Vicodin. Someone was like, oh, I got you.

Don't worry. Because, again, I don't have time to go see a doctor and explain that I drank this old man foot tea with branches in it. They're going to ask me. So I knew I had to just find someone that likes to pop some pills so i found this i'm not gonna name her but you know very nice female comic angel so yeah and i and i just popped a bunch of vicodin the thing is the vicodin i had a bad reaction to the vicodin that's me i don't ever take yeah so i the pain in here went away but then everything else and i was awful i was shaking i was sweating and throwing up yeah and i was like fuck this let me get another miscarriage up inside of me i'd rather have a miscarriage right now than

this bullshit my abortion team god damn how many times i gotta put this in a ziplock um i didn't i i was like fuck so i shot this pilot is my phone oh no my phone's right here okay um now now you're gonna now i'm driving myself crazy with the title of this pilot but um and so finally at the end of this pilot, we shot over like three days. I was finally done. And now we're into like almost the middle of December. And I was finally done. I went to go see an OBGYN.

They checked and they go, everything's gone. It's cleaned out. It looks really healthy in there. I shed enough blood for like 20, 20 years of uterus lining. So, um, uh, it was,

it was all done. It was all done. Three months later, I got pregnant. Three months. Yeah. You didn't wait long. Nope.

Did you go back to trying? How quickly did you go back to try? So Dr. Jing, so January, so that was all December in in january she said you can start trying in february wow so not so so february to march march i found out i was pregnant you must have really wanted kids to go through all of that i really want to just know their

miscarriage because i was like this is gonna this is to make a good story one day. Wow, that is a great story. And then you get pregnant in March. Three months after that whole thing. And then I have my son exactly a year later, December 2010. No way. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

That's great. Good for you. That's a hell of a story. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so that's that one it only took an hour i didn't know how long it would take i told you it's it took as long as that goddamn abortion oh my god oh my god oh my god i gotta find the name of this pilot um yeah so um anything else jesus christ i'm still waiting for it and then and then that thing had so many goddamn and thens

and it just kept getting worse for you um that's a good ending though thank god okay oh god what's and then while you're looking for this did you have did you have a pretty trouble-free pregnancy both times um did any of this shit cause any issues or problems well that's why i didn't tell anybody about the miscarriage because once you have a miscarriage people are like oh no you're pregnant again i didn't want any negative vibes you know i didn't want anyone like oh what if it happens again i didn't want that in my mind so i didn't tell anybody i still haven't told my parents i might i know they're big fans of you so gonna hear this they're gonna hear this they're definitely gonna hear this they're they subscribe they actually i don't even have a donation,

but somehow they make donations to the show. I don't know how they do that. Oh my gosh, I'm so glad. Won't send me any money. Well, we've joked about them a little bit. Can we talk about, so your parents are born where originally? Russia. Well, technically my mom was,

she's considered a Holocaust survivor because she was in the Ukraine. She was born in 42, but they had to flee because of who my eight-year-old calls Hilter. So cute. I love it. You think that's... Your mom survived the Holocaust and you're fucking... my kid loves world war ii he's obsessed so he's like so this hilter guy i go yes

hilter uh and i've corrected him a couple times but now i'm like let him just call him hilter it's that makes him seem sweet um so she's considered a holocaust survivor because she was technically born. Can I tell you this story? Oh, it's going to be like a baby episode. My mom, her, oh, this is such a good one. Are we good on time? Okay. So my grandmother, right? My mom's mom had a son, my uncle, right? Already. It's World War ii my grandfather is uh in the army so he's like a higher-up officer dude so he's like sent out ukraine well russia russia russian army like you know yeah communist army um so all of this bullshit nonsense is going on world war ii right all the jews are being evacuated um he um

he uh goes out to the front lines and my grandmother gets a visit from one of the officials in the town they gather up all the women all the jews and they go all right guys pack your bags you know like let's go we're getting out of here. By the way, if anyone's pregnant, we're taking you right now to get an abortion. So get in this van. And all these women got in the van. And my grandmother was pregnant with my mom. So she gets in the van. And she doesn't want to have an abortion.

But that was their birth control back then. Every woman in the soviet union has probably had at least one probably three abortions one you jump three that's what they use for birth control so my grandmother gets in line and they're all like if you can imagine he's not that far right it's not far at all like we can get some of those twigs over here um and uh she gets in line and uh it's literally what you would think like they're all wearing like just a gray gown everyone it's like a russian hospital communist right and they're like next and they just perform it right there in the same room as everybody else what there's a

nurse shift so you know olga leaves natasha right? And this nurse shift comes and looks at my grandmother and goes, okay, so you just had your abortion, right? You're done? My grandmother goes, yep, I'm done. And she leaves. Nice. Okay. So she goes back home.

She's like, well, now I got to fucking hide this pregnancy. You're not allowed to have babies during wartime. You're not allowed to have babies during wartime. That's why 1942, there were not a lot of kids born in that year. Or 41. They were all born when everybody got back from the war. When everybody got back. So they get evacuated. My grandmother grabs my uncle.

She has my mom inside of her. My grandfather says, I'll meet you in kyrgyzstan right so they get on a train they leave to kyrgyzstan that's where they hide a bunch of jews in this basement of a building so there were like a lot of families like i don't know four or five families right but that's like five people each that's a lot of people and they all had to live in this basement so now my grandmother's getting bigger she's showing and people are like what the fuck is this bullshit and she goes i don't know right like she's like i don't know what happened they gave it to me so she starts going into labor my grandfather's still not there

he's fighting the war right starts going into labor they're like well bitch we don't have a fucking taxi there's no yeah how are we gonna get you we don't even know where there is a hospital we live in a basement right we're hidden yeah we're hidden one guy says i have a camel what no i have a camel he has a camel where's the fucking camel outside that's not a dead giveaway a fucking camel they are in kyrgyzstan and so that's popular like that's like like horses tied up in the 40s yes yes so he puts my grandmother come on in labor in labor on a cam on a camel to hunt laughter laughter

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Oh my God. Oh my God. They're going to be people like, you're making fun of us. That's a great question. That's a great question. How many humps that came? All right.

Let me call my mom real quick. Call her. So this man. yes so um they take her and they find a hospital i hope she answers us it's not going to be good podcasting um they take her to uh then i won't put the ring around in front it to the nearest hospital on this camel but now they're out, exposed, possibly can be seen. Which doesn't have like a neon sign that says Jew, but yes. Yeah, it was dangerous.

Mom? Oh, Mom. Yeah. Okay, this is such a random question. Okay, you know how Babushka was on a camel when she was going into labor with you? Well, they accused me with that. You said that she took a camel, Mom.

No. Well, they told me that she had to go to the hospital, but she had to go on a camel. Okay, so what kind of camel? Do you know what kind of camel it was? Church camel. I've never seen a camel on a camel. okay so what kind of do you know what kind of camel it was all right well I'm going to look up camels in Kyrgyzstan and see what

kind they have like one hump or two okay I'll look it up okay mom I'll call you later I'm with my friend okay I'll look it up. Okay, mom. I'll call you later. Salute you. Salute you. Did you have to cure her? I'm with my friend. Okay. Okay. We're having tea.

Yeah. Okay, mom. Salute you. I'll call you later, mom. Okay? Okay. Salute you. Okay. Bye.

Now she's going to be like, you tell people I was born on a camel. She's going to be pissed now. And mad like you're giving out all the family secrets. Yeah. Did you hear that first? She was like, well, they teased me about being born on a camel yeah but you told me no that's my uncle said it happened he was older so um anyways take her to the hospital on in a camel we're gonna look up in one they're hiding they're hiding on a camel uh anyway so my mom is delivered in this hospital

right they take her home home to the basement where they're fucking hiding yeah this time in a kangaroo that pouch is the warmest thing i've ever been in my life and uh she has to hide my mom and a baby's doing nothing but making nothing but crying sure nothing but crying my grandfather comes and meets them there finally he finds them and he comes in the middle of the night and there's a baby crying and he's like someone brought a goddamn baby didn't drink the tea how come there's a baby whose fucking baby is that he's pissed because he knows the rules right and my grandmother goes well it's yours he's like what i gave you one job go get an abortion and then shoot a showtime special live from bunker six yeah so uh my mom lived in that basement for two years until the war was over that was your mom's

first two years of life yeah and then the war that is a crazy story and then the war ends and then what they go back to the ukraine okay and that's where she was raised ukraine that's where i was born my dad is from kishinev which is moldavia which is pretty close right next door they almost well they do share a border i'm pretty sure but when i went from the ukraine with my dad we drove from odessa to kishinev in moldavia there was this made-up country that they just made they made it come on they made it there's you know like a parking arm yeah like you know like the the okay like you go into a parking garage.

They had one of those, let's say here at this wall, and another one at that wall. And this space was a country? A country. They made it. They made it. They made it up. And so we get there, and as we're driving, this was like in 2003, 2002, and they want to check. They're like so, because they're bored right and this is why they

made this country so they can have like a check right they took apart the car we were riding with some friends from russia and one guy was traveling with a taser i don't know why but they were like what's this for and they had our passports and they were like so excited because american passports like that's exciting right usually they don't see that so they took us into this room they start talking about us in russian but we speak russian and they're like no they're like we're gonna detain the americans and the other guy was like yeah yeah that's a good idea that's cool cool cool right and this other guy's like yeah and then 9-11 it just happened so it was like september right 9-11 and we were there like just not even a year later.

We were, yeah, we were there in May. And so they were like, oh, we got to talk to them about their planes that are falling out of the sky. Like they're making fun of, you know, 9-11. And it's just awful. And your engineers thought that was giggle worthy. And, you know, we're like, my dad and I look at each other, and then we say to them in Russian, we speak Russian. And they're like, ah!

Like, they were like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Shuffling papers. Get the tea. Get the tea. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's good. You speak Russian.

And then they let you out of there? Yeah. It took us a couple hours but yeah anyways made up country so yeah kissing you shit so that's my family my mom's going pissed at me now is she yeah where are you yeah super suspicious um what was what was like as a kid growing up in that what was it like you say you got this one listed on here too which one discipline i like how you called it discipline i mean i call it discipline because i because i can't imagine like now that you're especially a parent but coming what they came

from any yeah bullshit that we think is like well i want to go swimming or yeah you know yeah you little motherfucker look i i i don't want to uh here's the thing i was beaten severely as a kid severely severely yeah not like a wallop mostly my mom now you see why i'm so scared of her um you know but i'm angry with my dad too because there was one specific beating that i'll forever remember i mean there are a bunch that stand out you know they're all memorable i have one yeah there's what there's one specific one i when i was a kid i had a lot of what I would call adult thoughts not like porn adult like you know like more like I know I'm only seven but I feel like I should pay quarterly taxes you know like those kind of like moments invested in a raw file right exactly I'm gonna diversify my portfolio

but just like these thoughts that I didn't I knew at the time I'm too young to have these types of really deep esoteric thoughts. And I played piano when I was a kid. I did not like it, but I continued to do it, but I didn't practice. I didn't take it seriously. And I don't know. I don't know if I ever asked my parents, like, can I just stop? Or if they were like, no, you're going to keep doing. Cause a lot of parents, they think like, don't know I don't know if I ever asked my parents like can I just stop or if they were like no you're gonna keep doing because a lot of parents they think like don't let your kids quit stuff because then they'll just always think I can just quit which I get that as well it's also okay to quit some shit it's also okay it is okay but here's the thing when you're a quitter to quit it doesn't um you know I quit that you quit everything I quit that baby you know

that baby quit you yeah she Yeah, she quit me. I don't know. But I wasn't practicing this one night, and I don't know what I was doing. I pissed my mom off. Maybe she had a bad day. I don't know. She lived in a basement for the first two years of her life. I don't know.

But I was sitting at the piano. I just remember going like, clunk, clink, clunk, right? I was not into it she grabbed me by my kidney like like she reached into me you know that dude that cures people of cancer by just digging his nails and taking out their gallbladder like that's what it felt like she grabbed me from this piano bench in our living room we had a hallway she dragged me my feet didn't touch the ground and she threw me in my room and just went off like just lost her shit on me lost it i remember thinking like fuck this chick wants to kill me

you know what i mean yeah and i remember just looking up at her in her face and she was so angry and she was like sweating and she was just like everything hair pulling it smacking like like she just did all of it like i had mugged her and she just tried out all her self-defense stuff that she learned. No, no, not today. You know, like just she tried all her stuff. And so I looked up during this horrific beating, and I was like, I bet this isn't about me. That's the adult thought. Can you imagine saying that out loud while she's killing you?

Oh my God, no. But in my mind, I was like... Is this about the bunker? Just because you had to keep me quiet for two years. Was it because there was two hump camel and not one? The only newborn in the whole bunker. So I remember having that thought. And in that moment, I was like, okay,

like this is about her and this is her problem. That's it. There's adults that don't reach that level. Right. I don't know why, but I mean, I was still obviously a kid with, you know, kid limitations.

So I still obviously thought I'm a bad kid. I'm a bad person. But honestly, what hurt more than her beating was my door was cracked open and my dad and grandmother were both watching they just watched they watched and i've asked my dad as an adult why didn't you do anything and he was like i had 20 on your so yeah that hurt more that hurt more yeah what did he say he was like i i couldn't he was like i was stepping in the middle of that he wasn't getting in the middle of that fucking tornado he's like you know and then my grandmother watched

and it was like just the door was open just enough for their faces i'll never forget yeah and she's smaller than him and he's right there and like and they just like watch and i was like fucking do something they didn't do shit. They didn't do anything. You just hear the door quietly go, closed. Like you're on your own, chick. We're going to rest for five minutes.

I guess you should have practiced that piano. Yeah. Now, I played piano for eight more years after that. From eight until 16. Still hated it. resented it never hit those fucking chords again no no that's your mom's least favorite song i would never ever

do that to my kids but i'm a different person it's different time. We have evolved as a society, I hope. I know that there are still kids that get hit like that. But now, don't think it's not inside of me. I think it's like having the alcoholic gene. I've said this on this podcast before. There's a book I'm reading that it talks about this generation of kids and why we all think they're punks and this and that, but it is because they are.

Because we're not allowed to do anymore what our parents did to us as kids. Social services will be called on you. Oh no, 100%. You can't let your kid walk a mile to school anymore. No, no, no. You can't do that. I mean, certain places I'm sure it happens.

Yeah, if you're in rural, whatever. The way that we view our parents mistakes we are trying to correct those so it makes sense that a lot more kids pop off and get attitude these days because they know they're not going to get beat like your mom beat you or like the one i only got hit one time it's all at fucking oh i didn't fuck that up again yeah i've talked about it before but i you know i have a twin brother and we did i don't know what we did i don't remember what we did we were probably six oh wow and my mom told my dad something he didn't he wasn't even there

he had come home from work he's just listening to what she said she probably made it up to be honest with you and um we got the belt and i got it next to him he went first so i'm watching him was he born first is that way and i'm watching him get beat and i'm like that's this i'm about to get this you know and i'm already crying because i know what's coming next and he's on it just terrible and then i got it and then after that though my dad felt so bad he never ever did that again but he would grab he was a master he grabbed that flesh skin on your tricep and just fucking crank that shit and i'd rather take a belt than that really oh god that shit hurts so fucking bad if you get it right i i mean i i can't do any of that i feel like neither you know no no i have a daughter i'm never putting no no no

because then she'll think it's okay for. Exactly. I'm the first man she's ever going to love in life. And if I set the example that it's okay for me to hit her, then I don't know how that's going to carry across psychologically. But I would hope it, you know. What do you do when you get angry? I just get stern in my voice and, you know, my way. And she gets it.

There's times where I just look at her i go that's it and she'll go to her room and just go put herself on like a timeout yeah she'll go don't use your dad voice but that's as far as i go you know i don't really yell i haven't had to at least yet she's not a teenager so i'm sure that shit's coming but i've i've yelled i've yelled have you yeah i have not lost my and i've lost my shit many times you don't smoke weed that's probably one of those horse pills let me get one of those big fist pills i i do a bit about on stage where i'm like constantly pushing down the inner soviet inside of me rich scheidner uh who's a great comic was a guest on my podcast and

he said i was always worried because he was hit severely as a kid too if i ever hit my kids i wouldn't be able to stop and that scared me enough yeah that's and that's how i feel that's how i feel i feel like if i ever do hit them i won't be able to stop myself because it'll all just come out start the nero stomping oh god okay maybe not that it's see i can't even picture i can't even i just i would never i can't even do it now my mother hit my brother until he was 16. Really? Yes. He came home late for curfew. That's about the age where he got big enough that she was like, I'm probably not going to do that anymore.

No, my mom's this big. My mom wouldn't clear this table. He was... No, she just... She'd jump and smack him. She'd get a running start. She'd be like... She has her own sneaker. Yeah.

So, you know, I, I couldn't do it, but yeah. Well, I can't say thank you enough for coming on. You could,

you could, I will try. Thank you. You're well, for real. That's first of all, that's a hell of a story. And not only to share,

but to go through, to live through. And thank you for being so open and honest about it. I love you. I love you. You're a goddamn soldier, girl. Thank you. You are fucking strong. All these chicks.

All you ladies are, though. You are. Yeah. See, all these women having specials and they're pregnant. Try doing it with a miscarriage. That's the new trend that's gonna happen hey guys watch ryan's next special where he has a uh kidney stone he's gonna pass it during his next hbo special i promise you i would cancel i would cancel the shit and that's how you promote it no think about it branding yeah branding the ground. I'd lay down and just do it curled up.

Thank you so much, really, for being here. Will you one more time please plug your website, anything you like, social media? Go follow me on the social media. I'm at Kira Comedy for Instagram, for Twitter. Just Kira Soltanovich. I think you can find me on Facebook if that's your jam. And then KiraComedy.com for my website. I have dates coming up.

Yeah. I don't know when this comes out. Memorial Day. Oh, that's right. It is Memorial Day. Oh, we had such a great barbecue. You told Memorial Day miscarriage story. It's what it's going to be forever when I see you.

That's what it is. Well, you'll find me. I'm around. I'm in D.C. in June. I'm in New York in June. Just find me. There just find me hunt me down alright I am Ryan Sickler on all social media

RyanSickler.com talk to y'all next week Bye.